« Phil in the Blanks

Defining Your External Factors: Living By Design Part Three

2023-04-11 | 🔗

Continue uncovering your authentic self with Dr. Phil in part three of his "Living By Design" series. You can trace who you've become in this life to external factors: 10 defining moments, seven critical choices, and five pivotal people. But first, it's essential to understand what each term means and how to identify each of the factors. Dr. Phil will then take you through his Five-Step Action Plan that will put you on the right path to creating your life from the inside out!

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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
I want to take a pause here to give you a quick preview of what airing today on doktor phil ticklish the twenty five year old officer gibson was gunning down a federal jury. They are both parents Richardson and for ron claiborne not guilty of Alan gibson's murder. Yet they're spending life in prison, Allen's daughter, believes the right. Two men are behind bars the thought of each parent's insurance family for the first time. These people lie to you had nothing to do with the death. Defying doctor Phil check your local listings and for more on today's tv episode log on to dr phil dot com now back to fill in the blanks. Are you do what you're doing today, primarily because it's what you were doing yesterday, not because it's what you want to do but because it's what you are already doing, are you living and assigned life instead of an authentic lie. you need something that you are so excited about so passionate about that, you did
One asleep fast is just like you. Just one the red go get back up. I want to get back in the game. I don't want to waste time sleep. I won in the game, I wanna be in life. I want to get moving and if that's not the case, you need to change the case may we are bad for living by design. This is number three actually, so if you ve been number one in too of course, you go into the library and listen to them. I decided to do this. As so many of you, have written in and said to me that boy I wish I could to sit down and just have a conversation with
not necessarily having to deal with a story that you're talking about. I find the stories really interesting and I'm going to keep watching, but sometimes without having to deal with a specific fact pattern. I'd like to just kind of talk about what your philosophy is, that You bring to all these stories. You been dealing with on the air, and I decided to this really do that and talk about what my whilst the years that our brain to those challenges, I face one of the things that have talked about living by design. One in two is, I think it so important that we be we mean to be and that we do it on purpose, be who you are and do it on purpose, I don't want you to go through your life being reactive, all the time get to the end of your life and look back and say: did I wake up.
decide, I'm gonna be who I'm gonna be, and I'm gonna do it on purpose, as opposed to just reacting to what was put in front of you every day, no steel in this mobile society, most people never tried. for more than a hundred miles from where their born most people, Who in their lives what their parents did or what their family does as a profession Even in this highly mobile society, you know they say: Jesus Christ never travel more than fifty miles in his. Tire life Their body moved by foot or on mules or donkeys or whatever back then, but yet still today, we are very much reactive to what's put in front of us every, they and I want to challenge that? I want you to live by design and I mean you're decide at the end of it.
But as I never too, I challenge you to ask yourself if you're living authentically. or are you living and assigned life? And that's what I mean by that when I say authentically, I think every one of us has a purpose and passion. and it's our job to discover what that is. Sometimes that's because it's what our shrieks are we've, we got to find what we're really good at nasa. We need to do, and sometimes it's something that we just discussed by casting about you, does have all heard me say that my father was a really bad alcoholic say that is a victim was what it was, but as a result of that in my formative years, not one Did he ever take me fishing? Did he ever take me hunting to the ever. Take me camping. Did he ever take me to do any of those sorts of things, and so I never had any idea any exposure
to see whether or not that was something that I was really interested in. So when robin, and I had our boys, J and Jordan, I made it. My way its mission to expire, those them to every kind of activity that I could possibly think, even though I had it only thing about camping. I took them camping and by the way, if you ve ever been being you wanna, be sure you set up your tat on a flat space. You know how to be on either they even as a six degree. We we camped burst, I'm on the side of the hill. I spent all night trying not to roll down the damn hill, but our to expose you uttered them. Capping took him fishing. I took em honey everything burdening turkey, adding deer hunting. I never pull the trigger as I don't like shoot things, but I'll expose them to everything. Some of it
some of it doesn't both of em love to fish. I took him scuba diving. I did everything I could to give them a chance to find out what they were authentically interested in and not here, of them. Do just what I did, because that was for me for them. So I wanted them to discover that's what I'm talking about as I've said before. What are you doing? What you're doing today? Not because it you want to do today, but because it's what you were doing yesterday, are you doing what you're doing today, because that's what has been put in front of you and you just got into the habit. You just got into the momentum of it That's why I've said. Let's talk about how you got to be who you are now I'm gonna to talk to you right now about some very important things that have to do with how you got to be who you are. I said there are some important numbers. What I mentioned to you before I said, if you are forty years old county.
