Psychiatrist Dr. Charles Sophy joins Dr. Phil on his Phil in the Blanks podcast to share parenting tips from his new book, Family Values: Reset Trust, Boundaries, and Connection With Your Child.
“If you put your child first, your needs will be met,” Dr. Sophy says. “Where you came from doesn’t mean that’s where you have to stay.”
Dr. Sophy reveals the four essentials of modern-day parenting, the five letters that can fix any family, how to parent with a new lens, and more https://www.drphilintheblanks.com/
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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
This episode is brought to you by the real truth, a strategy game presented by the hip cast the last podcast on the left and the life calling. Truth seekers. Now is your chance to expose the real truth, take on your secret identity, complete missions, capture, cryptids and gather a loyal group of followers to unearth the truth behind the world's biggest conspiracies grab your tinfoil hat and buy the real truth game online or in store at amazon target or walmart. You talk about parenting with a new lives. What do you mean by the many parents feel that they're stuck or. it's too late, but never too late, and it should be invigorating to be able to reset yourself and look through a different lens in that land isn't gonna come unless you take a good hard. Look at yourself, welcome back to fill in the blanks. This
The day where I can kind of check my brain at the door. I don't have to think today. I got a brain across from It- is my good friend doktor, Charles Sophy. He is back. You know, doktor selfie board certified psychiatrists former meadow. Director of the form and the child and family services here in los angeles, which is the biggest department of its kind. there he was the director for many many years, full disclosure- he's. A member. The doktor phil advisory board so has been helped me for a long long time. I ask him to come back. I don't owe heavy time she's been on fill in the blanks, not enough. I can tell you that, but I ask him to come back because he has a new book out that is so timely, and so relevant there I really want to get in depth on it and talk to him about it. This is a wise man, a wise, professional, great car.
again a dear friend. The new book is Family values, reset trust, boundaries and connection. with your child and coming out of the pandemic and all the things that it pays a challenge wise. This just couldn't be more timely. This is an essential modern parenting guide to rebuilding parent, child relationships, really make them stronger than ever. It structured around four essential strengths of relationship, trust, shared police, family history and perhaps the most powerful of all forgiveness, doktor selfie. Thank you for coming back. Thank you for I mean I wouldn't have this book of a warrant for you. So thank you. Well, I'm glad you do have, and I can tell you that, as we get ended this twenty first season, I am told
king with families. Oh, and over and facing what families are dealing with coming out of this pandemic. It's been tough on a lot of family, some families. They use the time to really close some gaps in me, a bill, some things Barry, but a lot of families suffered losses. Yes of what once he has. A lot of them really have been under pressure from four actual losses against jobs and businesses, kids suffered educational gaps, yes, develop male gaps, theyve regret, as to prior levels of functioning there's just been lotta conflict, their problems that we have not seen before.
To this magnitude absolutely and substance abuse domestic violence, all your child abuse child neglect all went up because there were no mandated reporter ice on these children either. Look, I don't know whether people thought about this or not, but When the schools were shut down, they said a couple of weeks gives a couple weeks here will get a handle on this now fault people. Not knowing what was going to happen with the virus because it was unknown right. They were it's. A virus reveal under way along with this right, but I do fault the gun. forgetting heavy handed in our lives. I fault em for closing the schools. Without having a plan to reopen them right, I think when they shut things down, there were some unintended,
the consequences that we're now having to live with, which is why I say this book is so important right now. Thank you. Yes, I mean, and one of the biggest is the mandated reporter eyes on these children, teachers and policemen clergy. You know there are certain professionals who are deemed mandated reporters who need to rest report to the child abuse hotline confidentially or with their name anything that they made think is suspected child abuse and neglect Well, you don't have those eyeballs on children specially eight hours a day with teachers. Then a lot goes by that we don't get too known. As when we get to see we don't have to go check. and kids were living months and years now, without any eyeballs on them to report anything we're talking about mandated reporters. We may there. It is people that are employed by.
