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Dr. Shefali Tsabary: Conscious Parenting Can Change the World

2018-05-09 | 🔗

Clinical psychologist, parenting expert, and “New York Times” bestselling author Dr. Shefali Tsabary shares her eye-opening ideas on raising happier, more conscious children. Dr. Shefali believes that traditional methods of parenting and disciplining are broken, and that if done consciously, the parenting journey "holds the potential to be a spiritually regenerative experience for both parent and child." Dr. Shefali also discusses her groundbreaking book “The Conscious Parent,” explaining how to take a hands-on, fully present approach to parenting that will help any child thrive.

This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
I'm over Winfrey welcome to supersede conversations the podcast. I believe that one of the most valuable gives you can give yourself is time taking time to be more fully present, your journey to become more inspired and connected to the deeper world around us start right now. It's not a surprise that I was so excited about doctors, follies, subsidiaries, work turns out. She was deeply into went by a cart, totally an award winning author and clinical psychologist shall Follies EAST needs. West approach is the perfect melding of her life experience, she was born in Mumbai in nineteen. Seventy two, where spirituality or consciousness, is just a way of life when she
twenty one. She came to the: U S where she pursued her dream of studying psychology eventually earning a Phd at Columbia University. Afterwards she opened a private practice in New York City, where she still resides today. She's been married to OZ, a pilot since two thousand, and they are conscious parents to eleven euro. Maya who shall folly says is her greatest teacher. Today. She folly works with families around the world, sharing her new way of thinking about this age old topic. She is the author of three books, including of course, the conscious parent, truly one of the most profound books on parenting I've ever read. I have not been this excited about a book since I think a new earth was the last time I was excited about what can happen transformed people's lives, I started reading the conscious parent, although I'm
not apparent. Before I finish the first chapter I was, going about she literally thinking about who do. I know what I know has a child who has a child and passed the book to all of them. Oh that they too could start to see what your truck to message to the world. So, first of all, congratulations I think this book is so important. Thank you. Thank you. It means a lot that we can now take this message forward. So what does it mean to be a conscious parent, a conscious parent is not one who seeks to fix her child or seek to produce or create the perfect child. This is not about perfection. The conscious bent understands that this journey has been undertaken. This child has been called forth, raise the parent itself to show the parent where the apparent yet has to grow? This is why we call our children into our lives while
on superstore Sunday. We use the word conscious and consciousness interchange, Play with spiritual and interchangeably, I think, Consciousness, awareness, spirituality or all the saying is that what you're talking about definitely as apparent, however, it became slightly different, because the parent child relationship, I think, is like none other it's none other, because but other relationship will bring you. The call of your ego, like the one you have with your child. I mean Children will trigger us like no one else, because they are ours, my child, I will be open I'm going to be the best mother. You know we end the journey thinking that our children will fulfil the I realize version of ourselves and every time, and they do that we applaud them, but every time they fall short of that that's when we get triggered and we get activated
but what our children are really doing is showing us a mirror to our undeveloped self. I love this quote just on page to we're, not even in the book, yet we're just on page too, when you parent its crucial? You realize you are raising a mini me, but a spirit throbbing with its own signature wow, that's a wow, our yes, let's aware because we do, we not only want them to represent ourselves. We want. We want them to represent them, stuff ourselves. We even say you're representing this family you are representing, but this Instead, we haven't even become so calling on our children to represent a piece of us that hasn't even developed yet, and place on them. The burden to fulfil our deepest longing and that longing really is our own longing to enter. Wholeness said that's what Children begin mirroring back to us.