Leap years, you have lived. Fourteen thousand six hundred and ten days but those days, don't all stick out most evermore like wallpaper all your day, run together. Tell me what we're doing on march forth in the third grade, you don't remember that unless something really big happened, what I want to talk to you about are three very important numbers: ten, seven and five ten defining moments, seven critical choices and five pivotal. People that you have met in your life. These ten defining moments have had a profound impact on you, the seven critical choices you ve made that have determined where you wound up today and the five pivotal people that have written on. slate of who you are there, our moments which mark your lives moments when you realise nothing will ever be the same in time,
I'm is divided into two parts before This moment happened and after this moment happened. That is a defining moment. it's something that occurred where you are One way before it happened in a different way after it happened lasting way, that changed you wherever they rode on you in indelible ain't, nothing could erase it and if you're in adult, I promise you There are ten of those things that have happened in your life chin moments that changed you Maybe it was a positive moment. Maybe it was a negative moment, maybe was just an awakening, but I can promise you there have been too. moments in your life where's Something happened that change do. Maybe it was a of innocence. Maybe it was something that a due to the way the world works. Maybe
something that caused you to have a light bulb come on over your head. Maybe it was a law you suffered or something that you achieved in something that you gained There was a moment in your life that change. Who you were, and that is what I call a defining moment, it's not like any other moment in your life, and I did it. ask you to make a list. I want you to start writing down in all this. Gonna be on the website afterwards and will give you some coffee she's to ask yourself. So you can figure out. What's a defining moment, What is not what to do Few questions are, I help you think your way through that you're going start out with maybe a list of twenty or thirty, and then you go parent it down and say. Well now, wait a minute. This one doesn't stay on the list, because this one's more important in that one and this one's more important than that one and you're going to figure out what those tat are in these very, very, important by the time we get to talking today, so just think about it, but just realise there are ten
What's in your life that have had a profound effect on who you are. Is your listening to these words right now, and then there have been seven choices and here's how the critical choices differ from the defining moment, defining moments kid and whether you're doing anything or not, you can just be sitting there and it happens. It is to be sitting out on a curve in your house burns down and everything in it and that's a defining moment in your life, but with a critical choice. You make the choice. You're, now active, you're now affirmatively, choosing something you step up and say: I'm either going to college or I'm not, I mean they're gonna get married or I'm not either go to have sex at fourteen or I'm not you, choices along the way and seven of those choices have been critical. Indeterminate
Who you are right now and think it? It is we're talking here. The first few will come very quickly, will be real clear for you when you save on auto insurance for driving save at? U s a safe, you feel like a baby, even in traffic jams, save up to thirty percent, with you as a safe by the citizens, For me, I said my father was an alcoholic and I made a decision really early on. I wasn't going to drink. is that you know what I've seen in this brilliant man. This great athlete use see pictures of by dad you talk about a stir. This guy could run through a brick wall. Then I looked at what it did to him.
