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Chanel Miller: Know My Name

2019-10-02 | 🔗

Chanel Miller, formerly known to the world as “Emily Doe,” steps out of the shadows after she was sexually assaulted on the Stanford University campus in 2015. In her memoir, Know My Name, Chanel shares the personal impact of the aftermath of the assault and the trial that followed.

This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
I'm Oprah Winfrey welcome to supersede conversations the podcast. I believe that one the most valuable gives you can give yourself is time taking time to be more fully present you. a journey to become more inspired and connected to the deeper the round us starts right now. Her disturbing attack made international headlines, her polarizing case ignited a public outcry. Her defiant words shifted the conversation today. The woman once known as Emily Dough, has stepped out the shadows with her new book. No, my name, her name is Chanel Miller according to court, testimony in January of twenty fifteen, then need to Euro Chanel Miller, attended a party
turned to the house on the Stanford University Campus Chanel drink alcohol to the point of blocking out. She has no memory of any events past approximately twelve thirty, a m shortly after one a M police, arrested, nineteen year old Brok, Turner, Stanford student and collegiate swimmer, he was Eight are charged with sexually assaulted Chanel, whilst he lay unconscious with no memory of the attack. Chanel woke, next morning in the hospital confused scared, underwear was missing. She had to be in her hair and endured a rate kit exam that took hours to protect her identity, authorities gave her the name Emily dough. Fourteen months later, after a gruelling, media frenzy and trial brok. Turner was unanimously found guilty on three jobs
is of sexual assault. He served just three months in the county, jail. Marking a national debate on racial bias and class privilege feeling silenced and minimized by the court system and billing shamed by the press and public opinion. Chanel took a chance and released her twelve page victim impact statement to the website. Buzzfeed. Within four days, more than ten million people had read Chanel statement by sharing brutally honest and raw emotions. Chanel words sent shock waves through the country. Her statement is credited for, bringing a long overdue new perspective on rape, sexual assault and victims, rights. for more than four and a half think it's now four and a half years, the power because only no new as Emily dough. Yes,
and now in your book. No, my name, which I think is such a profound title and statement You are revealing in many ways who you really are yes. So, first of all, let me say welcome superstar Sunday for doing it here, and it has been just short time now, there's a sixty its pace up stories now you're sitting here with me, so two revealed yourself or your merging the two Emily dough with no, my name. Chanel Miller, I read that during this time you ve been feeling like you were living a double life and then either Your family and some members of the family still and friend, did not know You were Emily Joe, yes now, so what is it felt like to merge them? What today is the first day as my phone self,
It. Fails really amazing, like for so long I felt like I was living a shrunken version of myself, or maybe there's like a little too in person in my chest, operating this for limbed vessel that I called my body, but I felt extremely hollow and fragile and now it feels like I've? Finally, I grown into my limbs. I'm sitting here fully bills missing and I think it's what any victim wants is just to be fully back inside themselves It has been a long, arduous process, as you reveal, so are currently and know my name and in this book you write the fact we were able to remain anonymous. All these years has actually been a testament to the world's grace. I think it's incredible that you have been anonymous in a world that is fair.
