« The Joe Rogan Experience

PODCAST #161 - Bert Kreischer, Brian Redban

2011-11-29 | 🔗
Bert Kreischer, Brian Redban - Date: 11/28/2001
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
oh sweetness the joe rogan experience podcast is brought to you the flashlight if you go to joe rogan dot net click on the link for the flashlight and entering the code name rogan you will get fifteen percent off the number one sex toy for men i have used it are is yesterday bert kreischer can neither confirm nor deny but i did have a and in miami that seemed close to it i don't know what that is called sex and it can i'm the same guy to look at what your camp really yeah and then there's the lips you got a lips were yeah which is not cool you have to some dude looking back you look more inducers loose it was a dues less so it does to me and it does look like a check slips with is a little chick anyway right at least a vagina you can guess yeah i say i vote for i think they have one form of it where it's like anonymous it's neither butt hole nora vagina is just sort of a whole which is probably the best move
yeah it's just a whole another script no ones logan at it getting turned on by this little circle of fake vaginas it's like a whole like you're in thailand on vacation so i'm talking about dogs code name rogan code get fifteen percent get fifteen percent off trying to shorten these things drag on forever brought to you by on it dot com n n i t makers of alpha brain today is what is today's date is that this is a twenty eight is cyber monday so if you if you're hearing this november twenty eighth and if you go to on a dot com and enter in the code name cyber dan and you get twenty five percent off just for today today's cyber my you ever heard of cyber monday trying i tried to buy then try to buy a zoom h2o that's a tablet player yeah yeah and i tried to buy it on cyber monday because apparently black friday last black friday my dad should his pants in a banana republic he shit his pants
with his pants in a banana republic what happened when i was buying a jacket this leather jacket and he wanted a sweater and all the sudden he comes up he's got my daughters in his hands and he goes buddy buddy we're about to have problem is what's it matter anyways i'm about to shit my pants what do i wear in beverly hills what do i do what do i know i said i think you just shit your pants your fucking sixty years old you just get your pants 'cause i gotta go any walked out my god it's pants in beverly hills hotel how far is the walk pretty woman hotel we're on the banana republic in beverly hills and he walked with a pretty woman hotel with shit his pants and then got up seems like there was a bad that hasn't ever along time did his uh where contain this shit outta drive down his leg i have no idea but when he was in his 30s he used to shit his pants with the fuckin time my dad on the reg like it was
the reg e shit i had a nickel for every time this before so this is too good of a story to use up during this commercial come on we're in a commercial we're going to tell him and you play the music and then i need to hear about your old man shit himself i really do need to hear this but we need get this out of the way or people go fucking crazy so anyway today cyber monday we're going to get right back to your old man shit in the pants storages people been complaining so much about the lengthy commercials and i agree that's why i'm continuing to get out right now if you go to joerogan dot net and click on the link everyday you get ten percent off it click on the link for alpha brain you get ten percent off if you enter in the code name rogan and today and only today is the twenty five percent sale we also have a new product called new mood and new mood is a 5h tp supplement it's also got l tryptophan which your body slowly converts that's what i want the building blocks i would think you and i was in the army some want to chat up his stuff five eighty be in of itself
as we say in all of these products there's one hundred percent money back guarantee if you return i don't even have to return it you just eat it you don't like it get you get your money back and if you think that too expensive in your sit in the tropics please look it up online there's plenty of great articles and great pieces written on the tropics and if you want just to steal our in our ingredient list and make your own and save some money okay but if you want to buy from us good on a dot com in an i t and today you get twenty five percent off with the code word cyber all right you dirty bitches bird crisis in the house the fucking machine has returned by day by night year in our long drawn out commercials that i do to sponsor this podcast to keep it free lease and gentlemen otherwise unbearable if we couldn't make money from this fucker byrd chrysler was telling what i smell
well might be one of the great stories no dad no he used to shit his pants another time all the time how long would you said the story began with you saying that shit his pants in a banana republic in beverly hills and it was it was like really was like like the real coming of age part of my life and my dad looked at me and he was like volume about the issue my pants what do i do we use the worst part because we probably have a bathroom here's the fucking horse part of it right so i look at it when i go just shit your pants that i think shit your pants and go your pants a little bit walk as far as you can and get to your hotel and he just left my daughters with me like fucking drop them with my parents i'm fucking outta here and so we started walking down rodeo or whatever burton one of those rose to get to his hotel right so my mom comes up and she's like she's like where's your day
and i said well he left me this sweater i gotta buy it for i bought into buying them the sweater and i go here and he shit his pants because many of the shit his pants i go and she had a shit so he should his pants and then he just he's walking on the street i go i'm sure we can catch him he's walking slow and then my wife comes up she goes where should i go eat his pants while we just use the bathroom i said where's bathroom she goes downstairs mental i probably should've told him that and so what is the best megabit i don't know i was in panic mode it was black friday and i'm waiting in line two and i got a leather jacket on sale but it's even worse i think if you shit your pants in line for the bathroom 'cause then everybody is going to know if there's a big kind of people you just his dump in your pants then you like coast prox there's no way to playoff shitting your pain when you shit your pants i say that shitting your pants is a lot like getting a dui you roll the dice so much and get away with it that when you do get caught with your cookies are you like mother fucker would never thought that was going to happen are you kidding me i should
back at the y time why today so so but in his 30s he was running curtains and he used to shit his pants all the not even like i'm not even saying like i'm not even saying like oh you once a month i'm talking once a week he would this is before cell phones too he was in his 30s using the 30s i was i was a kid we were living in in like n tampa and not like the nicer n tampa but in the shittier redneck verse black n tampa and the first time i heard the n word was in this neighborhood but my dad used to run marathons so we'd run like five miles ten miles and go out and all these ten mile runs he shit his pants so we go into these orange groves shit himself right clean himself the best you could and then run home but there were some nights i remember these
inkley was before cell phones where it get dark my mom's like we gotta go look for your dad and we'd be driving his route where he'd run all of a sudden like a naked happy with my dad would come out of the fucking orange groves like i'm here get me in the car right now if he i hope come get him he just yeah it would be remember thunder and lightning and he's just sitting in orange grove naked like how did his pants and and we'd be like over here and he'd be like brightening just hop in the front seat go home let's go like real quick shit his pants he hates my stories i hope someone if anyone is listening this knows my dad let him to this because every fucking story i ever tell he fucking noise goes god damn your fucking imagination not i would thought i did not shit my pants i shit a little bit i didn't shit my you're making people doing shit my pants he just squirts he's a little squirter i don't know let's call him on the phone do it let's get my dad won't see this is a perfect example my dad later at night and a human beings we were telling store
this week in about like like one time a one time one morning i thought i was try to town my little sister was ten i was probably twenty one i was drinking a lot at the time so you know party animal shit and then i was pissing a lot of places that like in the round house is like a pistol my ex girlfriend's dining room table and was walked in by your dad do you wanna talk about a fucking nightmare watt waiting waiting waiting waiting where you pissed on the dime in room table over in meadow and her dad walked in and caught her dad larry meddock in orlando larry if you're listening i i'm guilty
i so here's okay because i never really accepted blame for it always said it never fucking happened because it because i didn't want it because i didn't want okay why did you do it was thanksgiving was right after the rolling stone magazine came out and so and i go back to party what do you mean the rolling stone magazine with the number the really stunning one thousand nine hundred and ninety seven called me the number one party in him in the country just for someone who doesn't know and then that was a big deal i became famous in time became famous in tampa the tampa tallahassee gainesville orlando anywhere that i had people with four went to florida state lived i was they knew i was there like a party guy so shots really we'd any do people put drugs in my hand like it was king insane i get roof roofied i got roof a couple times so you became like a celebrity party overnight i became the guy that i'd walk after the before protocol was just allowed fun shirtless on top of the bar getting everyone in a frenzy and then
in the article came out it was like the fuckin lineman would come to the bar i drank at ya knees and they pulled me aside and they're like you drink with us tonight we want to drink with the party animal and then i just be up with these in like four lineman and would be just doing shots shots shots and these guys are three hundred and fifty pounds i got two two hundred and eighteen at the time probably like right through two hundred and eighteen and probably more like two hundred and twenty five but but and so i became like like i say famous i say like reality show like the way snooki first season was you know so that's how you were in your town in your in tallahassee if i went right after that article came out in tallahassee definitely orlando i knew forty percent of our new i was in tampa everyone knew i well that's back when people actually read magazines before we got shows before the internet for the internet is big for its were in this so like you i was on oprah called and wanted
be on show but one of my parents to be onto and mom is lying to my fucking parents so i did everything i did like fucking they sent you ready for this this is how bizarre this a perry period got they sent espn sent a tour bus with two actors in it to come shoot a commercial of partying with me of what it's like to party with the number one party animal for the x games right they wanted to like and one of the actors was johnny knoxville fucking bizarre is shit so johnny knoxville we meet and he says you draw and i was like i was like in my head i'm like yeah i'm gonna do it let's do it so i'm going to the store beside verdon pills like pills and so he like pores i can always say no it's not the end little stronger probably like p tapia i'm probably the he just for some time some titles whatever was the pores of my hand and so i think someone like finger one hold down and he me too and i pop one and then he starts passing above so you're being calculated about it i was like i don't know the fuck i'm taking
but again i haven't started drinking i mean like i'm just like what the fuck and then like someone might not guide i have a fucking overdose around that guy yes but this is before jackass right this is they were just great this is like five hundred and ten years before jacket those are wilding and johnny knoxville's passing pills around and he's like in a bong and wouldn't bong hits and you gotta be careful that videos he's put in videos of bam margera trying to break a bottle over his head and he's like watch this now we're laughing art it's off this is well before anyone knows what the fuck this is and then i look at the other guy i forget the other guys name but i go what was that and he's like delighted you never deleted did you get pharmaceutical heroin it's awesome you're going to love it and i was like thank god i only took one jesus christ that's like they used to give chicks in the wild west movies
when they had an issue and i have seen some delaudid there's a little delaudid yeah yeah so we end up partying all night we take this tour bus out fill it out dresses women throw us all down the stairs this is women fucking just took one of the craziest night some over that drinking beer bottles over our heads like it was the craziest fucking night of my they cut oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so there were no they were they were fake breakaway beer bottles but we were like but we had seen bam do it and we thought it was funny so we were doing it with these fake break way but we're dealing with a real bottle bam and i think those bandits posse but it was the c k y possi they were trying to break a beer bottle over their head how did that happen that that became my god genre of entertainment like that jackass watch dude do fucked up things and get hurt well what happened
i have no idea i don't know but i've made a living doing it started it started off with like charlie chaplin falling down the stairs are cheating his wife like the buster keaton like physical comedy like i didn't see jackass three but i laughed my ass off at the fucking trailer i just bunch of movies that i just haven't gotten around to seeing and that's one of 'em but when that guy walks in the door in the giant hand fucking clobbers him in the face and he goes i'm sorry that's a layer it's a great is fucking hilarious great i it's funnier than
i'm thirty nine years old with two kids and it still makes me laugh my did it is like an advanced version of like that charlie chaplin shit right so yeah that's exactly what it is and here's another thing is it's guys it's buddies it's they're all in it together there are dealers retard shit yeah plane went johnny knoxville put a fucking blindfold on and stood in front of the bull he's out of his fucking time and this is after he's already a movie star yeah and he doesn't need to do it and it was one upping them so they had to do it and you're just like this kind of stuff he was doing movies with the rock and yet he would put a blindfold on a stand in front of a fucking real a real boost terrifying the way he got launched easily could a horn could have guns to him i got mauled by a bowl and i'll tell you right now yeah i got my bible and hurt bert it was yeah this is before you riding it no no no was a rodeo clown they just go they just taught me how to put the makeup and they're like alright you ready i go hold on i'm learn anything and they're like oh stay away from the bowl and i was like that's it and then they pulled the pin that you hear that where the gate open
and uh real fucking bowl comes out like a real bowl comes and i just we just met in my rib cage and he broke my ribs and broke my foot oh my god yeah and then then the producer tim scott says you see tim's car with a little bit of venom in your voice and i love the guy but this cock sucker says to me that was really good that's really good footage we're going to do it we do it like two more times and wax hold on you or fuck fine after you got your rib broken broken ribs and a broken foot and i'm sitting on the ground wind knocked out and he's like well it's only like eight seconds of footage like whoa he goes we need it to be a segment and segments three and slash two minutes and we can make a footage eighty eight seconds i mean if you watch it online it's they just re because i didn't wouldn't do it again and they just replay it over and over and that's pretty uncreative of him that you couldn't come up with some sort of a way to fill that time where you would talk over it and describe what
we were not realize it was terrible idea it was yeah that's we ended up i can't believe that he was so irresponsible to ask you to do it again that's tim scott for me while we willing to do it the first place i love timmy still a friend of mine but because i was i don't know tim i don't know it was sounds like a douche bag now he's in the film kids right now he's not listening to me this is good so number i'm sure he's a nice guy but to ask you to do that after it was broke a rib in your foot is crazy it was also is like a i don't we talk talk about this a couple times it was like a new discovery of of their this is me get more by the ball right here that's the bull right that's not a baby bowl at all and that's me now if you're on the clock you're probably looking at like right now it's four seconds and they're cutting this up to make it look longer this is exactly how quick it took just the bull comes and they go all right this is the the food and then right now i'm trying to run but my foot's broken so i can't stand on it oh my god don't like you got hit by a truck yeah i got hit by a fucking truck
it backed out just a little bit just the impact it play for a second it will start yeah just good hopefully replace itself i mean it it will replay it yeah back up a little bit more brian so we could see the impact oh my god this is the first shot of the day this is we haven't shot anything right now all we've done is stop me put on makeup how much is that thing way it's going to be eight hundred pounds that's it fucking i don't know i don't know i guess i don't think that's going to be and i think that's a lot bigger than that oh my god that thing nailed you it hits me square i've never that's solid by anything i said in the clip i got him with the baseball bat i've been hit by cars i've been hit like in a car accident but man when that bull its whole head connected with my whole and we met where my mike was right now this is after this is i'm not fucking doing it again look up pretty face you're skinny i was oh my god do they show it like oh my god look at that impact i know holy
getting your lucky the thing that stump on your head wait watch watch you can see where it breaks my foot it doesn't look like those look watch it right here you go down my leg and stepped on my foot that's the hoofprint was god just get this pull away from maine so that speak with a slur for the rest of my life and have a half price on the side of my head guys playing football we got more cushioning in your face it's filtered from your beer did you got jacked you are you are at where you should have been really well for a first time how many times these guys went head professor this guy can he we got an address either either and he was he was caught like old stitches broken bones when a we're crazy we make a live
yeah i don't know how he's ok sweetie i'm going to bring it back to where we started so so that is my connection with jackass and then i did it show very similar to it for six episodes we did six episodes but i met johnny knoxville after the rolling stones stuff the rolling stones stuff was crazy when that came out it was like being famous cut back to
how i pissed on my girlfriends table yes so thank you so that was unwinding that was not that was like untangling a necklace so so we go out in orlando this is right after thanksgiving when everyone's home so everyone i know from orlando's at every bar all unlike church street i think is the name of the street and so we go out and it's fucking chaos with my girlfriend her sister and her sister's boyfriend who is the coolest fucking guy any always have weed so we go out and everyone's buying me shots were getting fucking hammered her parents had just bought a house just bought this brand new house just like and it was their dream house we have thanksgiving together we held hands talked about how at the table how this is everything we've worked for guys as a team we saved we script anyway we go back to her house and i'm like i'm not fucking done like i want to keep going in this guide and he's like oh yeah me too so we get a twelve pack of beer and we wanted the dock and that's all i remember danny then the neck
only counts everything to me 'cause i might she walks in the first thing in the morning did you piss on my dining room table and i'm like no why would i fucking do that i'm a grown man i don't piss on tables you like my dad said he caught you pissing on our table make your dad is crazy he doesn't like me
from the party animal and he's trying to get me out of your life that's what's fucking going on and you get outta fuckin rumor going out shit i'm the party animal i'm struck sure i'm sure in those at the party who the fuck you're talking to right now he wants me out of your life i'm not number one party in another country but something to yeah i'm sure i actually use those words you probably had a t shirt of explaining it did you ever think about getting on the party animal tattooed anywhere in your body i was thinking about getting a squirrel with a beer can in a cigarette that said the party for a long time without this girl who's gonna fucking question that tend to so we tell me what your tend to about it if i pulled you over world far is the carpet i pulled you over and you had a party squirrel tattoo on immediately take you to jail i'm like i know this guy did something fucked up in the last couple of months you just gotta get it out of him we just going to sit down and go you know what you did just tell me you know what you did just tell me will get outta here early will get you a nice quick sentence just tell me what happened so
you're talking about ok so she party squirrel get back in your fucking crazy she goes out to the breakfast table where family is oh my god how much piss we talking about here in my head it didn't happen in your head didn't happen you didn't blacked out fucking i swear you want my children right now i'll in the bed rolled over i want to fuck black women then how do you know your home we didn't fucking tell you down the river maybe he pissed on the table and then said that you did it that's why he woke you up in the morning he knew you blacked out and then i blame you for pissing on the table that was going through my head right now is i rollback over and i go fuck there maybe you can get out of here but maybe maybe that would be called shitting but yeah maybe now we call a brian train wreck pong
