Are you living your life reactively or proactively? What would happen if you made an appointment with yourself for 30 minutes every day to focus on how to change your life?
In Living By Design, Part 7 of the Phil in the Blanks podcast, Dr. Phil helps you figure out what makes people – including yourself – tick, and how you can start living by design.
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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
I want to take a pause here to give you a quick preview of what's airing today on doctor phil, take a listen twenty five year old officer gifts and what a federal jury found, both Terrence, richardson and ron claiborne not guilty of Alan gibson's murder. Yet they're spending life in prison, Allen's daughter, believes the right. Two men are behind bars the thought of each parent's insurance family for the first time. These people lie to you had nothing to do with the death. Defying doctor Phil check your local listings and for more on today's tv episode log on to dr phil dot com now back to fill in the blanks you have to decide what is your real currency, whether its metal, general social safety. security, monetary, spiritual whatever it is: realize there's more than one way to skin a cat. You might have thought
Where could get it would be dancing on Broadway? That's not true! What you wanted was the feeling you would get from dancing on broadway do not assume that dancing on broadway is the only way to get that failed they start prevail, so you must have found your way to fill in the blanks. you probably know we're doing a series call living by design. This is number seven, so this is first one, your hearing good news. You can binge listen to one through six I'm not going to waste time here, reviewing won through six since they are available and we also have a website. Fill in the blanks dot com, and we have an outline of everything that we ve done in one through six. You
We have to listen to one through six before you listen to this one, but you should go back and listen to him because we're talking about exactly what the title sounds like this series is about living by design is about being who you are on purpose, but I'm not the theory guy not the a guy that says empower yourself, fine inner self and be more of who you are not much that way, I liked to put verbs and my sentences- and I like to tell you things that when you get through listening to me, you can do in your life today and tomorrow that changes your walk through this world changes. Your life changes your family changes. The way you interact with the people you care about that, what I want to do my oh here is to talk about this. Is it matter to people who care, and I thought
that's? U. I think, that's why you're continuing to dial into this, so someone a jump right in to number seven. I have a question start out with you consider yourself a reactor or a pro actor when it comes to I've. Are you reactive, or are you proactive now think about that? For us do you spend your life ray. into what comes your way every single day or are you somebody that gets up and creates what you what to do every single day now, if you, have a job and to career and you, but at it for a good while, then, of course, you react to that. But did you create that career and was it you wanted to do and inside that career? Are you rank and file doing what everybody wants you to do being the cottage? teacher you ve been told to be being
had a police officer, you ve been told to be being the kind of doktor you ve been told to be meeting the expectations of everybody around you or are you proactive, within your career and doing things the way you want to do it. It's ok, to have something that you ve been doing for ten years or fifteen years or twenty years, but has gotten steel? are you reacting to what comes your way every day and you just gotta sit there. Wait till you see what comes around a quarter knows what you're gonna do with, or do you stepped back and say: hey this is my time. This is my life and I want a star in my life. I want to start in what I do, and so I wanna be proactive. I want to do this my way I love frank sinatra song: I did it my way. Are you doing you? Your way What are you doing you the way you and told to do you.
I was reading a story today on the internet Daily mail, dot com, there are joint venture partners, full disclosure for daily mail, tv, the story there about a woman by the name of the nessa lozano? She. a job working and of call in and she was absolutely miserable miserable, he was depressed. She was hating it now or famine They had started an animal rescue organization, but she We had taken this job in a call center. She was miserable she talks about how she just up and quit that job, because that wasn't her currency, you may we talked about currency. She, the that was what I want to do. That was paying me off So now, instead of going to a call center everyday she's, bringing health back two monkeys, swaths, kika, Jews, I know what those are, except they have a prehensile tail and they live in trees. There pick
as ever in there, but the biggest smile on your face. You can imagine how she's not do in what she was supposed to do, she's doing what she wanted to obvious. the am advocating for you being proactive in your life, does it mean you can quit all your responsibilities? Review got three children, you can't drop em off at the mall and just take off, but you. Do what you want to do within the confines of the responsibilities that you have now make decisions in our life. Every day right we decide what to have relied So what the? Where today we decide? What movie we're gonna go see we a lot of decisions, but there's a whole other category of decision in that. category is, what I call life decisions have talked about these just briefly before life decisions are those things that you make one time as they represent core values. their life decisions that stick with you day after day. We got
we year after year, it may have. to do with your honesty, your integrity, your work ethic, your pair drink philosophies. and you may not even be aware that you made them because they were so natural to you, like you hope we have made the life decision that you don't steal. You dont rob places, so you, wake up in the morning in you're late for work, and you say: oh well, I'm a little short on cash was Should I start by the seven eleven rob them, or should I run by the idea? You don't have that? with yourself every day because a long time ago you made the life decision that you just don't steal, show you We have to debate that again every single day be made. The life decision that you are going to have good personal hygiene, you're gonna, groom yourself. So you don't wake up every day in the cycle
What am I going to take a shower today? Am I going to brush my teeth by gonna, put on clean clothes. You've made a life decision that the standard to which you live is going to do the best you have with what you've got. I grew up very poor. Very report, but as the old saying goes, and many people have said many times didn't have very nice clothes, but the clothes we had were clean. A mother always major that the clothes we have. We're clean that we were clean repressed. parties combed her hair. We were clean and clothes we head weakly and so, there was just a life decision in our family that we were going to do the best we could with what we had and, as I grew up, Didn'T- have to make the decision fresh every day. Now living I'm talking about this, have you made an active life decision about Your attitude of approach to life. have you made an active life decision about
