Are you a serial dater? Do you have trust issues? Or, do family members sabotage your relationships? Tracy McMillan, author, television writer and relationship expert from the hit OWN reality series Family of Fiancé, tackles these topics and more on this week’s Phil in the Blanks podcast. For more information: https://www.drphilintheblanks.com/ See omnystudio.com/policies/listener for privacy information.
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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Should you married someone, older yup, you didn't have our problem. Is you know I was his problem. He was my solution. I had a lot of fear and anger and defensiveness that I was bringing into the dating and relationship process and it was interfering with Having someone, I think you do have to be friends it's hard to be a friend with somebody? That's really angry. This is not to which means you found your way to fill in the blanks and I'm very excited day, because I'm with Tracy Macmillan, she is an author she's, a television writer, and she is a relationship expert which comes at a really good time, because we have just done a relationship series. I just finished
all that relationship. Reality check subtitled how much fun or you to live with, and I want to tell you a whole lot more about her in forty seconds. Speaking of relationship issues, I want to tell you about: what's going on Tuesday on Doktor feel we have an episode called break up breakdown, the mill
They made me saying that her relationship with their fifteen year old daughter liner, is strain because Alina is just disobedient grouchy and mean since her boyfriend broke up with her and alighted, admit, she's miserable and says she's disappointed. She didn't do enough to keep him. Then Lehtonen email me saying she was pursuing our dreams and a big city, and everything was going her way until her boyfriend Randy cheated and then dumped her Randy admits he was seeing several women and that he was never looked on his boyfriend. He just made her think he was Tunisia and I think you're gonna get a lot of this one. The duration thanks for joining us. They are really appreciate the what you do A lot of different stuff have a lot. I do. I do a lot of different stuff, but it all kind of focuses around relationships and so have, I what it means to be human being with that's why I thought this was a perfect time to do
this cause. We just as I said dinner relationship Series, call relationship reality check and when I really got into the things it you do you're right. There is a common denominator. Has to do with the human experience and relationships and also with your relationship with yourself exactly sir. People know you're also television screenwriter and you ve done mad man and good girls, revolt, marvels runaways, which is great by the way United States of terror, which I found really intriguing from a psychological standpoint. I thought it was very authentically done and I just thought it was engaging.
Necessary, roughness, she'd, even written for the embassy nightly new cells. Hey you ve got it done at all any written books of why you're not married. Yet I got here because this I love you and I'm leaving you anyway. This wanna hear kind of more about that. What do you find the most of filling out of what you do is anything jump out over the others, not suggesting, because I think their relationship pieces, the peace that I would do. I mean I would do it all, even if I won the lottery, I would still want to write television, but the thing that I do for free and for fun is to help people with their relationships and to help people. Now that the building block of a great relationship is having a great relation to put yourself and that, onto your inner relationship. It's really more about what you can give than what you can get. Did you decide that you were focused on this in your life
the new evolution wanna say sometime around my third device yeah I mean I can't two coaching people interrelationships by Trial and error, I'm a little bit of a jailhouse layer like I've, had all kinds of life experiences that led me into relationships that then everything I had to do to put myself back together? I share with other people in doing this for forty five years, and I tell people If you are getting ready to get into a new relationship, you should never do it. If you don't do an autopsy on the relationship you just got out at all. Obsolete on what you did that that brought it down. I mean, even if it was the right it needed a, and I must say that necessarily toxic night.
But if it ran off in the ditch origin reached its natural end or whatever, you need to look at it and see what you did, what role Will you played right these scribe that their absolutely because You can find a new person, but still the same may not have been so just moving locations and swapping out one partner for another partner does not actually solve your problems, and I think that's what I hear The come to reside, Ben. In you know, all these relationships- and I had to come to the conclusion that it was me and then it was well. What is it about me? Well, it's not that I'm a bad person, it's that There are ways of being in relationships and things I did not understand quite yet that I needed to learn that I needed to learn when you got any your first relationship did, you consider your early life.
