They don't want to huddle all the hello and welcome to another episode of no such thing as a fish. A weekly podcast this week coming to you from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. My name is Dan Schreiber joining me as ever the three key. Why else? Please welcome to the stage the Andy Murray has escaped and James Oregon, the once again, we have gathered around the microphones with our four favorite backs from the last seven days and in no particular order. Here we go starting with you. James Harkin, okay, my thought this week is that less, Vegas host an award ceremony for people who make awards what what do they get. They get

the old obelisk, that is the awards and Personalization Association, and they celebrate things like best trophy that gas in the world and best pluck that got swarm as plaque best plaque on our best summed blasting Swamp that I didn't look it up here, the? U S in Canada. Industry for awards is three billion dollars a year. That's how much people spend Mona works and that I worked it out is enough to give every person in the country a three to five and resin trophy and the spot of their choice.

as he a much better way of doing it, just do away with all the games and sports just give everyone a trophy yeah be great nosing! That's because well they aren't hugely money. Don't need the Oscars! We might have talked about this before the Oscars, the party bag that you get if you're attending the Oscars is extraordinary. It's worth something like one hundred and twenty grand per bag. Last year or the year before came with a every female who'd attended got in their party bag, a genital stimulator, I think, and it was it- was surgery that can be performed on you in order that you have better orgasms and every woman who attended the Oscars got a little voucher for one of these surgeries thing is getting this, but I'm not anti bags of you. It's not a balloon and a bit of cake runners in Nigeria, the eventual at it

they ve. I started looking up some other award ceremony that the UK has on this fact, and you might like to know that there is a british Khabar wards. Were categories include best newcomer, kebab, restaurant and outstanding contribution to the cabin the street, which this year, I'm sure we'll know, was won by Edmonton meat

and how are the acceptance speeches for that? You just have to slowly turn around the another awards ceremony that they have, which I think the price for this is enormous, given the nature of it. So the smelly foot contest the Riki for competition, for which is called the sneaker contest, the sneaker contest and you, the winner, every year, gets two thousand five hundred dollars as well as two nightstand New York and a trip to a Broadway show which just proving that you're having smelly feet. Yeah how's it judged by a panel of judges judge, because I actually, coincidentally googled this as well. They they check the condition of your heel of your shoe.

the soul, the tongue, the shoelaces, the odor of the shoe witches and tested by a group of people, one of whom is NASA's, sniffer, know the guy? We smells everything before it goes up in spite of this guy, this guy's incredible. He literally he has the most sensitive nostrils on our planet. Nothing goes into space unless he goes under his nose and he goes up. That's it. That's the only way, those into space. What if he doesn't like the smell it does not go to space is the most powerful ceta nostrils on our planet and he gets test four times a year where they put beakers of different smells under his nose. Some contain no smell, some contain a tiny trays and if he fails, he loses his job. He has never failed

that's not rules on the planet, even if it really is gonna lucrative sneak a judging career. So the other thing that these guys do in the competition is that the entrance has to give a verbal response to the question why he stroked. She feels that he stroked she has rotten sneakers and how they got that way. Unless she is when I can Young is answered the question with I bike and high coffin. I've warn them through mud and also through chicken pigeon goose and of

and I also don't wear socks so that was the sock bit got you yeah yeah, oh yeah, and you get into the the whole of fumes. Don't you go to resist a few? If you win it clever contest, that's actually true that wasn't me making it really about to say: yeah you go supposedly. The original trophy was an ancient greek word and it comes a trophy is what it was originally and it was when you hung your dead enemies armor on a tree after a battle. So everyone could see that you had one place and have you guys heard of the golden color awards know which are a really big deal apparently every year, there's an award ceremony that follows the Oscars for the best dog

films, really yeah yeah and you get the same. Cause agrees that you get the best organ, a theatrical film, which I think the dog in the dog in the artist want it. In the year I was reading, awry p just passed away. Sorry, it's not break, in news that happened ages ago. Just no one knows cause. No one cares. It's not like a well after his death. He might have taken part in the UK is good funeral awards. The real thing categories include cemetery of the year in Bama of the year major contribution to the understanding of death, whoa wow, yeah and finally, my favorite is grave digger of the year. That is real. What is it? You dig a grave yeah. What did you call it? The disease is a strength or speed or tenth, because there's a famous term this

