And whenever I'm travelling gate attendance are the do check your luggage there always like. I want to play guitar and I go. Please do I was like I picked it up at thirty five. I can't believe how good I got in two years and I'm not naturally got it at my fingers are like stiff. I I'm not a not. No one would ever been like your natural, but just do it because I always so. This was and up to people who are like I wanted to in a just. Do it because You once you get started, you'll regret that you didn't do it sooner and you just have to get past the uncomfortable eighty of looking stupid it, so much of life we miss out on things, because we don't want to look stupid, but just like once it's over it's over and you're alive, and you got ok. I got made fun of on howard stern because in the song is still out there for people to mock. Let Ok, literally, nothing changed my parents to love me, my friends to love me like I survive. It didn't kill me.

Hi, I'm rachel Hollis, and this is my podcast. I I spend so many hours of every single week, reading and listening to podcast and watching youtube videos and trying to find out as much as I can about the world around me and that's what we do on this show. We talk about everything life and how to be an entrepreneur. What happened dinosaurs? What's the best recipe for fried chicken? What's the best plan, four intermittent fasting. What's going on with our inner child house therapy working out for whatever it is, my guests are into. I want to unpack it so that we can all understand these our conversations. This is information for the curious. This is the rachel Hollis I guess this is a fun fact. I'm not sure you know about your own city. Have you

you ever been to be four seasons, not the limits that its eye downtown. It's like a little bit outside. and they do live music and dancing. No, I mean I've been to the four seasons that I know you're talking about right for dinner once, but I didn't know they just live dancing in and music. No, that's incredible. I stated that hotel and its it looks like we're everybody would get married. like if you worse yet border, raises louis measure on the outskirts. You would like get married in that bosnia and on four I d and saturday night. I I swear to god. This is so much core than its about. sound on friday and saturday lights. There is a cover band made up of people who are at least fifty plus and you're thinking,

but is that going to do you know why cause they are here, for it did you all covers, and people from all of us it is packed nicky like em, everybody comes to thing on the weekend. Its kids is older people, it's the best people watching ever. I was there with my teenage sons and we had the most fun like. I would oh for this experience in Austin tells I gotta do this? Well, I'm surprised know about it because my dad is actually in a band that plays all over saint louis and he does covers so he's a book. This guy I had no idea he I need links to book. You played in urging homes alike to perform for like old people who does like bars and fun. Like you know, he doesn't because grow restores like he's all over the place, the really good, but I gotta get em this four seasons. I mean this salary sledge look in iowa had likewise I would have

ever gone as I you know, I go into a hotel at I just like pass our order room service. I don't do anything as your time rain road ever who do thing yes and that night or when I'm checking in the present the front desk was like if you ve got the energy you gotta come to the lobby bar and I was talking about, so I did it only because I was close my period and I wanted gooey butter cake. So I ate my hu we butter cake while walking is banned. It was so fantastic that it brought my kid the next night we dance like it seriously. I I would love for you to do that this weekend. It sounds amazing I like and using gooey butter cake. I just listen cheer episode about emotional eating because I was looking before it did. This is I I gotta like see what she's all about, because I obviously have been familiar with you, but haven't done like a deep dive and haven't listen to the progress before I apologise, but I am too was sold because your

bestowed on emotional eating as like, so up my alley if some, if some one by any chance hasn't heard it on that is listening now like just, I just send it to like all of my friends, because it's just exactly what I've kind of learned in the past couple years about eating as well of you know, no bad foods and just like it, We just always eat when you're hungry you, like won't bench, and I just never believed that, and so I just love you preaching that, because it's hard for people to wrap their heads around because of certainly, I didn't want to believe. I just thought that if you ate normally and like you ate when we're hungry that the binges would still happen, because all I knew was binges. All I knew was over eating because when everytime I ate I would be starving, but It didn't know I was starving because that's all I knew was being hungry and that's what I thought, whereas I book famine, almost you know I I read like her

alphabet and then I was like I get it. That's what I do with self help books. I read like a third of them and I go okay. I get the gist that I could that I live my life destructively within like a month after feeling, emboldened, but know that what really stuck I I actually got into you know I did like twelve step stuff around eating and arrived at the same conclusions, and that book was talked about in the rooms where I met other women struggling with the same stuff. this myself, so that book was in line with everything I was already kind of hearing about and not believing- and I just you think you know better, you think you think you're the exception like just thought. You know yeah. I know that there are women out there that can eat three meals a day plus snacks and had the gooey butter cake. But it's not me I know that there are people that can eat normally and looks at it. Look the way I want to the way I want my body to look with whether that's thin or not, and it turns out I'm not special. It turns out I'm like everyone else and that my body kind of like you, where I've just at the part of the podcast where you're talking about

how you know in your even reluctant to say it like my body, looks great, like I look great and like it, because it must to be about that. But, let's be honest, it is about that we live in an image obsess culture. We are all on diet to try to look a certain way and the truth is like yeah. As once, I stopped punishing myself with exercise and food and starving my body just found its natural place in its natural place, happens to be the place. I was trying to get the whole damn time. Why isn't that? While, where do you feel like that came from for you, which meaning what came meaning like I have to get to this certain aesthetic and the only way to get. There is the narrative that I was sold, like as a team you're a little girl coming into hollywood like where did that come from? I think it came from I always had a normal relationship with food in middle school high school. like I got anorexia my senior year of high school, but I

gained a little bit of wait when I stop doing sports, and just oh, was over reading. My emotions were out of control didn't know how to handle them, and I start over I gain weight and I never. I guess I just always it from that moment on. I just anna see, see a worked so well for so well that I was in the hospital within like two months. It's starting it that always occur it always just to me like that's what I'm good at and it works like you do lose weight, but what you don't know is that you may be months years whatever later it the pendulum woods will swing the other way and as soon as you, let yourself go you'll. Let yourself co big time and then I would I yo for so many years and was always I can just every part of my life, I can trace too. Like any picture, I see it's like. What were you? How are you abusing yourself with food or with exercise at that point? Like every day,

I want to, and when I was thin I wasn't even happy because I had to run five miles a day and if I didn't run five miles a day, I would be mad at myself and then I would have to like starve that night and like there was a lot of misery in it, and I think that you know you just get this message that, like being but being the ideal body weight that you wanna be. Are the big deal body into it, takes work and if work equals pain If you're not I mean I have, that idea. For my whole life I can't really ever celebrate my accomplishments in terms of things that come easy to me. Like podcasting comes easy to me, so it doesn't philip work. I'm like it's just a conversation. I can't count. This has worked I am just meeting someone new having a conversation, and so it's hard for me at the end of the day, aid to go. I had a really long day of work. It does people like will look at yours.