when social media and everybody trying to out everybody or cancel somebody. You know how did that grace feel too? You will in the statement, came out as us. importers tweeting. If anyone has information on her Let me know- and they all said- leave her alone give her time to heal. They basically built this fortress and put me away inside it, and they said we want nothing from you during all those years of the for show I did about. I think we counted up to her. Thirteen seventeen show's over the years regarding sex, Libias whether it was a salt or rape or child molestation and as a survivor one of the reasons why I just kept doing it and kept talking about it is because I think it's scorn on our humanity The way we see women the way we abuse women in the way we abuse children and it still happening in
please and churches in schools in college campuses. So over the years it's been mind for people to actually be able to open their eyes actually and see the truth. and allow us to help free victims from there cause. The shame is a thing that chills us. You know better in that area. So you know. So what was your intention for writing this book, but a free that shame that was never hours to carry in the first place and is by the end, I'm gonna put this down now your turn to carry it line. Anyone! Yes in the a log of know, my name? You say you have no qualms being called a victim just that you're, not Brok, Turner's victim s, explain that why, because apostrophe s has-
of quality and I don't belong to him. Never had never well, and your case was one of the most famous actor started so should be the area where you can read com It's under the articles, yes, and they were saying awful thing. like he was only nineteen. She hooked up with a freshman. Doesn't it occurred. The predator board, suburban kids, can't keep it in their pants, lame, it's not like he drugged or if she had a boyfriend. Why wasn t there I mean you're reading these horrible online comments people, you don't even know and that's just piling on the shame. I digest steady it calcified its amended inside me a really long time, and I was also my most vulnerable time as extremely poor I was really hungry to hear any opinion on this case. talk to anyone that the time online, was all I had and show you
though there aren't gonna shit. I want to talk for a moment not the hour, but for a moment about that night. If it's ok with you, ok, I don't want to spend a lot of time on it because you ridden whole book. It takes us, throw it so the boy is called know my name. So if you want all the details in read the book, both you and brought our intoxicated, the knight of the assault, and you right I'll, go Hall Freed Brok, Turner of moral culpability that, because you don't remember, he was free to write the story. Yes tell us what you meant by that I felt I lost my power when they didn't have memories in court. The defence always reminded me Chanel, as no memory should now has no memory. Tell us what you do remember M were going in this part of my sister. I was dancing on the chair,
You're being really is silly dissociate younger sister. This is my younger sister. She was selling college, so is it was all good fair beginning of the evening. And you had been drinking yes and towards the end evening. You don't actually your memories ends where I was standing with my sister and a few other friends. There's some guys there and we were in a circle of light on the patio, but there are people all around, so I want to know How do you see alcohol as a factor that night I'd say that no matter, your blood, alcohol level? There is no point in which you say: ok, now you forfeit bodily autonomy. Now you ve had smashed drink any longer, so do whatever they want to you. That limit does not exist if you drink too much you,
I've? Never really really bad. Hang over! That's on you, where I am happy to accept that. But at no point is it ok for someone to stick their body parts into because you ve had to to change that will never be ok, and so, when you wake up the next day, you were saying that you found out what happened. You wake up the next day in the hall. but all and there's a detective in the room? What did you think then I mean I think it's so wonderfully written that I actually I felt like I was in the hospital room with you yeah. I had dried blood, on the backs of my hands. I was in Gurney and there's the a dean of students and a police, faster and they were very grave and somber myself these men are really serious. I felt really disoriented back last memory. Was this
sister. I didn't know anyone at the party. I have been talking to anyone so when they said you'd been sexually assaulted, outside let's turn it down and let me get out of here now then you immediately went into. I must protect my sister, because when you sister comes at the hospital they get you first of all, I thought You allowed us into the private spaces. such a profound way, that We were on that table with you and it is, I guess, for only people. Have had to go through it themselves who been sexually assaulted but the women were unusually kind. It seemed yes, they were in their kindness allowed me to relax- and I I knew there was apology in what they
doing in the gentleness with which they touched me. I'm sorry this is happening. They didn't have to say it, but they cared for me deeply, and I also felt extremely safe and those few hours, even though, is extremely invasive and painful. I felt like if anyone at that time were to come after me, they will just put up, fight for me right then, in if you can create that space for us survivor immediately after happy you or safer that moment that time period is so critical. She needs to be able to but that it also know that she deserves right, then to be protected. For someone to sit with don't say I am not going to let anything happen to you now in your safe you after after an you felt TAT S out that on the evening of January eighteen, twenty fifteen then
me too. Euro Chanel Miller was sexually assaulted. Added fraternity party on the campus Stanford University Brok, Turner member of the Stanford Swim team was arrested and charge. But the crime but she never had no memory of the attack to witness His came forward to corroborate her accusation, call Frederick, aren't and Peter Johns Graduate students from Sweden were riding their bicycles pass the fraternity house at night. They saw Turner on top of it unconscious Chanel holding her behind dumpster, They move closer to investigate Brok, Turner stood up and tried to run. He was quickly tackled by Peter
hell down until authorities arrived when you leave the hospital chanel. You still don't know what happened you found out. What happened to you online. Tell us about that moment describing know my name here and they ve been told that a guy had been acting kinky around we just around and I thought there must have been an odd guy. It's a party had been setting off red flags. I knew that he had been chased and tackled. I had no idea. There is any direct relation to me that he had made any contact with my body. I didn't know, exactly how I had been found, so I went on. I tried to carry on with my life go about my day. and I was at work and I opened up the news and read about the way I was found How one
as out and I'm half naked, and I understood why my hair that morning had been full of I know that I had had to break out, slowly- and I immediately said that's not me, I refuse to accept that real yeah that had no connection to my current reality and if I had a choice I would have just said. I don't want it. No thank you but did you in that moment? In that particular story, read about the two sweet Yahoo apparently saved you dead? Yes, not only save me. They they check to see if I was breathing first. First, the priority is issue. Ok, then one of them went after him. Did a leg sweet took him down, and not only did they tackle him, they said what the F are you doing. You think this is ok and they sat on.
