Modern love, the pod cast a supported by before the work messages begin to pour in let's gift ourselves a good morning, a good morning as a moment to pause and ease into the day. It's I meant to run and chase the sunrise or to gently settle in routine a good morning. As a moment to be present to find clarity and beeg as for the day ahead. Good days start with good mornings and good mornings start with Yogi tea Yogi tea. Tease me to do more than just

tastes. Good, oh from the New York Times and WB are Boston. This is modern love, the stories of love loss and redemption. I'm your host, Magna, Chakrabarti, the some fathers get to know their daughter's love interest by inviting him or her over for dinner. Other dad's go straight to Google million blind carers. Father preferred the latter Daniel Brooks best known as tasty on the Netflix here. Orange is the new black reads: Amelia essay about that rustle in the bushes. When my sister Ardell first told me about the binder, I could feel my body tense.

A younger version of me would have immediately dialed my father and confronted him because who would- Leave that my seventy seven year old Father Google stocks my boyfriend's and keeps a binder of his savage. Details and opinions for reference, but years of therapy taught me to wait ten seconds before automatically exploding with anger. So in this case, I was able to keep cool long enough to decide to bring it up later with him in person. If you were to look up the term helicopter parenting in the Wikipedia of my life, you would see a picture of my parents. They be the ones in the Huey. The ominous military chopper used in the Vietnam WAR noisy and clunky. My parents made their presence known in my childhood house. They read mail

As to my siblings in me, rummage through drawers and open doors without knocking, it was the norm for them to be invasive and their lack of respect for privacy. Annoyed me, Although my siblings weren't, as forthcoming with my parents, about their lives, I always told them the truth. It took me a while to figure out that they didn't want a true retelling of events, but the one that fit the fiction of how they thought my life should be. My parents were more attuned to the upbeat experiences the rough patches were harder for them to process. Not long after I learned about the binder my father asked about the man I was then dating a newscaster. I decided to play it cool to see if he would come clean about it. That guy was all over the media. My father didn't need to look very hard to find him later when

sitting my parents for the holidays. My father asked: did you know he used to be married? I used to be married to I said yes, but you have no idea why he got divorced. My father tried to pry me for more information, but newscaster had told me what I needed to know, and that was good enough for me. By the way I asked moving closer to where he was sitting at desk. How do you know he was divorced? is on the internet. He said innocently smiling as if to fuse the mounting tension. Our dynamic has always been tumultuous. We argue a lot men in the past have told me. I have a tone that sarcastic and mocking a tone that broadcast to the receiver

I think you're an idiot. My mother doesn't have this voice. I must mimic my father I know about the binder dad. I finally said Ideal told me, show it to me when I don't know what you're talking about he said Ardell told me that you have a binder with information on the people, I've dated he squirmed but offered no confession. Did he believe he wasn't doing anything wrong. I was calling his bluff Do I need to ask mom, I said to their credit, my parents act as a unit

even if one of them has a wacky idea, they always back each other up mom. Can you show me the binder I shouted into the other room? Did you ask your father? She shouted back. I don't know what you're talking about it was obvious she knew she's a terrible liar. I looked at my father he act a bit and then blurted out. How am I going to protect you, although he is physically agile and mentally acute for a senior citizen? He is not in any shape to be a vigilante on my behalf. His world view too, is a bit skewed. He delights in news stories about corruption, scandals and suspect,

activities something about doomsday movies play Cates him, whereas my mother used to take my siblings in me to see the latest Disney film. My father said with us in front of the television to watch soil and green and blade runner among others. If the populists came, he wanted us to be ready with my father's mentoring, understood that the world wasn't cuddly and charming, but dark and sinister.

