In part three of the "Toxic Personalities in the Real World” Phil in the Blanks podcast series, Dr. Phil examines the traits of a malignant narcissist.
“In my opinion, this is the most dangerous narcissist of all!” Dr. Phil says. “These are people that are cold, calculating -- but they can be very charming.”
This series addresses Narcissistic Personality Disorder; how to recognize it, establish boundaries, and how to coexist with those in your life who may have it with tools and guidelines that can help minimize damage to oneself and loved ones. For more information: https://www.drphilintheblanks.com/
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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
But I want to talk to you about something called the dark triad. Is there a point at which things, go beyond mental illness and just become pure evil. I it's doktor fail again and you are listening to fill in obliged. We are still talking about talks. Personalities- and this is the third instalment in this series. and we're still talking about narcissist narcissism- and I said spect the you guys- are starting to be pretty expert on narcissism right now, because I'm giving you some real, deep dive details, this disorder, which is what I'm meaning to do. I'm warning to give you some deep dive: infirm should about this, because I've heard
From so many of you that you have these people in your lives now we ve talked about the different kinds of narcissism, and today, I'm going to give you review of rock and spend a lot of time on it. If you want to hear about what we ve covered so far, which is the classic narcissist that was too besides ago, and in the last episode we talked about the covert narcissist. Listen, a narcissist is a narcissist. They have have a lot of the same characterised takes no matter how they express them go to be the centre of attention. They have an arrogance they have so many characteristics that you find travelling in your life. Life and of listed all of those have gone over all of them. For you, there are basic play for classic type there's the classic. We talked about the covert we talked about last time today, we're gonna
about the communal narcissist, an the malignant north the system. We're gonna, spend most of our time on the malignant narcissus, because in my opinion, This is the most. dangerous north This of all. and you're gonna find out why, in a fast hurry, now as I say, I'm not gonna spend a lot of time going back over all characteristics of the narcissist, because you're getting to be expert on these things right now, but you know their grandiose, they have biggie. girls, they have to be the centre of attention. They are people that just don't take well criticism. They always have to be the centre of attention either the classic nurses. Now the cover I suggest is a little
different in their approach, but trust me all of those same traits and characteristics are there, and I have heard from so many of you since I put out the cover, narcissist episode that, Sir, Oh my god I'm so glad that I have a label on this now, because I didn't realize what was going on in my life. I was getting gas lit so much a monopoly. I had so much by these people. I do Realize that I didn't realize what was going on now, absurd. I want this to be a conversation and not some kind of presentation that you would get a bee went to a seminar. Some graduate school class somewhere out is wanted. Talk about this, so I've got and read. So many of your comment, so many of your post. After listening to the he set, it takes me back to
When I was in school because we had that graduate student syndrome and we really headed in general psychology as well, where air, ray disorder we studied we had is like ok as soon as you start reading all the traits and characteristics we all came out. A class on anxiety, neurosis, egg, it, oh god, I'm an anxiety neurotic, where we came out of the class personality disorders, all convinced that we had a personality disorder, and maybe we did, but you focus on these things. So much you start taking your own personal. Inventory and start thinking. Oh my god, By that. Let me tell you why we have a tendency to do that. as I said, I think, Human behavior is on a continuum. So
It goes all the way from your really humble laid back people that. Wouldn't yell fire if they were on fire off The way to the narcissist. That firm sir Chest then tells you how great they are every time they open. Your mouth never give you a chance to talk. It's not always be about them. So that's all continuum, and so are you on that can dream? Of course you are we all or on the behaviour continuum from when were completely Comatose asleep, to all the way to win were our most animated in have moments where were maybe full of ourselves, but the fact that you have moments where you lapses To that doesn't make you an nurse, this is an
two point last time that, after reading all your comments, I think I need to underline that, is there is a difference between narcissism. And a narcissistic personality disorder. you can have a degree of narcissism and not qualify as meeting the criteria for the diagnosis of a narcissistic personality disorder because we all have those trading, Eric risks and by A malignant narcissist is now the diagnosis. Really it's a descriptor. and I'm not really under labels in the diagnostics. We really have those as much as anything else for insurance purposes, because when we're in private actors. In, u turn in something, you gotta put a code down so they know how to cattle.