As having damaged who you work as you were in foster care, you had a lot of experiences that most people have a hard time relating to if they haven't been through. At that time I mean I am still working my way through those experiences. That's the thing you know when your young, you think. If his linear and you're gonna put something behind you and that's it, and in fact life is both circle and a zigzag everything you know it's like it's not a straight line and then everything you experience, you're gonna experience it again, except hopefully your further up the mountain. This time when I got into my first relationship? No, it never occurred to me. My whole plan was I'm just gonna get way from my childhood and put that me find me and never looked back and that somehow, where it doesn't work, and I knew who to pack like, I could look around and see. Oh, I it, somebody from a good family. I knew somebody who is like south
person now. I know that would be like securely attached. I would understand that as an attachment thing, he was a great aye. But that didn't mean I have the skills to be in a relationship and I got for the first time at nineteen right, then people to hear critically. Looking back what impact think it had on you, because you talk about the fact that Your mother abandoned you and that's why I guess you wound up and foster care, of course, but Your father was not an eggs. Employers, citizen that ain't right he was a drug dealer at eight spend a lot of time in prison. Most of my life, the relationship with a guy I do and in it interesting Lee you know every people have complex stories and minds complex. My mother gave me for the first time at three months I was in full your parents or eighteen months and when I out. I went to live with my dad
dad became my mother and my dad interesting, is a very kind of salt person in one way. Now He was a criminal and he started going to prison and kept going to present, but he's act a pretty good primary attachment figure right. So what that is done to me. I can very much see how that affected me my relationships in fact man, arms. It's more like I have much more attachment stop with man than I do with women women. I'm really. You know my mom just gave me up. That was it. I more avoid ITALY attached to women an anxiously attached to man and you can an outline happy to talk a lot about attachment because I think understanding that is crucial to understanding where, when people are perpetually single. I think often times its, it goes back to our their earliest bonds. No absolutely now and that's it
such men when you get on your own, you said you got married at nine p m you on your own before that, where I went to college at seventeen, so my life was. I was in Minneapolis, so I was in one foster home for four and a half years, a Lutheran minister, his wife, and there are five kids. Now they had a huge impact on me. I wanted I married pastor pastor, Karlsson, my Foster father, whose now passed away. I marry twice before I knew what a good man was, and I knew what a good family was like. Problem for me is that job finding the right person do resolve all that trauma that I was bringing, and so I would always feel like other something missing here, glue, wouldn't stick it's like if you're trying to put a posted up buds, gotta, lotta dust on it and It would just fall right off. I could not stay in those relationships I could do five year.
I could do for years, but I would always fall off and then start look for the person who more modeled you know the energy of my dad. Now I didn't find criminals, but I found like, the third husband was, you know, rich white. Went to Harvard, but He delivered me the exact same experience at my dad did so important thing is not that I chose someone different. It's that I kept experiencing the same thing. Over and over her show, you marry someone older at first, you were not at green and he was still works, YAP Mba, so accomplished yes great family, really good good person. And of course he got married after me. Onto a woman who has my same birthday by the way. Married her ever since cause he didn't have much. You didn't have a problem. As you know, I was his problem. He was my solution, you know, or you friendly No not at all. He has great boundaries and I wouldn t
Ouch on his life in any way, but I am very grateful for the time we spend together. In fact, I was twenty two I went back to college. It was clear and then he got transferred again to another city. We were living in SALT Lake City and he got transferred and I said you know we don't have kids, we ve been doing this five years. I mom graduated from college, I think I'll. Take it from here. And he drove me to the airport and I never saw him again Roy what exactly abrogate yeah and then I have a mite, Next time I got married was maybe thirteen years later and I we spent a pretty big girl was I I did it. I basic. Started over you know. After I left my first marriage, I was twenty two I gotta College boyfriend? I got my heart broken I started kind of living like a regular girl of my age and from
ere, I moved to Portland Oregon. I begin I started working in tv news. I'm to New York. I was living my sort of checks in the city dream without the facts, because I Part of my thing is that relationships I just want to be in that committed relationship. I can't tolerate the uncertainty of my friends affairs are casual sacks, so I would generally get with somebody and stay with them for a long time and the the the site effective. That is that I really learned how to identify which people were good bye. It's for long term, committed relationship and that's really what why you're not married came out of, because I would see all these women around me and, unlike girl, that dude will never be or has headlight. Do you not see that and because we're coming from a a place
complete trial and error, and I was come from a place of being a foster child who did not want to be left no matter what right you know. From a woman standpoint is hit harder to date to find the guy that you can feel. Confident in Europe why you're not married yet Is it hardly data find somebody that truly is a good eighty percent candidate that check the serious value boxes, then it was thirty years ago. I mean possibly definitely the marriage rate is going down. That doesn't mean people aren't getting in relationships the just structuring them differently. I want to say people getting married, the marriage. Peace is an economic thing. There's been a studies on this that the people who get married at this point are the same. People are buying houses
