I think it's worth saying for any of you who are in a year entrepreneur, you have an online community you're, putting sets out into the world the world. Will How you owe you ve got: keep adding fans, adding fans, will community add your less do as not true. You don't want any fans, you don't want any number, you don't want anybody up in the mix. You want people that are like yeah. I get on picking up what you're putting down like mrs my job, and I don't have to ruth you on everything but like bear our things inside of what you're saying that, like I did because if you add the wrong kind of people to the mix, that's when you're, just you're asking for some kind of war, which essentially happened like ten. He's later. I I'm rachel Hollis, and this is my podcast. I

spend so many hours of every single week reading and listened podcast and watching youtube videos, trying to find out as much as I can about the world around me and that's what we do on their show. We talk about everything life. How to be an entrepreneur. What happened dinosaurs? What's the best recipe for fried chicken? What's the best plan for intermittent fasting going on with our inner child house therapy working out for you, for it is my guess are into. I want to unpack it so that we can all understand these are conversations this is information for the curious. This is the rachel Hollis gas have been wanting to do this episode and also kind of hesitating to do this episode for years now.

We have officially this month in february, celebrated in five years I know I am I find out where, but it's ok we're gonna where talk for this is five years since my book girl wash your face, came out into the world and

with other books like when I was a younger author. When I was newer in my career as an author, I would always celebrate book birthdays, which was the anniversary of the day your book came out and creating any thing, take so much effort and heart and passion and tenacity that you want to commemorate that these things have happened. So when I mean I had my first novel for several years, I would celebrate and I did that honesty with every book until grow wash your face, because I didn't do thou grocer base for the same reason that I have put off for-

In this episode, which was the that book was such a world changer and I don't mean like: oh, it changed the world, but I mean it changed my world in so many ways and it was like a snowball or an avalanche like something that started to pick up speed. more speed and more speed until it ran away with itself and with me and yeah it was a lot you guys it was a lie, I stopped keeping track of how many copies that book has sold. But it's

millions and millions and millions and its in over a hundred countries has been translated into other languages. It just you know. I know it's a kind of thing. You could look at and think. Oh that's something to aspire to, but honestly I never ever aspired to have a book do without book. Did I just wanted to be an author and I had a dream of being a new york times best seller? But it truly never even occurred to me that I would be a number one new york times best seller or that I would stay on that list for over a year. Just all of it was so much and as weird as it is to talk about those things I feel like five years is a big deal, so I thought it would be cool to doing episode about book and also about what are the parts of it that I still,

really identify with and really believe in and what are the parts of it that having written at six years ago, now came out five years ago road at six years ago over six years ago, that my perspective has shifted or changed, or I wouldn't necessary. We say the same things today that I did back then so that we can talk about today. I am going to assume that most of you are here whether you're watching this on you. you or listening to it on the podcast. Because of that book I would say ninety nine point: nine percent of my audience came to he at one time or another because of the book or wash your face. So that's what today is about and if you are a reader of that book, I guess this is a little bit of a book club and I really appreciate that you read it. However, you read it, you know you borrowed a cop from your friend. You got one from the library. You body

or you found it Those little neighbourhood book exchange boxes or whatever, but I'm just am grateful to have you as a reader and a third and ad hoc of out and nightcap hesitating so much that my team put together some questions for me so that I would stop putting off this podcast, as I'm just gonna use their notes, their suggestions as a guide post, and, to be honest, I didn't really read through these. I just looked at them and I would like, if I could do a podcast based on that idea adds here. We are so thus are. GonNA. Do ok, discuss how the book has impacted your life and the lives readers. I guess that's I mean that's. I started off by saying that the book completely changed my life in really good and amazing ways, and also in the ways I didn't expect and were really hard.

