Dr. Phil and Dr. Frank Luntz, USC professor and president of Frank I. Luntz and Associates, continue their conversation with a focus group of USC students on how to communicate more effectively – and how young people can work on their communication skills on this week’s Phil in the Blanks podcast. The doctors teach communication skills that help you “get what you want.” Plus, they address being canceled on campus, Dr. Phil has the students engage in a dyad exercise, and more. For more information: https://www.drphilintheblanks.com/
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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
This episode is brought to you by staples you're busy running your business. So it's time to let you in on a secret. You can ship where you shop at staples yeah, it's true they're. The best kept secret in shipping staples can keep your business going from shipping services to supplies and they're even open early and late seven days a week, so ship it at staples and get twenty five percent. Of? U p s express shipping services in store. Only exclusions apply ends december. Thirty, first for more details, visit staples connect, dot com, slash shipping, giveaway What you need the boss than it fails. You up and watch humming people will listen to you and learn from you and their ideas. May change find a partner look away. We don't do this enough the welcome to fill in the blanks this way We continue the conversation with a focus group of u s e students. Last week I explained
everything that we were covering just to recap it frank, lutz, invited me to be part of a symposium on how we can communicate more effectively specially regarding political issues. We took a lot. look at how young people can work on their communication skills that we did that bringing together about forty students. From u S, he half item left, leaning, half of them right, leaning. Our objective was to, get the divisiveness to lie down and get
the open mindedness to take over theirs can be a special gas, is going to come out and participate in this conversation with me because the so what do I have to do to get that kind of reaction to get taller he's here, because he understands human behavior and he wanted to hear you all speak and communicate you, and I should do an exercise for that Stuart. And it's called a dizzy. I'm going to do the democratic side, you're going to be the republican side. Anyone can see that the republican party is the party of the rich. Better choices can lead people to a better way of life. Can you understand that debt republicans don't believe in choices? Just abortion, don't you acknowledge that choice
are every ones popper tuna d to express free will killing appertaining is what the republicans do by giving tax breaks to the rich and punishing anybody else. Leaving this in other people's lap is not the answer. My family was privileged, so many families aren't I want to know republicans are going to do for those grounds. Never live your life. Looking over your shoulder, there's a reason, the rear view mirror. Is this big and the windshield is disparate? As the you had, the white house, the house and the senate for ten years, and all you managed to do- is give millionaires and billionaires the tax cut what teachers do for the which american to help them, zero if your measuring it by what you have been given plenty, if you measure it by opportunities that would put out in front of you to embrace guy you're fuckin. Us
as democrats gimme a word of praise to describe republicans fiery nationals, emotional responsible, it is worth a phrase, described democrats packages Sensors, what's environment, republicans on college campuses? I would say it's nice welcoming, I can't even wear my g o p sure on campus, without people coming up to me and kind of yelling at the frightening threatening wife. If you announce do others that you work personally, I see how you are in a way with down on, because democrats generally
will argue about. Is that war against sexual or non heterosexual? And it feels like your time I have first hand experience some of them. The biggest a try Cassidy's is basically the word I would use to describe coming from the. U s: e g o p, calling women You ve heard of worsens murderous worse Jeffrey, that you're terrified to be on campus as a republican, I'm terrified to be on campus with individuals who pick just when I've experienced myself from your members last year. One of them made fun of me called me camila, because I am outspoken. I think the characterization of fearful was accurate. I gotta cancel beaumont. I got sent messages by people. I did not know on instagram calling me a racist sexist. Almost all of these things, people who I don't even know they don't even know me. Sometimes we need to stop and think about really impact, of what we're doing on someone we don't even know, but when you look people in the eye changes the way we feel
sometimes built regard each other in a human way in the second part of this we address being cancelled on campus. We talk about how we need to focus on winning an argument versus solving a problem because right now. I believe people go into a lot of these exchanges with the absurd. To win the argument when what we need to be focused on is how to come together and solve. The problem that we share. these problems are common. Both sides agree. There's a problem and we're not working together to solve it. We're trying to win our side of the argument, and that puts everything in a win lose scenario and when you put things in a win, lose scenario it right.
