« Ten Percent Happier with Dan Harris

#127: Lewis Howes, Former Pro-Athlete on Removing 'Mask of Masculinity'

As a former pro-football player and two sport All-American, world-record holding athlete, Lewis Howes built his life around being the tough, "get back up and play" jock, and it took him a long time to learn how to shed "The Mask of Masculinity," to realize that stamping out emotion was causing him great suffering. The 34-year-old entrepreneur and best-selling author had a breakthrough a few years ago when he opened up for the first time about a horrific childhood trauma and now Howes shares inspiring stories from brilliant business minds, athletes and influential celebrities on his podcast, "The School of Greatness."
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
For maybe see ten percent happier vodka, Dan hey guys. This interview with Lewis Louis, has really surprised me a lot of levels. I think you're gonna get a lot out of it will get to it in a minute, but first your phone calls and before we do, the phone calls a usual caveat, which is not a meditation teacher, not a mental health expert, just a journalist and a meditate. Her and I'm doing my best answer this question because I loved taken them, and I'm really excited about the fact that we started adding this to the podcast. So I just know that I don't know what the questions can be in and I'll do my best to answer it. He would go his question abroad, Japan from New York here, the question of your sort of in and out or our lapsed, possibly from medication, and you find yourself
walking to ask us for meeting are on the verge of experience in my own way, find stress and in others, other quick sort of techniques or fixes you might imply to combat that an end at ease. The lack of a better word just an overwhelming com, if you had into a situation where, without that you might normally have a negative reaction. Thanks. Thank you are two things to say: one is going to make a pitch for regular meditation practice because I dont think meditation works as well in acute situations, without a baseline of practice of a mere try, an analogy. Maybe this works, but maybe like
with physical exercise. If somebody's chasing you a mugger, you're gonna, do much better. In that case, if you ve got a baseline of running aim is true in in like you're walking into a stressful meeting with your boss or whatever and you're like oh damn. I wish I'd been meditating, more frequently for the last two years is everything all right now if you dont, have a regular meditation practice to call on any mindfulness you're gonna bring to this situation is in my view, significantly diminished, because you just your muscles- are have atrophied a little bit. That being said, all is not lost. I do think it's better to embrace summoned a meditative techniques niecks not to so. What would I do? You use that I believe, used the term overwhelming com.
now. I am not familiar with that feeling. I would a take take out of the mix, the expectation that you would ever be able to achieve that, because that to be registered again become another source of self regulation. You're gonna feel bad to achieve that. It's ok to be nervous, some actually being a little bit nervous is good. You know it can keep you in. My experience can keep your toes fact, when I'm, when I'm completely not nervous, that's usually when I make them the dumbest mister, it's so I'm a little bit and nerves makes sense to me again, I'm just being from my own personal experience here. But of course you don't want that to go too far. You wanted to go to, for example, to a pack attack. I've had that happen and it wasn't fun
so I just you know why. The recently I was on the Rachel RE show and I join geeky. Occasionally I go on these two talk chosen near standing backstage in there. You can hear the host of reading Europe seen introduction in us off the teleprompter saying, here it comes down Harrison, you don't have to walk out to be a lot of people yelling. While I find that the kind of stressful- I don't know what distressed situation you're in that stressful, but that that something that stresses me up and and honestly the things the two things that I will do in those situations that make me feel a little better, not overwhelmingly com but just little better enable just hang in there is that one is going to, Nicholas the obvious, but taking deep breaths really works is arena, why parents, myself included, tell kids take the press, it works physiologically,
psychologically so I'll do that I'll. Try not to make them too obvious, and the other thing is I'll, just employ basic, my which turning into you know if I'm feeling a little scared of worried. Where you know just China is step out of the story of the worry and the fear and just exam where's is shown up. My body is, in my view, my chest buzzing a little bit amazed, my head throbbing a little. and that act which sounds really basic and is it This credible it for me has this incredible value of pulling you're out of being so caught up in The inner momentum of your fear and nervousness and serve the phantasmagoric page. turn into the future about all the horrible things are gonna happen. If you miss I've been anyway and even for just a few nanoseconds That's all that mean that's, that's that's a huge leg up because it just for a few nanoseconds. You not so caught in the fear,
do that over and over again until I have no choice in the stage managers pushing me out and I gotta go be cheaper on television. So will you your stuff tourism are almost certainly entirely different, but but you can you can extrapolate from what I have just described, which is deep breath and I love it am fulness can go a long way. I would just go back to my original and closing here. I would go back to my original point with just. I think those measures are supercharged by having a daily practice, which is why I advocate are not to be annoying. I'm not gonna lecture. You tell you you're you're, doing your life incorrectly by You don't have a daily meditation practice or saying your. You should have a daily meditation practice. I hate being in a position of finger wagging. I just think it's too. Your benefit is my point. Ok, second question: here we go again. Mrs Jennifer, I'm down in Florida. I love your broadcast, I love your add and I dont have a question, but
I just wanted to share a funny story because the other night I was lying in bed, awake listening to my husband snore, which is something that he does have frequently by it was particularly bad this week because he had a cold. And of course my normal reaction is to get frustrated and even a little angry. But I decided I'm gonna apply what I ve learned with ten percent happier- and I was gonna- make his snoring the folk of my awareness and I did and I meditated on it for about fifteen minutes, and it was pretty interest, It was kind of funny. The sounds were pretty funny, but it really made me feel a bit more tender toward my husband. So thank you. although I will admit after about fifteen minutes, I did gently wake him. And ask him to roll over but anyway, thanks for everything you're doing, I love it I'll keep it up by all exist
as Bravo minutes. So well done, because, honestly, I would have gone to sleep on the couch and my wife doesn't. Nor do I think I might. sometimes, but I would have done either. I would have done the poking thing right away or I would have gone to sleep on the couch, but your method is phenomenal is fantastic. You say it I could have sir not gonna, say much more other, then again. Bravo R, R, guess this week, Louis how's, here's here's, the short bio and their dominant embroidered. low, but on top of that he's a New York Times. Bestselling authors got a couple of books, including a new one out right now, the mask of masculinity he's an entrepreneur is a former pro athlete he's a world record holder in football and he's, got a hit. Podcast called the school of greatness. Louis house and on the Pakistan, I've been on their. He shares inspiring stories from