Eyes it you had a code It into their system so they know what to pay foreign etc. So it really can be act in this where everybody has to be in a certain category, and I don't think it's really distinct is all that and oftentimes Those lines are pretty blurred, but I do believe there is something called the malignant narcissist and this was first talked about by Eric Fromm in nineteen, sixty four and then bout that time current burg came afterwards and started listing a bunch of symptoms and trades and characteristics and. Gunderson and running stem D. Some really great research on this cell of your one of those that lies to go. Look up the studies in literature there you have it, but the definite,
it is kind of this. A person who has symptoms of both the narcissistic personality disorder and the anti social personality disorder or the psychopath, what's usually ray heard too in law. Conversation is somebody's a psychopath These same show up as arrogance, a need for power and recognition and tendencies to use and exploit others for selfish reasons, and like most personality disorders, malignant narcissism interferes with relationships and it's not something that responds very well to treatment. Frankly, in narcissist sometimes use treatment as a training ground. They say, ok, they say that we exploit p,
ball, and we don't have empathy and we don't show remorse. So I'm going to verify and let some therapist teach me how people that do have those things behave and then I'll know how to mimic those, because narcissist can be very manipulative and certainly cycle paths are We manipulative now there is a difference, but win. The narcissistic in a jewel and the psychopathic individual lemme tell you what it is later on and will make myself notes- I don't forget, because I don't want to get into just yet note, so I don't forget that, but I want to talk to you about something called the dark. Try And that nobly sounds ominous and well it should. I gave a presentation last summer at crime con
down in Austin and it's a convention where they focus on true crime, and they deconstruct. These things are a lot of people. Professionals attorney and others that are really interest, in everything from serial killers to just murderers, all different types of criminals and what they asked me to talk about was evil the cycle ology of evil. Is there a point in which, things go beyond mental illness and just become pure evil, and I talked about something called the dark: try had now all hers and Williams first identified this back in two thousand to this ware, first solve what I thought was a coherent explanation of it
and envision a triangle, distant vision. simple triangle and at the time but the triangle narcissism on one other point? Is MAC Pavilion on another point is psychopathic? Now, if you you have those three things operating at one time. Then you're talking about What I consider to be a malignant narcissist, the now assisting part grandiose ego, pride, exploitive, manipulative doing what they need to do to get what they want.
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oh code like most people there don't respond to the right and wrong that most people do and inside echo path. I think this is the anti social personality. These are people that are cold calculating, but they can very charming. They do do not have the ability feel remorse. They can victimize, you steal from you physically hurt you it's not. They hide their sorrow. They don't feel it. They don't feel it there. You see a lot of these adults in view. Go back in to their childhood. You'll find that they were mean to animals, for example, they would torture pats, they would torture small animals that they would find, because they didn't have the ability to be empathetic,
didn't. Have the ability to put themselves in the creature position and think what it must be like be enduring that torture or that pain, so that site perfect tendency is, they will have others exploit other steal from others, and they don't have any remorse. They don't feel bad about it later. When we're too king about this dark triad hate, to say this, but the truth of the matter, is you see, this show up a lot, and our leaders. see egos manage politicians, people that Rise to the level of influence and control, why beak, as they are attractive, their cod for that their confidence, across as swagger
They seem strong, they give you a false sense of security and its easy to mistake, a menacing drive for passion? You think wow. This is real, committed person. They have tremendous passion, but really it's a very dark. Self serving menacing, drive and its easy particularly there, you're ceo or there you're later. Maybe it's a team captain that you're on a team bore or a manager that you work for it's really easy to say? Well, they may be cut a heartless manipulate in exporting view, may even say: hey these people. Like a malignant narcissist birthday our malignant narcissist there are winning.
their winning all of these sales competitions their mastering these performance criteria that we have to have an whereon that team so yeah there mom Narcissus, but There are, however, malignant nurses there really effective. They risk to the top of the heap here, and what people do they find themselves trying to get their approval so you start behaving in a way where they go. Okay, you get it buddy. I got it now. You get I can see and you think, that I value you got what it takes. You ve got that killer instinct, how many times have you heard people in industry? your sales or use Indian movies, in movies like no way we're turning over the western region, Neither here because you don't have that killer instinct. well. You know what that just a saying
they are really mean. We need somebody to weather and kill people, but. They really do mean he doesn't have Have or she doesn't have the instinct to do what it takes an in their estimation, that means to exploit people to break the rules to throw the rule book at the window. malignant narcissist that live inside. Dark triangle- are manipulative exploitive, cold. They will cut your throat and watch you bleed out, and I mean that metaphorically, if they can you you and abuse you and they have you trying to get their approval? Then they ve monopoly. did you into something where you think? Ok, I'm beyond their team, I'm their person we're gonna, go to the top together s, not true.
