Modern love, the pad cast, is supported by from the New York Times and W B you are Boston. This is modern stories of love, loss and redemption. I'm you host magnitude, perverting the perfect first date. It usually it only in our dreams: candlelight, Delicious food, an instant connection. But in reality, first dates can be an awkward mess and the conversation shallow at best which is the worst thing about: first dates for TIM Boomer he's the author of this week's essay Paul rust, star of the net

It's comedy, love reads those TIM's essay, the end of small talk, relationship unraveled. Nearly two years ago I decided to suspend my career as an actuary in Boston and take a long vacation in Costa Rica. Where I plan to learn how to surf and do yoga? Yes, it was the most cliched response possible for a heart broken thirty. Two year old man after four weeks there I was travelling by car with several friends. I admit it serve school. When we came upon a red faced middle aged woman, hitchhiking on outskirts of a small village. Our radio was broken and we were bored So one woman and our group Abbey said

will offer you a ride on two conditions. First, you must sing us a song and then you have to tell us a story. Do you accept the hitchhiker in American responded with a crooked smile and a nod freeing her hair from behind a Disney visor. What would you like me to sing she asked anything. You, like, I told her as long as it's by rod. Stewart. One rendition of Maggie may later. Her story began, it's interesting, you asked me to tell you a story. She said I'm living in the middle of a love story. Right now. I came to Costa Rica one year ago and met the man of my dreams.

He was selling jewelry at a stand in the market, he's italian and as soon as I spoke to him, I felt something I hadn't felt in my whole life. It overtook me love like in the movies, but this was real stories. And promising for sure so you're here to see him? One of my friends asked yes, absolutely do I'm heading into town now to see him. For the first time. In twelve months we broke into huge grins. We too were now characters in her story, delivers of love from a dusty road side to the man of her dreams. Does he feel the same way? Abbe asked? Yes, he Emil's me every day to tell me so I turned to her. Are you excited to see him? I haven't thought about anything else for an entire year.

so you came all this way alone to see him I asked well, I had to deny it was breaking my heart to be away from him. She paused for a breath. Although my husband came to he's back at the house, our hands shot up with questions. after my trip, I was eating steak at a Boston bar still morning that the woman I thought I would marry Alejandra had broken up with me I met her five years earlier and she was in every way imaginable. An inspiration to me. She was the woman who taught me about love next to me at the bar was a couple on their first date

I could tell, because their conversation reminded me of those awkward exchanges you have with coworkers spouses at Christmas parties. They opened with a discussion about their commutes to the bar. They both lived within a ten minute bus ride and they manage to stretch out this topic for thirty minutes. Next up the weather in Boston, it rained sometimes- and they had both noticed this an hour in they turned to the really deep stuff. One was a teacher and the other knew a teacher. How could they be destined for anything other than true love? Okay, so I may have been directing some of my broken hearted anger at them, but all I could think-

that I wanted no part of this game if being single having to partake in this kind of conversation, I'd rather pass. I go from the deep connection I had with Alejandra dead talking about bus schedules and weather patterns With this in mind, I decided to approach my re entry debating with a no small talk policy, not that I would insist, we talk only about heartfelt subjects. Ideally, there would also be plenty of flirting. Joking and witty banter. I simply wanted to eliminate the dull droning on about facts and figures, whether it's

going or raining how cold it is what we do for work, how long it takes to get to work where we went to school all those things that we think we have to talk about with someone new, but that tell us little about who that person really is. Why can't we replace small talk with and ask each other profound questions right from the start: replace mindless chatter, with a conversation about our weightiest beliefs and most potent fears, questions that reveal who are and where we want to go. Okay Okay, there were some issues with this policy. As my friend

We're more than happy to point out. They argued that some people aren't comfortable jumping directly into big talk. Some people actually find small talk. Relaxing another common complaint. You can't ask big questions until you know the answers to the small ones. You need facts to know where to dig deeper. I'd argue, however, that you can elevate any question from small talk to big talk with a little tweaking one of the common questions I find myself asking a woman on a first date is where she has traveled. The response can quickly become a list of places and once again, wherein the maid territory. So instead I'd ask what place most inspired you and why, rather than ask about her job, I would ask what work are you passionate about.