So if you're not familiar with the story of how that book came to be in the world, ay was a novelist. I had written fiction and some day I will write fiction again, but I started as a novelist and I was on a. wrap like I was doing a trip with a nonprofit organization in ethiopia, and I was on that trip with some other influencers in the space and the reason we are on that trip was to learn about the work that this. If YO paean nonprofit was doing, it was really cool and on that trip I met another offer who writes nonfiction and very successfully rights, nonfiction and so her name's general maker. Jan asked me one day what I was gonna right now

and I had this really crazy idea at the time and it's still the I think, a really good one for a fiction book about sort of superheroes and I started I was so excited and so passionate and I was like oh and then they're going to do this and then they're going to do this and she was like, oh my god, no no no that what are you talking about? You should write a book for women and I, had a blog at that point. Four forever so had been. Writing. For my audience in a nonfiction style for years, I wasn't that outlandish. She was like write a book for women. So here tell me if you could say anything women if you could have them. No one thing: what would you want them to know? and I never been asked tat question before and annex we thought about it before, but my answer came from might be like it came from my soul. well was, I am like I just started

verbally processing, something I guess I had been internally processing for a long time and I was like a I wish that women knew how powerful they were. I wish women knew how strong they were. I wish that they need. who that they can take ownership of their life- and I just started saying all this stuff. Yes, life is hard, but let go you are strong girl, you are warrior, get up off the floors. Girl, stop crying like a sword, saying all these things and I was a girl like you can do this. A girl stand up and go again and Jane said girl wash your face and I was like.

exactly, and it was just this moment. You have these moments in time where it was like a lightning bolt hit my body and I was like yeah, that's that's the book, that's what I'm going to write about, and I wrote the first chapter of that book on the plane ride home from ethiopia, and it's also why, if you read the book, the book is dedicated to Jen, because she was the one who to me- and I told that story a million times at rise conferences over the years, because I love for, although the negative stories we of about women and women who are in positions of power and women who are leaders and how they sort of don't take care of each other, and that state whether in the back, I would not have even thought about writing nonfiction if she had it pulled it out of me that day and I think that such a beautiful

story, because essentially I was in a calm would be different category and she was like hey come over to my yard. Come over to my house. I'd come over to my category work in this category, which is just so beautiful and so rare. So I love that story and that's why I dedicated the book to her, but I wrote the first chapter of that book and felt like it was something interesting and felt like it was something I had never read before, because I think at the risk of sounding like such a douche. Lord right now it's pretty common now to read nonfiction books, where women are talking about postponing depression Back fat diarrhoea there are growing out of the mole on your butt talking about their sex, I've talking about being a bad mom talking all these things, that's more common! Now, in the last five years,.

It wasn't then- and the reason I know it wasn't then is because when we sat, I think I wrote three chapters and then an outline. My agent sent it to different publishers. People like, why is this I don't get it. I mean the opening line of the book, as I peed my pants last week, and that was the opening line that I sent to all these people. Publishers did not get it. Somebody by our I was gross. They were like this is not a thing

I knew when I wrote the first chapter I just like felt different. It felt special and when we first started getting responses from publisher, people are like passing, passing, passing and not just like unknowns, but my actual publishers that I had already published books with who were big publishers passed on that book. So I had a big publisher who had first right of refusal on my next nonfiction, meaning you have to send it to them and if they want it, they can have it and they passed on girl, wash your face so hilarious because after it came out, of course, they reached out and they were like. Why didn't we see this? Why and were? Like here's? The email where you said you didn't want it like that. You didn't get it and you didn't wanna and I felt like it was something cool, but even even then I don't know if I would get a publisher for-

I had had a little bit of success as an author, but obviously nothing like what it is now and there were only two publishers who liked it, but that was the first time ever that I had had two separate entities offer for a book so that felt very cool and when you get an offer like that, you have meetings with That would mean going to see what their perspective is on it. So I ended up going with a publisher who is incredible. His name was brian, and am he sire and he got it and he believed in and he believed in the work and am yeah, so, we started out making the book I wrote it and then I turned it in and I think I've told the story, but this is kind of an interesting thing about them. is to be totally real. I didn't write a faith based work at all.