the two of them pinning down his limbs in the dirt and basically said we're not moving until we know she's, ok, we're not going anywhere until we see her being cared for, they showed you they saved me. Do you ever think about, out where you had to leave for years. You ve thought about everything: seventh think about because I certainly was king about it, as I was reading, know my name that what, if those guys I didn't come along. I will not be sitting beneath an oak tree with you. I have no idea how it would have pan out than knowing myself? and how independence and self sufficient. I had tried to be at that time. I would have gone home taken a shower and tried to forget it. Would have me from the inside out
until I was hollow and what I have tried to find help and I'm way, but I would never have had answers. Don't go anywhere or to come after this short break today, This episode is supported by american heritage. Chocolate have you ever been anything that required graded chocolate. It can be a little messy and time consuming american. Heritage. Chocolate, Mars, Wrigley Brand has the answer. Fine my graded baking. Chocolate easy to use and easy to melt. All you to do as measure and including your favorite recipes, Eric inherited chocolate, replace a semi sweet chocolate one to one in any recipe from we'd, savory dishes that work for breakfast lunch dinner and everything in between the basis. Chocolate off of historic recipes from the seventeen hundreds and included? spices that were popular at the time Cinnamon Orange Chile and more american heritage. Chocolate took these historic chocolate recipes and in turn,
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But waking up to an empty Mcdonald's bag. Yes, and crumbs on my chest, was different than waking up with dried blood and close missing in the obscurity of the blackout lived, a pivotal difference. Rape required inflicting harm on some body? The moment I was violently dragged into his story. My story stopped when I was finally out of his hands, or rather when his hands slipped out of me, I was really he's back into my life, but it was doing that brief passing over that period, where he took the reins, where I lost everything. That was a long period you were lost extremely long. It took me six. Stephen Towel one person it took me eight months to even go to therapy.
I appreciate that, in your impact statement, you wrote about taking your first shower the assault and anyone who has been assaulted knows what feeling of trying to come back into your body is light. I stood there exam my body beneath the stream of water and decided, I don't Oh, my body anymore, I was terrified of it. I didn't know what had been in it if it been contaminated. Who had touched it. I wanted to take off my body like a jacket and leave it at the hospital with everything else. I think This is one of the things that men can actually wrapped their brains around what it's like to live, inside a woman's body. How we're objectified invite awaited in so many ways. So have you made peace with your body? remember that moment and There is no water hot enough, for that
I meant the way you want to score it yourself into. You believe in yourself area and now a I have like I said sitting here. I can feel myself from my head tomato and I feel the sun. I my cheek and I feel comfortable is chairs. Aren't I feel my feet in the grass I feel like I'm here. Finally,
it took me a really long time to even want to feel like, I was inside myself fully integrated you ever think of like harming yourself not going on not living, didn't get that bad. I definitely you did having sometimes near really isolated. You think I'm gonna slip out the back door. Doyle's gonna, give spinning
I can't I can't be here, for you know, that's not the case, and I would always keep coming back to the site like this can't be here. This can be the ending her where the story ends, how impossible, because up until then, there are so many things I enjoy doing, Android, drawing and running and I knew that itself was there and I would look round and think what happened to that. She was always there. I just really couldn't figure out how to get back to her, and I always one I myself, even if you have no idea what you're Fisher looks like something is there and my mom always tells me: stay open, stay learning and never let yourself.
