« Modern Love

Beware Of Big Boxes | With Pamela Adlon

2016-12-21 | 🔗

Pamela Adlon of the FX series "Better Things" reads an essay about the dangers of romanticizing romantics.

This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
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modern from the New York Times and W B Boston. This is modern, modern stories of love loss and redemption. I'm your host magnet Chakrabarti. The remember that time. You wanted your significant other to be more romantic. Writer, Cindy Hsu Pack says be careful what you wish for
PAMELA Adlon STAR of the hit fx comedy series better things read: Cindy's essay in marriage, beware of big boxes in any marriage, even the best marriage. There will come a day when you wonder why you married this person it's hard to fathom. at your wedding this handsome tuxedoed man is publicly binding, his life to yours, and you think it would have to no inside my house before, I would ever feel anything but love for this man, it snowed inside my house. I'm not saying that metaphorically. I am telling you it snowed inside my house, because, a few years ago to kick off the holiday season, my husband Ian,
I did, even though we didn't have kids yet, even though I never said I miss snow that I would enjoy a snow machine and it wasn't freaky snow, not that I would have enjoyed flaky snow, but Ian did admit later. He thought it would be flaky that's the problem with ordering things like a snow machine online. You never can be sure if the snow will be just mildly. going or marriage ending annoying. Instead, Snow was sudsy like a washing machine was overflowing in our upstairs loft and spew insides down into the living room,
where I was flipping through a magazine in front of the fire having been instructed not to peek, while even set up of the big surprise. I have to admit I had a bad feeling about the big surprise. It came in a big box and there's not much. I can think of that. A woman would want that. Comes in a big box, chocolate and jewelry common small boxes, clothes come in relatively small boxes, they say good things come in small packages, I say bad things come in big boxes, so I was prepared for something I might have to feign excitement over a new drum set for rock band, I'm on the fence about whether its polite or stupid to feign excitement over a gift from your spouse. On the one hand, you want a reward, his efforts and encourage future gift, giving on the other hand, that's the guy,
and a flawed thinking that leads women to fake orgasms with men who have no idea where the click is and those men have no idea. They have no idea, that's the danger of faking, but I didn't have time to fake a response. I had a genuine response in a voice. I barely recognize that shrieked what the happening. Let me tell you what the hell was happening. The snow was accumulating on the floor and landing in giant clumps on the rug, coffee table, leather, chair and walls real Does not land on a smooth vertical surface, like a wall snow dead until slowly started slide down, leaving a thin trail in its wake, like a snail,
I finally yell stops us and amazingly that was the first moment even realise the expression on my face was not joy. but horror. He turned the machine, often explained that the snow was non, staining and non toxic and could simply be vacuumed up, which would have been nice to know earlier, but I guess that would have ruined the big surprise. I was beginning to think the big surprise was that in did know. The first thing about me did I mention the housekeeper had just finished cleaning. I love a clean house
and certainly knew that about me. Maybe he thought the house would be super clean after this veritable indoor car wash, but instead it looked like a rave. It happened in our living room and I said as much in fact I think I said more, and that was the moment. I realized the expression on Ian's, This was not remorse but disappointment and he was not disappointed in the snow machine, as I felt he should be as a consumer. He was disappointed in me. He had imagined us dancing in the snow. He was still looking down at me from the loft when he confessed this, so we were kind of a reverse Romeo and Juliet in more ways than one
and does not abandon a plan easily, so he smiled and said, come on, babe one dance and then he turned the snow back on and hurried downstairs still hopeful. The evening could be salvaged, maybe even made romantic, and I thought what if this is one of those moments like the night, we officially moved in together in New York, Ian wanted to eat chinese food sitting on boxes, and I wanted to unpack the boxes and he finally said he was going to a bar. If I wasn't going to be fun- and I worried- I might not always be fun- and what then, of course, the next morning, our first Monday waking up together and our new home
I regretted everything. Why was I so concerned with unpacking that I couldn't enjoy our first night in our first joint apartment? That's a once in a lifetime thing, so I told Ian. I thought we should have a certain number of do over days in our relationship. We should each get say three days that don't count against you, no matter what you do and Ian said great sea on Thursday. Okay, that was funny. But the truth is you don't get do overs certain moments in life? Never come back and I worried that maybe be winter. Wonderland was one of them So I tried it was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I tried to smile and dance with Ian in the snow until two seconds
later when my shoes started to slip and slide in the suds, and I was getting faux snow in my hair and I screamed can't do it and as a ran outside all, I could think of, Why did I marry this person? I imagine Ian was standing inside in the snow thinking the same thing and it was like in the movies, we never looked at each other and started laughing hysterically, the whole night.