business mines, athletes, influential celebrities- I don't fit in any of those buckets, but Somehow I got on their anyway. Yes, he is. a really warm and interesting and interested dude and he you know presents as he could be really intimidating, he's giant and really good looking and seems have everything, and yet he is, as you will hear, shocking. We honest about some of his on vulnerabilities and personal traumas, and so one of them in particular come witches, which I do not see coming comes up in them in in the middle of this interview, and I was quite moved by his ability to talk about it. The way he does so here is Louis House You were telling me before I start to go in that you start meditating in college. Yeah
eighteen for sports? Originally, what was your sport football basketball and I did like the calf one. I was Osborne, all American wow Football in the Catalan. Yes, generous stuff right there yet. So when I was doing that a Catholic specifically, I would visualize the events are very technical. You know the javelin is all like body alignment, the pull vault the shot, put its very like technical with the hips and, thing in alignment, so I would visualize every single night dislike going over the rapid visions in my mind, of what it would look like my body going upside down the pull vaults. You not throwing the javelin piercing through the sky always doing things. And my sister had gone through a lot of different Buddhist, meanings. You now ready healing therapies, all these different things, and so she gave me a city at the time of her. You know Buddhist Yogi, teacher
Swami G from Nepal thence Hindu yeah. And so I will listen to this audio of this thick accent of talking about the whole body back connect to the whole body, and I would hear his work. Every single night is kind of like a nose of meditation at the time was guided meditation. You know Tom visualizing yourself with the blue sky, I visualizing you known a mountain, you not just beginning to a peaceful place. Yet did it work, we did what I do for you because you, when I started, were serious athlete yeah. You know when I two months before it when I started listening to this two months later, I then broke the world record for the motion. keeping our than a single football game shows, like ha something's here, we're Are you plan as point on a small school called Principia College School for christian scientists, not Scientology the christian science worried? Do you come from the background idea? raised in this religion caught christian science here and my dad
very heavily into the church and the religion and got mixed up assigned, told you, but I tell people not scientific, yet completely divan. Yet we read the Bible and yet all its area, I'm not gonna, go church and more, but I grew up in heavily and there is a school for Christian signed this. So I went to that school in middle school high school and then other when college and sought Ahmed apologise, because I'm totally derailing you bit curious. You don't go to Turkey. Where does that that create a refugee? What you and your parents are now my as though does my mom, has never really in the religion, but just did because my dad was- and I it's interesting because interviewed so many fastening spiritual leaders, are in religion, religion? You know, meditation exports are done. These different meditation retreats suggest understanding about religion and God in the world. Just like still have so many questions, may feel like a church that I groping didn't, have all the answers,
and there are still some mixed things- some like just exploring discovering and now right or wrong about any religion, but I think religion, I wanna be a part of his just love and inner peace lifting humanity up, and so I am happy to go to a church. From my experience that type of experience and just hear some great messages, but adult associate with any type of little. What is Christians. I dont christian science Unitarian exert it's been a while, since I've been in part of it, but yeah, I remember growing up it gave me such half foundation in a sense because couple things my, Dad Tommy early on. We, he never celebrated my birthday early on you can understand this when everyone else had their birthday celebrated I'd go to their parties, but then it was. my time for my birthday, no Kagan present no celebration, And I didn't understand wildcat, madam I down early on until later in life. I would ask him he said,
never wanted you to be limited by your mind, and I never want you to say I you are too young or too old to chase your dreams, and so many people focus on their age as limiting factor in their life. and celebrating your age only room, finds us of how limited actually are so we came from an infinite they see, I said in a time- is infinite. He never carried away don't. Play was always on time and punctual. So I was just always like interesting. and he never. I don't have any shots as a kid for yet. So that's part, that's the controversial part of the church. Here he is He was more like an extremist where he was dislike word. If anything happens, we're gonna pray about it in I think sometimes, that get controversial has kids get really sick. Very said yes sunk his have and then that yet us back, unlike the ninety, should the eighties when there is like news stories about parents who were neglect, being or something and then someone died right because it is to the hospital or whatever it may be,
and so my dad s eyes said that we are spiritual, being he was always like emphasising. We are not material, we are spiritual and therefore spiritual being can't be physically harmed. you in green- that, in my mind, on the religion, talks about spirit, over physical and things like that, but he was more like an extremist so There be people that were like no like. If you break your arm, go to the hospital get set. Michael manslaughter when I say that christian science means common sense is what he told me C S, means common sense and you like go take of like what have you got to do it and then come back the prayer and to the mind and so gave me a foundation because in sports, when other good kids were getting hurt I was able to take my mind to a place that I thought a lot of kids were able to and I was able to push through a lot of physical boundaries, because I was trained
Early age, that I was a spiritual being and that There was no room for physical harm in my life, always very conflicting like while this hurts, when I like pinch myself and cut myself alike. So what you mean? I'm not so just always confused and that's why. I think you know that all religions, and things like that were just like what this melody answers, and so I was just more seeker of the truth. meditation, I think really supported me in and brought me back full circle towards connecting to the to the inner. I, too, the inner peace to finding peace through chaos and how to really connect to Seoul Spirit, minds and in something more powerful than our current, the arctic situation- and I you talk about this well so it was a powerful operate being in the the religion and being around the mindset and the people are your loving and giving in that?
they that I have like nothing bad to say about it the Chester there, are some extremist. I felt like you know, people got hurt because I didn't go to themselves who get medicine are gonna hospital on, and you know people died you not at certain stages in a cell. because they were like one should a prey on this, and I want to just know the truth that spiritual being and going to be. Ok, I think, that's that's not common sense no. I was confirming place a common sense now, so I can maybe happens to me when I go to the hospital and get my tooth fix, my dad wouldn't go to the tenth you know. He was like that extreme rivers like now like underscore to work through pain and come at mentally and and spiritually and in some ways, I love his mindset for that. But another way Is it like hindered him? You know he had a hernia like for thirty years and you never get it.
