Hi guys there is an impromptu, not my regularly scheduled podcast recording I M sitting in my bedroom floor with a cup of coffee. It is early morning and something is on my heart and I just keep thinking about it, and so I thought maybe I would like a short form podcasting. Can I tell you guys what I'm thinking in the hopes that maybe it'll give you something to chew on as well. I will also say I have in the four years I have recorded this podcast. I have never said this before, but for the first time ever I'm going to give a trigger warning I had this thing happened yesterday that was very triggering for me

Which is not a minute talk about now and it could be triggering for you, so I am going to talk about death and dying and paramedics em, everything surrounding that. So I don't even like saying that words for you right now, because it makes me feel a certain kind away because of my past, and so, if that is something that is gonna make you feel a certain kind of way, then this probably isn't an episode for you to listen to, and I just want to give you that, before a jump in, I promise that you know me: it's not gonna be a negative or too sad, but it's it's deaf. Lee something that might ask through you off, so that was your last warning. I'm gonna jump ahead now, yet

today. I had this really crazy experience and at first I wasn't going to talk about it, because it was so upsetting for me that I thought you know I don't ever want to put things out in the world that are setting to other, boy. I want to try and spread joy and positivity, but I also think I know that there are lessons even in the hardest things, and yesterday was really hard for me. So Oh I decided I would. I would talk to us about it here on the show. So I guess we have to start with the fact that I wasn't supposed to be in town yesterday that that's a peace that really important in this. I was actually meant to go to New York for work and then at the last minute had to cancel my trip, because I had things here in Austin that I couldn't shift around and so

I found myself as a Sunday and my trip had gotten cancelled in the morning and I was like you know what I'm I'm up cause. I had to cancel the stuff, and so I'm gonna go do my run, and yesterday I decided I was gonna. Do the whole circle, which is about ten miles and a head out their super early. So am I go out at sunrise because it's so it's already like getting so hot here in in Austin for the summer time, and I decide hey, I'm going to start really early so that I can get as much of the cooler and I'm using air quotes the cooler temperature as a possibly can

and I'm on my run and I'm feeling good and happy to be outside and it's one of my favorite places, and so I'm just like super blessed to be out there. If you're running like me- and maybe you'll, understand this, but for me that's a sacred time. It feels a lot like church or therapy or something it's just. It's it's an incredible time to

core prey or meditate or manifest or whatever it is. It's really special. So I'm running- and I get a bow- I don't know- maybe four or five miles in and the reason I told you about the time is because it's so early, there are a lot of people out there like the handful that I see all the time that the bikers or the runners, who were kind of doing the same thing I'm doing, but for the most part it's pretty empty and I come around a bend, and there are, I mean six fire trucks for ambulances, cock cars, lights on sirens office, all kind of parked and I'm already having a problem. I assume, if you're listening to this package, that you ve read my books, and so maybe you know that my older brother committed suicide when I was for

in- and I found him and that morning in my life is obviously really awful and dramatic, and I have PTSD and I've done oh much therapy, unlike have learned to manage it really well, but there are still things and that will absolutely trigger me and ambulances and fire trucks, and that seen that I job into yesterday is one hundred percent one of those things because it,

mine's me of what it looked like outside of our house. That day till I come around this corner, and I see all of this, but I can't tell why and now to things happen here and I'm in a speech I I hope this makes sense, but if you have ever gone through something like I went through, I dont know if you handle it in the same way, but now I feel like my brain, is like what is going on like. I want to be able to understand what is going on so that I can tell myself that it's ok and I met this like I can't the trail. Is they like put up, yellow caution, tape and I can't let go on the trail, so I have to go around what's happening, but I'm also like trying to figure out what's going on because there is this at least for me, desire to like us stand because if I can understand what has happened,

and I feel like on some other. I can call myself down your brain. Does this thing where it tries to like find an answer for something that scary and that's what it was trying so I go away around I'm ino on not on the trail after, like sort of loop around, but as I'm looping around. I just want to say one more time trigger warning. Kick as I look around. I see that their there's, like a group of maybe twelve first responders, and one of them is doing chest compressions on some one and the rest are just watching, and what I'm looking at is this young, I think paramedic who is

