This message is sponsored by discover. Did you know you could reduce the number of unwanted calls and emails with online privacy protection? The latest innovation from discover, discover what Help regularly remove your personal info, like your name and address from ten popular people search webs It's that could sell your data and they'll. Do it for free activate in the discover see terms and learn more at discovered dot com, slash online privacy protection. today on something you should know how much halloween and indeed think, gets thrown away every year. You'll be amazed, then

how little things make or break a relationship like saying. Thank you for being appreciative and tell your partner how they can shine. You tell them what you do want to do, rather than what you don't want them to do. People have a much easier time hearing of the need, also why people are not watching and judging you the way you think and the fascinating world of graveyards and cemeteries. There's so much you don't know, for instance, there's even in a secondary market for graves, so people who have a site that's near marilyn monroe- can sell their site in one case for millions of dollars on. I think it was on Ebay all this today on something you should know this message: is sponsored by discover. Did you know

You could reduce the number of unwanted calls and emails with online privacy protection, the latest innovation. from discover discover what Help regularly remove your personal info, like your name and address from ten popular people search webs It's that could sell your data and they'll. Do it for free activate in the discover see terms and learn more at discovered dot com, slash online privacy, protection. Something you should now fascinating and tell the world's top experts and practical advice. You can use your life at something. You should now make a rather high this episode is being published right around halloween time and, as it turns out some

a hundred and seventy two million americans will celebrate halloween this year and ninety five percent of those people will buy candy with each person spending, but twenty seven dollars and fifty five cents, average. Now here is surprising statistic this rule. Surprised me every americans throw away about four hundred million dollars worth of uneven candy from trick or treating that's a lot of wasted, candy, One solution to that would be to stop giving away candy the kids that they don't like in the first place. So interesting lay there regional differences in terms of what candies kids like in the? U s, but here are the top ten candies overall in the united states, and if you stick to these the chances are not so much will go to waste. Recent

peanut butter, cups, skittles, eminence star, burst hot tamales, sour patch, kids, hershey's, kisses snickers, tutsi pops and candy corps, By those candies and kids are a lot less likely to throw away and I'll put that list of candies the top ten list of candies in the show notes, and that is something you should know for as long as there have been couples in love, there has been conflict in love which often leads to more cuts. Which leads to more problems in the relationship. And anyone who has been in a relationship knows that's pretty much inevitable and for many here's psychologists, John gottman and his wife Julie, have been helping people and have really become recognised, is true experts when it comes in dealing with conflict in relationships-

john and Julia founders of the gottman institute, and they have a new best selling book out that Jesus zoomed up the amazon charts the moment it was released. Its call beloved prescription seven days to more intimacy connection, enjoy an julie Admin is here to discuss how we can all deal better with conflict in our relationships. I Julie welcome thanks for being here. I might thanks for inviting me you're. So as you look at this one, Is it about couples? What is it that, typically was wrong, where things presumably interrelationships, start out pretty good, and then something happens in your mind, I think the biggest problem is that people don't take relationships, one or one in high school, and so Nobody really knows how to manage conflict in a way that works, successful

and maintains calmness and a gentle town. While people are talking about a problem they have, it happens instead is criticism, is contempt, defensiveness and all those cars. Much more hostility pain misunderstanding, especially during conflict. People also don't work on how to create more positivity in their relationship. By expressing appreciation were thanks or asking each other big questions, so they can stay in touch with for their part and raise those are some of the issues. So if couple really wanted to make an effort like what what's the thing that kickstart biggest bang for your book in trying to it turn a relationship around. That's that's in trouble.