Was really kind of terrible, especially during the cleanup process, which was in fact a process. First of all, I was surprised that I was expected to help, but I decided to pick my battles. I did not, for example, point out that the bubbles did not simply vacuum up. The vacuum mostly just pushed the bubbles around, but we did get into a disagreement about whether something can be for indoor use. Only. This happened because I suggested that perhaps having snow outside of our house may have been a way to go. I could have come home to the one house in LOS Angeles that had snow or he could have put the snow machine on the roof and then, while we were sitting by the fire, he could have pointed out the
do said, look it's snowing. It's for indoor use only was his response Nothing is for indoor use only. I said if you can use it indoors, you can use it outdoors unless it's so poisonous, it would kill. animals and then it shouldn't be used indoors either. We finally agreed to disagree on that one, but I did have to admit that the stains on the chair and Wall miraculously disappeared, to which in replied dryly. It's not miraculous. It's non toxic and non staining. Finally, as if reading it for burial in place the snow machine back in the Big box between two containers of bubble refill, which were to my surprise
under the bathroom sink where in had already stash them, for I guess the next time we wanted snow in the house and then he said he would give the snow machine to someone at work. Who would appreciate it? I had to bite my tongue to keep from asking who would that be someone who hates her house, as we carried several large trash bags of bubbles outside to the trash in reminded me that sometimes I love is grand gestures. I couldn't remember one I loved until he said when I proposed on the beach on a horse. I admitted that was a good one, maybe because the horse was an in our living room, but that's the thing about romantic:
don't romanticize them, they can be hit or miss as it turned out. There was a woman in Ian's office who had two toddlers, Anna Linoleum Kitchen and the kids and her husband loved the snow machine. In fact, They had so much fun. They invited more children to enjoy more snow on Christmas day. So maybe the gift was just early several years and one linoleum kitchen early, and it is not lost on me that this gift ended a hard year when Ian and I got further from not closer to having children of our own. But it was also a year, despite our indoor snowstorm, that Ian and I got closer to not further from each other
PAMELA Adlon Cindy shoe packs essay in marriage. If you're hiring, you know can feel it confer a needle in a haystack. You just hope the rate Canada comes along, but not when you use it for cruder zipper. Critters technology finds qualified candidates, for you then actively invites them to apply. In fact, four out of five employers who posted zip recruiter, get a qualified candidates within the first day, chide free today at zero cruder, dot com, slash and my tea that super cruder, dot com, slash and wide t recruiter the smartest way to hire. I love spelling my boyfriend and I often play spelling bee together by together, I mean sitting next to each other of playing intervention. and not cheating. Sometimes, when I open up spelling bee- and I see that you have completed a few words on your own- I feel a little betrayed.
they may have happened again. I have one. And who I will send screenshots from spelling bee of inappropriate words. Then I was getting nervous. I sent it to my parents or something me and my dad. We likes this funny together and I wish Heather out it. J, C K, P, o t Jack jackpot panic yeah, NICE, I'm same as earth's sky. The digital puzzles editor for the New York Times. You can try spelling bee and all our games at N Y Times dot com, slash games, beware of big boxes. Pebble is currently the co create actor writer producer director and star of the critically acclaimed fx series. Better things: season. One is streaming now will link to it at our website. B. U R, DOT, Org, slash, modern, the
So any excitement, since the snow machine will speak with Cindy even after the break up of living proof, products make life you're just ask backs from New Zealand, so yeah, I'm currently living in a van and driving across the US with my boyfriend, so saw both prime silence, tender and perfect headache. Dry shampoo. Allow me to go longer between washes, so my hair style cleaner for longer, which, when I was working in Africa and now currently living in a van, as is great for me, because I it's a little longer between showers use the code, prime at living dot, com for a free travel size, prime style extender, with your twenty dollar order.