it has to do with You know it's called a sort of meeting where people of similar background similar college education, similar finances and families, situations Mary each other and so think the marriage peace. So you have to take that and put it aside now, people getting into longer committed relationships, yes, but here's. What I think now I think what happens in go back to the attack on peace, is that often The securely attach people choose maids and there out of the dating pool by thirty five younger if you're in Kansas City, you know therein York or allay of temperature scar. One of these places may it's a little older, and then what you're laughed with are the people who have Not necessarily they don't want to make amendments, but they have trouble forming secure. Relationships so
and because we wait so much longer to get into relationships, and you know to get married there to me is more work where the trouble starts, but I want to say one more thing that said I believe that if you want a relationship summit He wants to have one with you because a person who is there to love another person in form that kind of relationship is real value and I think there are people who are looking for that. And its debts. Not really valuable. So I worry People that don't marry Mister and missus right. They marry mister and missus right now I mean who errors in the window. They feel like. Ok, it's time for me to get married, so they did Mary whoever's there on a clock is like yes time for me to get married. So whoever is handy now,
they do it. Well, I don't know, I think, that's probably what marriage has been for. The majority of human existence is like you marry somebody in your face vicinity in your village in your world, because it's time to get married, so I don't Chile and arranged marriages are have lots of studies have been done there actually very Functional happy relationships because people are not choosing out of unresolved childhood traumas yoke? Is I We think that where you have the most residence was somebody when you get the most excited that all that is is like. Oh hallelujah, you have just met somebody who's gonna push every button. You have you and when you arrange a marriage, you don't get that then they don't do it based on all year, create Zaire unresolved issue that somebody they pick for you who is appropriate if, in the eyes of your parents, just like your parents picked a school for you in a neighborhood for you, so here's the
when you talk about you by the window and you see somebody who's appropriate in a way I went to college arranging your own marriage, and I think that if we Could culturally support this more and just say you knew what it does not have to a romantic dream? It can be a good idea that you are committed to building a If someone what is wrong with that all I could think of thousand things that are wrong with that. Well, what You can think of a thousand things that are wrong with its marriage, So that's true, but if they're, if I'm going to have to pick, I'm damn sure going to pick somebody that lights, my fire when I'm with him, I don't want to be with somebody that just is comfortable. Oh, but here's what I want to say because you have to be used or that's. Why my agree? So I think that the the oh, you love to being in love, but that doesn't mean it cools down.
The arranged marrow is ass, if no doesn't you go from a different phase of infatuation are falling in love to being in love, but that doesn't mean it. Cools down at this transitions. I dont know I hear what you are saying and year married. Forty three were, I think, there's a bell curve. I think you are in the solid piece were of the people who are securely tat to find it comfortable and can stay hot for forty five years. Then there's the rub. The bus? I so I think you're one piece of the puzzle: you know and then I think there's there is the rest of us out here I represent that group. You know I subscribe to the home term. You know theory He which is like you can do a home, firm and one third of the people are going to have. No girl, why there are the people are gonna perfect girls and one third of the people are gonna, look like they set their finger and socket, and so what, good for you like I can get somebody who's been married. Forty five years ago, you don't know me. My thing is so
much more complicated than that. So what am I the rest of us, we need some models that work for the rest of us and I pitching wine that I don't think it's a bad idea necessarily for some people to go. It's time you are appropriate. I like you, we have similar values. Let's do this. I got the book. Ray they're gonna, contribute or contaminate the relationship one of the two years ago. Bring in all your toxic characteristics, baggage and wounds or you're. Not does it matter, whether its romantic or its somebody that was a good friend and their disk going to be your lifelong good friend. You can screw it up whatever the situation is, if you have self destruct in here, or dna agenda. You're going screw it up whether it was arranged romantic,
random, yes drunk in Vegas, it doesn't matter wherever you find him, you're gonna screw it up. If you ve got self destruct in your dna, I agree by so what do you do that? But that doesn't include some people from going. This is a reason the ball like this is because here's the thing I have a show and wiping out where it called family or fiance sixteen couples some of them are clearly in the camp. At your talking about their like was time he's appropriate we get along A family clock is ticking. Let's do it. I've come to respect those relationships more than I did. If I thought the woman married me with that criteria, I feel, really cheated, and I would say then I placed at all would agree with me, and I settled in a woman said to me: ok,
I want to say yes to you because you're and he has a pocket on assured here easy to be around. I like you, I really do right and we get along well, we have some common interests. We go Abbott, ok and you're gonna grow on me spots, would be no I'm not because I don't want to be in a situation like that. I would not do that in a million years. Nor would I let them do it to themselves in a million years. My attitude is. I'd rather be healthy alone than sick with somebody else, and if they're gonna sell out an make a deal then they're going do with somebody else, cuz I gotta be alone.
