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20: How Dual Career Couples Balance Work, Life, Family, and Change with Dave Hollis

2017-12-24

On today’s special edition of Dais, my hunky husband, Dave Hollis, is back on the podcast to discuss how working couples manage career, family, and all of the things. We dive into our routine, how scheduling is key, especially with the awesome Cozi App-cozi.com/rachel. We also answer a really important question, can you change your partner? Enjoy this open and super honest conversation. GET THE COZI APP- Cozi.com/Rachel Pre-order Your Copy of Girl, Wash Your Face- amzn.to/2qSzmjj ENNEAGRAM TEST: https://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/dotest

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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Hey guys, it's reach our houses, and I'm here is my friend: Trent Shelton was originally you don't I live in the dream, man, we? U tell listeners, why we're hanging out together and now we're home now, because we are launching a new package straight up and I'm super examined at the seller. Add if you guys are not already familiar Trent. He has millions and millions of fans all around the globe who come to him for a very unique style of coaching yeah rearing rights are. The point is really, and put a stray from the heart and break into those negative mindsets breakin through of which only you back. In Mostar, we haven't people's lives and young for love, that if you guys want here more you're, already listening on a podcast platform, go subscribe to straight up with Trent Shelton Short. Let's go get it.
One of the cruellest things that I get to see as part of my job is the manifestation of the product or products that I dreamed out, and created and figured out how to do like. So many of you as a business owner, you get these ideas in your head and it is incredible to get to watch them come to fruition and I started dreaming about one of our most popular products. The start today journal I start dreaming about this. A couple of years ago I had been, doing this daily practice based on several different people. I had heard about several different things and I gonna put them together into one daily practice, which was every single day. I wrote down the dreams I had for my life, but I wrote them as if they had already happened. There's something really powerful about claiming
as if it's already done, and I wrote down every day and it was how I set my intentions. And then I would just about it on social and so many people. What are you doing? What is that? Where do I get that journal? And I was like guys: it's not a journal, it's just a notebook, writing down the same thing every single day, but what I think interesting as business owners or creators is often times. In fact, most of the time your audience will tell you what it wants from you and I kept pushing it off, because I was you guys. This is not a big deal, but it was an people kept asking for, and I finally just thought what, if I turn this into a product and I started to dream and plan, and I literally taped pictures wall of my office of what I dreamed that my journal would look like in the entire and behind it, and I wanted the covers to be really pretty, and I wanted it to be something that you could do once a quarter and then, as you
complete at each journal. You'd have a stack of this evidence of how intentional you were about your life and we ve heard Now- and I mean you knows, times we messed up on the shipping, and sometimes we rest up on interior, but we failed our way to where we are today, which is the start today journal in the hands of hundreds of thousands of peace. Oh, so incredible such a blessing for me to be able to go on Instagram and see hashtag start today journal and see people all over the world using this practice as away. To aim in the direction of their dreams. So if you are not familiar, and you want to check it out, you can go over to the Hollis code, dot com forward, slash shop and find all about my favorite practice turned my favorite product and, if you're not in the market,
by remember that episode. Seventy two of this podcast gives you the exact step by step so that you can do it in whatever note book you have laying around for free you not to buy a product, but you should be doing this daily practice. It will litter, We literally change your life, the here. The balance is even a thing like as in hey it's fifty fifty is not real. Welcome to the day s podcast. My name is Rachel Hollis and I felt a multi million dollar media company with a high school diploma and a Google search bar each week. We'll share direct, tangible advice or inspiring interviews with the same intention. These are the tools to change your life. Welcome back.
Welcome back to the path cast husband Thank you. I appreciate you haven't me back on the podcast. It hurts. My feelings are little bet that were the most popular podcast. From season. One of DAS it should not hurt your feelings, it should make you proud it does make me proud. I only it only her twinkling slightly, because I always Want to promote women who are killing and business, and you just come in with all your ears at sea, smart, para- Wick information land, just Andrews Andrews, kill it well it chopsticks. Yes, I do and you know today we are talking about how couples who both its pink but it won't be pink on your lips. I promise I'm not worried. I just wanted to come out of the container. Today we are talking about how couples who both work. Man-
edge, work and I've and family and schedules, and all the things it's an interesting thing. Having grown up in a house that had certain gender roles and certain decisions made by parents where a mother stayed home and was a house. You know like a bookkeeper at the house. And super noble, unbelievable hardest job. Frankly, that I can even think of hunger in the world and at the getting of are courtship When I got married, he I got married. I know your ambition and the drive you had with such a huge part of what attracted me to you, but it did take a little bit of on, learning some of what I had described as right and wrong in terms of women's roles in the world when it pertains to family and enough Ten years removed from that beginnings of our dating I'm just completely in a dish, mindset as to how a house
Ought to work and how couples who both work out run their house, but I do think you have start by at least identifying that you are right, in an environment that probably informs how you think until you are able to surround yourself with people who may be have had other backgrounds. It's gonna be hard for you to be. Comfortable with something that diverges from how you yourself are raised. Yes, I think that that is really awesome perspective for any man who might be lessened. Because you're sort of preaching to your past self. I think that's an awesome place to start for us because really interesting is that in the beginning of our marriage, there were deaf, Lee those roles we had both goin up with families. That looks like that, where you know dad works and mom for the most part, both our moms works, but for the most part their role was inside the home and we got married and we both worked. Not
fancies bet because we had a mortgage to pay. So there wasn't an option where you know I stayed home, but still. That was the expectation Definitely from you and I think to me a little bit like. I need to live to this idea that I've gotta work all day and also figure out how to get down on the table by myself every night by the time you get home. So we were both kind of living into those roles, and I think it definite. We probably the first real fight of our marriage, there's no you're and remember that, wasn't really a fight, but it was they get clout am way Do you know where shaving cream comes from your mother's argumentative, I do which wise. We can. Now. I had felt a little bit like I was kind of taking on a bit more
