I want to take a pause here to give you a quick preview of what's airing today on doctor phil, take a listen twenty five year old officer gifts and what a federal jury found, both Terrence, richardson and ron claiborne not guilty of Alan gibson's murder. Yet they're spending life in prison, Allen's daughter, believes the right. Two men are behind bars the thought of each parent's inference family for the first time. These people lie to you had nothing to do with the death. Defying doctor Phil check your local listings and for more on today's tv episode log on to dr phil dot com now back to fill in the blanks you'd get that you need to take care of you, so You can take care of other people. I want you to take care of you. So

you can be a gift to your family. I want you to, we one of those people that stumbles around in life I want you to be one of the people that says there is a consequence to every behaviour. So when I choose their behavior, I realize I choose the consequence. If you think your damaged in some way. you're gonna generate results that second class people should have. If you look, people that are really successful in business or really happy in her marriage and family, and you say secretly well that's for them. That's not, for me. really deserve that. Then you Regenerate that, if you have a damage, personal truth, you will generate a lifestyle. The standard of living men emotionally physically, financially socially, that goes along with being damaged. Probably gonna think that

Maybe I'm a pessimist, or maybe I'm a little paranoid. The truth of the matter? Is I'm not, I am actually an incurable optimist, but I'm an off most, because I think we can prepare for anything and we always here that life is a game ban. I agree with that life. A game and you may They go boy, it's not you get a terminal disease or something that is not a game. Yet it is. You have to be a player? It the game it does. A games aren't always funny either not always frivolous they're, not always for trivial stakes. Sometimes a game, has I that our life or death, but there still a game, in the game alive. I just the belief that you either gonna be a player or you going to be played

My problem is: if you're like me, and you were raised by the kind of parents that I was raised by and came up through the educational system that I came up through you, were taught how the world should work How the world does work now think about the different you were taught how the world should were if you work hard, you're gonna get your just rewards and that, on playground, you always heard cheaters, never win and winners. Never cheat! Well, me tell you. That is exactly where the Belongs is on a playground with children because of you, think cheaters never win way cheese there's do when and winners do cheat blanche, Armstrong. May come on wake up That is just simply a myth

I was taught how the world was supposed to work, how the world should work, and then I go out there in the real world and found out how it did work and it was a whole lot different than what I was taught in here. The truth of the matter, your wife, just like my life, is full of bad people, add people is also a lot of good people in it. Don't get me wrong, but it's full of bad people and most of us at all, guilty of this for a period of time more Stop us are stagnant. We're unwilling to take the initial They d get bad people out of our lives. We let dazed and in the weeks weeks, turn in a month's months turn into years and we just let those bad people stay in our life. They have bad cop, where they dont wishes. Well, they don't want is to succeed there jealous if we do, they drag down sucketh dry. They try to take what hours in use for their own benefit,

they lie. Cheat steal, talk behind our backs gossip about a sabotage. Is there to face They betray us, we all have those kind. people in our lives because they hide in plain sight there just everywhere, you ve got him in every category of your life, and I'm gonna be asking you about that. I'm going to ask you to categorize your life work home, family recreation church. Wherever and just see if you can identify where these people are What I want to do today is, I want to talk to you about how to spot him and how to feed him. And knowledge is power, and I intend to give you plenty of both today. plenty of knowledge and plenty of power, and that Equipped you live in the world as it is not is how it should be. So here's the deal if you think this world is all her,

he dory. Let me tell you it's not its estimated right now that we have over five thousand active cults operating in america, for example, is estimated by the federal trade commission that, oh half of the phone calls you receive in your wife. This year, our goal to be scams. I think about what I just said, one out of every to phone calls you get are going to be based on somebody trying to take what is yours there, calling you to rob, you they're calling you to trick, you scam, you each you out of your money. There are this is a multi billion dollar industry and its prey Upon the unsuspected, the uninformed, praise upon the immigrant communities because their new to america- and they No, the system they dont know the laws, but it's

is the immigrant it praise upon those that are unsuspected then their uninformed. I can tell you one of the things that I have done with that boys at robin, and I have raised J and Jordan is I started out ribera beginning invested boys One thing I want to teach you is to always be situation, aware, situational aware. Walk into a restaurant why I didn't raise my boys to be parent wait to see the world as a scary place that they should shy away from both, Boys are very out going to bury engaging they have confidence because They have awareness because, go in wide eyed open at can go wrong, but I always talking about situational, whereas even if they just go into a restaurant, I always thought misseurs, you walk in the door.

