Hello and welcome to happier a podcast where we take the pursuit of happiness from the abstract to the concrete this week will talk about why you should make introductions and explore the question of how to create more effective accountability for obliged I'm gretchen reuben writer, who studies happiness, good habits, human nature and the poor tendencies. in new york city and with me, as my sister Elizabeth crap, who has so often graciously serve as my experimental happiness, guinea pigs. it's me elizabeth craft, a tv writer and producer living and allay yard grub. Sometimes I'm kicking and screaming right back in a network of quick update, we gotta

an email from our listener, susan about our discussion in episode, one eighty, nine about being tempted by the snacks in hotel many bars. She sent an article from the times uk, where british, journalist and authors nonsense, Gara wrote and he said very british in his choice of words. I thought in this piece about how he finds accountability. Yes, he said, how on earth is one resist hitting these in room corner shops? I have so little supply and that this week I consider calling hotels in advance to remove the food. Fearing this might mark me out as peculiar. I settled instead on bringing along my own. Healthy snacks is a distraction only to eat all the fruit, in addition to the five pound to but principles in the room. So it time for a new strategy. What I'm? Next, in a hotel, I'm going to have the bill sent to my mom's address the fear of her outrage. If she sees that, I speak

seven pounds on crunchy chocolate bar will surely be enough. Yes, seven pounds is nine dollars here. Yes, your mom is your accountability. Partner is always a good one. That's right! I love that. I love that suggestion analysed at this late hour. Try this at home tip is to make an introduction. This is a wonderful, good deed, a manageable good deed that we can do for other people ass. The world runs on introduction scratch. I am proud to tell that I introduce two people to their spouses wow. I, like actual, like blind dates. type thanks. No, in both cases it was unintentional, I'm omit, but to people I was very good friends with broke up bob and Nancy, and then I introduced each of them again unintentionally to their spouses, wow and so

They credit me with that. It always makes me feel so good when I think I'll you guys are together because I introduce you. This child exists in the world because I introduce you ass, a good feeling, its powerful. What you not is aside note, I have often thought that there should be a wedding tradition of somehow marking out the person at the wheel. Being if that that person's there who introduced People like they should get like a little crown or like a little. I don't. I was some kind of new hook in the. I think that would be fun now. This make an introduction is great example of some very well known research about weak ties, which is that mafia, when we make really excellent introductions are at its comes from people who are weak ties us not the strongest eyes, and the theory is because people us wrong ties to net. They know everything. Even you know they now all the same people you know, but if its weak ties

Then their introducing you to people that you or or ideas or opportunities that are really kind of outside your natural reach, and so this is a place where, you really could introduce somebody to somebody that they would never otherwise meat and date or someone that they might never. Otherwise me and higher or whatever, and so that's a great example yeah, they always say when you're looking for a job, Yannick, you're, it's your best friends, not gonna, get you a job, but, like your best friends neighbour, might get yeah job will see, and I think this is why the Try this at home to make an introduction. It is important to keep in mind because Sure you're going to make an introduction for your best friend, but it might be like doing it for your best, friend's neighbor is where you could really play a more useful role. So I think this is a place to push yourself to do it, not just when you feel like well, of course, I'm going to do that but on the edges when you're like well, am I going to extend my I to do this, there's like our kind of a pain in the neck like get someone's either drives and sort of put myself out there, but it's like it's when it's

outer reaches of people's circles that then, where the power is in. So if everybody would really forced themselves to try to make introductions whenever they thought they could be helpful. We can really really help each other out Some people are just natural's slide. I work with a woman named lorries, axe she's been unhappy and hollywood, The producer and lorry just introduces people very naturally it just her personality up, she's, always saying. Oh, you need to meet this person and you need to have this person on your podcast. I'm gonna give them your email address and it's like she can so many people in such such a great quality reminds reminds me of the very famous york yorker article that Malcolm Gladwell road called six degrees of Lois weisberger. Some some people are just. shall. I have a friend kim scott who wrote radical candour and had the radical candor pike us for some reason, the people that she introduce just stick like so

the people in my life, I somehow are connected to me through him, and I don't know- and we've all talked about It- we're like what is it that Kim does. That is different. What is laurie do that different. Maybe it's just sheer magnitude. It's just do it consistently over and over, and that you just get a bigger using one of the things that people who do this well are usually do. Is they ask if they can introduce you people, sometimes will connect people, and one of those people doesn't want to be connected. I think, if you are making introductions, you have to say I'd love to put you in with this person or I'd love to make an interduction. Are you opened it out so per person, for whatever reason wants? say now, they don't feel like you sort of expose them in their email to somebody when they didn't. that, so it's something good year, whereof yeah! Yes, that's it

