Bert Kreischer is a stand-up comedian, actor and reality television host. His new special "Secret Time" premieres on August 24 only on Netflix.
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Hey folks, fucks going on to RON to listen, we gotta move the venue in Toronto. I'm still going to be there September, 29th, here's what the issue is, there's a strike. There's some sort of a union strike at that venue at the Ricoh Coliseum, so we're going to move to who is it called the Scotia Bank cheats us Christ? I think it's called the Scotiabank arena it. Used to be the AIR Canada Centre. I'll tell you right now in two seconds hold on yeah Scotiabank. So that's where it's going to move to. If you have to it's for the other place they just transfer over to the new place, you don't have to sweat it. The good news is the the place that we going to be at the Ricoh Coliseum is all sold out, but
Air Canada Centre now called the Scotiabank arena. Has one thousand two hundred more seats, so it's under a Diff union contract. It's also union, so we're not being union breakers or anything like that. We're just going to a different place so that will be for sale soon. The other things that are for sale is September, the 14th- I in Columbus, oh at the Schottenstein, Schottenstein, God damn it. How do I get that wrong? I got it right two times in a row: that's the 14th in Columbus, that's some that's for young James from so why? That's it Joe Rogan dot com for all that good stuff. All righty e pull this up, so the podcast is brought to you by stamps dot com. Now, if you said things through the mail and you do it on a regular basis. You don't
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Woodward Rogan Save ten percent off any and all supplements all my yes. Two day is the machine one of my best friends in the plan, an amazing guy, a hilarious dude. You might know him from his podcast. You I know him from this podcast. You might know him from his travel channel, Travel Channel Travel Channel, show. He has a new Netflix special that is out this Friday night August 24th. It is called secret time He is the one and only Bert Kreischer the Joe Rogan experience trying my day, Joe Rogan podcast by night. All day did I love the video that Tommy made Tommy Fucking animation. You gotta go check out the tommies animations done mother fucker. Where is it at now? Where can you live? Where can you get that animation on target
beyond TOMS Instagram. Is it available he paid for that? I know he did pay missing. It's amazing. He showed it to me Last night, the icehouse fucking Amaze, using? So whoever did that is really talented. It's very funny to his fans are the most creative fans ever did he's got fans in Indonesia who teach English to children and all they do is teach how to say. Bird is fat, a gene and gene say chick jeans, high and tight, so strange, he's kind of weird niche. Like Kim and his wife together on that podcast, it's a weird like silly show we should. The six of us should go out to eat one night because watch the two of them interact is there is just inside jokes between the two always and it's so much fun to be. There really are one of the funnest couples that I've ever befriended in my life, it's weird that it so good. It's like every commit in couple when there two comedians and how long it's like a bomb like you just
next looks like I gotta get outta here before this thing blows, but with them it's like it just works It's so funny to, but he's known me probably fifteen years and the other day were hanging out. There's just me and him bullshit, and he goes He'S- got two kids he's there I'll see you can tell they have two brand new kids is running around like a lunatic with a balloon running into walls. That kids are wrecking ball, the other ones infant, and he me goes. I can't believe you this with no money. I just like kids, fuck, it'll, workout, wow yeah it's true right. How old were you when you first started? Having kids thirty two? I think my daughters. Fourteen and how long into comedy where you, then I started two thousand six hundred and eight years wow, maybe eight years six years, someone do the math better than Maine yeah so
six years and like that is not a good time as a comedian. Six years in is Ralph DA's featuring George was born on like go on like a Tuesday, and I have, and we induced labor, so that I could go feature for Dave Attell on Thursday, oh my god, and I was so excited to work with David. Tell I was almost as excited to work with David tells the havoc it Where are you working Miami? I work that that stretch developed every place to work, yeah, no shit dude! I was just in Miami. I was in Miami a few months ago and I did that cell phone bag thing 'cause. I did it before. I fill my Netflix special yeah. I did it for awhile when they have to put their phones in the bag. When I stopped doing it, it's complicated. It's annoying sing. It takes especially doing two shows it's a giant space in between child, but never have I seen a crowd like
to use your phone. You got to get out of the arena and then come back. Everybody was just constantly going out. There were constantly getting up. I mean it was just. It was like is doing standup, not in front of people sitting down in front of people in a constant state of move Bing sitting down and getting up that. Fucking insane just constantly moving like no place I've ever then they have zero attention span. I've always said: if you want to starve to death open up a book store in Miami these mother fuckers, they just do coke and fuck each other, an party, not everybody. I know I'm generalizing. If you you probably read: Billy Corben loves Fucking Miami. So so I so I started headlining Miami is one of the first clubs in let me head like I handled the room that just like take a white guy. Anyone I had I had the most crazy experiences. I've ever had there one night. It's me uh and two other comics, I'm headlining right Sunday night and I
data, the manager, I said it seems pretty rowdy other heckling her and then he's like yeah its prey there's gang bangers in the front row I was like. Who can escort them out. Maybe he goes. I think they have weapons, I'm not comfortable with that was like so we're going to do and he's like? I don't have tread lightly. I guess feature That goes up. There's one hundred percent swear on my children. Two story: Featurette goes up; they destroy him. He comes back. Oh, my God, thinning hair, matted sweaty to his head and he's like it's not good. So I well and I do an old Dave Attell trick. It's I mean it's a comedy struck by Watch Dave. Do it where he would ask the audio, the question that he had the joke for so he'd ask them to set up what's the best way to please your wife, you know, and then he had the joke. I would suggest to give oral sex to your chicken the guys like, and then the guy would tell his joke and then obviously the better jokes. You wrote it. So what you do is you put your lips around or entirely and go oh, and so I do that. With these gang bangers for like four thousand and thirty five minutes and it's killing the whole crowds like. Finally we're all having fun
I look off to the left and all of a sudden one of them, a darker guy names, Ray, gets up on stage and he's like on stage there's no stopping this with you with me. It's like there's a real mother, Fucker right here, there's a real mother fucker. You know we're real mother fuckers, getting the three hundred and five poses passed down and shows his dick and it is massive, massive and dark like and everyone silent, I'm like ok Ray. Thank you very. Much is like show your shits. I'm not now show Yo Shit, son, so Yo Shit son. I was like not going to happen now, not going to happen How do you know you might want to leave? I'm sure they're calling the cops and he's like good, looking out cheats right. So so I'm like,
I have nothing to say. I have nothing to say, I'm like I'm like how do I follow that all the sudden lighter skin dude face tattoo. Dreadlocks stands up real slow and I'm like. Oh my god, please stay with another dick gets on stage and just go. There's a real mother fucker, you know real motherfuckers getting the three hundred and five have pulls his pants down and he has an equally almost like lighter two tone: Dick The purple ring around the and the place is going bananas they're, like oh my god. Oh my god, I go listen brother. There definitely called the cops now you definitely GO catch up with Ray and get a ride home. Thank you so much for the you know and he's like good looking good. He gets stay all right, I'll show. As the joint I swear, my children's lives. I swear my children leave you man, I'm hurt they're there with a hairless albino. Girl or guy, and I go so funny man. The only dick I ever wanted to see was yours and the audience quiet. He
slowly stands up and everyone's like no, please of having gets onstage drops his pants and this huge, no hair. It looks like a lighthouse. Just I just drop the mic. Oh that's my show, and I just walked off the guys. It was the that will that club was fucking insane insane. You know what happened. They started, giving out free tickets and just went off the it's like. No one was paying and it was all all just like young kids, and I remember I had a joke once we So I said something about. I think Oscar de La Hoya, it was like a joke about boxing about like taking a left hook from Oscar de La Hoya and someone yells out fall Kim for not, no Vargas and then someone goes fuck him so who do Cesar Chavez and they just started fucking debating about what my guys. This is a joke as nothing to do with it boxing, even what the fuck but it turned into this like gigantic argument over like which latino boxer is, is better.
Yes, I've never been to a club that was more out of control and I saw it get out of control. When I first started working there, it was fine yeah, it was fine. And somewhere along the line. It just went to chaos, they started doing just morale. We are ready acts of getting more and more young kids and then sometimes he would go there in the whole audience. Eighteen, oh yeah, and not. Everyone spoke English. That was another real problem in that club. Did you never saw anybody kill, like you c, as do spanglish in front of those fucking? Oh, my god, he came up in that club. While he was always there yeah. I think him and Ricky Ricky Cruz. All those guys had all work club in just were my job that Joey mirrored ordered or I'd buy work you chilly. There are a ton of times, but you know Gillian. I we knew how to work together like it worked and I'm in
from doing the comic storm so much he I'm just used to chaos. It used to chaos. I like the US yeah, it's fun fun. Sometimes you know, as long as you have filled with special it was jealous, is to a show and it's chaos, it's fun, but does my first taping in Philly Phil is while last please do not hang one. I can. I call CALL Tommy goes that's why we take to brother. Have good good luck on the next one yeah yeah I do for now a do over. I do for now, dude. That is genius. It's a way to do it. I really should do sex, but should pelted nine just the way to go It seems like it's not, but did the thing is like you want to make it the most like a regular show, but the ironic thing is most of what I use I use from the first show because I'm so loose because I know I have four shows it's like it's different. It's it's it's when you film and one show like always you
Amber scene, Bill, Hicks Relentless, which is the one he did in in the UK, is a big theater in the UK and it's a duster giant production comes out to look at Hendrix Song in this fire behind him and all this, and you could feel the tension, but he's got tension because he's got one shot at this. He did a great job, but it was stiff. This is Stef and MIKE I was dating this guy all the time, she's very smart then watched it with her. Just like interesting, but this is not funny no way she said that I was like wow like I was to meals giant bill Hicks fans like hurt, like I wanted to argue with her, but I was like I can't argue with her she's kind of right. It wasn't. I didn't laugh when I was such a fan that, like watching him was like important to me like I wanted to watch it because I felt like he was a very important figure in comedy, even though I
just for on him relentlessly, but I was when I was watching him. Where was this is, but when I was watching them, I was thinking she's right, like it's not really making me laugh at all, but I know the material well thought out, and it's very good, but it's just that I were in a recognized as like that one show thing your film one show you a one shot and see. I am. I think that, because I come from a like a baseball sports background. I like having pressure on me. I love that feeling of you got one shot to in Philly did two and the first one it rain. The generator went out and we had to all the audience in the rain for an hour and a half she's, they lost their buzz there soaking wet they finally come into the show they're in the show they're trying to catch a buzz again and a just a bad show like legit like legit. I even do well, like I remember tell my buddy Tony, who produced it. I go.
I bet shows were like when you're moving, you accidentally stand on the MIKE and you go to move and then the MIKE moves away from your mouth and I did it. I fucking did it well that you will get into existence. I told my wife who's there. I go if I flub a word like just write it down, so I can pick it up cleaning the second one. She walked in the green room, all my gentlemen managers producers with no pangos, so we to start so I get. I got one more shot. I got one shot and in my head I have that high school, Bert Kreischer, like you said you like pressure, let's go motherfucker, you got one show like it so I'm chills talking about going. Let's go! Do not fucking up! One word: you have to show your fucking life, my buddy Tony as a producer comes over. He goes. Let's get a coffee and back in high school to be like Bob Coke, but like let's get a coffee were grown ups. How coffee went on and Joe I swear to God home. The back show of my life. The best show my life to the point where I was like. I even I.
