On this encore episode, Dr. Phil "Phil's in the Blanks" in your life. I'm helping you live your best life by moving your position from being right to being happy, teaching life laws, and more. See omnystudio.com/policies/listener for privacy information.
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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Hey this is an affront to sack senior podcast producer for fill in the blanks doktor fail as off the MIKE this week, so we're playing and on core of one of his favorite episodes living by design. One in this episode, you'll learn the importance of taking care of yourself so that you can take care of other people how you can live on purpose and your purse truth, remember, worksheets, were living by design, can be found that doctor fill in the blanks dot com enjoy the show, but he's ass kid, and I have all of these secrets that I don't want anybody to know and by comparison always came in second, ask yourself how much fun or you to live with. The last thing you want to do is miss me. I need such that you wind up emotionally bankrupt and become emotionally unavailable, you're, the only one.
You need to control to change from being right to be unhappy, said, fill in the blanks I meant fill in different kinds of blanks. Sometimes Still in the blanks and other people's lives, but this time I'm starting its areas where I'm talkin about filling in the blanks in your lives not somewhat. Else's lives, you're alive, and this is a series of I want you to get something out of look. I can't saying I can't dance I can't even draw a straight line. So that means I talk to somebody. They gotta get something out of it, because you're not looking at me, for I, candy and I guess I can't entertain you with singular dancing. So what is it? I want you to get out of this? I want you get out of this bill in the blank series. An edge I want you to get an edge, any your life and here's the thing
Stage I want you to get. I want you to be able to figure out who you are and how you got to be, who you are where you are now think about that. You know what you do you know your job as your mom you're a dad Europe, but you're a Baker candlestick migrate. Candor architecture, a teacher, that's what you do. That's not who you are so I want you to know who you who are and more important how you got to be there and I'm gonna tell you how we're going to figure this out. I can help you figure out that distinction. I've gotta give you some tools to do that, and the first thing I would ask you to do- is move your position stay. What I mean by that, I want you to fill this sentence in for me. How would you complete the sins? I would read. Be right. Then black think about that. Rather be right. Then black there are guaranteed
you, ninety percent plus, have you finished that sends this way. You said I'd rather be right, then wrong. Of course, you'd rather be right and wrong it. Nobody wants to be wrong if you're, an army or you're picking out something you always want to be right, so you'd finish that sends rather be right and wrong. I watch move your position just for the time that your listing made a day and for the rest of as living by design series. What I want you to do is think about it, I want you to finish the sentence this way. I don't want you, I'd rather be right and wrong. What I want she d say? Is would rather be happy. Then right now, that's very different. I would rather be happy than right. Look. We have enough right fighters. We had enough people
but the other right right right back right, right right there always right, always gotta, be right. God, don't you you sick of those people who write all the time. I don't want you to be one of those other wants you be right. I want you to be happy. I mean you might get an argument. Your guidance. I get air got no tattoo shut up. Do what I tell you may be right, because you're the parrot, but does it make you happy? Does it make your family happy? So I would ask you to move your position just for the time we're Talkin, doing, instead of being so committed to being right in terms of evaluating everything, I talk to you about in terms of whether what I'm telling you is right or wrong. What I want to ask you to do is, look at it in terms of whether what I'm telling you makes you happy, you can be wrong. Again as soon as we very soon as you turn me off, get out of your car finish, your walk. Go back do and if you do, you go back to being But as long as we're talking look at everything I asked,
you to consider in terms of whether or not what you're doing in your life currently and what I might ask you to do in your life moving forward. Does it make you happy, I don't care if it makes you write what I care. Does it make you happy I'm asked you to move your position from being right to being happy and you know what that might just stick you just might decide. You know what I've been ride. All my life it's time to be happy there, they move your position or what do I mean by that? I mean think about it. I can say: ok stand at the hoodie. Your car now moved the troika, your car, that's moving your position, that's what what you do in your attitude. Your mind actually want you to move your position now. What do you have to do to effect this change? from being right to being happy. Well, let's call role, because I want everybody here that needs to be there in order for this to happen, and I guess good news and bad news. It's a short list has the good.