it gives it a sort of bottom ceiling, as it were, six diet. I don't like the phrase bottomless elite, yeah and okay? We always lose at some stage early today, really demote, speaking of bosoms, something that you could do with your Boston relating to awards ceremonies it'd, be a seat filler at the Oscars right. I think we should try and do that, but so I think you can only get the job if you work for PWC, which sponsors the Oscars or, if you know someone involved, but it's because if the camera pans out to the audience and like you know, Liv Tyler will have his famous. These days goes to the toilet. Then it looks like there's an empty seat, and so you've got to wait there in the wings and as soon as a famous person stands up, then you gotta run into that seat. Sit next to George Clooney for a bit but you're under strict instructions not to interact with any of the actual.

right is this isn't funny, but I had that the National television awards we went on stage and then people came in our seats and then after I used to do that job, we're late How I met everyone at I told What is the if I'm going to get an Oscar and gone back and someone has stolen my seat? I just have the hockey during my stay. I was reading an article about the Oscars and they make about. I think it's about fifty every year, yeah yeah and you're not allowed to sell them either. Are you I thought you had I offer them back to the academy awards. First for a dollar and then at the academy awards are like. Oh, we can't really afford that. Then then, you can put your We'd love to affordable, unfortunately blue all the budget for this year.

think every woman who has had magic, vagina surgery, yeah. I have a few recursive things. Can I say those so is an award ceremony for the awards. There's a village called button on the water in Gloucestershire, and it has a one ninth scale, exact replica of the village inside the village, but that replica also has a village inside of it. Not replica has a village inside of it Andy recursion stops after level fought well five. If you include the original failure, we villages inside a village inside a village inside ability have you of Alice Brady, no one. in nineteen thirty eight. She won the best actress Oscar in best supporting actress in a film called in old Chicago, and she was unable to make it. So I think she was either on holiday or she was sick. Everyone knew she was unable to make it. So someone went and picked up. The Oscar in place of the ceremony turns out. No one knows who that person was. She hadn't sanctioned that

and someone else will, over there, S got no one's ever found out whether they just need to search for a person with the chinese surgery. check it against all the records. How does that are you guys, got googling hard enough, so we move on to our next factors, Kate time for fact, number two, and that is Andrew Hunter. Marie my factors that Napoleon loved rose chicken, so much that is household chefs, were constantly cooking some in case he decided he wanted Danny she's, my personal aim. For my life. That's when you know you ve made it so this I mean is there a lot of is: is chicken sort of really

If you read a Napoleon biography, is it just everywhere? It's just constant mentions of chicken or barely a page goes by in the central seven hundred page Napoleon biography. He was more chicken than man by the end yeah I dunno just something that was an article about it recently at which I spotted this was at his palace in Paris, the jewellery and just chicken was constantly being cooked on a spit because he was very erratic in the way he ate he was. He would have meals at all times of day and he was not a breakfast lunch and dinner sort of man and once when he went on a journey from Cairo to to a website, I think SU, as he just took three roast chickens wrapped in paper as his provisions with them so yeah he loved it, found it quite. A cool muscle, Leni had a code word that he used to tell. Wife, whenever he was doing something in at the table- and he didn't want his mother in law to know what he was doing- the most eating at the table isn't the same as what these people are doing at Mayawati so sorry,

to clarify its once, he left the table that you started doing the thing which I he loved Julie with swords. He was really obsessed with doing with swords, and so he got into fights all the time time with people over just minor little things and he would say at the at the breakfast table to his wife. This was the line today we are making spaghetti was code to say today, I'm going outside to fight another man with swords, and I like what happened if he actually was eight spaghetti one day, and then some guy just came out with a solid, because I thought it was a guy has a confusing could dream, and also I bet like at the same time the mother in law? Could she was living with them would probably be going all spigot. It's an eye then, and no matter what was the plans. It was only be changed because muscle anyone he wanted to fight you just gotta to cook man's hand, I hear what happened today with the spaghetti. How many secrets did he keep from his mother? Did he have a code for I'm going to enslave a nation and then go to war,

where there is other nations. Is that now I'm going to feed the cats? Just as a side note to this fact, I found a website all about rabbits during the course of our research golden Napoleon Bunny part, just just You knew was the polio months, not attacks by rabbits. There is this story, and it's not to know what's propaganda, it's been explained as his light biggest ever defeat that he was, by bodies on the battlefield and how to run away, or some other was when it was visiting Egypt acidly, but yet he was. He was marked by Rubus when it was a hunting or shooting and on people always think he's afraid of cat statement, which I don't think it's true, but I think that confusing and with Napoleon the third, his nephew who used to have to jump onto a table if a cat entered the room or like tat

