From October 13, 1998: Public speaker, philanthropist and #1 New York Times best-selling author Sarah Ban Breathnach discusses her book Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self. She explains what she calls the three secret wounds that lead to inauthenticity: self-loathing, betrayal and marital indifference. Sarah talks about how knowing yourself is the key to joy, explains why we should keep a “discovery journal” and shares a self-love exercise.
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Hey pack, ass listeners. Some of you may know that over began having conversations about the deeper meaning of life in the world around us. Even in the early days of the Opel show, when you look inward, then you can begin to create another kind of power, because we know you love a super soul style discussion aware we opened up the vault of the upper Winfrey shout to hand picked episodes that will enhance the super, so pack has library. Every experience in our lives is to teach us to learn to love. Please enjoy this past episode of the Oprah Winfrey show on superstar conversations. This show is gonna, be so interesting and I'm I'm hoping that it will open you all up in ways that you haven't. For example,
many days have you felt grateful for your nice, home and you're healthy children you're carrying husband, but you still feel like a piece of the puzzle is missing. You feel like there's a whole somewhere and you think to yourself is saw there is its because your heart fills a longing for something more. If you can relate that you're not alone, because we couldn't believe how women share this silent, struggling you. are we thinking you're the only one but listen dear Oprah, I'm happily married woman and a mother of two children. I've been blessed with my health and my financial stability, I'm looking for ways to satisfying unsettling feeling it's like a void in the centre of my soul. Why am I here my spirit? its Ptolemy. There is more to this life, something tugging inside think this telling me you have more to do
direction of my life, a sense of purpose, something that defines who I am I want something more. I just don't know how to get there. I have a good life, good family and good friends, but I still feel like something is missing. I have tried to find and fill the void with food money. Love sets possessions, self help groups and still he Feeling that there should be something more well, I know they're millions of people who feel that way: men and women. It's that undefinable, something that Saraband Brahmanic explores in her book called something more excavating. Your authentic. So sir, of course, is also the author of the best sellers, simple abundance, which inspired us all to start gratitude, journals and it began to chair,
the richness in everyday life, and now Sarah says with something more that joy is our birth right now, that's hard for you to take in that joy is your birth right, but the path to finding it is seldom air and never easy. Please welcome back Sarah. What you have been able to do for women in this country is just amazing. I'm so proud of you think I'm proud of you and this will something. More is exactly what we needed. Let's talk about. Why so many people feel this lack. This need for something more. Well, something more, isn't a million dollars. in the bank,
I think it is a home and architectural Digest name or a love affair with a movie star, and that is what we ve bought into in this society is gonna, be the something more of our life. So something more is that thing that that nags ETA, our soul, that that small dread in the middle of the night that undefinable thing that, especially when we're so grateful for the things that we have make us feel mildly guilty or downright shameful, and we don't even think we should pray about it, and that is what the miracle is, because this desire for something more is divine discontent fabulous. I love the way you Why was the hardest book you ve ever had to write, because I had to tell the truth which, if it were, my phone, might send strength of the book that is now out. As the fourth version two years, I threw out three versions almost three hundred pages, because I was trying to tell these stories
my mind, and I realized that the sole longs for communion and connection and I knew what I wanted to say. I did not think I had the courage to say it because I was talking about the three secret wounds. Are our souls and no one else has talked about that. I thought really I have two, but these have been things I had been wrestling with my whole life. As you say, you went into the cavity of your soul and wider at all on the pages here. That is the only way I could write it and the three secret wounds, self loathing, self, loathing, self loathing, betrayal, beach,
oil, in the sense of understanding. What betrayal is because we only betray our so can only betray ourselves and finally marital indifference. Nobody else has talked about that night. I wasn't quite sure that I had the courage to and then finally I thought this book is gonna kill me if I don't write it. So, let's just get to where you save die twice in Europe already died metaphorically. I know that, but yes and no Brian, the irish writer says death comes as much as surprise to us as birth does when I say that I died went through my help. And then when my marriage of two decades ended and each time. months later, when I regained consciousness, I was the different woman. I was a stronger woman, more passionate woman, a wiser woman, but I was so different from who I had been that it was as if my dear