Will you at this interview in this pact, and I go, but it's all just me talking. So it's hard for me to equate things that come easy to me as like the right thing to do everything that, I anything to say, elaborate whether it's the size of my body or my accomplishments. There has to be like blood, sweat and tears on the way to it or it doesn't count. Was that learn behaviour? Do you think that you said that reminds me my mom, who had less tools and resources from her family origin than I did. She used always say: beauty, equals pain, beauty, equals pain and she meant it. And I as a little girl growing up in the eighties, couldn't really contemplated how fucked up that is. the idea of ever telling my daughter, whose five that, in order for her to be beautiful, she must be in pain is wild hits held, and we all like you know nothing taste is good, is

Guinea feel those kind of yeah the messaging I mean even this whose we wear like life, but my feet are have developed into the shape of a stiletto shoe. I have severe bunyan pain because of trying to you look good in it and it does look good night. I feel pain like even, but there is something about pain that actually does feel good. I get off on pain. I get off on being a survivor and making it through like if there's a work like now when I work out, I have a healthy relationship with working out, but there are those times were like it hurt so bad. I want to stop so bad and then you just push through not to a point where you get a break, something or get a stress fracture like I used to, but there's a there's, a sense of accomplishment when things get hard, so I think that we're just the american spirit of like you, gotta always be worse. Things have to be paid.

Bolted then enjoy the fruits of your labor. You can't have dessert without suffering. First, without doing a spin class like how dare you there always has to be, I mean my my friend used to say to me: she goes my old roommate. She goes you're. The only person that ever I've ever heard say I don't deserve a nap today like I'd, be like. I need an app so bad, but I don't deserve it yet and she was like there's constantly like this. You don't deserve that grind. So I think it's like you know it's a self loathing of the makeup companies and diet company like everyone benefits from making women feel bad about themselves. I mean I pick them. Artistry is all about men like insult women, and they'll like you more like kids, like that, it's it's it's a pretty. You know full proof formula to get what to do to market things is to make people feel bad about themselves. So it's no wonder that we ve sponged at prime, but,

a constant struggle. I just I mean I even had a hard time this morning of lake just feeling a little bit larger than I want to whether it's my perception with whom something's off this morning and its generally has to do with. Like my mental state, like I didn't get enough sleep, I got too much sleep. I my hormones or something because my body, it really is none of my fucking business. I mean that's really what I've kind of have to keep going back to his like. I don't really have control of it. It's none of my business, like your by I dont, like certain. but no it's none of my that's another thing I picked up and twelve step is that your body on your business, like its gods, business like leave it and I'm not a legs and got a surly. I believe, and just like things being out of my control, where it's like it's gonna, be what it wants to be stop trying to control it like. I think control is a big thing

me and so today, to get out of that, even though I didn't want to, but always works for me is just saying over, over in my head or out loud. I did it kind of out loud. Is I approve of myself. I approve of myself. I approve of myself. I approve but like as I'm putting lotion on my legs that I just you know, insulted myself about I'm like I approve of myself, I and then five minutes of doing that, like a crazy person, just watering that myself over and over It kind of worked out one from Louise hey. I love. I pull up her times when the ailing sad, because if you approve of yourself you could be anything she the grand money that we all need to like red us and she does every night. For me, you just like twelve things that I have to unpack with you, because by mine does like blowing, and I are we just like- let's dig into these of, if you're willing this, dia of your boy.

He being none of your business. I have not been in the programme that your end- and I am here for anything that helps you to come to terms with all that to feel better to heel to move through it. I one I'm just curious, because I've spent the last three years trying to be connected to my body for the first time, and I only got there because I had a wild hormone imbalance that made me a lunatic and it took a lot doctors are a lot of work and a lot of therapy to get to the place where I like really in tune with my body. I'm just curious. If does that make, you feel disconnected the idea that, like oh, this is happening in,

my business or its more. I will allow this to be whatever it is because of the respect I have for my body. You know I get how it could be, maybe not the best messaging. For me, it helps because I'm just tired of being in thinking I'm in control of everything it. I guess it's for me, I'd I'd! Think of it as much as like it's as much. My business as like my boyfriend's body is my best like, I wish I could make him healthy and like get him to do the rate stretches whatever he needs. I just gotta. Let go and things aren't my fault and I you know I fucked up, and I I just I have such a it's so much easier to just go like ok. You know what my legs look a little chunky today, these panzer tight and I don't want them to be tight. This isn't my fall. Yes, I ate too much extra day. Yes, I didn't work out. Yes, I could have gone to the gym when I but if I could have gone to the gym, I would if I did. I obviously could it. There was something in me that couldn't do it, so it's not me

it's not like I'm a lazy person. I used to blake put so much on all my choices of like you're piece of shit, you're lazy, your you're, not as good as going paltrow, whoever comparing myself like there's so much work discipline the new, but it's gonna tell you just gotta, more discipline brain when she was born than me like that's just what she also got different bone structure like in anything. I it. really do feel like wow, I I have a high times celebrating my accomplishments? It's not taking anything from me but like when people are like you so hard or you're so funny, I'm just like. I was just born with a brain. That's funny I had enough, like I don't this function as a child that amount to them. I did get to choose this. I I be that I have that lincoln's, for instance, Was he complimented on my legs? People was like. You have amazing likes, which I hated my legs until like a year ago, because they were always more muscular, my sisters eggs where was like thin and like modestly and mine were like kind of just.

Or there long but they're muscular and I was just like ugh and I was covered them up and then suddenly I embrace them, and I love them now and people are all you know, I show them a lot so people compliment them. always go? People know what is your work out and, unlike legit, nothing You know what hawaiian, how I got these legs, my dad ejaculated at my mom and nineteen, eighty four and I got his dna and I have my dad's legs like that. No let up in its la I didn't do anything, and then I really I mean I have my dad's legs to its like it's almost creepy how much and he just has naturally muscular kind of spelt legs I looked out, and so, when I get jealous of other people now I just gonna go. are they did get it through? You know pilates or whatever, and I go. I could do that its goes like no. I couldn't

I wasn't born with a brain that likes pilates or group work out, so I just don't have they they just got lucky that they got that kind of brain or that kind of motivation within them. I don't need to beat myself up that. I don't have that. I just feel like not. My bodies under my business is kind of under the same umbrella of like let yourself off the hook. I I think one thing that I got in when I was actively like going to program staffing in twelve steps up which I'm not as much anymore, because I kind of you know it's just my own journey, but one thing that I did get that you touched on in your emotional eating, episode was that I would like I struggle with pot use. Like that's my one thing I ve given up alcohol. I have a precise, fairly normal relationship with food based on my history, but I really struggle with we'd I, like you, know I go in and out of being like never again and then I'll start on billing editors.