I climb up the curtains to avoid lumping cuts, can do yeah. That's weird! No, not man, that's why he doesn't have the yeah. The curiosity is uncle to Josephine's dog, really hated Napoleon yeah and apparently jury the wedding night. It bit him on the leg, while he was asleep or not chairing the so that a problem with animals- and I wonder if his actual the rest of his life has actually distracted us from the fact that he was the one who on earth who animals all hated unanimously and that we ve been blinded to that actual real extraordinary facts about a man. There was another napoleon. I think one of the very last Napoleon members of Napoleon family Jerome Bone. Rome Bonaparte moved to New York, guys stop. They escaped today, after the fall of Napoleon lots of his family members with lots and lots of money, and one of them died during better, but I think it was died after tripping over two and tangled

Fuck leads, while out on a wall. Oh yeah, well. Also. He had problems with hosts right. I'm loving this theory. I really think you might be right, hey, so some historians speculate that the reason that he lost at Waterloo is because he had incredibly bad hemorrhoids, which was a serious problem for him that repeated throughout his life and that he couldn't sit on his horse throughout that day, which is June. So I think we don't have any evidence that he wrote his horse, and so he couldn't survey the battlefield properly and he couldn't ride his forces into battle. You have to stay backstage because he couldn't sit in a saddle. It was too painful and then we go. That was the end of everything. So you just go high enough. I mean short. This is a myth, but he was short. Wasn't it yeah? He was, he was kind of shot. He was. I think he was an inch taller than suck cozy okay, but at the time it was told him the average Frenchman. Yes, he was taller than Nelson,

to say, but it is weird telephone. I was reading a thing of first time. First and Sosa is about Napoleon and it's weird how often people point out his small stature, given that we say that he was above average height. Maybe he just seems you know when you see someone who like seems like they're small, but actually there are six foot. Maybe he uses that are very small, demeanor. I dont know why would people always going on about it? Can I am? Can I tell you someone else who likes chicken yeah yeah, it is it I James, like chicken know it Stacey Irving from Birmingham. Of course she eats chicken nuggets is the only thing she eats chicken nuggets all the time she has twenty a day that she shares with her boyfriend and daughters of warm that it's very, very, very bad for her health. Just

in checking. Ok, I mean that's if she shares them, she's, not having twenty a day that sire I mean she is kind of like it is really bad for health. But the newspaper article said less serious consequence of her craving is that she struggling to store all of the free toys that come with a fuss the food man, so she might be dying but yeah. What's she going to keep those ties? What is it the world's largest chicken nugget is twice the size of the world's just chicken really? But what imagine finding that in the box, someone else. Actually, you'll probably know this Gary Watkinson from Huddersfield Coffee,

yeah yeah, he only eats beans on toast, that's the only thing he ever ever eats and it's from ever since he could remember, but he actually said the beans on toast thing is only more recent before that it was just beans and toast separately craft and then, like a second Einstein. One day a moment of inspiration, the Yvonne wake from the nutrition society said. Gary is probably not gods depicted yeah. I read of the art, so just on the subject of leaders and and and food. So a lot of leaders get given international gifts all the time, I'm thinking in particular of the american President's two pandas were given to Nixon that kind of thing, and I discovered that Lbg.

