hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast firm monday november 11th to one thousand in nineteen oh do i sound happy do i do i or do i sound a little joyful alabama that dream ended last night two nights ago actually your lsu tigers bad bad bad when into in oskaloosa those sharktooth fedor aware and so and so's huh the last state in the union to let black people i went to a seven hundred and eleven and get a slurpee i don't know if that's true lsu tigers go in and beat the alabama crimson tide

oh my god how nervous was nick saban's wife at the end of that gave now kids still trying not to look at him when he comes home if you know how he gets i gotta say something about nick say but i think that there there is some sort of weakness there i can't figure it out but it it has to do something with his hair dye okay no we see when you look at how bad his dye job is you're really seeing on the surface isn't extremely focused individual ok the man does not have time to go to the beauty parlor and get his hair did he just doesn't he's too focused on winning yet another yet another god dam championship you know and he's going to he's going to go down in history once it not enough time goes by

bigger than bear bryant that's right gradually over the decade you will see less uh tooth fedoras and going to see more hair plugged wigs with like skull bandit chew comb through it whatever the fuck it is okay you do see focus in his dye job but i also see is i see an inherently vain man and with all vain man that there's a chinc somewhere in that fucking armor ok oh wait can i not be on snl now it's an expression there's somewhere in there the fact that this man that this fucking man has to take the time to dye his hair there's something going on if there's an insecure

there's a fear of aging there's something going on there that that that can be exploited and i don't know what it is and i think lsu came in there all right but their head football coach who came out with the ok number one fingers in the air when it came out the tunnel the audacity the bravado the machismo came running out of that fucking tunnel and of course he did he's got a full head of beautiful hair he sounds like cajun hulk hogan and what i think happened in the middle of that game was nick saban second guessed himself because when he looked across the field he saw too much man standing across from and you're lsu tigers came in put forty six wonderful points up on the crimson

inside they roll tide rolled right back to the locker room with their first loss of the year tumbling from number two in the country all the way down to number four in still big in the playoff how does that happen i don't know i'd no i'm gonna say check change because people i'm so much it's just great for the ratings i'm actually helping alabama stay in the playoff with how much over the year rooting for ellis you i suddenly hate alabama which i never did i don't really hate them it's just fun to root against all right look at the ship i don't understand they played one ranked team this year and they just got their butts whipped by like what three points let up forty six so uh let's look at alabama's let's look at their schedule this is who the fuck they played

ok going back to where the hell are we where are we where are we alright they started off with doke not not not not not shifting unfucking duke i mean they can play basketball take off the pads you put on some short shorts and those guys are a problem ok you put the ads on you go outside all of sudden they look like ivy league players they play duke oh yeah that scares you then they played i think new mexico state n state i'm going to guess new mexico state then they made south carolina who in years have been good they're not ranked this year then they played southern mississippi then they played mississippi none of these teams are ranked then they played texas am who have been good at times not ranked this alabama's fault that beating the fuck out of him i don't know how this works then they played

see who always started let's go over here going back and not feel nothing then they played arkansas it's really not their fault but all these programs are in the in the shader right now i have to i mean i don't hate alabama enough to fucking ignore that fact but then the one team that they play yeah they lost forty six to forty one a home game the last one to fucka garbage god dam touchdown that was fuckign lsu jesus christ forty six you know would that be 34th little more impressive but whatever all right but then as much as i'm pitching about them let's go to look at the ohio state's fuckin' schedule the allstate you ever seen somebody so proud of a state school it's like you ever go to ohio half the people you met graduated ohio state ohio state is to school that people from ohio go to when they can't get accepted to

real school in another state why am i doing this i have road work next year alright ohio state buckeyes right the big fat fuckin' midwestern people waddle in the pasty asses into that fucking horseshoe which is no longer a horseshoe started off with my t florida atlantic then they played teeth reg cincinnati so ready there ahead of alabama then they played other perennial powerhouse 24th ranked indiana and i don't know what these teams were ranked when they played him at defensive fuckin' ohio state then they played

me of ohio right that's a little nod to global warming miami is now in ohio right 'cause the oceans have risen then they played nebraska who's just been i don't know what they've been doing for the last fucking twenty years then they played michigan state then they played northwestern then they played with skansen then they played maryland next week they play rutgers i mean jesus fucking christ alright then who's else is in the top we got clemson i mean how do you tell who's number one when these funky got like three powerhouse teams that install in shitfuck in divisions clemson suck in the this can't is that a misprint citadelle its last year right okay they played georgia tech texas am syracuse charlotte

unc florida state louisville boston college wolford is that a war this school of nursing i don't know what the fuck that is an then they played nc state so the only way i feel that you can really judge anybody at this point is alabama's loss to lsu because need ohio state or clemson played anybody nearly ranked that high i don't know they only lost by five who cares but you know something lisa got a god damn place all i know is that the lsu tigers you had to have to have that that that that that you got to take that alabama you can try and shake that off with you stupid i hate you know i can't stand about alabama fence how many of them go actually go where blazers to the god damn game you know i mean like they're actually intelligent you know me walk

they with their khakis and they're loafers like those t c u people i sought the rose bowl all year i add that that take there is actually i i will say though you know with all the attacks on white privilege it is nice to see some people that are still proud of their white privilege i i i do there is something i find it funny on one level was just like i wish all of these people would walk into the most feminist school ever and come in and have no idea about any of their new theories on how we should live in a society all i'm almost out of breath here i was so excited i what i and i watch the game in boston and then i went over to do the the comics come home denis leary twenty fifth anniversary dennis lee cam neely amazing night pete holmes joey and eddie kelly mcfarland bobby