some kind of regular cigarette over there no it's got we didn't alright so quickly so danny the boyfriend comes in and he like comes in his eyes are like so excited he goes her deepest on their table and i'm like no why is everyone fucking saying that he's like 'cause her dad walked in on you pissing on the table and i said he's fucking minute man he is pretty set in that he saw you pissing on their dining room table and i go danny i remember fucking anything he goes he goes well we got these years went to their documents now yes and he was like i had a joint and i go ok i remember that and he's like and then you ate the joint and i was like i don't remember that he goes yeah i said hold this and you ate it and laughed and then we killed all the beers out there and i go fuck we did he was like yeah and then you start piecing back like little things i go do we get stuck in a phone booth and he's like no we got locked in their food cabinet like in their in their food closet like pantry
pantry is we're eating in the kitchen and the and this i start remember i go yeah so that the girlfriend come out the girlfriends coming new is a sliding door so we eating in the girlfriends came the sisters and they go you're fucking making a ton of noise so me and went into the pantry and shut the door but then we couldn't figure out how to open it because there wasn't a handle you guys were hammered and you a pantry pantry they shoved you in the pantry to quiet you down we shoved ourselves into the pantry so that we can continue eating we're like we're going to bed they left we went to the pantry shut the door and i remember sitting in the pantry do remember this distinctly is us being in the pantry thinking we're in a phone both laughing how hard are they had this food in this phone booth and when i keep leave this phone booth has fucking doritos in it so then that's so then he said to me he goes them and he's really adamant so he i lay back down i'm like i can't believe i'm being framed for this shit
all of a sudden i start you ever have one of those we used to remember the dream you had last night and i distinctly remember seeing her dad and his underwear in my dream what why i'm like i'm like wait i did have a dream about her dad in his underwear that's odd and then i was like but he was in here yelling at me is not a dream you had sex with an old man no what happened was in this and then i start going oh shit this totally did happen i woke up in the middle the night walked out to their dining room table erect and tried to go to the bathroom you know you kind of try to lean it down so i'm on been making a ton of noise after dining room table pissed on their dining room table full blown pissed on their dining remember this now now i'm remembering i'm like oh shit i fucking do remember for being erect i remember i just remember trying to pee you know how when you have one of those nights were like in the bathroom and you like i can't get a likely in the forward forward so i'm leaning forward over the dining room table trying to piss making a tunnel knocking everything off of it he comes out in his tighty
i remember that because she came back in and i go to your dad wear tighty whitey's and she goes he does why don't never mind and you can't dreamed i like no one wears also anyway i dream about heidi white 20s let's say two thousand six hundred and twenty five so here's the apart he yells at me and he goes where the fuck what the fuck are you doing and i said i'm going to bed and he said where is your bed and i and i pointed the dining room table i go right here and he goes what so i david blaine the tablecloth pull it lay on the bed on the on top of the table as it actually pissed him in my own piss in my job is the man cave full of piss just late curtain myself up on the next go back to sleep and he gets me up and walked me into my bed and puts me back in my bed and i'm like what a nice guy we it gets with our relation was fucking doomed like there was no up that he's a nice guy he's a really nice larry medic is a saint because
that happened one of my daughter's in my household feet fucking kids ass so i would you really man now do it like that again though i would beat the fucking kids how do i set my passion invoice have you ever considered acting maybe i pee all the time when i'm really wasted like if i black out like drunk night i'll wake up and think like oh i have to pee right now and i always like put on a shirt next morning like why is this smell like here and i did it again yeah i've done i went so i do it all the time when i drink hi so when you drink a lot you'll pass the ban i think i get confused i wake up yeah my i think i can hear cases a light like a what yeah really john people in case yeah it's actually fairly common yeah it it's it's it happens maybe twice a year buy it it's still happen now for it any ever does not like that ninety eight he never did so much profit that sound like something right up any bravo yeah you don't have you had any used to have these blackouts that was so bad i had to write a story about it i wrote up
log entry called drug getting i think i read that it was at about when you guys were in roman he missed his flight to germany germany yeah i why didn't mrs flight he took my my car to the airport he was so hammered and he woke up in the backseat of the car didn't know anything i will i gotta go downstairs like where's there's a car supposed to be taking the airport for rogan they go rogan already left and i know what because yeah a long hair tattoos like motherfucker sidecar heading on joe rogan the airports like an hour and a half away he's only five minutes away from it by the time a column on the car is already there and i'm like what happen man what are you doing he said i don't know i woke up in the back of this car to be fair he was wearing joes close he was wearing an outfit that looked resembled made really it was just a party time and i just got got hammered yeah some dudes man they just they they just can actually forget what happened yeah i definitely blacked out i don't drink like that anymore i haven't i have not had an episode like that
in a really long time like in years like you know when i stop doing or just the last few days like four days i stop drinking caffeine did not it all up dude i've never done that ever like mostly cut it out but my god love coffee i like the smell of it i like the ritual of it i i make french press coffee so i grind the beans and i put know water you know you i use clean filtered water and i you know and i get to see these kona coffee beans whole why it's delicious taste good but you know it's you you get the spikes and then the crash is that the really up thing and the last couple of days i've had no caffeine like the last five six days and there's no crash it's weird it's like you just you crave anything else do you like it fine yourself like eating tons of chocolate no but i want to drink the coffee like and it's not that i need it it's that it's a ritual it's in it's etched in my mind like you know all
barnes and noble buying a magazine let me just get a cup of coffee go say i gotta take a shit that you didn't take a shit barnes and noble has some of the worst it's ever you walk into that bathroom if you have to pee god bless you well some coffee shits but to be with yeah just eaten those fucking cookies and drinking coffee i can't i can't here's my problem coffee here's why i want to cut it cut it out because i had my first cup and i feel really good right then i go let's have a nice car let's have another cop so i have my other cop and then i'm like man i'm fucking tweaking i need to write you need to get something done let's fold laundry and then and then i have my third cup and now my eyes are twitching and i'm like i don't feel so good i want to i want to take a xanax i got a bad like on like why can't i just find a happy middle round yeah it's good if you want to get something done like it's good i i um i debated back and forth whether or not to have one right before the podcast is like it's always gonna be charged up when you do the podcast but i was like no
what happens because i've been doing this for the past like like i said i guess it's probably in about five or six days now a little alcohol the only alcohol i'm learning myself to like one drink one glass of wine maybe two at the most but that's it i read this thing recently about drinking about like going out and getting fucked up and how bad it is on your muscle your your your body's ability to recover and then it takes you three weeks to get back to one hundred percent three weeks man you could be twenty four hours ago back is shit that it does like when you get severely dehydrated from really getting hammered and really really hungover there's also an effect on cerebral spinal fluid that takes two weeks to recover from so there's like all these different things different processes that happened when your body gets severely dehydrated ants of really fucked up from alcohol and there's like this rebuilding process it's like you know it takes a long time and if you're can hit it hard all the time you really for giving yourself a chance to recover that's why you know people at prematurely aged
you know and i started feeling recently that like like i've never taken time away from from coffee i've never taken time away alcohol you know i've always done whatever i wanted to do it for a couple of years i have a couple of years we wanted to drink wine i drink i never thought about i never tried to limit myself so this is a psychological pulled is a problem is like you start thinking about it and psychologically you could see how people get addicted to things because cycle logically when you resist something i wanna diet once for a little while i tried to atkins diet just for a diet yeah it's good except you cut something out of your life like pasta do that is shit you're going to crave in such a rabid way might never want cookies but on atkins i want to cook exactly it's easy to eat clean if you decide to eat clean but if you got some crazy law like views and rules now you know you're following those you're not just eating clean you know you're following those specific rules all the things that
from there the things you start craving yeah it's a second i quit drinking i go that's when all the beer commercials look awesome yeah like man i can't i can't ever quit i can't ever quit for good that's why i need to reel it in every now and then you know all right i need to be in control of everything it would be a fucking alcoholic don't want some lush who who you see on stage and only does it slurs were words and lays down on the stage yeah and alcohol commercial a beer commercial that's all we really need is just that little push like what it is is you're already thinking about getting drunk that alcohol commercial like people say that targets children and it looks like what a great party yeah sorta you know who are really targets are really targets guys who aren't partying yeah i think about you i have that beer may be broke up the blast now i'm only fifty yeah i got another shot in me man that i've seen some fucking old guys are some young girl i'll give me man that today start thinking things like that but it's such a
natural feelings normal so normal part of being a monkey so my dad is going through going through like dad's is ready get some young pussy he wouldn't even i don't know bring around the podcast see what's up he was out there this all half a million people on this podcast there's a girl that did with sixty five year old never know his pants on girls like that i know a girl that likes that i'll get her own urine and no no no i did i was the he had a above blood infection almost died what legs couple couple like a week ago two weeks we can now you got that charity pussy cumming usc how you doing i like what you work is that sympathy pussy here come old shit is really in his fucking head about fucking almost over and then you start then it got into my head nose like wow man i'm thirty nine like this parties come and you're healthy dude enjoy the moment that's the most important thing but take care of your vehicle the real proud alcohol is alcohol kills your vehicle you know the marijuana look at some point in the home when you're in your car thing for your world the body
is a vehicle brian redband the body the human body the problem is alcohol is fun as fuck you know there's the very few things like that are as fun as just a good night out when you're drunk with a bunch of fun friends and you're all laughing crack up in the end the night you go eat somewhere stupid eat some greasy meat conco action with cheese and gravy and you and you take your fat stupid ass to bed you know those nights fun man this desert some some brilliant nights but god damn sunday morning suck a bag don't they they sucked that feeling of hungover as you're headed to the airport and you can't drink enough water vegas once i think the biggest ones are the worse yeah because so you get outside of those casinos and there's no longer oxygen pumping every is that a myth the there no they actually do that and there's no clocks in any casino that's true but you don't have a watch a stupid phone
because if my watch is my iphone and they scramble all the iphones so none of the phones work so you have no phone shit do you believe that you believe they scramble the fuck yeah i do i don't believe that they scramble at one hundred percent but i believe that as soon as i walk in there i'll go from three to bars to no service back and fourth yeah that goes back and forth almost like they're they're making your phones cut off so that just say your wife why honey honey i'm by the tables i'll call you in an hour you know it's it's a good thing for that money away and they set those places up like you get lossed in uh oh yeah all the carpets fucking views and yeah and is a maze yeah realize who you're going through all those machines they're not set up with some sort orderly way that's easy to see if your base now there's a god damn maze it's like the the base of the shining as x get you in there and hopefully
everything out of you suck the money out of you either through your balls there's hookers and those mazes or suck the money out through the machine we had a hooker one time in vegas not had a hooker but we had a hooker proposition me and my buddy eddie and and she was the one of the hottest chicks i've ever seen in my life and my buddy eddie was like how much and she was like one thousand three hundred dollars i can't uh because i'm a 'cause i'm trying to drive home tonight this is good for driving yeah it's just a cigarette so i go wow my feet feel like they're glued into the space we is good for driving this is this is the makes you think you're not even driving anymore yeah and driving here on the what you call it i was like the i was video game it's called a highway son who's the stone one yeah was is that
you know driving in on that what you might call it a little note in that new fangled hard surface the earth is using it i think i put the alcohol in all those new mind yeah a new monkees at our transport themselves in a much more rapid way hard service with whatever whatever anyway point being part carolina fucks my driving up i could never i could never drive by really how can you do what did you do why don't drive that i'll be here for a few hours i um i'm pretty sober by the time i actually but i did you get to hide a lot of things new comedy do sugar stop your buzz but also you know three to realize i have a high tolerance yeah yeah when looking alike at my last year of college i was smoking a lot of weed and i could i could smoke all night long to be fine but i now if i if i took like a hit i definitely feel it especially i think we was different back then too we
good for you where chrysler let me tell you something don't listen to maine don't follow my advice because it's faulty i have you know it's a lot of trial and error and i've made quite a few hours i'm not saying i'm right about everything but i'm about this we'd my friend look i'm not right about every we we need my friend is good for you and what you are afraid of with weed is what we all need we all need a little humility we all need to be terrified by the matrix we all need a view of the great beyond and with weed gives you is a terrifying feeling of of your mortality it gives you a feeling of insecurity a feeling of what you call paranoia but because what it is is you've drug dropped all the blinders all around you and you realize how ridiculous is proposition as period there is no way around the fact that it's ridiculous we are in fact just one part of a universe it's above our head with there's no there's there's no actual ending to any of it and just goes and a part of it and we're floating in it and we're only here for a little bit
and we don't know what we're doing and everybody knows as much as you do and you anything i mean there's people who know more facts they know more about the laws of physics they know more about but the purpose of it all or where it ends or what's for what what is there a meaning to this is this just device to move entropy forward is this is a device for what are what other humans what is this life no one knows not a fucking one no one that's why you need marijuana township here's marijuana let you know later that's what a beer commercials now dude this we need marijuana commercials it's not bad for it's just bad for pharmaceutical companies yeah those fuck heads we mean supposed be america land of the free home of the brave you're locking people up for a plant that makes you silly is nothing fucking for your brave about that that's bitch moves right that's a bitch move that's the only person who would lock you up for weed you know if you had if you had to create your own society if it was burt world and you
you know there's one hundred people and you claim that you were the king of burt world and you got this how much are the laws could you if you said no pot would be like fuck you bert yeah that allow pot yeah one hundred people and make it figureheads i think we all need to live like they live in afghanistan man just warlords warlords residing over small pieces of land do you think a warlord i don't know i'd work for one maybe that's better you don't want to be the guy in front you figure head you know you don't want bush you rather be dick cheney the warlord in your in your opinion what i would do is i would unity i would teach the warlord jujitsu or something i think you know with lord blacksmith and i always want to learn how to make one of those samurai swords where they fold the blade over over and over again take a trade that's what i would what what i'm saying is that i think we really would be better off if we if we don't have any government at all it should be very local but just a small group yeah and
what's on the federal comes in is when the groups are arguing the federal comes and goes do to relax we're all here to temporarily keep together hundreds of people not not million so what i do in a in a war lord prime what do you what do you you'd fit in awards you would dominate per chrysler we talking about you would be the life of the party i'd be the life of the party i'll be the guy by the fire lighting the fire first put it out at the end of the night like going i don't know why i'm all the sudden in a fuckin village with i'm sure we saw at makes for an awesome story yeah that's why conan the barbarian barbarian was always cool i would make saddles when i was thirteen years old when i became addicted to conan the barbarian but yes the robert e howard books really no i know there their books brilliant brilliant so we've talked about him a few times so conan was a man of much words like what would they do they just write with a lot of like narative oh that's not not not really true in the books he would he talked really but the adventures were so fucking deep it was all about this guy named robert e howard what's that guy's name that's on
he was in he was in full metal jacket he played pyle in full metal jacket all another trading wait vincent d'onofrio vincent d'onofrio thank you very much vincent d'onofrio played this guy robert e howard in a movie about his life 'cause robert e howard was this like really eccentric eccentric character who wrote all these fantastic novels a fantasy but like live with his mother and his 30s and shot himself killed himself but he was responsible for conan the barbarian kroll the and all these different fantasy books this dude wrote they were fucking awesome dude when you're thirteen it's a thirteen year old boys version of twilight and it's like they're just these fantastic fucking stories you know sorcerers and fucking sword aids and demons and it's just awesome shit man that's
and you read the i never read schaller dude those were the books my rent that was then this is now if you are watching i i always make sure this one lake or the route the model not mouse that rather my motorcycle ralph you never got in the comic bookstores and on a roof over my life really what about you brian you got in the car yeah yeah i actually just read the walking dead and i read the whole my god and then i started watching it i just watched the first episode oh fucking goals the comic almost exactly look at the timelines a little little switched around but it's so amazing how well they did so good that's the only show i'm watching these days the only fiction showing watching really yeah walking dead get into everything but why i still like breaking bad next time i go to get him when i'm getting my tattoo finished i'm going to go back and watch the rest of breaking bad i think you're going to get a break
my shoulder braid that everybody know i'm down a fucking party i saw some new dude some new white rap dude on tv last night last night i was up late at night watching the pac man fight i had it on dvr hand wash yet juan manuel dario was a really good one bro see that's the reason it keeps put in these bombs out there 'cause every now and then this one out of the park one mile marker they had this awesome fighting and i still haven't watched it so i was up watching it and what the hell are we talking about was the point now pac man knows before pac man breaking bad tattoo you're getting your tattoos he only shows you watch god damn it i completely forgot i was talking about can someone tweet this real quick
and tell us that we're talking about we smoke too much pot folks it helps and it hurts it's there and yet it's not was ethereal i apologize it's probably my fault how is it your fault because it brought up indefinitely through threw us off the fuck yeah but it was working blaming it was worth doing you are the one on the fuckin nina the pinta and the santa maria colon look guys a whale and columbus is like huh it was something i was watching on tv that's what i was talking about oh this new way oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah some guy is got a song i don't know who he is i don't know but he was with that birdman guy didn't many do you know who birdman guy is the guy from the fresh i don't mean any fresh from hot boys yes yeah yeah and apparently guys like the number one guy in the car game note that means like he always has the