All things often can make a big difference in the long run and by small things, what I mean is recognising, when your partner is making a bid for. Your attention or your interest or perhaps a deeper need they may have and learning that turning towards the partner, which means responding in a positive way to your partner rather than there are totally ignoring them or turning against them. By responding with hostility, will mean. The huge difference, huge difference in relationship we found in our research in a lab that looked like an apartment where couples worth videotape for twelve hours. At a time we found that the partners who turned

towards each other by responding positively to their partners bids for connection succeeded in the relationship and the folks that turn towards each other, who were successful did so Eighty six percent of the time. Six years later, they were successful in their relationship. The folks who it not who turned away or ignored their partner or turned against their partner with hostility. Their partner asked them to do something. Those folks lead turned towards each other positively. Thirty, three percent of the time. And that strongly predicted couples breaking up so Let me explain how easy this is, I say to John wow: look that beautiful bird that is so cool as I'm looking at the window John can either say: wow. There's a cool bird

Now, how long did it take about two seconds or he can only nor me or here can say, stop interrupting me. I'm trying to read so little wow that his beautiful is all it takes to begin, to change the relationship in a positive direction if their practiced fairly consistently talk about the importance of empathy in a really Kinship empathy means naming what you think is the other person's feelings and then having some validation, which sounds while no wonder you're feeling so angry I get it or man. That would really make me anxious to get it. understand so you're, actually going a little bit deeper

and you're, not not not solving the problem for your partner. A lot of people make the mistake of jumping first thing and saying: have you thought about doing x or why or z, and typically what in so doing is cutting off the speaking partner from actually really talking about what there are living inside, which is you know the emotional world there. Having related stress what they're really feeling or just immediately giving shoved into problem solving and they're not ready for that year and then, if your partner ass, what do you think I oughta do then that's the time to maybe offer up solutions. One of your suggestions seems so small, and that is to say thanks.

Why is that? What is that do? What's the magic that maybe isn't so obvious to doing that? We, have seen that people who really notice what their partner is doing right in the relationship have em much more successful relationship, then those who don't notice what your partner is doing right. Let me give you an example that comes from the research. A pair of reach yours name, robinson and price, did a study where they put independent observers in two couples: homes- and they noticed there. The couples who had a six his relationship years later noticed about ninety eight percent of what their partner was doing right and as yet by the observer.

Who was watching the couple. However, in homes where the couple was distressed and didn't end, abstaining together The partners only noticed fifty percent of what the other person was doing right, so it makes a huge difference, first of all, to be aware to look for what your partner is doing right and that's a habit of mind. You'd have to form right than just looking for what your partner is doing wrong and then. Secondly, when we hear thank you, we feel appreciated and because we feel pre shaded, which is kind of a warm, loving feeling. we want to do more to get that appreciation. So what tat means is your creating a cycle in which do something right. Europe,

her set? Thank you and appreciates it. You do it more? You do more. That is right. You hear more thank yous and so on, so you, creating a really positive culture within the home that feels great, for both of you, which is great advice but I think the problem, a lot of people in couples have is remembering to keep looking for the positive keep those positive glasses on and see what they do positively rat then find all the things they do wrong. Listen, MIKE you're absolutely right. You know this culture that we live in this country is very critical. Culture

criticism is used all the time when kids, your parenting criticism, is used in school all a wave from kindergarten up through college. and criticism, is used, it work, you know, constructive criticism so what that teaches us and what we internalize is always to pay it essential to what we ourselves are doing wrong and what everybody else is doing wrong. It's a struggle to break their habit, but I think, if you really work at it. You practice ha interest in the kitchen today my husband made the coffee. He makes it every. Yea, and so you can say. Thank you. Thank you for making the coffee I've been saying that to John for the last thirty five years, but do you have to remember

Oh, I really need to remember to thank him for the coffee, because that really helps our relationship or is. Does it become more part of just the kind of organic flow of conversation? I think First, it almost feels a little funny because it your natural way of interacting so yeah you do have to force it a little bit because? It's not something you're used to, but ass for a time if you continue to practice it and you are also receiving it from your partner. So you know how good it feels you wanna do it more, and it becomes much more of a habit. So it's really do developing a new habit of mind, we're talking about we're talking about how the little things make such a big difference in relationships and I'm speaking with julie, gottman. The name of her book is the love prescription.