I made a critical choice right then, and I said you know what I'm just not going down that road, so I'm a teetotaller- and I don't judge people who drake out think I have a friend that doesn't and very few of them to access. So I'm not saying that just millie about other people. I don't think there's nothing wrong with almost anything in moderation, but for me I made that critical choice. I'm glad I did it worked for me that probably wasn't what are your critical choices? That's ok! But that was a critical choice May I made it over fifty years ago, so you ve gotta, ask yourself What are your seven critical choices? Was it to get married? Was it to have children? Was it to get a job? and stood a go to. College was to go to college instead of get a job. Was it to walk in two? Building with some friends when you knew they were gonna rob the place. Was it too
go somewhere with somebody when you knew they were gonna do drugs. What was it? What were the critical choices you made was it to accept? Christ is your personal savior? What to start a family Is it to marry this guy instead of that guy this woman instead of that woman? What was the critical choice? This is going to be real, important and you're. Going to have to learn what makes it critical What makes it critical is it? It had a lasting impact on who you are, as your listing to this part guess is your listening to me. Talk right now because, had you not aid it or head you made choice, be instead of ay, you would be a different part and then you are right now and in the third. In this trilogy are the five pivotal people that you ve met in your life, five people that have been so pivotal that they have
written on the slate of who you are five people that had such a profound impact on you buy people that wrote on the slide of who you are that it affected your self worth your self esteem, your definition, your car it's. What you did in your life? How you feel That's your life, these people. Maybe they were pivotal in that they were positive. Maybe they were pivotal that they were negative and maybe they were both. Maybe they were profoundly positive and they were also profoundly negative. I've talked of many women whose fathers were profoundly positive in their lives until he molested them, and then he became the most negative pivotal person in their entire life, but yet they can not forget
what he did for them. Up to that point, I sat recently and had an interview with the bt k killers, daughter, BT k, stood for bind, torture and kill. Here was this man? that was one of the most feared serial killers in history, but he took her to the lake. He took her camping. He went to her school programmes. He did everything with her And the day she found out that this predator in their community that she was afraid of every night, was the very man she was sitting down at the dinner table with edna. now that he is such a feared and horrific force in her life. She will tell you that this day that she still remembers him as daddy before,
she found out that he had murdered families and raped and tortured women peripherally, so a person can be both positive and negative, but who are the five pivotal people in your life, and probably one or both of your parents will be on that list? Those are easy, and maybe you don't even want to put them on the list to begin with, because those who cannot givens, but who else had a profound effect in your life? I can tell you for me: I moved to Kansas city when I was a sophomore in high school. I went to a very large high school. and a lot of these kids had grown up on the football team they played together and pop warner. They played together and we called
junior high, you now call it middle school. They just grown up together. They had been all as a unit and then here comes this kid from out of town and this kid from out of town doesn't fit in here I was the outsider, but yet. There was one coach, one coach that paid attention to me, for some reason, does I mean I was like way down. I started out like on him these strings. There were thirty. Forty whatever was, I was on the bottom in ireland. where the day he said to the head coach, you said you were gonna put kid in their he's caught every ball you throw within five yards of? Are women drills and you ve? Never let him run down. Had he not done that. Had he not gotten me in that line up
would never had a chance to play And I needed that currency because I was an outsider, I didn't know anybody I didn't have any way to fit in and as the next two or three years went by, he turned out to be a profound influence in my life. He was a protector of mine. He was a mentor of mine. He kept in high school. Even after the football season is over your senior year, I swear, I would have dropped out because I was bored with school. It had nothing to offer me. I had no interest in it. but he made sure, even though he had no use for me, he had already transferred to another school. He was doing something else. He sure I got it would school every day. He made sure that I stayed the course I did get along with it,
coach I did get along with some of those guys. It were in power at the time when it came time for recruiting he got together with me. He got together with my parents and he set my tapes out was a pivotal person in my life. I respected that man. He taught me about hard work. He taught me about integrity in here a guy that just out of hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of athletes he reached out to this kid from out of town and had a profound impact.
It made me feel good about who I was made me believe in myself on that football field made me believe in myself, as a student made me believe in myself, as someone that had a future was coach, John Davis, shawnee mission, north high school in Kansas city, a fine man and a fine football coach, he eventually went to shawnee mission south, then I stayed in touch with him. I said in touch with his family after he recently passed away a pivotal person in my life so who good for you. For me, my father was both positive and negative. You know I've said he was a bad alcoholic which row bottle a lot of bad things for me, but at the same time he was one of the hardest working people in mind. Higher life? I never saw anybody work as hard as he did when he Sober there was
