Life is hard, but it gets a whole lot easier when you start to talk it out.
Psychotherapist and author of the book, “How Am I Doing? 40 Conversations to Have with Yourself,” Dr. Corey Yeager joins Dr. Phil on the Phil in the Blanks podcast to talk about how people can discover their purpose, honor their stories, and explore who they want to be.
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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Some families were born into something. these are made from the ones we meet along the way families are built on love and traditions, the memories we share and knowing that life is better because we're together, if your life, one hundred years Poor quality water, refreshing every moment together, visit pure life, water, dot, com and discover where to buy pure life. You better take care of yourself or you can't take care of anybody else wants my glasses, for everything that is left is for everyone else. They can have it all, but I should first fill my glass welcome back to fill in the blanks. I have a really special guest today that I think you're gonna learn a lot from and make part of your life going forward. I'm talking about recovery, agar is an
a psycho therapist, an author of a great book called how am I doing now, motel more about the book, and a little bit is forty conversations to have with yourself. I've read it cover to cover and I'm going to talk about not all forty of these conversations, because I want you to buy the book and read it, you don't even need to read it. You need to use it, but we're going to talk about that today. Doktor yeager is a licence. Marriage and family therapist he's been focusing his therapeutic practice primarily serving the african american community, but what has to say his wisdom cuts across all. You economic strategies, all races, scholars, creeds doesn't matter, is very welcome and got his phd from the university of minnesota, and His research emphasis centres on better understanding the plight of african american relationships, wow, catering service providers.
To utilise the family system context, while the irritating meaningful change personally and in their professional lives. I'm saying that because where we can talk about today can make a difference for you as a partner as apparent as professional in whatever you're doing as a school based health provider. doktor. Yeager really worked tirelessly as a therapist in hennepin county juvenile detention centre through the minneapolis public schools? He's really eclectic in the things that he does. His cornerstone mode of therapy is steeped in trauma based inform care and really takes. A narrative approach allows his client it's in the family from which they come too,
who remain the experts in their lives and when I say he allows that he actually requires it requires you to star in your own life, which is you know something that I have talked about a lot, which I guess is why his work really rare an unaided with me. He's really working with emerging of his two passions, which is athletics, he's got for boys and athletics has been currency in this family lives as it has been in my life and I was growing up and didn't have anything else, any sure dinner. Monetary currency does for sure he's a team therapist in life coach for the detroit pistol. Within the nba and support the entire organization from a systemic and contextual stance- and I really want to talk about that with regard to professional athletes, you ve seen him you may have heard of him-
with regard to the upper winfrey network, to be my u to Detroit really working with just getting people to live more fulfilling life and again the book is. How am I doing forty conversations to have with yourself so doctor Yeager? Thank you so much for taking the time to be here. I could talk more about you and what you do, but I think they want to hear from you, so I'm gonna shut and let you talk a little bit why it is absolutely a pleasure to get a chance to sit with your dac watched. Your work for many Here's a motto, a lot of my approach just tune in to see the way in which you go about that work and be of service, to families, as you said, port, primarily the african american community, but really family system is always exciting for me and it is spent
in which I find my energy in my passion. So I appreciate the opportunity today back. How did you get on this path? Doing the things that you do? What got you interested in helping people actualize themselves and be all of who they can be so my grandmother when I was a young kid at about age to think I was about ten years old. She put me to the second said son you. I have a gift and the reason I'm telling you that I see this gift in use because I have it and it's called discernment. I didn't really know what my grandmother was talking about, but I had watched her be a person that people came to continuously engaged with ask questions and she moved with such a wisdom doctor fail and that I was intrigued. I don't think I understood why I was intrigued, but I was
So I think I earlier on had a sense that engaging with others supporting others was and would be important to me, and then I found a way to couple that intrigue with academic pursuit. I play football it. each state out here and allay, but didn't give my degree while I was going to school. I thought I was gonna, be a pro orphans of lime and make mains dollars that did happen, and then I didn't have my degree so found way back into the academic endeavors? My wife pushed me kept saying to me honey. You have to get your degree, so the boys know that we both have our degree
I was working at ford motor company on the line, work and busted. My butt also started going back to school at night and fell in love relatively quickly with the psychological ram, and it was really interesting to me and as I pursued that and get that ba, I thought maybe I should do therapy. I didn't really know what it entailed, but it was the best choice in my life. My wife pushed me to do that. She's been a cornerstone to a lot of things that I pursued over the course of my life when you're working with pro athletes. Now with the detroit pistons in a row, the op ed piece not too long ago for sport echo it had to do with the nfl draft. I said the nfl fails. Just getting re too met a new class of millionaires and I want to talk about what they're not telling them
They're not telling them is that they are going to have on average. Just little over three years of a career and that eighty, percent of them two years after being out of the league, are going to be in financial distress and or bankrupt, but they dont tell him that. But yet that's what happens. I'm really interested in your taken, this, because europe both play division, one football and even that level we know how disciplined you have to be, how committed you have to be had dedicated. You have to be. Now take it to the next level, the professional level, which is what to three percent of those at play: college football, my good fellow