lee john the lady i know i'm gonna forget somebody i did say lenny clarke right who is an amazing amazing amazing amazing show had such a great time eugene mirman came down to hang out was great to see him was just awesome it's that's what i love about that gig is is not only the people that you work with there's always a con a couple a couple of people that come down and hang out so it's really cool anyway so i went there to watch you know of course just like fucking a quarter left and i have to go run over to go do the show so i go in there and i'm i fucked has got to be a tv that's got to be a tv in here right here in the fucking boston garden it's got to be a tv and i walk into where the whole cruise eating and there are eight glorious flat screen tvs in this kitchen area and they all have on the

you see like arizona state game or whatever jesus christ i don't know who the fuck is a fan of fuckin' usc is beyond me somebody said to me one time he said you know something they had the most corrupt football program historically in college football and i kind of got to go with that which is like any if there's a scandal that involves more than one school they are always going to be that other school they scoundrel ish behavior over there so i'm like guys we please put on the lsu alabama game right it's a pro football town nobody seems to give a shit it took like fifteen minutes before they finally got it on my buddies were sending me videos of all the fuckign scores i was convinced that alabama is going to come back

beat him 'cause they always seem to do that and then they turned the tv right as alabama scored that go ahead touchdown with their running back i don't know they fuckin' names that kid twenty two i think he had a great god dam game look remind me at joe morris back in the day on the the new york giants and i just lost my ship i just went wow that's right you fucking lose i was the only person flipping out nobody else

here and i look like a fucking asshole um and i was celebrating and i was talking all this shit like i had something to do with it like i've been a lifelong fan rather than just being a fan since two thousand and seven when i moved out to los angeles and as i said that for whatever fucking reason now let's use playing i guess tight coverage or something they let this guy in alabama get behind him and they immediately scored touchdown i was just like you gotta be fucking kidding me are they really going to do this so anyways congratulations to lsu oh and i watched right before that i watched the last half of the minnesota penn state game you know and i was rooting for penn state because ohio state fans always bitch moan and

playing about alabama being in the playoffs and then not being in the playoff despite the fact when they finally get in there they got their fucking asses kicked right and how we say the sec's weaker than the big ten i'm going to start a lot of ship going to get a lot of emails here ok and then there was this one fucking year both penn state and ohio state bolt had a loss okay in fuqing ohio state's loss was penn state and they still got the nod to go to the fucking playoff and still they still have the nerve to pitch and complain every year so just because of their whining i for some reason like root against them now i can't totally rude against them because my buddy law had such a huge fan so i'm always like happy for him if something good happens for that but that was good for them that penn state just lost another now only undefeated guys in the the east i get you call it and everybody's trying to say hey minnesota

it's for real they're not for real i'm sorry i did not okay date they are like doing well for minnesota they are undefeated jesus comes of very polite angry letters to minnesota come out to you give me on a and they would they would get smoked by an sec team sec is still works at i still think alabama beats minnesota i still think that the dallas you could beat minnesota i still think

both of those teams could fuckin' beat anybody else in the big ten ohio state i don't know we'll see we shall see but what would be fucking great is what if lsu plays ohio state in the college football championship game and the recruit that they wouldn't let start who's now gone down to lsu you know i level alabama was giving him shit saying you're fucking your free agent that you got it's like well you could have got him alabama god knows you fuqing sign everybody else you fucking greedy kundtz it is ridiculous how much i'm into college football this year i don't understand it it's phenomenal rom self congratulations to the lsu tigers of his a deal actually i'm gonna do real little be advertising here and then after that i have a special guest in a bring on to the podcast but i i want to to do this person justice but so i had to i had to

the lsu shift out of my fucking system got it out oh my god i mean it was worth losing till the last fucking seven years just to see that fucking in fuckin' tuska luska oh i love it i love it and they're all fucking making excuses now where should we you we come in contact with your fucking hounds tooth pj's you've been crying in all night all right let's read a little advertising oh look who's here honey giving holiday gifts is great

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slow slow show announcement i'm going to be performing at the mahalia jackson remember that commercial long time ago my halia jackson the queen of gospel or something like that my halia jackson theater of the bing arts in new orleans on january ninth and tenth gene why would i be down there on that weekend wink wink nudge nudge presale tuesday november 12th the same day the mandalorian comes out i'm in star wars all of these years are making fun of it now i'm in it and now i'm promoting you see see what the instead they suck in and then they silence you um star wars come tomorrow the mandalorian this the star wars if you like me you will

wanted to see all right you can tell by the trailer no ewoks baby uh i don't know if that's true don't listen me i don't know i just know he walks out 'cause i've heard enough people complain about it alright presale is tuesday november 12th at one thousand am the cst code oh sorry one thousand am central standard time i thought csd was something i was trying to figure out what it was oh god promoting tickets well well not selling them at the same time that's what i'm doing right now i'd like to go but he sounds too stupid to i want to listen to that for an hour all right the code is bird be you are our presale tuesday november twelfth at ten am central standard time it's on sale to the public friday november 15th at ten a am central standard time

a link will be shared on socials or go to ticketmaster and search bar all right that is the big deal and i'll tell you right now i'm going to leave a pair of fuckin' tickets for the cajun hulk hogan you know but i know he's not going to use him 'cause it gonna be too busy preparing for the national championship game right now you guys don't believe me well i'm going to do it ed orgeron i said his name right uh ok alright with that i'm going to take a pause here it's going to be a plus for you guys 'cause it's just going to click right back on while i wait for my guests to show up here and i'm going to go eat a sad salad 'cause i gotta get i gotta get back on it i gotta get back on it all twinkle toes i gotta stay in fuckin' showbiz shape that's what it is you know you don't think there's body shaming for a toxic white male whether is ladies ok so why don't you