Think I'm not a bad person to do it with Ray. I don't have to be in a relationship. I think that there are many many many people that would agree with you, but here's the thing there's all these people who don't find that person that you're talking about while they still have eggs, yeah. So what are they gonna do and then there's all the people who get pregnant accidently gazettes is that's a time honoured tradition that getting pregnant old fashioned way. You know somebody only invented the pill. Fifty years ago, it's like it and weeping people for like two hundred thousand years. It's not like we ve caught up in any way to technology. So you're saying you would marry a best friend. Now I'm saying aid should culturally. We should be having a conversation around. That's because I feel like we ve given people, one option. Find somebody that you love that you are like desperately I passionately in love with that, you're gonna want to have sex with for the next forty five years the time your basic thirty, eight or forget it, and I don't
like we need some more models. We it's a model, so I'm just opening up to the idea that May maybe that's valid. That's me, that's a valid we'd go! If, if yours, It doesn't happen because our story- is I got the perfect home firm, and then there is the rest of us so causes a lot of people divorce they find the passionate person and then it does cool off. You know cause here's the thing: I dont know now I've been in a ladder relationships. I've been in hopefully eleven long term relationships and that's to say three years or more a billion one. So I don't have a lot to do here. I mean here I'm saying here's what I ve learned. I've learned a lot in those relationships and Sometimes what makes the best sacks if you have, if your dad's, a pimp in a drug dealer, okay, well,
is going to be a hot relationship for you. What you are attracted to may not be what you want to be in a lifetime committed relationship, but on the other hand, I would say to people of your dad. We know worked at IBM and came home every night at six o clock like color. Go to Vegas marry a stranger, you'll, probably be ok, it's a lot of, I think we have a lot of like printing and you know: internal programming. That draws us to certain people, and if you have like my type of childhood, you are going to have to go against your programming, which is to say you are poor, probably not gonna, be able to go to what you are the most hot for, because what you are most hot for is going to be probably some, That's kind of scary no doubt you that, to my experience- and I am sure many people in your audience can vouch for that too. Well, not just my audience, you wrote an article in having been postwar. Why you're not married yes and it
the motion. Viewed article. On Huffington Post ever it was for, like three mean obviously p. It resonated- and this is not something I set out to do. I was sickly writing some an essay. For myself, because I'm a writer That's what I do my point is that a lot of people found that screen the rich yeah it resonated they are with something they needed to hear. Yes, and you had more to say about it, then you can put in the column inches in having postal, so you wrote the book. Yes, let's talk about that because you pretty specific in their yeah. You don't like pull any punches in your first chapter in that book is you're a bitch right when you say what I mean by bitch. Is You're angry go chip, your shoulder. He had not angering defensiveness and I think a lot of people. You know
when I did the audio version of my book. I was like. Oh, I wrote a whole book to myself with this. All coming from my don't mercury automatic, though, of course I like resonated retrial, minors are valid attacking down to anybody. I'm saying: look here's what I found out about me and then that I had a lot of fear and anger and defensiveness that I was bringing into the dating and relationship process, and it was interfering with having someone and- and I again I put it across the Sassy is possible way, but I think the part at the and that people didn't really sometimes they missed. Is that a release chip is about practising love. It's a bow. Yoga you know I always say relationships are the hardest yoga. You will ever do it's not, getting something from another person. It's about confronting yourself as a person at you know, it's like a cup
is the very bill. Block of our whole society? You know and how you are in a couple relationship is really about. What our world is gonna look like in Algeria, In fairness, you're saying that it makes sense sometimes to marry someone that you're comfortable compatible with and while a ladder, radical ideas that I am a formula access in relation to the first factor in it is It has to be based on a solid underlying friendship, so I guess did. I disagree with that aspect of what I'm saying there are other parts and the other parts, or simply it has to meet the needs of the two people and by agreement, and so, if somebody has a need for romance sizzle when all then ok, if they don't you both we're ok without an ice line, but Thank you do have to be friends.