a point, and I just did this unhappy to sit I'll what you do well and author, a young and old book author reached out to me, and she really wanted an introduction to my friend, Melissa dale, accrue ma whose a big young adult author and who has a festival book festival every year. She said I'd love. to try to be a part of the festival? I know your friends melissa. Could you put me in touch with our, so I reach out to Melissa similar said? Yes said: I introduce Is there and I don't know what will come of it, but I felt good that I actually followed through instead of just ignoring the email which jello hey ashamed to say I often I often ducas I'm feels, but I said, let me take a fee minutes and make this introduction will is one of those things. When you really does take a lot of time and energy in a way. No because like if you just actually looked at how many minutes on the clock it took it, didn't it

that many, but it does take a lot of weird mental energy to kind of put yourself forward and to make that kind of social connection. So You are putting yourself on the line because you're sort of endorsing someone when you introduce two people, there's a sunset you're saying this is a good person to know. I think this person is trustworthy. I think this now something to offer. So it is sharing of debt of yourself you and that's where the good comes from. I mean do good feel good, it makes you feel good like you say you feel good when you you've helped people in this way. But here's something, I would say is don't be upset. If you try to connect people- and they don't follow up, because I think sometimes people Don't follow up for whatever reason you know, and I think we never want to get in a situation where we're like I'm an it volunteer to do something nice for some one and then get super annoyed with them it. For some reason they don't act. The way you want this is to do because you want to be helpful and put it out in the world, but like son, as you know, is like people like

you're moving to chicago by thus rembrandt college lives in chicago. Let me introduce you to in you. You too would be great brands and then that person doesn't follow up it like dont, get annoyed by you now because it's like you- tried son, as you put these things out in the world they don't go the way you think, but you just have to do your best. I'm times till we get a wedding out of its always a shrine. It's always worth trying do good, we'll get megan introduction. Let us now, if you tried this at home, how making an introduction worked out real. Let us now an instagram twitter. Facebook drop is an email at pike s, two gretchen ribbon dot com or go to happier cast dot com, slash one. Ninety four! This is episode one eye before for everything related to this up

right gretchen, you are on a happiness, hack street. You got another happy. This hacker very excited about. Coming up. First, this break grudge. We have all experienced getting a piece of furniture that we have to assemble area, not messy. I remember a bookshelf, unlike you, know, two thousand twelve narrowly and Let me not an enjoyable experience. Well filled

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robbing a lot of in doing a lot of speaking lately, and I realise that I had kind of without quite articulating it developed. What I think is a very simple. happiness, hack and I've used it in the past, and now I want to share it, which is why you are travelling haven't emergency book in mind and what I mean by that is a book that, if you all of a sudden, find yourself without something on a plane, or you know, on the train or whatever you're doing have a book in mind to chew So what do you mean by an emergency book? So an emergency book? Okay? So it's an emergency situation even like. Oh, my gosh. I need reading material like desperately, so it needs to be a book in mind you identified like the name and the author and its that would be widely available, even in a very small commercial bookstores norms, unlike the kind of extra that you find in an airport or in a big train station on it's something that has Really, you know is good in a lot of people

join it and it's probably reasonably accessible. I think from its true for me, and I think it's true for most people travelling is not necessarily the best time to read something. That's very dense, or takes enormous amounts of country. You wasn't. That's got a little bit of that page turner quality to it. Ideally it's in paper back so that its cheaper and easier to carry so something that is just come out. Maybe isn't as good an emergency book as a paper back. Yet this such a good idea, because I can't tell you how many times I rushed into an airport buggy out or not had an emergency book. So therefore, just like pick something blindly, and then not liked it and then sort have been stuck on the airplane. Yeah word by my book will see this it happened to me years ago, and I think that's why I developed a knack for myself, which is, I will deliberately hold back from reading or buying a book that I otherwise want to read because I'm like. Oh that's such a good emergency book. What's your emergency book right now, grudge, okay, my emergency!

