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U s, t dot, ceo, hey! This is Annie and samantha, I'm not going stephen ever told you your production of iheartradio samantha. Do you know what the twenty twenty two miriam webster a word of the year is oh woke, I know well, it might be for another dictionary publication source, but not for marian Webster. What is the world could? Have you got? It is gas lighting? Oh ok, yes, southern word of the year is gaslight egg. I have seen some very interesting takes about that. I find it interesting. The word of the year. I always find kind of interesting because I feel it gas lighting has been a big thing:

for a long time in our modern parlance, but I've. I'm surprised it's like twenty twenty two when they're like okay, this is the word of the year. But you know we got a going on the reason I thought woke is because I knew they were being snide about what was. Being right now in like politics and twitter, an older. So I was tried. I couldn't remember cause like, of course, we'll come back to it, but, like this whole, like Anti awoke thing has kind of but gaslight it goes, it goes there yeah it's in there yeah. Well, I mean that's. That's kind of the like the branching reactions, I've seen to it. A lot of it has been that sort of like eu sou bu you poor food gas lighting, but I'm like yours for PA can't lose a lot of one of emotional sounds like ours

and give it all. Is me and brigitte. Awhile back did an episode on. Fighting wanna one history of it. So please enjoy this conflict episode the price. This is Annie emphasis budget, and this is stuff. I told you and we want to set out today with a trigger warning for everyone to be talking about gap biting which is a form of mental and emotional of you. So if that is the trigger for you probably best that you skip this episode, yeah right. So, let's start with a death,

Listen sally yeah. I wonder of most people are familiar with that protein. I I don't know, but when someone explained it to me, it was like so many things found a place because I think a lot of people experience this They don't realize that they have yeah, sometimes giving folks a name for what they are experiencing or have experienced can be very liberating can be sorted out, that's what it lies, yeah and you can search pinpoint the behaviors okay, so from encyclopaedia Britannica gas lighting and elaborate and insidious technique of deception and psychological manipulation, usually practised by a single deceiver, gas later on a single victim over an extended period. Its effect is to gradually undermine the victims, confidence in his own ability to distinguish the truth from falsehood right from wrong or reality from appearance. thereby rendering him pathologically dependent on the gas later in his thinkings or felix. Oh so the definition

it rewrite. It really does, and you read that definition, it is almost impossible to not look back on europe. Prior relationships are family relationships are friendships or whatever, and think of that person. Who treated me we're like made me feel really weird. I always question, and I ok, crazy. Am I oversensitive my blowing up nothing. You know that person who filled with self doubt it's easy. back and say: oh that's what was happening? Yeah exam The new touched on a lot of common phrases. You might hear and for me, when I learned with the says, there's someone my family's really good at this and I like once I learned what it is now when, when it comes out, I'm I'm able to blake say no, no, I'm being perfectly reasonable and how behaving you can't just dismiss me so that the goal of gas lighting is to make you doubt your own ability to percy reality

and some common phrases that you might here. Are you sure you're remembering that correctly you know you a bad memory, you're making up again you're too sensitive, like you, said bridges and never find someone is good. Is me it's all in your head. It slowly chip away at the target self esteem, and it's so so so so effective so effective that it's a frequent tool of dictators and cult leaders- oh that actually sounds familiar to me- does it actually might be someone who is a who you might think of as a bit of a dictator?

I heard that doing that now I won't say the names, but we might say some names are another part of this is the illusory truth effect and that's when someone believes something mostly because they've heard it so much before this is really problematic in a lot of things, but it comes up in politics. If you just hear something over and over, you start to believe it. Even if you've only heard it like from one person saying it over and over again so gaslighting touches on that, because if someone repeatedly tells you oh you're, you're, overreacting or being sensitive over time, you're going to start to think in europe like, I guess, I'm overreacting, I'm being sensitive, and this is different than the occasional like differences in memory, air denials or blackout, drunk behaviour, everyday gas lighting, as it's called. This could be human error defensiveness, but that doesn't mean it isn't harmful, but today we're gonna, mostly focus on deliberate use of gas lighting.

Yeah. It's funny you mention blackout. Drunk, we haven't, got a great examples from pop culture, but there is one that sticks in my mind. Just this book grow on a train yeah. I am. I am pretty open about my love of three like when you and you're someone who drinks or that you have a new substances that message. Memory that can be its own, weird and was a guest, fighting, but it is a bit where you you kind of are dependent on others. Round you to fill in the call what I do last night or what happened last night or whatever, and how sort of that can leave you kind of vulnerable for that kind of behavior, sometimes gas lighting a gas later will Is that to their advantage or too like further want to control the other person. So, if you're dependent on a substance than they might like, both encourage you to get

more addicted and then like blame you for it and also of like yeah control, the narrative of what what did you do it grown a train is a great example of that or that's image of that spoiler alert. Yeah. We haven't been out for a couple for awhile. Oh boy five year Gas lighting comes from nineteen thirty nine british stage play called gaslight, which was later produce into two films. The uk is nineteen, forty gaslight and nineteen forty four in the: u s under the same name, starring ingrid bergmann and the pot of movies about an abusive husband doing his best to convince his wife she's, losing her mind. He does so by convincing her she's a kleptomaniac and sound she's hearing in the dimming up the gaslights She is seeing her on her head, so she won't know with our The truth is that Her husband, who was married to Ingrid vermin characters at is china.