It wasn't that my father was trying to frighten or upset my siblings in me. Rather, I think he was showing us through the movies, never to accept life at face value. As an adult I chose sunny and sweet. It just seemed less anxiety provoking that way. I bought the room to see if my father had the audacity to keep my dating binder on the shelf. With his other records, he kept files on all his doctors. Each two inch plastic binder was labeled with the physicians name, written on surgical tape, with a black sharpie marker other than details about my father's specific ailments. Each doctor's binder contained a print out of whatever personal and professional

Romanian, my father could assemble if nothing else, he was a meticulous reykir keeper, but he wouldn't give up my binder so you're not gonna. Let me see it asked. I don't know what you're talking about. If my father I hadn't become an engineer. He would have made a great spa, at he tried to contain his obsessive worry after I left for college, but every so often he would show up in there will be again like the time he visited my Brooklyn apartment and insisted on buying me. Electrical outlet covers as if I was

an infant who might stick a fork into the socket. His concerns abated when I was married, because there was another person to worry about me, but his protective instincts came back and triple strength after I was divorced in the moment. Here's what I knew he had a binder, my mother denied My sister had seen it yet. My father wouldn't come first because he knew his actions were overstepping my boundaries did he, really think I can take care of myself. That offended me in years past his constant second guessing had into blowouts. Our shouting matches had made us both feel terrible afterwards. So this time around

I wasn't going to let it reach that level. I knew I could take care of myself. Even if some of my previous relationships hadn't worked out, I still trusted my judgment. I was willing to take on the risk my father just needed to tell me the truth about the binder. Well, if you're gonna keep a file on him, I said at least let me help you pick out the articles. My father turned on his computer and we scrolled through various articles written by the newscaster, not a google stalker myself. I never seen what came up. His writing was informative and smart. The video clip showed his sense of humor. There definitely was enough material

Go for a private investigator to find this guy. He was hiding in plain sight. At this point I thought my father would crack, but he stubbornly held his ground. Obviously this was his attempt to reinsert some control into my world. Even if he wasn't around to witness it, I thought I could handle a small bit of intrusion. We just needed to negotiate an understanding. You can research, the men I'm dating, I offered but I don't want you to tell me what you find unless the guy has a criminal record. I like to know that, but nothing else, okay, he said turning back to his computer. He was doing his best.

Is exactly but all the sighing and loud typing betrayed him. His fears were something he would need to learn to manage for himself, and then I felt something a hand before regarding his overbearing ways, tenderness. It felt oddly comforting to know that my father has my back in his paranoid way, since I don't have children ass, my brother Arturo, what he thought as the parent of to pre teenage daughters. Would he behave in the same way? I think my need to control their lies will diminish as they age. He said

but it might gain in resurgence as I age. Then he offered this sanguine observation at least he's trying to stay in touch and be involved, albeit in a covert manner. True, so I've decided. not to fight it anymore, but I intend to warn any love interests not to post anything on my facebook wall, because my personal private investigator is only a click away and any thing suspicious is likely to go on. His permanent record Danielle Brooks reading Amelia Blank blinkers essay about that rustle in the bushes

We ask annual why she chose Emilius Essay and it turns out that she is experiencing some parental input in her own love life. I met that aid where my mother is dying for a grandchild and for me to also walk down that aisle, so I just felt this is the perfect. for where I am in my mid twenties, you can see Daniel Brooks in season. Five of orange is the new black and in season two of master of none they're both streaming on Netflix, there's more in a moment.

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It may have happened again today. I have one friend who I will send screenshots from spelling bee of inappropriate words that I always get nervous that I sent it to my parents or something like that was my dad. It was the first time together and I was out. I think I got to see it J C, K, P, o Jack jackpot panic yeah, nice I'm same is asking the digital puzzles editor for the New York Times. You can try, spelling bee and all our games at annoying times dot com, flash games, we're back its modern love. The pied cast a magnet trucker birdie Now this is usually where we hear from the author who wrote the story you just heard, but we're very sad to say that a meal

a blank kara died unexpectedly in March due to complications from hypertension. She was just forty seven years old, however her father Arturo and to our Del agreed to tell us more about Amelia and they were thrilled to hear. her modern love, peace was being shared on the pod cast, I think, would have been really excited and really pleased that her work was being valued that our Del, who told us that writing was actually Emilius third career. She worked in publishing and thence. Twelve years as a lawyer before enrolling in Columbia's Mfa, nonfiction program, writing was so fulfilling to her and just a very generous student and a very just, as human being and was very thoughtful in the classroom. Amelia also taught workshops