Oh machine gun nasty wooden charge. There was no heel, he wouldn't climb. There was nothing he wouldn't do to provide for his family. There was no task that would intimidate him and, as you think, about the people in your life, no, this there is a purpose for everyone. You meet. Some people come into your laughed test. You some to teach you some to use you and some to bring out the very best in you. It's your job to know the difference and, as you go through all the people that you have encountered all the people that you ve come to no figure out who these pivotal people are now. Why is this so important? Why am I spinning
So much time on getting you to figure out what have been the ten most defining moments in your life, the seven most critical choices you ve made and the five most pivotal people you ve ever met. Well, I'm gonna tell you why, because these are the external factors have shaped the identity of who you are. We talk about were self esteem identity, but we all- he's talk about it in the abstract. We don't break it down in terms of how we got to be that way Maybe you go through life angry? Maybe you go through life with a chip on your shoulder. Maybe you go through. Life manager people by intimidation, maybe you're a people pleaser. Maybe you go through life- is whatever it takes. Tell people they want to hear, go along, don't assert yourself, don't make waves cause. Maybe if you dont make
These people will let you stay around. Everybody has Lastly, it but has a way of staying in this world, but we never know exactly why we are that way, instead of some other way something but were leaders. Some people are followers. Some people are supporters. Some people are those that just have to be out front, be the centre of attention. But its critical, that you understand why you turned out to be the person you are the person reality, that you are. Why things that matter to you matter and things it don't matter to you doubt if you're listening to this end right now you ve got two kids in your mother or father, raising them they're, good and parents raising them instead of you, because you are into drugs and alcohol. If you ever ask yourself why why other people you went to school with finish each gotta career drive at a nice car where a nice close giving money
to charity, making contributions to their community and on the other hand, are so. in the life out of everything that you touch. or maybe you're the one. That's a constant giver and you're. Looking at these people over here that are just takers. They bleed society. They come into ruin. It feels like somebody left, everybody talks about it, but no but he understands how you got to be that way. When you stay out of our van, you always get the whole home, not part of it, but the whole upstairs the whole downstairs the whole fridge the whole backyard and the whole nap room, because is it really a vacation home if you have to share it with the hosts only whole vacation homes? Always all yours book on the barbell app
you identify your tend to fighting moments, seven critical choices and the five pivotal people that have written on a slight of who you are you're, going to begin to understand how you got to who you are, is your listening to my voice right now, and that is critically important, because it's going to unlock the mystery of whether or not you are living who you are authentically meant to be, or if you are vegan assigned life that you were expected to live, that your parents wanted you to live, that your family expected you to do that life just expected you to do if your dad was in the pipe fitters union- and you were just expected to get, the pipe fitters union when you grew up? If your mother was a nurse and you it is expected to be a nurse what you
Really wanted to do is what you're doing right now, what you really want to do, and here's the biggest danger What if you spend your entire life working to achieve something? You don't want what, if you become the best attacked in your state and will all of these architectural awards and you get to end of your life, and somebody says: concur and you live your life and became a best architects
if the state has ever seen and you're sitting there thinking yeah, but it isn't even almost what I wanted to do. I didn't give a damn about architecture. It was just kind of assigned to me by life. I took an aptitude test, one time they said you're good at drawing buildings, and I became an architect, but it is what I wanted to do. It was what I was expected to do. I don't want that to happen to you. And this breaks down the external factors that shape you like cattle going through a shoot get up heard of cattle out on open rage. You got all these cowboys drive and heard, and their driving into a shoot. They all passion that shoot, so they can be counted. The external
actors in your life been driving you through a shoot. Are you doing what you really want to do or you being driven? Are you being driven through a shoot. Yeah, we all live to a script. I live in hollywood now so scripture all around me how bad you do you have a script for your life? If you don't, you should have. And I can tell you where this living by design is all headed. It's all here the main challenging you'd a star in your own wife. I won't star in your own wife. I don't know if you're gonna be a school teacher an auto mechanic or I diver or a movie actress or a doctor, a lawyer, a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker. I don't know,
what ever it is that you are authentically called? Do you have to do so? I want a star in my own wife I want you to walk on the red carpet, a your life. I want you to be a star in your life yourself. Do you feel like a star in your life? Because of you starring in your life. Somebody is every life. Somebody stars in that life, it's your life, you oughta, be the star approach. Wish you are star in my life and I started my life before I got on television. I was a trial scientists before I did. This worked in Nagoya, systems I worked pickin juries and do in trials strategy, and that sort of thing I guarantee you. I felt like a star in what I was doing there. I worked at it I'd
