Are you a serial dater? Do you have trust issues? Or, do family members sabotage your relationships? Tracy McMillan, author, television writer and relationship expert from the hit OWN reality series Family of Fiancé, tackles these topics and more on this week’s Phil in the Blanks podcast. For more information: https://www.drphilintheblanks.com/ See omnystudio.com/policies/listener for privacy information.
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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Should you married someone, older yup, you didn't have our problem. Is you know I was his problem. He was my solution. I had a lot of fear and anger and defensiveness that I was bringing into the dating and relationship process and it was interfering with
Having someone, I think you do have to be friends
it's hard to be a friend with somebody? That's really angry.
This is not to which means you found your way to fill in the blanks and I'm very excited day, because I'm with Tracy Macmillan, she is an author she's, a television writer, and she is a relationship expert which comes at a really good time, because
we have just done a relationship series. I just finished
all that relationship. Reality check subtitled how much fun or you to live with, and I want to tell you a whole lot more about her in forty seconds. Speaking of relationship issues, I want to tell you about: what's going on Tuesday on Doktor feel we have an episode called break up breakdown, the mill
They made me saying that her relationship with their fifteen year old daughter liner, is strain because Alina is just disobedient grouchy and mean since her boyfriend broke up with her and alighted, admit, she's miserable and says she's disappointed. She didn't do enough to keep him. Then Lehtonen email me saying she was pursuing our dreams and a big city, and everything was going her way until her boyfriend Randy cheated and then dumped her Randy admits he was seeing several women and that he was never looked on his boyfriend. He just made her think he was Tunisia and I think you're gonna get a lot of this one.
The duration thanks for joining us. They are really appreciate the what you do
A lot of different stuff have a lot. I do. I do a lot of different stuff, but it all kind of
focuses around relationships and so have, I
what it means to be human being with that's why I thought this was a perfect time to do
this cause. We just as I said dinner relationship Series,
call relationship reality check and when I really got into the things it you do you're right. There is a common denominator.
Has to do with the human experience and relationships and also with your relationship with yourself exactly sir.
People know you're also television screenwriter and you ve done mad man and good girls, revolt, marvels runaways, which is great by the way United States of terror, which I found really
intriguing from a psychological standpoint. I thought it was very authentically done and I just thought it was engaging.
Necessary, roughness, she'd, even written for the embassy nightly new cells. Hey you ve got it done at all any written books of why you're not married. Yet I got here because this I love you and I'm leaving you anyway. This wanna hear kind of more about that. What do you find the most of filling out of what you do is anything jump out over the others, not suggesting, because I think their relationship pieces, the peace that I would do. I mean
I would do it all, even if I won the lottery, I would still want to write television, but the thing that I do for free and for fun is to help people with their relationships and to help people.
Now that the building block of a great relationship is having a great relation to put yourself and that,
onto your inner relationship. It's really more about what you can give than what you can get.
Did you decide that you were focused on this in your life
the new evolution wanna say sometime around my third device yeah I mean I can't
two coaching people interrelationships by
Trial and error, I'm a little bit of a jailhouse layer like I've, had
all kinds of life experiences that led me into relationships that then
everything I had to do to put myself back together? I share with other people
in doing this for forty five years, and I tell people
If you are getting ready to get into a new relationship, you should never do it. If you don't do an autopsy on the relationship you just got out at all.
Obsolete on what you did that
that brought it down. I mean, even if it was the right
it needed a, and I must say that necessarily toxic night.
But if it ran off in the ditch origin reached its natural end or whatever, you need to look at it and see what you did, what role
Will you played right these
scribe that their absolutely because
You can find a new person, but
still the same may not have been so just moving locations and swapping out one partner for another partner does not actually solve your problems, and I think that's what I hear
The come to reside,
Ben. In you know,
all these relationships- and I had to come to the conclusion that it was me
and then it was well. What is it about me? Well, it's not that I'm a bad person, it's that
There are ways of being in relationships and things I did not understand quite yet that I needed to learn that I needed to learn
when you got any your first relationship did,
you consider your early life.
As having damaged who you work as you were in foster care, you had a lot of experiences that
most people have a hard time relating to if they haven't been through. At that time I mean I am still working my way through those experiences. That's the thing you know when your young, you think.
If his linear and you're gonna put something behind you and that's it, and in fact life is both circle
and a zigzag everything
you know it's like it's not a straight line and then everything you experience, you're gonna experience it again, except hopefully your further up the mountain. This time
when I got into my first relationship? No, it never occurred to me. My whole plan was I'm just gonna get
way from my childhood and put that me
find me and never looked back
and that somehow, where it doesn't work, and I knew who to pack like, I could look around and see. Oh, I
it, somebody from a good family. I knew
somebody who is like south
person now. I know that would be like securely attached. I would understand that as an attachment thing, he was a great
aye. But that didn't mean I have the skills to be in a relationship and I got
for the first time at nineteen right, then
people to hear critically.