Walked around a little bit on stage and I just kept in special. I was like, and I I think, if I did nine, they be sloppy If I do too, when I go, I got one shot. I got a guy dining in this tonight. We sent, I feel, like you re, we go! This is important to me. I made love to do four. I think yeah. I think you could do as many as you want honest you know it's, it's just a matter of like that. That pressure of that second show it for the first show, for I think that's what I mean. I was talking about this with the Chuck Pollock yesterday. This is name right, yeah for sure Paula now, because of the holiday neck politic bar terrible moments on stage. I think you, like the best thing ever for your act, eating eating the best thing, a free Iraq, because then you you we recover from a local. I don't want to feel that again ever I tend not feeling too it's the worst thing. You you bounce back, you you fit,
God had a how to tighten everything up if you figure out how to just even a bad moment a joke that doesn't work. You know like the jokes that don't I've got some new stuff man. That is, is not that good with some new stuff. That's just like it's! It's it's in its infant stage, where it's just like wobbling, a around every now and then I'll catch it I'll catch it perfect and it's like it's been doing, some of them for like two or three shows and also they're like wobble. I don't know where I'm going with them and I'm trying to figure it out on stage and fuck around with them. That's like the whole purpose of doing all these shows in town, especially and but those those haunt you in the ride home. That's why it That's why I'm grateful? I work at the store, yeah right, a my special, my closing, but I do on the show on the special, the closing bit. I I I sat with you for about an hour in the back room cuz I get up in the main room following like I just said here we go and man that club
really let you know where the silences and you go all right and then you're like I've been lazy, I've been performing the fans who will give you the for the DOW love you yeah, yeah, and they want you to succeed. But when you do look special, you need it to be to put strangers need to like it. That's the the only quote I used to hang my hat on. They were like: why don't you work it used to be any goes. Anyone can make them laugh. He's like, like I'm famous. If I go in, but that's like making your friends out that's. Why Why do the road is? The art form is to make strangers laugh, and I was like yeah it is to make strangers, laugh yeah. Well, it's it's also. You don't want a delusion of perspective and one thing that does happen. Some complex Stanhope lives by it. Like he's like. Why would I go into someone else's audience because it took me twenty five years to make my own audience MIKE? Okay, I get it yeah, but I really feel like to develop material to really do it right. You got to do
do it in front of his regular people, people that aren't necessarily there to see you and the beautiful thing about the stores? If there is seen people in the lineup for twenty people, a lot of whatever it is others see you ten percent thirty percent twenty percent like, but you know maybe they're there- to see you and Leah, and also you know Tom and also Christina it's there. Just comedy fans did upper crusher fans, yeah yeah, that that's giant as giant, because those guys who like develop like that our eyes have seen a few people to develop an audience and that's with all their audience and there's they just get real old, complacent real lazy, The does it I mean I I've I've. I said lightly X, some internet comics, meaning like you tube comment, people that new comedy now in summer, good summer, in some developing I don't know I was saying that to be polite, but like. But that one guy got booed off stage in Montreal because he's been performing to fans. Oh well, here's the other thing about that. Guy. That guy go
up on a show world also comedians on and then at the end of his set says that comedy shouldn't be about about preaching. It should be about making people laugh right. It shouldn't be about ethics or morals such valuable race, sexuality, race and should be about making people. Laugh people pay to forget about this stuff. You are on stay, age, not making people laugh. That is what you're doing you silly Faulk. It is one of the silliest things I've ever seen in my life is like this is an he's essentially a beginning, comic, open, open MIKE he's, maybe been doing three years, so he does like videos in the videos are very popular and the right money yeah if you're from the south, the really funny to see unless someone's doing your shit, stealing or stealing from somebody else. Just do your act.
Unless something happened before you, that's so a gregis and ridiculous that you feel like you have to address it when you go on stage, because it's just sitting in the room, yeah and just try to do ever notice. You know when you pick up your phone. If you just try to do that and everybody's like what the do not gonna dress, which just happens, sometimes you have to dress we just happened like sometimes someone will go on before you and just eat so much shit you have have to say something you have to say something yeah you have to yeah. But what? If that guy did was ridiculous? It's a to tell someone what comedy is and what isn't I'd said. I read. Article about that. This, I'm assuming she's, a gay woman, wrote about like Trash Hannah Gatsby and going hey, we're gay doing stand up comedy we're not we're not just preaching where doing stand up comedy talking or trauma, and it's working. You just don't see us. So don't this off as a company's, because you don't see us, I don't think Hannah Gadsby saying comedies dead, I think journalists are saying com dead and I think we're all buying into it, because these people were writing these. Are,
goals they're, not even in comedy there just kind the fans or fans of her and what I think she did and I'm only see part of it. The whole thing are you right now. Let me has one joke. I like a lot, but it's whatever. She does fine yeah. I thing it's her artwork. This is what she's doing it's it's. If people enjoy, That's great. The problem with comedy is the comedy. Is one category? It's just comedy, but comedy could be CAT Stevens. It could be guns and roses. It could be the Geto boys. You know, I'm sorry, yeah it's like when you go to see music. There is very, genres there's. No, this just comedy comedy is just comedy like you could go, see a folk sing, and what they're doing on stage like really slow and quiet is music, but then you go to see fucking led Zeppelin. You go okay! Well, that's music! To how the fuck is that music? You! You know how was Klay Crew the same kind? The is cat power. How is that
How are they the same? Well, they are both music. Just like we do comedy she's doing a version of comedy. Some of it is really funny and some of her just talking about stuff and like a vet serious way, that's fine, yeah, we're not against each. This is what's crazy, everybody is like you know. This is deconstructing comment comedy dead now, like what are you talking about? That's crazy. We know she's doing what she's doing if you enjoy it and that's Do you want to see more of go see that yeah? That's what she great she great joke about unicorns that I I giggled out once a week. I'll. Tell her jokes, it's not on Netflix! You can see it when I one of my new, more facts about unicorns and I did lesbians. She goes there, no fax about unicorns. I was like that's a good fucking, that's a good joke! That is good, joke! Yeah I mean that's her.
That's right! Lesbians has been tarred tart of for PAM. I get it it's look. People create unnecessary and artificial adversaries. I really do. I think this is one of the ones going on right now in comedy, and I see all the time with this man that thing it's like status, stop stop with the r. It means I'd they'd, I fall into a two. I buy an two and I read: some of these articles, like comedy, is not dead, but the fuck. Are you talking it doesn't make any sense. You read the article and you start thinking she said it like the way exactly you're, like oh she's, telling us. I can't do come anymore. She did say she is, did something as someone entered. Is it that way? And if she says she can't do common anymore, that's fine too. She could just do like now. She's famous right. She just do one woman specials or one person, specials or one entity specials how I wouldn't say it Joe? Can I see the gender I even like she doesn't
the genders off off? Subject you can't it's off limits gender, imagining that when your kid, if somebody came up to you one day, you're going to have to ask someone whether there a boy or a girl- and it's going to be very delicate, you're going to have to ask them what their preferred pronouns are maybe like what yeah it's coming. It's real soon like in one thousand and fifteen years, and then everyone's going to be is going to be a lot of ambiguity. Ambiguity. That's weird word ambiguity, however, say that word I'll say ambiguous, but how often you see? Ambiguity I've never set it at a weird one. I I'm so it's not a way from a lot of people, especially after coffee ambiguity, yeah if you, but nobody would have ever anticipated that there would be debate about Tran gender. My daughters were outside of like one of the progressive bathrooms, where not It's just the bathroom and my daughter's saw her first dick. That way just pushed
the door, because it's no man or woman and then she's like hi, and I was like it's better to- it's like why didn't the guy locked the door? Sometimes you don't! I've. You walk in and you're, not thinking and don't lock the door, but so did any sex bathroom or was it any gender bathroom? I don't know they have. I don't know You know I was in a restroom once a restaurant once and I was waiting for the bathroom with long fucking wait. Man and finally, the door opens and a chick comes out the men's room and she looked at me like like yeah. I was in the I was in the men's room, but if I was in the women's room taking a shit what? If you were in there, a big steamer? I did that coming off a plane from, Atlanta, I would like to the women's room, Ireland. Lana losing on the flight this awhile ago, head headsets in hoodie on about to take a shit like forget, No, we put out my pants and I walked into the bath
star should ing, had to listen to music start sweating little books, it's a hot in there, take the hoodie off. Take the headset telling her women's voices in a like lying on the I was sitting in the women's bathroom. I did that the calmest or want to take a leak in the women's room. I didn't realize it when they put those new bathrooms on the side, hallway yeah is it because it for a while was you it was like a men and women's bathroom and then they open up the men's bathroom over there and I walked in and was girl. And I'm like, yay how's crazy, Roman here together by isn't it funny that you can be next to people? Here's what I thought about it right. It is something implied because generals are involved right. You could be standing next to those same people in an elevator. It would be fine. I kinda guys doing everything is fine, but if you stand next to you, people in a bathroom like no no
private parts, Nadie parts Booby, pp yeah- you know like this something dirty about, even if everyone is just wash their hands close to each other in the sink. It's like everyone's creep. I can't wait to get the fuck outta here the attention so thick. That's in the bathroom it's crazy, that you can just sit, people know you can't you can't see I grew up with his for the dudes, like we used to ship on a dude like if, if like, and I'm I'm still kind of like this but like if me- and you were talk I'm like him and I gotta take a shit. I would've Shat and you would have stood there and I would have finished telling you I bet Joey Diaz is that kind of guy do joys, taking horrible shits in front of me, yeah, I saw already knew it online. Remember that Jew, Clam Video- I was there, oh, my god, I remember seeing that I was on the road in a green room. And I saw someone like a fusion organs asshole and I like I have not. Yeah. He had a hemorrhoid problem and that's to put it mildly.