So we're talking about intelligent, dedicated disciplined young man, but yet, within five years there going to be in life and financial distress depressed, and out of control, has that happening? You know, I think there are so many factors stuck to fill that go in to what you just said: and one of the leading factors is all of a sudden I'll. Just briefly tell a quick story, I had a kid that was that got drafted and he had drafted me. We were sitting there talking after the draft and he said dak before the draft I looked at my bank account. I couldn't even take a twenty dollar bill out. I had twelve dollars in my bank account I get drafted. I sign
while million dollars in my bank account, but no one had discussed with him. What that movement look like and how that would play out and how you had to be financially astute and understand, in that all of these people will be coming to you and you can spend it frivolous frivolously and lose it or you can figure out a way. Wait, there's no one really dac having those deep conversations with the maybe it s surface level, at the rookie symposium, they may talk a little bit about it, but often these young men are coming from financial situations where it was a struggle, and then all of a sudden. I have all of this area. I dunno what to do with it, and everyone wants a piece of it. So I think that balancing act is extremely difficult
I and all the while that your balancing then trying to figure it out, you must perform. You said two to three years: four year careers, almost a long career and then a fellow ambi a these days. So no one is having these. These extremely important conversations and the kids look back after for five years and they ve lost at all. They will have nothing to show well. This episode is brought to you by progressive a leader in rv insurance you're off to see the country and progressive is here to help with basic liability rv protection for as little as one hundred and twenty five dollars per year. You and your crew can go from mount rushmore to the gulf of mexico, knowing your package, discounts and service for the trip come on. Let's go get a quote today at progressive dot com to see, if you can say progressive casualty, insurance, company and affiliates rate excludes travel trailers
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The twenty million dollar deal. He thought. Ok, great! I got I may in dollars that I can go and buy house in georgia. Farming dollars and get a house where mother in thy may I get a house in california and in bombay dollars. I can disrupt and play with, and he said about october. They came and said you gotta tin, and our tax bill here, and he was like what yeah sure a brilliant guy, I'm sure you probably know him and he's a smart guy, but he said I was so naive. I thought. Oh, my god, I'm broke, I'm not just broke up ten million dollars in debt.
Because nobody had set out and said. Ok, look limitless thing about this, you you got twenty may and our contract here and you ve got the money, but you don't have twenty. You have ten and you need to set this aside and had he not been smart and resilient and able to do different things to start making money and supplementing. In addition that he could have been one of those people that fell out, but he wasn't any didn't than the rest is history. We know he's done extremely well, but why don't they have you on every team? Why don't? They have you talking to every player? Why are you not ubiquitous threw out the sports? because you're having these conversations yeah. I think that you had on a number of points that are really important, one of which is the stick. That is associated with my work or the psychological world.
I think overall, as a major athlete, there's a stigma about the vulnerable lee of saying I'm struggling with something, especially in the in the cycle, ethical ram, so these guys are struggling. They die realize that twenty million does not mean twenty million. Twenty million means. As you said, ten million and you're gonna have a huge tax bill, I want to discuss that probably that, because discussing that doesn't pay well that discussion may not be what pays well, because what pays well is the exploitation athletes regardless of color race in of those things that their war always be folks lying in wait to exploit, and that can be in an entertainer amino across the gamut. So if they don't,
have one or two people that are firmly rooted and are really in their corner, there are left to the chance of of that struggle, financial struggle, kiki man and that's what's happening time in time and time again are the role models, the problem as young man, I'm talking about while there in middle school or whatever Are they looking at role models that have flash cars and flash lifestyles because elegant summit, five thousand these pro athletes and a million. I know I make more money than they do and I could not begin to afford that lifestyle and they live like it's going to last for ever yet so back, let's be clear on a point here
that often times, especially in african american community, all of the trinkets, the things that we may see as flashy. If you come from a community that has not had access the accessibility into the financial means to have generate, build and enhance hand. Generation of wealth is limited at best. So what we are fooled into thinking the fools gold is, if I can afford some way to get these trinkets, then others will see me as being wealthier, rich even though I don't have the means to uphold their so sometimes I think what becomes more important is I'm almost the selling of a process that I have all of this. The other thing used the term role model
and I think that a role model is extremely important. You ve been a role model for me. You ve, never I've never met you, but that you were a role model, never knew who. I was tell this moment. I think what we are in need of I talk about in the book is a real model, who are those real models in your life that you can turn to look at, engage with be curious with be taught from their wisdom, and you have access to them more consistently because I had real models. My grandmother was a real model for me to develop this therapeutic sense. So how do we find those real models and be curious with them back? I think curiosity leads way too aware
it's where I can be more aware and financially relational. If I can become more aware, the chances that I make better and more informed informed decisions increases exponentially. So as a therapist, you know my job is not to change anyone. My job is to be curious with you and help raise the awareness around things that you may seek to change. I think that's really the cornerstone in the ticket price has all the best things about instacart like same day grocery delivery, but with a few added pluses, you can share a tightly kept plus one plus you get unlimited free delivery on orders over thirty five dollars, plus five percent credit back on eligible pickup orders, which equal one awesome. Membership sign up for your free two week, trial at instacart, dot, com, slash plus credit back, excludes alcohol, a family account subject to availability, additional terms apply.