whether you're, going to get up every day and who you are going to be and what you're gonna do is going to be a function of what comes at you that day or can you make alive decision? It says you know: what I'm gonna be the captain of my own ship. I'm going to choose. What do what I pursue? How why determine what the rest of my life is going to be you can make that life decision and again you might say, ok, you may have enough money where you can just quit what you're doing and go fly freight in and out of africa or something that's fine, but I, on the other hand, have a job. I've got kids school. All your kids are grown on or not so. I've got continue to get a paycheck, etc, etc. Everyday, I get that I'm not asking you to abandon your family. I'm not asking you to quit your job and go out and live off the land. I'm saying within the confines of the responsibilities you have. Are you doing? everything you can to
the most satisfying life, that's possible, That's a life decision in order that you have to decide its not selfish. For you to take care of you for you to do the things that you need to do to make you happy tell you who benefits when you make you happy everybody around you benefits. when you make you happy you're, a better husband or wife, you're, better son or daughter, a brother or sister employer or employee doesn't matter Whatever role, if you're more fulfilled if you are more happy in your walk through life, everybody around. You is gonna benefit because they're gonna get a better you than they do if you're just caught a grey and going through the motions putting one foot from the other everybody benefits
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So. How do you do this? How do you make that life decision? Well, of course you have to think about it. to decide, ok I've been in reactive mode, I'm gonna shift to proactive mode. How do I do that doctor Phil? I'm one believes in operational definitions. What is operational definition. If I tell somebody that's depressed, I want you to be happier then I need to give them an operational definition of happier what this happier mean well means smiling morn crying less being more active in life. All saying, yet to be ill sayings because her profound the old saying, you're, not gonna, get hit, do not swing, and so it means getting out get up to bat if you're pressed you're gonna sit at home and when you sit at home, you have less chance to be reinforced in the less reinforce When you get the more depressed you become the more depressed.
to become less active? You are less active. You are the less chance you have to be reinforced list. Reinforcement you get the more depressed. You become it's what I call an auto exacerbating disease. You are circling the drain in ever, tightening can centric circles no way out of it until you decide no wait a minute. The operation definition of getting happy is to get out there in the world, and do things that have the chance of rewarding me So if I say what's the operational definition of being happy at where you're going to smile more and cry less you're going to be more interactive with the world, where you have a chance of getting rewarded, more you're, going to engage with people that are healthy for you and build your yourself worth and your self esteem because they believe in you and say good things to you. Instead of being around toxic people who drag you down here, to start to take better care of yourself. Maybe get depressed, you don't grow as well. You don't shower every day, so will tell you
in the shower every day, you're going to get up you're going to get dressed. She can be out the house at seven thirty. Every morning you go out and you're going to do something, that's active while I have a than go volunteer somewhere. I'm gonna give you the operational definition for what it means to be happy to do that. I want you to be proactive. I want you to begin by making an appointment with yourself that we make appointments. Were the doktor, the dentist we make appointments with our kids too. no to their practice to pick him up after school. To do this. To do that, we make up what MR body else. Let's make point with ourselves and keep it start with thirty minutes a day, maybe an hour. They were you make an appointment with yourself that your goal, to figure out what you can pay actively due to raise your game. You can proactively due to get more of what you want and less of what you don't want out of your life. That's my operational! definition of you making a life decision to become proactive,
rather than reactive in your life, the first is to make the point with yourself and keep it and spend that time, not with a tv on that with radio on not answering the phone not being interrupted by kids, and I care if you have to pull over on the way home to arrest area or a parking lot at the mall and sit there your car with a pin and a pad and just write down the things you need to do to be pro active in your life. If you have get up thirty minutes earlier every day. Thirty minutes before buddy else gets up we're stay up. Thirty minutes later or, as I say hold the car over on the way home and sit in a parking lot and have this meeting with yourself make the life decision to focus figuring out how I'm gonna get more of what I want in life and less of what I dont want. This is it
critical thing, you'll be astounded how much thirty minutes a day even five days a week. What kind of him that would have in your life I'm saying all this should prelude to you continuing to work on your play book for life, I'm setting all of that as a precursor to number seven. We ve been through once or six Number seven is, you must always are I always have a plan want to have a plan. You don't wanna, be react. If you want to be proactive, and that means you ve got to have a plan in a play, begins knowing what you want? That's what making that appointment with you itself everyday will help you figure out. What do I want? Do I want more money I want a bigger family, don't wanna closer walk with god. do, I want better health. Do I want better back Once between my career and my family, you have to define,
operationally define success. What is access for you, maybe visa more money? He may think awful shallow! That's ok! If that europe rational definition for success right now, they'll be ashamed of their. If you more money, you start somewhere. That's ok! If success you right now is to have more money, then, let's click that of then we move on to the next, with what is operational definition of success. You have, To figure out what that is, so you know how to choose what behaviour over another and believe me, every choice comes at a price. you choose to focus more on your job. It comes at the expense of your family. If you choose to spend more time with your family, it comes at the expense of your career. What you hope to do: is create, a balance between the two, where you can. At the most out of ease that you want in short periods of time you might over