This is modern love, magnet awkward party when we said that we spoke with Cindy Sindifu Pack and Ian its true because Cindy was the one who actually suggested that e join her in the studio. Thirteen years together hasn't dulled his commitment to keeping things interesting, but That doesn't mean they agree on all of his choices. For example, Ian turned fifty back in October and he. I need to do something special, something different. There was an incident with some tie wish balloons, and I guess I should explain our history with these tie wish blades, which was kind romantic, which is how all these stuck rich. So when we were trying to have a baby which took five years of serve trying everything in a lot of heart, ache and displacement, and we finally adopted our daughter, Libya
Who were madly in love with and she's five? Now, almost six anyway, we had, we had been in Thailand and on one Valentine's day and we had lit this wish balloon, which is kind of a tradition there, this giant balloon and it has a flame underneath it a new lighted and you make a wish and it goes up into the sky and goes and goes and goes until it disappears anyway. So Ian has since found the
the internet, where all these gesture can be recreated with a little bit of internet research, and it can be done in the privacy of your own home and sometimes outside your home, would be better anyway, on his birthday, we were out on. The beach would seem perfectly safe with a bunch of friends and he was lighting them and I was totally game right. I tried long timer to block the wind and help him light it it and set it off, but then it didn't so we were walking back to our house and we passed through this alley. That's between condos and I guess I'm not let go, and it was I didn't know he wasn't laying over to suddenly I turned around and he and his friends are trying to light this wish balloon away from the wind and it does late and it lifts up and lodges itself into the balcony of
in the apartment for two seconds and comes right back out it felt longer than it was that executive. I would have been up there like thirty, so there's a staircase, then it would have been fine and it's a closed balcony and then it got worse because he dislodged which seemed miraculous like oh somehow. He manages to get through these things and I shouldn't worry and then lodge itself into power lines which floated the power lines. My god, I seriously had image of the whole of everything exploding. Despite all the laughing now, the snow machine Incident came at a very hard time when Ian and Cindy were trying everything to get pregnant. That baby thing as hard as it was. We
that were either on the same page or respectful of whatever the other needed. If we needed a break or- and that seemed endless, Ian really wanted a child as soon as we got married, which is that I think why men get married. A lot of time like men were happy with their lies, but what you might want to finally settle down and marry when you want a baby, so he really was ready to have a baby and it took us a long time and he was very respectful of the time I needed. But so in that case we were really on the same page in the snow. Machine really did stand out, it's kind of a moment where we were just one totally different pages. I think that's why I felt two, maybe so dire with the gestures you never really have time to. You know, practice them or why not, because because that would totally destroy the moment and it was like that was it, so it was cute and
What would have happened was that we would have gotten some sun stuff on our on our clothes for two seconds, but it was a great idea. Many people. After that modern love piece came out. I wrote two on the New York Times Facebook site and in comments that I was just ungrateful and didn't deserve the sky in winter. Romantic thing- and there was a lot of that- I think all the people who agreed with me- maybe just sat quietly and were grateful. They didn't have never seen in their house, but the people who thought I didn't deserve Ian and that I should have enjoyed it were a boisterous. So that was a little just interesting and gave me pause. Not educational, not as occasional adults as it is.
