« Modern Love

Fighting Words | With Alysia Reiner

2016-06-15 | 🔗

Alysia Reiner of Orange is the New Black delivers a story about what happens when a stable relationship suddenly takes a hard left turn.

This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
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enter offer code, modern love to get ten percent off your first purchase. Squarespace set your website apart, oh from the New York Times and WB. You are Boston. This is modern love, the stories of love, loss and redemption. I'm your host, Magna, Chakrabarti yeah, sometimes in life and in love. It's not about what someone says or does to us it's about how we respond. Laura Munson had to remind herself of this when her marriage experienced a plot twist. Elisa Reiner brings us Laura's story, she's known as Natalie Figaro or fig on the Netflix Series Oranges, the new black
he's also the star of equity, a new movie about the women of Wall Street. Here's Alicia reading Laura months since essay, those aren't fighting words dear, let's say You have what you believe to be a healthy marriage ears, friends and lovers. After spending more than half of your lives together the dreams you set out to achieve in your twenties gaze into each other's eyes. In candlelit city, beast rose when you're tingle on skinny have for the most part, come true. Two decades later you have the twenty acres of land, the farmhouse, the children, the dogs and horses you're, the parents. You said you would be full of love and guidance,
You ve done it all: Disneyland, camping, Hawaii, Mexico, city living stargazing shore, You have your marriage. Issues but on the whole, you feel so self. Satisfied about how things had worked out that you never. In your wildest nightmares. Think you I hear these words from your husband. Fine summer day,. I don't love you anymore. I'm not sure I ever did I'm moving out the kids I understand, though, want me to be happy, but wait. this: isn't the divorce story? You think it is. Neither is it a begging him to stay story. It's a story
about hearing your husband say I don't you any more and deciding not to believe him and what can happen as a result, Here's a visual, a child, was a temper tantrum tries to hit his mother, but the mother doesn't hit back lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks, Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn't happening, she doesn't reward the tantrum. She simply doesn't take the tantrum personally because after all, it's not about her. Let me be clear, I I'm not saying my husband was throwing a child's tantrum from he was grip of something else profile
and far more troubling melt down. That comes not in childhood, but in midlife. when we perceive that our personal trajectory. is no longer arking, reliably upward as it once did, but I decided to respond. The same way I'd responded, my children's tantrums and I kept responding to it that way for four months. I don't love you anymore, I'm not sure I ever did. His words came at me like a speeding fifth, like a sucker punch, yet some. In that moment, I was able to duck once I recovered and composed myself I managed to say I don't buy it because I didn't.
He drew back and surprise apparently he'd expected me to burst into tears, to rage at him to threaten him without custody battle or beg him to change his mind, so he turned mean I dont like what you ve become got wrenching. Pause? How could he say such a thing that that that's when I really wanted to fight to rage to cry, but I didn't instead a shroud of calm enveloped me, and I repeated those words I don't buy it. You see I'd recently committed to a non negotiable understanding. With myself I committed to the end of c.
I finally managed to eggs Well, the voices in my head that told me my personal Happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were often outside my control. I in the insanity of that equation and decided to take responsibility for my own happiness, and I mean all of it, my husband hadn't, yet Come to this understanding with himself. he had enjoyed many years of hard work and its rewards had supported our family of four all along but his new endeavor hadn't been going so well and his ability to be the breadwinner was in rap. decline. Client been miserable about this.