and I don't know if I was a growing gross shopping for the umpteenth time or whatever it was, but it felt like. I was kind of doing more in my own and I snapped- and to devise a do. You know where shaving cream comes from couch. Do you think that little fairies show up in our house and replace your shaving cream every month now it is me making sure. It's here. So the first row conversation that we had about we need to do this together and an God's honest truth, your wrist, and ass, an I wanna go go shopping, but I go, go shopping, but I will happily pay for someone to do that for us that that was I mean- and I remember the time being frustrated like you. Wanna and then I was acquitted minute. I also don't want to get in our house, and I also don't want to scare the toilet. So, yes, let's reconfigure budget and give up like a man,
we date night in order to have someone come once a month to cleaner how so we'd joking, we say a lot that that was one of the best decisions we made in our marriage as to working people was to read budget, reallocate our budget to be able to afford a housekeeper in the beginning. They came once a month and then we had a little bit more and they came every couple some men, they came once a week and labour really just doing that. Deep clean- and I have been really honest about this, even though people want a punch me Every time I see it, we have for children, we both work full time buffer, pity intense jobs. We have a nanny that we have had with us for years and years and years she absolutely runs. Oh, my gosh. We want to marry her and have her be just a part of our fishing, the heart of our family and and prepare, hearts for this. We have a housekeeper, we have any and we have asked keeper- and they are both
wonderful- and there are an integral part of US being- able to go to work and our kids being well cared for, and our house being well cared for, and that is a priority for us and its help in how we eat well. You know, Like oh we're, having lobster, I mean we're having balanced meals and thoughtful a thoughtless naxian. You know like things that keep us s version of herself at work, but also the best version of at home in part, because we, cited that hey is a part of that all of our having chosen to each work. We are going to invest in creating a system that it's the best environment for our kids, in the mess environment, for our marriage, the best environment for our family and it's a. U know, honestly, it's a strange thing, because it's it's hard to have people who don't have this
They haven't that if the people that haven't made this decision, they might hear this and say what in the world, I believe the air and that's ok, yeah, you are one Percent entitled to Europe respect and especially led to the person whose chow and to stay at home as a mom. Yes, I have mad so crazy respect for the church, is that you ve made and how hard it can be and how much work it can be, and also by the way, how rewarding it can be shared. You get that kind of quality time with your heads. It's just not a thing that we ve done I needed to do. I think that, all kinds of comment if it takes all kinds of kinds it what's right for, our family is right far away. Yeah and what's right for your family is ultimately was right for your family whoop yeah we're not going to judge you wanna come around love and support, whatever decision that you have made, and hopefully she's not attach Vienna gas digestive I'll, do that's all
The thing that is none of my business yeah. My thing too, is I want to be honest about. But it takes to, have come at this level and travel at this level and and a tribe at the size and the work that we do. We take that very seriously. I think we both Phil Real, passionate about the idea that this is our calling. This is what God put us on this earth to do and I want to be really honest about what it takes, because people send me it's all the time on social media, saying I dont know how you do it. I don't know how you do you do all this by yourself. Unlike sister, we don't we don't. Oh my gosh, we ask for help. We asked for help we asked for help and I think that there are no. I know that there are women listening to this right now who want help who can afford?
but dont get it because they are worried about with her mother and was going to say or their worried about what the other moms at school score, gonna say, or the word about, like sister brother, like gather around. You need to do what is best for you and what is best for your family and not concern yourself with what everybody thinks about you from the outside, and also the calling just be even clearer- and I entered this gonna sound a little audacious but We are on this earth to change it yeah period a great. We are on this earth, tat change it Haifa. And changing it requires a community. To come around her family and help support us in how we go into the world to try and change, so I've seen quite a lot lately where celebrity moms and I'm working people who have who have companies behind I'm not just an actress or blogger whatever, but people of built companies are going
things like a summons, asking a question how to balance at all. How do you do it and there like well you know, I'm super organised or you know I just work extra hard, a very egg. Celebrity mom person did this recently and I wonder at my hair out and lighted on fire. You do not do it by yourself. You don't You have help when you as a person of influence speak to the women in this country, are all around the world and you imply that you are operating at this level with this company and these babies in that hair and that body and that you're doing it alone. You make the moment Ohio feel worthless. You make her think crap Don't even take a shower today and you ve built a multi million dollar company by yourself, she's, not alone, she has help, and so I just want to speak in two man. We use every tool and trick at our fingertips?
help us do this life better for ourselves and for a family and we bring a family and originally were deciding on a nanny and help and whatever else and help and whatever else it was gonna. However, I was gonna show up. There were the worries that anyone might have about what might mean for them children to be raised in committee as it were, and one of things you worry about is if I have a nanny hanging out with a baby at home and I come home, if the baby wants to stay in the arms of the nanny more than she wants to stay in the arms of your dad and the reality is it will likely happen every time and that every erst fine actors, kids, have an infinite capacity for love yet, and the idea of rounding that child with love all day, love that is as legitimate
an authentic as the love tat we could create and provide for him or her is the goal yeah. I just want to have these kids feeling lives and territory at the first points higher than the second point is our kids have no context to compare life that they are living to everything that happens. In our home, is all they have ever known. It is full of love and rules and supports and boundaries, and that is there, normal and what's normal for our kids, isn't necessarily can we normal for the kids of people that are listening if they have a different way of doing lie, and that's just fire. Everyone has a different definition of their normal. I'm really proud of kids yeah how behave they are and how well they are clean you how well they clean up and in how you know
how social they are and how articulate they aren't all the things, and it is a product of what would be seen by a lot of people as a different styles raising, but the the the aim is less conventional way is great, even if it's different tat, he guys will be back in a half minute with me hey guys will be back in a quick minute with more of this interview, but now a quick word from with sponsor.