socially for this one thing and then I'm like no, I wanted to every day and then eventually leads to me being like I gotta, throw it all out. What's the tell me, the like scenario where smoking at we're having edibles like what is it the culture of like here comedian, where, where does that come in we'd? For me, it makes me energized and it makes me like just it's just tilts, my reality, a little bet, it's fun, you know, like I don't drink anymore. It's like a way to get out of my head, it comes it gives me like a newt. It gives me anxiety for sure, but it's like I I thrive on anxiety as as someone who does stand up comedy like I thrive on putting myself in situations that are kind of scary that and then, when I get through them, I'm like yes, so, like I kind of being high cause, it's like levelling up on your life, where you're like it's gonna, be harder to like function, and I don't know I just I just like it, but I always struggle with it because it becomes something I want to do all the time. For me, it always starts is like

gone six months without it, you know what I'm going to this concert. I really like want to enjoy this music on a different level like open, edible and then the well I'll, be like this is taking too long. I just I really like inhaling smoke and feeling it right away. I'm not the type of pot smoker who, like rolls a joint It is like delicate about it and takes their time and like puts on music and lights, candles like I want to hit on a dirty pipe like on a sidewalk crouched in a corner like so blocking the wind like literal crack at like. I just wanted me right away. So it's not a good look like it's something that I'm ashamed of, because it's it's dirty. It smells people are lloyd by it if they walk by like it's not like a pleasant smell, if you don't smoke pot, it's great, if you're amongst euro company but

not really someone who has a lot of pot had friends like it's kind of like I'm, the only one and- and it's just something I like to do before stand up, shows like it's really weird but like I sometimes before I go on tour every weekend, I'm doing hour and a half performances, and I just want to feel something different cause. I want to bring something different to it and it just makes my mind going to take a little detour and then I have a different kind of fun on stage than just. If getting bored with my act so it'll be something I'm like I'm going to do it before I go on stage, and then that goes great for awhile, because any pot smoker listening knows like pot, can like make you have like the best performance of your life. Let's say if you're a musician or whatever or just socially you just have a great night and then pot

also like it's like a shadow pepper like one in twelve is gonna like really fucked up your world. I'm glad I should not have done this. I could it function. I mean it makes you moron, there's no doubt about it that over time I get stupider and slower on power, and so it always starts out fund, it's it's kind of like a diet like you know how you can be energized by a diet at first and be like I'm doing this. You see the results and then it starts to go like this sucks. I am in pain. Like. I don't even like this food that I'm like these fuckin play. chicken breasts or depressing this little cup of rice, whatever it is you're doing like it's, not your eva, looking forward to it, war, and then you overdo it and or you stop and then so I for me, I always end up like I would say once a what twice a year I quit pot entirely. But now what I've been doing is like

forgiving myself for needing a little head, a we'd like what you know. Why, like I'm, not trying to do this, so I, like you, know, fund drug lords and because I when a disappoint, my mom and have my boyfriend role his eyes, like I'm, not doing this to hurt anyone, I'm doing it because I obviously am struggling and it's the only thing to soothe whatever is happening right now and yes, there are better things to reach for a journal calling a friend. went to a meeting, but I want to just get a little odd. Well, we all gotta have a vice. I know, but I have such guilt around it and I think, as soon as I just like, don't beat myself up about it, it gets the use, gets less and less of like because what usually, what I'm smoking part for the first time after a long time of not doing it, I'm like you, you failed, like it's almost like when you start to bend your like doing this ass, is ikea were don't yes just so it doesn't get doesn't catch up to me and I can taste it before the guilt heads. I feel like I'm always doing that

and said now, I'm just like it's almost like letting yourself have the things he used to say no to like I'm letting myself happy, because I need a little. I need a little sugar right, not like. I need it and its might not be the best. It looks like you to refine sugar and polly saturated fats whatever, but like sometimes you just craven cause. You had a long day and you want a little tree, and so, if I treat it like that- and I dont rice beat myself up because the thing that I would look at the story that I love they entered and they'll, stop this token monologue that I love from that. I got from ourselves up meeting once was that this woman said that she she added

sugar addiction, so she did have like I do. She can't have sugar because it will derail her and there's some people that literally have like no no foods have like it's like crack. You know it will ruin their life, but she had oreos in her car and she was driving home and that was for her family and she goes I'm just gonna have one like. We all do right like just going to have one and then one lead to two once and then by the time she was done at the stop like ready to go from the stoplight. She had had a whole row and the stress that the the embarrassment, the shame that she had over having that whole row that why we overeat why we reach for the pot why we wished for booze is because We are uncomfortable and we're stressed out our own skin. Now this woman beating herself up about that row of orioles is has not in her car to soothe her through this things eighty about what a fuck up she has cause. She had six or whatever orioles the only

think she has is the orioles. So what does she do? She eats the whole frickin bag, whereas if she would have just been gentle with herself after that first row, and said you must anita- that girl, that's not on your food plan but clear. Lee you're in pain right now. Your stress out about this party, whatever it is, you needed ralph good for you. Just have it let yourself go. She could have avoided eating the whole bag. So it's really about how we beat ourselves up more than it is like the things were doing absolutely, I think, and that that leads to over you and so, if I'm gentle with myself about you need a little hit a pot. Maybe that will lead to me not having the whole joint and just having a little puff sky. You know like that, his stuff, just just let the voice. I talk, I talk to myself with I'm just trying to be more gentle. Like last night, I was tried to go to sleep and I was just like she.

Time to sleep. I just heard saying it's like a sip of those like way. This works only treaty myself, like a oh baby and its it feels were dick I said my boyfriend was already asleep. Thank god cause he would have been like. What are you doing, but I just I wanna, be just nicer to myself because, but it's so hard, because it's kind of feels great to beat up on yourself a little bit to cyber bully yourself and like zoom in on pictures yourself and send up dear friends would be like look at I'm a monster. Tell me I'm not a monster. Wouldn't you pass every if you looked like this, like Oh I can be. I can be the nicest to myself and I can be a literal middle school bully, but I wonder how much your job in doing stand up in you know. You're putting together a whole show you're trying to now you're going up there and you ve been doing this for a very long time. How much does that like her?

is that become the narrative, because that's the joke, like it's easy to make a joke, and so you're going to constantly look at your own life and the things that you can analyze and tear apart yeah. I think you know that's something I struggle with with stand up right now, because after I got into eating disorder recovery during the pandemic, stand up was also taken away at that time. So it made sense that as soon as this, like thing, I was doing, every single night of my life was pulled out from under me, a thing that filled the time that just like occupied my brain space. Suddenly, my eating habits got really bad and I was just waking up with food in my bed and it was just a sad sight. So that's when I found myself getting like reaching out for help and finding a have a bow. and healthier relationship with food, and I feel like as soon as I did that I'd I learned in that process also, which is a huge part of it, was to love myself and then I go back to stand up and, unlike o way, the

