Modern love the pod cast, supported by produced by the island at W B. You are faster. oh, the from the New York Times and WB. You are Boston. This is modern. The stories of love loss and redemption. I'm your host magnetron puberty, the we all cross paths with many people in our lives, but a few of them truly change the direction we thought we were headed in

Laurie. Sandel writes about a little girl who changed hers. In her I say how to break up with a two year old and thread by busy Philips she's known for shows like freaks and geeks, and dolphins, Creek and she's. The host of a new late night show on E called busy tonight, a few months after I turned forty a friend set me up with a guy. She thought I'd like she gave me a quick run fifty former drummer now with a desk job. Father of a nine month old girl weight, has a nine month old. I exclaimed what under the wife, there is no wife. She assured me he'd, gotten a woman pregnant after a brief period of dating they now shared custody of their Later, though, I'd never dated a man with kids, I badly wanted children

my eggs in their last viable years. I knew I'd, never have the three or four children I dreamed of, but if this relationship worked at least my future child would have an older sibling. Most of all, I wanted a partner. Now I wanted a husband for years I tried to pretend I was okay. With my single status, I fought the cliches, but each eventually applied. I was tired of carrying the financial burden of my life alone. I felt depressed every time I had to check single on a form and I sat down for a fancy meal. I'd prepared for one friends told me a relationship would appear when I least expected it as if love could

some only in the presence of nonchalance. My vigilance, I figured- must have driven it away. So when my friend suggested I go out with this guy who seemed promising, I had to tell myself not to get caught up in the fantasy sure. I said casually I'll go out with him. Andrew and I met at a coffee shop in Santa Monica, and I liked him immediately laugh lines framed his eyes and his laid back manner put me at ease. He showed me photos of his daughter with wavy blonde hair, blue eyes and chubby arms and legs. She was adorable and he clearly loved her, which made him even more attractive. Within two weeks we were calling ourselves a couple to friends. I crowed that I'd finally met the one

soon after I met his daughter, both Andrew, and I felt it was ok to ignore the recommendation to date for six months before introducing a new partner to a child. After all, she was an infant two young we presumed to be affected by a break up a break up, wasn't part of our play on anyway, in the beginning spending time with his daughter felt like unpaid, babysitting warming, bottles engine diapers cleaning clothes though she was placid. Child care is exhausting no matter what, by the time we put her to bed, my boyfriend and I were spent, were already acting like an old married couple. I complained citing the cancelled dinners growing and infrequent sacks. Welcome to motherhood said my married girlfriends. I didn't fall for his baby right away. It was our daily interaction that connected us driving her to day care singing. The ABC is watching Elmo's got the moves on my

my phone at night, as we lay among pillows reading Goodnight Moon. She held her bottle in one hand and stroked my arm with the other. I was there when she learned to walk crying out in victory as she toddled, I am toward me when Andrew and I dropped her off at a friend's house, so we could go to a movie. She would bury her head shoulda shoulder and refused to let the sitter take her on the knights she was with her mother. I missed her desperately unable to pronounce my name. She called me within six months. She was calling for me in the night as and as she did Andrew at the first sound of her stirring, I would insist he go back to sleep. Then I would leap out of bed gather her into my arms and give her a bottle our bond with cemented in those hushed nighttime hours one night. She woke ups,

reaming. I rushed in to find that she'd vomited all over her crib. When I picked her up she vomited again on me. Andrew called the doctor, and I rocked her. She looked at me- was searching desperate eyes. I was overwhelmed by her vulnerability. I've been single for How long that feeling this needed came as a shock with her. Finally, asleep again, I stumbled into the bathroom to wash my face meeting my reflection. I saw a frazzled woman with vomit and her hair. I had the laugh I'd spent years. Looking my best For work and fabulous events, but in my boyfriend smudgy mirror. I saw a person who actually looked good yet, as my connection with her deepened.

my relationship with Andrew was unraveling. We fought because he didn't like to spend money, because I was too controlling because we were on completely different sleep schedules, but caring for a child was so consuming. It was easy to ignore how bad things had become the thought of leaving Andrew was painful the thought of leaving that little girl impossible. With my forty first birthday looming, I couldn't imagine meeting someone new dating getting engaged marrying and then trying to have a baby. At a deeper level, I felt as if I already had a child I loved it, was torture to take her through her.