Check out, I've got a secret with robin mcgraw, with Eric beauty, bar known as the florist to the stars and king of roses: designing opulent arrangements for a listers elite fashion, houses and luminaries around the world. Now, robert and Eric talk about some of his most over the top celebrity flower arrangements and his experience with grabbing on to life's beautiful opportunities that you don't want to miss this be sure to subscribe, follow and listen to apple podcast spotify, or how ever your listening. Now you say that really! Well, though, it is a cornerstone, but it needs to be said. In an understandable and really embraceable way. I love the way. You say it. I look at the friends that I haven't athletics and there are. A lot of them, then I'm going age myself now talking about Emmett smith and roger starbuck and
Some of these guys, emmett and roger, are huge icons in Sport limits the leading russia in history, the nfl and roger- has the superbowl rings of both of them have built generational wealth by investing in real estate and entrepreneurial things like businesses and things like that, and so many of these young men are smart and industrious. If someone would just get to them and say, let's be smart. In turn, this twenty million in the two hundred million and not to say, don't enjoy your life along the way, particularly if they ve lived in poverty or done with it.
for a long time. But it seems that somebody, maybe it's the league, maybe it's the college's when their captive in classrooms or something. But someone needs to start take The responsibility to say, rather than using these young men up for a short period of time when they can get picked performance, need to take responsibility to give them the tools to the successful long term and after they're, out of the league or not, hundred percent. I mean I agree wholeheartedly. You talked about having these type of discussions with athletes and not just athletes with with young kids as they move into adulthood. and one of the things that my grant you hear me talk about my grandmother over time, because their wisdom still brings deeply true for me
She always said when you're talking to folks, even if you have this higher education thing that you end up getting always put the information down where the goats can get it get it down or where the goats can get at it down at a level where it's engageable it's conversational, and that people can walk away with something so finding ways in which to incorporate a deeper sense of understanding. What this financial stuff means? What will it look and feel like for me? What is generational wealth? How do you get it and, more importantly, once you get it, how do you keep it, but we don't even have those conversations doc. I think we we try to jump over that things in dismay well. You should find a way. I think it's an important aspect to incorporate this type of learning early, the earlier the better.
If you're talking about I'm talking about generational wealth with my sons and had been for a number of years. So this is not new information. This is not new territory for them to understand. So once you get, the money then begin to have the discussion you're behind that's just not advantage it's an advantage for the individual yeah you've got to get ahead of the curve in your book. How am I doing you pose forty questions for people to ask themselves and I love Question number one in question: number: nine in particular request a number one. You say who is the most important person in your life and most people are gonna, stop and think, and all that, but you're suggested a hazard that question and one scribe to wholeheartedly as it better be you better be? Does you either take care? You yourself, for you can't take care of anybody
the net simple, though, that it really people think itself is to save me. It's not self I have two boys and a wife and family members. I can't take care of anybody if I don't take care of myself. If I let myself become emotionally bankrupt, physically bankrupt or just drop dead from stress, I have to take care of myself so Why can't take care of others, and that's what you're saying that said. I like question nine coupled with it, because you say how much time do you spin look at yourself in a mirror? You gonna look at yourself in the eye and be honest about who you are and what you do you have to take stock in the book is really about that taking stock on not only who I am
but how did that? What was a journey that gap made aware I am a man wants, I can take stock or mad. I can seek to understand where I'm hadn't, where I want to be on. The first question is the most important person in your life to your point. It should easily be answered by. I am but we do see that as being selfish, we see that as being putting myself first and I and were taught almost innately at a young age that we should put all these other people first. What if I do that? Where do I come into? I come seventh on the list wealth coupled with that question nine and of the aspects of of really kind of
once you can get to know yourself, how do you manoeuvre that and utilise their framework and that understanding in such a way that you draw benefit and those around you draw benefit? I think that cat that juxtaposition, back of, if I'm taking care of myself
say it on an airplane. If the beggar happen, pressure gets low near the mask, is gonna drop? What are they instruct you to do if you ve travelling with an infant? Our young person put yours on fair first. Why would you do that? Because if I have a young child beside me and I'm fumbling mumble in trying to get there is on- and we both pass out now, we're in trouble so put your mask on in life. Put your mask on first get yourself right, and then you can help that person, because I believe that that in life we have a glass and the job is to fill. The glass fill my glass first and once more,