book is a book called a man called ufa by fredrik backman and yes, that is how you pronounce ufa. I looked it up and because this is a book that many people have said. Oh you should read this book. It's like it's release reed and it's very common. So that's why I'm here to do but right now- and I would say it would be, even though it still out in hard back, it would be tanner French's book, the witch elm biggest tawny front very reliable, but somebody gave me the books have it at home, so I wouldn't want to buy it in a bookstore, because I hate whenever I have to buy duplicate. They are already on, but I was that for many years- and this is such a good emergency book- that its other destroyed out there, because it's probably in a lot of bookstores all the time is Larry. Mercury is low some of that was a ruling in emergency book, good saga, knowing

should put out grudge and I'm you you to switch up your emergency book, because if it something that is very popular for a time, it may not stay on the bookshelf forever. So you kind of one if refresh the emergency book, absolutely because in fact, for like a year by emergency book, was elusive custodians book. The historian which was like super popular about eight years ago, it would have been everywhere, but now you don't really that book. That's why Larry Mcmurphy, but is like kind of like the emergency emergency book, because that really has gone into that like ever, it's an alliance lick classic it's kind of a classic airport bookstore, but I think it's really good. because, as you say, it's when you're rushing because oh my gosh. I held this great time on the airplane or on the train to read, and I blew it because I like randomly picked up this book that turned out not to be good where's. If I'd had this, Might I could have made a bee line for it, bought it and then had all this great reading time

I need to pick one grudge. I don't have one so if anyone has great suggested indifferent emergency book suggests to us. Yes, I like should not apply in so fiction choices. Please I don't. Unless it's a memoir I'm a juicy memoir. I want to read fiction on a plane or a train and illicit now, it's time for a fortnight, This is tat how I love to talk about the tendencies and we got a question from a listener. Yes, this came from rose. She said I'm an hour and getting a certification and health coaching and a question or two. So here is my question. Lately I've tried started a few accountability groups for different health habits, including sleep, food, tracking, a walking group and in all women's groups for pickup sports games. I've noticed a trend in most every group, with the exception of the sports, there's initial interest, with about seven to ten people participating in requesting to be part of the group. There is a huge fall off after the first.

Two about half the initial number subsequently It's maybe one to two people. The weird thing is that, even though people start participating in the group when I run into them face to face, though bring up the group, thank me profusely for keeping them in the group and tell me how they will. for sure try to make it to the next meeting, which of course they do not show up to? The only exception has been, soccer pick a game. I organise what do you make of that what strategies do I do to keep people coming so far? I have tried getting people to commit early in the week because I figured all the obliges would feel compelled to come after committing nope, yet cigarettes I think this is such a common occurrence. What would you say to rose? Ok, I somebody thought so rose here that the clue for you is.

who coms the people who are the people who come to the sports games? So what is the difference between the sleep, the food tracking in the working group and the sports games? The sports games can only happen. If people show up that their aids, through accountability providers cause they're like if I salmon accompany the soccer game and I dont show then maybe no one will be able to play. So I have to come because nobody can play without me the thing about the sleep, the food tracking and walking. This isn't a benefit. The obliges themselves, so you feel like you're, creating our accountability, but to these obliges there thinking, while I'm really doing this for me, doesn't feel like some of them. A few of them feel like obliged to you because they said they would shout, but for many of them it's really an inner expectation. So what you need to do is to communicate to these obliges knots. Hey I'm here, for you, you want to communicate. I'm counting on you, I'm, nothing you I'm waiting for you. We can move forward if you dont participate,

You don't participate, others won't participate, you're, letting them down, because they won't go walking if they think that they don't have to so others will lose out and that's why the people are coming to the sports, and so you have to move the accountability, outward now. One thing that you can do. I do that it would work with this kind of group, but it works with some groups is to say, like I've heard, this would clearly crossed it There are limited numbers if you say you're coming and and then another person can't come pick you ve taken their space yeah. That makes a lot of sense. It's a very because that's the same with regret. I just joined this. My john groomed or of us or play our jong have fun. I'm like I have got to be their biggest. You need for people if young person doesn't show up its cancelled. Yes, so

really true that having the thing where the event can't happen without somebody is a big impetus to oblige us to show up I agree with the working group. You literally say: if we don't have four people, no one's going, walking. Yes, dig it out you might be like nobody, even one person comes it's worth it. It's like! No, because you, what you want is to create a cat. so you have to kind of that consequence. That's happening and here another thing that I've heard from obliges is sometimes it's like. There needs to be concept as for the leader like irene were somebody saying. I realise that if I didn't work on my phd thesis, it didn't matter to my adviser, like it didn't matter to her career, whether or not I did when I needed to do so. If there some way. I don't know how this would work in this context, but if you can sort of be like this matters to me, like your affecting kind of my fate or my sense of effectiveness. Are my certification, or whatever its doing so that again that support like what I need to do this for you, even though I am for me again, you want to create

that feeling that the more you can wait it towards the outside, the more the above your will follow through and, of course, these are all things that are blighters. Do want to do for themselves. So yeah like it's not like you're forces. Them to do something kind of against their will? Your doesn't making it possible for them to follow through in a way that is really going to ultimately be to their benefit. But it's always about moving the weight of expectation to the outside, and so I think this is a perfect example, because you see exactly how this is affecting of ledgers differently. Different accountability is get is, yielding different result, so dislike up the case? So good luck rose. Good luck with here near various groups who act will start showing up? Yes, I hope so now at samara. Lesser question: as always: listener questions can go to seven, seven, four, to seven, seven, nine, three, three sex, which is seventy seven happy three, three, six or email us or send us waits memo at podcasting.