He still has them with is still do when we were when we were in Atlanta. He was like how much blood You can't be in a toilet. After going to the bathroom, alot blood uh I don't put that up. Don't put that up, don't put that up don't put up. I was just telling Jamie back like before you got here how important those videos were all the videos you shot with Brett with red Band and ARI? and Joey the Joy karate, video, all the stuff you guys used to put online, that's so important to where you are today. In my opinion, what do you mean man? The Iphone found that stuff when you tube started blowing up that stuff was in such heavy rotation for comics, like you'd, look for comics and you were recognizable because of fear factor in news radio, but I've got to videos- and I probably watched-
every single one of the videos you guys shot as as did all of Us Tom did all of us just because it was like it was the content. We could find that's what we're talking about with twitch. Is I get on twitch down, start uploading content, because one day, someone else it go. I know that guy and I really I believe that you go we're so ahead of that curve where people like I'm, not I don't even know how to upload a video you guys edited great content hack, burned Columbus, ARI dealing with a heckler in DC the feminist, arguing with you that guy you choking that guy out the store like those were because we like I'd, watch him four five times, but there was a lot of, but you know what what was really good about. It was red bands, He doesn't like to do that, though it's too time consuming and he's too lazy. He just doesn't like to do video, but he's really talented, like this video editing skills like Batman, see
video. That was part of why that video was so popular because a long video but his editing skills are so good. What was the music played dead, end time, thought and time and time but and pen, pen, pen and pad to get it with the music was perfect yeah. It was the whole thing. Was you know? It's he's a really good editor. He really he's really talented at it, but it's so time consuming. It drives him nuts that he'd, rather just fuck around podcasts and have a good time, but when he was do like when we were going on the road together and use film in a lot of stuff and spicing things together, we can make a video every couple months or something like that. It was really fun. It was. It was an interesting experiment just to fuck around I got into when I got into vlogging, and Jamie was right there when I started blogging, so we were both found, Casey Neistat. I think at the same time- and I got really into blogging and I loved it- man I think I'd maybe did like forty episodes and it was just fun, but I started realizing. It was in cash analyzing, my life, to a point where I wasn't living an authentic life at all.
Right, I wasn't writing any material. I was just shooting everything. Everything was shot like. If I saw you I be like I wouldn't be like oh cool, I get to hang out with Joey. You know the trap. People fall into You know I mean if you look at some peoples, Instagram stories like what are you doing, man, you have a meal dots. Two grams like little: tiny dots, duh, duh, duh, duh duh, like your whole day, the your whole day. You have just a phone in front of you. We just have like constantly battery chargers and you're just constantly charging of your phone in film and video. This is crazy. I do it this way. I look at Instagram. I do it I'll do stories aggressively if I'm running the trap on running a marathon, doing a big right, yeah and I did and that's what I'm we are not to tip the hat or whatever tell you guys my business plan, but that's what I do like I like to do big things and then that's how my stories and then I'll fuck around on the weekend and I'll put up, maybe like three stories day five stories today and show you my life a little bit, but for the most part like I try to, I try
distance myself from it for two reasons: number one of folks I eyesight like if I'm on my phone, oh yeah eyes, are fucked yeah and two. It does cannibalized your life. But what would like what I want to do. I think the next level is businesses is honestly like a going backwards and doing what you are red band were doing with those videos, but getting yourself out of it and a guy like red, been who that's his job. It's hard, though see the thing is with the garlic red band. It's that job is very hard to do a job just gets, so he could Brian is uniquely talented at that you know, I think that's like his greatest talent he's really good at making videos, but, like I said he doesn't like to do it and a lot of people don't like to do it because it's time consuming, so you could just take stuff and just cut it and paste it, but he did more than that. He had speck
the facts in music, and you know what he was doing was. He was figuring out a way to make sometimes mundane situations interesting, an interesting situations way more interesting, yeah, it's hard to do selective you to like say you know you want to get you like. You have to find a guy like you almost like you have to get Brian to start doing it again. I I I've, I'm definitely with Jay, We were talking about this? I my next step is doing what you're doing on a much smaller level like getting an air we're getting a space, doing my pod to my solo podcast out of there, but then creating content. What is your soul? Podcast have solo ones. Well, I do solo projects talk to yourself, nose called open tabs so. I go through out on the weekend like when I'm normally killing time looking on the internet, and I just leave all those tabs open on safari and then I go in and I just go through and close them, and tell you what they are show you. The video was watching like there's a lot of videos of you, like all my friends, 'cause I
watch. All my friends do shit like bill. What kills it on some interview? I showed that or if you like, like a lot of I mean a lot of them, are like the interviews you have with these guys, like David, Atia and and campaigns campaigns is like all those all those like really inspirational, guys I'll, pull up videos in them and then all sudden I'll get obsessed with flash floods the fucking flashlight too scary too. There's this guy no joke, like. I think, I'm a good comic. These guys better at what he does, but he tracks flash floods and he's like he's like on camera like ok, I'm in this valley, so see this cloud over there it's raining over there. It should be doing some fifteen minutes. Alright, we're going to do with it, and this guy finds a plot of land where the flash flood or run, and he can chase it and almost follow it. Follow it hop up on the bank and cut a corner and get in front of it again, this guys so good at fucking following flash floods. There's this girl. This is what I found on the internet. 'cause I get online. There is. This CALL Kimmy Warner. Ok, this grows the best
I'm obsessed with spearfishing right now and I've never fishing were done in my life, Spuds Ceste was pure. I was spearfishing. Videos go maybe eight hours a day. Why do you like? when I'm in bed- and you know when you're killing time, Kimi Warner pull up. King winner, this woman is fucking Amaze there's a the picture person with a great white shark, two dot, kinda spearfishing woman coming on next week, Valentin, in Thomas, I don't know her, googling the fuck outta her Google Valentin Thomas she's coming on next week. She was a lawyer who quitter gig and it became like a very active and active on social media, Spearfish she's beautiful, where she out of the keys she's in Florida somewhere, but leave on the West Coast of Florida is a big spear. Fishing community shooting a lot of hog
groupers by the way. This is where I talk about something I've never done. We should do it, although I'm in I'm in, let's do it, I wanna spearfishing. Apparently it's like hunting underwater dude in see. No, now are you ready for this? This is what is wrong with me. Is that I've watched so much spear fishing, I'm going to talk about it, intimately the thing about shooting out on the West Coast of Florida's, they use a lot of hawaiian slings, alright, very different than the average spearfishing. What's a hawaiian sling, I'm glad you asked Joe two rubber bands and use coat and then it's kind of rubber band with us, yeah pointy, stick right wing Kimi Werner goes she's got like string like show shoot a tuna and it'll take all in short, hold on and ride with it. Oh Jesus yeah, it's ride the tuner. I think it's just based on the depths of where you So when you hunt over on the West Coast- and now I'm talking out of my ass- do not listen to anything, I say anything, it's a lot of shallower shoots. It's like thirty feet. A lot of reef shoots out in Hawaii,
Kimmy Warner goes down like one hundred feet and chills wo and just chills, and one hundred feet is deep. One hundred feet mean you would be good in the bar Thomas yeah, but Hindu Bahamas six feet. Yeah. That's what I'm looking at just over your head, we could still sand get down to nine. If you getting crazy, get down nine, you can push off the bottom and pop back up again bro, I'm obsessed with Spearfish such such a cool way to live. Your life operates on a bunch of it. Yeah? I would I would love to try. It looks like fun she in Why did me Valentin invited me to go next week? But, however, that I'm going to go to San Diego they're going to tune a spear fishing relish those those civic ocean, spear fishing. The day, I think, is a route to a little bit of a sports sport. Like could you got to really know how to hold your breath for a long time? It's different. I think so. I think, because of deaths like every thing is pretty shallow out on the West Coast and the EAST coast
Please close everything is pretty shallow everything. All the keys, you're doing like fifteen feet, one thousand five hundred and twenty feet tops, but but on the West Coast, everything is a tad bit at least from what I've been watching with Kimi Werner there's. Took me Warner and there's a video of her know shit hanging out at one hundred feet just with the Spirit just. She's waiting dish got four one. Slash two minutes kill. Why not? Four one slash two minutes he's holding our breath day. She can hold up so she's free, diving No tanks, all free, diving, in, like in like camouflage, camouflage, not afraid of sharks, love, sharks, go to heck suit. Is you ever heard of a hex suit? They got this suit called h e c s. It's like a suit that there there's some it's based on something. I think it's called the Faraday cage and what it does. Is it hides your electrical signal and one of the things about fish? Is it fish?
Apparently they read your electrical signal like feel like you, you can take a there's certain machines that, like you, could hover your hand over him and it'll register that electrical signals coming off of your body. But then, when put this hex suit on you run your hand over the same exact machine. It shows nothing really yeah, so this suit is something that it's very controversial in the hunting community 'cause, some people don't believe it really works. There's no real, clear Absol with studies that it works on animals, but there are clear studies that it shields your body's electrical signal, and but it works pretty unequivocal. Blee on fish on fish, it's crazy! You pull up Hecs Suit Hcs Suit video fish. Rick roll into the water, like predator, put yeah, you put gloves on you, put a suit on and they can't see you
like, for whatever reason you can get right up to them. It's fucking, weird man, but yeah you get right up to fish right up to chorales. They get right up to coral reefs, see now Here's the thing I don't know how much this would happen exactly the same way if this guy wasn't wearing this suit 'cause, I don't really. I don't really have that information, but I do know that people that spearfish and people that like are involved with underwater diving and they swear by these things by they did they say it absolutely works and they had it on shark week two they were using it on shark week. Do some. About those suits yeah, I don't know I was going to go out to the great brief with ARI. If Tom is going out there at the same time, we're all three going go dive at the great barrier, reef Dua, Lipa live aboard. Actually, I've been talking back and forth about finding a place to do a live, aboard and go or the other boat we stay for like four.