Lyndon B Johnson was given by an unnamed source. A chinese chef called Mr Wong, who just rocked up to White House Door and he used to there's all these reports? No one really knew what he was doing there. Mister Wong just lived with them during his term. They were trying to go to the holiday retreat that they go to and they couldn't find mister. They were bringing him because he decided to play, hide and seek with the president and they eventually found in behind some Kurtz. it's after, like a good long search, and he was hiding from a cat to the vet. Presidents aren't allowed to accept gifts that are worth more than something like five dollars, so he must have been an extremely man. I dunno did you know that fittingly a someone bought so Napoleon has two of those hats that survive the napoleonic hats and one of them was bought for one point: five million pounds,

last year and was bought by a chicken mogul. It was a goodbye, this korean guy, who owns a chain of chicken fried chicken restaurants, the horrible group which I think provides fried chicken to the people of one thinks of Napoleon's being sold and in two thousand and six one of the aliens teeth was sold for eleven thousand pounds. In June this year, a couple of months ago, a single one of Napoleon's hes was sold at auction for one hundred and thirty pounds, and I think we've said before in this podcast that after he died, Napoleon's penis was removed and mummified and as part of through several hands that has been auctioned several times, but I have a theory that someone out there is reassembling Napoleon yeah. I think the whole thing is a small victory for Napoleon against Wellington, because the later on that has already depreciated in value cause in the nineties, a lock of Napoleon's hat sold for

three thousand six hundred and eighty pounds at auction and I think in the same year Wellington said I only got five hundred and ninety eight, so that was quite a nice. It's like balances on the record between those guys and a penguin named Napoleon Bonaparte has fallen in love with a Wellington boots. Yeah. Can you imagine if we don't know re, We. What reincarnation is by everything is conscious and that's, where actual just having a sorry about that past life, I have your well. They never met today that they never met, but once the English defeated, the French Wellington had an idea they presented. The british government was discussed that, rather than sent him into exile, they build him a house really Nay Wellington House somewhere on the british coastline and they live

marriage other and they just hang out an exchange like strategic wastes and cunning. What a great idea cables that plan can that zones vantyle. We ve said on that show that the wording that was obsessed with Napoleon he bought all Napoleon stuff after Waterloo behind Napoleon's Ex cook. The mysterious everlasting. Mr Wong yeah. I'm going to to move us on in a second anything else. I got one last thing: this is it's not particularly interests, or anything, but it still holds Zelda, but sometimes you read a sentence. You think that's the best sentence. I've read today, so it's just this style in Lebanon, and would be furious if you served him a sub standard banana guy, it's time for fact, number three, and that is my fact. My fact this week is that I am db, was originally just a list of actresses with beautiful,

Is it just started as a as this little list that the guy created and he, just though I need to put together a list of all the actresses? I think people need to know how beautiful eyes, and then people started going too Adding other lists and- and I M Bebe grew out of it and they would put. It was called those eyes to begin with that sea regional name in the western Balkans, colony man brought together two things to turn them into. I m d B and people often say I'm debate grow out of this list of and with these people is and why board together was one of those things was the list of actresses repeatable eyes and then the other thing he brought in just a little add on was a list that someone else who created, which was a movie ratings report by participants, will asteroid

movies on a one to ten scale, but it was mainly based. I am deeply on. The address is a beautiful eyes. I mean it sounds like the absence of eatable eyes was kind of a random irrelevant, less that just now that he's or put them altogether. He recalls the details of every phone that he sees and he has done since it was thirteen years old, coal Needham, and he has seen this was eighteen months ago. We see more sense than but of the letter that count. It was eight thousand five. hundred and five as one film for every forty eight hours since he was born wow. His favorite film is Vertigo and always tops the charts. Yes, because I he's working, it isn't a good film, but I read an article that said that he and his he was a quote by him. He said that he and his wife love going to the cinema and they watch a film together. Every Tuesday lunchtime,

what it sounds like. Is they do do that, but the rest of the time? It's just him watching loads of other movies. So it's more like my wife, has begrudgingly agreed to come to the cinema with me once a week. Otherwise we would never see each other yeah when he was a boy he rented out the film alien and he watched it every single day for a fortnight wow, that's a waste of his time. He needs to be getting through these films, but he said that recently there are so many more good films being made these days. There was just that at the time that was one of the best films ever made, and it was so huge it is. It is a fantastic place. I do. I actually do a fair bit of u I researched by looking at the I am db. Did you know section? I love reading the user reviews, because the honesty of it is just here's. My baby, I haven't even read further than the title of this review, but it was for the movie, Batman and Robin, and the headline was I lost faith in humanity, yeah the Joker