Looking back what impact
think it had on you, because you talk about the fact that
Your mother abandoned you and that's why
I guess you wound up and foster care, of course, but
Your father was not an eggs.
Employers, citizen that ain't right he was
a drug dealer at eight
spend a lot of time in prison. Most of my life,
the relationship with a guy I do and in it interesting Lee you know every people have complex stories and minds complex. My mother gave me for the first time at three months I was in full
your parents or eighteen months and when I
out. I went to live with my dad
dad became my mother and my dad interesting, is a very kind of salt
one way. Now
He was a criminal and he started going to prison and kept going to present, but he's act
a pretty good primary attachment figure right.
So what that is done to me. I can very much see how that affected me
my relationships in fact man, arms.
It's more like I have
much more attachment stop with man than I do with women women. I'm really. You know my mom just gave me up. That was it. I
more avoid ITALY attached to women
an anxiously attached to man and you can an outline
happy to talk a lot about attachment because I think understanding that is crucial to understanding where, when people are
perpetually single. I think
often times its, it goes back to our their earliest bonds.
No absolutely now and that's it
such men when you get
on your own, you said you got married at nine p m
you on your own before that, where I went to college at seventeen, so my life was. I was
in Minneapolis, so I was in one foster home for four and a half years, a Lutheran minister, his wife, and there are five kids. Now they
had a huge impact on me. I wanted
I married pastor
pastor, Karlsson, my Foster father, whose now passed away. I marry
I knew what a good man was, and I knew what a good family was like.
Problem for me is that job
finding the right person do
resolve all that trauma that I was bringing, and so I would always feel like other something missing here,
glue, wouldn't stick it's like if you're trying to put a posted up buds, gotta, lotta dust on it and
It would just fall right off. I could not stay in those relationships I could do five year.
I could do for years, but I would always fall off and then start look
for the person who more modeled you know the energy of my dad. Now I didn't find criminals, but I found like,
the third husband was, you know, rich white.
Went to Harvard, but
He delivered me the exact same experience at my dad did so
important thing is not that I chose someone different. It's that I kept
experiencing the same thing. Over and over her show, you marry someone older at first, you were not at green and he was still works, YAP Mba, so accomplished yes
great family, really good good person. And of course he got married after me.
Onto a woman who has my same birthday by the way.
Married her ever since cause he didn't have much. You didn't have a problem. As you know, I was his problem. He was my solution, you know, or you friendly
No not at all. He has great boundaries and I wouldn t
Ouch on his life in any way, but I am very grateful for the time we spend together. In fact,
I was twenty two I went back to college. It was clear and then he got transferred again to another city. We were living in SALT Lake City and he got transferred
and I said you know we don't have kids, we ve been doing this five years. I mom
graduated from college, I think I'll. Take it from here.
And he drove me to the airport and I never saw him again Roy what exactly abrogate yeah and then I have a mite,
Next time I got married was maybe thirteen years later and I
we spent a pretty big girl was I I did it. I basic.
Started over you know.
After I left my first marriage, I was twenty two I gotta College
boyfriend? I got my heart broken
I started kind of living like a regular girl of my age and from
ere, I moved to Portland Oregon. I begin I started working in tv news. I'm
to New York. I was living my sort of
checks in the city dream without the facts, because I
Part of my thing is that relationships I just want to be in that committed relationship. I can't tolerate
the uncertainty of my friends
affairs are casual sacks, so I would generally get with somebody and stay with them for a long time and the the the site
effective. That is that I really learned how to identify which people were good bye.
It's for long term, committed relationship and
that's really what why you're not married came out of, because I would see all these women around me and, unlike girl, that
dude will never be or has headlight. Do you not see that and because
we're coming from a a place
complete trial and error, and I was come from a place of being a foster child who did not want to be left no matter what right you know.
From a woman standpoint is hit harder to date to find
the guy that you can feel.
Confident in Europe
why you're not married yet
Is it hardly data find somebody that truly is a good eighty percent candidate that check
the serious value boxes,
then it was thirty years ago. I mean
definitely the marriage rate is going down. That doesn't mean people aren't getting in relationships the
just structuring them differently.
I want to say people getting married, the marriage.
Peace is an economic thing. There's been a
studies on this that the
people who get married at this point are the same.