As you do two times a day, do yeah wow, like wow adventure or is all about living life, and if I can move fold that into my family and let my wife, understand that, like you know, it's a quarter. I gotta do something crazy. You know, then, and my wife's, like uh she's cool, that we talked to what's the ultra marathon runner that you had on Courtney, do alter Nope Zach better. Is that better me and ARI we're going to find a international marathon to do together like find an inter national. Really, twenty six yeah, your liver, fast diet, Coke man Let me tell you something: I've always had respect for, like I've always had respect for cam, never never anything short of that. But when you run a marathon, the respect you have for cam
pains and guys like David Gogans, enters a new stratosphere yeah. I can only imagine you're like like when David Goggins says, embrace the hate embrace the suck just just decide not to quit. That's where my brain, when I went into marathons like side, not quit and it twenty two miles. Both my I have just seized up. My quads went in my legs and the woman in front of shit. Her pants and I was like you watched their ship. I watched her shit, her pants, a grown woman like an executive shit, her pants went down one leg and upper ass and I went since she stop nope she kept going gangster but that that smell. I know that's when I started running pastor. I was like fuck this bitch I was like please let it be an exact from fx or something be like. Oh hey, that would be hilarious, but those guys like I watch cams videos now of him running in the afternoon and running he's doing a marathon today, just need he's running and the way he Talking as he's running is inspiration
beyond measure from a guy like me, where I go, I want to get there like. I want to get like he's. I can I can I can I can. I can can't put into words now he's now. Many works full time. Job. Actually me away. Yeah. Are you not drinking for how long I just haven't been for how long not I mean I will but not on stage now I mean I'll, take a drink with me at the end of the night like when I tell the machine story on the second show I'll have that drink. That's it yeah. What's going on nothing, man, cleaning it up! Now, I'm just I don't know, I don't I don't know growing up. No, I know still party but like yeah like if I saw you at the store tonight, I still party and smoke, and but I just I don't know and there's no real. This is what sucks about being me is like they will go with what's going on, are you sick? So I'm going on you're like not just I'm also regular yeah, that's fine yeah, nothing wrong with
then I'd, I you know I did the triathlon and I didn't drink leading up to it and I did it and I felt really good. I just felt really good. I thought- and you know so you know when you have friends that I'm forty five and so you start saying friends that lifestyle starts to if act in different ways and you go ok, I want I don't ever wanna quit drinking. I don't ever want to quit smoking weed I'll. Never go with Orion, run a marathon and then not do mushrooms with Buenos Aries. I want that to be a part of my life, but I can't have that. If I'm going at the pace I'm going at like I can't I can't have both well started to rely on your body a lot more. Thank you. What you're doing with all this running- and you know these were the top. What was that one that you did where you have to do all the obstacle course starace spartan race doing a triathlon, you lying on your body, part of for recreation now is relying on your endurance and when you doing
that and you drink it. At the same time you just shooting yourself in the foot yeah I mean I like, I said like we did the spartan race in right after you set up in the stands. I don't have some beers yeah a couple beers, yeah yeah, maybe ahead of a vape pen, and then you just go home. You get a good night's sleep, but you're right. I think, for me, training for the travel on was just I couldn't do both I just was not labeling to do both and then, when I got done, I just you know. I think a lot of like I was thinking about last night I didn't drink, I didn't drink last, obviously a numb- and I was like I was in the shower today I had a really ' but I'm sleeping last night I was up all night. I've just been doing a lot of press, and so I think you empty your serotonin 'cause. You give everyone and everything yeah and I was like. I was up all night with like a little bit of panic attacks and I definitely would have drank last when you get a panic attack. What does that mean like what happens me you kind of get blinders on and four,
me personally? I will start saying the same phrase over and over in my head again or I can't get it out like a like. Right like like my brain will: go satellite of love, satellite of love, Sarah Lineup love, satellite and then I'll start, So in like last night at afraid, going through my head and I was like foxy alarm on: is the alarm on an I get up and I go check the alarm and then I get in bed and I go. I should make all the doors are locked and then I go to check all the doors, and then I get up oh did I lock the man cave. I gotta get my lock the man cave now. Normally, that's where I will start like. If I have a few drinks. That does not happen. You know it's weird, but Jamie was talking about this too. It's at night at night, when you get weirded out, it's like when you're getting ready to shut off it's like. Can I shut the body off yet is everything cool? I think meditation might help me, because I can just I can't shut my brain off and then I'm like
Lego tank for Man cave. I would take up all of my mail picture what makes a man cave like can office right? It's like half of this. Probably you fitted tank in there you really big in my man, cave it'll be really big in there. They could stuffed in there. You don't have to on that big. They they'll have us. They have a smaller one. Some they have like one. It's like a six by seven or four for four by so fourteen by seventy. I would rather probably I'd rather sauna. I love song. I love those threads on us. I love those song is great too yeah yeah yeah. He was thinking about it. I was thinking about it this morning in the shower, and I was like you know what man the sober October we did was so helpful because I learned how to cope and go to bed with nothing and like with nothing. No Naik will know nothing. Super helpful and then I learn little tricks like drinking on planes. I still may have Few drinks before going on a plane or a couple drinks on the plane, but the difference is if
early morning flight, I don't need a drink to get on the plane. Need I don't need it right for where's of ways. I just said I just gotta do it. You know it was helpful for me too, but you know is really interesting. Is It may be realized what was happening to you dreams when you're smoking pot all the time, because as soon as you stop, smoking pot and then your dreams become super vivid like really vivid like, excruciatingly vivid strange bizarre, you like, oh, what am I doing to myself with the weed all the time. Yeah. That's probably not good. For my dreams, I want those dreams delivered one, the crazy ones you take alpha brain. I do die to go to bed. I took out my wife stop I was. I was a lunatic on alpha brain 'cause. I could feel it real immediately. If you take it before
take a double dose. So if I'm like these packets you're supposed take one pack and I'll take two of these packets with some water before I go to bed, and then you know it made an hour before you go to bed and with no pot and alpha brain, you will have lucid, intense fucking dreams. Yeah there in tents, they're in their durable, like you realize your dream and they're either they don't wake up ugh there. They they get lucid and you're in the middle of him. You know the way to describe lucid dreams like lucid dreams, a like a delegate bubble that a kid would bloke ending kinda, almost catch her hand and pop it pops these were. Like basketballs like they weren't popping yeah. It could be in the middle of Gemaco. I'm going to dream. Ok now went around, dream was just keep going and they wouldn't knock me out of the dream by recognizing that I was in a dream, which ordinarily, would immediately. Do it ordinarily I'd be like? Oh, my god, I'm dreaming! Well, I'm waking up yeah and then you just wake up
I could keep myself in that lucid dream state. For a long time I lucid dream naturally and I have fucking in I have comma sent a show coming central based on my dreams. I've been saying drinks, you should try it do. You know a per acid Timmons heard us up. It's another neutral pick, it's our real potent treatment. One the interesting things about. Nutro pics is there's a ton of 'em there's a lot of different ones. One and they found recently is creatine. They found the creatine. Boost your your your mental performance, yeah, really yeah Creatine's, a lot of benefits meant because you think about it right, she makes your body retain more water as well right. It's one of the things that people don't like about it kind of gives you like a chubby face It's like you get a little little bloated on it, but what that's doing is just retaining more water, but if you have more
water, it also makes you stronger, but could applets proven like over time? Taking creatine is supplement, it's very effective. It really does make you stronger, makes you bigger So you got to think like all that is like all this tissue and all this water, it's it's probably just everything is healthier and probably the flow of everything's healthier to the conductivity of it all. Obviously, I'm not a scientist, but I would think that all that makes sense. Like the your brain works terrable when it's dehydrated like have you ever been dehydrated and try to think it's your brain is so weak. It's incredible how much dehydration affects the way your brain performs, but on the other side it should be that Well, if you really well hydrated, your brain would probably work better and the only makes sense. It's amazing how important water is Fox.
Everything I got this nutritionist when I started doing the raffle on like men's health covered it like they doing documentary on it. What are they doing with the whole tree? They hit me up and they're like man. This Connor read really cool guy is like he's just a fan of what we do. Things like men, love Sober October. I love you and Tommy's bets. You know like there's a lot of people is bizarre. A sound whatever we decided to do with these competitions that got inspired. Lost a ton of weight and yeah I've seen a lot of that. It's awesome and amazing man like husband and like guys you hit me up in. Like I'm running my first marathon, I'm running my first spartan race, I'm meeting my boss, you are doing it when you're in Columbus. Can you come hang out with us and it's real is, I know Tom and I've talked about it a lot. It definitely was not our intention, but we just wanted to fuck ground and then we all did sober October at their. Do their people to come up came up to me at triathlon this guy Willie Nelson's his name and he's like he's like Bro, is likely
get the machine and it fucked it so brought over with you guys. I was like for real he's like dude, no booze, no drugs keep fucking, believe it and I'm like yeah, I'm right like we the same month, I'm doing it again I'll. Do it yeah, I'm going to do it every October. I'm just going to make it a thing. We should do something else to like right now, it's almost September because it like to 20th or something what is it 23rd? It's not a lot of time do you have a month to figure it out like? What do you mean add another thing inside sober October yeah I mean we could be sober and we could do the yoga classes. We could do it and not getting time to do this yoga classes in this amazing for them that that that was also amazing. I did nine in a row, did nine days in a row just to whack it out yeah and when I did that I was like what's amazing like we, if you just know that you have to do it, you just do it yeah, but if you don't know you have to do it, you find all sorts of reasons to not do it like a child to school of weights. I yeah now just go for a run. Yeah I'll just go. Do this by
It's like I have to get seven more, these fucking things in in the next fourteen days. I just doing right now, yeah, you know it was cool is it's. This sounds silly, but now I have hi, yoga. In my you tell utility belt worth of workouts, where I go sometimes I'll go like like I'll come off the road and I'll be like maybe a booze that we can all be like Monday, I'm doing hot yoga and I'll go to hot yoga, and- and I know how the poses I don't have- I'm not embarrassed. I know I got them at like doing your first. You embarrassing little bit, but when you go back, can you do it again and you just pour sweat you like shit, I'm going back tomorrow and then, of course you don't, but it's courageous. When you see people going to those classes that are like really obese and they they just take that risk of being an almost naked in front of these people, yet shorts on and some lady just did the other day. Her first class- and I was like that lady took well, obviously
is not physically fit. It's not that active. This is probably like super nerve wracking for her to do. She took up balls the chance. It's it's tough, to do stuff. To do anything. It's tough to you know it's tough to four can take up a you know, Abboud Kettlebell Class to stuff you got in there. It's weird you get weirder out when I was when I started the training and I had to go to a pool and swim and getting a speedo. Now I wear speedos all the time, but for where one like for real yeah for real for real like to, now I do have to wear one. What is it that much better than shorts? All my God, the dragon is like it's. You glide, like a dolphin. Will you ever jack off with too much lotion and, like I do I feel a need to drive some of this off as a bad example splitting super is visiting to me but yeah I went in the ocean recently was in ITALY last week, no swim in the ocean as realism, wow, it's so much easier to swim in the.