Daddy become whole mommy, dad see me the way you were never seen, perhaps mommy dead, a tune to me. But how can we Do that when we ourselves want a tune to, but we reject onto we reject onto our children that which we hope for ourselves and which we want for ourselves. But isn't that supposed to be isn't that weeping trained in our culture and all the cultures, really that's what being? it is you want your people even I say this with such you know. Nobleness. I want my child to have a better life than I did yes, but we're coming. The state of scarcity and we don't realize it that this kid that this state of inadequacy and scarcity that we put on our children contours I mean to meeting our vision but divorce. Does them from who it is? They are meant to be. Yes, they. Never they never get to enter their own becoming well. I want in this book you say to throw a
I've preserver to parents who are just trying to survive and as a psychologist. You see, parent all the time who were really hanging by ass there now they don't even have the life preserver yeah yeah, it's one, the most challenging tasks we can ever take on because parenting is this complex, it's the coming together, of so many different worlds of so many duality. Is it's the nexus of the doing and being you gotta do you have to do you have to involve them in school. You should go by their I perceived to change their lab is used to feed them. You can take care of yes wake up at night, so the doing preoccupies you but and you realize that, in order to meet the Spirit of the infant in order to meet the raging too dreams of a toddler used to become into being right? the doing in the being a constantly colliding in this world in order to meet that spirit, robbing with its own signature. Yes, yes,
but you say page for its knows: I'm not gonna go through every page, but you say it's no surprise that we actually failed to tune into our children's essence, which is what we about unsupervised Sunday, all the time, but being present being present being fully in the present moment. Say it's no surprise that we fail to tune into our children's essence. How can we live to them. When so many of us barely into ourselves, That is really what this book, as is really what this book is, the fact that we have all begun living lives, betraying our inner self. We ve just divorced ourselves from this notion of wholeness. We believe. Incomplete, and it is this legacy that we keep passing on to our children. I'm going to read this next quote I could see what, when I read this, that's when I said ok, I gotta talk this woman and then let's get this book and then let's get twelve more someone that shared with everybody. I know traditionally you say on page six parenthood
has been exercised in a manner. That's hierarchical, the parent governed from the top down. After all, isn't this the child are lesser to be true form by us as the more knowledgeable party. Now I read that I thought well, I think that's what we all think pair Is there is a hierarchy, You know I remember hearing my father's. I brought you into this world and I'll take care of me. There is a hierarchy. Is there not? But this is where the The essence come so intermingled in this journey. Yes colloquially we are in charge of our children and we are control of them. We can hold that role to play. We had the duties to keep them safe to provide for our children, in terms of meeting the spiritual essence of our children. We have to drop the role. We have to drop the hierarchy, Well, you say: if you want to enter into a state of pure connection with your child, you can achieve
this by setting aside any sense of superiority by not hiding behind any going image. You will be able to engage or child as a rule person like yourself now I read that and even as I speak those words, I know that there are those of you who, like don't don't turn the challenge here like this, is the crazy thing I ever heard the sounds as Third to people who. Not only discipline their children and maybe some of them physically discipline, their children, but the fact that you are saying that we should not be raising our children from a hierarchy. Point of view will then, who in charge right so wet entering with this premise that we need to be in charge because if we aren't in charge than Archer would become Pharaoh and run it. I can burn the house and fire what kind of children you gotta have a job or wild and chaotic for sure. So that is the
old paradigm and as long as we still stuck in that old paradigm, that belief system the false belief that, unless tethered to authority, our children will not develop into the beings them and to be, then we will continue to see the dysfunction that we see in our world today. Ok, So do you think both parents are parenting, unconsciously, yeah, but I say this without judgment because I believe all of us are striving to reach a state of consciousness in the state of cars, This is not a destination that has an end point right. It's this constant on Gun covering unfolding- yes, yes with every conflict with your child, with every argument with we I role that you a child's engages in you have enough Trinity doing this. Into your ego, control and power dominance and hierarchy, or you have a chance to look within ask what in me,