That was never my intention. That is very much what the book would become and a lot of ways it would be. This is a huge book in the christian space and a lot of christian And celebrities and other christian authors and preachers and they loved it and they supported it. It was never my intention- and I am so grateful for the support, but never ever saw myself as a christian offer at the time. I was an offer who had been raised inside of christianity, and I talked about that a lot and I shared my stories. I talked about church. I talked about god who talked about lessons and I did

really understand that I think a lot of ways. The reason that the publisher wanted the book was because they wanted to publish it as a christian title and when you get close to the release of something I'm you choose like three categories for it to be listed in, and I think the publisher, the the highest category was like christian nonfiction or chris self help or something, and I was so freaked out cause. I was like. Oh I will this, is it terrible idea because I can't be a poster child for that. I am not going to do that. Well, I'm for sure going to fail at this like this, just not the route that I want to go more on that in a minute I wrote the book

and then and the first moment I knew like oh, this is a little, maybe not the right spot. For me, I got at its back on the book my first round edits and day basic

I found issue or wanted to remove or change anything that didn't sort of fit into a very conservative narrative and very specifically, there is a chapter in the book chapter, nineteen, where I told the story of my two best friends who are women who got married to each other, and I mean I wrote this in twenty sixteen, but still twenty. Sixteen, it's not nineteen. Sixteen and there were just like you can't put that in a book. You cannot talk about gay marriage in a book. You cannot talk about homosexuality. I referenced my friends who both worked for a christian church at the time and the church was horrible to them and did really awful things, but when they found out that they were together and

I talked about that in the chapter and they were like not only. This is not an edit like we're removing chapter nineteen from the book, and I was like why it like. I was so naive, and I didn't even know that you could do that. I thought that authors had control of their work and that yeah you can edit it, but not that you could just remove whole parts of it. So so freaked out- and I was just let me added it like just live lex- roulettes work through this and we can go. Back and forth and back and forth, and I think that me we must have done six rounds just on chapter nineteen and they finally came back and the editor was like word no less we're. Just we have to remove this. Our readers are not gonna, be ok. and I remember- and I am positive you guys- that they would deny this forever. But I remember her telling me I'd gone one like my heart, sir

until a pound and like forward in my chest. I don't think I've ever said this publicly, but our we're going to a meeting. they had found me out. I was gonna, go meet with a team and talk, but the book is getting closer to launch and our member that my editor, me up- and I remember she said we're talking about this chapter and she's sick. You can't say this in the book was like rachel: You don't understand, you are going to be so famous you're going to be so famous and you're gonna make so much money and people are gonna, love this and they're going to love you. But not. If you talk about gay marriage, and I I felt like I felt like it was just like one of those moments in life. Where, like the devil, I mean talk about the devil like standing on your shoulder. I was like this is so gross even saying right now my someone's getting sick cause. I just thought this is so gross that a person would actually have the balls to save it.

Wow out loud, especially because you know the chapter is literally about my best friends. It was so nuts and she's like your thing that people do. I mean obviously like we're fine with that, but, like you can't publicly like put that out- and I was like this is disgusting, so I left that trip feeling really discouraged and when I got back, I got an email saying we're removing the chapter we ve talked as a team. There's no way the chapter, even with these, at its can be, there were removing chapter nineteen and I devastated. I went so crazy. I literally was like I'm gonna, give back my advance and they were like it doesnt matter like their own. The rights to this book,

I was like okay. Then I'm going to take the entire advance and I'm going to publicly donated to the trevor project. I'm to do so. I'm gonna make such a big stink about this and do so much press about how shitty this is and my agent at the How was like you are going to destroy any career. You have, as a writer like no one is going to work with you. If you publicly go after this publisher- and I was like I didn't what to do and I felt so grows and I ended up with how to Jan again- and I was like do I do like you- ve, been in this world along time- you're the one who encourage me to write this book. What do I do and she said you fight and I was like I have fought like they told me. I have no choice like you, we know, and I should like you fight harder. fight harder and you don't take no for an answer, and you know I'm such a good girl and such a people pleaser that I it just didn't occur to me that I could even