nay had changed and when I say my dna, what I mean is my destiny. My nature and my aspirations was complete transformation. Women have lives, we've lived many lives and I'm not just talking about you- know past lives being the queen of Sheba and Cleopatra, but the way our lives have evolved and episodes. You know that childhood adolescence early job college marriage, then maybe single life as a single mother divorced widowed. I mean we have these progressions these lives and each life has its own sediment that covers over and what have at about thirteen. You started listening to the preferences of other people, your mother, your sister, your best friend, and you started to lose yourself. Their preferences that you wear blue. Instead of that, your preference that you loved
became wow Blue entered your your closet and you ve forgotten this. So what this excavation process is is going back like on and Geological dig and finding out the person you have been through that. you loved ones, the things you loved ones are, key to who you are now or carries a toy seven dear oh mom, relates to what you're saying she's one of those women who is looking for something more She agreed to go on what you define as an archaeological dig, so to speak, not to some lost city, but to find her lost self. I look in the mirror. And I say just a man I dont see carry the person every day. I think, Jesus for the life I have. I've got a great husband. Girls I into war, but sometimes I think you know what was I put on this earth do besides this, I think
through the things that my parents home this really gonna, be bring back a lot of good memories, remind me of, why was maybe why I was their way and just show me a little bit of how to get free spiriting with that in mind, carry headed to the home. She grew up in seven miles down the road, but a lifetime away. I always wanted to grow up in the b and loyal law enforcement, eventually as carry continue to sift through the layers of her childhood memories, bringing down box after box from the attic she came across a journal. She wrote while on a school trip to Germany, airily touched my heart land. We visited the concentration camp as a German. I truly I understand how people could do tat to other people. There is almost a smell there and I think there was
That's ok reminded me: it was hard for carry to continue after that, but she says she learned a lot from the east. Stay always wanted to be in law enforcement, and here I think that all ties in When she says she was reminded of her childhood dreams and hopes and connected back to the child, she used to be lying journey must go on and grow further and in their journey. I need to be spiritual, educational, physical, the whole gamut of getting back to myself carry What did I do for you? It was really good to go back and kind of figure out some of the pain it's inside and the last person in their try and figure out how to get their person back out into this world.
even when life seems right, you ve got all the things that society said should make you happy, but you're still not saraband chronic author of something more. It is fantastic. It is if you ever felt any of this. It is a fantastic book to help you. a more authentically yourself, which is the goal Billy of every human being on the planet? That Syria has so profoundly articulated, let's go to users, and did you follow the instructions, did I do. I see every journal, I was eight It gave me the opportunity to us who, through some memorable, exciting times that I had forgotten about and little triumph. I totally about whether it was little certificate from something in high school. It brought back those memories I am I'm I'm really a good person. I've got a lot there. I could do a lot
and it's something more than just being a mom, a daughter and aunt a wife and as something more guess. And what is this? The discontent, Sarah, that everybody's feeling you're not living authentically that you know inside in those quiet moments that you are. Magnificent, fabulous, wise, powerful woman and you're not owning who you are something more, is reclaiming your glorious power in death. don't go anywhere more to come after this short break. Today's episode is supported by american heritage. Chocolate. Have you ever baked anything that required graded chocolate. It can be a little messy and time consuming. Eric inherited chocolate, Mars, Wrigley Brand has the answer. Finally, graded baking: chocolate easy to use and easy to melt. All
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What have you only ever changed a line of one person or managed to change a single human destiny? Just one than yours is a life where lived because to extend the hand to those you dont know and help them along their journey with spontaneous acts of kindness unnoticed and perhaps even unremarked is the most remarkable thing you can do. Sometimes it takes courage, sometimes something more than all the good you can do in this life begins with the belief that you can be to change your sick. Don't ever stop believing see how we are making a difference at pen medicine. That is another reason why your life is worth pen. Medicine. Cathy tells us even with what things like the perfect life, good husband, great kids, in a job. She loves, you doesn't go, live