Seven days to more intimacy connection enjoy. This episode is brought to you by smart. Their banks ways to be smart during the holiday season, getting the shop and generally not sitting here and next to your mom and sacking on smartly popular its air pop popcorn, tossing delicious white churches or sweet and salty kettle corn. You are wouldn t welcome to the smart club shop now at snacks, dot, com, Technology, let you take a life changing and very brief vacation in space, but to get work done here on earth, You need more than technology. You need see w to design and managers, cisco, hybrid, work, solution that delivers the same, secure network experience and with stronger, consistent conduct, but he that empowers your team. They can collaborate from your headquarters in here. Into your satellite office. In jupiter, florida, cisco makes hybrid work possible. Seedy w makes a powerful.

learn more seated, cdw com, slash Cisco, so Julie, it's interesting how we all know we don't like to be criticised, and yet we have no proof from criticising our partner, because it just because we do right and we want things to be perfect and sometimes especially early in marriage or what ship We want to make our partners a clone of us, so we them all the things they're doing wrong, because it's not who we are, which is a big mistake: actually because if your partner is a clone of you, you're gonna get bored very fast. So, Oh it's very important to look at europe. and there a separate person.

Her own unique personality, trades lifestyle preferences and I is held in rich the relationship with their different points of view or the different ways they handle situations you say a date night is really important. What why I mean I mean we ve all heard that oh, you should have a date night with your spouse, because that's you, her time in it so easy to forget to do it and the like people who knew it, but what? What makes it so special like there was a study done it. You see allay where they timed. How much couples talk to one another over course of a week and do career couples only talk to each other. Thirty five minutes a week isn't that incredible,

and most of those conversations were a checklist you know have he called them: Where did you attend the teacher conference in there? Just a big checklist, sir what happens after awhile is your life becomes drudgery and your relationship as part of their so day it is an opportunity for just the two of you with nobody else, just the two of you catching up with each other talking about how the weak went on, or the highlights. What, with the low light, you know really making more emotional connection with one another without constantly being interrupted by the to do list and that keeping up with one another is the opportunity for people to keep knowing each other as the partners

each changing over the course of time you stay two with one another, you know what your partner is feeling about: different aspects of their life and your life together and You can also talk sometimes about dreams you may have for the future, or ways that your lives could be. Now lots of stuff to talk about you just have to make the time for it. I have to ask you, do you and John ever fight, or is it always? he's very nice flowing. perceptions, were we just trying to support each other, or do you ever scream at each other? Go no dammit! No, of course is absolutely we are all in the same suit. You know The thing I like to tell people is that you know, John and I are not gurus we're not.

salute experts, we make mistakes all the time as a matter of fact, in every apple workshop that we ve done over the last twenty five years. We are ways process. A recent fight that we had in full of the audience just directly in front of the audience. So they can understand how the process you know a past regrettable incident and were never at a lack for those who suffer, Of course we have them. Were human beings, just like all of us to talk about the need for asking for what you need, because I think people don't really get that our know how to do that in a way that that they think we'll work. Yes There is a formula for doing that. So what is the way to say what you need: here's, how and we got this from the three

thousand couples that we studied in our labs. We didn't then this this is what the successful couples do. They start with, I feel, some emotion, I'm angry. For example, I'm nervous, I'm anxious, I'm upset, or I'm stressed then bout, what what is the situation they discuss? Let the situation neutral way without blame or criticism so that a sound, like I'm worried that the bill, those haven't been paid yet so it's not. You haven't paid the bill snow, pointing the finger at them, but the bills haven't been. paid there's a new dent in the car.

