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Years ago, when Oprah did her lost episode of the upper Winfrey show, she said I've taught in ITALY. Three thousand people on the show and pooled thirty thousand had one thing in common: they all wanted validation. Every single person you will ever meet shares that common desire. To know. Do you see me, do you hear me does what I say mean anything to you in this work with so much going on with information coming from so many social media news channels, with changing so quickly with so many response Billy each of us have. These are often the questions on tape in the back of our minds. If we were able

turned down the volume on everything else around us. Most of us would hear our voices on repeat asking these questions of the world of our parents of our partner, our friends or our employees or peers do see me, do you hear me, do I mean something to you? We crave validation, that's a given today we're talking about why we crave it and how to resolve that craving so that we do seen. We do feel heard, and we know that who we are and what we are doing. This life has meaning and worth when we look Le Dacians we're looking for recognition and reassurance that we matter and that we belong one of the biggest myths out there is that seeking validation is a bad thing when we talk about validation. In this way, the validation seeking is negative were often focused on the extremes, the feeling of needing to be validated in F,

can you do of having an intense fear of doing or saying something that will be judged harshly or negatively by others? And that's true that kind of validation seeking is unhealthy because we're constantly changing ourselves in response to what we think others think one so that they do just more favourably. Yet validation does have an important role in our lives. When people say we shouldn't one, or any validation from others that simply not realistic, and it's not how we wired Aubrey a highly attuned to react to both harmony and disagreement ray. It has long shown that most humans values, social conformity, so much that there play change their own responses and even their perceptions to go with the group. Even when the group is wrong in my book things like a monk, I describe a classic study by Solomon Ash in which participants look a series of lines, a momentous indicate which

lines matched over and over again, participants change their correct responses to incorrect ones in order to match the incorrect answers of others. More recently saw and have tried to isolate what actually happens in our brains. We disagree with the group in another, daddy chinese researchers took a group of thirty men and women and had them play a game in each round. A person called the proposer had a certain amount of money and they would offer the spit it with a responder in a variety of different percentages. They offer displayed fifty fifty sixty forty and so while scientist monitor their brain activity via FM, the responders would accept or reject the office based on their perceived fan is. but there was a twist in some rounds. The respondent was also showed the responses of four peers. Not surprisingly, the response,

and often change their answers to match those of their peers, even when they thought that the offer was unfair. But this out brain scan showed that when participants disagreed with the group, their brain sent out distress signals they dinner. Let and this way just over a game played with strangers that had no real, sometimes in the real world dish. Just how deeply were wide to conform with others? Agreeing can cause stress so well, I heard that will conform with others varies based factors such as our age, gender culture level of self esteem in most, issues will likely to go with the group. We want in agreement with the people around us. This is a lot of what going on when we seek validation from others, we want them to confirm that we still part of the group again disk back to the ancient wiring in our brains when it was safer for us to be part of the groups than to be out in the wilderness, trying

survive on our own Savior hard on yourself for carrying what people think please don't. Instead, if we task that an you with understanding that this wanting to be accepted is a deep dr within each and every one of US can exercise compassion for ourselves and from that less critical space. We can gain some perspective on what validation, seeking activities are detrimental and which ones can actually help us. First, look at against us a big one in this day and age is social media. I'm not demonizing social media. I loved it changed my life, I'm extremely extremely grateful for it, but listen to this when you wonder and there were wide to seek validation and you that social media operates. Unlike some views, you can see whether two challenges come in and where we need to pay extra attend to engage with it in a healthy way, having too