I or licensed by the state right that are under directives that if they witness something that they believe Puts a child in jeopardy or is evidence of neglect or abuse or molestation? or endangerment of a child correct then there is mandate that they have to report that within a set period of time and when they shut the schools down a lot of mandated reporters. This could be school bus drivers, cafeteria workers, teachers, administrators coaches, aids anything in this age, anybody school nurse, anybody and kids spin forty percent of their waking hours at school correct? So all of these objectives
If the device balls were not on these kids, how much did the reports fall off when the schools got shut down, while typically we get about? Eighteen thousand calls a month we fell to maybe six or seven thousand a month where them were comments resume. But what can you see through resume really, especially if people have their cameras on or a child isn't sitting in front of the camera all the time it's hard to see, so they fell significantly and now they're, slowly climbing back up. So in some cases that was as much
is two thirds yes, yes, we know the abuse, didn't drop, two thirds. We just know the reports draw a third, so that means two thirds of those children that may have been neglected, abused, molested starve, whatever were just suffering in silence, correct and then the cases we did have our workers couldn't go to the home, so they were trying to do one visit by zoom, again you're dependent on a parent or a foster parent. To show you what's going on in the home, you can't see if they're not going to show you that's an unintended consequence of course, but you wonder: did anybody consult with the dc f s is around the country about. How are we going to cover this? How are we gonna handle? This was running a big conference, many were meeting or anything just now we all had to fall out as the directives were made and figure out how it's gonna work within our own department
So eighteen thousand calls a month how many of those turned out to be actionable. Well. Proudly, three fourths, ok, some level of ag at some level, so twelve thousand kids a month, something like that one, There could be five kids to call yeah you're talking about a lot of kids that went through a year here. Eighteen months, twenty months or whatever of what may well have been, actionable abuse or neglect of sellers. Neglect lacked theyve now suffer that, without any help or intervention. So these now are tens of thousands of damage children
right just in the l, a area correct and then not even talking about the academic decline that they suffered? I do then you multiply that times. Fifty states and all the cities in the states and we're talking about millions of kids in California many counties- and this is just one county yeah. A lot of repair has to be done, yeah in a short amount of time, which is why, hopefully, the book will help people yeah. This episode is brought to you by smart food, the sweet, salty snack. You need this holiday season, air popped, popcorn, tossed in delicious white, cheddar cheese or mixed sweet, caramel and shut her. It's the perfect snack for your smart holiday party shop now at snacks, dot com. This episode is brought to you by progressive commercial insurance. It's all the passion project, side hustles in small businesses. We see you, you have drive, but if you drive more than you dreams, you want progressive commercial, auto insurance, they look.
For you with discounts for safe driving prior insurance and more plus, as your business grows, you can simply add more progressive, customizable, coverages, protect your drive to work and your drive to do business get a quote in as little as six minutes. A progressive commercial dotcom, progressive casualty. Iran's company and affiliates discussing coverage. Selections are available in all states or situations. One of the things I like about the book and I'll do in shameless plugs for this book. Family values reset trust boundaries in connection with your child. One of the things I love about this is: it really gives some red flags some ways for parents to notice recognize when a child is hurting when a child is having problems, because you start out
saying we ve got to have a base line and you ve got to compare your child a baseline right. I could come in and look at a child even as a professional and until I know it's normal for the child. I dont know whether he he or she has deviated from some kind a norm. But parents know what that normally a threat or should know what that nor you should know what the reform is utah. about in a book part one is finding the reset button and parents with a new lands and you didn't write a book for the pandemic, but it becomes acutely relevant because of the pandemic erect, and you talk about parenting with a new lands. What do you mean by that? While I think many parents feel that their stock
it's too late or I came from not great role models myself. What good can I do? You know I'm only doing what I came from and that's what I'm trying to show them? It's not that you don't have to live with that. It's never too late. You can always be a better parent, even if you have an adult child. So it's never too late and it's always should be invigorating to be. To reset yourself and look through a different lens and that lens isn't going to come. Unless you take a good hard look at yourself and understand that, where you came from doesn't mean that's where you have to stay and many people say, and I'm sure you have too many times. I'm not gonna. Do what my parents and went to the exact opposite, but that running right into that and becoming their parents, and that's because they never looked at themselves and they didn't look at what they didn't like about what their parents did. Understanding their parents probably did the best they could and when you want to do differently, and so that when I talk about in part one, what can we do differently? That's easy and simple: the fix so that you can release
at yourself and look through a different lens. You- and I have talked many times about generational legacy right. We all grow up with some aspects of our upbringing that we don't like and some that we do when you say Parents have to take a look at themselves. You gotta decide. What did you carry from your parents into your parenting? That's toxic if your parents blew up and yelled and scream and certain slam things around and you see yourself doing that you ok, this is racial legacy. I'm carrying forward things that I lived with an I shouldn't be carrying these forward and that's what you say. Let's look at this with a new lands and you gotta be willing to take a hard look at yourself and say: okay, am I doing the sands of