do you know what is the bottom ranked movie on all of I am db. No, it's called Jurassic shark is from two thousand and twelve. It's got a rating of one point: five percent and Here's what it is it's when an oil company on unleashes a prehistoric, historic from its icy prison that Eurostat Colombia, Maroons, a group of thieves and a beautiful young female college students on an piece of land? How did they I used to screw that up, though cause that sounds like such a winning I'll give you some others in the bottom, like twenty or something the hottie and the nottie from two thousand and one Paris Hilton movie. Oh, is it apparently apparently, I think we found out why it's not at the absolute

the other one film on I M d B, which isn't marked out of ten, which is spinal top and the iron db page models that is raising is marked out of eleven. So again of eleven which and then which actually really affects how good a movie it is in the overall racing years it was summer we didn't. I worry, that people have a notice now giving an eighth thinking that's out of ten enough. Eighty percent, but it's not it's late. Experts sent that another patronising about working out here it myself? I know it's a lower percent yeah. It should be higher than eight out of eleven. I read a cracked dot com article about the most depressing. I am the

the pages of their top one was someone called Leslie Bremer, as she's only had nine roles in her whole career. They include girl in bikini, shower, go party girl and girl, leaving room. She's only had one named parts in her entire career, and it was she played Sunday in a movie called school spirit and put on Mtb. It says in several scenes actress Leslie can be seen wearing a necklace with the letter. L on it, despite the fact that her character's name is SAM. yeah I'm going to have to move us on in a SEC we're going to power through to the last one. Anyone got anything else I looked up. I am DBS. Current poll of actresses have beautiful eyes, it's just a list, it's really weird. So there are lots of people who have submitted their own list, but like their curator ones, but this one's a poll which takes others' uses into account so the top twenty is all people like Cameron,

ass, rich or vice Natalie Portman? Other people like that and enjoying playwright is in there. I don't you know who that is, but I mean she's, eighty five years old, she is a kind of famous stage actress she's, often in things like inspector most playing a servant, woman, and what they have very nice looks really hard and, to be honest, I found it hard to see what they are talking about. everyone's got nice eyes, I mean they're. Just eyes: are nice? Aren't they If not you don't even know. If you know you can say, someone's got nice not very nice hair, but your eyes are just nice to look at everyone likes looking at an I, I've seen you about. I have you wasn't really bad sum of a couple of things about eyes of your them yeah. I think the born the lovely favourable to the first person under have had blue eyes was. We know who

was so it was seven thousand years ago it was a cave man living in Spain, because it's a mutation, so everyone he's got blue eyes- can trace the ancestry back to that particular in order to everyone. I just went to that case. When you have beautiful yeah and then everyone, ok, it's time, for our final factor the Show- and that is Joseph Ski? Yes, my fact is that the word fascinates literally means the embodiment of the divine phallus. Certainly the sense in which I use it.

So this is the essential area fascinated comes, and the last word fastening, which was either fastening. The phallic got which we who in a very little about or it wasn't fastened and was a fanatic objects, the UK around for good luck, which they did a lot of the time it s like to ward off the evil. I also exotic these are the verb Vasco Norway and Lawson was to use the power of the fellows to either ward off the evil. I oughta hypnotized somewhere an evil manner. So if you have your fascinating somebody, you all using the power of the fellows to cast a spell on them, says well doing that ceremony. So I spent most of I googling penises are fascinating a lot out there, all penises are and we're back in

may last year, James and I were in the office to together what kind of ran out a conversation- and this is kind of this- is really not the type plans for these people need to know. So we kind of just ran out a conversation and James just in a way to sort of despotic of conversation. Just looked up to me and said: hey, you know that over six hundred guys in the world with two dicks If that was, I argued we're backing, we have a moral compensation going and I googled. Then there are the other six hundred men. in the world who have two penises and on Reddit. There's a website read it. They have that thing, a m a and a and a ask me anything. One of the most successful things I ever had was someone coming on saying I have two penises ask me anything of it is what bit worried an interview he was talking about. He says the most upsetting, at the moment for him, was a girl he dated seriously. He got he got. He was over one night stand

