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Living By Design 9 - Pick Your Battles

2019-10-08 | 🔗

Dr. Phil says, “Never put yourself in an untenable position by picking a battle that you don’t need to fight and don’t know with great certainty, that you can win.” See omnystudio.com/policies/listener for privacy information.

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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
You ve got to shake it up to break it up and what is it were? Breaking up were breaking up old habits in old patterns. Something dramatic has to happen. What you do is you replace one behaviour with a new behaviour that is incompatible with the old with you must recognise and use the ie Go and greed of others to create a path to success. Now a gift, your buys, lay in wait a minute. What do you say it here doktor fill and we are back talking about living by design. Nine I've been getting it,
comments from you guys, and I want to take a few minutes before we pick up with our next item in the playbook. I really appreciate your feedback. A lot of you have said. I can believe you're, giving us all of this information. We keep waiting, for the other, two to drop like, but we're gonna get a bill for. At the end or something I can't believe I'm getting this for free and podcast, but you are there's no other shoe to drop. I do want something from you, though, and what I want from you is to stop for a minute and ask yourself what you're doing with what we ve talked about so far, and it means something different for everybody, all You hear something different from what I say all of you apply differently in your life. Some of you are plumbers. Some of you are teacher.
Some of you are bureaucrats. Some of you are politicians. Are bankers orb executives whatever? I know because you write to me in it. Doesn't matter what it is that you are doing in your life, it's important whatever it is. You're doing that, you have made the decision that you're going to star in your own life. Now I've talked about that so far, then I've had some that have actually I've seen around that have ass. Me about that this weekend, I was it Tyler Perry's rand opening of his for new studio, complex in Atlanta and several people came up to me there and tell me how much they were enjoying the series and they said starring in your own. Wife is not as easily
and is it is said. I understand that if this was easy, everybody would do it. I want to talk to you about this concept that I call shake it up to break it up, and I'm gonna start with that forty seconds I said I want to talk to you about a concept that I call shake it up to break it up. I've, given you already ten parts of a playbook that I want you to follow. I've said that you must have a defined image and never ever go out of character. Now that's a big deal. We talked about it in great detail. I said you must create a perception
of uniqueness. If you want people to keep you around, I said you must play big and not long. There are big difference between the two. I've said that you have to learn to claim and accept praise and acknowledge it integration way, but do accept it. It's not egotistical to accept it. I said: It must become a central. You gotta create away that, whether it's in your relationship, your business, your family, you ve, got to find a way to become a central. You have to know what your real currency is, so you
dont wind up spending your life working for what you don't want. I said you must always always have a plan. Don't ever be an unguided missile, always have a plan. I've said that you must keep things close to the vast. Don't tell everybody your plan, because that plan is what's going to get you where you need to go and get what you want. I've said you must always be in investigatory mode. You must always be figuring out what you need to know that gives you an edge and before
where I get to the next item. When I say you ve got to change think about momentum. If you want to really change the way you're living your life, something dramatic has to happen because, if you think all of a sudden, you're gonna listen to me for a few weeks and just automatically your last can change it will not. You are wonder consciously have to change how you live day to day week to week month, to month now think about a bowling alley say we're throw a ball down a bowling alley, and we want that ball to make a right turn. Ninety degree ter, what's it gonna, have to hit this gonna have to hit a big brown block a con just stop its momentum and redirect it in another way. What is that in your life, what do you
I need to do we're. As I said before, people need to look at you and say what happened to her. What happened to him? They seem different And let me tell you just how concrete I mean that when I say shaken up to break it up, I mean B, concrete is go home, rearrange all the furniture in your house get a new haircut change. Your hair color change. The way you go to work chain, Somethin change, everything where it feels fresh people always joke about oath, that new car smell. You get a new car and fix starting right? Because it's fresh, it's new? What how do you make your life fresh in new? You do it by changing things. People avoid change, but you got to run to change. You got to embrace and you ve got to create change, and I really mean it just that simply go
when rearrange all the furniture in your living room go home and take the bed of one wall. Put on another wall? If you all. Is go home and change then go the gym go the gym in the morning. Instead of the afternoon change something that signals a new day changed some. Sing in your life? If you got long hair top it off, you got short hair grow it out. If you're a brunette become a blonde, I mean do something: that's different! That signals demarcate a passage says. It was on that day that week that weekend that everything changed you've got to shake it up to break it up and what is it we're breaking up old habits in old patterns? You don't