voted myself to it in I studied it and I hope my skills then I did all the things. I felt like I needed due to be the best. What idea? Maybe was maybe I wasn't, but I believe that I was and I had the confidence that I was and I felt like a star people Would ask me: are we going to win this case? I'd, say: they're right, we're going to win. Might as well tell your client that, because you don't they're, gonna fire, you anyway, so happy that I felt like a star you need to start. Your love is not about being cocky. You don't even need to tell anybody else that you're the star. You just need to know that you're, the star and here's. What that entails. You can look at is ten seven and five and you're going to say: okay, looking at those defining moments, I understand why I am the way I am, and I'm going to talk to you in a little bit about what you can do to change that if you will
what change it may be, some of 'em, you like you, want to keep some of them. You want to change the influence they've had on you, but we have to know 'em in order to operate on them in order to change the influence. If we want to change it, you first have to understand when you look and look at the tend to find, moment you go, oh now, I understand the reason. I am the way I am and social situations now. I understand the reason I behaved I do in my career. now. I understand why the way I do what I'm under stress, what our face a crisis. why react the way I do when people give me complements whether I accept them, gracefully, unsafe Like you or whether I go now, you know you gave a compliment. What you to understand, why you do the things you do at the different walks of life and what you see, what you're defining what was been you're gonna go. Oh now
see that you look at your critical choices. You gonna go, I didn't get here, but accident. I made choices. It landed me here and here's a good news. I could make seven new critical choices and these five pivotal people they not a slight of who you are, but you know what you ve got an eraser and here's what that requires if you're, not to be a prisoner of your two and seven five, you gotta make two decisions. One is you ve gotta make decision that you're gonna live authentically and do that,
you're going to have to assess where you are and I'm going to put a test on the website and that test is called the congruity test. The congruity test is going to ask you if you were living your authentic life, one hundred percent, which nobody does that we all have to do things we don't want to do. But it's going to ask you if you were living your authentic life, what you wanted to do, what a passionate about one hundred percent? What would that entail and there's a way that I have to get to that you'll see when you get there and then it's going to ask you ok, now give me the descriptors of what your life is really like and we're going to compare the two and the difference is how
Jim congruity, there is between the way you're living and your authentic life. You have an authentic self and you have a fictional self, and the fictional self is what you ve been aside. The authentic self is what you want to do, and I'm gonna help. You determine that, so you can see how can grow it. Am I being with what I Thirdly, we want to do so. I said you do two things. One is to figure out how authentically you're living and here see other to be willing to get out of your comfort zone. You have to be willing to get out of your comfort zone, and everybody has a comfort zone have touched on this just very briefly before, but think about it. We tend to do that which makes us comfortable,
and everybody has a comfort zone, a life, a lifestyle, that's comfortable for them, largely its riven by income were very income stratified. If you get somebody that makes a hundred thousand dollars a year, they live in neighborhoods, where people that make a hundred thousand algae or live, If they make fifty thousand dollars a year, they live in. Neighborhoods were people that make fifty thousand dollars a year. Live. They have friends, it make fifty thousand dollars a year. They drive cars that people who make fifty thousand dollars a year drive, and you know what they are. Targeted by the retail machine with ads for things that people who might fifty thousand dollars a year by trust me K, mart war, mark. They don't send adds to the same people that sex fifth avenue and even marcus it adds to they. Don't you may think,
that's, fair or unfair. You may think that stereotyping or whatever, but our promise you if you dont, think name and markets and sex fifth avenue. Look at the zip codes. They're sending add to and look at the value of homes and demographics of the income promise you they do. They send different adds to different parts of the town. They just know what the buying patterns are, and you know what the number one thing is. It keep people in their comfort zone. Is it well? You D said they get comfortable well, the number one fear in all people is your filling in the blank failure, really its rejection, which is just kind of sudden and thus with failure because think about this. If you go out into the world and you offer you
skills, you all for your services, you open a business, you go for a job and your turn down. You fail. The whirl says I don't want to buy your goods. I don't want your services than their rejecting you. There I don't want what you have to offer these are well I fail. Will the other have rejected you? They set out a what Skills- skill set- I don't want your abilities at all. What would you have to offer? So you would think that that's a number one thing that keep people in your comfort zone, but it's really not Research tells us something different race its tells us that what keeps people in their comfort zone is the pressure that, if they reach out of their comfort zone and do better that now, there are expected keep it up, because we what I said people it make fifty thousand a year, have fifty thousand dollar your friends, houses, cars and buying patterns and.
All of a sudden they reach out, it covers only require more themselves and they make seventy five a year. Now there are expected to where different close by different cars get a bigger house, maybe have different france and now their fear is, can I keep it up? Can I keep it up? So a big part of the comfort zone is not just the risk of failure when you reach out of the comfort zone? There's also fear of success. What if I do better. Now I got all the pressure to keep it up, so their fear of success and their sphere of failure. What's keeping you in a comfort zone.