It is a mass. You just described the situation that Europe set about then last step, you state your positive need and what I mean by positive need is tell your partner how they can shine for you tell them what you do want them to do, rather than and what you resent or don't want them to do. People a much easier time. Hearing a positive need, then a resentment which is gonna end up feeling like criticism bobby in them. Meant, it's so hard to remember, to say it that way: sure, of course, MIKE criticism is always the first thing that comes to our mind. You're, so lazy, you never clean up the kitchen etc

so again its practice, the stuff joy, ass practice or think of the big message here and you said it right at the beginning that it's it's these little things that really matter. in there. I think they matter. People have heard that the limits the little things that count, but it's been then I think people even realise that is true those little things pose either the beauty or disaster of our relationship one of the small things that you talk about. That, I think, is really interesting and I think people have a sense of is the the power and the importance of touch touch something that is so so deeply needed by people that if you take infants,

and you deprive them of touch. They have a much higher chance of actually dying there was an experiment, our not an experiment and obsolete. nation done in an orphanage compared to another. And in one orphanage the babies, were touched and held and rocked in the other orphanage they weren't, both of them, fed the baby's kept them dry, and so one. But there was much higher sickness and death rate in the baby You were not touched and we do not out role the need for touch. We need cuddling We need affection. We need sex too, but that other kind of touch, just the warmth, releases oxytocin, which is the hormonal bonding in our bodies

So if you have somebody for twenty second you're getting a bit dose of this wonder Oh bonding hormone, move, through your body making you better and warm there's a woman named tiffany field who did research in florida on touch for cash, probably thirty years and she found that affectionate touch reduces oppression reduced anxiety create, more binding a course creates more joy in a relationship. so why not or even over me, most of us have heard about how the little things make a difference in, but but it's good reminded of it, especially by someone like you who really studies this, because so easy to forget to do that. things, because you know you

you got a lot to do and in its good too, like refocus back on that. So I appreciate you spending the time I've been speaking with Julie, gottman. She is a psychologist and she and her husband, John gottman, our founders of the gottman institute, and there authors of the new bestselling book. Love prescription, seven east, more intimacy connection and joy and there's a linked book and shone out. Thank you julie. Thank you. So much mike. It's been a real pleasure talking with you socks the number one most requested item in homeless, shelters, underwear as the second shirts or third that bombers socks were first made with to details for everyday wearing, then underwear insurance to all designed to perfectly thin at bombers. every item you purchase means your donating, an essential clothing items to someone in need, one comfortable clothing item four, you one don't it to someone in need. Bombers, comfort for all get twenty posts,

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and in many ways cemeteries are very interesting places for a lot of spooky and non spooky reasons here to discuss. This is gregg melville he's in door, journalist in former editor at men's journal and sports field magazines and he's author Book called over my dead body unearthing they. in the history of america cemeteries, I greatly welcome to something you should know Four have me it's great to be here. So, first of all, what may a cemetery, a cemetery because we have other terms seemingly older terms like graveyard or bear you'll ground. How is different, and a cemetery, that's a great question, and actually so It is an old term, but it's one that generally wasn't used anywhere. Really in the united states. Cemeteries were basically called graveyards and burial ground until the early eighteen hundreds, and that's when that first on time,

cemetery that became the first city park, mount auburn in cambridge Massachusetts, when it was aid and its creator had a hard time selling people on the idea of a cemetery, not only the need first for where was going to be built. But then customers tip to be buried there. So he wanted to create this fancy name for it, and so instead of calling it a graveyard or a burial ground. He called it a cemetery and marketed as a cemetery as this new place, and the word and name caught on from there. So are cemetery cemeteries, they ve always been kind of the way they are and in america, and that's just cemeteries The cemeteries in america today are actually very different or is the burial customs today different than they were a hundred years ago or two hundred years ago, and we do so. I have this all american style format to how we

remember and memorialize and bury the dead. So how have power of the cost, and traditions of burying the dead. Basically, how have they changed over time? Well, a hundred and forty four thousand cemeteries in america roughly and each one has its own styles or lay out design or story an end? But really so? This idea that we at every person gets a grave and every person gets a gravestone kind of every person gets a trophy in the afterlife. That's right We only about a hundred and fifty years old prior to that. Cemeteries were largely rip. the tories for the dead where they were, a fuse stones that would stand up from the ground with out of bodies inside them and then today, actually cremation has overtaken burials as far as how people want there