russia's car right yeah it's about his cars are i seem like articles about him and dub magazine i should use all the money from juvie he gets like a million dollars with the cars every year plus every year just new cars constantly looks them up make some like super stereos bat and rams customizes custom colors like a white wrapped around like a white rapper they were talking about well the story that yeah guys in the video with no them right now that he's in the video and this this new guy and he's like who in the club doesn't give a fuck that's like essentially lee the and the the like got all these crazy tattoos all over his body and i'm looking at this bird man and he has this star tattooed on his head he's got like something tattoo his face he's got like teardrops tattooed he's got a star tattooed on the top of his head and i can you watch him yeah the recent images you want because i'm sure he gets tattooed alot
just a crazy fucking and i'm watching the big on parental controls over recent like brian dot com by the way what am i searching for your search many fresh is bubble birdman tattoos top of head look for that and i'm i'm this i'm like wow this is some crazy music like wonder what my grandfather father would think if my grand father who came here from italy you know in the 1930s i think you can maybe was nineteen twenties came to america from italy i wonder you know he was like in the sinatra and shape to go to his house they were playing opera music i wonder what how alien that would be for him to like if he could be my change if he could be in his forties sitting in front of tv i bet he latching absolutely hysterically i didn't think it was a joke i bet he'd go i bet he'd look at and go like re we go get a gut laughing go i can't believe this is hilarious i wish i don't think you would take it that well
olive garden there said it now you say go how about that is this what you get are you kidding me yeah it's got a bunch sometimes too far east as west is not nuts who was crazy that's wild man he's got stars tattoo don't understand to like look at guy like writing on his head man hit him in low
we see like it'll get get some more face tattoos removed look up face tattoo because he's got some big and it's cheap too man i was when i was i was googling wayne's tattoos because wayne's tattoos are crazy too little lane yeah those guys are and then i got into the u s the guy with the swastika tattoo on his stomach you know i'm talking about now who got a swat look as britney no back up one brian we know not him but there was one there was bird man is above you it's above you right there see that click that birdman is the guy lighter skin black ball oh you've got fucked this is probably what we're looking for but here's a virus bitch i have oh wait you have a mac the viruses don't work amazing how many pc people want i want to still stick with peces after that okay
did you do with the trust me man the moment the numbers of mac users won't think it up to a certain about where it's worthy of their time then we'll start writing viruses when did you wear the of their time i don't understand but they don't have it now dummy what would you care you don't get him now where there's no viruses that's better well that's there's there's another side said the the other side's got a bunch of shit too i would really go outside to get someone's cheek right there that one right there boom fucking shit i'd love to be his nurse if he was in a coma and just read him read 'em yeah like just look his body while he's out like oh yeah so you don't have to worry about him like him angry and just read everything about his body and have one of his friends to explain to cmh is the neighborhood in new orleans we grew up in yeah ash money guess what else it's a weird way of living man i mean they they're making like they're making a living a sensational one outta just live in big i mean that's what they're uh
they're talking about how big they live in showing you how they don't give a fuck and that's using their head driving around bentleys what bitch literally why yeah exactly stop me stop me from women i dare you look at his fucking face that's before the stars on the head yeah that's the one man is not something he's got something is crying that means he's killed re rain boots is committed cheek that you're not catching in that picture i have something written on his cheek it's hard to see in the picture but in the video you kind of see it you know essentially got writing all over his face he's really does have writing all over his face while do not want to get up to lately what you want to get how about this the bear hug i might add buddies or i i would have to get a i would have to get that sleeve what was your first one
you don't have any on news radio right now i had one that i got just like the graphics logo i remember that graphic graphics similar there's like a demon with a jesters hat on i was a retard i was like twenty three or something like that when i got that yeah such a dummy and i still have it you wanna see it yeah yeah forgot you still have it for some reason i thought you got it covered up oh shut up yeah i drew it actually and that's right i had a a guy it's actually a pretty cool tattoo for nineteen eight thousand and eighty nine i drew that in whatever it was when i had it done i guess it was probably one thousand nine hundred and ninety or something i guess it's not a good idea to mix electricity with the news
yeah i everything is under control way got it handled what do you do in your next hour i don't know man hopefully soon we are talking about here come i do it louis ck style i like the way he's doing now he's just to get on the internet that's really the smart way to do it we don't want to figure out if there's a way to do that which does the five bucks to about down by boxes good five bucks you can stream it live we're just a married does it be live you know you should be able to just get it whenever you want it and just make it a podcast but a paid born on i tense like it and move like a rental you know that's sort of a good idea but i would have to like i would have to set it up ok can i tell you my good cameras and you know make sure it's directed well you know that's kind of a part of a stand up is like when you want to stand up special which really cool was a special but what's really underrated is like all the people that do it behind the scenes like the guy who directs the ufc is a very good friend of mine anthony jordana and he's the one who did my special too but like he
a guy who understands how to make something look cool how to cut things how to shoot things like yeah you know bring some life to it did not just here to record this but record this in and put into focus in an artistic way that makes it more so yeah i have to have fun and i were talking about doing dates together in february a ruling that's also when we don't know that i don't know i think dorfman's brother i love have front these are great at it up he's a great guy to have on the road to to get a great guy he's he's and he's put together in what's that well nothing michael me am i talking into it wrong yeah okay trying to suck so you we were talking about doing dates in february you turned it that way on purpose did i yeah you were getting really upset during we're talkin early
do the tighter ones lately because i i did boxers for like ten or fifteen years but it was just too dangerous like boxers entangled dating your like waking up you're like why is my dick like asleep and then you realize your boxers rap i wear the tiny white style but i wear black underwear 'cause i don't want to see my fart stains yeah i do spider pain i want to be reminded of it look this is just a part of being a human being we gotta pretend that whole that shit comes out of
the air does leak out of there and occasionally it stains your underwear are we playing games here why you give me white underwear is the fucking test that i can't win is this a test i cannot yes yeah this yellow by my dick this 'cause my dick drips pissed what am i supposed to do get toilet paper out and damn it now i'm a man stick it back in my pants and then we clean the fucking underwear in a couple months i buy new pairs black ones black ones and i don't need a fucking hole somebody please provide solid pair of underwear dickhole dickhole is useless it's just more embarrassing than anything like your fucking like getting a ups guy looks of your penis is only way you should use that decodes if you have ugly ugly balls if you have some like pomegranate looking balls you have some deal breaker balls you like this
maybe i got a pretty dick but i got some balls it'll scare the fucking paint off your car you don't want to you don't want to scare off the country listen baby you can see my balls eventually but right now i wish my dad could you just under words are beautiful tickets a glowing sort of passion lust oh my god and then you see the balls they just like voleibol horrible made rip the leaking my balls are so bad how bad are there what's wrong with them there the ball stops at like say like four inches five but the chrome keeps going to like i said that's not that's because you have a lot of potential for manliness and this is like it's like say if you went to a surgeon and they were going to give you artificial breasts they would make it a nice deep pocket for a good set of double d's you got to create some space and that's what it is you just got a lot of room nice that makes me feel a lot better my balls people pay big money could have like giant balls you can be totally running shit that'll be great if a man doctor told you that he give you a scrotum examines like man you're going to be a great man
this would have to use a lot of potential to be the greatest american ever she would measure potential ball size with accounts in america is how big are your balls that's really what we admire in if you really want to get real what we admire is how your balls what are you willing to do yeah how crazy you want to get that's why i should like jackass works that's why you know stand up comedy works that's why fighting works that's why anything crazy how will it how crazy are you willing to get watching this show where they were talking about this guy who died recently who is a professional snowboarder apparently he caused an avalanche and i think i heard yeah you know or i believe it was i mean it's happened more than one time you know where these like extreme app they go back home try dropped off in a helicopter yeah i mean i like whoa like what the yeah that's that's as real as it how do you do for a sport have you seen you i think i only reason i'm i take this i say i say to you have you seen but the only reason i probably saw it is going to be your news feed on twitter have you seen the guy
in the squirrel outfit jump off the fucking thing and missed the ground missed the ground by like six fucking phone my god it's incredible and he's going one hundred miles an hour all that is one of the most amazing videos i've ever seen is insane what are those called we were on a swirl of this world twelve i think the results will suit your lawyer that's what looks like a flanks yeah it's incredible one of the bad things i've ever seen in my life is you have to be absolutely fucking fearless to do that one mistake one miscalculation of the terrain you don't pull up in time and you slam into the fucking mountain you're one hundred miles an hour you are flying that is that is a game changer in a crazy idea who is the motherfucker that tested that out that it was when i when i was jumped out of a plane with rachel ray uh i was fucking hardcore panicked but i was like man when you're screaming at the earth at a hundred miles an hour it there is a fucking surreal moment where you go all right this is it if
the issue doesn't open it doesn't open and i die with some dude strapped on me like a rape harness some horrible fucking in rachel ray goes home and eat pie that's a great look like gangster rachel does a ship yeah he's got my back so on permanently is stapled to your back he's literally harnessed into you where you can't you can't get and it's the most uncomfortable position to have a man in sitting on a man's dick on the flight up to get to thirteen thousand feet so you can jump out and you having you have your own little moment you got some eastern with his arms around you hold onto you like going let's let's start you what a what a what a crazy fucking activity but that is six people died in those like two thousand six with the last year we looked at an alarming amount of people die skydiving yeah i know loring like when you when that morning i woke up i was in the i was at the w in in union square beautiful hotel and i think what could wrong i'm going to check the odds and see how many people die skydiving and they were like
my this year like it's like fucking it's like they're august in six like forty six like forty fucking sick that's a lot of people on that i'm not comfortable with those odds and ends in the year in in a year here and then you too and then you see a video they show you a video and they go the it's a it's old you need goes the you have to know you're entering into an activity that you will is likely to call death you may die today like why would i want to do this it's not that cool yeah it like i don't want to fucking die but then you do it and you land and you live and there is uh week where you feel like you have a secret that no one knows like a fucking week where you are the most powerful human being in your head you see movies where a guys running across the top of the thing in your head you go do that i jumped out of a plane like you really you feel limitless you feel like you've clock
the tallest mountain you jumped out of a fucking plane and you live you beat the odds you fucking one and then you get addicted to that like like i know rachel and i have been doing some crazy shit like just doing some bizarre shit lately and in february we're going lemon sharks and i was like in the cage and she goes bucket at a cage so we're doing going swimming with sharks advocate then we're going to do well well what's going on with you and rachel ray had to and i mean to make you do a lot of younger bombs and like you're like hey let's do these you have a black out really nice one i have black that we will raise your rates on you know definitely we ported blackout we are you blacked out with her before we parted to mexico near her husband and we killed on iq i will say i i don't fucking thing anyone to think that she drinks but but i murdered some wine like nice wine in her in her room with her husband
let's see comb your hair did he comb your hair cock hold stories no not actually very cool peoples very cool dog you dyna stat if you want to keep the party going to have to tell no tales i understand listen i wouldn't i would do this exact same thing if i love rachel and i love john who doesn't love rachel ray yeah but her and her husband makes me some lasagna and we're in a hotel room i'm not going to like fuck the guy she looks like she's got a great personality like she's a lot of fun she's a human being just seems like a fun person to be around she's a black doesn't seem negative at all not one part i don't think i hear it she's a rare person to that's like a celebrity that you don't hear people criticizing that much i don't really hear people talk shit about rachel ray one day like her she's great she's aloft down and so you go over she's parties in videotape the whole shit for her show and then she'll like cut the cameras and then let's talk shit i saw ricky gervais other night
just like really gossip about more details about the comment she loves comedy she fucking loves comedy and i guarantee you i guarantee you she's on a treadmill or elliptical right now listen those shit if you another life i thought these i love these if you know if young burt had gone left instead of right yeah one day you know let's just spite some weird stroke of luck a thirty year old burt meats who knows how old she was and you're both single yeah thanks man it's happening you like we're not famous if you guys had met famous but i'm like saying like parallel universes i meet her to bar right dream dream girl dreams she's your mother's your wife i know my wife's listening you might not only this in your sound rachel's a kind of check that you know son i have a son you know about him yet she's the
check that i will say that any dude dude that met her in a bar love in a hole she's so cool but does that threaten your wife that you talk about her like this really damn nothing you can't say anything bad about her like and usually i'm pretty honest about everyone and and i'll find some that i go yeah but you would like this but with rachel attack everything you love you love everything about her she's cool she fucking gets it like you can tell a joke sure like we got two bodyguards go to mexico we each got bodyguards and then was those gary oh so great whoa so and i told her i said what is that who were the bodyguards mind was edgar and hers was i think his mother worried that the bodyguards of like sold information because they've seen bert the conqueror and they want you to do a bunch of shit around the house all that cartels i did not hear i didn't speak any english no none but as a joke i go almost a car take our bodyguards down to the beach make him fight and she laughed she was like do people get hilarious like like is a joke right right but you tell it to some p
well in the industry and they'd be like come on man let's not be disrespectful they're working very hard tell you that if lee right answer she just laughed and she's like it'll be funny like just a so cool wait a minute you were talking about two trained killers to trained killers it's natural to see which will only kill the other one there's nothing wrong i wanted to see was correct in the beach she's heard correct in her interests so he doesn't mean they should do it and then we get to pistol whip the loser well that's where you want to cross the line mister not with me really oh how come on man where in mexico shits going down would you do you think it's weird that this a third world country that's connected to us i mean how crazy is that the way where we got fucked everything over in afghanistan right now you know i think about all the soldiers we have over there meanwhile right next door is one slash three world country with the drug war going on like having ripped arms and a perfect chest but then just a
but like no a rotten asshole and a small dick yeah broken small deck in politics it doesn't even work like we cut it off like it goes it goes it goes money money money money money money stop like you do not get the model there is money in mexico which you know the big like mexico city and stuff like that and this is really nice sections of mexico city we were we were saying a million day and it was a fairy place they show the hbo special of the twenty four seven with pacquiao and marquez yeah and they showed like mexico city like mexico city's like a real city you know it's a it's a high into the it's huge i think mexico's is the biggest city in fact the world it's really high up in the the altitude is high stress it is yeah i'm guessing one major i know that the air quality there's terrible so then it's really hard to get the smog issue it's real bad this more people in mexico city i think than any other city in the world i might be on the line now but i think it's close the whatever it is it's it's top it's right up there but it's bigger than any other american cities it's it's a massive it said yeah it's got its own and and and
figure are the quality life there's got to be it's gonna suck well in some areas yeah i mean the the with the show one my all marcus's place like you had forgotten a mercedes and a porsche how do you have that right now all that shit you gotta live dangerously son you know because you're you're flaunting in front of a large population of lots a large population had not to dole yeah who i'm i'm i'm assuming there have nots are ten times worse than our have give the difference between a mark as who's rich in america you know one memo markets is a world champion boxer of a famous athlete in this country loved by millions of people want to you know tough is boxes on the planet in this country in america yeah he's rich as in america he's made millions of dollars yeah mexico that must be staggering like the difference between him and you know you know in america him an minimum wage worker is substantial but it's almost you could see it in the disk
is not available constable via instrumental in mexico in mexico since mountable it's insane it's impossible how could someone stay in mexico and you know and you know what the percentages of of or in the amount of money this guys are like this is insane and so for him to be flaunting what in mexico is like what it seemed to me i don't know anything about the culture i really but i you know i bet i bet seemed extravagant but i bet we're not pudding into this is that he is a mexican i know yeah he's a hero no ones fucking with him 'cause he is the golden boy to them because he represents them every fucking day though is the guy who came from nothing who got somewhere and i bet that is what keeps him safe i bet no one told him they go they were going to take away or adam rodriguez whatever that guys name is based one loan no i meant i meant like are derek getr yeah yeah yeah he is he's he's a bad ass mother fucker you know him he like fights for the pride of mexico
two along with it you know the mexican boxer man those mexican boxers are fucking gangster punch me me some of you will not be out yeah there's been some of the best fighters areas julio cesar chavez and his prime is prob one of my all time favorite boxes to watch because he would just be dudes down with like a volume punching he wouldn't punch like even a like full blast on a per se wouldn't you like eight or engage in while slug yes he would just fucking methodically move and throw beaton's on dudes and hit him with body shots and break guys just slowly slowly break guys even guys there were two more talented than him like do you see the meldrick taylor fight and wait taylor medic tellers the guy who can barely speak now yeah dude yeah dude will fight that does war weight wise yeah i did see the magic taylor was boxing julio cesar shabbos face off for most of the twelve round fight and then towards the end shavez connects and starts connecting on him in the
turn around and nails him with a right hand and drop some he gets up with like three seconds to go or something crazy like that on down clock richard steele waves it off and he calls the fight so chavez came from this beating by this young incredible fast like technically sound olympic boxer or he was just getting lit up and it looked like wow like you know he's just too good he's too good you know he's too fast but shot just slowly kept methodically breaking him down slowly breaking down to the body and then eventually over i'm in the very last seconds of the fight over came and would have short stopped him if richard steele make him made him stand up again it didn't matter he would have stopped him he would have jumped on him again eight seconds is not enough he wouldn't last and he was done you know but whatever it was it was two or one second it was the right call meldrick taylor was fucked up he was piss in blood and he was never the same again and if you watch videos of him he stalks with a pronounced that staggering stuff