I'll tell you a bird sitting on a tree is never afraid the branch is gonna break out from under them because they trust not the branch. They trust their wings to be able to fly away if the branch breaks the bird, never trust the tree. The bird Press their wings, they don't know anything about comfort zone because they're, just birds, they know how to fly. So when you look at your ten seven five and it tells you that's why you are where you are then you ve got to say is that ok is that my office. self or am I being in, could grow it and I want more things, and it's not just about money
you have always said the only thing worse than being a bad relationship for a year is, be it in a bad relationship for a year and one day you don't want to be in a bad relationship right, but sometimes we get in a comfort zone and will stay in a bad relationship. Why Because we're already in it we I want to be in it, but we read it yesterday and this decision to deal with the dire deal with it tomorrow. Please turn into weeks and weeks, tournaments, mercer, nanda years now you made each other miserable, You got really stupid and had children, you know you lord happy you decided well was to have children and then maybe that'll fix our problem. So now you've got a kid born with job. How idiotic is that so instead of dealing with reality, you stayed together is did one face it
and they have a child. So they brought somebody else into the situation at damage. Their their comfort sounds rather than just money. And they get out of your comfort zone? You ve gotta, be honest with people about who you are what you want and how you expect to be treated. Standards only scare off people that are not meant for you. If you don't put standards up, because you think they. Let me stay as long as I'm low maintenance, but if I start requiring things from people let me stay than those people are met for you, you get it your comfort zone relationship wise one day. You will meet the right person and suddenly your health will improve closed doors will open new relationships will blossom, goals will be reached and prayers we'll be answered, things will start to happen because you're, not a comfort zone relationship,
as the minute you realize you're worth, you shift your energy to attract the people who respect your worth, but it starts with you. First, you ve got it. How do you comfort zone with you? First S, most important relationship, you'll ever having your life. So if you can start reshaping things do you realize what your two and seven five has done? Who this has made? You turned out to be you'll, never change it. If you're not willing to get your comfort zone mentally emotionally, physically, financially relationship wise. Even in your relationship with god, you've gotta be willing to say your god. I'm I'm willing to talk to you and I'm not I'm not going to say I'm unworthy. I won't even prey to you. You ve got. willing to say. God loves everybody, including me, I'm willing to put myself out there and say god, I'm worthy of your time. I want to talk to him that a prey to you, so it's for your spiritual relation.
Chip and your worldly relationship. No one is ever to busy you're just not. Portent enough. If whoever your Where do they say: oh they're, just too busy they're, not too busy you're, just not important enough, and you have to acknowledge that. I tell you one of the big mistakes I've ever made in my life is letting people I and my life bar. Longer than they deserve to, because I was in the comfort zone relationship lies the challenge ample In front of you is you need to learn the difference between what you're getting in what you deserve? Think about what I said you ve got to learn the difference between what you're getting in what you deserve it at all begins and ends in your mind. What you give power too, has power over you we all live in this social platform world. Now, if you give power
our two, whether you have a lot likes and dislikes. If you give power in your mind, then has power over you. You live in the public eye, I'm in front of millions of people every week. Every day I mean like thirty, five forty million people a week. And a great my paper every day and they publish the great it's called the overnight in hollywood, they publicity overnight. They watch your show the count up all the evil that watched it and they publish that every day have a grade. My paper, everyday, publish it for the world to see there have all these message. Boards and all these places that people go and they render their opinions on the job I did and how well they think I did it how much power that has over me and how I feel about myself as a function of how much power I give that in my mind, and fortunately I am not one of those people at least to be loved by strangers,
I do what I think and believe in my mind and- heart is the right thing to do is at all is right, of course, not hell, no, but always in good faith wrong. I just do it over, but up monsieur somebody's gonna have a problem with what you do. No matter what you do so you might as well do what you want to do and then means getting out your comfort zone. It means requiring people to treat you with dignity and respect means you're going to ask for what you want. You gotta, get what you deserve instead of just was being handed out to you so So the external factors that determine who you turned out to be and whether you're living authentically or whether you're, not the external factors, you ten defining moment you seven critical choices, you five pivotal people identify what they are and then
europe and say well, how has that affected? Who I am today house affected, who I am today it's really hard in this day and time, because we get such immediate feedback because of social media, and you have to remember that. you're a role model, particularly of your parent, and you have kids there really ended his social media. You may not be so much into it, although
I bet you probably are, but I can promise you. Your kids are, even if your kids are twenty five or thirty and certainly have their fifteen. Sixteen seventeen therein, the social media and there can be some defining moments created on social media and there can be some critical choices that involve social media, have been to capitol hill, to testify for reauthorization of the elementary and secondary education act, and they were wanting know what my thoughts were about allocating money to cyber bullying, because so many kids were being impacted by cyber bullying.
