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at Squarespace DOT, com, au from the New York Times and W B. You are Boston. This is modern, the stories of love loss and redemption. I'm your host, magnetometer birdie yeah, I'm pretty sure no one has ever said. I don't care how my date looks, and yet, We all need to be reminded sometimes that how we look doesn't deter how worthy we are of love. That's what Leslie Lair learned and it wasn't easy. Katie Couric brings this week's as ETA, If she's formerly of NBC Today Show and the CBS evening, news she's the global news anchor for Yahoo Katy Red,

Let s say how I got to hear When I told him I would never marry again. I meant it. Were holding hands in a restaurant in Santa Barbara California on our first weekend away, and I was hiding my nerves behind the boldness of high heels and a garter belt. I wasn't trying beat the hooker real in the lifelong bachelor, newly single after twenty years. I loved the admiring my long hair and settled deck Latasha how he lay after at my witty banter, I felt like a femme fatale, and I liked it nothing serious, nothing permanent. We were there the fun there was a gleam in his eyes as he raised his glass in a toast. Lady beautiful. We had met DEC earlier when I took his writing seminar in LOS Angeles during the break he

mired. My engagement ring. He was cute and a preppy way, but I was not the kind of girl to be hot for teacher He had a policy of inviting students to stay in touch, so I did ten years later, the phone rang in the kitchen where I was making dinner for my daughter's played under foot, I wiped my handsome. I sweat pants and picked up my crying for you all to comfort. While I answered he had received the invitation to the book Party for my first novel and was calling to congratulate me, despite thousands of students who went out of his play to call surprised. I shipped in my daughter to the other hip smooth toward my phony tail and hung up the phone smiling another decade and a difficult divorce. Later I climbed out of bed and studied, might be travelled.

Action in the mirror. After years of being an exhaustive work at home mom, it was time to take better care of myself to control my destiny to see a good example for my daughters. I needed a new project that would reclaim my maiden name oh when I sat down begin. Writing I dug out my faded notes from his class now adored crayon marks and coffee stains, these notes had guided every book I had ever sold. I owe this man a thank you I wrote an email offering to buy him a coffee. Then I hesitated I had just begun to date. So. Naturally, I wondered if he was single, I envisioned three kids and a house in the Hancock Park, we're ahead of LOS Angeles. This was networking Told myself. What

have to lose. I hit send the next day he emailed me back I'll, buy the coffee. we met at the coffee bean in Santa Monica, where he waited in shorts and flip flops his. Was gray, but he wore the same preppy glasses had the same dimples I was Prized he wasn't more businesslike. Then again, I wore a dress. He didn't remember me, he didn't work. All our long ago, class war phony to congratulate me years later. He admitted that he clicked on them to my website and saw my picture. Our coffee lasted three hours. Would

like to have dinner. He asked me as we walked to the door. We don't have to call it a date we could just eat. At the same time, I was confused. Why? Wouldn't we call it a date? Most people don't like dating. He said I've loved dating your new? He said we began to date. Every Friday he drew to the valley to take me out to dinner. After a long week, I love dressing up and dining out, I loved having. my girls pick out. My earrings then answer the door man bearing flowers sure they were teenagers eager to get me on a Friday night, but they also saw how a woman should be treated. And they saw that I was a woman worthy of respect. soon we added Saturday night at his house after shuttle the girls to their activities, a premise for hours

my valley mom skin, with each mile through two Penguin Canyon, to Santa Monica once the ocean was in view. My transformation was more than physical. The time I arrived at his house, I had done everything possible to make myself beautiful to feel better and he was a worthy audience appreciating every detail. All I had to do was breathe a few months later I stood at the back of the book store where he presented his new book several attractive and sophisticated women turn their heads to look at me. Oh girlfriends, I guessed I was more impressed