It's hard to be a friend with somebody. That's really angry Your second thing is, you said your shallow. What do you mean by that? I think that a lot of times swiftly when I was younger, I and my friends. We would be very externally focused on the things that we were looking for in a partner like the car. As example, would be ass to be tall or here to be rich or even you know, upper middle class and Leave her out of this ha ha ha. I wasn't going there I've never had those things. That hasn't been a big thing for me, so I can see that I have these girlfriends like David date, a jerk who was tall and would be like why I never understood that As in the same way, the guys are the same weight, but guess what those people find each other and the number one reason not to be that woman is because it open,
you up to that man whose, like I want you to be a big boobs, are I want this? Are you know you gotta be blind or whenever there is a big, really pretty babies, yap for small business owners? It's important feel professional, polished and prepared when it counts, having a business card ready to hand out is the first step to making something happen. You're next big opportunity is coming and best apprentice here to help you own. The now with free shipping on any business card. Any quantity choose whatever style. You liked to create something as unique is your business getting started is easy and your satisfaction is one hundred percent. Guaranteed or will send you your money back. Mr print want you to be able to only in any situation, which is why my listeners we'll get free shipping on all business cards, any style. Inequality
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viewer force a medic order. When you go to force automatic, not come slash, fill an inner code. Fill the HIV L at the check out. That's for sure Oh you are s e g m Eighty, I see dot com, Flash Phil who fail to receive fifteen percent off your Wednesday. On that. To fill we're talking about army specialists to losing burn out brother, never Brcko untrue, it's a sailor. Thirty two year old Son Alex is lazy. Unemployable angry, abuses, alcohol and marijuana, Alex's, siblings, rob and Stephanie say that, while Alex Devil, he doesn't have a life. Together. Their parents are the ones enabling him by bankrolling his self destruction after an explosive altercation to six months ago. That ended with Alex assaulting both of his pair
Teresa kicked him out of her house, but she's continuing to pay his rent. It's time for this family deface issues head on we're going to see where they do or the doubt. You said there were three you're, a slut yeah, hey, I didn't really means lie. That's a big word on the mill I, when I met you know, explain, which means so people will remain. Is that I ill like the number one thing. If somebody said what is the number one thing in the way, in particular for women of their relationships to me, it's casual sacks. Why? Because it's not, because I have a moral thing against it. I dont care The problem is its casual for about three weeks and then you're, like where's, the rest of the relationship. It's like well hee, hee hee,
he said it was just going to be friends of benefits. So once I acknowledge to myself that I actually was not capable of friend an apprentice benefits, boy did my dating life? Get clear. Like I never had to be yearning for some guy who didn't want me, you now know. I tried that like three times unlike this is too painful. I have this theory that if you have a good such a relationship, its at ten percent right and if you don't it's about ninety percent, I have heard again I ever get past it will That's interesting! Ok, I've heard it said the other way, which you know my therapist said to me. I don't know it's a study, but he said p. For in bad relationships. Sex is eighty five percent important,
people in good relationships. Its fifteen percent important- it's like it, just takes on suddenly farmland for why it is good that we have a lot of joy, of new move on to everything else. Bagration shared experiences that, if you don't you rejected yeah and then you go back to your number one point: you're pissed off. Yet that said, I mean here's the thing I also The people have a lot of fantasy around what sex is gonna. Do I think they imbue the partner with all these magical qualities around sex? I mean one about becoming a sexually mature woman, and that was work by the way. Is that once you acquire your own relationship to yourself around sacks, you bring it everywhere. You go But suddenly it's not like Prince charming is bequeathing me phantom exact. It's that I am able to create fantastic sex the person that I'm wealth
and that is a huge shift. Look, when you're saying it's just casual sex, I really believe that people don't get upset about what happens in lie for relationships that get upset about. Expectations being violated, expect that a marriage or a relationship is gonna, be something in the sitcom. Were that You're gonna come home every day and your partners gonna, have some exotic array experiences for you. Many actually get married in his bills to pay and new jobs to do and trash to take out. And you actually have some conflict, because you have to have the division of labour sharing space and time and money people can freak out because they thought it was supposed to be like this when rashly what they have a pretty good relationship.
You have to manage expectation, ass, an idea, and I think, if to make agreements like any other problem that comes up any conflict that comes up to me is an opportunity to negotiate. An agreement now I think people a hard time negotiating agreements because they have a hard time being honest with what they were from the other person. They have a hard time with being honest about how they feel and it takes a of intimacy too actually say? Okay, What do you need? Here's? What I need? cause you know, intimacy is in to me you see and some but I dont want their partner to see inside them and some people. We want to see inside their partner and in order to work out most conflict, you're gonna, have to really go into that other person. Her stand. What is making them tech and start spawned from that place- and I think That's a tall order for a lot of people. You make a point,
work. You say that, intensity yeah their fears with intimacy yeah that if ever thing is for American, yet heads that that blocks intimacy because intimacy this quieter worker. And- and it's not in that infatuation for its moral more belongs to the long term attachment the age of the relationship? And you don't need that if you're hanging from the chandelier right, which have gently early phase. I know what I mean I've been in relationships where the person the sad winners, when you down shifting it's getting on the freeway in it, I mean it's like your in the surface streets and your zoom in around, and it's really fine you're taking corners now whatever and then you get on the freeway you're, like ok, we're on our way to California. Now it's going to be a while, and so