Text cuz. He was like well, I'm just going to rise above it and I will know the truth and think spiritually or physically, and it always back to them and such like go get a simple surgery, you now know to fix yourself and you can get to go so I think there is something to be said for like pushing our minds to what capable and our bodies and our lives, but also common sense and do more. We need to do likewise the way grandfather but yeah, vs common sense. when I went to this meditation retreat called one World Academy. This was one last year in October when for two weeks, two weeks two weeks. Is it like a silent deal or not, as I feel it was a lot of like actual eyes. Is a teacher would teach him stuff. We were practice here. They would put us into longer like five six hour. Meditations have felt like thirty minutes and really advice. our meditation. It felt like maybe thirty or forty five minutes but they're like now, it's like three
when we started like ninety, like what it was like the time and space, what will they do in these method? It was interesting because doing my own meditations college, I would listen to this city for years right now. It's pretty much all I'd, even as you like, went pro and I'll even after those pro like even onto my business life after proudest listens, and see the exhaust, like, I had the best result of my life, but the world record I was like doing this and that, like all American us like, I just keep doing works. I will explore other meditations. I was so used to this there. I started. You know, learning about head space and other stuff that was happening a few years ago and I started listened in audio programmes and different audio meditations. I think at this new, coupled thanks from deep park for five years ago, to cite different stuff here and there ten minute guided meditations not like all these. Are nice you're very similar to what I was listening to
But I've never been to like an intensive thing. I've heard about you, I heard about tm and other workshops of people were done locally, but also coming to do something. I wanna go to kind of like this court of courts source meditation or like a place where it gets me out of my environment, an expense and really come disconnect and just go online. So I'd heard about academy? It's actually we're Tony Robins went a couple years ago in Aceh play changed his entire language for his thirty year workshop you always say yet again to a peak state of mind, tat every one of us worships you blacklist getting peaks day peak stayed! That's where you create the best results in your life, then he went to this workshop. Come on we're ok and he learned that there are only two states, a beautiful state and a suffering state and abuse The state is coming from a place of love and joy and peace and harmony and creativity in always things there. That's a beautiful state and
suffering state. Is the ego mine, the resentment of anger, frustration jealousy whatever a pink stated, so hard to sustain AK forty seven, you know for all your life, it's hard to be like off that high energy, all the time for beautiful state is something we can sustain the suffering state once we all were in that state can dissociate are eager from it and come back to beautiful day and so I was like. Let me go try this place. How could I heard some great things about it and there was zero like religious attachment order runs. The thing is married couple, Krishna G and Prieta G, their names and stem from they have another facility cholera. oneness that car, where broke off from one Miss, was more I've never been, but it's I think they have like tuna thousand people go a year in India to their like facility called oneness
and I think what I've heard about it is there's more connection to like Dodd and religious type of language, not all, but there's more ceremonies around that where I was just like gonna be on a fine, a place that does say well, this is the only way right and that's what I found one more academy. They did they break down the ancient indian wisdom of meditation and then Do research on all the science behind the body, the breath the minds they do all the research tobacco. why should we hold the breath at the top for to count? Why should you hum enclosure mouth, what happens to oxygenated the blood in your cheek? What it said due to access different part of your mind when you do that and wants to know more repetitions for doing ice things so, broke down and much more scientific basis with, like ancient wisdom as well, but they don't.
About God and any that suffer me years really insightful and I didn't want to start with a sigh limitation You just did ten days, which only give until One of the better like explore and ask questions you talk like get here from glass and not just be like, go right in silent, and so for me that work, they did a ton of different exercises and some things had you know just some some some supportive insurance a music over things other things we wouldn't. We would do middle of the night when we are already kind of like tired and go to like the crazy places in our minds. I mean now. I have this process every morning for about twelve to fifteen minutes, depending on how I do it for that I go through a process of law. when the meditations they took the credo called soul. Sink just like sinking to your essentially, and it's a number of different. Breathing strategies. Thinking
about certain things, visual As in your intention for the day expressing gratitude things like but there's a part of meditation that allow She too, it's an unstructured parts were allows you to explore yourself, lousy, explore the minds, and during this place of my mind I always when I did this and learn this in India. They asked step one point to elevate to like agent ourselves, elevating just off the ground a couple feet ramp, just as an exercise as soon see possible, and when I did that I kept, evading in the in my mind, I was elevated and I saw myself kind of going in the clouds and feeling very light and feeling very at peace and feeling very like loved and these things. And then I imagined myself like dumb, be arms, stretching out my arms and picking up all the kids.
as with any type of pain and bringing them up into the clouds with me and them all smiling and feeling the sense of peace and love in their heart, and it was like a big dance party of like all these kids dancing having fun, and then I brought all the adults up as well. Just come reached out and went over the whole earth. Unlike scrape, they went up in just putting one of my class like a dance party and then, while I'm always dancing, every morning when I do my meditation practice. so it makes a little weird, then sounds like up personalized version of compassion meditation zone. It is the word means like compassion. Meditation can sound a little sadly, but your called deliberately cultivating giving it s about people write a that's where you are allowed to where he won't. Let me whenever I fast, even though Might Canada Humanitarian I like your systematically like developing the ability to care, but other human beings other than yourself at including yourself, but
what you are doing is just like you made up your version of that exactly mishandled yet, and so what I do is tell me if I'm going a little too off here, what I do know too often the shell, what I do is I am I start to from it. one experience and I had in india- I kind just repeat it, a little further, my mind matter that I I saw myself kind of like looking up the sky and in kind of Superman flying through the the atmosphere into outer space, intellect a sense of like play. Agnes stillness and I, exploring in like looking up Father father, so I just like went as fast and as far as I could through outer space until I looked back hasn't flying as with sounds, I look back in the earth like a smaller and smaller until it disappears into the into the back of Spain and so now I'm in outer space,