I was in one direction versus the other, like your cup yup at year end and you ve got some big quotas. You need to make to get a bonus for the year. You might really focus on work if you're coming up with It's the middle of the summer, in you wanna plan some time with your family and take some time off with them. Mega occasion, you might really spindle our time focusing on your family at that point, It doesn't always have to be one way or the other, but you to decide what your definition of success, is what you want more of in your life and what you what lessons in your life, then you have to have a plan. To get that I said earlier that you have to be who you are on purpose don't wanna, be reactive to this, said you're like a leaf floating in the stream. Gotta go wherever the water flows, your home, it flow somewhere that you get paid off for, but if it doesn't, how does it work out, for you
not getting closer to what you want. You're, really burning down you're really wasting time. Here's what I want you to do a lot due to evaluate every action. you take a gear. The standard this serve a purpose. Does it serve a purpose? towards getting me what I want a shocking to? prison, consulting of all things early this year on fill in the blanks his name was just in preparing, he is a convicted fell. It He is a phelan that spent considerable time more than a year in the federal penitentiary, and he now consult with people are going to prison. he actually speaks on behalf of the f b. I he works with the federal government, the people that put him in jail. He counsels
people in the reason I was talking to him is because there was this bribery scandal for getting students into school, and so we had all of these defendants that were saying, oh, my gosh. What do we do and I was taught in just about it, and he was saying what he thought they all should do. If you when I hear that you can go back and listen to that episode, but one of the things he said was really interesting. He said one of the things you should do. Is you shouldn't get in there and get on the soft ball team you shouldn't get in there and play sports. You shouldn't get involved in all these extracurricular is an my thought was hey. Why not? It passes the time and his question was a question I ask everybody which is Does it serve your purpose? Your purpose? is to get out of prison as fast as you can as prepared.
for the next phase of your life as possible, any less you're going to get out and be a professional soft ballplayer. Then You don't want to waste time playing softball you have, fine item out of discretion, every time you know to spend that time in the library you need to spend that time investigating what your options are going to be after prison. What tk? and you do what can't you do, educate yourself figure out how to reinvent yourself. Maybe you need to figure out how to appeal your case? Maybe you need to figure out ten different things, but you're, not gonna find among the softball diamond. Why? In the world, would you play softball? It does not fit for purpose, which is to get out of prison as fast as you can as prepared as you can for the next stage of your life and it made per.
She has to me, because I preach that very thing evaluate every began savior in terms of whether it serves your purpose, What I want you to do is take specific. actions toward a known outcome. Let me say that again take specific actions toward a known outcome. Now, have you no, the outcome that you're trying to get you cannot evaluate whether you should by softball or not you, evaluate which specific actions you should take in which specific Actions you should not take you have nothing to measured against the law you know what that outcome is now think about this. You ve been in downtown in them all in a pot, or whatever country ass. These two images there, somebody in the park and they're just taken a walk, you're in no particular hurry. There
really enjoying nature, the guy. walk and long loose cut grass there smelling lad. Maybe they're feeds pigeons, maybe they're looking to fly hours listen to the birds. Thereon stroll con ass, that to a man or woman coming the other direction. Who just left their office going to a meeting on the other side of the park, and they ten minutes to get there and it takes fifteen. How are they walk it? Their walk with purpose They have a spring in their step. They are not speed walk in like in the olympics, but they are walking with purpose right there. strolling along there, not feeding the pigeons they're, not enjoying the flowers. They might do that at another time, but right now they are walking with purpose
they are walking to achieve a particular go, and that is to get from a to b in x number of time to be at this meeting, to deliver a message to achieve a goal: to make a sale to negotiate something. Maybe us to deliver a pouch, but they ve got it active? They know why it is. They know what they have to do and they are moving with purpose harry
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and right now you can try zip recruiter for free, that's right, free at separate router, dotcom, slash, post, that sip recruiter, dot com, slash, post, zip, recruiter, dot, coms last post. Unless you have arrived, you should be feeding the pigeons. You should be walking with purpose, taking specific genes towards a known outcome that does that mean there, never a time that you feed the pigeons diminish. Never time that you stroll through the park. Of course, there is thus not what we're talking about right now is it which often about affecting changing life and getting you more of what you want and less of what you dont want. And if you listen to what I'm telling you, you will have more time to feed the pigeons you will more time to enjoy the flowers and cut grass, because you will have achieved more of what you want and need to take care of you and your family. You will have
overcome mental illness. She will have achieved more money. You will have found more peace. You will have achieved whatever it is in your life. Listen. This can be anything that you're after, like I said, maybe its money? Maybe it's to get a promotion at your job. Maybe it's to get him to pop the question, but you have to have a plan to do that. I told you in the beginning that you we're going to have to cheat, but this was it or the squeamish either, because Life is competition, make no, mistake, you may not want it to be. You may say well doktor feel that it is not the way I see ok, then hit the stop button, and go do something else, but I'm telling near the truth, whether you like it or not. If you don't say the place you work is competitive, then
This is a fool because the place you work is competitive. Usually these are my free we go to lunch together. Well and while you're at lunch You may not be all that competitive in that moment, but if there Ten of you in one work group, and one of you is going to get promoted, do use Like the other. Nine are not compete. with you for that promotion. If you Don't see that, then you are being pollyanna issue because they are endless, there's nothing evil about their there's, nothing wrong with competing with you. The only mistake you can make here is to not recognise it. I want you to do, is have a plan to overcome any inertia in your life, it's going to require you manipulating people, and let me be very clear about this manipulation in and of itself.