People are buying houses
it has to do with
You know it's called a sort of meeting where people of similar background similar college
education, similar finances and families,
situations Mary each other and so
think the marriage peace. So you have to take that and put it aside now, people getting into longer
committed relationships, yes, but here's. What I think
now I think what happens in
go back to the attack on peace, is that often
The securely attach people choose maids and there
out of the dating pool by thirty five younger
if you're in Kansas City, you know therein
York or allay of temperature scar. One of these places may
it's a little older, and then
what you're laughed with are the people who have
Not necessarily they don't want to make amendments, but they have trouble forming secure.
and because we wait so much longer to get into relationships, and you know to get married there
to me is more work where the trouble starts, but
I want to say one more thing that said
I believe that if you want a relationship summit
He wants to have one with you because
a person who is there to love another person in form that
kind of relationship is
real value and I think there are people
who are looking for that.
And its debts.
Not really valuable. So I worry
People that don't
marry Mister and missus right. They marry mister and missus right now
I mean who errors in the window. They feel like. Ok, it's time for me to get married, so they did Mary whoever's there on a clock is like
yes time for me to get married. So whoever is handy now,
they do it. Well, I don't know, I think, that's probably what marriage has been for. The majority of human existence is like you marry somebody in your face
vicinity in your village in your world,
because it's time to get married, so I don't
Chile and arranged marriages are have lots of studies have been done there actually very
Functional happy relationships because people are not choosing out of
unresolved childhood traumas yoke? Is I
We think that where you have the most residence was somebody when you get the most excited that all that is is like. Oh hallelujah, you have just met somebody who's gonna push every button. You have you
and when you arrange a marriage, you don't get that
then they don't do it based on all year,
create Zaire unresolved issue that somebody they pick for you who is appropriate
if, in the eyes of your parents, just like your parents picked a school for you in a neighborhood for you, so here's the
when you talk about you
by the window and you see somebody who's appropriate in a way I went to college
arranging your own marriage, and I think that if we
Could culturally support this more and just say you knew what it does not have to
a romantic dream? It can be a good idea that you are committed to building a
If someone what is wrong with that all I could think of
thousand things that are wrong with that. Well, what
You can think of a thousand things that are wrong with
So that's true, but if they're, if I'm going to have to pick, I'm damn sure going to pick somebody that lights, my fire when I'm with him, I don't want to be with somebody that just is comfortable.
Oh, but here's what I want to say because you have to be used or that's. Why my agree? So I think that the the
oh, you love to being in love, but that doesn't mean it cools down.
The arranged marrow is ass, if no doesn't you go from a different phase of infatuation are falling in love to being in love, but that doesn't mean it.
Cools down at this transitions. I dont know I hear what you are saying and year married. Forty three were, I think, there's a bell curve. I think you are in the solid piece were of the people who are securely tat to find it comfortable and can stay hot for forty five years. Then there's the rub.
The bus? I so I think you're one piece of the puzzle:
you know and then I think there's there is the rest of us out here
I represent that group. You know I subscribe to the home term. You know theory
He which is like you can do a home, firm and one third of the people are going to have. No girl, why
there are the people are gonna perfect girls and one third of the people are gonna, look like they set their finger and socket, and so what,
good for you like I can
get somebody who's been married. Forty five years ago, you don't know me. My thing is so
much more complicated than that. So what am I
the rest of us, we need some models that work for the rest of us and I
pitching wine that I don't think it's a bad idea necessarily for some people to go. It's time you are appropriate. I like you, we have similar values. Let's do this. I got the book.
Ray they're gonna, contribute or contaminate the relationship one of the two years ago.
Bring in all your toxic characteristics, baggage and wounds or you're. Not
does it matter, whether its romantic or its somebody that was a good friend and their disk going to be your lifelong good friend. You can
screw it up whatever the situation is, if you have self destruct in here,
or dna agenda. You're going
screw it up whether it was arranged romantic,
random, yes drunk in Vegas, it doesn't matter wherever you find him, you're gonna screw it up. If you ve got self destruct in your dna, I agree by so
what do you do that? But that doesn't
include some people from going. This is a reason
the ball like this is because here's the thing I have a show and wiping out where it called family or fiance
sixteen couples some
of them are clearly in the camp. At your talking about their like
was time he's appropriate
we get along
A family clock is ticking. Let's do it.
I've come to respect those relationships more than I did. If I thought
the woman married me with that criteria, I
feel, really cheated, and I would say
then I placed at all would agree with me, and I settled in a woman said to me: ok,
I want to say yes to you
and he has a pocket on assured here easy to be around. I like you, I really do right and we get along well, we have some common interests. We go
Abbott, ok and
you're gonna grow on me
spots, would be no I'm not because I don't want to be in a situation like that. I would not do that
in a million years. Nor would I let them do it to themselves in a million years. My attitude is.
I'd rather be healthy alone than sick with somebody else, and
if they're gonna sell out an
make a deal
then they're going do with somebody else, cuz I gotta be alone.