surrounded by planets and stars, and unlike jumping on planets and touching plan. so my hand, and just slightly like shifting them and moving them annexed. Spinning in him. Oh my finger and dislike playing an hour. For space myself and for me. I think that is right. how expansive our mind is and how? How vast the opportunity tsar in my world and that's called a metaphor for myself, like that I can do what I want to do. That can create one I want to create. If I can see in my mind- and this is the every morning, yeah as every morning and then what I do get May settler weird I've. I fly back what goods Sounds we're talking about it. For me, it's like a big since one of the dignity of this look on your face. You for cancer like a very lively talking about right, we're having a crazy,
So, no, actually I knew they were done. I should get a make. You feel better about a girl, so I fly back an earth like warp speed and they want to do- is come back down and I got up. I got through the earth's core. Until I find the smallest grain of sand at the very centre of the core of the earth. they wanted. This is what happened to be. It was just like I couldn't it was like. I can't and for what is happening organically in India anywhere. You go. Yes, yes and it was like. So I all this and for whatever reason, as leg ominously? What's inside the sand, so I pushed through, this grain of sand and in the universe, was created thousand times better than the one. I was handed exploded and expand into a universe. I know I was in, but a thousand times more infinite, and then I flew through to the milk to finding a plant through
the at centre of the earth Corps for that planet. To I found a small sand, unexploded through it and openly an experiment, a whole nother universe, even bigger and kept doing. That over and over again and for me The house like wise happening, but then I Finally, I came back to earth and down to where I was- and I put myself back in my body from where was my mind in it. Color reminded me like, you know I go into a place in my mind, like how small things actually are when earth is. I can't see earth anymore my mind in this negative state, like my problem, is really aren't that big, like it so tiny when I look at it from a different perspective. And also from the perspective of things, there's so much abundance in the world and are so much opportunity Show me to create what I want to do, that I don't need a downwards therefore limit myself to what is possible and silver it's really more of a practice of like just coming back to a place of perspective, creating
attention of what I want to do that day and being very grateful for what I have said that they were you? U redeemed. The whole thing right there at the end you know it. You know, I think we probably don't practice I M kind of meditation and you may be don't think about it. The same way I do, but I think that the the the top line the headline on meditation? Is its training your mind? Yes, that's what it is and the exciting thing to know. Is that the mind is tradable, we're not stuck with the mind we have right now and the things we want, like patients, compassion, com, mindfulness generosity. These are tradable. Assets are the things we do what like self degradation, anger selfishness. We can work to do
besides these in our minds, and so therefore the are. A limitless kinds of mental training just like there are limitless, almost limitless kinds of sports yeah and you are training clearly through this exercise- perspective, compassion, gratitude a sense of what possible. So I get you Is it my lover? Yeah tell me about your spirit. The ten days journey yeah was cool now cause I could well. I should call it was arduous and a lot of Serbia by so it seemed like forever does yes and then a the big problem is for me, guy Carrillo suffering from myself a veto day to em like I have. wait more days of this. How am I gonna make it but thing you realized very powerfully is that is just a thought that is just the mental phenomenon of debt.
Like doubting. Why am I here? Can I make it was the point of this and justice Don't you are mine, false senator We have saying that as soon as you just aware of that and not fighting with it because way- and it comes back all you have to do is have a little machine gun in your head, nonviolent machine gun in your head. That is filled with my fulness of just regular awareness and airy, on the Dell comes back, you catch it. He had of and that is just and when you do their high intensity high dosage, very interesting. this happened in your mind, you realize the mind is capable of so much more than we end. This is gonna, be cutesy, think it's so it is capable of so much more and use that to me as much as I fight going on retreat I walk away with an enormous amount of confidence. You could even say faith that that it is worth it
because I you always have experiences that make me allies? We are missing so much in our daily lives, walkin around this fog of the sort of auto pilot. Nothing's have now understand our irish yeah, comparing and non our phones and that if you said that aside, even for now nl seconds at a time. You realize a much you're missing in an unfortunate requires some artificiality like taking yourself as I did into the woods, Massachusetts and- and you know walking at a snail's pace all day, long and sitting in doing meditation, four eleven twelve thirteen hours a day and yet a ton, its title hard core, but in my view absolutely worth as more the two biggest lessons you learn this time. If you are, suffering in any way, there is something you are not aware of. There's something you're, not mindful of soda words, if you're in a bad mood.
If you bring my voice to what it to the fact that it maybe be to anger jealousy whatever For the moment where you are just I am fully aware of it. It will evaporate that doesn't your problems will disappear, but, right now you have unlimited permanent access to just what I guess you could call present moment awareness. You always of access to whatever is happening right now, just to coming back to being aware, whatever is having right now and that Wilson, Whatever spinning off you're doing in your head planning, hating wanting and and you can always settled back into this- just kind of non judgmental friendly awareness of what's happening. Yeah. I learned about suffering from one World Academy to taught that amount butchering in this that suffering comes from the obsessive self centric thinking and when we are aware of how
Yes, if we are of ourselves centric thinking of that thought that mindful thought, then we can say: ok, I'm aware of it and now can move yes, but that's right, it's not more than its beware. Of that moment. a more complicated than that. It's like you're, sitting on what world Water bottles right now of sitting here. Thinking about Louis is so tall. Why I'm jealous, and why am I so short blah blah blah blah and then boom? What is it like the holder's, while in my hand what is its there's coolness here, was a feel like to feel jealous. My chest the buzzing a little bed it? Maybe it might make my stomach upset that simple awareness which, by way of available to every homo sapiens? is kryptonite for the ego and it's just you have to it. You have Braxton it that's? What a meditation retreat is just taking it and stepping on the gas and the other thing is you at high, dosages imitation you'd, you start to see the world very differently
right now the world seems solid right right. A regular life like this is a microphone. This is me and pounding my chest, but when you actually pay close attention, four hours and hours and hours on end? You see that actually the world isn't a solid. Every second, is with millions of my Newt sensations your but on the chair. What you're thinking what your hearing to do? Just like that chick, we'll fortune when they spin the wheel as you did, you do it and when you pay attention your mind yet really concentrated you close your eyes, you re but a tune into the momentary newness of reality, and it pixelate meant. That is super interest it's not wearing loincloth and sitting on a cliff with the wind going through your hair. It's actually it's not tuning out rezoning out in that way. It's zoning in to what is here all that but you don't see him from me as somebody very secular, scientific background. That is awesome. Yeah. Do you feel like it