go, and so even when it is really difficult, and I wanted to block away feelings to protect myself as a stay open. When I was in the court, This is, I think, well at least learning how it is to be inside this window. courtroom which many victims don't even get to see. My duty to a year and airport honour and feel it. So I can come out the other side. So what kept you from slipping? at the back door, was it your mom? Was it your sister? Was it a faith I believe that it will always be this bad. What kept you holding on because, as we sit here speaking right now, somewhat is hearing us are watching us who is thinking of slipping out the back door
I came home from child one day. My sister hedges testified she sitting on the couch completely despondent and vacant. I've never seen I like with tears is leaking out of her eyes. figure out what was wrong and she, in her mind, was I too to believe that she had blown the whole Kay. that's something in there. Stu Mony, had mastered up for everyone. That's what the defence had made her believe he had picked her apart and left her sitting there crying out. How could I know what I saw that happening to her? I thought I understood what their due They're making you fix say on that self doubt and rowing and inside you until you can no longer function and was happening to her and I felt it happening to me as soon as I saw that
So this is where I draw the line. There are so many brilliant young women who have their whole future ahead of them, and then this comes and externally and makes you shrink and send you. The clan says you you will think about all the things you did wrong by you don't deserve to carry forward faster indecorous. I want you to share with our superficial audience. Was it a moment in time or a series of experiences that brought you to the place, because the thing that I have being over and over again and also experience for myself with my own sexual assault being raped, did nine and ten in forty that the shame, as I was saying earlier, is the thing that destroys us. How did you manage to get to the space where you felt
confident enough to evolve into you. Emerge to your own sense of defiance because I have to say, If this had been me and my generation, I would have done what you say You would have done. Had the Swedes not found you even if I've been found, I would have been. oh ashamed and carried the shame in such a way that I would have blamed myself. I would blame myself were being at the already, and why did I go in? Why did I dream ink, and why did I let this happen to me? I'm sure went through all of that, then you came out on the other side of it and said in it doesn't matter that I was there. I was drinking or that I was blacked out. Nobody has the right to treat me this way. How did you get to their
beginning, the shame was able to or first allow initially I didn't feel shame. It seemed very clear to me that if someone attack soon runs away. That's his problem and was learned, overtook him. Then you heard from the EU to remain in rapid. You then heard from the detective that one of the Swedes who found you was so upset, he's kind. He was crying so then you think low I've made grown men cry. So what what actually did happen? Yeah yeah, so you when ashamed at first rate, but shame needs a contained space in order to grow and since I wasn't telling anyone it was just fester inside me soon. As I release the statement, then it was able to breathe and as you open it and let it
a little at loses so much power. It can't hide wanted to no longer secret. Yes, the secret is what also breeds festers? Absolutely lousy began to form on its negative ideas of yourself, which are not which are not helped by reading comment on the other Could I also I mean people I thought of anyone we found out about this at the very beginning. They were just think it was disgusting rose, irresponsive, But when the statement came out, parents are sending me photos of their kids saying this is the face of the person who you're making the world better for, I hope my daughter grows up to be, like you, courageous, loving, a good backed opposite of what you read her yeah from some, comments earlier. Yes, yeah, when you embarked upon the court process,
Did you realize what it was going to be absolutely not I didn't even understand there was anything to be discussed. I didn't think The case would go anywhere, but a year and a half later your people, on his side, where submitting letters to the judge, testifying does character. What was the basic distinction between how he was represented in and you use a full person. He had scale sets his high school friends. Teacher testified at the trial has Ex girlfriend his high school swimming coat. She was so only by these characters in people, so interesting how even in the media, when it was first reported here, swimming scores
for at all of that was apart. Who he was versus the intoxicated woman right? I was just the object that it happened to. I was the thing that it was that was found as a result of his actions, but I was never given time to express myself is never it. I'm in court where they say. Let us hear what happened from your point of view. Even the statement you have to get the verdict, you have to have a guilty verdict in order to be able to make it make a statement You say that when society, questions of victims reluctant to report I'll, be here to remind you that you ask us to sacrifice our sanity to fight outdated structures, that were designed to keep us down. You know you press charges within twenty four hours of this. All yes, right and along the way you have many opportunities to actually walk away? You say I did not want this
