Date: 12-21-2010The raw audio from the Joe Rogan weekly live USTREAM video show with and .
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
The Joe Rogan experience start really good with this Sparta's devoid of attractiveness, it's just noise. Coming out your mouth son, Caden cutie.
Beginning was really interesting. I I it but then that whole whiny part in the middle wasn't feeling that that shit YO just got to hijack is that what it was you think so yeah he can handle this week. Do you think that, because you're too high, maybe John Heffron. Are you too high? I am not high at all, don't watt! I know I see what you doing. Are you doing start corporate gigs right now? No, I'm not I'm literally, not. How is that possible I think I'm immune, I immune to marijuana, I think so, I've. Never, like you know, was in college and stuff like that. I would I would waste it. We see people get high off of hitter two. When I go, I just I just wasted bag and I'm not. I don't think breathe in properly or you would just tell us about eating it I've only I'm a big tank is I'm not fan of coughing and I'm not a fan of that act. 'cause. I think to die every time. So do in just I eat it, which is because they literally
I do I do I get a music lost in the music before we go any further sponsored by this podcast to sponsored by the less flashlight. Go to rogaine dot net and click on the link and save fifteen percent that we have a real sponsor have to like really pay attention. You know, we need to do it. Those is actually put a battery in them for an actual light because in especially in this pc, my loads glowing through yeah, but you know where that is even if it's hidden, you know where that is, and if your power goes out in your house, you could probably get to that quicker than a legitimate flashlight. Because last night you have a draw in your loop, this you know if it's underneath some books underneath the couch you know exactly where to go. To get very good point. I have no idea where any my flashlight right, but you know where that is a door. That is that's so true. That's a good point. Dude! You know that We might be a legit product. You might actually be able to sell that to them.
Yeah, I'm going to bring that up with the flashlight people, an emergency flashlights on the back, but people worry about shooting loads and then getting battery acid on their dick. You know like something breaks and you get battery acid, just sprays out all over your balls, but there's less of a chance of getting battery acid. There then actually thrown into some chick you meet in Vegas. You probably have a better chance of having something wrong: go down with the random shake them battery acid, really You think so. Do you think a random chick is scarier than sticking your dick in some sort of a machine that makes light out of a battery Jesus Christ, man, the was laissez faire. How lack the Gore Relax circle unit? Your balls man, you will see the test you're buying your batteries with the city. Sickly, probably there's a better chance of getting some from a random check, then to get battery acid on yes, statistically, but that's because to disagree over the years a lot of people been random checks. Not so many who's been been sticking Dixon, dicks and battery holes, not that we know that we know
yeah, there's gotta be some guy in a couple girls, you know a couple girls. They got battery acid J J from from vibrators yeah right 'cause. It's not the same thing. Have you ever attempted rape? Well? Well? Well, you tell the truth. There was long time ago there was this girl. I used to date back in high school, that used to have this vibrator. That was like she stole from her mom, whose mom stole it from him. It was the grossest vibrator ever it was so cheap and plastic. Looking one time I was looking at it was like you have the dirty as vibrator, because we had like that with this white powder, all around the dog worried the battery was on the right side of it in in I look. And it was just a blown up. You know like those old batteries where the acid just goes everywhere, because I never turn it on, though, and I'm like, but look at this white stuff, all around it. Oh my god that white stuff is eating up our snap, probably I mean like how horrible sees battery asked if there was a pawn star show where dude brought in that would be funny. I would watch it. This is viber,
I've had in my family for like three generations, my Gramma had it and then I'd have to bring that expert out to test it be attempted dildo tester, and this is a good quality. This was I've always touched at bat, pass it by mistake, and then you know, like you, take an old, remote control. You, like God, Damn knees batteries and you pull it out and you always look at your hands like am I really supposed to be doing this or better than nice car someday sex toys will be like they will be like antiques, that are fascinating, like if you find some wall bone dildo from the Fucking French Alps, that used to be in neanderthals. That's of just letting shit man to us. That's really interesting yeah. I guarantee you, like flashlights and shit someday. Those things are going to be like a big point of novelty when they have, like you know, 3d holograms that suck your dick when they have some. You know what I mean they have some crazy shit. It's going to be just a new. Experience an artificial XP
required in your brain or MIKE or robots like it's a lotion that you put in your and like all these little baby microscopic robots are formed a vibrate certain ways and you can just use your iphones like Nano hurried up the volume of the the vibration my vagina jail. You know, I don't think it's going to be that complicated fucking. Microscopic robots inside your, I wouldn't trust them in their what if they decide not to leave and you get some sort of a yeast infection or what yeah they start freaking out here, I race in the star just what they won't turn on you at first, the the be a friend's everything be perfect and then that's when you turn- and I just think it's better ways to get off you to stick robots in your pussy assist me, though man, I'm old school, I'm simple when it comes to shit. If you hear my voice, you like damn Joe, you saw, I got a cold, I still do have a fucking call. This is so disappointing. I've had a cold for over a week. Now this is uh longest longest, cold. I've had in years, man me and John are about to get this cold.
What is the forecast for you when you get this cold? It's going to come about like next Thursday you're going start getting. The sniffles means that okay for yeah by next Thursday yeah that's 'cause. I've had two weeks vitamin c and sleeping everything, yeah We get a being on stage in New York, where you New York Gotham, when new use on New year's Eve and Gotham Gotham's a great club. I love that place. I love it because of the security guys that are there. Everybody is cool. There is all the employees yeah. Those guys just have a certain kind of coolness from people are kind of being do share their former cops yeah they go and they do this move where they just put their hand on the guys, shoulder they don't say a word and then you just walk away and then that guy doesn't he doesn't get mad. Like other clubs, where you know it's great a shoulder, move sort of like a Spock thing kind of I'm, not the only one here notice, I'm in a suit, and so are these other guys and we probably all have weapons
all in one little one little one little. That's a god. Damn pro one little yeah, that's a great club, it is it is. I love that club without clothes backdrop to in any class I think just you know it's not all bad. I think in the law walking to that club stand up to the special there, or did he yeah yeah, it is Showtime special there and really interesting background. Like mirrors in the background, remember it like a reflex enough examples like ed in 80s, dance club, it looked like, did it yeah, it looks like a couple of idea. I thought I thought it was just unusual. I didn't think it looked like an 80s dance club. So remind me of like a one nighter you to to do where the you, the I like that. It's small though I like that that it's intimate like that would be the way to go when you film, in a special mean everybody wants to do like a big, crazy, special at theater and I've done that, but it doesn't see it's not the same kind of show. As the club show, the club shows a different show:
I definitely is both fun are both different, like the laughs and the big theaters are way bigger, because there's so many people just when you get on a roll, it gets pretty fucking crazy, but at a theater there's for me, there's like a little bit of a Well want you just can't see the people, so it's not we're doing on purpose. You just have so many lights. You just said you're literally looking out into the dark going. Well hope! staring at people, but you can't tell yeah. It feels very strange: it feels almost like, like sort of an artificial show, feel like a fake show. You know it's weird: they could go in there and they feel just like a regular show, have had giant places that feel like a regular show. Sometimes just 'cause. The mood is right: it's like it works out and or you're at a small club, that's in the He somewhere that has a hundred people in that show feels like those shows are crazy. I did your your your favorite. Michigan Ann Arbor, comedy showcase. That's where I started. That's a great place first place over what we were there for
the UFC, and this place is like an hour away from where the UFC was, but I mean cigar did, shows there and fuck was a great club, perfect size. It's like two hundred and fifty seat feels like a comedy club you're in a basement. And the feeling you can literally touch without even extending your arms, almost there's something about those rooms, man, those timit rooms when you're on stage- and it all- is connecting and everyone's having a good time and the material is just coming out smooth and everyone's laughing. It's like man, it's like some crazy energy! Why? I think it's the same. If you ever walk into the an older house that was built along, you know an older house in in neighborhood, there's an energy about it, then you walk into somebody's house who lives in one of those prefab new subdivisions and it's a different energy. I think it's the same thing when you feel It's been lived in opposed to comedy club at mall, where it does have that same whatever. That thing is yeah.
I mean I guess you could recreate that if we just had a real good environment but you're right, all the new spots like even new cool spots, just open up in LA like wow, what a great cool spot, even if it feels cool, there's something missing those those older club is like the comedy works in Denver, Denver and also in the basement. Exactly is there's a theme. Is it just photos? Punch I just checked my photos, maybe you're just like how I got so much head shots in my this is my place. Has a long history totally donor talk my totally be store talk. I absolutely, but you know, there's people that believe there's certain like scholars that actually a proposed the concept that everything has a type of memory. You know Rupert Sheldrakes, thing is an evolutionary biologist. I think that's what he does, but he had this concept that everything has memory like tables and chairs. They all have some sort of memory. Your head in your table, having memories feel like God, damn it look at that tables member.
Well, they carry like assert the a certain weight of their experience. Although the environment they've been around the idea is that when you're, giving off bad energy or good energy, anything that's going on, like things around. You pick it up. That's why go to mean the ideas hold more total hippie talk but if you go to someone's house- and they look really cool like the whole house- feels cool yet feels like friendly, you know and if you ever go antique shopping, it's kind of creepy and it's not just like looking at regular furniture you're going through that that was owned by somebody it's probably dead. Then you get to a box of old photos of people's like wedding photos and stuff that are just you know, there's no kids, they took him, you know sort of just miscellaneous people's photos from like the twenties and stuff I'll buy a couple and just like look at him and like draw mustaches on and throwing away and stuff, but they're only like twenty five. You should go there, go to an antique store, find the box of old photos. It's freaky! That's all had wow yeah old pictures are weird man, the idea that they just captured some person. You know
We were so connected today that just the concept of the way people lived in like the late eighteen, the early nineteen hundreds like that so alien to us just idea. So when you see a photo of someone from like some fucking dude is trying to make it across the country. With his kids you know from the wild west from like one thousand. Eight hundred and sixty five and you see a photo that dude and you like what the fuck look at that guy. Like that. Guy was just he was almost some sort of an animal, you know- I mean no fucking cell phone- note cable. What did he learn some shit in school? What did they even know then? Did they know anything? I mean there were one step removed from thinking that people would get in a boat and fall off the face of the earth. These mother fuckers that came I hear those the settlers like Jesus when you see a photo of them and their family all hard. Looking people out there in the woods and you knew it.
Actually, there probably got fucking scalp by Indians like wow. That's a crazy ass picture. Could you imagine if somehow or another you got fucking transported back, time and you had to live in the old cowboy days. No fuck only the prostitutes would be good. I think I think that we clean prostitutes. Are you kidding Maine, you can nothing was clean, no pregnant, all regular girls smelled like dirty prostitutes. Back then, yeah yeah forget about processes, powdered, wigs kind of be disgusting. Those women must been just rancid. Just have smelled. Like animals all just found this. No one shaving their legs they're barely see time they're eating dirt. Sandwiches, everyday they're out there in the fucking dust taking bass, I wonder what they're like entertain tonight or extra would like they had the gossip about random crap. They didn't know that they were missing the internet. They didn't know that they were missing. You know stuff because it in exist in their head, so they weren't, so
so they all had to just socially was just my only rep is there like tombstone when they go to that dance yeah they go to the middle. Your call number and then played the pool and they would like get mad at each other and said member Kevin Coster, and why and yeah but I guess you're just complain about like boyhood these, these that have you seen these new horseless carriages, they're not going to you know. I guess you have those guys, the haters in the home. I don't think the horses carriage came around for awhile and I was like I'm factually gonna be off on a lot of it: yeah exactly a lifetime to link a pedia anything better off by a whole generation or three, but how many years is officially a generation 'cause. I always like to think of it as lifetimes. I don't think generations are too fucking confusing you know what, how many? How many years do you fall into? You know it's ten, because he always new names for the new. Is it but then trying to look my dad's yeah. I think so it's officially here. This is
definitely officially a new generation, because people will always talk to me about someone who have no idea who the fuck they are and they like I should know this person. Is famous singer? Some famous you know rapper, whatever the hell. It is yeah, I'm at that age, where you, whatever band, is on like a late night talk show about it, yeah yeah. I used to go all cool these guys in there and like to know anybody yeah? I don't know anybody, crazy. I watch you know dancing with the stars like who is this watch? Who is this guy watching episode the other day. Why did I dancing Joe? Oh? No, I don't like did dance for those that that are coming to the movie and I kind of got the little dancing Vance Delivery Day. I got a no matter that the rhythm Hatcham don't run him caught that right, it was hard. Dancing is difficult again. It's v e requires a lot of focus like what we had to do. I forget what it's called some spanish thing, but it's
a big fucking serious. Like bullfighting, fucking dance, it's like they like throw their chest forward after their arms back dude who, like was texting, punch out the dude who was like teaching me how to do the mail moves. Was this dude was like this badass dancer and I'm like. You know. This is like something really hard to do that you get like zero credit, for you know dude don't give a fuck that you're in really good dancer. You know they like part of them is like yeah man. That's awesome, man wow, you incredible incredible! Then part of them was like. Why the are you all spending all your time doing this? What do in fruitcake? Just spinning around the music that that should together it's weird that guy. Turn all those dance moves and bring public hundreds of moves within a song. But then we give a lot of credit to a basketball guy. Who can you go over here, post out and then turn to the that's all enemy right? Well, there and one ones something to fun. I mean, I guess, look there's something to all of it: there's something the fund dancing and then something to this essay
some sort of a visual performing arts everything it's definitely a different experience, but it's a lot of fun work. I have ballroom dance, one two and three in college, it's a lot of work and the final result is not interesting to me. Not. I dated a girl who was like a big dance instructor at the Brown Derby here in town yeah. Whenever I first moved to La- and she taught all ballroom dances and then we went to some club that just played normal music cheating to dance and she No, I don't know it had to be one too thirty. Four, two thousand three hundred and twelve like sure, bang, some crazy, robot broad, but but you think, yeah because she knew eighteen SA dance that you know we get on the dance floor. You know here and you know you guys love I love it
You know we didn't talk about. We weren't talking about where we're going to have our second chance promise awkward moment ever is when they see like in Vegas about five dudes hanging out together and there's no girls, narrow and they're getting a couple of drinks in him and they start sort of like how dancing yeah. They can't like totally commit to dancing so like little go through like half the moves, like I'm, not really into focus this music, but it doesn't make me move that much a little move will give a little move here and there you know, but they can't like dance with each other. They could only move just a minimal amount. You can't get crazy now you can just be in front of each other gyrating hips you not allowed to do that to dudes girls can get together. Dance all they want, but dude you can only sort of half dance. I said guarded by myself, yeah sometimes sometimes to go out by yourself to clubs
first moved to la idea, really what I would go on the dance floor by myself. My go to something wrong with your brain need to go to a doctor, eight a I did at first, it's a little bit of first union to get the guys that are like look at that. What's the guy doing you kind of do it, but then you get the girls that come over to you, because the like the guy, whose then yeah. I've done a lot of work. Yeah, it's it'll, Gotti, it's a little is a very good. It's a gutsy move not always worked on today, a failed on you! Don't no probably more times than but but it just takes that one time you know just that one time dude can take criticism or rejection. Rather, some dudes are fine. With that. I have a friend he would he would hit on every girl that he was an ugly guy ugly, Annie FAT, but he didn't give a fuck who would swing swing at every pitch and uh,
we'll never know, step away that. We know that us because Comic yeah, that's what I want to give up on the air. Yeah yeah I've owned you, you do mine either, but you can't go to bars with that. Guy could dedicate speech it's too much too much, and then those are always the guys to. Let people know your comic right. They they there's a whole bunch of comics that are that way, so they go up to the bouncer. They hey we're. The comics at Chuck Hutton, the bouncer usually like. I don't care Israel is in a little. What you want is for you to get there. They want the girls to be impressed. It's back, it's brutal when you with a dude, where you know there's no way if you go somewhere and there's a check that he's not going to hit on there and it's not you get annoying and it's not going to get embarrassing yeah. Those guys are brutal. Where you know it's like ok, I can hang out with you anymore 'cause. If I hang out with you and we go somewhere, you look immediately just everything that moves the first fucking the waitress it comes over. I think she's going to look at a target and the next thing you know it's all about this fucking waitress and him getting this, which is number in like whoa. I can't you just have
Lunch fucking weirdo? And then they don't come to your table anymore 'cause. They don't want to deal with you and then exactly exactly and it 'cause. It works every 30th time they fuckin just want to put in those numbers, man, those crazy dudes they just want to put in those numbers and if you're around me like, oh great now, yeah it's fucking dizzy, mistress man. It's a shitty feeling I would Well, the move. When I was by myself, I would go up to girls and say my friends left me. Can I dance why you so I don't look like I'm dancing by myself and then then you dance, but here's here's the trick, young guys, here's the thing you have to commit to that, and you don't talk to those girls. You can I better and then what's ladies? Then you ignore them. Oh ok and then the cooler one of the group will then kind of come over and go you can then then they'll, let you into the circle if you're, not completely hideous in embarrassing him key, is, is not to give him attention after you do that little move while