few to keep going to these supplementary hazard. now you ve done them five six times now and you ve done many things wise and important to continue practicing at every year. The eager oh is strong. Aaron cylinder, creative, relentless force, the man you you have spent a lifetime practicing unawareness. You have, Evelyn Millennia is millennia, of evolution. That is bequeath you a mind that is really good at fixated. things you want and avoiding things you don't and in order to hack that it requires a lot of work. Now I actually and not of the belief that, like I think, your twelve to fifteen minute a day minute daily, Guiche meditation, routine or where was somebody is doing one to five minutes a day of just regular mindfulness. I actually That is absolutely enough. But if you like,
me that the bugging you want to go further. I am of the view that, for me, meditation retreating here at least is what makes sense, but you said something about Self Centralism and I'm gonna get you to be substituted for a second, because I want to hear a little bit more about your story. You Do you worry we do at the beginning of this, we talked about you being an athlete that I just want to hear about the road from being an athlete to being the kind of guru greatness and by the way I am not trying to make you sound like you take yourself, that's your success no doubt which it one of the many things I like about you, but you you're like H, is clear to me: you're a guy on a mission to kind of figures stuff out for yourself, which is really interesting and charming, and
How did this happen? You you were. You are flying high in sports, for why, in football my dream is to be in the NFL. I played arena football first with the goal of making it to the next step. Serena arena, footballs, indoor football for those I don't know what that is, and I broke my wrist had surgery on my wrist diver to a wall player in a football and for a year ass. I was in recovery, a headache asked on for six months, full arm cast in this position, which pretty much my arm was up the whole six months and I was sleeping on ice. The couch that time money I don't have a job. I don't have a college degree at the time I left early to go, pursue this dream. This isn't two thousand and eight slash two thousand and nine when the economy was pretty bad, so people weren't hiring people with master's degrees at the time, and I didn't have a bachelor's degree right so I am not trying to figure out what who out pretty dire situation. Here I mean there's a lot less such whose allow worse things in the way
now, the boreal through, but for free that guy pretty cat, it was devastating ass. My dream was over I'm twenty three twenty four nodded I'm going to leave it on my sister's couch, trying to think about what who am I, what am I identity in my whole life with sports? Now I can't do it I've never made money, my life except for just training and play football. So I know what it looks like to get a job, and I really didn't I wasn't sure was like wall. When I do what skills do I have what information Can I help you know do what at whatever may be, I got into linked in early on a mentor when I was injured, said won't. You can connect with people on my dear I heard about this site and people are getting jobs from it. So I said: ok, I spent but six hours a day for that year and a half connecting with people on linked in asking them questions learning about their story meeting him in person, these successful leaders in Columbus, Ohio, whereas living and people just
started to take notice that was had such a big audience on then I had so many great connections. They would ask for introductions, and I started hosting these kind of networking linked and networking gatherings in all around the country I started with one in five people showed up now: I just promoted it on linked annexes was one people, one person at a time at Hamley when an event is information, show up I would just do that all day for days cuz. I had all this free time on my hands and five hundred people showed up. I had it free, but I got a couple. Looks like companies that sponsor like a booth for like two hundred and fifty bucks. So I made one thousand dollars on my first event and I was like all maybe there's something here people need to connect and good offered he's in this time of the economy, to does need to those nine. So did twenty events after that first one event and that whole year, and I started charging at the door for an entry fee, five bucks. Then I started charging ten twenty. Then I started to get more sponsor
These events I was getting like consulting deals from percent. Can you help me with my Lincoln profile and show me how to do what you ve done? So I was charging these one. what kind of profile make over sessions, then another mentor said you should write a book and teach people how you're doing all this about maintained. So I wrote a book with him and I would sell my books at the events. Then the relationship with the Van Use and said hey, can I get it? The mission of any other food and bark are usually are restaurants and bars. So I was getting up. Fifteen percent commission twenty percent, mention just trying to figure out. How can I make money? Doing this one or hustle admit hustling a store, my sister couch because, like how do I like just make anyone and these events were correct. That early testing ground for me of learning. What and to be an entrepreneur like. Ok, how I just turn dirt into gold had always manifest these things. How do I add value? How do I solve problem for someone and how do we build relationships,
early on ours, building relationships and now as interviewing these people without recording them, I was connecting was successful. Leaders now asked him how they got to where they were also fascinated by their journey of how they got there you know the school greatness is essentially what I always wanted to do. I didn't have the credibility or the platform of the audience to do it ten years ago, and then I kind of took this linked in experience. Essentially, eventually, someone said that they wanted me to speak, their online webinar like an online platform to teach linked in they didn't know anyone else online. Who is talking about linked in the way I was. I was writing articles. I was just trying to be like no breathing about it and use it for myself and help other people So I did this free, like fifty minute you know, talk online and He said he wanted me to offer an online course afterwards. Nine in nothing about online,
getting on my courses or business in general, I just scrapping around trying to make a few bucks here and there. These events, but I did this speech online on the web, an arm and at the end I said, hey guys, I don't have anything for you right now, but I have a Paypal link and for a hunter, Fifty bucks I'll do three more these training sessions to teach you more advanced strategies on Linkedin. Here's the link like check it out, and I'll. Send you something in a couple weeks. So there is pretty much like blind faith there. We're gonna get anything and you're, not the end of the web, another six hundred people on the web the end of the well, when I closed down the well in our screen and open up, my gmail account, and it was probably one it must be. Besides that, ever seen, except for probably like you know, a beautiful girl when I was like twelve and was in a girls for the first time or something but the entire my time email scream, hold on my computer, said you receive payment,
every single line and my dear you receive payment, you receive payment over and over again much more. Our conversation read up. It is with great are you hiring jointly three million businesses that use indeed dot com for hiring you can posted job in minutes an manager candidates from an easy to use dashboard, both your next on the world's number one job site. Indeed, dot com you feeling limit lies. I don't think I've ever told the story publicly on the area where but I'll tell you now welcome you no limits, I'm Rebecca Jarvis. I use a kind of each week we're taking an honor. Look at success and how to get there with the boldest most influential women in the world Jessica, Alva, Oriana, Huffington, Visa RE, Barbara Corcoran, Robin Roberts welcome to no limits with it on Apple podcast, Spotify or your favorite. Podcast has its limits.