Push back again and just say like no does not can be a thing so didn't even interact with my editor anymore, and I went back to Brian it was the head of everyone whose everyone's boss, I went back to him, I sent him an email and just said: look I am devastated by this and I was very intentional by the way of putting it in email. Cuz it's like. I am writing all of this out in email, so that, if need be, you know this could be published in a newspaper, but I'm just like I'm devastated by this, and the fact that you're, using censorship to to you know push forth a narrative. If we just

I second wanna talk about christianity. The foundation of that faith is love thy neighbor, not let's ignore whole parts of our population that don't identify the same way that we do, which is all of it, was like this. So I have sent this long email and god bless him. He fought to keep the chapter in and chapter nineteen is in girl wash your face and it's all so, I have a a a nineteen tattooed on my wrist and I went and got that tattoo with my girlfriends with sammy beans. We all have nineteen tattooed somewhere on your body. Would As a reminder to stand up for what you believe in and when you find yourself in those big situations, I had never been in a situation like that before I never had such a big opportunity. I never had someone give me so much money. something like I felt really

fear and not able to advocate for myself- and it was a huge lifeless and for me and probably the bigger life lesson is not my willingness to stand up for myself in the moment, the bigger lifeless and is don't get that far down the road with partners that you don't really understand what their intentions are. I sort of assumed hey if you're buying a book for me. You know me, you know I'm outspoken, I am liberal, you know I'm accepting I'm non judgmental like everybody's welcome here. That's all part of the picture of me as a brand, and I assumed that if they were gonna, do a book with me that they were cool with all of that and I think it was sort of like well. Let us just shape you into what we think will be palatable,

so the book came out and as much as it wasn't my intention, it definitely was sold into a lot of bookstores as a christian title,. which I want to be really clear. There's nothing wrong with being a christian author with having a christian title with doing christian work. The problem is that if you don't, I dare to fires that it's like false advertising. It's going to upset your audience because, People are already when you create something people are not ever going to see the creation as it is there going to see it through the lens that they are. I say this a lot like if you You read garage or phase as a new mom and you really identified with the new mom stuff in there. You I didn't

to find me as like your mom friend. If you read girl, stop apologizing, which is all about work and goals and entrepreneurship, and that sort of how you came into my ecosphere than you think of me as like. Oh yeah, she's, an entrepreneur like I am, and that's what I'm here to learn from her and then potentially I get annoyed if you're here to talk about business and I'm talking about being a mom and vice versa. Your stay at home, mom and I'm talking about you know my ten best tips for you know that side. Hustle, like that, my buggy cause you're like wait. I thought this was what you were going to do and I think a lot of people can be really successful, just kind of doing one thing, but it's never going to be I just would get bored with that as a writer, if I'm only ever writing about one thing I just feel like I was bored with the end, you for sure, as a reader would get bored with it,

I think, a lot of ways that community really was incredible, but then I feel like its probable That, if you were more conservative me, you know, and you follow me. I probably disappointing you real fast because gosh, I remember. Ah I will never forget. I am the book was promoted by candice cameron and I remember thinking a while ago and I didn't really know her career and I didn't really know how conservative she was. I had I was like oh dj- tanner promoted my book now remember this five years ago, guys somewhat. How dj tanner promoted my book, that's amazing she and posted and on social, and she was like you have to get this. It's so great

Why- and I remember I added like touring fifty thousand followers on instagram overnight. It was insane and I was like a whole week I like dj tanner like this is amazing. This is gonna, be epic. not understanding. I had no idea where her brand was. I had no idea how conservative she is and therefore how conservative her fans are, and so it never occurred to me like oh dang The wrong kind of audience has just joined this community, not that they are wrong or bad people, but if they are expecting one, for me and then get something else completely. It's gonna go awry. I think it's worth saying for many of you who are in a year for nor you have an online community you're, putting so out into the world the world will