Gay in the room. And find the most unstable person the most, Dangerous person in the room, keep an eye on them. Look for exits inner room look for What can go wrong in the situation and then go What about you go on about your business? Enjoy your dinner enjoy your evening, whatever you're doing but be Situation really aware what are you trying to raise a couple of james bonds here? What yes order? because I want them to be aware of what's going on here about you. Do you up in the morning and this kind of stumble around or are you situation aware? I love life, but not everything in it. I love: Paul, but not all of them. till I love myself, but not everything about me nothing is all one way or another, and there

his power in having a crystal clear view of reality. So yes, I do want you to be situationally aware. I do want you to pay attention now, you the example of the situation. The aware, when you come into a room, that's environmentally! Are you situational aware about the people in your life. do you know? Who, in your life, is not a fan do you know who, in your life Is your enemy. Do you know who, in your life is trying to exploit you stab in the back hurts you in some way and trust me when you know that you can be prepared- and you are whole lot less apt to become a victim. now, let me tell you the number one tool of

muggers, for example, and I've interviewed a lotta muggers What their number one tool is surprise tell me that they are walk up to somebody on the street at night and first thing they say is something like time. Do you have an because we're unsuspecting and because we're polite and because we're courteous. What's the first thing you do when somebody says time to have the first you do. Is you lift up your left wrist and you look down? Ok, so now you ve taken your eyes off the person in front of you. Put your down and put you hand in hand the opposition- that's hard to defend yourself, and in that second, they strike in them. girl. Tell me two things number one they ve now capacity to the person, because they ve got them to take their eye off the ball.

and they say then they ve got about a five second window when the person is in denial. They say therein denial about what's happening. Oh my god. I'm getting mugged here. Somebody just hit me in the head. Somebody just not me up beside the head, and it makes them that long to realise? Oh, I god I'm being mugged and in that time their are able to get the advantage. They rely on our denial, our unwillingness to accept that something bad can and is happening to them. That's what I'm trying to say to you right now to night lead happened to you. I'm talking about crystal clarity, when your viewing reality and situational awareness about the people around you and your environment? I want you d, be street smart! Think about people in your life

want to give you a name for them. They are called bakers, matters be a. I t, r bade her. be stands for back stabber ace transfer abuser, stands for impostor t stands, take her age. stands for exploiter, an all stands for reckless bade, That's a new word, that's a new term. I want you to put in your vocabulary, because I want you to find the bakers in your life and let me tell you how I came up with this. Go in psychology is to differentiate one pathology from another So we want to differentiate depression from anxiety. We want to differentiate. an anti social personality from a borderline personality? We want to differentiate those. You know why.

Because insurance companies require us to differentiate them, so we have a code. We can write down so weaken bill. Because you got it right down a code and then you send it in and they pay you money for that. So we gotta put people in pigeon holes, but the truth is, those are false, boundary lines, member to perception of uniqueness. I'd fi your strength and know what they are, so you can play to them and they leads to number two in your playbook, you must create a perception of uniqueness. Now. What do I mean by that? I mean you do not want to be a face in the crowd. You don't wanna be a robot. You do not want to be an interchangeable person in a relationship at your job anywhere if you're, just a random person that yes person, person could be here again. Another person can be here, I didn't make.