Six thousand two hundred dollars instantly in my Paypal account, and at that time I thought I was the richest person in the world. I was like I've never seen this one of my life. Six thousand two hundred dollars was life. Changing for me at the time, the great it was like- I won the superbowl- it was that big a deal for me in that moment. I was at the time my sister kick me out. Her places like you need to pay rent or get a job or something so I Would any young brother would do? I beg my older brother to let me crash in his place and he said you got it you know he was married. Have a Katy was like my way. When should I pay something he paid two hundred and fifty a month for a room, so I think two hundred and fifty a month for a room at his place when this happened and I was like. Finally, I can go get my own apartment, so I felt like, finally like take care of myself after two years of just hustling and simply begging to like live, this in e people's food interest didn't feel good to be like you not
the prior wearing a helmet twenty thousand screaming people like Signing- a grass and like being the man and playing football, and always things too. we ve been on my siblings couches and having them support me. So he was that moment wars like while here something I could do, I can teach linked in offer value for people help. People so like this online trainee thing around it no, I just put all my energy into figuring out online marketing how to create a course had agreed. Value sales branding design like everything I just obsessed over learning about business, because I saw away to a better future for myself and creating a number of online courses of the next few years. Things really started: take off their where we're doing business partner, we're doing a cup minority, sales for these online courses pretty quickly after that, like once
I figure something else that works and if I have a good culture mentor whose like ok, here's the path I went to athlete Maud. Why said I understood it actually and practice every single day and just get results and just get better, all I did was like I'm going to take as much action as possible to get me the financial results that I was looking for, so I didn't feel broke meme and it worked the challenges, I obsess so much over at that. I gain fifty pounds. I wasn't sleeping really having haven't good personal relationships, and I was obsessed with making money Adam became, like my. The thing that I need, the most my networks became tied to myself worth and it hurt me emotionally and it's one of the things I you know talk not a plug. My book, I just want to say this is a very plug friendly zone. Gotta go away. You know all this started happening, where I was getting these great financial
Zol toes getting these accolades. I was achieved things that was growing and then I saw them company and I started to school greenest podcast the thing I really want to do, but now I felt like I had credibility. I had relationships. Why can tap into these kind of influence here's to have them on and my party, I started growing and taking off- and I started doing other things. before reason I never felt fulfilled inside inside from sports, when I would achieve my biggest goals to sports all american Professional athletes played on the USA Handball team still play of the team. All these things were dreams of mine, and yet every time achieve them, it was ten minutes after I shave these things. It was the most miserable person I've ever been and I was angrier and upset me therefore- and I never understood why I was like- maybe my dreams are just so small and to keep dream a bigger, and so I do after something bigger, feel this fulfilment and it was
until I have thirty and thirty four now, where I had like you know. From one it looked like on the outside. I had a lot going on. I have like this beautiful girl friend, but it was a success really toxic relationship. I had you know solar molten company for many dollars getting a lot of you now attend line press like everyone's like Louis you're, killing it, but for The insiders like, I feel, like I'm dying a meal like things are doing well, and I was good at faking Bernie inside. I was suffering my business partnership was offering my relationship of suffering and I didn't know. How to get out of it, and I was so reactive to every thing in the world anytime, I felt attacked or under critic. It was like. I headed, defend my manhood it is my masculinity I defend myself constantly and lasting defending myself-
and I went to Asia, emotional intelligence workshop. Where was essentially Canada group therapy, if I can explain it where There was a lot of exercises. One hundred and one group exercise a talking about the things that hold us back, so I can let the things where we find suffering pain, resentment I am going into like password, asian ships, you nothing's happened in school things that when your parents know any harm, feelings. You have done anything from your past and then focus on the vision for our future the life we want to have. What we want to create our business relationships are health, those things and after a few days of this, we were really diving and deep about come our past. As a group, and the facilitator says: ok enough of the past were moving towards our future of what we want to create, and at this time I'm you now. People are getting very vulnerable and opening up about things that happened to them or whatever may be going through.
Force or other par breaks. Things like that people really opening up, and so it was a very, vulnerable room already about fifty of us- and he said, if there's anything to have an addressed in your life. Yet anything at all that you need to address now, otherwise we moving forward and so their silence for about a minute and I'm thinking to myself, you know I've addressed everything. I think I'm fine, I talked about my brother being in prison when I was eight for four and a half years, he was in prison and and how many friends during that time, because in the end, when I was in the other parents when it allow their kids to hang out with me when my brother was imprisoned because they thought I would be just as bad right. So I taught about dad and overcame that my parents were fighting a lot I was growing up and they got a divorce pretty much like everyone else in the room. So I addressed my parents issues pay. My head around that I addressed you now heartaches of relationships
past? I addressed feeling bullied and picked on and in secure when I was in school because I was in the special needs classes, I'm going in my mind like ok, what's the thing that I would talk about and then like? What about that time? I was raped by a man when I was five it just pop to my mind, was like. Why have I never share this with any one of my life why I've been so afraid and so embarrassed and ashamed to die? about this, and so that moment I stood up. It was like I just like production is now or never share it, and send you share it with any, but never here before, and it's something that comes up my mind all the time since I was five results for twenty five years? No one ever heard me talk about. And so in my mind and like the violence, this now in this room of like strangers that I've been with, a few days like There's never gonna be another setting that I feel comfortable opening up about this. So I my body just like stood up forming I walked with a of the room. I didn't like raise my hand
they had. Some may say just walked in the front room to pick a semicircle of like chairs people sitting on and I remember I was unable to look up at any one in the eyes of those so ashamed about. What else could I say so I looked down on the carpet and I walked line by line. I was just like when I was five his orders at the babysitters, and this man took me to the bathroom and I walk through the entire thing. For the first time I just didn't hold back walk through like the cites, the smells the sounds taste. Everything from that moment and I wasn't really like. I was flying during it. I was kind like matter of fact, I'm talking about it, this car like this and then again I couldn't look up at any one. I walked back when I was complete with the story. I just walked back to my chair sat down and it was like an eruption of tears. I could not hold back just like it also.
come out of me of justice like pain and sadness, relief and insecurity and fears and everything just like I started bawling. Thankfully, there two women on the side of me, a sitting next to me, who call snorted holding me and like we're crying with me, so we just like an overwhelming moment where I felt like okay or some comfort, but I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of what I just said. And what are these people to think of me and, and so I ran out of the room. He was in a hotel. conference ballroom area. I ran out of the room ran outside of the hotel, and there is always a wall like across the street I walked across like an alley and there was a call back fence and I put my hand on the on the wall, but my head on my arm, just like in the shames you no kind of like crying still gonna stop, and after a few minutes, I was just like I'm not going back in their like. I'm done like this sit on I gotta go over your home, we're getting to go out in Africa
it's one of the most beautiful things happened in my life one by one. The men of the group who were in the group came up to me and gave me a big we can look me in the eyes and they were like you're my hero. There are like you're, so courageous and yet you're my hero and I've never heard so. one who looks like you talk about these things and it's the last thing I expected you to say- and you know I've been judging you this entire time because of this this and this narrow gels. Like me ethic I mean I, My guards up and mighty goes up, and I was trying to perfect and arrest things and they were like you're unbelievable, and this is amazing, and what a service to justice. There's so much shame associated anybody. Essentially the summit chamber. There is out there, so it shameful for men.