father. Am I doing the sins of my mother? My doing the same things they did to me? Am I doing it to my own kids, because your parents, all time, say I hated when my mother did this and I'm doing the same, damn thing right: they run right back into it, also when they're being triggered by their child. You know that five year old, that's having a tantrum is making. You angry, probably cause that five year old in you isn't dealt with it's looking at those triggers within yourself as well, because all of a sudden, it's a five year old fighting with a five year old yeah cause. You never move past their right. You spent twenty two years, yes at dc affairs, and you said whenever you enter these homes, the biggest things you saw missing, where safety and permanent sir emotional and physical safety and permits they did not offensive, home that was safe and permanent, maiden of an emotionally safe and permanent all either parents were immature. Parents were on drugs, or maybe not, but there's lots of domestic violence, lots of
the shoes that are being triggered and parents that are not allowing them stay emotionally, safe and stable for their kids and permanent and then physically they're not giving them a home. Or you know the violence that's going on around them, though this has nothing. do with socio economic. It has nothing to do with education. I know your practice and you ve got billionaires in your practice. You make it your business to see pro bono night indigent patients you see em, all up and down the socioeconomic and educational ladder, homes where a child doesn't feel safe might physically or emotionally, is not limited to any one group or no absolutely has nothing to do with money. Culture tradition, nothing. It has to do with that person and some of the most dysfunctional homes are some of the most affluent homes
and some of the poorest homes are the safest homes. So when you are listening to this right now, I don't want you to get defence, even maybe you're parents, maybe you're a grandparent thinking about what you're grandkid We are living with or kitchen, your church or neighbourhood living with. We have to take care of each other man right now we were talking about mandated reporters weren't there to look after these kids. You don't have to be the contractually mandated to be someone that looks out for a kid correct. If you ever kid in the neighborhood, and I've dealt with situations over the twenty years of doktor phil, where the neighbour head for kids, but they only ever saw three? playing outside and
For three or four years they find out who once not playing outside cause locked under the stairs and when they call this year there, so they go in, there may be other third visit. They finally hears scratching and they go? Look in the years. Is one kid for some reason locked under the shares in malnourished, etc, etc. So we ve gotta be eyes and ears, but it starts with you. Your apparent org parent grandparent, you ve, got ask each talkin about safety and permanence, Do the children in your orbit, whether europe, earner grandparent. Do they experienced physical safety? Do they feel confident that their protected? by you by the adults in their life there not in danger from you in the same with emotional safety? You say it refers to a state. The child is given
The live in where relationships have attachment predictability where they should be able to predict their parent is going to be there a hundred out of a hundred times like the consistency they need to count on that. Otherwise, the floors always falling out they never feel safe or secure. I didn't interview today with a set of parents from you, ve already and their child was murdered, by the shooter, and you ve already it's so interesting that this is right at the top of your book, because they said we didn't keep our child physically safe. And, of course, they did everything they could. There was nothing they could have done right, but what they're holding themselves to standard wiser saying we didn't keep our child physically safe. We feel like you, she did
feel emotionally safe because they think she was in there for. seventy seven minutes and the children were call on the phone for over forty minutes to the nine one one dispatcher to phone calls totalling over forty minutes saying please come help us. Why won't you come help as he is here he shooting people in the next room right now. Why won't you come help us and they were just crazed and help was because a bit- and they were saying so we know she didn't feel emotionally safe right. She was probably say where's my mom where's, my daddy right up until got shot. I ask him straight up: do you feel like you failed your daughter, and they said yes, we didn't keeper physically or emotionally. Save me
We open your book and you say the number one thing is provide yourself: physical, emotional safety. Might they did and think they didn't because of what happened, but every pair This listening us right now has the chance to do that. Yes, they do. They have the chance to do what you're saying, and I hope they do it. I really do is the beginning of everything right. It's the foundation for every core of your child to feel safe They need to feel safe, but in the real world, when parents try to do this, the kid you call it shaken them off that they act like they don't want that like. I am finally alone leave me alone. What do you tell parents when they get the eye roll and I'm? Finally, me alone? That's a great sign you're not supposed to be their friend they're, not going to like what you're doing. That's how you know it's the right thing, because they're going to fight it and be resistant, so just stick with it, and eventually they learn that
that's what it means. I love you I'm here in another moment when I was reading the first draft of your manuscript. It made me think of a few. That I had named John maloney in high school. This was really a good looking kid. He was Blondin just ripped six pack. This was The toughest kid I think I ever met. I mean he'd fired a buzzsaw. He didn't care. We were at my house one night in the winter in kansas city and there was an ice storm and we were going to go the basketball game, high school. We were bound and down the stairs to leave and my There said whoa, whoa whoa, where you go on as regards basketball game, she says you were not you're not going anywhere it slick ethics, get back upstairs and take us up males to do.