They have no loyalty to anyone except themselves. These the most dangerous leaders, the ones it try to get you to win their approval. Then Use you abuse you and then discard you in the chair. as they seem to get things done, so they get you to start believing in them. So I'm telling you Malignant narcissist is not a formal diagnosis, but it's a common term that we use to describe the traits and symptoms of both the narcissistic personality and anti social personality or what most people in lay terms call the psychopath. So what are we talking? well, grandiose attitudes, they feel superior to others. They have an excessive, Aid for praise and validation- they a poor reaction to even the slightest criticism.
they don't want to hear hey. That was a great job, but you know if you had just no. No, no. You need to put a period at the end of that. That was a a job period. They don't want to hear those. A job. If you had done this Now they don't want to hear that users and abusers. They are power hungry. They take everything personal, and this is what you need to understand about these people. The militia knit narcissist takes everything personal. It doesn't matter how you mean it. You could be talking about the situation. You could be talking about circumstances, you all found yourself in, but anything that is critical, they're going to take personal and considered an attack on them. They are evil, ruthless, vengeful, vindictive and paranoid, and it's interesting when we call these people parents,
because they leave in Emmy's in their wake malignant narcissist. As I said, these are people that exploit a lot of people. They step on a lot of people to use, abuse and discard lot of people. So just think about the wake. That's left behind a boat think about a boat going across the lake. What happens behind it? It just the water. It leaves awake behind it and malignant narcissist have a lot of enemies in their wake. So are they Para yeah they're paranoid, but they do have people that price Probably are enemies probably don't wish them well, probably will take any and every opportunity to sabotage the so they have to have their guard up because they ve burned people along the way. So.
When you have a mix of these characteristic, you're, not gonna, be good relationships. Think about it. do. You want to be in a relationship with somebody that is one hundred percent, all about them, They will use you, they will take credit for what you do they throw you under the bus every single time it comes down to it. Maybe you guys are workin on seven together at work and it goes badly when the boss comes right. Their throw in your ass under the bus every single time. They will go behind your back and stabbed you in the back. These are people that will lie, cheat steal and throw you under the best if it helps them thumped their chests, if it makes them look better by comparison.
You talked about levelling and levelling is really interesting, where these people were gonna. Talk about that so think about a combination of narcissism and then add to it all characteristics of the psychopath and water. Those psychopaths tend to be aggressive. Psychopaths, don't have the ability to form relationship, bonds, Psychopaths, don't have the ability to feel remorse site who pass will lie, cheat steal. They'll do any they can t get ahead and they don't ever feel bad about it. Take that and mix it with somebody that
actually has a bottomless pit in the need for approval validation. They have to be the center of attention they're going to do that at your expense and they're not going to feel bad about it. They can go to lunch with you, And then tell lies about you to your spouse at a dinner party that night, if it makes them look better, so I'm gonna put this chart on doktor fill in the blanks dot com. But when you look at the traits of the malignant narcissist, they have a pattern of grandiose arrogance. They act superior. They have these fantasies about power and success in vain. They have needs for excessive praise and validation. They feel entitled to special treatment and if they don't get it
they're gonna make you pay. They exploit news, others for personal gain. They don't have empathy their envious of you do well, they don't like it. You member, I said they take everything personal. If you get a promotion, they take it personal. You may not even work at their company and if you get a promotion, they take it personal. If you get a new car, they take it personal. If you guys have a wonderful, healthy baby, they take it personal. They think every six. Ass that anyone else has is at their expense. Now the anti social trades that you're gonna see in them is that they constantly violate the rights of others which psychopaths do psychopaths? As I said, don't Donna boundaries, they don't have a moral compass, so there
or violate other people's rights. Malignant narcissists do that they break the rules they break. The law cycle paths are constantly deceiving others. They lie and malignant narcissists will do that they just aim. There lies to Heather their own nest. Always they do it the grand eyes themselves to make themselves look superior in every way. Psychopaths are very impulsive. They don't have good decision making skills, their often irritable and aggressive. Now mix that with a constant need for admiration and the tendency to personalize everything. So now you got some by that's irritable and their aggressive and they personalize anything and everything you do they're going to attack you any time you are sharing something of success.