And to have somebody like you get up and just a matter of fact. We say it happened. It's not your fault. You know like right, it's not an assault on your masculinity frozen in any real. Why sure? The challenges to finish that story, something amazing started to happen where these men were like you now for thirty years, for forty, Has this happened to me when I was a kid? It I've never told anyone, and so I started to open up to me about things that happen to them, whether it be sexual abuse or other things, they were ashamed of that worn sexual abuse. It's like. you ve been permission to like trust me and talk to me about these things, which was like what like each there like Itunes You I'll, follow you anywhere. Some guy said a domestic one you don't know me whose like I've, never seen something that courageous as what was like a machine? Does this cry likes not out of my nose, like you trust he felt like you, trust me It was you're, crazy experience. Where Do I tell the story the book? I do too
story. I tell a story ends. I am I finished. The workshop for several days would just like a sense of freedom for the first time and I never felt a sense of inner freedom. It was like a weight was lifted, my off my Twitter- and I attach a lot of my you- I have a lot of- friends- and I talk to them about this experience like that's exactly how it felt for me when I open up my parents about you, know not being straight and feelings too came and humiliation that it couldn't be myself or going to talk about these things whatever, and I felt a sense of weightlessness for the first time fear, but also like waiting As I people except me now. You know what my my parents now. My family doesn't know my friends, don't know what they accept me. You know. Maybe this group, well because we're in this accession together, but as I can, I can tell anyone else, and everyone was like you got to tell your friends of him. I was like, I don't know, because what, if I don't accept me or if they don't trust me with an don't love me with my fear- and I talk to you
Therapist friend of mine after this, and as I said, I don't know how to tell my parents, my my siblings, like what? How do you even set a context around this? he gave me a great piece of advice. She said: ask them a question first and see how they respond, and the question was his anything I can ever say or do they would make you not love me simple. She was like ask them that, and you'll know really quickly if their open- and I asked all them that Pherson there were like absolutely not like. There's nothing. You can ever say or do that would make you make me not love you ask them individually, share with them, especially my brother, who went to prison. As you know when I was a kid who felt by the most shame of like what he had our family go through, and things like that, I think He was like absolutely not like you can do whatever you want us to love. You can now because he was. He went through that and, as I go
I told him I feel members more, my one and again another powerful experience like when I opened up and gave them permission. They shared stories about things that I have no clue about and bought a brought us closer together, like our relationships, are all closer Well, my family has to love me, but can I tell my this is not going to make fun of me boy, again one by one. I started telling more more people when I realized. I need to tell this until it doesn't have power over me anymore, a smart, because when you know every Thomas go my family members. I was like stuttering, I was afraid my heart was palpitating and those like and still has power over me and ownership, it owns me. If I can't talk about something freely, it has control, and I said, oh camera keep. Talking about this until I'm no longer afraid and no longer afraid of well, not loving me or accepting me or whatever, and I did that with all my runs until like after a few months, it started to not be hard anymore. You know it started it still like a topic.
Obviously is very sensitive for a lot of people, but for me I can talk about it matter. Factly now, because it's something I am at peace with are forgiven. Myself are forgiven man of forgiven like I've, never seen him since, but I've come the peace with it myself and of You know I think I remember used to thinking like. If I ever see this guy and like I will kill him. I think that's my son, like if I receive this guy, I will literally kill him of my bare hands until I have no strength left and do whatever it takes to destroy this man's life until he is dead and complete. Was like them amount, a penal feeling growing up, and now I just give a hug- and I wouldn't be his friend and I wouldn't want to. I came out with him and I wouldn't want to like say what you did it. Ok, because its absolute, long, and I would you know, makes sure very clear that blood me hating. Someone else has not serving me and it's not serving humanity, it doesnt, lift others up. It doesnt support my vision
me speaking out on these things and creating awareness about it does support this type of situation and I remember my friend saying you ve- got a rights. You ve gotta this on. Your part, gas, mouselike, no fuckin way, might have thought about this publicly but more more people said like you have to, because no one else is. There's no other white male athlete jock, looking straight man that I'm aware of who is openly talking about it who has a bigger platform who became very aware to me that I was like this is more like a mission and irresponsibility. I have now that I feel like I need to do this and if I'm not talking this I'm doing a disservice to humanity into myself into other men who are going through this. So when I talk about other my podcast, remember, holding on to it like I recorded it and waited for months cuz. I was terrified still off like what, if it hurts my business, what if people don't subscribe anymore like what? If what? If what? If what, if
posted it any was the most downloaded thing. I've ever put out there and more southern that within days huh, of essays of men all over the world were emailing me and saying you know my wife doesnt now I ve been married for twenty years. I have four kids, she doesn't know this and what happened to me when I was seven my This doesn't now. This person has no I've, never told anyone or they just started sharing stuff. Ways of some of the most horrific stories have ever heard about sexual abuse. Now like it made mine. Look like a Disney movie. My experience compared to what I was reading to some of these men I realized I was like while there's so much more to this. I started doing research, unlike sexual abuse, with men and one in six. Men have been sexual abuse nets and record right, twenty four with women, one of six format The challenge is growing up, at least from my experience where I grew up how I grew up you know very early on. You were
called names if I was affectionate with any of my girlfriends. If I put my arm around a buddy of mine from one of the hugger friend, he was like They would push, you often say, don't be, don't be a little bit don't be a little girl, don't be this. Don't be that so showing type of affection or just humanity toward. people even if you're, just like carrying with your words, not like putting an arm around a friend like always a word about what that's gay. That's that's! That's this bad! That's you know, don't be little girl, don't be little! This Don Quixote dump me whatever, like all the words that he would say and as a kid trying to fit in and get a couple friends like. Ok, if, if I want them Wake me up after like play along and not do they not be compassionate, not be carrying not be giving make fun of other people. Do these? and I realize that is it- that's where this book started to come about was like this rule of masculinity.