This is the only person you need to make. This change is you Bad news is the only person you need to make this change. Is you wasn't bad news for you It blame anybody, you're, not a victim UK. Well, my wife's gotta changed my husband get. No, they don't know they. Don't they can whatever they want to do you have to be the one to changes, your attitude, maybe they'll change, maybe they won't. But what the call roll on who needs to be involved for use, be enraged, are being happy you're, the only one is involved, you're, the only one did you control and does not work yeah well you're, the only one you need to control the change from being right to be unhappy. So let's just get this. If you go live by design, the design is for you, everybody else you can inspire. I mean you can let them all excited. Maybe they want to follow you? Maybe they don't the only person you controlled. You select plain your house earth. We were by everybody else later by the white. That's always been the case. You have always been
the only person you ever controlled and you have been doing it on purpose you made out. I thought you were, but you have always done this on purpose now. You're, probably- Why is a twelve year old sitting around wondering why people do what they do and don't do what they don't do? I remember the split second. I became obsessed with them We had a football game re now when I was like twelve years old We usually play on saturdays was big rainstorm, so we got rain down it on me. Today the phone rings, and Elevation Army calls and they they do our coach look. We ve got a team over here. We don't get to play all that much and we saw that you guys had your game rain out on Saturday. Could we come over and play a scrimmage game with you on Monday and it goes Well sure, of course we will. I gotta tell you were pretty cocky, we think we're We look good and we we got the best you other black, with a silver strives down the side and black helmets and black wristbands, and I may we
think we're really bad okay. So these guys leaped from the Salvation Army and like three pick up trucks, and it looked like the grapes wrath out there. These kids start fallen out back of these pick. Ups, nothing match. Is there don't have jerseys, none of the helmets match and the kid lines up across from me he's got on a button up shirt for a job Percy and a number on the shirt is for and its on in masking tape. Now I'll tell you how snotty. We were wherein the huddle back there and say: look at this gummy. What that's gonna come off. Why didn't? Do it in magic marker? Well, you didn't do it in magic marker, because that was his shirt. That was one of his shirts. That was his shirt. He had to wear that school the next day. That's why he, the number on in masking tape football pants. He had no football Patsy
all blue jeans up to his knees. So they look like football pants football shoes, no football shoes he had on loafers, so we ve got all this fancy uniforms equipment were taken were so bad and here's this ragtag team, number four lined up across from me, and I gotta tell you when they snap that ball that kid, it, may so hard. It's still hurts when it reins, he hit my shoulder. I thought I'd been hit by a truck at. I got it hell you over the next hour they beta like they were clap and for a barn dance. It was like a truck mate. We probably got beat fifty two dozen, these kids Ray over us like we were nothing we're finished up and I cried over to the car to get in? I looked at my dad said what the hell happened, and he said well boy. You just got yes handed to your planet s. What happened? I said well, yeah
thanks a lot. I was hoping for a little more in depth, analysis the net and he dead son. Those boys are hungry boys! This wanted it more than you did that's what happened and right there that moment, I became envious of those kids from the Salvation Army. In that moment, thought I want what they have and where you that seem. So, funny. Because year I was, we had all the equipment we had grass on the field. These kids had nothing But they were so hungry, I mean they had that I of the tiger inside it members sitting there in the car hurting every part of me hurting thanking you know what, if they, can do so much with so little. How much should I be able to do with so much
I want what they have. Those kids were hungry. They had this desire this. Just I want and when they got a chance to play when they got a chance to be on grass, they wanted to seize that moment and they ate our sack lunch. I got to tell you and it wasn't just, at day, because I made friends with some of those kids and they weren't sitting around feeling, sorry for themselves, they went the extra mile every time they got a chance and trust me of you do something in pattern. If you do something, that's part of your personality, you do it because you get a pay off from it, and these kids gotta pay. Off from being hungry. They got a pay off from being committed. You get a pale, from some way, and if you don't get something out of it, trust me you don't continue to do you're alive won't be made up of things there