John reuben dotcom, and this week's question comes from our listener cassandra. She says I am. Total maximize, or I love research, and I really can get carried away. I wanted to ask your advice on my digital hoarding habits being extra miser and in the beginnings of starting my own freelance writing business and personal blog on constantly bookmarking articles signing up for this for, course, or that or saving free pdf offered up by entrepreneurs more experience and I, as a result, feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of information I have yet to look at that sits in my inbox. My pocket occur my browser bookmarks, a file on my computer and even in the save sections on my facebook and linked in accounts, I feel like a link horrider. How do I deal with How do I delete everything and wipe the slate clean? Do I paint

taking go through everything and forced myself to make a judgment con, whether its valuable enough to keep or if I can just delete it. How do I prevent myself from adding more will. First, all a credit It's so funny. I didn't even know you could hoard links this way, the first I'm hearing of it, but I bet a lot of people. Do this yeah well. First of all, Cassandra describes herself as a maximizer versus a satisfies her. I think that's useful to think about those terms so maximizer somebody who wants to make the best choice to have like the best information on where satisfies or just want to like have there standards met so snip at both the maximizer and a satisfied, sir, were trying to buy a bicycle and they had certain criteria. The satisfies her would buy a bicycle as soon as all the criteria would be met, whereas the maximizer would like I have to know about every bike that is on the market, so I can make the best possible choice and so obviously it's much more burdensome to be a maximizer and, interestingly, research shows they are less status,

vied with their decisions. You think they ve been more satisfied because they done more exhaustive research that actually satisfies hers tend to be more satisfied like because they're like this is what I wanted, and this is what I got. It saves a lot of time and energy, so that part of what's going on here, yet so what should she d I'm mean gretchen, you are someone who collects quotes and things like that. How do you keep yourself from hoarding, well. This is the thing I exactly know how cassandra feels it's really can't swamp you. Ah there so much information all the time and if you're really interested in something everything pills relevant. So what like, I'm too scared Y ever know, people keep telling me ever known, unlike I think I would just ever note everything and like a bit like this more hazy and nightmare where, like everything, would be saved on and now this is the way I handle it, and maybe this would work for cassandra. I type up notes. I will physically re type thing so there quotation that I love. I have to type it into my my folder of quotations, my filed quotations. If there's research that I

want to remember or a kind of like save in some way. I have to re type it. I have all of the appropriate place for a bunch of different stuff, and I put it in there and what this does is. First of all, she from me. I can't consume more until I've handled what I have so I can get too far behind him. I know taking us at some point and will let myself taken any more information till I catch up and it forces you be very judicious because re typing something is a burden, and so I can't just like save entire article. I have to go. Have the discipline to go through and be like? What is it that is important to me, so I have to process it will I also think helps me remember it better, because the thing to remember in cassandra remember reminded us of this. So many times say. in things means nothing,

remembering thanks, processing things being able to have things in your own mind is what matters and so don't allow yourself to get carried away with a fine of like click, click, click, save save, save you have to process it and forcing yourself to process. It will keep you from hoarding it because you can't get too far in advance and you can't just save something big if it has to become small. because you have to it that's what works for me. I big, I dont know if there's other things that were four people, but I suffer from firmness and that's how I managed it says she shouldn't. Let herself save a link and less she's at least look dad, Yan skimmed it enough to know if it's worth, while the anecdote just say, oh that the headline looks like something I should read, you have is not telling enough to lease skim. The first paragraph right now and you probably don't need it right so too high kind of initial sweet before something gets home and then also like signing up for free,

its dislike, have the rule for yourself. I can't sign up for another recourse until I have taken the first recourse like, don't get yourselves so far ahead. You know this, my civil as it is like when people want to buy like knitting supplies or something like there's the vine lying this stuff. But at a certain point, if you have to much that you haven't made use of a kind of starts Wang on your conscience or weighing on your mind or lead lilies crowding under shelves. You have to have some way of saying not can acquire more until I use at least part of what I have that's it rule. I think people have a hard time following through, but it's a good it's a good rules. Have good luck, Cassandra! I feel your pain. I know that feeling of the infinite save its enticing, but then it can get dark. Coming up. I give myself a predictable happiness to merit. First, this break.