Ocean, yes, water, to float yeah, it's so it's so it's like way easier, yeah, a little easier. It's like easier, open water swimming in in salt water in, like the Malibu, be coming up that one. It's it's tough the half mile swim but you're in a wet suit, and your buoyant and you're in the saltwater swimming near great white sharks, I'm doing Malibu near white sharks there everywhere around when you're not packed like that. Well, what's the odds you get bitten just getting to the center? Is this center? That's where they go right for the middle shoot up just that movie the MEG supposed to one of the worst movies of all time. Grill seen that movie, they say, is doing great at the box office this, where everyone's an idiot, it's supposed to be so bad, it's a big shark to just fucking. Nobody saw before who here it is, if doing as good as crazy, rich Asians, all crazy wrist agents, killing it
good reason: it's killing me yeah yeah. Yes, I want to see it the mag. What's a guy. Ninety one percent, like this movie, Forty seven percent rotten tomatoes, six to on Imdb. That's not bad, like. What's the what is the worst received movie recently, it's been some really really bad ones. Right. I got this and I could I could come up with this guy. I there were one that came out recently and everyone trashed it not I'm not going say no. I got a movie didn't get like movie, that's it yeah. The Gotti movie he's how to get down. Ask see I just a movie I liked and everyone trashed yeah Kelly, the owner of the
yeah yeah. We gonna do it's fucking, business. I don't want to get into. I don't ever want to do that. I see Tom doing it now is doing some movies and like yeah good luck, you know it's nice to see him blowing up, but that movie thing is a trap. You get on those for sixteen hours a day and everyone's depressed, every tired and everyone's on anti fucking, everyone, everyone, my God, given a movie set, you talked to actors, but what they're on? Well, you know my my wellbutrin wasn't and it for me, so I got on Lexapro and I'm on Zoloft and I really find it just. It's really bouncing me out and I started taking this. I started taking that Xanax little here a little bit like whoa. Everyone is on something fuck that you go to Columbia
for eight weeks. He live in Columbia into the my my other. I know mark what we're good. At mile twenty two he's lived in Colombia for eight weeks that I much rather just to stand up here. Mind doing I'm done, I mean joke in. I would love dream my dreams, doing what I'm doing right now, but I like to experiment span that if I could do my own thing and expand that that's my goal, moon, but if you said part of the this easily, like a news, radio like a like an ensemble cat that was hard to men, I would love a multi Kim. Well, it's fun if everybody gets along but you got to rely on all those other people to keep their shit together and you know, goes sideways and then, on top of that, the sometimes the scripts don't work, and sometimes when the shows not doing well, then you have exact the chime in. I honestly think the like what you're one with like something's burning, like that kind of that's way better man, like your thing you do with
Comedy like this cooking show that kind of fun should with is no real losses is way better for a guy like you are calling me a great podcasts kind of thing, you're never going to be able to be really authentically yourself with all these executives and producers in network notes and all that shit. They don't know what the fuck they're doing, man that they just don't occasionally you'll get good advice, but when something gets through with that that sort of system and becomes a hit, it's almost by luck, it's almost like wow. What are the odds? It's like a salmon making its way up a river like. Why would it go up river? The fuck? Are you doing? This is a terror way to go you to jump over a waterfall that is so stupid makes no sense, so dumb yeah, but the one that makes it in spawns like look. This is our system. It works for you, okay, I guess this is it, but it's almost like that. It's like you're doing
something that's like so counter intuitive you doing something creative and you're being judged and then ordered around by people who have zero creativity, they're, not funny yeah. If they're funny they'll be comedians, they're, not funny, but yet they're telling you what to do. And then you have to think about their notes and you got to bring in the gay roommate and the fucking, the black neighbor, the hot chick on the street that everybody wants to fuck and everyone is like tripping over yeah. So I don't know thanks man, so we went into only women did that first something's burn. It's me bill and Tom and I walked on set- and I said I'm super difficult to work with just want everyone to know that don't anyone Stop me. Twenty one, do anything I'll. Let you know when starting to let you know we're done and they're like. Okay, just cover everything, don't ever ask you stop and do anything just cover everything, that's a problem. They go stop. We rewind say that again what the camera on me and stay out of the picture. Just leave me alone: they don't
stand that every time you break, that I meant to me now I'm thinking about you and I'm thinking about the camera, and I have to reset again yeah. So we did it. We did me in Tom and Bill did that first, one. Just one take both county boe time. Both when I, like, I five forty five minutes like perfect. We should we got it all they got up. I think there it almost all of it and then everyone loves mentally and by Embody Lee came and same thing. I was like not a thing to the best ones: shop and buying Caroline to me or my favorite. Could you see Bernie Shop and a pot he's so fucking funny in that funny dude. He so fucking. Funny in that that, like cook- oh, my God Joe, we could, crab a we had to kill them on air and you have to a humane way yeah in order to do it, it's killing the main way you mean in order to do it in order to crab legally, especially on Youtube, how to kill a humane way yeah. So you got it within six seconds. Dude I shot a
the bow and arrow on you go it's you watch Elk get shot through the with a bow, don't even have to be careful with the crab. All I know is that one note we got. We even have senses. Well, King County is that there were doing did he was funny how to kill it, as you start by lift up their deck and put when they have a deck. I think so think that's what it is and you jam put in and then wham it in what is it the knife? Oh, what the you bring each lift up their dick and you jam it in I'm thinking you're jamming their dick in? Where are you putting it? No, you take them now. He laid across to death bro, you lift up the dick you pop the knife in and then you've got to the other side of it within like six seconds, not humane death for the crab, otherwise they're suffering. So I show that to Brendan Brands like no bro, I'm definitely not fucking doing this and Brian just goes I'll. Do it,
and literally, like the barber of Seville, goes through and kills twenty fucking grabs like this, I made him Chiappino and Neither of them thought they'd like it and I loved it. What's she that's like a soup, it's like a yeah. It's like a here once you find what you're looking Brian he's, definitely daddy's cut in half and the woman it houses who buys a humane could put a weird thing like you have to kill them. Humanely, as opposed to boiling them alive, is at the idea. Yes, I I guess, I'm not rule server will them alive but like with lobsters there is boil them alive, yeah and they'll tell you're supposed to boil them alive, but I'm like you mean supposed to like says who, like what happens, if you don't boil them alive, what magic? Doesn't you know what magic leaves their body where they don't take is good, if you don't boil them alive yeah? I don't know about that. Come you can't just cut their head off and then they're dead, and then you
when the boiling water like what is what's happening here. What do they need to be kept alive? That's of well. We want to be fresh right, yeah, there's a big difference in seafood, seafood and freshness, Does that that's huge, like you, don't see dry age seafood you know like if you get if you get a piece of beef from a restaurant like a steak, a lot of times aged because the bacteria on the meat actually starts to break it down, and it makes it more. Tender, and it actually gives it a lot. That mold that they cut off of it. You ever see dry age, beef before they slice it up now or ready. Okay show him the Sears C, a there's, a guy that I I follow on Instagram. That was doing something insane like. I think they had Lego
two hundred day dry aged beef, which is just like even hearing about that you like what in the hell, you know that's what it looks like. Yes, that's a dry aged beef. Look like it looks like it's a raw cotton like rotten meat and you lose some of the meat. I mean it's the wasteful in a way because the out side edge that black shit they cut all that off, so you're losing yeah. So you find a video jamie of trimming. Just Google trimming dry aged beef and look up Youtube yeah. That turned me on to the guy that had his own fridge and was doing in his own fridge in his garage. Oh yeah. I know a bunch of guys who do that. Yeah. It's like he was doing with Elk dry aging out, maybe yeah yeah. I know quite a few guys do that, so this is dry aged meat. So look at that the outside look- looks rotten man and take the outside and you you cut
into it and then I guess, he's going to cut all the fat off and he's going to turn it into steaks and we're going to do with all that fat. That's interesting was thrown in the garbage, so this fat Is it one easy throwing that away so he's just gotta seems like that fat away so he keeps a lot of the fat on and the fat on top yes dry aged. So we probably take any beef on top. He just losing the sides, well yeah you're losing the outside edges in this particular cut, but on some steaks You know it depends on how long is dry aging it to like when some people, I really ham with that shit. Don't you know, like I said, they're dry age for hundreds of days. There's a stuff they're doing now. Where find this dude on the Instagram. Do you do that with Elk? No, I don't No, I get you and cam on burning. Yeah will do it. I would
that can't cook, though you know Dudley KEN Dudley can cook his ass off. I'm the cook I'll cook, for you guys yeah, you know. Do you know how to cook? I know how to reverse here, but have you ever fucked around with wild game I'll give you some today an you could fuck around with it and then, if you get it right, you know we'll figure out a way to do it I'll give you some recipes and stuff. But it's not it's not that difficult, but it is it's more tricky than beef. Beef is hard, cup, especially like fatty beef, because there's so much moisture, you know, whereas Elk is basically you're you're, basically eating a body builder yeah reading an athlete you know, and it's just a richer darker me and has very little fat in it. But if you do it right, it's fair
and tastic. If you had it before I've had I've had your ground Elk. That's that's good, but that's hard to like the right way to do. It is to do an elk steak. I got a set up that God Damn grill out here, but we don't know how to have proper ventilation. I got one of those Yoder Pela girls in the back there, but we don't know how to get the proper ventilation. We might need to get some sort of a a permit put like a vent like they would do with a kitchen damn. I can't find these guys this one, I'm no, where gourmet meats. What is he got going on. Bunch of stuff see if you find, like just Google, try five hundred day dry aged beef on Youtube Holy yeah. These guys don't fuck around. I tell you one one of the coolest things. You turn me on to what fucking Adam Greentree,
due to his insta stories, like I get bummed when I, when I skip, from on one of those epic yeah. I know he he does not fuck around dude that guy he goes out by himself by himself months at a time extreme age steak. What does it say in their four hundred and twenty days? This was four hundred on this one, oh go to four hundred. Let's see what that looks like it probably looks terrible when they start cutting it up see back it up a little bit, so I just saw this online the other day like I I saw this and I didn't click on it, so that it's real, weird man. I mean your base like letting it rot. You're relying on the bacteria to not completely flourish like you have to have a certain temperature. I think they key but somewhere around, like forty degrees or something like that and it's drive. Like look at death looks terrible, the LOS a rotten piece of meat you're supposed to eat that you haven't made the out of it. But if
that is so weird dude. That's so weird, it's even look read anymore. I mean it's white and I think this is that's. Why do you I set why'd? You why'd you what's. The other word for that is another word Kobe, yeah. Feeding so keep it going affair with their own, so he's he's going to sear it. I guess yeah and then throw some time. Oh and then he's going to sue v. If you ever two v I have it takes for ever to sue the eggs. Doesn't our really for soft boiled eggs yeah a love song thanks sue these interesting men, because you could have something and cook it like say at one hundred and twenty five degrees which is like where you want your steak to be, and you could have it in there for hours. What you do is take a steak and you got a vacuum, sealed soon be them,
and then you can just let him see you knocking over cooking the men. Sear them see that some butter and garlic yeah or with a blow torch. I do a blow torch, sometimes wow. Now they have Suvi torches, look at other guys, go the butter and the time oh sweet, baby Jesus. We doing here you fuck, look at him with his camera slicing it open that's four hundred day dry aged meat. Looking at me sending a mouthgasm, oh foodies are such dorks. They just they just get so into it. They just go get so into it. Man, when you go travel when you go to like Thailand and stuff, do you get foodie and go in and try to find some dangerous and crazier do just pretty much stay. I didn't eat bugs, but some really hot food, yeah yeah, no bugs they did try to serve me bugs- might be the host of fear factor for six years that, on my face the wrong it yeah not interested in your book, not only that doesn't gross me out at all, like nothing. Grosses me out like eating bugs or anything throw up our
your wife threw up in her car. One time I think I was I came. I came over there and you, we're cleaning out your wife's car. So we doing here, like all my wife, threw up all over car one of green drinks and I was like you can't bring up Sierra in brought up throwing up the other day just brought up throwing up, and I started gagging on his podcast yeah, I'm immune. I saw some we will throw up I've seen hundreds of people throw up right in front of me and I have talked to them whether piquant and I diss a learned skill, because when I first doing a show, I would gag when I would see other people do it but yeah. But then, after a while it just went away like that part of me is dead, is dead. So when my wife threw up in her car, also I'll clean it give a fuck. That's why clean, and I cannot do that. I can't even my kids, throw up on chrome starter on your own clean up all the puke. If my kids puke, I am the designated puke cleaner, hundred percent of the time one hundred percent, a top someone throws up in the bad or somewhere else I put I clean it up, did I can
I'm back from Utah one time and I was fire in hot and I'd had a crazy weekend and I just it wasn't feeling right thank you and we went made a big dinner and I don't feel good. I'm bad, I'm in a row, but many Yankees robe that and I get up. Like I'm, not feeling good and I go into the bathroom and I notice shit, but I start throwing up before I can shit and I sit in the road and I shit in the robe and throw up on my lap and my wife's a thug. She went. We got this get you in the shower I'll, take care of it. Wow, that's a good woman right there yeah, that's a good woman right there, yeah man literally unless I'm out of town, my wife does not clean up puke. She would tell me that the kid puked they're not clean it up really yeah 'cause she'll start throwing up and I won't at all. Does she she takes care of the chickens, though yeah sometimes
We have a guy that we hired to that will take care of the chickens, sometimes like, especially when we're not there he'll handle certain things like you have to chickens or a little bit effort, you know you gotta clean up the cage you gotta collect the eggs every day we had some squirrel, stealing eggs, we had a real issue with that. I got a squirrel that I have to hose out of our chicken coop yeah. Well, Marshall took care of that Marshall had thought sub squirrels dude Marshall is the sweetest dog of all time and less your squirrel then he's the devil I mean I know I've seen a dog so determined to kill a squirrel. It's crazy. He goes out now. He looks for them. He runs to the chicken coop and then he circles the chicken coop, look and see where these the fuckers getting see if anybody's around there see if anybody slipping, but was on the road. My wife sent me a picture of Marshall with a squirrel in his mouth and she's so happy because she is like squirrels, because squirrels are up all the they steal. All the chicken food yeah I like I like school,
I think they're cute so like for me, I'm like so what they steal. The chicken food get make more chicken food, but then they start stealing the eggs and I was like: oh, you should push up and you can't steal my food. That's my food! You can't steal the eggs. Let me find this, for our chickens. Are family members yeah? They are right. Yeah. I came home when it was like him was like one hundred and twenty and all the trees were dying, and I walked in and Leanne had chickens in the house? She's like they can't be out there. It's too fucking hot yeah, but they do. They have to be out there oh my god. Yes he's all this is this is ingrained in his dna, one hundred percent is Mount Resoft, so he doesn't like he's like. I want to get back to you fully intact, so that you can't so that if you need. This is that blood on his chest. Yeah! It's blood, well, he brings things to you. Always 'cause he's a retriever, so he has a little box of stuff toys that he has in the house and he's the only
dogs that have ever had that doesn't mangle every toy. You give him 'cause, I've had pit bulls and mastiffs and you give them a toy they just they just start tearing apart. He just carries him around. He carries him running brings to you so like when I see him in the morning, I'm like good morning, Sir Good Morning and he's wagging his tail is happy, and the first thing he does is run over to his pilot toys grabs one that comes over with it brings you a present He has it in his mouth, you know is: is a retreat like. If you see retrievers running a lot of times, they're carrying their leash in their mouth as they're running, they love to hold on to things that mouth weird Is he diving underwater? Oh he fuckin swims, like a mother Fucker do do that dog is always in the water. He just he will die from the deep end of the book of the kids are playing in the pool he uh. Now let him out the door. He runs to the pool, stands on the edge and then leaps to the water splashes, how and loves it as you dive underwater, though a little bit. That's where we used to have a a seven black lab and you could throw one.