He comes out lose lose you don't ever want be in a win lose situation, because now you ve got somebody feeling like a loser, and that brings up resentment it brings retaliation and it creates a greater divide, you want situations to be win win, and that means making sure the other side gets as much of what they want as they pass. We can without giving away everything that you value this is doable So gonna get experiential here and get these kids up out of their chairs on their feet and interact. with each other in a structured way and I think you're, going to see a major shift in attitude and the bible room. we are also going to give some words of advice, some things that we think
these kids can use- and I say kids because they're all way younger than me anne frank, but these yeah people. These bright, intelligent, educated, people what they can do and we're gonna. focus on the power of language linguistics and how words so much baggage that they can be. Come determinative without you, meaning for that. impact to take place and work to talk about all the things that people have questions about asking the other and asking us about what they think is important, and how they can approach certain things and we Give them some advised that all the room was nodding their head about and agreeing yeah. You know what we embrace that weak,
start leading change so I gotta tell you: I came away from their feeling a lot more optimistic than I did going in and I I'm an incurable optimist to begin with it miss the first part go back and look. and then see what we did this week. I think you're gonna be really really inspired by these young people, if you are punished by a professor or care, so by a club, something significant, because your point He was not the same as the professors point of view or the same as a group of students, point of view whose actually faced it in this room regime's one, two, three, four, five, six seven
Nine same number of republicans and Democrats, five republicans for democrats. So what's the problem, the example of the bill and floated denying all government other state advantages, deputy He had he's a difference when a company is using where, where they're getting their bit essentially living for this house, that they give met the sea and in the house and then they're gonna go in to interfere or something actually is uneven based out of their state. There is a california company, so guess what they eat you going. go him by the hand that feed use gonna pull back. I don't consider that cancelling, I consider it hey, you know, get, would get what you got going to you. you started to laugh at him, which is something that you got mentioned before,
I know he wasn't telling a joke. Why were you laughing? No, I was looking at cushions. Enthusiasm corporations should not be retaliated against for expressing views on issues by god. and actors, financial in order to corral them onto their side in a culture war with you, is to believe. This is a word public can point of view that a Democrat is articulating. I am saying that Having a lieutenant governor of Florida go on the air and openly admit it was a quid it's a quid pro quo of them breaking from the republicans on this issue and then having disney be punished by the republican party for expressing a socially culturally different view in order to threaten other
companies into falling in line with them. That type of regulation come straight out of place. forms similar to the italian fascist platform. absolute into action in that it is high and fascism. Italian. Tell that the words you want to say in a discussion like this, or do you want to take it back? I'm scheme a specific question time passes on the language guy Do you want you accuse them of that? Yes, we are. Similarly, I didn't say it like. You said it was like it is evil liberal and goes against friction Just of ideas then why'd. You use that term, because criticism. Is used historically by latin american fascist recover, Once again, with the fashion isn't fascism term, I'm not saying this as an insult and to use that phrase, did you not? We can play the tape. I play the paper. I didn't come him fascist, You said it was like fascism, like italian fascism, yeah. I'm sticking by my point is correct.