Marissa writer Clarissa in conducted in with interviews with active social media uses aged twenty eight to seventy three and found that sixty percent said that social media has had a knife. The impact on their self esteem said he had a negative impact on their relationships, and I know some of you have shed similar experiences with me when so media has this impact on us when we get off a feed not feeling worse about ourselves or our lives. It's a strong indication. The where assigning Lee some of our need for validation to social media. The whig going with the intention usually a very unconscious intention to check engage how we should feel about ourselves about whether winning a life compared with what as chair in their posts or based on how others rate our lives to see why this is problematic. Let's look for moment, at validation in another context, when scientists,

what about validation, their referring to the quality of their work, their referring to whether the results of a study accurately represent reality. For example, one of the key since they ask when determining the validity of the design of a study is. Will these methods and this approach tell what I want to know if they don't it's not a valid approach. Let's It is through the lens of social media. Let's hear it the design of study and the questions I wanted to, and so my am of love and belonging is my life. Worthwhile does who I am matter, and then I said right. How am I going to answer these questions? I know I'll go and social media create a rating system of my life compared to other people's lives, shone on social media? How many friends or followers do they have verses us? How much time they spend together with other people? How lovely

and affirming is their partner compared with mine? How fitted they compared to me, how many exciting things too? They do and so on and I'll compile data and in the end, if their life, better than mine, I'll know that I do not matter and if my life looks equaling, quality or better in quality. Today, as I'll know that I do matter. If I came to you with that study design, what would you tell me you probably say Jay? I don't think that's a great idea, and if I ask you, why not what would you say? I know it's a bit silly but think about this for a minute, because, in effect this is what most of us are. Actually doing at least some the time we engage with social media. The reason that would be a scientifically valid way to measure. My own worth is because the information being provided on social media is skewed. We know this that we share is curated that we put things out, there's specifically to get a certain kind of attention, not that it's not at all real life, but it

NEA slice of life even when sentiments and content are authentic, their planned so for the most part, you only seeing a portion of someone's experience at a time, I want to share it with you: does it make to measure the quality or value of our lives and experiences against someone else's curated videos or images, and yet again, subconsciously. This is what we're doing when measuring. How do I fit in compared with others? Am I as success? for good. Looking do I have enough friends? Am I the right clothes and when we post we create, version of ourselves that we presented the world? Usually this is a false self. It has elements that are performative. because we think those things are while others will approve of or one for themselves

We want to show ourselves in the best light, swore were asking to be validated, isn't even us, it's a caricature we ve created and his what's happening internally, while that's happening extra Billy, we can become lost to our creation and it can be harder and harder to recognise who we actually are, as Clarissa Silver Rights, which, in effect actually creating a double consciousness, where we can even start to preferred to communicate with them. who digitally rather than in real life, because over you two means, like social me emails and text. It's easier to manipulate our presentation of ourselves for some that may be an effective formula for likes and shares, but it's not a formula for authenticity, self esteem or deep connection with others or with ourselves would become lost

without a sense of who we are and as a result, we crave more and more external validation. It's like an appetite that just can't be satisfied because we never received that deep nutrition. That's what we actually need to sustain ourselves. when we lose our sense of self. We constantly look to others to tell us who we are quality. Sleep is important, but so is get enough sleep, sleep duration, is how long you ve slab compared to your sleep goal, which should be between seventy nine hours, as recommended by sleep experts to improve you, sleep duration avoid large meals and heavy snacks before sleep and set equality. Sleep gall, that's healthy and realistic for your lifestyle. Another tipped improve your sleep creation is recording how long you ve slept the sleep number three, sixty small bad tracks, the total time you sleep and the percentage. Obviously, that is Restful sleepers! You routinely use their sleep number three sixty small bed features get almost one,

hours more proven, quality, sleepier, getting restful. Sleep means fewer, cravings, less burn out and being ass, grumpy, frazzled and forgetful, one of my goals this year is to be able to get at least seventy nine hours of sleep. Even my business days, that's where the sleep number three sixty smart bed comes in. I can see a grove of the quality and duration of sleep that I at every day, whether you like your bed, firm or fluffy. You can adjust out with your sleeve number. I keep mine around sixty five to seventy, and my sleep iq score is eighty four, why shoes proven quality sleep from sleep number, because every great day starts with the night before and now save up to six hundred dollars on select sleet number three sixty smart beds, plus special financing for a limited time. Only at sleep number stores or sleep number doc