ok elizabeth, its episode, one. Ninety four even number episode in that means. It's your turn for demerit. What is this predictable? Demerit? Yes, and it has to do with my messages you known about the neatest person we discussed- It- is one of the big points of tension and my marriage Adams, knee I must see we fight about it. I on time you find that our other thing windows you but and this is about my closet, so you, you might remember in my renovation, we had our closets done and like built out very nicely, I had it all organized and I have allowed my closet to fall apart. Yet again, I think I've actually given myself to merit before, but- I've gone from my nice neat closet to the entire floors covered with close shoes

Comeau knows that you know how I can see my kimonos yeah. It is just bad and every like weekend I say to Adam: oh I'm er! No, actually it's during the week, I say: oh I'm going to clean this up this weekend and then now like three or four weekends have gone by and it just gotten worse and worse and worse- and I just been overwhelmed with it, and I have not tackled the clause. And now we don't have doors on our closets. Why can't even shut the door? What kind to sit that that occurred to me at the time of your renovation. Why didn't he a door teasing. Is it really bothers you and of others out like the door? We would still bother you, but then it wouldn't bother Adam, but it is bothering you right Well, it's bothering me really because I know bothers him. I really don't care. Ok,

but I know that it bothers him and so that I feel like I'm just being a horrible wife, because I know it really bothers him and I feel like because he knows how busy I am and how hard I'm working he's really making an effort to not, bent on it so I feel guilty that he's like suffering in silence how I wish I could just drive that is like literally my favorite thing to do is clean your clause. Around you're right. I don't know, what's my fine, it's heard. Has been our hell months, sir, and I talked about it unhappy hollywood, so maybe it'll be. Maybe I should re frame it as when our held month is over at work. It'll be a celebration. Yes to be able to get a clause area time I'll, listen to applaud, cast at all clean up. Closet and be happy there I have a little bit of downtime, maybe work. That's a great re

varying varying. Try, ok, grudge! What is your gold star this week? Will we always loved you get gold stars to other podcast and I have a great pike s to give a gold star to it is upon us called, but that's another story now: full disclosure, the host of it. small. Be is a friend of mine he's in one of my three children's literature reading groups, and so I knew about it because I knew well was doing this podcast. I love it so what he does, as he has notable gas come on to talk about books that have change them that one the most meaningless, and it's one of these great thing for if you really love to read the way I do you're always looking for great new reading suggestions and things that are kind of like off the beaten path that you might not have thought of it. So these are really interesting conversations that then make me give me great ideas for reading. So, like I read christie cultures book, I'm nothing good can come from this because of a conversation I heard on the pie costs

I pulled out Lori Morris, who will save the frog hospital off my shelf? I read it years ago when it first came out, and I will, unlike I don't remember, a thing about that. I want to re, read in one of my favorite episodes interview with Kevin kwan, whose well now. For having written crazy, rich asians, and he was about, joan didion, whose, when my favorite writers and so he's just a great podcast, if you want to listen to a thoughtful conversation, that Ben gives you a lot of good ideas for reading. So again, That is another story. Well, that's what I can listen to and I clean my closet. yeah and at the beginning he always tells like a little book. Related anecdote from his own life, that's a super charming I could to vary. Call meaning kind of its who you, I think you would really really enjoy. It can't wait, I'm always looking for a new podcast, and that is that for this purpose, happier remember to try this at home, make an introduction. Let us know if you tried it and if it worked for you

thank you to our producer cameron. Drew's. Also thanks to christian linzer and Andy bowers of panoply. Get in touch. Gretchen on twitter gretchen ribbon and I'm add elizabeth craft or even address is podcasting, gretchen, reuben, dot com, and, if you like, this, as always, please be sure to telephone show them how to listen to a black ass if they don't already now subscribed to us wherever you listen to your pie, cast the resources for this week. Are you looking for funny. Give for your friend. Remember that we have our tendency mugs. Yes, you can have a mug that probably displays tenancy your motto or you can get one for a friend. I will put a link, in the show notes, so you can always just go to gretchen reuben dot com, slash shop and they are there and also it.

you are reading the happiness project in a book group or a spirituality group or work group or group like that, and I have book club guides and discussion guides on my site, so you can go to gretchen, Rubin, dot, com, slash resources or just let me know that you would like to get it now another the tenth anniversary edition is out. I just wanted to make sure that people knew about the resource until next week, I'm elizabeth craft and I'm ready reuben thanks for joining us onward and upward So let me I saw Andy the other day and I have given him a nickname, our beloved andy, bowers, guess what my name is, I have no idea what is it the wizard the pods,

I will, I hope, that's hysterical.