and and they dated for three months, they were just kissing and cuddling. She finally was ready. I'd put it off for now a month after that, but when it came down to it, I told her that I was built different from other guys, so so slightly built different. She said she didn't care. I revealed them to her She said she definitely only she had known that cashed There was a guy that used to freak shows in the nineteenth century, and there was one guy called, I think he's called like dos Santos or something like that, and he was known as the man with two swords and he used to show himself off as a man with two penises and he married a woman called Blanche. Do mile something like that, but I got two scabbards or something I know she, but she did have two vaginas. What

however, everybody, ok, this was this was a price, but at the moment Sorry, sorry, back Roman, at least RO. I think they were more eyebrow, then so they use to at the age of nine days. Roman boys be given an ambulance with a found us inside. It was too to ward off the evil eye. That was the point of it and they have to go on wearing this army that with a thousand site it until they came of age. they weren't really they weren't as obscene as they are now. They were seen as being obscene because of this whole good luck, thing yeah and also getting rid of this evil eye. It was really thought to be a really serious thing. Does a roman mosaic of a phallus ejaculating into a disembodied Wikipedia you described as a relief Have you seen the relief

I believe it is pretty, and so with the follows: has its own penis she's doing the adjoining say it's a lovely stone carved relief as James says, and I think is in Turkey and its a fellow with back legs and then there's a smaller penis coming down from it and that its shoot a gigantic into an eye with a scorpion on top of it amazing, five hundred penis, with a little penis. Rome. Roman prostitutes sold things gold cauliflower, which were little bread rolls shaped like penises. Today Goodnight Greg's? To you?

and so I would like to know why you keep getting ejected from the Craig's James yeah. So there's a theory. The reason we don't know very much about fast Guinness is that Christians tried to eradicate from our collective memory. All the wisdom of the Romans were interested in like this, because they thought it was a very big prudish, there's another God cooled has very good name called. Tunis to Tunis and sorry I was does the best I've ever to had Murphy Tutsi. Nobody ever called him and- and he was the God of fertility, and so there was a tradition in which there would be sculptures of maintenance to Tunis

and he had a large phallus, because that was what you have presented and it has been written that roman brides to prepare themselves for marriage would have to straddle the fellows of maintenance to prepare themselves for the up intercourse. He wasn't Diller Moody Tuesday, if that's not in the goodie bags, next year's Austrian, as I can turned down your award, this person is called a and another word that comes from this guy, whose name means penis, is fascist. Because, originally it came from fast Peace is silly Ani Day Laboratory and the word Fasquelle came from meaning a group

the original. He was like a bundle, but it also can have the same kind of politicians is something large and whenever that was where they were found once cave, ask as roads of office, literally the roman officials carried to show their authority so basically all fashion If I rest didn't really get into that way? I gotta be making a lot of spaghetti this evening. I I read, I discovered a new martial art discipline today. It's it's called ninety. Nine power Chee gong. So it's part of Chea gong. It's one of the rarer practised bits of Chea gone and martial arts. Its other name is. Encroach men of a certain age, suddenly need to start attaching lots of really heavy things to their dick and allow it to just get some exercise.

I think that's the kind of thing there's a guy called master to he don't use around the world teaching people how to do this he's described on this website as a graceful man moves like a swimming dragon with sudden bursts of thunderous gestures, but bodies, mainly known for, is that he can tow trucks with his in this area, with a toe rope. Why? Because only mentioned in case anyone looking for an interesting Christmas gift to give to amount, because you can buy iron crotch, the dvd, which is like those exercise, dvds that you get and it comes a rope and a hawk I'd you'll be able to find that no such thing as a fish dot com. This Christmas, along with your maternal to Tunis and a freak Abiola direction. Ok, that's it that's all of our backs! Thank you so much for listening. If you would like to go in contact with any of us about the things we ve said over the course of this progress, we can be found on Twitter, I'm on

Schreiber land, Andy Andrew Hunter, James Egg shapes chosen, gave you can end up on cost. You I'd outcome or you can go to no such thing as a fish dot com. We have in our previous episodes up there we're also doing a tour around the UK. So if you want to go to the website, you can see all those tour dates there. We will be back again next week with another episode. Thank you. So much for being here guys, thanks for listening at home, see you again next week at five, the.