another point in arguing so determined way back up there and. I looked over it John and he was kind of trying to hide, look out the window and and why is that correct? daddy? Many had tears running down his face. I thought well, he must arise, We want to see that basketball game. I said a man. Are you? Ok, he stood there for a minute and said. I just wish one time in my life. Somebody cared about me to tell me: I couldn't oh somewhere, because it was too dangerous. Sad Never in my life Is anybody ever told me? No, I
didn't go somewhere because it would put me in danger. I just ever heard that before in my In that moment, I understood why he was so tough why he was so get them before they get me why he was so hard bury, defended danced the pain. It was his way of defending himself against the world and he was so touch. I was like god, target the house or shakes no bag. Upstairs, don't even argue that it's her love and he saw it that way. I took it for granted. He saw it that way right. It's really interesting, yeah, every kid craves it yeah every kid craves and they will find it. So when your kids roll their eyes when they try to come on maintaining at some level, it means
thing to them. Maybe they won't acknowledge it for ten years, but it's not your job to make him happy, it's your job to keep them safe, right, physically and emotionally, yeah. This episode is brought to you by amazon. Amazon has low prices all season, long on holiday gifts and millions of everyday essentials. Prime customers get unlimited free two day, shipping on eligible items and for everyone else. Shipping is free when your order includes at least twenty five dollars of eligible products same day, delivery is available on thousands of items from electronics to kitchen beauty, groceries, fitness and more shop holiday deals at amazon, dot, com, slash deals, this episode, right, you by sea, vs help protect your family from?
flew the season with free, flew shots at sea. Vs CBS also offers a variety of other vaccinations, including covered nineteen pneumonia, shingles de tap and more their certified immunized are happy to answer your questions as well as provide vaccine recommendations, save time by scheduling your appointment of advance, visit, cbs dot com, slash flu for details, flew shouts or no cost, most insurance. Eight another restrictions apply it so funny that that came back to me when I read that first draft of the manuscript, it was so insightful and I hope all my listers will take heed to that right. Now. Ask yourself! If you don't have that one what can you do in your family to make that part of your existence? Right now, I always tell parents, for example, after a divorce or after some big change or trauma in the
amelie. One thing the kid needs to see is that there's somebody around it's continuing to run the business of the family. Correct parents often go the other way and say well. This has been really tough, so I'm going to I'll be indulgent right now, that's the time that they need to still do their homework still get in bed. At the same time, that's where they need to say hey. It seems like hearings falling apart, but yet is business as usual, so all rules still apply. I guess my world not falling apart right. That's the message and that's why I part of the reason writing this book. It is whenever we have a safety plan for a family to get back together and reunify in the in the county were in Dcfs it's built on a building and teaching parents how to build emotional ends and physical safety and permanence for their child. Then we could put a kid, a child back in home, so if a family doesn't have that right now you want to avoid the system, read the book and do the things it's not that hard. It's not
it hard. But it's only not that hard. If you do this on purpose, correct, it's not a matter to say, and I want to be better. It's a man say, and I've got a plan to be better correct. Yes, chapter to your book, you say change yourself change your child right because they do mirror you. I think we get out of the universe what we put out yet yet we put so many inverse. It comes back right and you put something out to your child. It comes back right. Talk about that some. What do you mean specific when you say change yourself, change your child? Take a self inventory! Look at yourself! Look at where you want to be If you want to shed what you want to change and then start a role model it, because what your role model is one hundred per cent, what your child's going to do, even if they don't do it in front of you, they're going to do it when they're not in front of you how many times you hear of your child's role model citizen in somebody else's home, but they won't put their dishes in the sink after dinner. But you know that they've been