You know, I said I'm not one of those people that needs to be loved by strangers. Will how about you? How about your children? If you're somebody that needs to be loved by somebody, you don't even know, then you need to really look at your ten seven five and look for what is it? That's happened in your life that is made you vulnerable. That is made you hungry, for the approval of people that you don't even know. If I'm not saying I don't want, thereby love me, everybody wants hereby let what I'd be great. Would it be great? If you went the cafeteria, thereby stood up and applauded gray. Would it pull two a red light and everybody got out of their car and start cheering you all that you do a great job, stopping well that'd be great, but that's just stuff. The way it works, not every he loves you, not everybody even notices you and then you get people that are internet trolls, a native, spend their time. Picket on people have dealt with
So many stories were, kids are cyber bullied to death. That would be a defining moment, wouldn't it and a critic the choice to stay plugged into that crap and listen to people bully and you're? Picking on you? Those are the kind of critical choices that we face today that weren't even in existence. When I started doing DR phil, things have changed, but what I'm asking you to do is go look it by the way, I'm not booming. You dont, like yourself. What I'm saying is you need to know how you got to be, who you are, whether you like yourself or whether you don't because it's important that you understand your makeup nobody's perfect. Everybody has room to improve, everybody has room to grow and we all improve with clarity and understanding these external factors have.
and on the slate of who you are and when you go through these you're going to pick out some things that you go wow that has eroded my car. But it's where that has made me suspicious you're paranoid or vulnerable or oversensitive whatever it might be. So I want to talk to you now about a five step plan of how to change that its very doable. The first thing you have to do, as I say, late the target. What is it about a year ten, seven five pick one thing list, not tragically tall buildings at a single boundless pick. One thing start start witless isolated target. What is that has happened to you that as left a negative them. its eroded? Your confidence? It's bad! You questioned yourself, it's caused you to stay in a comfort zone, its kept you from reaching your full potential, whatever it may be, it was a defining moment occur.
The choice or a pivotal person that somehow another has left you being less than you wish. You were its kept you from being authentically who you are, let's identify what it is, and then and this gets a little bit into internal factors. I introduce this concept last time is that of internal guy. What do you say to yourself about it? You have to deal with that. and you remember last time I told you you have to test your thoughts for rationality You test him for rationality, but you test him for authenticity is well is what
You're doing as a product that ten seven five of it are theoretically what you want to do if you're working as a office worker, if you're working as a teacher, if you're working as a pilot, if you working is what ever the third step is, is what I'm doing as a product of what I am unified, authentically. What I wanna do. Is this really? What I want to do- or am I just doing it because it is expected and forced step, is what I call aaa. It is to generate an authentically, acceptable, alternative aaa. aaa behaviour here. This isn't thinking this is behind you're triple a behavior authentically acceptable alternative. If you are going to continue
you doing what it is you're doing because of what was not a slave who you are. What could you authentically do? That would be an acceptable alternative. If it's made you people pleaser. If it's made you stay in a relationship because you just don't want to assert your real leads. What would be an authentically acceptable alternative? And you might say you know what took phil. I just don't like being a prisoner to these four children. They me well, one thing you could do is say: ok, kids, let's get the car pray go for a ride. You could take up to them all drop em off and never go back. Ok, That would be one alternative, but it's not authentically acceptable, abandon need your children might seem like a fun, fantasy and
Moment but it is not authentically acceptable because that's not who you are What you have to do is say: how can I redefine this relationship? How can I stop being a slave to them. You stay in a relationship, but you redefine it where you're right skewered asserted. Instead of just their rights being asserted, and that brings us to the big one. Is the big when this is number five, and I love this one this. where you generate an m e r m e r, as in minimal effective response, you figure, out what is the least thing I can do, that is effective, minimal, effective response. We do need a kill, mosquitoes was shot, guns were