Each chapter of girl, wash your face, begins with a specific lie. I used to believe that left me feeling overwhelmed unworthy or ready to give up as a working mother, a former foster parent and a woman who has dealt with the insecurities about my body and relationship. I try and speak with the insight and kindness that would come from a best friend. I want to help you unpack the limiting mindsets that destroy your self confidence and keep you from moving forward. My book girl, wash your face, is available everywhere. Books are sold and the audible version is narrated by me. I hope you'll check it out.
If you are heading into the new year with a huge desire and a new year's resolution to get organised, I have the answer the cosy act. This is something that David, I discovered honestly through trial and error. We really wanted to get our lives together. We really wanted to schedule that he and I could both have to access what the kids were doing on which days what doctors appointments we need to go to whose birthday party was the Saturday and honesty guys. We tried out about fifteen different options before we found cosy. We love cosy because we have access to each other schedules. What the kids are up to and our man he's on it as well, so we can all communicate. Who needs to be doing what at what time? If you are a working parent, you have to have this up and here's the deal to really cool things. You can even add items to your cosy, less using Amazon Alexa and it's totally free. You guys get the cosy, app c, o c I from your app store or cosy dot com, Ford, Slash, Rachel.
Hey all our next women's conference is only a few weeks away and if you have never attended before this is the events that will change your life rise is a three day: women's personal development conference, where we laughed until we pay our pans and we talk about things that we cry and we find community and we create the road map to changing our lives or our businesses or whatever it is that you're working on. If you want to find out more your curious, what it's all about, I highly recommend you go check out the instruments and see what our community says. You can hear it straight from them. It's at: let's rise, dot, co and, if you're looking for the next one, it's happening in Toronto. On March this, through the seventh that's Toronto March, there, through the seventh check out all the details at the Hollis cold dot com. If you have been looking for a nudge, if you have been looking for something to kick start change, I promise this is the thing.
Hey I'll, do me a favor wire listening to today's episode, take a screen, shot and put it on Instagram or your into stories and tag me. I love hearing what you think and seeing what you're up to and it helps the tribe remember to go us into this week's episode thanks so much think I'm so I would. I would speak into the idea of that moment, when a spell if you have a baby, this happens with every baby. If you have a nanny, that's caring for your baby. There will be a moment where you come home from work, and he reached for the baby and the baby clings to the nanny and the very first time this happened to me as a mom. I cried four hundred and ears I was so upset, and I ended up speaking to another older mother who had been working mom, her whole parenting career and she was the one who spoken me like Rachel. Why wouldn't you
your baby to love the person who taking care of them all day changed my perception, and I knew it happened literally with each subsequent child, so with Noah can. I was waiting, unlike there's gonna be a day come home and it haven't about three weeks ago and I reached for her and she wanted They would show our nanny- and I was just like- oh my gosh, your best friend judges, your best friend of court, like it did it it not even for a second cause. I was like they are just Georgia loves her so much and she loves you so much and seconds later than she reached for mommy. It didn't change her perception of me and what I ve learned is that the older they get. The more that quality time for us, like I have bonded to each of my children, the older they get. I think I have said this. Before I'm not. I love. Oh, my gosh. I love no one. I love all of them with their when their babies, but I am a better mom for older kids
I'd like to beat myself up forever, guys all be fully transparent like idle, I'm not like the moms who, like one I like rock their baby four hours, they like love being pregnant or they love breastfeeding alike. I I'm not die respected so much, but, like all my ass? I might can we just quit Can we read books together? Can we I just like an older kid so that older, my kids get the closer we become, so I don't beat myself, about like not wanting to to be. In that space I don't know, I'm so freaking. Be that Noah and judge our best friend what a blessing we ask for help and we use whatever resources are available to us and we invest stead, and resources to support us over fancy cars over night.
Locations over where we are home bodies and we would rather be a home than anywhere else in the world and so we have always put are whatever. We had to spare. We have always put into our home life so that, this ban like heavy, Investing in a house or investing in the people who help us make that house run or having like a really great couch or or really good dead legislative jump forever for a pool believe it was at the house. You have given me the thing that we did at the house. I mean we barely leave the house were at the outset. That's where we put our sight at yeah, it's a bit of a trade but a trade off that again made sense for a family I'd rather have a great lake comfy bad. Then a nice car. Any data wait true cause we I bet we love or bad. I, like your many when it's in sport yeah it, as is my car Ok, so who I like that
define your roles, who is in charge of what we really? You don't really good job of of splitting pudding Secondly, I have said and will continue to say, Dave is as much a parent as I am here, as president and our children's lives he drops it gets off as much as I do. He takes into doctors weapons as much as I do. I think that made that I don't know. I don't have a lot of other experience with that of men, especially at your level huge executive in the film industry who, carved out as much time to be present. In their lives and and you say, like a wolf Rachel will take them to the doctors appointment cause she's. There mom there may have been times earlier, my life where would have assigned who's going to take him, the kids as a responsibility of the mother, and it has a great for the evolution in how we think
gender roles in her house, I'm as responsible for doing the things that these kids need. These practices are doctors, appointments at school. Commitments. As you are aware, There is a little bit of hey, I'm gonna do Monday and you can do Tuesday and I'll do Wednesday, and I did the dentist in UK the doktor and we you know it's again it's as much my responsibility, as is yours, and jobs are not he's running the same exact pace, so some of it is, you know contingent on. Who's got more stuff at work. Whether there's travel that we have to be considered or some relief you know. I've got a move. Coming out. Are you ve got a book coming out there things also dictate whose gotta run a little stir with the kids and who can you know, depend
on that. First, going lava fastening. So what we ve talked about this before we actually have a video about it on you too, but we have developed a habit which has been really great for us, which has every Sunday night we sit down. We open up this joint calendar app and we work through like ok for it, has it Just went on Thursday key taken with that. No, I can't ok I'll get it whose doing drop have you ever work out here? People of ass a lot and like. What are you put in the Alps called Cosy by the way, but what put in the app and we're like literally everything here, he Dave's work out my work out any any. Any appointment that the two, might have that would bleeding to between. Like before eight, a m or after five p m goes in the EP and then we also this is. This is a huge deal. If you have babysitters or your mind, helps out with the kids or you ask him or whatever They also are. They have access to the absent. They can see. Ok,
you're gonna. Can you pick up the kids from class at this time, because both David around the office, so that has been a really great thing as using a calendar to divide those roles by weak and the meals and we are residing in the on Sunday. We are going to eat this on Monday this on Tuesday this on Wednesday, there's a link Rachel's putting into the app that has the actual recipe for assigning whose making the NEO sometime ass, Rachel or myself that's making the meal? Sometimes it's the housekeeper, that's making the meal, but everyone knows whose doing why and by Pre planned, What we're going to eat were also eliminated, the chance that we're gonna make a bad choice about our food totally, and you know to the extent that We know what we like yeah. We understand what the kids like times. It's also that we're making this for the gaps and were making that for the heads, but there's no last minute. Decisions that have to be made were planning.