Much difference there, a lot of jobs or like that. You know jobs that will anybody can do This doesn't really matter who does it wrong with that, but that's not For you, if you want to improve your life, you have to create a perception of uniqueness and upset perception of uniqueness, because it doesn't do any good to be unique. If people perceive that your unique you ve got make sure they recognize your uniqueness. You may have some unique scale, but if nobody knows it, but you what good is it? so you have to decide unique. What is it about you, you dont, want just be in the middle of the herd. You dont want to blend into the background. If you to be a winner, you need to find embrace and project those things

that said, you, apart from the herd, set you apart from everything and everyone else uniqueness Is valuable in so many different respects, and I am one of those people that believes in a fine product lined product. You kid! the all things to all people, I think you have to be a defined product. People need to know what they get when they get you. I have some, to this philosophy, my entire life, including right now, when I say to you right now, doktor phil. What comes to mind just sake about that? What calls to mind the image your listing this, I hope it's something positive or maybe you'd is to day and because you love to hate me, that's ok because I don't have a need to be loved by strangers, but when you think of doktor phil I'll bet, you dont confused me with anybody else. Now there are other psychologist out there other shrinks out their other mental health professionals, but I'll bet

dont. Confused me with any of them and there are our guarantee you. There are psychologist shit America that have forgotten more psychology that I'll ever know, but they forgot. about learning how to communicate it. I've got some of them on my advisory board because I'll call them up it will be. something really complex or whatever, and I think ok. I want to make sure that I've got this right. I want to make sure I've got the cutting edge information. some of these men and women are the editors of the peer review. Journals I know they ve got access to research that won't be published. For another eighteen months, so they'll, give cutting edge information. I give a head of cutting edge information. Research has shown that you can get doktor feel that you won't see in the journals for another year and a half so I'm talking about o c. Believe me, I've got up to them.

in information, because I talk to people that no more about it than I do, there are some people, spend their entire career. On that one disorder. I don't but I know who does Why bring these experts in now? What I say: you're, not gonna, confused me with anybody else. There are people out there like John grey, John grey, wrote manner from mars, and women are from venus or whatever the title of it was I know John, very, sky lot of wisdom, but you not gonna confuse the two of us, because he going to pat your hand and tell you it's gonna, be ok and why and how Very effective at what he does, but we're very different, very different. you're, not gonna. Confused me with him Or him with me, I believe in a defined product and look you may say my defied product is I'm a barbarian. You may say

I'm the second coming of common sense in europe probably both a little bit right but No confused me! That's what I want you to decide. What is it about you? That's unique! it is about you that set you apart from the rest. If you want to win you're gonna have to be aggressive them. show inherit. The earth but is the old joke goes? Will step? the climate, it may inherit it, but none among them will step up to claim it. I want you to step up and claim it and that's before long to claim and accept praise and acknowledged integration way, but do accepted now think about that. Every strategy you embrace every act, plan you execute should be designed to distinguish you in a positive way

I mean you wanna get noticed you want to get ahead. I said you want to come up with an image that extinguishes, you through you through your uniqueness and you wanna, play big. That means you wanna make waves, you wanna make noise, you want people to notice you. When they do you're going get praised Maybe it's in your career, maybe it's in your family! Maybe it's in your social circles, romantic relationships! whatever it is, but p are going to step up and praise you. Why Is it that most people the problem, accepting compliments. Why is it that when somebody gets praise, somebody gets acknowledged? somebody gets the just rewards of everything they ve worked to achieve the typical

sponsors all shucks, weren't, nothin and dig their toe in the carpet, like all you know now, don't mention it though mention it. What the hell you mean, don't mention it. I've been working. six months to get noticed here. Yes, do mention it. Mention it to everybody. You know tell everybody, you know what I did you don't want to be one of those people that shies away from you have earned. If you have earned the right to be praised, if you have earned the right to be acknowledged, then you aid to graciously accept that and for some reason we have been taught humility, we shouldn't be embracing, praise and acknowledgement, and I told you this isn't for the squeamish, because I'm telling you you absolutely. Should humility, is great in in times in certain circumstances,

when you are on the move in your life in your career, in ever ready is your pursuing and you are weekly mobile Why? Wouldn't you graciously accept the problem it or the invitation to move to the next level than I can we think of two reasons. One you ve been taught its pride fallen. Narcissistic to seek attention so you shine it when it comes or two you really don't believe you deserve it it is really don't think that you ve earned it. You don't believe We ve deserved. Willoughby, remove at first obstacle right now. It is not pride for its egotist egotistical to except claim or, expect praise. Say expect because you teach people how to treat you. and when you do a job well, then you to teach people that you expect to be acknowledged for it and it