I'm saying that policy is similar to policies that work in, for example, the italian fascist platform metric round the business community onto one political side If you got something to say to him, say it stop doing through him we want to respond him go as someone who is not a part of either the: u s, c g, o p or the democratic club they are no doctor filled fed by why I know that you said that you felt ass to be respectful, but me personally, like to you call these, where this is gonna of horrifying, like this doesn't seem to be like a politics issue seems like you, guys is fundamental. we don't like each other as people, it seems This is going beyond your political beliefs and is really being like an assault on on both sides of your characters. Is this not an example of passion? Now it goes beyond patch, I'm confident
I know what I'm saying in dubai this or that we started using cemeteries, tell your first there's no point to using words like down both sides other than trying to get your point across? Why do you think people on this side. Are this passionate reposed passionate to point of like would you believe his aggression and anger and I believe, will believe and understand that, because yeah, some what's happened to you, what you ve been exceeded sounds fucking. Warlike son its form and that sucks. But why do you think people have this response towards conservative politics, We feel the exact same way about conservative politics that we feel that we're getting this response from conservative people. I don't think it's so much a political issue. I guess politics got radicalism. Both sides- yes, but
the generational issue, we have the attention span worse than a goldfish. People cannot even watch a fifteen second tiktok I'm surprised you wanna still here right. How can people actually engage in a conversation that in its for two hours, if we you watch a fitting second tiktok it's a generational issue? I think conversation has brought out some of the worst in both sides vocabulary, but also just entered the boss. You're getting pretty wild up right and That's just not my experience with republicans on campus and I really hope that that's not your overall experience with democrats on campus I mean, I hope they think, I'm getting to know everybody and feeling a lot more towards europe. One of you can answer, by Alan Donnelly ever going to build a bridge I'm wondering
trying to win an argument, make your point and get it across bang, bang or you trying to solve a problem region, common ground cause us like for a while there. some problem solving going on and then eyes I think it deteriorated into trying to win an argument when you're trying to win an argument when you're trying to solve a problem, I think we try to win. Arguments is trying to as part of trying to solve a larger problem. His point, isn't the best thing that you all have done on this side is that you ask questions, because that will both through the question you'll get a better understanding of where they come from and in the Did you find the question your boxing them in a little bit, so you doing both at the same time, but you're giving them the chance to be heard on your side. There are some of you who are really reaching out to that side? Who are true?
to find that common ground, because there's a humanity. My life is Conflict resolution now And I believe that we are far worse today because of our previous president- and I now say so publicly, because he never saw a complicated one to engage and provoke and make much much worse. And there was a time. I want to say that, because I do not want to get this shit of him and all people, support him and adjust wasn't worth it. and then I realized the damage you done to you all several people over here. You want them to feel what she felt, but you want to punish them for what she felt as opposed to establish empathy. We don't spend enough time trying to walk in each other's shoes. We don't spend enough time. China learn each others. challenges europe!
blessed with instant information, instant friendships instant everything arousing well, the way you do you finery to each other up, but don't forget that there are people behind these beliefs. Everybody's been sitting for a long time. Can we do like a two minute exercise: We tell you here's what I want you to do. I want people to para and what I call a standing diet There's a rule to this, there can be, zero small talk you can't say anything? Let me have you and I'll use. Use an example. Come right here. Let me have you, ok, This is a standing diet. You can't say a word. I just want you to get right here and make eye contact in each other's personal space. We got left and right. I just want you to make eye contact, don't say anything. This look at each other,
everybody on the left or by on right, find a partner, no snow. what targets find a partner and get into standing diet like this just make contact. Don't say anything. Look each other in the eye, look away. We Don't do this enough. And obviously I'm leaving you here. This is the ultimate pregnant pause. Then you probably have looked anybody in the eye this much for a long long time. Then Otherwise, you're looking at another human being, they have parents, brothers sisters, they get up in the morning they decide what aware that decide what there Do they have fears, prides thoughts, feelings just like you do.
Ok, a tat beyond the shoulder. There's just two of you, your work it out, to be on the shoulder. Ok, now when I say, go, until I say, go, I want you to say one of four things you're gonna, say I trust you. I don't trust you. No about trust. You I'd rather not say go we go No, no talking oversees. If you are a republican, if your own right try the room, raise your hand, I you left find a new partner right work.