and then now you're the hurt animal in the forest, you're the bird with a broken wing and be one nurturing girl in that group. That'll bring you in, but I just go up there. Sarah Laker moves. Ladies. I just want you to just stop and think about how fucking gross man are. Have you heard of brothers, I started stop for a second think of how gross men aren't how fucking, how much effort you put into creating the perfect environment where they think you're, a nice guy or interesting Bing or mysterious or cute or whatever the fuck you're doing how much of most guys. Everyday focus is just to try to get girls to like them. Ninety four what percent of the day draya dragons off for, like Fucking Brian, has no loads left. How much
masturbation and girls he's got no loads. Left he's got no time for your bullshit yeah white fucking around John Wayne fucking around. So girls get stupid with his like. I have no loads for you, you're dancing plan. Could you just need to get out the fat you spend too much time with that dancing plan and what is your dance, Brian just go up and go hey. My producer given what you produce here I'll play the already hi hi. So so a oh wow! What do you do? What do you produce? What you do, I'm like an actress or wait tables right now, but I went on this call back, I'm pretty sure it's going to work or do say hey, you got Facebook. What do you use yeah, oh my god. I shouldn't give this to you, but alright I'll do it here. Let me type it in for you, but what's your passcode? tell you what I'm gonna remember this okay kids to want to do to what? What can you say that louder, all right,
alright, see I'm just going turn on your mobile me right here and location services. Alright, cool cool in here! Alright cool there there's my face wow? She just style, stunna dumb check, so I the fuck is magic. I'm dating a wizard. You remember that girl used to date a time ago Jessica. The first thing I said to her was she was playing with her ipod and we're all out to dinner, and I go hey. Let me re fragment your ipod She goes. Why is it running slow and I'm like memory fragment for you and I took in the night, stuff, like there should be running a lot faster. Now I didn't know you could do that. What's your name, that's how we so what did you actually do? You did nothing now. I just kind of forget it
It was shitty taste in music. She has mother fucker. All these Bob Seger songs, like a rock I was strong, is that could be like to come from that commercial and your dance is from the commercial. That's where I know it from DEC. I was a bad mother, Fucker back in the day certain certain dudes when the well is dry it they. They, they music is like so different. You know like perfect examples. Billy call Billy Joel's, like one of the biggest turnarounds ever from like a guy, was like this young guy who had the these really passionate lyrics, and it was really interesting, like songs that really like move due to uptown girl right she's been living in that just something happens where they just hit the Fucking rocks weather love. It's too much love. You know, I'm saying or too much: hot chicks, sex. You know
they've got it all. Now it's like this passion and the anger. It's not there anymore, because now they're banging supermodels and they drive in fuck, Ferraris and living in mansions, so where's all wears all. That struggle, you know, what's tricky your struggle? John struggle yeah right now? What would have been struggling with lately he's got many struggles that you can't talk about the air Brian. We both know this. I have my roof is leaking. Your roof is leaking yeah, that's a big shot. I gotta speak. What's better, your roof leaking or the roof is on fire. Fucking roof is on leaking. We don't need no water. Have you heard the new Eminem song with Little Wayne little Waynes already make it songs, fuck it you just got outta jail week ago, yeah and he's got like three videos make me feel lazy, together a lot of work? Yeah Eminem has some lyrics in this one that are awesome. What's his name? Will Jim
yeah he's a sausage maker from Chicago Jim Little Wayne What is it? I don't wait? Lil Wayne with it's called no love. Lil Wayne is a sign of the times. My favorite new Eminem Lyric is I'm going to stop being mean when Aquaman drowns and he the flame swims. That's not good line. That's not that good. Why can't one word yeah? and so it's Eminem and who else little Wayne Little Wayne and both of them are really mad. They're man, He will come in. Never really mad. This is a brand new song. Just came out. Well, yes, everybody here, is Eminem and little Wayne.
Is that you know who is that with the sample my life bitch, but you know nothing about that in hell and I can show you how comes into I'm smoking sour marriage game broken vows. That's why my bars full of broken bottles and my night stands are full of open Bible. I think about more than I forget, but you expected not sweat, and these know whoa come on just try to keep him coming down a bracing prison talk, money outweighing problems on the triple bean, I'm sticking to the script. You skip it on that guy right, I'm gonna send me caught him. I hope this gets better soon. I know what's coming up
Good everybody's got their own taste man, but here comes in wait and I have been in my home. Entire life can see people's ears perk up beginning this with a little bit sickening most sits. They say that competition is stiff, but I get a hot chick from the sick. Now stick it. I never even end up getting it costs into the wind, complete freedom. Look at these travelers have a treat so much when I joined up with. We don't call me a freak because I like to spit on these policies for these back cocksucker, so stay with us when you to finish in a minute get back months. Locker is gonna, go back to the lab tonight and without them we're gonna start over France and find work, but I'm afraid I'm gonna make no difference with Thio crank that back.
Yeah, you can be hard. It's from the depot guarded. The gamer so started their black color. When I'm not even the harshest, you can still get rusty. Scott Martin's death penalty looked upon the from attack from not gonna sign off. Staying off my book, not fully power. That means about top of my game in its own sound to my hip, to live with yourself good to campaign 'cause. It any become for you to sound cocky anymore people just get sick 'cause. It's been his horse race through the AAA drop anymore and you can never break my stride. Never felt the momentum at any moment about the blood. Never take my pride one thousand o'clock from in a mini palm images in Dallas mercy. Mark my words. They might not remember the smell God, given how women super fabrics needed. Help on your window. Law is made that bad mother fucker
Here's where I am last Christmas, that Willow's Eminem no world and then there's a bad mother- I don't this album is- is called recover. It's awesome, I think probably one of his best he's got such an unusual flow. You know what, if he's he's? Never not pumps me up with that like, even if I don't then like wait what what he said. Yes, it's really his right. It's like that's his ship yeah! You know it's like he's. He's the real original way of making shit rap and rhyme or making shrimp, and when he, he that flow man, it's like it's so compelling yeah, but I have to do, is a code and less yeah. It's driving me crazy, but when Eminem came on my god damn this dude is a mass. I wonder here in that type of music that just to meet is jazzy just wanted hidden stuff, how many people Ik UFC walk in you in their bedroom. They grown adults. Lake? What when, when the music's playing the kind of you know you kind of get in that little hopping yeah. I do it to be honest, you do it
you. Do it when you pretend to walk out like you're, about to walk into a fight. That would be a really funny scene in a movie dude having a fake walk out to a fight because I got this thing when I'm ironing before show where, after you want to I put in music and then a my ring and then that kicks in and then before you know it, you got something wrong with you, don't go to the doctor, so it's twice. I think you got to go to a brain doctor son going to just by yourself. That was when I was like twenty something I don't want to go to karaoke with and then standing in front of a mirror. Pretending like big, John Mccarthy's, fucking checking your cup yeah fucking weirdo. I do do the Tito Ortiz Hop, sometimes that when sounds like in your house by yourself like when I'm ironing, and when I get jazz by the music you get fire and then your kind of those boxer briefs the guy you kind of like the fight shorts. So you go through stages where you get in the martial arts training and you do it for a while. You do a problem, a golfer for a while. You did you for a for a while. What are you doing you doing anything
I've been doing this. I think she's, an Ex porn, chicks, workout body rock, go to body rock dot tv. I tell you it's your new thing, shake wait! No! You have check out this website and see how hard to work out so I'm sure we'll get a engine, people good fun. You know those just step cabins on the road about is those things are hard to ship them. I've been doing in shape girl. Lately, it's like these ribbons and sticks. It's an exercise thing. It really helps me out my cat. She doesn't like what the fuck are. You talking everything they get in shape girl? What does it get in shape girl? I used to be in this exercise thing for kids in the 80s with ribbons and sticks, which is kind of funny that they can have women's only gyms but they'll bitch. If you try to have a men's only gym you can have like a men's only gym. You can have curves and shit like that women women go go you can't even boxing gyms women go to boxing gym, so I think
you have to have a male and female locker room or bathroom. Actually, you could have a co because they do that in Hollywood they have a coed which is horrible, because then I have to go in there after dudes take giant stinky yeah I'd like that sub separate yeah. You should have stopped separate. You don't want to spend my shed hooker Joe you should you should bring a guy only gym and cutting it occurs, call it like bulges or something like balls, bulges, hair balls, doing the body rock dot tv you have to check it out. Fellas! I do, even though you know you getting paid for this. This is sponsoring your website 'cause. It is I'll throw up in your lap one hundred percent, but you should see the girl who's on there. That's why I'm trying to give you guys there now is filled with hot chicks. You could look at him anytime, you want in the internet, you have to workout to them and then then I going through a phase. I'm like there's a jujitsu place right across the street from where at literally it where I live. Ok, you have to go and it
right there and like we will go, and then I saw a video, some guy doing reverse arms. Ac or something I'm like. Maybe I'll just do digits. I go in phases where, like I just don't want anybody punching me anymore. Well, the Jujitsu thing the good thing about that is that you don't have to do striking, and but you have to worry about you get hit anyway, you're always going to get hit you're going to get head Bob, so yeah slammed and you accidentally it just things always get hit, but it's not the thing that impressed me when I was doing this guy jitsu There's a guys in there. There was like six thousand and sixty five and probably more way more flexible than Maine or containing young guy's. Only that's cool thing about rolling around like that is the older you get. You never have to leave it your game like slow down a little bit, but it's a very technical, martial arts, very technical, like I roll a lot of times with guys who are way way lighter than me and weaker than me, and yet they can still tap me. You know this there's not too many sports like that. Where someone who's,
bigger, stronger, faster, more add Well, then, you and yet you could still contain them. You know I mean if you're playing football and even if you're like there's no one on one football or one basketball. Even if you're, like you, know fairly talented if a dude is very fast and very athletic, and much quicker and stronger than you he's, probably going to fuck with you, it's probably gonna fuck you up, but in Jujitsu it's amazing what like a light person can do to a big, strong heavy person. There's our friend Felicia Felicia. Oh, do you know Felicia Shoes Vo wanted John Jacques Machado's black belt, yeah yeah, that's she's a great person and she's. Really, you know an excellent like legit black belt. Well, this guy Seymore butts. You know who is the I used to have that tv show. I forget what it was. It was. Showtime show always goes demos now quit the Showtime show about him, something about him anyway. He wanted episode where he learned, jujitsu and then rolled with a girl. So he came to Eddie's class
he learns all these moves learned. An armbar Islam's triangle is, and they gave me a couple of private lessons and then he rolls with Felicia on camera and just commences to strangle him in every way she perform. She wants to she armbars him triangles and takes his back. I mean she just fuck this dude? I had no chance, it was like just uh the total mangling she mangled him and I think they put very little of it if any of it on the television show. He didn't want to be embarrassed, but he stopped doing it so see Adele. I was think about Gigi you or either knife getting or let's be realistic, came fighting that get you top all that go to chase you jitsu man. What did I just give you an inspirational speech about? One hundred and thirty pound woman strangling a male pornstar death if she fought him to the death, she would've once he'd, be a dead man and should be standing over him howling with his fucking head in her hand, she fucking finished him when that be cool,
like a chinese star, my class to become really good at it to make it like a like a boomerang. We can just extra yeah when someone pulls out a gun. This is Jesus Christ, one acted good, it a cannon bolts and no this, but you need to get a sling in Iraq. 'cause. That's well David killed Goliath, but it looks good throwing knives. If you got really good at it, you beat a gun, it's heavy! There sharp carried done. You couldn't beat it done. You could know you could if you got so good, you could hit the guy right in the vein. In his mind, is a superhero you being not come on fucking God, damn good, now, you're, just making up rules, silly dude that is pulled up I'll show you all right all chest and fill you full bowl a whole show you guys. One day this is the kick ass. Three bread band returns. What's wrong with you boy what I want to know. What is wrong with you? It's it's pretty
smart! If you think about it, I mean, if you it's a nice with the five corners right star of night, you got to keep them in a pouch, so don't stab! You know it when you go to get him out this way, rather, first thing on the side of the million in there yeah I sewers- and I saw like you know, thought this through yeah Elle, Puckle Chinese STAR and, like Black Belt magazine, you can get yeah. Yes, I have a few. Iran wants to be a character in the Spider Man comic book. If you did not, you did not order Chinese star yeah, I don't really bad and that now have you don't get it they're all that are in such a way, better they're way better yeah. But if you get pulled over with a gun, it's a little bit different. We got pulled over with once yeah. You know the differences you can have a license for a gun,
get a hold of her chinese stars like what the Jenny showers are legal yeah, that sort of are they? Yes, I don't know by ninety stars at the mall. Okay is that right? So I don't need to some loss to those three. Ninety stars: no there's no laws. I don't think so. Really in California, these are what you're in Ohio. I know there was an and I I've been looking at chinese star either way. They're gonna think there's some wrong. Well, you can't have it in your pocket because that would be a concealed weapon yeah. But if you have a big clear guys it bag of like you go to the airport is going to the use of my chinese stars. I do like this ninja, but you're kind of a poor ninja, so yeah you have to keep it in a zip, lock bag. You know he don't really. You didn't have all the cool ninja stuff. You got problems kid both both of you together make dual let's go to the brain doctor? Do you think bats are really that much worse than taking showers like if you were to take a bath everyday and scrub every day? Do you think it's worse? I mean
hundred times better right. Well, the problem with bass is that you're in the same God, damn what it is. I never heard in resident rinse off right if you took a bath and then took a quick shower afterwards, that's the move, but lying in your own filth, you just it's like Pootie! That's what it's like. It's like butt hole, t yeah, it's hot water, your butt hole, your balls! All that is all run your face now and you dunk your head under now. It's on your forehead. It's all but hole and balls t that's what it is and soap and dirt and skin? It's too have. You ever meet those girls that only take bass. They need to clean their pussy butter, that's gross! I don't wanna smell your feet either you need to take god damn shower. I cooker it's two one thousand and ten, almost eleven get you together, John you in check and check this out. I went to the get out of the washing machine the other day at best buy. This shows you how bad best buy has been getting lately lately I've been going to best buy in looking at Like Kodak Camp there's, this camcorder that'd off Amazon Amazon for like hundred hundred seventy five dollars right and I notice
they always have it there for two hundred and fifty dollars, and I'm like. Why is that such a price difference than Amazon, to get a washing machine yesterday ninety nine five hundred and ninety nine dollars. I was about to pay for it, but then I read Lezard the price tag thing on: what does that mean red lasers that application. Where summary it scans the UPC code and shows you, how do you do it? It's an application on your Iphone. What do you do you take a photo yeah? Well, you pull it out and opens it and pointed towards the UPC symbol and it scans it and find any local places that has this product any online places and gives you all the information about whatever product you're scanning. So I'm about to this game like I want this washing machine, five, five hundred and ninety nine dollars, fine, whatever it's a good washing machine and I scan right at the last second, it was two hundred and ninety nine at Sears, an free shipping, so they were like oh well price match that they gave me free shipping and at the washing machine half off do they have to
price match that that's one of their policies, best buy price, matches everything and then just last week, the internet, no, no, it has to be uh, will retail around a local retailer, but they also just drop their fees like when best buy was notorious every time you bought something, and then you return it. They always charge you like ten percent. Fifteen percent restocking fees the other day. They just stop that. So there's no more restocking fees, they're trying to compete with sign and stuff. But then you see these products later, a like how the are you yeah? That's fifty percent! More than Sears, you think they're, just hoping the nobody notices exactly exactly well back in the day when these with the say where it will give you the guaranteed, they knew nobody was going to check that was probably safe, but now that you have phones and you can go okay- I'm a pull up right now. That's incredibly got it. Just a red taxing, see things like that alone, make the Iphone any even droid. You can do that with yeah yeah yeah. I mean this is like some falcons. Futuristic man getting that's incredible yeah! You can take a photo of that the price tag it scans it and finds those
fucking objects in local markets, and so in reviews, and every amazing between that and the fucking that Shazam Shit when you're at a restaurant and you press that thing and it picks up the song and tells you what song is, let you buy this song, let you watch it. Youtube instantly. 'cause, you, young kids, you didn't know what it's like, where you'd have to walk into record place or cd place and go up to the guy. You just have the What song goes that was the number to imagine and with that Eminem Song, not being able to figure out what it is going to a cd stone GO did when he goes. I was another month or so and then he will come over here. No, do it again to this guy as well. Remember the places where you could go where you could sample them. I don't know what what was virgin virgin
It was virgin, you would go and you put headphones on and they would have this specific cd and you'd be listening to tracks, so you would always be waiting like God, damn I can't get in one of these fucking headphones. All these greedy people keep listening to every song, so some would just stand there for hours. They were standing for hours just listening to album after album 'cause. They had them all up there available to listen to and that's how you do if she was any good, so you take one thing about taking a chance in the CD. Let me listen to it. You go up to the station, listen to it, yeah, which shows you how long ago, no no yeah we're talking less than ten years. Not even probably you talk about a fuck Business has been trance, I I don't know if this is a true fact, but talk about a business has been transformed. I was Looking on the OMG facts on Twitter and it said that ninety percent of all music is downloaded illegally crazy. I buy everything.
