Tom Segura is a stand-up comedian, and hosts his own podcast with his wife, Christina Pazsitzky called "Your Mom's House"
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
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another mother Mister Tom Cigar, the Joe Rogan experience? You know the Taliban's here we start getting tweets. That say my jeans are high and tight and I'm ready if anybody ever started saying each other mommies or saying genes are high and tight. We have to drive. The house beat their that's. You mean your talk about like a niche that you guys have carved out, yeah jeans, high and tight. I know that it feels silly even saying it sometimes like when I say I don't like the sound, so crazy so. That's your show, though your show is fucking silly Shitman, your mom's house, if you haven't heard it, it's hilarious, it's awesome, podcast and now you guys a real studio, now,
we. Finally, we moved out of our house and gotten proper, proper studio in a proper office building list, with real professionals who are like who the fuck. Are you guys? It's just like what's happening to podcast man? Slowly but surely, podcasts are being forced to be more and more professional yeah, it's crazy right! So weird I walk out. We walk out of art studio door in this really nice building, there's an account. To the right. Alloy are across from Maine and a shrink to the left, and it's like what are you guys doing like farts and stuff? do you ever storylines the ice cream yeah, but here's the thing we go They also are like. When are you like? What kind of front is this because we're there you know a couple times a week for a couple hours. There were never there right. So when they do see us like, oh yeah, you guys, like you know, yeah we scream sometimes, and we don't go check Well, but we assume that they're like we don't want to know, will do you swear like when you scream
like you, fucking pitch, like you must write you sometimes when I wonder if you crazy, it gets crazy, yeah yeah. Sometimes it gets pretty loud and an certainly to them. I mean for like those regular nine to five hours, there's no way they think that's normal for this car past hurts a lot of them, are listening right now, people in those kind of offices or listening, oh yeah, that shit is soul, sucking it is. I talk about it. Sometimes that do you remember, did you ever do an office office job? No, no! I never did in office. I had a job jobs, but never in an office. You know I had a lot of. I just knew I just knew from times, but when that whatever it is a d d or whatever the it is, I knew there was something wrong with my brain yeah like there's no way or something right with it. I mean there's no way, I'm ever gonna be a listener office. I just can't do it yeah, I I mean I I think back to when I did it. I did it for a while
in places, and I realize now looking back on that. How depressed I was it's horrible. It was really depressing and and and sometimes now, when I'm don't feel like doing something like for my career now I am bummed out to go, do something you know like, I don't know, press or morning radio, yeah morning, radio, some morning, tv way worse than morning, radio way worse as it's the worst. It's the I think of that. Sometimes I'll. Remind myself, like, oh remember, that the real, John the you had to do, you know in sitting in that cubicle and how it was misery for me. Yeah and I imagine it is for a lot of people still I did labor I did a lot of construction gigs, my stepdad's an architect, and so I got a lot of gigs on construction site column, gigs jobs on construction sites, the worst one I ever got was my buddy Jimmy. He got me.
About we were building a Knights of Columbus Hall and we build a wheelchair ramp for it. That's what we're doing The entire time I was looking for them. I only thing I last two weeks carrying cement and pressure. Treated lumber, get splinters in my fingers from pressure treated lumber and carrying a bag of cement and then the the day. I would try to work out and go to the gym, try to work out collapse. I was so tired and pulls it wasn't hydrating correctly force, and I You know I was an idiot back then I was eating like purse, strongly sandwiches for lunch with that wasn't eating healthy ideas and all of well. I do too, but I mean when you're working all day, like you know, it's easy you detailing yourself. Throughout the day you should, if you're doing and that kind of labor the amount of calories that you're burning by carrying lumber and sandbags cement bag. It's terrible! It's exhausting, I remember my first,
First ever job was construction where it was. I was a freshman in high school. It was the summer after freshman year, so I'm fourteen, that's not even legal and I'm supposed to be working. Well, here's the job, my friend dad but really really shity apartment complex and was renovating it to make it like decent so he hired us because we were like slave labor like free? Basically, I giving us, you know: whatever the regular rate is it's half of that, but you have one thousand four hundred and fifteen, so you're like yeah, it's a shitload of money right and we were in Florida in the summer to in apartment with no ac laying tile so you're. On your hands and knees, you know putting the grout laying the tile and just the heat was. It was just cooking it love, and you know like percent humidity. Ninety six degrees outside on your hands in these sweat, just pools of sweat and then some like actual stop sweating. I can't like
tell you to stop because you're, like you like they're, getting the sweat in the grout and ship. So then they come by through a towel to clean sweat as you're laying tile on the ground. I had a summer job where I was putting insulation in walls and attics in the summer, and so you're sweating, like a pig in Massachusetts, it's hot and muggy here sweating like, can pigs and that shit gets in your skin, like literal the fibers from insulation get in your skin. Like you just you Can you close? It gets your neck for some reason I can tracks it like. It would be please be like in here yeah, just you breathing it in you, wear those little stupid masks, but those things don't do jack, schitt, those little so I mean they might keep like a large particles from getting sucked right into your trap. But come in the sides it yeah reading in there it's like a world, but if you could look at and I'm like some sort of an infrared scan and see the particles coming in and out like you're taking that
for your imagine the guy that does that for forty years does to him. It's really freaky man, people that work in coal mines have you ever watch. They had a reality show for a while about coal mines, but I I think they probably realized. Hey, we better fucking, not have this 'cause. I was going to die while we're filming yeah, and then people going to you know be mad. For making the show, but they do live shorter lives right there on a percent yeah to get black long yeah, the literally get black lung. I mean you are a hundred percent going to breed and coal dust all day, you're in a minute in a hole in the ground where they're digging, and they're pulling out coal mean debts. It's for this, not a man, yeah yeah! It's it's! It's really! It's really depressing to think about that. That's that that's what you're doing every day, anyway, West Virginia is like really really poor places where they have these mines. They get pissed. When city people want to come in and shut down, the mines
Sturgill Simpson. Do you know who has country music star? I know the name, brilliant, brilliant singer, but awesome awesome, dude too, from there he's yeah and um. He has a song about it. He has a song about it's all. I think it's called King Cole it's so it's so depressing, but it's part of it is like that people from the city's come in and wanna shut. The mines down like you- and he was describing to me, is, like you, you've, never seen. Poverty like this he's like it's just like this. People have nothing like in the song. He talks about just welfare and pills, but that's Do you see the wild and wonderful whites of West Virginia? Yes, hold the leave, that's what it's like! If so, if you've never seen this, it's so worth, it might be the greatest white people documentary of all tennis. It is it's! It's it. A k, a goes toe to toe with any and like and Freddie white person that
trash about like other races and then well. You know we're just different watch. The wonderful whites of West Virginia yeah, anybody who thinks that white people are different than anybody else. This is what people are yeah people are is extremely malleable. Thinking, organisms that and tap to their environment when you're in our environment is all criminals and pills, yeah and welfare and scams you just like. I think you grow up in that environment as to your to your, and it shows that you really are a product of a box yeah. The whole family is just it's unbelievable how they're all they really are. The same the same, organism. You know they like this. All these different people there from the same family in the same area, an there is no like one. That's got it together. It's like it's in the area. My favorite is a girl. My name is sue bye. Yes, two by two by a bomb, the sixty one Alabama said she wanted to family the. There is a
they're kind of like running through the beats at the beginning. I love that one of 'em is like talking about pills and she's. Like He's got like Xanax and she was like pick these up for, like but and she's like run over here selling for six little boot, scootin boogie right, like like her profit margin, is four dollars and she's thrilled about it. Yeah the one check the way she talked. She didn't let dogs black dance like you can't believe that she's a real person, that's it right. There you're doing a toned down version of its axis line of family, see if you can find her voice Jamie because, like when you talk you like get the fuck outta here, that's not a real person. Yeah, it's been a sexy slender family But you know I used to have a buddy that when I did NAM
yeah ahead here this she's. This is our back. Then, when I was there and then I did on two years now advise Americans the money on right now, nice big table ten thousand dollars a night Monday and I've always been a sex, is one the firing knowledge that come from thousands of paper. Good documentary is really great. I have his buddy, who is when I lived in New York, who is racist and does good dude, but he would say about black people. I always get really mad at we always had disagreements about race and he would go he goes it's not racist. If, if it's everywhere you look, it goes. If you see he goes. It's just being honest about what you're saying I said no, because if you grew up in that environment you would be them. You dumb mother, like you, think, you're you're, something special, just 'cause. You grew up in Westchester County yeah
in some nice white neighborhood, you know, like all your problems, you attribute all your problems because you have problems, but you to tribute all problems. His family in this up I'll, bring it will think about your problems and, how mild you're up ness was compared to people that live in Harlem yeah people that live in the in the in in the book you down in the South Bronx the non like yeah. Did you grow up in that environment? You wouldn't be special yeah, wouldn't stand out as being this guy gets a together is showing up for work every day and he be smoking crack just like them, yeah be doing, I think we are in a product of our environment, They don't think that how they think how lucky they are just to be born somewhere. A certain circumstance: yeah, like I was shooting this shooting the intro two, my new special were shooting love would like a one minute, like short, that that plays right before the special. You know like sketch basically, We were shooting at all over LA and we ended,
in EAST La in Ramona Gardens hazard projects. This is no joke right and as were there. I was like just thinking about like man like because all these kids came up to us because it's all the you know the cameras and the the equipment. The boom and all that and they were like they're just interested in what we were doing they're young kitten in their teenage kids. I just couldn't help but think about. Like man like this because it's still considered LOS Angeles as like, when you say la to these kids, this is what they think it is. This is la to them like that. The x here they don't think of LA as spell Hollywood or Bel AIR, or you know Malibu like everyone. Active on what that is just it depends on where you're from and brought up like they have a real really rough neighborhood men really rough like
mexican mafia. You know cartel kind of shit like you know, it's face. Tattoos Phuc yeah, a lot man alive it's scary, shit and then and those kids are just born there yeah you just get a shift: roll the dice yeah you go to school with all those crazy kids that are dealing, with whatever they had to deal with when they're growing up yeah, yeah man. There's it. A real problem in our culture, where that doesn't get addressed like when you hear Donald, on tv talking about, like Mexicans, You come over here, they're all rapists and murderers, a dude. We got plenty of rapists, murderers right here, yeah like and there's some of them. I assume, are good people. Yes, this is some of them, some of them, but the idea that nobody ever ever talks about like what a real issue that is, like nobody. People will layout like problems like tax problems like the layout, like here's, the problem with taxes in this country- and this is my plan I want to institute a flat
MAX, and I want to do this and do that. But nobody ever goes like these are kids that are up in these environments are focht and they're the burden that they have is so much more than the burden that someone has if they're growing up in Pasadena yeah, you know, extreme poverty is that's real the real real issue that affects a lot more people, and we but in this country oh yeah people always think of it. As you know, 'cause it is, you know more extreme let's say in other places, but there's a lot there's millions of people that countries that live in extreme below the poverty line at the end yearly income. The cost of living is higher here. Yes, so like. If you compare the extreme poverty here compared the extreme poverty in Bangladesh, yeah yeah, I'm sure Bangladesh has more extreme poverty and it's probably more extreme, even in the context of like, even if you look at the cost of living, but it's still no excuse
there's, there's no thought at all about trying to fix those issues. Right, yeah people, yeah they're, not it's not on their mind, it's fun did you think about it How much time do you have a look at it? You ever met, so they had a up childhood. You go man if you could just get out of your own way figure out how to get out of your own way and deal with all the shit that is messed you up up until this point. You have so much more yeah for two need of so much more. You get he's done more. Sometimes they didn't have a fuckedup childhood. We just meet them and you're like get out of your own way. Like it's all in your your putting the obstacles in front of yourself right. You know, you're, I sing. A big problem in a lot of people have it in different facets of life is just denial. Yes and isles. A big thing. People live in denial about any things I can live with about about. Jobs, about money about, looks about weight about fact about everything
like that tonight, you can really you can sink into it and live in it. For that You have your whole life in denial, yeah, like that, a lot yeah! You know, if you don't want to look at you doing wrong. Yes, a look at what, to clean up and it's real. It's really that they're scared of the feelings sure it's just a fear of like if I face that will that be like, and I think the reality is most of the time when you do it's not as bad as you thought. It's. The fear of that feeling is worse than the feeling itself well the feeling, even if it does suck once you get over at the feeling of overcoming that is so much better than the feeling of just dealing with it and putting it in the box. Yeah true, you know the people that people that ignore reality or hide from reality that you were only going to get so far with that you're only going to be I going to have those boundaries up that you can't overcome, because you've put them up to protect so from the truth and part of what it is about being a person when you trying to get
that's something you gotta be able to look at the truth and you have to be yeah and if you, if you don't look at the truth in certain aspects of your life, that's going to into the other aspects of your life to yeah. The whole thing of being organized at your desk, is going to spill out to your yeah house in your car in a you know, I mean yeah, you do one thing right, it'll. It will spell out to the rest, if you do things wrong, it'll spill out to yeah, there was a an old saying. The gym like live every minute like a champion. Do you have work like a champion, do you know what whatever chores you have to do? Do that, like a champion right and you'll, be a champ in everything? You do be a champion everything you do in life, I'm not I'm not doing that. My office is a mass, Oh sorry, it's hard to do that! Everything can problem right now. I should make a video just to shame myself of my office 'cause. I could these packages, boxes of shit that people send me in that.