well that is one of the most like like obvious examples of a fighter who has a really tough fight like an all time epic battle and then essentially never reach that that performance level again you don't know whether or not it's physical like it took a lot of their body which you know that does play a factor of of a real big beating like that like that i mean a real war that can really does by shot shot him with over and over again that could really wreck havoc on you and then you also have to consider his motivation when a guy gets beat up sometimes they don't have the zest the fire that they had when they were undefeated undefeated they thought they were unstoppable that's me yep his strong dudes man they just talking you know young and and full of confidence that they got the world at large they feel like there's i run into so many guys especially the ufc these young guys with this incredible confidence incredible confidence and then you see him have a really tough fight
you'll see him have a really tough fight and then you'll see a marie engage and sort of look at this a little bit different go okay you know what everybody's phone ok let's not get crazy here what should i do something stupid i'm going to do this let's do this intelligently and the ones who think that way they have a long life in the sport and the ones that don't there's the ones that you know they they have a few epic contest where they they essentially have a really really difficult time recovering from whether it's psychologically with ritz
you know this really really tough ones those are the hard ones to come back from getting your ass kicked cycle is more psychological i think it is but it's important for people to humility thing you need to know that that's possible to you you can't always be the hammer and pull out a young fast people especially a lot of young athletic people they're always the hammering it used to be in hammering terrified of being the nail once once you've taken some shots before you understand like this is a give and receive bitch this isn't just to give and sometimes you're going to get fucked up just like the way you like to fuck up other people sometimes as long as we can accept that and understand that then you can look at this whole thing rationally and instead of thinking you know with this crazy confidence that you're on top so guys games change and i can change for the better or it could change for the worse all depend on how committed they are to their goals i thought i was a badass at fifteen like
that ass why'd you think that i don't know had been beaten up i was terrified of fifteen really afraid of everybody really yeah man and you have really got in taekwondo yeah i would didn't i just thought i was tough i was big like i was a bigger kid like i was the in the top of the level of the height and size and i just thought i was tough and then and then you get your dick knocked in the dirt a couple times in your okay i got humiliated and what wasn't really a fight it wasn't a fight but it was a bigger kid who just did something to maine peed on you he wrestled me the ground he thought he like like hip tossed me into the ground we're just playing around you know like i don't remember what started off i wasn't really that friendly with them but i was like hey what's up you know it was one of those things and somehow or another we were in the locker room like leaving and we got we said said something and did joking around and he pushed me and i pushed it back we grabbed each other in the hip toss me on the ground and just laid on top me for a couple seconds and i couldn't get up i got into how to get up
and then he let me up and he laughed about it wasn't really a fight but it was humid but it was enough that you you weren't cool with it i wasn't i wasn't cool with the fact that he could do that i was like shit like that fucking threw me on the ground and i couldn't do it think about it so then i started excellent that's when i took wrestling seriously yeah i was like that does ridiculous because i was i had a bit at inflated sense of what i could do physically because i thought that physically really strong guy i know in a strike like you know if anyone's gonna want to get in a fight i'll fucking kick in the balls you have all these stupid ideas in your head of what you're going to do with why you're a badass then some guy just hit cause you it lays on top of you and i can't get this guy off man like i really i couldn't get him off me i just couldn't i had to give up and he let me up it was a huge eye opener you know and then luckily he was a nice guy didn't beat me up or anything we had me down but good eye opening message this is so funny because i practice
none of the real striking i would practice the talking before the fight you were going to that i was i would do it in the mirror like yes i'd be like you want to fucking piece of this i'll fuck you up fuck you up three ways from sunday and would just practice it and i would like like shirt often like flex every every kid one of our kids are our guys in like that there was a gang call the men no no no i wasn't i wasn't what i was i was in a gang car roller skating in the cave there's a gang called the caveman in tampa in the cave men were like these public school kids book from the rich public school and they were like they were they would just get in fights all the time with jesuit kids i want to do it and i was in the not a gang but a club called e p u and e buon caveman all the time from like junior year until my senior year even my sophomore year you always to beware of the cave men and so like you go to party in a fight would break out and it'll be the caveman and so then that's when i was like
i was like that's it i gotta learn how to fight but i never really learned how to fight i just how to talk shit but and that was your opening move just to be loud and crazy man now that you're in for some dangerous shit i remember the first time ever punched someone it was the first time ever punched someone was a black dude was the that another get gang i think from robinson i think it was called the gang no no no i wasn't in a gang i was just gonna club okay i was in a after school club at my school and everyone else gangs but then our after school club was the one that got involved with gangs 'cause it wasn't even gangs we just fucking high school kids it wasn't real gangs so nobody got killed no one got killed just just like this fights definitely guys got beat up and then there was one like gang from i think robinson i think they're called twt
who with anybody no no no yeah well yeah i was apart of this like epu group was the epu pleura pbis unum it's on the penny that's ours had like some latin significance to it i was like twd together we thump seeking men so you were gang not it gang a very strong word for what we were we were a group of guys so what school together who likes guys played football and baseball and wrestled and we like the cooler guys at our school and we were in this group called p you that was a sanctioned group by the school the initiations we got paddled and you get into it but it just happens that the one guy that tpu in like one thousand nine hundred and eighty eight got into a fight with the caveman and so all the fuck epu you always for caveman ebu fought whoever robinson or hillsboro and so
at a young age you realized you had to stay away from those fucking people so the first points ever thought so was i heard a fight is a story i've told him stand up many a time but the short the short honest version of it is it was at a party so when you'll fight and i thought all of you all my friends were gonna come and watch it and i rolled out and it's it's one cave man right and the whole t w t whether we thought posse like it's all black dudes and one white cave man and i stick my head in and i actually know this caveman i know i know who i know his reputation he's unconscious on the fucking floor is it was morio he was fighting this guy donovan and tucked my head in the second i stuck my head in they were like brother get him too and they push me in and i was like well i'm not his brother and his friend like we're not i'm not only once team wanted team like but they think we're on the same teams were in the away uniforms you know so this guy be the beat the shit out of me standings that makes sense yeah like i didn't fall he didn't kick me
i never at any point did it look like i won and i did a lot of to talk my way out of it but while he was hitting you you were trying to talk so i was like man i'm not and use a pound of me and he was like he was like oh and he was talking shit like as you would fight me like just weird shit like you following me around the mall motherfucker and i was like what is that follow me around the mall bitch see what happened see what happens is what what's up you just pop in me and i was like i got the chicken and throw the first punch i ever threw is then and i go to throw a punch but i never thought a punch before it only worked on talking shit so my shit talking was outdoor from getting my ass kicked so i got a little punch by just it was more like a like it was like like i got the end stop name being you bring my begin over and i literally my hand landed in this high top fade it went in
with her and i remember thinking to myself and this is now the joke is very different than this but the truth is one into his hair and held it there 'cause i thought i never touched by persons here before and i fucking move my fingers around a little bit he didn't move and then all the sudden the cops showed up oh my god and the cop shut up and then all the fucking brothers took off except for this guy cops showed up 'cause they knew there was a fight going on cop showed up change my cars two squad cars two rednecks and the other guys still out cold out fucking cold what they did on he was just laying on the ground his latest you got there he's a he's already been knocked out he was he that guy when i stuck my head in he was unconscious and this guy donovan who is standing over him beating him pummeling him and i focus on my head and thank god i did the king might be dead but i stuck my head and i was like oh i don't want any of that what he ordered all take yeah the l sack kind of damage when a guys out in a guy gets beat up all these out kicked his head like sometimes people never recover yeah that dude that got really fucked up and
la dodgers another jersey from another five who knows i mean maybe did other things i don't know why they beat his but they definitely should have done what they did what they did was horrific math is a nightmare i i have no idea how that guy behave but you know so that they need obviously they need more security there's no way they should all be allowing that many people do a place like that to a position with that kind of happen to the dodger stadium sketchy i need to tighten that down man you know when a guy gets beat down like that like shit man you need to be able to protect people from thugs there should be a fucking geico numbers are too high what this first of all those people are who anybody who would do that is a sick fuck and you know what we're having here man it's it's a classic example of people not caring about terrible neighborhoods those terrible neighborhoods have more kids come out of a man more kids come out of him they want to do fucked up things and that's just the way it goes
you know that's a very accurate statement i uh the other day i realized i don't judge a man based on his skin color in the slightest i them based on their age ages the most determining when we were in amsterdam i a lot of smart young dudes man i mean there's a lot more today i think that i've ever met in the past i meet newsletter like twenty years older on the fucking ball and that does happen but you know who stole punches the bars in bars twenty year olds yeah it's always going be that man is always going to be a certain percentage of it but not allowed thirty nine year old stolen fucking sucker punches there are planning i some losers some never got it together yeah man together yeah man you underestimate there's a lot of good vegas go hang out in those fucking crap dens now watch the degenerate gamblers instead of the horse back you know there's just plenty of thirty nine year old i guess you can't stereotype anything yeah yeah they just tired her i don't have the gumption to get winded quicker yeah they just got the gumption to get up your fucking ass kicking
if you look at what they ate for lunch they might have had a burrito they just got no energy and it's ready to shit their pants i talk he owes us i'm a guy talk to you or i don't know i mean it happens you know as it hasn't happened a long time most people really nice to me i'm very lucky you know when people say like what's the downside to it you know people know who you are when you go to the u s like you're like a stranger or somebody paid to do that a stranger with the for are you eating dick like a stranger for someone who paid into that thank god you're broadcasting meeting gmt so yeah you ever had a confrontational no people are generally cool
did you ever think i'm nice you know i think you know if you come to me with some sort of a predetermined idea of who i am or you know what you think about something i said once and you know you're angry at me then it's probably not gonna be a fun conversation that they have that hat that happened before where people misinterpret something i said or taking out a contact or disagree with it that can happen but for the most part most people that meet near nice nice and even when someone does like listen now it's just an opinion you know not have to get people get so god damn attack each to their opinions you know if you know if you just just stop and go who the fuck knows and stop and go well maybe you're right that clears up a lot of shit it's you know it's really simple
and you know and then a little google add that to the mix and you know you should be dealing with much less problems we should have because of google for real we should probably have i'd say a seventy five percent reduction in arguments between human beings they should be resolved seventy five percent quicker just from the access to information is how many god damn arguments when we were kids came out of one guy talking out of his fucking ass and you know in it you not having encyclopedia handy handy oh yeah and you just would fight that fight that until the day he knows that's a are the things that movie went straight to video to go straight yeah don't even make movie straight to video that was fucking it was out in the movie theater theaters for at least two weeks i know because my dad told me those are frustrating conversations man you never had closure say in the movies go fucking video and i was like that doesn't happen it was a fucking nightmare fight where kids when i still remember it but we had fights we had five would you argue with someone and you just get into it with them and you just would never have closure and you'd fucking be like fine
i disagree and i just hate your guts secretly behind your back bert kreischer talking about how he in handle relationships everybody has their own approach what's yours call us now at one eight hundred what is the temperature cago right now and i have a question for chrysler super my wife has three samples but both of 'em are on her asshole his three are they like circling her like crop circles now they're in their inside but if you feel you can feel with your finger and if you come down here we will show you it's and i need to know what to do that you need to bail on this one wait no no wait no i like these failed improve my wife looks on the actual breast area where the nipple would have been with the areola is
well we know nipple car keys mostly have you ever did it drove a sexually an aerial and knowing the ball rolling i've had guy i've dated girls that's aerials have been chopped off and then they've had boobs put it on one and so on i mean it it's like it that's like a ghost nipple in some ways you know that's not like a here goes diego's vehicles what is that is that a real song i just made that up listen so you do have friends but hole yeah that was that was a sign that we were barbecues one night and were hanging out with him and he was he just started dating this particular las have for some reason we started singing a song called i saw your girlfriends butt hole photographs of her here's however right now is that this is not a right that that and see that's a nice idea about how artists are better but yeah the girl and yeah and how that happened had you ever hook up which is like that huh
do you magic totally naked brian when he's out though i wear shirt like the pool i usually wear jersey like a polo like have you ever have you ever had sex with clothes on i guess you have like quickie sex with a shirt you know kevin james i i would think would have sex with a shirt on because they know he seems like a guy that he's always got a hat on he's always got something cover you know kevin is an interesting guy comes a really interesting guy i went to his house one time a long time ago got bellotto yeah in front of him and i just watched him look at me like studying me like how does this happen like a lot drunk oh yeah it was me and gary entire gary knows how to put him away being gary started drinking in vegas have been ended at kevin's house many evenings drinking with gary back in the day god damn he is a hell put it back do i solve all the time guys i saw gary valentine one time at the improv take a shot of a candle he
so it's just kind of put it back into stuff that wasn't a fucking shot alright i'll keep on guys let's keep going with no he drank it while you just fucking shot it back home i get a candle taylor mountain playback is that when they shot let's keep going guys gary valentine's a fucking party got we could ever tell you what happened oh this is my favorite sweet maybe i did wait so did i ever tell you the do you remember my you know mike burton mike burton comedian bald jewish good good body but got that it is about our lives and it body out anyway what was that i don't you know those are not like he's an animal july works out here his problem gall what's on the guy he's reaches is really system a martial arts he teaches krav maga all right now so anyway so one time you gary this guy scott henry and and mike burton all drinking at for most a cafe this is like thursday
we want to work gary and i are making money we're doing that show and when i go a guys go to vegas and everyone's in except for burton i want to go but it was a comic and he was he's stopped doing comedy sense he was anybody wasn't like that funny so he i'm only going by come on come on let's go and he's like i don't wanna go i don't wanna go to go fuck it i'm going to my house and packing my bags i'll meet you guys at scott and burton's house in like in like thirty minutes so we go meet me burn and scott go to scott and burns houses and burn goes out fuck it i'll go i go burn this what you do hide in the back of my truck we're taking my escalator my navigator whatever in the way back hide in the way back and we won't tell gary you're going until halfway there when we get halfway to vegas you papago surprise i'm surprise so he so such a great idea that's a great idea so we packer car wait gary valentine pulls up and his parks his car he comes up and he's like what's up message hot damn already in use alright scott henry is driving my truck gary hops in the backseat and
then we go well you couldn't come in gary goes let me tell you something about my mother tell you why is not a good comic for one and all of a sudden in the review and i seen bertans heads sit up in the way back and he goes 'cause he's not fucking funny and i don't have the heart to tell him he should like he starts fucking tearing burton apart and and we are in hollywood until we get on the fucking ten all the sudden burton go gary can you reach in the back about me a beer he reaches back is britney goes hey burden hey doing turns it looks you're gonna tell me is in the fucking most uncomfortable the whole rest of the ride to vegas they just spoke like in the backseat just talked hashed it out and no one spoke to each other the rest of the weekend fucking uncomfortable this sometimes dudes will blow up and they don't even mean it exactly what they're saying they just frustrated with their own lives yes and they find something about someone else whether it's a minor glitch in their system whatever and they just start poking at it and it
sort of a distraction to turn that same know i object being inside yourself yeah you know yeah i've i've done it i've done it when i like when i was less not but with when i was younger in this business but i would definitely take apart someone i did not know yeah and look at their act to be map fuck and i would you could get me started on someone and i would destroy and pay apart everything in the days until they had to say was hey man i'm a big fan of stuff i'd like you to i'm a big fan of you to love you i've been a big fan for a long time but there are dudes that are annoying mean there's no getting past that there are guys to get up there they're annoying yeah but you just gotta avoid them you know i just avoid their acts you know that's the best way just to just you know kind of get out of the way when they're up and just but you know be there
you do that when you're young a lot of times you gotta follow that person well the follow is not the real issue is when someone tells you what you can't do you ever have that when you open for those guys oh fuck that yeah that is that is ah there's something real negative dudes out there that will start to like like micro manage your act when you work at like clubs that happens a lot yeah yeah the headlines will tell you whatever you do you can't talk about farming you could have like your whole opening bit about farming how about i have a different bit about farming than you do is that ok now look what the fuck dude you can't tell me what i can talk about it's one thing it's like a guy purposely tried to step on your material in that i'm sure you've had happened i don't have it on where they open or you have like one day well you'll be the headliner and he'll be the middle act and he'll have a certain set an it will do well and then you'll have a bunch of bits on certain subjects and all this uh
next night he magically has these new bit so you can tell our new bits the the cut off shortly that expanded on and they're about the same exact subjects that you talk about and they're just a sometimes it's not even the roads just stepping on what you're about to talk about he's trying to make your act less effective on purpose fucking exhausting and it's happened to me so much it happens to a lot of comics when they're like ther in there in like thirty two they're not make a ton of money to make a one thousand two hundred bucks on the road and they've got some feature activated seven hundred dollars who's like fuck this guy i've never heard of them i'm going to take going to make sure that they flip flop this at the end of the week and they sell like five dvd's with two t shirts and the undercut your sales until the dvd for twenty dollars and this guys i'm selling all my shit twenty five damn it's really unfortunate the the way you should go to do shows someone is if you're friends with someone like i don't like like even i love doing the k rock shows because i know all those people that do those like you know they had that big april fools april fool