habits. What you do is you replace one behaviour with a new behaviour, that's incompatible with the old one you'll I've got this smoke inhabit. Well, that habit is a coping mechanism you use it to handle Strasser anxiety or keep from eating. Your whatever, how what ever you started. It maybe started to look or I don't know, but it served a purpose. We don't anything in our lives that dont pay us off in some way. So, if you're going to stop doing something, you have to figure out what was the pay off for it and if you're going to eliminate it, you have to figure out. If that was a positive pay off, you need to figure
how you're gonna get that pay off without doing what you were doing. So if you were getting pleasure from eating too much or pleasure from smoking or you were getting Some kind of validation are confirmation from playing the nice guy. Then you need to you're out. Ok, I'm gonna get rid of this habit of playing the nice guy by telling people what they want to hear, and I got a lotta pats on the back for that and that was currency to me and I'm gonna stop doing that going to miss those pants on the back, I'm going to miss that feeling of acceptance. So what am I going to do to get that a different way? Because if you don't replace that behavior something that gives you the same or better pay off. Guess what happens? It's gonna come creepin right back in based, something called instinct jewel drift? We have this tendency to read
grass to the norm. We pull ourselves out to the side. Do some different for a while, but across time were drift back to what was our norm unless we find a new way to get the same kind of pay off if it was a healthy pay off? Ok, so think about that you ve got to shake it. To break it up, change something in your life change. Everything in your life will not everything you don't need to change your spouse. You can't Jane Your kids, you don't even need to quit your job and go to a new one. You just need to change how you do it and change your environment. Your world changed the way you walk Change the way you sit in a chair, change everything you care that signals a new day. Let's start right now, how are you sitting right this minute? Are you kind of slouching sit up set up right now, serious, I'm not getting you set up
but now sit up really tall. Pull your shoulders back. Put your head up, set up tall sit up with some pride. How do you present yourself? It begins with that. How do you present yourself begin with that? Just that subtle little change. Remember the example I gave in walkin end apart vein, the pigeons verses walkin for me to be with a purpose, change the way you walk. If you take them elevator to your office in the morning start taken stairs. If you take the stairs, take a different set of stairs do something different I'm trying to get you out of the rut. I dont want to give you these things have listed so far, and these just be some of metal. Masturbation of the need is go through with it intellectual exercise, but there's no behavioral.
Poor little goes along with it. You ve got to change your behaviour. If you want a different result, you ve gotta, make different choices and do different, behaviors. Ok, I hope I've gotten your attention to the need to act. Really change what you do because seriously. This is not an intellectual exercise, for example, is a big difference between thinking, something and writing it down. When you write something down, you get some distance rummaging assume some objectivity from it. So if you go to the website- and you see a list, there is not enough to do so He threw a may answer it in your head. That's lazy winners. Do things losers, don't wanna do get out your laptop
print out the page ride it out do something, but if you don't actually emit a behavior, it's not to have the same impact, oh really, encouraging you to change something I don't want you to do is go through this, listen to and Julia. That was really entertaining. I'm not here to entertain. You I'm here to change the way you're living your life I'd. I said they were sixteen things into playbook number fourteen. You must deal only with the truth. You must deal only with the truth,
I'll trivializing things minimizing things, thus for suckers, you have to deal with the truth. I don't care what it is that you're dealing with whether its parenting, your kids, dealing with a crisis in your marriage, dealing with a crisis in your health. You have to deal with the true winners deal with the truth, and you know when they deal with it. They deal with it at the first opportunity. They have. They deal with the truth as soon as it presents itself now,
same self evident right telling you that if you want to be a winner, wonder your in and playbook as you deal with the truth, you don't lie to yourself, but that's not as intuitively obvious as it may seem, because we tend through something called perceptual defence. To screen out things we don't want to see. We don't want to hear and give our brain access. Who only those things that don't upset us and you have to consciously overcome that now. Let me talk about what I mean by that, and I guess it boils down to this when you think about it, don't you know the true When you hear it, let's say you are really worrying about something You really worrying about a test. Result from doctor. You're really worrying about here. That on an icy road or something in it.