Company send me and they fuckin' stack up in my office. My leisure, my house looks clean 'cause, you know I have a wife and she's organized and stuff what my office looks like I'm a fucking hoarder? If my office was my whole house, Pachisi JANET this weekend I'll all right I got home, I buy, put I put a dent in it Thursday and another Denton it on Sunday. I got rid of a lot of shit. It's sneaks into my place and put it there 'cause I gave I did like. I filled up eight trash bags like big ones. Of just clothes and shitton chords papers and then like it's like a week or two import. All this like there's new ship I feel like I bought it or anything. That's just spilling out of places. I have cables that
two things that I don't even own it? Don't you have them chapel? What? If I do get another Garmin navigation system and an arm, I would put it in the rental car you accept. I had like three or four these stupid Garmin's, all the new ones, debt. We get a new one, this download the updates from the internet. You plug it in with the: U S b for sure, citing thruway cables and like was it. Do you male to male usb cable? Do I need you, you know you don't need it. If you need it, you go to fry's and you get a new one yeah, but I I had talk it out like like. I was on hoarders yeah, like my wife like, be cool to get rid of this, and I was like we limit think about. It means something to me that in box is the box that the ship came in and like just keep those boxes like for what I don't know. The box. It came in that box. We should keep that is part of that. From you know, we were all poor like we're. All one point: our life. We were all poor when you
you know you like everything is like precious. You gotta keep the ship, so it is. I think it almost goes back to. I think it goes back to like Christmas childhood Christmas, where it's like the box, that the thing came in is like, is as exciting as what's in it, and it was This is super important to returning things like in my house, like my mom returned Fuckin', everything that she bought and they got you think I choose always exchanging I feel like I'm almost attached to like I might have to. I might need this four. Product later, even though I never do you know, returns, do you ever return things that you buy online? I've only done it like once or twice out of one hundred purchases. You know, I don't do a lot. My wife does it every month. No, I could not do that. Once you send something back now, bye I get I be overwhelmed at the idea. I've watched it. I bought shed. That's like
expensive and, like I don't really like this, and then I just keep it like an asshole like it just sits there. I'm, like God, you know on line shopping, is a real fuckin' problem for some people, it's become more of a problem than any other kind of shopping. You realize where it's going to go to this, that there's no stores at some point. Oh yeah yeah! Well the stores that yes, the probably like either stores for like large appliances right. So then you have to actually go and check out or maybe like well like small stores are like owned by people like small. If you notice a like there's these fake, like craft restaurants, there like Faye, meaning that, like the use like like raw metal in like weathered looking It's not really weathered it's not really old. Well, yeah! You know what I mean like this is like trend. That's that's a whole look yeah. This is what is it called craftsman
trend to make everything. Look like invented. Sh yeah is that that that there was a thing with clothes for a lot. Ms price still is right where it's like the gene You buy that. Look like you've had all their holes in them and they're like yeah faded. That looks like it's a natural face, look, but actually they did it in a factory like they made. It look faded, Well, they beat him up too. They will recommend, rub them with Of course we yeah it's very weird. It's weird girls can still wear him. Girls can still wear jeans with all these fake holes dude, can't wear that anymore. No, no jeans, for a guy, there's pretty much. What there's pretty three things that are acceptable. You either like a skinny, Jean Dude Guy right like that's just your look or you can run like skin, tight, baggy, jeans or fuckit like I'm giving up on things sweatpants. Sweatpants, or it's like that. Dad gene like where they're kind of like, like
wash almost like they're like light light, light light blue. It doesn't look that good, but good, really on anyone. That kind of where I'm a little too high, like the the high anti hindsight, is the ad tight yeah yeah, there's certain looks that are still acceptable for like when they can go way further, with the looks they can have holes all over their jeans from their pockets all the way down to like their needs. How 'bout this speaking of high and tight this super high waisted over the naval? Look where it still looks good, that's a new thing right! It's like it was old and it came back yeah and then over the naval. Over the naval. I've seen it yeah that's unnecessary. But you only see it on like really fit women like it's not like you know like that's. Sexy. Look it's like that. You know they do that. They can where they can wear low cut one. Where is it below the waist, or you can see it like that Super low, that's good! That's good! Well, we like it like the smallest amount of cloth between your vagina and air. That's true! That's what we like
you wearing like some sort of a fuckin' jumper suit. It goes on get your neck. Yeah, no, I don't too much work there like it's almost amazing, sometimes we're like you see, I'm not even at the beach like, in a restaurant and hotel asked cheek hanging out of those genes where, like it's kind of stops, you in your tracks or something we like that's a real acid you're, almost naked in this hotel lobby right now and then she's just like getting another key for the thanks a lot you like, do you know how your hang around right now talking pants short shorts, yeah yeah, you like Jesus Christ, of your vagina, is hanging out hanging out and then she's like. Could you not look at me? Please, thanks yeah, if she's climbing, if she's stepping up Astaire like climbing stairs and then drops her keys and bends over to pick it up with one leg up, you'll see her push that little lips going to fall out, yet hello
your slips. My only hope yeah the fray them down like to get to the get crotches like so small. It's like barely holds it all together, like barely yeah, I mean I'm celebrating that look, I'm not critical of it, but still, it is amazing that that's a Choi in society right like the barely clothing, look they're working hard It's a girl choice. It's like dude where Daisy Dukes. Yes, let's trying to get yeah. You could get that Dick that's for sure. You can get that dick yeah guys would wear Daisy dukes in like timberlands with like scrunchy socks. That's a hell of a look, but it's a certain look where like questionably that dudes want to suck your dick. I go with a construction hat on where daisy looks no shirt and scrunchie socks with timber on that that just sucking dick that's,
and if you see that dude and you make eye contact- and you just grab your dick- is going to come over and pack it for special you with that boy. How can manly pastor here yeah? Some dudes are not into that they're into twinks get out twinks. But you can get in trouble from Saint Wink. Did you know that twinks now? Is that off the table guy who owns Bravo, got in trouble for Saint Wink. He called someone twink the the the gang and the guy who can own who's up out as gays a guy can be yeah knees by the case. A guy he's he's, like I would say, like perfect gay, to like he's, got it all going on some handsome wealthy yeah great suits, just gets dick and tossed his phone probably runs out of batteries. Every five minutes, 'cause, it's just vibrating, he gets picked, hired exactly sure how long battery? How many Can a battery get forges dies
I've been yeah and he knows the answer. Actually, that's the name that segment is called asking is get he should that be the guy that they test all their Iphone batteries on. You know when he did well he's he's just so successful, yeah in these handsome into salt and pepper hair. He's not some people don't know this he's not just like higher talent he's the executive yeah. He makes the programming choices yeah. Muscle, hilarious. It has all these housewives, like pitching at each other, looking shows have gotten so brutal. I watched the real housewives, my my wife watches the Beverly Hills one. So it was we had on the d v are in in in the gym in the house. I don't know so. Let me watch this yeah and we'll have to lift housewives. He doesn't make you angry enough to lift it makes you confuse me, you you, you feel so bad for those women. You want to take them and like take a minute,
psychedelic retreat or something like what are you doing? Ok, I understand that this is a job and that you're kind of getting paid To be this person, and yes, it becomes intoxicating because you get all this attention and then you got to kind of caught up in the momentum of being in a cup these magazines this. This got a feud with that girl. I won't work with her and Bob when you watch. Scream and yell at each other. And oh, my god, watch it after awhile. I can't watch the like because those shows they ride on, like the fuel of that show, is confrontations after you watch it So many people argue and insult and get just mean and shity like after one Marshall Break after the other there's a point. Where I tap out. I can't do it. You know. What's also for nothing. Right, it's always great, but nothing of substance is arguing yeah. So, like somebody rob someone in some sort of business deal tell Kathy that my party was Friday and she said
who's bringing Ramon? I was like you can't fuckin' bring remote, it's not your party bich. I can't believe, and then like that's, that is The episode is that Kathy's bringing Ramon to the party. Without asking you would just get out those fucking pills. You would not bad luck. You bich, these girls were having one of them was going on. She said something about. You know everybody knows about your husband. You bring my fucking husband up, you fucking bad. She throws a drink at her and throws a glass at her and like we don't even know what it means. It might not even be real. I mean they might have orchestrated sure they might have said she's going to bring up your husband and you're going to freak out. So it would. She brings up your husband, just tough luck out, just freak the funk out, throw glass and she threw a glass, but she threw it kind of inner direction at the ground. Like if you throw in a glass that somebody yeah it's already! Okay, if you, if you hit someone the glass the glass breaks, I think that's assault with a dangerous weapon, because it's just
it- means glass yeah. You can fuck someones face up. If someone is really trying to hurt you with the glass they throw it at you, but they're not throwing it out, use like throwing it like sort of at the ground like in front of you to make a pie, so dramatic and fake to all those bitches and bring into that project that you want to bring in West Virginia may come hang out with the real housewives real housewives in my family. Are you thinking we talking about how sexy looking at apps won't say next, four bucks but in upper lips and stuff and trouts in it catfish plumper lips up with just fish guts speaking a did you already talked about that guy with the, but now the biggest dick in the world we haven't talked about in the mexican German yeah has an eighteen inch, twenty pound deck yeah. For this conference of the head is ten inches that Dick pic that would get Andy moist. It makes
not really, I think nobody wants and ask that stretched out now, plus that's like horse dick. That's like the course like death by the horse. Course that's way bigger than a horse dick. No, no! It's not going well. The horse dick was like literally like an arm. This is pretty close, he said it's ruined his life. He said he's like I don't know why it affected worked, you know expected jobs. He said no woman wants to be with him. Yet, but it's probably your fucking loser anyway. Yeah I mean, wouldn't you think, he's having fun lesson this time so he's like this Mexican yeah. He can speak English. We could we're not going to stop Mexicans from downloads or podcast their rapists, but why don't say that that's bullshit? Every time I go to San Diego, I'm surprised at how many people come to my show that are from Tijuana I really come up. You can come up like this is like illusion, People have this idea that it's impossible to like visit United States from Mexico. You could totally visit yeah sure
can come up all the time like people come up from t1 all the time like when Why do shows down in San Diego? I do I do the part: what does that fucking place? Not the parlor? What does that shithole uh. I don't know I only in the Balboa theater next time, I'm there, but every time I go, I always meet people from Tijuana by boat. How big is Balboa? It's pretty big, two thousand silence, pretty big it's better to the club's ever you have to. Sometimes I do american comedy club do that for that small I do used to do La Jolla Comedy store all right. That's really nice raise great. I used to do that. But then I didn't do the store for like seven years, but now that I do the store again, I might do that. I would be into doing it. I love that place is going to get called today about that should fun spot man, it's one. Nicked APOLLO recorded one of his cds there that lowers yeah. I think its first CD recorded down there, it's a great spot, It's like the comedy studio are in the comedy store, but it's in La Jolla, which is a fucking great neighborhood.
Otherwise it's is a nice neighborhood. That's not the hazard projects now the whole you Know- is tricky. If you're raising kids 'cause, I have a friend who grew up in La Jolla and she's like it's all, just everyone's fuckedup on drugs, like those kids, are an oxy in high school there's, Norton, math and they're doing all kinds of crazy shit. It's like everybody is by their parents like no real sense of community is rampant materialism. There's like it is a read, the full poor, p b, who you can when you're growing up to rich, I'm not saying that, but what I am saying is everybody's got their problems: yeah, there's a comfortable medium somewhere yeah, but the rich people that ignore their kids in there just constantly focused on just making money that stat develop some up kid It reminds you everything you describe reminds me of like the rich kids of Miami. It's like such the same thing about the beach. You know,
set like the southern beech culture of with lots of money where it was like just so, like kids grow up way too fast Miami you can grow up way too fast, with sex toy with drugs. It's like dude what you're, having sex your fucking twelve like this, so crazy Well, I had to get into concert so how to suck some dick. Ok, ok, ok, yes, sir! it is dangerous man, but those cultures. Like where you have the rampant materialism in Miami is one of the biggest showiest cultures that have been shown time. When you drive down the street you're going to see people that have these crazy cars and have like neon into the cars like have a for our is not good enough. You have to for our with neon underneath it and you have to have giant wheels. There was a this guy had a Bmw. I was in Miami recently flew from Costa Rica to Miami. I put a picture the car on my instagram page 'cause, it was so ridiculous yeah he had a
mw with, like thirty five inch wheels like wagon wheels on it was so stupid. It didn't even seem real like. I couldn't believe that those were the real wheels he had on his car and that was in Miami yeah yeah that the The guy was a driver, told us what it was that would they so they have like a name for it. They call it like when you put giant wheels on your car down there super black lipstick, it's puerto rican. I don't know. If it's super is that super black? So black move I mean, I think it's always I've always associated it with black stuff sure yeah culture down there, there's something about that Miami swag yeah to sum a culture that is also not quite there. It is come on yeah we're going to find wheels on that thing, so stupid so stupid listing this side of those things I mean that is. Four wheel drive like looking in that should be a sweet ride. Man, nice car yeah, it's a nice on
in fact at all with that it looks like they're, probably three or four sizes too big, at least fucking stupid. It's got that like the deep dish that doesn't go with that car at all, what is it's about like bigger wheels that anybody would ever think would be good that took off. I want to say took off in the I like in the nineties is every The whole thing was to get twenties. And then I remember the first time I heard some like somebody in a rap song was like I'm sitting on twenty twos like how shity went up two inches like this dude. That was a thing and then it just must have just taken. It was always about trumping that right. Yes, so there's like six. What do you got in here? I'm sitting on thirty fives man? That's so crazy! Remember when they used to have the dub thing by the front front: fender That would show like it would have like the number twenty six oh remember show you show you what I'm writing on dog,
a boss for twenty seven yeah, those old mustangs right, would have it fender to let you know what was under the hood right right. I would put that next to the front fender wield the wheel. Size, lead, you'll, know why none some dubs and dubs his twenties right, yeah, that's twenty yeah, so the magazine dub is all about. One is man dub sac. A twenty sack yeah take that's all about them. This is what is, is goofy culture, yeah, but then any culture on top of that. Has the echoes of the cocaine for business because When I was in Miami, I had my buddy Steve Graham, did his residency uhm I went to, I think you want either went to medical school down there, but he did his residency down there and he's an ophthalmologist and he worked in the emergency room and he would show me these crazy fucking pictures of dudes would, like light bulbs, stuffed up there at
this is like so many people would come into the emergency room with things in there are stuck in their ass. Like a guy had a gun. Stuck in his ass. A gun, a gun start loading, his and ask and it's so crazy, like in twenty two stuffed in his asshole. Do you think that that's that's about like showing up someone who's? Like hey man? You know I had a fucking. People with my asses like thank you. You think you're talking tough shit and then you just the gun and shoves it in his. You I'll show you also you. I keep my gun patch. We see how wrong I am. You will know how reliant like that sun is gone, just shoved it right now, yeah RON it all it edge, all the like the hard edges of than metal. You know it's not us move like like over will do some damage God I'd, be scared of fingernails forget about it fun,
gone, remember the guy. You saw the You saw the one guy, one Lenjan yeah saw Jesus cry, that's terrifying! It breaks and he's like well brakes and cut him open, and then he starts shooting out these chunks of glass like clink, clink clink. You don't hear him whimper at all. No, he didn't. Even he probably wanted, be hurt. Yeah there, Sir people they believe have print sensors, like they have a different sensitivity to pain like literally there, they don't, real pain, the way other people feel pain and they think that that's like a lot of folks that are extremely into piercing. They get real nutty with tattoos, piercings and lips guys, yeah, yeah and then self mutilation, yeah They say that some of those folks like they can't feel they don't Like and then also it has some
to do with some of them, obviously not all of them, but some of them. It has something to do with emotional pain That makes sense to me, and I've also heard about like the that sensory receptors in our brains and some we can get overlapped where things that are supposed to be like a pleasure. Receptor goes to pain and pain goes to pleasure. You know so something that that supposed to hurt you ends up feeling good. Yeah? If something was supposed to be like you know the your brain supposed to tell you don't do that and like like this is good put a gun in your house, put it in your all, the way in your ask. That's such a crazy thing to do number of bids on jackass when he has the car and he's asked the little thing. No, no that's one of my favourites was that one or two, I think, that's in one, that's no I've never watched all don't put up
I watched all of Jack as I've. Really no. I only watched like a couple stunts from like one of 'em and I can't there's something about, Those guys doing that she had, even though I know they're alive, because they already did it yeah. There's something about that that I do like and one of the things that I don't like is 'cause. I've been around dudes like that to the extreme that those guys take into those guys go too far, but I'm always like you guys are going to get Fuckd up and then it's not going to be fun anymore, like what you're doing now is adorable. If you don't get killed or maimed or paralyzed throughout the thing. Every time basically, every segment someone should be heard, Mame, paralyzed or killed every time yeah without question, yes, so crazy, what they do and the idea that you're getting attention for this is crazy, because now other kids are going attention for the same thing and going to try to up you. Everyone tries to up everybody, and he gets this point where it's it's