being triggered. Why am I reacting with this confused helplessness, this desire to see control, and turn the mirror inward ask. What about me is my child triggering right now. What about me? What about my childhood? What about my? Mother itself is my child, reflecting bacco sets your children will do they bring up all he had our staff. Yes, Shall we all your intimate relationship, stupid and there's nothing more intimate than you release? your child Bangalore. Contrary walk away and divorce them to court to fast, so so in relationship. We are bound by sacred duty to look at issues an and and what better platform and to what greater service than to free, ouch from the burden of fixing us and you say that the child never needs fixing. What that just sounds like radical, crazy talk, It does because there are some children that we see that are you know they
here to be out of control there on me legible, their distress breakfast. They lost her way. So how can you say that the child never needs fixing? So let me qualify that because many people who first hear of this approach that they take it to mean some laissez faire, and she Granola let s try just go crazy approach. On the contrary, this approach is a hands on fully present approach, constant com student, but you're bringing your forlorn on a and present. So when I say you don't have to familiar, not turning out as apparent yet here so you're, not the dynamic with this desire to fix, control and produce, because all those manifestations of the ego you're entering to align to a tune to create. Can since we are children to thrive for sure. But now but with the model that I'm here to project insecurities my inadequacies and my desire for greatness onto the child. So,
the separation of the greek ideals to the essential ideals. You said you don't fix your trial, you create the conditions for them to rise, ass, well, ass, other so hard, That's hard, but when you come from your own connection to wholeness and when you come from your own striving for greater consciousness You will understand that striving in your child, so even a mistake, aura gross chaotic era that your child may make. You know. Maybe they do, God forbid smoke pot. You understand it for what it's telling you beneath the surface manifestation you see their call for help. See this striving for wholeness, because it's a mirror of your striving, you don't see it as evil. You don't see it anything that before as making you look bad raw material out occurred, look now look what you ve done: yeah yeah yeah, because we produce acting always how other people view us,
and how we want to be looked at in the eyes of others. So I don't want to leave those lives, though I wouldn't want to be free of that. Our children want to discover their essence without the burden of having to please us all. The time you say should put that much emphasis on great. Yes, because when we focus academics and learning and the wonder of curiosity and weak pilot all into a letter agreed, and we teach our children that that's what the striving needs to be for their great about that out, so we care about and we care about children being engaged learner, though we have a whole society. I mean the whole we care about. We care about our children. Did you learn that we have a whole society? I mean the whole school system, set up on. Who gets the gray absolutely and it's just a disservice had been doing to them.
We are disengaging them from the learning process they hate going to school. Sport has become this cut throat, competition and we are part of this and we need to take responsibility. Ourselves, because we always come out and say you know that the schools put pressure and then my kid will not feel good at school. The school does what the school needs it's our energy that we need to curtail and take care of, and do we buy into this? Do we buy into this cultural flow that says, we all need to achieve and be super successful in a prescribed way. Nor can we teach our children. You can be super successful if and only when you are tuned to your inner being an that message constantly. My daughter never saw report card till she was in fifth wait till she demanded to see what other children we're talking about, because it was not part of the equation, when I speak to her, they rarely pull out any tests because they know me by Now- and we just talk about her a spirit and how is she with friends and does she how
disengage- and she- and I are you- are you using those graders markers to see how she's doing enough? Certainly I you know, certainly as markets, but only as mark it it sometimes a marker for what you don't know. Sometimes it could just be a marker for what your teacher wanted to hear and you don't give her. So it could be a moment in time It could be a relapse of us. You know you since in that moment it could be bad test taking it could be a feed, oft is bringing all your energy to that too. That moment in time, it's a moment in time I was asked the question: did you do the best you out yeah, you do the battery. They did you try of ass here and my daughter autumn. He says. You know I tried my best so More can you ask, did they show up to the best of their consciousness? Did they show up I don't have a need, an answer to that for sure every child's shows up to the best of their consciousness. Yes,
So if you have a child who isn't showing up to the best of their consciousness, it isn't a lot apparent. I think, try to fix all the problems, all the disconnection all of the lack of engagement on their part in their children's part. With that great if I can just get the grand right. Yes, yes, we have driven our children into the state of madness into the state of disconnect beaten them down with this ideal of perfection that the only the agreed makes them valid as students, vat, is learners, Invalides human beings without the agreed. Invalid And then we wonder why children don't get up and bonds off to school, because we ve them hate the process of learning now and isn't the whole point of the parent child. Ernie to remain as connected as possible. Isn't the whole point of view,