ass is for everything that is left is for everyone else. They gave it all, but I shall I should first fill my glass because too often we're running around this world pouring everyone else's glasses for and we have just a temple full of water and ours. So I'm asking people to fill their goal as yet that's the only sustainable model, and I hate that we've taught people that it's selfish for self preservation and I really try and teach people to test their thoughts for their rationality. I try to say there does for simple things. I love for young men to write this down on a card or put it in their phone or whatever and keep it handy. When you have a thought, ask yourself
love is based, in fact, because we tell ourselves things all the time and are based on feelings. I have people tell me all the time is by tell me they will. I feel, like an hour drive to be rude, but I said I don't care how you feel a barely care hell, audio! Yes, we're like yours, what is its colleague people say? I want to go to the store and get what we need is one away minute. There's what you want is what indeed, and is what you can afford. It really does it matter. If you need a coat, but matters is, can you afford to get a coat when you grow up poor that You learn vigorously what you mean like what you can afford. We gotta get people started. But the fire again that people are able to facts enough, the while in and I think, one of their struggles as well. That is what will do
Who is what tell ourselves a number of untruth? And if you tell yourself this untruth long enough, it becomes a reality for you. So how can we check ourselves about those untruths that were lying to ourselves about so one way, and I talk about What a new referenced it that getting in the mere of your life taking the time, and I think we avoid the mere doktor, because the man or woman, their peers back at us in the mare knows all knows every, Aspect of us that I can be as you and everyone around, but when I look at that man in the mirror, he knows all bless your question number three, who knows you best, you do if you're tellin yourself, the truth, if I read by self, so I give him for questions need asked them. What is this true? Is it based on fact number two? Is it in my best interests?
Number three: does it get me? What I want need a number for: does it protect and prolong my lot? That's all you need to do if you tell you shall some test, what you're saying with those four things you but fails any of the four you gonna kick it out and create something that fits all four is based in fact Does it give me what I want need? Does it protect him? while my life, those are the things you need to be looking at a game changer for me that I heard you say many years ago and I use it daily. Is that what we do in life? Is we teach others how to treat as oh? Isn't it the truth? The right I mean good, bad or indifferent. We teach people how to treat us. So this is where it could be conflated, and we can start to play around is the selfish shorn, but I'm gonna teach people where the boundaries are with me. My wife knows I get busy and if I feel like, I'm starting to move to a space
being overwhelmed I'll tell her, and she now understands deeply that I need cory time before I can be a good husband before I can be a good pops before I can be a good coach or therapist. I must first be a good corey for corey and once I can do that and feel strongly and in place with that, I could do a lot of things I can. I can be supportive of a lot of ventures and opportunities, but I must first be good brand brother to court to myself, I'm working on that every single day I wake up. Every morning, and literally given a man smiled,
myself, I'm not waiting for someone else to smile at me, doc, yeah I'll. Do it first yeah my dad passed away when he was seventy two by that time, and I'm not saying I was the best kid in the history of the world, but by the time he had passed away, I'd done, okay, I'd gotten a bachelor's master's ph. The in house, doctoral, fellowship and forensic psychology I got married had a nice family was, I think, pretty responsible contributing member society had gone to school on football scholarship and done a lot of things it you think, be reasonable and I had known him for forty two years and not one time in my life did he ever say I'm proud of you, I'm never. I never heard those words come out of his mouth, so you can say well
he was about alcoholic. So he had a lotta issues for most of his life, so you can decide well, I've got a damaged personal truth or you can decide. Sometimes I've got to give myself what I wish I could get from somebody else and that's why I like question number nine, because sometimes you look and take stock, and sometimes you need look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself what you wish you get from somebody else. You gotta look in the mirror and say: hey, I'm proud of myself as a father, I'm proud of myself as husband, I'm proud of myself as a contributing member of society, and if you don't get it where you wish, you get it, you gotta give it to yourself. Do you get from somewhere else, and you say back user will cover words, decide and choice that lie is filled with a series of decisions and choices and my mom, when I was about thirty division, one football offers coming out a junior college
and I chose long beach state because a good friend of mine lived out here and was gone. Planet plant see my son. there was living in the norwalk long be jerry's I decided long beach day and I got it. Come from a small farm in rural community in Kansas. I got it a long beach and there was diversity to the the degree degree they wouldn't comfortable. It was new territory when comfortable two weeks ago by, I call my mom ere. I think I don't know if this is the best fit for me. Mamma make. Can you get a hold of