Has it all she began to pull away the layers of her life by starting? What Sarah calls- and this is how you do it? Ok, I know this may sound a little odd, but this is how you do it. Sarah causes a discovery journal, sometimes unjust, miserable, and I dont know why I don't know what's causing me to feel bad I jump out at the kids, I last shot at my husband yard him and I don't know why my whole in doing the journal. an excavating myself as serious, as is to be able to deal with everyday stuff spent to be of a very visual jerk. You can use whatever you want, no wrong way of doing it. So I brought up with magazines and old photo albums and old diary. I was surprised that continent, which is Europe attractive to they're after gathering your photos,
A little mementoes, I'm Sera, suggest getting envelopes and labeling with your relationship and mystery and other different areas it are in your life and putting them in the envelope that you think they belong. I love children. There a success in my life, so that I would put in the authentic success symbol of the Susa. My dream house I'm not sure if my husband appreciate the golden someday but will put it there anyway, I collected some information from my diary. I realize that it's got better. That's my mother, you know a lightbulb kind of went on that this is what to probe into my one neighbour. I envy her because she has our mother and they always do things together and on the other, the relationship sections where I chose to start lives on the picture of my parents and cut out the cloth to kind of framework.
Then the visuals help you remember unhappy, remember the relationships and help you pieced together. I knew the two empty chairs were my parents that fill they're gone. They have. That left behind a lot enemy I can hear am I to my kids. Turning the discovery journal is like a rose set, a stone and the Rosetta stone was one of the first stones to explain egyptian hieroglyphics what it is is it is a mysterious color. I urge that your soul is creating to give you a visual images to help you find yourself. Tell you find your way back to yourself. It sort of back to the future is what it is, because the visual speaks to us.
Profoundly. We don't need to interpret it right away, so you just get it. You put it down on paper and then you use it as a source of meditation. What you want to say, one thing I was challenge all earlier was that I was always amazed at my husband's memory. How I can remember things three employers. All I couldn't do that What is wrong with me that I can remember my childhood. I had a good childhood and no, I said, I'm a visual person and once you start pulling out the old diary, the pictures and stuff like that, the stories just started pouring out. You know course to tears too, but they just flow. The trip back to yourself, Nancy says when she started discovery journals. You became a child again, never realized how creative she was. I got into it to put this journal together. It was a ball I had more fun and in anybody that reads, the book has to do this. Otherwise than you don't continued the rest of it. As a Sarah said in her first book, simple abandons the Gratitude Journal, she was like
you're, not gonna. Do the gratitude Journal than don't read the rest of these ages right later, the same thing is true for discovery journal cause. It pulls together in ways that you really can. just kind of sit and think about it? What is it I really like Ghana thing Salute, lay at it's something I believe you can continue on with I'm never going to finish with my journal, because it's made me happy. I grew so much And found that I have worth, I have so much more given my life and so many doors to go through. Yet, as you go through the excavation process and you go through the different lives, going to start growing and changing, and this is really your souls. you're biography of who you ve been and who you are and who you become a what I do there are just mentioned it in the other book symbol abundance. It wasn't like a requirement, but I went back The old journals and I ran across a suicide letter. I had written to myself back and night, Eighty one, because
so in love with this guy that had written this note to gale to tell her to look after my plants, and this is where you find all my things under the bed, because there's no reason to go on without an yeah and had you totally forgotten, you'd written a letter. I haven't forgotten it, but I had forgotten that I was that deeply in trouble with myself and sat in the closet and and for the woman I used to be- and you know just rejoice- that I've come out of that state of thinking that my life could be live by some man. You know that my my validation, my sense of self worth, and I was pretty funny suicide letter to in the end. in look after my plan, I would hate for that: deepen balky added die, we're talking to saraband chronic author of something more. It's a guide to help. Women in particular find more fulfilment. It's a beautiful book that I know. That's gonna change. A lot of people's lives,
Thank you, sir, for writing. It and she says it there's one thing in a marriage that she considers insidious and abusive. She talks about this in this book alive view or in marriage is like this. You going to leave a lot when you read about yourself, cuz you're thinking, you're, the only one, Sarah calls it the silent scream of despair and what is that? What we tend to think that there are two different kinds of marriages: a good marriage and a bad marriage. But really there are three: a good marriage, a bad marriage and a ninja marriage, which is really the worse and indifferent marriage, is a marriage where you don't, really care anymore about what his day was, and he really care anymore about your day. Was you ve, grown apart and indifferent? Marriage is a marriage where you have stopped talking, you have stopped Erin, it becomes a long standing domestic arrangement and we don't talk about it because we can.