Don't pay you off in some way, though, you may no way doktor feel I'm not getting a pay off for this are miserable. Look, I'm not it's a healthy pay off I'm saying you're getting a pay off. It may be a thick pay off you may be sitting on the sidelines, watching life go by and your pay off is you don't have to face the pressure of getting in the game you dont have to face the risk of getting out of your comfort zone. That is hey or is it healthy? No, but it is a pay off. Is a pathological pay off, but it's a pay off. You do so thing that you don't get something out of you. Do You do in your life because in some way you're getting a pay off out of what I you to do is start. Live. Being by design, I want you to have it definition of what success as in your life, so what The things I'm gonna be asking you to do as we move through living by design is figuring out what
your pay off, sir! Look for things you do in pad, and then say what am I getting out of this healthy sick? Otherwise, what's my pay off? Because when you identified a pay off, then you can control the currency and when you control the currency the new control you once you know what your pay off is. You can turn that spic it on and you can turn at Spic it off and that will change what you're doing it will change how you're living what ever you do? Whoever you are do that on purpose? don't just be who you are live whatever life you live by accident, I mean come on own it. To the end of your life in some way, the what you do with your life at least whatever I did, I did it on purpose live. Design, make a plan and choose what you're doing. And what I want to do here when we finish the series. I want you to
The plan that you can get excited about that's what I'm warning you do. That's why I want you to listen to this still in a black series about you, because I wanted to come away with a plan that you can get excited about now. Here's what I want you to do right down today's date, but put next year. Put this day and this month, but but twenty twenty and I'm gonna tell you why, because I want that in your calendar, so this time next year you look at that day And you remember me telling you today that one year from today. Your life is gonna, be better or worse than it is today It's not gonna, be the same. You're gonna be happy you're, sadder, rich poor
skinnier, Mary. Divorced? But it is not, going to be the same. Your life is gonna, be better or worse a year from now. Then it is right now and a huge part of that is. Will be a function of joy Did you make. Between now and then and let me if you some bad news now that you ve heard me say that you're totally screwed, you can not not choose because not choosing is a choice. Think about it. This way picture cross roads out in the middle of the country. Ok, the big Research shows that in the middle the country think about it is to highways crossing each other in the middle, the country and you come to that crossroads. What are your choices? You can go straight ahead.
You make a? U turn and go back. You can turn left or you can turn right or you can say no, not going choose. This gonna stand right here in the middle, the intersection and is lit life, run right over me. Well, that's your fifth choice, but you cannot not choose. You are going to make choices and I'm just saying own home since you're gonna make it boys anyway, you might as well make a conscious choice. So San, let's get active about some. Let's get acting about choosing don't as Canada by not using since you're gonna make the choices anyway. Do it on purpose, live on purpose, be on purpose, and I'm gonna give you. Thanks to help you the first book IRA, which back in I don't know, I need you propagating and bite anymore, so I'm gonna put it on the website. The things I'm talking about so you don't have to, but I something called life strategies and in la strategies. I talked about the tin loss of life, and when I
talk about laws, I'm not talking about tendencies. Are guidelines like these are things that happen sometimes, and sometimes they don't about laws, and when you talk about laws like the laws of physics like what's allow physics like gravity gravities, allow physics it's there every day, it's all law you have. Is a law gravity you dont get up some. Warnings and say you know, though, every day or not. It's there every day Peter I go step the energy roof and step off and sea of gravities there every day you contested on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday Thursday Friday is gonna, be there every day and you're gonna figure that out, just as you hit the ground, it's a law, It's not a guideline, not a trend, if not a tendency, and there are laws of life that
are the same way. The enclosure unbelievably concrete, I really dont, mean go, get on your roof and step off and test gravity, I'm just using an example where they say Don't try this at home, don't go step off your role five dish using as an example. And you know what I wrote first law of life, when I was sixteen years old now, I'm not Some prodigy idea that sixteen say up: here's the first law life, but in law. Came back. I learned the first law alive. When I was eighteen years old, I was working at Hallmark cards in Kansas City, You probably know hallmarks based in Kansas City, and I was working at Hallmark cards in Kansas City. I was on the Ford, a midnight shift and me a job was to tear stuff up. They were
a big into human resources back the, and so they match personalities, two jobs. They gave me a sledge hammer at a dumpster and I was supposed to tear shit up, so I came in every day, but these dies that they printed the cards from on the corner of a dumpster and hid it with the three pounds sledgehammer. That was my job. I thought how long this job last, how many good they have. I think they had about ten million of them and they said now I was there with his other guy? They should now. Ok, you know They have supervision. Goes you hear from border midnight is really noisy. We're gonna put Chavez, whereas your mature enough to work without the revision. Are you I'll get him like a cable we would ask me that, are you kidding me so soon, they leave. I have a buddy come down and we decide we're going to build a hot rod and I'm talking now guys, Gonna love, this nineteen sixty six shovel super sport, three, ninety six, three, seventy five horse with a custom manner