Is not a negative, I am a tempting. to manipulate your thinking right now, The population is only a negative baby. It is insidious if it is hidden either hidden agenda. If there is some under ended objective that people try to get you misdirected Lay from So they can manipulate you. They try to get you to look over here to the right when they're really pick in your pocket on the left. Many population is just that, if you pick up a shirt unfolded your manipulating the shirt if you're talking to your child and trying to get them to tie their shoe your teaching them to manipulate the laces in their shoe. I'm trying to manipulate your thinking right now.
And I'm not doing it insidiously. I'm telling you up front, I'm attempting to get you to change your thinking to a more healthy, proactive way the reason, there's nothing wrong with me attempting to manipulate you about. That is because I'm telling you up front and if it thing I say, won't wisdom, and challenge then rejected What I'm telling you write up front any time you go into a class and their teaching, you something you don't know, then there nebulae. In your mind, there giving you new information, debating with you there trying to get you to change your position, the only I'm its insidious is if its hidden and there's misdirection involved. So just now, That's? How I use the word manipulation I'm trying to manipulate your life to overcome.
a nurse in order to do that, you have to have it action plan and you have to write it down. You have to write it down, Lifelong number, three that I talk about in a book: wrote back and ninety. Ninety eight is it you cry Your own experience, life. Number four. Is people do what works you cry your own experience. What does that mean? It means you create this aura. Around you, you create the principle of reciprocity. You get what you give it you put out negative. You get back negative, you put out positive, you get back positive, you put out energy, then you energize those around you. We create our own experience and life law for people. Do what works? You dont repeat, behaviors, that don't work, you repeat, behaviors that do
work. My telling you that is trying to fill in some blanks in your thinking. Is that manipulative I hope so because I hope it's changing the way. You think I'm going to give you an example of manipulation here in just a few minutes, so stand by for that but I say you have to write it down and I'm gonna talk to you about seven steps. I'm gonna put these on our website because, right now, if you're driving we're walking or you're mowing the yard or cleaning the house or whatever you're doing, and you don't have a pen and pad handy or you're, not at your laptop and can't run him down. That's okay! I'm going to talk to you about them, but then I'm going to put the chart on the website, so you can click on it and see exactly what's there. Seven key strategies for attaining your go. This is based on a list that I have a spouse say since the nineties, when I wrote about it in life strategies and ninety? Ninety eight, you use it
as a way to clearly define your go. You gonna to have a timeline and you're gonna have to have the steps necessary for achieving it now number one you have to express your go in terms of specific events or behaviors region My goal is to get a promotion. my goal is to get him to pop the question. My goal is to lose thirty pounds has to be specific, began My goal is to do better in life. That's not! It is to be specific, so loose. Thirty pounds get him the public. I shouldn't asked me to marry him get the promotion Work, it has to be specific. number two. You have to express your go in terms that can be measured. They say I need to be a better person. You have to
Operationally define that, what's the operational definition of better person, what does that look like? How can you measure that thirty per It's easy to measure giving him the pop. The question either does really doesn't, but it has to be measured? number three. You have to assign a timeline to your go. We don't leave town, buildings. Are the single bound? We go up or the time on an elevator? We don't have capes So we got do this step at a time. You have to work this out, with a timeline fill in the steps it can't be. I I want to go back. finish my college degree and I want to have it done in two years, although a lot, fine, but we need smaller bites than two years. So what are we gonna do by the end of this month. Well by the
this month, you need to figure out what step you're gonna. Do that I'm gonna, have ordered my transcripts and made an appointment with an academic counselor figure out exactly what courses I need to graduate. I'm gonna get that by the end of the month. I'm going to order my transcripts, as soon as I get them within the next week? I'm going to make an appointment with a councillor at the college and go in figure out exactly what I have to have to graduate, so that might be a timeline of two weeks to get the transcripts two weeks to meet with a counselor in two years, I'm going to have a degree you gotta fill in the steps. This is like walking across a creek and you gotta go from one stone to the next one to the next one, to the next stone We're not gonna wade neck deep in water and and figure out a month before the two years is up. Oh, we didn't check all the boxes.