at this point I think it was coach Snyder second year at kansas state, you called coach snyder and ask him if that full scholarship still available. I think, coming back to kansas may be what I need to give him the best advice that anyone has ever given, and I find it found it's way into the book. She said you made that choice now go about making that choice the right one. So too often we leave to chance that, and we fret about making the perfect decision the perfect choice- and there is no such thing, but what we can do is go through our process to make the final call on what the decision is and every day go about. Making that choice. The right one outworking everyone around you taking joy and pride
in your work every single day and if we do that consistently will make the choice re by our hard work in preparation. I think it's simple, and I say this a lot. I think many of these ideas are very simple. That doesn't mean they're easy book, but, relatively speaking, the pretty simple. So how do we do that? How do we make sure that were leaning into that process in a way that is beneficial once again to us individually, but to our social networks and those around us? That mean a lot to us. Well, that's where you learn something about yourself right. I can't tell you that I'll always make the right decision, but I can t you that I'll always work to make the decision right were kimono. That's what I do know myself. I may not make the right decision, but I know I'll work, my butt off to make the decision right, that's from commitment
and hang in there and you get up early, stanhope late, today, unfocused and sometimes I probably haven't made the right decision, but by work and hard? I made it right answer. Maybe the easier road somewhere else, I don't know, is on ever switched and went to the other road. You didn't go back to you That's their great! That grind, though, every day, if I hit floor, and I say I'm dedicate to grinding forward and move with a level of grit perseverance that will be unmatched I'll, be ok, but I am concerned about in this day and time is that doesn't seem to be in the mindset of our current generation. Young people that have these concierge parents.
that are smoothing out the bumps in the road forum your mother could have said. Well, let me call him and let's find out. Instead, she said no, you go assholes and elbows work it out and you'll get it done, but yep john hate and his part. Greg, look off, wrote a book cobbling of a generation who I think we're making it too easy, sometimes because I think the way we learn about ourselves is by watching what we do so we learn about other people right. It's a broad definition of self attribution theory values at descriptive lee not clean, but the way we learn about other peoples, we watch what they do and if we have somebody on our staff that we get their morning in their fifty miss her else, life turned on coffee being made. after years on, and we have no rain or shine eyes snow whatever, there. You know they're gonna, be there exert you can't to then you a tribute to the
dependability reliability. You just know those are their characteristics, so you attributed trade to them. That's how we from our own self image and self worth we watch what we do. Any of our parents take away our opportunity to observe ourself, mastering our environment. We don't attribute to ourselves the ability go into kindergarten. You walk up the sidewalk yourself, you reach up an open that door. You go in there and you spend half a day. You roll out your matt and take your nap issues, It's your grapes. You too, you come back out and get in the car you go. I did that did it. I never forget. My mother. There was a little girl that lived next to her in texas. She came as well a metal girl next door. She really was she says. While she walked up to me and she said, I can zip button and time yeah what she said. Gibbs said I can zip button and tie- and I said, oh really,
Why did she say that I have no idea, but she was quick to show me. She was proud of the fact that she had learned zip button and tie she attributed that to herself. She was very proud of it and we need to let go learned as it button and I've. Let us learn to smooth out their problems. We need to let him overcome their challenges, instead, a jump in taking care of everything the end. So what we're doing is allowing the opportunity for later having those big winds in life, though small winds every day. Some winds are we categorize it thusly, but we can find small winds and a coach that that we had on staff it at Detroit as names daddy. The bois talked about engaging with the small ones as an athlete, not looking for big huge winds, but the small winds, each possession- and I think I live and and really support other
by that notion the other piece that I thought was that important what you just touched on. Is that generation after generation? its generation, will have a mission. France for known, talked about it many years ago, each generation may have these missions that they may not even explicitly know what that that mission may be, but they were either uphold it and get it done or denied and let it fall to the wayside. So what are the generations that we currently engage with? What are they up to, while we ve probably done a poor job as the elder generation of preparing them? We, loud for everyone to get a metal twenty seventh place. The metal looks just like first place,
so everyone's gonna get it it, regardless of when loser draw, but life is not set up such in such a way so. What are we teaching them early on? may not necessarily or will not necessarily benefit them when the competitive juices flow and you ve got to interview it's down to you and that other person, and were you folder you are where you stand, erect and get her dad. It doesn't translate to life it does now while its controlled death, but everybody getting a trophy and a pizza party doesn't work in a competitive world us a couple of your questions that I were really good yo do you have any. urging in her voice, which is so important, but you also he was your question fourteen you said what In truth, are you telling yourself about your current existence? if your parents are enabling you, if you invite These are enabling you, if you