all sitting on top of this engine with three Holly carburetors on it, we had headers some some cheaters makes on the back? And if you rolled his car backwards just a little bit and pop the clutch, you could pull a front. We. Off the ground about four inches. I mean would go out at midnight and fine people We would raise them. We treated. Stupidity like it was a virtue, because this was stupid. It would be indiscreet, remainder name, my friend Steve Demon, and we would. Up and down main street and Broadway in downtown Kansas City at a hundred and twenty miles an hour trying sucker people in duration and so on. Give a night were flying down there and is the Christmas holidays, and we each have a body in town and why fly and along there and look in the rearview mirror, and there a cop on our bumper at a hundred and twenty miles an hour in downtown Kansas City at this
when they had em squad you're too young to remember, but these have a tv show called M Squad Metro Squad. These were the bad ass cops we look into rearview mirror and this cop is on our bumper and what I say on our bumper: you couldn't have gotten a gum wrapper between his bumper, an hour's. This was it era, where they didn't like day The car call for back up, fill out a bunch of paperwork, and now they pull S, oversight get out so Jim. Does a pull us over Steve's body, out of town? So others out the back window and runs between the buildings he takes off? They get God, this is in good. This cop lines of syrup like rose on a close line, we're standing at attention beside the car and he walks up to deal than says,
I don't want to ask you one time: Watson, I met boy that run off and the roman law swim straight. The eyes yeah. While his name was SAM sausage? What of it? Oh, my god, I'm thinking cop hit him so hard. I thought it broke my nose. He dropped him like a. Hundred pound wrought bear right there on the asphalt now here's the problem there, Next guy in line is my friend I'm next and the problem is neither of us know that guy's name he's run often the only person it knows his name is unconscious. On the pavement and I'm thinking- oh my god, I'm comin up next dear I wish. I knew his name. I give him his social security number arguments, finger press, ok, what every wanted, but no chance he steps up to my friend national says. Alright. I want to ask you one. Damn time: what's the name it
run off my friend and having some of a brain says. Sir, if I may, where on my mother's grave with just lunch, whether that afternoon, she was not dead. Show us where on my mother's grave. I do not know that young man's name, but I can prove my few it I I'm sausage, I dont, know they bought it. I'd say: I'm sorry, you know right then right in Bam. I wrote lifelong number one. You either get it or you don't Dylan, whose kissing the pavement here we'll get it my friend and I who are still vertical and still have or dental work, we get it. You know mass with somebody like this, we get it and I wrote the first law a life right, then I didn't know it at the time. But in retrospect I figured out that night. You either get it or you don't now. Don't you
Oh people in your life who don't get it I'll, give you Can it make a list start with european laws. I dont know, but don't you know people who just don't get it. They just stumble through life. They just don't seem to know where their going. They ask asinine questions. They do stupid stuff over it. Over again. I don't want you to be one of those people. So what is it I want you to get? I want you to get that you need to care of you. So you can t care of other people. I want you to take care of you, so you can be a gift to your family I want you to know, be one of those people that stumbles around in life. I
I want you to be one of the people that says there is a consequence to every behaviour, and I get that. So when I choose the behavior, I realize I choose the consequence. And I realize I cannot not to know that. Just one of the ten loss of life, I'll put the other ten on them, absurd I'm not gonna, go through a mile here for you, but I will list you need to buy the book I list and for you you know my dad an alcoholic and we did not have a great relationship, but at the end of his life right before he died, he said some to me that I think was pretty prophetic. He was so well after years of his life, and so we did he at long last, better than him right before he died.
Before I had ever been on Oprah before had ever done anything like that, he tell me something that really stuck with me. He said, he should boy limitation, he's alive, truly believe. That, during your life, you are going to have the opportunity. To intervene and people's lives in such a way that you identify for them threshold moments in their lives that are outcome determinative in where they head where they wind up, because oftentimes people don't recognize the gravity, of the choices they make. They don't understand when they come to the precipice of moments that in brutally chains, the trajectory of their life, and he said I predict.