people, are like whoa. What, where the turns what's happening, I want some excitement. Stimulation is very different than on its a guy. It's like a substitute actual for making rail contact with another person. Method expectations that I think about, because I always hear people win their first dating and even early in their marriage They are always so connected, always stay up and talk until three o clock in the morning and re. We think so much alike. We can finish each other sentences. Then, a year later it stop interrupting me. Jerk, like they were finishing, my sins have now. If you re interrupting morality, everything starts to ship, you ve, gotta, understand there are gonna be changes in yet It still normal is still can be exciting. Do you can still be in love, but it is
different than the infatuation. For it s very definite, doesn't level does one infatuation and go from infatuation to infatuation. I see because I used to be one of those people people do as soon as it starts going into high freeway phase. However, an x ray up national city miles. You stay that way don't get married because their selfish man if you ve, been single for a long time and you're living by yourself in particular, is that kind of built into the way you have to exist. Maybe I mean I think it's true for women and men I mean the thing is: is we are a society that is very me, centred it's very about independence honestly that sort of it's almost a religion. In it I mean that the self centered ness itches our fears with
pair bonding I feel like if we had a bigger conversation about what it really means to being a relationship that it's really about two people sort of joy, into a foxhole together and have each other's back and being in a we, not a me and another me you start to sort of have more reasonable expectations, as you say, of what's gonna happen here over the next day. Weeks and months and years and decades in your show on owned. You get this. As to really one himself, some hard are here's to really do some examination and what's the main thing you want them to come to grips with in So interesting, you got sixteen raw there they came on with a plan like we ve got this issue,
at least one I mean they are here's the difference between season wine and and the continuation of season. One is that everyone on the show in the second. Sixteen has seen the show, which is to say they know why there there it came on with a plan like we ve got this issue and I want to resolve it. They were really ready to roll up their sleeves and get to work so that is wonderful. You know any time you see people who are willing to do the work to confront themselves to like look deep into whatever is going on in their relationships and takes a lot of courage, and I have so much respect for that process. I mean different people. Have or things going on, but I would say, a lot of it falls into the category of now, knowing how far, how far reaching a commitment really goes like. You have to
is your partner, put your partner first, it can't be your best friend or your mom, or you know your job or whatever it is. It has to be your partner and the or you can do that. The more you are like unified. You know What do you think some of the biggest obstacles are you see these couples facing, while I think One of the classic examples is that they move really fast. They go from dating to marriage in a big hurry, and they don't thereby sickly, still in the in the sweet from the chandelier phase and other times their families are like slow down now? often times what I see. I would see the second big thing is that oftentimes of families have object. To the relationship, because they see something that the couple is either unwilling or unable to see
and the family is like we're, seeing it so when they come on the show a lot of it. You know they all come in. They sit down and day wine in there all in love and their super happy about it. There, like yea and by beginning of day to their like what just happened, because they get it the process of being confronted by your family, just unpacked, all your stop immediately. So in its great, if you go through that process, we find couples and go through a three day process come out of this, much stronger couples, much stronger, What are their families challenge about? That's the most painful for them Dorothy I mean you know. It's interesting is a lot of times the very issues that the families having trouble with in the Fiance relationship are basically problems they installed. This is
by its so great to get the whole families together all under the same roof. It's like very fancy family therapy because you ve got the cause of the problem in the region. What's the problem, in the same situation and that not lost on the people. That is lost like you can see how her relationship with her dad has become her relationship with her fiance and the fit the bill. It can see that too, and so What that allows her to do is to maybe take some of the heat off this fiance and go while some of this stuff, I'm bringing into this relationship I could resolve it with him. I wouldn't it be cluttering up this relationship so much and that some of this stuff that I help them unpack and see what what Bob comes on over their head, yeah. Do you and that people know what do, or is that a point that you think there two guidance or do they find their own way down at path? I think
very first thing that happens when the light bulb cause I've. I've watched it happen. Sometimes, for example, theirs Episode episode to where sometimes you know I've been to so much therapy. My life so much couples therapy, but and sometimes I'll just go intuitive hit about what needs to happen just a connection, so I asked this couple: they were fighting. She was upset she, angry. He was trying, but he was also getting frustrated ice I want you guys to just take hands they each other and look at each other and within ten seconds she burst into tears, the soft miss that came over her and the south miss that came over him, seeing her in her pain, really was the next state that was the next move all that needed to happen, and they were back on track No, it doesn't mean their problems over the
air together as a couple that problem, as opposed to now being all in this adversarial thing. Most the couples that go through this process stay together right we're about seventy to eighty percent. We call a happy ending a family or fiance is when the real others in the highest good of everybody involved, and sometimes that means this. The relationship and oh, tell me, couples on doktor veil. At the end I say you people need to get a divorce before dark. Today, You shouldn't you home together. I should not take the same airplane dry. You should reach Europa server directly first and then he leave after initial than they were married. Lao its astounding, to me how. People, sometimes will devote so much emotion, energy and so much pain to somebody that they just pretty much married at random.