Felt useless was losing him self emotionally and letting himself go physically and now he in and out of our marriage to be done with our family, I wasn't buying it. I said There are times in every relationship where the parties I need a break. What can we do to give you the distance? You need without hurting the family, her he said, go tracking in all build a Europe in the back meadow turn The garage studio into a man cave get that drums that you've always wanted anything. But
Mitchell Dron and me with a reckless move like the one you are talking about. How can we have responsible distance? I dont want distance. I want to move out. My mind raised, was it. their woman rugs and Continental secrets, but but I stop myself, I would not suffer. Instead, I went to my desk, googled responsible separation and came up with the list. It included things like who's allowed to use white credit cards who were the children allowed to see you with in town who's allowed keys to what I looked through the list and passed it on to him I remain stoic, I could see pain in his eyes pain. I recognized
I see what you're doing he said, you're going to make me go into therapy you're, not gonna. Let me move out you're going to use the kids Hence me. I never said that I just asked: what can we do to give you that distance. You need stop saying that. Well, he didn't move out dead, he spent the summer being unreliable. He Up coming home at his usual six o, he would out late and not call he blew off our entire fourth of July the parade the bar cue, the fireworks too. Go to someone else's party He was home. He was distant. He wouldn't look me in the eye
he didn't even wish me happy birthday, but I didn't plan to it. I walked my line. I told the kids daddy's having a hard time, as adults often do but we're a family no matter what my trusted friends were irate on my behalf. How can you just stand by and accept this behaviour? Kick him I'll get get a lawyer. I walk my line with them to this I was hurting, yet his problem was mind to solve. In fact, I needed to get out of his way, so he could sell hmm, ok, I know what you're thinking I'm a pushover, I'm weak and scared, and would put up with anything to keep my family together. But I can assure you, I'm not
I load fifteen hundred pound horses into trailers and gallop through the high country of Montana. All summer I went true: Pitocin induced natural childbirth, as a syrian section without follow up drugs. I am handy with a chainsaw. I simply had to the understanding but I was not at the root of my husband's problem. He was privately. I decided to give him time six months. I had good days and I had bad days I'm a good days. I took the high road I ignored his lashing out his mercy. Jobs on bad days. I would fester in the August Sun, while the kids ran through sprinklers rage,
at him in my mind, but I never wavered. Although it may sound ridiculous to say, don't take it personally, when your husband tells you he no longer loves you. Sometimes that's exactly what you have to do. Instead of issuing ultimatums, yelling, crying or begging. I presented him with options I created a summer of fun for our family and welcomed him. to sharing it or not. It was up to him if he chose not to come along. We would miss him, but we would be just fine. Thank you very much and we were
yeah. You can bet. I wanted to sit him down and persuade him to stay. To love me to fight for what we've created you can bet I wanted to. But I didn't I barbecued I made lemonade. I set the table for four. I loved him from afar and one day there he was home from work early mowing, the lawn
a man doesn't mow his lawn. If he's going to leave it, not this man, then he fixed a door that had been broken for eight yours. He made a comment about our front porch needing paint our front which he mentioned needing wood for next winter, the the future little by little he started talking about the future. It was thanksgiving. in that field it my husband, bowed his head humbly and said I am thankful for my family. He was back And I saw what had been missing,
he's lost pride in himself. Maybe that's what happens our egos take a hit in mid life, and we realise or not as young and golden anymore. When life's knocked us around and our childhood myths reveal themselves to be just that. The truth feels like the biggest sucker punch of them all not a spouse or land or a job or money that brings happiness the achievements, those relationships enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness. Ass, though start from within relying on any other equation can be lethal
my husband had become lost in the mess, but he found his way out We simply have the hard core. precision. In fact, he it's me to write about our ordeal to help. couples who arrive at this juncture. In life, people who feel scared and stuck who believe if their temporary feelings are permanent to see an easy out and think they can escape? My husband tried to strike a deal. Blame me and for his pain, unload his feelings of personal disgrace on to me, but I ducked and I waited and It worked
I love spelling bee my boyfriend and I often play spelling bee together by together I mean sitting next to each other playing. And not cheating. Sometimes when I open up spelling bee- and I see that you have completed a few words on your own- I feel a little betrayed. Salary We may have happened again, you can. I have one friend, who I will send screenshots from spelling bee of inappropriate words, then I always get nervous. I sent it to my parents or something me and my dad. We like to play fun together, and I wish her out. I forgot it. J, a c k, p o t. a jackpot Yeah right I'm same as the the digital puzzles editor for the New York Times. You can try spelling bee and all our games at N Y Times dot com. Slash games