trying so hard to revive someone who is no longer with us and I'm watching the other first responders, who are just sort of like we're gonna. Let this kid try I, even though there is no there's no hope like. I don't know you ve ever been in a situation like that there is not a world where only one person is I'm trying to do something and everybody else is just standing there and there was horrible, oh so horrible, and- ass. I am. I stopped where I was on the trail and dangerous prayed for everybody. In that circle I prayed, for the person who is no longer with us, and I prayed for that young paramedic, who is working so hard, was trying so hard

and I prayed for the team around him who was going have to at some point, help him to stop trying, and I felt like so like so, terrible and like so many oceans of like like or as I just was, it was horrible okay. So that's what happened so I prayed and then I kept walking because I felt like I don't want to. I don't want to draw attention to this, and I dont want I like beer, someone trying to watch and I don't want to be disrespectful, but I couldn't like I carried it with me for the rest of the day, and I have I have it still is having yesterday morning and I'm still sitting this thing and asking myself. Why.

I saw that why why our saw that- because I don't believe in coincidence at all I don't- I think that we walk into or experience what Her was set up in our lives, like we made decisions that to a moment ago, was the moment, and I decisions that led to a moment, and the moment I walked into. Was this and what was so crazy to me was that as I was standing there in a far off, I'm not like close to what's happening. Other people who are like had gone on to our just running by running by like unaware- or I don't know and so unjust grappling with all of these things, because even in these moments, like this awful moment,

ok? What? What is the lesson and I'm sorry? I know that this is an eloquent. This is like maybe the lease eloquent podcast I've ever dumpy, guys in its dumbly and not well thought out, but Is there some lesson in this there's something, and here are just some things I've thought about since this happened yesterday. Firstly, I never have ever thought about, how many nurses and doctors and fire men and police women and paramedics and first responders or teachers or anybody? I have never thought about the people who

worked so hard to bring someone back whose gone I've never thought about that before. I have thought countless times about the bravery or the courage of these people who help us, but I have never thought about what it must feel like to work that hard to try so much and to not have it work and so First thing I fell yesterday was just deep gratitude and I just want to say that that if your listening or you know someone who is a first responder or who has had the situation happen, I just wanna knowledge that, because people don't, I think that you get celebrated for the times that you he'll

you get celebrated for the times that you know how to fix it. You know how to make it right. You know how to save the person, but then there must be countless times where you can and you. keep trying anyway, that guy astray he was trying so hard. He was tried so hard. Wasn't enough, and it wasn't his fault that it wasn't enough. It just was just is that's life. Sometimes life also involves death. That's just true, but I just want to honour and acknowledge those of you who have stood alongside both life and death and that you hold space that we can't even contemplate, and I just want to honour that. So that's first

and then the second thing that I thought about a lot- and I have thought about this many times over the years and maybe if you ve ever lost someone close to you, maybe you ve experienced, thought as well, but one of the weirdest most awful most beautiful parts of life is that at any second in the day someone dies, and there are people whose life as they know it is over in that moment like they are still living, but the life that they had is over. It's done its everything has changed here devastated by this blow, but for the rest of the world. It's just Sunday morning. craziest thing. I remember so distinctly

the morning that my brother died. This was my gosh am twenty four years ago, crazy. It's been there on yeah twenty four years ago, so we didn't have fallen. Sweden have digital pictures. We didn't have things like that in a we were all the whole family was obviously absolute mass and my mom was inconsolable in one pictures of Ryan. She just wanted a picture and it just so happens that we had gone on a trip recently Ryan and had gone on a trip with my dad and those pictures were already photo centre at Walmart like, a time by some of you are having a blast from the past but there is a time where you, you know. You took your book on film and then you had to take it down somewhere and then have processed and so was being processed out Walmart and in the afternoon,

so he died in the morning in the afternoon arm over my cousin, because my mom is like inconsolable on. I was equate, there's pictures pictures at Walmart until Cousin took me down to the Walmart to go, get the pictures- and I remember just walking around so numb and in shock that for every one else it was just Monday afternoon, like my world, was over. My hero was dead and for everybody else it was just Monday and there's something so painful about that, and also there's something so beautiful about that that the world just keeps pushing forward On the same troll yesterday, where I saw this thing this horrible thing, I saw