trim your clams an and have a little empathy for once in your fucking life so right when i come back i have a guest bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah stop all right and just like that i am back an as promised a very special guest one of my favorite comics on this on the on the circuit is that what they call it now out there on the circuit absolutely amazing jessica kirson who has a new stand up special done with all things comedy that wonderful company called talking to myself that comes out december sixth on comedy central allow you well i have a special coming out because of you know you don't have a special coming up because i'm sick of going on after you having to get my head together to figure out what i'm going to talk about so i'm hoping you blow up on this and you get the fuck out of the clubs

go down there relax oh my god if anyone and follow me it's you i got lost i think this is in this is is widely said it's like you need you need a game plan to go on after you you do you know what you want you don't like take a night off you just go up there and you like the well she's going to hit a lot of double plays but she's going to hit good forty eight home runs ever you swing out of your cleats i'll tell you what happened i'd used to take it down before other comics so that they feel better and not have to work hard and then i was like what the fuck am i doing right here being a people pleaser as always i was why did it take so long for you know why we're all these other comics god bless him get specials before you i you were being nice yeah that's part of it but i really feel ready now i don't know if i would have a while ago like i just feel so ready for it now i think you're going to blow up in i don't really i'm hoping that's happening 'cause i'm a huge fan and then also you

make a company look i know where did where do you find these nuggets these where do you find these people it's like well there right fucking there you guys just don't seem to look you know what i have tell you this should make you happy that i have had so many comics say to me i got to turn this check because my neck is up because i what's wrong with i try to make my daughter laugh and she right now she's loving the double take and it's fifty one doing the double take as much as i love to hear a laugh is really fucking my neck up so i got to make sure that i'm just that is so sad tell you i mean it's a beautiful thing but it's really

tell ya i fell off a motorcycle so i know something exciting now or i was benching yeah hundred bucks i up my shoulders you know my body my body just turn the forty or forty one today and he's doing a classic thing that i did when i start to get old and you start freaking out and he was just going to i'm going to get in like the sickest shape he goes i'm gonna try to run out of five something forty yard dash trim and it's like i told margo don't do that to do you need to you need to come up with the work out for your rates because that's what that's how i up my shoulders was i got back into the gym and the big thing when i was a kid was was two twenty five put numbers twenty five 'cause you had two falcon forty fives on each side of the bar and it looked cool so i was like i'm going to get back to that and i had already fucked my shoulder up and didn't realize it so i started off with just like i was literally like one hundred and thirty five hundred forty pounds in the first three times it brought it down i felt this burning in my own

right shoulder so i'm from the eighties no pain no gain i kept going through it and my shoulders been fuckd up since i finally rehab right one and now my left one you know is so i mean i should have rehabbed it a long time ago but it involves like rotator cuffs involving credible patients i know i know which was going through i don't have i know i don't either most people just say and they'll be like an operation something it likes that is what most people do yeah i'm going to go get physical thigh jaws it's a lot yeah they were sick of these balls i hate it makes feel very uncomfortable i have to tell you when they're like okay lawn to like i i feel like someone just make sure i know that sounds weird you have lumbar support yeah hello who even knows what lumbar is i guess it's a back thing it is but let me tell you this before i forget because it's very all right so many comics from la and new york have said to me that what you did for me gave them so much hope i told mike birbiglia that

ninety four thousand generate constantly not you i'm just amari face of that company are you are you the all handsome orange face yeah you know it's funny he took a meeting recently i was pitching you know what we're doing you know doing my little song and dance in la as you do and i was trying to describe our company and this woman goes i swear to god she goes oh so you just find like a bunch of weirdos and you kind of weird oh yeah and then she kind of caught herself she goes well weirdos i go is these are called like the funny people that you that you passed over that's unbelievable no it was that's so typical who makes decisions in hollywood to not sure is cool and everything but i just was like that sort of running joke with me and the other guy were in the meeting it's that's what we do we just find these weirdos you know those people that actually have an hour of material have actually

all the rooms in our seasoned and are ready yeah to do something so i i thought it was i kind of made me at first i was taken aback like wow man i can't believe she just said that but then afterwards like i took it as a complement of being like all right well i i think i'm doing something i think they were doing some right here if you are you are we had well adversity and then we had an ad words and they both smashed it and then now we got you coming out what i love is all we did was just try to find the funniest people are most favorite people that for whatever reason had especially and then we were like accidentally progressive can i know i know i mean you really with me you got pretty it's good yeah yeah i know i am not a line of my legs that's how i am you do by the way i fucking went up last night here in new york oh my god where uhm i did this stand and then i did new york

club in uh i'm doing those places 'cause i find when i come back if i go to the old places like i don't we've got new york and boston is the same way i go there because i started there so long ago because some of my friends are just not there anymore either literally have passed on with the business or just don't do stand up anymore you go in you know you just you can't help it look familiar face in there not there it just makes me depressed so i wasn't going down do the clubs that i always go to so i i you know the stand is new new york comedy club is no right so i went down there and i went downstairs and there was a woman on stage and i could just hear the way the crowd was laughing i was like what's going on with the show and they go they something was built around a podcast oh yeah like there was a woman who had a podcast and it was her show and i said alright forget it i'm not going on this one so it's just

according as i'm gonna yeah because i'm gonna bomb yeah and then i went up stairs isn't it amazing you say that yeah i'm not a mom i already such a comic i'd love that yeah i'm not going to interrupt me when they're walking night and i'm not going to get unless the people don't care yeah i'm not doing that so then i go up stay and they have like the the the the little lunch all there in the back of the club i go can i go up here i did that the other night i inject these army lang it's amazing yeah on my podcast what's that one was like the indian can median showcase and it's like all right so now what i want to be the toxic white male who comes on this show i'm like fucka now i was gonna literally leave the club but that the guys run the shows i don't know go on go on go on but i had a i had like an okay sat like it's it's still weirdest yeah thing were part of getting old i think is this is what happens but the weird thing about this generation's it's usually like the young people are