I wouldn't ask about her longest relationship as if length equals depth. Instead, I'd ask what's the most in love. You've ever felt my first chance to put this new strategy into practice came with a woman. I met at a party a few weeks later she laughed when I explain my theory on big talk versus small talk and agreed to be the Guinea PIG She was moving away the next week, so we both new we'd, have only this one day, but we pledged to do all we could to avoid small talk that night. We talk big and we talk deep. I learned about her brothers drug problem about the ex she had left years before and about the feeling she still had for him, but we also joked about things both silly aunt, shallow, managing to convince strangers that we had met.

In a fair ground, bumper car accident we laughed and we cried and we learn nothing that would go on a resume later. We kissed since then. Staying away from small talk has brought me one positive experience after another. Every date has turned into a real connection or at worst a funny story. All it takes is a willingness to dive into converse

patients that may make us uncomfortable or that many believed to be inappropriate for first days after a while, though, if he comes natural to skip the facts and instead seek out our deepest thoughts and feelings. My life moved on. I dated frazzled and started a new job. After a month of work, I went on a business trip with a new colleague on the first night away. I found myself engaging and one of those dull work conversations. People used to fill the time like Ali. telling me the basics of his schooling, family and home. So how long does it take you to get to the office? I heard myself ask then I stopped in horror. I remembered the dusty hitchhiker in Costa Rica, the dates and the meaningful connections I'd made by escaping small talk

Even though my colleague and I weren't on a date, we would still be spending a lot of time together in the foreseeable future, on business trips, both short and long. I took a deep breath and asked: why did you fall in love with your wife? He looked at me oddly thought about it for a moment. And then told me something beautiful, Paul rust. Reading TIM boomers essay, the end of small talk, So was this really the end of small talk for TIM, more from him in a minute

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if may have happened again. I have one friend HU, I will send screenshots from spelling bee of inappropriate words. Then I was getting nervous. I sent it to my parents or something like that. me and my dad. We like a sponge together, and I wish to out that it see k, P, o t Jack Jack, I panicked yeah nice I'm same is asking the digital positive for the New York Times. You can try, spelling bee and all our games at an why times, dot com, flash games, we're back its modern love. The pod cast. I made an attacker birdie TIM Boomer still lives and works in Boston. He came into the

will you be our studios to tell us a little bit more about his life, which became quite interesting after this essay was published in January two thousand and sixteen he was asked out on Facebook, Linkedin. And even in the comments section of the New York Times TIM says, he's tried to. To his no small talk rule, and apparently it has been that hard. If you google mate, I can't say I've achieved so much in my life that this isn't the top thing that comes up whenever you look. I've had girls tell me on a first thing out their mouths to break the British, for the brexit to you know tell me about other dates. They've been on, then I talked to one girl, and I remember she told me: she'd come out of the racers relationship and she's just started dating another guy, but she wasn't sure if she could, because they worked in the same profession- and I remember thinking this is crazy, like how small can a profession be nicer to Elena same city, and she said no, and I said well, how can it be such a big deal,

She looked at me and she said that both Blumen, like from the Broadway, show the blue man group, and I remember thinking how can you know and these conversations like that- which maybe people wouldn't have opened up about awkward situations in dating, but I could go through every day had and think of something someone told me that they probably won't want me, send the radio, but they in the confines of that kind of honest environment with me. So is he dating a lot now I've been seeing a girl for a few months. Unfortunately, I mean of time Unfortunately, we found out last week that she actually has to return home to Chile, so she'll be leaving in a few weeks, and I guess I'll be back out in Boston. Asking awkward questions