Think I'm not a bad person to do it with Ray. I don't have to be in a relationship. I think that there are many many many people that would agree with you, but here's the thing there's all these people who don't find that person that you're talking about while they still have eggs,
yeah. So what are they gonna do and then there's all the people who get pregnant accidently gazettes is that's a time honoured tradition that getting pregnant old fashioned way. You know
somebody only invented the pill. Fifty years ago, it's like it and weeping people for like two hundred thousand years. It's not like we ve caught up in any way to technology.
So you're saying you would marry a best friend. Now I'm saying aid should culturally. We should be having a conversation around. That's because I feel like we ve given
people, one option.
Find somebody that you love that you are like desperately
I passionately in love with that, you're gonna want to have sex with for the next forty five years
the time your basic
thirty, eight or forget it, and I don't
like we need some more models. We
it's a model, so I'm just opening up to the idea that May
maybe that's valid. That's me,
that's a valid we'd go! If, if yours,
It doesn't happen because
our story- is I got the perfect home firm,
and then there is the rest of us so causes a lot of people
divorce they find the passionate person and then it does cool off. You know cause here's the thing:
I dont know now I've been in a ladder relationships. I've been in
hopefully eleven long term relationships and that's to say three years or more
a billion one. So I don't have a lot to do here. I mean here I'm saying here's what I ve learned. I've learned a lot in those relationships and
Sometimes what makes the best sacks if you have, if your dad's, a pimp in a drug dealer, okay, well,
is going to be a hot relationship for you. What you are attracted to may not be what you want to be in a lifetime committed relationship, but on the other hand, I would say to people of your dad. We know worked at IBM and came home every night at six o clock like color.
Go to Vegas marry a stranger, you'll, probably be ok, it's a lot of,
I think we have a lot of like
printing and you know:
internal programming. That draws us to certain people, and if you have like my type of childhood, you are going to have to go against your programming, which is to say you are poor,
probably not gonna, be able to go to what you are the most hot for,
because what you are most hot for is going to be probably some,
That's kind of scary
no doubt you that, to my experience- and I am sure many people in your audience can vouch for that too. Well,
not just my audience,
you wrote an article in having been postwar. Why you're not married yes and it
the motion. Viewed article.
On Huffington Post ever it was for, like three mean obviously p.
It resonated- and this is not something I set out to do. I was
sickly writing some an essay.
For myself, because I'm a writer
That's what I do my point is that a lot of people
found that screen
the rich yeah it resonated
they are with something they needed to hear. Yes, and you had more to say about it, then you can put in the column inches in having postal, so you wrote the book. Yes, let's
talk about that because you
pretty specific in their yeah. You don't like pull any punches in your first chapter in that book is you're a bitch right when you say what I mean by bitch. Is
You're angry go chip, your shoulder. He had not angering defensiveness and I think a lot of people. You know
when I did the audio version of my book. I was like. Oh, I wrote a whole book to myself with this.
All coming from my don't mercury automatic, though, of course I like resonated retrial, minors are valid attacking down to anybody. I'm saying: look here's what I found out about me and then
that I had a lot of fear and anger and defensiveness that I was bringing into the dating and relationship process, and it was interfering with
having someone and- and I again
I put it across the Sassy is possible way, but I think the part at the
and that people didn't really sometimes they missed. Is that a release
chip is about practising love. It's a bow. Yoga
you know I always say relationships are the hardest yoga. You will ever do it's not,
getting something from another person. It's about
confronting yourself as a person at you know, it's like a cup
is the very bill.
Block of our whole society? You know and how
you are in a couple relationship is really about.
What our world is gonna look like in Algeria,
In fairness, you're saying
that it makes sense sometimes to marry someone that you're comfortable
compatible with and
while a ladder, radical ideas that I am a formula access in relation to the first factor in it is
It has to be based on a solid underlying friendship, so I guess
did. I disagree with that aspect of what I'm saying there are other parts and the other parts, or simply it has to meet the needs of the two people and by agreement, and so, if somebody has a need for
romance sizzle when all then ok, if they don't you both
we're ok without an ice line, but
Thank you do have to be friends.
It's hard to be a friend with somebody. That's really angry
Your second thing is, you said your shallow. What do you mean by that? I think that a lot of times swiftly when I was younger, I and
my friends. We would be very externally focused on the things that we were looking for in a partner like the car.
As example, would be ass to be tall or here
to be rich or even you know, upper middle class and
Leave her out of this ha ha ha. I wasn't going there
I've never had those things. That hasn't been a big thing for me, so I can see that I have these girlfriends like David date, a jerk who was tall and
would be like why I never understood that
As in the same way, the guys are the same weight, but guess what those people find each other and the number one reason not to be that woman is because it open,
you up to that man whose, like I want you to be a big boobs, are I want this? Are you know you gotta be blind or whenever there is a big, really pretty babies, yap for small business owners? It's important feel professional, polished and prepared when it counts,
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To fill we're talking about army specialists to losing burn out brother, never Brcko untrue,
it's a sailor. Thirty two year old Son Alex is lazy. Unemployable angry,
abuses, alcohol and marijuana, Alex's, siblings, rob and Stephanie say that, while Alex Devil, he doesn't have a life.