shocking you yeah now i'm finding it's like they're boring me to tears it's interesting isn't it no it's it's i mean it's upsetting i wanted to be like show me the what's around the corner what's next yeah make me feel no i'm slowing down and they're up there you know the crowd just make you feel like i don't know i i walked out of there going like i might have fucking moron like i i feel like stupid when i do stand up in now it's not like that around the country but it is really like a weird thing with like la in new york there is this something about who move here they just think there so amazing i know simply that they moved here and then they think all of their thoughts are the and all of the direction of state society should go in and i'm like i don't like last night it wasn't like hospital fear well it wasn't

call silvia yeah i feel like they kind of grew up with these fucking phones and ships kind of used to being watched so they have like it's al gore energy we just kind of like just like so outside his body yeah the whole time he ran for president not present is that were not present an there over thinking everything that's the difference too like i feel like people used to sit and really just be in the comedy show and listen and i feel like they're overthinking things like the thinking about what you said it's like no just be there and just have fun and let go yeah i'm saying stupid if you think about i laugh every time when i'm making some dumb face or doing like a character in there just staring at me trying to figure me out i'm like you're never figure me out there's your neck it's not possible like i'm an idiot this device there's no there's no layers here nothing there's nothing to figure it out in a fucking idiot right now

we would first what would you start here in new york and i busted my a i mean i'm talking open mikes for years i was like from the boston comedy because yeah age i started in ninety nine so twenty years ago an i work worked hard from the beginning i loved it i don't love it now i don't love it as much as i used to because of how everyone is so crazy well i think they do stand up here it's a little or if you do stand up in la it's a little like i i don't know what i don't know what it is like the whole thing um i i don't something have i said that trump one right yeah and snl had that actor on there dressed as hillary clinton playing the piano singing like coom by ya i was just like what the fuck uh and like this show they used to be like they were like anarchy i know they weren't aligned with the political party and i'm not

not singling out that show but that show is such like a like a juggernaut that it was just like wait so they're trying to suggest that like hillary clinton's like a decent human being i mean none of these people are like that was i felt like that was the angle of that show back in the day where would sort of make fun of any but it's sort of like i felt that they were saying hey we all voted for hillary in hillarys a saint almost religiously like by play religious song maybe i missed the point of it but when i watch that i was just like what the f really most people are in the middle on so many i mean i even am like if people look at me i'm a woman i'm a little older i'm married to a woman like they think i think a certain way and i don't i think that's why so many got start following me once they see my act or here in a pot pastor like oh she doesn't think like i'm not overly liberal no

well it's great if i'm in new york people think i voted for trump and if i go like nebraska they think i voted for hillary and like i didn't vote for either one of those sucking dick so whatever but i don't want to sit there like i mean it's just i don't know i always get on this fucking stupid subject i feel like i'm feeding it so i should i should say but so this this it is our tell us about your latest hours stayed up like how did you uh like uh throughout all of those years when you shoulda got a special and you didn't write what would you do with all of that like how did you handle that material well i did a bunch of like tv spots where i did some of ariel a lot of it but i yeah i mean that was the one i don't compare myself and better thank god i don't go there i'm not like him she got this and that person but did you ever well

the only thing i did really was with specials i was like what the is going on this is crazy i think i should get a special this is like that yeah yeah i'm trying to get on letterman yeah i see somebody else get it and be like that guy got out of it you know i think they made so many mistakes with all of those shows that now they're going back to really trying a little bit to get people were funny even if they are older in their white and whatever i think there's a zillion people and i really don't think it's personal i think it's fuckin' chaos it's not personal yeah and everybody is just doing the best they can an there's no fucking way that people in the industry can figure out who all the good people are 'cause they're too busy doing that fuckin' office thing not to give other option for exactly they're trying to cast stuff to like they have to get a win i mean i i know because i've worked behind the scenes to like you have and i started producing a lot of stuff and i see what happens i see

i've learned that out yet through would trying to develop stuff yes like certainly be developing like all this person's easy and then the other the eggs dip the best people to try to develop stuff with with they understand yeah and this the patient but when you get with somebody who is just select i don't fuckin' under i said i wanted this it six it's later and i don't have it and i want to know what the fuck is going on just like holy oh this is the other side of the table yeah and i'm also happy that it believe it or not i'm here it has not been easy for me i know that sounds crazy that i'm saying that because i've been through so much in this business but i'm happy like no one did hand anything now it's built in bedrock yeah i mean i really like you all of those fuckin' rooms now when you go up in front of a gay crowd do you do you find that they medically like you or gay men love i mean love me

and sometimes i could they get offended sometimes and i get enraged cuz they're my people so it just makes me want to suck dick i'm like please make me straight please god do something after the show it's very hard for me it's with jewish people to older jews when they get hostile and offended and mad and i'm like please you're my people like just let go do you but also there are in all fairness when you go up do you try to fuck with them a little bit yeah do you feel 'cause you feel like they feel oh you you are what i am there for you think the way i do do you deliberately go up there and maybe now why do but for a of course for a while when i had no money and i was desperate i had to just play the game because i wanted to get paid do you have any good stories of of lesbian crowds not liking you all i've there a lot of times some will come up to

i was very offended when you said the thing about disabilities because i have a disability and i have a dog in the right now i'm really rude back but before i do so sorry i'll never say that and i wouldn't say that joke again like i would get feel really bad 'cause i'm really empathetic i was going yeah yeah you like trying right now i'm like fuck you i'm sorry when people try to silence me it enrages me especially women another woman tries to silence me i'm like you're not supposed to do that like let me be you know what that is that's that's of the fallout of all those years of you being overly empathetic to people who were not showing you any empathy i know and then you got to work out why did i do that to begin with i know why i did it why i mean i just because i would put other people's needs before myself and why because i want them to like me why i'll tell you