jealous one, came over and pointed at my name and the acknowledgement risky business for him to including I thought, since we were, only data are used. The new girlfriend she asked, I hesitated, we were certainly exclusive. He had just bought me a bath rope for his house, yet there was something wicked and wonderful about being the girl friend it man, he let me now we were having fun his entire family showed up. While I was on a book tour in Denver, I was about to read sex scene when I realize this would be their first impression of me. So what I thought I would just a girlfriend. I could do what I pleased for years passed. I splurge Don Lipstick and launch ray and continue to play. The part of them theatre

on our next vacation. He told the hotel clerk, it was our anniversary, so they upgraded our room and served a champagne. I began to wonder if we would ever have a wedding three now when he called me, lady beautiful I felt cheap, there was no logical reason for us to marry. I have no interest in more children and he was fine without I could get my own apartment still wanted to set a good example for my daughter's. If I was going to be single, when I keep my options open, I love But if I couldn't real a man, it was time to cut bait. It took weeks for me to get the courage to confront him. He listened patiently then began to laugh. Never getting married. Where your terms he said not mine. Later he showed me a yellowed newspaper article he had clipped after our first

romantic weekend in Santa Barbara. It was entitled how to buy. an engagement ring the We were married overlooking the ocean in Malibu at a real wedding, so his parents could be there teased him that he wanted them to know. He would have someone to care for him in old age. Is Ivy League friends flew out to see the notorious bachelors demise with their own eyes me to wear a real wedding dress, so he could show off his beautiful bride days before our second anniversary. I learned I had breast cancer within months

I lost my hair, my eyelashes everything that made me beautiful on Valentine's day. We sat in front of the fire until I could smell plastic burn. On the back of my wig, I couldn't taste the chocolate or drink the wine, but he seemed happy eating shrimp and being together. He called me, lady beautiful, but I thought he was just humoring me. It made me feel worse. Soon. There were fewer good days. My fingers were numb, my nails purple and my eyes too teary to see I couldn't keep up the charade didn't want to. After my high heels were exiled to the back my closet. He helped me stumble around the neighborhood and slippers. He sat with me through chemo until I shooed him away

I didn't want him to see me like that. Helpless and weak the chemo fog descended, and I couldn't get my words right or my thoughts clear. I felt stupid. I felt ugly the ball. I felt guilty, I'm so sorry. I said this is no What you signed up, for that mean true, he said, but neither did you Now sit in bed watching tv every night my favorite fashion show is on and he turns to me this is the perfect date he says I laughed think He teasing as he rubs my aching legs, but when I look space he's smiling And I realized that he was the one who did the bait and switch. He made me believe that he responded to my strength and beauty, so I felt strong and beautiful.

Maybe this was never the romance. I imagined, maybe the shallow one. he saw more as sudden death and watch the beautiful women I am not jealous. He still thinks I'm one of them all. I have to do I love felling, my boyfriend and I often play spelling bee together by together I mean sitting next to each other playing intervention. And not cheating. Sometimes when I open up spelling bee- and I see that you have completed a few words on your own, I feel a little betrayed. give may have happened again, so I have one and who I will send screenshots from spelling bee of inappropriate words. Then I was getting nervous. I sent it to my parents or something me and my dad. We liked the first together and I wish her out- I it

J C K, P, o t, Jack, jackpot panic, yeah. Nice. I'm same as earth's sky. The digital puzzles editor for the New York Times. You can try, spelling bee and all our games at N Y Times dot com, slash games I love spelling bee my boyfriend and I often play spelling bee together by together I mean sitting next to each other playing into and not cheating. Sometimes when I open up spelling bee- and I see that you have completed a few words on your own, I feel a little betrayed It may have happened again. I have one and who I will send screenshots from spelling bee of inappropriate words. Then I was getting nervous. I sent it to my parents are some. me and my dad. We like this time you together and I wish out the it

J C K, P, o t Jack Yeah yeah nice I'm same is risky. The digital puzzles editor for the New York Times. You can try spelling bee and all our games at an why times, dot com, flash games. Katie Couric reading, Leslie Layers essay? How I got to hear. who hear how lessons doing today after the break