Thing that I get yes, but you make good money, you're, you're, successful, I'm going to know if you were hurting, I could see the justification mean. I could totally see it. If you're broke you're, a fan of something I totally get it man. I think it's a greatest fuck area. I don't think it's simple every cause. It's stealing. I don't think it. I think it's ones and zeros and it's out there and I think that when people can, to support you. They will support you and that kind of support, I think, is more valuable, voluntary support. Then people who just can't fucking afford to support you financially, but they still like what you're doing I see it both ways. I totally see the pirates point of view and I totally see the artist point of view. I don't think it's a cut and dry issue man. What you're doing is you're you're giving out information. You know you're giving out whether it's books or movies, or it's they enjoy it they're going to support it if they can they're they're going to support it. You know,
it'll be like an even proposition. You know when people can support you and do support you. Well, then, that I spent money because fan you know and, like you gave him some legit shit and he went to support you and to me is a way better exchange. Then he took a chance on it and like it, and you got his money anyway. I don't want that money. You know, I want the money where you know what the fuck it right. You know I mean, but it's not like for capitalism. Is not the best strategy, you know unless you do a lot of people just got to figure out new ways of working. I mean that's what you know back in the day. That's what Dane Cook did with his first album right here. Put it on the internet, gave it away for free and that's why everybody in that age bracket at that time, right when MP threes come out, you had Dane Cook stuff on there 'cause he gay so and then look happy. I see there's a big difference between us as comics and music, the music industry, the music it he's basically nonexistent. It's gutted
they've lost, so many jobs and so much money for us. He putting my stuff on online, I'm a fucking comic. I go on stage and I talk you know, I'm saying it's just me. I wrote it. I said I put it all together and performed it one thousand times over the year and then there. It is. You know it's like there's such a big difference between that that, as as a piece of performance and music, whereas you've got producers and you've got all these fucking people that are involved in it. The band you've got all the drummer you get. The guy writes the music got the go what's the lyrics, they all have to go together. They got agents, they all have separate agency of separate managers and then there's a fucking record producer production company. That actually actually put my behind this and advertise them and build up an image for them and get them on all these television shows and there's a fucking machine behind this round and that machine just got its supply to money, cut off it like somehow or another, there's a giant leak in their barrel there barrel barrel of that they had forever. I mean they had they never
record industry would go away. Jesus Christ, everybody's been pimpin artists forever. From the Elvis days Beatles. The raw stones, you name it. People got rich as fuck car for sale in them and now that she has changed, it's changed. Radical is why the record industry's coming back, they're, bringing back LP's at you know best buy. I saw they have a bunch of LP's you, know record discs yeah, because that's something you know, even if you still you're buying something up right with the music and you don't. People have record, is a novelty yeah. It's a novelty to have to look at like D Aunt word D aunt became famous entirely through the internet. They don't need anybody else, they don't need anybody else when they have a giant loyal fan, base already and grow, all the time every day when people are passing their videos around pass their songs around they could fuck in may their own shit, if they had a backer, they had someone to print up there, there's their shit and sell it and then
arrange a deal with Itunes arrange a deal with. You know: Amazon, DOT, com and all those other places that sell it online. They don't need anybody. Well, you could do a new business yeah, especially even your comic. You could, literally with some small technique. Do you record your thing and have it up on Itunes in a day or two? I wonder what the numbers on itunes are, though, I wonder like what like a really good selling. Like you know, CD, he is on Itunes, probably they sell. I was listening to us. If it's ninety percent, you know yeah train, Talking on a radio show, and they were saying that I thing is: let's say you like some band and you have to buy the whole album, and then that would make you album sales. But now if you only like the one song people are just going to get in the on songs, you're, not really selling a lot of valuable good. That's because a lot of your songs that wack it's fuck son, you need to get back to the drawing board, gets stronger hash before you put out your shit, yeah
man. How many times have you gotten cds in the past and where it was like? There was like a couple of jam and songs, and there was some songs looks like they just slap that bitch together to fill to most of 'em. The worst is when there was that one that one band had a great song that hit and most of the time their whole cd was just awful songs. Yeah, there's over that, I found the time ice cream castles their only album. It cuz. I was born today time there five songs on that album. I think back in, like I paid full money for that when I was that age in their only get five songs, there's less than twenty minutes bro. Fine Morris day and the time cool, because I'm cool, dude and ice cream Castles Morristown time cool. This is one of my favorite songs. When I was a kid I love them. Birthday. I was always sad when Morris Day just did not get the recognition. I felt you deserved to me who is Matt aging personality and is very interest. I, like the I just holds the mirror. Jerome Jesse
Don't you better listen to this shit? This is from what year is this baby? I have no idea I gotta put on my NASA space goggles for this. This great welcome to the desolate club coming up on come stage. One stage you'll start chocolate song, hey this, isn't the right song dude like the intro, their cells and say cool. This is not the right song. The time the walk is the name of the school W J to get you guys want there. It is bro this on one of my all time, favorites can't trick. No, not not the live version. Please don't do it other yeah go back and do it to me here we could we tried it no by the shit on Itunes, web Jesus boy
I'm not hate. Is that station that all the music's on now is that video or whatever that's on you tube video, and they make you watch commercials here. It is give me some of our This is probably like what is it like, eighty three or some shit, all this basic basic feel like eight thousand one hundred and eighty one fourteen years old? to in Malibu the majesty, It's got everything bro everything he's got everything I my toes perfume money buy me smelling like a rose,
you just once wait it's just braggin! That's the whole song is just a bad motherfucker. You just don't get it just. Let me know everywhere, Pippen to take his hand out of his home, that doesn't that doesn't ring right. Heaven knows it and Theo days. That is the the narcissist song. It's a good one,
greatest narcissist song. Perhaps ever, although a little bit earlier, we were talking about three guys sent around on dance floor. They can't really commit, but during that song we were those three guys out dance right in front of a giant scared. You got the wrong My brown wearing a NASA suit would fuck it space goggles on you, don't think I'll dance Friday which, by the way we were discussing before when people probably should have to wear those. From now on. I'm aware of this in my Fanny pack, that's going to move around the airport right people know where am I you get? I think, like you look like you work for the airport or something you could This is the fashion statement is where Bro, I travels not like it's not like official government wearing this stage from now on, just where NASA shit just think. You only wore that for your life, you never have to worry about ever finding anything else to wear it just that yeah, but I don't wanna be that guy dude. I don't want to be space, one thousand nine hundred and ninety nine.
Trying to sell me down that road, John Heffron. I want to wear a fucking jumpsuit. I don't want to work in an aviation plant I know what did you guys get, though? Did you get ice cream to grow we're from NASA? We work three NASA the whole time reason. I've been asked questioning the moon landings. I am an agent of disinformation, I'm I'm here to make doubters look foolish to read to yeah. I just work in human resources, but yeah Wendy's directories believe it or not easier to keep me in line make sure I don't see anything serious. I get a little bit crazy when I did that wacky tobaccy inside me, and they don't want to represent the company and a bunch of web, mostly sexual harassment, but yeah for him.
About Black Cocker, hey his eyes, eight, nine! Okay, I don't think it's sexual harassment, but for him whatever he gets nervous, that's got to happen once in space right. Do you think sexual harassment space in that, if the car back women go home and I would like to file a complaint- we are up there. If there was one camera that this the Astros didn't know about, and then you know we get back to earth and everybody They bring me to room. You want explain what the fuck. This is all about: their all weightless sucking cock flight. Just spinning around the air blowing each other I mean have you ever had sex experiments up there, they had I'm sure it was a lot of records, but Russians did it. The guys are anything station right, probably can't help themselves the day those wild animals they're, probably up there just trying to right now it was probably a pick up move hey I this one's off the record, but was
do sexual experiment today. You know what honestly now that you brought this up. I seem to remember that there was like some sort of a debate on this recently about where they were talking about people having sexual relations in space. I'm going to have to they should have think that was an issue? It should have a birth in space that be bad ass, could you know: do that? Would not poop everywhere jump in weightless yeah yeah, I'm going to be like better than giving good for the kid there's no way you can have a kid in high altitude. Nearby. We had to get out of the mountains mountains above boulder because my wife is pregnant. Imagine being in fucking space sex band aboard the international space station, they have banned sex. You can forget joining the two hundred mile high club
check out the massive commander Allen, Poindexter told a reporter about the concert who asked about the consequences. If astronauts boldly went where probably know others have been okay, what is a in you window? You bj politician that sexual intercourse is not permitted aboard the International space station. We are professionals. Poindexter said we treat each other with respect and we have a great working relationship. Personal relationships are not an issue, he explained, we don't have them and we won't. Well, what are you going to do when people go into space for like six months at the time? That's the thing if they have side to like. May I wish this year. So what is it fun, although some vision, the footloose guy of the space, to be no dancing to be no sex and dancing on this?
I got base stations for you with the way I look at it. That Galaxy comes to hear we're so we're technically not on the seat. He says I'm dudes. If you got dudes in a spaceship and their travel in six months to Mars, they might start boning each other. I got news for you. Six months is a long ass time. Those scientists might crack I think I think I would be fine with six months you would be. I think we, both some friends. That would not be. Like when we are at someone. So much jerking me off. Just tell us right now before we go any further is no big deal how much how long he only gave its on earth but not technically, not on earth. You chose your own rules and you pretend you're making butter and I close my eyes and pretend you're a girl that you if man like Chimpanzee Hand, girls, a girl's, your calloused fucking, thick fat, fingered knuckles as they bump over my cock Joe we talked about this in the so it's illegal. By the way. That's the thing
sex, is banned aboard the International space station. So we answer our own question. So if you're, the two people that that you do have sex, then is there. Third, that's going to be the snitch. Probably one thing is not get that land in the government's going to sack tomorrow. Yeah, let's see so gosh locker yeah, I mean Poindexter. This guys names point Dexter coincidence I think not all or if you did it, that would be the biggest story ever yeah. If I said well, why is why is a sex in space illegal, some fucking poindexter? You can't tell me what I can do space. That sounds like really like is brazilians. If we had brazilians in space, they would just start fucking. They won't even ask didn't even ask questions, say: well, it's outside of the bags. We have to get the data press in English. Your first doing a note. Just banging did you know astronauts Camp bourbon space astronauts cannot burp in space, and why is that? I don't know. I guess the fact, though, really it's not physically possible. It's not physically possible. You can't be good to stay
space her. That cannot be good for you when you're at zero altitude. Apparently it plays all sorts of havoc with your bones, like your bones, get real brittle and shit. They get like you know they get thin and you lose all your muscle because you're not resisting you know it's like come down to earth. It's like you're, all fucked up man, it's like, like you been in bed for a year. You know it's pretty crazy, like you have to like cover. It takes a long ass time to recover. Can imagine you know you can't cry on space properly, so how the is there ever going to have it so that people can go? I mean what's the longest, that that a person's been a space station is like a year. Have they done a year up there by themselves who's on the longest things No, I have no idea we should find how are they going to because, like when you see like shows like Battlestar, Galactica and shit people traveling across the galaxy? It's like a cool, it's like a mall, it's like it's make gravity. Do you make fake gravity and on those ship is that possible? Can they do that? Can you make gravity they make fake gravity just that fake gravity with the jets. You know where free fall
yeah or is that's fake, no gravity right right? Do it backwards? Would you just did like the temperature in the house, so you can like go it's little much gravity here, a little too less and there's a dial just on the wall. That Kurt can just So turn up and people float a little bit easier, skip question. That is not good. It was a good question, both me and Brian Billick wow. What a good question you're you're taking credit for something that was not that hello. Did you know Venus? Is the only planet that rotates clockwise holy shit check this dude out this guy been up there for seven hundred and forty eight days. Whoa. I bet he's crazy. Oh no cumulative time in space ever car counts. I think there's guys did the I'm off to space station left him up there there another country, yeah 'cause, it's not what the space shuttle does is go up and give those guys
like a mountain? Well yeah, they leave him up there for a few months. It's gonna be so hard. I mean I've been in gas stations in middle of the country where dudes, I think, are equally as trapped. Well, they don't move around much up there either. You know, there's not a lot of room, it's not. You know, you're like a hotel room in the sky, like no you're in like these fucking tubes, happens. If you go, thousands of microbes are you can you know, there's there was one there was an issue where they were talking about having a gun on board and whether they should have a gun on that issue with some should look up. That too what are all the crazy youtube? Commentators or just astronauts that have gone crazy up in space, is being assholes 'cause there fuck this video space station crew can access a gun yeah. I have a gun up there, man, they have a gun up there in case anybody goes looney case. Some dude goes like fucking event horizon and pulls his eyeballs out starts screaming latin at you.
