« Modern Love

Cropped Out Of My Own Fantasy | With Kirsten Vangsness

2017-11-01 | 🔗

Kirsten Vangsness ("Criminal Minds") reads an essay about a relationship where the perfect images posted online don't match the reality.

This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Modern love! The podcast is supported by the for the work messages begin to pour in. Let's give ourselves a good morning. A good morning is a moment to pause and ease into the day. It's a moment to run and chase the sun rise, or it's a gently settle into your in a good morning as a moment to be present, to find clarity and be grounded for the day had good days start with good mornings and good mornings start with Yogi T Yogi T tease me too,
it's more than just tastes, good, oh from the New York Times and WB. You are Boston. This is modern. The stories of love loss and redemption. I'm your host magnet Chakrabarti, the breakups have always been bad, but then they got Instagram bad. That's how see Cruiser felt anyway Kirsten bangs.
who stars in the sea BS drama, criminal mines, red sages, essay cropped out of my own fantasy on my computer desktop, I have a folder within a folder. That's labelled in a message to myself. Do not open fix a price. I recently opened it its full of durable pictures of my ex and me that I had a race from every other location went remain a black him photo of us from the trip we took to the Oregon coast for his birthday to summers. Earlier, just after we attended my mother's backyard wedding outside my hometown, Portland Oregon my mouse hovered over the image, then I double click to enlarge
with our elbows in the sand. We smiled ass his hand, crest, my left for arm his dark, hair and eyes, contrasting with my like features. My right fist, mostly concealed by my black hoodie sleeve, had half of my coin white smile. That picture had been everywhere Facebook, where I'd made it my profile picture in his office on our living room wall and on his grandparents coffee table in Iowa. It was taken about six months into our relationship during our honeymoon phase and a lot of people had gushed about it, saying things like that's a perfect picture and you guys are such a beautiful couple, but they didn't know was how ridiculously hard we have worked to get the shot right. The cow not was that two timer mode, so we'd press the button rush and fizz in an attempt to look natural for the snap we take one
hot and then analyze the result. I look crazy. I look like an old man. You're forcing it is. My is my left eye melting off my face. It went on like that until her muscles ached from smiling in the sun went down, but with the help of some tasteful editing, the final version looked effortless and pure and because of the timer we may have, even for some people into believing it wasn't a boastful selfie. I used to love telling the story of how a met, but now I don't so. I won't.
What really matters is this. I failed to take seriously that he had just a day before we begin I romance broken up with his previous long term girlfriend. I routinely repressed thoughts that I could be the rebound girl or a place hold out for him until the real deal came along. I push forward drawn his good, looks, intelligence and manners. I loved her expressive. He was at his hands when he spoke despite the good, I always felt as if I had to prove to everyone that he and I were happy and that our relationship was legitimate and social media helped. On Facebook. I was able to exclude the negative dismissive comment here: a lie. There
and showcase, not only how I wanted others to see us, but how I wanted to see us. Sometimes he would comment on how he thought I'd be happier with a pacific northwest. Jack type, who wasn't as straight laced as he was to be fair. I was the one who convinced him to grow beard, trying, I suppose, to nudge him toward the image of the boyfriend. I had imagined for myself Almost exactly a year after the black and white selfie that we spent forever posing for we got enough envy inspiring picture this one in color and set on Ferris Wheel on the Seattle Waterfront, the great wheel. We road tripped up there in August for his birthday and stayed with my cousin. We must have posed ten times for my cousin's camera before we got the
Perfect, photo Puget, sound behind us and striking aquamarine distant hills. In the background, her smiles were big and white and my shoulder was nestled comfortably under his arm a colorful new addition to the public exhibit of our relationship. We labored over his facebook status to make it casual, but warm brief, but heartfelt Celebrated a great birthday week was sage cruiser in the Seattle area. I love you. He whispered to me that night as we fell asleep two months later shortly after we had moved into our second apartment, he woke up saying his stomach, hurt
Was it the fajitas from last night passed yawning as I snuggled into the fluffy white covers he thrown aside a few moments before he sighed and sat down at the end of our bed, his head wrapped in his hands, was grinning like an idiot with my eyes partly closed. Now I poked my head up. What's wrong baby, I can't see our future as rude. Horseback hold on. Are we having the conversation, I think we're having? He turned to me with sad eyes and tight lips. I almost felt bad for him.