Those rings underwater and she dive to the bottom. Grab it and pulled up. He doesn't do that. I guarantee you, he will I guarantee you. He will. I bet he would if I taught him how to do it, but he swims like crap intentional those dogs, my bullmastiff. I cannot get her in the pool really. She looks at me like, like, like you, trying to pitch anal sex to your wife, so I could come on grill pits. We both know how this gonna go. No one's going to be happy. Yeah, Johnny Cash and people have asked me to have pictures in my other dogs they're, actually both passed away now how to put in both both are now there up in the English, the English bulldog, Shiblee Nomics. They were they're both third teen years old and Johnny couldn't walk anymore. It was. It was a really rough The last few days of his life, I would try to bring him in for dinner and when I would try to bring him in, he literally could
make it. There is a small yard with where, where he was that we're talking about, like you know, fifteen yards, he couldn't make it fifteen yards to the house. He would like to take a couple. Steps in his body would shake and you take a couple of steps and he was just sleeping all day an he was also having a really hard time shitting and he would occasionally shit in the house. Like you couldn't hold it. Files and he couldn't go outside when he wanted to look at. You see him trying, but his body is so old from Mastiff thirteen years old is crazy, old, like a lot of them died at like eight or nine, and he was thirteen and he was sweet, sweet dog up to the end, but he he was. You know he was suffering it was. It was hard, it's hard when you know them when they're a puppy and then
years later, like you're kind of the same, and there not men, they're gone. You know, so I think about that with Marshall 'cause he's only a year and a half and he sell full of life and he so fun he's so silly and playful and happy and MIKE Man there's going to be a day where marshals this old old old dog and I'm going to have to put him down to it was depressing and the other one Brutus, the Shibu Eno English bulldog, he was better than Johnny for a long time. Still I've known for the last
two years that they didn't have much time left. You know they were. They were both struggling heart, but Brutus took a real hard turn over the last few months, where he wouldn't even come in. Like I'd. Try to get him to come in my car, my body, you want to eat. I try to put a little food in front of his face and he would try to stand up in his legs would be shaking and so hard man. It's so hard watching them fade away. You know and then also watch them suffer. You know a lot of the last the last days where you have to decide where you know me and my wife had to have conversations like we have to do something like this is like one day. We're going to come home is going to be a dead dog and it's not like they're having a good time like this is horrible suffering, slow demise. So do you have someone come to the house? Or did you take him closer off, dude Mister off
They're pretty Priscilla seven, and I I mean I got it when I first started doing this party issue one hundred and forty yeah. That's big dogs had five knee surgeries. Oh my god, that's fucking expensive! To have no idea. Do you have an idea, but you do yeah. I had a female pit bull that had to a co reconstructions share both were back legs done. She blew one out. I got it fixed blew the other one out how to get that fixed too, and we look up a dog. They shave the bone down. They don't like reconstructed with the ad like another ligament. They shave the bone down. So it doesn't so it like sit sound it differently, so it locks in place so doesn't pop off and an end goal like out of out of socket or whatever the it is, but.
Yeah, that's fucking, like ten grand a pop right. Oh I was I I mean I'm not going to tell everyone how much 'cause they would stop liking me into. It would be like what kind in Hollywood. Are you just like that? But we got one acl and then we fixed it. Then the then, while this once is turning good. The other acl goes out, so we fix that. In a cart, we're done and then, as this one phelan, this one goes out again and they're like and that's when they're like you, wanna put it down, I'm not sure I might not man, I I'm I'm. It was like five grand a pop, I think and then Then it even adds up more because then they're like we should keep her here. While this well she's healing to do it. Diamonds, as they're doing this one that somethings wrong with your knee cap and then they realize she's got. You know it's over breeding in her bra interbreed. Their kneecaps are bad, so they fix this one. This one replace both or caps, and then one more goes out there like alright, but maybe
check hit that dog is the greatest fucking dog. Mastiffs are amazing, but there's some my favorite dogs over there so chill dude this way, we just don't like, gets up in bed with you in the morning and just put her face right up on. He just does one of those big cow breast like and you're like, oh I'm here, there's so relax too they're, just a different kind of dog, very relaxed and I feel comfortable. When I go on the road I feel comfortable. Knowing there's a hundred forty pound animal that would give its life for my daughters, one of the our dog sleeps on one of our daughters beds, one of our dog sleeps Priscilla sleeps in Georges Bed, and I go I'm good. No ones coming in anywhere and no ones breaking in anything, I got a buddy was a german shepherd police, dog and uh. It's it's one of those dogs that has to be with all the time an train all the time, but this dog
is it disturbing thing to have 'cause. You basically have an assassin that lives with you. There's just waiting for orders, just waiting. But my body, my body's got a german shepherd that he hasn't quite figured out yet and you can't work a full time. Job, And just leave that thing alone in the yard. You just can't. Is it during intense dog, their intent and they're smart, as so in a weird way. It's like dealing with a complicated chick you like like, daddy issues by can't really out, and I'm not spending a lot of time of time with you, you can't fix them. You could train a dog try, training a woman get outta here. You can't. If you meet someone, I don't hear a woman or a man you meet. Someone is completely fucking crazy. You gotta get out of there. You gotta go. You can't just going to fix it. We know a lot of people try to fix some. Like Brian count. When I first met him, it was always trying to fix these crazy girls and I was like dude, you got save yourself you got to save yourself man, you can't fix someone, you can't. I remember the day.
Ok, I decided I would never fix a chick again. There's a one nice damned and I came in like fifteen seconds and she asked and I told Russ I came and then I was about Ok, give me a second, let me reboot go back at it, but she was on top. Machines. Are you fucking kidding me and she punched the wall? She goes. You gotta learn how to really learn how to fuck. You need to read a book, get online and learn how to fuck only rolled out of bed, and I was like I think you need to go home. I'm not this isn't happening anymore and she was like Excuse me and I was like listen, I'm not your boyfriend and I'm not your fucking husband and what I just saw. I'm not going to be able to help. And she was like and then you can see in her eyes like I gotta get on a train to go to Brooklyn. She was like, and they started getting pissed by the way, I'm in my kitchen now in New York condom still on go to the this is But at that time I go grab a beer out of the refrigerator, still naked condom on STAR Trek
here, my roommate. We chill walks out like what the fuck I go. I got it handled, don't worry about it, Walker to the fucking door, walking to the door. This might be the most beautiful moment walking to the door and she's like. Are you fucking serious? Are you fucking like in my face and she goes pathetic? Your function like tries to humiliate me and I go listen. I thought you came are one and she looks at me and goes like this thing goes like this goes like this and I flinched so fuck hardly we both start laughing, she started laughing. We both start laughing immediately and then she just smiles and goes it's four in the fucking morning, in my apartment building she goes Bert. Kreischer can fuck and starts banging on doors something alright. This is over. Take the charge, one, a good catch, cheaper, number
father on Facebook, occasionally check and see where she's in jail. You wanna hear a really great story so before I fucked her one night, like I jacked off in front of her, like not in the Lewis way, but like we, both masturbate for Lewis, we both masturbate in front of each other in my apartment, think we're doing coke and candles, but in glass of wine and she's like I just want to like it was cool, is playful and fun and we get done and she's like hey just so you know you can't tell anyone about this and I was like no. She knew a bunch of comics in New York, I can say so. I won't tell a soul she's like promise. I got next day tell everyone knows nope. So, the next day I'm walking into the Boston Comedy Club and rich bosses out smoking a cigarette. I go what's up and he goes heard you
right off of Jennifer last night I know I was like one of those me to she needed a ride home from Brooklyn one time: oh fucking boss. Oh that's hilarious, yeah god. Those are the days I those were the days. Would you would you if you could go back to one point, your stand up career for one year you get a live one year in your stand up career. You can't pick right now where you are right now, but you got to go to one point when one year every day you show up, do you like the store? Ninety seven, when you're meeting ARI and everyone and you and Duncan Duncan Leather Couch or what I don't know what year that was, but around then or you go to the part. Where is that I mean probably one of the more interesting parts is like when you get banned from the store from them and see a shit and you're like literally like fuck it I'm a man on a mission fucked like that's one of the more interesting parts in your story of your life,
in my opinion, is when everyone fucking backed out on you and you were like no, I don't go out like that. Mother fuckers and you just start fucking building what year would you pick? I would pick the early days I pick like when I was just starting to get work when in Boston is like a middle act. Yeah I'd pick those days doing weird shit erode gigs. You know early 20s, careless, no, no responsibilities, no worries, no nothing didn't even have a credit card had nothing. Those were the good days and a lot of ways. It's not that today's not awesome today is way better for sure, but is good about those days. Is that there's so much wild and freeness? There's so much? You know, like I remember one time I did this gig in Maine and then after the gig met this girl we had a couple of drinks were hanging out. We're both like that image. I think it was probably two thousand two hundred and twenty three.