why does my mother's a therapist and she brought me up because you're going to layout so it's really true anytime something happened with someone i was my fault and i had to look at what i did to make it happen she fucked me up that way i'm serious i mean she well but like you know our teacher once through a brush it may or something and i told her i said well what did you do to make that happen why did he throw about you what did you do to so i've never it's like always blame myself no no no no no i'm saying that's what she would say why all right where you don't know what he's gone through when he's had a hard time so was i literally my entire life was brought up like that yes i ate my thing i i used to be the way you were i know in my thing was uh everyone was fucking with me my whole life yeah you know had fuckin' or in

there i just there was nowhere to hide i used to get my act i hated punk rockers you know when they would die their hair and they thought they were rebels since like dude you can wash that out like this is a fucking life send yes you know yeah you're like i could just take the staples out of your face go back to your brunette hair and just slip back into the matrix anytime you've had enough right so yeah i just found that if i just i didn't even know i was doing it i used to just adjust personality to everyone around me so i would just like it like a glove and then everybody fucking liked me and then meanwhile i wasn't speaking up for myself was wasn't sticking up for myself and then the friends that i had a lot not all of them but a lot of them were like oh this this person likes me 'cause i do what they want to do so it wasn't like a real friend i knew those people find people like that i see her like child molesters they go to a park and they can see the kids they can you know

the late yeah there are a lot of people who can find people like the way will be what it is it's it's your the only there's such yeah the more empathetic you are if you if you don't if you wield it just with you know there's no governor on it yeah is you your chances of meeting apps at the biggest ever our exponential because they you are literally the only person that will tolerate a full that's exactly right right so i saw a lot of that growing up and then i did it and then somewhere in my late twenties i became one of the angriest man i feel and i am still likes well i work for the first like twenty five years of my life i thought i was kind of this happy go lucky and everybody else did yeah well

happened was is you speak you spend a third of a century doing what other people want you to do you end up in a place you don't want to be and i and i i found like i was ended up on i mean i did start stand up at twenty three almost twenty four and the stand up thing i think because i was so i had such social anxiety i was just like i just become a comedian people will see that i'm funny the light and then everyone will stop fucking with me like i literally did it as like an advertisement this is bill he silly he smiles and he works totaly clean he doesn't offend anybody and now let's all just you know

and and when i got off stage i had no need for everybody to come up to me what it was was i just knew that everybody now thought i was funny and i was cool that i could now relax in the room india by myself in the corner so i was doing that and if you would like that personality you know you're not going to get the girl or whatever the fuck you're into you i'm going to get the job you're not going to get the gig you're not going to get it 'cause everybody else is being like now i want that i want that and then you fucking start resenting those people for speaking up for themselves and then just spelling all of this enerji resenting all of these people simply because they're asking for what they fucking want and then you've also attracted all these super fuckin' toxic people yeah yeah so that the exact same thing right

and and then also halfway through that then you realize what an you are in all the bullshit that you're doing because then you go to the whole of the thing of like all that's what i'm doing all my god i'm a victim on justice and that's and then you get to that level off point like a penny over correct and then i got to come like okay i'm also account and i'm moody yeah i'm david i in a rush out the fish yeah although it's janet i know so i i i i at a certain point thought gee i am being a complete victim i i don't have patience for that name with people i think there's a certain point you can milk it and then fucking move on well you can't because you're not going to get what you want 'cause nobody gives a sh i know know know we still need to stop long enough yeah people will pretend it's really hard for you can i ask as a woman comedian do you feel it's harder for you guys to take the mic out of the mic stand than a male comic now i don't feel like it's harder for me

i actually feel like they don't know what i just said oh absolutely have fun with you you're so self involved i will is it harder for you guys to take my car out of a stand you just answer that wow this is great how she's doing the job right now i think my dad i hated myself that i was like yeah it is yeah i know oh god said wasn't a real question yeah that was very funny i wish i caught on right away i i do the same thing i just find it funny like the all of that it's harder for me it's hard to this this is hard it's just like i always look i'll sign off on it's harder but i i don't sign on that you have it easy everybody it's hard the whole fucking thing is hard there's some people who have it more hard that's it well this is interesting because i did it i was on stage with nikki glaser and rachel feinstein the other night and this woman we did a question and

it was hysterical and this woman in this black woman in the back said what do you think about it being very hard for black comedian female comedians that they don't book to line it's very hard for them and i said listen i'm in my late forties i'm heavy i'm gay it has been very hard for me to like it's it's hard for a lot of like i can get black backlash for this but right now is very moment it's hard for white guys were starting out like it shocking for people hear me say but that's it's just it's hard for different people at different times and i it's just it's the pendulum swing stand there goes all the way over there i think it's going to kind of let them eat something i think no one was listening to women and you're doing all this horrible shit and then the court finally blows off the bottle and then it way far right over correction every guy gets treated like he took his dick out of work or knew somebody you didn't help cover it up and now it's it's it's coming back now like i just saw something instantly like jeff goldblum made some

sort comment about woody allen and saw that until just like oh my god i can never watch him pretend to fight a fake dinosaur i can't believe i know that is so i think you guys just like say what you believe and own it and not apologize and yeah because i don't know what you're going to hate this guy because he has an opinion you're gonna start treating him as though he did the thing that you're accusing this other guy at the one that's where i come but i saw enough pushback going like guys guys you know there's you know his push back happening a lot more hours just like all right already all right also i think those people really need to go talk to someone because i think the people that get the most offended have a lot jammed up from their past i really do believe that i think they're still upset about something that happened to them or things they went through and i feel like if you work on that a lot your urine you take it less personally when someone says something like that my favorite thing is just the the complaints on hearing the most is from white women