You don't go together, like my whole thing. That's why I loved about stand up. I could finally make the jokes about myself before. Maybe someone could make them about me. I was always scared. you know I never felt like the pretty girl in high school. I never felt popular. I always was scared. You know boys would make fun of my looks or whatever whatever I had going on. So I was like santa was a way to beat them to the punch and certainly doing like all the roasts like I I love doing. Rosa probably do them again, I question it though, because the last time I did a roast. I was thirty four, I think, and now I'm thirty eight and then, when you're thirty, four, they they can make jokes. But you being old, but they like, don't really get laughs, because people are like she's. Thirty, four like that's not but thirty, eight like they can start at my face it's a little like I'm starting to show signs of aging, I not saying that I'm old looking but like thirty eight is thirty. Eight like it's. It is what the as my eggs are drawing up. Things are happening so like those oaks now about me in a rose, even though I sign up for them are alike. So

terrifying to me to be face, because when you do a rose, you have you like you, you are so mean and get to be made to people. You have to open yourself up and be ok with having horrible things said about you, because, as part of the deal that you make, what the devil comedy central in this miss example, but, like I kind of don't think I I handle aroused like my friend whitney cummings did a roast recently for her birthday and she asked me to do it and I go girl. I don't know that my egg, I like I, don't want the spend. I dont want to face left after this, I'm not ready for one, and I think that would like make me get one with that is, I think I'm gonna comics telling me how old I look. So it's like, I don't know, stand up for me. my new act as is more about like I can make fun of myself, but in a loving way. Like I accept myself, like that's what I'm saying like the the monterrey. Do I approve of myself. I can still be like the I look like Owen wilson, some mornings and that's funny. It doesn't mean I dont like myself like. I can look ugly

ugly to me doesn't mean you don't deserve love your bad person like. I can still make fun of myself and instead of the bad things I say or like cortical bad there just facts like some days. I do look like larry bird or like some days. I do look like that. There's just things I could say about myself that are that one might go. Don't say that you're not old enough like, but I am getting old, like my vagina- is drying up like these aren't necessarily mean things it just factual and I dont subscribe morality to looking ugly one day or looking old, I'm to strip that away so a thing that I'd like to get annoyed by his. When I talk about like I'm getting older people who no no you're, not old, no, don't say that now go will someday. I will be- and it sounds like based on this reaction at something a horrible thing to briefly, because I do play on living long enough to be called a good old. But people go back now. you're, not old knots of has anything wrong with it will get, but you're not don't say that, and so I just a kind of want to get to a place of like

I'm gonna, be like an old and it's gonna be fine, and you know I am at a weird aids, like I'm, really struggling right now, I'm like tomorrow, decide if I'm gonna, freeze my eggs and I'm very resentful of the whole thing. It's very expensive, economy to do it. This is the last day I I can do it like this tomorrow or they're going to be like this? Is a waste of you know thirty thousand dollars, but it's like I'm really struggling with this thing that all of a sudden showed up in my life, which is like fertility just you know limiting overnight, like I never saw that chart. That's like thirty. Five, like it's a chart. That's your age, and it looks like our greenhill like skiing and then all of a sudden at thirty five, it's like a black diamond in its suddenly like straight town like way way. Why wouldn't We told me I was I had no idea so now and I don't even want kids and then like this weird thing of, do I prepare for it thing that I might want some day. That's it! I'm just gonna ask you is like

Do you even want children, or is this like a societal norm that your life will just in case all gives us it's norm, because I heard Jennifer amazon in a recent interview, say she regretted not freezing rags. I have a couple friends that have said I regret not doing it like most of the people. I talked to that didn't, do it say they would have liked the option, so I'm I'm doing it because I have the the money it's not. My favorite thing does not on money on, which is something that I like insurance in the essentially I have a boyfriend now we've been together off and on for like ten years, but and and we don't want kids- and you know it would for me to want kids, it would take someone like, I really want to be a dad. I can't wait to be a very much almost like a dad. That's almost like a mother role is what I would need, so I do think like. Maybe my like. I am such a dark and maybe my boyfriend will die and I have to like find a guy and what, if that guy, like once kids- and maybe I do what kit like I've heard- girls go like I didn't want, kids

I met this guy and I was like I can't wait to have kids with you and I there's something beautiful about lit, leaving that option open to me, even though my currents situation we I can have kids I mean, but he's my boyfriend we're not even engaged so I am. I ve pulled him we're like I'm doing this in case we break. Or you die, and I meet a guy who's like I need my own goods and because I would adopt it. So I'm doing this for a future guy, but doesn't leave, who has very staunch believes about what you know having its own kids and That's why I'm doing it I'm just doing it, because I don't want to have regrets, which is something I am often haunted by, but yesterday I decided I'm not doing it like. I went through the whole process of bloodwork and they scan your follicles and I was like ready to do it and then I called to get the medicine to start. Doing like I start medicine,

week and I called the pharmacy cause. They called me and I go why don't? Why are they calling me- and I talked to the doctor and they're like they're, probably calling you to talk about the costs, because it's like a lot and I'm like? Oh, I can I think I've already heard the cost, but let me just called to check and it was sixty nine hundred dollars for one, round of medicine shit for what and I had to have at least I mean we're going to do to cycles. So that's that times, two plus the sixty Now, as for the first cycle, another four for the second so and we were talking so much money- and I just I don't even know what credit card to put that aren't like it's, that so I just I couldn't get a wall brains and pay seven thousand dollars like am I gonna, get points and I gotta get walgreens cash for that, like I just can't I've just I haven't spent so much money,

unlike literally any at so yesterday. I mean I woke up this morning being like I'm not doing it. I'm calling my doctor. I've already put a two thousand dollar downpayment, but at least I'll just bail on this. But now I'm like just do it like you, had a good weekend and juliet illinois with ticket sales use that money and just do out of drug juliet. You and I are others cirebon words. you're, a beautiful by the way gorgeous reality or something yeah or just one of everything out light of that theatre, not as gorgeous, but that theatre ray? I want a jewel Does you having left only? I wait please only about not only the financial costs of you doing there s, also what it's going to do to your body to have to talk with your hormones, I'm assuming Yes, yes, oh yeah, I mean I've a photo coming up and they were like. Are you prepared to be a lot?

fear, and unlike yeah I can, I think psychologically. I can handle it like that because again, not my fault I have two there's these hormones. Think I'll just be ok, yeah! It's it's! It's it's a lot and then I watch videos that it's like this is. This is just making money off of sad women unconvincing women like your worthless, unless you can provide children for a man like and I hate to support any industry. That's like lying to me, I'm really like over. You know die, industry, makeup, industry, beauty, industry. Even though I fall for all of the gimmicks, I'm just there's a part of me that wants to be like no, I am not going to give money to this thing that preys on women's insecurities about aging but at the same time, paris, Hilton just like announce. She had a baby and I go how this bench do it and then I go off. She froze her eggs used a surrogate baby yeah. It was last and I get a girl yeah so that she has a picture of it

finger and a little baby holding it and I'm like oh, she did she did it. She froze her eggs on layer. I know so I'm just like I it's stuff like this. That's all coming up. That's just out of the aware was like? Oh I'm, thirty, eight like this is kind of the year to that you need to freezer eggs. If you're going to do it and- and I just it's just a constant struggle of- I mean there- days where I feel like. Oh I've got it all together. I, like myself so much, I'm happy with my place in the world and then there are days right just get so depressed like I suffer with depression a lot, so I just I? I know that if I wanted to have a kid, I would have to have that more in line of like an, I would have to have like a consistent like six month period of no like