a lot of pain and suffering that I think men have gone through. Listen women and generated forming all human beings are going through their own types of pain and suffering, but I think, as men based on societal views and the walls that men are supposed to play. It's not ok to like be expressive. It's not ok to be vulnerable. It's not ok, too. Sure motion or short range of emotions that are sensitive and it becomes made whenever looked down on or and always with things happen to wear the pain gets, Well up inside now we're sitting in the media a lot of the results from men who are unable to express themselves in healthier forms of communication we're seeing this this year. More than ever, all the shootings, all the killings, the racial marches, the sexual abuse, the domestic violence, it's coming out, more so than ever now harassment, Tom of sexual harassment right because
again, a lot of the different in this book was researching with a lot of psychologists. Why Boys have been condition certain ways to not open up, not press themselves. Why what why I never told that it's ok to talk about these things. There was no hotline when I was five that have you been raped by a man. Here's what to do! No one ever told me these things were not taught. These things was kind of like be a man toughen up in sports. Don't cry, don't be a little girl get up get back up. If you show weakness, you're, not gonna play was like you always had to deliver and perform from my experience as boy going into a man and every one of the few that way inside and I wanted to be more sensitive and vulnerable and connected in listening and but but, like I always need to be right, I felt like a had win at all costs because being right and winning that I was it was connected myself worth and if I lost than myself worth was less than If I was wrong, then I didn't have self worth
I wasn't making money. It was attached to myself worth I started to put on all these masks a start say I need to get rich, so I can find them. even the world, I need to get these accomplishments sports accomplishments. I need to get the hot girlfriend, so I can have this self worth. But when I realized like I had those things, but I still in how many self worth not like why what's missing and four years ago, this kind of workshop, this experience of opening up talking about these things going through deeper forms, vacation, have allowed made to be aware folly of my conditioning of my why I've been wanting to be like the best at everything the broad. Why needed when? And why need to make a lot of money it's been so powerful just being aware of it first of like I have been waiting all the masks of masculinity my entire life, and why I put them on a different times to protect myself and defend myself.
And what's available. When I take them off and just reveal myself when I reveal myself people say you're my hero. I trust you I will follow you anywhere anything you do. I want to be a part of like, while all have to be, as my authentic loving carrying vulnerable self. Not have all the answers, not the wind at all costs- I don't need to have all the money in the world, but I can still competitive, and when I can still have the answers, I can still make a lot of money and that's ok to it. Just where is it coming from? Is it a deep desire to prove myself in the world. Wars are more coming from a place. Lift others up and now I'm coming from a play of lifting others up your stories, the important and an just beyond brave. So Bravo I think it's just so useful for summit your position to say what you're saying, but just did just
back in my relentless pushed to make use draw ourselves centres are interested in you. Where are you You mentioned Tony Robins, do see yourself becoming sort of like a tony robins. What do you see? What? Where do you see this all going I guess you know to Paris a lot like this is our generation's Tony robins and I'm flattered by it. I think he's incredible. I love I love his work. I love his message. I've had a on my show three times. He's amazing he's in big inspiration. For me, but I don't really want to be compared to anyone. I wanna be the first Louis housing. Paid. My own way, I am spired news. You know I speak of But it's not my main thing like do these big work. Robson do what he does. I can't do it. He does while he does it away. That's where you need to him and me I'll do differently, and I do it. I got that once a year, but I'm gonna be doing you know five days like of ants. Everyone the way he does it. I've
myself more as a facilitator. Curator, your car, like you, I'm just very curious to learn about people. what ideas and then to distil those complex challenging things into. simple tools We can apply in our life to live a better life and That's what I really want to become. Well, on your way, my friend you express some she business earlier about plugging. But now I want to move in better what I call the plug zone, or are you just keep? Give me ever give us everything like: where can we every book? Would the podcast given, give this the whole with social media. Where can we designed as much Louis I was Louis just at Louis how's, everywhere, otherwise, housing, social media, Louis how's, our com and then schools greatest podcast and I've got a new book called the mask of masculinity, which is actually just as much for women as is is for men, because so many someone
buying this reading. This and saying, while I understand my dad for the first time, I understand my husband for the first time ever. I understand why my kids, don't look me in the eyes. I understand my brother has been this disconnected to me for the last seven years. I understand the mask the minimal for wearing. We are aware of what their wearing we can understand, whereas coming from and then there's tools and how to connect with people to speak their language, and so that's what this book is all about. it has been powerful to hear all the stores of men who are email me every day, opening up as well as per the cool bet. Your annual suggests in terms of being holistic here and in plugging. You have a previous book that was best seller yeah, this little railway school greyness, yet which I believe is like the foundation from all the wise people. I ve interviewed distilled down the the principles of greatness and this lot of exercise. An action plans and how to get clear on your part as for your life, how to get clear on you know achieving those great things
life Mckenna gives you the roadmap. That's that's that in school brings Pike S which you been on, which was a powerful interview. So thank you, and in and in the podcast. You really get a sense of what it is that I think fuel in part fuels your greatness. Is this curiosity desire just why you're a student? Yes, you are still, I want to learn the rest. My lady S, there really comes through the this fascinating so many people ideas how people think how people got to where they are. What works, what doesn't work what's available for us is fascinating, vital such a pleasure to have you on man. They re always great to see you prepared, and even if you remind me of my amendment snatcher so right, you give me the inspiration the boys that I wish. I had a great shout, the english version, Ok, that does it for another edition of the ten percent happier podcast. If you liked it, please take a minute to subscribe rate us all.
So you want to suggest topics. You think we should cover or guests that we should bring in hit me up on twitter at Danby. Harris importantly, I want to thank the people who produce this programme. Lauren Efron, Josh Co Hand and the rest of the folks here and be see who helped make. This thing is possible. We have tons of other back ass. You can check them out at every single time, casts dot com. I'll talk to you next Wednesday,. There's, not a person in Amerika who hasn't been impact it in some way by the corona virus pandemic, but it every community there are pockets of people. pursuing up every day. This is my Monday last day of the cylinder stretch to drive off photos from one of our Visa or America's essential workers, the people who are keeping moving. I turn into a home school mom and now in a new plants from eighty sinews, you gonna hear from damage
I actually went back to my office on cybercrime because it's not fair. He inherited sorry that our community has itself faintly moraine. This is the essential inside the from the emergency room, the police cruiser to the czech outline. You hear what this pandemic sounds like the people, putting selves norms, which is always a risk that I could breathe, is home to my kids or my husband or my parents listened to the essentials inside the curve on Apple podcast, refitted, podcast, em,.