That you're gonna wind up in a position where you have the opportunity to help people recognise when they come to those moments in their lives, and I dont know what he was paying attention to or what he was really focused on that point, But what I want you to get is I don't want you to stay At the end of your life and look back over it and I was twenty twenty hindsight. I recognise now that I miss some key opportunities to change the trajectory of my family. I missed the opportunities to change the trajectory of my wife. I will
due to stand at the end of your life and recognise that you were alert enough, that you were situation really aware enough that you recognise those critical choice points when they occurred I want you to stand at the end of your life and say you know what I got a wake up. Call that made me be one of those people that gets it that aid me stop stumbling through life and pay attention to what's going on So I could seize the moment. Sees what's there and live on purpose and that's but this series is all about which, as you know about is that everybody has a personal truth and the personal truth
You have one I have one, everybody has won. A personal truth is what you believe about yourself. When nobody else is looking, nobody else is listening. You have a social mask. We all do. I do you have one When we put our best put forward here, we always talk about putting on our Sunday best at least we do in the south. You know we always dressed up to go to church. We put on Sunday best put on a Sunday suits and shirt washed. Her face went to church. That's your social mask. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about what you believe about you when you don't your social mask on and if you aren't honest with yourself about that, then you can't he'll with reality. You can't deal with your authenticity and hears why that is so important.
We generate the result in life that we believe we deserve. So if your personal truth is damaged, if you think you're a second class citizen, if you think your less land, if you dont, think you're, smart ass is good as. Do you think your damaged in some way, you're gonna generate results that second class people should have. If you look people that are really successful in business or really happy in her marriage and family, and you say secretly well that's for them. That's not for me. I dont really deserve that. Then you'll never generate that. If you have a damage personal truth, you will generate a lifestyle. The standard of living mentally emotionally, physically, financially, socially. That goes along with being damaged.
No that, because I grew up with a damage, personal truth, because my father was a bad alcoholic and the problem that kid's make is they compare their personal truth with other people, social man, ask so I would go to school, knowing that our utilities were turned off last night. I would go school, knowing that my father came home, drunk and got violent in the car John with my mother and sisters, I go to school, knowing that the car had been possessed. And the windows had been kicked out of the house and com, Air myself to the kid in the next row who had a clean shirt on and scrubbed face and a smile and say he's, a first class kid and I have all these secrets that I don't want anybody to know- and by comparing
and I always came in second, though, I had a damage, personal truth and fortunately,. I was able to figure that out and he'll that damage personal truth I was able to identify. A currency at a young age that was able to validate me because as I was an athlete at the time and so I got a lot of strokes, alot of currency, alot of income. We're being an athlete both in my family and outside my family, and so I started late well, I'm not just from a broken family I am actually I have an identity as an athlete, and I was first string first team versus for
another. Will that doesn't jive with being second class, so it started to create what called cognate Dissonance within me, I had a conflict I had to resolve and I decide to resolve. It is being first class and stood a second class. Now you have to ask, yourself? What is your personal truths. What do you believe about yours? health and here's how you need to do that. You know To turn your ear inward and ask yourself what you say to yourself. What's your internal dialogue What are you label yourself? What do you say to yourself because if all through the day, you're putting yourself down, if
through the day, your labeling yourself as a loser all through the day, your labeling yourself as I am. I can't do this not gonna get this. I don't deserve this. Till you change the internal dialogue. You're, never ever going to get the results that you truly deserve. I'm gonna have to go you to work here, and this is a really important assignment internally How long is so powerful because it actually gets automatic here's the problem. We speak at a hundred twenty five words a minute. We think at twelve hundred to fourteen hundred words a minute. I think about what I just said, you think ten times faster than we talk, so you I'd, say something out loud once and you can think it ten times, for every one time you say it a bully.
School might say something to you that puts you down One time, and then you repeat it to yourself a thousand times over the next few days so I need you to really turn your ear inward and listen to what you're saying to yourself and is not enough to just think about it. I need you to go to the website that accompanies this podcast and you'll find at doktor fill in the blanks dot com, for this episode going find worksheets there in one of them is gonna, be labelled internal dialogue. I'm gonna have a few examples there of what I'm talking about what constitutes colonel dialogue, and I want you to stay making a list of what use say to yourself, because until write it down. So you can get some objectivity from it, so you could step back and look at it and go wow. No wonder Feel the way I do no wonder
feel the way I do. If I look at this list, I'm saying this stuff to myself all day long, my god, no wonder. Shocked that even get out of bed in the morning. If I say all this stuff to myself, and you say it is often as you do and I want you d start testing those thoughts test. To see if the rational and watch it. Fine on the website is you're gonna find for criteria for a rational. Thought and what they are right now number one thought is rational or not. It has to be grounded in objective fact: it's not opinion. It has to be grounded in objective fact: number two: it has to be in your best interest. Number three. It has to protect and prolong your life number, for it has to get you closer to the healthy goes. You want in your life for sale.