You're really worrying about it and your friend Sir, there and there came a by Pat Yonder back ass in a witch gonna. Be fine, always gonna, be ok. Now everything can be fine. Does it really make you feel better because it doesn't me, it's never made me feel better. What makes me feel better? if somebody that comes by and says? Ok, let's think this through. Let's assume that it is not good news. What's our next step, if it comes back positive, what does that mean Do you do monsters live in the darkness, turn the lights on and see what we have to deal with here. What are the chances? What are you actually facing here? What are you dealing with? That's the person I want to talk to some.
Vapid, imbecile that comes by pets may on the back of the hand and tells me it's gonna, be ok and left there, a soothsayer that doesn't give me any comfort whatsoever it's gonna be ok. Really. How do you know that? What is it that you know that I don't know? Look there. This trying to be supportive right. I hate to be harsh with him, but frankly, shut up. You know, know anything about it. So why are you talking to me about it? I want to talk to somebody that has talked to the highway patrol or has some way to get some information or understands what the diagnosis would mean or what has some raw? of it information grounded in reality and based on fact. Instead,
They want to make themselves feel better because they came over and patted me on the hand and told me it was gonna, be ok deal with the truth, as I have studied case after case after case of champions case after case of people that are winners, whether its in business, research, athletics or whatever. I never found people that state in bad relationships. Interestingly enough, they didn't have unusually high divorce rate, but they didn't stay in bad relationships. You know what they did. They said this sucks. I don't like this, it's painful it. Pains me of my energy, so I may they're going to fix it or move on, but they would say, okay
We're not gonna do this anymore and I always tell people that if you don't believe in divorce, ok then look at your partner and say we're not getting a divorce and we're not live like this anymore either. Neither Those two options so was the third option. We're gonna change. We're gonna fix this, but the people that I've studied as champions by and large do not stay in relationships that are toxic, sick draining pulling them down and they admitted them minute. They see it. Maybe it's them. Maybe it's their partner may be as this away. They come together, but they admit it because the
The thing worse than being in a bad relationship for ten years has been in a bad relationship for ten years, and one day the sooner you know it the faster you can deal with it so deal with the truth. If you're in a business and is bleeding cash, don't kid yourself tell yourself: were bleeding cash here deal with the truth, when you open your kid sought, drawer an you, push all the socks to the side, so you can put some more socks and saw a drawer and there's a baggy marijuana. Lay in there and standing at the door Tappan your foot when the kid comes home, any says, o k and no big deal. That's not mine. I took that from Billy because I didn't want him to get caught.
Is it and I told him we're just not going to have that? Don't be an idiot? It's in his sock drawer! It's his drugs people, don't give friends their drugs to hang on to deal with the truth. You find drugs in your kids drawer. It's your kids, drugs, I'm sorry, and if it's his drugs and he gets burn for it. Then he learns a good lesson, its idiotic to behold in drugs for your friends, but don't lie to yourself because you want it not to be your kids drugs. And if you know your kids on drugs and their telling you mom. I quit that I'm not gonna, do it anymore and you go find drug pair. Finally in the room where their car or their stay, up all night there showing drug behaviour don't lie to yourself deal with the truth and people always say,
doktor feel. One thing I deal with is how now I've just got a really poor self image. I got really low self esteem and I've got a really poor self image. You would think that a psychologist would say well come on. You gotta believe in yourself get a positive dialogue going. That is not the first thing. I say the first thing I say as well: let's look at the truth. Is your poor self image? Is yours, Oh self esteem, realistic seriously! If you haven't worked in two years and your abusive with your wife and your beauty, alcohol. You should have a bad self image You should have low self esteem. Let's deal with the truth, I dont want
you'll puff this guy up when in fact he has a pretty clear view of himself. What I would rather do is our that he has a clear view of himself and that his poor self image is accurate, and so putting on his to do list is to change who he is and how. Ah, he behaves rather than changing the dire. Talk about how he's labeling, who he is and how he behaves also get to be all things because they are profound. They stick around generation to generation to generation because they fit all saying is you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. That's the throne generation, because it's true, you can take some body that is unemployed, wife abuse. Drug addict and gave us a positive things to him.