You know you're going to hit a wall and you gotTA fucking die yeah. I know it's crazy, I mean with one guy. Did I not doing it when he was drunk driving driving out, but I think that had to have something to do with the way they were living. They live crazy. Dudes pushed each other right If, in in that environment, where my keys so sick he's the sickest, you think you're sick, me Mikey yeah and then my keys, like almost two football, does building don't relate Mikey. You know what Mikey I'm gonna put a gun in my s. Think you're, tough, I'm crazy. I did. I can't watch those I can't watch this. This bit is actually, though this is the it's the
Yes, in the least like crazy, as in there's, there's nothing, you don't see any being done. You just see the guy go to the doctor and he goes to a spanish speaking out and they do an x ray in there's a Twic card. Is this, and so it's the doctor just talking to them he's like any speaking spanish old time he's like I'm, not to it, though, since the plot of the things that we deal with that kind of party so and so, and so cool Elaine lied to me, the little car at retail is a cutting so it's like yeah, not like Carlito's way. Now. I know that like a little girl, but I can't read those little car is a little card is asked it's a toy cars that that doesn't bother me as much as like when Johnny Knoxville after he's a movie star, yeah she's, a movie star, he's doing fuqing that major motion pictures. Yes, it puts a blindfold on and let's a bull, it's crazy, are Jim and flipping through the air. It's so crazy. I know you the whole time. It is crazy that they're alive Fox
in that bowl. Bull launches him and you know he doesn't know where the ground is. I mean I guess, like you, have a sense of gravity, but he can't see and now it's got blindfold on, so he literally has no idea and that bowl, just by sheer luck, doesn't stop in my death or shovel, and through his or or happened when you got, I think in one of those you know these things. When you know it probably better than anybody he so he goes into like. I think in antique store mean dude like just let's just let him unload, yeah and like get butter bean is not uh, obviously super fit guy, but he can throw fucking hammers and he just punching him in the head. Yeah everything he's got bouncing off of any watching him into walls and shit. You know, and that was where he they did it 'cause. I need butter. Bean did one with the more he beat. One of the guys up. I forget which one was he knocked out,
I don't know was job hunting was John wasn't, so I don't think it was what was done on so and then there is the one where they had another guy go in with a female, more tie fighter. She was too I'll. Take that over fucking to bother means goddamm, terrifying, that fucking dude it's hard, yeah he's fat as but he's is also a giant dude you and if you stand right in front of them just strong. You have to be just to carry around all that weight. Yeah I give Ralphie, may lost all that weight. Do you know strong his legs would be yeah because he's every time he stands up, he's squatting. Whatever that tire yeah he's carrying five hundred pounds right again, he walks down the street he's carrying five hundred right now, that's the amount of muscle strength. That's required to do that. I mean the pressure on his joints in his knees raise ankles and yeah. It's amazing that guys like that can even walk yeah like when you see those
how's it Disneyland recently and there's people in these scooters like every everywhere. You look as people the scooters to just over overflowing on LISA Scooters and, like these people have just commit to eating so much. Yeah they're, like you, know what it I just jobs motor around everywhere. I go my joints. It is not designed for this, it's not designed for this, but I'm not going to fix anything. I'm just going to keep I think they get overwhelmed by how far gone they are yeah too hard to stop too hard to stop. It stop and also part of the Ms, the all your pleasure now comes from that you play it comes from food, like I get a lot of pleasure from food yeah sure you know it's hard to pass up on some, how many food, when someone like you pass by dog stand, and you know you see the sauerkraut. You smell the dogs like, oh, you go over one of those right now we have those bonds of small she bonds in all Josh's. All terrible member you what you got me into a blame you a
not there anymore, but it, but I did it with you a couple of times and I was like this is, and I started to do it without you and pretend I'm you like when we would get back on flights from in the delta terminal and that place, to have that chocolate croissant. I'm talking about the one? It's it's gone like that place shut down, but we would go there, return flights and get a chocolate croissant, and it was super rich like flaky, was buttery. Really It was like a real good croissant, like the the the pastry part of it is very fluffy and buttery yeah and the chocolate was look at the most dogs shed croissants on the planet, who Starbucks use right. When I was saying you knew, I knew God there concert dog and they just they change. They were even worse. They their game recently. How recently? Well I mean it was the last time you had one couple months ago, really that was the worst horrible, oh wow If you had with they had last year
Even more dramatically dog, this is russian bakery that I go to, and there are signs are bang in two separate rate: Buttery Ritz that one this this could place They make their own yeah, that's the key. You have Starbucks they. It comes in this little plastic thing open and I have a higher company that they become corporate ties like you. Don't have to do that, like you could make it in house or e least heat. The mop in house like you, have some do deliver to you yeah this Unless I go, do they sell coffee too, and they have chocolate croissants there I'll take you. If you want to go, I want to go, will go after that. I want to go. Take you it's not that far so good they're, the best chocolate croissants I've ever had in my life, really I'm so into it. I I go to a place near my place that the bake them there and then lay the chocolate and it's like these russian jack. They take it to another level, it's another level. They they also put chocolate chips on top of the croissant stoppage today actually feel the inside a croissant with chocolate chips. It's melted down the cook, the croissant, and then they put chalk
chips on top and then it's like a shiny, glaze you bite into it. It's like oh Christ, yeah next level. Next, from the place that was in the delta terminal, which was also next level yeah. That was great man. That was great. You know, and the thing is about by eating that rich food, too, is now like for me, I love food too. I get so much pleasure from food. If I work out the way I working out now, where know doing like pretty hard workouts, I feel that thing where it's like You yeah. I can eat anything which I can, but I do have one yourself Tom here Oh tell me, he was sixteen either twenty six outro by right now and he's waiting for Utah butter butter on your rib. I have a little butter, oh yeah, garlic, yep. Let it melt in there cut into their flesh and have that body dip it in the barn lobster, MAC and cheese or truffle oil hub Rambo how 'bout different
and she's too little different cheeses, dirty yeah, good MAC and cheese like a really like tastefully done. Gourmet, MAC and cheese is fucking hard to pass up. Pulling the MAC up the cheese strings. The melted cheese is like clinging to the fork. It's like. Oh one of those like TLC, did one of those shows where you know like the best MAC and cheese place. I was checked off watching like it was so good like it was so I was so stuck on. I couldn't feel my eyes away from Michelle good. It is places that just do MAC and cheese. I bet they do on Fox. I guessed it right now. Gluten free. Those are things that I mess was pasta. I miss linguine with clams like,
Good clean with clams is like that's how you know. If, for restaurants, for real alleged italian spot, a legit italian restaurant has linguine with clams, not soup, right, okay, yeah, it's a circle, a little, it's a mild salsa white sauce with the linguine just wrist, but it you can choose the linguine. It's got a little bit of a a little to do it and then the fuckin' clams have to be fresh and his little garlic and olive oil and old trees. I scratched it was good. I've been on this booty kick on the road. Lately I've been going just trying to find the best restaurants in cities. An every place seems to have a grilled octopus dish now so yeah and I tear it up. Everytime grill Octopus is very good yeah, I'm a big fan, I'm a big fan of it.
I've ordered two in one place. I was like bring it another one though I'm sorry I'm going to bring it out again. That's what that's one of the things, though you're doing really well now you start to make a lot of money on the road you doing very well, and that's when the things you know what I find a treatment so yeah, it's bad. I want to treat myself I have up my workouts. Much more you is to working Jesus. I am working at which is working out in the day the Sierra and joined the army has a a trainer that will literally tell him how God wants to work him out. God wants me to push you down like tell me the time when you came in, you were sick. Good is it is so bizarre and I he's how's the back. Sometimes I forget about and then we'll come up, it'll be like wide leg. So this time I was, I he's one of people to you know the person that makes you feel like you're lying when you're. Not yes, like he's, like of those people, were like
we had as a workout scheduled, and I could feel like like a respiratory thing coming on and I started to feel pretty so I called them when I go I thought I think we should workout tomorrow, because starting to come down with something, so we could do it like later in life. You take rest for couple of days. Well, I mean like you're sick, I'm like oh I'm feeling like getting sick yeah. I mean maybe just like kind of gargle, some some like sea salt and that's what do and then you know just get some sleep and then you know, if you just don't want Do anything like to like, like I'm not making this you know like. I feel is that sort of tone it's that only have like accusatory, so accusatory, yeah, it's an accusatory tone of. Like I mean, are you just a quitter like that, looks like behind it and you're like dude, alright. So the next day I end up coming and I go hey. I think you know,
you could hear my voice. My voice is my chest. I go. I think we should just like stick to weights today and he's like yeah 'cause, like your lungs like. Oh, yes, so would keep like my from breathing. Really hard. You know it really doesn't feel good. I didn't feel well at all. And he's like alright, so we start off like with some weights, and then I don't know MSN he's like crawl over there and then bear crawl back and do some burpees and like Alright, I just start doing it and you know that like I'm, breathing heavier right, 'cause you're like doing cardio stuff breathe heavier actually run downstairs. It's like hitting heavy bag, and then it's like just the and so like four and it's into it I'm like yeah. As for like the cardio down today, huh he's like well, you know I was doing that first and and then I kind of started to push you a little bit and you could do it.
And then you know the Holy Spirit. You kind of like tap me and was like you know like a little tap on the shoulder like you know, right now, just pull back a little bit so he'll. Let me know if I'm ever going too far, like it'll just will give me like a warning- and I was like alright man, like. I don't even know this guy in your act, yet yeah yeah, yeah yeah. When when can I see you again next, I haven't seen your act in probably like so we work together six months. Maybe now 'cause we did. We did. We did this house, we did, I say did Vegas not too long. That's right! That's right! That's right, but that those are weird because, like always, everyone gets distracted like off stage right yeah, because I didn't see your set that yeah yeah I mean I just you know, that's also a place where you can't see. That's the KA theater yeah. I couldn't get it right. I just did it last Friday. How was it great, crazy, drunk Oh my god, it was fun, it's always fun, but there's a lot of fuckin' maniacs in the audience is times really crazy. Yeah
crazy yeah that started right away. Ian Edwards went on stage like the first thing. They did started there like a few people that were just hecklers here just You know what it was too. It was a lie weekend for the fights not many people there and it was a light, and for my show, and they gave away some comps when they give away comps, that's never good, it doesn't, If it's two thousand seats or one hundred c place, cops is there any way laces yeah? They would get you what you gave away a couple hundred free tickets. Well, that's all you need to do. Yeah we're gonna, go crazy! Gonna release twenty animals. You give away a hundred free tickets. You got ten animals now the enough, the the last. The Mcgregor Fight weekend that that was awesome. Beyond were preparing for massacre. I really, but I really but also like it fed itself. The nervousness was like we talked about I was just a real brief. Like could be
crazy tonight and that's all I needed to hear like. I was just imagining to an irish drugs like Fox Lake, just screaming at me, and so I was really like prepared for like all this can be bad. You know yeah. I went into like that, which maybe is why it was. I felt so good. Yes, it was the opposite of that. Well, it was a great crowd, though they were real. They were, they were so good. I mean just like you, would never have imagined. There's two thousand people in that room or two thousand plus whatever the bucket seats It seemed like it was intimate like they were. They were great. As excited about that weekend. Do you know what the Jesus trainer also did recently was we were doing there's a there's. Type rack where you can swap. It also has arms that go out. I see. Can it basically puts it at hip level right you like power, cleans and some off of it. So it's on Where are the bars on there and he's having change out, go up by tens? So it's like ten on each side and then twenty and three thousand and forty fifty and it was like, should I
the bigger weights, 'cause, we're just adding 10s and he's like no ok and he's like. You know what take them all off and now start putting on bigger way. All right So I have six 10s like on each side right now. It's like so those all off and I put forty five and then twenty five he's like and then after like. How is that good? We keep going up and he's like yeah yeah. I know what he's like Holy Spirit was told me that, like to have you use the bigger weights for your I know, sometimes your problem with your wrist. So I think by you moving around those heavier weights is better for your wrist, but it was the Holy Spirit that told him to have me. Stop doing the lighter weights. Would you risk it's or something Like sometimes you know my wrist, I think I feel like I have like just weak wrists like in general, so. I have sometimes have some pain there or like
with power cleans. You know instead of like having I have like, maybe range. How far goes back yeah, so it hurts sometimes I've like suggested. Maybe I should get you know. Those traps wrist or something Well, we've had conversations about it, but You know what what can help as well is there's some ability exercise if that is what I need to stretch out, yeah Chris. That could help a lot for most people. You, if you live your life up to a certain point and you've never really push them. They have a limited range of motion which is based on it, but you can change. Change that range of motion with stretching? Another thing that can help the strength of 'em is Denver, have a roller. Do you know what that is like have a stick and there's a long string on the bottom of it, and you put a wait at the bottom of the string.
And then he wrote it out. I've seen those yeah yeah great for strengthening the wrists and strength in the form yeah. Well, those are really good for that. Did you read that forearm strength is hereditary. Is it that's what I've read I don't know if it's true or not I mean I was so you can work on it, but in the you know some people just have Mmhm, but like natural, incredible strength before I'm strength like with the grip, yeah, what's also the size of the hands yeah. That is a big factor because, you have small hands very difficult to strong, forearms or strong. Yeah small they're small. Well, it's like there's leverage in having a larger hand like guys have like those big Kareem, Abdul Jabbar. She only must have like a grip of death. She shakes to kill meals, hand. My hand disappears in his hand. Yeah comes like a little yeah I'll. Take yeah yeah, I notice, even in like his stature, is not as big. You know, he's like five, nine or ten, but that with with Tyson yeah his his
his hand, went around my hand. Well he's got a lot of the wide hammer fists yeah. You know in you when you have Have a thicker like longer fingers, it's like in into one of the things that is. A big advantage is having a longer limbs guys, who are long like this guy Hodger, Gracie's long and tall. Finish is a lot of guys with arm bar. Triangles and he has all this extra leverage because he has length right and for chokes. Guys with long arms are really good a lot of times it getting chokes off their back like what chokes and jokes from because they have more length of their bone. They have like a longer is a there's more leverage, often get around so it makes sense with hands to like some would like longer. Hands is more. They can crush you more there's more there, but like little hands like your fuct like look like, people with little hands very difficult for them to generate power could be fast and there's power involved in speed, but, like George Foreman, one of the things that people like,
apparently George Foreman, I never shook his hand, but it's like shaking it canned ham. Ok just as fucking monstrous, again club of a hand. Well, he was just that was just a fucking sledgehammer that would come on yeah. That's one of the reasons why but the somebody like very so much I mean there's so many different things that are definitely genetically like their advance advantageous. It's one of the weird things out the argument when it comes to steroids or no steroids or performance. Enhancing drugs like there are advantages just being born with certain genetics, giant or giant advantages. I have small hands, did not tiny, not tiny, but they're, pretty small magic, it's pretty average. I think it might be like they might fit the actual measurements of the national american society. As for single meetings for average dicks for yeah, not like the Mexican do his hands are how, if you could, if you, if you
I think it would be good, but his hands, like those big phone number ones, would you dick like that now, but if shape the perfect dick, listen What measurements my dick could have been a disaster everybody. That could have been designed. We've all met people with birth defects yeah all sorts of I'm very happy with my dick, but if you could shape don't even this conversation, conversation takes great yeah, I'm a fan. I like and I'll give way worse. Man, yeah yeah dues, micro, six and there's not a god, damn thing in the world. They can do about that and That'S- and that is really sad. It's so it's sad and it's real and there's nothing. They do this how they can do deal we've all seen like I went to This guy wants, in a concert we took spans, often is a he's called calls himself. Extreme Elvis and part of his gag was that he has the tiniest dick you've ever seen, I mean his dick is like I'm not bullshiting. His dick is like the body
come two digits on my pinky, really yeah, I it's it's it's so small, and this guy would take if it's closed and he would he was owning it right. He was trying to nothing yeah sucks She had really like really good singer great band, and crazy, show he would he would take off his clothes, and I would pass on the audience he would pee on people he would piceance Gg Allin. Now he had this girl that he was his his singer and she take her top off Chad, great but still she's pretty, and she was talented she's like a talented musician and he would pee in her mouth he's like. Oh so, who wanted rankings person she's, like idea, I didn't put her mouth- was his name extreme, Elvis could gg you've seen GG stuff right, oh yeah, yeah yeah, he would smear shitan people right and I had a little dick yeah parade that should around yeah, maybe are: all the rage came from it.