watching you do it they're, not gonna, do it for you may, because the last thing I want to do is make you happy, but at the end of the day there burnt a role model you and that's what it means that you got some exercises and about for people to do to try to take since then tory, but you can't really do this. If you're not willing to forget about being defensive, forget about how you may look forget about how you may grade your own paper and not like the guy. I said you gotta be really willing to look at yourself and say: how am I doing you gotta put your ego aside, ego aside yeah. It is about your kid yeah cause if you really want the best for your kid ego is not your amigo now exactly yeah. He kicked up to the curb exactly because that's what the
in the way in the first place. Yeah you have needs that are not being met and you're putting them first and in fact, if you put your child first, your needs will be met. Yeah. It's interesting that, even though these children come from us and there's genetic components and stuff There are not many mes, they have their own personalities, they have their own nuances and stuff, and we have to allow for that and respect it yeah and embrace it, because the last thing a child needs to feel is that you don't like them or who they are, how they maneuver, because they're going to do it more number one and number two teach them how to use it as a strength they're going to be different. They should be different. You know my two boys. Yes, there very different. They are from each other yeah, but their very successful, uniquely in their own ways. Even though their very different, very different, I I've always tried to really
embrace and endorse those differences. You have to Jordan's got a hundred percent more tattoos than I do really. I know this because I have zero. He's got a shit load, but that's he'll wanted him to have none But I realized that's who he is site whitewash and my other son sanjay has none and J getting? two's would be as natural as jordan having none right. Well, you got to meet them where they are you have to, otherwise they feel bad about themselves. Self esteem plummets, your self worth! Isn't there what's the point you're only gonna have to repair it anyway. Jordan used to come in sometimes, and he would have bright blue hair what the hell is that robin would say
You, okay with a say, listen anything You can wash off I'm good earthmen, Billy's eighteen. I guess this vision is going to be something you can't watch I and it was sure enough. It was right, but he makes it work right, of course, and it's part of who he is yeah you gotta made of where they are. You can't do that if you don't understand your own baggage right, because if you have a need to come troll who they are. That's not we about their right. That's about you needing to control them. be willing to give that up and coming out of this pandemic right now, these kids need a lot of validation. they need a lot of duality and very intimidated? A lot of these kids are intimidated by things they used to taken stride. Yet have you seen them?
one hundred percent, I mean kids that didn't have anxiety. Now I have a lot more kids, who already had some have a lot like they have an actual disorder at this point, some of it's o c d, some of it's generalized anxiety, but then I'm gonna, leave the house then want to separate social anxiety. You know it's reach levels where kids were used to being home in a little cocoon now Do you think the difference is right now with this particular generation, when I turned sixteen ukiah driver's license when you were sixteen right in some states now it's what eighteen, some thanks! Yeah yeah! But when I turned sixteen, you could get it when you were sixteen yeah, so and I was fifteen three hundred and sixty four days twenty three hours and fifty nine minutes you were right. I was standing at the idea of granite, yet a driver's licence at it now but
well the driver's license. So I could drive cause. There was freedom right now you could mourad go right and now this generation they don't even go, get a driver's license when they're sixteen they don't need to. They don't want them. They have no urgency for it. If their phone helps them, they have uber's, they don't need anything they don't have those kinds of needs that we did a long time ago there dating at a later date, they're getting your driver's license later having sex later they just don't seem to have the urgency to get engaged involved with the world right. The way we did an earlier generate. China sat a little bit because its holding the back and now This slows them down even more. Yes, a lot more because another laden with anxiety and lots of academic issues in lots of social,
wishes it ass, a slow down is, though, it's a bad thing. They do. What they want to do is yacht. Did it's wrong, is different right and it'll be an impact on a generation that we didn't expect. I think, but I think what's happened now- does slow them down yet before It was just a preference because they were more home. It is at all, but ass, saw a statistic. Just a few days ago, that loneliness was hot air among millennials than any other age group. Even the elderly that are. Feeling like there sit nor by themselves watching the paint fade. It is not true of all elderly, but I'm talking about them, does that make their loved ones have died, their spouses died even some of their family and their feeling, pretty alone, even millennials her.