and that's the i know i i loved it when they were saying that on stage i was laughing it's just cult like somehow they put themselves at the front of oppressed people why are women in the united states of america not saying they don't have some bullshit that they got to go through but jesus christ i mean yeah i relate to that learn ways at all i also the female comic have gotten a lot more work because i'm funny now i'm serious like a lot of times they want a woman on the show or need a woman i've gotten a lot of work because i've played that the right way right just getting stronger and stronger and being a woman that they know can deliver or your show what's the worst gig early on but you do oh my god i mean i don't but here in new york my first road gig i did bananas in poughkeepsie godina hotel in holiday inn was my first page

okay can i was i was hosting an sherrod small was middling an i went up an i was doing my thing and some guy stood up and he's like you fucking suck you fat bitch like just screaming i'm like dad no he was screaming and like in a point where it was like really bad and i did i don't know how to make it funny i was six months since i was like fuck you and i was this horror full screaming match with instinct she went back i went i always do like i will attack so i went fucking crazy and people were freaking out like freaking out i want to be your mother here but how bad were you bombing that you made that guy say that to you no i wasn't getting off kidding i was leery like is anyone celebrating i mean who's so crazy just hated me so i was like you fucking must beat your wife you fucking like i went

now i like that that's going to master pilot screen what your mother do to you like i went 'cause i have a therapist background my mom like i was get him did you get it was not funny i got him back but it was not funny i was standing up and we were screaming i mean it was really bad and then she rod went up and attacked the guy which i will never forget that he did that he really went crazy on the guy and i have to tell you i was bedridden i was it was two weeks first shows the weakness rocio ever did did you have to do and uh on that night or ten oh no i do another one that night to the next night it was so there was a time that i would i would not accept a gig if i had to get on the eighty seven ni just i just wouldn't do it i know it's i can't i was like i can there was something about as long as i was still in the city it was sort of magical and if i was an eighty seven a little bit i wouldn't mind if i had to make a left and start going out to buffalo i know but if i had to do that fucking eighty seven ad

it's just it's always bad straight this i think it's a look the same what could rest areas rations yeah yeah all bad i can't believe i just didn't drive into a tree in canada one tonight i just believe i haven't either i can't believe the things i dealt with but it's why i got good because i've had to deal with horrible i've worked like a dude i mean seriously how you do sounds crazy and horrible some people might it's really traveling lock them i know i'm going on the road by myself and driving all over the country and being in rental cars and not even going into a rest of reddit p i t in the car 'cause i was so afraid literally as a woman at night he in the car how into like i remember to a bottle once like a i know that sounds i don't know you guys could do that

well it was the degree of derek waiting for you is way more than it was a tupper ware thing it wasn't like a soda but that's what i would yeah casserole but i was freaking out it was my gram china now i will really affect your fight to get out of the car diane is that makes sense but i think that all that i really am this is why i said what do i want to when i was talking about trying to understand women in their fear when they walk around it's like you have a watch as a guy you when you watch one of those behind the scenes present things yeah i do think how the would i go in there and not get raped in a i now it's like women kind of have to do that it different points during the day yeah like at night stopping off at a rest area getting to an elevator with another guy by by yourself like shit like that and then they're like oh yeah i guess that i guess there is true because i mean when i'm walking a lot of times i think someone is walking behind me do you feel like that if i ever feel that way

i think they're going to club me over the head and take my wallet yeah i think they're going to rip my pants off and just impregnate me which is way worse than a purse yeah i don't speak for you i don't know about that design yeah i don't know if the person matches your outfit what are you going is that a toss up first of all i don't wear a purse i wear a handbag what's the difference got i i've never said can you get my purse i mail that way i don't i don't use the word herzberg yeah or a bag or something purses very remember i dated a woman who wouldn't say panties so what you see the underwear coming under and we could hear these is so much hotter it is under where it was just like i just can't picture like bedzin fuckin' three inch dick coming out of repubs yeah i just didn't fucking it was just one of those people that was just sort of anti

all of that is such a hard that's a turnoff to me well it is never with a woman like that as what's your type i go for fem women who are naturally pretty usually dark hair ethnic look i like like occur italian he's i know you know what we can get back in the day you and i could make we could have been like when meant for each other now no no i love male comics always send me pictures of link actually a com show me a picture of the seller the other nights like you want to see a picture of the car and i thought it was going to be like a sexy picture of her just like making a phase one of the guys will be a close up it was a close up of her and i'm like do i this isn't this is too much i don't need to see that i get a bit i always thought like that was one of my complaints about the ways porn was always shot but there was never enough time on her face enjoying it it was it was like an anatomy class it's like i get it his dick is in her

so and then it's just like for the most part because the ladies goods are internal i'm really just looking at the undercarriage of a guy it's like i felt like watching like some undercarriage hawaii it's like it was oddly like the industrial revolution meets like hiking i was missing was like a smokestack polluting the local area so that was my thing what i wouldn't like it was just at first you know them you know but that's a danger point is you just watch it for awhile then you like i now this is boring yeah i move on to the i want some kind of build up i know like you see their face one second the next second it's covered in like black tears in seeming like it's like can you tell me what happened in between there's no arc now i know that's what it is yes like and it ruins sex for a lot of people i also i also don't like those porns where it's just it's in already it's just i don't want that added what happened well i don't like the