little kids learning derived their first bike. I saw ducks and I saw birthday parties sick. This beautiful thing about life at it holds both, and it was good reminder and I think it's impossible to see loss or death and not ask yourself how you're living living like. I don't know about you guys, but it is impossible for me be aware of some one dying summoning no or friend of a friend or in this case, whatever was happening yesterday, it's impossible for me to see that and not ask myself. Today was it. If today was your last day? Are you proud of yourself. you proud of the way you're living

proud of the way that you're showing up as a mother. Are you proud of how you love? Well as a friend? Are you proud of yourself as a leader? Are you proud of yourself? Are you? Are you proud and pride doesn't mean achieved MIT pride, isn't about a list of successes that you pile up on each her from me pride is like man. Did. I love well was a kind did I laugh was I present. I spent a lot of time measured. I thinking about that air spend a lot of time yesterday. Thinking about that and then the lass thought is. I was just like astounded at human emotion and energy. I wish I wish. I knew the name of this kind that was working so hard yesterday. I wish that I I wish I could send him a note, and I wish I could tell him that I saw the courage

and the bravery and the fear. Oh I watched even from afar, I watched this human literally try to gave their energy and their life force to some. One else try to give it with like couldn't couldn't see that it was hopeless, couldn't see that There was no chance, like the other people who are standing around the older people, that the ones who may be had been through this before they all knew I

new from far I've no training from far away. I knew what I was seeing, but this could prove guy used trying so hard. He was trying to will his intent into something that was never going to it. Wasn't gonna work, no matter how pure his intention and no matter how much love and no matter how he wanted so desperately to help. It was time it was that person's time and I couldn't help but think about how often ass humans. We try and do this with other humans. How often do you try so desperately needed

your whole heart and your whole being goes into trying to give your love and your energy and your life force into some one and its just. Never it's never gonna work. I just feel like we believe so deeply. and we want to help so desperately, and there are times when everybody else around. You can see that your literally doing is run. Yourself into exhaustion running yourself depleting yourself trying so hard and I know that I'm using an analogy about something, really serious and really painful to illustrate different point, but I wonder how many people listening to this are staying with an abusive partner. Are trying

again and again and again, to help apparent kick. The addiction are believing that if they just love hard enough for one hard enough for figure it all out that you can fix this person that you can make it right that you can give them the will and the intent to change? And the truth? Is that sometimes sometimes you can- and I don't know I don't know the answers to this, because I think that as a human, you have every right to keep trying until it begins to hurt you. I think you have every right to try and make the marriage work in

will it begins to hurt you. I think that the first time, the first time that they laid hands on you should have been the last time that you ever interacted with them, but I also know that life doesn't always go that way. I I wanted to talk about this because I just thought: damn I don't have the answers for you, but maybe we should ask some questions. Maybe we should ask if its appropriate, for you as the child, to try and fix the parent, maybe we should ask if it safe, for you to be an relationship with your sister when she's this toxic and this hateful and this emotionally abusive, maybe we should ask ourselves every single person. Listening to this, if there is

situation in our life, where we are trying to impose our will for the best reasons, for the best reasons with a love with like so much love so much goodness we're trying To make some thing time, to put our, elves in to some one else in the hope of saving them, but we're doing it you're doing it. In a way that killing you yes I feel like I feel, like what I saw was the other people may be the the more seasoned people who thought we just have to try right. We just have to look at this, try- and maybe that's you right now- maybe you're not ready to let go. Maybe you just right. now feel like you- have to keep doing it this way, but I'm recording this. I believe in my heart that someone

and even if it's only one person needed to hear this today, so that they could ask themselves if they're trying to will someone else, some situation, some projects, some relationship into what they want it to be, instead of seeing what actually is and all the answers, but I'm really good at asking questions mostly of myself and today, for you too. So I hope I hope you got something out of this and if it was discussed, populated and made no sense, I apologize just felt like I don't believe in coincidence, and so maybe one of you needed to hear this too.