With them. So this can get to be really really difficult to live with. when you're around somebody, those extremely arrogant and self centred, and they discard feelings and needs of other people. Then that means you always being used. You never get anything back in the relationship. There is never a time where it's your turn. It's your time There is never any time where they come to you and say how are you doing and if they do- and this is very important if a malignant narcissist comes to you and says, how are you doing? Did you have a hard night? Did you
have a hard week, some going wrong, they're, not interested in you. What they're doing is good furthering information that will be turned into leverage to be used against you at a later time. You can never trust a malignant narcissist if they can, do you and they seem interested. They seem empathetic, they seem sympathetic. They seem to be concerned Your well being it's a manipulation. There gathering ammunition to use against you later, the manipulate you, so they can get leverage. Maybe it's against you or Maybe it's to use with somebody else there all
please sizing about ways to obtain more power and dominance over you. Any of you share with them. If you take them into your confidence you're giving them ammunition like, for example, you might be talk. Two, malignant narcissist and say that you find it. because they're so cold and manipulative on a given day. They might be seemingly interested in you and you go wow. This is different, and so you get sucked in an you share something with them and they might even Bates you. They might Tell you something about themselves, which will be a lie by the way in order. See if they can get you to reciprocate,
If you do- and you say like they may say, I'm having trouble in my marriage and it seems so unfair that I get judged all the time and you might just in passing, say all I know what you mean. It's sometimes it seems like you just can't do anything right. You know, and you might just be cut as saying that in passing like we all have those days you might just be trying to empathize. Well, you're they're mine, there riding that their o k can't ever do anything right when the opportunity presents itself and they feel like They can gain an advantage by going to your spouse, and telling them that you said that their judge mental and that they can never please them.
Never do anything right there frustrated and they manipulate and spin it up. they think they can use that and gain some advantage alienating your spouse from you. They will do that and it may not be true at all what their sharing with you about themselves to get you to loosen up a little bit and if you're someone that they believe has criticise them. You better put your garda because acts of revenge are coming. These are people that will hold a grudge for twenty years, but they're gonna get you.
these are people that are so dark and twisted that they will harbour a grudge forever. Then you may think will yield. Don't all people you hang onto resentments some well, no mature people forget. Don't necessarily forget. If somebody jerk some IRAN, they may say, look I'm off or give that. Let it go, I'm not gonna forget it doesn't mean allowed, spells myself to them again in the future, but not the malignant narcissist, their vindictive thereat for revenge. and if they label you as being critical of them, trust me they're gonna plan something vindictive to come after you, that's all
it's terrible to have these people in your life. Now they have high levels of aggression towards other people. For this reason They just see the world is a threatening place, and so there very deceitful, because I feel like I got up constantly misdirect, because the I'm gonna try to get me, so I got a point him in the wrong direction. So I'm a moving target here here is the philosophy of the lignite narcissist in one sentence, get them before they get me I have decided the world is out to get them Their credo is get them before they get. Because they're coming after me, it's just a mug to be a sucker and let them get me,
am I gonna get them before they get me. So that's what you're up against when you're dealing with these folks and understand they are motivated by power When you see them in a position of power, they are going to have a very coercive leadership style, it is, Kay with them to put their personal pleasure ahead of the safety of others head of the well being of others. The desert after them. These are people that,
Our way over represented in the population of domestic abusers, if you look at the research in profile who makes up the population of domestic abusers, you're gonna find a lot Of malignant narcissist in that group, you all know my podcast fill in the blanks and mystery and murder analysis by doktor fill an robins highly entertaining. I've got a secret, but did you know my son J? Has an entire podcast network called stage twenty nine podcast productions the letter, of high impact, shows rings fun, laughs, inspiration, powerful, selfish, proven insights and much more and our host our people. You know and love actress, this woman vivid, a fox comedian, Alec Mama, psychotherapist, Matthew, Dempsey, body,
to this end, curve model, Hayley, hassle, half best selling authors, Mitchell, Album, Doktor, MIKE Marino and my go to live coach might bear at straightway non podcast production areas, something for everyone go ahead and make your podcast life easy. Unsubscribe, follow and listen for free to the falsely of stay strain on pod, cast on Apple, bought, Gastro, your favorite podcast app or go to states rain. I not tv for more information. Thank you for listening in graduate school. You we had to go. Do they called him extern ships, but we had to go, do volunteer work at the city in county and your lot of times you hear about people going into court. family court or criminal court, and they ve had a restraining order on him because there's been problems in the home,
whatever, and so the judge might say: ok, you're goin. the anger management, because you Your hands on your wife in anger, you slapped her. You punched around You put her head through the wall. You did whatever same thing with child abusers. I've had to do groups where you have till one thousand two hundred and fifteen as much many people in a group that have been signed by the court to go through this group therapy, because there users, I mean they fly into rages in abuse, their spouse or their child map, was naive at the time and I thought cow man. These people are going to come in on you, sir