Were buying other groceries at a time, were you know again eliminating the chance to really stray from trying to eat a little bit healthier, healthier because he's s anti, because there's like to do less and shopping less, so avi I'll, be honest like it boys have a birthday party to seek and I will put an end to do list to the nanny ok when the cadets Or can you take no at a target and get me a guest around forty dollars for a seven year old boy and I'll come home. How many like wrapped and ready to go because I honestly, if I just if it if it has to fall on me, we're going to run out that morning or probably going to get a gift card to a bunch of that we love about it, but it has been a big game. Changer frass is we I am it's hard to do not every Sunday and we tested out a bunch of different calendars before he found that one and we ve just really appreciated it. So One of the things that I have as a responsibility in our house is finances.
That is the one thing that I No, I have a minute envelope that one day of something doesn't work out for me not not, would Rachel will find out where yeah I know it had a mayor isles and where our money that now grown up woman. I know that I know it so like anti feminist of me, but I mean if Dave dies, I am I'm in trouble Language has a monopoly on. Well, I don't know it was a nice note. I place I that, yes, sorry I I don't know not one thing. I think I probably take on just a little bit more of the planning of things than you do, one other person so, like you know or gonna, get a Christmas tree or alike. Let's make we're going to keep for the with a holiday branch and, like all forgot, the breakfast like I'm up, that's a little bit more one. My erosion area I am to show up. Yet
really that's mine. I am happy to be here happy to have them and I don't want to know the BT s of those years. Awesome I mean we talk about all the time on any kind of life stream. That is about relationship ready. You tube thing. We ve been a relationship of putting our relationship. First is definitely a big part of how we succeed as working humans and you know a regular date. Night is king key thing. It's not regular Kay once a month. Let's make sure we get that date night in its every single week went away back in refers date. We do have a dna tonight, it's Thursday yea for date, night and its beginning. Its Rachel tell them about pouring into the vase. But, like I d like, we can't be the best versions of ourselves if we are- starting with making sure that the founding of our marriage, is super. She asked wrong why what say so a couple of thoughts on this we made it.
Six months ago, has gone to a conference which was really super powerful for our marriage. It was twenty robins, you p w if anyone's curious, I had gone to it in November buddy a little over a year ago. I really felt it was life, changing super empowering for me. So I have gone. I came back I'm on fire ready to just like take on business, family and filling so encourage, and how did you feel in response to that? like you were exposed to a. I think I want you wherever you are, what what's interesting as I Well, one out I didn't go because it was a sheet team thing, you also were nationalist, but more than anything I wasn't it said I wasn't really in a place where I was excited about growth and Rachel coming back on fire.
Air for how much more she was going to grow was it for, It was received with a. Are you crazy? What in the world are you talking about, but then actually, as she was talking about, you ought to listen to this podcast. Are you got to read this book or man? I think it would be so good for you to help you grow Hearing was you are not good. The way you are you are there's a broken this in how you operate, and you the change to be better. Not you should want to change, because you will be better because everyone who is anyone is always striving to be a better life for themselves. I totally believed the latter now at the time, as I wasn't a bit a funk and was struggling a little bit with the idea of even feeling motivated to grow. Why think rocard before you the free, carry on their that's it that's a good piece of insight. So many, people ask us when we do live stream. Scatter often its women watching and now
how do I get my husband to change and we always say if you want to change someone change yourself. If you ask, if we change yourself in your great you're, not you're, not needling bam you're, not harassing them you're, not like oh Steve. You should do this to your just over here, being your best self and striving, and whatever that person can't help but notice- and I think that's what happened with us was in the past for honest. We both had some co dependents. Ten code Didn't tendencies and in the past I may have come back from that conference. Super inspired and it would have, I would have been I recognise that a bothered you and it was the first So am, I think, in our relationship that it bothered you, but I didn't stop and the actual powerful thing that happened was. I think that, guy your attention. I hope that it was that I just I
didn't go away. Sometimes you experience something like that and in three weeks later, your over it- and I did at the moment and and go away our media got me. I took my attention but were got my attention. Most was your willingness to count to what you just said in the previous, parts of our life, instead of in the past, where there may be, would have been an impulse to not push, because we could maybe make me up sad or feel uncomfortable, whatever might be you're like I know what this is best that I know that this is best for me, and I know that this is best for you. So I'm gonna wade into a her conversation, that's about challenging you first by my actions and a challenge you by not giving into your insecurity. About my growing or my group, maybe suggesting to you that you aren't perfect. Just as you are, but that separately
You have our conversation with it. We had hard conversations as you are experiencing the fruit of change. Growth, view came and had a conversation about how I could make one of two choices Continue to be so, this fight with not growing and live the status quo kind of life and in six months or in one year or in five years, be at the same place. Then, as I am now- and Tween now, and then you would have continued to grow grub rubber grow, All that would have done is created distance ass between us, yes, and in some ways the the idea of their being distant. Between us was a motivator as much as seeing in real time the impact of your feeling fulfilled for having chased and and being you know, challenge I want to unpack there. Conversation, so we I had gone to this. I gonna this conference as filling really inspired
you are having in others the feelings that you were having and were probably nine remove from me going to the conference I was honestly feeling frustrated. And getting close to resentful is is, is the truth, but I didn't want to tell Dave. Feeling frustrated because you're not growing, because that sound so mean like. How can you just demand some one has the desire to grow or change. So Why did what is the worst thing? I think you can do in marriage or partnerships and work is say nothing. To say nothing and chew on yours that man you're really frustrated. And I just kept getting. What does does villains grow and faster, and then they ve, come out in ways. They're are not supposed to like it here. You know, you know it's like
Can you help me the mastery of why you need the master its? It comes out in a totally inappropriate way, because you're, not processing and that's hard, because it's like, I know what I would hope for from our marriage in our relationship, but also he's so much, and I don't want to hurt your feelings. And I knew that it would hurt your feelings, so am I finally just got to a place where MIKE you. This is this is super unhealthy on my part to bottle it all up. There's an old thing to be done. Clear as to be unkind, so its usual, he's for work, but it's it works in marriage. I give you are fresh. It was your partner but you're not telling them. Why and not a mean way, but in a helpful in an hour or so. Also, though, I think there's any learning to and like we're both better about it in the aftermath of confronting something that was hard. There were some tears mostly for me.