Something to do with it. Yeah for sure yeah for sure does I'm going to do a lot people's rage comes from being fucked with and from you're feeling the inequality, and you feel like you got fucked, I got a shitty hand right, goddamnit, look at these fucking, two ones: yeah this mother, fuckers, gotta, full house, yeah, that's true! My best hands, bulshit goddamnit goddamnit, that's life micro! Dick, crowd, deck and there's not a whole. Damn thing they could do about it for now, but the data fix it all we're going have a lot of those mexican dudes around here see a I did used to do about big Dick pills yeah yeah I've seen it I've seen yeah yeah, but yeah. That was great, big, Dick pills, yeah, That is what doing big dick surgery. That would, but it's not, as I saw a thing one time a video on it were like that shit looked so what happened on the video I saw. The guy got the the injections.
Everything it just looked like like a rubber sleeve if there were no veins in anymore. You know it's just like. I don't think it got hard and it just was big and doughy and like like half full, it was like a bigger limp dick, but it looked fucking weird, so he would just smack people yeah. Eighteen inches, though and do a damn thing about a micro dick, which is amazing. They figured out a way to make it hard. That's one thing: they figured out boy. Change the world. The guy who Cialis and Viagra that guy must have home. Goodness I'm out of money. They must be that stop. Oh, my god so dilators right to figure out a way to, and you know those banned from the Olympics do
open your capillaries, more blonde yeah just totally makes sense, but I think that if could figure out a way to actually make something where dudes decks grow. It would probably be the most the most lucrative investment ever yeah yeah there Because everybody- even if, like you the world with your dick, so I was like yeah. It's fun. Just try one you're going to buy it in my head really had an inch wouldn't want to exchange an inch yeah come on just I'll. Take it you're happy with it right, you're happy with your dad, but he thrilled yeah. Are you thrilled? getting like agents as the salesman like you know, they're all sales and service like if I agents in there being like speaking of lucrative, I was with with Ian Edwards this weekend and Greg Fitzsimmons Ian and I were flying home and we were at the terminal. We ran into this girl that Ian New from the store
and apparently she's a stripper and she were sitting down having a coffee and she asked if she could stay with us. Yeah sure I'd sit with us, and so she started talking about working at spearmint rhino trip in this nat and she worked this yeah and she's coming back and you know she's just talking about you know. Everybody was keep in this that nest and then said she was working with this girl. She's work, this girl and a girl- and I go- I go. What percentage of the girls that you work with are willing to have sex with guys for money and she's, like is quite a few shows I this one girl this weekend. Who is like how could have do you get and she goes but she goes how lucrative to get 'cause I get I'll, be getting lucrative
an and she goes way mean lucrative, says I'll, go I'll, go back to reduce hotel room for one thousand dollars. I get lucrative lucrative for lucrative. This girl was married to a guy. Apparently that is not gay, but is a dancer dances for men and he does he's gay for pay. He's gay husband is her. Husband is global. Well that, like five guys run a train on tour, it's fucking, unacceptable dude. Hey one night. He doesn't have to work for the rest of the month. Ok,
how's that how you sleep, are you sleeping? Well. Is everything good? Ok, ok, you! Out of your fucking mind, he's lucrative he's. Really. I saw that like MTV Mtv, real life thing, they did that with a guy where he was like, I'm not gay, and these six guys about to blow these six guys on camera. I saw that they were all clowning him. Remember that, yes, they were all openly gay and they're, like dude you're, sucking our dick. Today, it's like I'm getting fucking getting super lucrative. They had a girlfriend too, and his girlfriend is like I don't like it. It's his job is his girlfriends like kind of homely and he's a good looking guy yeah, and I remember the line that he had to say in the video angel sex is the bomb that had to say before these dudes ran a train on him, man he's just lucrative lucrative, Lou Gehrig. A pretty lucrative
how crazy this should get Vegas Club on fight weekend. This girl, man, I was just- I wished- had more time yeah she get some more crazy story. How do do you yeah. What's that stripper stripper fees like with strippers said, or something talking about yeah yeah goddamnit, pretty funny I met, does one of the guys that is works, for that feed has a buddy that fight saw in the UFC, and so I go back and forth that dude, sometimes on on twitter cuz. I follow them. Yeah, stripper genius? Yes, yes, so some of that is hilarious on their feed. I can't wait to be completely done dancing because I'm sick of digging my Ffucking t bar out of my asscrack all night. That's kind of mild yeah it's mild, There's some good ones and there's some good ones in here stripper is fallout that on the twitter
my new guy said no more masturbating for me. Okay here it is. Maybe if you ate a burger you'd have some Aston titties. I've done cocaine. A lot of rock stars too many really I'm sorry. If my breath smells like tomatoes and liquor. I like that Ah uh, There are two there's too many benches and not enough Slutz, amen, sister fuckin', booty call in a hoe just to get bitched out is depressing and amusing. It's like a dick for some peace. Right now, these are all good they're, not bad, this good ones. In there we got a fish form yeah. They should post less quality over quantity 'cause. Some of those are just not that interesting yeah, but some of them are, but the good thing is they're all real, like they're, not like it's not like a comedy writer who's like
to find out what the funniest shit that is triple could say. So they should use that on stripper genius. Tell how lucrative are you willing to get help? Please Look through do you get, I get put a lucrative You imagine a girl like Rosie Perez accent yeah yeah yeah, that's the perfect person to say it. Real Luke Williams, hello, Are you willing to get get? live day, yeah put the phone down calming okay addicted, searching for more right, yes Super Dick Arisha fear has a really good fucking point: I'm not following him into the abyss of of the flip phone, but he's like in in the more in the morning I would ways to half an hour every morning I just get up but Facebook and check my twitter he's right, yeah, is right. I do it. I take my morning shift. I get excited to bring that phone to the bathroom. I do the exact same thing that shit I'll walk there's, nothing like oh. I forgot that she turned around 'cause there's some people's twitter feed that are fun.
Model and there's always like some new news stories or some interesting things going on. I get most of my news from a twitter feed in the bathroom As I got I'll, follow breaking NEWS New York Times again well, what's going on right now, yeah yeah r, I p Wes Craven, that's yeah, exactly all the trending stuff for sure that I found Robin Williams died. Mostly Robin Williams. I was like what no way that one feel real remember. I saw that written down our Ip Robin Williams. Was I watt crazy that one year just passed on that, I couldn't believe it the flu right yeah did, One thing that you'll, especially once you kids, born time excelerate every year, quicker yeah every year, like your kids, were babies like I feel like yesterday, I do yeah and your kids, and the same thing with you and then one day going off to college. Sorry off, you know, being an adult
how old, now, how old five yeah yeah yeah it's weird. It's it's really weird watching. Other peoples, kids grow up too and also here's another thing. That's weird watching peoples, bad parenthood skills, fs themselves in their kids. You see it. I have a friend who's, Fuckin' eight year old, it still sucks his thumb and he thinks it's. Ok he's like it's no big deal. I got no, it's! big deal like your kids, sucking his thumb yeah like he's. This is not like healthy behavior, not supposed to be sucking your thumb when you're eight yeah, your kids, going to get fucked with he's. Getting you fucked with by other kids in school, is not already getting fucked with. Like that's just weird, you start I started paying attention more. You started to key into things more like we're at a restaurant and now when we see like you're sitting next to a table where it's a family and they have the kid and the kids like seven and he's on an Ipad with the volume up so watching a video playing game. Hearing
and you're sitting there like there, teaching him that that's ok like be entitled, be oblivious How are you not telling him we're in a restaurant right now? You know at Lee if you're going to check play. Games bring the wants to hear the explosions yeah, but I start pick up on that more like there. That's why when that guy grows up and he's oblivious to what was or was problem that I'm doing whatever I want now who's around me all the time because they put they let him know it's. Okay, no one told him like you have to be considerate of the people around the more like trunks are so unnatural to we all love them. You know everybody loves a good movie or, but he loves to look at their phone or check their email. It's for. Ever reasons compelling there's so unnatural, that when you all sitting around the dinner table and is five people and everyone's like stare, and I pad see it all the time now. Yeah LISA phone yeah. You know, but
little kids. What is is kids are hard to tune into they they care about. You don't give a fuck about like I my kids out for breakfast this morning and we're sitting around and we're coloring. You know a lot of times when you, go to a restaurant, they have a kids menu and they give you some crayons so we're drawing. You know they want, but can I play with your phone like? No? Let's just do this. Let's just do this. Let's do this, but that fucking phone is better. What age you give my phone on that question. That's a good question! I think that age changes when right. Yeah that you can is a new thing that they have for kids, it's like a wristband that Lego, like almost like a watch type thing that has a tracking device. Tell you where kids are all the time and there's a button, they press on it where it will call you only you sound a phone, but it will call you like that.
Left me over by pirates of the Caribbean and lossed, and then you gotta go find your kids there that yeah well, they have that wow, that's cool and then like that step one. Then your kids going to be calling you all the time yeah pressing that button dad. I hate second grade full yeah, dad dad. I want to go to school. Dad you get that a lot, or not. Maybe they love it. That's true, yeah they could the id the kid is supposed to be thinking about what they want to do for their future, those crazy like this people have prepping their kid for whatever that future- remember 'cause I went to school with that were being prepped for Med School in elementary school. I think it's kinda fuckedup for you and I'm more than anybody else, especially because we actually love what we do and we do is so discouraged. Yeah true nobody says Tommy. You should really be a stand up. Comedian now, just start fucking with your teachers,
Is there any kid in class, it really stands out being annoying Hey, it's not imitate him and put him in ridiculous scenarios like in Napoleon's army and put in start if you think of something funny to say in a really serious moment in class, just blurt that shut out yeah, if you can get a laugh in class, now is the share in math class. So how does the greatest thing we had a thing in when I was in fifth grade where, like if you got in trouble in the first part of you didn't get to go to recess recess is like everything like hey: do you want to go to Fiji to adulthood right kid and they're, just like recess is reflecting schitt and I remember like. Biting my lower lip, be like. If I say this: oh, my god, we get taken out of recess, but then I
that is say it anyways and then it's like no recess. You know, but like it was worth it to to make everybody in to the class laugh. I was funny in school, like with things I said, but I would draw things that were funny I'll draw cartoons like we, this guy to white mister was crazy. He went to Vietnam and bad things happen. Over there really. Apparently he was Shell shocked that we used to call it back then before they just called PTSD, but he was a real, tiny guy who's like five two, so every time I would draw him, I would draw him standing on a box or standing on a chair or standing on a stool, and he would like someone asked for a pencil. Once, and he goes you want pencil. He goes come here come over here and he takes the drawer from his death. Yanks it out. It's got pencils in it and slams it on the ground, and he goes take one of those pencils
Holyshit and everybody was like what the fuck and we all knew that this guy had been to Vietnam like this. He would talk about it. Occasionally. You know that's pretty terrifying. To do the he was you know in a school system to this is Newton S high school, ok, so Newton S, high school is like they did. Bus kids in from bad neighborhoods, and that was that was an issue because they they did bring these kids in from Like Dorchester in Mattapan, like really bad neighborhood, and there was definitely a day a day. Difference between, though, in everybody like, like these lambs of these suburban lambs and then these urban wolves would come into the city, but it wasn't too bad. You know the like there wasn't like gangs or anything crazy. This is like. I went high school, I graduated in eighty five, and that was for like rap music for like straight outta Compton and all that crazy shit with things like escalated right, like
violence, an like rap music, no matter what but says absolutely perpetrated like a different sort of, acceptable mentality or a different sort of behavior? They aspire Tord that wasn't going on when I was in high school. So when I was in high school, like Sugar Hill Gang was like the big thing right: those like junior high school hop hey. What do hip hop. It wasn't that kind of the kind of music that was you know it was, gangster rap rap Gangster, big Bank, Hank, free up. My point was uh they were just they weren't that bad and this guy. So this guy Mister White was growing up in this neighborhood and in this neighborhood it really was, you know, wasn't it wasn't dangerous play sure, but he would freak out and pretty good Do though he was a really nice guy and he's a very smart guy, too had some really interesting conversations with the moves very aware, but he just had
a trigger that we took a joke really. Well, though, tell you that man never got upset in my cartoons? Really he laughed thought they were funny man and Mark dude, but it's funny when you grow up to think of your teachers as people, as opposed to like when you're a student and a kid teachers are like you know, you don't imagine. Your parents are people there. Your parents and teachers have like that special place that, like that's mister white, You say that, like their names like I don't know like just then you and you're like that, was a miserable fucking guy like he did like. I remember teachers that were just hate clearly hated teaching yeah it was a lot of those men yeah There is a lot of this. You know, there's no money in it. There's no money in it. Imagine just dealing with a new crop of asshole teenagers every year that don't give a fuck about you bye, You know one of things that really bummed me out. Man was people that would say, like negative ship to kids
not realize the impact that negative should has on there. I got. I have told us before I think I was in this- is the only laugh I think I ever got in high school in in the class, but it kicked out for it. My teacher, she was black. And she had a rip terrible accent and she's teaching, teaching, math and uh. I was not paying attention and probably talking and she was Mister Rogan. Would you like to come up here and do both of these questions for his class Ann? I said: would you like me to do both of those questions and the fucking? is like there was like a pause like no, he did and then but like everybody start and then she- and she goes- you Know- gets checked me out. She goes. Don't laugh, go ahead. You know Mister Rogan is going nowhere in life. I'll tell you this right now and then she kicked me out of class. I remember thinking that, like what a rude thing.
Day two fourteen year old who, by the way you may be teaching math. But yet you might want to look up work on English yeah, because that's not how you say both yeah, I don't say both, there's not an f in there. So when you saved a loaf- and I All I did was say. Would you like me to do both of those questions? I set it the way you talk and I got in trouble for that right. Well, that seems pretty fucking ridiculous yeah, if your accent so bad that all I have to do is imitate it and it gets a giant laugh in the class. You know I did, and I know what I did the whole class knows what I did. I corrected your shitty way of talking yeah and that got me kicked out and not just kicked out by, I'm going to start something to say it's a fact. I remember in work, but it could over. Here I could I I know I witnessed a teacher. Tell a kid uh you're, nothing you're not going to amount to anything and it in a moment of rage like I could see the kid I just got in big trouble, so it was like he was.