I have sparred somebody with one of us got their hand in the air. I should now have a new partner, somebody from the left and somebody from the right make eye contact. Look dispersive any. I. Consider them as a human being when I A girl, a, I trust you, I don't trust you I don't know. If I try, you or I'd rather not say a go. Bingo. if you're from there raise your hand left five, partner one more time. I consider this person may really
don't just go through the motions to think about this person. What did they Go through today lost love when lately I haven't financial trouble there they something great lately. are they lonely, this just get engaged, be your turn go, Ok, I have to say the
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Well, that's just a real simple little experiential exercise first off without any structure. What was your reaction? What did you experience when you were asking the questions about? What did they do this morning? Did they lose a loved one? Like all these questions that you might be asking about yourself and
that you might really consider important to yourself. You realize that there's someone behind these political ideals, someone that maybe dealing with issues that you yourself might be dealing with, and it's not I'll just about what we disagree on my computer agree with you. I think you are very with eaten the three of them. I felt very connected didn't wasn't even considering their affiliation or their identity. I just saw a human being and at the end of the year, it also made me think that it's a lot harder to say you, don't trust someone to someone you're looking straight at prize, it so much easier to hide behind a screen and kind of assume things that people when you're looking at them in the face and kind of thinking about these questions like seeing them as a person with a lot different. When you were asking me to look at this person and view them as a human being.
It was something that I already knew what to do, but at the same time I also realized that I sometimes personally forget to do that, but about you I just show everyone has a tuning before you ask those questions. You know and my partners and I had they can testify to this. It was just we looked at each other. We laugh, you know there was no. There was no tension. There was no. Oh I want to. I want to strangle this person, not that I ever feel that way. I'm just saying like it can get to that extreme right if, if we're push those limits, but here I was with a stranger laughing- smiling how'd, you decide. Who is a your be just one or. I want to know how many of you were a three times three times? Ok, look at this
You guys needs to be a little bit more humble! You guys needs to be a little bit more often, but that that's for me a holy shit. Finding I now want to try this with all of america watchwords happened. Are women get arrested by going around a touch yeah by show of hands who trust and more at the beginning, re chance. by show of hands who trusted more. At the end,. Ok? So why, with the first person, we were told not to talk to one another, so we require we didn't get to really converser, learn anything until the second time
it became more casual. We started talking and then by the third. I remember I was we were just talking and chilling out. You have c or something, and so we had that connection. I think there, third time our body language were more open, so we're kind of just like mimic each other by language so like it makes me feel more at ease, I'm pretty sure it'll make the other person feel more at ease cause. That's probably why I was a little bit more trusting go ahead. The third question, like we really thought about like did they lose someone? What do they care about? just like more personal questions that got me thinking and in my like, in my pair, like we both said we trusted each other. When you look at someone in the eye, I was just intimidated by the commonality. A soccer field was posing lashes, imagining that concern scenarios affiliate politics? Today's He said she said game. Where does anyone? short term goals, not really by the bigger picture of us as humans need to live amongst each other with peace.
How did you learn how to do this? Just to the matter of eye contact with people regarding each other as human beings that past tromp everything else. If you don't start on a human The human basis then your building a house on sand? You don't treat each other as human beings, then whether its crime Violence mugging inside also whatever kind of disrespect for another, Person become so much easier if you dont regard them personally and if you do regard them personally, then so much harder to disrespect. and disregard the worth of the human being, and it's such a fast pace society that we don't really take time to look at each other and regard each other as human beings. I think this is so important, so I'm mad me too, piece of advice.
Number one. Is you really need to show and you really need to mean that you get it that you understand it. I get it Something really bad happened to you. but understand why it happened. Second,. Please don't make a statement, make a difference my students. Now I say this all the time, and I mean it so much I actually want you to be successful. But the only way you do so is not by trying to own people or embarrassed them. Will you Language to insult them or drive them apart. we bear hugging them. You should be pulling them to your side, not pushing them away, of them more than they love each other risk? back them more than they respect themselves and watch humming people will listen to you and learn from you and their ideas may change. Would you give them.