Fine, the families loss jewels that hidden in the house, oh yeah, he murdered the add, by the way, for the dual yeah, no biggie, no biggie. They just goes to show how it's all about controlling our ability to perceive things realistically and that he uses that as a way to conceal his own bad behaviour. Yeah exactly it's your flipping in her out to usually when its and relationships since it it's to hide like cheating or if you ve got like a gambling addiction, and you want to turn you want to put the script around and put it on the other person, so the this movie it pretty much encapsulates it and it did become the term she finally realizes at the end, she clings to the fact. Like these gas lights are damning, these glass lights are damning. and the only way she like realises that. Yes, they are damning. She is not losing your mind is when the police show up at the end, and they said

if the gas lights are dim, yeah, I'm not crazy yeah, which is why an important thing is to have like a support group or people outside of that relationship. That can verify the truth, for you yeah. I had a friend who had a major gas lighter in her life and one of the ways that the person used gas lighting was by trying to make her think her her own friends like her that's outside sources that the usa, trying to break down the trust there yeah, and so this person would say things to her. Like you know, will your friend agree? I talked to your friend and they agree with me and it's like? No, they didn't that's a made up thing, but by if you say that enough, you start to not trust the people that you that is your as your support system in your trust, the studio outside people, and so I really was able to see that the tactic of isolating yeah make her feel like they were the only person that would tell her the truth and be real with her

they were all she had and that the people that she grew up with that you consider that her sisters, I could support we are actually I'm talking about her. I you know boss, she's been crazy, yeah, and that is a hallmark of a gas later. They will try to bring in your support group. Neither dyke breakdown the trust with them are even say, like well. Annie agrees with me that, even though I dont like I'm just gonna groups, use me to further their their control and the relationship, their parent relationship and sends gaslight, the movie came out, there's now so many examples of this in media and one of the biggest known recent ones. That may be who watched it didn't pinpoint is just a joke. Was the bane villain in that kill? Grave? Is gas lighting or all the time he's telling her without, like, as he does have

special powers, but without using them. As he's telling her like this is what happened? You are remembering things wrong. I know happened, you don't know what happened and she even uses a technique that some survivors are are is helpful for some survivors to come back gaslighting, where she recites the names of her old streets to like reinforce her truth to like remind herself. No, this is this I know this is the guy flights in gaslight yeah exactly it's interesting, so like finding something that you can cling to if you ve seen that such a thing and we is like that movie. That's kind of tat ball, anyone loved it could it be where they go into people's dreams haven't doing phobia is absolutely were they haven't had a thing you know. This is how I know that we are not it's interesting. How finding that tangible thing that you can

linked to that. You know this. This demonstrates my ability to perceive reality correctly. That seems to be a recurring theme with fighting and her and how you can combat it. Another example and reveals that I ran into your allows the chairman jail. Oh yeah, the chair, which is based on true story of using thou numbered. It sounds familiar, have isolated. What's about it, about Angelina jolie, I think it's a it's a kind of a period piece, maybe night. Nineteen twenties nineteen forties, I'm probably way off, but in this century period piece she loses her child and like weeks pass and the police are like hey, we found your kid and she's like that. Is not my kid like nope. It really is that your kid can't believe you can't remember him. You must be a terrible, mom and she's. Just like everyone's telling me that my kid I know this is not my kid. He doesn't fit in like the same clothes, but the police go to epic links.

to convince you that that is their kid or that she has lost her mind. She had set an insane asylum and why they do this. I think, because were embarrassed. I known the true story that that kid died is like twenty. They found, kids in a grave or something they were trying to cover up some kind of embarrassing failure on their part by gas lighting surely in getting are lacking an insane asylum as you do. When does that's a lot like by flight plans? which is a terrible movie. But I thought that the increasing flight plan, no basically by plan not good movie, but I did see the theatre jody faster, She arrives too, an airport with her child, but the child is scared to go through to say she hide them and she hides the child. I think it's a girl under her coat security videos, don't jump we're going out with a care the kiddies later kidnapped. I think a terrorist or something and they basically to try to convince her, though, like you didn't, have a kid tunic, why, of course

because she's a woman, I'm crazy. You know I'm We hope that the victims of gas lighting it not as our own, when I made interesting how, particularly in pop culture when it is women, women are so quick to beat to think I am quoting quote crazy- guy something's wrong with me- I like you're right my perception of howdy is warped. I wondered the gendered thing I would say so, and we are going to touch on that a little bit more later. But I do think women are more likely to be dismissed as baby are hormonal is at that time of the month, for you like yeah, blaming it on on those types of things, and I think that women largely have internalized that and maybe are more quick to blame those types of things as well, especially like that. I think about nagging all the time that, like your nagging wife and I

think. A lot lot of women are afraid to have that label and afraid of that label in general. In so, even if this is I mentioned, for my thirty page on the dishes. I thirty page as its, even if you're totally right to like ask for help, and it comes present nagging. I think Ria. That says the term that has been very useful for getting out of doing the dishes, among other things, you leave this thing. This should. I am we're. Debacle, has allowed alleys opinion that would be like a tenth mimic meets, is mostly dissolving into ended, nodded, one more thing I want to touch on in the movie. Verse of gas fighting is on a lot of horror movies, like the shining clockwork orange purposefully, I the audience by making cuts