by one of my whole life but lead. walk away. I could not let it happen. When do you have? sober unbiased witnesses. This never happens and when you think of the court passes and how many obstacles there are. I was assaulted on Stamford Campus, they don't do forensic exams at Stanford Hospital. I was taken forty minutes SAS dissent as a so, if you I saw did at Stanford. How do you get? There was transportation first in line to shower or change color hair. So what do you do? Call collar neuber have maneuvers area thank you to go. Get your rape get done. Do text
the only friend you know who has a car and disclosed that information? How do you even get there once you get there, you have to go through the exam. How do you get home once the rape is there? It takes so long for it to get process. There are so many factors along the way. People don't take the time to think through so and they say, oh, why didn't you report as they will? Why don't you sit me down and walk me sue? How she's gonna be able to get through this process, he's sitting with her ass. She goes there you, you know, you say I believe, were all multi dimensional beings in court had felt harmful, being flattened, characterize this labelled vilified So I will not do the same to them. I will use Brock's name, but the truth is he could be. or Brody Robinson. It doesn't matter. You know this passage we remind may of the millions of women who stories ever be heard s. Is that
you meant when you were writing this. Oh yeah, I mean and in the house, but I remember asking the detective your. How often do you get these cases? He said? Well, there's very few, that guy reported and even fewer than even make it to us. So you are in the smallest percentage, because you have the two witnesses and then I was already working with police, and then I was being cared for in evidence collected, I understood. I was in this teeny tiny sliver of percentage from the very beginning that somehow that was a privilege trial. You reach your lorries point, you say I realized was it was rock bottom. I was too. the bottom. What was rock bottom for you is being s rather bathroom in the little square Court house was to apply to a paper with my hair Rywhere my make up completely smudged off me. billing internally ravaged- and
feeling completely alone, and it was almost liberating because I thought why I can't get any worse than s? But when I look around I'm still here in our still decided to show up and after that little bathroom bacon, the or else I walked right back into the courtroom and thought well shoot, I'm doing it. You know, you're doing it I'm doing it, and so here still walkin you're, so lighting leaving The trial, you say brought Turner only apologized for being drunk. Has he ever apologize directly to you? He has said the words I'm sorry, but just because you use dictionary terminology doesn't mean there's heart behind it. It was so. It seems to me that you can go through this entire process,
and not once as he challenged to think about the other person's perspective is not forced to do any self examination. introspection, is allowed to remain in that protected space. Talk about the sentencing. He write about it on page two hundred and forty one, you say at the very start of the sentencing. The judge said that the question he had to ask himself was: is incarceration in state prison? The right answer for the poisoning of Chanel life I thought it had been strange. The way heat phrase did you say to him my lost job, my damaged hometown, my small savings account. My stolen pleasures had all amounted to ninety days in county jail. I won, in their eyes the victim remained stagnant, living for ever at twenty minutes time frame she remain frozen Brok were more and more multi faceted his stories,
holding a spectrum of life and memories. Where was her redemption story? Nobody talked about the thing she might go on to do. I laid my suffering bear but lack the key element that I had given Brok something that would never be extended to me. Empathy. My and was never more valuable than his potential. That is such a powerful statement. So the judge, you believe, extended empathy, to him and sentenced him to six months. What do you think should have been the fair sentence? I think it should have been proportional to the harm, I also know that their young men of color serving far longer sentences for non violent crimes. Wrapping assessment then marijuana yes, in their path, gay people imprisoned for years, people of color. yeah I'm sure you'll have did you have a number in. I ordered a sin.
and saying in mine. Did you leave one year, one years the Maxim Army for county jail and never even crossed my mind. Is that it would be less than less than that. We had spent eighteen months just getting to that point just for it to go this evening. So how did you feel when you walked out of that courtroom?. I had no plans. I felt a guy had failed, and I also like the first time I ever testified. I didn't let my parents in the room, I didn't let a single friend in as well determine, I'm going to protect all of them and do it by myself this alone and finally, by the Senate saying I in some friends and family This is our chance to show then- who I really am redeem myself.