Dressing loneliness at a higher rate per thousand than are elderly. I'm sure some of it has to do a technology. I think it I think there are living through. Their phones was two dimensional relationships in her sitting. Next to the person there talking to their through their phone yeah, it's terrible and that's why, in the book, I talk about ways to look at these things and put some parameters place and make some family values start to interact and talk and reevaluate yourself. One of the things that I like obviously like a lot about this book, because I m talking about it, so time for a shameless plug. I'm talking about Family values is doctor, selfish, new book, reset trust back recent connection with your child, and he said wouldn't have this book? If it wasn't for me I'll. Tell you what he means by that. I hounded him and hounded him and handed him some more to write this book because he's had
twenty two years experience as medical directorate depart, The child and family services he's had decades experiences aboard certified licence child psychiatrist, adult psychiatry as well, but in working with families. I just felt like one of us was gonna have to write a book about just right now, so said, you read the book and our right to forward, but He did. I handed you to write this book. As you know, it's just forty. It is that it came out, when it did after the pandemic. When I think families need this, but so bad The things that I really like about this is you don't ever throw parents the bus. You really believe that inherent in every parent, there are strengths, an passions that they can build on in chapter three of the book
you really walk parents through identifying what their strengths are. What they're really good at is apparent, even if they think they're a bad parent. You think there, some things they do well and they need to identify the absent. Why do you think that so important, because I'd in walking the one home it easier for us in the middle of the night or in the daytime, or whatever time we were called on to a home right and see a parent who loved their child on some level. Very rarely I mean if they were out of control from drugs yeah, maybe but other than that they loved their kit and their kids love them if the heartbreak was taken them apart and every kid found their way back, somehow whether we put em over here over there. So I saw that in that's a strength at the very least, that's a string. Then there were parents who could well or reno snuggled with their anything. I could. Latch onto his strength. We did that's what we built from and that's what I want parents to do. You had a different approach to that. I think them a lot of people, I'm a big fan of social workers,
think they do a noble task, but your falafel if he was always to unify families, not to fragment aright, he always try to fight and a way to keep him to to keep Come together because the alternatives were never good, couldn't put him back together, it's very difficult. I would stay until I could get a doctor or somebody to come and draw lab a blood test. So I could see if a father was on drugs or I would leave the kit. I didn't want to take this child if we didn't to, we ve put mobile dance together to be able to bring services right there when we got there to answer questions, so we could leave them together, at least overnight and get you know, the community jump in the church jump in somebody to help just to get us through the night, because once them apart him apart, was hard put back together and foster care with no answer.
a lot of times it was in a lot of times. It wasn't yeah, but that's a crap shoot yeah, you put them in foster care. You may get a loving, caring, giving foster parent or you may get somebody that's running a foster kid combine right or you forget, a loving parent foster parent for a month and then, after that, you've got a monster because they can't deal with it and then they react to that. Biological bond is hard to replica. Yes, it is, and I mean they're attached to that parent, the first nine months of their life they attached to that parent and they will find their way back to that emotional safety and permits that they can find people that read this book are going to find that you help them find what they're good at and build on there and you don't criticise rome under the bus. You do talk about talk. Power dynamics- and you do a really good
I'm talking about how to avoid confrontation head to head two balls running together in the middle of the room, if possible and find Some other way to resolve conflict. Write me. What good is it when you're Beauvais we're not going anywhere, and I always tell parents if there's somebody young and start to whisper if we whisper that person magellan has to stop the listen at the very least user, but conflict is gonna, be resolved when you're here Do you think everybody has. whether its inherited or theyve specifically chosen it. everybody has a predominant pair style, right, yeah, leather, exactly whether they experienced at themselves or they ve been earlier. They ve been traumatized into whatever. Yes, they enter parenting with a preconceived idea of what it should be like
who they're gonna be in it, I used to have parents, it would come in and they would be at odds about who was right? Who was wrong and they would come in and argue to the death of sitting there. Thinking neither wanna be within a country a mile. Exactly of what you oughta be due at both of you need the dearest hit the erase burning and start over right, because you got a clue of what this child's going to respond to your doing the best he can. And children learn what they live in your discount, reflecting how you were brought up doesn't have to be now and I'm not good at tell everybody everything in the book, but you talk about the balanced parents, a feather parent, seesaw apparent the tyrant. You talk about the different styles of parenting and You really have to match this to your child.