the errors, so that you're never quite sure that I fear maybe it and see that the shining is ultimate example of that, because when you watch that movie, I at least for me- I find myself pausing going back and thinking I just how flashes of something very. Durbin deny, and you have to go back and make sure that you did in fact does pretty effectively for gas. Fighting me suddenly rubric chronically gas fighting is classified as a type of narcissistic abuse, particularly malignant narcissist. In this case, the narcissists uses the target for validation and esteem while simultaneously detesting The targets of victimhood had is gradual, starting out small, but eventually leading to depression. Anxiety in isolation in the target, making him or her even more dependent- and here are some of the hall. arcs telling outright lies by doing so. By setting the bar so high with something. That's like obviously false statement,

the gas wider undermined your ability to know. If anything else they say is true or not. All of the lies they invoke include among you care about. Like we mentioned this person agrees with me. She thinks you're acting too sometimes the survivor community. This is called a flying monkey because you're kind of sticking your flying monkeys, I'm on them intuitive. You know, building a network of people who You will rely on to undermine the victims. Sense of reality himself, yeah exactly at the same time they call people and the media that call into question the reality. their feeding you liars if it is in opposition to what they're telling you sounds kind of familiar, isn't denial something they better did, even if you produce proof, even in the face of outright proof, and once again, this set you off balance, she question your reality. Trivialization of your feelings, gas lighters, often attack things they care about their actions, don't match their words.

occasionally they offer a kind word, some words of encouragement and can reminds me of the site. well of abuse as well, where it's like, oh I'll, never do it again. I love you and all of these things like I failed this one time, but then it's it's a cycle, and they do this to confuse you because then you're like well. They said this nice about me, or maybe they're, not all bad. How could they be bad he's being so nice to me now? How could he be an abusive person when he's making me feel so good? In this moment, I must have had him all wrong. I must be sensitive. I must be misunderstanding. The situation yeah exactly and it further confuses you and confusion- is the best friend of A finer gas fighters often protect their own feelings or issues turn around on you say you're, the wrong dearer. They might act, hurt that you ve accuse them of such a thing they dismissed. He was crazy hormonal.

How dare you say that about me? I would never do that. I mean you must be really out of your mind. You should I worry about your mental health. If that's, if that's really what you think yeah exactly yup and it to extremes when the gas letters question here, she may resort to threats of physical abuse, especially if, like they sense that their whole game might be up in the techniques commonly deployed by gas. Lighters are things like withholding, and this is why the guest lighter refuses to listen to share motions. Veins lack of interest are under. ending costs example. This is I'm not listening to this again tonight. Countering are questioning the targets reality you

wrong about that last time you have no right active imagination. He never believed in me. I feel like that. One is probably really common in relationships where there's infidelity hang. You know. Oh yeah you're so paranoia your substantial s. Yeah now, as I am I've had people in my life use that one you know tat obscure, cheating again, if you say it over and over and over again, a europe really jealous you're, really jealous totally jealous over and over and over again, you know, you're getting upset about nothing, venting things to be upset about because you're jealous and paranoid, even if your not jealous so that amount of angels prison, but someone fang at all, over and over again and I'm apology I think, for this person who was like cheating on me because I'm, how like I'm I'm doesn't mean I'm you know how you know me, I'm just so jealous romania and if we say tat are not actually jealous and actual you the hearing me, but it's interesting. How meeting. Those countering

claims over and over again can really. You can really internalize them yeah. I definitely think that player in a friend's relationship where he would call her tell if all the time- and he would even go so far as to be like well. I saw you hanging out with this one dude like one time like, maybe you're the one yeah. Maybe I should be looking and know what you're doing it's pretty insidious, there's blocking diverting, which has flipping the conversation around to question the target, so the you're hurting me on purpose. Or stop nagging me trivializing dismissing the thoughts or feelings and the gas the the target of the gas lighting and denial. I have to take this you're, making this up stuff like that, as we've kind of touched on it can take place in all sorts of relationships in the workplace within a family with significant other a lot of times. It's a partner trying to hide a relationship. It can take place in a lot of different settings and it seems like something that's kind of fairly common. According to the national domestic violence hotline around eighty percent

Well, that call in had experienced some type of mental health coercion. Some of this in terms of gas fighting that they list on their site include constant. Second, guessing yourself feelings of confusion, asking yourself it we're being too sensitive multiple times a day, constantly apologizing to your gas, lighter consular excusing and gas fighters behaviour or withholding information from friends. You want to make excuses, you can't quite articulate that something is wrong, telling lies to avoid getting put down or having the rug poor from underneath. You are having a hard time indecisions, given that you used to be we're confident and relaxed person. Feeling, like you, can't do anything right and feeling like you're, constantly letting your partner down. When I was on this website, I saw at the top. I had instructions for quick exiting of the website not being able to return, by using the back button for they have. Someone came up behind you, two annexes, that's very real! The other broke my heart, So gas lighting has a really long history and we're going to talk about it after a quick break from a word from our sponsor,

