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He Ghosted. I'm Grateful.

2023-04-12 | 🔗

Denny Agassi moved to New York City with a mission: She was looking to have great sex.

Her first summer in the city, Denny downloaded the dating app Grindr. She filtered for trans friendly men looking for sex or short flings — and it worked.

Then, one day, she got a message from a man named Jack. He was poised, curious and caring. What she thought could only be something casual — a Grindr relationship — turned into something serious and meaningful. Denny’s guard began to fall.

But, just as she began to let Jack in, he was gone.

This is the final episode of our season! We’ll be back with new episodes in late May.

Plus, a call out to listeners: When did you realize your parents were really divorced? Tell us your story here: nytimes.com/divorcedparents.

This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
When one thinks of italy. They can't help but think of the fashion culture, the food, the storied history and, of course, the shopping. There is a new italian lingerie brand who recently partnered up with jennifer lopez that is made with gorgeous fabrics, colorful, silks and delicate lace, but the name can be a bit challenging to pronounce intimacy entered into her missy in term. Mississippi. It's infamy to me. The art of italian lingerie go to intimacy, MI, dot com, slash jell, o pay, modern love listeners were looking for stories from people with divorced parents, and we've got a question. What's the moment when your parents divorce really sunk in, not necessarily when they told you they were separating
but the moment where really hit you and you realized, my life is different and it's always going to be different. Tell us about your moment of realization and find all the submission details by visiting and white times dot com, slash divorced paris. That link is also in our show notes. We can't wait to hear from you. The from the new york times, I'm Anna Martin. This is modern love. When I was dating, I felt
people were always telling me tat, fun and frankly, that take me off because I was like this is not fun at all. I am constantly confused wondering if the person likes me not sure if we want the same thing terrified their ghosting mean like what is fun about that today's essays by denning ghazi Denny managed to do what I never could. She was actually having fun dating shoes on the aps, hooking up a guys and genuinely having a good time until she met this one guy who made her want more denny, welcome,
tomorrow, love hello, hello. I heard you just celebrated a birthday who'd too. I know what I learned as is right. I really serves dead. How old are you awake us? I am twenty six twenty gas x rated any you wrote an essay about It's someone who wasn't in your life for long but who helped you realize what you deserve in a relationship. What you're what you're worth and I want to start the story when you just moved to new york city. How old were you when you moved here? I was twenty one. I had just graduated from undergrad and I went straight to my Fordham master's program and.
I was really looking to truly get, may carry Bradshaw new york city writer, letters in the oven status and they had published may first, I first ever peace and it was about the correlation between transitioning and thrift. Shopping surfing to me means lot. We know because when I was transitioning it with thick not only accessible, it felt like giving these old clothes a second chance felt like it felt it tandem with myself, giving myself. We know another chance of a figuring out how wanted to move through the world. So I had sort o left undergrad With this mentality of I just want to enjoy being twenty, you why I got grinder for them
time that summer, I was not even the looking to date. I really was okay with meaning people at their apartment. I was there with a mission. What was the mission sex? That's when they started to learn that a lot of the times profiles were blank, and I think that was enough to let me know that there were some. sort of a cultural shame. You know at least with guys who are attracted to women and women, who are also trans. Tell me a little bit more about what you understood. A blank profile meant well, it communicated to me that that they didn't want to be known. Was your profile blink now I had a few pictures- young, my bio, was be transferred. Lee send face to chat. And so usually when, when guys message me, they would send them a picture first and when I had first move, there were probably like three or four guys
I was seeing in rotation and there are really lovely howard. feeling of took up in the scope of grinder and the scope of hooking up and being sexually active trans woman in new york city. I felt like I was doing, I was slaying forty five yeah and I think it was easy for me to not can attach, because there was always one hang up. Maybe there is a part of their personality. I didn't really feel attracted to, or maybe they were just a little bit older than I would have preferred, but there was always one thread that I could say yeah. Maybe this is not the best. If I were to date, you right. It's not gonna work out because of this thing is not going to work out, but I think there there comes to a point. Maybe it's hours later, maybe it's days later, that there is a come down and I sort of feel a bit emptier. And so
Maybe there is a bit of curiosity me: that's like okay, what if it was a little different, because I did wonder a little bit. This has make her brush her moment. I wonder what would it look like to have something more and then you meet this one haha yeah I was in my bedroom. I was doing homework at a message. There was a selfie and I was like wow. He is a really cute. I described what he looked like: okay, so he's wearing a grey lacrosse shirt and that's been his high school and he had a bit of a smart messy light. Brown hair nathan disguise actually really adorable. So his first message to you is