Having to kind of look in the mirror at this and in Japan, myself, even in a season where I didn't feel like pushing myself if we had Some more honest conversations at the beginning of this when it wasn't a problem that have become, because of the silence. A bigger thing it would have probably an easier for us to traverse shouted again our minds we sometimes make any at the beginning seem It is bigger than it ultimately shares, and if there is any in this it would have been half if we could just had or direct honest open converse. Nation about how our feeling it may not acted as a catalyst immediately, but at least would have taken some of the poison out of what ended up being harder. Conversation when nine months had gone by and mustard was creating a bad yeah. I think I wanna and I'm gonna say my sort of tangible thing than our love for you to offer that too, because my hope that this package is always that we are offering tangible wisdom
So I'll tell you the steps that I took to get the courage to have a conversation with Dave and would love if you could then give them a that you, after that conversation and so I would just say to as your listen asks. I know we have a predominantly female audience sky. In short, they are listening to this podcast and put it up on your instrument today. Tag me admin two Hollis tag Dave Mr Dave Hollis that you're up to and also send this to your partner. If you think that this is This wisdom is valuable or if you hear some of yourself in Conversations or your relationship in these conversations man since Europe, Today, it might be the catalyst that you need to have this hard conversation and for anyone guy wise ruins of listen to this. It's ok to feel it
it's ok to become vulnerable with your spouse. It's ok to confess to having hard times it's ok, I know to cry you're feeling emotional, it's ok and the the sooner that you can become comfortable being authentic. Vulnerable with your spouse, the sooner they can have a relationship that you are on fire for and it's not it's not easy. It's not easy in part, because society and are pair Maybe are our fathers or whatever it just haven't necessarily always giving a signal that it's ok to be those things. I promise you you take leave your spouse. Person that you are in relation with is going to lead of course, I'm so do it. So I was during all these things. I didn't want to say anything and I honestly see new
I need to have a conversation, so I started to ask myself like what is the outcome that I would hope for from this, because I think within think business or life. If you imagine the outcome or the results that you want, your better frame, the conversation. Sorry to think about the outcome. I prayed about it. A lot like Lord. Please give me the right leg. And the right words, and let me come at this from a bull place, because I A conversation like this could really easily what had been me sing it to you, or you saying it to me, can reach the easily make the other person defensive first so I tried to be very humble about it. I also uncared for Stickley. I remember I talked really slowly. And I think it was it- was such a breakthrough for us because
many times in those situations. You can become defensive. Yes, you are the greatest debater. I've ever met in my entire life you're like such a good you- David argue you to the end of the world, an I tend to shut down in those situations, cause I'd, I hate confrontation so at them, getting. I think I said something like please, please, please, like try and hear me and and fight. Urge and you were so open, even when was hard to just receiving a and processing instead of jumping to that's what it felt like to me. Yeah. I think anyone who will Anyone who's gonna have a person that they care most about in the world, tell them something that is yes, criticism of them the first, the first response,
Just human nature, wise is defends an honourable but but but yeah. If, if, though, and I think the credit that you deserve and having had this conversation in this way was, it was all approached with a with an eye to my best interest, relationships best interests. Marriage is best interest, our children's best interest. All of it was. I love you enough to have a hard conversation with you in it. Harder than in you still can trust me if you as a listener, thinking about having a conversation, it's tough for your spouse, they're gonna have to push through first, the defence of this second, there's, probably if they're gonna be totally to nine trillion minute like I was proud necessarily of some of why I'd let happen in life. You know
some of the coping mechanisms and being a little more frustrated about some of the stuff that was happening generally and life were showing up in having a little more detail then I'd like having a little less enthusiasm about some of the social stuff, that we were doing not being the best verse of a dad that- and I want to be- and when you have someone who cares about you, who can put a mere up and show you those things: hard to have to let them look at them in the lurch is a super loaded word, but you know there are some shame in having to confront not being the best version of yourself where you were trying cast what you'd hope the best outcome could be. I actually, interestingly, ended up going down a little bit of a different path, which was casting the. If I don't make change, what is my life look like if I'm right
like what at what is my like look look like if I don't take a dramatic attic step in trying to be a better version of myself and it here's the thing heads up work great. Yes, we are we're gonna, be greater because of choosing to every single day tread of you better version of ourselves and if I had just stayed in the kind of spy, that I was. I still feel like on balance and be applied, good erosion of human it wouldn't be great. It wouldn't be extraordinary, wouldn't be ass, the best version and that dear that, like I mean I've, my kids I'll ask work we'll go out. The hut, its ask any question you what kind of thing my kids are always ask what what biggest fear and they want to hear like big spider yeah. They wanna hear, like God, zealous real and I,
you have said, and they don't understand it yet not living up to my potential yeah right because who much is given much is expected it's written on the wall of our living room I know that we're on this earth to change it. I know a conversation with do even things- and we have already done and when you you are there are strong enough to come and have a conversation with me about. Having a life that actually accommodated live fully into my potential it struck such a bored, because that's the thing I fear the most and gods given me so many gifts and that I might waste them because of being in a funk and man that was so motivating that I was like a right yeah. I'm sorry for having not been the best version myself for the last. However long it's been, I want it commits a data being better. Let's do it together and end the accountability in you know each other It has been a great thing, but them