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our history from the first peoples to famous places and insides only locals would no doubt let's talk. I know right now, I'm all about these boxes and taking a dark, but sooner than you think, I'm out of here. I want to go to college out of state or start a business in an industry that doesn't even exist yet my allowance ain't gonna cut it so well. I met my most adorable and asking you. To download the you nest app and start saving for my future, the units that puts smart investing tools right in the palm of your hand and the funds in your nest account can be used for anything from college to it to building a nest egg to use for other things where your kids, plus you can grow you must account by making purchases from top brands like disney, plus indoor dashed portion, our union, sceptically, your friends and family can help grow. Your child's account down the unit staff and use the code. I hard twenty five at sign up to receive a twenty five dollar bonus. When you find your account

It's code: I heart twenty five, when you sign up at: u n e s, t dot ceo for a twenty five dollar bonus, see terms and conditions at eunice, dot, co. emma back and he spoke there, Ok, governing probably honestly has been taking place as long as people have had relationships with each other and joined them let each other. By one example, I found of it that I loved was HANS christian andersen, the emperor new clothes and, if you don't remember, only a vague memories of the disney movie, this fairy tale revolves around an emperor who loved his close to the point you spent all of his money on them and to then there is gained down one day claiming that they made fabrics more wonderful than anything you ve ever seen, and you can see is fabrics. It meant you shouldn't, have your job. Is europe incompetent course the emperor wanted them because by putting them on

not only figure out like who thought he was unfit for duty, but he does have you looking super super fly, so he paid the swindlers a huge amount of cash for some new clothes with the most magnificent fabric and the swindler set up to big looms and got to weaving with him. Bull read non nonexistent thread under the fabric, one to ask how they were doing it. He didn't because he didn't want to appear stupid as if he thought himself, incompetent, because he couldn't see the fabric and the emperor caused. The trustee on his town minister describe what he sees, but the minister is afraid of the same thing. He doesn't want be called stupid for his job. So he's like oh wow, how beautiful look at this fabric and the emperor is like? Oh boy, I dunno. I can't see anything it calls in more officials and the trusted officials say the same thing cause. They also don't want to appear stupid, so the emperor pretends he can see them too, and the swindlers up the price they say we gotta. We are going to need more fabric, the emperor's advisers early. Why? This is the most beautiful thing you ve, gotta, wear it and your procession: that's coming up an emperor

If the swindlers finish the clothes they held them out, describing them as light as spider's web as if you're wearing I think, I'm sure they were very like a guy foreigner. ever undressed and they helped him put them on They like a little miming thing every I him on all. Maybe he, where did the procession completely naked and everyone except the kids If, like is please naked, but all the adultery like now we're good. Our job vacancy, I bought a funny kind of let's go lighting? I'm not national, but well scale, yeah kind of the same, all these people buying in. If we fast forward past the play and found we mentioned at the beginning, anti eighty one, a psychologist named edward vine, shoal road nautical called some clinical consequences of interjection gas lighting.

An interjection was the term used to explain the transfer of psychic conflicts, one person externalize and projects and the other person incorporates and assemblies books and self help blogs about, had a shot gas fighting down proliferated raided sooner. It was strategies like narrative repair that relies on a counter story, and the most research and articles have been about gas fighting in relationships recently, more assertive of nationwide attention society white attention- I guess take this quote from Shea emma fat over everyday feminism. She writes. I believe that gas is happening culturally and interpersonal on an unprecedented scale and that this is the result of a societal framework where we pretend everyone is equal while trying simultaneously to preserve inequality, and that is something I definitely definitely feel in my experience. This is folks who Things like oh for all, equal now, the races are all equal and fell. Why add me as a woman of color and experiencing inequality. The nation is sort refuse

to agree that this is happening, and so it is interesting and part of it is that you internalize out and you think I'm oversensitive. I I'm making it so easy to start this downright like someone saying, everything about rays, which people have rode into this very protests. That about me- and you know it's really quite something to have people. I insist that we are living in an equal nation, equal fur, on along spectrums of gender race, ex rowdy class. It's really quite rich to have those people say. Oh you everything about race. When we live in a country where Everything is about re right. It's way, interesting that people use that tactic in it. If it does feel a bit like fighting o, absolutely yeah fact what you say you make everything about raises its just a way of its similar to the boy friend telling you like you're just jealous, like it

the way to just say, nope, we're all equal here are the ones that tell fighting about trying to stir something up and shame effect on everyday feminism. She wrote that a lot about that and she wrote that minorities that face stereotypes Mental capacity are particularly prone to gaslighting, oh yeah yeah and the more widespread the term become the more deluded the meaning and the more often its use to gaslight, almost eight monies, utter around rational disagreement. And we're talking more on a societal and cultural level. Now, although this can happen in relationships and we'll get into this. After one last break forward from our sponsor I love the freshness of spring in spite of ants like spring break in graduation and some new clothes to make those occasions, extra special might go to lose bloom this has quality on trend items that feel as good as they look. There are so many style to choose from four graduation and lulus has everything I need for spring break, create in it

