Ok, I am I'm going try this an idea, no, how it's gonna go, but I'm gonna try I feel like I want to. accord a pod cast about this topic and about what I have been going through, but I also feel like. I don't want to record it and many twenty two I don't wanna like bring it entered, Twenty two sign recording this at the end of It's the middle of december- and I know that I am I'm sitting on the floor.

I know it's weird video and I'm not recording this at home, so I know that it's weird audio, but I am hoping that it'll work, and it can go anywhere in the world. So I guess I want to record this because I haven't heard. Very many women talk about it and honestly and go through it. I don't even. have any friends to call and talk to who have been through it, and so this, I'd CAS is for those who who have gone to it were maybe are going through it and so don't have anybody to process it with. so.

And four months ago now, not five months, for maybe I found out, I was pregnant, And I was shocked, shocked, wasn't trying to get pregnant. I didn't plan on Having more children my boyfriend tearfully didn't plan on having a baby. We were not having unprotected sex. I know that's tee my, but where condoms. I don't know this day. I don't know how it happened. We don't know what happened, but I've in pregnant three times. So I knew almost immediately, my body started to I boobs gap,

egg and sore and though was a sick man, I'm really bloated, and then I was late and am I was pregnant. And it was so startling and it was so shocking. and. Ay Through, like every emotion at first day, but also. Really quickly. Just felt like a baby Gift- and even I wasn't planning for this- I felt like the universe was giving me a gift and so really quickly I felt excited. I didn't know how in the world like, I was gonna pull this off.

no room for a baby my already have four kids, my boy, has a job. That means that he's gone all the time for long periods of time and so's. I go about Della, raise a baby by myself in. But even in a like, even and all about fear, I was like I never thought I'd get do this again, and so I felt sorry guys, I felt really excited and it was a really hard because, like nobody, elsewhere and my friends or illegal gear me like I, there were like all my God: five kids are you ok and is everybody was like so shocked and it fell I was, the only one who is like see, positive in it over the months like everybody

got excited to end is good So I went for my eight. We culture, sound and dumb saw the heartbeat and Like it was Norman sort of routine and My boyfriend couldn't go to first appointment. Because he was really really sick and there's the call. These rules obviously can't go around a bunch. Pregnant women and an overview ends office when you're sick. So he stayed home, but we went back to his later so that here They ll be there and see it you're not familiar when you have an altar sounds like in that first trimester they put. wand. Inside of you, not Bela inside of you cause the baby, so small that can really,

see it any other way. So it's really, you know you're like their turn you into like a popsicle, it's not q and it's really awkward. He was so excited because he doesn't have. Children, and this is the first time you is gonna, see our baby dome, like. I knew something was wrong because you normally when they do an ultrasound like we could be immediately turn the screen so that you could see in the doctor didn't turn the screen she's like a look at it. And then she asked the nourishes echo. Can you turn the lights off? Second see better was weird because I've never had a doctor say that not resign before and then. Finally, she was like Rachel like

the baby the same size that it was when you re last. It has grown. and I do not understand what that met- well, maybe it's like little, then she turned the screen. I was able, whereas there are be she's There is one so my baby died, but my body didn't know I just kept being pregnant. We're like weeks And I just like I'm sitting there like with A wand inside of me.

Nebraska us what's happening aunt em, We drove home from the doktor just like totally in shock. Because now it's not just that You lost your baby. It's also that your body is still pregnant, like my body didn't have a miscarriage like it. I should have, and so now I had to figure out what to do And there are two options at that point. They said we can't let you. We can't let your body just like naturally do it, because the baby has been gone for so long.

That you run a really high risk of infection? No, they said they can either you could go in and they could do a procedure where they remove it or you could take medicine that would make you must carry on and the scary part about. Doing it at home. Is that if it doesn't work or doesn't work all the way you might still have to have them, seizure in the office which fell like off and so at first I thought. Well, I'm just gonna have. the day and see cousin we then its outer hot, like it at the doktor and I walked, to go through things twice, but they couldn't.

Get me and until the next week- and I just I just couldn't wait that long- Like knowing that judges who was so horrible and the part. That and the reason I want to talk about this is. My body was still totally pregnant, like I, Looked three months pregnant. I look like a woman who was three months pregnant with her fourth child, meaning I had a Oh I'm belly Ike already hiding my belly. when I was out in public or when I was doing videos for you guys, like I had a belly. My boobs are huge. I was nauseous, I was fully pregnant, a baby wasn't alive Anna

was it was such a mind fuck it was so brutal. every time I look in the mirror. I would see my pregnant body. And so I made the decision to do at home and oh, I get a doctor, Called it a prescription, and I went to pick it up and of soul. bless her so awkward. The pharmacist recognized me and was like all my god I love your podcast day. You know she was so sweet and I was like thank you. This, like horrible situation. She doesn't know Joe

gushing and you so kind, and then she looked down at the prescription. She was like an like everything about changed again. So I got the prescription. Was it eighty be? Which is the local grocery store in Texas, and I like water on that store for our shopping so don't wanna go home then I remembered the doktor like whatever you need, like you, get eating bad like tried, watch movies or something you take your mind off of it as it takes several days and said what every what you want everyone to drink, like anything that'll give you comfort member walking the ILO

the grocery store, like I could have why now I'm trying the girl like, oh what wine. I buy for my miscarriage. However, the Soviet Bloc, they went back home in I was so I remember like buying the medicine. I will never forget the menace. Was fifteen dollars and thirty four cents, fifteen dollars and thirty four. And that's how much it costs to ones. Then I went all men During the day it was a Friday and my sweet. Oh my god, my boyfriend is the most amazing. Human on planet was