We say that right, so you ask any parent. What is your goal for your child? Would what almost fancy? Oh, I just want them to be happy. I've heard that I've heard that is about as many times as you heard it. I just want much oughta, be happy you're right, but that's what does it mean? What does that mean if we ve a fixed our sense of happiness to wealth and status and achievement and you go to college and how you look the minute, one of those pillars, topple you're, not happy animal. Yes right! So that's what most people are most afraid of. Underneath the external. So what both parents really want. Is I want you to be happy honey as long as it it's with then the sanctioned, and so I use that that I heard yes, I bought into that. I've got all my soul to yeah and if you don't we are going to be in in deep waters because it is terrifying. We that's the message we give our children, it is terrifying to be without these JANET barometers of success, and so I have a dozen
therapy in their fortys and fifty's tariffs when their facing bankruptcy divorce or life throws a curve at them because they if they will be nothing and there's so afraid to confront that emptiness. But little realizing that just beneath emptiness is the vast expanse of desperate Let's talk about some of the most common unconscious mistakes apparent make. They pay more attention to electronic devices than theirs. Children. It so interesting. Just sitting with some friends before this conversation. And someone who has just read this book would just where it Blake this past weekend was talking about out taking on some of the ideas that you shared and having her daughter home from school design, I did not to engage on the phone that no only she was would be say this office calling
put her phone down for the entire drive home and her daughter said mom didn't you. She found the whole time here. Isn't that amazing such as Paul yet profound shift in her energy. Yes, changed the way her daughter met her and how what I felt valued by her. You know, how we communicate worthiness to our children only through our presence are full on engaged, attuned presence, it so hard to be of empty mind and just meet where our children are meet them exactly where they are yeah it entered that their space and so many parents. I can see what I can see. Why, because pair, exhausted its. Most exhausting job there? Yes, yes, yes, but it's not!
because we're physically exhausted and financially dream is because we have been conditioned to be so attached to it going agenda. So, even if we are like, oh I'm, so sorry, I see that your crying we're thinking why you cry you shouldn't be Let's stop crying, let's fix it. What can I do to fix it? We have this tape constantly in our. Worrying tape in our mind, that keeps us from entering the moment. So our children more than any show us that unless we enter. We will betray them and they will manifest that betrayal. They will manifest than betrayal there either you know slip away from themselves. They will engage in other things, to fill in avoid. They will show us that disconnect they will show us. Ok. Oh, how as Since you I'm thinking, parents are listening, think so you blaming us for the child's behaviour, so the child
away and they end up on drugs or they end up loose, themselves or whatever, and that is the parents fault, Is it always the parents vault? Well, it's no ones everyone is striving to its consciousness. So is that true, it was on drugs. So we do not rep. And the child has on drugs. We enter the, as is the child is now on drugs, but see it as a car striving to enter their deepest self and perhaps wake up To where we may have missed the signposts along the way we within us? Didn't connect to our chiles call for help to their plea for Help right. So one of the things you say to is that we expect Children to live out are our dreams and We listened to my friend Urania talking about my God, daughter Kiley, who has taking tennis lesson, since it was four and just this past we could mom was saying you're always late for ten is, let's get your activism and she
turned her momentary. I hate tennis, really hate Tennyson. She says You never said that before she, because I've been trying to tell you I hate and you know how they tell us, they tell us because they don't practice. They tell us because, not ready on time. They tell us because they forget there at home- and we just keep thinking- oh they forgot their racket. Oh, I just need to get on them harder to practice, but our children are screaming. No. I have a resistance to this thing that you are imposing on me. Can you please hear me step back and hey. You didn't listen to my whisper and I'm going to war, so they will rule you know unless they're inordinately compliant, which is also an element which is which is the death of the south of the authentic self. Ok, I'll ask a question that fills made. He was so. How is this working for you with your daughter, whether you know we always teaching speed,