Together. Their parents are the ones enabling him by bankrolling his self destruction after an explosive altercation to six months ago. That ended with Alex assaulting both of his pair
Teresa kicked him out of her house, but she's continuing to pay his rent. It's time for this family deface issues head on we're going to see where they do or the doubt.
You said there were three you're, a slut yeah, hey, I didn't really means lie. That's a big word on the mill I, when I met you know, explain, which means so people will remain.
Is that I
ill like the number one thing. If somebody said what is the number one thing in the way, in particular for women of their relationships to me, it's casual sacks. Why? Because it's not, because I have a moral thing against it. I dont care
The problem is its casual for about three weeks and then you're, like
where's, the rest of the relationship. It's like well hee, hee hee,
he said it was just going to be friends of benefits. So once I acknowledge to myself that I actually was not capable of friend an apprentice benefits,
boy did my dating life? Get clear.
Like I never had to be yearning for some guy who didn't want me, you now know. I tried that like
three times unlike this is too painful. I have this theory that if you have a good such a relationship, its
at ten percent right and if you don't it's about ninety percent, I have heard again I ever get past it will
That's interesting! Ok, I've heard it said the other way, which you know my therapist said to me.
I don't know it's a study, but he said p.
For in bad relationships. Sex is eighty five percent important,
people in good relationships. Its fifteen percent important- it's like it, just takes on suddenly farmland for why it is good that we have a lot of joy, of new move on to everything else. Bagration shared experiences that, if you don't you
rejected yeah and then you go back to your number one point: you're pissed off. Yet
that said, I mean here's the thing I also
The people have a lot of fantasy around what sex is gonna. Do I think they imbue the partner with all these magical qualities around sex? I mean one
about becoming a sexually mature woman, and that was work by the way. Is that
once you acquire your own relationship to yourself around sacks, you bring it everywhere. You go
But suddenly it's not like Prince charming is bequeathing me phantom
exact. It's that I am able to create fantastic sex
the person that I'm wealth
and that is a huge shift. Look,
when you're saying it's just
I really believe that people don't get upset about what happens in lie for relationships that
get upset about.
Expectations being violated,
expect that a marriage or a relationship is gonna, be
something in the sitcom. Were that
You're gonna come home every day and your partners gonna, have some exotic array
experiences for you. Many actually get married in his bills to pay and new jobs to do and trash to take out.
And you actually have some conflict, because you have to have the division of labour sharing space and time and money people
can freak out because they thought it was supposed to be like this when rashly what they have a pretty good relationship.
You have to manage expectation, ass, an idea, and I think, if to make agreements like any other
problem that comes up any conflict that comes up to me is an opportunity to negotiate.
An agreement now I think people
a hard time negotiating agreements because they have a hard time being honest with what they were
from the other person. They have a hard time with being honest about how they feel and it takes a
of intimacy too
actually say? Okay,
What do you need? Here's? What I need?
cause you know, intimacy is in to me you see and some
but I dont want their partner to see inside them and some people.
We want to see inside their partner and in order to work out
most conflict, you're gonna, have to really go into that other person.
Her stand. What is making them tech and start
spawned from that place- and I think
That's a tall order for a lot of people. You make a point,
work. You say that,
their fears with intimacy yeah that if ever
thing is for American, yet heads that that
blocks intimacy because intimacy
this quieter worker.
And- and it's not in that
infatuation for its moral
more belongs to the long term attachment the age of the relationship? And you don't need that if you're hanging from the chandelier right, which have
gently early phase. I know what I mean
I've been in relationships where the person
the sad winners,
when you down shifting it's getting on the freeway in it, I mean it's like your in the surface streets and your zoom in around, and it's really fine you're taking corners now whatever and then you get on the freeway you're, like ok, we're on our way to California. Now it's going to be a while, and so
people, are like whoa. What, where the turns what's happening, I want some excitement.
Stimulation is very different than on its a guy. It's like a substitute actual
for making rail contact with another person. Method
expectations that I think about, because I always hear people win their first dating and even early in their marriage
They are always so connected, always stay up and talk until three o clock in the morning and re. We think so much alike. We can finish each other sentences.
Then, a year later it stop interrupting me. Jerk, like they were finishing, my sins have now. If you re interrupting morality, everything starts to ship, you ve, gotta, understand
there are gonna be changes in yet
It still normal is still can be exciting. Do you can still be in love, but it is
different than the infatuation. For it s very definite, doesn't level does one infatuation and go from infatuation to infatuation. I see
because I used to be one of those people
people do as soon as it starts going into high freeway phase.