forward, slash purpose. Subject: credit approval, minimum monthly payments required see sleep number dont come forward, slash purpose for details, this podcast sponsored by help online therapy relationships take work, especially the patience. You have you have with yourself with go out of our way to treat other people well, but how often do we give ourselves the same treatment this month, They help online derby ones to remind you that you to just as much as everyone else does, and that therapy is a great way to make sure you show up for yourself and I get it. Therapy can seem intimidating, no one likes to open up a bit, their personal problems, but remember no problem, is too big or two small and having a good therapists to help you. You through those moments, you feel so much better after letting go of that stress to someone who is eager to help help is online therapy that off his video phone,

and even live chat sessions with you a therapist, so you don't see anyone on camera. If you dont want to its much more afore both and invest in therapy and you can be matched with the terror based in under forty eight hours. Give it a try and see why over two million people have used better help online therapy. This part caused sponsored by better help, and on purpose, Rhodesia listeners get ten percent of their first month. I better help dont come forward, slash purpose, that's b e t, t e r, H, E Lp dont come forward, slash it's funny to think of legendary Marshall Artist and Philosopher Bruce Lee wanting to be any one but himself yet here The early in his Hollywood Korea, when he was born, The tv show the Green Hornet a one point. He looked around and saw a room filled with other people other human beings, but he was like a robot, he realized

had been trying to gain external validation by moving and speaking in the right way. Instead of doing things the way Bruce Lee would do them. is be yourself and express yourself. Lee advised do not go out and look for a successful personality and duplicate them. This brings us to the other extreme where we say I dont care. What anyone thinks, how many times have you heard? Someone say that, or maybe you ve told that yourself I wish I was just like someone, so they don't. what anyone thinks about them, and yet is that always good what people who are intensely rue du insensitive to the feelings of others. There is a certain amount of the and fitting in that helps us to create a kinder and more cohesive society, the the issue is that for most of us, if we say I don't care what anyone things it just isn't genuine, we are being truthful with ourselves. Our brains are really small. When we tell ourselves It doesn't matter what other people think I dont care our brains, no better

remember the chinese study. I mentioned our brains, Please send alert signals when we don't fit in that doesn't mean it. could bend over backwards to triumphant in certainly not, but to manage that kind of native psychiatry. We have to learn To engage with it thoughtfully one way we do that is through something courts violation now: that's not to be conferred with affirmations which are phrases we repeat to ourselves, to help us focus our thoughts and direct. I attitudes in this context. The key to effective self affirmation isn't simply thinking positive door it has to do with identifying with enlisting out aspects of ourselves and our connection. Our values that a firm who we are Studies show when we self of fun and have this more grounded and supported sense of who we are were actually more likely to have an accurate sense of ourselves and it's actually easier to learn and grow.

Check out this study published in the journal, psychological science researchers took a group of thirty eight undergrad and spit them into two groups. In one group, the self affirmation Group were asked to rank six, I use from most to least important. The values were aesthetic social, political, religious, economic and theoretical. Then they were asked to write for five minutes about why the value they put in the top position was the most important to them of the six. In the second group participants also rank the six values, but where then told to write about why they talk, value was actually not that important to them then he said is evaluated the participants self control. They were shown either the letter em The letter w and were told to press but when they saw an but not when they saw W the participants in the group who have found their top value, and wrote about. Why was more important than actually made fewer errors

those who under mind their top rated value and wrote. Why actually wasn't that important to them? When the scientist looked participants brain guns. They saw that those who had affirmed their top value showed bring signals that increase their attention. Era and emotion, making them better able to recognise and correct their mistakes, as engaged in the task. I love this study because it actually show the one. We are aware of and in alignment with our values, our brains actually perform better. and when we have a strong sense of self, when not totally Novo by shame. When we make a mistake, we can simply course correct valid, Asian, also link strongly to our relationships and some big thing most of us to a romantic partners, for we want a partner in part, because we one built information someone we can constantly turned to who can reassure Us- and we want our friends to affirm us to