low lows, even though you can't guarantee that once you have kids post partum, although they but my depression is like there's a part of me, there's a gonna want to bring a kid, and this I barely one to bring a dog into that. I mean like its depression, can really it it doesn't? It does a number on me. I know know I've really really struggle with that, but it some. I think the bottom line is just like. Take it easy, and I just have to look at this- I I have to I'm trying trying desperately to change the narrative about freezing. My is like this empowering thing. Like I get too like wait now, and I advise me some time to do it. I one have my boyfriend and have my cake and eat it. Like I have to like change the way I'm talking about it to myself, because if I go through this whole thing and I'm jabbing myself in the stomach and being like fucking patriarchy, unlike bitching, about like what am I d like, I don't even think

harvest any eggs, the eggs will be angry, making viagra rather gotta. Why are we want our part of money from stress? I would also just like to say I think about this: a lie that I have for children for doing ass. It so many times Its and swine love, my kids, I'm doing that being. Oh here's, the asterisk, like I love them so much that the best thing in the entire world, but I absolutely grew up in a culture and then married into a culture where that was my role. That was what I was supposed to do. I met my ex husband when I was ten years old. I literally could not imagine a life for myself that wasn't I'm, maybe a mom annulment of your wife and that's what I'm gonna do and having kids is so fucking heart in so high or not hard. It doesn't

how you feel today, if your hormonal you're bleeding out. If you ve got diarrhoea departmental hey here, it doesn't matter cause you got it, it's so impossible. Oh and I wanted it, so I all I think this, like four girlfriends, who asked what are unlike, if you are not one million per cent. I got that I had not wait to be a parent. You should write you freak in China because I will not arrive at heart like it's just so hard, I just skip fear that at that that, because I have her, even though I ve never wanted gets. I've heard that something happened this week. but just then suddenly are like you want them so bad, and I

Well, that may be that's just like you know, everything's your hormones, so it I mean it is your hormones and it may be it's like a drug on your brain like playing tricks on your brain, but I'm just I'm someone who hates missed opportunities and I would hate- and you know, there's something to the fact that you caviar that whole thing with it's the best thing ever I let like. No parent parent parenthood is like the greatest gift in the world. The love you feel like a kind of feel sad missing out on that a little bit like there's a part of me. That was so, I will say, the children are the best like I love these humans. and I understand that they wouldn't be here. If I hadn't worked to bring them into the world, but the process of parenting tat is a punch in the walls. That is if you, if you got one of them, that's okay, the other one's going to have a meltdown. I the I'm on a first name basis with every single principle in mind, like it's just

parenting is a bitch. So you really want those babies to sign up is unrelenting, and I I say it all time, like the kids are great having to be their parents. That that's my gosh, that's a! I am job. I know- and it's like- I guess I get kind of persuaded by my friends who want babies. So much like I have for this kind of weird complex. Where am I when I'm not like other women. I get really and secure like if I dont, like I dont, like cooking, I dont like them home to core. Design, like I don't care I don't know what a sconce is and I feel really like bad that I dont want hiking there, certain things I don't like that everyone seems to love and I'm like what's wrong with me that I don't want this, and so I tried a like, maybe I'll, be that kind of woman like I want to be someone I'm not. My boyfriend is always like I've never met someone who once

I do like things they don't like, like I understand wanting things that you do like, but like I've never met, somebody who constantly is mad at themselves for not being like other people wanting what they like. So I do believe that the age I'm at You know thirty, eight, all my friends are like either desperately trying to conceive or their bummed out like that they kate, like there it's it's all like all of my friends, are struggling with that right now, and so I think that some kind of in I'm in an echo chamber of like the the only thing you could care about right now is wanting kid. So I think I'm some kind of

I can not as well and and just you know it's it sucks that I have to make this decision by like today and like pick up and go, spend too it's so crazy, but like this is this is kind of like what I do with my life is like make insane decisions, say yes to things and then I get to them, and I go oh no. I have to do that now, like I always say, like my successes, do a lot to saying yes to stuff and and what I have to do it I'm like. Oh now and then, but you gotta, do it. You said yes, you know like having deadlines signing up for things saying. Yes, I had a time. So it's kind of part of my make up is to hurl myself into things. I think I dont want this now, but I might want this later than that shows up in here. I still don't want those, but now I gotta do it and it ends up being a good thing that I you know, dread the whole time.

Do you do that a lot like do what, with books and stuff like? Do you find that, like the fact that you ve written so many books, I mean books to me? I like was gonna, write a book. I got a woman to work with me on it, not a ghost writer, but someone just like hold my hand through the process, and I like ghosts at her like a target, a ghost writer I go to her because I was just couldn't turn and pages fast enough. I was always a disappointment, a my might. You know my book agent is just so. I can tell there's just disappointment across the board for me not making this deadline. I couldn't do it. How did you get through that process? Because writing a book is, though, I can barely red one writing. One is so hard do work well with deadlines. How did you do it? Ok, so a couple of thoughts, one before, answer the question. I just want to saving a back to your decision that you have to make. I wanna be like a good girl friend and give you this thought. If you can afford it, then do it and by yourself peace of mind period like it,

That's it, because maybe you won't ever use it but, like you said, regret as something that you worry about, so just take that weight off her shoulders. Fuckin, it's done. I did it and made if you donate those eggs some day like, maybe you don't do anything with them. Maybe you have a friend who ends up needing eggs and, oh my god, it was all for a reason they weren't ever like. Who knows? a. I like that. Take that off your brain, yes ok, so that you can focus on other stuff. They were me I'll you're welcome. I love a deadline, a love of a deadline, in fact I've been working on a book for a couple of years, but the honest to god. Truth as its due at the end of this month. I have written this book this month, but I really do sort of way until the very last minute and crime. It's gonna be a way that yeah it's only way that I'll get stuff done. You that's having earlier about it with. You were smoking before you went on stage that was almost like, oh let's see