while the model that Vienna Rachel was during the time leading up to the conversation was also great because it was so easy to see the impact of reaching for better and the impact that that was happy and of the impact of reaching for better, was having this extraordinary effect on just to you. And your outlook and your optimism and your drive who do and be more for the tribe and drive and to do more for the people it Sheikh. So I don't work and air part of it too? Is the count ability you that can exist within an within a healthy relations, So I remember that when I told you all that stuff- night. When we had that conversation. I remember that your first instinct was it was. It was painful for you that we would even have to have the conversation. And. I reminded you about Conversations we had over the course of our marriage, where you
to confront me with some truth, sour really hard. I a few years- and this is actually in the book or wash your face comes out in February, but am now was a shameless. Like and I don't care I applaud and grow wash your face is going to change the lives of every single person. Who looks at your welcome your welcome by I had em. Few years when our kids reactor, where I was a workaholic and and not in a flip away like an I actually work until to make us sick, don't show up your family. Don't shout for your marriage and we had had. You had had to confront me with those trees that were very hard for me. To swallow as a young man like hey your, showing up for your kids in the way that you would want to because it's easier to be at work than it is to be here and I conversation, was devastating to me by it. Helped me a better version. It help it held a mere up to me. So,
so I was able to that night remind you like babe. I know this is hard, but remember how many times you've done this for me, and I think that that's what I have ok, I just, although know it was a massive help, because it In that moment, I felt like had failed in some ways and what you realize is everyone fails in some ways that there are times when it is especially give a healthy relationship, they're gonna, be times when one person is pulling the other one up the ladder and then there's gonna be another time when that other person is pulling the purse up the ladder up the battle, balance and life balance in a marriage, it's a little bit of an illusion right, there's all there are always going to be times in this work life conversation where work takes a priority to your personal life and where times where your personal life can take a priority to work, seemed in terms of whose pulling or leading or modeling or inspiring
you. You want to be in a place where pay. If I have a season where it's not ideal, I can depend on the person. I'm went to help get me through it and vice versa. Her Rachel bringing that path was a huge in the midst of feeling. You know. You have used the feeling the feelings of having to look in the mirror, like oh yeah. Look, I'm not alone in this marriage for having had a time when I needed to have some ass, something. What's that Sadly we have. This conversation is really good and, We decide to go to you PETE Abu, together, you PETE over, you is Tony Robins conference unleashed the power within it was a conference. I had gone to nine months before and really loved, and that was kind of this solution in our minds was like. Why don't you come and see, and I think that you maybe walked into that weekend nervous walked into that weaken skeptical. More than anything because
it just seemed crazy. I did you guys, look opinion footage it's here's a link. It seemed crazy and in a weird, way and not enough, this is like a masculinity thing or something, but like the idea of needing to go to somebody to help you be a better version of you meant that you couldn't be the better version on your butt also, I think I just him? It was any mode. Oh yeah, no urged that generally out, just the self help space. Janusz generally was a little bit of an affront to what had for me in life. I caution just so much blessing for having always Things kind of. Go my way, funding to be honest and the idea that I now needed help not from my wife, but from a giant, haven't seen it seemed, but the back end of that conversation
committed to going one percent even though I didn't want to even now I go out and that's why we say right a sort of rice. All we ask but you go all and it's a drizzling as a leader I sit in rooms where we're doing not trustful. But each hour kinds of things where its leadership will, you know like muck, module or some kind of mental, thing and I always will say you will get out of this. What you put into it. You get out of this. What you put into it, give your all. You will get so much, and here I just honestly I didn't you like that, was The thing I wanted to do, but on the back and this it was like look, if I'm going to try and really reach for better then I got a triangle Alan. I was. Just blown away by how power four. Going to something that was about personal growth ended up being when I gave as much as I did. I mean it was kind of like going to fair
For sir already hours, which, by the way I'm a huge fan of therapy, if anyone is listening and doesn't yet go to or have someone they speak to manage, we can talk about that separate la erika yeah there he's an awesome thing, especially for you guys who think therapy isn't for guys therapy go get money. Guarantee for me? No, no, not really well, and so we we went to his conference. It was incredible for the both of us, but what came out of it was And we had always, you know we had a date, nine we always committed to great marriage and where best friends and all those things, but we left that conference and we were like, don't want a good marriage, we don't even want to great marriage. We want an exceptional marriage and how Could we live our lives in order to have an exceptional marriage and I'll tell you you just this even asking that question than shifts things in your life, so I make every single day. I right. I've talked about
before, but every single day I write like my fifteen goals, my current goals for my life and there big and grandiose in crazy- and I write them as if they ve already happens and one the goals that I write every single day is- I am an exceptional mom and the next one. Is, I M an exceptional. Why and often when I'm writing that, then I will ask my question: what could it right now to make this true. So like when you get a text that is in the middle of the day? That's telling you how sexy you are. How much I love you. How much! I appreciate something. It's usually because I'm just written that sense- and I am asking myself had ok all this up with action and in my gulls part of it is the language that amusing and the goal setting its present tense. Mind hack, if you well, you know I'm In sick physical shape, you know, hey, I