but just like our brains know when we give ourselves empty affirmations We know in the words of our friends or loved ones, don't feel true, and if data off the validation, we can be left in an emotional tell spin, not knowing where to turn. and to ground ourselves. So how do we solve this house The our own need for self esteem information, but also he's validation as a positive relationship. Building to let's stop we have the most direct, immediate impact with ourselves. In think, like a monk, I write a lot about the importance of being connected to our values of being really clear about what motivates us, what we truly care and why, when we see controlling our lives, we often seek to control things that are out of our grasp What's going on in our world. How are they see us and so on? I run a key. What we truly can control. We often ignore things like our values. Our values

deeply personal. No one can take them from you and no one needs to affirm them. But if we haven't identified an affirmed, our own values there's no way to tell how we're doing and if we judging ourselves by externals, tests about our lives and how we gauge how we are doing our actually invalid, because other people can't set of values for us so he's an exercise to help. You focus on identify and aligning with your values and focusing on that affirmation right down sixty. and of your values things. I can't his family knowledge, wealth service and so on and rank them in order of importance to you once you ve got your list. Do we the participants in the study did and take five minutes and physically right out. Why that top value is the most important to you? What role? Does it plain your life when you ve done that another five minutes and writer how you honor that value in your daily life, for example, if your top,

Louis kindness. How do you act with kindness to others how about yourself? How do you demonstrate kindness in your day today that shows it? Your top value, be specific. Do you check him with colleagues or loved ones to see how they're doing do you hold the door for peace I'll help your children with their homework. Now for the last five minutes, MR anything, you do in your day today that works against this value to gossip, do you have told compliments or love from others again be specific? Now this is meant to make. You feel bad about yourself. It's meant to help you buy any times or areas where you tend to act. Out of alignment with this core value? We all do that. We We'll have miss alignments. It's about identity, in these areas. So we can make tweaks and corrections when we see that behaviour come up. This exercise helps us see and correct our missteps so a constantly growing in improving, while also

loving ourselves along the way, unfortunately, were often taught that its I do not insisting to love, invalidate ourselves your when something unsettling happens. We need to be We too have a sense of our own value and worth we need to have that healthy, eager to affirm ourselves, that doesn't mean telling ourselves we do everything right and were perfect, but instead to affirm ourselves as imperfect, but still would lots to offer models are typically expected to look the way the industry wants them to do what the industry wants them to and even tool, the way the industry wants him to, which is not much as a young model lacking a strong sense of self actually found herself dealing with constant pressure criticism by looking for her work in food, men and gossip, I just eighteen years old. She realized she was in a downward spiral of hating who she was ready to quit. Modeling altogether Ashley reached out to a man who encouraged to stick with it,

but also to reconnect with her spiritual roots when she started spending more time with people who had a strong value system actually realized that she'd fallen into a pattern of having people around her who didn't truly care who she was or what she wanted. She made about face and started folk. hang on defining our own values and on creating nurturing relationships with people who loved her. Today, Ashley. Graham, is one of the most influential voices and figures in modelling and has helped shift the industry towards creating better, more fashionable options for people of all. body types, she's, also really good friend, and even more wonderful in person. He isn't exercise you can do to help validate yourself when you see that you don't exactly fit in somewhere. When you see that, maybe you don't have the degree of education, the others in your field have, when you see that you don't look like in your area when you see that you don't have the same personality or disposition or financial situation. Ask yourself this question

the unique or unusual things I bring to this space, because I promise you that you do. I promise you that for any way you are, unlike others, in your space in your field, in your job or what you have. I promise you that there are powerful positive ways: those dick CS can work to your benefit. I a friend you got into a relationship with a guy and when it started out, she was really nervous because everyone had dated before was supermodel gorgeous. In her estimation, therewith in unglamorous and that wasn't how she saw herself. So she figured he lose interest, but then asked us off a similar question and rode down all the wonderful qualities that made her appealing. of humor her kindness, her compassion, her intelligence and her own attractiveness she saw it wasn't a mainstream look but was kind of the girl next or look. None of this has to do with her boyfriend. It had to do with us,