a leash, Reiner reading Laura months since essay, those aren't fighting words dear it's been seven years since Laura story was published, hear from her about: what's happened since after the break support for modern love. The pod cast comes from living proof, the science behind healthy hair, I'm Katy from living proof, and we get love letters all the time like this one
dear living proof. The products for curls are amazing third day in a row that a complete stranger walked up to me and complimented my hair. I use the leaving additional a little miss and a minute or two with a diffuse are incredible. Your products are lifesavers, love, Maureen, use the code, no phrase free travel size, humidity shield, with your twenty dollar order, living proof that come we're back its modern love, the podcast I Meghna Chakrabarti and now a postscript I'm the editor of modern love for the New York Times Jones and the author of this week's s, a Laura Munson after the peace was published. My marriage came up for but then, ultimately it needed to end, and so I got to practice this philosophy again, but this time it was in post divorce reinvention. So the marriage didn't last. Laura's relationship ended four years after the peace came out,
but she stayed in Montana, with her children and approached her creative work with renewed energy, so out of I created haven writing retreats, which I lead ten times a year here in Montana, and I love helping, We'll find their voice and use writing as transformational tool that it is and I shall coda, and all this is that in doing all this work, I met a wonderful man and I am very much in love and my kid. We're stable our home life stable and its flourishing, and so it's a pretty. Exceptional time in my life? What I find powerful about Laura's essay isn't about, did keep the man. Did she win him in the end and win him back a lot people, will want to read that into it. It's more a strategy for being happy. Without someone and loving yourself on a base, IQ level, regardless of others' opinions and choices. So
will ask me all the time? How is it that you were able to meet your husband with those words I don't buy it? Where did I learn that I learned that from dealing with years of rejection in my field, which is pretty much par for the course for any especially writers, and so, I had been in a lot of pain for a long time, basing my happiness on things outside of my control and once I said Working with his philosophy that we can powerfully choose our emotions, no matter, what's going on in our life, that there's a gap between the things that people say and do to us and our emotional reaction to them, then suddenly everything changed for me that month period when I got to live, that way was one of the most powerful and emotionally liberated times in my life So in no way am I suggesting that people should go into denial or sweep their emotions underneath the rug, not at all
what I'm saying is. If I'm going to freak out about some emotionally. I want to powerfully choose that freak out. I don't want it to choose me and there's a big. prince between the two your readers respond to this I say and mass and with great emotion and it was not by any means all positive, I would say you know it was half positive and half people saying Are you kidding or saying he's cheating on you with the the amount of presumption about someone else's life that people try to. From fifteen hundred words. in her case you know it just doesn't affect her at a certain abortion old phrase of you. Can you can't control other people's emotions? You can only control your own. You can't control other people's reactions. Only your own. I just think that such a hard lesson to learn but a valuable lesson. I'm
Glad I had my passions in a row even though my tax weren't and my message to people is don't wait to find your passions when the world starts to fall apart around you and the rug gets pulled out from underneath you Find your passions now and live into them, and you might just living a beautifully abundant life. the Laura Munson author of those aren't fighting words dear. She tells the full story in her memoir. This is not the story, you think it is. We also, heard from modern love, editor Dan Jones, Special thanks to Alicia Reiner. For reading this week's essay you can see her in season. Four of orange is the new black which comes out on Netflix this Friday. She also CO produced and stars in the new film equity, a story about the women of Wall Street, which is out in theaters. Why twenty ninth
well. We know you love listening to modern love, but do you want to see modern love live in action? This? Thursday June 16th, we're doing an event in New York City at Wnyc's greenspace as part of their women's Podcast festival, orchid have modern love, essays, perform, live and a culinary with editor Daniel Jones and the producers of the podcast and is sold out, but it will be live stream, so join us at seven P, M New York City time on Thursday June. Sixteen the streaming link is at our website. W B you are dot, org, slash, modern love. Modern love is a production of the New York Times and W B you are Boston, NPR station, its produce, directed and edited by Jessica, Albert John Parity and Emory Seaward said the idea. yeah for the modern love podcast was conceived by LISA Tobin or casting. consultant is Amy Lippens Adler is our executive producer.
Daniel Jones is the editor of modern love for the New York Times and adviser to the show music for the podcast courtesy of a p m. I make no trucker body, see you next week If you love modern love, the checkout W B, you are advised Pied cast dear sugar, where hosts shares strayed and Steve Almond answer all your questions, no matter how deep or dark subscribe to dear sugar on Itunes or your favorite podcast app
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Transcript generated on 2022-04-17.