informative, maybe just guessing out there. Still I mean I'm, I'm glad I did it. I'm glad you're safe at it, I'm glad we're still laughing about it and chances are I'll. Do it again or something very something very different and it'll, be something I'm completely unprepared for that's the beauty of it. I love doing this kind of stuff. It cracks me up and that's great fuel. Really fun to do, and I would say I know when I was when I was. Go for along diamond, didn't marry until late in life and had kind of it. What I thought was already a big life said I loved and travelled and had runs and I love spelling bee my boyfriend and I often play spelling bee together by together I mean sitting next to each other playing individual. And not cheating. Sometimes when I open up spelling bee- and I see that you have completed a few words on your own, I feel a little betrayed They may have happened again. Are you? I have one for
and who I will send screenshots from spelling bee of inappropriate words. Then I was getting nervous. I sent it to my parents, or something me and my dad. We likes this funny together and I wish Heather out it J, C K, P, o g jackpot panic yeah. Nice I'm same is asking the digital puzzles editor for the New York Times. You can try, spelling bee and all our games at annoying times. Dot com, flash games, it really felt like. I didn't want to marry someone unless it would make my life bigger and I would be forced to grow, and I you know I think I asked for the snow machine in a way. I deserved this no machine, and they wouldn't know really in retrospect, wanted
wildlife with you without it cause it's big part of our story. I guess Cindy Hsu Pack and her husband, Ian Wallach cindy- has one two Emmys and three golden globes as a tv writer and producer, her credits include divorce, better things, modern family sex in the city and everyone loves Raymond. she's, also written to comic memoirs, including the longest date life as a wife from which this modern love essay was excerpted, Ian works. As a lawyer, in LOS Angeles, PAMELA Adlon has something else to add to this story, and so does Dan Jones Editor of the modern love column for the New York Times more Isn't it the Modern love the podcast is made possible, by me, undies producing the most comfortable underwear, you've ever experienced each pair
men's and women's has a touch of special fabric made with raw materials that are scientifically proven to be three times softer than cotton. If they aren't the most comfortable best. I think ever had they'll refund you and let you keep your first pair free and right now you can get twenty percent off your first, twitter at me? Undies dot, com, slash, modern. They deliver right your door with free shipping. So don't wait. Go to me. Undies, dot, com, slash, modern right now,. Dan Jones. Editor of the modern love column says this essay, despite its comedic tone, really communicates a lot about the reality of long term relationships. This piece made me laugh so many times about just the true aspects of marriage, particularly where it applies to opposites attracting and how you can first be drawn to someone for how different they are from you and then those differences become these glaring, so
is of conflict and in Cindy story in particular. You know he's this outgoing fun, loving posing on a horse on the beach kind of guy, and she thinks all these things are: are romantic and fun during their courtship phase, but then these are the exact same impulses which are sort of fundamentally different from who she is, but the way that Cindy just gets at these flashpoints in average- and you know she- she is a long time writer for for sex in the city and idling knows what the funny quirky moments in relationships and dating, and she knows that world through and through Dan Jones editor of modern love for the New York Times. If you want to hear about dance thoughts on love check out his book love illuminated exploring life's most mystifying subject with the help of fifty thousand strangers special.
Two PAMELA Adlon for reading. This week's essay turns out that PAMELA, Cindy and Ian go way back and their friendship started. Naturally, on a set, I played a girl named Crystal Baker, and that was the name of the episode and she was a pregnant teen It has no idea, she's pregnant and go into labor and the doctors looking at me in going Crystal breathe, you're having a baby, and I was in a mall trying to steal something with my friend and I'm in big who bearings going. That's a path of all and I give birth to this little pray me and the baby, daddy was in an It's like in the military. So that's how Anne and I met and then later I hired Cindy to write a draft of a script for my new show called better things and and she asked me to read this her personal story for her and she's somebody who in
tires me and she's. Somebody that I love very much, and they are such good people I love them PAMELA and Cindy both right for ethics, is better things which just received it. There's Guild award nomination for best new series, never miss an episode of this podcast subscribe on Itunes or your favorite podcast app. You can also join our Facebook community at Facebook, dot, com, slash, modern love, Modern love is the production of the New York Times and W B you are Boston, NPR station, its produced, directed and edited by Jessica, Albert John Parodi and every it's the idea for the modern love. Podcast was conceived by LISA Tobin Iris Adler's, our executive producer, Daniel owns- is the editor of modern love for the New York Times and adviser to the show music for the part cast courtesy of Pierre. I'm. Making trucker body see you next.
Transcript generated on 2022-04-17.