You ever see that moving now they went into, they went through some fucking worm hall and it's like some futuristic science fiction, horror movie and with the dude from Jurassic Park. I forget his name, but it's kind of fun, it's kind of stupid fun. You know stupid, fun, space, horror movie and he he goes naughty gathered gun? Did you see that video of that cop that this guy was Robin like a cvs cop, comes in just to get something in the standing behind him and then realizes what he's doing? If you know, I think it's new where is that it's gonna break? Here's the deal with the gun, the Russians have the gun among them every. This is how it goes on the spacey. Every spacecraft carry survival gear for crash landing and the russian sues O by using. I don't know how to say that Suize who Suez has a kit that includes a gun. Russians leave it to
Russians. There's smart man like why fuck around Blinger Gun, we have a gun in a kettle bell. If you don't need it, you have it, but that then to need it and not have it. The gun has been there for as long as space station has been in orbit, its existence has been kept secret. Nasa and russian officials won't talk publicly about it. Huh, that's funny! You can't talk about the fact that people might go crazy because then you plant that little seed out there and then they could possibly go crazy. It's very tricky right! No, all right! That's not! You know you gotta be tricky man, you don't want to. You want to plant the seed. You want to say everyone who's done. This mission has found it. Invigoratingly come back and write a book, and anyhow years of claustrophobia were really gone by the first couple of pre frame number voice of all the view is so spectacular. I guarantee you you're just going to have a smile on your face all day,
don't forget to take pictures you there and then there you are in day two you like. Oh, my god, I'm stuck up here for a six months gun what up down closet gun in o'clock in this chinese guy keeps fucking with a guy. I want to kill what these chopsticks don't forget about the gun walking years, there's a gun on this, but there is gonna make sure that all bullet only goes through him know him not through not hull, the them all. How do you shoot? gun in space one. If you blow a hole through the wall, doesn't everything explode, I mean? Are you going like fucking three thousand miles an hour or something crazy? That's what I think when you're on an airplane can, if you should have done in an airplane. Yes, you know what else Give me crazy, but the space station my seat up there I go. Wouldn't you think constantly that you're going to get hit by a meteor and asteroid. I guess there's a lot of stuff up there dude. I would be fucking freak. I mean if they figured out how to avoid it. I don't think there's been an instance where anybody's got hurt, but if you look at the right and you see like shooting stars, those are fucking.
This rocks from not not get hit by that stuff that one just on thruster, just like a video game, we go ahead. Come they don't see those things until their weight? It's still it's way too late in the darkness of space. You don't see things like you can lookout for it. You know in little ones, micrometeors there like little fucking great, the sand that will go right through metal. You know How do you not get it, but I don't know I don't know how they avoid that somehow or another, maybe just roll the ice and hope is going to be okay, but if they got caught sort of meteorite shower and it just hit the right spot like oh man, nothing can get fucked up. And they don't have like force fields, no yeah force I thought the idea of us getting wiped out by a meteor seems so alien seems impossible. Bolt seems so stupid like to even bring it up is like you think you really worried that people would get wiped out by a meteor impact or an asteroid impact.
Really. Does that really bother you that much? But then you know that it's happened like all these times throughout the history of the earth like. Why? Wouldn't we be thinking, but why the fuck do we think they were immune to all the shit? That is definitely happened before right. You know we just keep it's really going to be fine or about meteors. Come on man in one sense is true: you can't live your life worrying about meteors 'cause, then you waste your whole life and you're, an old man on your deathbed going fuck not a single medium and then you die, and then here you know any good god I could've had a God Damn Party, if I just ignore those meteors, but that's like with everything anyone that focuses their time on that is ridiculous. Like did you see that story of that lady was just driving with her own family and, like the car in front of her, like hit a pot pot hole that they fixed but didn't fix it all the way, and so, when the car in front of it hits it made the concrete fly off, it went right through the windshield of the car behind him, just woman, a smashed gone and she died.
Instantly. And it's like that's like a meteor. You know if you're worrying about a meteor, the same thing would happened. You just be just you know: why would you be so concerned about meteors killing you? You know when any Can you that's some strong logic there, Brian, the way you said that well, yeah. I mean I mean I'm not really worried about me here, so I don't think anybody I mean be or could be right. You can't really you can't even intellectual as that's what I'm saying it's like the idea So alien to us, it seems like fiction, it seems ridiculous, even though it's absolutely true will probably be hit by Mexico before we be hit by a meteor. I think the aliens are coming first before anything happens, they're coming to save us, John F, John Ef Ronnie, you believe in aliens I would say yes, there's gotta, be can't, I think it's we can see only once we most likely, but do you think they've ever been here? I would like to think so
no, no I mean you watch all the pyramid stuff, and then you see people try creating okay. How was that or that doesn't mean that the the most likely scenario for the pyramids- not that, if you, if you go into it, the most likely scenario which is really fascinating, is that they were incredibly incredibly advanced civilization and it somehow another they fell from that high level of advancement and and became. You know rather ordinary, which is how Egypt is now. You know that's what's more and that's a actually even more fasting, that it was a team by human beings and if something happened, whether it's you know people just kept, I mean my joke that I still act? Is that all this, the dumb people out with more people now know smart people left in this one. It would there be it's with her chin of keeping up with the Kardashians was because maybe something like that happened and then said they were going to be. This super smart race then Bam the Hasselhoff blooming keeping up with the Kardashians. Those type of shows, that's those shows are just a symptom there. A of the rock under the.
Their version of that, like maybe there was a guy who stood in front of a calling cropping season super some things and people listen to him, and then they stop. I think most likely the Egyptians were super advanced, but they were advanced in a completely different direction than were advanced. You know: we've spent all this time you working on computers and working on tech, Knology and working on. You know the ability to split the atom. Clear power and all this crazy shit I They spent a lot of their their science and their ideas on studying the cosmos, and they had all these wacky ideas about the afterlife and the hue body and there they were fascinating. As far as like their ability to make objects and construct things that were so much more advanced than anybody else near.
Anybody else anywhere else in the world. They were making these incredible incredible. Fucking structures like the great pyramid, two million three hundred thousand stones- means some people think they poured him with concrete and they made concrete out of some people, think they were cut whatever the they did. I mean the fact that anybody was able to do that. It east a few one thousand years ago, when would they think of one thousand five hundred BC, but there's some other people like John Anthony West? That think that you know the oldest part of Egypt is even older than that, but there's structures that they found under the sand that predate even even the construction of the great that are these amazing. You know stone structures and the idea is that there was a civilization there, thousands and thousands and thousands of years ago, maybe even thirty thousand years, a really super advanced civilization and that there was a these all over the world, but some shit happened. Some shit went down whether it's a meteor or whether it's you know some crazy soup volcano or some massive fucking disease that killed everybody.
The weird thing is you're from Detroit right. The weird thing is: when civilizations fall apart, it does not take long for the fucking earth to take back the land you Detroit, it mean, has a huge issue. Now, with first of all bears some of the outlying cities, the outline towns, I have started moving into towns because there's so few houses, because the houses broken down and all these houses there's like a website that was dedicated to it. All these houses were trees, are growing the fucking the floor and the porch is getting eaten up by trees. It's like the nature. Just taken over that shit over in a couple of decades, not even yeah, nothing Have you tried it's not even a scary city in the sense that there's a lot of people there, it's so ghost town E. You can go for its subdivision cuz. They were trying to do a lot of that urban farm, or they were just going to blow up subdivisions and start putting green houses and going, let's just start growing stuff in the middle of the city wow.
Going gonna turn it back into the country. That's what they're doing? How nutty is that yeah like bourbon there's so few people there that that's like? Actually, a legit move, yeah yeah tear down houses and build huge greenhouses, and just do it right now, because now they can do that with soil and they can just or that's why, if the when we were there, I spot when we for the well. That would definitely help them. You know just going on When we were there for the UFC, they said it's thirty, three percent unemployment rate in Detroit now thirty three percent, that's insane one out of teen shows you what those auto jobs throughout one auto job. Did you know it's amazing one out of three is unemployed for you guys one of those out of work, that's amazing! And when you go there such it's such a weird, vibe, obviously so that everybody has that mentality. Everybody just feels, like all my you know, my whole family and everyone. I went to high school with in college. All has that been beat on mentality like doom,
still way better off than third world countries. You know if everybody just moved in together and you know and had let me if two out of three or work and that's still they better than Guatemala, if everybody had like a real sense of community and hoarded all together and got all the family together and they all ate meals together and they all shared wealth. You know it's, It would be fine. This still a first world country, still America, but nobody wants to live like that. Everyone wants to have their own parking spot and you know in one sense in one I understand I mean everybody used to have it just a little while ago, but another sense, no matter how bad Detroit is. You know it's not fucking Peru you know what I mean there's some spots in this. This was spots in this. This can or this this map. Rather, where you know you can go to countries they're just fucked man there now get out of this hole, there's just poverty and everywhere you go there's you know these factories that are pop
out of nowhere in they're, polluting the rivers and there's no jobs and there's no fucking future and no hope just sadness. So Detroit not that fucking bad, you know, and I right God, damn time still America. I went to this other they called bar sinister. Have you ever been to it Joe? It's uh, This bar have been to a bondage bar before doing when you're, not with me, I'm going to lose you there was. Are there? Was there was a party you're going to get raped? I know those places there is a. There was a party though it was pretty sweet, but you walk in and there's like these, like handcuffs and just people, normal growth, like oh, my god, haha I'm at this bar
they can write up in these guys with whips come out to start spanking them. There's like oh, my god, yeah. You know they were total gross, guess what those are normal girls. Well, I mean normal girls. They love to hate, they look like snow white. The girls like they were just like my god, we're at a at the note like tourists, the right look like okay, and it is the greatest thing ever man sees it. Do you think they got caught up in the moment, or do you think just like every day we're totally loving it and it was just chicks. It was kind of like the crowd that you would see like at dimples when you do karaoke, which is just a bunch of girls there at the party and have fun it was like that is kind of pulls. Oh, this is a thing that John used to be the master. He would go every weekend when he was it was by my house in Burbank. It's just you see it on a lot of tv shows it's like the first karaoke bar in the country, and it's I mean that's where Britney spears got busted we're doing like a lot of famous people. Go there, it's the die, Iest, that's what karaoke bar story happened and yeah
used to live right. There spent Christmas Eve there want. I spent Christmas there once made me sad, bro knowledge Rock. No, he rocked George Michael was your thing right, yeah yeah, we of me anybody would sing at what's what's what's the song when we we using last Christmas? Well, he was because he's from wherever George Michaels from so he sounds exactly like them, George, Michael, so I would just be. There are the people who are like you guys are still good, keep in mind dude. I was twenty four years old when all these stories seem a little George MIKE you were the guy. You were trying hard at karaoke. No karaoke scares me to death. It literally will have a panic attack before I get on stage and sing in less there. Like five other people with me, then I can just be the guy who gets lost in the back. So what are you talking about them, but I will go on page right and then you know 'cause, I'm still and then you'd sing a song. It was either this one or in the. I think you would do this in July tickets on saying it for us
No really like this comes on the radio you going to change it To be honest, I would probably leave it on I I would to go from Eminem to this to seven dust. I have to be really really high to listen to this yeah really high. I would have to be so hard that I shouldn't be drive or there is no other cars around you, while you're driving those by myself at the airport cuddled up corner with the ipod going is to staying on here. The song is. This is how you renew the pod charge in LOS Angeles. The guy plays this song. It goes. Do you like this and then, if you go yeah, I'm kind of into it, here's your card this is one of those things you find in your ipod and you really go what the fuck was going on. How do I at the gym, and somebody asks you a question when you take it out of your ears. This is
be here. Do you ever press shuffle and get embarrassed by your collection of shit? Yeah that you have? I have some. I have some songs that I'm not sure if I bought him as a goof or you're in a mood. Sometimes they just don't know you know I mean things that we've been on the road and would go to like a record store and used by the most ridiculous cds, just 'cause you and Joey Diaz started talking about in the car You know you have MC hammer the Ghostbusters two Soundtrack eight track force legit my proton pack on my back and Joey Diaz will give me excited about music. That's the truth. Joe ideas starts talking about Floyd you want to move to England where were they what's the neighborhood? What's the street like a drive on the left hand, side, I'm fucking moving Man or he's going to sit and listen to it all time. So he talks like a David Gilmour in nineteen. Seventy two dirty. Boys in England, these dirty fuckers, coming up with the greatest music the world has ever known. The word has ever known dog I'll, give you the fucking address.
Eighteen, twenty, six, Lancaster Street. I've got my destiny crazy. With joy when he talks about music is sometimes he'll just break out somebody's name and I'm like no way. That's a good song is like no it's John TEST and the pointer sisters. They're doing it too wet no way is that good and he puts it on and it's great is kind of uh knowledge for it. Well, he doesn't smoke weed and sit around and come up with shit. You know I mean that's what he he smokes weed. He watches Clint Eastwood movies. He smokes weed. He is evil queen movies, he smokes weed system music. He smokes weed, he writes jokes black swan. Yet what is that? It's new horror movie or suspense movie called black swan and everyone that has seen. Told me that is the craziest movie of the year. You gotta see it the insane so. I surprised you haven't heard about it. No, I haven't heard anything yet black swan, I think, is black swan. Let me double check, but I'm pretty sure it's black salon
I haven't heard anything man, I don't know man it yeah. It's black swan here check out this trailer of this movie. This is pretty crazy yeah. This is a freak black swan is an american film yeah we're going to play with the video Laserjet. Even though you can't see it, it's a green band trailer these restricted. I had the craziest dream last night about a girl horse turned into a swan, but her prince falls for the wrong girl and she kills herself. He promised to feature me more this season, though he should have been there long enough and you're the most dedicated dancer in the company or use one queen. The exquisite Nina Sayers.
Be amazing, central she's, not it ballet class here hot for teacher. I don't want to talk about that.