or enabling you to live a fiction you're gonna be really lost out their talk about. That is a question for tat. I, leave it. As you know, the question numbers better than I do I need to. I need to catch up number one of the things that that I learned do and I. It kind lean into and utilise the lad. Is there an existentialist really grappling with, what are we exert? What are we here for what we exist? Forest amazon outside and sorry came up with notion I utilise alive in the notion, was called bad faith. Evaluation before these illegal bat Andrews in your current existence. I love that. Thank you. I'm learning to read these words. get it, and so one of the things they start said is there we will tell ourselves in bad faith
tim you a series of untruth so, for instance, if your work a dead in job that is barely allowing you to pay the bills and yet gone to work every day. You'll find awaited tell yourself an untruth that this is the only way I can make it. I can never quit his job among barely make him it with this job, so that untruth becomes my truth. I can't leave this job, but if we took the time to sit back and think about it, we do have options. there are things that you could do about it now. You may be nervous scared about how to do this and what is ultimately look like so you're filled with love, version of anxiety about what that future could be, but the fact remains that the truth is you could do something about your girl in existence, so dont, bein, fearful and anxious to appoint, have been paralyzed and speeds.
duck in this dead in job. Sometimes we say separate as our lot in life. This is just what it is- and I can't change that? That's not true. Simply this is not true. So what will you do today about your existence tomorrow? If you could get even starting with one team, if you could get just one core group of men to embrace that reality, you could start a ripple effect that I think could become, as I guys, I think, p overlooked. The fact they think we have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. I think people miss the fact that small changes across time add up to big results where you're are iran, beginning in november. The rest of this year's gonna go
by whether people are doing something about their circumstance or whether or not you little changes each day over the next sixty days, though six days. You're gonna, go by whether you're doing anything you're, not you might as well make even small changes. People get overweight, sometimes and say so. Overweighted there's no come back now, but if you lose a pound, a pound and a half a week for six months that six much is going to happen anyway. Yes, good grief, you can be forty or fifty pounds later at the end of six months than you think. Would you like loose. Forty fifty pounds, you go, oh hell, yes, then you think there's a way. I can do that. Well, pound a pound and a half or weak didn't seem much, but it adds up across time people get stuck in these comfort zones,
I actually did some research about this one time doctrine people told me that their biggest fear, I thought their biggest fear, was to take a risk and get out of their comfort zone. I thought would be that they would fail. They would try for it and couldn't get it. But when I boiled the data down their biggest risk was not that they would make a change, but that they would. can be expected to maintain that change, because I was talking to people, though they were out in the world and they said. Okay, I make fifty thousand dollars a year. So I live in a neighborhood where the people might be two thousand a year. My friends make fifty thousand dollars a year. I drive a car for people who make the two thousand a year. some of our really good up on my hind legs and really work on sales and get up to seventy five thousand a year. Then all this
I normally start hanging out with people that make more money may be belong to a different club. Maybe drive a different car, but now I gotta expect myself to keep it up. Maintain that's going to be a lot of pressure. Do I want that pressure? Well, that's why I love that one. saying pressure is privilege. If you know what pressure this do, the third great over every year, hell. Yes, you are pressure. You gotta keep asking yourselves move at all. You know paper I usually retiring ottawa retire. I wanna keep trying different things list is, keep it move. You say the sub keep moving. It's I live by this and have come up with a kind of a metaphorical thing that I use in my therapeutic endeavours. All of that is that in life we must be rivers not ponds. A pond is stagnant body of water. Beautiful
Stagnant though, but a river is ever evolving, regenerating flowing and moving an immense movement opportunity wolf night, not will it be that you will find it opportunity and success oftentimes one hunt you down if you're going about that work on a day to day approach. The other thing you talked about this too ago talked about change like this is something that we need a slow down and think about. We can have theirs different versions of change. So we call it first order. Second order change, but if you start to really differentiate in and ask yourself what changed wisely, First daughter changes saying I'm going to take all the pictures off the wall and repaint in a different color and put new carpet in and different furniture you're going to walk into that space is going to look totally different,
but real, deep, profound change. Second ordered changes, saying I'm gonna knock that wall down and Even if you put a new wall up, it will be different than it was before. You have changed the structure of that space, so we must engage and ask ourselves what what type of change my seeking before I can move on it. The other thing that you touched on is really important. Is this idea around how we're talking to ourselves so we're all