yes yeah yeah yeah show on april fools day air april fools day weekend whatever it is and it's always that huge place in universal what is that theater in universe it's like six thousand fucking people and it's all a lot of people that i don't normally out with but everybody is really funny you kind of know 'em all from the business but it's way more fun when you're working and you work on the road with friends it's way more fun like is this not like for whatever reason some comics want them to be the only one that is getting the laughs yeah yeah it it can't just have a good set and then you have a good set too it's uh it's a competition is one on one like on the funniest mother fucker in this club tonight i need to be the one that when they exit they go you are fun
and that guy they need that and then it becomes what we were talking about earlier before we even started rolling about being addicted to killing being addicted to killing is the worst thing that can ever happen to a comic because i heard you and brewer talk about this maybe seven years ago six years ago and it was when it was when dane was blown up and you guys were saying that dane is the perfect guy that's addicted to killing yeah that it was he he you know it's like what we exactly what we were talking about with your friend they don't want to stop doing the bit because the bit works and even though they know it's unethical to continue to do the bit it's really your story that they're repeating they can't help it because it's so powerful it's such a it's such a weapon to use like if you want these people to love you you want these people to get a fight however boom how about this brilliant impression with this perfect story that is so fucking hilarious you're going holding your stomach laughing the brilliance of it all but in reality he shouldn't be saying it
in our area and there's an end to the killing it's it is it's hard man because bombing socks and if and a lot of times people think that bombing is the alternative when it's not now if the alternative is just not killing you know and i think a lot of those a lot of guys who was a specially like like i remember tell never killed i really like he always killed to comics we always love them but like a lot of times he do five thousand fifty fifty in the room at the cellar because because in all honesty he was working on new shit all the time he was always taking a bit and it was not about the crowd it was not about them he knew if he wanted to he could murder that crowd in a heartbeat for him was about the art and find the right way how to kill someone with a hammer like what's the funniest way to kill some of the hammer how do you kill and he would i swear to god he must have said kill some with a hammer one hundred and fifty times when i lived in new york and tried to work that out and you
watch him louis ck was about it was about him figuring shit out i work with louis right after georgia my my oldest was born and and dave right back to back and louis in i'm saying this in all fondness louis bombed for in a week and he had a rough weekend anybody but he was doing all the material that defined him as a comic today that is murderous shameful our what that he did the shameless or shameful shameless the one that defined the defense power of louis c where you went okay he's my new favorite comic he was doing all i was working on it for him it wasn't about killing it was about getting this concept of being a regular guy thinking your kids are a dick wanting to be wanting to eat whatever the fuck you being married to someone is a a little micromanaging like being kind like louis c k he wanted to get that idea out so you give a shit i remember going up murdering as a feature and then we will go up and kind of like struggle and fig
about his figuring shit out and you could definitely see who is working i remember my head going i was so fucking impressed that he did not care i'm not sure you cared about killing i'm sure that mattered but i was so in that he didn't he had a bigger goal you know he wanted to create new material quickly yeah he wanted thio make he wanted to make he wanted to change his style a style was goofy absurd you know kind of i always i don't know why but i think of like top top ten fucking for some reason it was like it was like goofy's top ten team and don't know why i say that i don't know i mean but i was thought of that i don't know i don't know how you to say it do you mean like like one of those like a poll like top ten funniest things to happen like that kind of humor no no no it was like it was a tight top tent like up other top ten yeah like it was like a tent like it i don't know why i think that maybe is our special headed to his old stuff was resolved don't listen to fish yeah yeah he'd go his joke was
hey guys want to see me order anything old dial or diner style done or something was he dies so order something ma'am she go to eggs bacon and and pancakes use one of a drink some orange juice because all right i need to monkeys runs on i need flapjacks saying about going silly any do this whole fucking hilarious rant and then you go and we need two eggs over easy bacon and pancakes with some orange juice like that was the bit wasn't who he is now at all it was more absurdist but man i remember watching that and going mother fucker i wish i had the balls come as a feature at the time i felt like if i didn't kill i wouldn't work ever again yeah that's like the fear you know it's the hardest part of come coming up with new material or changing gears you know god for bid what when you get a guy who's like a musical guy and decide
to try to put the guitar down shit man i've seen that go horribly wrong messy sure used to yell at them shoes to yell at them there's a series of guys that were guitar comics so i'd like some kind of funny songs but they resented the fact that they were not considered legitimate comedians by the rest of the comedians they did so there was like a little extra you just had to go up there and talk you really would you would eat dicks up a little like not i mean here's the thing you pull out a guitar and everyone's like oh you're kidding nothing wrong with it not not saying is anything wrong with it but what i'm saying is there was a bunch of guys who got pretty good with a guitar and then they tried to put the guitar down and just go on their own personality and they would eat dicks up there but mitzi shore used to yell at him i'll never forget the students on stage he was just choking and up there i just didn't have it it just it was at a rhythm needed no i don't have a reading i don't know the rhythm yeah he did know how to do it yeah yeah we can just introduce the next song was that song i wrote what i was thinking about i dream of jeannie yeah
bubble bath with my dog hey you know there's no there's no set up it's just you doing stand up and you know you can you know there's no guitar to pull out there's no pretending you're having a good time thank you thank you thank you you know soliciting collapse there's none of that just you talking there's no like tuning the guitar when you need a let me hold on a sec and so missy the kids on stage doing this don't get that guitar ever going stage without the guitar i kind of wish i had known missy she's one of a constant meter oh she's still alive really sure if you want want to meet her she she's in poor health she's had a part time poly one time he was a dick you know i'm a big fan of his brother his brother scott he's a good buddy of mine i love that but see i said to paulie in front of lucy louie anderson introduced us
to install a new call can be a nice guy it's he's got the potential to be a nice guy he just doesn't know how it was to be totally and it seems like it like whatever it is there it's it's really weird because every time you meet him like i most of the time it's like he's just a nice guy very friendly and then he has like a bad weird side i guess yeah i don't know you know whatever your check him out me no no never did i never i never even really i mean i got more upset with how ridiculous the the set the whole situation was the comic store than polly polly was just a part of a machine over there yeah you know whatever position polly why is it now i don't know speaking of the machine cyber sale monday i got machine shirts at burrburrburr dot com keep going cyber sale monday cyber sale monday on monday so what happens when they get off they get the same price is normal i think i don't know how to change it
same price i don't know cyber sale that's not a fucking cyber sale right now we have a cyber sale at onnit dot com oh and it put in the code word cyber you get twenty five percent off so you don't you don't have a real i actually think that everyone should go to doug dot com instead of going to amazon dot com and that's dug if you go to deep dot com brian explain to me why that's good because if you're going to shop on amazon dot com doug dot com just forward you to amazon dot com but any of any time you spend dollar i get six cents and goes towards this studio that will not charge them anymore charge them anymore for the pro no it's it just gives you a kick back just because it's a kick back for promoting people to amazon dot com it seems like there's dealing money for themselves yeah if he is then i would argue that all out we make good money on this side of the apocalypse because how it was i was gonna fold yeah it was like you should together you my favorite
at all online shopping option i went to black friday by the way and that was straight up scary like that was like really that was like being at wood stock but if it was like all rappers i guess what did you get did you get it by black friday these projectors in the background and stuff like that but it these projectors right here yeah what is this movie i don't remember you were playing but you don't know the studio starting to become really bad so we so now you guys do you guys do you do live show here wednesday nights uh we do a live show here on various evenings we don't it's not like every wednesday night and then you come straight here is to do the popular what we do is we do a podcast while we're doing i just kicked over his cameras they still cool what we do is we do a podcast like while everyone is going up on stage
thomas lee back here having a podcast i'll come on please why do it anytime you want when is the next one percent open invocated maybe this week maybe let's figure it out will figure it out i'll do it this week do it this week put this week it'll either be wednesday or thursday most likely wednesday that's what i'm talking about doing is doing something like that on the road with you stream in like kind of but i don't i'm not good with that if you could do it do it just to add passes through its twitter make a little you stream show heffron's in charge everything be in charge is good is that she is more he should be put to get organized online survey yeah i'll have friends brian he's a great guy too and he's a fun guy to have on the road yeah i would yeah he's a real you know you real good guy you'll have a good time beat him and charlie murphy went on a one month tour the country it was a good time there cool monster charlie murphy really he's so interesting is a great guy man good luck charlie i rented trolley in hawaii once man it was one of the fucking coolest things ever just random on vacation the exact woman he was on there
he's one of those guys like i was truly happy to see him you know yeah he's a he's a real legit dude he's one of the most honest people i've ever met that's in like show business you know like he came on the show and was telling me a story about his wife passing away i heard about you know raising his kids and doing the best he can but he still travel on the road and sometimes just to leave them and he doesn't want to and how it breaks his heart you know powerful fuck shit i love i love the words he chooses he's got this he's got like a like a ninety year old man vocabulary words like articulate crooner like crooner the fucker ticul eight his feelings on the matter yeah so go say that hit the mike tyson is that like barbershop stuff you think anything like or like j guys diamonds how do they
i have a black barbershop podcast so if we got you together with charlie in a room you and charlie murphy oh i want to tell her story off i want to i want to do a start story off with charlie murphy that would be i want to be in germany to go out one night haven't evening and then us both recant our evening to you yeah but i think too much party like that anymore to skype kid put me with young white boy with his smile after plugging laugh i would plug laugh uh i it was dark kiss it and it's not being every ryan black guys do not play gay shit brian that little for what's a good way to get knocked out silly brothers white guys love it like if i can sneak around put my dick on your shoulder you like god main yeah and listen there's a lot of black guys are just looking for an opportunity to punch a guy like you found you i hope joking back off of that shit i want to do that
wanna do that part okay you do here absolutely please do so are you in town so in time for the two weeks all my goodness lays down a you are listening to this organically occur we are making an appointment for bird chrysler to be a part of the ice house car i'm gonna get a charter service out here nice house in a soft up are the favorite new club here in california and we're we're doing shows here all the time as often as we can and we're doing podcasts here all the time as often as we can great man's aussies joe you does he is doing is matt flavor gonna beer if he's here you know you never know we can't call too early dog listen listen i got things to do dog i'll see you at the fucking show like he doesn't like that do it do it how do appreciate that guys so much he's so healing to the podcast for like forty five minutes nine i'm going to have him back there's like a sports game on he's like a big sports guy which you know yes the ufc fan hugh
gfc fan really 'em all the time with the oc he loves it he's one of the sweetest greatest important guys that i have in this business one of the coolest things about doing this podcast one of the coolest things about you know just being a comic in la it's like you get to meet a lot of god damn interesting people tell me alright i think about our lives in that respect you know that all the the wild stories you tell me your drinking story johnny knoxville and like just of the ninety should he told me in the past i think about how how fortunate you are in comparison to the average person the average person to to have those kind of experiences the average person doesn't live so insanely funnel i get it i get it when i go on the road because the documentary guys will attest to this and i say and i say this and i mean it i get the fans of this podcast come out to my shows in fucking droves like drove but here's the most interest thing is they know i'm a fan of the podcast also so they end up sitting and talking to me for the entire night we in it bar and
talking about our favorite podcasts so we end up bullshitting about this podcast and then and then maybe like w was joe's house look like just make up some story about aliens fucking with what's italian fucking something i didn't alan alan italian yeah i don't know what i was talking talking about brian did you really work for nasa yes well that's cool man yeah that we love doing this pockets of great it's a we were so set on the phone with you last night with an in depth conversation and i was in this podcast has made it's it's it's so to be a part of because when i stand on stage the second stage i see droves of people in machine shirts all sold i got to present you got to excel sort of the light one which i prefer a very thin sort of above of fabric yeah i got a one that's like a regular cotton tee shirt i prefer the super thin one it's got a bit
sexy to a little extra sexy you're the reason those things so i could find a documentary you're the reason henderson show gun shirt on you know i'm not the reason dude all i am as an antenna that tuned into the greatness that is bert that's what we just found you you know like i couldn't i couldn't make you funny i can't make you interesting you know having you on this podcast is just we're lucky i've never subscribed to the idea that you know that someone should be happy you know that come on someone show and are entertaining as fuck for free for hours we did we you know we have some really hilarious fucking shows with you dude oh thank you i thought i didn't make you you made yourself to your you well we were talking about last night it's it is a neat thing to be a part of because when people when you stand the people who love you anyway you this is it this is the crazy thing so i go that we do this special in amsterdam for showtime again onstage in amsterdam although it's grow all the crowd while you know stage and i still stage
machine fucking thirteen people yelling the machine and my bucking lying right now where is the crew out in fucking amsterdam dudes have the machine shirt on and there screaming the machine while in amsterdam now this is everyone's had a rough beautiful thing about the podcast talking free every reaches out over fucking whelming it's free and it's everywhere and it will always be free yeah my ads are annoying but it's always going to be free fucking great bug when you're done with that l is overwhelming is one of my favorite interviews i've heard with the tell 'cause a spec when you told to me could smoke 'cause then all the sudden dave started really parking relaxing yeah i know i couldn't i just turned on the machine i was like no big deal i love him i let him smoke for him he's a two pack a day guy so for him it's super hard to everybody harass doug stanhope please get after him email
get him on twitter tell do the podcast wise is he's in town this week as you do and irvine improv that's closest diane who was in town this week i'm calling i thought why tax email of doug stanhope twitter twitter and twitter yeah when he doesn't read his twitter hello ladies email either i'm a call later it's his facebook is faceplates causes or him that is what is the little girl tweets fourteen year old girl book like page on a whack i said is that what is that brian did you hear another coach got caught with little kids yeah another coach today some some fucking uh i'll look it up online because that's like saying things weren't if this one colin quinn tweeted about did he did he tweet about colin quinn's twitter so funny talk
twenty spent rolling everybody with this thing about a will ferrell sailor who stole the idea and it will will ferrell and doing a lot of bad drugs he says bad drugs but you can't see that's a colin quinn joke right there he was saying angel he's doing a lot of drugs and they picked they picked it up on the news wire right so silly it's socially you can't see him saying even the vernacular he uses the words you choose is that he was doing a lot of bad drugs that's got damn joke he's colin quinn at the fuck is wrong with you people bobby give me the residuals give me the results i want my mind man how do you not know he's brilliant bobby kelly told me the funniest colin quinn story i saw bobby in new york we did his podcasts which is coming out next monday or you know what they're the same as progress is really was really fun as black as coal no what do you know what that is that's a great name for a podcast so so to bobby says i never met but i love him i think he's hilarious and then i
that night he goes you know colin said hi and i said i don't think i don't think we've ever met and he goes well he but uh gotham the other night and he sat with the guy for thirty minutes and then at the end said see you later but the bad guy goes i'm not burton he was alright take care he probably stalking me for thirty minutes like happening with some guy that celebrity you burnt the guys my name is robert he's like all right see you later oh wow so you guys just sat down talk politics maybe your your ghost man goes burt this is talking with this guy from syracuse that's who it is syracuse university fired bernie fine as i do men's basketball coach for sexually abusing boys at so that i should happens all the time now i mean i yeah but i mean it's here to signal lasted half of our elementary school is really we talk about is on the podcast his name was filled me up phillips and he would just like walk behind guys and smack him in the and have like this huge bucket of like prizes that were like stupid small toys and it was like a joke between us in elementary school like yeah he
molested our friend sean he molested her friend blah blah example true he really did molest them well here we just making shit up no no i mean that's what we all believe but we are only elementary kids but then later but do these kids tell you that he molested them i don't know how it was one of the things you got to throughout the whole entire school right okay people and so it could have just been a rumor maybe even even as well even as a key but we all were like dude he totally is so and then a few years later he got thrown out of school or whatever for whatever ended i don't know but you got suspended for doing that but you dodge that oh yeah i never got you know i wasn't his kinds too fat a defense mechanism joe make yourself unpretty you don't feel pretty on the inside to make yourself
on the outside that's how i get out of most of my relationships that because after five or six years i just are eating like crazy not he's not lying low fat he's not line is one point time he was at the end of this relationship and he had to wait almost three hundred pounds yeah it was it was to say he was a normal use sixty pounds yeah and then told me that i've done that before where i've mike i'm gonna get a lot to get rid of the most self destructive way to relate to remember her it's hard hard to break up with somebody that can be a big test though that if if they can last for me being fat then it then all right they do survey but they deserve what your did deserve well no it's like join me being faster thicker thin bitch so you do it on purpose here's the thing that there are guys in unhealthy relationships right now doing this you should try to push the girl away oh hell yeah and and and here's the thing that i learned one day in a yoga class i was in a miserable relationship right before i met my wife i go to you
class and the guy just does that fucking gets in your head you do the whole so the very end egos so right now when we lay down on the max i want you to think what's the one thing that makes you unhappy i remember thinking this fucking chick and he's like you have the power to change that today take action and i went i can fucking dump her like i was i can make myself happy right fucking now so if you're listening and you are thinking to yourself i'm not happy with my chick fucking chain that shit absolutely change order move to do is also is to sit down give yourself advice nobody ever does self evaluation and actually give yourself advice say if i was in this situation what would i say to myself 'cause nobody ever that they know what am i going to do how am i going to fucking you would say if i was saying this somebody else let me take myself out of it's very difficult to do obviously and you can't be one hundred percent objective you're going to know you have a situation back and say how would i advise myself to handle