Routines, knowing I might have to leave. So I put it off a sweeping my guilt by buying her bath toys and clothes until one day when I finally found myself in injuries living room with my bags, packed mustering the courage to say goodbye, while Andrew cleaned up our breakfast, I squatted to his daughters level, huh,

her and said I loved her. She tugged at my Iphone demanding Elmo, a good friend had warned don't get emotional or she will too. If I did one thing right that day, it was waiting until the door closed behind me to let the tears flow. I've never been good at clean breaks, but this turned out to be the most agonizing. Ever I rented a house blocks away telling myself. It was too good a deal to pass up

but the truth was. I wanted to stay close for the next six months Andrew and I went back and forth trying to decide if we could make the relationship work. He didn't keep me from seeing his daughter, but I stayed away worried. My presence would confuse her. A psychologist assured me. She would be fine, but I couldn't help it feel I scarred her as for me. I felt as though she'd been ripped from my arms, like the wrenching scene,. of adoption reversals I'd seen on tv. There were times I thought people stay and unhappy. Marriage is for the kids all the time. Maybe I should to in the end might thereupon helped me see the folly of that logic. If there was one bright spot, it was this my time with her made clear

me. Not only that I wanted children. I also wanted them, no matter what partner or no Nine months later, I made an appointment to see a fertility doctor. Looking through my options, I saw that the quickest and most cost effective way to motherhood was to get pregnant via a sperm donor. Adoption would be my plan b. I knew now that I could love a child who wasn't my flesh and blood. The day before my insemination I ran into Andrew near my house. He was pushing his now two year old daughter in a stroller. It had been ten months since I'd seen her. I dreamed of this moment. In one scenario she leapt into my arms in another. She failed to remember me. I couldn't decide which would feel worse in the end. Neither happened.

I offered a shy smile when Andrew asked, who is that she murmured ooh for twenty minutes. I crouched before her playing peek a boo and pointing out colors in the sky. She looked happy loved and taller than I remembered which broke my heart. She was growing up and I was missing it when we parted, I felt my knees wobble. after almost a year of not running into her. Why did I see her on that day of all days? Maybe the universe was showing me a sign.

this one instead, stealing myself, I went forward two weeks after the insemination I took a pregnancy test, my hands shaking I stared at the stick. It was positive. I was forty one and had never been pregnant. My first thought was: can I have another baby as much as I love her one of my girlfriends, the mother of a six year old boy rolled her eyes. Oh just wait, so I wait recently while curled up on the couch with my dog, it came to me.

My bitter sweet run in with the toddler I missed so much had indeed been a sign telling me I was exactly where I was supposed to be, and even I dared to believe that I had her blessing for. that's busy Phillips reading Laurie Sandell piece how to break up with a two year old, we'll hear more from lorry after the break.

The I love spelling my boyfriend and I often play spelling bee together by together I mean sitting next to each other playing individual And not cheating, sometimes when I open up spelling bee- and I see that you have completed a few words on your own, I feel a little betrayed they may have happened again. I have one and who I will send screenshots from spelling bee of inappropriate words. Then I was getting nervous. I sent it to my parents or something, me and my dad. We liked the first together and I wish her out- I it J C K, P, o g jackpot panic, yeah Nice

I'm same as earth's sky, the digital puzzles editor for the New York Times. You can try spelling bee and all our games at N Y Times dot com, slash games. When we talked to Laurie Sandell, we asked her to pick up the story right where it left off. When I finished the piece I was pregnant and I had no idea what my life was going to become and my pregnancy actually wonderful. You know I was in my early forties when I would have thought it would have been really difficult to be pregnant. I had a super easy pregnancy, no nausea, nothing, friends. out of the woodwork to help me. Everybody was just rejoicing, joy, seeing and celebrating, and just a wonderful experience, and I never felt alone for a moment and then, when I gave birth to my son Teddy Two of my best girlfriends were in the room with me and cheering me on, and it was just wonderful and magical period of my life. Teddy is five years old now and that's the only change in Laurie's life.