He's, probably somewhere around the same age, two thousand two hundred and twenty three and we're just young and it's summertime and we huh mount and we want to bang it. In my car I had like a Honda accord and one and we didn't even go in the back seat 'cause. It was really barely a back seat right. We like folded down the front seat flat and then the windows rolled down and we're just sitting there hanging out and laughing- and I remember having this unique moment where I realized, like This is not going to be my life forever, I'm never I'm not going to be twenty, a two years old with like one hundred in the bank not knowing what I'm doing not knowing where I'm going, not knowing what the future holds. But yet, okay, with You can only be ok with that for certain amount of years when you're forty five and you have one hundred dollars in the bank, and you don't know what you're doing your careers not really established. You don't really have a clear path. That's scary! That's danger!
It feels like you're a loser. You know you feel, like you feel pathetic. If like you- haven't done what you need to do- there's like a certain amount of discipline that you haven't taken part in and because of that, your life is chaotic, whereas when you twenty two and that's happening this, it's like that Bob Seger song you, know like what was that Bob Dylan Ma'Am? No, I don't know which one you know he's got a lot of songs about night moves. He was like, like a rock night moves, but the idea of that you're recognizing that this is a unique moment in your use that it's all like who knows. What's going to happen, you dyna car accident tomorrow. You know. Who knows you might never make it as a comedian. You might take a job somewhere in. You might always have regret right now, you're having fun right now, you're you're, basically just a couple years out of high school- and you know, you're in your key- did occur,
comedy gig and now you meet in some pretty girl and you guys are laughing and you hanging out and having a good time and it's summer and the windows roll down and the air is warm and it's just something It was something amazing about it. Those days were fascinating men and Greg, and I Fitzsimmons and I did a shit ton of gigs together we work together a lot back in those days 'cause we started out within a week of each other. We were open mikres at the exact same time and we did a ton of gigs together yeah we basically, we traveled all over the place. Together we did a lot of gig. In Rhode, island and all over the place, all the Massachusetts gigs. We did all those things together and what we we still to this day, we'll look back and laugh at those days. Hey, Jamie Jerrod Carmichael is at the wrong spot, tell Jeff to get on the ball. Those days were there just they're, just real, unique
and that you really have no idea. You have no idea. You have no idea what the fuck the future holds. It's a completely different experience. You, like your life, is a completely different experience than it will ever be never again- and I just I remember that I remember that moment. I don't know why it's at one night with one world. Never talk to again, you know is back, then you'd have to call someone they have to be home, like in one thousand nine hundred and ninety there be home yeah. You called him on the phone soon as they weren't home, be like welp against they're, not home. You know it's like wasn't it wasn't like today you could x someone or you can email the nope yeah that yeah call them at their house. There's a few of those few, those that are member yeah. You know hello, yeah, those that are the idea that you did not phones, but I'm amazing, member road trips. With Tom we just would talk for hours hours. We talked a whole, we talked, we drove to Sacramento. One time talked for five hours there
about ten hours you spend with human being no ones on their phone yeah. There's something bill bought that right. I think we're definitely missing something. We definitely missing something with these phones, but there were gaining something too we're gaining a lot more information. I'll, tell you what my kids haven't. Let anyone fire like we did that when we were kids with no phones with little kid on fire. One time just 'cause, we were bored, yeah, yeah yeah. I don't know man this good and bad. It's like it balances out. I guess, but if you had to go back to anytime you're your here, when would you go just right when I first start headlining like right, like that that first time I just had kids, they were young. I was may in one thousand three hundred bucks a week on the road, and I was so passionate about stand up. I was kind of hockey I bet, but, like I just would give everything every night you do. A sick shows Thursday through Sunday and I'd fly in early
press, and I get excited to do press and I come in and just be like, and I have my notebook with me all the time and I was like I just every idea is like a brand new field like you feel like you're, really just it's not like you. Just over the internet in every page had so much to offer and then and then I think I got into when I got enough. When I got into travel channel stuff, I kind of just kind of kind of took a second back seat and I and ourselves headline and I was like yeah. I can do this confidently I think, I'm there now like right now. I feel like I'm back to this place, where I go like I'm really just writing so fucking much where I'm like. Oh god, like everything like, I feel like everything, that's the thing that happens when you have to do a special every couple of years, when you're filming the one thing that definitely happens is you're forced into this creativity, you're forced to wear
both aware of those people that don't write and they sit around for a long time with the same material and then it goes year after year after year, and then it gets stay, Lawrence, Taylor and flatter and or the kind able to write the exact same joke next year, their hours, the same hours just is just a say it differently. I think that was for me, took this hour so fucking seriously. I took it like I was saying to someone the other day. I did one hundred and fifty sets I performed at our one hundred and fifty times before I did it on Netflix or before I did it in the truck. I did one hundred and fifty times I did the math while I like, and I rearranged it like that working an hour and figuring out where to place stuff and figure out. I wear stuffs, you go, I'm obsessed about that. Where do you film in the Trocadero? Ah two shows it was fucking I mean the second show was a dream: that's a great spot, lowered the stage so that I'm in the audience I put a half moon in there. So it wasn't just a little plank no smoke.
Machine. I'd seen everyone had smoke machines, I don't want to smoke machine and I think it really paid. This sounds silly and you won't notice is when you watch a special, but that place is so old. There's little particles of dust everywhere, you can almost see him in the back. It looks like it's like little stars in the back. I love it. I love those of dust real It looks bad ass. It looks fucking bad ass. What is your writing process like? Do you write stuff out on paper? Do you write it on a computer? How do you do it right? I don't sit longhand anything anymore, because it it just it. End up losing so much. I just it just doesn't help. So what I do if I see something or something how it's usually something happens to Maine and then I go. Oh, that's! The and I'll write it in my phone and I'll just put in my phone or all and I'll also write my book. Can I bring my book with me on stage and I'll go to my book and I'll see the one more thing and I said, tell stories, and I know I'm known for telling like twelve minutes stories but like most,
my stories are a little tighter now and what I'm writing is a little tighter. So I kind of work it out on stage mostly, but I record every set. I then go through the recording right and a lot of stage and I'll write down all like fuck, that's funny and stupid silly lines, and- and so that's the part where I and then and then once I get it like that, then I just. And I I recorded again and I find the parts where the silence is or where I'm lazy, where I go, I need something I can't just go suck my dick and then that's the punchline, but yeah I record it. I write it, but I don't on hand right at this, just a more for me. So when you say you write it like how you're writing a just writing like bullet points but yeah, it's all right. All right bullet points like I'm trying to think of the Pope. Okay, so like I booked the joke at my best joke, I'm Tellin right now without a doubt, is about it's about kind about you, but it's it's not about you at all, but the opening thing was just some all. I know the only part of tell you
I wanted to Starbucks, and I thought I was getting recognized. The young black headband, counter came up to me is like dude, like, oh, my God, Adam idea and he's like I'm a huge which fan of Joe Rogan's. So so then me and him out in that interaction, and I made him laugh, and I went oh that was funny. So then, the next day I came back and I made him laugh again and I went oh. I know where this is so then I write it out and I figured out and then and then the next. The other interaction was so big. I realize twenty three of those so then I'll I'll punch it out, but I and I and I find the things that make it rhythmic and the things like for me, things that catch an audience is like I go and then he fell down and then, when he with the so tell me, he gets up leans up like it's almost the rhythm of the way to say it for me before, along with the job if that makes any definitely the case like if someone's a really good story. Teller. It's like there's a whole thing going on the fifth
single thing going on this rhythm, something going on like Stanhope is really good rhythm like when, jokes, he says like it's easier for me, to talk about Stanhope Open about myself, but like when he goes, when he's talking about ISIS and how they recruit people and it's identical hot towel, he recruits people I think it has goes. I I'm working this corner like the phrasing of bill phrase. For me, bird as amazingly bird as it amazingly. What does he say? He does that similar to ISIS the video. This is on his special. So I'm not putting any jokes out. This is on special talk, talks about how ISIS goes online and find like the
like young man who can't get laid and have drinking and drug problems, and and then they bring them in and they show them a good time and they get them drunk and he's like. That's that's how I recruit people and is the line is so great he's like ISIS, I'm working this corner, such a great old barkers technique, he's got the weirdest fucking life ever. I he's basically got a little cult going on in Arizona he wants to do sober October over come on the to take the classes. You should make a should run a house forum in LA, so we give an incentive to come here. I've been trying to get him to move back here forever and like what do you do with your little cult down come on man come hang out the store because he hung out the a couple nights. He's like this place is incredible to me. I go it's amazing. I go to Valhalla. This is The craziest it will like it in terms of what I've experienced is a crazy era of stand up ever in the store is the app is. Center. I'm MIKE, you should be here all the time
he's like I was. I don't know. What do you mean? You don't know your dog Fucking Stanhope get in here. Man go just get an apartment near here, hey any great. If he was here for all October, we just talk some of the state, I'm like why? Don't you get a place here? N there you're a wealthy man of leisure. Do whatever you want. He he is here. I called him up all morning or one night, it's like five o'clock at night, and I was I was it as the. Bullshittin I go which up to- and this is why I love Doug cuz, I'm having a grapefruit and vodka having a cigarette trying to think of some goofs What trying to rework work knock, knock jokes: I'm trying to make knock knock jokes present like let me run by, and he tells me like his version of a knock, knock joke and it's so fucking funny and I go. I could tell how old like four thousand nine hundred and fifty and go and you're just sitting in your room. Tom is right groups. He that's our life. I was like yes yeah, that's,
is life, my daughters will see me doing it where I'm like we're out to dinner is something will happen and I'll just be like, like lmao thing to myself, and work in the bit and they're like. Are you writing a joke right now and then I get sorry I get up and run I get out of the room for me right back right, back oh me alone. No, I haven't. If I have an idea and anybody gets in there, the the real the ideals escape it'll slip away, a good five, an idea, especially kids like young kids. They just start talking like they just start, and then they demand your attention and lighter. You have to look for to haul capture a bit. You have to have silence a you. Can't have people talking at you or you'll, consider what they're saying like really yeah and then also just think it up it'll go away yeah. So I could I treat those things like the gold like. If I
I have an idea and it's a real idea like a real idea where I get excited, I'm like oh shit, I run I get up. I get up off. Table grab back right, back, gotta, go got an idea and people were not into that and don't get creativity and don't right or don't do stand up. It'll weird am out oh yeah, and you have to come back and apologize like sorry. I just had an idea and I had to capture it in the moment. I just have to write it down and I'll show it to him on my phone click on how to read I'm a daydreamer. I literally, I literally, will sit and just talk in the middle of dinner with my family and just talk something out to be like, so you can hold it while you're talking to them, but other. I don't know, I'm tapped everyone out. I top everyone out. I tell my you. Uber drivers have been I'm not crazy, I'm a comic and I do sit and I'll work a bit out like this. Like I got high as the other night I got high, I got high as the other night. This is my eyes is before the triathlon, because I was the smoking pot up and known knows before. The triathlon I walked in and