Flip out when the kids get in big trouble for he we were on a like a school trip and he had around with the air conditioning at a public place like any. He said it. He said it at ninety. But he's kind of a truck. He was a troubled kid right and the teacher said that to him- and I remember all all of us that were in the room, 'cause we weren't all. It was only like ten of us when this guy came into like to yell at him. We all just stared at the ground he was he was. He was so full of rage when he said to this kid, but he really went. He went in hard, I'm not even doing a fraction of it. He was like you're, not shit and you're, not going to amount to ship, Fu R Watts. Yeah he's treatment, killer grown up how, over there, the the kids
yeah, we were, we were, is thing juniors in high school, we're we're old enough yeah it but like it still is up to set it up yeah. If, but the man who that one thousand six hundred and sixteen to seventeen oh yeah. Well, you know what man those guys who just there's PETE. ESD and being a teacher two man for sure, more stress and pressure that you have to deal with, and then you want John to raise your family and everything on that bullshit salary that you'll Shitshow yeah. That's why? When you get a one. It's so memorable. I had a really really good english teacher, really good english teacher and really good spanish teacher english teacher was so nice. She so nice and everybody loved her and they got psyched when they got her, because she was like she would talk like she was an older lady when I was in high I gotta imagine she's, probably in her late 50s to early 60s Ann. She would talk about sex and she would talk about like romance and
you know like how you know she was like talking about like literary works and then she would talk about how it applies in like what you're going to experience in your own life and he's going to be times in your own life, where you just think that this is everything in this person's everything to you and those are wonderful moments. She goes but they're transient, and sometimes they go away especially when you're young young and you're having sex with each other and people in people or what Is she saying yeah? We couldn't believe it. You saying we're having sex and she's like, and then you know that person might have sex with somebody else and you're just going to be devastated, but maybe they just going to love you more once they do that. You know. Maybe they'll make that steak, and then they will just make them appreciate and accept you more, but some people can't they can't deal with that. They can't deal with that and I remember her saying that I was like whoa this deep ship, pretty deep, high school english classes old. Ladies talking about fucking people and cheating jealousy and everything, and how silly it all was and how, in perspective, which
trying to give like some, I forget what the work she was referring to like what what book talking or would a stories we were discussing that made her bring that up. But I remember thinking like wow this lady drop, some experience, knowledge like I forgot are saying that, like that, you know when someone leaves you or someone cheats on you it'll feel like the most devastating thing. Ever but they might really just feel better because of like they may Love you more because of that it might be better for your relationship after that's over. She went through some yeah. She must have, she must have, but it was, she was describing to the class had a great great spanish teacher to spanish teacher was awesome. He's like yeah. He was like friendly and fun, but then after I that's, I found out that he was banging students. Whoa yeah, so he was so friendly. He bang one of my friends wow now, when she was seventeen yeah
started he started banging her like, as she was a senior in high school. I, like, I think he banged her a little bit as she's graduated, two balls. It was the American yep. And how old is he he was handsome guy I wish I knew I would have to say shit. You know. Obviously I was seventeen, so he was an adult I would say. In his 20s, maybe ok! So that's relatively a young teacher, though yeah, probably like twenty graduated from college, so it has to be like twenty five is not for like he's, probably thirty, like twenty now some somewhere in that range, but I was surprised, was bangin. Seventeen year olds was like. Oh, oh, hey, buddy, I mean look in perspective. If he's three in the girls. Thirty, it's nothing right, but but yeah their students, are different than yes. Yes, yes, did it last long there. You know he doesn't remember. I don't know, I don't know once I was gone. I was gone man when I was graduated from high school. I fuckin' graduated
I mean I never even went back got my diploma. I didn't go to my graduation really, I want it. I was like I don't want, have anything to do with this place. I just wanted to be free get out of there. I wanted to be I just I just knew whatever they were selling whatever they were, pushing whatever, whatever whatever mold they were. Trying to get me to fit in. It was unacceptable, and I had figure out what I had a like detox from or they did to me and it wasn't there. It's like they're, just teaching, it's whatever. What every kid experiences when their true forced into doing something they don't want to do along with the pressure of growing up along with the pressure you know Parents are putting on you with the expectations. Your family might have with me a lot of expectations of the people that I knew like my kids, that I was going to school with their we're all set up for college and they all have these ideas or what they were going to do, and I was lossed I was like I do
so what I wanted to do was competing in martial arts tournaments, but I knew there was a limited amount of future with that was like. Where can I take this? I knew that eventually, if I kept going to I was going to get brain damage, also, probably already getting a little bit of it. I was like this. If I keep I'm going to wind up fucked in the head- and I got my wind up, slurring my words or something really fuck yeah for sure especially once I started kickboxing, so but I also knew that up job like a job job like an office, job fucking, unacceptable and I can't do it. I just won't. I don't too much enerji or have too much impatience or something I mean just not. I'm not gonna be able to sit down so I I just had to wait until I got out of there to try to take a deep breath. I took they're often do anything for a year. Just worked worked and compete, and then I started going to Boston
Umass Boston for just like they had like a continuing education program like you, don't have to take it as a tease yeah. I never took mass cities yeah, so I just went, and I did that for three years and I was like what I'm I'm just waste my time yeah, waste. I I didn't. I knew that in an office it would be, I think, my literal death. I could feel the discussion of it sitting in you know like all it is special because it was, I think it's a lot of. It is not that working in offices the worse. It said it wasn't meaningful work. It wasn't anything that I cared about right. Any of the office jobs. I had were just something to do because you're supposed to have a job, and what did you think you want to do when you're in high school, like when you like? I don't know, I mean you're seventeen you're about to graduate what you want to do. I knew I wanted do comedy, but I really but I didn't know I wanted to stand up. I really thought that I think it's, because what's accessible or or what seemed accessible or like the thing that I respond to
watching movies. You know, and so I thought I would be a comedic actor some kind. You know like that's what I thought, who is your favorite I love I mean I loved, like the you know, Balooshi no Aykroyd. I liked him. I like Bill Murray a lot, and I Eddie Murphy, like those were kind of like my two favourites, as it course you know so like I thought everything both of their schools their styles are really different, but to me they were like the really Chevy, chase and stuff, like those guys were like the funniest fucking. Whatever happened to Bob and Doug Mckenzie Bob and uh, do you member the honey, I shrunk, the kids guy, oh yeah, with the glasses yeah, and then there was the other day had a show. Is that Rick Maraniss? Yes, he quit acting. What happened with that guy? He quit because he just didn't want to be a that's what I read he didn't to be in in the in a business was ridiculous
when I was a lot of people that feel like that yeah he's at a certain point. We just don't want have anything. I think you like horror, move to like a you know, just off not off the great really but like just away from LA and just done done. Just one only does for a living. I did too. I wonder I forget the I read. Are about him about how he starring in movies and was like Fleck this over it's interesting. This is a sump. Some people do they have that wake up moment or like okay with this is not what I want. To do it's not what I thought it was and now that I'm doing it I gotta get out of this yeah. I mean if you're working, entertainment too, especially like on the the acting you know directing side like if you're like one of I could see how there's How much nonsense involved? business side of that that very at some point I could you know could be very talented and not be working at it and be like what am I doing just trying to get into the system. You know yeah
Well, it seems unattainable. Yeah. When things seem unattainable, you think you want to write right right, right, yeah! You think you do That's what I think happens to a lot of people when they get that reality show fame. You know they think, they look at it like. If I was famous boy, everything could be great. And then you know you wind up being one of the housewives, it's like on the cover of magazines, and then you realize how many fucking people hate you yeah the anger or have you ever lick scene, like the teams comments. One of those like real housewives gets in trouble Jesus Friday, you're hated yeah sisters out there. That are the using their rage for whatever disappointment they have in their life on you, because you're the chick on the housewives with the fake lips and, to a certain extent too, it's just it's
there's something more like relic they became about in the last. I feel like one thousand five hundred and twenty years, which is that being famous for the sake of being famous yeah, really is a curse. You know it's a It's a highly pursued thing now or people are just like being spanish. Having the best thing ever, but when there's not, Behind the reason that you're known, I feel like that's just a empty black, but is it as much of a black hole is growing up in poverty in a bad neighborhood in LA like? If you look at those kids, that you saw in those projects that are in this trap. You've stuck in this awful neighborhood crime infested community. Is that a worse or is it a worse, live to be Kim Kardashian, where everybody just shifts in your mouth everywhere. You go well they should her mouth as she gets on a Gulfstream G650, exactly So it's like yeah like I understand the question
These two, do, you think, do you think to her face there mean I bet, they're, not know they're, not there's a lot of access to means? He says the main things, probably all, but there's no way people are as brutal as they are online as to her face in way yeah. Even those people that are brutal to her online if they met her and they were in front of her yeah. That's why the interaction with people online is like. So flawed I was reading a mean blog about someone the other day, and I was like I wonder what this person, how this person would feel they were sitting down with this guy. Conversation with them. I wonder if they would write if they would say the same type of that they wrote when the person, respond like Blah writing mean blog about someone is. Really like the coward's way out. It really is in a lot of ways because you're you're addressing someone I can address you back in some, well, then again so is shiting on them in a in a shooting and I'm doing stand up at least
I was going to say at least we're trying to be entertaining, but I guess they're trying to be entertaining when they write a blog to yeah. They are trying to something out of them boot, come for the show, but that girl who made that video about fat, shaming, yeah yeah. I only know about it because I saw a tweet. Again going back to like the entertainment of it like. I saw a tweet I saw the response, video that Sean Halpin made I haven't seen. That was pretty funny man, possibly funny. Let's play that first of all watch part of the video this morning it's been edited. I got I got a point after the first few minutes yeah. I thought it was good, it's you know, yeah she's here, she's hot, that's part of the problem. Shooting on fat people and she's got a perfect body and your beautiful face and big old today's Hawaii. But this is, like you know, I guess she makes. I don't know Youtube videos, yeah, but look, there's a fuckin'.
Nous and making these got. Damn you two very over there are the comedy store next door. They have that hotel with the use the side of the hotels, a billboard they paint stuff on and there's a huge one. That was all just as you to page of this girl that I don't know who she is, but she two million followers on Youtube and Youtube is decided to take out giant bill, words on the sunset strip that show people that more than one million followers, so they have like x amount of million wow yeah there's she has more than one this one girl, I don't remember her name at all, but like it's her with, like some cheese, puffs the wacky, but there's there's several of them. I've seen several so there's can be entertaining like this girl hit the fucking jackpot with this video 'cause it Talking about it right, it's on Twitter, a lot of people talking about it, um Sean,
doesn't help and by the way, I'm not Sean helping in funny ones. Well, you're way better. Looking than him give up, everybody says: let's, let's play, let's see what their response of hairspray or semen, no pretty sure that semen, dear fat people. Yes, what do you have to tell us something more already, really mad yeah 'cause, I'm mad about your city act out. I'm going to sit here and wait for you to tell me a hacky fat joke. What do you need to chase me chase me? No, I only chase after taco trucks and people that are relevant. It's going to be like sucking Frankenstein Frankenstein wasn't fat. He was slow, oh
oh, I see what you're doing you're. Comparing someone took a comedy class yeah. Can you act out being a zombie, so we can get the whole Sci FI crowd an nerds behind you. I can get away from me by walking at a reasonable pace. Is that a snake? Oh? No! It's just your list. Frankenstein not so fast. Zombies have apparently gotten faster. So we're talking about zombies, now you're way off from your original message, much like three episodes of the walking dead and not being slow myself in three minutes. So I'm looking at every single episode is exactly What you mean killing zombies, that's what this shows about dummy! Oh, no! They need something, but it's all the way over there, where the zombies, the giant cow, and why is this being shot like an american apparel ad?
It's not a thing what you tell that to the teenagers to kill herself, because people are fat, shaming them so you can 'cause they're dead, Osh. It probably made up. I made out by the same person who told you have talent race card with no radio. Now you bringing race into it, oh, and can I get a shity act out? I couldn't fit into a store, that's discrimination. Now, then that means you're too fat. You should stop eating hey. Can someone shut this bitch up drop, Judy ACT out need to use a race. Car is a disability card, there's even a game card, arrays card disability card, a gay card is biz, better, not have a sack
our committed against police, your car's covered in glitter, it's magical. I hope you choke on a glow. Stick. Hope somebody be too with the unicorn hope. Somebody takes those three cards you're talking about and shove them up I'm going to tell the doctor that they're being mean and fat shaming you and they say you have fucking heart disease. No because he's a professional- and he sent it to my face- he's not on social media, making dumb blanket statements, I'm not talking about people who have a little bit of cushion for the pushin. If there's people watching this with a specific health condition, this is not aimed at you. You just talked about someone who might have heart disease document. The thirty percent of North Americans who are beaks? Fellow bees? I dare you, okay, anything again. She played one in a.
Ok, that sounds great yeah. Well that's what happens when you make something like that right, yeah, if you are getting yourself up to that, did it when you make anything your but your your but like you know I've well what oh, that's, a Damon Wayans defends Bill, Cosby yeah. I didn't hear about that shut the fuck, oh, you should hear hold on a second. What is that hold on? Let's see, what's on the breakfast, come on, just muscle, just pull it pull that up to dance that can't be real. It was just on the the headline thing you know they have that little headline thing: the drop down, I guess, entertainment go to. Entertainment Cecil the lion. His back, backed there. It is Damon. Wayans differ. Is Bill Cosby. After this, he called his accusers unwrap a below. No, he didn't say yeah yeah no, you know who else defended him? Hello, Chuck D, Chuck D called
the all the accusations against Doctor Cosby, that's what he said doctor because which, by the by the way, first of all he's not fuqing doctorates an honorary doctorate? He can't call doctor cause when a university gives you an honorary doctorate for fucking, showing up and being nice is gives a lot of attention and promotion to check to do that. Recently. Yes, very recently, I was shocked, it was talking about the conspiracy against doctor, COS come on. No, I'm not I'm not kidding. I'm a huge chuck d fan huge public enemy fan, but I don't know man man? Tell the truth. Wayne said about his advice for the card. Show star. If I was him, I would forced my wife, give her all my money and then I would go do a deposition. I would right, one of those three hours cigars and have some wine and maybe a quaalude, and I would just go off 'cause? I don't believe that he was raping. I believe he was in relationships with all of 'em and then he was you know what it says:
in the eight. A don't worry, like that? No more! I can't get it up for any all by Biches and then, like. Oh really, rape. I was just trying to be funny. I mean so it's hard to hard, see, yeah, ok, power, one hundred and five breakfast club is that that Dude Charlemagne. That guy is like his whole show is like talking shit and like yeah, yeah, fine and the God yeah yeah, so he's just trying to probably be quite good so he calls it some money. Hustle see. I think you should listen to this. This is one of those things where I definitely don't think they should have already have it for so, let's play the audio because I don't think, like I'm doing, eight a shitty version of it, because this, like. I don't think that he, you know I can't I have a really hard time, believing that you actually said that that's fucking, crazy. Is find the actual thing of it and then go back to it.