my brain thinks that, because I say it over and over its part of what motivates me to be in the gym five or six days a week, you don't, but I want to get in shape that creates black. Gains in your mind. You say I m in shape in your minds- are ok, I get at the truth. Are I'll figure out how to get you there and so the language in our marriages, I pursue my wife and pursue word trigger then, for what am I doing to actually pursue my wife? If it's about our dates or as if it's about the text in the daytime or that a quick found collar whatever might be. If, if I say that every morning, if I write that down every morning- and I don't act on it- well, what What's what good is it, so it actually access a bit of a trigger and is part of again this pursuit of an exceptional marriage. So. To wrap up this little section soon off on a pretty hard tangent here. How do you change someone else? How do you Change your marriage changes only change yourself. That's right. I thought
Ok back on this guy can wrap this up. One thing we haven't talked about for adding we're both pretty passion about this idea both work like how're, we successful in this space. Dunbar, any a gram, and we sound like crazy people who sent us unless your listening. Anybody done your any a gram in which case you're like oh, I don't know a single person whose done any grand test and has a man like wholly crap so little, if you dont know what it is in, an e agee are a m in. Graham you can google like free any ram test its equation. It's like twelve minutes long device. Its personality types out by nine numbers. This has been around since, like ancient Greece, it's really really old. Look it up. Ancient Greece! Look it up, while the Olympics YAP, can look it up
around forever and each personality type is divided by number and when you do your test and you read what your number is you're its will startle you your life holy crap, I didn't. I thought that stuff. I thought I was this way because of my family of origin, but I didn't. The other people had similar family. The origin? So we had done any a gram number and then this is the key there's a thing you can see how your any room number works and doesn't work with your partner, and it was like reading. The diary of our marriage is so crazy here. So I do think that something that has been really helpful is. Reading about your partner in that way, so I'm a three. I met a three isn't achiever and nobody is surprised by this. If you know me, Davis which is the peacekeeper. So he wants everyone to be everyone to be ok. We're all get word. Do whatever is possible, make everybody ok leads to workers,
well together, but then there can so be pretty strong resentment that bruise between three and nine, because it three in achieving needs. Your attention. And a nine can start to resent how much it and the three needs all of the time the three perceived as you all love me anymore, nine like, I just want five minutes and we ve my gosh used in this pop up intermarriage over and over and over. So has been really helpful understanding why. Just given us some tools. Like. Oh ok, I see what's happening here. I think this is a really for like working couples. I think this is just for any relationship. I have to really fight an instinct to keep the things that I'm thinking side, like so for France, and that our conversation that we had about making change my instinct is low
get down shove. It down. Don't talk about this, don't say anything, don't you know, because I don't want a non confrontational Ryan every single time that I just will force myself have a conversation, even if we go through some, so arguments are some whatever to get to the other side of that it always comes out better, and might by the way I it's the same thing on my side, because my instinct apiece keeper is to tell to what she wants to hear her, which, when it isn't, I actually feel creates the that meant inside of me and again everytime. I push against and say, hey this is how I actually feel it's a short term kerfuffle short term a kafkaesque. If I follow where its it creates a short term, moment of you know, maybe making our feel something that is about life in yeah
why why, by its again we better in the long run because its it's a game of these things where they can start as a very small thing and then three months was buying and she asked me where the hangers on, unlike hangers. Well, I think I'm from me, I don't ever actually out now for me and I mad, but I'm mad, because my feelings are hurt and it is just seen mad, and I don't want to tell you why my feelings are heard, because that feels like very vulnerable to say like well. It felt like this a recent conversation. I think that you know minded time, and this is so dumb and I can see how damages in retrospect, but at the time it really hurt my feelings, feeble listening. This arduous can be like you, our princess any to go hide somewhere,
So we had a baby sitter on a Sunday afternoon and I was really I don't have a babysitter. I wanted to go back. Let's go to coffee. Our lives will be launched. Let's go get whatever and so I have sent a Dave, I I'm gonna go, get coffee your lunch or whatever, and he hesitated and music, can week he's watching football and whose organizing this cause, I was like a big projects like all this have pulled out of the closet whatever and He hasn't areas like what could we I mean I'm watching like whatever and like you just. I could tell you didn't want to go, get coffee with me and, as a human being, of course, like you, are just allowed to dress Wanna watch football and, like organizer closer or whatever it seems insane to say, like it felt like massive rejection to me because I want to go, get coffee
at any moment at any time through cotton, we, like you, want to go out with me and talk for nine hours. Is such a woman thing by the way I'm in so we need, hesitated and then he was like now go I'll go, but I knew it was what he really wanted. It really really hurt my feelings and it sounds silly but we'll have triggers and a trigger for me is like nobody wants to nobody left. Nobody wants coffee. You I've got you and me like. No, he doesn't want you you're my person you're my best friend, and it was like oh here just what it was a spiral right. I manifest that with anger like I manifest that with like fine Look at my own coffee, Burma south I'll, enjoy edge, opening ever running stay there she put on her headphones. She went to the Rose Bush and she ran. I ran will arouse like I got me
Play entire closet is on the ground. I have a computer up with my fantasy football. I have a tv playing. This is a day that I was planning dang it but of course as an argument that happened in retrospect- but that is my own insecurity bleeding through and instead of just saying, I'm even today it seems so silly to say that as an argument that happened in retrospect that is my own insecurity bleeding for it, and instead of just saying, I'm even together. Fourteen years, I'm just saying hey I just want to hang out with you and like the response from my feeling, so that they could be like we'll dude. I was doing. This is not about now want to hang out with you just in the middle of something I just very nice and tight and the whatever and then it became a whole thing, we undertake work through announced crying and it took a few days.