However, an x ray up national city miles. You stay that way
don't get married because their selfish man
if you ve, been single for a long time and you're living by yourself in particular, is
that kind of built into the way you have to exist. Maybe I mean I think it's true for women and men
I mean the thing is: is we are
that is very me, centred it's very about independence
honestly that sort of
it's almost a religion. In it I mean that the self centered ness itches
our fears with
I feel like if we
had a bigger conversation about what it really means to being a relationship that it's really about two people sort of joy,
into a foxhole together and have each other's back and being in a we, not a me and another me
you start to sort of
have more reasonable expectations, as you say, of what's gonna happen here over the next day.
Weeks and months and years and decades
in your show on owned. You get this.
As to really one himself, some hard are here's to really do some examination and what's the main thing you want them to come to grips with in
So interesting, you got sixteen raw
there they came on with a plan like we ve got this issue,
at least one I mean they are here's the difference between season wine and and the continuation of season. One is that
everyone on the show in the second. Sixteen has seen the show, which is to say they know why there there
it came on with a plan like we ve got this issue and I want to resolve it.
They were really ready to roll up their sleeves and get to work so that
is wonderful. You know any time you see people who are willing to do the work to confront themselves to like look deep into whatever is going on in their relationships and takes a lot of courage, and I have so much respect for that process. I mean different people. Have
or things going on, but I would say,
a lot of it falls into the category of now,
knowing how far,
reaching a commitment really goes like. You have to
is your partner, put your partner first, it can't be your best friend or your mom, or you know your job or whatever it is. It has to be your partner and the
or you can do that.
The more you are like unified. You know
What do you think some of the biggest obstacles are
you see these couples facing, while I think
One of the classic examples is that they move really fast. They go
from dating to marriage in a big hurry,
and they don't thereby
sickly, still in the in the sweet from the chandelier phase and
other times their families are like slow down now?
often times what I see. I would see the second big thing is that oftentimes of families have object.
To the relationship, because they see something that the couple is either unwilling or unable to see
and the family is like we're, seeing it so
when they come on the show
a lot of it. You know they all come in. They sit down and day wine in there all in love and their super happy about it. There, like yea and by
beginning of day to their like what just happened, because they get it
the process of being confronted by your family, just unpacked, all your stop immediately. So in its great, if you
go through that process, we find couples and go through a three day process
come out of this,
much stronger couples, much stronger,
What are their families challenge about? That's the most painful for them
Dorothy I mean you know. It's interesting is a lot of times the very issues that the families having trouble with in the
Fiance relationship are basically
problems they installed. This is
by its so great to get the whole families together all under the same roof. It's like very fancy family therapy because you ve got the cause of the
problem in the region.
What's the problem,
in the same situation and that
not lost on the people. That is
you can see how her relationship with her dad has become her relationship with her fiance and the fit the bill.
It can see that too, and so
What that allows her to do is to maybe take some of the heat off this fiance and go while some of this stuff, I'm bringing into this relationship
I could resolve it with him. I wouldn't it
be cluttering up this relationship so much and that some of this stuff that I help them unpack and see what what
Bob comes on over their head, yeah. Do you
and that people know what
do, or is that a point that you think there
two guidance or do they find their own way down at path? I think
very first thing that happens when the light bulb cause I've. I've watched it happen. Sometimes, for example, theirs
Episode episode to where sometimes
you know I've been to so much therapy. My life so much couples therapy, but
and sometimes I'll just go
intuitive hit about what needs to happen just a connection, so I asked this couple: they were fighting. She was upset she,
angry. He was trying, but he was also getting frustrated ice
I want you guys to just
take hands they
each other and look at each other and within
ten seconds she burst into tears, the soft
miss that came over her and the south
miss that came over him, seeing her in her pain,
really was the next state that was the next move
all that needed to happen, and they were back on track
No, it doesn't mean their problems over the
air together as a couple
that problem, as opposed to now being all in this adversarial thing. Most
the couples that go through this process stay together right
we're about seventy to eighty percent.
We call a happy ending a family or fiance is when the real
others in the highest good of everybody involved, and sometimes that means this. The relationship and oh, tell me,
couples on doktor veil.
At the end I say you people need to get a divorce before dark. Today,
You shouldn't you home together. I should not take the same airplane dry. You should reach Europa server directly first and then he leave after initial than they were married. Lao
its astounding, to me how.
People, sometimes will devote
so much emotion, energy and so much pain to somebody that they just pretty much married at random.
I can tell you it's because it matches up with a child had experience and as somebody with a lot of childhood experience
no trauma that I couldn't.
Possibly have resolved,
just takes years and lot of work. I had to
be in it to work through it?
are you married now. I am not
do you think you will again
you know, it's interesting, I ended a relationship about six months ago.