Need to relax. Should've made it's the rule. Isn't it it's all this pressure and you would be too much knew it? What's she doing here, he made me your alternate. The only person standing in your way is you ways, lesbo shit, oh they're, going at it hard losing what they believe. Why hasn't my sweet girl she's got where'd she go, he sure is a hard movie did yeah. I heard it's really fucked up Thio yeah yeah, I think that rotten tomatoes scores like eighty three
did not going to show you any monsters. Look her eyes. What's going on there. I don't know she's turning into a swan really once come out. It's out right now, but damn it here. That's been going through tonight, Wanna go tonight. I can't stand up comedy really sounds by the way, at Sunday, I'm having a little comedy show at sals it's going to open mic mixed with comics like like, like like regular cars yeah, it's going to be a lottery system, so you might come down check out s, feeling better new sales on Melrose Ave Melrose in one it says Vienna CAFE it's a yellow, awning right across street from seven hundred and eleven- I don't know the Cross street And but it's on Melrose, yet on Melrose EAST, or west of the improv, if you're North EAST south of the Improvisa network stuff. No, because there are the same street in this goes e to us. Ok, if you're facing the improv Turn left and you
go down, so that's e at least yeah. I think technically right. Eighty eight percent for black swan on rotten tomatoes am be strong it's out right now is that cool I heard it was fucking badass slow. I also heard that fighter He was really good. That's really good too yeah the one I wanted bail man that guy dudes who like they do so something when they get a roll. You know that completely transforms their body, but nobody does it like guy. Did you ever see the machinist yeah? How change the body so much? did you see the machinist? You know what he did no, do you know what I'm talking about full blown, a machinist was a movie where he lost super skinny right, yeah. Ok, he was eating like an apple and a can of tuna a day. That's it and he literally like got he probably fucked up his body,
yeah like when you you, when you do something like that, you probably take years off your life right, probably damage your organs like what he did was extra room like real. Like almost like. He looked like a monster. You know he would. He would like make like little crazy, like you know, gestures, and it is frozen videos of it all online, like people use it as a avatars on message boards just 'cause. It's so fucking creepy man, there's foods that are willing to go that extra mile and he's one of them and then how does he get big enough to be Batman, get on the juice here start doing some squats eat some burgers. I don't know I mean I guess if you rehydrate, I guess like how long would it take you to get back to normal salvo take months? Who deftly take notes months and months? You would have to do it slowly. You know you. Your body changes only Estar of it like that. Your body like it would not be very receptive to weight, lifting or anything either your body, probably so, freaked out
You know you probably trying to shine not to die yeah yeah, no shit. No, then I won't do it. Then don't do that dude Would you do that if you ever got a movie, so I said John Heffron. We want you to be in this movie, but you gotta play this crackhead. You gotta lose like one hundred pounds going to look all fucked up, I'm going to. Actually up my whole life ever since I wrestled ninety eight pounds in one hundred and five I just kept telling myself over there. If I'm one hundred and sixty power rule the world from one hundred and seventy nine like one hundred and eighty and like I need to get back to one hundred and seventy my face is round and fat timoti's. There's losing weight in high school for wrestling. I did it for wrestling and I did it for Thai Kwando. It's the stupidest they have the people that are growing and there they're getting him to do stuff to their body and cut weight, so bad Luckily I was always little so I never had to cut. I mean I was that small anyway yeah, but you don't cut anything now. I never oh, really yeah. I know I've always had us cut everybody cut weight when I was always four pounds under whatever,
so I never was like I'm going down my friend Anthony, used to lose an insane amount every year and he always talks about how we would just eat everybody's italian, his whole family, beaten, pasta and he'd, be sitting a cup of shaved ice shaved, that's and he was allowed to eat to eat. Just I just have to drop all wait like even the nutrition and how to do that. Stuff has changed over the last one thousand and twenty years, so even fuck. Even when we were in school, oh yeah, the UFC guys have it down to a science yeah did you go and still eat a lot and get strong and add muscle and still lose weight? It's crazy american top team I've never seen anything like it, these guys somehow or another. I don't know what they do. They just have it down to like an art form. So how to get these guys. They get him to cut like twenty pounds over the course of a few days you know, and it's not that long, it's pretty short amount of time. They do it in and the is way in and then they balloon him back up the gain like fifteen pounds, one thousand five hundred and twenty pounds yeah we walked in
Santhiago Elvis he was in the gym at the palms, and it was the day he was fighting and they had him the day of the fight. They had him going through. All these, shadow boxing moves like go. Go! Go go, go girl. He was burning like he's. Trying to like put all this. You know, glycogen depletes, out of his muscles, and then he would give him some sort of a drink and the drink was like this carbohydrate drink that refueled all the muscles, so the muscles got back to full size. So that was the idea is that you make them work and then, when you make them work a little bit, it allows them to take in more moisture, more water and they get thicker more sugar yeah. These guys have down to an art form, and so they have these guys. Like yours, you know, Gleison T Bowers he's the biggest one hundred and fifty five pound fighter on the planet. He's one of those guys where you look at Amigo, how the fuck is that guy one hundred and fifty five well he's not he's
one hundred and fifty five for like an hour, you know he's one hundred and fifty five. He gets down to the way it weighs in and then they give him a little pedialyte and then they give him bags of ivy like most guys use. I vs now you know that's the smart way to do it to get water back in your system. They need to have ivy places for people who leave bars that are like really boost up. We can just plug in and feel good yeah, but it's so you can't marry that simple, you're fucked, you know it's kind of go through your whole system. You know, there's no shortcut to sobering up. I don't think they can do that with an ivy, but They could. That would be the show or the next day how about that when, when you know when you feel super super bad well, you could do that you could go than it has been in a bag or some pop in a like, Jiffy Lube sit there for fifteen minutes get plugged in. If you went to a place, you know that could rehydrate you with like a vitamin drip in an ivy and sugar water ivy. You could totally do that. What you doing you know why? Why not? When I do that man plug in sit there
like hangover stations in Vegas. The problem is people don't get needles manual, going to stick some fucking needle my armload I'm fine? Now I just drink, some water depends screwed up you got the night before, but isn't that the the the thing with with hangovers: isn't a dehydration isn't that what's really fucking? It's you just yet your body a depleted from all that stuff, so put it back in powerful liquor, way. At the end of the night, I usually switch to beer and water for like the last couple of years, and then after that, that's really smart. You should pound water. When you get home to just force yourself to drink way more than you want to just pound it pound it yeah. I know in Vegas, picking up pound it February. Fourth me Joe and ARI Arisha fear at the Mandalay Bay. Theater is the David
for the Super bowl weekend: UFC, let be a sick UFC. Two Anderson Anderson, Silva's fighting, Vitor Belfort and that's going to be off the chain and I'm sure there's a great supporting cast as well. I don't know the full card, yet you know kind of weather in FEB. Always think man anything can happen between now and February. You know and anime guys get injured so often, Speak me. I've heard your voice almost every night this week for three hours, yeah you've been getting into UFC's, I just know I just got two thousand and ten dollars game yeah I just gained flight it it came so then, on the new one now yeah. I was supposed to work this week, but I can't because my boy and then I created John, have friend one hundred and eighty pounder. I thought you wanted. One seven is easy to learn. I heard it's really hard. I heard the controls are pretty hard to master I, but smash for awhile. Now I got one or two moves, but I swear playing the video game, but I think it's all how you visualize stuff that
you actually learn. You can learn some ground stuff. Doing it on the video game. One hundred percent really like actual moves here, only put on the message board. Somebody put some photos of christian bale. Look at those pictures. Look at the one on the left: one million dollars, Dude God, damn he's crazy Did it again for this movie to we got super skinny for this movie to to play crack head once get like a cool when when you can eat a lot and just become a fat slob? Well, that's fine! That role, that's what a Dinero Y or even a match game did it for his this one where it's like is a CIA agent, but maybe it's kind of supposed to be funny, not serious. Where you gained yeah. You just ate a lot of pasta and donuts adjust got really heavy shot. Is that the movie about the dude is like some sweet and informative liar yeah, the informant good movie, yeah yeah, I didn't see it yeah. So why do I have to gain weight for that? I think he did, though
just because this guy wanted to be doughy? Yeah yep? That's actually fine Stallone did that once to remember that he did that, for cop land gained a gut, never was like wow, so fast, yeah, God. How is it yeah, but I think the UFC is going to some of the ground stuff in your brain. You kind of learn. Okay. You think that either. Do you think you've actually applied something that you learn from the game to sparring session? Have you done that? I think you would have you know But I think people do all the time what are fights like in school now. How many kids? Now you get to an mma fighting, is so much more of a part of our culture now that it was just a couple of decades ago, even even go ten years ago. Do you think anybody and, let's say just a regular- you know nonlethal just fight with We think about throwing in me nobody which everybody was headhunter yeah, but now
I've, seen two fights where guys clinch and thrown that strictly from watching UFC strictly from just just seeing it going all that exam let me bring that into my repertoire. Yeah yeah seems like a move that anybody could do to you know. It? Doesn't it's not like a giant flying head. Kick, you know seems pretty simple. I even grab the guy and you throw your knee up and you hit him. You know not their they're complicated yeah Where can you a hold of him yeah again or even during our clinching, are dirty by holding that and like that yeah a lot of that's going, I'm watching you, two fight with this guy. Have you seen the and when the guy just says put me out is his kid he's got really the pants. He just telling him. Ok, let's go. Let's go, he says, put me out, he go uh yeah. Put me down he's like telling the guy to knock him out, but his hands are are at his disguise, knockabout yeah. It's awesome. To really skinny kids and then he almost like hi point. Is it a fight
street, one guys playing or is it a fight? No, it's a fight. Okay in one guy's got like a phone which I have, but I took off. Here I have a video when I was in Grand rapids. This guy was trying to fight. He thought a couple guy. This guy has like a sweater on put his hand in his pocket and starts walking over to him grab. Some right, spins found throws in a rear, naked choke when he's on top. So this guy Lee knows some type of fight because he was way too cocky. Don't put you know, he's got a rear, naked choke on the guy jumps. Up in the air and knocks out the guy legs, so you know, wants to fall down with him, but he's got his back. He standing the guy now who had the thank you choke in falls to the ground 'cause. He pulls the giant smashes his head on to this meant. 'cause you're in the middle of the street. Shit now lose
I think pretty much is knocked unconscious and that guy rolls on top of him and just starts wailing am, and I had on my phone up until I was in the middle than a huge fight broke out, and then I decided to put my phone away like. Why would that guy? the pull guard yeah because that's also from watching kind of UFC where you go, you know that I would have this state standing and took the guy out from standing. He just fucked up yeah yeah security, I think it was the craziest thing. I've ever seen, I'm like wow that guy just he did a duck under you know, so he goes to grab ducks under then throws in the choke, and the guy then jumps up guy right. On top of that, so many street fights now on fucking cell phone cameras. Watch. Oh I just like watching him to see what guys do in there, but the other one I saw I throws a knee and then the guy Black lock, the knee you know, put kind of did that little out
but you know they did not fight drop from for the Itunes listener. John was just moving his hands left and right ' 'cause. He was like saying he was take me over here for the idea that there's been I'm trying to say. I have a role there done anything in forever, but there was this guy on Youtube that showed a um thing, so he's on his back reaches up grabs. The guys head and arm. You know and pull him close and then sweep some right. I'm like, oh, that that seems like a pro cool sweep to know with basic. I don't how practice Well, it is when you basically just reach up grab the guys head, pull him in and then plant a foot in the so good is because he doesn't know what he's doing. But I he's been running that in my head over and over again this what you know and then I need to go, do it this last year I go to a God. Damn you to class. This is what kind of people kung FU people. Do you sit down to go
Well, if I grabbed you like this, and then I got your arm right here in a throw you on the ground and then they'll like practice, doing that over and over again well That's not how you do it. The way you do. Is you gotta? Try it on somebody. Remember if you don't try it on somebody. You've got some nonsense, move that you don't really know. What's gonna happen if it got defense, because you have to learn what I mean if the guy grabs him here often grabs in here, I'm fucked, okay, you have to stop him from grabbing me here and then I have to make sure This light gives and get past this legs. If it does, then I'm fucked again. I remember when we did that tour together a couple years ago that ate was with us in some, and some guy was saying yeah. If you just do this and you break the guy's leg and Tate goes off Israeli. How do you know you have a room full of a small chinese boys that you break their legs in practice, even ever Looking like that way, have you ever seen anybody who's bro? There was: how do you know? How do you know that that you don't know so, don't say it that's a really good impression. It takes. No writing. There's really good. That's like the best impression that I've ever heard it's totally true
Tate, and I were, I think, I've told this story before, but I'll tell it anyway tonight hotel in Vegas and some big douche bag, which I was really he is huge right, like six foot three, he walks around like two thirty five and he's got a shaved head these. Can you just look yeah you just look at it. I mean you know. There's probably not the guy in the room and it looks like a killer and he's a nice guy, but you know, but people will fuck with him. Even though is this, It's so ridiculous! Fucking kid was like a frat boy. He looks like he's about like six foot, six and handsome fellow drunk off his ass, but he's being a really really aggressive. And ah you know he's talented that was in his room, Tate was like looking for his keys, like that's my room bro. While you go to my room and take it was like looking at the skies like now. I'm pretty sure it's my room and he sticks the key. Like TI was being really friendly about it in the key works. He goes up, see it's my room, so he goes in. Take it easy and shuts the door, and once he it's inside? My room is right. Next to him, I hear
Bang Bang Bang are here pound. Those door right, so we run into the hallway and the guy is pounding on his door and the guys like fucking pussy fucking shut that door. In my face, I told you, that's my fucking room. It was like craziness, it was like, oh no, what is going to happen here and tape so yeah yeah, big Guy- is that what's going on this is your fucking room, huh and the guys, like put you fuck, you fucking, ass bitch. I was saying all this crazy shit so takes us. Come on man come on. Take a swing at me. And the guy like doesn't know what to do doesn't know where to go, and so he moved. There was a lot of on back four happens, but I'm cut to the chase. The chase was the guy steps forward. Tate leg kicks him. And then pulls guard on the dude. So he's got this guy on top of them in the lobby and he's got him in. What's called a home, a plot that we just got him in the shoulder lock position and right when he gets him down, it's got in its own part of the security. Guys show up, stop hey, stop! Stop the fight. Are you
from fear factor? I go yeah yeah! Don't worry bout this this guy is not going to get hurt. I go he's going to be fine, he's just going to get choked unconscious this guys, an asshole so then taking here is that a goal? up. I guess I'm choking Mccutchen, so Tate sinks or rear naked choke on a and put some totally asleep, doesn't hit him don't hurt him. The guy doesn't have a scratch on him. The guy's face down in the carpet unconscious snoring his friends come grab him PA, college eyes pick the guy up, put the guy in an elevator the elevator or closes, and he goes out of our life forever. He just very odd by the way, thank God yeah. Well, he was just so embarrassed and he probably didn't even know what the fuck happened. The guy was so looking so stupid. This is my room. He never did anything to him. That hey did not hurt him. He did not hurt him at all. He just incapacitated a quick lesson and friends were so happy because his friends were like
your size, dudes discusses chart guy, and this guy was a giant douche. You know right in the whole state. We probably had to deal with that. You know this, isn't everybody where every because what the you looking at he just one of those guys, and so you fucked with the wrong dude. I mean it's like karma, just led him to right. First, what you know what we need to make a little shift on how you view life need to drop you off at floor. Five even treat people like, so I'm so we're gonna, throw something in your life. That's going to push you in a different direction! Yeah. It became a yoga teacher after that really try to find a center right. The back of the goggles yeah, I like the goggles, it's a cool! Look. You know what I like about goggles when you're, You know, I always wondered like I watched Al Pacino get interview the other day and he got interviewed and he kept his sunglasses on the whole interview was talking to Larry King, like what kind of nonsense is that