Thing to be rational. It has to meet those four criteria. Let me repeat him again, for you number one if a thought is rational or not, it has to be grounded in objective facts, not opinions. It has to be grounded in objective fact: number two: it has to be in your best interest, Number three. It has to protect and prolong your life number, for it has to get you closer To the healthy goes you want in your life, there are many list, those for you on the website, so they'll go right along with all but these things you'd have listed on internal dialogue. I want you to test each one of them against those four criteria. If it fails any one of the four cross, it off your list can't say that anymore and you have to replace it with something that does meet those four criteria, So you're only saying to yourself things that are rational. This is a very import
exercise size don't skip this when you maybe drive and right now, I don't know why you drive and wait you get home then get on the website, and in do this Her size, you will be shocked at the power of challenging the lies, you're telling yourself and replacing with rational thought, and if you don't change your behaviors, you're never going to get the kind of currency that I just don't have time for it I mean really. Where do you live here? People hide from their personal truce by being a workaholic? I was doing skills similar one time I had a woman come up to me afterwards and she said you know. I was this very thing you said, but I just don't have time for it. I mean acid where do you live? She said in a white, suburban. What do you mean she's? I live in a white suburban, I have for children and they go to four different schools Don't play soccer one from play: basketball, one of them banned and one of em doesn't do anything. So she,
I get up in the morning I gotta for different schools. I drop a mob pick him up particularly active as those activities and I'm a real iter collaboration around showed homes go in here go and they are going you're gonna, you're, goin, airily should understand. Just undisturbed is burning out judges like I'm just gonna work. Any second, and I said well, do something for me. I said are you dropped off, gives off to school tomorrow Should I go home turn your phone off. Take the phone off the hook. Lock the doors go run a bath even a bubble, bath get the stupidest magazines you can find an just go spend thirty minutes relaxing in a bubble bath. She looked. Me like I was insane she said. Are you kidding me
he said. Oh my god, my mother would turn over in her grave us. Oh my god, Now we're living for dead people. Are you kidding, your mother would turn over in a grave us and I'll. Tell you what do it every day of the week, listless spare her like a rotisserie chicken. I don't care if she turned over in her grave list is spent around out. Why would you care she's dead A shot come on. You gotta change, something got a change. Your thinking, you got a change, your behavior you're, making choices that have consequences I had the opportunity to interview Senator one time but we also say his name. I'm really not this time. He was one of the oldest people in Congress, and I asked
I said: senator you, ve met heads of state president's heaved, you Supreme Court justices. Tell me everything. You got everything you say What's the most exciting thing to ever happened to you any thought for a minute. He looked at me and he said well, Sonny Boy I hope will have happened yet. And I wow what a profound answer: here's a guy. That's been in Congress since Christ was a child and he's been in fifty sixty year, I said I hope it hasn't happened. Yet how about you? How about you?
I mean if you're forty years old, you ve lived. Fourteen thousand some odd days and life expectancy now is pushing into the nineties. Are you want Those people that, if I say what do you do for fun, LISA wow, Now, where we used to fish. Yeah we used to were used to take up a week's travel. I was last time you did that what is Mamma been six year, some years really. Last time, you had fun was six or seven years ago. Well, you got forty years. Laughed last time, you really gave yourself permission to have fun with six or seven years ago, and you got for forty years laughed
that's a long long time to do what you're doing That's a long time to be boring, I mean come on. This is no dress rehearsal, your boy, daylight man, you gotta figure out. I gotta define. My life I gotta redefine, is alarming. In this conversation with One question: I want you to ask yourself and just let this way on you a little bit just how much finer. You live with. Ask yourself that
don't ask you that you change your. They want just ask yourself this: how much fun are you to live with the formula for a successful relationship? this number one. It's based on solid, underlying friendship, which means first, what friends do they? there are things I support each other. They laugh, they talk, you know their friends, they invest. Is based on a solid underlying friendship and it meets the needs of the two people involved. Now think about that it meets the needs of the two people involved. That means you, ve got to jobs. Job number one is to work to discover the needs of your partner. Job number two is work.