really bring ourselves to acknowledge in the deepest recesses of our heart that it's happening and we grow estranged and we Deb becoming the reflection of each other's resignation, and we begin to die You know. In the law there is a term called manslaughter which is used for that non premeditation of killing another human being. I think that marital indifference is solid. Slaughter of partners. The children on every level. Yes, Becky says she feels like she's just along for the ride in her husband's life, where you Becky. Yes, what do you mean by that? Well, first, about we have a great marriage and am very happy that we have moved around like those oil can get better jobs the end, and I would never hold him back from anything budgets feel that when is it my turn.
How well do twenty nine and about the time you say what does it matter exactly about the time actual, I feel bad. He has no idea, he didn't even read the letter anything he's one that encouraged me to send the letter. I didn't I kind of back to the idea that really want to, but we're just bought a restaurant. We have no time for each other. He has a job outside of the restaurant. He travels and we're at the point now we're we're trying to decide if we They have children. No really. What kind of question is that time for each other seas with question is the answer here, but yeah just asking the question is the United, as I just worry, though, that does a. Why would you want to bring children into it? When you re out and a clear, I think we feel that we're not right or something, because that your mom Oh, my god, especially we love kid than we want
can't, but we don't have the time for each other, like you said right now, and we are at least thinking this. This is so interesting. Isn't it zero? Because this is a classic case of you know? I know so many It will do this and I did it for so many years in my life. That's why I can relate to it is: U Absolute in living your life by other people's definition, saying. You haven't gone inside and ask yourself: what do you really want. and you can have what ever you want. I didn't write the book something more. Where did, but I know you can have whatever you want and the fact that you Your husband is Angela. Now she will have kids it's because it's that quote about a Joseph Campbell which were going to hear later on this show. Most people are so busy living the life they planned, that they don't get a chance to to live the life that you waiting for them, because it's all in your head and now you gotta, do this now to do that so and then I just don't want to feel that we're just
because everybody else is doing. Our friends are having children and it just doesn't. It doesn't feel right for us right now. What do you want to say, sir, about that if you feel like you're along for the ride, you feel guilty about saying it goes a moment. You said it than you apologize to you has made me. She's really has been so automatically. What you just said to me, and in and lots of other people who understand is that you are not. willing to go there all the way there. I just I feel selfish, because I dont want to hold him back. I don't want to hold us back what is so exciting about Sarah's book something Warner and we're not going to be able to even on the show, let you know how really excavating it can be. But joy is your birth right. I think if we could just get the people of the world and know that you're supposed to be joyous, you're not supposed to feel badly about that you're not supposed to feel selfish about being joyful, and there is a big difference between being
being joyful. What do you want to say about sir you at the book? What I want to say is that only you can make the choices that will make you happy, because only you know what you really mean. It sounds to me, like you, love your husband. You want to stay together, I'd say: go off together, look in each other's eyes and say we were happy once won't. We call those feelings up again, and so what makes you happy now and then I heard him say what may You happy now and then try to bring more of those things into your lives, not new restaurants, if that for awhile find your way back to each other. Now before you get on so many separate roads that will be difficult to find, Way back they have a saying in China that a woman
lived the life of a prisoner. She can live the life of a princess or she can be herself now. Sarah says it being true to yourself as the key to us. Its success, and that no one but ourselves can betray us and the discovery journal because a lot of people- I know if you can't even articulate the question you asked me why wisdom So how do I discover myself and how do I know what I'm doing, what I'm really supposed to be doing? That's what the discovery journal even though it may seem a little weird to you at first helps you to begin to do and she describes it in detail in something more barbarous says that a passage about divorce and inspires look spoke to her Barbara the page, the said I'm glad he left, I'm glad he left. I thank God that he left my life because that's what I decided it's time for me to become me. My creativity just started to bomb my happiness. This took all
The first year was very hard area, but now I know that I am a different person today than I was five years ago. I took the vacation by myself. I gotta movies by myself. I've learned to be with me. I learned to love me and our I'm not telling him once you will never upset my spirit again once you they then, and once you believe that no one can up such a spear there's another page that you say I am Pre magnificent. I know that I am. I know that God has given me the creativity to give it to the world, and I feel like that now but I had to go through that wilderness I had to go through the divorce. I had to go through the death of my parents to find it. Marcie says that she and her husband are growing. A part of my question is: how do you keep from your marriage becoming indifferent? We have I'm thirty. Four years old, we have three kids under the age.