Is it hot in the room or is it brighten room or something like? Why do you have sunglasses on and he was talking about? I so shy. He wear sunglasses 'cause. He can't even look people in the eyes like. Is that or do they like it's really easy to pretend that you're living in a movie and that life is like some crazy fucking thing that you when you're looking through goggles yeah, I like, where does all the time do yeah? I just I never right, I just it. I, like my eyes, be as relaxed as possible at night time, in other words, not at night time indoors. So much but hey a bonded violators. You were men, doors like if I'm a restaurant it's during the day and it's like bright in the restaurant on where it's a once in a while we're mates. What? If? What? If you having a conversation with somebody, you take him off if they're wearing glasses too, so you just just go with it. Yeah and they're like don't like I don't like squinting, I hate squinting 'cause, I squint
the computer all the time. So I, like my, I think, the massage my eyes when I, when I can so it's not a matter of looking cool, no, no, not at all to acknowledge relaxation of the eyes you want your eyes have some shade on the right who's in interesting. Like I read like from at the olive garden, I don't want to see the decor I the decor. I don't give a about the the right right like like your family yeah, when you eat at olive garden, do you eat at the olive work yeah I got eight there you gotta, eat there bro it's close and you're hungry, there's, not a bad choice right! It's faster! The breadsticks! Still good. I've been asked to come across the only problem with the olive garden is that lately, their salads or half the size that used to be so they'll still refilm. All you want, but they take long to get now and they're half the size, so they're trying to fill you up. So you get you know so faster. So you won't salads they're trying to get you full by giving you less salad yeah, because there
they're, giving you half as much and so you eat it. And then you have to flag down the the way Get you another one! That's a half one! You know! So that's one full! killer old school salad that that took twice as long do to go through in the time you're sitting there getting full use that a sign of the economy Brian there is a lower salary, had been leased to camp. So something is troubling you so because, as an all of guarding fanatic, you could tell now wait a minute wait, a minute when, when that you're an olive garden fanatic, lock yeah, I love the olive garden. Are you like one of those fandango dudes? It's got like a little I'm! Actually I I just don't care that much about the football. Yeah. But I go there a lot, but you notice, if you go into the salad yeah, I do I'm a yelp elite. But if you go to salad, if you go to this, if you look at the stats a lot smaller and how do you become a yelp yelp elite, you get chosen What is yellow yeah- and hopefully I just had to put in my application to become the twenty eleven yelp elite, but hopefully they pass me. So if you're listening Know
What does that mean Bro? What are you doing going to stadium and it's twelve guys? Look. I get this other badge that most people don't have on yelp, so just check it out, go to my profile. I mean what's going on with your body yeah, I don't even running around reviewing things all day now now, once in awhile or review, something usually how many reviews you have on your account. Not not that many we'll have it. I don't do it that much anymore, because I'm so busy. What's not that many fifteen Ok on one hundred, and yet enough to get a yelp elite? What does that mean? Bro? I think you're you're being very sketch, with my yelps that I eat pretty. Much only means that the that your reviews get pushed up higher than the other guys, I think, even modest burn and that you could have invited to yelp parties, which is a great time yelp, parties have. Ninety five reviews wow that's a lot of reviews kid, but I've been doing it since two thousand and six or two thousand and seven or something
You just go into whatever restaurant stored, just whatever it is and go, and the customer service were ok yeah exactly I do it for rest of a member of the media. Have you like bloggers calling themselves the media. That's what it hilarious right. You know those remember, as a member of the media like well, what right but I guess they are right and what the fuck is. The difference mean it is point in time. We have make some sort of a distinction 'cause every douche bag. That has a website can't be in the team. Well, there's some people that are absolutely terrible at it like you have to like. If you were uh, you know a member of the media, a writer for, say the New York Times. You know they had standards by the time you get to New York time you were a certain caliber of journalist. Put any asshole could just start a fucking blog and basically now it's all the same thing. You have just much of a possibility of getting your shit seen some really high traffic thing. If you, something good and it's a controversial or
one celebrity tweets it. You know, and then everyone goes to their the media. Then then all sudden they're showing up at places with cameras and it's all web fueled. You know of a strange time. Look Joe. I reviewed the hotel the day after the fire at the hotel in San Francisco yeah the file, the cliff and then one night? That's a terrible hotel stay at folks. If you I mean, if you it's a nice hotel, but if you're going to stay there and a fire breaks out the fucking, Hotel. Has these staircases that are these tiny single file staircases? They were jammed up with people. You know what I heard when I was in San Francisco. However, many times ago I had dinner with TIM Ferriss. You know guy wrote four hour work week and he just a four hour body and he was his body, wrote this book Emergency Neil Strauss, I think wrote emergency just about how to live
the Bourne identity guy, how to have a couple passports, because the problem is if stuff goes down and you can't get out of your country. That's all you know so anyway, he tells you to have extra pass by this guy emergency says: that's a good way to get arrested. Man, they catch you with extra passports. How did well there's other countries that will give you dual citizenship: real few investors, legal yeah, so you but you have to invest in their infrastructure. So how much I think in the book I was talking to a guy for like one hundred thousand dollars or something about fuck outta. Here daddy, did you wake up with one hundred thousand dollars to give us some wack ass little fucking third world countries? You get give you a female contestant. Yet what are you doing? Bro you give another one in Nigeria. So then you get dick outta here grand kid, but he said the guy. He yeah, he asked what how many fire trucks you think is there.
Protect the entire city of San Francisco and I was I don't know. Probably one hundred it was believe less than twenty total whoa. Now that I say these words, but I could be wrong, but it's it's something like that. You would think there's no there's hundreds for the entire city of know, there's literally big rigs. Can shoot water like twenty of them. So if anything really happened in his city, like that, the thing is it's Well, we were so the whole focus how to survive like born. We were at the hotel. The fire broke out supposedly four thirty in the morning, but it wasn't really. A fire was just some assholes that blew off fire extinguishers, but it looked like a fire, but it looked like a fire. There was smoke because of the extinguishers one just like it looks like smoke and it's flooded, you know, through the hallway, and we're going down this little single file staircase at four hundred thirty in the morning. People just shuffled on the staircase was mad everyone was going so fucking slow. It was really scary man, it was, I thought, so hit their head.
Yeah the stairs going down and at one point like me and Joe, both felt like we were just going to start beating up the people. No more, no more hotels that are from the seventeen hundred now in kiss my first floor second floor now my first or second floor. It's I want well, it's just those old hotels and like with the that's, that's your stair case right I mean it was so small. I literally had a hard time getting through it. May I have one person had a hard time getting through it, so I guess, skinny ass staircase and was fat people and old people and tired people and people in poor health, and they were all just clogging up the stairs. You know you really. When you see a person during the day, you see a person, that's all warmed up. You know, they've had coffee and they're moving. You know, I'm saying they got up a couple of hours ago and had breakfast and their walked out to the brisk cold air before they got into the building where you meet them, but when you see them boom right after they wake up and they're all
oriented and their slowness might get you burned to death. It's a fucking trip man, I wonder about that when you're on a plane or have to the exit row and you're like okay I'll open this. If I have to wear these one hundred, do people act civilized of stuff and then I always think I'm like there's no way, then you hear about stuff like that, with the plane landed in the hot scene, where everyone just orderly, you know they got a hundred fifty people out. I don't know that she said yeah that was easy safety landing yeah landing was almost like. They landed on the ground, it was just they were on the water. You know what most seemed like it made sense, but I here yeah like he, never know like what people, just you know, climb over the week in the slow just save or
there are that I don't know I mean it depends on the situation, never house dire. The circumstances are, it depends on. I mean, look at a black Friday or whatever it's called easy people trampling over each other to get into a store right. Well, so they're on a southwest flight chances. Are you gonna get trampled right, yeah yeah, so there you have it Lou, you're good to go. You have your own virgin you're, probably gonna be okay, everyone's going to want to yeah. Have you flown many virgins? No, I heard it's awesome yeah. You know I haven't flown any John Heffron you're a world traveler you're! Definitely not around. Well, but I mean around the country you're covered. We can stand up yeah. A lot of fucking last I don't like planes anymore man. Last yeah last year was forty something weeks or something, and then I have this week off and then June first is my first weekend: do you live off starting next week I believe, God you just out every weekend yeah. How do you do that used to be easier, but now I
be now. I occupy my time with so much other little. Projects during the day that that's what gives me you know like dancing? I ants. I do my ribbon thing. I'm in my knife fighting and Kane Fighting Class star do you take classes in showing you on the road like if you go on the road, do you Wednesday, through Sunday Guy like how do you do the road Wednesday three of yeah yeah I'd say through Sunday? It's so you can say you just home Monday Tuesday and then bam you're on the road on Wednesday yeah, sometimes a Thursday yeah Thursday, as your wife meet you places, do you like try to set it up where you see each other one two days a week now? Well I mean we used to but now she's got a job. So now you know we see each other, but it's like asking classes like when I was in Atlanta there's a boxing gym by my hotel, so I would go in there and then work with that guy for a couple of days, do you ever go to a boxing gym and they try to set you up. They want some due to spar with you. I won't.
The have of the you, though I have before- and I've gotten beat up. So you know then you're on stage going. Somebody beat you up not beat up, but you know you guys. Sixty percent might be different than my sixty percent and it's a funnier story. If some guy knows who I am and knocked me out then then going sixty percent, that's a boring story right! So yeah, it's hard to trust people I don't understand me unless you find you know have a problem with the problem got class a couple times. You know in your sparring and I'm really I pride myself and going if we're going to go fifty we're going to go I don't- have an ego, I don't need to go. Sixty five improve anything to you where both here to learn and blah blah blah, but there a couple times where I haven't been. I just I still get even mad thing about thousand forty fifty percent, a five
world could probably catch that kick when you literally are just going Maur of the moat motion to maybe step in the guy catches, my foot and then straight just you know just how hard you punch you in the face. Enough where I saw stars and fell to the ground. Do you think you're one hundred percent uh he pretty hard, not not one hundred, but it was no tricky right. There was no martial arts classes of tricky. You got to make sure the people who training with you trust them. You know, know But when you, when things striking things, get weird, you know kicking in yeah 'cause, you know you really can't do it full blast every day, so you got to assume that the is going to be willing to work with You know we're just going to tag each other, so work on our timing. Doing like just if I, if I go to a place like that I'll, do a lot of just bag worker met working in bounce around where there's really, except for the Mets, maybe slapping yeah I'd like I that's equally as
but I just wanted to give me something to do and get my heart rate up. So I don't know you taking guys on the road with you uh, use two and then last couple of months. I have, because if all kind kind of gotten, not famous, then they kind of move on and they're like. I don't feel like which it to me is you know you gotta get slackers. People who, just just don't want to get famous famous yeah yeah they're not going to go on the road in their own's too hard yeah. It's because 'cause I used it now. I think, starting next year, I'm going to find some guys, but I have some rules. You know No, that sounds dumb, but I I did a show it was me and brewer is both of us pretty amazing show 'cause I'm high level and he's even even higher level, but I did. I did even more twenty minutes in front of them in and then he would, but during that twenty it's like wow that feature spot. You don't have time for anything.
There's no time to talk to people in the crowd. Twenty minutes is very quick yeah. So then, now when I see guys opening for me having conversations with the crowds, I'm like, how do you have the time? Stop that Do twenty minutes of nonstop material and then get off stage. Don't have I don't know how? So now I got yeah, but sometimes when you're opening, though sometimes like talking to the crowd just a little bit here and there it kind of like brings everybody. I'm talking. I'm talking feature, I'm not. Fucking MC. So just a feature that spot you should just Open rip just be yeah, you know, but then I was fine guys that sit on the stool and he started and everybody's got their own thing, no men in black. But for me you know in front of me those guys. So I got I got a fine yeah. I got a fine go to find the right guy, that's funny that you monitor what they do. Why don't monitor and say anything, but but it bothers you when I sit on the stool, but that's forty some weeks a year and that's where that kicks in where then now you just find little things to bitch about it
Where you go toe to toe the same guy. You go with the same guy. Forty weeks in a row um I used to settle drive you crazy yeah. I think that's. What I got to do is find you started telling him what to do with his act like no sit on the stool. Don't ever say anything! No, I don't use any tools. You say you got rules well now, if I have a new guy opening for me, I find a guy. You go okay, his yeah, I like style. So you treated as if he's an employee. The only thing I don't like is doing, is what Ricky, it gets tricky. If you bring a guy with you- and he starts talking about the shit that you talk about before you talk about it, then hey man, you know. I already talked about that like what you talking about that when you bring me up, you know, that's weird yeah yeah you or it's funny is your work with guys. Let's say that Dargis there and as he goes. I notice they'll start doing more and more yeah some lightly, touching not even doing it, but just dusting enough for your. Like really you haven't
What would you do that on purpose? You know they do that on purpose, this stepping on your materials, what they're doing there? typing in your area and they're doing it on purpose. Just to that, when you bring it up there, the initial recognition of yeah yeah. I've already heard this twenty minutes ago. You know they've heard they've heard this subject breached twenty minutes ago. Even briefly, it just takes the wind out of the sails, which the guy heard him talking to his friend on the on the phone, and he never saw me do stand up. You like, in the green room. He liked these guys are going to have a good hard time following me this week you heard him say that he's bragging all of you watch in an he saw that I heard I'm like yeah, I hope you rocket that'd that'd, be great. You can't really dude with your. You know, guys, paint like to hunt men like you're, going to gauge fillers, Who is this guy man out of calm out and then you look. I know I don't
remember, I bring Joey Diaz in the road with me. Whenever I can. Joey should be a headliner, but he's just too crazy to go on the road by himself. Can't just trust Joey he won't show up, You know why. I think back in the day when you first started doing comedy for guy crushes in front of you for me, because be in secure, you go all the guy crush one million to do. Then you reach an age in a confidence level. You go. That's awesome, yeah! I'm! I'm not gonna ride that same way. Well, you are all capable of be enjoying it. Unfortunately, for some people guys going before and it's like a competition yeah, you know and they did not join it and so like watching the the act and having fun being inspired. They're they're, not joining you could see, shows were like. If you see you and Joey and in anyone else, when everyone, the comics like each other, the show is not better there's a cooler vie. I've done shows where it's
m C, hasn't talked to me feature guy was just being friendly and me, and then I get on stage almost like I'm by myself this entire week. Yes, let's hear it for those guys like and not you there's no connection and there's no opposed to you if you're right and you will like losses when you try to bring a guy and like you are to try to pal around with the. But you realize like deep in this a one way street this guy's a douche bag. Fuck him with a douche bag yeah, you know it is tricky man going on the road. That was the number one thing that I hated the most, so you never. We're going work, work with you could be working some dude with a real negative energean and work work with. Is that get super draw? I just want you falling down and making ass is out of themselves in the next night. You gonna hang out with him again you like, hey, maybe you guys were the bar um? No, I don't want to go to a bar with you, you crazy alcoholic fuck, and then you know now. I no longer have a friend for the week did with guy recently, who or even worse, is the guy who used to drink and looks down at you.