The ability to only have the audio in your head, so you can listen to it now what the kind of studio we have here James! We need to do if you put, if you type in breakfast club, will it well. I think you found it he just has to isolate the audio, that's crazy. I said that though she's that is career suicide in serious, though because then he also, he also was like yeah I'll. Just let you play it was pretty crazy I read it. I read a full transcript. I didn't hear it it's hard, because our Damon is really funny. Damon Wayans is one of the most underrated comedians like almost ever. Damon Waynes at one point in time. I know he. Off of it and decided to like do more acting. He was in the last boy scout. He had made some like really big movies and he was doing a real well and it was coming off of in living color and he was on his way to. He was on his way to super stardom to the point where he did one one of his feel specials, I think, was called Damon
his last stand and when it was over, he threw the MIKE down and said this is my last stand up: I'm never going to do only through the mic down and walked away, and I remember thinking like what you can't stop like. She says, he's one of my favorites at the time he was like one of my all time: favorites Just you don't hear him doing not that much anymore. You don't need to hear of it. I did a show, though, isn't like probably nine months ago at flapper and then they're, like hey like my show that you might have Damon Wayans, does the spot next clue. An I go now and he came in just a spot before you know, right after me, oh yeah, yeah, but before you that guy does long sets like he used to show up at the comedy store and like at the height of his fame. Here we go up until eight hundred and forty minutes out of nowhere. He was doing like he was really doing a workout set like a real workout set, and it was really funny like it wasn't like fully polished bits yet, but it was real
funny. Now he fox around a lot. He takes a lot of chances yeah. It's funny man. He I used to see him a lot when I was coming up at the comedy store in the 90s and he would come by and do those long sets- and this is like, like I said at the height of his stardom, but I think the sitcom moral lured, him away, man 'cause. That was crazy money because he had that was that last sitcom that he did that ran for like a while. It ran for a while wife and kids or something that ran for awhile, but nobody gave a fuck on it now I'm going to the people of watching it might have given a fuck about it, but in comparison to like what he's capable of with a standard snow comparison he's monster, he could have been one of the all time greats. I really do believe that I really do believe that Thank you, could've been like Chappelle. I think it could have been right out there with all those guys lure is strong when your magic with his quote was. I am going into that stupid, stupid money, and you know it's, it's fucking hard man yeah they get.
Lowered into that or who knows, maybe just decided, that's what he wanted to do. Maybe the idea of doing Stan all time wasn't appealing to me a man in the moon yeah, but it's just. I I see a guy like down. I go wow, that's kind of crazy kiss he's like easily one of the all times during the day during the day. Back in the day and then you see him now and just never hear about him anymore, never hear about him like doing like state them somewhere. They said I mean, I don't know if this is true, but I remember hearing multiple talks say that Eddie Murphy, when he stop doing stand up was saying that, like I don't want to even have to compete with Damon Waynes, but I heard people say that that's what Eddie Murphy thought of DES Moines, so he was like it is the funniest guy when he was so good to. I remember seeing him knights of the calmest of like fifty people on the alliance's core, rushing in and be inspired. Thank
Fox has good national. Like it's overused term. He just naturally funny guy right. Like he's a guy, I feel like that. Could just kind of talk about anything well, he works at it. For sure I mean it's hard to say naturally funny when the guys doing sets all the time. True true, you know, we all know that that's the way it everything is polished up, but yeah. I heard that I don't know if this is true, so probably shouldn't be saying it, but I had heard that he had installed a stage in his house come on yeah a stage like installed like a little mini comedy club in his house like to fuck around in practice, really yeah that sounds great it, it does sound crazy, but WHI is that crazy, but as someone installing a music studio in their house isn't crazy, it's true. I get because I think the idea that you need like pretty much strangers, get your comedy show you know like you need an audience for a studio. Where do your It doesn't matter where it's located like. Are you just going to have people
rsvp to my house this weekend, man. Well, maybe he would practice in front of nobody he. He would have his family sit down, listen, move right now, yeah, for a nobody's kind of a weird thing. Right, like I've heard people tell me a lot of times. I've heard people go I'm trying to get into stand up like what should I do in I'm going well stage like I do it a lot and where do you do it like at home in front of the mirror and do it there, like I idea. You need a renewed and audience man. I record. Did all my ideas like as stand up it's before I ever did am I had like a tape recorder on those little press buttons and you record, but it was you know when I I never even did stand up yet. So it was my idea of what stand up should sound like with my: where are those tapes I'd love? the whole
are there. It was awful, I'm sure, but I only did it like before I did stand up once I got. Did my first open mic night I stopped doing it. Do you record ideas still into your like your phone a record ideas, but more often that it's a record bring up my do recording, but I talk into the voice thing. I talked into this you know you have the voice note or the notes app. You know you could talk to it. No, oh dude check this out, see this little button right here, yeah Tom Cigar is a bad mother. Fucker bam! Oh that's! In notes have fun, have ever done that, but it's amazing. So my car. If I'm my car and I have an idea, I leave, recorded, which I'll sometimes do or
I will just say the note and it'll type it out for you, but there's some there's some stuff. That's lost in, like writing things down, as opposed to like yeah, So did you isolate whey, said: okay, Joe Rogan, just tell me how this shit works. Then amazing, it's so accurate, now, yeah! Now what advice would you give Bill Cosby now? If you could tell him, this is what you need you know I will di di through out. If I was him, I would do borse my wife, wink wink, give all my money and then I will go to a deposition. I'd lied when Adam three, our cigars. I have me some wine and maybe other Queluz, and I would just go off because I don't believe that he was raping. I think he was in relationship with all of them and then he's like you know what
seventy eight it don't work. No more. I can't get it up with any of y'all by beaches and how they're like oh, really rape, because I mean forty years relationships, forty years. Listen, how big is his penis, that it give you amnesia for four, well. No no pain is some. Women did come out previously dominated day, go ahead previously and come out and give their stories, and we didn't hear is a couple of 'em right. That did you know decades of a couple of days. You go so yeah, but he never was charged with anything right. If you listen to them how they go world the first time it's the first time, but how many times did it happen? Just listen to what they're saying and some of them really is unbreakable. When you look at look at him and go one day yeah and Charlie gets up and laughing. He stops. It get outta here
No, but I understand the dynamics of younger days now. You can tell that but like cartoons, but I understand the dynamic of people saying well. Why were you alone with him or why were you in that room or why did you go upstairs with? and then people people look at you in a certain way and you're like man. Maybe I should have done that. Maybe that's my fault. I understand thing. I've lived it. Women will throw themselves at you. They want. You know they just want to be in your presence there. Some that innocently will come up there, but not forty something women they're. Not that naive, he talked about in nineteen what sixty five he just walked in someone's dressing room and put his penis in their mouth, but then people are also looking at bill. Cosby
persona that he has it like a mentor. I'm gonna help you to career, I'm some of them on the Cosby Show and we come into his dressing. You know because we did wrong the store criticizing in black yeah and then he lost us here is a we're not supporting him, and they see that opening, and so now you know what attack of the killer but did do from seven have been he shows the loan yeah that that's very true. You said, because Woody Allen making seven haven't social still on tv. I thought they hold that I don't know if it was going on, because that record, you know what is that. They got pulled a while ago. I thought yeah. Is that true, when I remember when the second guy he columns right. He actually, omitted that he raped young girls right, he admitted that he had sexually molested young girls. Let's see seventh Heaven cancelled well,
I thought they even stopped airing the the reruns, I'm pretty sure. Seventh, Heaven was canceled, yeah yeah yeah, that's canceled yeah, but that guys not in jail right, don't know! I don't know. Steven Collins is his name. Let's it Stephen Collins, but thank God. Yeah confesses sexual abuse, but it's December yeah. The last news of this was from over a year ago, wow! So just that's it. He got divorced his divorce. This is the last piece of news. Is that he got divorced, his divorce settled in his confession tape, wasn't that a part of the divorce like the like why he got caught was at his wife. He recorded it
or did it. She outed him because she was divorcing him. But who knows why she didn't? I hope she, you know. I hope she felt like he was a piece of shit and I was part of the reasons why she did it settlement five thousand and fifty split. As we previously reported. The pot is worth around fourteen million dollars that I had fourteen million. What the hell man imagine the poor woman living with some guys, fucking little kids, god dammit yeah like? I should be? It says the tape, made him unemployable and therefore he should be socked with a big spousal support tab, but they worked it out down to who got the front gosh period right just in jail, but this Cosby thing Damon, Waynes attitude about. It is very strange,
I don't agree with them at all? Now I mean he. What he said. Also what he said about Cosby criticizing young black man, that's fucking! Absolutely the truth. He shut his fucking mouth about that, but he should show fucking mouth about that, not because he was raping women just because it's it's not your fucking business like who swears or who doesn't swear you're denying the artistic integrity of like Richard Pryor or Dave Chappelle, or any of these guys who swear, I think he's also making a commentary about that. Cosby was doing it too young black men in so so, because that was a big thing for him in, like the last the last fifty twenty or even wrote a book with another guy, but he was like. You know that famous you pull you pay put somebody you have these ridiculous
James gave like nine nine at Town Hall Speech, and he went to a really impoverished areas. He's like these names that you guys are. These are real names like right to kill it yeah like someone. What's his contact should yeah, so we started to do that. People were like well, here's a a uber rich, do coming in telling us how to live our life, telling us where everything wrong. He lost a lot of fans with that. I don't he's definitely got a point with that yeah. But then, when the with the the other thing with the woman had point about, how Cosby had that mentor role exactly yeah you would, he would have people and say he's going to help their career. That's what they all said. Could you imagine, though, if you were a young girl like some eighteen year old girl and Bill Cosby Who is you know fifty or sixty at the time, whatever the hell he was, it brings you into his dressing room, it's going to help your career and then slips a fuckin' quaalude into your drink, and you passed out and you wake up with your panties off and cosbys jizz.
Dripping down your asshole and like what he probably so confused and so horrifying, and you know no one is going to believe you too. That's by the way. The whole thing about, like I've, heard a lot. Will bring up the the time between something happening in the accusation: very common with sexual assault to wait long periods of time, people feel shame and they they feel like. No one will believe them. They don't know what to do. It's. It's really calm. It's not unusual at all! Well, that's the case with all Ray Bryant right. Yes, since a goals, the second sex crimes times! Don't go reported, not it yeah. The idea that they're on Ray,
that season threat so he's trying to be funny. Yes, try to refine. That means we see that it was only like it once you've gone sure the kill bill, but at the but being just the back looking at it a disco I had. I just don't believe this. I think it's a money. How would you say is true. My social media, which allowed us on social media and social media, is what really reignited. Definitely back of them. I was handed over to. I wonder how he feels being to do did destroyed bill. He should be if, if Bill Cosby dies resolved with us a three the murder but I always get it out yet, although I will tell you this weekend, I think for them to make jokes like that. That's something that was kind of like well known. You know people heard that about bill I remember when I was really young. My mom told me that she knew somebody that Bill Cosby had drugged, and she told me that when I was a little kid, she brought that back up
but there is a story that floated around that's a bad thing, but his thing I know Crosby, every single fifth of the fifty women, but I do believe that there's some there may be in for them. My heart goes. To them by the who sure- and I hope you like it just this- you are the look. He gave me two pills and awake. He He wasn't a doctor when they got about eight gave them to him and like that was the drug of choice. Like mollies is drug of choice. Now you know, like people do that, to get in the mood you know I just I don't. I can't one told him yet the yeah I'm drawing but once the joy of sleeping you know banging somebody who's asleep,
got any help. People people have done at the date rape, drugs at dinner, popular thing, you know, that's just silly I wouldn't want to be him. I know because you know the thing is he you know I watch his show an. I don't think he it's premature in terms of his success right now, they're putting him out there, because you know the guy who I had the advantage, because being he was starting prime time, you know me so hopefully maybe he'll get it. You know who the catch it, but I don't feel it right now and I you know I wouldn't want to be someone to take down my hero. I think we need heroes and I think that we need to be more supportive until we know for sure for sure, because a no charges against him, you know innocent till proven guilty,
that is not the Social Media Ltd and they don't ever back they never retract what they say. They just put that on you. You know, that's a that's a heavy one Have you ever had a thing? I think the bigger thing here. Never this the game. I mean anything and you know anything could happen a woman could be like. I told him. No, my drugs. No, I never had a baby boom going. You never. I mean like black man to give them. Probably you know yeah like another bill like Bill really have to rape women. Here I that's what I'm saying the thing is people I think they they struggle with two with this whole, because the story is that, like what he said hero, he was a hero to so many people that that's that's the part that they because they can't write their head around. This was like, if you here is a piece of shit, though don't you want to do here? Oh yeah, but I think
it's so beat in like the thing is so deep in their mind. They don't want to believe that the heroes, a piece of shit there's a problem also that there's people that are really bad people that do good things as well right, there's people that are inconsistent. I mean they do great things like you might be a great comic, but also best, yeah yeah might be really drugging women and raping them as well as being really funny. That might be his demon because, like I'm, Every comic has some sort of a demon, whether it's anger demon or a drug demon or a violence, demon or a gambling demon or whatever the fuck, the demon is his demon, might very well be he likes to drug people. Nice to have that ultimate power, and you know there's other another knock on bill. Cosby is always been that he's a massive, elitist or he believes he's much better than everybody else. That has always been the knock on him and to the point where casino, where
He wanted people to tuck him in bed at night. He wanted security guard to tuck him in bed like literally really yep yep. He likes to be talked in bed. He wanted people to sit down and why? watch him. They wanted all the staff that was working in the theater to watch him eat, curry. This is not something that I'm the only one who's heard this too. I've read this online too, that he, he likes the people that work there to sit down with him while he eats and they don't talk to him. You were sick level venue where they told you that, yes, that he sits down there, he needs, and they all sit around and watch me and he wants them to do like he did, the God complex whatever it is whatever craziness that allowed him to be that guy. That openly criticize people even see that time when Wanda Sykes you'd him, some cook, some
Show or something like that, and just eased yeah it on her english yeah. You always sunglasses indoors, and he had that arrogance about him right, that's same kind of arrogance. It would make you feel like you're, better than other people to the point where you could just drug them. Especially some young girl- that you might think it's still Did you get his drug are like this is silly bich back at my place, thinks she's not going with the policy to Bill Cosby a plank plank here, drink this. It was like cappuccino. Keep you awake, yeah! Well, I mean how ironic, given him cappuccino with Fuckin' quaaludes, This is SAM and then that you know I keep hearing people they keep saying. What's it like what fun is it The somebody that's asleep, it's because that's what he likes yeah he raping people that are asleep. It's not about hooking up 'cause your fame. That's a crazy thing to say, because what fun is it, rape, someone who's resisting right,
that that doesn't happen every courses. What I'm saying Well Husby Likes is he likes, raping pass out people right last season? How ridiculous is the art? Anyone saying that right right, let's so short side, I know it is what what fun did Robin people yeah, don't you want to get your own money yeah course does. The same thing is it is it's the same? It's a success. It's such a shame, right sided thing to say it's it's the type of thing that someone says when the not talking to really intelligent, objective people right on a regular basis, right, formulating these opinions based on real, extensive thinking. You know, and the idea that all of them are lying seems kind of crazy yeah. It just seems kind, of course, it's great crime. I mean this isn't like this. Isn't something small, this isn't like a guy I who you know Bill Cosby stand up. But it's the state of my wife, kids too. Now this is like some deep, deep, dark, demonic, shed and then they're going to blame, like the have the blame beyond Hannibal, like it's,
read it so stupid. Also them saying that Hannibal got that show just because that handle was a hot already hot, which is why, which is why people were coming to see his show in a theater theater show yeah. While he was talking about Bill Cosby Course. So this is not a small thing in Hannibal's argument was about bill, Cosby always shifts on Both are using bad language which is function true? It was the whole thing we were talking about it, like he's lecturing exact black, big Zach Lee Ann handles like well Lou, somehow fuckin' rapist, but that fucking phone down Tommy flip it over. I see what you're doing I see what you get I shot my computer for you. Thank you. I just don't want. I don't want to influence you in anyway. Thank you. It's it's hard right, it's kind of hard! I think that the guy is a sick. That's what I think I think undeniably he's a sick fuck, how sick of a fuc he is how evil he is, the only people that know are him and the people that he did that through it's the best profile ever
for somebody that wants to do that. Yesterday, the you take away what you know. Of him as a performer? in the celebrity, just imagine somebody that wants to do that and then they build a reputation of being someone. You can trust impeccable impeccable I mean he had the best reputation However, you know it's like when you eat like have the Sandusky guy, the coach yeah that had a charity that was for kids. And then he was like I'm taking care of these kids that are, you know, left behind in them, and then he was raping those K. But people that were p even knew him that we're on the board of that were like he's the best guy. You know It's like that is apparently very common. One of the things that evil people will do is they'll start a charity and then like really harp on that charity? Let's talk about that charity all the time, so an
become almost beyond reproach, because the fact that doing such good work right, like one of the things Lance Armstrong used always bring up is how much money he was generating for cancer research course. We're trying to we've generated all this money for instead of saying, except instead of saying, like a no. I didn't I'm not doing There was no one doing steroids, which he did say a few times yeah, or he would like immediately go to that thing about like like what how much money we're making with live. Strong. It was people's defense for all the time yeah when I criticize on this show lit up by people. This was before he could and they were like ever feel that at like his whole thing, I've never failed the test and you realize the amount of money being funneled into cancer. Research like that excuses. It's all fuckedup Jeff Novitzky, on the guy who busted him and after he was on Lance contact. Me
have a conversation with him on the phone and lance yeah he may or may not do the podcasts. He wants to tell his story. I think, if I look at his point of view, I think He was in a sport where everybody was doing drugs right and I think, there's when you have these ideals like what you're trying to do as a competitor, and then you get to the big leagues- and you realize, like you, is that FL locker room when you find out why people are three hundred and fifty pounds of solid muscle like Oh, I get it like. I have a buddy who played going to say what college paid for, but he played college for um. He played football. Is a big dude and he played with a bunch of guys were in the NFL. Now he had some injuries and stop stopped playing he said that when he got to college, he goes there was this attitude
that you only have a few years. You have a couple years to make an impression, and he said the fuckin' sophistication of the drug use that I saw it when he was in college and a big big time college Football team yeah he was, it was crazy. He was it was crazy and it was widespread and it was from the top down. Everybody knew what the fuck was going on and there was an established protocol and they would tell you hey, buddy, you're, going to get tested on Friday. So on Friday come in and you know you have to take your test and he said when he would get tested they would say: ok, here's your cop, you know, so, go in there. Do you urine sample and then come out and bring it to me. There was no one there. While he did it, no one watched they didn't add a rubber dick that Intel had a guy in there waiting for him to straighten it for him. He goes. I could've had my cousin picea, nothing for me, people would in bags, and they would take that bag and strap. To their body, so keep it body temperature and then put it.