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I ran over the mailbox again, but through it all you want to give them everything and, with the usa, it's easy to start saving for your child's future. We put smart investing tools right in the palm of your hand. You now provides incredible flexibility. Whether you saving for college or building a nest egg to use for other things, for your kids, you can grow UNESCO account by earning rewards from over a hundred fifty top brands like disney plus and door dash, or share your unit skipping link with friends and family for birthdays and holidays. So they can contribute to your child's account down, the nest. App and use the code I hard twenty five at sign up to receive a twenty five dollar bonus. When you fund your account, that's code, I hard twenty five when you sign up at: u n e s, t dot c, o for a twenty five dollar bonus, see terms and conditions at eunice, dot, co and we're back. Thank you, sir, and this brings us to virgin has been with us. I have. I have anything to give me that

at not have that book cause I'm raring to go, but all this angst jump right into it for donald trump. I guess later in chief I would agree with the rigid I remember cause. I started out just reading, basically how the podcast started, as I was researching that that was the first thing I was talking about with like signs of a gas lighter, and I was like huh How does it it all sounded very familiar if you like me, probably seen headlines and on past year, so that pretty much the same thing like donald is gaslighting america from teen vogue. The trump campaign's war on reality made me question what I saw from the washington post, I'm a republican. Why is my party gaslighting america from politico? So we're not the one once I made this connection, but not the only ones and some of you

You thinking wait a minute, donald trump that gaslighting the country. I've actually seen headlines that question that and that that pushback on this narrative that he that we're being gas lighted on a national scale by our current president, as we talked about in this episode, a hallmark of gaslighting is trying to make you believe things that are not true, even when presented with prove just today. Donald trump was presented with a video of him, saying something he did not say and still clings to. They re like donald trump war, say things that are vera. I ve rail things where it's like, oh you're, on video or oh here is proof or oh, we have a photo of you doing this and who say now I didn't do it and and its become its own kind of reality in a kind of way, because this is a small example, but, like him lying about, outside of inauguration kelleam we said, he's preventing alternative fats. numbers are numbers

you say a number and the different numbers higher or lower. Even if that is not an alternative to the us, is how these things work. Another example is that the trump administration contends that sixty five people died in her came rio and kyoto rico and harvard university. Cannot the study just this week that sad? Actually, that number is more like four thousand over four thousand, and his administration basically is refusing to to acknowledge these plain facts. Yes, and when they are presented with the obvious prove it becomes fake media news, which we touched on beginning that that is one of the hallmarks of a gas laser missing the thing that counters your narrative, yeah and making you on federal on all kilter, because you are seeing this blatant proof and vetoed know that throng

and to make things about race again, as I always do, because you know, that's not think about the way that trump talks about people of color in this country, he'll go on tv and say things that are blatant. racist and then I'll say. Oh corn called the black are doing better there than they have so. Not only is that, like not you, you break them a number, that's actually not a true thing in and of itself, but he will get on tv and say people of color doing great under my administration, while simultaneously being really racist, he doesn't with women who get he'll get on tv and say why you're making more money than they have ever made under my administration, while at the same time rat about grabbing women by their body by trade, and so it is a way of saying of sort of denying a kind of victimhood away where we all can see that you are doing things that are not ok, but you. refusing to let that be, How are you winger,

by using it against us absolutely and allow the things we in talking about do match up with the behaviour of germany's cap, and the demersal of reality, the constant refrain of fake news, the contradictions, the undermining of the press, the outright lies, this all adds up to the so called post truth era, where a lot of us feel they are very unbalanced very like daily grind I I think I have talked about this a little bit on the show, but my post election vibe was very much that way that I felt in a kind of way that I couldn't I was having trouble the sounds like an exaggeration, but am not exaggerating. I felt like I was having trouble grasping reality and under ending what reality reality, because I've had, I feel, like I probably wouldn't like never recovered. I feel like. I spend a lot of time seeing things and thinking like what you know. It's it's it and I think that possible homeward, they say that's a hallmark of of you know bad rulers politically that they are

erwhelm the pillar citizenry with so many things? like how could that be all that's awful? How could that be? How could that be where, by the end of it, you know like up, is That is why you don't know. What's why it your best bet? According to some articles, we found a kind of combat this. Constant. Delusion of what is Howdy is the fact, checked everything everything educate yourself on what outlets are reputable and communications? Professor militias indoors has compiled tits recognising fake, are misleading new sites, as well as the thirty p, spreadsheet of these sites. It's really helpful. I had a lot to say about this as somebody who has worked in journalism in media alot. The way we talk about fake news this could be its own episode, but so fake news you are really familiar with media. You know when some of this fake news, like you, know what they mean it's a very specific thing, but because we live in the eighteen and donald trump as our president, big news, but almost lost its meaning.

but when a reputable new source gets ever were wrong and they retract it, which you know it's a dragon. It happens. It's not fake news that happens and You know when so are good examples. When a bc released this report out of michael flynn and that they ended up having to retract they retracted it, they apologized, they said here's what we got wrong. The reporter who who presented that report was suspended. All the things that were supposed to happen happened, you know, Then you should be able to trust your media and your and your journalists just like any other profession and there they will make errors mistake, then there's a protocol for that held up fake news, and so the fact that that is sort of conflated with stories at her flat out bogus you now story saying that Hillary Clinton is running a pedophile ring from the basement of my neighborhood dc this up, and we have proof