personality, correct and you may change within those parenting styles from month to month week to week, depending on your child's development and how they respond always tell parents if you gotta, rebellious child, you don't want to take an authoritative approach. Right, you got to head heads, does it work they ve got a really passive child. You don't want it, take a permit eve approach, you guys will sit there watch each other, but I was afraid somebody's gotta take the exactly, but you describe, well and give them an interesting smorgasbord of things to think about? But you get down to something that you call sweep again, I'm not gonna give everything away, but it's a collection of tools that will give parents rick the vital information they need understand themselves. Let's walk him through quickly. Ass is for sleep. Yes, why is it so important
well for eight hours or at least eight hours. We should be restoring our brain with quality and quantity of good sleep. So when our kids aren't doing it, we're not doing it, it's not a value in our home. It's a problem cause you got. People were angry and irritable and intolerable, so you've got to start off every day. Having good sleep and when you say, restore the brain. This is not a metaphor. People are getting quality, uninterrupted sleep, the brain Does it work replenishing itself, bio, Kim We re in ways that increase frustration, tolerance, constantly should a number of things that need to happen bio chemically within the brain right, because if they don't what the trickled down effect is, then you gotta irritable mood. You have no good in sight. Your judgment is off your impulsive there's a lot of downfall from not sleep so you're building a house on sand review, don't start off with a brain that is rested and replenish night.
biochemical neurotransmitter wise now, w in sweep is work. You say your time. King about, however many hours a day, it's been utilizing physical and mental energy towards a targeted result. That means, if you want your family to be a certain way you gotta invest in it. Yeah one hundred per cent you'd have to and you have to do it and you have to be willing and wanting to do it. It's not just I have to work today. Work should have some purpose and meaning for you, whether you're staying home and you're, taking care of your children or you're out and you're the ceo of something or whenever you do it has to have purpose. You need purpose and if you're working parent and you're working out, the home. Then you ve got a strike about once and understand. I'm working for a reason here to provide in my family am I going to feel guilty about it. I'm going to give myself permission to do. This is for a meaning and a purpose, and when I'm done, I'm done,
then I'm going to go and write focus, and hopefully they enjoy the that time that they're spending doing they're, not bitter they're, not angry they're, not coming home with resentment yeah, he the first he is for eating and it's the importance of new. fishing. Of course, this is for the parent and the child, because if you don't have good nutrition again physiology, Will you not gonna be where you need to be in terms of frustrate? Intolerance runs, durability, right is gonna disrupt your sleeve. Your blood sugar is gonna, make a child act on a control when their hypo glassy make many times. Kids, don't have lunch and the round of control and parents don't understand that Didn't even eat their lunch and then emotional expression is the other and you say for apparent to be emotionally healthy They got a really turner here in word and be in touch with their thoughts in their feelings, erect and find an approach
real way, not yelling? not screaming not stuffing down, but an appropriate way to give their feelings. A voice like I tell parents like you, should have fifty percent come from your head, fifty from your heart and it should meet and come out your mouth. Everything has to have a thought and feeling and communicated deal with it and show your children by role. Modeling hats, how you will note yeah appears for play, and you say This doesn't get enough attention. I think particularly right now. with anxiety, high with pressure on high- loneliness at all time high levels, its import for people at any age, adults the grandparent in the home. There's gotta be some time where you do play because its cathartic
it lets things go itself soothing. You need the tools to be able to take care of yourself like when you have a child in a crib. You want them to learn to soothe themselves to sleep instead of having to you know, cry themselves to sleep, while you're teaching yourself with hobbies how to soothe yourself. That's why there are things you do by yourself things you do with others, but on a rainy day you need a soothing hobby saving really is, and some of that play that you do together. You just need some time to become a silly. You know with your kids if your kid trash make you laugh laugh for god's sakes, he asked that's a gift there. What they want to tell you how they love you. They want to tell you you know I my good enough, laugh you're doing them such a world of good, their self esteem, their self worth.