is continuously talking to ourselves, as I'm talking doc, you're talking to yourself. What am I going to ask next? Do I like what he said on that right? There's always conversations that are moving. If we can take the time to slow down and become aware of what those conversations in our head sound like we can many times find out, I'm really negative with myself. So in terms of weight, loss and core you gotta lose weight, you're telling me you lost it, then you gained it back. I'll beat myself up, but if you had people take those have thoughts and have them transcribed and have someone read those thoughts aloud to their it'd? Be shocked? Yes, but yes, so you, and if they read that to you, you would be get avoid them. You'd say get that person away, but guess what we're doing it to ourselves all the time and you people
Don't realize is we talk at one hundred and twenty words a minute now my wife aug up to one hundred and sixty once in a while, but gust but we we target about her doing words a minute, but we think it twelve hundred words a minute. So if a bully tells us something or we tell ourselves something of head women it said in the eighth grade, their walk into the cafeteria, and they heard somebody say: oh look at her fat ass and she might have been a bean pole, but they said there yes and she heard it mother heard at one time, but she starts right. eating it. At a speed of ten annex ii are enjoying Twelve hundred she starts repeating over and over and over and over that gets etched in her brain S that takes over This is actually a neurological change in the it's like be on the right track, with no exit ramp and gets stuck. That's
that the internal dialogue is so important that you have that? Do you talk to you, serve with encouraging in her thought, as one of your questions are right, you ask yourself, and we have the answer that, though Dac right. It's one thing to ask that question critically important. I have you, don't do anything as at least begin by being curious with yourself and asked but once we gain awareness, that's the thing. I love about awareness in consciousness. Once you obtain any version or level of awareness or consciousness, you never to turn it off as much as you may want to. You never get to turn that switch off. So the question that will always remain It is now that I'm aware what will I do with this? What is the move forward and weaken? We can play the game the trick.
sounds, but we are now aware, so we can talk about unconscious bias and an implicit bias. I think the cousin of implicit bias is cognitive dissonance. We should want dissonance we but I have the cognitive dissonance is: is just haven't battle with yourself new information comes, I say, oh my god. I never thought about that. Didn't know that. The the battle ensues. So now we can't blame it on unconsciousness, and that doesn't mean we're gonna, make the right choice and do the right thing. Quota quote all the time, but edition which is good. Yes, as you say, I was talking to Joe rogan on thursday last week, down in Austin he's a good friend of mine, and I was talking to him on his show, and I was telling him that
Dissidents or pain can be a really good motivator kalsaken back to when I was growing up as a kid I used to go to my grandparents every summer and I would say, with them in the thriving metropolis of monday, texas thriving my job they never fifteen hundred people were miranda literally, there was one stop lie our boy and it flashed. Then it gets so hot there. In the summer. You just look at the back yard. Dog disbursed into flame was so hot, but we would go to willing porn stuff, and once in a while. We get stupid and walk across and asphalt highway barefooted No, what happened you get about halfway across and you go. Oh my god.
choice, so you in the middle of the highway and your feet, argius melting, ok, what are you gonna? Do you? Ain't gonna run back to the grass. side or you're gonna spread to the other side. But what you're not gonna do is and there in the middle of that highway and let your feet melt frank. That pain is going to cause you to move. Are you going to go one way, you're going to go the other now what I realized about that is people, therefore, when they feel it. pain they resolve quickly quickly. I used to work with juries. Alot tell em at opel, actually working on her too, LE pen, amarillo jury make their minds up really quick. Marijuana be wrestling around with your siblings and break a lamp. There is a dead he race to get to mama far yet
Whoever has primacy has a better chance of surviving there. So you tell your story first and that jury is going to make their mind. really earlier so once you get somebody to take a position and go to one side of the road, the other. How hard is it to get them to come off? That cool ass back onto that hard highway. Come all the way, the other side tat people make up their minds early you go back to where, as comfortable and in its real hard to get them to move their position as go back into that pain and come to the other side, and some of these people that are in life right now are so stuck. There getting them to come out of that position. Therein go through the pain of change to get to a new ice is real hard troubling and that's what you're doing with these forty questions
you're luring them back on to that hot highway to get to a new place and you're doing it a step at a time, instead of asking them to jump across the highway you're saying right. First, who's, the most imp in person in your life? Do you allow yourself to dream, about what you want. Do you know oh who you are. Do you look in the mirror? Do you realize what you're saying yours you're asking these people and the reason I love your book, much as these are stepping stone. Yes that take them across, that hard highway to get them where they're going. That's why? I love your forty question so much you ve got a billion things that that you, you ve, made me think about I'll see. If I can capture couple one thing that that I am, I live by the african proverb and that's the really the premise of the book and the problem