Teddy was nine months old. I decided to dip my toe back into the world of internet dating and the very First man who ever wrote to me is now my husband Laurie. Her husband, Jonathan we're married in October and lorry says she hadn't expected to find a serious relationship so soon after Teddy's birth, but Jonathan was different from the people she dated before it was cool because when you take in your late thirties and early forties, you just can't help it. If you want to child every person you meet it's going to be the first question on your first date. You know: are you? Are you interested in having kids, which is of a date killer, to say the least, and it was so nice to be able to go out with someone who first of all was a father himself. He has four children and it just was a given. I have a kid. He has kids, we had a really great first date, and he just talked about You know his kids and how proud he was of them and his creative passions.

Well these things and that just drew me to him right away how incredibly humble and down to earth he was. and Lori says that Jonathan is a great dad to his own kids and two Teddy Teddy of Course called him Jonathan up until fairly recently, so you'd hear this little baby boy pink, didn't Jonathan, and now he started to call him dad and daddy and Jonathan is beginning the process of adopting him, which is, of course more than my heart, can take it so wonderful and what about that? Two year old girl, Lori, writes about what she's eight now and Lori has seen her. Few times over the years in passing, but they don't really have a relationship she has no idea who I am you know it's like I've just faded, the dim recesses of whatever toddler memory is and she's is,

A little girl- and she looks just like Andrew and I look at her- and I just feel this really strong sense of connection because of what she meant to me in my life at that time. At the same time. I don't know her anymore and she doesn't know me anymore, and I used to think that my heart he shattered and destroyed if there was no possibility of a relationship down the line and time is just change that and healed all of that I didn't sub letting her, but I had the experience finally of having a child that I was never going to be separated from and it was very different having my own child and knowing that I had Please her. She wasn't mind parent anymore, and I had a child to his mind, apparent for the rest of my life the We Sandel she lives in

California, with her family and is the author of the imposters daughter and truth and consequences life inside the Madoff family more after the the. I love spelling bee my boyfriend and I often play spelling bee together by together. I mean sitting next to each other playing into and not cheating. Sometimes when I open up spelling bee- and I see that you have completed a few words on your own, I feel a little betrayed give may have happened again, so I have one Friend who I will send screenshots from spelling bee of inappropriate words, then I was getting nervous. I sent it to my parents are something

me and my dad. We like this tiny together and I wish out the it J C K, P, o t Jack yeah yeah nice. I'm same as earth's sky, the digital puzzles editor for the New York Times. You can try, spelling bee and all our games at N Y Times dot com, slash games, here's busy Phillips! I connected with this essay in part because I'm a mother and when you become a mother, no one tells you that the thing that makes you a mom, is not giving birth to a child, but all of the taking care of the baby. That's what bonds you and makes you fallen,

Of with your kid well, at least for me anyway, and those quiet night time hours where you spend with this strange, let all human, if just Matt is the thing that bonds you in a way that is indescribable unless you've experienced it, and I just had never read someone else's experience where she sort of did it kind of backwards. I just thought it was so beautiful, like such a beautiful expression of how you fall in love with a child. thanks again too busy for reading this week's piece. Her new show on the e network is called busy tonight and her new book is. This will only hurt a little Daniel Jones. Editor of the modern love column for the New York Times was moved. But how lorry reacted to the presence of this little girl in her life? I like how Laura just she allows that

change her like she lets herself love this child. She I think, handle carefully, and wanting to keep the girl from seeing her own pain when it all to mately comes apart and she has to leave and sort of sever the bond and how it sends off on her own path toward mother put. It changes the direction of her life. It just touching, and how there's the abstraction of motherhood and this kinds of relationships and then there's the reality, and in this case the reality really changed. Plotter love is action of the New York Times and W B. You are Boston, NPR station, its produced, directed and edited by Jessica, Albert Caitlin, O Keefe and John Variety original scoring and sound design by Matt. Read the

here for the modern pod cast was conceived by LISA Tobin, Iris Adler, our executive producer, Daniel Jones, is the editor of modern love for the New York Times and adviser to the show music for the pod cast courtesy of a piano and if you of the show, leave us a rating or a review on Apple podcast. It helps new listeners find us. I magnet operability, see you next week.