Your clothes and then get into the bathroom and you open up that bag and pour the contents into the the thing sure so you'd have someone else's Pisse. They give you all the time in the world to do it. He goes and everybody everybody everybody was doing steroids Everybody he was the orange is doing steroids. They would do an ep. Oh they're, doing all these drugs to maximize your endurance that we're doing all these recovery drugs they were doing goes. They were doing everything. Everybody is doing everything I believe it I believe it too, and I think that's what happened with Lance Armstrong. I think I got in into cycling. Yeah you got to the highest level of the sport, and you got to the pros and he's Oh shit, this is all about taking your own blood out, put it back in your butt. This is about doing EPL is about doing testosterone. This is about doing whatever the fuck you can do to recover, so you can compete and then The US postal Service, okay, which is the guys who are promoting his event right he's? Where he's the cyclist for the postal team, so now
he's getting sued for not just the money that they paid him for winning, because you have to sign I can send you on drugs, but because he was working for the government face he's defrauded the government, so the you taking to sue you for three times the damages Jesus, so there soon for a hundred million dollars right now, yeah, it's pretty well the thing about. I think what he did to and like that, why the perception is, you know different for it, for Lance particular. Is that the the light was shy, brighter. Because of how successful he was and then the way that he would defend himself. He was fucking vicious about it. We need people to sue people and then take them down publicly like he was destroying. People ability to work? Make money or their families. So he was. He was cold fuckin'. What about defending himself made him basically like a bigger dick throughout the whole thing. So not just a cheater, but a guy. That was really.
If I can an asshole to everybody, That's why I want to hear story yeah. I want to hear how he views it, and I also want to hear what it was like to be. The focus of attention for a fucking dirty industry means that business? Did you watch the documentary yeah? I did. What was it like talking to him interesting how long gsr for awhile yeah and we talked for a while on the phone I haven't- met him in person. I was in austin- was going to invite him to my show, but I'm like probably better just talk to him. When I see him if, if and when Sam just talked he considering doing this idea he reached out to me wow yeah. I think listen you're not going to get a platform like this, where you going to reach. Names of people and you can talk for three hours and I'm going to let you say anything you want and I'm going to I'm going to. I want. I want him to express himself as openly as an look it's, on the table. Now they sue the shut out of him. Then you have a fuckload of money from him. They took away his ability, make a living in here a guy that was the poster boy for this sport
I mean if it wasn't for him who gives a fuck about cycling, you got Greg Lemond and you got Lance Armstrong and that's it I don't know anybody else. Do you know cycles recycles. I know Tony HAWK, you anybody else at skateboards right who skateboard, I'm sure there's other guys, but that's the guy. That's the big name brand. I you know I mean there's a lot of sports that have that like women's fighting, everybody knows who Rhonda Rowsey, there's a million other women fighters. Everybody knows who Rhonda Rowsey is. It is so big. So big now that, like I, was in a house in a hotel on fight night, when she fought last and like just dudes that you know are not fans, women's athletics were all I mean they will all I just it is just to tell you how like how much he's changed. Things like they were like walking. Looking talking like the Bell Hop Where is the rowsey fight on? I gotta, go find the right like. I feel like that's how it swung. Like she's changed were like these fucking.
Total misogynist. Dick pigs were still like. I need to find that Rousey fight. Why would you assume it is because they do that their massages Dick pig? I just I'm gonna, ask WH 'cause your guy yeah. I just looked at them and I was like these guys are pigs for sure if they like sports and they workout their pigs. There are these guys were pics. These guys didn't workout yeah. Did you see what Beyonc did beyond did the central park concert, it was free concert and Dana White came up to me Saturday night after the fights and he pulls over his Iphone. He goes watch this not to flip now he has Iphone now a commuter iphone 'cause he's under some investigation, so they have to be able to publish it because it is they're getting sued as much it going on anyway. He shows me this video on his Iphone, an and Beyonc has a free concert in central Park, an on this giant screens flocking enormous one hundred foot screen she
is all Rhonda Rowsey's words playing out like the script of it. While RON is talking, RON is talked about. Not being a do, bich she's, like every muscle in my body, has a functional purpose right, just saying I'm not some do nothing bich sitting around waiting for some millionaire to come home and fuck me and which like to like check that hustle yeah checks out hustled that is like they like yeah but yeah, but to all those do nothing pitches out there. That hey, I mean I mean I want to work. I want like I'm trying to get lucrative ain't trying to hustle that hard. How lucrative are you willing to get 'cause? I get lucrative? Well, I got pretty lucrative. That's amazing! That's amazing! Is that a shirt next week look great, I'm trying to get lucrative right now. I'd say I retweeted Ian Edwards his you know he's up here in this weekend at the punchline. By the way, if you're in Sacramento he's one
funniest funny. He wrote me after I, his work deck thanks. Man look at we're both laughing about it on the plane. We could slow said it. Hello could have do you get because I could put a little. Could I get if you look lucrative, here When I was in Montreal. I think I told you this. I did a show every night an hour show every night right. So I would just ask I ask Tony to come by and like just do an opening set. You know right dude in fuqing floored the place he's a monster. Yeah. He floored it and he's only doing that now I mean he's doing some writing, but it's really concentrating on that to see that's and that's how you get really good. We had a conversation about a man. I I I told him I said dude. I think you one of the best God Damn comics in the world. I think you are the best comic on the planet. Earth and people know about.
Yeah. I go with the difference between your skill level, your ability and what people now is so vast yeah, and it's because when writing so much, writing always sit coms and he's good at last. Yes, very good at that, but he's best at stand up. Yeah stand up and he's a monster any such a like a unique original voice. Yeah well. That no one reminds me of him like he's really a unique talent and he's such a good dude yeah I've been friends with him for like twenty four years. Twenty three years he's got that fucking non age. Black. I think where I'm like. What do you want? Tell me how old is well yeah, and then you go to like I was in New York at a club. I forget where I, which club was in, and he had a fun headshot on there that looked twenty five years old and he had reds and it looks like how old is this man? How old is he he's a vampire sleeps upside down yeah. Let me see how old is will find out. I'm really not right. Now, I'm going to wake up
The that, as private on their end, it says, he's only forty three it says he's born February, 11th, nineteen, two hundred and forty three? Ok, that's blue. Shed and less. He was fifteen when I met him now, yeah Fasulye in hard area, but he might that might be true. He won't tell you, though, if you ask him, he won't tell you the stripper that we talked to. She wouldn't tell us either I go how old you I go, I'm forty eight! How old are you Dallas come on lady, a lady never tells her age. Should my jelly doing a twenty yeah, exactly yeah so old, can't believe, I'm honestly man I get now I don't ever knock it. Sir. I used to not get sorry that much train your beard Sunday, sorry, sir, will be with you in a minute, sir yeah. Alright, you gotta fucking werewolf.
Anyone with a gas grill beard like Sir, your sir yeah for sure absolutely you're going. Man Tommy Burns, your man about to make a baby Well, you made a baby I'm about to have a baby couple months away. How's, it feel excited man yeah. I think it's part of the reason is that I think it's because I didn't have a baby at twenty five. You know. So it's like something that waited. We waited obviously and then Stella feel more like financially stable and we actually ready for it. So much perfect. It's a perfect time. I hear people go like is it? Are you terrified, I'm like no, that's people that don't want any commitment their life. Yeah, I'm not terrified at all, I probably have girlfriends all right yeah. I guess I never thought about it, but I'm like no. I'm excited for him, not terrified this I can't imagine anybody living other than the way they live right. You know when you get that from all I hear people go. Are you ready for your life to be over? Who said that you just
Saddam off. They. They are yeah right life to be over. Did what's equally annoying now and I gotta say I really found this very annoying. When I was single and I didn't have kids, it really bugged the shit out of me that would tell me that you have to have kids in order to be like a mature adult like when. Are you going to settle down and have kids when you're going to? When are you going to like guys but I knew that had kids that were full. Looking miserable and by the way. Every the one who told me this to a man. Everyone is divorced. Yeah every single one. Every single one that told me to get married and have children is fuqing divorced, yeah every one of am I mean like seven hundred and eighty nine guys yeah I've. I've never believed that. Certainly never measured Ammonius telling people, to live their lives. The way you're living your life when it only way you know it's like everybody's got a ways. A lot of people are weird man, some people they just want, like. I have my friend, Steve Maxwell. He doesn't have
place to live. He just travels. He goes from town to town he's a really famous. As far as that world strengthen coach and I like a personal trainer, goes all over the world. It's like you will you'll see his instagram he's in Fiji. Sometimes just people training people put together these little small seminars, the small groups, people who meet them every week like they'll, say, Like you know, they have some things set up weather like Ten people meet. You know in this one play and he's going to coach them for, like five or six days so have like a get away. He put these together. And then gyms will have him come in and he'll teach seminars at their gyms and he just lives out of a bag that couldn't live like that. But he can write, but I would never lecture that guy, wouldn't I wouldn't like it, but he can do it sure Tom Rhodes, for the is Tom Rose, has a fucking apartment now, in LOS Angeles, he does yes. When did he get? It decided really. Recently he said I'm done. I'm done I'm going to stay here at the store
where he was a hang around the story. You know that secret comics bar that little comics yeah yeah yeah yeah, Phone comics are allowed to go there and hang out there and comics friends. He was hanging around back there he's like dude. I got apt, I called watt. Yeah. How long will you a renegade for you goes like ten years for ten years he came to my place. Last year and didn't have it so now it's gotta be recent yeah. He was staying those places he was staying at hotels, he's a great he's, great guy, a great dude yeah. He also is one of those guys that that's a he's a world traveling comic. You know he's got for one we call in next weekend has done that kind of thing forever forever. Forever. Yeah I mean he's been doing stand for twenty five years. At least and add those twenty five years he's been touring around the world for fifteen yeah at least yeah ITALY. He is to have a show in HOLLAND. Yes, where was the late night? it was a late night shows like a big time, show yeah and it
is the something something showing some other guys name Tom Rhodes is like the like say if you like, instead of The Tom Segura shows, like the Jamie Vernon, show starring Tom Segura, it was real, weird yeah and- and he was that I heard of that, you know he was like their Letterman yeah. He was done. He did that for quite awhile. Yeah he's a, but he's he's decided now he wants to live in yeah and his wife for awhile too yeah. He travels with his one great yeah, she's great yeah. He that mean he enjoyed that life. You can live anywhere. You want, and you know, I think, his mother's arms in time. Every he's got their own thing, man for some people having a kid, is the worst fucking idea on the planet, I get that. I totally understand that yeah. I think those are the people that are you out of your mind, but there's a weird thing: man, when people like this dude, when you going to settle down now, you need to have a kid need.
Woah woah, woah, woah woah unit. Listen, it's easy for you to say you know, you're, not a man to have a kid. You know you're, not you're, not mature. You know you're not like. I think it's really obnoxious and gross to assume that everyone would want that. Even at any point that, like I think, that's totally legit that somebody is fifty six thousand and seventy years old Had kids in his totally fulfilled and happy absolutely. Why? Wouldn't they be you tell me, you can't contribute unless you make another human being yeah this silly, that's silly! I mean what is your contribution life. Your contribution in life is how you affect other people, whether you influence them in a positive way with the you is they think about you with love. They think about you with happiness, the people that you've interacted with personally yeah. He You know that's what you Agassi is yeah and if you're a guy who thinks that having a kid is the end, I'll be all, but then your kid turns out to be up
Did you do dummy you ruined your kid? Was your contribution, your contribution, fucked it up and you had one big project and he fucked it up. Yep you're sitting there drawing dicks no that's an old drawing, but it's yours yeah, this really cool thing at our old yeah. That's true, but we were talking about the world's biggest dick, so you had to draw inspired. You felt compelled are going to keep doing that once you have its timing, the I think drawn decks. I thought, but I'll just have all them trails in any influence. Your kid by drawn decks, I'm gonna have a real, tough time with being mature. I feel like you know, I don't think you have to be yeah well at I'll, be very. We already have a system in place. We were trying to do burps R1 thumbs up. Butt farts are two thumbs up, because farts are freaking awesome like whenever anyone farts around the kid or I'm going to go to. Thank you and your wife just rip him in front of each other, yeah sure.