situation and then fucking foul that man because that's the person is thinking clearly not you now he's looking for a shovel and some lime yeah exactly yeah yeah you totally fucking right it's the guy going true you know i never fucking listen give yourself advice is very poor got roped you gotta go into the isolation tank i want to go into the isolation take really bad i want to get the tm too we should get when he runs out of meditation in the isolation tank fucking that's what i want i want i want here we could do on here but the only thing is really have to maintain it you have to make sure what space would we put in bryan the isolation tank that rule next door is there where you can rent it out like a store by well you know we could do that and we could start up float lab sure do it do it do it lab is in venice if i talk to crash will say will talk to the flow i want to relate it generally back that would be down that would be dope dope delicious you know what i got yeah i got an idea i think i might have to open up a business
ok i'm going to open up a tank business brian reichle right next door genius son genius cheers i can't hear out of my left ear one of these because it's not a good headphone we should get new yeah i got some amazing headphone alike but it also candy they sent me to keep forgetting to bring them here they're at my house diligently waiting did you bring five htp with you no i don't have any with me i have this big thing alpha brain i i'm so the role of my my personal five and by the way you take new mood this is the five htp thing and you're taking antidepressants already it could be problem and yeah yeah yeah apparently this is doctor site so they say if you're 'cause apparently what neal brennan was doing when he came on the podcast and he started talking about talking about anti depressants and 5h tp be and how it helped him his dog
we're told him essentially that what's happening is when you take five htp and you're already on depressants it's it's like getting anti depressants actually it too much serotonin which is i'm crazy because what that means is that five htp essentially produces much the same stuff that these anti depressants produce it's like it's also gets natural anti depressant see what about new mood and stella i think that works new mood and stella hose at the beer yeah we'll still is a good beer if you wanna let should know that your european klein a little bit no i've been aligned and no through four times it's cool he's got the right i got friends and then i got use when someone to the i guess who's been a kangaroo you know i got it and that i have a stellar people like stella i think the glass i think still is nice i like it but it's like a light beer as in a glass site beer both out skunk light be without skunk
so what man give me one of them bitches i'll try it let's roll myself i want to yeah burton fuck this one beer when we push it we got men two beers is nothing to manavar stature too here's how much you weigh two hundred and thirty twenty five i'm like one ninety are you really ninety nice brian thank you brian you're fucking gentleman now i gotta go back and have a conversation with my wife and my daughter's not going to happen entertaining oh it's going to be fun my daughter last night that's what pop comes in and makes it even more interesting again i'm trying to help you try to help you could i can turn you into a pot head it's going to help you let's do it here is my friend cheers to a two to a great do you how do you the last name like artie fuqua it's okay
it's got like pretty good what's your favorite sam adams heineken i'm a if i get behind again in a heartbeat number one these are guys asked me they were like how much did how much would it cost to get that budweiser your hand and put a heineken or get the hang on your apple but wasn't on stage wow and i was like can't do it so you would only drink but was on stage just during but was on stage i did i did a deal with dennis and he'll i do joints in terms of for two years too much crazy though i don't think but wasn't one having no no no no no i love that go fuck using the commercials look at their super bowl commercials it's pretty much what you think of when you're taking a shit maybe but what super bowl commercials you think about taking but like budweiser commercial commercial bud light is a first response to the say so all right i i have nothing but love for blood like there is at rock blues i think they got nothing and when he was just he kinda like made a joke who's trying to be
tribe is character you know the he's you know the heal from pro wrestling's big fucking wrestler he cela stuff doing doing smart thing you know know so he up just should have said that but he just but he just fucked but bud light was like the first big sponsor to step in and support the ufc so i'll always be a bud light fan just for that sounds ridiculous but that's a big move band for a company take a big chance like that and step in do usc usc with hiv aids sportscenter for awhile yeah i do remember hearing that shit and being like god reviews for did you guys go through that honey brown stage where i was drinking honey brown and killing isn't really one brian you always do this you always change the subject when we start talking about mma immediately what we're talking about beer too so we were but people online are gonna get angry with you every time you do that so when when i worked for jamison i work for jameson for two years did the jamieson tour me billy gardell steve burn uh michael lost its nick griffin and danny bevins andi you they
sent cases of jameson to your house every fucking month they sent cases of cases of jameson the expensive how do they expect you to drink at all and no when you got to his show jamison waiting in the green room and the rule was you had to drink jamison onstage you had to mention how good your jamison was but you can put it on the show on the show like take a step like damage good fuckin jamison like you like hey everyone hey everyone like to you had to be pro no i got no problem with that because god is pretty it's fucking good it's awesome good shit and then we get done the tour you ready for this they buy us each of acre of land in fucking and ireland on a river all of us right next to each other we a girl acre a deed and a picture wow fucking jamison was want that but you gotta build a house in violent now you can build that you can build on it can't build on it it's fucking pointless but can you camp on it you could camp on it making it a billy gardell permanent can you have a
yeah but mean about psyches so be fucking pikeys dude i've been obsessing about watching these irish travelers its own fights giving some locals i keep i keep my god they have some of the best fights dude you got up brian you gotta look this up they're boring as shit i mean most of these guys but they're tough guys and everything but there's a different style of fighting when you fight bareknuckle and you literally they stand there and punch themselves in the face yeah it's not like a street fight like you see in the states have you seen the ones they challenge each other when they challenge each other how to tell you this johnny johnny mac good for nothing that's how you are good for nothing and i cannot put balls inside of whole have tell you right now by cha our future anytime before christmas anytime before christmas video main there's a video of a pikey driving to a street they said we'll meet quotable click two president has it and then
ever knows that one between me because i tweeted it a while ago it's really hilarious but i can't find it in my twitter while the show is going on but i want to play it because it's so it's so that you want to see something really disturbing irish travellers then there were talking shit before a street fight it's even better than the actual fighting the most disturbing pikey video on there is most disturbing one everyone someone's listening that knows exactly what i'm talking about it please tweet it to joe and me and brian it is ah pikey gets what he deserves no no and it's a bunch of british school kids in a park having beers snorting coke smoking weed and a pikey will comes up and he wanted it but it's all done post its it's a recount of the british kid going so a little pikey comes up and he wants to little drink you want something i didn't do this and that well we tell cocaine but guess who just got a nose full of a special k and they cut in the pikey is fucking seizuring on the ground
it bucky sketchy it breaks your heart could you go that guy's helpless make a hole right now he's not coming out anytime soon and it's all if you if you type in are you typing pikey gets what he deserves park or something like that you'll see it fucking you just go all that shit happens that fucking happens but manuals pikey fights were test with us for awhile here's one of them brian can you find i'll tell you the name tell me when you're ready all right big joes davy joyce reply to simon oh oh shut the fuck on wait is this a vlog no it's it's they say one time big joes just been big joes davy joyce reply just type in that big who is joes david dav why joyce joy
c e reply hello sammy a senior played nor vice squeaker they call you see you later on stop stop stop raining at two things play at the same time there's two things and his him in this i'm not going on the background you hear it local thug gets what he deserves was that it was this in that bert told me to play the same time sorry is baffled i couldn't hear how horrible this one here this guys blog he but this is what's going on here there's a guy who was talk shit about him online set out of high chair i find any time with janelle at christmas then this guy came back to reply to any time between now and christmas here goes present the same you'll be sleeping with you to the hospital if you put your oppressive decide to see you you know finish if you come out and fight one million doctor squeaky years and older unison
come out and fight knows i'm i'm running by we can all do that same we also with the hands you around i have the hands come out now come out in favour times we cannot do that by first being dead yet don't be squeaky could i always take their shirts off always get seriously even when they have terrible chest you want to slow it down no place for on the rats open the site of living in the shape of your friend with the state of it i mean can i use this same equal but all you need the rat poison would be demanding ubi elevate or dollar their squeaky innocent basis get worked up we know know know quakertown sentiment it helps i mean you know look like a down so here the shirt off that triple sure body like that guys getting right now our a different foods in england i need printer back down with broken pipe fight fucker now right downstairs i'm all crazy or everyone at domino's look like this why you will
fight down time and we would end up with an fucking pasadena on my ford tennessee you want it must be well l'm a minimal this way he didn't give your brand of it caught the sweat is different left your head you hate that tight on the darts weldon isn't don't be good for that bastard it dirty good good nothing bastaja farming concert you're the best regards but the country trades i seen this happen steer them but he took his battered cuomo you say men fight i love it comes back again right there i'm your worst nightmare afar cycle sword anthony we call you shake the pocket side door bucket full week can be over with finished up in dublin there would have to trade you were cited above for movies what simon buying kristen you now or officially cheyenne
poker as well of closure to why are y'all gonna be shutting up over two weeks as well so that's what the world where is shake the bucket but we call you shy guy ok stop this real quick and we can we please do this okay listen please anyone everyone right now do their response video to this guy well i don't know those shiny but i know you and i'll fucking kick your ass who the fuck do you think you aren't like do your american take your shirt off let's see how good they can get oh fuck i want to do one tonight i want to do in the second we get done prior the camera i'm doing reply to that guy what's his name big john and i'm going to be dead fucking serious so big john season he you know he doesn't get irony he's gonna be sitting in this trailer one who the fuck on his slow modem that he's gotta fight me use these everyone could use this jawn her
i'm going to use these shirts coming off the shirt coming off is a strange move because especially i guess it's that i don't give a fuck move it's like that white rapper that i was talking about earlier who is it takes his shirt off like oh do cuban food to go with birdman i don't know but he did give a fuck his whole thing was that he didn't give a fuck with this guy basically doing the same thing he doesn't give a fuck takes his shirt off he knows he's fat i love it you know i'm pretty sure it comes off that's when the fuck does not phil baroni under there you know it's not a a young randy couture come on son what are you looking at now briony looking at every funerals bagpipes and butt holes it's like bubbles put the bagpipes pronoun there's a gentleman big john only answers big john that guy's name was guys it i'm fucking so i'm fargo davy joyce replied to selling big joe david joyce right to stymie to simon o'donnell
time and he was saying simon this whole time that's what we're saying sign mean i need some queue cards some never in america so i can try to i'll i'll i'll send it to you i'm trying to see if i can send it to you right here from my phone is going to be a way to yes god that's what's great about the internet i would ask you what your email us with them the whole world will know and if you think about changing much of black dicks in the mail i just had to pay for new mortgage g email space yeah and that's just disgusting to me disgusted from penis pictures or something out i think it's from just sitting a lot of movie files like video files and stuff like and i wish i could like just like hey let me download at all and meet like at once file right now and then erase everything right thanks because it's it's only five five bucks a year but still it's like if you stop paying it then it takes away that space that extra twenty gigs
i have a trick and then if that keeps on going that's going to be like a gas price thing an like in seventy years we're going to be paying like five thousand dollars for our gmail space i think you getting out of hand it yeah i think you might have over stretched that one google has everything for free in pricing eventually they'll control the monetary system of the world and j them they will be our overlords do really we believe that by and large i i i think it is a trick that that they make you pay for hi twenty gigs exter
a year but if you don't reach a service yeah but if they don't if you if you stop paying for it then you they just what did to delete the last year of your g email it's kind of like why should they give you so much storage that seems like the type of stories that you know why you know why they do you know why they should why because i could just make a second g email for free and a third g email in a four g mail and you telling them right now you see it is that it gets the lost being away the secrets man you don't have saying that what do you think about the latest in google phones because i've been having these google phone for this is iphone conversations again lately we stop with this it's like the sound that supposed to know exactly what would you go by your fucking phone and you know it and out and month you'll be back to the iphone i know one hundred percent you would one hundred percent what if i like looking at big pictures i want a big picture are your ipad around on the sling like he used to wear my backpack fuck joe that's the next moneymaker right there i want you come out with man like fanny packs man
fanny pack yes i got one right here we have a higher primate fanny pack torrent release never mind yeah maybe it's gotten most ridiculous one of all time back is more like a survival camp gear that it's good for cameras yeah it's tough you carry that's like a guy on the field that needs like a belt bag it's too ridiculous for a fanny pack it's a guy at work i don't know it's pretty tough i like well i you feel sexy with it although yeah i don't feel bad i think it looks so ridiculous when you're around your girl it just looks like g i joe style like it's not like when you look at fanny pack you're like all right that's just lame this to me it's like more like oh he's got a good camera and stuff in there you know what it looks like to me it looks like the big bad wolf army not now the big test both i started watching the show grimm on sundays gram gonna going to talk about your show coming out what yeah yeah i'll talk about it and are good yeah it's going to be fun it's a funny show
and everyone i talk to so fucking excited with it i don't know if there's one episode where i'm not sure if they're going to be able to air it they haven't decided yet are you serious 'cause it's so crazy so ridiculous i heard that we're doing it look i'm going to assume that the way they are filming it the with the the stunts everything is like way more over the top than before the start way bigger and it's it's it's very strangely find brands that's your fanny pack brian yeah look at that that's like a survival gear sort of thing that is a whole that is a fucking that the shooter in the field fanny you could do some serious you know what they got traveling with that though that brian you know that's a good move for the airport dude so you could film us going through the airport you're not allowed all right you know i don't know we're trying to organize a home in the airport the tsa they allow you to film we use that can the he was saying they use another camera the other cameras the seventy and it's a little more looks like a film like you just walk around with a gun in your neck and it looks like you're carrying a fucking camp
that's one of the most shocking things about traveling in europe is you realize how much more lax they are unsecured and they're much more relaxed much easier to travel there through and very you know nice and friendly and easy going it's not it's not nearly as investigative a cz when you land in america oh god you know i fucking when i flew from london l la coming out of london was a cakewalk and bookman man coming into here's the worst part is the problem you the biggest the biggest problem really was i don't war so many different outfits in amsterdam evening wise and i had so many fucking chaotic nights that i didn't know what was in what pocket and i literally packed and i was like i'm sure i'm clean but who knows who fucking knows and did they know you're coming from amsterdam no i took a train i took a train sound like flying that took a train from london to amsterdam and then a train back from dinner
it doesn't show on your know they ask where i was and i told 'em amsterdam and they said why i said vacationing and here's the kicker i had like a thirty dollars cuban cigar and i was like fuck it i'll just roll with it i'll take it home and smoking at home it's a cuban cigar but take the rapper off they'll never fucking know and i told my dad and my dad was donald plug into it to two hundred and fifty thousand dollars fine if they catch you with it well they could prove it they cannot prove it if you just stick to your guns or even say it's dominican going to fold like a cheap sheep i'll be like i'll be like the opposite of kaiser says hey guys are so they take me away i didn't mean to oh man i don't even limp it's a good cigar man why would you want to give it up to the man i had to give it up i don't fucking ruin ten grand they said alright well let you way with ten grand fucking put a dent in my family it is kind of crazy how all the rest of the world is allowed to buy cigars from cuba but not us and man it tastes so good assholes were still mad at you it by land in cuba would you buy land in cuba why
i don't know think this through overwhelming need to go to cuba and things here and if you're in so i wouldn't buy land anywhere that i wouldn't want to live what would you could you imagine what you hemingway hemingway in the 50s make your own hotel out there and have the mob come down and run everything again good old days a lot of people in cuba but long the good old days and the mob was running shit there must have been nuts man you mob run cuba in the 1950s you know when you think about like but those fuckers were into back then you know like like kennedy you know like how be like almost flaunted his friendships with all these high level celebrity entertainment figures and how all these hot chicks around him all the time talk about ruelas like lawless go to cuba right in the what fifty 60s oh my god okay let's try to think what point would they prosecute you like you could
someone totally accumulating yeah of course i want of course this guy who was guys get i don't know cuba's history enough to know who was the most corrupt it was the most corrupt before before forecast for even when castro came in technically but eddie bravo is a huge castro fan and shows joey diaz you sit down with joey diaz help break it down for you forever about cash or the good ending really yeah it's it's you know joey was born in cuba he morning cuba he was born in cuba came to came to america when i was really young shut up yeah yeah yeah joey diaz is a real that's why he doesn't really know how old he is the children around about that yeah joey diaz in chrysler have a lot in common you know you both do to be really really funny person there's like a certain level of conventionality a certain certain see if i don't give a fuck that has to be reached not everybody could reach the
you know so when the guy comes along like you and reaches it like that you like whoa he just took a fucking pill from johnny knoxville twelve shots he just did these are number one party animal for only what you know to mean like yeah they just you know to be an event that throws the conventionality after that rolling stone article there was nothing i could do i was going to get a straight job who the fuck is going to hire a guy that shit on a pizza box one election guys like that you're important man it's important it's important for people to push the i never had a i've never had a happier day in my life brian and i were driving to your house or from your house one night one day and brian and jim joe we call brian and brian and they started talking on the speakerphone on that was a comfortable 'cause you brought it up while i was in the car and i just felt like i'm eavesdropping so i just said i go hey i made of