it's there where they have the camcorder on the ground like so tell us when she's like i'm sixteen like thirty four that's the word eckstine you don't want so i have a septic that we had i and it's this whole interview i didn't i don't want that now i also don't want to go right to it so worn ted talk no it's calvin klein ad i want i hate is when there's a dude banging a chick and then there's another dude talking shit the camera like 'cause he doesn't have the courage to fuckaround fillmore dozen doesn't happen on dick on camera dick and it's just like we've shut the fuc up yeah you want dick right you want that like that's what will say to the general is like a he i guess like the robot him his her and he's like bed ridden or something i yeah i i've never been i bet he's a thing i've been trying to like

totale uhm clean up my act like i quit drinking he almost a year ago and now i'm trying to cut back on cigars i kind of pretty much have cut the porn watchin way down an it's been this really challenging think it's very hard work because then what it ends up it becomes like this thing of like so i'm just going to take on every day i know have to feel everything and deal with what the fuck it's brings me like i don't understand like to sit there you know there's also this emotional eating this this watching porn this get this get shopping there has all of that shambling work right working out i mean a you can hear it in anything yeah so i'm sitting there going like you know so yeah you can really spend a lifetime hiding from whatever the fuck it is that you could maybe then

i always say there's four garbage cans in three lids like there's always one thing brewing for me and look at i'm not drinking or doing drugs i'm not smoking cigarettes i'm not eating i'm not gambling like i'm flirting more like it's first there is always something that i have to look at don't you feel like it's uh it's just you just need you once you find out what a rushes you kind of like you like it's almost hard to go like two thousand four hundred and forty eight hours without feeling some sort of heightened thing and when i was sitting there like look thinking about my life being like i didn't really start going out hanging out my buddies my beer drinking buddies you know back in the day in highschool tiles like seventeen so i spent at

kate and a half like straight edge you know just because i yeah that is why pry you started doing like wanting to part now now now now but i mean like i was able to handle that and it wasn't a problem at all but once i found out like what a release going out a known drinking like at that when i started for budweiser's that's all it took i remember like during like mid week i would start to feel like i mean i get hammered this weekend i can't like i was going out to get faced and i just think that there's a thing that once you do that because then there's a couple comics i know that i've never drank never did drugs you know they're like my age but that's impressive yeah but then you know something then they they tend to be like women nice

but i don't think that's the worst thing as long as it practicing safe sex and then i fucking hurt anybody i don't think going out and banging a bunch of fuckin' women is necessarily i don't either i mean that's the worst thing i think if you're not hurting anyone it's fine and you're being careful but they should teach you how to do that yeah how to not hurt somebody because they don't because i i i've i've a lot like i heard a lot of people come just be out of being an idiot and i just wish that they like they taught you i know likes to think to respect to respect the opposite sex or whatever the you too and then how not to hurt them so you could just be like this for kids and do just walk around being like a not rated being a relation

tip uh but i but i you know i am looking to have some funds men don't know they really aren't taught that they just do what they think is the right thing and they don't they don't even mean they don't even know it's not ok until later on then another thing too is like when you finally getting laid you like holyshit it's finally happening it's like when you first trying to be a comedian you every funny thing that you said you start getting into these fuckin' relationship for there's really nothing there but you don't have the confidence that another woman is actually going to want to have sex

so you know in the early on you just like it was for me i you kept getting these relationships before he finally just like what the am i doing i don't wanna be in this and i'm hurting people so then dj i just sort of stopped yeah being in relationships yeah you did yeah and then you met your wife is that one yep that's usually how it works yeah then i was just like alright this and then i met when i met near i was actually a little upset i was just like aflac you may now i'm like i'm i like this person got it because i was kind of thinking like yeah i was enjoying like what i found was i the hotel zero has a gray had the greatest joke about that where it sucks at night but for the rest of the day it was awesome

like waking up i think i've heard him say yeah i forget how we we worded it perfectly as always but i just remember waking up not being in a relationship was the great it's just like drinking yeah not drinking socks at night waking up stone sober life not hung over yeah eight hours a great sleep i feel like i could run through a brick wall right and i don't know what i would during that time when i was just like this i'm not gonna relationships and not doing this anymore waking up and not having that person next to me they can like a hawk god is the writing wedding i doing how do i get out it's like yeah just not having that and just not hurting anybody you know and being able to be like i'm not in a relationship it just fucking being cool with that was done that to myself a lot where i'm like i'm just not going to really

inject like it's hard you don't want to hurt someone you want to make sure you're getting into its so much work yeah it really is ok i love your relationship and how you are in your relationship 'cause it's rare for i feel like for comedians at our age it's like and we were just saying i mean i was talking to god i'm energies i know because i was my big fear i'm going to be that fifty year old fucking guy but there's so many that i know and then they kill and then they stand out front of the club hey ladies look at her they're desperate for that love and connection and they want kids and they want a why even though it's so sad i in your hair it's just it's a bad it just becomes like a bad like it's a bad fucking it's a bad look so um i don't know so anyway i really gotta tell you something i really am excited for this thing to come out and for people

see what a great comic you are in those twenty years that you put in after peeing into a fuckign tupper ware in two of us into a vise cmu elegant in the beginning yeah yeah well i always was okay yeah your money no but i'm hoping like it's it's done you know it did great things for verse he like versus now at the headline in edwards to start a headline and all type of stuff and i'm just hoping like all you guys already started from people hearing about it i am things are on a roll i mean like you know i'm doing the tonight show soon and you know that i am yeah i'm like there's a lot going on with a minute people heard about it they were so excited it's also a great story it's like a lot of people will pick the twenty five year old or your old hot girl who's like really ironic and says really smart thing you know it's a great story they all seem to be just talking about their vaginas they are