But my belches have been getting stronger through better now you're working on it yeah, I think so I don't know I don't know more probiotics yeah. I just. I just feel that I can feel like I'm having them come up from the diaphragm now and they're just more powerful you always fargen funny girlfriends, not right away, but yeah. Actually, although usually way how many dates and it's awhile, I I mean I make sure I'm I'm in there and get in there pretty often, and then I do it. I don't make sure you them yeah yeah a while yeah yeah yeah, and it's like this is a regular thing. Hey come, you know, but dare tell you, but the first time a fart in front of her. No, this is bold. This is bold man. We would date. For a little while, probably like I don't know five six months or something in a matter of places a Saturday morning. I still remember I'm watching college football and I think she was making breakfast or something and then Life is great life from sitting on a couch yeah. I sitting on her Wearing boxers watching tv and she comes- and she sat next to me-
I felt the fart coming and I grabbed her arm. I took her hand, I put it between my legs and I farted on her hand. So the first fart ever- and I just remember her going like. Oh my god and she goes. It smells like garbage that smells like garbage. She kept saying that she was like what the fuck and later like now totally do you realize how crazy that was? And I was like yeah. I didn't realize it at the time and she was if I was who I am now. I would have fun, cut you off right then, and there like that? Really she says that, like she's like clearly, I was not in a good place to stay with a guy. That far did on my hand, but it was funny right. It was really funny. So why would she not? I think she just I mean I think she was joking right in that way, but she was just like like for a first for it to be. On someone's hand, does pretty that those worked out yeah. Well, you knew she was the one. I knew. I knew that That was essentially my proposal. When did she fart in front of you? First immediately afterwards
actually don't remember her first one, but I'm getting a lot of him now. It's made up for it. So she's been ripping some pregnancy farts where I can powerful man does that bum you out now. Never because the thing is like I'm, not somebody. That's ever that has ever been like. Oh fart, like it just doesn't, doesn't have that effect. She, the first girl that ever fart in front of you and no god no so you just subtract that kind of gal I mean, like I've, been with girls that didn't obviously but yeah. No. By dated you for awhile, you fart, so no, when you date girls for a while. How do you know when it's time to unleash the hounds I mean with every time it is it's different. You gotta feel it out, but it's like. I think it's, it's Are you still in the like I'm trying to make an impression phase more if you settled into like you know who you are, who you are yeah that hard right do not far from your wife if she accidentally walks in after I far I claim it yeah,
fireworks She has more than once let's say it's not bad. She won't like like grab. Ankles they go here we go boom. I didn't really have not just really obnoxious but like if you're laying in bed tonight and your whatever winding down. You feel a fart come, do you get up and try to light you do you kind of let it sneak out, and I only fart in front of my friends like that. So what would you do, though? Would you leave? the room, yeah most or hold it in wow, really common courtesy, is ridiculous. To tell me, but I mean it's: just people don't want to smell their husbands farts I know, but I guess, if I thought in any way would keep it from blowing me yeah. Then then yeah well, I guess yeah. I hear you get it that way Yeah because I'll hold my starts I'll hold my farts during sex. Do you sure yeah? That good
Sometimes post coitally they come out. A friend of mine was a cameraman cameraman on? men on a tv show that was on but he'd? Also some camera work on porn when he was starting out to make money I said: there's this one guys like this big bulky, bodybuilder guy, who just would rip them it's disgusting. Far toys Falcons, Griles Falcon was him because he just ate a lot of protein yeah yeah and he was just farts on load these farts, these poor girls, and they look. They have to work yeah because, like that, when I guess, when your guy and your porn and he was just big muscular black guy. I guess first of all, there's this thing where it's not a matter of whether or not you're going to have sex yeah. These girls are getting paid to have sex with you on camera, it's not whether or not they're going to want to do certain sexy things they're going to like it or not like that's out the window. Now it's you
to come, I'm going to come in your face. You gotta come in their face to put in your ass, like we to work this out, it's in the contract and put in your ask we're going mouth I'm going to come in your face. You suck my balls, a jerk off your hair looks all worked out so, like your smile afterwards to know like there's, there's like there is no romance to atone right, yeah, there's, no there's! No! Specially! Now, well, definitely, no intimacy whatever you're doing you're doing in front of a gang of people right, there's a boom mic hanging over the bed. Camera man there's up craft. Service table that you been hitting up, and I guess he's like I don't have to impress anybody, I'm just going to fart. That's right! That's during sex is my line. I would have never done that. Never done that man. So I'm gonna have a problem. I have a friend that also was a camera guy for Porn and not anymore, but he told me like he's like I go, oh looks like
the grossest thing he goes. The grossest thing by far are the smells. It is like you know. You're like I would come like underneath and be like. Position under a guy's ass, ball slap in a for that shot and he's like just all their smells. I'm just like just inhale and then so they get get get another side of that you go back down there like the worst part. Is that just smell and stuff, okay gotcha, tremendous wonder what happens if someone has a yeast infection and it's just stinks, do they just have to man up I think they probably go until someone's like I'm going to puke or or like the guys like it won't get hard. If I'm spelling this, you know God So that's a smell that that yeast infection smell is nature's alarm signal. It is yeah.
Let's talk about. I know your favorite topic, Ohio, State, Virginia tech kicking off, but it's talking about college football game you talking because jamies here to be had he's like he's all excited and then on the internet, my no it's it's just exciting. That's all! What do you what's excited about? me, I still do about it. I feel the same way about college football that do about fights impossible. I really didn't make sense. Why 'cause I get paid to talk about fights, huge guy on ESPN? You have never seen that enough. Would you do that? They are offered you that gig one hundred percent really yeah. We have to get it. I'm I feel like I could do The round table stuff right now I couldn't do like the comment. Could you like, with Dennis Miller, used to do we'd come in? You know, that's why from Iraq, that's the that's horrible and I hate that role. I like a two man
commentating booth, for for football, like your play about your color guy common, you know I like that setup of like somebody's telling you what's happening, and You know the analyst, the, once you really get into it, and you see a really good analyst in football. Really appreciate what the they're highlighting things for you. It's like we do with like when you explain what just happened right? The lay person just goes like that, guys, good or like he fucked him up. You know when you explain how it happens right. I love that in, like I think, Kirk Herbstreit, who is it Ohio State Guy, is the best at it MIKE Is you saw a basically a pass thrown and a touchdown great pass, but he explains that this guy, the defense, hey how the coverage broke down. What the quarterback saw. How developed I love. I love that aspect.
So you love the strategic aspect of setting up the plays and seeing how something works yeah. I love that and I just love the environment like college football, the most. Why do you like college? The most I don't know man. I think it's because I, like you, know like the tradition. I like the rivalries, they feel more genuine. They feel like there's genuine hatred, teams yeah they were hundred year, one hundred year old programs are. These are if at a football team since, like you know, things like one thousand, eight hundred and ninety eight shipped, like that. You know where, like it's been there that long, it's just there's just a passion about it. I don't know I just I love being around it. I love seeing the games, that's crazy. You've always been like this. This is something you've always been excited about college football or is because something was a kid yeah the. What gets me about college? versus pro. Is that, like you have to follow all these young students that are, football right? You have to know who they are.
But I mean like if you're going to be like a super fan of the game. Yeah I mean every year, they're they're. Turning over all that that that's true yeah, I have like three years, possibly a four years MAX yeah and then they're they're gone and you have new guys and it could you know, and that- and I can tell like my level of because times, there's there's certain years or uh a certain number of years or have a more laid back fandom, Do it for like. I don't really know you know like the details like, but you know a bunch of people yeah. I will but, like I think this year, I've been super busy. You know I didn't pay as much. And definitely to like recruiting classes and stuff that that I pay attention to before You know what why and my college over like NFL, you know I mean I like it, the stuff that I talked about like the the
the passion stuff. I love. I love. I feel like it's more, it's more genuine. I feel like it's more. There really are like there's a real passion for the game. Part of it is because, I think, a lot of those kids- are trying to make it to the NFL out for your right eye. Yeah they're killing themselves to make it you know like I said the rivalries feel like they feel more. More authentically just genuine and real. I realize you know State Michigan, Florida State Miami Georgia Florida like those kinds of games, are just like UCLA. Now I guess the v c, USC or USC. Stanford so you root for your college team that you went to school and at my school is a fucking, tiny d to school. I just there's just programs that you grew up watching. You know that you just kind of grass so alien to me, really yeah. It's find me, I don't know what it is man I just I love. I love it. I love the I love the environment, you know I love it. I
we're talking about like the NFL and like this Tom Brady thing? Just It won't stop talking about deflate gate. Really fucking got some legs and went never stopped. Now he's been acquitted, they dizzy drop the charges. They charge the federal judge throughout this, expansion, basically decided that the commissioner couldn't punish him in the way that he did. One other words he just, he just ruled that you don't have the right to do that. In this case, huh they can do that. They just decide that you don't have the right to suspend somebody. I guess I guess I mean I've, never seen a really go this far before what looked look like I mean I'm sure someone's going to explain it better. And I can but, like the commissioner said, you know your suspend four games. You guys are finding this and that for your party for this accusing you of which is the deflating? The footballs right
and then he appealed and then they went back and forth, and then this federal judge is going to rule whether or not the suspension could be upheld or thrown out rule that it was like that the commissioner didn't have the do that yeah, even though he's suspended a lot of other people before for a lot of other things and there's been I've never seen it out like that before Now, how does it work because they they also took away their draft picks right, yes like and find them like a good amount of money, so they have to pay that money back. That's what I don't know. I think they're trying to get people were like what are we gonna get a draft pick back? Are we going to get? the money back like all those things I think are still up in the air, but didn't that guy destroy his phone, he did. He did. To destroy one of his phones yeah. So they said that one of the big things is that, like it, doesn't prove that He didn't. Do anything wrong or they didn't do, what he's being accused of all that the that the
Jim is saying is that you can't send him for these four games that you what's the benefit of having a a softer ball quit it's about preference thing. You know like some quarter like every quarterback is different. You know and like the a slightly deflated ball. Has it an easier grip? Some people argue no. They don't like it. Super because it's really hard and sometimes it's a harder grip. So a slightly. Slightly deflated ball. You know these it's like any sport like got. You know, basketball guy might like his fresh sneakers and make sure you know you see the guys that put the power and it's just like a a personal preference thing, so so guys like it that full grip and some guys like it slightly deflated what a massive distraction for people, though oh yeah, how many people over the last year have been talking about. Football. Unbelievable I've never heard a single thing since corked bats. Remember the cork bats Contra!
she during the oh yeah sure, but guys Would drill holes in their baton put cork in the center of their bat, because Apparently it gives more spring to the ball and you get more distance out of home runs yeah. That's Last time I remember, then being like. I remember who it was. There was some famous player who are broke a bat and then the the bat cork in it yeah I mean everybody was like sure, reach outrageous yeah, I know part of it obviously is because he's you know, he's Tom Brady, so it's nothing! The the it's like going back to the land. Thing like you know everyone's watching him there that they just won the super bowl. There he's the guy he's and some yeah he's Gerry DO is also a model on a wire. Do you know how much money is wife is made? I've read a lot of different stats, but apparently it's nothing short of two hundred and fifty million dollars four hundred million dollars. He apparently is made one hundred and fifty million dollars and she has made four hundred million dollars modeling from
Looking pretty yeah for being yeah, that's it. I don't have any idea what she sounds like when she talks. She is kind of a deeper the guy yeah allow older man sakes and one in the same money. She has the will to these acts. Wow yeah, but I mean stay, think about that. You can make that much money as a supermodel yeah. That's more Bo Jackson ever made his entire career yeah. It's really crazy. Four hundred million bucks damn and he's he's talking of the greatest quarterbacks of all time, right, yeah without a doubt without it out, he can't even come close to that. It's not even it's, not if If that's the real figure, it's not even close quarterbacks man, that's a tough gig, because Those dudes are all running at you. Trying to smash you yeah, they say paint Manning can't feel his fingers. Yeah can't feel his fingertips and he's been told a lot of times that
It's never coming back yeah and had that neck injury where they were like you're, never coming back and that's how much he loves playing that he you know thought through. What they do for his neck. They did, Regina King, should that, should I had done on my knee? Had a crazy surgery done and then surgery yeah, he had surgery for sure, so they probably trimmed back the disk you know they're doing now, man they're, giving people stem cell shots really oh dude. One of my shoulder did you. Thing by the way when your kids were born, where you like that, yes, you did that right, yeah yeah Bank, the Ambio TIC apparently there's a better way to do that now. I think they percent and now for that too yeah they used to use the the cord. But now I believe percent. I gave us a whole kit and they were supposed to bring yeah yeah yeah. Looking Do it 'cause? I think, there's another more affective way, really yeah the the stem cells, though, that you they get from the placenta. It's really fascinating stuff man, there
Taking these, I guess it's amniotic. I just have the word and now they take the stem cells, swim from placenta and they're. Shooting him in the athletes and it's amazing comes out of this. It comes out of this tube. Where is it slick, nitrogens in it so smoke coming out of it 'cause it's frozen before they injected in you. It's really freaky like this, Space age shed one shot and they shoot it in you within a week with week. My shoulder felt amazing. Really, five weeks in I keep waiting for it to hurt like doing all this work, now I'm doing rows and chinups and keep waiting for it to fuck with me, and it hasn't been fun. Mermaid tails good back need all. This is good man. That's awesome, I'm gonna start shooting stem cell, shared everywhere, yeah, anything anytime, anything shoot it in there. It's fucking see what's up they're going to have in a few years. They're going to have these places where you're going to be able to go and they're going to put young blood in your body,
going to happen is the next thing, because they've done studies have shown with mice that when they, take young blood like the mice, the young, the blood of young mice and they put in the blood of old mice the mice their memory improves their athletic improves their body starts, moving like a young mouse and then when they take the blood of of mice and they put it in young mice, Young mice become old and tired, really know wow fucking, freaky kind of amazing someone. Probably someone We doing that right now, dude in China guaranteed they probably have a bunch of fuckin' prisoners, hooked up to machines. There sucking blood out of them like the matrix and just pumping him right into their athletes. Yeah there are, going to what they're doing these things called mile myostatin inhibitors Myostatin is what regulates your muscle size doing that on chinese athletes, allegedly towards on that fuck. They go crazy. Look when you have a billion people. Yeah just like was planning
hey bro, that's our number one resources humans, yeah, yes, Parament see how lucrative we can get get local right. Now I gotta move. Repeat: go pee will wrap this up. Ok, we've already done three hours, publish your fucking animal the bonds, ten Netflix Special you just you just recorded one. When is it airing it's coming on January, it's coming out in January and then the last one which is hilarious, completely normal it's on Netflix. Now it's on Netflix right now go take a peek, you fellow you could see Tommy Buns podcast. It's called your mom's house with his love and talented wife, Christina Paczynski, you can catch, for me on Twitter, it's Tom, Segura or on Instagram it's a Gora Tom 'cause. I guess there's some other Segura Tom Segura character out there uhm he's fucking awesome. If he's coming here, town go see, him check his website, all that jazz. All that stuff is available on his instagram and his facebook and his.
Twitter. That's it all right, Fox who, be back tomorrow, so tomorrow I'll see you then until then be nice to each other. You fucking savages by alright, you freaks. Thank you so much. Thank you. Everybody for two the podcast and thank you to our awesome sponsors. Thank you too much you can square space go to square space. Com use the promo call Joanne, save yourself, ten percent, you fucking freaks, oh yeah, We thanks. All so. Two nature box, Nature Box, Yum snacks with sucking no guilt and no shitty stuff fun for full snacks. Ingredients that you can trust, go to each dot com, Rogan and
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Transcript generated on 2019-11-05.