I mean it, I had no idea. Obviously what to do. in that situation, but am was like. What do you want to eat on may keep anything, and I was like comfort food and he spent all day. by making the most amazing was on yeah I've ever Had in my life Michael Zonia, garlic, bread and deserted him, but. While he was cooking I was lying on a heating, bad waiting for my miscarriage to start, and I took the medicine and about three hours later I started cramping and I can't

an hour after that I started bleeding. And by dinner time. I was, I was cramping so bad. I could barely sit at the table, but the kids were there They always say, didn't know what was going on, and so I just told him I was sick, and so I so with them for a minute, but I couldn't I consider the table and I had to go back to bed and then I took oh, they have given me a pain pill, so I took a really strong pain pill and I just sorry bled a lot a lot a lot for days and I just had these big giant pads like the crew Yes, even though they made Patsy s bag, I shall we

those four days and bleed and armor that the first night. I'm wearing a pad like a diaper. Basically- and felt feeling very disconnected from my boss Eddie. Unlike what was happening, I could not. I couldn't. process, what was happening, and I remember I'm lying on a heating bad, I was dying Pat on like bleeding and. I was laughing at one point because you know you ve only been together ten months. Like still, Wanna be like sexy or like mysterious or and here I am like this man- is

holding me literally holding me for nine hours. Why. so I bled a lot and I am I am, I'm anemic always have been, and I really love pressure so leading not much makes me feel very weak, like it's hard for me to even. Move or get up or do anything and it got like my mother, fresh about really low icon of guys no blood pressure, but like higher number, was like eighty and normally you should be one Twenty I'm, so it's just really was really struggling to feel G and it was Rudolph the and stay with Saturday and the kids her home from school and.

They know I'm sick, but also their kids and there's just life and stuff You and so. We're trying to make Saturday as normal as possible, but also were both conscious that we ve lost our baby. We can even really press that yet still bleeding and I still look pregnant and. It. Just was horrible was horrible, it's been, I guess it's been a couple weeks in a couple weeks, maybe been a week and a half. I don't. I don't know how long it's been and I'm still bleeding.

And I still feel I don't have all my normal energy nowhere close and- Originally we were coming to Hawaii, we spend Hawaii, we spend Christmas in Hawaii, we have last several years. I do with the kids and we were supposed to come on Saturday but there with their debt. this week and so. My boyfriend and I decided to come early and so glad that we did, because I Really needed to process here, I didn't need the here- but a user process somewhere- that my kids were around and being here.

Allow me to grieve, and I have cried more and the last week. I've tried more about this than I have ever cried in my life, because I don't, I don't understand. I don't understand why. we'll, be shocked with this surprise,. And then get excited about it and then lose. I don't. I can't read my mind around why and it's really my body still looks not like my body,

and when I first got whenever sky realized every time I looked in the mirror That's so angry Time he saw my belly, I got so angry and so at for right. Now. I'm just told myself, like I can't look at my body in the mirror. I don't know how to look at it and not feel angry, and I. can acknowledge my body that did what it was. Supposed to do like it kept the baby safe, any stayed pregnant and it did, but just something didn't work wasn't meant to be an eye.

The babies everywhere, and I see you like baby clothes and different things out the flea market or target or whatever, and I feel really like talking to friends or whatever they're like you know, you had a miscarriage or talking about it. I thought about that for a long time, and I'm like, I didn't, have a miscarriage, and I thought about that for a long time and I'm like

I didn't have a miscarriage, my baby died and then I had to take matters and to make that come out. I don't know why, and I have felt angry and sad and loss and fear and grief and felt at all. Then I still don't know why thought maybe I would wait to talk about this until I had clarity for you, you know cause, so much of my work is about

Oh, I had I lived through this thing and then here's what I learned or here's my clarity and I can accept that. I don't know if I ever have clarity on why. I know that it brought our relationship closer because you You see someone's true colors when you're going through something so awful, and I cannot imagine I data kept thinking that first night, you know he just was like holding me and holding my hands and I was Going so much- and I know there are women who go through this totally by themselves. I wanted to make a part gas for anybody who needed to process

I wanted to make a podcast for anybody, whether its now or in the future. If Know someone who is going through this? Maybe they need to talk about it. maybe they need another hug. I remember an acquaintance telling years ago she was going to write and she was held me like she's, like I just might When things I should- He doesn't understand why I'm still sad, he doesn't understand. Why can't get over it. It's been two months, and why am I still so upset? And she said because when I got pray I saw the You too, I saw the whole like this babies, whole life and it's gone. And man, if you are going through that and you need to grieve, I think you grieve for I fucking long. You need to.

And if you know someone who's going through this carer hug ask her how she is set with her. She needs to cry it. Some really. brutal, and I am also hyper aware that I am going to experience having had children and no that there are so many of you who go through this experience who have had children and are you want as a baby,

And this has to be one thousand times worse for you, so I dont have a resolution. I dont clarity. I don't know why. But if you're going through this right now, I just wanted you to know. They are not alone.