I remember that I was the one getting the boot. He was vague in his reasons for ending it say: he'd been thinking about it for six months. Did you ever left me? I asked he paused and then stammered through an explanation, but the pause at all. I cried from my chest in our bed wearing an oversized t, shirt, red faced and choking on my own spit, and then it was over. We both changed our profile pictures within two hours of the split he
His from acute see picture of us in a portly coffee shop to a soul picture of him in a suit. I swapped out the black and white Beach picture to one of me, standing alone on the summit of a mountain in Ireland, steely eyed with special that, I hoped said, I'm on of the world- and I am sir I've been with each like- I felt my ego being rebuilt, But the high wore off as I packed my things and moved into my mother's basement, which wasn't on top of anything family and friends, were shocked, had sharp pains in my stomach every time I thought about him.
it still my ceiling for hours. I was lost in confusion and feelings of betrayal and hatred. Even so I fantasized about reconciling and having everything go back to the way it was the following weak word got back to me that he had opened an online dating account the day after he dumped me his profile image made my throat seize up. He had caught me out of the great wheel picture, leaving his white teeth and green eyes beaming at potential future lovers and the radiant water, contrasting with his dark hair mere inches from his head smiling my big toothy smile. I had been sliced out of my own fantasy.
Two weeks later after the dividing of belongings after the crying and dry heaving and listening to Adele on repeat, I received a handwritten letter from him. He included it in a package with a sports bra of mine. He discovered in the hamper using its return as an opportunity to get a few things off his chest. The letter provided the same vague explanation, he'd given before confessing he still could think of any specific reasons. It was just a feeling and he still missed me a lot. I wondered what might come of a response, but I never sent one instead, I corrected a spelling and grammar with a red pen. Finding some satisfaction in that. I wanted my perfect love to look like what
I convinced myself. I had the photos, the Facebook statuses, the beard, the narrative of our relationship, I'd woven into my head. I have fallen in love with the man. I wanted him to be, and the woman I wanted to be. I had fallen for what I thought we could be together, not the reality of who we actually were. That was a hard truth to swallow. Soon after my dive into my not so hidden folder, I met up with an old friend I hadn't, seen in over a year and a half, we took a weekend camping trip to Cannon Beach, the same place
had captured the black and white photo. Nearly two years prior after we caught up and made a fire, she confessed. She had gone through a break up with her current boyfriend that seen similar to my situation. Her guy had ended it abruptly when she thought everything was great and they went a month without any communication. Before reconciling when he said he wanted her back, she found it uncanny though we had occurred. In such similar breakups, but ended up an opposite spots. She raved about her new found happiness, saying she'd marry him if he were to ask we sat quietly on the cool sand next to the crackling fire, as I stared up at a yellow kite, its long tail dancing in the sky against the evenings. Wispy clouds, She broke her silence with a question.
Say you two could be together again someday you want that. I looked at her and back up at the kite and said now Kirsten Vangsness Readings Cruisers essay cropped out of my own fantasy.
How does sage feel about social media? Now we will find out after the break. The Carmax gives you the freedom to shop. However, you, like you, can shop for a car online and on the lot You find the right car you can buy. However, you want by a mine and get home delivery and select markets or by a mine entries express pick up at car max and no matter how you, by your car, comes with a thirty day. Money back guarantee up to fifteen hundred miles, learn more and start shopping at car, MAX Dotcom Car MAX Carbine re imagined. I landfilling my friend and I often lay dying me together.
I together I mean sitting next to each other playing individually and not cheating. Sometimes when I open up scowling d- and I see that you have completed a few words on your own, I feel a little betrayed. In theory. We may have happened, I have one friend: I will send screenshots from spelling bee of inappropriate words words. I I was nervous. I sent it to my parents or something like that. Me and my dad. We like to play fun together and I wish other out. I forgot to see it J, a c k, p o t jack. yeah yeah now run nice I'm same is asking the digital puzzles editor for the New York Times. You can try, spelling bee and all our games at annoying times dot com, flash games, we're back its modern love. The pod cast a magnet upper party.