Number for you have to choose ago. You can control, don't setting we're gonna, have a white christmas this year. What really you control there either to something you control, there's gotta, be something that you have access. To that. You can pull the levers on, which means it has to be about you You're, the only person you control you can spire others would you the control. You will get a number five you have to plan and programme a strategy that will get you to your go, so what we do so far, is you expect, If you go in specific events and behaviors on it in terms it can be measured. You ve put it Yes, the timeline! You ve made sure to choose a goal that you can control. Now you ve got to set a programmer strategy that will get you there and you to make sure that you ve got the money the time and the
access to do that so you, gotta be realistic. Here we said, go back! to college and finish up your degree. Well, ok you I want to do this in nine months, but the fact is work and fifty hours a week. So the best are going do is six hours a semester, night school, which is two classes you do that two semesters too long semesters, and then you can maybe do six hours over the summer, so you're gonna get eighteen hours a year or two years, don't be thirty six hours. Ok is two years or that two semesters belts a girl. That's just not realistic, you're just going to disappoint yourself, and do you have the money to do that? If you no, then you need to go back in your steps and put in their applying for an academic loan or vigorous
how you are going to finance it. People say I'm gonna quit my. Job and become a real estate. Asia. Well, ok, but You know what it might be. Six months before, you collect your first commission so do you have a plan to live until you collect that first commission. If not, this is a pipe dream. Susan ago a go? ass. To be realistic. You have to have a way to get from where you are and where you going that means. Ok, I'm gonna become a real daughter, but I've gotta. they have set until I get to my first commission so either must ass, is gonna have to go to work if they don't already or I'm going to have to have a part time job that pays money every week. be realistic about this. If you're going to set a go, you have to be real. Take it. That means coming up with a plan b.
ensures that you have the money. The time in the access unita If I, what the potential obstacles are and what are the resources required to achieve it and then define your in terms of steps make these steps. Something it keeps you moving week to week to wake. You said earlier: it's gotta be as you also maybe first Europe is ordering you're transcripts. Second step is Counselor third step is getting your finances in order. Fourth, step Is finding out what the deadline is for enrollment and arranging your schedule for child care, setting things up figure out what all of the steps are and put them in order so. You know what you have to do to real strictly do this. Let me tell you when you stop clicking these things off. You start
experience momentum, you look at self. It's like painting a black wall, wider, a white while black, you see progress and peace grass overcomes momentum and when overcome inertia, you get momentum and when you do that, you start excited you start getting energized number seven is you have to create. Can't ability you ve got to have said hell some way. Some buddy. This go check you out. Somebody that you really like. Somebody really trust amazed, get courage to call you out this go check with you, Every friday every wednesday, the bicycle jack. well and say: ok, I've got a copy of your plan. You were going to get the applications for a student loan and have them filled out by today. Do you, let me see,
and if you doubt then you ve got sit there right, then with them and do what you have to do have accountability, so you know you're gonna have to face somebody besides yourself is you might take your excuses, but they may not so you want somebody that you give licence to hold your feet to the fire. So, let's number seven, you not quite finished so there's another step to this accountability, and this, the accountability to yourself, and I want you to write down the answer to this question? How will I feel what I obtain my girl. How will I feel when I arrived my go: what will it mean to you you cannot answer that question with greece, Great clarity. you might have the wrong go.