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your twenty dollar order living proof, dot, com, we're back, it's modern love, the podcast I Meghna Chakrabarti and now a postscript from modern love, editor Daniel Jones and the author of this week's essay Leslie Layer today and I'm about three years out from diagnosis, and I am just happy to be alive, I'm still on meds, but my hair is back, which is fabulous. I can tell my thinking is different, but I'm really sharp, analytically, I'm really happy and I'm definitely answer free. When I wrote the essay it was the only thing I ever wrote about cancer. I didn't keep a journal or diary. I didn't want to remember it in any way.

and it was really the modern love peace that led to the next project and it was directly related to the responses I got from that piece. I was so overwhelmed by people who sent in comments from Billy all over the world, and the dark of night, when I was feeling really lonely and feeling really mortal to know that there are people out there who heard my story and really cared and were moved by it and sending me good wishes. It gave me faith in humankind, but it also just made me feel like there was so much more going on in the world than than I had ever imagined and also some of the comments noted kind of the part of the essay that talked about how I thought I had to track my husband B being the stump at all and some people kind of question part- and I I thought about. Why was it bad that I admitted that I cared? I looked for that. I feared

My husband would care how I look, and so just came up with this funny idea and I decided to just go for it and it's a memoir it's about the american obsession with breasts over the last fifty years and how it is affected. My entire life, culminating, of course, with breast cancer, but here I am back with got a boobs and, and it's really funny- and yet it's really this cultural thing of how we women in and how we are today and, of course, I'm happy to be alive, and yet still I want to look pretty Is that a bad thing? One thing that Leslie's essay a really to me. Is there we are I don't know what other people love us for and what I find so refreshing about Leslie essay and so smart, is that she doesn't realize the depth of her own relationship. She feels, like she's, become bad bargain, all the sudden, because she's sick and it's such a realization to her that that he doesn't

here that way. Leslie's essay also reveals how, how how, when we're young, we almost don't realize how important Alara throughout our lives, and you know how important some of those early relationships are and how people factor into your, for a long time, even if they just make the appearances along the way the way and then suddenly you get to an age her. In her case, she realizes this turns out to be the most important person in my life. One thing that really struck me was realizing how much my life had changed because of this one email that I had sent. I don't know what got into me, so I feel like the biggest takeaway from a romantic sense is just hit. Send you just don't know. What's going to happen, you know you, you can't lose something you don't have

you can only gain if you take a risk, just hit, send Leslie Lair she in southern California, with her husband, John, where she's working on her memoir wheels I heard from modern love, editor Dan Jones and now here's Katie Correct on why she wanted to read Leslie's essay, how I got here really struck a chord with me, particularly because my husband was diagnosed with cancer, and I think that a cancer diagnosis really does peel away all the artifice of a relation. And this notion that her husband light all the things about her her attires, her lipstick, shade Her long hair was obviously completely false, and I, it took her letting down her guard and allowing him to see her at her worst.

made her realize he always thought she was at her best, no matter what Special thanks to Katy, correct for reading this week story, she's, executive producer and narrator of the new documentary under the gun, which explores the guy. Safety debate in America, its cause we playing on ethics and epix dot com and will be available on Itunes and Amazon, starting on May 31st. next week on modern love actress your Bello reads: her own essay about opening up to her son and to the public about, non traditional love life so you romantic with anyone right now. He asked he had never at most of the men. I have been in love with and had no idea had been with a woman as well. I took a deep breath knowing that my answer and his response would have an impact on

lives for a very long time and Weak ties are forming a red Hannah cylinder story about waiting for love. We for your stories about the long wait and you have come through and poured your hearts out. Well, Actually, the ladies have gentlemen I know you're out there and have some stories for us too. So tell us. Your side What a voice memo on your phone, thirty seconds or less an email, to modern love, TAT W B, you are dot org modern love is a production of the New York Times and W B you are Boston and PR station. It is produced directed and edited by Jessica Airport, on parity and Emory seaports in the dear for the modern love podcast was conceived by LISA Tobin, our casting consent. It is a militant iris. had Lorenzo executive producer Daniel

This is the editor of modern love for the New York Times and adviser to the show music for the pod cast courtesy of AP up. I'm Agnes Accra body see you next week.