you don't do a job. Well, then, you should expect people to say hey that was not up to par. You need to step up your game you don't want to be lied to. If you want to succeed in this world, you need honest feedback right. You need people to tell you the truth. Or you're gonna continue, trend toward mediocrity or worse. You need to choose to respond differently when someone praise issue or confirms you're value so about simply learning and practising to say somebody praises you. They come up and say: hey I tell you you did I really good job on this project and you may Think it's gracious to say own whole. Listen that lives nuthin about instead saying Thank you for saying that you are really kind to notice. Is that pride full? Is egotistical is that narcissistic obnoxious

is it obnoxious for you to say thank you for saying that you're very kind to notice or that means so much coming from you so far. Q for noticing, and thank you for taking the time to say so that same obnoxious, everyone, first pillar romantic situation. You can reciprocate at the level of comment that you receive. It always save to begin with a straightforward. Thank you for your kind words add any specific reaction that you want to this second obstacle. If you don't believe that you deserve the credit or praise let me assure you, others will soon began to agree with you. Because anybody that's truly evaluating a person's worth value, skills and abilities. In their heart of hearts, they're going to say they themselves. Better, now do so. who am I to second guess them, they ve known themselves into day. They were born.

And they seem to know that there are not very smart. There are not very good they're gonna lazy and they don't really have ownership in the good outcome so who am I to second guess them? There to defer to you. Eventually they may not say to phase, but can promise you there eventually going to say it to themselves if you lack self confidence if you'd whack self worth like said you teach me my treat, you presume beggar to agree with you I hear you doc, but where the line I mean does that make you self promoter yeah? Probably so? If even you won't boat yourself. Why would anybody else? I do too to feel every day five days a week, If you do a year people, ask me is this: fourth watching. What do you think I say? Oh, no, no, it's just

do. I don't know that's what I say absolutely not. I say I absolutely believers worth watching. We really work to de stigmatize mental illness in america? We give for common sense, information delivered to their homes every day for free and, I think, fact that it is the highest and best use of television. Is that of promoting. I hope so because I intend to promote what I do, because I believe in what I do and if somebody sees me on the street and they come up and say, doctor Phil, I just love your show. I love your message. I say thank you thank you for saying that, because we take it real seriously, this great I hear from you that you take him out your data. Was, it means a lot. Why would you not do the same thing in your own life? asking you to do that because, as one of the things winners do number five you us become essential. Now this those with being unique that mean.

There's something about you that, distinguishes you from everyone else, and you want to be noticed right, But what I am talking about now is in whatever situation you're in you, gonna be perceived as essential and I'll give you a piece, a good example of what I'm talking about. I have had the same personal assistant for forty plus years now and her name is barbara, let me tell you how essential she is She knows everything about my life. If to pass code to get into the nest thermostat at my house, I call Barbara. She knows what it is, I need the past codes to the screaming services on my phone. I dont know what they are. But barbara knows if the printer, the copier gets jammed at the office.

Maybe a lot of places, call the company and say this isn't working all I've. To do is, say Barbara She comes in and she knows exactly what to do. She can unpack it deconstruct it put it back together. In the time, somebody else would take to call a repair man she knows where every contract is where every file is, how to fix every office machine she knows what every phone number goes to. She knows who to put through who not to put through she, It is essential. It's like You would feel if you lost your phone. If Barbara took a week and just went totally off the right are, I guess they just have to put me in a medically induce coma. she knows everything she is essential. if somebody said well, you're gonna, to cut back here, you're gonna have to get rid of some employs. She,

would be last on the list because she is essential in so many different areas, She is a jack of all trade and a master of most. She is central supposed somebody that maybe specialist somebody. They do this job. They do that job She has made herself essential due p four perceive you as being an essential member, of your socio. Graham an essential member of your work group, an essential member of whatever it is, that you are involved in and if you want to be a winner, if you to be an important. member of the team you need- to create the perception of being essential. I say perception because it's not just enough to be essential. You have make sure that people perceive you as being set that's what I mean about accepting praise if somebody comes into as well

sure glad you're here cause. You know how to do well. Everything You don't wanna say well, no, I mean airbus. God knows how do all this stuff. You kidding me so well thank you for notice and I've been here a long time and have made it my job to learn. I guess every job here so Thank you for noticing you want. Confirm. Yes, I am agile, damn right, common sense. Tells you that if they don't miss you and you're gone chances. Are pretty good you're gonna be just that gone I don't want you to just hope this doesn't happen to you. I want you to find actions. You can take towards becoming essential, irreplaceable. In whatever scenario urine and while we're talking about common sense. You want a guard and protect what you know do