about what we most need? Yes, so I have seen the rage of my ego and the force of my ego. Only since having my daughter and because she not only has rubber on her skin. You know some kids have tissue and their more gentle. She not only has rubbish is to be those that she has clearly stated since the age of two three that you will not mess with my spirit, He was simply not enter my territory and I will fight you if you do so has been the roar of her spirit, and so it's too Domenico, how does it show itself? Well, just a surrender to suffer higher. I I I, fully honour your knowing I get it. You know yourself more than me. All I have to do now is create the conditions for to continue being aligned to you, that's might, as that. Every parent job, yes, is to help them rise. Yes, so another unconscious mistake, parent make they make perch
It is rather than create experiences. Usa, because we have learned, we ve been condition to fill a void with things with all things beautiful, so we can feel whole incomplete and that's what we do. Automatically do without children, because we love sugar. We just sing they're gonna love children, we love gadgets, we're just gonna, think and peace they're gonna love it too. So we just project whatever The US is going to fill them, but that's not the case. Don't come into this world longing for things, so we kind of create this world where now they're greedy and now they won diamonds instead of sticks and stones, and we ve been. We don't they have children all the time who say I want this. Does my friends have it, I mean I I see Mr Data show with single moms living paycheck to pay check and one of the good the burdens they carry It does so sad to see that they like. I can give my kids what other kids have. I can't get it
easy for me to say what you kids really want. Is you can really want your time they may want this? Baker and they want the gadget whenever. But what they really want is- and you emphasise with your child- wanting what the going was says. We should have hold value, you know and have an empathize with them, but if you are unable to give that instead of entering up so guilt. If we could just enter state a forlorn presence and say I will compensate through my presence than that could the most valuable gift. You could give your child HIV. I realise it then, but you are building his inner in a sturdy foundation. You were saying also that they discourage their chilled. From listening to their inner voice. Well, oh my goodness, I don't know any Para well go ahead. We do this! All the time, don't be scared. Why are you crying? You know? That's nothing to biscuit you're, not fat, you're, not ugly,
A beautiful smile go and say hello, going kiss your on. She loves you. Don't you love me we're just now on staff. We don't have in wait for that in a voice to emerge. You know I have parents with children as young as three and four already handing them instruments, so I often ask them: did your child say she wanted to play the cello or the trombone? and the mother would say no, you know I decided that that would be a good fit so you know we're not waiting for this voice to emerge because we don't play stock on it in our lives. You know that voice was stolen from us, so we just don't place You re not doing anything wrong when I mean or ill intentioned, we just don't play stuck on this. Every problem that you see in the external,
indication of a betrayal of the south of the inner voice that was never attuned to so not to place all this burden on parents had to show them that they have the sacred responsibility, this great power and all So not to place all this burden on parents, but to show them that they have the sacred responsibility. This great power and all that needs to be done is a If the consciousness, all that needs to be done is putting everything on the side and entering into being I mean that's all it's the most profound and complex thing to do. I know I think that comes when you read this, and then you read this book. You said she I get that make so much sense, but it feels esoteric. It feels all right now? How do I actually put that into practice because be so
to do something we want to go biomedicine and by the book of strategies, yes fixed, because almost every children's book is about how to discipline your child. How to do this? It's about managing and gaming control. Yes, this is the only book is the only Look I read about parenting or encountered about parenting and all my ears are doing the opposite. Show that talked about being capital, be with your child entering that space of what we are for they resisted only because we're so habituated to fix and produce and create and doing When do and stay away from our centre in all this, feels like nothing. Mr parents, yes, and therefore they resist only because with so habituated to fix and produce and create and do do, and away from our centre
All this is is a call to enter our deepest south. That's all I'm saying you know, but people get threatened by it because they don't want to look within because it's too scarier territory to landscape. They ve never countered. But how do we then meet our children's inner landscape? If we don't know signposts a phone. I shall Forget doing show years ago I think we call it the black sheep of the family and the Ex first was saying that in a majority of the cases. It has been labelled. The black sheep were the troublemaker whatever the family is. The chief out who was the most sensitive in the family ass, an absorbed all the energy yes the shadow in the family, ass everybody else's stuff they absorb and then acted and acted out for the sake of the for the second wake up to waken me, the one who planks the bells and says hey, something is wrong.
