Sela Ward reads an essay about a beautiful relationship...or a friendship? Or a wanna-be friendship?
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
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the science, you are the living proof and by helix sleep working with the world's leading sleep scientists. Helix sleep has developed custom mattresses that bring a reported. Thirty percent improvement in overall sleep quality visit, helix sleep dot com, slash turn to get fifty dollars off your order, oh from the New York Times and WB. You are Boston. This is modern. The stories of love loss and redemption. I'm your host, Magna Chakrabarti yeah, when she logged on to match dot com right Elinor Lipman didn't know what to expect internet dating wasn't even around when she met her first husband, but no more
Are your age dating is complicated here's Emmy award, winning actor seal award. You may know her from her role. In gone girl and the fugitive Eleanor Lipman's essay taking a break for friendship x59. I was a new widow writing a novel about a new widow who was socially maladroit when her story started to stagnate. I knew I had to get her out of the house me to. I signed us both up for match dot com dates followed, not all were horrible, but the reporter in may like that, the worst ones for their anecdotal value. There was the man who stuck his nicorette gum under his seat, the 70s actor who'd been among the six husbands and one of the golden girls and the guy who asked me, probably if I had noticed that he stirred.
His coffee without the spoon touching the cup I had not. Ok, I decided to drop out just before, hitting the remove but no match dot. I remembered I was mining, comically, bad biographical bits for fictional used, and I should stick with it. So, for the first time in weeks I chair that day's menu of allegedly suitable, suitors and spotted Jonathan, who looked nice and geographically convenient to my New York City block. So I clicked on his profile. His personal statement said he had lots of friends, but was for something serious. There were no deal breakers in any of his answers to favoured activities Hobbes food and places he was neither vegetarian and vegan or kosher nor unduly athletic. So I scrolled to last book read
where most men wrote, I only read technical journals or the divinity code. His answer impossibly. knocking Lee was my most recent novel. So after I had recovered a wrote him with the books title in the subject line and below that. Only thank you that was lovely to say He answered that evening in a manner I considered appropriate and sincere, the writing wasn't self important and he knew how to use the semi colon. So after another exchange of emails, we made a date for dinner against the common internet, wisdom that you may just for a drink and fear of dead potential. He had a british accent and masters
degree. His manners were impeccable, his job interesting and he was originally from Liverpool. The at the centre of baby boomers girls first crush its sub three enjoyable in my opinion. In hours later, as he walked me, the two blocs to my apartment, I asked how we got to work and he explained by buys either the M sixty six or in seventy two. Well, a public transportation efficient, utter myself, smitten after Peck on the lips and promised to call he jumped under the infinity seven, a chaste, yet promising
or so I thought our second date felt odd. My dude has been my talking about my late husband. I don't know he didn't seem to be feeling is preordained as I was. Nor did I detect any enthusiasm and his fall. To my thank you eat mail. So, each time I resign myself to never hearing from him again. He would write these dates. My friends when I ask what their date, like I went answer were firing to Jonathan, is my imaginary boyfriend, my insignificant other. My and without benefits. So while these married girlfriends enjoyed their front row seats in the range of middle age dating they resigned,
It is annoying failure to fall in love with me. They had never met him but thought he should be thanking is lucky stars and he was in a few patient and hopeful ones. I call them the yes team. Excuse the glacial pace with it. Don't forget he's british thirteen months of sub optimal, dating passed several times I announced I couldn't see him anymore, because I had feelings for him that weren't reciprocated that went nowhere. If he looked in my opinion stricken, I would take it back. Finally, we had words
harsh wins the email. You said I made him nervous than it was in his girlfriend that I was deluding myself. I asked him not reply to my hot headed rent of an answer six months when, by halfway through s in a white flag of a postcard, without an ulterior just because I had unsettled myself with my own rude words. I wrote this is no way to end a friendship or the year come for a drink. Several days later, he wrote that he thought it best if he didn't, but he wished me well. Okay, that was fine. I had a quitted myself and relatively Menji fashion done and dusted, but here's where it pays not to hold a grudge six months after the email squabble on the year's first warm and beautiful April day my email pained on my way to meet a friend. I guess
team member for a walk. It was Jonathan inviting me to an art opening that night maybe meet there at seven. Then we have a bite. Afterward call. If I could I couldn't meet then so I called him back anyway and generally affable fashion because of my bombing weather mood and because I'd given up on girlfriend hood you'll get your thing and I'll go mine and we could text when leaving I added. But if you get a better offer by all means, I won't get a better offer. He said firmly in mind that sound nevermind- I couldn't be a tad flirtatious, not him. We did meet after our respective receptions.