I guess eternal remains to be disposed. Why is that? Why have so many people decided to be cremated rather than buried? I'll bet you that number is a lot higher than it was just what probably, twenty years ago, yet, Is it in the number of creations is growing rather lee and and a terry's in some ways are kind. dying there. Looking for ways to survive and- and I have to say that cemeteries do kind of get up a bum, and I understand that cause of all the dead people in them. But Are these amazing places of history and culture and everything I the reason why the dead cremation, is, is overtaking part of it is obviously the environmental side. Bird then part of it is also that we find other ways to come. if memorialize ourselves, Sur facebook, for instance, harry a lot more data on our lives and provide this kind of digital. We're tally? That's very different from us

the data that is stored on a gravestone. What what I find interesting? It well a couple things like a lot of cemeteries, When you go there during the day, I mean they're beautiful there like parks there like gorgeous, that did a flower in the trees and all that it is it's a lot takes on a much spook year kind of image. It. But cemeteries are like a place to go in and a place to go to visit the graves of loved ones and yet Many people will say: well, I know that not really here, but there's something about visiting their grave. That people like to do, which I suspected relatively recent finger or no, it is it in really, and this kind of an american thing too, that there is this eternal resting place in a lot of places like you, over in europe, you'll find some of the great cemeteries there that

because they run out of room. It's almost like temporary space and then the bones can be removed later on that space can be used for someone else, but in america, We have this kind of idea, of individuality and life and death that really permeates cemeteries. We Where did the idea that cemeteries are spooky amene? Obviously, this dead people buried there, but the idea it's connected to halloween and in it, and it's like spirits goblins in ghosts were: how did that happen? Take for instance, the burial hill, where the pilgrims bury their dead, the gray Stones were very ominous and spooky and gothic and scary, and, and it skulls on them and and even the writing. If you go to plymouth message, if you see them and it like here liath, it looks very, very

shakespearian as it was actually created, the time of shakespeare, that's really kind of the oldest existing european. Cemetery in the united states, and if you look, the roots of the sport yes go straight to there and the gray stones there and probably been carried on ever since when you go, to europe. You go to england, you see the graves and a lot of church grounds. Old churches have graves around the church. and now we have stand, Own cemeteries, where there is no church, involve it's just a place where people are buried. Where in america wended in america did that idea. stand alone, cemetery start well very firsts kind of big standalone cemetery in united states was Aubrey cemetery in cambridge mass and it became the first city park in the car.

because at that time nature was seen as something to be conquered and not conserve, but people needed a place to go outside of boston in order to that they were looking for. Place to a kind of have a picnic in recreate, and so the cemetery became, Similarly, the second leading tourist attraction in the car, Besides, niagara falls and people from all over the world came to visit it royalty celebrities and whose justice amazed place, and then it was supplanted. It was replaced, as has this huge, Tourist attraction by another cemetery in brooklyn called greenwood, which then opened up and became kind of this. The country's first public art museum because at that time there were no art museums and the sculptures that were created and placed a tough the graves there were like a site not seen anywhere in the world, so one

people are buried. We hear the term six feet under is that is at about writer of our people buried six feet below the surface. I always, If they were because horror movies always told me that it was six feet under and and lure always told me and then before my senior year of college, I worked in the cemetery in my home town and bedford massachusetts, and I learned that is not the case. Necessarily, red generally between four and five feet in most places, because six feet is really deepen, takes a long time to dig. Even if you have machinery to do it, graves can collapse if there that deep, It was really something that probably star during a plague in london centuries ago that they specified burials had to be six feet deep. In order to protect people from the health hazards of plague and also to put act from grave robbers and animals from being up the graves.