sage cruiser has one piece of advice: for you don't get an instagram. Don't do it don't get one and since her essay came out, sage has foresworn social media and she says she doesn't miss it. I think social me it has become this looming alternate Audi of sorts and Personally allowed it to take over this aspect of my life. My relationship and in some ways it was one tool that I used to construct an image of what I wanted this relationship to be and that's hollow. That's not it's not authentic, and so it's been great for me, too, only have to focus on my real life. so swearing off. Instagram and Facebook has worked for sage, but it's also been difficult for her to think back
how dedicated she used to be to her online image. I remember leading up to the piece it being published. I was very anxious Can I think a lot of that stems from a shame honestly, and am none of us want to admit that we stage these photos that were pretending. It's something that so many of us do, and I think I convinced myself. Oh that's not me. and so that is what is most embarrassing is that I was exactly what I Stu Thomas off myself, I wasn't age and her ex boyfriend have not talked since they broke up, although She did send him an email telling him that their story was going to be published in the New York Times. She does, No, if you read it or not and says, she's put their relationship behind her. But what say learn from their breakup, has stayed with her.
I think now I approach relationships with a little more responsibility. I know a little more, I know my weaknesses, I'm willing to face. The fact that I am very imperfect I make many mistakes I will continue to make many mistakes and I embrace and face that messiness now, instead of trying to make it appear, as if that messiness does not exist The sage cruiser she is, four and lives in Seattle, doing environmental work for Americorps The break will hear from Daniel Jones Editor of the modern love call him for the New York Times
Kirsten Vagueness on her own frustrations with social media. This part asked is supported by the new Showtime original documentary Cyprus, Hill insane in the brain part of show times hip hop. Fifty celebration, Grammy nominated Group, Cyprus, Hills, unique ability to blend hip hop in ROC, had icons from all over the map, praising them as profits of illegal we'd movement. Cyprus held defied the stigma of the nineties and cemented their legacy as hip hop Superman. yours, Cyprus, Hill in Spain, in the brain, preparing this for twenty. Only on Showtime, I love allowing my boyfriend, and I often play following me together by together, I mean sitting next to each other playing.
individually and not cheating. Sometimes when I open up spelling bee- and I see that you have completed a few words on your own, I feel a little betrayed. Sorry, it may have happened I have one friend. I will send screenshots from spelling bee of inappropriate words that I always get nervous. I sent it to my parents or something like that me and my dad. We like to play fun together and I wish other out. I forgot to see it. J, a c k, p o t Jack, yeah. Yeah now run nice. I'm same is risky. The digital puzzles editor for the New York Times. You can try, spelling bee and all our games at annoying times dot com, flash games. Dan Jones says that this essay reveals that tech hasn't changed, love itself, but the way We communicate about it in sages
story. What becomes so clear is what influence social media is in our romance. Lives in our personal lives and how it ages how we present ourselves like we didn't used to have a big audiences for our relationships. And now, depending on your social media presence, you can have it huge audience, and it's interesting how that cycles. Into your decision making and how you think about your relationship as some kind of performance for this audience Kirsten vagueness says that this essay really speaks to her own frustrations with social media. We can tell this narrative that kind of keeps us at an arms
Since from people, but at the same time makes them think they know something about us and it makes us get tricked into thinking that that's what our real life is. I related to this because I think we all go through that. I go through that because I see pictures of myself. You know with my fancy day job and it can trick you into being like that. Somehow you know what makes a life elevated is the way it looks. Not the you know. All of the juicy stuff that happens. side of our bodies when we are brave and expanded. thanks again to Kirsten and vagueness for reading this week's essay. You can see her now in criminal minds on CBS next week, jewel Styles, who stars in the show Riviera Red an essay about the complexities of dating your roommate. That's the only word for it. I had a big huge crush
My roommate, I imagine my eyes as cartoon hearts my tongue, a Tex Avery, Wolf Tongue, my hands tied by the universally acknowledged that dating One's roommate is a very stupid thing to do and responsible thing to do even for a twenty two year old and all of my life I have nothing, if not responsible modern month, is the production of the New York Times and W B you are Boston, NPR station, its produced directed and they did by Jessica Albert John Parodi, Emory Seaports in and Caitlin O Keefe. The idea for the Morrow pod podcast was conceived by LISA Tobin, Iris Adler's, our executive producer, Daniel Jones is the editor of modern love for the New York Times and adviser to the show music for the podcast, courtesy of a p dot m I make the Chakrabarti see you next week
Transcript generated on 2022-04-17.