Give way the recipe to the secret sars remember there is no reality, only perception so to maintain this perception, you want a guard, you unique knowledge. if you know how to do. Things that only you know how to do. You really Don't wanna go teach three other people how to do those five things they may and will then come on dutch I'm a team player. I want everybody to be able to do everything I can do well. Ok Knock yourself out But if you want to be essential, if you want to be a player, if you want to be a winner, you are going to maintain some unique scalesome, unique ability, some unique knowledge that nobody knows, but you I am asking you to think about that. Does that make sense

don't give away everything that makes you essential everything that makes you unique. So bottom line. What I'm telling you here is the secret to success is to know things. No one else knows And guard those things you know no one else knows mean just be smart about it when you get into the game alive folks, This is just not checkers and views. think that other people, playing this game with T jake objectives in mind, then you're going to miss the level at which life is happening, don't be one of those it doesn't get it. This is Yes, not checkers number. Six! You play book. the issue must know you're real currency. I just

really don't like cycle babel I don't like words that have been so over use that they lose their meaning it really bugs me when I hear people talking about, I want to empower people I what you'll come on. I mean it. Power has been used so much that its lost its meaning. What do you even mean when you say that? about number six. You must No your, real currency, do you really value obvious form. A currency is monetary money. That's currency, currency is money but there are other forms of currency right like getting pray we just talked about accepting praise a lot of people value, getting praise and acknowledgement

used to say about general pattern in the war, You give him a couple of headlines he's good for another hundred miles. The press. do whatever the odds are dead, loved headlines be like that. was a value to him, so people love social currency, They love friends. I love to feel like they have a sense of belonging to a group. We are, I'll feel better. If we think we're part of Something we belong, something they were accepted by others, if You have spent time in prayer in meditation. In reading, the bible, the koran or whatever it is that is. Your connection and you feel a sense, a piece about that. You feel closer walk with your house. Your power, which are used to call god, then you have spiritual currency. You feel You have a connection

So there are lots of different forms of currency. Sometimes, when I go home at the end of the day, and I feel like we were with some people today that I made some real headway with an were teaching tools and so based on what we covered. guessing that millions of people got a message today. That was very important. and so I go home and I'll, be really tired, but it's what I call a good tired, I feel Like I used my life, I used my platform today in a really, steve impact for way. That's current, see. For me. I feel like I've, made a difference today, Oh that's a currency for me and you ask yourself what is your currency. What is it real currency

what somebody else's should be. Your currency, because the worst thing in the world you can do is waste time. The key is to not waste time or effort, even on a short term. Go if that goal. cannot yield? What you really want in need? is just simply inefficient. I've known, people that have pursued a specific career they ve got On the school in a degree worked in. at field, gotten, The top of their field and been terribly unfulfilled because Was never what they wanted to do to begin with it? Was the currency that they wanted. Worked with a woman one time in life, skills seminar that heads bit her entire life, up to the age of forty five working, an attorney and

It was good at. She was a good attorney, but passion. What she really wanted to do, was dance on broadway that was her. Dream is little girl. It was her dream and junior. I high school college, you wanna dance on Broadway. I said why did you not? She said well, I've got in the way that was an attorney my grandfather was an attorney My mother was apparent legal. our family were lawyers. This is what we did. I was excited to be allow you, when I get through with school, of the expected to go, join my father's law firm and I I did what I was expected to do. And everything I do. I try to do well, so I was good it doing it. and now I'm forty five years old, have you ever seen a forty five year old answer on Broadway well, I don't know I've never check their ideas, would probably you're right. I don't know it seems to me probably a young person's thing