I spend a lot of time hearing what isn't said in reading. What people say non verbally. When I saw you talking about your ex sciences on campus sides. I articulating what you were saying you, what you were reading and The screenshot, I felt a lot of and being experienced. I think any time I see anger, I see, hurt, fear and frustration. You have you look the anger behind. It is hurt, fear and frustration. I believe in principal arrest, reciprocity. You get what you give what you the universe is. What comes back in Look within yourself. And give away what you need the most. You'll, be amazed how fast you feel yourself up. if you feel marginalized on campus, are you feel, attacked, reach
out the somebody that you know has go. You feel that way I quit. Was being attacked, for example, if somebody had gone save man, this must really for you and I'm sorry about that. No you're human being, and I love you as a human being. I promise you would have gone home feeling better that day give away what you need the most in it? Fails you up which category back to what I was, you do and I was having you look in each there's eyes. The second Some advice is, really do believe that. the job of every one of you in this room. Is The star in your own wife and you, ask yourself what the star you wanna be. Is it inspirational or is it
aggressive. What kind of start you wanna be in your own life. I'm so impressed that all you came here tonight to do this, the decision both my mind that you give a shit enough about this life this world, where we are right now that you came here to night. Just to talk about this, fresh yourselves in here each other than just. Like publish it, oh impressed. I would not have done this at your age this didn't give a shit man, died. When I was forty two and At that time I was doing pretty good, but my dad I was born. Lived and he died without ever tellin me. He was proud of me one time in my life ever, graduate number one of my class with the school football scholarship.
I figured out Sometimes you have to give yourself what you wish you can get from somebody else, and so I decided I gotta start my own life and I hope, all y'all do that and decide what kind of star you want to be. So we read it from appearance weight today that anxiety right. No, no! No! I have maybe one piece of cheese in the house and some mustard don't worry. We can get free same day, delivery from Bjs wholesale club. We spent one hundred dollars or more. It takes as little as two hours free same day, delivery from bjs lot of relief. I owe you one sweetie good, because they're bringing all my sisters spend one hundred dollars or more and get free same day. livery on beaches, dotcom december six to the twelfth only PJ's, absurdly simple savings check out. I've got a secret robin mcgraw with Eric beauty, by known as the forest to the stars and king of roses. Designing.
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Follow and listen to apple, podcast, spotify or however you're listening now. I just wanted to sort of make a statement for asking heal as a way of making a step towards bridging. I guess the political divide on campus with a a thing that was talked about about screenshots and the group chat. I currently have that number we've talked to him, he's scared for his life because he said something that was, he believed was in a private group chat. I think a great step forward in showing trust in both sides is our member and your member would like to meet and talk it out personally and try to resolve it. I think that'd be a great great step forward and just sort of resolving a conflict that shouldn't be such big of an issue that it's become. That specific member,
Who made the most atrocious cometh? I knew him personally like we to Sally friends, but like we would say how did you learn on campus? I will not talk to him. I got there is the and gaps and everything, but I also know I don't owe him anything like the things that he session I should no one should ever have to hear or read those things ever so he does not only talking to him and I will not talk to him. I've been doing this for forty five years and I never put an abuser and the victim together unless victim asked for that sounds like you were abuse in some way by this person, but I would really Encourage you. to forgive him for yourself. You have to let it go for you Tell him you ve! Let it go because if not you and person whoever it is and whatever he said you and here locked in a bond for ever, unless you decide unwilling to invest any more energy and you not one whit
or you're gonna stay locked in a bar. I hope you get to the point where you can do that. The challenge you, you tell your friend. And he has to earn and deserve her and their acceptance of his apology. He actually has to come on did me and say I was an idiot what I did was wrong. I was way view to say now he does, he feel awful, but he will do something positively to make a difference in their lives. Go right and article. We, you acknowledge to the community that you made a mistake and it oh he's willing to give that additional commitment. They don't know him anything I'm not saying what she should do with him I'm just being selfish. On your behalf,
and whatever he does or doesn't do you need to take your power back and set yourself free rise above this Does- or I think rightly be, doesn't too bad, you need, let you self go and take your power back, and this is what you want to use these. that work. These the words that influence people most powerful work, in the english language is the word. Imagine when you ask people to imagine life of perfection. Every one of you has a different every one of you has a different visualization, One of you is correct. Destroying human dignity is brand. New. Moreover, word on this side, and it is this site- and I will tell you all start using it- it's a war that they appreciate, because it means something to them. It means genuine respect by the way of this diversity. I say this to you all diversity to you mean some
a completely different to them? relax economy all their works for everyone. Don't you say things because it sounds good to you say things that actually have an impact. My question is in the I guess, united effort to fix problems that are currently happening or candidate, the future a better place. How do you make an impact on people that are button to hear what you have to say and how can you actually have a condom? tension with people that care more about winning an argument that solving a problem. I'm not going to have an argument with someone who has stopped Snake nets are wasted. Time going. what you're issues I wanna know what your priorities are, maybe I'll, try to move you? Maybe I won't, but the big with knowing. What's on your mind, really knowing what's in your heart.