Of two and just our day to day life. I feel like we're gonna end up down that road. Some neg and it sort of scary, saw one right now at this point in my life make a change because I feel it's happening, but I dont know really what to do, and I know he does this women. We love each other. We ve been together for eighteen years, but it sort of scary that you just get in this sort of right and you think I'm an end up that way. What you're missing is a soul centred released? gradually began. You know, at the end of the day, we ve taken care of these three kids. We ve gone through. all their emotional and physical needs. We just look at each otherness like telling about your data Morrow in order to hire a home, it's sort of scary, it s, scary and- and I think that. marital indifference. We either we dread it. We fear it or we're living through it and Why I really want it? I think it's too exciting, look. I know you ve been through it
how you ve been through it, and I thought is amazing that you would be so willing to talk about it, because this is the unspoken I often say, look at how high the divorce rate is almost sixty percent in this country. Now I think it is percent, and I often think about the ones who want to, but don't who live in indifference, because there trying to hold onto the America Ideal and they know that it's not working, and so their dying a living death in their marriages every day, which is worse than than just making. Vision and going one where the other yes band. I wanted to know what is meant by self betrayal. You speak about several times and particularly in the context of the indifferent marriage and those marriages that lead to divorce. They trial is when we know Something is wrong. We deny it on every level.
We betray ourselves in marriage when we start a conversation and don't finishing because we don't want to have an argument. We betray ourselves in little ways when we disown or devalue the things that we care about and want to speak to with our partner, and Don't betrayal doesn't happen overnight. You do not betray yourself overnight betray yourself over actions over a lifetime within a marriage. A compromise is not betrayal. Unless you have come, a miser everything you believe in Fort when two years, then it has become a betrayal. Ok, from rising on who is going to take the kids to the soccer game. This way, that's that's, not betrayal, but you know what is interesting. That's why this book is so important. And done and steps, because you gotta know who you are to know
You, the who of who you are has been betrayed. many people are listening to us right now have been in such I'll and have live their lives in their marriages in their relationships based on everything, everybody else wanted, and that thing that they can was missing that something more is nagging at them, but they can't call it because I don't even know who they are and what that is. That is betrayed. Talk about women seven lives, starting over there, only three wasted Sid trajectory of our lives for better or worse crisis, chance chance and choice and choice. Joy. Is a spiritual gift, one of the most magnificent spiritual gifts we have been given women don't like to think about because we're always afraid to make the wrong choice. You know the thought of, Are you going to wear to a cocktail party in Open, a boat and an emotional response and women that can land you behind bars or on the floor of one we're afraid we're going to make the wrong choices? So the choice is the centerpiece of creating your life,
One of the things I learned in creating beloved had a moment a regulatory moment in preparing for their character, because what I came to understand is all that we know about the period of reconstruction slavery that it really boil down to having no choice, having no choice and that's what real freedom its choice, and so I see this every day in our lives to that people don't understand that they do have a tune and that's what real freedom is. Alright surviving self loathing, is silent. Hemorrhaging of our sole that's right. And what it is. As you know, hemorrhaging within the body the life force, your sitting with an and you don't necessarily see it until it's too late and the life fourth leaps less. What happens with self loathing if had to give you a visual picture of self loathing. It would be that black