No wonder the old delusional me had liked him. Some might put a pleasant, interesting conversation. Working to platonic, we're having ever hum, is so much easier to be friends with our matic expectations by guidelines First thing in the morning a warm
with the unusual thank you. Email arrived before noon. He invited me to a work related event, the next night apologizing for the late notice. Okay, why play hard to get with a pound? So I went this friendship mode was just so much easier than angst. Why hadn't? I accepted the case steady straight out of he's just not that into you during Jonathan one point, oh well, all evening I was authentically chipper and after laughing at one of his remarks. I murmured please tell me Ryan Charming and he smiled seemingly aware that sexual appeal could push the buttons I wanted to dispossess. Soon I published a book of essays, including one about my pg love life, largely on the topic of him. I named him John DOE
and there s a a fine, no man's it put a good face on a relationship suggesting that abstinence was just what I needed in my delicate state. I had written the peace during our time off now known as the interregnum there. it was finding tone and in places complimentary, although quotes dot from dot, the no team might have made another man, one less secure about his head of a sexuality, take offense. He bought the collection containing
John DOE, quite a tribute and asked me to inscribe it. So I write, I hope no bloke will be hurt in the reading of this book. I was out of town when he email that he had read the essay founded elegantly written and would like to talk about it. When I returned elegantly written how bad could that be, I wrote back huh I was worried. I had smoked salmon and chilled wine ready, for whatever talk was going to be and sitting at my dining room table. He solemnly announced that he didn't want to just be friends any more. He explained he had read the essay once then a second time. then. The whole collection and asked himself, when am I an idiot, I like to say that was british for finally, I realized I love you. After all, no one
we're just friends meant we would be a real couple. I blurted out that I might be shy about that other stuff, the benefits, but, of course the perfect gentlemen, exclaimed two days later, the movies, while his visiting college Age son, took a bathroom break, I whispered, I'm going to say something for Tacious now Jonathan said I'm listening the thing I told you about being shy. I change my mind will address that on Tuesday he said, and we did that was two years ago or counting back to the first first date four years ago. I don't regret the hiatus or even the email fight that caused it, because who knows what cow
of time and space and died dates and between led to where we are. Now. I don't ask for explanations. I just sum it up: borrowing a line from sex in the city, a taxi was going by just didn't, have its light on live a mile import, ten it's from door to door and the M fifty seven bus? And now I call him my bow my person, my boyfriend, my significant Jonathan. He introduces me as his partner every member of the former no team dotes on him among the gains new friends and new attachments, including his hometown mates. I have adopted the Liverpool Football Club as my own, if we're not watching the match together, we text then confer when it's over GL of the week man of the match, I'm completely committed. Finally, understanding why it's called the beautiful
and when the spectators break into our anthem, you'll, never walk alone, a move to tears. When I love island, my boyfriend and I often play spelling bee together by together, I mean sitting next to each other, playing individually and not cheating. Sometimes when I open up spelling bee- and I see that you have completed a few words on your own, I feel a little betrayed. Sorry, it may have happened again. I have one friend who I will say in the screenshots from spelling bee of inappropriate words that I always get nervous that I sent it to my parents or something like that was my bad. It was the first time together and I was out. I think I got to see it. J, a c k, p o t
Jack Jack, I'm nice, I'm same as earth's sky, the digital puzzles editor for the New York Times. You can try spelling bee and all our games. At N Y Times dot com, slash games, seal award Elinor, Lipman essay, taking a break for friendship. She stars in the pick series graves, which was just renewed for a second season. When we come back check in with Eleanor Lipman is her significant Jonathan still in the picture. Yeah living proof products save time just ask Tyler from New York, I have probably been able to save.