Others like putting lipstick on a big you're, not dealing with the truth. He needs to be honest about that, so he can put on his to do list improving his values, improving his behaviour, improving its motivation, improving, goals in life, rather than just changing his internal dialogue, we're talking Stop medicine. We always say that early intervention, early detection, early intervention is often the key to a good outcome. You say that because it's true you catch something before it gets a good foothold. You can often times knock it out, but if you wait until it overcomes all of your body is resistant to compromise your constitution it's an infection that spread throughout your whole body, something that could have been easily handled now be
I mean your mental or even insurmountable. Why? Because you didn't deal with the truth, you didn't admit you had a problem. You didn't want to go to the doktor because you were afraid what he or she might tell you. You didn't want to hear the truth. So you stuck your head in the sand and it got worse and worse and worse until you couldn't deny it and now what could have been easily eliminated becomes a serious problem. You must deal only with the truth and the sooner you do, the better off you're gonna, be that's number fourteen
play both for success. High cholesterol affects more than a hundred million Americans and is a major risk factor for heart disease. The number one cause of death in the: U S, while healthy lifestyle choices, can help me these high cholesterol, that's often not enough status or attack The medication is proven to be safe and effective in the treatment of high cholesterol. There are multiple stuff Mmm options available but they're, not all the same? If you have, high cholesterol and are experiencing any challenges with your medication. Talk to your doktor because, There may be another one. That is more right, for you check out, take cholesterol to heart, dot, com a great educational resource from Coliform a America ink. As with all medications, side effects can occur, with Staten Use and your doktor is always the best source for information and answers check out. Take cholesterol, too.
Art dot com and talk to your doktor about by ending the right stand for you number fifteen. You must recognise in use the ego and greed of others to create a path to success. You heard me right. He who flush recognise in use the ego and greed of others to create a path to success. You they are ripe. Doktor fail. You start to play hardball now I am so serious. You ve got to understand the psychology of human nature. If you want to get people to do what you want people to do, you have to understand what makes people tick. I've said a thousand times that from the time I was
Twelve years old. I have been fascinated by why people do what they do and don't do what they don't. Do. I think about that, for a second, the world is interactive. The world is a game. The world is a competition. This is not communism here. This is capitalism. Somebody's gonna win, but he's gonna lose somebody's going to have the top spot in the hierarchy. Somebody's gonna be at the bottom. Somebody's gonna be the most pillar somebody's gonna be the least popular somebody's gonna have the highest paying job. Somebody's gonna have the lowest paying job. We ll
if, in a meritocracy, that means we advance based on merit, we advance based on what we can get done and if you have the ability to get people to do what you want them to do, when you want them to do it, is there any way you can not be successful. And I think the answer to that is no people that can motivate other people that can move others, people that can rally. Others are going to be successful if you're a salesman, don't care of your selling computers or software or cars or houses or insurance
what ever! If you understand why people do what they do and don't do what they don't do. You are going to have a huge edge, a huge advantage over every one else. If you understand that about yourself, how many diets have you been on? How many diets have you quit I talk to a guy the other day. It told me he had lost four hundred and eighty pounds said really. He said yes, I've lost the site aim twenty pounds over and over and over again, I ask you ve knew why. Why do you start and then stopped me that I'll have a clue. I get bored. I guess so. I wrote a book about diets.
And I got into a huge survey about why people fail with diets and why they don't, and it was really interesting one of the big idols. Was they get bored they the same stuff? I start crave other stuff and they re Bell. They get bored and they re bail. They get bored, they reveal that get bored. They were
So if you ever gonna have a diet is successful? You ve got to get around boredom, so you don't get rebellion. What makes you tick? Why do you do what you do? Why do you work? Is it for money? Is it for recognition? Why do you coach your kids? Why do you go to parties? Why do you do anything you do? If you don't know why you do what you do you need to find out? Why do you not do what you don't do you need to find out.
You are mentioned that I was at a social event this weekend. Let me tell you something about myself: you're, probably going to think I'm lying to you here, but I'm not I'm very shy seriously. I'm very shy I understand I'm on television every day understand. I talked to like thirty five forty million people a week. I understand that and I bet you think I don't look nervous up there at all and you know what I'm not I'm, not the least bit nervous. Why? Because I'm task oriented you, give me something do in a crowd doesn't make. It appears to me of the crowd. Is ten million or a hundred million makes no difference?