For me to get over, and I was my thing to get over. It wasn't yours, but it took a few days for meat alike decide that you do actually love me what's interesting, the backers of this describing a marriage around, but this is coming out of the conversation about any room. So if you now that the three Has these thing s as a nine? Yes, before year, nine peacekeeping so comes into trying to fix it and then resents having to complete redo their day to make them the three of you better. You can take a step, I can say this is a part of the fund. Russia, through this person, is it The bottom line is the more that you can understand why you are the way you are why your spouse is the way they are or friend, our your boss, younger. Whoever might be the more likely that you are going to be able to show up in a way that
knowledge is how they are in a way that best creates a connection that it keeps you who you are acknowledged who they are not knowing who they are, how they are whether wired you're gonna do right some of the time, but man you're gonna, stumble out more than you necessarily need to subdue the test and understand how your handshake, you know, can work back because man, once you do it really So what are we said? We sad I'm getting help asking for help super important, being on the same level, in terms of who does why or or having really clear conversations about, dividing in conquering too that you're, both contributing in different ways, it is super unhealthy for fair relationship for one partner to be carrying more of the weight than the other. I don't. I don't care if you know you're if your wife or your husband is drowning either. What would typically avenant generals as like your wife
drowning with the weight of carrying all that's at home or your husband is drowning under having too provide be the only provider for the family if one partners drowning, it's gonna, think the whole ship is not healthy, so being on the same level. Community, getting a lot, keeping that calendar handy and ready and and talking to each other, all the time being. Really intentional. Having a great relationship having night having sex there. We said it were big big proponents of having sex with each other. What would you say pretty? We can't, I know why you still want to mess with ideas and China if it's not any agreements, the disk task or brought Myers Briggs or whatever budgets. China understand where your partner is coming from you, years ago. I heard this saying in the past or set it at a wedding and I've always loved it. He said grace
giving someone the opposite of what they deserve and think that that is so real and marriage. There are so many opportunities to give someone opposite of what they deserve. In that moment like as a human unilaterally your closet, but as it is partner, you could go haywire. Change my language here, a little bit, it'll speak. To that insecurity that she has an eloquent Something that I want to do, I don't have to give her yes, but I'm going to, because I want her grace and I want to live on her and take care of her. So those are tips of anything else. I mean we liked. I suggest scratch the surface of the very first sentence, this episode of folks and what it means to have work life balance The illusion of balance is the thing I think We have to also maybe just spend two seconds on, because I get the question.
How do you do it all you're, an executive and you are really available to your family and you have date nights every week and on and on and on and on and the? idea that I guess I did talk about this in the past from last year. But the idea Balance is even a thing like as in haste, Fifty fifty is not real. The. The times when things get more hectic at work mean that you, it will just come at the x any of your availability and home and the time when work can accommodate you're gonna be more available at the house with your wife with two kids, but you have to create some carve out absolute. Can't compromise a kind of space I mean you're out of the country. Ok, you can't get a date Maria that day, but At worst show consistent about date night, we are so consistent about how our kids are dropped off from school or how dissipating being there for sports, whatever that might be make a list.
The things that are absolutely can't touch them give yourself the grace of knowing that when things get hectic and busy, you will not as a family, to sit around the dinner table every single night, and that is o k and when the times at work I'll afford it. Man take off, Five year for thirty, whatever it high technology, affords yes, so many opportunities hasn t a work. From the how yeah just get home and have some extra time if you're you know schedule is something that can accommodate there's no such thing as robot. Why also the older than I get the more? I believe that if you thought, out of balance with work and life, it's because are happy in one or both of the areas. So work work, life and spells out of balance and don't think a job, I'm freaking, love what I do I mean we we bought
if our really happy and our careers away like wings You we're both really happy and our careers and the things that we get to pursue in the work that we get to do so now. Feels out of bed what's to me, because I love being at home- and I of being here Doesn't and they they into into each other all time the kids will come by the office or I will in fact we got two kids in bed last night I was working on a marketing plan for the book like it just in all fields, Fine at all, I'm great I'm so grateful I'm so blast. I live in a state of gratitude. It doesn't feel unbalanced. It feels like Can I even the handle all these good things, because that's what I'm looking for you. So I feel like, if you're feeling on balancing you to have a conversation with yourself and I in the career. And we need to get my home in order to introduce himself to help me get support in this space or are.
These things actually gray- and I just need to be starting my day and living my day in a space of gratitude for months. In the point you about what you're the best you honey. I love you. I love you more thanks for chat with me and for good bye We will be back with another episode next week in the meantime, if you have a moment and You can write a review or subscribed to the podcast that is life to those of us who work so hard to produce every single episode for more information. You can check out days, podcast, dot, com or stock me on every form of social media. I am Miss Rachel Hollis on every single platform. Today's Itunes Review is from Jeanette four thousand one hundred and three one hundred we need the will name but golly, let's included
I'm a huge, huge podcast van, and this one makes me so happy one more thing to look forward to other than your morning. Facebook live chat, hey Jeanette! Thank you so much for the review and guys, if you want to be the review of the weak, make sure you had over two I tunes and tell everyone what you think, unless you think discard cast his terrible, in which case keep that to yourself so our producer, Allison Cohen, are sound engineer, Jack, no bold and are sound, editor Andrew well. Most importantly, I hope you heard something today that inspires you I'll see you next week. Ladies and gentlemen, did I mention I have a book coming out: here's the thing it's called get out of your own way: a skeptics guide to growth and fulfillment and we're in the pre sale window of windows. I am super excited about having written a book for both men and women about
twenty lies that I once believe that were keeping me in my own way. I have written this from the perspective of someone that totally different from Rachel Hollis. Even if the format is somewhat similar to grow wash your face, I wrote it from the perspective of someone who's been skeptical of tools like this book or even the pot Castro listening to for ever and ever its through. That lends that I'm talking about the ways that I was getting in my own way and I think in uncovering the truth behind those lies, and not only did it, help me get out of my own way to help you get out of Europe. There are two ways I want to say. Thank you for preparing this book. I have created an e course penny course. Yes and e course, a sixty minutes each course called finding your why it's a fantastic resource, it's available, absolutely
For free right now for having pre order the book and if you go to get out of your own way the book dot com right now and follow the prompts not only get to eat course, you can hear the first thirty minutes of the book again. Get out of your own way comes out March. Tenth, I'm super super excited about it, get out of your own way. The book dot com hit that link follow the problems, and I appreciate your support.
Transcript generated on 2020-02-16.