I'm willing to be the card bearer. For that I love the black sheep. I love the define child. I love the opposition, try because they are not willing to bow down and let be walked on over there, not they're, not the they're, going to say to the world: hey until you fix what's wrong in our system in our environment? I will keep falling apart well, I will call you too, that you were saying also that a lot of parents would see their children be wrong or rather believe, is there something wrong with my child, like I got a bad when you don't like getting a car oh gee, I got a bad when I just got a bad one They would rather believe that than except that it is, our problem for themselves. Yes on, except in so far children's essence whatever. That is even if their difficult God forbid, or even if their challenging or what we like to call it. Bad, yes, every
deforestation of that is an indication of where we have to grow, but the tragedy Instead, we would rather say there was something wrong in our child. Then say: I'm just too scared to step out of my ego. We read so that than to leave our egos behind them drop. The ego why the things you say to is that we cannot expect our children to live enlightened spear life if we're not willing to go there ourselves. That's really the issue the children may grow up to be spiritual find their way, but in the moment with them. We cannot expect them to be something that we are not. To embody fully ourselves in his eye the Father come in one day and he said you know I wish. My son was greatest something so I said to her father and I take it. You are great at something. Are you great at something so the father said not yet,
I said why don't you work on that? You know your child has another forty years to catch up with you. Why don't you work on your greatness? So that's a classic case of projecting classic case. You say it's important to celebrate the ordinary none of our children. Let's talk about that. The ego says because the Eagle roars win with inadequacy and insecurity. The ego once everything around to be grand an idealized so Then, with our children Rita them to simply be ordinary beings, valuable human beings? That's what we are. We want them to be the greatest manifestations wrote of ourselves in doing that unless they are winning the trophies and standing. The pedestals of glory. We we'll just seem to be reduced, completely, not recognize them now, little realizing that its ordinary moments of when they get up in the morning and when we help them brush their teeth,
and when, when they ve been down to tie their laces and when they stand up straight and look at themselves in the mirror, all these moment to moment instances that call for connection, but we are not train now. We just glossed over the order. You go through life, he go to school, you drive and the school. You pick them up and you don't notice anything religious missing our children's innate. Innate wonder in their ordinary Venus, but when a trained to be a two into that. So we give way in for them to do a grand gesture then we see them and that's what every human being is, looking, when asked to be seen to be heard and together they matter. Yes, I always say that essential. Questions of life that we go out, seeking a whole life and my home.
And my worthy do I matter. I have clients in their fifties in the seventies, still asking for those questions to be answered. The still looking the still looking On page to fifty, you say the parenting journey holes the potential to be. A spiritually regenerative experience for both parents and child where every moment is a meeting of spirits. I mean I got chills when I read that imagine imagine if everybody in who can hear us right If you look at your chiles essence, their life as every month. As a meeting of spirits and both pair in child appreciate that each dances on a spiritual path that unique holding hands and yet alone. Yes, yes,.
Thank you for the conscious parent. Thank you. I'm really a new way to think about parenting. Thank you so much I am Ober Winfrey, You ve been listening to supersede conversations podcast, you can hello, supersonic on Instagram, twitter and Facebook. If you haven't yet go to apple podcast, unsubscribe rate and review, this podcast join me next week for another super, so conversation, thank you for listening.
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Transcript generated on 2020-02-01.