deck and it's how marilyn i know i i really feel like a lot of food female comics are the new dick joe comics i was standing way to go at the comedy store and there was this female comic on stage in the she was talking about i just look at this other guy we just started laughing and it took me back to when i first started headlining in the nineties and they would be you know one of those eighties headliners who is now meddling and and they went once they went into this section you knew that this is this is we're going to be wrapping it up and there was there was that and then from the proctologist fingering your asp it he's got his finger in my action i fucking like i could have enjoyed and it's just so now i know that's a big one that is a big one and then you want and then they would end screaming the whole place going

not yeah and they would be on eleven and then i would go first few times it went up there and i made the mistake of starting my act at eleven just coming out did you see darting up yeah and i and i would yeah and then also giving eleven energy to shift that

even deserve a6 right and i would be eight minutes into my set an i would literally be like fucking out of breath an i forget who the fuck finally told me how to handle shit like he was the one who i think it might have been like jeff ross or somebody told me because i used to watch jeff follow these really high energy guys so i learned that like you have to start way beneath their thing and then you know it takes about five minutes and then build back up again but like i remember some of the fucking shit i had to go on after it's unbelievable through louis ck told me a story one time he had to go on this guys closing bit was it was he played the national anthem with fart noises and it was an actual orchestra playing it and then he was like fighting like like the partners and the guy was making the faces and he said it was like oh must have been screwed it was bedlam bedlam and he had the flu can go on there an like

well that i got to get him on here never tell light or i have to tell well he was very complimentary to me he saw me like six months ago and said you're really one of the best comics there and it was really sweet what he said to me on a golf yeah i don't i mean there are a lot of female comics who don't just talk about that and they're killer but i just was in la and it was really calm and there it was i think i might try to shade aren't like you know what options are are there are a lot one is done the good ones don't i don't know if like it's like yeah i get it yeah i mean put things in there easier to be honest when i go up and do that kind of stuff it gets big it's easy to talk about you i never really did sex jokes yeah i could always because they eat the level of like laughing that people would do and then they don't like nothing in my act could follow that you can't start with section i ask i find

that you could do that so you can while thing was the only thing i and any time if i would do something like that i was also in my catholic upbringing i was a bit of a prude i think but i always loved the comics so my favorite comics did kinda do stuff like that but like as long as there was like like because i think some people get branded dirty who aren't dirty i do too like i remember early on um in the in the boston scene when joe rogan came up and it was you know there was all of these fucking guys who he blew off the stage really is what it was and then he had left town so then they were talking all this disco he was just you know you know filthy but blah blah blah that's what they do right and then i remember i saw joe at the kowloon and i'm like this guy is this guy is brilliant like his his tigers fuqing bit now if you want to just be like just throw everything into a bin ok that is a sex joke

but the performance the pov right the sound effect of the fucking tiger i mean my that was like a face melting bit for me to watch and then even like his throwaway stuff yeah he said he had this joke i feel like i hate doing peoples jokes but this is so fucking this is like twenty years ago i did this yeah he did this joke he said you have a c uh you have a woman give you a hand job he goes it's like brushing your teeth with your left hand and that's like one of those things like ok technically that is show me but that is a yeah a joke and where i was in my life right then was like that be that was becoming that that with those who variances that i had and that was the fact that was the war it was almost it was almost worse than not sex at all it's worse than not being done

yeah it was that bad and he put it so perfectly in so quick like the way a steven wright could but it was like a uh it had to do with sex so these guys that's the i see all right so i mean i think it's thirty just to be dirty then it's not funny right dirty stuff i even less and less if you're being dirty just to be dirty just too shadow that's my favorite comment and that is functional area really offend people and you're doing it for that reason i'll die laughing i saw bob zumo to do the andy kaufman character there with a fox a guys name i always forget the characters name is one of my favorite oh i'm tony wait no oh i know what you're talking about my brains friday so is mine so he went up there and he was doing this fucking bit and he was going to sing a song with the band and it was in the most of the crowd was so young they didn't know who the character was and he was

annoying the shit out of everybody and then he goes uh it's just this song is dedicated to the american indians and then you see just starts naming tribes because there so the crow rapper hope my car last i can't breathe minute later apache he just cap yeah fucking going i was crying i know i've done that with gilbert godfried where i literally have almost thrown up from laughing where i've opened for him years ago and he would just torture people a caroline's like half the crowd would walk out he would literally it he we play with the microphone once for like ten minutes do you know how long that is like he would not stop trying to adjust it and he wouldn't say anything and people were like what the going on like and then half the crowd was screaming laughing because they they understood him but that kind of makes me laugh harder than any i mean can you pick a harder row

no i'm not doing that like i've been a crowd pleasing jacket it's the fact that i can't believe like i used to watch patrice fuckin' walk rooms and like i don't i've ever seen more joy on his face yes because you realize even when they like you it doesn't mean anything when they don't like let me like nothing i think it was like a power in that were like that how much you try to act like you don't give a fun when you would like waka room but my thing is always i think if you what if somebody left in the fun was over the key was make them want to leave but just enough that they didn't so they had to keep listening to you yeah they up towards i like when people are afraid to leave when i'm going off on that yeah that's the best for people who want to see a live before run you special drop city got anything coming up the next month do you have to go to jessica curse dot com kirson it has my whole schedule met the stress factory in bridgeport thanksgiving weekend

yeah and then is there is a where is where i'm from so that's awesome and yeah i have a ton of stuff coming up if they just go on my schedules are listed there all right beautiful well i'm such a huge fan use and i'm so happy that we got to get business together and that's what i'm an i pod cast to your company you are know that yeah just knowing that i just a pretty face off yeah my don't hide cast is relatively sane and i buy more just moved it all things comedy all right well next time because i'm i got a quick run here in new york next time you come out to la bring your little just come by at i will i will not going out yes right i cried carson december sixth the central talking to myself one of the best out there that you need to know about alright thank you for listening go fuck yourselves and i'll check in on you on thursday