I walked in the house is way too high. I was coming back from the store, I guess an a walk in the kitchen and my bull mastiff is put away the silver Ware, what yeah Scott Elbow on the counter put away the silver ware put away the silver ware. So I said- and she looks at me like we're gonna fucking help, and then I realize oh she's eating a cake on the calendar, but I was so high and then a dog was eating a cake on the counter just up on it with hand stabilizing in just one, and I started laughing so hard that my brain thought it was silver that I was like. Oh, I walked right out to the man cave and Joe. I must have stood the for an hour trying to write that bit like just going. Did you take the take away from the dog yeah yeah? It was a coffee cake. It was a coffee cake were fine. Actually I went up and help to read it a little bit yeah. She looked at me and she's like we're doing this together is like he will run it rain, bitch and so, but I went into the man cave and I just was talking to my wife came back and I'm I'm standing in the man cave just going like just hand
move like like. Oh my in shoes, don't, like my wife, are you going to bed and I, like I'm sorry, I'm in the middle of a bit she's like alright, just left I'll jump up in the middle of the night? Yes, I have a bit and it's in my head and I'm in bed I've. I've said to myself before I'll. Remember that and I never can remember ever never occasional the one out of a hundred times I'll be like taking a leak. I'll go, oh yeah and then I'll. Remember it yeah. Those jokes are slippery. Like new, Brandon said it best. He said that he thinks of his notebook as like a net for catching ideas. My cool I like that yeah, it's a good way. Looking at it, something on you at all times, because something happens all the time we were like the phone is the best man. I don't know if you use the dictation Never do ever no, no with oh yeah, yeah yeah, yeah talk and it'll it'll voice to text on the plane last night, or
wherever I was yesterday night, I was trying to type in white supremacist and it came up White Supreme Hoodie and I thought well that's funny that you try like I don't. I want to order the White Supremacist Aryan accident like an easier than usual. I just wear. If there's nothing to it right now, where I wrote it, I go all right. Well what we got that the pocket yeah! I got him all. You never know what the up I just heard someone say. However, I have hundreds of them that never did anything so I'll go over through 'em, like sometimes if I'm stale I'll just scrolling through my I go. We got here. We got here. What do I got here? Oh yeah, I never tried that and one of those I never tried. I tried last night. I doubt I cells there's something there there's something there: it's not it's not good yet, but there. So it's a seed there's something there and you got water, those seeds and you, chances with them, and you got to know how many of those duds seeds you can in a set. While people are sitting there paying attention, you got to give him real bits to
you got to also have last night anybody came to came, show hope you had a good time, but I had a for at least four solid died. In their just try, and I don't know where I'm going with them yeah then I go places like Jesus would even saying like what. Why is so extreme? That's all right! I we'll go at the end of my so like I'll work, everything that's working like right now I got about fifty two new minutes, and so everything the that those quick when from one from a special how many months ago, shot in February wow yeah? I got fifty two minutes that I am why they spending that much time before they show it. I don't know. It's a long, ass time to worry March April May June August August six months Right allies is a little shorter, but not much, but just like a month. Maybe we got on the same day and so like that's great, that you're worthy of fifty minutes.
I do I just I'm back. I like I'm, I'm just in it. I like it, I'm I'm where I'm at I mean it's also my things. The only thing I got that's make me money, so that's where my eggs are, as it is so much better than working for the travel channel. You have no fucking, I remember when you were doing it. I was telling you like Burt you're, a funny guy man. You could be made, I live in doing comedy and not and not having these bosses and be on roller coasters every week and bite your tongue. Remember I used to smoke weed in here and you guys have to move the camera right. Yeah hi, the wheat. I don't remember that because it was so crazy, but that's what happens with one of those gigs yeah Howie Mandel went on stage at the laugh factory once and he was talk about how scared he was that he could say something on h and someone could tell his bosses because he does a family show and that he get fired. And like wow, like you're, a comic keys, he's Howie Mandel, do where I was S coming up, just starting, he
already had specials and they were really funny. He was really fucking funny back. Then man is now back in the day. Some of those early cds really hilarious shit, but it is still funny funny he's always going to be a funny guy. But when I was she him say that I was like that is the craziest thing. I've ever heard he's worried about getting fired for, saying something on stage like saying in his act door talking about something in his act that someone deems to inappropriate for a family show, and you can lose this gig at like America's. It was the on America's got talent. Is that what is on the wall? So you mentioned wanting that gig I can I can I can travel channel, I mean I'm, not I'm not travel channel, very recently and asked me if I come back and the like would whatever you want to do, and part of me is like. I think, I'm doing it. I come. I have a no look special, I'm a podcast of a solo podcast I've got something's burning burn on the road
and stand up yeah. I love writing. I'm writing. I'm writing faster and better now that I've ever and then in this special I mean the best compliment. I've ever gone is Tom watched. It was like. I had tears in my eyes in a q. U e! U it's not! This is you it's who you are and I was like. I was like man trucking. I I wish you work for the New York Fucking times like that is the greatest, but but like like what am I going to to Jamie about it. After there's like I, wouldn't I don't mind, shooting content making free content put it out on my own watch like going to swim. Orcas in Norway and me shooting at and doing it you going spearfishing in Miami and covering it shoot it and editing it so that bad as music, and I don't even here's monetize, but it's something that people watching like that's bad ass, mind doing any of that, but to do something with someone else. Giving me notes and tell me how I should behave well. Not only that the travel channel is super conservative
right well, there they got bought by discovery, so they're loosening up a lot where they owned by, like some christian network or something the previous owners were scripts, and they were very faith based faith based like you know, I think that's a filet own, their chick fil a for so yeah, it's nice to know that you go like you say something fucked up on stage and, Only rep question is the one check that's like that was up yeah. I know I took a chance yeah. I rolled the dice and even know what I was saying before I set no, it's beautiful to see you working so hard and getting things done and also doing that with like you're you're running in the marathons and and all the spartan race like you're on your doing man, you're you're, getting after it, it's a great man. It's great to see. You know it's great to He you put together a special and work so hard at it. You know it's. I mean we're in a real cool time right now, like everybody's kind of killing it, I think so. I love
what everyone's doing and they're all doing it on their own pace. Now it's awesome, but you look at our in he's, like he's like texting me in big Sally's like yo Yes, when your scheme to do is show to pay for it and we're yeah he's all right. These are the dates. Yeah. Just so, you know we will be watching the super bowl together. Yeah now he's killing it in his own way. You know everybody is killing it in their own way. It's really fascinating! It's interesting you know. It's true autonomy. It's what you know it's like! We all started doing podcast with you and showing up at your house the little things we'd see review like like I'm a Tom was saying something about remember, sitting on their couch. Yeah he's still on the couch, just be back in it, and you be like sunk in and high is horrible, terrible couch for doing podcasts, God that was always couch at his house for a long time. Yeah I gave it to him. Yeah sorry got it out of my I studio. I had tipped over and then he
is it as his couch and I think he sold it online really sold online right. I think There's parts of that old podcasts. I missed you remember your landline would ring all the time. All the time, love that about my kids, when they were real little when they were like two they'd be screaming. In the background, like someone would stub their toe baby crying. You would hear in the background that, so the evolution on fucking time. I had a lot of people come to my house though, and it was weird like it was cool like board pain was over or you know Jim Jeffries, over, but every now and then I'd have someone over I'd like I don't even know. If I like this guy in my house for some fucking weirdo who I brought on the podcast and now they've been to my house, it's like, is too intimate as well. My podcast is still at my house and we're talking about toms. Do and he's like you know. I can't just having people my my house, so I'm only get a studio. What I'm going to do he's I mean I don't want to tell everyone's business, but I think he's probably pretty open, but he's going to like he's going out here.
Big he's going to do what you're doing on this part smaller level. He wants to stuff and making like his own branded content. That's just Tom Sigara, his sense of humor him and push do their pod. Just out of there to her podcasts out of there. It shows to do is we should get another space and build it up just like this space and have one that's got like four studios in it. And a bunch of us can use him and you just pay a certain amount of rent per month, amen that's where I'm at I look at and Jamie now, for a little bit before you got here but, like you know, meant both cover this, but I shot the whole fucking thing. Like I shot all of it. I shot the spartan race and edited it but it's fun for me. Like I shot the whole thing I just went around and set up camp go to the event. Grab the camera, the set up camera. Do the thing give Amanda MIKE Berlina do the thing, and I did that with the marathon covered the whole fucking thing on my phone, it's like if I could get myself a June, your fucking editor bro I'll, put out content every day throughout the bat signal
put it on your instagram to say but you know it out, don't do that yeah, he definitely did, but you really want to make sure they're not crazy, the hard part, because you get some dude integrated into your life and they turned out to be insane. 'cause didn't David spade his God he had assistant assistant assistant, him diamond in the middle of the fucking night. Who did that someone else David Spade girl through afforded their system that got broke into David Space House and Tae's room in the middle of the fucking night. How bad must he be to work? for for real images you pulled out. I mean asking me, I'm not saying that he was justified, I'm not saying that, but come on man, something something had to be fucked up. If you know over in fact that when they were doing the break, do I love Davis made I'm not sitting on it, but you know when they were doing the breakdown, the police officer,
there's no, like you did nothing huh like how many does he pick up your laundry working for you? How many, how many copies you drink a day, yeah! Well, what was it that you said? I love the. Does your take away home run? Do they got around to see? Unfortunately, I got here cartoon, let's put up with this little Bert, Kreischer secret time this Friday. Is it Thursday night at midnight, Thursday night at midnight, Aug twenty four midnight viewing party? That's tonight you fucks so tonight at midnight it airs secret time on net, clicks blow the fuck up, I'm going to Irvine this weekend or next weekend, but yeah check out secret. I'm thank you, Joe love. You brother, thank you meant Bert Kreischer. Here we go I'm Tom this is so funny
all right, the third time, the bugs out- that's not actually probably better than anything they're going to come up with how much money does he have he's, making his own trip garland falling bitches thanks brother. Thank you, everybody for tuning into the podcast and thank you to our sponsors. Thank you too. On it go to an It use the code, Word Rogan and save ten percent off any and all supplements. Thank you also to the mother. Fucking cash app
go to the Google marketplace or the Google play market or the app store, download the cash app for free and don't forget. When you download the cash app enter the reward code, Joe Rogan, you will receive five. Tarzan. The cash apple send five dollars to Justin Wren's fight for the forgotten charity. We are also bro Do you buy stamps dot com go to stamps, dot, com, click on the microphone, the top the home page and type in J r E that stamps dot com and enter J r e? They will hook you up with a four week, trial, plus postage and a digital scale. Alright, that's it folks as different. Today, love love loves you off mom, one one, one one bye
Transcript generated on 2019-10-13.