But I'm betting, if you ve, got all this trouble to figure this out. You don't have the wrong go so answer the question. Howard, you going to feel when you eve, this go what's he gonna mean to you to know that you ve, taken control of your life and you have achieved this, go instead of letting days turn into weeks weeks turn in a month's months turn into years and years, Turning into a lifetime. Write down how you're going to feel you're gonna feel proud. You gonna feel fulfilled. You gonna feel excited you're, going to feel energized. You gotta feel, like you have a second chance you'll feel like you said a great example for your kids of how you gonna feel. so now you ve become proactive right. So, what's the next thing I want to put in your playbook number, You may hear this and think doktor fill you get a little paranoid here now,
getting paranoid. I d been in his game a long time. Number! Eighty is, you must keep things close to the vast. You must keep things close to the vest. that. Why am I saying that? Whether a lotta reasons, I'm saying that number one, you always want to maintain a little mystery because with mystery, comes mastery It is true that familiarity can breathe contempt. Always want to maintain a certain degree of mystery. I can, also tell you that again, life is a competition. Some people really ranco it that they go. I don't like this, be it competition that puts pressure on me. It makes me anxious. Look. Life is the competition, since you listen to this. It's always been a competition. Maybe
you're just getting that into your consciousness, but it has always been a competition where'd. You acknowledging it for the first time saying there are some things you just don't want to be telling everybody, because it is competitive, there's press in the competitive arena as I've Sincere pressure is privileged. That's ok! You want to be in a situation that matters. If you ve got a job without pressure, you ain't got a job, It's not really a job, it is gone out somewhere in pay any money, and then you go home with you. Don't have any responsibilities if you dont have pressure. If there's no competition, if nobody wants your job if nobody wants your spouse. Then you ve got the chromium job and a chromium spouse on the planet you're kidding yourself because
I promise you there is always somebody around. It is more than happy to take what yours does we're talking about, we start talking about bakers, early on, remember, bade, her back stabber abuser, impostor, taker, exploiter right Doubtless there are people that are ready to take. What is yours, so you need to keep things close to the vast dad used to say boy, don't never miss a good chance to shut up, And I have never forgotten that the acute competition and you may think well competitions vulgar competition is beneath me. Well, ok, but my point is is gone on, whether you like it or whether you don't you, need to be careful who you tell what
I'm going to give you a really good example. This came up in my private practice many years ago. I had a woman. That was really At an inertia really really was, and I was telling her some of the things I am telling you now I'm say: look you gotta believe enough in yourself to get out there for what you want and dont get caught in a comfort zone mean come on we could change, take a real skin, what'd, I say also do what, if you fail we'll talk about that in a minute. But let's just talk about what you want. where she had been in the same job for six or seven years, and it was kind of a dead end street, for she worked for a law firm. That was a new job that had come open at a law firm in the same building about six floors up that she had heard about. That was a definite promotion. She, they paralegal, and this was a job that man aged men parallel eagles. She very excited about the job. It met
ten thousand dollars a year raise and it means less tedious work. It meant real, Your step up. She really was getting her courage up and she was very excited about it. Never three or four of these paralegal said she worked with at her place of work, and she was telling him the years. I'm going to do it, I'm going to step out there, I'm going to get this job, I'm going to take the chance, and when I get out there and see what happens, she can back in for her next appointment and she was absolutely heartbroken, absolutely crestfallen one of the women that she worked with her firm when upstairs applied for the job and got it and how did she know about it? My patient told her. she was excited about it and she didn t close to the west,
I talked to her said. Oh I dunno. If I can do it, I am going to try. I don't know I'm going to go up there on friday, I'm going to do it. I'd hottest of scared to death, but I'm going to do it, I'm gonna! Do it I'm going to do I'm going to do it? I'm going up there friday at three o'clock, friend got the job thursday at noon? there are large our thursday at noon, knew all about the job? She had a resume already. She went up their interview, for the job and the hard on the spot. They call that afternoon in and so the interview or friday afternoon and she was just broken? She said why? Well we ve The position not tell her. It was her friend. And soon thereafter refrain set up.
Really excited I, I went and applied for that job and they hired me I'd. I didn't think they would, if you don't want me to take it, I won't, but I figure is probably one hundred people applied for it I thought I'd throw my hat in the ring. I didn't figure that you would care. I knew you wouldn't it would make it out to you and I didn't figure I'd get the job anyway and I was just shocked when they offered it to me, but listen If you don't want me to take it, I won't take it. She didn't keep her power. And close to the west. She hadn't told these women that she was competing with about this opportunity. I have no doubt she would have gotten a job Do I have no doubt the She was upstream from the woman that got the job. She was better quality. I'd. She had better experience. We role played the interview. I helped her with the resume I. No doubt she would have got my job, but she did not keep it. to the vast and blabbed about it.