generally in the united states. No, it is not six feet, it's more like for fighting in the history cemeteries are their ones that really stand out as being transfer national or or really important, cemeteries, theirs material, in LOS angeles, that was basically the first theme park in america, and lay out was used to basically by walt disney, create disneyland disney was later buried in the cemetery force is called forest lawn memorial park, but then also, most importantly, you how the national cemeteries gettysburg in Arlington, which caused it. Matic shift in how we preserve the dead. How,

bury the dead and how we look at death in america and really profound way, and so I want to go back to forest law that you spoke about a moment ago. I cause, I don't, think I get how cemetery be a theme park and how disneyland was kind of patterned after it and walt disney, is then very there get put that altogether. For me, a theme park is, is a park where people go to that is based around a specific, seem so not very farm is considered kind of the first park. Disneyland is a theme park as opposed to an amusement park. and really they were they both popped up after forest law. Enforced lawn basically looks a country club, it's on the side of a mountain and its well grassy with all of the headstones place down there. There are no trash cans or anything like that that you can see there are concerned, didn t look like logs there

speakers that pipe music throughout the the cemetery and it has these amazing buildings where there are these incredible power, things and sculpture. So it's it's like it has art and also it has capel's where there are weddings, including Ronald Reagan was married and one in nineteen forty and they look like they're out of cinderella and so this because The number one tourist attraction in california for close to four decades only to be replaced by using land itself and nineteen in an early nineteenth fifties dressing. It just seems like an odd idea to me, did to me cemetery, be so not and cemetery light and really what the? Creator of that symmetry was trying to do was sell this idea of sick,

already in eternal, there are any eternal rest and really that would be surrounded with themes of patriotism and god ends. Colonel life, and he wanted to place where many p, would come to to to visit, even if they had no one there. Even today, there are no loved one there. Even today, up about a million people a year come just to visit the sights of forest lawn. He changed every attitude towards cemeteries at that time and then also to lay out of cemeteries cause many follow that same kind of open, green country club space. Look even the name force lawn memorial park is to draw people's attention away from death when they go there for buying a grave and also to visit it supposed to be a place of life. A cunt, like I said, kind of a country club, looking place

so he very much try to de emphasised death, even though there are tens of thousands of people buried there. So you say the civil war chain, the way we view death in many ways. The way we death in many ways in the? U s so talk about that at the time the civil war, a good ass in the united states was considered a death. Were you died at home in what was called the death room at that I'm which later was changed to the living room could sounds better frankly, but you were surrounded by your friends and family and the dying person would what their last words which would be recorded, and then friends and family would take that person in up generally, pine box carry them to the churchyard nor the yard of the house of worship and and them, and that was considered the good death that was part of leading someone to salvation, but

civil war, there were a lot of people who didn't SARA Lee. It was not a good death right beyond those battlefield. so lincoln had to create or redefine the good death? And he does that in the gettysburg address when he is dedicating the gettysburg national cemetery there by talking about the people who consecrate the ground, just by being, there so a change this idea of the good death and made it so that It wasn't necessarily something that was in the home, which then kind of brought about the rise of funeral homes after that the civil war itself brought about the rise of embalming because lincoln was did soldiers to be able to trip, get transported back in their families still preserved, and so at that time,

embalming was a very rare method that was just used in europe in some places in the united states to preserve bodies for medical schools at then then became had spread. I want to talk about tombstones because that's like a whole business in and of itself and tombstones can get very elaborate and what we're, the word that all begin really the use of tombstones because popular with the creation of the church of england when it broke off from the catholic church and at that time people could mutually pay indulgences in order to ensure that they could get into Heaven. But the indulgences disappeared. It was one of the reasons for the creation of the church of england so well to do people at that time and they needed other ways to grease the skids for getting into Heaven,