That is a headline there is no. There is nothing about that, that's accurate, so that is fake news, but when I see it in gets a report on it meets it retracts it takes the appropriate steps to take appropriate forever. To do that. That's not fake news and I feel like that's another way, that donald trump has been able to use this. This kind of gas lighting to confuse people that people think that a story saying that What we want in is actually a draco reptilian, you know, she's got scales under her clothes is, is par with abc getting a story wrong, yeah yeah. It's really disheartening because I've, I guess ultimately a good thing. But now, if I'm honest,

wait where I don't immediately recognize the name and don't immediately like kind of know that they're trustworthy- and I have a moment of like I better check out what this is, because it could be totally fake as an interesting thing too, because just people are willing to believe things that fall in line with what they want to believe. We asked people have her, I mean I'm gonna, try to keep it under an under control. I've got some ran about this, particularly facebook, I think, is, as you know, a corporate and it's true tat rain it in, but I would argue, is doing it badly. Can all those things on facebook? Those like back on your on this day. I was certainly a culprit for that Not that long ago I was sharing things that were bogus because they a line of my worldview at the time and I think that we realised that bubble.

That we were creating online and we did that because it felt it feel so good when you read them in Iraq? Yes, finally share yeah, and then you share in all your friends share it, and it really shows how susceptible, we all are to information and content, that's not actually real. I actually don't think it's our there is this thing I want to say on cnn, where this woman, a journalist came to her house and they said: and hey. We have proof that this facebook group that you've been a part of is actually run by russian bots and they were like here's, the proof and she she refused to believe it, and a lot of people were like that woman is so stupid. Probably we don't, really live in a country that has a media that is helps in the form, a citizen re that we could have moved a little bit past and part of me, but this woman I mean it's almost have now for a kind of way that she so easily do. And believes that so much when we just don't live in a country that make that gives people the resources

make those resources readily available for people tat, have a more critical whence I completely. I'm on the same page will be their media literacy. We want. do a whole like podcast, and that was all mediators, they memories and revive the idea that he's out of college, my leg and I have seen how I are one a one I it was on media literacy, actually isn't really fun. Course, man. Maybe we should have like a little recurring. Check in with its again. So all of this has been triggering for survivors of gas lighting relationships that dependent on gas, fighting all of the slick can a chump cabinet and just discussion of what or not, it is gas lighting and in four people that it feels very much like gas lighting who have lived through a it's been a difficult period

a rhythm guardian, arrow love offered these tips as someone who survived guess setting as a child stay defined We recognise that there will never be accountability. The gas letter will never take responsibility for their actions are come around to your point of view. I won't talk about that when briefly I have a long term relationship with a gas lighter in my life, and it's not the kind of relationship that I could have cut off and that one, I think, is super super hard, because it's so easy he to sort of get caught in this idea of I'm going to prove them wrong, and you know compile evidence, and you know the lengths. I went to try to get this person to admit that they were does that not even if they were gas letting me, but to admit that they were not telling the truth not saying something, cracked it almost was not worth my own sense of self. It almost was exhausting emotionally for me and so had

to recognise I'll, never the accountability. I want I'll, never get it. I consider my whole life waiting and this personal four b will never say. I lied about this because they want to control you and I'm sorry I'll, never get that and cutting that admit that an That is really really hard. I like a constant struggle, but I think that as people who are victims of this kind of of narcissistic abuse, it so easy He too can be a lawyer and, like I used to think like. Oh I'm gonna, I'm going to record them with my phone in my pocket, and so when they say they didn't say x, I'll play it for them and then I'll I'll I'll hold it under their nose. Will have to admit it, and I used to have these wild fantasies finally getting my my you know of getting them to admit this, and then I had to say I'll, never get it and I have to stay defiance and I have to let it go, and that's that's another another way to deal with that. You have to let go of the wish that you have two things to be different because they, probably

be different. Like my person in my life, who was a gas fired, that is how this person is, and I have kind of let go of any hope that our relationship bull be different, because this is how it is, and I have to stay defiant and and be confident about my own approach in my own anderson in situations and yes, that those boundaries that you were saying earlier say behaving in an appropriate way. What I'm asking for is completely reasonable, debated. I'm preceding the situation is reasonable and not get sucked in to this to this toxic. vibe, where this other person sets the reality, and so you be being totally normal and they're, saying that you're being unreasonable, jealous our petty or this, or that are ungrateful, like any other fill in what your gaslight arrests, angular, yeah, I've moved

firm believer that people will justify their actions and make them correct, they will do, but they have to do like the mental acrobatics. They need to do to justify what they're doing and make it okay, so people are not going, did take cannabich for things that it means admitting to themself that what what what they're doing is wrong they'll have to stop. I think that is unfair. a very rare that people would actually turn around and any I always a lot of energy trying to

change. Someone- and I have a friends who, to your point, about like producing proof that she used to have this. Like unshakable faith, I think the thing that we all kind of want to have unshakable faith in that certain things are like this, Israel. The numbers are, there's no alternative facts. This is it and to have that to present that and have it dismissed is kind of frightening and it kind of shakes your well. If I can't, if that's not going to change things, if that's going to be just shoved aside as if it's not facts, it's a difficult concept and a frightening concept to grapple with, and she said it really shook her