to me whatsoever. As long as I have something to do. You put me at a cocktail party with fifty people hundred people whose last week in four hundred five hundred people, it's my Personal hell, I would rather get a route canal from a bad dentist, then go to account they'll party and make small talk. It's just Am I thing I don't like it, and so I dont do it very often. I only HU. It is it's in there for a really good friend that I want to support, and I do it because I want to support them more than I want to avoid the discomfort of the event, which was the case this weekend, Tyler,
there is a very dear friend of mine and I would not be therefore him for the world, so it way over shadowed my aversion to that kind of event. So I know why I don't do what I dont do. I don't do cocktail parties. I know why I'm uncomfortable I'm shy. I dont think I am eating particularly interesting to say, and I'm betting, you don't have very much of trust. To say I don't find small talk interesting. I know they don't find it interesting for me, so I just don't go. I would rather stay home in my danish courts and socks with Robin and do something around the house. You need to know why you do what you do and don't do what you don't do. What do you spend your time on.
I play tennis every day. I know why I do it exercise sneak up on me. I hate jogging ear. See me running through a neighborhood shoot. Whoever is ten feet behind me because they are chasing me. I'm not jogging, I'm being pursued so, please knock off. Whoever is right behind me, I'm not jogging. I hate it, but I'll run three miles on the tennis court, no problem because we're keeping score there's a ball involved through something to chase and keeping score. So it makes up on me it's my social life. It's my exercise, its my competition. A job at heart, so it made several needs. I know why I do. It is also important for my health and so I've done it for years and years and years. So I know why I do that dislike
I know why I dont do cocktail parties. I know why I work, I don't need to work, but there are all different kinds of currency and I take a lot of pride in delivering common sense information to people's homes every day for free. Forty eight percent of rural communities in America have no mental health professional available to them at all. Zero zip nata, nothing, but they can watch and get information that commonsensical and applicable to their lives. I think it serves the purpose, I think in my opinion, it the highest and best use of television. I don't you see, only use a television I watch sitcom, sometimes it somebody might look at it say or less this mindless programming. We know what that mine was programming
is very important to me, because sometimes I want to just relax and his laugh. That's a great decompress! for me. I enjoy that so, even though I think what I do is the highest and best use a television. I think everything serves the purpose, so I work for a currency. That's not monetary, well, founded monetary, but I mean It's not number one! The currency is that I'm doing something meaningful that I'm proud of I'm talking about things that matter to people who care, and I know that so that's what motivates me and I like being number one. I like that we strive really hard. I know why I do what I do. I don't kid myself about it, and I know why dont do I dont. Do you need to know that about yourself, everything as a pay off it's easier to see your pay off when you figure
why you do what you do than it is to figure out why you don't do what you don't do, but it still possible. All you have to do is say. What is my pay off for of voiding a situation? What is my pay off for withdrawing from or sitting on the sidelines in a situation, because anything you do repeatedly anything you do in pattern has a pay off. In my situation, where I say I
and do not go to cocktail parties. It's easy for me to figure out, because I asked myself the hard question. Ok, what are you avoiding? What are you afraid is gonna happen? What is it that makes you uncomfortable? Why do you not go to parties? What is my pay off for? Not doing it for me, the pay off is. I avoid the discomfort of having to be in the social situation that is not rewarding for me, I avoid these the social awkwardness of standing around with a bunch of people I don't know particularly well or wooden.
Lange, their cars down. To hang out with him. I mean just a void that situation and that's my pay off. So if there's something you don't do like you, don't practice a certain skill or you don't do your weekly reports at work You don't go to therapy with your partner, whatever. What's your pay off for not going? What are you a voiding and what you're avoiding? Is your motivation for not going? That's your pay off you of void the pain of what would be brought on if you did it, but I was talking about other people. You need know why. Other people do what they do and if you know, then you can.
Motivate them by giving them the currency they need in order to be motivated to do what you want them to do. Let me give you some clues. People's favorite topic is themselves. People's favorite topic is themselves that you may think I gotta buddy his favorite topic as football. Now, Not his favorite topic is himself. He wants to talk about what he thinks about football. He was talking about what he thinks. The giants, we're gonna, do where the cowboy you're gonna do, or the forty nine as you gonna, do his favorite topic is him or herself.
Now, here's a scary reality. I've talked to you about this little bit before we believe people who, like us they met when it is said. We believe people who, like us, we believe people, because we feel liked by will them so, if somebody is a good audience. And we feel like they really like us. You get somebody said that they really liked They are interested in what I have to say. They laugh at my jokes. They pay attention. What I say they seem to be focused when I'm around. I really feel liked by them. The truth is unconsciously. You tend to believe that person more than some.