This will do and it reminded me of an interview I did like years ago with this guy, who is a trainer like a basketball trainer, he trained Jordan and like lebron and like all of these amazing people, and he was saying that a lot of his athletes would get to a place that they would sort of be bored with the wins, so they would intentionally self sabotage. Tim to level up baby like what could I do I hung over. Can I go game, seven hung over just to see just how excite yeah it feels like you saying, like you need blank or roads. yeah you're like ok, this isn't hard enough. I've got to make it more interesting or I've got to go out there and cause a totally new set unprepared you're. So right, because there will be times where I'm like it, it makes me feel like I just started, sit up again, because when I used to start way first, it stand up doing three. it's on stage was impossible. I would have liked a little piece of paper with my jokes written on it. I would have a b so scared I would for

at anything, and now I can do it now and half without looking at any notes. Totally fine, no problem but when I'm high sometimes I'll be like in a bit of a joke it to go, I don't know how this what ends I kind of forget, feel alive because I go, you got Stall in an efficient way to you have did not only be talking to you to be figuring out the future and it feels like and then when you get it right, he'll so good and then, when you have to go sorry guys await where was I again like that feels horror and that's going to what you have a wake up call but yeah Definitely it definitely ups the stakes a lot and I think that's exactly ed. It's like you get bored and you need to make it scary again. I need get it my adrenaline up of like what am I doing, I'm high on tv, what like our selves, avatars completely, and sometimes it goes great, but I'd like I said like sometimes it can really backfire, because you're you're plan you're playing a dangerous game like I am just like no celebrate that this is easy. For me, and just like

have fun, but there's something about you got. I gotta feel alive up there and end up being scared makes me feel alive. I'm totally done this. There was a couple of years where I was book content to do motivational speeches all around the world around the country. And it's amazing and you're so grateful and you have those momentarily colleague share. I can't believe at that, I'm here or there, some would pay me to do this or that there is any one the audience. But when you do the same thing over and over you start trying all these little gimmicks to kind of make it more interesting, because you and I both know that when you have those moments where you're flying without a net that you like you to your point, sometimes you crash, but sometimes you have a moment magic that there's no other way to replicate that. So I would intentionally go like others: fifteen thousand people in the audience right, Oh I'm gonna go. Do ninety minute key! No, without preparing at all like

I won't even ray- I don't even know what I meant to say till I get there. Would you as saying, but I like it also was a miraculous, because I taught myself to every single time I'll deliver. I will land this year. In plain even at home at rome like I don't know what I I don't know I just started talking about, but let us see where this goes. Oh, my god, I mean rachel. It's as I do the same thing like I'm embarrassed to admit it, but like I perform for these like, constantly and what they dont know. As I have done, I have not looked at my notes I have like. I just got people who go like what So how do you remember all that? And I go it's stream of consciousness- unjust grabbing at it, because I've train myself to do that at this point, because I've done it so many I'm sorry, I'm like I'm gonna risk not having any april because I'm also preparation equals. If I look at my notes and then I go up, I might look like looking at my notes. Backstage Ike might focus on how I'm not good enough like I'll, be like this joke as

that's funny I ate like is for its m, avoiding quit self critique, which is terrifying to me. It would make me a butter stand up, but there are two. I really do go up I am totally unprepared a lot of times, no idea where I'm going to end or end up and then I'm always forced to like eventually tape a special or go on fallin or something and you're. You have to like write out your set and like really prepare it, and that's when I'm like. Oh, I should have. Miss before like it really makes me so happy to hear that you get books done in the last month. Has it absolutely I've always work that way you know in height my mom oils is like you always waited second I remember you and high schools to stay up all night. The night before paper was due and that paper was due eight fifteen in the morning and I would or I would be- I would be printing at seven fifty and like and I love that feeling and then you get to have a minus on it and you go. I got an a minus. What I didn't even read this goddamn book and then I wrote

what they are about like there's just some thrill in getting away it's the same thing I got when I use the shoplift like even one of the things I would steal. I wasn't it was college. Just like kit like were once you walk. Through that door and you, like the beat the buzzer does go off often you're, like I just risk so much for nothing. For what for this shirt that I dont even once but didn't sensor on it. I think you don't like I used to get such a thrill. out of these little like I'm getting away with murder things and and but then I got caught shoplifting that ended. That light if you like bomb horribly once or like you know, and then kind of go, I can't do that anymore, like I haven't, had getting caught stealing moment of, like not preparing on stage where it's like been so and so embarrassing that I go, I can never do that again, but its waiting for me

I know I have to say that for me- and I I assume this is the case for you too, but maybe I'm putting words in your mouth. For me, I care about each individual audience that I'm standing in front of I know that magic happens. If I'm not Overly prepared for something you end of interacting with the audience, you end up all that guy in the back of the room- and you have this moment and it's this unique experience, because if I'm just you and I both know their comedians, there are keynote. Speakers are people who just do the same following they You got like verbatim like do the bits with them that its boy during my don't yet even by watch it right, I really can't watch media that are like performative and they scrunch their faces. Way for every joke and they get as angry at em like you're, not angry. That thing. Any more like, if I'm doing a joke where it's like was based on anger, I better find a way to go.

Myself as angry about that thing. As I was the day, I wrote a joke, otherwise it's not worth telling, because I don't want a fake anything like I really as as someone who I enjoy is going to see shows. Like I dont like going to broadway shows, I mean a kind of people me on it now because I always used to think that they just do the same show every day and they must be so bored and there like thinking about the grocery list and their thinking about like gotta. Wait till this is over and I can go up. The guy just constantly was projecting how board they were, but now I've learned that like brought broadway shows they like hell, fun within like the parameters of what they have to do, and I don't like you, don't try to making further laugh and up so that that makes ok, maybe I can get on board with seeing this goes. I just want my performer to be having fun and that's why? What I'm on the road I bring, my friends with me to open for me like I might there are always like. Are you sure you want this band opening for you? It's like taking all of your money to have two page, and unlike yes, because I be in a good mood. If I get to work to ban that I love open for me, and that makes for a better chauffeur

every one, because I want that. To see nicky like at her. I don't wanna, go to a tailor. Show. When taylor is like in a bad mood like I can't even watch your nineteen. Eighty nine tour, because I knew she was starving herself at the time and she was like really it's sad and like hungry during that time, so it's hard for me to watch clips. not even almost fifty, because I know you like not having a good time. So I, like you I try to I. I do care about the audience in that. I want them to see a version of myself. That's not resentful that I have to be there like. I try to set the states that are I'm having fun I'm feeling something I'm alive up. There are not just folding at in absolutely we. You said something to that. I think chips. People out if very, are performers, which is that you can be telling a joke or in my case I can be doing a full on motivational moment or I'm giving a talk. And there is a voice in the back of my head. That's like I don't know what

to make. I am lost right now and I've gotta figure out and ever friend who's a huge musician, and he was right I will be fully doing a song. The audience is crying like all these people in the arena and he's thinking what am I going to eat for dinner when this is does it? It sounds so nuts that it's almost like two parts of our brain. like it separates, so that you can do your work and also be orchestrating the work. You know. I think the best analogy I heard for this recently was when you first learn to drive a car like you like, whoa god of every year, like incest with like every little turn you're sixteen you're like merging yearly. How do I do this and, like you, gotta figure out the break as this one and that the gas and but then, when you when you become good driving, you don't think about driving at all, you little air brain forgets you sometimes you get from point. the being you go. What did I do have liked? Was I collective action and that's how it is