You want no shot. No, I don't drink. I don't look down at people and if I never looked at Brian Q man, I don't look down at leave him alone. I don't drink. Seem drunk John Heffron, I've seen silver, John Heffron. I welcome sober John F right here. My whole left drunk John, have probably better for all of John the phones breaking up. I can't hear So he's not gonna. Remember this conversation anyway, yeah guide the John Desert Drake Way better yeah way? John, the John Heffron was easier to get in the bed Brian's got plans. I was gonna, ask you, you got those silly hologram bracelets on. You really think things helping you. I know like to wear it, though I like something like an athlete yeah, it's kind of cool. It's like a modern
Those live, strong, bracelets yeah. I used to have one for this q link that was supposed to do the same stuff for years and years ago, but that was really expensive. This I got free in like a golf bag or something it's supposed to be something that's supposed to balance you. It's all nonsense, complete total nonsense. They cannot not be nonsense, but with the placebo effect people. Like take those things, absolutely have all sorts of like benefits. Their back feels great all the sudden. There injuries go away and then, if you deal with the placebo and it works, then it works. But it's kind of simple effect is some real shit. I don't know why, but some real shit. Just tell yourself, then you go ok, it's all connected to even the placebo effect is very much like like when you're on stage- and you know things are funny. You know how you got that feeling when you know things are funny and you just kind of like trust in it just goes to this sort of magical place that just comes out. I think the placebo effect is the same thing. It's like you know. This is gonna to heal. You know is going make you better and Anbu it just lights up all those parts, your brain, you just have to truly believe in it and if you do you're in it
Look! It's a rubber band survivor bandwidth with with the would be an underneath, your baseball hat. If you bought it for a little holiday or your baseball cards, it shows that it's a real upper deck. I am ridiculous, So how long do you think you can keep this up? This travel on the road forty weeks a year killam? What are you running from it's running to what's good you're successful, you know sorry, it's so funny. I keep joking with people telling people I'm going to start a mailing list for when I'm about sixty five in Branson MO I'm going to do a one pm show Yakov Smirnoff specially yeah, but it's a little going to six thousand five hundred and seventy at that point who cares? But I do everything I told myself and put in plans together, I'm retire when I'm fifty, you know just don't really only working for when I want to, because I'll still be relevant and right time, but that's my
I'm gonna work around L A and work wherever, whatever whatever who stands up when everything what happens ten years from now, but I'm going to keep running for the next ten years. I want to talk to you about this. While we have you on the podcasts now, I'm just remembering um You were the one that has been doing these crazy. Cyber conference shows and we've actually talked about you on the show before about you. Done these corporate gigs explain, explain exactly how it goes yeah I am. I brought a tape of it, but we can play it. What what it is? It's with Cisco's telepresence and you going to a room. Just a conference room. You sit down at a table and then okay awesome. You is maybe three big screen tv's made about sixty eight inches, each six thousand, eight hundred and sixty eight inches. Maybe each one, each one wow so then unwanted screens was Boston. The one in the middle was New York, the other one Washington DC in each screen. Imagine thirty
many people sitting in each screen so that little squares like webcams, no just or Group. Yes, just group like an audio, it looks like a window. Make a window? No, it doesn't look like a webcam at all. It looks like so the screen is filled with an audience. So if we were to you, have a a a big sliding glass door. If we were to set up chairs and then Brian gets on the other side of the of the window, that's exactly what it looks like you're to scale. Everything is to scale so you're, not looking at little guys you and then how you sit in the table because then that their table does the same. It looks like it's one big round connected table dude someone should set up cyber comedy clubs. Well, that's
I was the first I wish. I had a don't show video, and this is a list of people- are listening to this on Itunes, anything. Why so explain your house? You know this. This one was, I I've done it at a couple. Hotels. I was one of the big chains. Helms are some has these right, this tax knology and then their hopes is now you have a big this meeting in New York, you live in LOS Angeles you're, not flying you going to their hotel sitting there. I can look across from you. This is, is the whole chain like all of the hiltons it I don't know. If Hilton's I forgot, when I was in the photo yeah, but so that that's their thing, so I've done it now. What is Cisco a bunch of times? What three or four of them now are the squeaky clean gigs? You have to be squeaky, clean, yeah in in what it happens, is in each room. Is people who want to buy this technology? So it's the owners of these companies that spend twenty five million. Fifty million so imagine those type of guys. Okay, so you're doing stand up to them.
So then you sit down. Are you doing stand up or are you I do my presentation? No, I do my act so I sit down and then you have the Cisco person here going. You know of before meeting, because maybe the watch a presentation about this system is it done, then I get an intro almost like like an MC would and then you kind of go off into it and how I look at, is you know how, when you do morning, radio you show up it's just the dj in maybe a news girl right. You have it's the scene, you have to tweak your your brain. You know how, when you get there, you kind of performance mode, but you see all the people sitting there looking at it. So then you see them and then you could go in whatever we. Who is the loudest? That's what you see so it knows if somebody's talking so It's a Boston was laughing really hard that I and then the quiet down and also New York would pop up. You know. Nobody talked or did something you only looking at one screen? Well, it would change constantly. Well, that's annoying, while
I just be the same screen over and over again it does. It picks up whoever talking. So then that way the focus can be on that person talking can't they have it static, Well, I would say that for me you would want to see the audience and they would just want to see you if you just have that standard. If you fall in love with somebody tell me Brian, please, with piano music, I'm I've done in San Francisco so yeah, so you do it not Andrew, and then you would look across from you know, hey Guy in the NASA suit and then so that's what I would have to do is you have to bring in people you know, so they feel connected and then you just do your stuff as they do it static where they just see you all the time and then yeah, because it laid on that piano motherfucker. This isn't even sad anymore could be a sad if we wanted to be do you want to talk about several if you ever and then left to talking about sad things, I think, there's some of the status things is. So are these people, like eight d, though, like like I mean like really really,
it looks like you're looking to a window in the person's right that, okay, I don't that's the only and their faces just kind of come on. This is a room you in that you're in like pitch black, so you just see like these faces. Are these bodies come in front of you? Eight now is, each three of three screens, but each screen does not have an individual video on it. They all have. They all have the same think it does weird, but I'm sure there's adjustments, but sometimes all three screens will be one city and then other times it would split, and I don't know it's all voice activated. So I don't know in could be distracting. I think if they could keep it static so that you could just get into your head and do you material I it would be very much like an audience. I think that's the real possibility of cyber comedy club, where a comic perform in a studio in LA or wherever the hell they are New York and people would come
no like hey we're, gonna, d'oh, Austin, Texas and Ohio and- and you know, you're in the room with the like. What's up, what's up how you doing and like like wow, where we really are in a room together like that, I hope last ah, couple weeks ago, I did a thing for Cisco, their place. And then I went downtown to some steak place right by the staple center to this is a great idea for a tv show. So the so doing what you're saying now I'm in a steakhouse downtown, they have a conference room, I'm sitting at this table almost like the last supper table with people all on my right and left mean and tv in front of me, I'm looking at another steakhouse that was in Tempe Arizona. Full of one hundred people all sitting at tables. Just like you know, like you're at a restaurant there watching me on tv, I'm doing my stuff in that one hundred people in that room are laughing. So I would like- and I would literally do crowd work. I'd go yeah
the lady in the white sweater in the second table, from what's your name, and she would shout Sarah. He it was the last argument you got in with your husband and that she would the thing- and I were talking in that room- would laugh it's a really crazy. That's pretty interesting man, so you then do it and people like any of the people in the room wouldn't be into it. Yeah because so imagine watching a comedy central special words. So again, like a lot of people, go disco was wearing that had some other trainers that wanted by the technology they were seeing. How can you engage or build repor with one hundred people world that are in a different city, not with you that was, if they're weird, like is a comic gonna work, but it works because just like you're, watching comedy central and you're, watching someone special you're laughing. Now. Imagine of that,
I could look out at you and go hey. You almost peed and have a conversation with you, so it really adds this whole. Why would they think it wouldn't work? Look as long as you can interact with the people you interact with them is going to be a weird thing. A cyber comedy club is a very, very interesting idea that technology that they have a home version of that stuff. Look at me, I would you know what I'm saying like you wouldn't have to travel so much. You know you get. If you had a cyber comedy club, you could have people come to see you all over the country. They organize the shows, you know and they have a p b cheap like a movie ticket instead of like comedy club ticket. You know where it's alive show and you get to justify the airfare and all the shit to get the guy to the club. Please, just you know it's just in a studio somewhere, you cut out a lot of expenses. Out. Is cheaper People go and there is a real show. It's like they're interacting you know, and you know and like especially for me when I do question Anson Shit question answer shit like you, see that it was really happening right there and then, and I
don't know how many cities you can? Let say you do it at the hotel where it's set, if you, if there's I don't know what the limit is, but you could have like at ten satellite cities, and I don't know what the technology would like one. You had like five cities going at the same time, but yet one country audience there just hakulinen being she just knew them. I put When ignore Kansas City you just got on ignore bitch should probably have a moderate. Are you have a club owner which is just somebody sitting there muting people that are getting out of control the mute, the audience, but the feed still comes through going to watch. It just goes eight billion trillion dollar company and I gave them a legit. That thing when you're done with those it's a weird thing: you go okay, well we're done, and you know how, when you're done with something you're used to shaking a hand or patter, there's a ok we're done with they. Don't have anything- and I told him they need a virtual fist pump were like. Okay later I hit a button and a fist just comes the
screen, and then we do. You watch this right now, I'm going to show you I will be, they will try, add virtual hands money. Maybe a virtual handshake. You bored best Derek you, a big virtual. It will be business fist bump in the world of human resources. It's not I to exist. I bet you I think we're going to watch discovery, peeing behaviour, secret handshakes and fist bumps and shit. There's going to be a some type of thing. Well, maybe like a green light, a nice green light like a palm I invented to things like palm. It shows up on the screen. Watch and I'm gonna say this and then the idea is gonna. Be there all the business guys take off their jackets. You know have ties certain ties and they throw him over the back of their chairs to invent suit. It's that aren't real once they just cover the back of your chair. So
You see that as a piece of your suit, but you don't have to wear the jacket. What the fuck is wrong with you. You got to brilliant idea to run that there alien idea, you're talking about thank jackets or never a good idea. John Heffron Devil they're going to go in the back, but the conference by yourself, too long virtual fist pump. No major shake jackets bro that are going to go in the back, because here's the thing when you do those you don't have to wear, dress pants because they they're like newscast so the new look. You can go board shorts, flip flops, maybe nice shirt with the tie fake jacket over the thing you look like you're wearing a suit. You got proper telling bro and you guys are NASA update in the beginning, show brain doctor. You need to go see one telling you, you're going to your going to see it you're for sure there, John Heffron I'd, be willing to bet you an insane amount of money that fake jackets that
but in the back you're sleepy will examine, has had John okay is it will just because I'll create them? Okay, you will, they will exist and they will be a money pit of disasters. Portions yeah, I need a MIKE Sars, your design with somebody as a direct message me. I need a seamstress. What is it like dealing? those people in that world and doing like squeaky, clean comedy only and not being able to take any chances up there or going any weird directions. What is that like? I've always is that type of comedy show it's not we're. Having you do your company has one. May I mean I'm I'm adult, but I'm not you know I don't get ever super graph uh. I believe you can turn a clean bit dirty just buy things than vice for, but yet you are one of the most perverted people. I've ever met my life right. It's perfect with that plus. I think it's weird when you have jobs that then affect you like when I used to do morning, radio with bond reduci we're on mom station you a soccer mom station yeah we would like Danny.
Fight at a matchbox twenty concert. So that shows you what kind saying try match, but in a fight and looks he it was a great he took off. Shirt and was going to fight the entire road Jj at pine opt. Why would the shirt off in the bathroom at at sign? I think this is back in to any party that I think Danny met up with the listener in the disappeared ever happened, so we came back in and alter cocaine. No, he was never that type of guy liquor. I am not I resume and he's talking he's talk about this story. So I'm not thinking, but it was the date rape drug. What everything he did. Ghb yeah yeah, so yeah, but Danny's our tissue. He'd admit all the stuff, I don't know how they get, but so he did so then he came out crazy. Could you say Danny is scar tissue his whole or there's no way you can be alive with all the stuff that he's done really there's no way you have to be totally am embalmed? What did they do that with frog, so the bodies preserve yeah from L
yeah, his that's his entire body. Really, oh yeah he's a zombie. You camp he's not alive. What's wrong with them, he just done so much to his body. What was it like working with that guy? How long did you work with them? Never kiss him five years five. Here's on the radio every morning shut up three hundred and fifteen in the morning in Michigan, which means that's when I scraped off the ice on my thing drove forty five minutes, how many Two years it's snowing like that in Michigan. Start December and go to like May June yeah I mean so it's a long drive a June seven months seven months April and half the half the year folding, crappy, so cold and crappy three hundred and thirty in the morning you doing stand up at night, still yeah around town, but it was, I think, as I would sell out uh I mean there are some benefits. I wasn't there for plant and I was two thousand five hundred and twenty six. Why would you ever want to sleep right? So then you go radio bar appearances.
Like I was that guy movie premieres, but you get paid a lot of money. How crazy was daddy beyond crazy There's the thing with Danny. Is you never knew which guy you were going to get? You can have a guy that you work with that's a consistent ass but Then you know how to tiptoe other times Daniel, be the so this human being you've ever met and you come in the next day and you he's going to literally slit my throat. The only advantage. I mean now we're really good friends and at first he he hated me. He wanted to hit you um? Well, I never did radio before I met him. I was just a comic around town and I don't know how to talk with that person. It's Trav in a conversation with me. It's tough, so imagine being a twenty two year old kid. Not you know that exam and I was like keep it one time. You know Just didn't have my rhythm. I just didn't know we hated you because I hated me lighted working with you hated just yet yeah, and we don't want to work with you. I know wanted me fired. I just moved back from LOS Angeles, so I moved to,
Detroit to LOS Angeles and then got that job and moved back to Detroit and then fired, maybe three or four, weeks later and then did he get you fired. He got me fired and then we went to Chicago together was odd for some weird thing and then we and suddenly, like me, and then then I was on the shelf. You know what what you talking about. We did a radio show together and for some reason why we were doing it in Chicago something clicked where he's like. Oh I get, you now have friend, okay you're in any way. Okay, so I'm so confused you started have together in Michigan? You did a radio show with got you fired and they got me fired comma and they were going to give me you know: did you go to Chicago? What is the Chicago trip about? I got fired on a Friday and we were going to go to Chicago on Monday to do this loop, the loop in Chicago, so we do it as a perm.