He who does it like you or who is neutral on you there, a good audience. And if they know that they're playing to your ego till they may really like you no question about that. But if that's true they're going to enjoy validity, they're going to enjoy being believe,
why you, let's translate that into behaviour, for you give you wanna, be persuasive with someone be that audience. If you wanna be persuasive, someone make sure they feel liked by you accepted by you validated by you, because if they do they're going to feel comfortable with you and when they feel comfortable with you, they are more prone to believe what you say. So if you say this is a really good car, this would be a good choice for you and they feel liked by you they're going to be more likely to believe you when you say this is a good car for you
Some of your car salesman and you can make that customer feel liked by you you're, going to have a lot better sailed record than you would otherwise. What's the theme song from the outset com, two years you like to go where everybody knows your name right, people like to be accepted, they like to feel like they belong and if you can make people feel accepted, make them feel liked by you you're going to be a lot more persuasive, though you're, probably thinking you're being really manipulate. Now I'm not telling you how the world should work, I'm telling you how the world does work. This is huge dynamics, one o one. This is Psych one o one. If you want
No, why somebody with a good personality, a gifted gab already smiled, is the tendency to engage people. This seems to do well in life. I just told you I'm not say as well, did they understand why it is now, if you could say well, ok, as fine dock at his door play that game. Ok, that's ok, but if you want a when you're gonna play the game by the rules that exist, you're gonna understand human nature, that's just the way it works. I'm telling you this. So you can use it, not abuse it. Now, bakers, they groom people, so they can cause them. They will you this information and I'm talking about so they can groom somebody to sell them phony stock or said, do somebody's wife or get somebody to lie for them or whatever they do it for illicit
reasons? It's not the reality that is evil, it's the use of it. That makes it evil or not. If you use this information to get somebody to buy a car, it only becomes a problem if it's not really a good car, if you're getting them to buy something that you know they can afford you know it's a women and you just trying unloaded on some poor schmuck
Oh you use these characteristics. These traits these behaviors to get this poor succour to buy this dog with fleas. Ok, now you're a baker. You abused your knowledge of human nature, but if you use that to be effective at doing good things, then I don't see that is evil. But again, I'm not telling you how the world should work. I'm just tell
you how it does work. Ok, we ve come to the end of a long journey, was number sixteen and I won't say that I've saved the best for last, but I will say that I have saved the item for last that, if you miss manage it can have the most devastating effect on your life. You must pick your battles and never let your opponent have control. You must pick your bad, and never let your opponent have control. Let me talk about what I mean by pick your battles. Don't ever get in a fight that you don't need to fight. There are a lot of people that just they just can't pass up
There are five hundred students in the school, which means there are probably seven hundred and fifty parents, you don't have to be the one it fights at battle. Don't ever find a battle that you don't have to fight school, which means there are probably seven hundred and fifty parents, you don't have to be the one that fights at battle. Don't ever find a battle that you don't have to fight, you can think ok adopt filling what you're saying is be a passive bystander. What it very body takes this
the tube. Well, if you look around and nobody is stepping up, then that's a battle you need to fight, but you don't need to be the one that charges every machine gun nest. First, every time you don't need to be the one it puts yourself at risk, every single time. Don't fight battled! You don't need to fight fight. Your fair share contribute support, but you don't need to be the first one through the door. Every single time, there's gonna be a conflict. Don't ever find a battle that you don't know you can win now had hit your brasiliano wait a minute. What do you say
and here I would say, and if you can't win the battle, don't fight it. Why fight a battle that you cannot win again, I'm not telling you how the world should work. I'm telling you how the world does work. Why fight a battle? You can't win? If you know that you can win this debate, this argument with your boss, then. Why do it go added another way, find another approach. Co opt him or her into your way of thinking, but don't choose to engage in a battle that you can not win. Let's talk about those battles that you do fight. If there's going to be a confrontation, there's going to be a showdown there's going to be an hour,
there's going to be something that is going to come to a resolution with a winner, Anna Loser, you set the terms, you choose the battlefield, you pick the turf. But let me tell you how that works in the real world. That means, if you ve, got a conflict with a spouse, a kid coworker, somebody at the school, whatever they don't get to choose. When that showdown is gonna, be you choose when the showdown is gonna, be they may come out to the carpool line and say yeah lady? We need to talk. Ok, we'll talk
when you're ready to talk. You don't talk when you ve got five minutes to get to work, you're, feeling that pressure you're sitting in your car she's all dressed to the north. Signs year there and some sweats with your hair sticking up, you don't feel ready. You haven't thought about this. You haven't gathered your thoughts. Put down your bullet points, you're, not ready. Then that's not when you engage she setting the terms and the turf you don't agree with that. You have to say: that's fine I'll get in touch when we can work out a schedule, you don't let them dick.