Of six years and I
I think the reason I ended his cause. I could see that I didn't really want to get married and it's not that get
where it is a goal for me. But if I
wanna live in my house and you live in your house theirs
something missing, and you know
It done a lot of work on the relationship. There was a lot of willingness there.
But in the end I had to acknowledge to myself. I was basically that guy who's, like
Do you have to change anything everything's fine, and I could hear myself saying that going this isn't right and
let me just ended the relationship like that it was more than I could
you know I sort of. If things aren't like it
abusive situation. I actually do
not move until I'm sure
you know I don't like get an idea and carry it out. That's what I did when I was younger.
If you know anyone Doktor Phil, I am
I must say I have a list here. Do you ok, I'll? Listen, I'm looking for somebody who who is,
their function is willing to do the work you say
manner way more committed to relationships than women are
I don't know. I think what I said is that first
women file for divorce, seventy percent of the time and I think, in our
our seas in the season of family fancied? The men are much more committed than they were in the first in our first group.
That sounds, and I think maybe that got a little
I will say this man
do not leave
The same way, women do okay, and I'm gonna give you my theory on that. Why do women file for divorce? Seventy percent of the time I think
because women who are unhappy interrelationship, arms.
the men who are unhappy in relationship. I think men can compartmentalize. I think they can.
Throw themselves into their work, their sports of their whatever in there.
Hobbes and they'll they'll, be like ok enough to stay so
They tend to not need to go the same way, a woman. It feels like desperate,
and starving and hungry and like this is so pain ball when she's unhappy in relationship over a long period of time.
The true of some man
financial aspects of it this will mean.
Theory is the only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for a year.
It's been a bad relationship for a year and one day, wow
well I mean here's the thing I have come to understand or believe:
need to be connected to people
is so profound.
We will stay in a bad relationship.
People even saying abusive relationship? Will you know? I mean people get therein, but
well don't want to be alone, not because you, a woman, needs a fish like a like. Neither man like a fish needs by scholar whenever that saying, as I shall
That's a lie, I think actually
women need man and many women people need people. People need primary attachment relationships. People
He d pair bond and worn.
Can I talk anybody out of that
so it's really about. How do we have better healthier, more fulfilling relationships?
you believe in monogamy on shore
mean I want monogamy, but do I
Again, I go right to the home firm. You know, there's a
people who they don't really need that.
I'm not one of them. You just gotta know who you are now, I think,
some people, because I look at a lotta evolutionary biology like let's imagine that over the course of twenty thousand years ago there was a tribe and
in your tribe of a hundred people you want like
ten guys who
go all over the place anymore, ten guys who
they do want to just stay in the village and, like make sure everything's going great in the village and hunt for the village and stay with those women and then
ten women who, just
on a go all over the place and you ve got a whole bunch of women who don't so. I feel like when people tried to say it's all or nothing like human beings, our monogamous, I mean clearly many human beings. I monogamous and some are not enough.
I think we like this concept that, like men, have to pat spread their seat around, but we don't understand that their women are the same way
you know, there's hunters and farmers is. My theory is hunters in farming
and then there's hunt mirrors.
I'm probably one of those is like.
You just gotta know who you are
I've been with I've married to farmers. Those are
our great men are they going to be present in the United States? Probably not, but they are great great man
and then there's hunters hunter.
There are some they might be present in the United States, but,
gonna like kick it with you, the
a farmer will know
so you just have to know. You're not gonna have a both ways. That's I think,
What people really need to come to there's gonna, be
You're, going to choose this kind of partner that kind of partner, and it's not fair to look at you know if you get like
the farmer guy and go. I want you to go hunting. No. You have the love that farmer and likewise
if your hunter would you
you take on this relationship wise. I am concerned that win.
Much older than you are
Are you for me, but when
growing up. The internet
right wasn't even a gleam in somebody's. I write and
there were three channels right
very conservative television yeah, I mean Gunsmoke. I love Lucy nine Spout. There was a means, absolutely nothing provocative on television whatsoever that would lead young p
make their minds
or go there now a fee.
Studies where the
actual in your window in
sitcoms or whatever is like one, every thirty or forty five second sight.
What you see visually on.
Network television is very provocative and we have kids that are
Going into social media there
That they're, not learning
relationship skills. Like you say, having people hold
I contact for asked a short period of time is a meaningful experience for me because they don't do it anymore, and so now I think what is
happening is we're having kids that are jumping from really
liberty, childhood too?
fully sexually engaged.