you ve been performing long enough. It becomes like driving where you can. These is not the whole time that we're on autopilot for sure like, but there are it's a why phenomenon when you are up there and you can you realize that you are in the middle of this pit pivotal moment, you're like oh, I am thinking about if they got there. Uber were order that I like, if they had to replace that one that part of my order or if they are viagra its and I dont I like to have. Those bruno moments is as little as possible, but that is also the beauty of what we do. Is that because we're known for you know being authentic and like that's, why people respond to what we say We can kind of admit these things I mean. I don't think that there are other people that can actually say this, because it's it's so perform it of all the time. But I can say I like being a comedian and having the freedom to you know, show my flaws or show the things that might not make me look as cool. I think that's like the the beauty of

of being a comedian and and and like yeah. I think the more that I do it. I was like having a trouble with like once I got into recovery of like really like doing comedy any more and being everything is just so like like comedy is just like you can't be sincere, even for a fuckin second or everyone goes like issue cringe, be funny like, and I was really like in the sincere moment in my life when I started liking myself and just doing more, journaling and meditating, and I'm like I kind of wanna talk about more sincere things on stage and it's really been like of a a fine art of trying to balance those two and have like motivational parts of my set that leave people

feeling like more empowered but how I've done. That is just talk about things that are funny to me, but also focus on things that people have shame about, and people don't talk about, see, there's ways to make things funny unpalatable when talking about taboo things. That is just I just wanna like do what I want for myself, which, as I get rid of any shame but sincerity, four b has been a struggle and that's why I've kind of gravitated towards. I I really want to like pursue a career in like singing and songwriting, which has been like my secret obsession, and so I'm starting that journey as a hard, because it's always what I've wanted to do. It's like in high school. I wanted to be a singer and a singer songwriter. I didn't know how to play an instrument, my dad's a really good guitarist, so I it's When you grow up with it's almost like nebo babies, I kind of feel like they did a little credit, because when you grow up with parents who have been doing something for thirty years and their like the best at it, and then you try to do

you're gonna pale and comparison because they're so good, so I was just constantly surrounded by like really great musicians in my house and then I just felt, like you know, as a beginner guitarist in high school, I just sucked compared to my dad, so I was like I'm giving up I'm like you're, not a natural, so I gave up and I tried to be a singer too, and I was I was told by a music, a voice teacher I was going to she told my mom, like Nicki, does not have it The waste of your money essentially- and I was like all knowing I completely discouraged from that- one god, damn teacher and then freak it sucks so much, but it's always been my passion, so I mean in high school. I was just like I gotta come. I guess it was college once my dream had really died and I was I didn't get into any theater school and I was like what am I going to do like I was knew what I wanted to be on tv and work in you know, hollywood and thank god, someone recommended stand up comedy and I checked that out, and that was

I think that I was like naturally good at right away. I wasn't like great because no one is, but I definitely had like people were like you've got something like keep this up, but with music, but I secretly was always just like man. If I could really change like it could be anything I'd want to be like a singer. Songwriter and and then, when the pandemic head, I was living with my parents and I'm surrounded by my adds guitars than taylor. Swift, folklore, im out- and I was like listening to that a lot and I was like I really want to just like run yeah. I want to sing like I want to sing these songs, so I got a care okey machine, because I also wasn't performing stand up. So there was like no emotions coming out of me. What I didn't know that was such an outlet every night of like getting on stage and talking. So I was really pent up, so I like bought it ok, machine and every morning I would just sing karaoke and my parents house much to their chagrin and eventually it was like. I don't know, I just looked into it and it turns out if you haven't decent voice, which I do

it's not great but its decent. You have an instrument that you can learn and surmounting voice lessons I've gotten so buyer learn and I was just on was like like either got it area, don't but like it turns up practice like does help and so That's what I'm doing now and like it's kind of cool at the age of the universe started when I was thirty, six the like start on a new career. Again, it's like I need something to make me uncomfortable again and to like really be obsessed with be so obsessed with comedy when I started and I've kind of lost that that that you know fervor for it and No it's nice on. I think, that's totally normal, I think totally normal to have success in a certain industry in a career and be look, ok, what now because, obviously driven you are ambitious, you ve done all of these things. It's gonna have to be something new because you're bored it it just

right now. I am your also you're going back to this thing of like it's a little bit painful, because I do not have you, I posted anything on obedient and how people- oh my god, it's like. So I was the first thing I did what I was thinking for a while and taking lessons in one of my best friends as a singer songwriter and she was like we should like rent studio space and like and my friends are- writing songs. For me, and I was like I'm not going to record any of these like I suck like I'm, not going to be one of these people that got a dust in one of the you know, housewives that puts out an album and everyone makes fun of them like I know my place like I need to like. I need to wait. Seven years of training. Before I release anything like I don't wanna be, it was accepted. Some for myself like. I know people would listen to my album because of a comedian, but I wanted to be like. I almost want to come up with a sigh. Name so that no one knows it's me, so I ll make it on my own behalf. But at cutting this I was cutting this like private, album I was just for me like no one

I just want to see what I could do with that, and then Bob sadly Who is a friend of mine died. We were in studio, and I was writing this song with my friend who had we're, wrote written original song and then I was like feel at this. I was so sad about and we had to, but we had to like, do these recordings cause, we bought the studio space and how is like the song, actually kind of feels the same way that it feels to lose a friend, and I was like. Let me just try to rewrite the lyrics about bob so I rewrote the song, we recorded it and I was like you know what I'll put this out, because I just feel like. I need to just share what, meant to me, and so I released the song and I got so blake. Everyone may not everyone. Some people are very nice, it's not bad. Do it now and I was like it's not bad, it's not great, but it is it it's its bureau. I'd makes me cry even like thinking about it, but I got so

like people were so mean about me like I have all these colonies, like friends of mine, just trashed me, because what oh, why they did it because they all want to be singers to every single comedian secretly, one matter and their jealous that I, which is what all comedians, are, were jealous of people who have no shame like it that the best p pull in this. Business are usually the ones that are the most shameless because you take risks because we're so scared of being embarrassed that comedians a lot of things will not take any risk. It seems like we're, so we take so many, but we don't and being sincere is the biggest risk you can take as a committee, because you no one wants to be cringe and its cringe to look sincere and have you will go like ill emotions, so everyone, cringed albert mean even howard, stern made fun of me like it was panned across it. I was so embarrassed, but then I was like they're all just kind of jealous. I just like us.