Set the terms and I'll guarantee you ninety percent of the time people let their opponent dictate the terms. Don't do that say? Okay, that's fine! Not here not now well when and where then I'll, let you know don't give them control. Well, you call me by noon. Yeah I'll call you when I call you I'll be in touch. You set the terms you set the place. You set the time I do not want to communicate all that if you have something, that's really important to you and you want to get a concession from someone Then you may want to get really prepared and surprise them. You may want that all your direction row all your facts together, all your informant should organised, get everything ready but it all down on a piece of paper notepad you might want to go over.
In front the mirror five times you might want to record yourself on. Her voice memo on your phone. Listen to it back! You ma want to go through ten times and then just walk into their office. Not not not not, and he talked to you about something really important. You ve got a minute. You set the time you ve said the terms you ve set turf, you're ready, they're. Not what's really important. Is that you go in knowing what is a win? What is it you want? Don't go in there just event. Are you looking for an apology, compensation change? Are you looking for
or some reassignment are you looking for some kind of acknowledgement from your child or your spouse were of what decide what is a win? I think you should avoid confrontation at every turn avoid battles at every turn, but when you do you need to play the wind and you need to know exactly what is a win? You want to give them a face, saving way out, but when
say when it has to be a win. It's not like being a sort of pregnant you either when or you don't. Ebbed is a confrontation. If it is at the cereal, you don't sword a win, you don't sort of get a concession. You need to crush him and again your by thanking them then seem very fair. It's not fair here in a fight I've said avoided everywhere: you possibly can try to negotiate. Try to come up with some kind of cooperative solution. Try to come up with anything you can sides a battle, but if you get into a battle- and there is no way to avoid it-
Then you need to play the wind and you need a decisive victory. As I said out, prepare the other side. What are their hot buttons? What is it you know you can talk about. That will distract them. That will get them to be. There are sufficient. You in the war, Tokyo rose was something that was used to really distract the american troops. The Japanese had this radio station that played for the american troops to listen to. They play music that the american troops wanted to hear but then the dj, the commentary was Tokyo rose and she was putting out propaganda. Do you know that your country hates you d,
they don't want to be in this war. Did they know that this is all over and it you're losing and that you're not supported back home, Et Cetera, trying to push their hot buttons to demoralized them, but what a hot buttons of the person you're in a battle with what are they sensitive to? What cannot distract them with but understand? No, what constitutes a win and don't stop until you have it. Let me go back over this in quick summary pick, your battles, don't fight, one that you can avoid. Don't fight a battle, you can't win, make sure you set the terms used at the time you set the turf out. Prepare the other side, be absolutely certain. You know what it is. That constitutes a win for you and when I say avoid it,
try to work? Something out, try to compromise. Do anything you can't I'm just talkin about when you get drawn into a battle where the you want it for not like. I said I would never go into a nice restaurant be standing in the lobby and get in a fist fight. But if I walk into an. Restaurant and I'm standing in the lobby, and somebody takes a swing at me. Guess what I'm gonna fistfight didn't want. It did choose it do anything to avoid it. But if somebody starts windmill and it made me in a fierce fight- and I am going to protect myself and my family- and I am not going to stop until I know he is one hundred percent of do not sworder, but a hundred percent subdued I didn't want, it didn't choose it, but once I'm in it, I know what a win is in
is to eliminate the threat to my family neutralize the threat so do everything you can to avoid these, but make no mistake when you get in them play to win some of these things. I know you're going to be thinking boy. You sound pretty cutthroat, like I said. I'm not telling you how it should be telling me how it is so take what you can use reject what you don't want it. That's not going to change the way the world works. We're gonna talk about how to use this in your life in some different ways in some upcoming podcast. I hope this helped. I'm Doctor Phil.
Transcript generated on 2020-01-24.