Lou ugly bruise on the top of your skin, because self thing is bleeding from within, and we don't self load ourselves because of our appearance. our age are wait. We hate ourselves self loathing is different from hate hated least is clean because there's a thin line between love and hate self load, is, where you despise yourself and you ve had intolerance and of pity. Has become, impotent faction of the Spirit Talking about you we're talking about you. It's been there all my life by several for it's like. I mean this pity pot and I'm the only one in there. It's a I invite my tell all the time. Can I just tell you something:
you are not the only one that party I was at their party for thirty five years. I want to get out I know how you can get out little tiny steps, little steps every day, you and the greatest miracle a woman can now is being self loading transform into self loving, and if I can do it, I promise you you can't do I want to give you an exercise. I want just do something at home every day, because I did this on the way to take self loathing to self loving. and when you look at yourself in the mirror naked every day, I want you to say less it am I to live in such a beautiful town Bless it am I to love in such a beautiful temple. Please believe me do that every day for a month
And then I'd like to know how you feel, I can't even look at myself in a mirror to begin with. I mean I do it in the mornings get a little just started Small merit start small, you are, Beautiful woman, I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. There is light coming from you, your skin is beautiful. Your eyes are sparkling smile. Your smile, yes, this is the thing dont know opera about ourselves. This is the heartbreak, I know I did not bring for years either, and I tell you want you know. Stedman help me through a lot of it and the other day I was walking out, and I had my hair all twisted up and I look like buckwheat going out and as one at the door, said the servant vogue bout ball because he's like ways these are both cover. Where's that woman, you nobody said to me. He said honey, you're more beautiful than that cover you more beautiful than that
and I've always known it and it's true I was two hundred thirty seven pounds wandering around and couldn't see for myself. He could see it took me a while to get there. That's why I noticed you took me a while to get there took her while two green thirty five years to get there I see the thing that we're all missing here is, and this is then be glorious when this happens to you just do it. Just Acerra has said what will start to happen. If you say to yourself enough times, you will be transformed by language, and you will begin to understand that you really are just a spirit inside the body and that the boy He is the housing place. It is the Temple who you are, is bigger than your body bigots new personality, then the things that you will do in your life and saying every day will help to connect. You, too, if you don't believe it, even if you don't believe it, I think the spirit that's inside is so deep inside mean it. Aches to come out
But when you try to get it out, I just I repressive and I dispute I can't I'm a little worried what you don't have to do that anymore. You don't have to do is that right, seven, just the gentlest away, just start that, once it happened make it say: why start with your neck? Ok, Nega, then make it takes a while, you know like it takes a while has the Meredith morning. Oh Lord naked doesn't take as long as you yeah. I think so. Simple in me. Mattel larger. The creative potential there is book is called something more. I can't say enough good things about and the something more is self worth when you have self worth when you have repose of the soul. Everything you have is enough
and you have joy and takes on a new meaning, so that something more and the book helps you yet that cause. You know how lotta people has been a lot of time on the show. Was I'm allergic? let us just love you, so this is how you begin to peel back the layers, including the discovery journal to physically, do that? How do you physically do that? What are they you need to be asking yourself: what do you need to be seeing in your life? How do you need to be responding in your life? That's what the book does that. So many others do not. Again, I thank you. Sweetie pie arriving in. Thank you re right.
Four Winfrey and you ve been listening to supersede conversations the pod cast. You can follow super soul on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook if you haven't yet go to apple pod, CAS unsubscribe rate and review. This part can join me next week for another supersede conversation. Thank you for listening.
Transcript generated on 2020-10-05.