and lost the opportunity you have to be careful Who you tell what. there will be a very small group of people in your life that you can trust will meet people that are like minded. You will meet one I call your balcony people. Made to people that in your balcony that cheering you on that one the best for you that will work with you not against you. That you can trust that are loyal to you that share values with you, the collective power of a group of like minded people that hold the same values is really powerful. I told you in an earlier living by design that I had never met a true who champion that was alone ranger every
true champion. I've ever met had a nucleus of people around them. Shared their passion, shared their goals and every time champion I ever met. not only lived with passion, but they create the passion for everyone around them. it wasn't just ass. They were passionate about what they were doing. They found a way for everyone around them to be passionate. That's The true mark of a leader, a true mark of a winner. A true mark of a champion is not just that they have purpose and passion, but did they create that for everybody around them. So now it's not added! its multiplicative in You can identify that group then you have created a nucleus of people that You may meet from anyone. Of life that will
impact you in every walk of your life, I'll, tell you how you can differentiate them from most of the people in your life there Has to do with loyalty, you see. Most people are loyal to their need for you there not loyal to you, there lol to their need for you and when their need for you goes away their loyalty to you goes away as long as they need you, they are loyal to you. But when that need, goes away, their loyalty to you dries up that's been, too bad luck, different ways. Maybe it's a fair weather friend. Through their when everything is fine. But if you have problems call them with a need their canada. There there busy, they don't answer the phone long is your serving a purpose for them, everything's grey
but when you need something they're gone, let me restate that So it's clear their loyal to their need for you and when the need goes away, so does their loyalty to you everything he's fine. Until you need something when you need something: oh wait, a minute this was, Fine, when you were serving me but that you need something no way a true friend is built they give giver and a receiver remember what I said about bade the tea Take her, there are people, in this world at her takers. They just take take take take, but don't ever give so What you are looking for is that small group of people that are like did anyone True test is whether they're there when you need them, you have a problem,
it's gone off the rails in your life. You ve got a crisis. You re to them. Are they there or did they get busy? Do they answer the call was that answer. The call, those would you hang onto That's why they say the definition of a friend. that those who are coming in the door when everybody else is goin out. Who but a friend would run into a burning building? Well a friend, what, if you're in there That's what you want to know, that's what you're looking for. Won't talk you about one more thing. I told you I was going to give you example, Manipulation. I gave you the example that I'm trying manipulate you now by talking to you about all these things, but in number nine. I'm want to give you some real world examples of why manipulation is a good thing to do here,
the thing to do. Number nine is going to say, rise you a little bit. number nine, you must always be. an investigative mode, you ma always be in investigative mode now When I say investigative mode, I don't mean it outside somebody's house? I don't mean you, follow when you coworkers home. I don't mean that you're digging into the background of everybody, I'm talking about investigative mode in turn. Of being psychologically minded net. You ve heard me say You should always be situation really aware, and in this day and time, Lord knows we need to be. You are. into a restaurant, crowded room. You need to ec where you are and whose, in there, I always do that I've done that for forty, five years. It's natural to me. Now I've taught it to my boys.
I have a son on tour right now and ease in arenas with twenty five thousand people I insist that he be situationally, aware management for the tour meets with all of them before they go on stage and Discuss exit rout rally points all of those things we are aware that things can go south, particularly this day in time You should always be situational aware. If I walk into a restaurant, sudan and its crowded ass. Ghana crowd look for the most unstable people in there, a markham, where they aren't. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm right, but in my mind I find most unstable people in there something's gonna go south figures girl beef, one of those people. You know where they are who they are.
asking you to do more than be situational aware, I'm asking you to be actively in investigative mode, because if we can agree that the majority of life is a competition then you need to be pro actively in investigative mode cost. lee gathering data and information debate, do this. and they miss usually information, I want you to do it to use the information You remember when I was talking about being a trial scientist at courtroom sciences, and I said one cases, because we out prepared the other side and what we buy up. Prepare them was we were in investigative mode. We discovered everything we dug up. Every There was to dig up, and we weren't afraid to ask ourselves the hard questions about our own case. Some people are denial
They don't want to look at the negatives about their own case and then they blindsided with a trial that never happened with us. We looked at the most horrible things about our own case. Before we ever got to draw. We were never ambushed because we took a harder look. The naked ever look as we knew where the bodies were buried, they didn't I met you too out prepare everybody in your life. You need to be psychologically minded and by then I mean you need understand, what's the psychological situation of every body that you're in competition with water? agenda agendas? What are their motivations. What's going on in someone's life. What are the groups may be at work Are there alliances? Certain people hang together are their warring factions.
and if you're gonna be psychologically minded, you need to be keenly aware that things often occur for other than the apparent reasons. So you ve got to be signed illogically minded you ve got to be aware. If you or in competition for promotion or raise or an assignment, then you to be aware of what other people, strengths and weaknesses are. If you want your boss ass to see you as essential. Then you need to know what He or she is not good at so You can make sure they are aware that you are good at that. Now, let's talk, manipulation for a second. Let's say that one the goals that you ve said is you want the guy? you're dating to pop the question? your warning demotivating depart. The question now is that
Is there anything wrong with you warning him to pop the question? I say: no, if you have made the decision that this is the guy, if you're in love with him, but he's drag at his feet, you need to be an investigative mode. You need to be psychologically evaluating. What's this problem, what the obstacles here, what his motivation, or there thereof I believe very much in need satisfaction, selling. Maybe his parents have been through an ugly divorce so he is afraid of what can happen when you married that it can wind up in an ugly divorce. Then cycle. Logically, you are aware he needs reassurance in this area. His fear, We need to be diffused in this area.