Wales against and how does TIM feel about online dating? So I was late to dating apps and I remember some of my friends being an actually weirdly conducted, a wedding ceremony for two people who met on a dating app, and I remember asking him: is it weird that you met your girlfriend on the dating app and he said no, I didn't I met in the coffee shop. I didn't get into a long, protracted conversation with her. I just said: hey you look nice. You sound interesting we'd like to go, get coffee and I think that kind of changed my view a little bit and I don't think it's one or the other. I think it's just another way to add interesting people to your life and especially if you you want to meet people who work in different worlds. You know work in radio then, where else to even naturally going to cross for those people, sometimes as you as you get older and you're in bars. Last and things like that. So is every bad thing. Ever since the column was published, TIM has become a love guru of sorts. Quite undeservedly, he says it's weird. Somebody asked me for dating advice before I, which nobody should ask me

dating advice, but somebody asked me at a function recently and I was introduced as this is TIM. He writes a romance column for the New York Times, which was a complete, miss introduction. But I thought I would roll with it and give some advice out and he asked me what shirt I'm having trouble meeting people. What should I do, and I told him, have you ever asked a girl out sober not in a bar and online, and he said no, and I said well, that's what you need to start. If you meet someone- and you have some interaction with them, that spark something ask them out and trying to at once a month you know, do it sober and then just see where you end up at the end of the year, and he said what will happen and I said probably over, Add to that the good thing is you're careless at the end of it, and at least now, when you do me that person who maybe have some spock with you'll, be willing to do it. So I dunno I'm a firm believer in every avenue is a bonus, TIM Boomer his again to modern love, essay was published last week will link to it

will you be? You are dot org, slash, modern, my stick around, we'll hear from Daniel Jones. In a minute the I love spelling my boyfriend and I often play spelling bee together. together, I mean sitting next to each other playing individually and not cheating. Sometimes when I open up spelling bee- and I see that you have completed a few words on your own, I feel a little betrayed If may have happened again. I have one friend HU? I will send screenshots from spelling bee of inappropriate words. Then I was getting nervous. I sent it to my parents or something like that. Me and my dad. We like to play fun together and I wish Cutler out I it

see K, P, o t Jack Jack yeah right I'm same as their escape? The digital puzzles editor for the New York Times. You can try spelling bee and all our games at an why times, dot com, Flash games welcome back Daniel Jones, editor of modern love for the New York Times, says the of small talk was the most popular modern love essay of two thousand. Sixteen. It provoked this reaction that was fifty percent of the readers completely embracing it and thinking. This is something I want to try and he's really onto something and fifty percent of the people

utterly rejecting it and saying why are you trying to sort of falsely control? How people naturally meet small talk is a natural thing. It's a way that you gradually get deeper. You can't force that that's ridiculous. So, as part of it's popularity, I think was in that tension of of it feeling threatening to some people and feeling liberating to other people and them wanting to embrace it and talk about it? For that reason, so just got hundreds of comments and Facebook shares and it really got people going. It was a. It was a fine fine essay about breaking out of that auto pilot that we find ourselves in when we, you know, meet someone we want to date when we meet someone at work. just all these ways that we end up spending time with people that are boring and lazy unless we make it some other way, Dan Jones

editor of modern love for the New York Times after Paul Rust says he can see both sides of the small talk argument I mean I certainly have had the experience before being like. Why can't we talk real things man and when we, when you see somebody, you say how are you doing or how are you two people really want the real answer. Cuz I'll give it to them. I was like sort of my adolescent attitude about it, and then I realized. If I ask somebody, how are you and they really gotten into the nitty gritty like Oh, I hate my father. and I haven't talked to my brother in five years- I will go. No, that's too much of probation. Just tell me you're good, that's all! I need thanks again to Paul rust. You can see.

In season two of the Netflix comedy love it streaming now now on the podcast rye Russo young director of the new film before I fall on a piece of performance art to help with breakups. She smiled back we'll to speak and no one said anything watch Diana and death bear. I felt proud of her for being so brave. Maybe it was bizarre to invite a complete stranger dressed as a psychedelic animal into your house to remove your most intimate possessions. Then, again, maybe it wasn't Modern love is a production of the New York Times and W B you are Boston. Npr station its produced, directed and added by Jessica, Alpert, John Perotti and Emery see Ritson, here for the modern pod cast was conceived by LISA Tobin, Iris Adler, our executive producer,

you'll Jones is the editor of modern love for the New York Times and adviser to the show music for the pot guest, courtesy of a p m. I magnify property, see you next week.