lead student writing groups at Columbia and and Y. U and all of her students have been able to send us condolences on what sharing spirit she had and she created this atmosphere within the classroom that enable people to feel vulnerable and to feel safe in sharing their writing. Amelia knew this vulnerability. Well, her modern love piece was one of many personal essays she had published. She did show the essay to her father before exposing his Google stalking ways to millions of readers, but Arturo Didn't deny a word of it. I know more than she knows about the dates, because I got there you school amber and a protective birther say Arturo is eighty four years old and lives in Florida with Amelia's mother, a fleur de lis. He no longer has Emilius binder, but he does still have the

once he created on his sons, wives, but they do not. They don't know now they do dad. Don't you think it's a little bit crazy to actually create like a dossier on every single person that your child And has ever dated or had a romantic interest in? Oh I'm, just chicken to do okay, see if you're in love, you use your head, but you don't use your mindset, so I have to be behind us how to be like a buck, helps thanks. Dad with your decision, that's Amelia did the deciding for herself in her own life from romance

to career to travel. She spent time in Brazil, Spain and the Philippines where her family is from in Brooklyn. She became deeply involved in her community garden and in the Brooklyn Queens lanterns, She used her law degree to create a sustainable legal structure for the organization and that sort of combination of her love of gardening and her legal background and the writing was common eating in a proposal for a book that she had had a working title of citizen gardener and was about the fight Save New York City's community gardens from development, citizen gardener was Amelia's thesis project at Columbia, Ardell accepted Amelia's Emma Faye on her behalf last month and she's working with Amelia's professors to find a way to finish the project Arturo, told us that Amelia's wide network of students, classmates and gardeners has made the impact of her loss even greater Malone,

I remembered, but it's too many people she's happy contributing Darius, and I learn a lot from her who must give birth to other peppers to touch what they said, because that will make you hub. I miss her laugh. I miss her face. I miss her. wit and I keep wanting to continue on her. Her work and her Spirit ambit a good book to help her my daughter, fun. man. My wife will love her and we miss her too much Arturo blank. Roebling Kara Father of a meal a blank era. We also heard from Amelia Sister Argyll job. You can see pictures of Amelia.

And her family on our website. Double be why dot org, slash, modern love will hear from Daniel Jones after the break. I love allowing my boyfriend and I often play stalling, be together by together. I mean sitting next to each other playing individually and not cheating. Sometimes when I open up scowling d- and I see that you have completed a few words on your own, I feel a little betrayed. Inferring

It may have happened again today. I have one friend who I will send screenshots from spelling bee of inappropriate words that I always get nervous that I sent it to my parents or something like that was my dad. It was the first time together and I was out- I think I got to see it- J C K, P, o g jackpot panic yeah nice, I'm same as earth's sky. The digital puzzles editor for the New York Times. You can try spelling bee and all our games at N Y Times dot com, slash games as Editor of the modern love column for the New York Times Daniel Jones gets I know these stories inside out, but news of His sudden passing gave him a different perspective on her essay. It's tempting to look at an essay. That's taken from a life as this complete piece, but they aren't complete pieces,

wives go on and things change, and this is a piece that just takes on a whole. Meaning and a whole new resonance and just a tragic level of how protective love can really only go so far. You know you can't it's just such a parent's nightmare to think you've launched your children out into the world and you have to let go of and you think, oh they're- going to be okay, everybody's going to be okay, that's just the way that it works out and surely just hollows you out to think of this story in that context of a father who cared so deeply and tried so hard. in order to have it in this way. It really young affects you. Modern love is a

of the New York Times and W B you are Boston, NPR station, its produced directed and edited by Jessica, John Parodi and Emory secrets. additional sound design this week by Matt read the gift for the modern love. Podcast was conceived by LISA Tobin. Irish, learn our executive. Pretty Sir Daniel Jones is the leader of modern love for the New York Times and adviser to the show music for the podcast, courtesy of a p dot m. Omegna chakrabarty see you next week, the the.