I know I would be. Would ever I make fun of someone on it. If I like, you know seasoning on integration and like a she so thirsty like she thinks she's hot, I'm probably Joe That she can put out a third strap and not be embarrassed by it, because I really would love to put our first trap sometimes cause. I look fucking great sometimes, but I dont do it because I don't want people to make fun of me? So when I'm really jealous of is not her body per se? It's her ability to not give a fuck what people think, because that is so. If you could not care what other people think it's incredible so once I was able to like get made fun of I kind of break that seal. Then I was like ok, I'm not releasing anything until I really feel like it should be released. It mean if friends of mine keep dying I'll, keep releasing songs buffets. I hope it doesn't happen, but I was on the mass singer later in the year, I was I just did at this panel september. I got third place I lost to wilson, philips, damn amber riley, who are to professionals in yours, so I

really good, showing on that. I got vocal cord surgery after that, because I had a lot of damage on my courts from years of just talking and am, and so now I'm just taking voice lessons. You know, three times a week, I'm really like throwing myself into it to get those like you know, it's a is a race to the ten thousand hours and numb just its, but it's it's you gotta, be a little shameless to be an adult and distorts something late. Like I travel with my Tar everywhere I go so I can just practice and on the road and whenever I am travelling gate attendance are bug, do check your luggage. There always like. I want to play guitar and I go. Please do I was like I picked it up at thirty. Five I can't believe how good I got in two years and I'm not naturally good at it. My fingers are like stiff. I am not a not no one would ever been like your natural, but just do it because it you'll. I always tell this was

and up to people who are like. I want to just in a just: do it because you once you get started, you'll regret that you didn't do it sooner and you just have to get past the uncomfortable eighty of looking stupid, it's so much of life. We miss out on things because we don't want to look stupid, but does like it once it's over it's over and you're alive, and you got ok, I got made fun of on howard stern because in the song is still out there. for people to mock, let ok, literally, nothing changed my parents to love me, my friends to love me like I survive, it didn't, kill me, and so I think that's, I kind of just yeah. I gotta keep telling myself that, because I'm so you know I said I carry a lot of like fear of being made fun of that carries over from middle school, and just you know, prepubescent boys, probably wanting to date me but didn't know how so they called me, ugly or ellen or whatever Ellen had just come out as gay and ninety eight, and so that was what they all called me because,

I did want to take them which is low. Now, I'm like flattered, unlike thank you, I'm stuff. It's funny as Ellen they're like now. We just said that cause you're, probably gay and like okay. Well, that's fine! Okay, wait! I want to ask this question: do you ever bring the guitar on stage when you're on this tour? No, but I brings a single not a lot, but I think I got a song. My friend opens for me and I come out nice thing with her and then Just as past weekend, I was like I'm gonna stay out for one more side, because I was on the mass singer and now people expected for me and I would like no it out and unlike nowhere if this isn't going to take away from my time doing, stand up. I'm going to give you just as much stand up, but I really want to sing this new taylor. Swift, sing along with me, and I try to make it funny so that it's not a complete like what is it like? I do. I never want to be Michael Jordan, lange baseball, not that I would compare myself to Michael Jordan ever, but it's kind of you know it was just like what is he doing. This is so embarrassing he's not as good as he has a basketball, but it makes sense why he did it. he was bored and he wanted a new challenge and got.

He made it to the lake. The majors you know like which is so impressive. I think he made some measures may be just the Finally, but what I lay in key and was actually long amazing at baseball too. I like what you just said, what you just told us and shared with us when you were talking about like just trying things and putting yourself out there and doesn't matter, and you still live like you saying that you want to incorporate a little bit more uplifting stuff into your stanhope gazette sort of how you're feeling right. Now. That's the fuckin bit dude. I know I know you could make that funny, but I'm inspired by the way, I don't know, and I don't know why you would know this is. I have spent the last eighteen months, learning guitar and writing songs and because I love it not I'm I'm as a performer in a singer or any of those things. But you are a performer. Well, I'm a performer, but I'm not like you don't wanna. Do you don't want to perform? Guitar know why I just want to write songs, because I'm a writer, that's what I I've written ten books. You want to write

thanks for other people or yeah, do you have no desire to sing them yourself? I the old reason why would ever seeing them is because I feel it that's the only way people will hear them right now is right. I, like that hey I have all the flowers and mike I wrote the song hears the song why written songs? Oh yeah, I've written wait. Did you like teachers did because I'm looking for like a song running course or like a songwriting teacher, because I just it saw what I try to write songs all the time and it's so sincere. I like him do it like it? Suddenly, my music power or the lira part the lyrics lake it's so quickly. I'm so used to writing of jobs like any time it gets a little towns where it's like all. This is true sincere. I can cut it with a joke, but lady music, you just have to like put your it's just so uncomfortable for me, it's So I ended. I love that you play guitar for the patent, so you take lessons and everything I take lessons on an app and I screw around and watch you too,

video, NATO. I just yeah. That's how I take lessons. I took lessons for a while, but, like I just like to place on when a play, and then you learn more progressive than you like. I can play a book. see g d, The minor, let's light lesser as everybody, that I love and admire, whose a musician didn't take her course they just screwed and, unlike you, so that's what I'm trying to do. File like if you take nothing else out of our time too, I feel like you- should somehow incorporate this into your stand up because it women, especially are so hard on themselves. We feel like its pass. My time I should have done it already. I didn't make a career of this is never going to be mine, and what that means is that you have this whole society of women who think, as we discussed earlier, that their most important role is to be someone's mama or someone's wife. And they have nothing for themselves. They have your hobbes, they have no interest, they have no passions because they think they'll be

finally, and I just enabling a of young ass if you leave out on that, I feel like you could change it could inspire piazza. You should be by showing the by showing the work you know something how embarrassing and yet nobody of like look at. I can be a little bit bad at this end for, like, I think right. A really you poultry was so much I'm gonna free, my eggs, I'm gonna sing more on stage incorporate more positive messaging in my stand up and I'm gonna this damn book. I I appreciate that you mean you're really good at what you do. I really inspired by your so lucky to have met you have been able to do its part. Gaston just been turned on to you in a new way, which I'm us like. Having listened to that potluck. Just that one pot, guess I blake said it's all my friends immediately, you're very special and I'm so excited like dive into all of your work because

You are the real deal and I'm so also thrilled. I even got to talk to you today until you, you things and again now so tell them like where behind you, they want tickets. They want more of you like yeah, I'm on tour like right now, big times are there so many towards aids, Nicky glade? for dot com, I'm doing like a residency type thing in vegas for like four weekends with David spade, so that is going to be an amazing show, but I'm all over the place touring it's such a fun show. I would not like there have been times I've been on tour and it's been like you should, skip this and I had to promoted for this time like now. I it's such a good show, I'm it's all. New material, nothing you ve heard in any of my specials and I have tons of specials that you can watch to gear up for it. I have many netflix than that, I have a brand new one that was just nominated for critics, choice, war. on hbo called good, clean, felt that came out in July of last year, and then you Listen to me. I have a park, guess that'd you two times a week on. I hurt radio, call the Nicky glaser pike s, and it's very much like this. Just honest conversations and I just work.

things out. So I am, I hope, to have made some fans today and I certainly am anew fan of yours. So thank you so much. Thank you to have a fantastic day. A friend has to be a good luck with the egg easing, and I thank you so much for you. Ve really changed my life today. Burger major ramifications of the discovery I can not away here will be goes. Libya, the rachel Hollis pot cast, is produced by me, Rachel Hollis its did by andrew weller and jack noble.