talk i don't know if he goes hey wait guy enjoyed years i'm just what you know i'm in the calm of the car just when you know i don't like government they go and you know who's on the yeah my dick i see a let's see what it was but i can suck my dick but i listen to so much of the park and i go just very pale just enjoy i'm in the car i just want to know that and show you the is just real smooth goes i'm i see a like the machine well yeah the grate he's he yell you you and him of a lot of common speaker phones where the like that right though do you get called to let you know when you're like you have to announce it to the caller i always yeah yeah i don't want everybody i think it was a up fault i would call my wife not say the n word yeah unfortunately i already said that a previous video blog did i fucked let's get that fight video route for joe for big joe davey no let's let's shoot mine oh your video i'm ready to fucking challenging
what we be your stance that he's a dirty no good bastard no i'm going to go to assist them fighting this this is the video you told me to search for it earlier for no this isn't this thing this that's the ical five video yeah does i if you just type in pike you'll find out why so much today still but is it is it gay if you put a picture of shirtless brad pitt in fight club in you man cave so it inspires you to workout absolutely not that's what i'm talking about that movie is awesome not that doing that but i have a friend who's thinking about doing i think it's awesome anybody do you love him as the ideal build that what is it back till it looks like that why can't you do it i'm
and ryan hearts were got like a maniac i'm trying working on vegetables and i'm not a lean grass fed meat thanksgiving kind of threw a wrench in my workout legal fucking savage lift a lot of weights to trick your body into thinking that has to do this all the time i did bench press and they're going to tell the the other day in new york really out i'm high school strong strong yeah really like one thirty five i'll do that shit ten to ten times now what are you going to just touch bench commit to like a serious weight lifting program and get you lifting and running and run party ship for an hour and i'm lifting weights really push ups plank i just want my body to be i going to get my blood pressure low lower and i want i just want to be healthy i don't want to be battle man i want to live i want to look at skinny i don't look perfect but i want to look like working with the beach and go here's an active lifestyle right instead of saying like i saw the way your belt when you showed your tattoo your belt doesn't it hold your pants up it doesn't define your waistline like
does it make sense i should be saying like my belt cuts into my fat you have me to on my pubis and my stomach sometimes it did you have to put a little neosporin on it and it cuts into you corn syrup so the government escorts government corn syrup cluster all trans fats that's what it is man it's the government keeping info stupid no time in history of people have been fatter i don't think there's ever been a time in history where the model numbers of people have been fat like in this country the numbers are gigantic white fat menus get respect in the 20s when you were buster keaton your father like how did you do that that's why you were a movie store hey babe ruth arm here everybody animals like humans have a lot of money babe ruth was eating steaks and hot dogs and drinking beer and he's living high on the hog and then now you just fat you just it looks like you're poor and don't care
it looks like you just unhealthy and they have a poor diet no connection with your personality anymore such a direct connection between what you put into your body and how your body feels mount and some people just i have fresh i a buddy is on anti depressants and he eats terrable is fucking die it's awful i think it's lack of women i think like old the old days you several wife and they to cook for you like these nice nice me and stuff to me half the time i'm like ok a jack in the box is open a subway is still open you know it's more of like i'm more rushing around if i were to come home like oh you know like family dinner style you have the kitchen table and she's like i made it drawing like wow that's nice something that we've been watching too many patty duke movies like that's how i grew up that's how you go you grew up that's how i grew up i had family dinner every day we all set it well people still have family dinners bro and they were super unhealthy in a family dinner doesn't necessarily make it healthy what the real problem is is most people it's the woman in the house is what i'm saying the woman is how certainly helps men that definitely helps if you live with someone if you have kids
even you know y'all like have good food in the house you know you want to make sure everything when i lived alone like i ate out every fucking the week if i lived alone i'd be in great shape yeah when i lived alone i was just a comedian on tv show a single to me anyways in the morning some way in the afternoon everywhere really restaurants everywhere for breakfast lunch dinner i had to keep some food i want to eat when i was starving or was writing or something like that for the most part it went somewhere to eat you know why would i cook a lot of time for that shit what's the one thing you miss being single the most i don't to put it all now i don't know what it's like this every day because it was always a i had to do a song and dance to explain why that didn't go the way they thought it would
like i would never i know with bertha so sad never i never that first new pussy experience you had where you would go in and you get on top and you were like right this is going to happen really fast you know that in your head you like the whole thing i'm trying to do is make this not prolong this moment so that she thinks it's somewhat enjoyable they only good parts about being single are that you can have sex with more than one person the only bad parts of being single are that you're lonely and you're single way better to have a relationship it's way better but the numbers are our we're a wired to one i have sex with other women so it becomes life becomes am order of managing your desires and manage which ones manifest themselves into the real world because they could cause but a negative energy and their cause a lot of arguments and they can cause a lot of lonely now you got to like look at like what is the most logical plan of attack to have a happy life and what is the most logical attempt to have
a wild chaotic roller coaster ride of those chaotic now those are great man but we're standing on top of a corner of a building in new york and the suns coming up and you gotta fucking girl from liverpool next whose tongue stuck at the bottom of her mouth and she's like oh i need a more normal pack of cigarettes what time does door open that fucking shit when you find yourself fucking in a parking lot in the middle of downtown manhattan you find yourself just doing crazy shit yeah but you know ultimately it's fun but the real problem with single being singled the real problem is meeting cool people is right fucking hard man it is hard to find the real person you got to go out with them for a while you got to talk about controversial subjects you have to you know you you have to to get to gnome and know how the brain is you suffer a lot of fucking fools with my goodness you have a nickel for every night crazy talk and you know nuns i watch this kind of date once and i'll never forget this
i was they were the table next to us and the guy was talking with this girl and the girls talking about her dog and her dog is so used to the finest automobiles and mercedes is bands and you know she was like going off about her dog that if she ever tried to bring her dog in a taxi cab she doesn't think our dog would go in and out i was just telling god and i was just imagining i could you imagine if you got just stuck sitting down to this next to this fucking dummy and you're actually having this conversation and she's not being a joke being ironic not being hilarious like that could be hilarious statement you know if you if you're being a silly person just joke around she wasn't joking around she was bragging about all the scientist automobiles that her dog rides like it was just like what kind of nonsense conversation would you have with this person that's the real issue with being single as peep don't want to be single you want someone that you could spend time with but what
kinds of finding someone who's actually fucking cool it though i mean i'm i met hundred uncool people for i met cool of course and then it's also a matter of what you bring out of that person what that person brings out of you because you'll behave completely different in one relationship than another and i was i was told that guy i was bad and all my relationships she did fucking you l never was i wasn't a good guy i wasn't like i didn't listen didn't give a shit on and then when i met my wife things just changed for the better and i was like all right i remember thinking to myself i stayed single for a long time and i was like i'm the fucking problem and all all of these failed relations on the charlie sheen like well to be a bert kreischer to be the fucking party you you you know you got you gotta crack a few eggs and make an omelette you gotta piss on a dining room table every now and then fucking shit it's kind of
sometimes you gotta run before the trains and that's the only way you make a guy was as funny as you are in this this form of the podcast you know the stories is brilliant stores you have to i mean they they you you're funny on stage come from years of craft and working on it writing and performing itself but your your ability to just just tell these fucking stories you know on the podcast that's why you were created the way you've created that's why you i've been so created chaotic and insane it's to create this amazing product because diamond doesn't get made unless you have a mouth and pressing up against a piece of coal and fucking smashing the shit out
yeah for a million years that's how you make a fucking dime and you know you don't make a bert kreischer with like a normal childhood no alcohol no drugs and when they say do you want to shot you say no thanks i'm gonna get some sleep now it's only gives you a pill they give you two pills you he's going to swallow one i cannot fucking bang with the guy i gotta take one at least following one man you're not you're not completely fucking around here the best part about johnny knoxville's i ran into him at california chicken cafe one day like fucking five years later and i'm sitting there any walks in he's obviously is famous at the time he's been doing movies and he walked in i go johnny knoxville and he looked at me real criteria gringos birkir sure i went shut the fuck up and he goes the number party animal the country on what the fuck are you doing out here and i remember deity is thus fucking greatest guy and his whole fucking posse was at california chicken cafe and i was like oh i wondered about me over me thumb wanted me to do that so does he ever done stand up season he ease and he could tell story
yeah he seems like he could do stand up you should do the podcast it would be so steve o was fucking awesome there was he i didn't go in that one day he was in the ice house chronicles three i should subscribe death squad with steve o was first of all these cool is fucking with second of all his fucking experiences dude he is on a tree an a lion climbed up the tree and got on top i saw that on tv and that was the craziest thing i've ever seen in my fucking life and i tamed lions but i saw that in my way way way you did what a damned lions bert the conqueror i did yeah i was paid leave you with that no we shot it but it never aired the show got cancelled like right after that we shot that in there and then taming lions and then the show got cancelled the guy the guy tells me he goes how long ago was this is don't fucking seven years ago so i mean yes so two thousand and four so this video exist mark crow
as it somewhere i'm sure did release that shit on the internet fucking it was it was a bizarre fucking taming lions in night so you you have video of you with a full grown connected like full grown lion oh my god the full grown lions and he brings them out this mark ronan let's get ahold of him know him yeah i know mark i mean i mean i mean do you have his phone number and everything else i know more cruel who's my boss for like he did produce the x show on fx loved see that video put that video be fighting them there and getting fucking raped by a bear and then meet a man three how much money do you think if that got a million hits how much money do you think that someone would make if they had like those you two ads that we got a million hits i don't know that's a really interesting because i heard that like rebecca black chick that girl that made that friday friday so everybody should have blu ray but it like an unbelievable number of views like something like thirty five million plus means
but what's the you know who would know is what's his name john it's good leisure as well john as well but he would totally know i don't think he's going to tell you how much money is making yeah wonder man 'cause i would think that if you could make get millions of hits boy it's probably i mean spending writes that video fox owns the rights turns all exactly do do ask him to do it dvd for them to release it and put an ad on it they can make some money i don't know maybe would be worth it for them to do it that way i'm just thinking like how much for for you know this is like a million hits pay in payena you too bad i don't know i've never i have no clue and it's interesting that sort of you guys would have how much do you have any hits you get on a democratic version of television channel really when you think about it i mean you really not honestly democratic button open version of it because it's like there's guys like our friend from the message board that six kid that guy's videos have millions of hits right doesn't mean
onions millions of hits and he's got ads on those so i mean you gotta be making a few hours here and there i don't know how much it is but essentia lee like this is like one step in a multi step process of you know like exactly what we're doing here the podcast being able to make your own shit like in not need a travel channel or an nbc or anything to produce something like it so you could do it all the online and having it online is actually like reaches more people than the networks is eventually going to happen i mean how many times do you watch something in full screen on your laptop or on your desktop now like of you youtube video and you see it's like a cool definition i watch the first four episodes of pan am on my computer and i was like you photo margarita uh there's a fight that's coming up and they had that twenty four slash seven and i watched it on the hbo go if you go to hbo go on your ipad you can watch anything that's ever been on hbo anything for free wow
mike are you for real i went down why it's higher last all the fights well the all those what is twenty four seven to get h b o h b o go you have to have always here to have a h b o subscription right but you have you just log in we show like and it you can watch any labor bored to death entourage of boardwalk empire sopranos specials everyone's comedy specials anything that's on there you can watch it and i'm like how fuck showtime i have that how did send i don't have that one of the greatest you're eventually they will just hbo got there man hbo's on top of the ship because i'll put that on my ipad and go on the that sounds kind of busy but go on the cool it feels better than running better on my knees smart and you can go hard man you go hard with the elliptical or very casual and watch bored today what you do sometimes so but man it's the best dreams live my daughter's this is how crazy this is having my daughters we have we have fucking more tv's in our house then we could ever have
who in the man cave three in the in the house my daughters sit in front of the computer morning in my wife's little office and watch netflix just since the next stage we need to set up a podcast headquarters let inside bert kreischer's man cave let's do it just do it i'm installing a port bryan you've said it dries i set up please do this stop it you're gonna have to get your own guy at your own brian but will set up hang out at karaoke bars in north karaoke bars are a great place to start a lot of good sound guys go to karaoke bars get a set up so you could just podcast anytime you want so you're sitting at home you hide in your man cave at one hundred o'clock in the morning i have a couple of beers by yourself you can just start talking into a microphone just kind of ranting
usually you know life right sure you can use treatment absolutely to view usually you do it just like we're doing here i'm doing it also goes to mp three could finally have as soon as you name it let's name it would buy soon do you say you're buying is in another language as soon as the mp three recorder bro that's the one that are for years and then i'm getting a and i got a good camera right now set up it up one shot now what would we name it well yeah that's exactly what's going to say all this time the machine in the man cave that's not bad bad machine in the man cave is not fucking bad but the only thing i would think i was you would want people to be able to well what the fuck with mark i don't machine the man cave i don't know if i want people finding kreischer 'cause i don't travel channel is going to be fucking
super happy about me making another tv show i think if you just come here at this internet podcast you're not getting paid for doing it for your fans you doing it because you're an entertaining motherfucker and people want to hear you talk all the time and look what we're doing right now there's a lot of people right now that are in their cars there's a lot of people at the gym there's a lot of people that making some people taking the train into communion to new york right back out the jersey exactly womans boring as fuck it drives him nuts and you could bring a little jewel i'm doing it i'm doing it i'm doing it i'm doing a shave my man cave and i'm getting on this ship before i go back on the road in chicago there you go i'm getting on this should make it happen so the machine in his van cave i don't know i don't know don't worry but the travel channel is only going to like it because it's only going to promote your show more yeah you know it's like why would it why would it hurt so i gotta hurt bro hopefully it's just like it on facebook yeah
just yeah your online presence right now is just starting to blossom you know if you have your own podcast you'd be straight one and shit bert kreischer my right brian yeah how the fuck do it i think we should just do it here though i don't think you should do it in your man cave well you could do it you know nobody ever tried space these as well i like to be a little buzzed if i'm gonna do it sometime that's what the couches for yeah i know but when i spend the night here yeah my cat want to cut to a brian sorry girls that he's a death squad like him again you how cool that sounds do it that is a death squad that is what i tell people is as we're gonna squad with his death squad name come from you guys to call yourselves that does what the secure should ever opened this is yet ob from opie and anthony i i came the studio and it was with my friend eddie bravo brazilian jujitsu black belt first man to tab first american ever tabby gracie
so that's where i thought if i take pleasure you know two or five pound fighter from the ultimate that from the ultimate fighter i was there yeah ryan was there and he's obviously a killer filmed it so i probably don't feel yeah and so you know opie looks and he goes it's your uncle brian the death squad you know we just joking around yeah bro the test squad like just as a goof and it became now it's like one of those it's like you hear it you know you hear death squad and you go that is a douche iest most aggro dumb but to us it doesn't even have that same meaning anymore that's why the logo balances it out yeah the logo with the cat it's like when you it's like when you and your friends just the name when you and your friends heard about a douche bag saying like bro ham spring break and then use calling each other bro him as a joke and then all the sudden you start going up to the bro hymn for real yeah like program and use it with the program then the white guys those random way because you're doing it
sounds best thing ever but it's just a group of nice people it's a group of nice people that want to make you laugh i don't know that's a do she do she named it sort of balances it out otherwise would be two fay would be taken advantage of people would stop all over uh so they wouldn't do in firos bert kreischer people furious bird pressure is any message you want to give to the young people of the world what is it what have you learned in your time on this planet my friend just take half just take half yeah don't bring over no drugs just just take one decaf just take a lot of johnny johnny knoxville give him to take one that's sound advice or sound advice my advice would be pretend you're taking it spit that bitch in a glass wait a few hours if anybody dies many people die but the problem is then
when you do take it if nobody dies then unfortunately you're going to be like last one to the party you know last one to the k hole everybody would be coming out and you'll be sliding in at one time this is vaughan right after college we go but we go to strip club in living in new york we go to a strip mall he's getting married in atlanta and everyone gets ecstasy so we go to this way this bus this big fucking party bus we're going to strip clubs in the hood in the swats and it was just when out kast k along with that song everybody move to the back of the bus and they were playing on repeat and everyone took ecstasy and everyone was taken it and they gave me one and i was like i'm going to take it in the last minute when i'm not going to do it i don't want to take xc tonight i'm think i'm cool and then thirty five minutes started fucking going flipper just passing out and i was like and they were moving like going
like seizing having cnn later and they go phone everyone has had an instinct and i think that i just our members in the back of my head all that and i was just like i don't want to take actually man i'm fine i'm i was past that phase of my life knows a coming in for a tailor and see what they've given it to me and i was like i have in my hand to that could change your life we've got brain damage from that it will all my friends now or forget stockbrokers and the rain down inside those spots before the corruption that has led to the downfall of this great economy the whole not democrat sure but yeah i did i dodged a bullet make your contribution to the world burke crusher by american cars you buy american have afford out there for you and talking sync that shit i really would let go all american what what are you driving today my bmw have a ford what was my favorite car my most silly my favorite car but next
standing to get is a hard top the the ragtop freaks me out the fact just fucking meat i just hit you in the head with our time our deep odds of that happening are very slim i just know it also feels like it's about that you know it's like i have it's also a hard top well it'll lessen the blow tom segura is tom zagora per month alright it's out of my fucking car hold on why is your car on it was my not on i'm on speakerphone hey you're on the joe rogan podcast with joe rogan tommy burns tommy buns wanna talk about that guy