and then they see you smile. It takes a thousand outer boys to erase one you're, not good enough. Yes, I mean that's the other thing it at Dcfs. I saw a lot of kids when I'd walk into these homes, who they were the parents and the parents were the children and they were doing anything they could do to make their housework these poor kids at five, six, eight ten, twelve and really it should have flipped, and so that was my job to flip it without having to break them up yeah. It's really sad. Sometimes when parents communicate to their kid that they're disappointed right in their child, that's so painful right and most of the time it's them disappointed, self. So take a look inside and you can change a lot of that and then have a different outcome with your kid. You talk a lot in the book about having a framework for the family having guard rails and having some definition. in about values. You really need
to know your family is and what that family name stands for. That's critical. absolutely I mean, what's the point of having a family, then it's just a group of people hanging out together if there's no purpose and no cohesiveness and no focus what you stand for. I remember when Jay was, I guess he was in seventh or eighth grade and he had a friend over and Jordan was seven years younger, so he was maybe four or five and of course he wanted to follow his brother around all the time and jay's friend was over in jordan, went to go, get something or whatever and his friends said: hey quick list as running here and close the door and and hide, and he won't find us and Jay said. Ah now we don't do that right that the family values he said. What do you mean he said? Well,
Will we just don't do that here that there would be mean and there would upset human. We just don't do that here. We don't treat each other that way overheard that from the other room- and I was really proud to hear him say that dislike- we don't do that by our fate What does it do that we're not mean to each other? We don't do that again. That was the only explanation he needed. That's not who we are. We don't do that that no one it he was expressing a family value that we just don't do that night and he got that from the role modeling of you and robin and that's important for kids to know right. There are certain things they dislike where the selfies- and we don't do that right. We don't, steel we'd all right, outta rugs this. We don't do certain things right, omnipresent, yes and gotta. Ask yourself: what do your
as you know about your family values. What are the things that we just don't do, and I don't think many parents have an answer. That's my. We wrote this book because they can certainly do some inventory and make some and for the rest of their lives, have great family. I used to in stolen pass on. I think a lot of people, maybe no those things or have those things they just have it inventoried an articulated them. Yes, I agree. I think you really are gonna cause people to do that. When you get into chapter talks about row, modeling chapter eight talks about communicating in connecting chapter seven, the five essentials of your new family portrait That's where you get and all those things and I think most people are going to find I do know those days they do. We just haven't really acknowledge
them out loud, because we make life decisions everyday life If decisions are things that you make an, then you just embrace and like most people, make your life decision, that they don't steal. So they might get up in the morning and say ah, Madame running late for work, and I need cash flow. I want rob that seven eleven dress on the corner. stop by the atm. They don't have discussion with themselves because they ve made the life decision. I don't steal right, so they don't have to debate that they just go to the eighteen and they events. Though, that in their children, your causing them here to say, let's ride some things down and make sure that we acknowledge that, because kids take power,
in their absolutely and parents time. I sometimes think that they don't have the old value, but their huge family values that you have just assumed and taught. But there is a value that I grew up in sport words, and so we learn some of those things in sports yeah but way hustle we, yes, a hundred percent, yet the support our teammates. We show up to practice on time there values that you learned as a team, so you incorporate the links that was important for make us my dad was a drugs. You hid with that kind of thing, so you get him somewhere, but parents can give thanks to their kids and they do a lot of times without even knowing is by role model. you spell it out in here and you're gonna cause them to do these things on purpose, but look congress relations on they were. You really did a good job on you. I love that Action oriented its doable. It made
the parents where they are at a time that they really need a partner. Yes and I'm here to be upon it well your partnering with this book and it's not a bunch of theory. It's not a bunch of philosophical musings, its action oriented things to do to lead your family out of a maze that a lot of families are in right now right. I think this great, you should read the forward, good I've seen there I've heard a lot of people come in on. There is by its very learned: guy wrote that thing with me never mind, I see that. Thank you good forward Guys will really enjoy this book seriously. It's out now is this bit out a few days: his family values forward by doktor film, a girl reset trust boundaries in connection with your child.
I don't apologize for doing a shameless plug for the book. I think it is really a top quality book. I think this is going to be a staple for parents for a long long time to come. You took a long time to do it lot of thought lot of research and I hope you're proud of it, I'm very proud of it and, I hope you're proud of it, I'm very proud of it. Yet I hope people can tell I'm proud of it, because it's a good book, thank you
you'll come back soon. I hope you'll be on the show soon, where we can actually put this to work with barely said, I would lovely lotta help yes, doctor Sophie thanks for coming by you. I appreciate everything you do I'll talk to you, sir. Thank you so off new to the dead rivers casino up, then, let's show you around, starting with tons of amazing lives, including the exciting tie. Your lord and peacock beauty, or check out the action of wine, diva, lightning relaxed and are incredible. Live dealer blackjack place at our award winning customer service and a fine, never ends that risk is dino, outwits lights and live dealer gains it's a whole. New game must be twenty one plus available in pencil. The only viable prohibited terms and conditions of black was that if I risk, as you know, philadelphia gambling problem, one hundred gambler
Transcript generated on 2022-12-08.