how you owe you ve got keep adding fans adding fans bill community. Add to your list. Do as not true, you don't want any fans. You don't want any number, you don't want anybody up in the mix. You want people that are like yeah. I get I'm picking up what you're putting down like MRS my I jam and I don't have to agree with you on everything but like there are things inside of what you're saying that like I dig, because if you add the wrong kind of people to the mix, that's when you're just you're asking for some kind of war, which essentially happened like ten days later. So imagine I got all these new fans unbeknownst to me extremely conservative fans and literally like a week and half later, I'm sitting on my patio and I had it was right when wine

wanted to be inside of cans and had been at the grocery store. I think it was like h e b, and I saw this like pinot grigio and ken. It was like really pretty and I was like. Oh, I wanna try this wine in a can. That sounds stupid, but you guys are talking about this is like pre white claw, so it wasn't as popular to see alcohol that- isn't beer in a can? Anyway, I'm sitting on my patio it's a warm day. I try this wine in a can, which we just you know whatever, and it was pretty, and I took a picture. I think I owe a selfie or something was just like me with a can of wine, and I said, like cheers: y'all have a good weekend. Something simple like that. Oh I had no idea. I had no idea. I I broke the internet by having a can of wine in a photo because all of those conservative fans that had just joined this.

Just ride the common section, she asked murder like throwing scriptures. Me, you are a sinner. You are a false prophets. You know a guy we. Women is clean, like a godly woman. Would never let alcohol touch her lips. I was like yo. What was Jesus is first miracle by ok that it will. so wild, I didn't, I mean arms southern, so we I mean southern being raised in a christian my family can come about a oklahoma and arkansas on promise you we will like some alcohol. Yeah it was wild. I never, out and they were like how dare you promote drinking as it was. People are so upset and.

can look at it now and laugh cause. I'm like this is bonkers. You don't even know me, but at the time all of it was new. The attention was into the followers were new people, believing that I was like this. You know an example like all of that stuff was new to me. So when all these people are like, you are garbage, how dare you have wine? I was devastated I felt like I had failed. I felt like, oh my god. Am I a bad person? Is god mad at me? Am I nuts, but it was. It was nuts yeah that was like a little taste of what would come because I I even tell you to have a million and a half fans on instagram and when that book came out, I probably had one hundred thousand so that's kind of how much it's grown. Maybe yeah it was pretty. It was pretty nuts, I think.

What's interesting about grow, wash your face is that it wasn't immediately successful to a lot of people. Dont know that it took three months before it had the new york times less. It was when it first came out. Its old twelve thousand copy, which is amazing, was a most had ever sold, but it was. In italy in other publishers warrant super pumped about like I just coming Ok, okay, you know we'll see, but it just It was worth a mouth, it was you guys, telling your friends and passing along to your sister and buying a copy. You know for the people at work like it was the most amazing word of mouth thing and it took a few months for it to become successful. and for me everything was about making. I just want to make near at times this. It was such a goal in my head.

And I'm not going to say let go of such a stupid gone. It doesn't matter because it did not matter to me as an offer. I think most office would tell you that the really big title to get, but I had never thought passed, hitting that less. I thought you make the list and no doubt So I remember it: it gone less that maybe like number seven. And then the next week it wasn't number six and then it was up to five. Every week the publisher would update me on the status. And the higher got the more nervous I got the more uncomfortable I got. I started to really thanks to. Does the cause you're, always getting so excited, and I in my head I was like. Oh wait. No, no! No! No! No! No! I didn't plan for this. This is not part of my goal. This is not the vision to get to number one. I just wanted to be able to say new york times best

or in fact I didn't need any other book ever to make the list. Because I was like I got the title: that's all I was going for, but it just kept climbing and climbing climbing and every week it would sell more and more copies. I was like this is crazy and then it made number one and then it just stayed there. It stayed there. It stayed there and I was just like the more successful. The book is like a very distinct moment. In my mind. It was like it hit this point where any success path past that point no longer felt exciting. It felt terrifying because the more successful it became the more people got involved. The more my publisher, like more people, were put onto my team at the publisher and then like pub