I can tell you it's because it matches up with a child had experience and as somebody with a lot of childhood experience no trauma that I couldn't. Possibly have resolved, just takes years and lot of work. I had to be in it to work through it? are you married now. I am not do you think you will again you know, it's interesting, I ended a relationship about six months ago. Of six years and I I think the reason I ended his cause. I could see that I didn't really want to get married and it's not that get where it is a goal for me. But if I wanna live in my house and you live in your house theirs something missing, and you know It done a lot of work on the relationship. There was a lot of willingness there. But in the end I had to acknowledge to myself. I was basically that guy who's, like
Do you have to change anything everything's fine, and I could hear myself saying that going this isn't right and let me just ended the relationship like that it was more than I could you know I sort of. If things aren't like it abusive situation. I actually do not move until I'm sure you know I don't like get an idea and carry it out. That's what I did when I was younger. If you know anyone Doktor Phil, I am I must say I have a list here. Do you ok, I'll? Listen, I'm looking for somebody who who is, their function is willing to do the work you say manner way more committed to relationships than women are I don't know. I think what I said is that first women file for divorce, seventy percent of the time and I think, in our
our seas in the season of family fancied? The men are much more committed than they were in the first in our first group. That sounds, and I think maybe that got a little I will say this man do not leave The same way, women do okay, and I'm gonna give you my theory on that. Why do women file for divorce? Seventy percent of the time I think because women who are unhappy interrelationship, arms. More unhappy, the men who are unhappy in relationship. I think men can compartmentalize. I think they can. Throw themselves into their work, their sports of their whatever in there. Hobbes and they'll they'll, be like ok enough to stay so They tend to not need to go the same way, a woman. It feels like desperate,
and starving and hungry and like this is so pain ball when she's unhappy in relationship over a long period of time. The true of some man financial aspects of it this will mean. Theory is the only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for a year. It's been a bad relationship for a year and one day, wow well I mean here's the thing I have come to understand or believe: that need to be connected to people is so profound. We will stay in a bad relationship. People even saying abusive relationship? Will you know? I mean people get therein, but well don't want to be alone, not because you, a woman, needs a fish like a like. Neither man like a fish needs by scholar whenever that saying, as I shall That's a lie, I think actually
women need man and many women people need people. People need primary attachment relationships. People He d pair bond and worn. Can I talk anybody out of that so it's really about. How do we have better healthier, more fulfilling relationships? you believe in monogamy on shore mean I want monogamy, but do I Again, I go right to the home firm. You know, there's a people who they don't really need that. I'm not one of them. You just gotta know who you are now, I think, some people, because I look at a lotta evolutionary biology like let's imagine that over the course of twenty thousand years ago there was a tribe and in your tribe of a hundred people you want like ten guys who go all over the place anymore, ten guys who they do want to just stay in the village and, like make sure everything's going great in the village and hunt for the village and stay with those women and then
ten women who, just on a go all over the place and you ve got a whole bunch of women who don't so. I feel like when people tried to say it's all or nothing like human beings, our monogamous, I mean clearly many human beings. I monogamous and some are not enough. I think we like this concept that, like men, have to pat spread their seat around, but we don't understand that their women are the same way you know, there's hunters and farmers is. My theory is hunters in farming and then there's hunt mirrors. I'm probably one of those is like. You just gotta know who you are I've been with I've married to farmers. Those are rate man, our great men are they going to be present in the United States? Probably not, but they are great great man and then there's hunters hunter. There are some they might be present in the United States, but, gonna like kick it with you, the a farmer will know
so you just have to know. You're not gonna have a both ways. That's I think, What people really need to come to there's gonna, be some choices. You're, going to choose this kind of partner that kind of partner, and it's not fair to look at you know if you get like the farmer guy and go. I want you to go hunting. No. You have the love that farmer and likewise if your hunter would you you take on this relationship wise. I am concerned that win. Much older than you are Are you for me, but when growing up. The internet right wasn't even a gleam in somebody's. I write and television there were three channels right
very conservative television yeah, I mean Gunsmoke. I love Lucy nine Spout. There was a means, absolutely nothing provocative on television whatsoever that would lead young p all too make their minds or go there now a fee. Studies where the actual in your window in sitcoms or whatever is like one, every thirty or forty five second sight. What you see visually on. Network television is very provocative and we have kids that are Going into social media there eating people. That they're, not learning relationship skills. Like you say, having people hold I contact for asked a short period of time is a meaningful experience for me because they don't do it anymore, and so now I think what is
happening is we're having kids that are jumping from really liberty, childhood too? fully sexually engaged. Relationships when they didn't fill in the steps along the way and they're not prepared for this, they get much deeper than they should be, and they come crashing down what's gonna happen to them generation of people that are not developing. So skills relationship skills, because everything is electronic here and skills relationships? Skills are really atrophy in our society. What's gonna happen to relationship skills, or I think you ve said so many things right there. I have a twenty two year old Son, Sunlike rights, makin, the middle this I would say, first of all, the team pregnancy rate has gone down by some crazy number like sixty or seventy percent? In the last twenty years, the the