and one of them was to create these ostentatious gravestones that would extol their virtues, two generations to come, so that people could see airworthiness and the reason why they should be saved is certainly in the movies in and around halloween you here. This is the stories of grave robbing is. Was that really a big problem? And at some point and, if so when, and why in and talk about the sure, if you go back to seventeen, hundreds and eighteen hundreds in the united states, cemeteries were rife with grave robbing this story about John Hancock, one of the original seiners of the declaration of independence, who, when he was buried in Boston's granary, burial ground. Within a day. His grave was up in the rings were stolen from his fingers and really

also, during the early nineteenth century medical staff, were known in a lot of cities to steal graves, because there were not enough cadavers to go around as medical school suddenly proliferated, and so they were clubs like harvard university, where two people would go out night, and they would go to a cemetery in one would stand look out in the other, one would dig up a body and they would bring it back to the medical school, so they could use as cadavers fur dissecting it was. That was one of the reasons why the Cemeteries became on tethered from the churchyards and were placed on the outskirts of towns, starting in the mid eighteen hundreds because it was just so There were so many bodies there and were served such rich targets in the middle of cities that the expanded outwards. How else have cemeteries impact in america, american history over the years.

Really cemeteries word the first cultural I'll ground in the cold war, so those material that with that, so many of us have visited in europe in nor de in other places where the battlefields were those were designed, specifically with the intent of babbling. Communism to serve as symbols of american might and frankly about christianity and how that prevails or should prevail over communism and fascism, and when look at those cemeteries and how their laid out and the symbolism of religion mixed with kind of the might of american Soldiers and earnestness is really pretty remarkable and the the intent that went behind that because they understood that these where symbols that would last for generations and generations and would be forever implanted,

into the countryside in some way countries in europe and stay and as american soil one thing I've always fun interesting in any kind of get it. But it's still a little weird to me is how a lot of people are attracted to celebrity graves that and they visit them. They make trips to visit the graves of famous people, write and and there's even a secondary market for graves, so people who have say, a site, That's near marilyn Monroe can sell their their sight, fur, in the case for millions of dollar, sir, on, I think it was on Ebay and so yeah that even the the idea of being buried in proximity to a star is really something that's sought. After, while listening to you it's really

amazing. How of cemeteries have played such an interesting role in american history in american culture and its particularly interests? to hear it around halloween I've been speaking with gregg melville in the name of it, book is over my dead body, unearthing, the hidden history of america. Cemeteries and, if you'd like to read it, there is a link to that book at amazon, the show notes, thank you for being here. Gregg thanks. So much appreciate it the she'll scientists call it the imaginary spotlight it's when you're doing something, and you think everyone's watching you and judging you for example, if you're at a jim and you're working out on a fitness machine, you can start to think that other people are watching how you're doing it, but guess what then

just as you're not watching them they're not watching you. The fact is that people think about us and judge us a lot less than we think, because most people are thinking about themselves and their activities. In other words, other people are just not that into you. This is according to David Alan, whose author of a book called. I can't believe I just did that and he says it port to realise this, because we often avoid taking a risk for fear of what other people will think. But you should pay, just go ahead, and do it anyway, because No one really cares they're, all too wrapped up in their own lives, and that is something you should know. who could help us by spreading the word about this podcasting telling other people about it and getting them to listen just one person, it would be a great way for you to support this podcast. I might carruthers thanks for listening today, to something you should know,

join hollow, to offer actionable advice from the brightest minds in the world on the young and profiting podcast author and academic arthur Brooks on what success is. The husband was confessing to his wife that he might as well be dead and I'm thinking whoa what's wrong. With this guy, I turned around to get a look and it turns out to be one of the most famous men in the world. The world tells you that if you are profiting money, power, pleasure, fame, you're going to be happy and that's a bogus formula, the young and profiting podcast wherever you listen,