sir said you know everyone's now, looking in everyone's, like so into the numbers so into the numbers I wanna watch selling how's. He doing they were all talking about it and at some point I was like I don't want to know you hat. Take me off these aims, cause. I don't wanna know where it is, unless I don't want to know how much it selling, because it it really made me so nervous, because I just felt like before this was about this dream. I had and then sold enough copies pretty early on that I had paid back my advance. My advance for that book was a hundred and twenty five thousand dollars was the most I had ever been

aid for anything ever and I was like this is two years salary three year salary. For one thing, it was so much money to me and I was so like wholly crap. If these people pay me this much money and the book fails, I just I failed them, and so as soon as I had made back that money for the publisher of, like I'm good, like I've paid you back your money, but it just kept going and it just more and more people were involved and everyone's calling- and I just I hated it guys- I'm not gonna lie. I really hated that feeling and I lived in it for about two years, and I understand I I think that years ago, if I had heard someone say this, I would be like screw you that this is bs like to have success and then say that you hate it like whatever. I cannot explain it.

Until you're in it yourself, it so overwhelming, it's so overwhelming and for people I when I was little I used to dream like oh some day, you know I'll do something where people will know my name and when people started to come up to me at the coffee, shop or the airport or whatever so silent. I thought it was so cool and then more and more people came up to me and more and more people came up to me and the interesting thing about that book in particular is because I wrote about a lot of really hard things that people immediately I mean immediately when even tell me, their name did walk up to me in public and say the most awful things you ve ever heard. I remember some of the worst ones and I dont want to save them. In case people happened to be listening but

they would tell me their common. Their tommo just fall out of their mouth in the grocery store. Holding a toddler you know at the airport like and they'd start bawling and I had no idea how to, handle. I had no idea, and so I would like hold space for people because it felt like the right thing to do, but then you would have a string Your literally processing trot, they had never even talk about with the therapist with me a starbucks and I felt such a massive wave of responsibility in that. And I didn't want to let anybody down, and so I just like a lived in there and I was travelling conflict as I was getting book to speak everywhere. Travelling when travelling to. I would enter people all the time and then you know I was book to speak. There would be a vip line where you could pay or like they'd. Let people common like take pictures and then would take three hours like. I had no boundaries. I know

andrews at all. I didn't know that I was laid down boundaries and I didn't know that I could say to someone: no, you can't have a picture of me right now in five years, since that book came out, I've only said no two times, and it probably should have said no more. But once was coming home on like a red. I had spoken all day at a conference and then like two hours of the vip line and woman was in the vip line, so had taken a picture throughout the event. Then, when I was in line on the airplane to come home and again, I had been on all day and she had seen me so she see me speak and we ve been in line with me. And then I was getting on the airplane and in line for the airplane, she was like rage like hey it at us. I'm talking to her second gets more pictures. I didn't really like the angle:

as of early on, I was like yeah, I don't care whatever like we're chatting. I take a bunch of selfies with her. We get on the plane three hour flight back. I think we got in around midnight, I'm exhausted even We don't have anyone looking at me. I was like a zombie I'm dead on my feet. I stand up and am waiting to get off the plane, and this woman pushes her way to the fat of the plane. And is like rachel. The lighting wasn't good and the last like can. I just get some more pictures and I looked at her like dad and I was like no, I can't I can't take it anymore photos and she was like Ok and all that was like four years ago and I still feel badly about the fucking people, please or in me who I still am like this. I'm haunted I'm haunted by that.

The second time that ever told people know was, I had spoken at a conference, the people the conference figured out where I was staying, I mean like fifty people. where and hung out in the lobby of the hotel, and am were drunk. Super drunk and I had gone out to dinner after I had spoken at this conference and came The lobby and I remembered like getting out of the car and walk into the lobby and being like wow. That's a lot of people in this lobby like it's going off. Ok, because it was,

a half at hand, it was something random and get inside and the whole lobby screams and realising that all these people were there for me and I was so overwhelmed and so exhausted and just like incapable and again this has been for years, and I still feel bad that owes a picture of people goes. The people for me the there some small child part of me that says, be a good girl. Don't let anybody be mad at you? It doesn't matter. If you want to do this, you know like this: is your job like go? Do this thing and I think, that mentality