and if I don't know that, I cannot be effective for it's finding out what their currency is even two year old kid they've got a currency, it may be their little lovey blanket everybody has a currency and If you listen they'll tell you what's urgently relevant to them. Some people, too and feeling terms and if you're really see it through their eyes and meet them where they are there, You can really get across an hour and a long time ago to quit telling people they need help started, telling them what they deserve, and that made a big difference. I saw thank you both fair just this conversation. I think it's really great that so many people are here and it seems like the loudest voices on campus.
I think about the silent middle. I think about just the people who, maybe you don't feel comfortable, confident enough to engage in the space. Sometimes I was just like. Aren't we talking as much policy like? Why, like it went to character so fast, and I think this exercise was like really cool in terms of just like being able to look people in the eye. I trust them, but how do we move from a space where we can get more people to engage because that's change is going to happen. Not can keep happening, but just ass feel safe. You gotta make him feel safe to do it and that means meeting them where they are instead of asking him to meet you where you are, I ask him: what's important, do them? Listen, listen, listen and bring him along and you gotta be curious and let them Did you really want to understand them? If I want
to engage people funding? Ok, I know that I have to make fun of the: u s so the way that I do a focus group. As I begin with tommy the thing I hate most about america and they feel so bad when their done trashing america, that for the rest, that they want to tell me what I'm asking for a. The ghosts so much farther than pride. I think it's interesting that the latter will. We talked about this kind of like stuff. from issues social media, the internet, like that. That seems to be a problem, but I'm curious because you talk, how our generation we have so much information like, but of the readily available we can make, If anyone on the other side of the world, you talked about cyberbullying and where's, the balance like how much, how much trust do we really have to put in social media or is it is more of a problem that prevents us from doing things like this. Well understood the twentieth season, the my show and when I started it
There wasn't any instagram, tik tok twitter. None of that existed. I think it's a trade off. Things coming at a very high price in terms of interpol, no skills, I'm really worried about it. No, they call it w w the world wide web. I think it's the wild wild web. I think the fact did it so unregulated and people like think I read it on the internet, is gonna, be true warship, true I trust the web more than it has their own doctor. You that's why you know you got a problem: the people. We're not vaccinated right! Now, it's still more than twenty percent of america, The number one source of information for them is the web, and Three percent of all statistics are made up on the spot and this was part of the seventeen for based on the way here.
you here today do you feel that their actual hope for bridging that that gap between us do you have hope our generation cause. I know you don't, but one day really hope you I have more hope because of this conversation, some of you are bright as hell, and I want you, my class I have listened to your pudding for your arguments in the star. did you know For those of you said here and did not participate, I don't know why, because you're not going to make things better unless you get involved, detention back and forth. Is unnecessary, cut it out. For those of you Participating in it, but I thank you that education, I hope so and as such, it really is a privilege to be able to do this, and you know. yeah. How is to sit next to him? Well, just though a more optimistic than he is and now that I'm workin on him- and I gotta tell you he's
he's he's move it a little bit like I said I hear what isn't said and I think I've been a lot of people that didn't come out that have really been processing a lot what's going on tonight and I think the fact that their here is participating really come in those that are here. Even if you didn't talk tonight, that's all of effort to be here on Friday night, can listen a couple of guys talking. I mean that's pretty good. I give everybody credit for being here and I am optimistic about Generation are more optimistic after the night and it was forgot. Your nose optimism forgot here. So, thank you all for coming the.
Transcript generated on 2022-12-08.