that she had this faith in that, and then it didn't matter yeah some at the it's tough, like none of these things are easy on another thing that Ariel recommended was develop. A healthy detachment distinguish between the world of the gas later in the real world and for me that's that's been helpful because I too have a guess later in my life. Eventually, I just had to be like he sees a different world than me, and I know that what I am saying I can verify with other people the thing that he's not saying that yeah. That's that's been helpful. Didn't my gaslight our as well, where, in my situation. There are so many flying monkeys so to speak, where it's easier for them to give it and say yeah this this What version of reality? That's not true, let's just say it's trivial re like this good, we sang to be wearing a blue shirt and say it's red and everybody just

if sheer exertions, I I guess it's red and having a little bit of detachment from that for me, has been really helpful and saying when I know that this is just how the this this is the they live in and for whatever reason they, and then some selves at this is reality, but I know reality and I know what's reasonable and I'm not going to play the game of even get caught up in the deaths, and it is hard it's very hard. It's so tempting to get sucked into it and you know get mired in it, but that attachment that love speaks to, I think, is so critical yeah and to your point, the exhaustion. That is a that's a hallmark of gaslighting. Is that eventually, you just get worn down and you're like okay in it's often compared to like the the frog, pot of water as it gets hotter and hotter. Its gradual gradually wearing you down- and I did want to include this example from the washington post store we mentioned earlier. It is about by a journalist who witnessed chumps campaign.

andrea the time, Corey Lewandowski grabbing and yanking another quarter, Michel fields, when the the they denied it outright that it ever happened and the reporter who saw it then terrorist. He started doubt what he saw because their every one else was ass, gambling are you sure you saw that even that I remember it airport or even They had never met yeah and they one Video, yes vote. in the video came out in the trump team double down, they were like yeah? That's nothing. You're all overreacting, the reporter kind of rights about how we started researching false witness accounts night. Maybe what if tintin. Am I seeing what I am? I remembering what I think, I'm remembering gradually what, if I'm not an how kind of it I am a little bit because it gave him a taste of justice

in your whole reality put into question and that's kind of with chump has been doing when he's dealing with accusations of sexual assault series like outright by that said, he's never met them. When proof exists that he had got you on camera mother, like it takes them real golf billing. I've ever met that for us it is like a well, we did meet and ok, I like it that that saying they call a narcissist prayer that didn't happen, and if it did it wasn't that bad. And if it was it's not a big deal, and if it is not my fault, and if it was, I didn't mean it, and if I did, you deserved it up pretty much. That's that's it. when we talk about recovery from gas, fighting being able to pay I'm guessing behaviors and recognising them for what they are, is a huge step. Having a support system is really vital to,

here to help you gain your footing and reality. Codependent anonymous might be helpful. Its c o d, a dot org and it's important to not to blame yourself for not having trusted yourself. Gas fighting is really effective. Then it is gradual mission. Blame yourself for that. Another tat is redirecting anchoring statements when you catch her soft romanticizing, your abuser or employing repetition of the truth in europe. However, this can be important. Something like documenting the truth seeking so validation and risk is thinking about things like doing reality. Testing, but people that you trust sort of talking to someone who you know. I can confirm that you are proceeding things accurately. the entry of relying on them to help you to help you sort through this and I read a lot of examples of bomb I keeping a journal. One thing, so, and so I am a terrible person and not I'm I'm good at these things, and he said I'm terrible. For this reason, when I know that I didn't do this, just keeping reaffirmed

in writing, that down having something that you can look too and remember like like proof, spring, is here and it's time to spikes up your look at lulus you're, one stop shop for affordable, high quality, fierce looks, lulus carries, dresses, jumpsuit sweaters choose to be set Ups, bottoms accessories and more find your new hot look for spring break vacate girls night out bachelor party wedding or night create an account at lulus dot com at use, code, lulus van twenty to save twenty percent up your purse order. That's lulus ban to zero terms and conditions apply, see lulus dot com for details? This carbon capture, you're an avid traveller like me, you ve got a download my new app otto, that's audio with a too a? U t I'll. enjoy a new way of travelling with stories activated by your location. So when you're I've been through a new town, discovering a national park or just curious about the oars

None of your studies name. You can listen to a quick three to five minutes, storing cover our history from the first peoples to famous places and insides only locals would no doubt let's talk. I know right now and all about geese boxes and taking a dark, but sooner than you think, I'm out of here. I want to go to college out of state or start a business in an industry that doesn't even exist in my allowance. Ain't gonna cut it so well, I met my most did door of all. I'm asking you download the you nest app and stirred saving for my future. The units that Morton smart, investing tools right in the palm of your hand and the funds unionist account can be used for anything from college, too, mission to building a nest egg to use for other things where your kids plus you can grow. You just account by making purchases from top brands like disney plus endure dashed, bore jerry units, gifting unit's, so friends and family can help grow. Your child's account