a really really really why I burned out so bad in twenty nineteen, just like two years of opening veins, unlike just giving giving giving giving giving and I had dreams for- two years you guys is was wild. Any of you were therapists are going to like love this. I had dreams for two years that I was looking at my dead body and crows were just picking my flesh apart and like all of these crows were like so fat, and they were just like getting fat by like eating me. One piece at a. So that is part of what happened with with the success of those but coming from such scarcity. When it comes to money like growing up in such food scarcity, and

natural scarcity in you know, if any of you I know so many of you have been in those situations, and maybe some of you are in those situations now, where you do not know how you gonna make right. You don't know where the next meals coming from as a little kid like maybe have memories of going to the kitchen. There's no food there and there's like not hope of food gonna come there and you know what it felt like till I go school and might be on the special lunch programme in You know you never had the right food for, like the class parties, like the other kids would have like cup takes that they would be cookies whenever you just like, never had ages. I heard if you ve ever been hungry the no never before, and I used to identify with that so much because I just thought man if you can be. If you have money we could just have money than you'd be safe right then. Wouldn't have to worry about your rant as

No girl, all I had ever wanted, was to be able to go into a target and buy anything. I wanted from target cause target was like rich people write like

we were at the goodwill we were maybe at walmart but like if you were at target, you were doing. You are living high on the hog, as all I ever wanted was to be able to shop at target. Without I remember in second grade my mom took me to target to get back to school outfit. I still remember literally every single part of it cause. It was such a huge deal to get it one outfit for back to school, that it was knew that it wasn't a hand me down and that it was from target. Thank you for asking. It was leggings that were like floral print, pink and purple and then a t shirt that was purple, but you flipped the sleeves. You guys remember this and then, as you flip, the sleeves and inside the sleeves are another color, so as a purple shirt but like with the pink cuffs on the sleeves and then socks and keds, remember at keds or like whatever the target version of like those just those plain white tennis shoes and I got pink and purple socks.

Was all the rage to wear two socks at once. You know like pink and purple, and then I got these dangly heart earrings, which I wish I still had because I feel like they would still be fantastic yeah. It was never was never a goal to like be this like. Oh I'm gonna, billion, I'm gonna do no. I just wanted the financial security cannot be afraid. I cannot be afraid that was like the goal once you pay off your advance for a book deal you get royalties. So they pay you above and beyond, like without hundred twenty four thousand. They pay you above and beyond that, and our six figures as a royal teacher, and I just stared at it and I started sobbing, because I remember that I had this.

Immediate thought that I would never have to worry about making payroll again. that's all. I thought I will never have to worry about. whether or not I can pay my invoice that that was it. I had at that point been an honour for more for you, no fifteen years and if any of your entrepreneurs who have employs, I'm guessing there are times when you're like cashflows real, tight We don't know if we're going to be able to make payroll and it it it's a sick feeling in your stomach. It's so horrible, and I had worried about that for years years and years and years and that check and I thought I'm never gonna have to worry about that again cause. It was such a high,

birth that I thought I'm golden now. If any of you are fair piss. You also are probably wondering this same thing. My therapist was when I told her the story which was rachel. Why did you see it? AK for something you had done and immediately earmark it for other people. That is a fantastic question, y'all and, and one that I have spent many years working through and feel like. I probably will still spend a lot of time working through and if I could give you any with on that. If you potentially find yourself in a similar situation, it's well. I think it's probably people.