As I have been as this is why you do things alone. This is why you should have never let anyone in you re the mistake. That was my regret. The courtroom, you make the point in no my name that you don't have to be a flawless human being. I know the perfect in order to deserve to live. Yes, yes, and the perfect written does not exist or are thinking all if I had to had been less strong or maybe if I was a virgin. Instead, it doesn't matter the perfect victim does not exist and we're trying to achieve some unachievable. Unattainable thing, that's what we ve done, which just goes to show that we have done all over the world for years. What was she, whereas was she drinking is what did she say? What did you do? I mean listen
my own father, when I went to him in my forties to finally have the conversation about a relative who had raped me at fourteen my father, my own father said: what did you do? What did you do and I said that I was fourteen and he was two. It wouldn't have made a difference if I was walking Buck make it in the house. I was fourteen. He was forty two he was the adult, so I think there needs to be a paradigm shift. This begins the shift. What do you think But when you say you change your behavior you're, basically saying you know you don't let yourself be the drunkest one. Let it happen to somebody else, you're saying: don't let it be. You just pass it on to someone else so we are never going to reduce the number of rapes feminine. All the ape say exactly the same way witnessed go through life, hoping I hope it's not me
I saw gonna happen. Everyone, I'm not interested anymore. Critiquing is little individual things are. These are not isolated incidents, we're not going They were as long as we do that. So I'm done with that. We're thinking. I will say this though I just recently, talk to Malcolm Gladwell. Who's win the book called talking to strangers. The Stanford rape case is a part of that story, and he talks about the role alcohol plays on so many college campuses and that most people think that alcohol makes you less inhibited. He say, studies now show that it actually makes you more myopic and dumber and that you have a person drinking or two
for drinking to the point of being blacked out highly intoxicated that it's a recipe for disaster and that on all of these campuses, when people talk about sexual assault and what they can do to curb sexual assault, alcohol net comes up that everybody thinks we should have more lectures, or we should have more. You know a seminars where people understand both sides, ginger feel and alcohol is not used as or at least considered as the vital role that it then that it plays I think that there should be more emphasis on drinking or not drinking, on campuses. Adding more issue on consent, specifically interest the basic needs that even if here in this grey area just saying consent is: is this person? Okay with was about to happen? If you're not sure,
we're not sure than the answer is always know. So. Do you see yourself now? As an advocate for victims? I would like you to read your a portion of the eight meant, because that statement went viral all around the world. You saw immediately after leaving the court room and hearing the judge give him the six month sentence So you're the lowest point in your life and then you walk out of the court room and that statement has exploded. Actually I'm sure it must have felt. egg and wonderful line from avatar. I see you right yeah, like being seen for the first time I felt like I was, I was going to be and I still is not like a light turn healed an instant. I understood there is a lot ahead. I was we need to understand and work through, but I
I knew that I would never be alone again. They made that extremely clear and is as I know that I feel like I can take on anything, can you read the statement? It's right there I can in I'm only two girls everywhere, I'm with you on nights. When you feel alone. I'm with you when people doubt you this mess- you I am with you, I fought every day for you so never stop fighting. I believe you. I hope that by speaking today, you absorbed a small amount of light, a small knowing that you can't be silenced a small satisfaction.
That's just was served a small assurance that we are getting somewhere in the big big. Knowing that you are important unquestionably you're untouchable, you are beautiful. You are to be valued, respected. Undeniably, every minute of every day you are powerful and nobody can take that away from you, two girls everywhere, you, you are beautiful writer things. So here you are beautiful writer. I loved the way you or appreciate the way you describe moment. You say the agony is incessant, unyielding, but when you get to the point where you feel like everything's gone, there's a little twist, a flame, a small ship in a subtle. It comes when you least expected wait for it This is the rule of the universe
Is the one thing in life? I know to be true, no matter how awful and long your journey? I can promise you that turn one day it will lift, I'm so glad you got lifted. Thank you. I think I having me thank you. Not only did you get lifted, but you use your lift to lift other people. Thank you. Thank you. I'm overwintering and you ve been distinct, supersede conversations podcast you can follow, super so on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook, if you haven't yet good apple broadcasts and subscribe rate and review of this point, join me next week for another supersonic conversation. Thank you for listening.
Transcript generated on 2020-10-05.