Teach your partner, your needs now, if both of you would do in those two jobs, if you're working to teach your partner, your needs and your working to learn your partners needs then you're, both teaching and learning. At the same time, if he He or she is both teaching and learning. At the same time, then you ve got to people moving towards each other. Each trying to learn the others needs and teach the other person your needs all of a sudden. You're moving towards each other with a common goal. Creating intimacy that might require turning the television off case you didn't know. If you have it,
a vision in your bedroom. Your sex life suffers fifty percent fifty five zero percent. So if you want to get lucky, kick camel and Foulon and Conan and Cordon to the curb, get him out of your bedroom, but ask yourself how much fun are you to live with you're not talk about how much fun you are live with adult mean just for your spouse or your kids, I mean you may have he said above is gonna be alone. I don't wanna be a bad person to do it with so that means I gotta get along with me pretty well and here's the deal you problem, notice throughout this whole time that I've been talking to you that there is a common. They know what I've been saying. That is being selfish on your behalf, and you may think,
boy by do everything has been talking about. I'm gonna feel selfish. Well, don't don't feel selfish when you're putting yourself first do not feel selfish when you're putting yourself first and hears I? U care, give away what you don't have if you like, Your children, and I know you do then take care of their mother. Take care of their father. The last thing you want to do is miss manage yourself such that you wind up emotionally bankrupt and become emotionally unavailable or physic. The unavailable because you have a heart attack and die, so the people that you and love you dont have you in their lives. You don't want to do that. You ve got to take care of yourself because You can't give away what you don't have, so is it selfish? For you too, take some time to yourself. No, not have it
prolonged your life, not if it keeps you vibrant and alive? So you can be there for the people that you love and love you. I don't want you to be emotionally bankrupt If you allow yourself to get depressed and anxious and gray and burned out, then so your kids get old enough to get married and they come to you for advice. You said nothin. I got nothin for ya, burn myself out because a wooden smart enough to to take a break and take care of me. I'm sorry! I can't help you pick a why for a husband, I can't give you advice about how to be a father or mother, because I'm done burned out or I died ten years ago and I've been absent in your life. All that time. Don't do that. You not want to allow yourself to become emotionally bankrupt, and to do that, you got a treat yourself like a bank account. If all you ever do or make withdrawals
you never make any deposits. You are going to wind up with a zero balance. We need mother's, not martyrs. We need fathers, not martyrs. You ve got, take care of yourself, and that means you gotta make some deposits. You gotta do some things for yourself and that's what I've been talk. About along the way here, and if you her mother or father and you ve got kids at- are five six seven eighteen years old. Take a real close. And you're gonna noticed something they have arms and legs vacant pick up their own room. They can pick up there, Toys taken even make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and nobody will cultural protective services if they have to make themselves a sandwich. You don't have to do everything and hears it interesting word, to put in your vocabulary, no,
No! I won't take you hear. No, I won't take you there. No, I won't do this. No, I won't do that. We are lost a society with entitled children. They need to hear no turn off the television go outside. Right, some leaves get out Monsieur recent fresh air leave them alone, some time alone with your spouse, I mean Robin. I used to tell our kids look this door closed at last. What have you burst into flames? Do not open this door. You have to have some I am for yourself, so the theme that you ve been hearing here is you ve gotta, take carry yourself and it's not selfish, because you do not want to be emotionally bankrupt. Take care of you. You deserve it to people. You love deserve it and you're, not gonna, believe what we talk about next week. Now, there's an accompanying web page that goes with this whole series. So when you ve been-
listen, listen. You can listen to his as many times as you want to, but go to the website. That's doktor fill in the blanks dot com and yoga. Find everything we talked about here there and you are also going to find some personal inventories, some check list. Thou details that you can take to help you find out who you are and how you got to be that person what we're talk about next. Time is what the hell they do. What you found out today, because as a whole, other chapter and trust me, I'm gonna, put verbs and my senses give some thought were just getting started. Siloam.
Transcript generated on 2020-01-24.