The thing is that kid's our not having sex the way they used to like the way people had said when I graduated from high school in nineteen, eighty to everybody was having sex Now, they're, not They don't drive either there just growing up. Much more slowly, okay, so the problem to live to be a hundred and seventeen, so maybe it's maybe it all worked out in the end. The other thing I would say. As not sure what the section As content? Does two kids? I almost think it makes them shot down because I look at the sixties. Woe look at what happened? We had all this very conservative tv and then you have this giant boomer generation that went out and started. You know everything we know of as the seventies, which was really, you know, way way more out there than these kids are. Can I say, though, I raise a kid we're in a hole group a kids, in LOS Angeles and They were pretty seem. I watched euphoria the other day. Have you seen it
watch a little bit of owners and even last night it is about which carry out there. I spent a lot of years in tv news writing the phrase its apparent where's night, ok and I feel like there's a lot appearance. Worst nightmare porn out. There were people. Has been going on the parents worst nightmare, like I never heard of this thing. I not saying it doesn't happen. I'm saying I dont think that real problem out. There is, you know, whatever but you know anal sex. I dont think that that's what teenagers are doing. I have a son who loves his video games and is, in a long term committed relationship with the young woman, and they are, I feel, like this generation is going to get married and settle down cuz. They don't need to do all that stuff that our generation- well, I'm not putting myself in the same time, but that my generation needed to do. We felt like we needed twenty years of like unfettered. You now moving to New York City and doing whenever we wanted and
I don't feel like they need. They need that I think. Yes, there are some kids out there doing whatever, but I actually This generation has an opportunity. I feel like they're more ground. Did you know that there is an opportunity for them to connect more deeply, because they are not doing that. The screens are thing no question about that too shortly different stimulus material than we had its day, and I mean to me one of the great things people, don't talk about issues of our time is pornography and the fact of the matter as we We worry about drugs, but most kids are exposed to pornography long before they are exposed to drugs and that to me is very disturbing. I sum I feel that we are going to look back on this time. Like we look back on cigarettes and the parties and go like while everybody was doing at, we thought it was fine, but I do think it burn.
People's reward centres and it may real life? real life is never gonna, be whatever is happening when people, you know and on their computer and go to wherever they go on the thing was the computers These kids I mean from like six eight years old, they are so rehearsed on the computer, the adult generation has wisdom, but The knowledge, the cancer of the knowledge, but not the wisdom, so the union, but always guards on operators, is an area that click around that's very clicks from anything they want so tell including buying stuff yeah and whenever fortnight or whatever it is it's. A real thing I mean they're generation is gonna have to come to terms with that the way we have to come to terms like it's part of the human experience to have some sort of
mass experience that you have to come to terms with an that's gonna, be part of theirs. Will you premier season two while its basic extension of season one technically. But yes, it's our next set about the sub its spring she's in exactly this January. Eleven! Yes, It's on Saturday night, yet at I m p M Eastern and Pacific. Tell us but to expect it's gonna be exciting. You know what you want you can expect is to watch people real Lee Diving into both their families and their relationships and making connections between the two and then also. I think there is a lot of hope in our show people a lot of stuff out in these three days. There are tears, there's laughter its with its they
human experience. What what I think about it from I've spent some time looking at the Essen and seeing what's going on, and I think two things about it really jumped out at me. One is that it really challenges the generational legacy. It makes you really realise that you don't pay to carry forward that say what then foisted on that site and number two. I think it is very thought provoking for the viewer, adult thank. You can watch this walk away from it and not think about how this mirrored in my family had to carry this mirrored in the way, I'm being in law or apparent, or hell, I'm being in loud imperative. That, I think, is very thought provoking. It is, I mean, really will confront you in ways in a good way. He now really causes you. Thank you.
Over- and I always said in all the shows you done together- which just on the upper shell and in other shows we then together. We have always said that you want to hear. Is I never thought of it that way? I think a lot of people watching us are going to say I never thought of it that way and that's the money shot. Rather, I will congratulations on the shelves a huge success, and this is one of the things that I think you can actually say, is the highest and best use a television is its family relationship. Its marriage is giving people a strong take away. I hope you really proud of issue should be thinkin. Thanks for coming, painting have appreciated winter weather means dry.
Whether so you need to winter prove your skin. Now Robin always says happy skin is hydrated. Skin and she's got you with everything you need. A winner, prove your skin, so be sure the smooth unaware of Robins fifty fears, S p, a fifty moisturize incense great every single morning and finish every day with Robins Hydra quench Morse rising night cream before bed. So when approve your skin, all day, every day, with one stop at Robin Mcgraw River. Relation dot com.
Transcript generated on 2019-12-18.