just the photo. Did he say anything he said hello? Ok, we face and listened with compared to the other messages. I've been getting right. I was probably the most wholesome wine which is being said in retrospect. Do I think I had said like a lacrosse boy, I see, and he is someone who immediately I could characterizes someone who is really pay full with me meant to me those really attracted. Do you remember what he's profile look like? It was blank aware it was blank other than his
It has a twenty two year hm and he tells me I'm jack by the way, and he said my name's danny, and then we exchanged numbers that night and he would always like sort of initiate conversation and getting messages like you're, really pretty or you're so cute. Ah, it was really simple and I think what I really liked was just honor see how ordinary felt, but then you and jack did eventually meet up and you have a part of your essay about the first time you hung out. Can you read that yep the first afternoon jack came over here.
fired my bathtub and drank his cup of water with two hands, his poised demeanor and a p code, and long scarf reminded me in a good way of john better in the breakfast club in my bedroom. He fixated on my yellow porringer figurines. He noticed my framed academic award next to them on the window. So we sat on my bed, my back leaning against the wall. He slashed his head onto my him and wrapped his arms around my waist. This is weird I thought my hookups were mostly no cuddling, no expressions of affection. I kissed him and rolled on Tom. I took off my shirt and he hug me time his face doug into my chest, ass. He said I, like you
Well, I think you really cool unsure how I actually found they said. I think you really cool too. We caught off guard son. I like I always like what are you doing now me what we're going to your mind, while at first sight, was honestly surprised by his honesty. At that point, I I didn't really have that much experience with with guys were really and with just expressing and how they felt in the moment in the sky is underneath me, I think the first it says what he said it was a bit of an all, but also and in terms of the heart We said that, initially, when you met him, there is some sort of inkling that may be. This could be something other than a hook up yeah. So
when he was looking at my academic award. He had asked only until it into the antennas yeah. He said. Oh, I went potsdam. Other schools, close yeah, I had multiple friends at potsdam So now, not only was he really cute and sincere my age. I was really like struggling to find that hang up that I usually had with other guys and for now to have mutual friend groups, and for a social circles to collide. There was a moment where I was like: oh my gosh, this guy, as not only not. A stranger to me any more, but he understands. Like my perspective, of my universe, because in some ways he lives in it too. It felt really intense, but I remember like seeing how cool he looked to know. Yet
like a brown, the wool pico any had he had a thrifty sweater on really now I have a very soft spot for thrusting. It sounds like, though, with a sweater and with the potsdam, your drawing all these Actions between you and jack use roof are inhabiting similar worlds, I dunno similar world if it felt like, we were argue, the same once, you know given the friends that we had given our age and how close he was to me. Had you felt that way with someone you met up with You want to see him again after that, immediately jack wanted to see denny again to and things escalate after the break when one thinks of ITALY they can't help but think of the fashion, the culture, the food, the story
ST and, of course, the shopping. There is a new italian lingerie brand, who recently partnered up with jennifer lopez that is made with gorgeous fabrics, colorful, silks and delicate lace, but the name can be a bit challenging to pronounce intimacy entered into her missy in term. Mississippi. It's infamy to me the art of italian lingerie, good at eating I see me dot com, slash, jell, o. My name is abdellatif to here, and the east africa correspondent of the new york times speaking to someone in their own local language, opens up a level of honesty and trust. fancy that would not be present. When I speak to somebody in English, when I come into his home and greet them in somalia or swahili kobori, or about Zanu. It brings you into the room. I understand the culture coming from speaking to you in the language that you understand that level of familiarity. I use that to really get deeper into. What's going on.
what I'm trying to do is help our readers understand what's happening, he in east africa and see how It plays a role in the bigger picture near terms, Skybus, keep our journalists reporting from across the map to help you understand the issue. Shaping our world. If you'd, like subscribe. You can do that and why times dot com slash subscribe. So you and jack hang out again, but this time you let him sleep over her yeah and had a full. on panic attack no way I dunno about that guy. I was sweating so much and he was also so warm who- and I was sort of under this assumption- that sleep,
if were really cute in totally not so He and I just got a of sat in my bathroom, for the panic, though, was it sort of like was panic, because you'd let someone into your world in this really internet way, yeah, being alone was really sacred, and so this was my attempt to sort of. I wanted to see what it would look like to invite and, and let someone into that, what about him made. You want him to sleep over. What was it about him that made you feel comfortable enough to let him do that thing honesty. I think there might have been a bit of like a a desperation and urgency of having experienced something really of lie in inner selfishly just wanting more of it immediately. What was that something you wanted? More of, I think.