Relationships when they didn't fill in the steps along the way and they're not
prepared for this, they get much deeper than they should be, and they come crashing down
what's gonna happen to them
generation of people that are not
skills relationship skills, because everything
is electronic here and
skills relationships? Skills are really atrophy in our society. What's gonna happen to relationship skills, or I think you ve said so many things right there. I have a twenty two year old Son, Sunlike rights, makin, the middle this I would say, first of all,
the team pregnancy rate has gone down by some crazy number like sixty or seventy percent? In the last twenty years, the the
The thing is that kid's our not having sex the way they used to like the way people had said
when I graduated from high school in nineteen, eighty to everybody was having sex
Now, they're, not
They don't drive either there just growing up.
Much more slowly, okay, so the problem to live to be a hundred and seventeen, so maybe it's maybe it all worked out in the end. The other thing
I would say. As
not sure what the section
As content? Does two kids? I almost think it makes them shot down because I look at the sixties. Woe
look at what happened? We had all this very conservative tv and then you have this giant boomer generation that went out and started. You know
everything we know of as the seventies, which was
really, you know,
way way more out there than these kids are. Can I
say, though, I raise a kid we're in a hole
group a kids,
in LOS Angeles and
They were pretty seem. I watched euphoria the other day. Have you seen it
watch a little bit of owners and even last night it is about which carry out there. I spent a lot of years in tv news writing the phrase its apparent
where's night, ok and I feel like there's a lot appearance. Worst nightmare porn out. There were people.
Has been going on the parents worst nightmare, like
I never heard of this thing. I not saying it doesn't happen. I'm saying I dont think that
real problem out. There is, you know, whatever
but you know anal sex. I dont think that that's what teenagers are doing. I have a son who loves his video games and is, in a long term committed relationship with the young woman, and they are, I feel, like this generation is going to
get married and settle down cuz. They don't need to do all that stuff that our generation- well, I'm not putting myself in the same time, but that my generation needed to do. We felt like we needed twenty years of like unfettered.
You now moving to New York City and doing whenever we wanted and
I don't feel like they need. They need that
I think. Yes, there are some kids out there doing whatever, but I actually
This generation has an opportunity. I feel like they're more ground. Did you know
that there is an opportunity for them to connect more deeply, because they are not doing that.
The screens are thing no question about that too shortly
different stimulus material than we had its day,
and I mean to me one of the great things
people, don't talk about issues
of our time is pornography and the fact of the matter as we
We worry about drugs, but most kids are exposed to pornography long before
they are exposed to drugs and that
to me is very disturbing. I sum
I feel that we are going to look back on this time. Like we look back on cigarettes and the parties and go like while everybody was doing at, we thought it was fine, but I do think it burn.
People's reward centres and it may
real life is never gonna, be whatever is happening when people, you know
and on their computer and go to wherever they go on the thing was the computers
I mean from like six eight years old,
they are so rehearsed on the computer,
the adult generation has
The knowledge, the cancer of the knowledge, but not the wisdom, so the union, but always guards on operators, is an area that click around that's very clicks from anything they want so tell including buying stuff yeah and whenever
fortnight or whatever it is it's. A real thing I mean they're generation is gonna have to come to terms with that
the way we have to come to terms like it's part of the human experience to have some sort of
mass experience that you have to come to terms with an that's gonna, be part of theirs. Will you premier season two while its basic
extension of season one technically. But yes, it's our next set about the sub its spring she's in exactly this January. Eleven! Yes,
It's on Saturday night, yet at
I m p M Eastern and Pacific. Tell us
but to expect it's gonna be exciting. You know what you want you can expect is to watch people real
Lee Diving into both their families and their relationships and making connections between the two and then
also. I think there is a lot of hope in our show people
a lot of stuff out in these three days. There are tears, there's laughter its with its they
human experience. What what I think about it from I've spent some time looking at the Essen and seeing what's going on, and I think two things about it really jumped out at me.
One is that it really challenges the generational legacy. It makes you really realise that you don't pay
to carry forward that say what
then foisted on that site and
number two. I think it is very thought provoking for the viewer, adult
thank. You can watch this
walk away from it and not think about how
this mirrored in my family had to carry this mirrored in the way, I'm being in law or apparent, or hell, I'm being in loud imperative. That, I think, is very thought provoking. It is, I mean, really will confront you in ways in a good way. He now really causes you. Thank you.
Over- and I always said in all the shows you done together- which just on the upper shell and in other shows we then together. We have always said that you want to hear. Is I never thought of it that way? I think a lot of people watching us are going to say I never thought of it that way and that's the money shot. Rather, I will congratulations on the shelves a huge success, and this is one of the things that I think you can actually say, is the highest and best use a television is its family relationship. Its marriage is giving people a strong take away. I hope you really proud of issue should be thinkin. Thanks for coming, painting have appreciated winter weather means dry.
Whether so you need to winter prove your skin. Now Robin always says happy skin is hydrated. Skin and she's got you
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Transcript generated on 2019-12-18.