Is how do you eat elephant one bite it a time gravity so all right, so that those forty questions are conversations the old with south the overarching question? How my doing those bite sized approaches to those small conversations can help move. The other thing that talk a lot about that, I think, is really important. That is how do we view or engage pay I see that pain should often times be the best indicator of growth that if I'm gonna grow, think about the things that you ve done in your life. There were really good that, if you go to those days weeks months previously that moment that was beautiful, there was probably some associated pain discomfort. All we were do was lean away from discomfort. No one wants discomfort, no one wants pain, but if we can refer
a man in the same that pain. That discomfort may be telling me that I may be on the edge of birthing, something quite beautiful labour pains that a woman goes through. Why do you get through because you know what is to come? I'm so recognising all of that that discomfort- and in that case I ask that we often times we have to deal with that if we ended Dammit. I see it as an opportunity for that growth is import. Nelson and I'll shut up. Nelson Mandela said a quote that I also live by that in life we never lose. We either. When are we learn, so we're gonna take some lamps, but is not just a loss for the sake of, alas, that it must be a loss, quoting court loss for the sake of learning from there. I coaches joy
dalma was my head coach at long beach, state and willie brown and they always said: hey you're, going to make mistakes, we're not mad at you for making mistakes first of all, if you're going to make them, make them going one hundred percent at one hundred miles an hour, but if you're going to make mistakes, don't make the same mistake over and over learn from it and make new mistakes seek the new mistake, because that means I've. I've got the lesson from that old mistake and I think a lot of this doc is just reframing. How we see the world how we see ourselves again: simple, not necessarily easy, not necessarily complex, but it's something that we can do, but what you're doing is you've got people engaging themselves. That's what I'm saying about the forty question: you've got people engaging themselves and I play tennis. Every day I started college on a football scholarship and got ahead neck
erie, so our lower. So I took up tennis and finished on a tennis scholarship, which was a lot easier on my body and so now played tennis every day of my life and if I don't finish playing tennis and after ring my socks out, I'm not just completely exhausted, at least for thirty minutes afterwards, our village a worker? If you just gotta, understand around, I could stand around to bust up. What's the point you I get dressed,
into the shoes you're not going to go down and workout yeah. You gotta push yourselves every day. I tell people. If you got a job without pressure, you don't really have a job. You just go down somewhere and getting paid like say nobody wants pain and nobody wants conflict. Perhaps, but if you work through it and you enter the conversation, you enter the whole transactional process at a higher level. The next day, then you're moving up you're moving up and yeah you gotta be trying to get better every day, at b and apparent at being a wife, it being a husband, every other citizen, it being something you want to be the river, not the pond, and that you've got to put something into it. I said to our players all the time. If you step on the court and go an hour and a half a practice swear. I pray you there and have if you step off the court at the end of the practice in you didn't give
better meters blue an hour and a half or your day, we'll never get back so move. As you began that process of walking on the for committing to self that will find a way to get better. I'm gonna get whatever it is in whatever fashion or manner that better, which is a very relative term that you can commit to better. In yourself for that next stretch of time and and pursuing that with the vigor and the zest, and that pushes you again, the individual gets better, but that means they show up in the world as a better version of themself, and now that social network is better because of the work that they've done well, I think that's what you're doing the book and we've been talking about it the whole time the book is hell am, I doing is by DR cory agar,
Do you feel, like you, ve, gotten, to know him as we ve been talking this whole time, you can tell em a fan of his and a fan of the book. Then you know, I don't endorse a lotta books, but endorsing this one. I think it is something that you won't read and put down, I think it's something you will read and go back to a thing Something you will read and talk to your friends and your family about it'll, be something that will kind become up go to manual, for you, I think, is something that you go back to look out again and again and again when you buy it, you want to buy several com. these, because you're going to immediately want to give it to the people that you care about in your life, so save some shipping and get four five copies at a time. So you can give it to the people in your life because it is a gift. I hope you pick it up and look at it.
Corrie, I appreciate you taken this time to sit down and talk to me. I hope we can do this again, because there's more that we can talk about, I would love to dig into this deeper. I've got ten other things it we can talk about and hopefully, when we Chance will set out to do this again. I appreciate you more than you know opportunity to sit with you is it's been a dream. Come true, just want to say! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. My gratitude is through the roof, well, it's been very stimulating and thought provoking and we'll talk again soon follow on this more than thank you. Go back to. Thank you, sir.
Transcript generated on 2022-12-08.