Although the union staff and use the code I hard twenty five, it signed up to receive a twenty five dollar bonus. When you find your account, that's code. I heart twenty five when you sign up at you and he s, t dot ceo for twenty five dollar bonus, see terms and conditions at UNESCO. if this is something that, you have dealt with, or you know, someone that has dealt with the phone number for the national domestic. Violence. Hotline is one eight hundred seven, nine, nine seven to three three: that's one, eight hundred, seven, nine, nine seven to thirty three. I can chat with someone online at the hotline dot org. Hopefully this is at least given people tools to recognise this behaviour cause. I do think that is really, Britain, I hope so too, and if you're dealing with gaslighting out there, we want to hear what what tips have you used to cope with it? How has it been for you, I'm sure it's something that can feel very isolating, and you know you don't have to deal with it alone and you shouldn't have to

that we reject the folks and we're gonna hear from you as well. Absolutely- and that brings us to mr rail, our first letters from Britain Abraham, about her journey to feminism, I'm are you sure where it began, but like one of you mentioned and budget, I think I've always been into those feminist girl power shows I loved buffy, charm, Zena, etc. One of my favorite was brought a camera such an independent female ii. That also takes care of business and fights help everyone around No matter who it is the show is the reason. I'm such a huge fan of custom fell. Cause secretive about is great chronic mars is really it is, I m pretty sure I love all of those myths into an act, but I was in my formative years as well. And still now one of the other reasons she goes on is music related. I was extremely assessed with dust child since I was in middle school, I'm twenty six years old pop are in vienna and rock music helped me get through my rough teenage here

as my parents divorced when I was in second grade later, my mom was depressed and my dad spent a lot of time in jail prison. So I didn't get a lot of guidance or attention in middle school or high school. Luckily, I turned pretty. Ok anyway, does he sounded the clear session of mine and I always had a lot of inner thoughts of being an independent young woman in doing what I wanted to do, regardless of what others or society thought of it, I'm a lady in the man s hands about me. I love I can give you an episode and ass these child. My favorite thing about destinies child is how teen an old always design those tacky, but actually amazing, costumes or will be one of them and have the pants version and one of them and have short version, one of them and had the dress you now that picture modify under two years and as a gay their album. Vertigo sticks, in my mind, is christina. Angular strips particularly can't hold us down, as a pretty epic choice. To me, when it came out, is again reinforced

girl power. Vibe that I love another obvious choice from this album is also beautiful, and I thing that a talent show nailed it to the project. Next time we do karaoke. I am going to try to push you to do that. One's really good, also, the song that she did on the mulan soundtrack is really good. Oh, my god, it's a class actually reflection I'll. Let you know that people don't think of her. but she made a lot of good thongs for young people who are going through it and make wanted to feel feeling. You know in a bottle. They didn't rub the railway and, last but not least, fighter was also very because it taught me that, no matter what I was going through, I'd make it through your k, because I was strong and can get through anything. I set my mind to so Thank you. So much for right, yeah we connected to a lot of that brittany,

either we pretty colored company that is going to be like a destiny, child flash outbursts of thinking podcast which we wouldn't wanna. Listen to that anyone who's heard me at karaoke is like me yet live a terrible thank you for that letter. I have one from Aaron aaron road just heard the episode on the nfl cheerleaders, great job and humane, But you haven't heard women. Faye quote: I have a fund in the same way a man might say I wouldn't exploit women. I have daughters. I thought I would share my experience with hearing that phrase. Surprise, we ve still lose my conservative christian college spring heralded a group of four imposed for men to the general effect of Ladys. Please cover up your son dresses. causing us. Men have impure thoughts, several arguments back and forth, and usually one that says

for your brothers in Christ and you're, making a stumble from pretty bad, but the ones I found particularly poisonous or the one from other women that had things like. I have there's an future signs, and I don't want them to be in mortal danger. This is striking because, basically tells me is that the only way a woman could have an opinion on the subject is by taking on the male gaze and speaking from that perspective, moral of the story. Sundresses are powerful weapon and the pentagon should check into deploy, if we're interested in bringing down the male gender thunderous is I've long suspected soldiers in the studio, I'm already clipped her battle. That's always get a sundress ready to go to. Thank you too. in britain. For writing. You, too can write to us and we would love to hear from you are now his a monster and how to fix it dot com and you can find as the social on instagram It's I never told you and on twitter at mom's, death, guess and thinks we're listen,

and things as always to our producers. Don't again and catching cleon This is carbon com. and if you have a traveller like me, you ve got a download my new app otto, that's audio with a too a: u t I'll enjoy a new way of travelling with stories activated by your location. So when you're driving through a new town discovering a national park or just curious about the oars None of your cities name, you can listen to a quick three to five minutes. Storing cover our history from the first peoples to famous places and insights. Only locals would nome looking forward to spring break graduation and girls nights out, get outfitted today at least, Lulu's lulu's is all about providing on trend, looks for any occasion whether it's a current trend or

the closet staple you can find it at lulus and when you make an account with lulus use code, lulus ban twenty to save twenty percent off your first order. That's lu, lu! back to zero place, your orders they at lulus dot, com terms and conditions apply, see louis, that conference details. Today's episode has brought you by a thousand and one a greedy, unrealistic new york city, story of how a mother's love and resilience makes a difference for her family, starring, tiana, taylor and britain directed by avi rockwell a thousand, and one is only in theaters march thirty. First one thousand and one follows unapologetic and free spirited. I never played by tiana taylor, who kidnaps her six year old son at terry, from the foster care system holding onto their secret and each other mother. then set out to reclaim their sense of home identity as stability in a rapidly changing new york city. A thousand, and one is only in theatres march, thirty first visit a thousand and one film tickets dot com to get your tickets now