Is the least thing I can do that will change? situation in the direction of authenticity, though a shock to an example that might be helpful. I've always said to people that you should not let the sun set on you another day, if you haven't said and or done everything you need to say and or do with the people that mean something to you in your life. I say that because we take life for granted, we assume- Tomorrow or this weekend, we can go, tell mom and dad that we love them and appreciate what they ve done force in our lives, that we can tell our spouse, how much they mean to us or our children or our best friend, or are brothers or sisters. But the truth is we're not in control of and we don't know if you or they will be alive at the end of this, since I don't
Oh, that I will be alive at the end of this, since we don't know that. And that's why I always say: if there's something you I need to say: if there's something you need to do, do it do it now, because there may not be a tomorrow, though, you may think that sounds awfully morbid, but the fact of the matter is it's not. I've talked about my dad and I did practice what I preach. In that regard, I did get to say the things I needed to say to him before he passed. Some of it was offloading some feelings and venting, and some of it was telling him how much
If he had meant to me and what he had taught me may be one of the critical choices you have on your list is that you didn't do that until it was too late and you may taken will DR phil I wish We have had this conversation a year ago, but sadly, my mother father is past, and so I don't have that opportunity. Well, you know what you do you do, what you can maybe right them away. Maybe go cemetery and you read it. Maybe you tell it to people who love them. I don't know you find that minimal. Effective response, Maybe your father hurt you and is still alive, and you say: well, ok, I can go over there in march in his office,
shop where he works or whatever and tell him knows too knows you son of a bitch. Well, ok, that might be a shot gun with a mosquito, take it in step wise fashion. What is your minimal effect? Your response, maybe he's who you need to write a letter to your first write. The letter then ask yourself Do I need to mail it and If you mail it, maybe that's enough wanted a heart. Things I've ever done in my life is to forgive people who never even knew they transgressed against me. and I never even told him I was for giving them. I just did it. That was my. U are I you need to do that in my heart. I didn't need to tell them, but if I needed
Tell them I would have. So. What are the five steps here said you go to your tents, avid five and as such it on their that you say: ok that right there that has written on the slide of who I am that has made me. Different than I wish I authentically was step, It was you audit what you're saying to yourself about it and then step three. Is you test whether the result has been authentically rational. is what you are saying and doing authentically rational and then aaa. What is your off their take, except the bull alternative if you dont want to continue doing that? What can you do that? Are then it to you that is acceptable.
Then what's the Emmy are the minimal? Effective response is gonna. Let you out of prison, because what you give Our in your mind has power over you that prison door, locks from the inside it does a lot from the outside. It lacks from the inside next up, I'm gonna talk about the internal factors that determine who you are and how you got to be. That way today have talked about the external factors: the tin, seven five. These are the external factors going to put on the website a congruity tests. So you can measure just how far also often take you are living. I'm gonna put on their how to test each of the ten cents,
five to determine whether or not it has written on a slight of who you are in a negative way and I'm gonna put on their the five steps that you need to go through to change that. So you can move towards authenticity and something I've noticed already This is just the third one of these that I've done this living by design series, but there. a real community building out there around this. I have got so many emails and calls and people stopping me on the street and people any oddy. Said the show we our building community here, and I do want to hear from you so please you can post the website. You can get messages to me on twitter and facebook in instagram, and you can post on the message boards on the villain bikes website.
Tell me what your questions are and I will answer them of curate. Those things will put the categories and I'll answer, because I'm so thrilled that were built in such a community at their around this excited about that. and I want to hear from you and I want to know if something upsets not clear. Did you want to hear more about just? Let me know if you've got specific questions, let me know and I'll answer them. I'm very excited to be doing this living by design series as part of fill in the blanks so I'll, be looking for you next tuesday. It's your subscribe so these things will drop every time we put him up. Tell a friend gave us
five star rating: we appreciate that and I'll see you guys next week. Businesses need to think beyond that. That's my atp uses data driven insights to design hr solutions to help your business find more success tomorrow. Hr time, talent, benefits, table atp always designing for people
Transcript generated on 2023-05-25.