Learn a lot of ways I feel like there was a lot of guilt associated with that kind of success like why I've done this thing and it's more than any person deserves to have, and so I will just use it for other people. which is, I think, really beautiful and really pure and I'm proud of being that kind of person, I also know and can look at the situation over the last five years. Since the book came out that then the structure of things Financially be came about me, performing, go right, something go stand on stage, grosbeak go, do we're gonna, do a conference or any do another conference, and then there was this: like in june, or machine kind of built around that. and I didn't know better, and I mean

however- and I can figure anything out solves like august- all keep going all hustle harder all workers or I'll drink, more caffeine, I'll take on another speaking do all of these things and so much I'm really good at making money an equally good at not keeping it. not because I am spending not because I'm buying a golden jet or getting yachts or doing crazy things, but because I just I thought this is the way it supposed to be like there was a business built around me making money and because I was really good at doing things that made money. there, wasn't a lot of checking to make sure that the business was actually contributing to that, and so any time

The things were as good or weren't as successful or whatever. There was never a moment of like okay, we're going to slow down and we're going to we're going to be smart about this, we're going to make smart decisions we're going to make sure and it was never that it was, will add something else to your calendar. That will then give us a check that then we can adjust. It was so much freaking pressure and I think a hundred per cent contributed to lake everything that came after contributed to like twenty twenty in what it was like to what we have six conferences on the books for twenty that we were unable to do in. company that one hundred percent should have gone bankrupt. But again I was like all just hustle

figure it out. All I don't know it's been a crazy. It's been a crazy ride. It has been a crazy ride of what it did for me for my business. For me as an nor for me as a human being- and I know that this is gonna sound, like bs, but I really believe all this happened because There were a lot of lessons that I needed to learn about who I am and what I believe in And where I was ignorant and where I trusted the wrong people, where I needed boundaries. There were so many lessons that I needed to learn that I.

Would not have learned unless it was on the biggest fucking scale. I believe that I think I sort of me to be punched upside the head by the universe, because. guide, the god of everyone's like screaming. Like hello, hey, hey, hey sister, hay and then I'm just like. I know I could do it. I could achieve my way. I could like you do enough. The people love me and a sort of filling. Only way, then was gonna learn. What I needed to learn to be. The woman I am today is too is to go through her on the big scale. Yeah, Have no idea what that might have look like from the outside to all fewer watching, but on the inside it did not feel good. It did a year. I was them on a trip

for my birthday, I was with two of my best friends and my boyfriend, and we were at dinner and I asked the group what was your favorite year of the last ten years and was very interesting. What everyone said But my favorite year of the last ten years was twenty seventeen twenty seventeen me was so naive: joss, bright eyed and bushy tailed and just. then, no just dumb as a box of rocks and didn't know what was coming and didn't know how hard it was going to be, and. Didn't know all the ways it would stretch and push and broaden yeah twenty seventeen was my favorite you're just because it was gentle. Most peaceful, I remember, being in a hotel room, was sammy one. My best friend who was with me at the same table, were asking this question. But samuel

we're in a hotel room in like san francisco and I think we're doing a meet up or something maybe some of you were. There was at a wine bar. You guys remember that ramona you just do meet ups like hayward, It is wine bar if he goes on to come. but we had a wine bar. I think it was san Fran and my lit agent called to tell me that you know I'd gotten an offer for girl wash your face and it was a hundred and twenty five thousand dollars, and I remember Sammy I Shit ourselves, we could not believe the offer. This is the most. Like we're rich for ever and we were like wine for everyone, like you, put this popped out, just a sweet naivete of that, but, alas yeah those wild all of that therapy session. Thank you. I will send you as a cheque for this therapy session. All of that was from

in question- and I do want to answer the other question that I really think is interesting. The team sent me like ten, but I think that the other part of this that is very interesting is which pieces of grow wash your face. Do I still believe, I think it's girl. hard rising. I write a chapter about you know hey. I hope that you guys read this ten years from now and you're like burma. None of that sounds like you, like, you're, completely different person. I feel like I'm doing my life correctly. I always evolve. Past work. That was you know it's five years old Six years old from when I wrote, as I mean, I'm a thousand different people. I have changed a thousand times in six years, so their pieces of grow wash your face, that I really still believe deeply and their pieces that I might you ve got it all in one talk about that next, but

I am aware that I have accidently done a full hour on one question, so we're in a split this into two parts and if your listening to it jump over to part two and I we can, we can do that one together next but yeah. That's what we're gonna talk about in the next episode the rachel Hollis podcast is produced by me, Rachel Hollis, it's edited by andrew weller and jack noble.