whether or not their relationship lasted. She affirmed these. About herself and that exercise helped her from being insecure and jealous, which were not behaviour and attitudes. She wanted to do She didn't want to become some one else because of perception of what her boyfriend was attracted to in the past and, incidentally, as it happens many years later, they still together so make question into meditation for yourself, if this is an area struggle with comparing yourself others in this way and what you think you don't have spend at least thirty minutes in solitude being present with that question, What are the unique things I bring to this space? I wanted share with you another activity. In fact, I'm going to invite you to go ahead

take an entire week and just focus fifteen minutes each morning or each lunch time or each evening on these exercises to help you solve, validate and calibrate yourself perception repeat any that feel like they could use more time and attention one you're going to make two columns in one of them list out all the things you're good at and in the other areas where you could improve. Maybe your present parent, maybe a greater meeting deadlines, but maybe you could be more present with your partner and be a better listener with friends. Again, none of this is judgment would just gaining perspective. Would just fostering that equality and a balance in how we see ourselves. Incidentally, this will also help us be less judgmental of others and help keep us from putting others on a pedestal, both of which can be easy to do when our own sense. Self is imbalances or our self esteem is low. Overly seeking validation can make us more vulnerable to the negative effects of stress when we have self esteem,

when we're in learning mode among we're in our growth mindset. We expect a certain him the struggle of failures- and we know it's all just part learning process it's an inescapable part of being human. When we in our growth mindset and when we accept that we need to engage in effort and learning to get to where we want to go, part of which is gauging how would doing This is where we can use seeking validation from others in a positive way. We can checking with others for help and support this. Only gives us valuable information. It can help us build stronger relationships. There's a beautiful quote by Saint Augustine. The truth is like a lion. You dont have to defend it, let it loose it will defend itself. This is true about your work is well, you don't have to defend it. You don't have to defend who you are world were not responsible for what they think of us and its exhausting to try and live in a way that gets likes from everyone instead, where,

sponsible for daring to our own values. to living in alignment without deep priorities, and we can use the input of others to hell was calibrate all words, thoughts and actions. but we don't rely on them for our sense of self. You are not responsible for others expectations. Those you can let go instead, live in your truth. Let it loose given the opportunity it will defend itself. Thank you. So much for listen to on purpose makes you. U tag me on Instagram Twitter, Facebook, whatever socially from you, you sharing what you learned and From this episode putting their own social media you're more likely to remember it. The next time you scrolling and worrying as well, making amazing day I'll see you on next episode, thanks for listening. Hey guys, this is Jay again just a few more quick things before you leave. I know we try to focus

the good every, and I want to make that easier for you. Would you like to get ashore email from me? week. That gives you an extra dose of positivity weekly with It is my newsletter where I got down. Whatever's, on my mind that I think may up lift your weak, basically little bits of goodness that to improve your well being the shortened ledges all about growth and sending positivity straight. You inbox read it with a cup of tea forward it to a friend and let these words bright in your day To sign up just go to jail, chatty dont me and drop your email in the pop up. If you have trouble finding it just goes to the very bottom of the page: see the sign up. Thank you so much and I hope you enjoy my weekly wisdom newsletter its part caused was produced by dust. Light productions are ignored, Producer from Dustlike is me, show you save us

you're producer is Juliana Bradley, our associate produce is Jacqueline, Castillo, Valentino Rivera is our engineer on music. Is one blue dot sessions and special? to Rachel Garcia, the dust development and operations coordinated at metro by T Mobile, we're giving you more right now. New and existing customers can get a free citizen. Galaxy tablet enjoy high speed data on your tablet, we're just fifteen bucks a month when you add when existing lie. That's are met Ro gives you more more streaming and more connecting to the ones you love with a free, since some galaxy tablets only at night with rebate after three months of service plus tax limit time offer installed, store, not available in Connecticut, Rhode, Island Miami gained ceased over details