Well, Dan would be anything was hey. I can't believe the did that you know. Won't you come to Chicago will do show Monday, so they put you up. I don't know, can still confuses he's still doing the show in Michigan and he does show all kind of tell you. Yes, he would do morning shows in Detroit afternoon in Chicago, so we would get on the southwest flight. Wait a he did a show. Every day in two markets- yes, oh my god- get on the southwest flight and fly from Detroit to Chicago do the thing and then get on another flight fly back holy shit, yeah everyday yeah. He did that for a couple months, and then you know you figured out technology but keep you know where they can isdn at where he would do it in think, but he was doing that every day that is insane yeah yeah. How long is the flight? Thirty minutes? Twenty minutes, forty yeah sort of vague iss like flying a vague yeah, and he would do it every day back and forth, and then do
radio show hold. Yes, you at ten in Chicago yeah. You got to give the guy credit for that. No one knew I was on drugs, so he got to be a dry yeah. Do that so I was fired, but he didn't tell me that it was he was like. I can't believe they did, that I did that ST like so he didn't. I do know how you that he got a dollar. Okay, so goes want. You just come to Chicago this weekend, we'll we'll party that just sucks have friend, but you know well so he's kind of like probably felt guilty I'll. Let you party in in Chicago with me right, you're gone for, like okay, did the show, with him on that Monday and he's like you know what I'm gonna make a call like. We had never listen to me. You know I mean like was a problem on the show. If you would just listen to me, he knows so. Long story short. I came back in like you know what we won't fire you but will give you you got to take a pay cut because I was making keep in mind of two thousand three hundred and twenty four morning radio in Detroit making one hundred Fifty thousand dollars I mean that's like one million dollars to a two thousand three hundred and twenty four year was this because why were they given you a pay cut? Were they doing? You know because
is I had no management or anything in there a huge corporation there? Did you get the gig in the first place, this huge radio guy, Dick Purtan in Detroit was leaving the radio station and he suggested to that management. You need to bring this Heffron kid in keeping my just you know. So then they go. Does your most in a comedian yeah and I was on a show- any is probably the the most famous radio guy in Detroit. So they hired me just because of that and put me with Dan while but Daniel how crazy, Danny's Danny's Danny is the guy who and I well, I know he's got me into fighting. He was really in the boxing and stuff. So then what he did was he came to the radio station and he had like headgear cups boxing. You know gloves. It says you know, I'm friends with Jackie Kallen we're going to go her place and we I want you to learn to box. So I have somebody to spar with. So we bought me all my appointments he bought me equipment got me crazy,
coaches, because her friend I'm going to miss each other box. So I have somebody to and we're going to spar every day from one thousand two hundred and twelve to three. That's ridiculous! a long time to get good at boxing kid. You start sparring, so we've been doing it well, yeah! So I so I got the stuff and then um, then me and Danny fought I would never been more afraid of my entire life. Like there's a thing about. You can be a really good. You go to class the only thing, but you have to have that thing in you that makes you want to kill people which I've never had. I enjoy fighting and I learn learning stuff, but I don't have that Mra this that thing Danny the complete psycho. He completely that thing and will kill you. Then that's that shortly after that's when he gave me a concussion hit me right in the back of the head to have people punching You do yeah. I know right, Danny Bernaducci, oh that's when we, so he.
Hit me in the back of the head. I went home. The girl was dating at the time, comes in my apartment and goes why'd. You buy a vcr on my kitchen table from bus by out of vcr, I'm like I didn't, buy a vcr she's like yeah, whose is that ago I don't know, looked. I saw that the credit card receipt was my signature, but this is weird. This was in the 90s when people bought dvd players, so I actually went back using technology, don't remember buying the vcr. She took me to the hospital and then the guy did the stand up on one foot thing. Fell over and he's like. What's the matter so then you know, I had a really weird Ducey knocked you backwards and technological technological with with the punch. Not you back to the yeah and then, after that he would agree with your friends. Why wasn't there anyone around to stop you from boxing him? I had no guidance, that's so sad! I know no, I wish I could have been your friend. No, no, no guy, don't do it charge. We need you here on earth. We need you for your brain,
We need to be funny we can have. But after that, Danny you, you know like any and stuff like that. Let him punch you in fire, you and he's the best guy ever yeah. You just got to go the bit bit of a gauntlet and then what is he doing as he got a show in Philly or some merit is about to get married and When will you marry? I don't know how do you know this? I know somebody had no is somebody who knows. Somebody is married him really more very interesting, yeah. He interesting guy yeah to get a fight x20 concept, you really having to work 'cause. That crowd is not necessarily Ozzfest yeah Matchbox, twenty, it's guys being forced to take their girls. You never know man. Some imo do is get really pissed when they see that chick with another dude and they realize other crying isn't working. Sometimes they turn like temper tantrum Ish right yeah with John have front. Where are you next buddy?
people were where they can catch. It sells well Johnheffron, dot, com, right, yeah, to 2fs, W John H e f. Ronk, and your role in your twitter is at John. Have from on yeah and John, I met a long time ago. We were doing the maxim calmly to our you me and Charlie Murphy and with pals. Ever since I was a front door yeah. Well, I thought it was, the financial disaster for bud light and all the people put it together. They did. The guy was. Is the promoter did like no advertising? We it showed up everywhere. Yeah kids never did any radio, we didn't do anything and then you would expect to sell out. You know seven thousand, like you, show you ever done when you the city sells out, especially for me at that time even go. Four years later, I was selling out like crazy, but then so you would think,
and that just shows you nobody knew about it. Nobody knew about. It was a mess yeah, even just my own friends that know about it, and I didn't promote it very well on my own shit on my website and everything I thought they had it taken care of. I didn't think you think that you're like finally there's a tour with a lot of money behind it, they're going to put posters and they're going to do some stuff. I didn't get it the whole selling. The promotion is actually a part of the job. I never thought of it. That way said I'll. It'll take care of itself, someone will take care of it and they don't take care of it. If you don't, let people know about it yeah, they actually get upset like what the fuck dude didn't even know. You had a show yeah yeah. I started concentrating more on my message board and on my message, but rather my mailing list and twitter and all that shit after that yeah, you know it's not when someone else puts together stuff on, but it was a fun gig. You know yeah. We we had a good time and I would love to do some more gigs like that. What you should do, some some travel, the yeah they did. A it's where you just have to know acts are so different. You know we should do some some big gigs together. You know where we you know we made make our fan.
Meet. I was sort of yeah. I was sort of a cool thing where you dumb, you know how they have all these four leases places in every city So to do you can go to any mall strip, mall, there's buildings, we just to see the power of the internet and go we're in this city, we're doing it corner of this. You know run out one of those places for the day, but not a normal comedy place like a restaurant that went out of business right, and he gives set up a sound system, and then you go we're going to show up, and then you blast it to your network and see how many people show up in that one area. That's an interesting idea. If you knew the venue in advance, he knows you have to pre, and then you have to go and just see it kind of like a workspace comedy show but or you just do it by the way. I should mention this. What is the shit and we will be doing it soon- is Kevin Smith, Smodcastle in LA it is shit. I did Tom Green's podcast from there he does alive, live podcast with an audience, it's fun
as shit. It's like half step yep, comedy half audience like we got to do Joey, it's it's and read about what did he call it pod Card Castle Smith, Smodcast Smith Podcast, just like almost like a studio for people, do podcasts, like you know what it's like. It's like one of those little tiny theaters where they teach acting classes. That's what it looks like it's like one of those really small theaters seats, maybe fifty people and they have a stage. Then my phone set up and you just give the dude Nasty SD card. He slaps it in end of end of its over. They sell tickets again in the tickets, pay for renting the place. Twenty bucks, twenty minus such an old school way. If, if you think of that, what's a guy camp will will will be gone, that old radio garrison, Keillor yeah, I know but but you're thinking, you're doing a live, show in front a lot of people that so old school. The way that they used do the party was got a podcast and they did a live show where they had
people in the audience, and it was just web cam for twenty. It was really I did Caroles podcasts latinas. It was odd. 'cause Corolla had it almost like a radio show, you know one guy would be. These guys will go up for fifteen minutes in the next, because we go up for fifteen minutes. You know, I think you know, and then you you were almost felt like I was doing stand up. It was like real. I was doing stand up on stage with him. You know we're just riffing and talking about she was very strange. I think the way we do it. It would be more interesting like the way we do it. Where It's the whole podcast is just some long run on conversation with someone. Interesting, I need a list having rest come in yeah, yeah, yeah, new gas, and you go to the crowd. To you know you let the crowd, ask questions, give them a microphone. You know Tom Green went out to the crowd and, and then you know, the crowd gets to throw questions at you and and talk to a window for Joe who going allow any of that nonsense. None of that silliness yeah those are the most people you got to do that. That would be off the great thing about technology fees I was playing
you have whatever it is from just kind of knowing you and some other stuff done. I have no a lot of fighters, funny? When I was in the tournament every time I would come up against a fighter that I know I would take a picture of it. And then I would tweet him. So it's cool that you had that much interaction. Now it could be playing a video game. Oh there's, Frank Trigg, I'm going to let Frank Trigg know and bought the knock him out, and then you I send send him a video. Here's what's going to happen to hey. Do you think that you could set it up so that we could try to do some sort of a cyber comedy club thing? Do you If you know these Cisco people, do you really great to hear this be someone who would be into doing so they're really into because the cool thing is they were using me to show that it doesn't have to be stuffy but here's another cool. They also have that. I don't know what it's called. It's home unit, not home unit. Look I'm talking about, but you
You could do a home unit, but I'm talking about setting it up in a hotel somewhere where you sell tickets online. The people come to the hotel at the Marriott like I have. To be honest, I meant so many hotels that I forgot, which one is doing but I'm pretty sure it's like the Marriott or some and what you do. Is you technically? How were for businesses. Is you rent out that space and then somebody rents it out whatever dude we should really sit down? All we just show is over and talk about this, because this could be a great way, so we don't have to travel. You can do it at Cisco. I know that like we could go to there for this that's? What I did was hilarious right in when I was in New York. Why wait a minute stop where Cisco off of Santa Monica to no way yeah. It was the one of the buildings. I've done it from you, so they have like a studio there. It's due to Chris, it's like a huge Imagine five hundred cube, for people to work, but nobody works there because everybody works at home. It's like their crazy is
place. You walk in, they all work at home yeah. So it's all these empty desks, but it's a huge office building and then they have a big conference room with this technology set up in there, so they all use this video conferencing technology. No one goes to work yeah, no nobody! So when I went there to secretary, let me in and I'm a pretty fucked nope yeah and I was about to go to do my thing last time I did it. There were thirty people in the room with me right. So there was some energy that right this time show up by myself. I'm like oh there's going to be: there's nobody. One guy shows up your liaison. So then we walked around the cubicles. I went to two guys. I didn't know that are working and go hey, dude go in there and do stand up. You need to come in there with me, so I'm not the only one. You need to sit next to me,
and when I'm doing my material or talking smile and laugh team type like I don't even know this guy, you wait in the waiting room, so you went and grabbed people gather to guys and said, go need to not you. Not only did you grab them, you instructed them on how to Ojuara diva John yeah you're a diesel goddammit. Well, no, because now it's a lot because I didn't want to be there and then have have the guy sitting next to me just lay down, but he's not getting paid you're the one getting paid. He did it and it was like a cool kind of would be hated. Your comedy yeah well, that would have sucked. But there was a two of the coolest guy. Podcast is like we're doing this informing there's a one thousand and eighty six people tuned in right now, while we're doing this so you're doing the same thing you doing stand up for one thousand people right now: yeah, it's the same school, that's cool but it was weird and remind me when I was I'm doing a lot of colleges performing you'd have to do these noon. Teasers we'd go in at noon in the in the student union? What you never had to do
so you have to go in, they would make you go so you and Brian are studying. I would have to go up ago. He guys This is keep my no tv credits. So nothing stop it. I would go here you better, William John F in the comic Cobian you I'll be in the Raths Keller tonight at eight go and you have to do you go round to tables, and this is part of your contract to get get people to show at the show at night time stop that when only the one hundred percent I I would do the constant, oh, my god, I've never heard of them. Back in the day when I was in my early twenties, I would do eighty to a hundred colleges a year. Oh, my god. This is pre or Post Danny Bohn a Duche. This is a pre radio, so keep in mind, I'm using one cushion to blame. No I'm two thousand one hundred and twenty. So now it's
two thousand and twenty some years later in eight billion dollars more for the show that I'm doing I'm going around to random people called hey guys. Would it be in this room? Can you come into its so funny how it comes full circle and it's the same but you're getting paid away more, that's hilarious! I really think that that could be a unique thing. Real those guys were going to be a real business, a sigh for comedy. Well, here's what I thought that Simon and a Strip club so then going into room going. I was turned it back. Okay, so I would like to see a girl in Bang cock in Bam, you're in Bang cock. Well, I guess you could do that, but there's a lot of videos out there dude, but start talking to get some webcam show this webcam shows and I'll have them set up, so we can do it will do it. Let's do a comedy club, I think, if we can set it up with a few hotel, in a few different cities you know I'm back,
we fight only is also use online. Yeah he's usually hold it. Let me to certain promoter in each individual town to make sure that there's seating and then they have alcohol or whatever they have it at the show, because you do it at the hotel. There yeah hotel bar right, the they can have someone or you can come in yeah and the mission is wait staff there and have it like a cyber comedy club, great idea. Dude I've done it and have I brought your video to see yeah you can't, but dude, it's fun but people in a right but you're doing it all through the corporate network? Where is you have to be super squeaky clean? What I want do is use them and, like maybe like get them and have it just be a yeah just whatever you feel like talking about yeah yeah, I don't have to worry about being clean. I don't have to worry about the well. We can use our technology yeah yeah. I know this is your using their technology and they out to whoever wants it. You could be talking about anything yes, this is. We need to talk to them.
Something has come out of this podcast, ladies and gentlemen, birth. An idea like you will it bear fruits. We do not know, we can uh yeah, but it's one of the beautiful things in life. Sometimes just you have ideas and those ideas create something 'cause the imagination. Manifest things in real life. The imagination seems like a frivolous thing, but without it we would have nothing It is a real thing. It's a force, it's a force that makes ideas appear to the work of man. I TE if you look around wherever you're watching this look around your room, that you're in everything you're looking at with somebody's idea. Mad truth every front. Everything was thank you tuning in thank you to the flesh light. If you go to Joe Rogan dot net and click on the link for the flesh, you get fifteen percent off when you enter in the promo code, Rogan beat off to your heart's content, you silly little monkeys. Thank you. You, Brian Redband, join me on Twitter, please!
in his very very sad about his twitter numbers. What is your twitter numbers right now? Buddy, I don't know we're gonna find your mind that might go up like tell me like one thousand four hundred and fifty a week. What is it mean Nine thousand four hundred many more mean one thousand four hundred around that bad and I that thing where I follow everybody who followed me and then they caught how about that it I have to make a lot of list, so I you know I mean I had a. I had a star, blogger and I've started on following people. I I I have a few dummies that save your interesting shakers are so stupid, but I was, I was phone way too many hours how's alright. Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for tuning in one of her
Thank you, everybody for everything you do out there. Keeping it real in the real world can't force positive moving it all in a good direction, stay strong! There will be peaks and valleys. There will be ripples in ways, but you've got to maintain your own personal. Once that's my that's my word but the electrified mode balance, that's why I'm were the and gentlemen. As always, I love you bitches see in Vegas February, fourth mentally Bay, theater, don't sleep tickets going fast way, just killed it with some gay segway. We did you just do Jake. Take it off to get this imo wack ass, low blue from little Wayne to Eminem still needs a roast beef sandwich. What are you to do to me. We had a great ending to the podcast.
Died of AIDS Knuckle Dr Dre thanks. Okay, allegedly, you really think doctors raise a homosexual. Yes, what makes you say that it's all about making that? No, because his dick tastes like shit? Well, he had a big night going out those words of wisdom, ladies and gentlemen, fuck my words of wisdom. You know what to do. Shit's hitting the fan stay strong, it's a mad mad world out there. Ladies and gentlemen, this Thursday,
Christmas podcast with Man flavor a k, a Joe Diaz, this Thursday, probably two or three, depending on what Joey schedules like Brian Red Band and who knows who else we might have a full couch bitches thanks, everybody love you bye in my court, trying to steal.
Transcript generated on 2019-10-04.