such a shame- trip they're going to be embarrassed to show their face down there and the other going to come in or going to sit there. Like all my god. I cannot believe I did Yes, I can't believe I'm here. I can't believe I have to sit in front of these people and talk about this, so I thought is going to be like pulling teeth to get anybody to talk to anybody participate. man. Did this naive, young student get the wake up, call his life? I found these to be the most arrogant. Belligerent upon a Jedi group of people. I had ever seen in my life. They were bragging about what they do. They were blaming the victim, they didn't deny it they said thou she exaggerated all this. She made all this up, but before they finished the paragraph that
We're saying that they were provoked into doing this, that the judge didn't understand, and or they wouldn't be there- this wasn't their fault. This was pushed on them. They were the most unapologetic, Belligerent people I had ever seen in my life: that's why you're dealing with when I'm talkin about malignant narcissism. Oh empathy whatsoever. I would pull their file out. Man say: ok, Bob. Let's see exactly what we are talking about here, so just exactly. Why are you here? Well, you have to ass a judge that well know I'm asking you, then why are you well, you know we ve, like everybody else. Oh really, Well, let's see here on six different occasions, you ve choked your wife to unconsciousness, you put her head through a plight. ass window and she had a hundred and forty two stitches, oh by the way you did this in front of your three children you broken,
of a ribs and knocked out. None of her teeth. think that would have anything to do with why the judge since you down here well, look a lot of that's blown out of proportion and I well, you can only take so much. Somebody gets in your face. What are you gonna do when they? I mean just argumentative in your face, and I look around the room to see if people are appalled- and there are a few- but for the most part there just waiting their turn And I look at him to see: if he's reading the Rome is, he embarrassed about this when He said it out loud what I've read his file out loud to confront this. is he at all you got it
feel like? Oh, my god, you does raise the price poker on me there, Mr Group, later now now He wants to talk about. It is like her forty two stitches. She should add two hundred and forty two of you too heard to crap. She was tellin me alive. Tell you something else, unbelievable. That's what I'm trying to get across to you with a malignant narcissist, and why am I telling you all of this, because I want get across to you, You ain't, gonna change. These people, there's nothing you're going to do. That is going to cause these people to get better or improve their attitude, their conduct, their behaviour stock happened. This is way above your pay grade. You're, not qualified.
You don't have the scale. You don't have the ability you we're not going to improve these people, and you are no chapter, two that story now there do I I don't have the skill. our ability to change those people because they have to want to change and that's the problem with personality disorders. People with personality disorders in large part may not recognise that it is working for them, so they this may think. This is the way they go through life. This is just too they are. This is our personality. This is how they do what they do. Why fix what I broke? These arrogant, belligerent, Dark triad, dwelling, malignant narcissist, no reason to change now. You think now come on that feel. How could that be? Well,
Remember what I said earlier these people tend to arise. Fairly high levels in a lot of circles. They get rewarded for this cause. That they get rewarded for this behaviour, they do get paid off by this people kowtow to them, people cave to them and give in so they think this is working for them and remember there are major attitude, is get them before they get me. very, very important that you get there now.
We're out of time so I've gotta stop this, but I'm going to have a part to do this and in our next episode, were going to talk about how to deal with a malignant narcissist and we're going to talk about. the communal narcissist and I'm gonna, continue to read all the things that you're saying about this, So I have an idea of what you're thinking, but now, let me say to you: win. When you re all this stuff and no a lot of your because you been goin to the website and you say you're reading a lot of stuff on posting. air plus. Listening to this, when you got a new hammer, everything
looks like a nail ed. if you're learning all of this about narcissism and your comments have been so in tune with what we ve talked about and Thank you. So I've never had so many comments and listen I'm doing this for a reason. I'm doing this because. I really want to have an impact on all of you and all your lives beyond the show. And I love being able to talk about specific personality types and specific characterised. each year ended in talk about strategies for dealing with them, and I want every one of you to get at least one friend to subscribe, to fill in the blanks and listen to this specific series.
Now I've got series on here that I've been really proud of living by design is one of those series. If you have it, listen to that. I encourage you to listen to living by design and its The library it's in the archives, but I want you to get at least one person to subscribe and listen to this series on toxic personalities, because that's kind of pay and it forward and saving somebody else from getting caught in this trap. I want is many people to hear all of this as possible and by the way, I'm not giving you a lot of opinion here a bit in this field for forty five years and there's been a lotta research on the narcissistic personality and a lot of research on the different types of narcissistic personality.
What I'm telling you is grounded in research and grounded in research over the last fifty plus years? Em, if you wonder, if what I'm telling you is right and comprehends even accurate, listen to other experts there talking on this and see if I'm giving you the Straits Guinea, because I am, these- are dark triad dwellers and their dangerous people. This is the most dangerous kind of narcissist and we're gonna talk more about that plus communal narcissist. Next time. Let me have you comments. Let me have your questions, I will see you were. I will at least be talking to you. Next Tuesday have a good week.
Transcript generated on 2021-11-09.