if you're an investigative mode- and you find out that he has parents have been through an ugly divorce that he is very. Hurry burned by that he has great. concerns about that now You ve been investigative mode. You ve learned that you found out, how he feels about that? What we done to impact him about that? so you know what he needs. He needs to be reassured. He needs to have those fears diffused. So this where the manipulation comes in you. Don't need to be insidious about it, but when you Talk to him about this and you talk about where's, this relationship going. Do you I want to talk about what kind of house you're gonna get or do you. To talk about, what is important in your relationship with him. What things you too should fight peace, about a dress
the needs he hairs in doing that, doing a service to him you're talking about what matters to him giving him an opportunity to voice his concerns. His needs, his fears. Is that manipulative sure it is Is that insidious absolute, We not you can tell him straight up. I know: I sense that you have been burned by your parents. Having a very ugly break up, I will to talk about that. I want to see if we can get past that ok now, there's! No! insidious about this at all, you're telling him. I want to talk about that I want to see if we can get past that I want to see if I can get you at ease with that, so
This is another way of saying I want to manipulate you're thinking from a pie the logical fear to a healthy acknowledgement and acceptance. I would have no problem, zero, zip, absolutely, no problem with you saying. Ok, I want to try manipulate you're thinking about this. I want to change it thinking about it, I want to alter the way you think about this. No problem with using the word manipulation, I have no problem with using the word change, be totally up front about it, but do your homework before you start. because you want to talk about what matters to them to him, to the people at work, whoever your audience is my belief is who will be successful if you meet people where they are instead of expecting them to me, you where you are if they are steeped in
fear if they are paralyzed with fear and anxiety about what may happen here. They get old waiting for them to resign. that on their own income to you, why should you do that? Why should you not call it what it is and make a up front told the transparent effort to get them pass that, and if you can't Don't you want to know it. Of course you do. If that is such a pathological anxiety that they'll never get past it, You need to know that now not later What I'm saying is be completely up front. nothing insidious, nothing underhanded, nothing behind their backs, nothing snaking up on them! Nothing they don't know what you're doing and why you're doing it, but do it be straight
front. Do you think I don't do that every day on doktor fill? Of course I do somebody comes in there and says I am not a drug addict and I don't need rehab you think I don't set about manipulating their thinking about that to get them to the help they need. Of course, I do, and I tell them straight up- I'm going to talk you out of that, I'm going to show you where you're wrong. when you are investigative mode. You are going to discover if People have insidious objectives; indeed, with you trying to manipulate you with a hidden agenda, because by you doing it tran. Apparently, you will become keenly aware of when its being empted insidiously may give an example, Let's say? There's someone at work that you don't trust you been banned. tension in you to see that she is really always again player I models.
Will it believes they ll? Do it with you they'll. Do it to you so there over their gossiping with you about somebody else. What in hell makes you think they're, not gonna, walk away from you and go get somebody else and talk to them about you. So if somebody comes to you and tries to set you up but you're psychologically minded in investigating mode and do something about this person at desk doesn't ring right. Your intuition, your got is telling you a cans, whether we need to count your fingers. You this believe they're just so crooked. They screw their socks on in the morning. You don't know why, but you d get at intuition and they to you well, last night. I was here late and I saw the boss leaving and when she got out into the parking lot I could tell she was really is staggering ring it was so
clear she was drunk. Do you However, when we had dinner together, did she drank something? Ok, now, what passed? double good could come out of this conversation. For you remember, we take very specific outcomes toward a known outcome. What possible good could come out of you gossiping about the boss. with somebody you gotta get feeling about and it ain't good. Please let me tell you how this plays out. You say well, yeah I, when we went enough, I think she had a martini. Maybe I don't? I don't remember so. She says yeah. Maybe so, ok see you later The next morning she stopped the boss, his office and says, hey, look is now my business. I want to get into bed.
by sharing. This last night, She was talking about you drink and martinis. When we went out to dinner, I saw was odd. my business, but I thought you ought to know that. I don't think it shouted talking about that around the office, but none of my business gotta run that did she lie Everything she said was true, she's by the disk then did, comment that she drank some martinis did or maybe to achieve, After all, the set up she lived out. All the cod and you may never know she stopped by the bosses office you I never know that you better, able, as talking behalf, the boss is back about drink. Maybe the bar says the draken problem. You now are labelled as a threat to exposure things,
Often happen for other than the apparent reasons and unless you are psychologically minded enough asking yourself what possible good could come out of this you're better off, excuse yourself and keep on working. So I guess I am asking you to be a bit of a private investigator but psychologically pay attention who hangs out with who who's the office gossip who are the warring factions who's, the brown? No, Who seems to be the person there always seems to running a hidden agenda. If you stay on your toes. You gonna be a hard target to hit. the truth of the matter is evil evaluate the entire population? Is a sick never get percentage that would rather cheat to win then earn their way to the top. We're just gonna be too good form.
We're going to be too sharp we're going to be two on our game. We're going to keep things close to the vast were going to an investigative mode and we're gonna die about more more this in the weeks to come. Please the review these things please go to the website and look at the outlines in the list, because I don't want this to be something that goes into your short term memory and then you lose. It This is a playbook for life. and I want it to impact the way you do business. Of transactions with your significant other parent, your kids, you deal is everything you do. I want to hear from you,
it's really good governance. We are going to talk about them soon. I'm doctor failed thanks for this.
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Transcript generated on 2023-05-25.