because you got a problem with that guy nothing buns would it where you at where you at nearby pasadena come say hi now i'm in i'm in i'm not where you at guys would do it right now we're alive right now yeah tommy i'm gonna tell about the time i shaved your underarms shave this under eye all right i love you bye we were in hawaii doing gigs under tom's hair tom so harry his hair connects his underarms to his chest and i was
and i got a san diego time you can't let that happen i'm so glad you brought this up because i want you to tell me what you told me last night is that cool can you tell me last night with those guys said but the guy said about like with the reason why you were happy that russell peters wasn't there when you guys were shooting guns yes yes yes yes yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah tell that story so what so let's also does it for the so we do me tom and russell peters do a gig for the for the us so for the military in pearl harbor are buddy charlie books it is this all down russell's brothers there russell's a great guy love russell and i love his brother even more if i could take a one person to death that would be his brother his brother clayton is got the best giggle in the world and just get mass ratio sandwiches it was him think about it a little bit so we get here in russellville know russell's definitely a big like he's a big name and he doesn't he
he's there to do the show he's also there for vacation with his chick and his brother and his wife and there having a good time and they wanted to hang out but there's like a list of things that they kind of wanted us to do one of them is like sample firearms like go shoot firearms and and like do this like thing where these people come in the in the screen and you gotta shoot him and russell i want to shit so we're like or like alright to me tom charlie and all our wives go out to do this like simulate somewhere it's war were all have guns we all fucking there's a big thing up and we get out there and more like manner which was sold come this is really cool and toms again i know and then the guy comes he's like alright the simulation starting in thirty seconds if it's brown and it moves you kill it and we were like well thank god russell didn't come 'cause he would not have enjoyed this k hold that impression is amazing give me that impression again alright then star in thirty seconds if it's brown and it moves you kill it god damn that sounds like nick nolte and it's my
ten years ago still robust oh man i have it's the craziest shit ever so just so we were joking around about killing brandon and then brian and then scott time and i just kind of blow it off like that i was fucked up god russell wouldn't hear that work late because they're both very brown so so then we go to do the show and i go up first and it's like i kind of do okay but i'm hosting a little bit tom's younger a comedy at the time so he's gonna go second cause it's a little easier of a spot he goes second he opens with a joke like they say don't make alliance tom's opening joke was while i was living is a really slow down here they that's what they told me i don't know they're talking about your metabolism as well these people are fat like that's his opening joke right yeah so uh so then russell goes on stage and tom and i realized for the first time we put the dots together that these people have been trained to kill brown people and they just have a brown person headlining on stage and then i'll see they're not seeing the nuances of indian versus iraqi they're just seeing brown
you can hear the murmur of the crowd is like for as a wise this guy here why what only a white like in in their heads yeah tom and i was just like little and then what about black eyes black is very different than brown right today i mean i'm looking i'm also with verizon with a black guys having what are they saying we wish we had a boo no i don't like i there were a lot of black guys to be honest with you it was a lot of white guys yet was means pearl harbor we weren't in like the thick of it it was a lot of officers was the navy like and i'm also i'm also putting words in the mouths of people who aren't allowed to talk right now so i don't want you to think i'm a i'm from pearl harbor i don't have a problem with brown people but i'm telling you where this was the heat of the war and this is what me and tom experience yeah no just tell the truth and it was like fuck and then the next day they were like you're never coming back then charlie last night gig was a really cool gig
for like a week but so during this gig so so you could go to hawaii for a week and do how many shows one joe two shows you used to do two shows one in like the mess hall for the guys and they could be dirty as you wanted to dio and then one in um and then one for like that was on stage and like dog the bounty hunter would come out like a wave to everybody so did they cancel it because russell was brown they i think i think they said they cancel it because tom and i were dirty but we weren't really dirty you know like we were just when we didn't like curse at all i think they just they just canceled it you can't curse it was also a new you couldn't curse at all how to create but knowing cursed know curse did you imagine the idea that you are they can send you to war they can arm you with guns and tell you you're supposed to kill these people but you can't hear anybody swear
at a comedy show i mean it was as a military man that's pretty much like their thing they don't ever let people curse on their shows remember i read a a louis c k article that he had on his blog about going to overseas to entertain the troops in about a one time he kind of got dirty a show any apologize afterwards to but he's just like i couldn't help it they were love it they were yeah crazy and you know you couldn't help it it is one of the chain though yeah i wanted them to be to be laughing but yeah i guess they they do a lot of censorship yeah we keep you from really doing your full lacked but the first night there we got me and tom get there does not russell's not there's just me and tom are wise and tom and i proceeded to pissed drunk in on the beach and then we go up to his room i don't know my wife falls asleep with me tom and christina push a caller in the in his room and tom has his shirt off and he's in his chest here connects from his armpits to his death tommy let me short shape in that shape up for you
david so it looks like you have breasts so you look more muscular and he goes you think that'll work i'm like yeah we're both really drunk so i shave a line right the line here and i give him a very well defined armpit hair that looks like a fucking mustache and then and then i shave all this well it looks like it looks yeah tongue out pictures it looks like his tits wearing a tensor wearing a mask about to commit a robbery and this looks like fucking two tents going ooh no one knows who we are well folks we need you to harass tom cigar on twitter and tell him to put these pictures online we need to see these pictures yeah he's got him he posted on i think in his facebook to be honest with you going to put it on your mom's house he's a great god he's really as well love funniest fucking guys so did you want to talk about that situation you had or no fifty five minutes and perfect in that situation out there i mean i don't know i mean i don't know why
as you say i mean it's i you know i don't know how to do it so weird on that sock about it would you would you say but what i say if i was you well no no no no no i it's a i don't know if i saw bieber at a grocery store i would also get a hard on you're talking about no no no no no listen i don't want to force you anything so we just end this thing right here seriously
we're gonna end anyway we have five minutes for the the power goes off this is a three hour podcast already and in three hours you stream cuts it off then it becomes to separate hunks it gets annoying jay mohr and i've been very incestuous i would say with this tracy morgan story j as admittedly on his podcast said he told about that happened to him and he did it he he does distinctly regrets have you ever having told on opie and anthony that happen to him he started telling it that happen to me and at the time that he told that happened about me i didn't i was like aw that makes me feel like whatever i do it was a story i never wanted told under one told because i i don't know traci i don't hi i'm telling you i'm so it's a something i never wanted show i wanted behind the scenes that whenever good mitad berg story i thought it would be one of those you know and and i'll be a good story that we tell at comedy clubs and right yeah and it was it was it was a lot of those a lot alike yeah i got a great out on george story this is a
one hundred stories yourself australia and so j started timer on stage and then started telling instead of happened to him i talked to him on his podcast about it and he distinctly said i'm done telling it i'm never going to tell it again i don't want to tell it in a more it's my wife thought it was a bad idea the first time i told it and then and then what happened was we went to amsterdam and gary finkel gary garfinkel the vp of showtime said to me in front of a bunch of comics your bird from the tracy morgan story jay tells on a special which falcon is like doing lunch meat in front of lions like they've everyone's like what do you mean what do you mean and then i two fold protective of friend i was concerned that he had taped it for a special and i was like it's going to make this fucking sociopath ik you can't do that but he
i talked to him today and he said you know he did did he did taper for special but he told it that it happen to me which you know is is a very it's still weird middle ground some you know i tell your story but still your life still you're dead it will still your yes all my doors and we told him the reason why was funny the first place because you told him he laughed at and then you repeat what you said yeah it's your story the the invents in i mean that these you know whether it's you know look every story is not exactly the events in character in you know in order in absolute order it's there's a an art to telling the story yeah and that's what you're really good at you're really good at not just telling stories with telling them with economy of words and setting them up correctly and and and building it right to a big ending and that's what you did in that
it's not just a story okay because you didn't tell that story is if you know it was your connecting the dots man walks on land man finds plant manager you didn't do that what you did as you told it in a theatric way and he just simply repeated that okay that's not telling someone story that's stealing someone's bit yeah it's you know it's all right brian i think so absolutely if i told you a story of something that was rude it was saying like had him it's like that's why that's a real story that's like and i got high let's all gonna stop doing i saw somebody hit on the highway and die you know like the brains splattered out i talk about a long time ago on a podcast it was like one of the biggest crazy things that ever happen to me if i told that story to joe and then joe star doing it originally as it happened to him on stage to begin with immediately that would piss me off so fucking hard and then the fact that you've taught
i'm already i think that would even the make it even a thousand times worse i think that i think that in this in this worst case scenario that i thought that if this is you know but i think he's taken here did ran at the fact that the the the story is structured in a funny way you know you told him a story the structured in a funny way it is not simply a bunch of facts just put together in a time you told it to him in a in an entertaining way do you know the the out of though all this that happened i think the best best of the worst case scenario is that he did he does tell it on a special way i mean i you know he does tell on a special that it happened to me so in a weird way i get yeah it's the last four or something like well how yeah that's i mean it's pretty easy for me to do yeah it's it's j yeah well it's i'm doesn't wanna not do 'cause it's too good yeah yeah it's stupid
and it's written out how you set it to him is not like he did not put the words in the story you told him only the only the only fair thing to do is have j on the podcast and let him tell his side of the story i don't know i mean or not or act like like exactly how we acted like before we just don't fucking talk to the guy or you don't have anything to do with that guy i don't be a part of i don't want be part of of the an attack john jay at all because i never i mean it's as much as i should have been a fucking grown raised i should've been a grown man at the very beginning if i wasn't comfortable with what was being that happened i should have grown romantic stood up and said i don't like this make it stop right now that's what i should have done you're right and in essence i i i didn't and so and so what is happening is exactly report you so i die i allowed this but hey i loud whatever is happening to happen it's and it's as much by my fault as it is anyone's did you
a bad bad relationship you need a break up yeah that's what what's like maybe you do you need to go baby is that what's going on does he kiss you on the belly does he make you do things you don't want to what do they do there's a secret are you molested we're going to turn down the line we run out of time yet brian huskey says yes the time i don't want to go over good well we're over on itunes but we have about seven minutes on you string i'm being molested no he's to run means what that might work better than the use of thing that
tom and i had a conversation about last night yeah and that nice and i you know it's it it is behavior if if in fact i should take responsibility for everything my eagle was inflamed the first time he told me he said that it happened to me my ego is inflamed and i loved it because it made me feel good it made me feel like i was a real comic that i had a really fucking thing and then i thought that was word would end i didn't you know obviously we said this i says tracy morgan feel about this i don't want fucking to find out because here's the worst part
i never wanted tracy the reason i never told it so i didn't want fucking tracy to go folk bird christ why'd you tell that story why you know why you can't keep that to yourself yeah you know i have kids i'm ah you know that's the fucking worst part of it is i mean i think tracy i doubt he remembers that night in the slightest but i don't know how he died i don't know how we act it's hopefully you know here's the worst part is i told it i told the story to a bunch of comics in cincinnati with tony woods tony was one of my good friends who used to party all the time and tony was there that night and tony and you know
you tell stories so much in the store going how much of this is true like you just end up getting hitting the beach your store right right right and you like it yeah like what we did what we and so i said to tony ago i'm gonna tell the story again i go meant step in at any point and tell me where i'm straying off from the exact truth and he was like okay told all whole story verbatim and tony it at the only point the corrected as he thought tracy said more before he said that after you get out of paying the check he thought that he's like no trees instead of me was like check this out like you and give a little bit of a monologue which i just i just got oh so you said a few more things like he stood up and he was like yeah yeah and then and then as we left you change that to like somebody else like alan thicke or something it's your story dude sure story period that's disturbing but it's depressing
isn't it yeah there's a great podcast i'm glad we ended on that but i had a great time it's important man it is as much this is important for you to not let people step on you for him to not step on people you know he he knows i think he knows everything that he did wrong in that transportation i know that you were a little bit weak and i was weak and it's so so if anyone is to fall as much as fault not me i'm a little bit you got him step on you yeah so letter so it is it's completely it is something that if i want to have a productive life is a comic i fucking pass it maybe people here that story and they go who the fucks bird chrysler in their research me on his after a special i think that's going to do more damage to him then it's going to benefit him he's a great story he's a funny really funny generate your story like that it makes him seem illegitimate really really mean he's got he's better than that it doesn't need to do that he does know his whole act is good he's a solid comic
a funny guy and i just need to do that one bit that one bit discredits him in a way that's unfortunate and unnecessary and unfortunately it really truly it's going to find out how much more does that big killed then as of the rest of this material great that's he does a really does a really is dynamite yeah you know if you know it's almost excusable just because the morgan impression is so fucking good really fucking good i mean you even you read the chat threads on youtube is like you could do that with anybody though man he does a great colin quinn and he's a great impression as he the best he's in my opinion one of the most underappreciated a precious amongst comedians his colin quinn is on the fucking button and it's really funny he is like funny shit he says you guys back no no no no love you i'm never to fuckin man you can't you can't not be honest getting you gotta express' the positives and negatives the whole ball of wax it's not
his and he would agree i would venture to say even though you would probably if he was saying this table agree with everything were saying to a large point and i think his wife is nick is a lot like you in the sense that the first time he told that on up in anthony as if it happened him she was like you're up you can't do that you can't say that happen to you you don't have to you don't have to it's not necessarily you know mark twain once said i always tell the truth that way you don't have to remember anything and it's a smart thing yeah smart way to be you know people forgive you for the truth what they don't forgive his horse because then they they got dammit it's tough enough communicating with people of noises that you make with your mouth you know that we we you know we we would that we attach to
bunch of meaning it's it's difficult it's difficult to do when i find out the you're making artificial noises you're faking it you're saying things that aren't true all your bull me or you know you're you're representing yourself in any way with where i feel like now i can get in on this read from you yeah now our communications all horse because you just have this this impression that you want to put out you know want me to know the real you know what you want to put out this impression and you want me to respond in a positive way to fill up your in securities okay that's not what it's supposed to be all about that's why when you were talking about your machine story and you were saying could you imagine if that machines to have somebody came up to goes to you go everywhere you go people yell out the machine yeah i mean he i have a t shirt of two of them let's say the machine has your face on it yeah could you imagine if that wasn't a real story it would it would north it happen to somebody else it would crush crush me no no right if
someone found out that that was a that was entirely fabricated like i would fuckin no one would ever listen to a word that's the only reason the only reason i i ever was hesitant about ever telling tracy morgan story in the first place because all it took was tracy morgan one time saying that never happened and my entire credentials as a comic for the rest of my life were done with no matter me and tony would start on a soapbox and watching that's where part like charlie i disagree and i think everybody would believe you who yeah maybe maybe i don't know yeah you know how people view tracy morgan does not remember i remember when i was a young comic in new york saying i had a story that was this it was it was based off of a bit that i had heard the music and i like it the way they tag the song i just wrote this bit with this story involved in the tag was this song from an outcast lyric and it was great it was fucking great in this fucking guy came up to me and he goes that is one of the best stories i've ever heard it has ed it has ego it has everything that's beautiful about a story you've got
tell me is it true and i looked at him and i wanted credit and i went no i fucking made it up you looked at me like i told him closing out the clothes in the ass and i was like i was like number one i will never fucking make up as i will never make up like a fucking fabricated that is you just it just you just don't have anything fucking put your head on the end that you put your head on the pillow in the end of the night you go all i got or whatever happened to me however i fucking tell it however i craft it and present it in less you tell a story that you wrote and made up and then go i just made that up that didn't really happen oh yeah i've done that before plenty of times yeah there's nothing wrong with that thing for common comic relief as long as you're not trying to mislead people long as you're only doing it for your intention is to fucking entertain that's what my job is a fucking comedians a fucking comedian good god yeah follow him on twitter it's burt crusher b e r t k r e i s c h e r holla at your boy
and follow him online at bird bird bird there's some sort of a sale today but apparently there's no fucking sailor cyber monday sale and bert bert bert dot com by his shirt i prefer the thin one i have both heather everyone rocks the heather it's very nice it makes me feel sexy i like it's a light fit it's like a summer breeze thank you for the flashlight for sponsoring our podcasts and if you go to joerogan dot net and click on the link for the flashlight entering the code name rogan you will get fifteen percent off the number one thousand six hundred and twenty one man my favourites as we've done so far dude you're the best i love my favorite one we've had we also sponsored by onnit dot com oh an it today is monday feb or twenty eight and it is cyber monday twenty five percent off everything when you put in the code word cyber other than that after today enter the code a road and get ten percent off your album bring go get yourself to move new mood get your get together bitches we love you we appreciate you were all in this shit together we got a lot of
people this week i do that live we're going to have adam curry to adam curry you communicated to us through your podcast we communicate back you're the man who created the pod asked we would love to have your own shut up yeah holler from the member yes i'd sort of like to prevent tv yeah we've got twitter people are putting this in motion that real pot for the people i don't have your name were you did this that my one gentleman i was communicating with thank you sir all right i love you we'll see tomorrow right
Transcript generated on 2019-10-04.