About thirty minutes per day. When I use it, I usually shower. Every morning my hair gets greasy very quickly. So if I shower one morning and not the next, I cannot go to work like that. So it allows me to sleep in and extra thirty minutes. I just got out to put the dry shampoo in my hair and off I go, which is amazing, use the code, love a living proof, dot com for a free travel size, dry shampoo, with your twenty dollars order, we're back. Modern love, the podcast, a magnet Chakrabarti five years after their first date. Eleanor and Jonathan are still together. She says that when comes to long term relationships and dating things are just different when you're older one of the things that at our ages, that makes this so really happy for me is all you want is just to like love fall in love, be happy with be content
as opposed to when I was twenty twenty one, twenty two? It's would this be the person I would marry and the goal, is just happiness and can audibility ability, and I hope compatibility doesn't make me sound like an old lady, but you know just we have fun together and he's interested in what I do and I'm very interested in what he does and that's a lovely thing, and so what about me rich. I say to my married friends: how would you like, if you had this level relationship and he I lived a away some during the week once or twice and weekends, but you didn't have to live together and they all say. Oh boy sounds perfect, so I would say if there was a compelling reason that had to do with distance or health then possible by
I also think that it's just right, Eleanor's son, fully supports her relationship. I love spelling my boyfriend and I often play spelling bee together by together I mean sitting next to each other playing. Individually and not cheating, sometimes when I open up spelling bee- and I see that you have completed a few words on your own- I feel a little betrayed. Sorry, it may have happened, I have one friend who I will say and screenshots from spelling bee of inappropriate words that I always get nervous that I sent it to my parents or something like that was my bad. It was the first party together and I was out. I think I got it, see it J, a c k, p o t. We hit the jackpot nice.
I'm same as the sky. The digital puzzles editor for the New York Times. You can try spelling bee and all our games at N Y Times dot com, slash games tip and she hopes her late husband Bob would too. I think about that, if chorus I would say no, my well meaning friends say I think Bob would be very happy for you. I I think that he did have a little streak of jealousy and you know it might not his favorite that, but you know in a more perfect heaven If there was a heaven- yes, I think he would be. We, the writer Eleanor Lipman, She lives in New York, still just a few blocks from Jonathan. The couple will be making their fourth visit to Jonathan's hometown Liverpool this summer and he will be her plus one at her son's wedding. In may
Nor most recent essay collection is. I can't complain all too personal essays, her fourteenth book or not. All titled turpentine lane will be out on Valentine's day up next Daniel Jones, editor of modern love for the New York Times, will be right I. Support for modern love comes from helix sleep working with the world's leading sleep scientists. Helix sleep has developed custom mattresses that bring a reported thirty percent improvement in overall sleep quality visit. He sleep, dot, com, slash, modern answer, a few simple questions and they'll create your completely customized mattress, starting it
Six hundred dollars and ship it right to your door for free, you get one hundred night risk free trial and for you modern couples they can customize each side, go to helix sleep, dot, com, slash, modern and get fifty dollars off your order. That's helix sleep, dot, com, slash, modern. Daniel Jones is editor of modern love for the New York Times. He says that a relief since two romantically commit is a popular theme in the column. Depending on your age. That reluctance is born from very different places there just so much to this essayed to love. I only I do thinking in mid life after you, you ve, been through you now long relationships.
I think that can be a real hesitancy it. You know what that kind of commitment is like and what it turns into, and there can be a real hesitancy too to sort of past that border its can be really fun getting to know people, but there's a real awareness that once you get past the casual I once again The friendship that there's a lot at stake. The Dan Jones era of modern love for the New York Times thanks to steal, award for reading this week's essay. Here's why she did. I chose this particular a saint because it's all about possibility, and we need that and we need that as we get older and it's full of love, life and possibility, and we can't live life without it. It's a delicious little story,
You can see sealer in the new epic series grave, where she plays a former first lady with political ambitions of her own the first season is streaming now, and the second season will be out later this year will link to a trailer at our website W b. You are dot, org, slash, modern love! Next week on modern love, scandal, actress Darby Stansfield, I looked it add he looked at me. I knew I had taken. The show I, as did he every goose, seems like the last till ever shoot me. very well be at least with his daughter watching If you want to see modern love in action mark your calendar we're doing a live, show at Boston's, Wilbur theater on February 14th, Valentine's day: I'll, be there with Dan Jones and will be joined by actors, Emmi Raw, some and Elisa Reiner, who will be performing essays? Don't miss it there's more info at double
U B? U r, DOT, org, slash modern life, the modern is a production of the New York Times and Wbur Boston NPR station it's produced, directed and edited by Jessie John Parity and Emory Sea routes. It received extra help this week from producer Catherine, The idea for the modern podcast was conceived by LISA. Toby are casting consultant. Is any Libyans Csf, Iris, Adler's, our executive producer Daniel Jones is the of modern love for the New York Times, an adviser to the show music for the past courtesy of APL special thanks to. Gerry Marsden from Gerry and the pacemakers for allowing us to use this version of you'll, never walk alone. I Meghna Chakrabarti see you next week.
Transcript generated on 2022-04-16.