Well, so I guess I'm screwed as well, maybe not and so we worked on that and said, okay, what is Did you love about this case? after dancing on Broadway. I just love the creative parts of it, the expressive parts of it. Choreography the costumes that just everything about it, what I wanted. All my life. Well. Have you ever thought about teaching dance in your community theatre. No, Well, let's think about that and jump ahead in the story, two years a very skilled answer. She volunteered community arts programme became head choreographer, and the first thing that she worked on was the nutcracker for the christmas program and when I saw her two years later, and she had twenty or twenty five young girls

She was working into this wonderful programme as they were putting on you couldn't even get her feet on the ground she was so fulfilled by finding a way to, that real currency. And most of these girls were firm. underprivileged tomes and her career as an attorney, alas, I heard a by every one of them, the shoes they needed to dance, the tides they needed a dance leotard, senator that's. She found a way to tat. What she had spent her life, doing, that she wasn't passionate about and use it to fuel what she was passionate about Ask her This is a substitute. I know this isn't dancing on broadway, but does it close she said the first I myself on the side of the stage and why

Those twenty two little girls run out onto that stage and do what they did It was my opening night so, He found a way to go, her currency to get her dream. Even at forty five years of age, How about you, you have to decide that you will not take no for an answer does tell yourself no dont, let some what else tell you no and don't decide there is only one way to get the currency you want. Decide that you ve blown it that it too late, because it is never too late. I said they were sixteen things into play book number fourteen, you ma deal only with the truth you Us deal only with the truth denial. Trivializing things

minimizing things less for suckers you have to deal with the truth. I don't care what It is at your dealing with whether its Irritating your kids. Dealing with the crisis in your marriage dealing the crisis in your health. You have to deal with the truth, Winners deal with the truth. and you know when they deal with it. They deal with it at the first opportunity. They have. They do with the truth as soon as it presents itself now, that's m self evident right. telling you that if you want to be a winner, wonder your items and playbook as you deal with the truth, you don't lie to yourself, but that's not

As intuitively obvious as it may seem, because we tend through something called perceptual defence. To screen out things, we don't want to see, we don't want to hear and give. Our brain access. two, only those things that don't upsetters and you have to consciously overcome that now- We talk about what I mean by that, Is it boils down to this. when you think about it, don't you know the truth when you hear it. Let's say you. Are really worrying about something. You're really worrying about the test.

From a doctor, you're really worrying about Your kids out on an icy road or something in it. you're really worrying about it. And your friends are there and I can't even buy a pat on the back and said: oh, it's going to be fine, always going to be okay. Now everything will be fine, Is it really make you feel better. Because it doesn't me it's never Made me feel better makes me feel better. Is somebody that comes by and says: ok. Let's think this through. Let's assume. that it is not good news. What's Next step, if it comes back positive, what

that mean what do you do? Monsters live in the darkness, turned the lights on and see what we have to deal with here. I have saved. The item for last if you miss manage it have the most devastating effect on your life. You may pick your battles and never let your opponent have control you ma pick your battles And never let european And have control now. Let me talk about what I mean by pick your battles. don't ever get in a fight. That you don't need to fight.

there are a lot of people. Is that just They just can't pass up a good fight argument. They just don't realize your recognise. They don't have to react just because they can. there might be something going on at school with the teachers of the p. There are five hundred students in the school, which means they are probably seven hundred and fifty parents. you don't have to be the one that fights at battle, don't ever by the battle that you don't have to fight. Now you can think ok adopt phil,

what you're saying is be a passive bystander. What if everybody takes this attitude, well if you look around and nobody is stepping up. Then that's a battle. You need to fight. You know need to be the one that charges every machine gun nest first, every time. You don't need to be the one? It puts yourself at risk every single time d? Fight battled, you don't need to fight Your fair share contribute support, but you will need to be The first one through the door ever a single time there gotta, be a conflict. Don't ever find a battle. That? You don't know you can win now

a surprise. Lay in wait a minute What do you say it here. I'm saying if you can't win the battle, don't fight it. Why fight a battle that you cannot win again, I'm not telling you how the world should work. I'm telling you how the world does work, Why fight a battle you can't win? If you know that you can't win this debate this, argument with your boss, the why do it go where it another way find another approach? Co opt him or her into your way of thinking, but don't choose engage in a battle that you cannot win

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