somewhere tangential to to romance freer part of your essay? Is about that night? Can you read it customarily? My feelings with strange and were brief. The men did not take note of my bathtub or my educational history before sex and they did not linger after. I came back into bed disturbed by the rumble of his snoring, but his sleeping face on my pillow struck me for the first time the thought of sharing bed with a man did not come from pure imagination. I now had a real image for this fantasy. I could pretend jack was my boyfriend reach for his face and whisper? I love you good night
then fall asleep and meet him somewhere in his dream, as if we had done this one hundred times before. What were you trying out when you touched jack's face when you whispered? I love you yeah, I guess picturing those things was my way of facing myself and being really honest and being like. Okay, girl, you're thinking about dating this guy- hmm, let's explore that and for me it felt really good to be upfront with myself at least and say: okay, if you want to date, I'm like what would it look like and at this point, like you- and I haven't even been talking about the dynamic that this guy is someone who ces and you know, I'm a trans person even in that moment, like I don't feel like that was even a thing you know I'm thinking,
had a lot of presumed baggage about that kind of a dynamic and and what a public relationship but look like none for him. He felt really get really. You He did this night in him sweeping over make you feel a little bit closer. I let my son be a little more affectionate for sure. You know, like some night swear in my bed too sick watching you to Ben you know, maybe he'll give me a kiss on the cheap and sleep offers became sometimes like the thing I was most excited too in a terrific, getting ready for it
together, and there is a one time I was doing my thesis, so I woke up early and during my homework on the ground on my laptop and then from the corner of my eye, see Mina his hands of come up to touch my face, and I had just out of instinct in a took his hand and in his heart kissing me in in a rubbing made cheek with it, and it was really may first moment of like following jack suit of
thoughtless affection- I mean in the moment I didn't think about it, but I do remember feeling, like I can't believe, like some people, like some people like really get to experience Alec all the time. You know when you say that other people get to have that right. Do you mean cis people right yeah, ah, had you felt like you'd experienced that before now, The nfl really grateful for that here to like trust, someone that much and you know, have his dress in return to share that with yeah. It was something I had to reveal.
I could have you gonna glimpse yeah yeah. I felt like sort of world. I was picturing about what what a beautiful colorful relationship but look like that like he was helping me chip that tore down, and I could see more and more, and I was like second starting to see the full picture and I think you know, with your help immediately. We're think I can really admit that I want that a lot. So what so? What happened? Ah well in between, as you know, as the months went on, sometimes I wouldn't hear for a few days and then sometimes it would be a few weeks
then there was a month strike. The space between texting just got like bigger earlier and the we will like the closer we were getting to that fills confusing, and I felt so confusing and then it was crickets yeah yeah. You were ghostly, which is so painful because it feels like you were just to emit yourself that you wanted something more from jack and that's the moment that he pulls away yeah? I was at a point where I felt pretty open in them suddenly I'm alone, and I felt like making a fool of myself for running these things, because the silence is telling a lot and then it just got to a point where I sort of just embraced it and said I think it's going to be something that I carry with me. You know like the spinnerets in indonesia,
and I made a point now where I've lived in the states longer than I have back on the islands and from what I know here with how we grieve as we sort of isolate ourselves, and we bear it all linen in that moment in time, and then we move forward with our lives, and I did that with jack and it worked until it didn't. so going into their be, was my way of an digging all
that pain and all of the nice things that he allowed me to experience in owen, even though the you know my time attack was like just a blip. I have a lot of gratitude for what he allowed me to experience. It's really striking to me that gratitude is the thing that you're taking from this. Like you said these beautiful things he's beautiful moments, emotions that you could experience what did experiencing those with him. Tell you about the possibility of explained to them later on think it's taught me like. If I want someone a treat me a certain way, I'd better be doing it already to myself first, but also its taught me that being and is not a hang up at it took eight. I want more denny, says kurds
with jack, has made her more open to a relationship, a serious one. She is clarity on what she wants and she's comfortable asking for it. This is the last episode of our seas and we're gonna take the little break and then we'll be back in late me with all new episodes, modern love, is produced by elisa deadly julia, botero kristina Joseph and HANS butoh. It's edited by Sarah Sarah sin. Our executive producer is Jen puissant. This episode was mixed by Sophia landman and our show was recorded by matty moss, yellow the modern lefty music by dan power, digital production by me.
you bet your blondie and globally the modern love colonies edited by Daniel Johns. Italy is the editor of modern life projects, and martin. Thank you for listening.
Transcript generated on 2023-04-14.