« Ten Percent Happier with Dan Harris

#132: George Haas, Regulating the 'Fear Mind'

2018-04-25
George Haas has worked as a filmmaker, an artist, a doorman at "every major nightclub in New York City" in the '80s, and now he's a meditation teacher in Los Angeles, but even his meditation journey has many turns. "What can I tell you, I'm a seeker," Haas said, as he described how a regular practice helped ease the psychological trauma of a "crappy childhood," got him sober and now he guides others through his attachment theory-based healing practices.
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Hey guys, I'm literally funding in my introduction to this week by gas, because I can't make it We have examined Acapulco, but not on the doing a story For night language will ere, I think, in the next few weeks, actually quite an incredible story. Anyway. That's not what you came here for we ve got a great yes this week, whose has some really fascinating theories, but they overlap between attachment, bury its psychological idea and meditation George Houses, his name before we get to him. I want to do a few items of business. I can't he calls it weak as a man in the in the studio, but I do want to mention one things is kind of like appear say for it
previous gas. If you haven't heard her before, I recommend you go back and endless into her at the search s just a morning. She goes by just suggest Morey. She runs a program called Idee me, sometimes known as inward bound mindfulness education outward bound as their programmer teens go into the woods. Inward bounded orgies also go to the woods, but also meditate. it's from everything. I've heard a great program and she just wanted me to remind people that if any parents or teenagers are wasn't get ass, you can Go to. I d need out info Ivy, Anita Info and room for this summer's retreats. A lot of parent company tax, but the inside there there teenagers are dealing with and you know it's on the rise, and so this is one thing I think it's worth looking into. Okay, so I guess this week, as I mentioned, your task is his name is meditation.
Meditation teacher. Listen allay! He focus is a lot on attachment theory, which is about the critical role air givers play in any persons development. George pumps, it is from a position of of pain, really in his personal life here really rough childhood? Even onto experimental, a lot of different kinds of meditation, which he credits with helping get himself. So he says it much much more Wait and I do so often happen and break you joy for maybe see ten percent happier vodka thanks for doing this, even though you have a cold really appreciate it absolutely happy to be here when we asked you to the question, I ask everybody, which is her how'd you get into the meditation game. I guess I would say that I was desperate and in pay and wanted something that would help.
and I found that doing even a basic nutrition practice. Relieved that immediate and so I had an advantage- or I saw the advantage of being able to practise the aforementioned, just duration and pain? What was what was that about like to say that I had a crappy childhood and that a lot of the legacies of that came with me and so on, ass. I went on to try and get things to happen. For me say it might teens and twentys that differentiation period there are a lot of obstacles to getting that happen mostly relational. I had allowed of opportunities, but because I couldn't manage the relationships the opportunities to really grow into much so when you say crappy childhood, Please help me a little bit about that too, They control you dont have to share anything. You don't want to hear it all irish.
Lot of drinking lot of island slot of various kinds of abuse so sounds genuinely grabbing hello. It was its crap. I anybody's definite And so I ve read about you that you're interested in attachment theory and I'm hearing that come through in everything you said up until The last thing you said, which is that you have opportunities, but their relationships couldn't blossom, because you had stuff on your own and that you needed to deal with right. I needed I was heard dissociative coming out of my childhood and dissociation intimate relationship. Worked very well exude really. They are a lot of time and I had probably the most extreme outcome of attachment disturbance, that you have. I had my I done to know day now, an adult attached,
interviews and assessment tool for what your actual attachment strategy is. and so mine my outcome from childhood, with one of the most disturbed really, Forgive me. If I do your about says, I apologise for interrupting before you down that. Whatever road you were about to go down there may be some people, don't aren't really familiar with attachment therapy. Just walk us through with that is and then get wherever you're going ashore. Attachment theory was a ridge they did by John Bobby and Mary Ainsworth. There was John Bobby's theory. He was an in english psychiatrist who one of the things I should tell you is that I can go into increased, detail about these things. I'm not sure, what's appropriate, but is a package. May you want with no rules
How familiar are you with your son, psychoanalytic history of assumes? Europe closer to the truth, now Freud young were the the big eyes at the end of the of or the beginning of the nineties, hundreds and then they moved into a kind of secondary at afraid and mellow decline was an object, relations dearest. All of these were, in a general sense, about how you react to things, not what happens to you and John Bobby Interest really was in, isn't it? What happens to that affects these outcomes, and if you could track that, then you might be able to understand what kind of behavior what kind of conditions a child faces and how that two affects them and whether they would
come into a skill set as an adult that was based on actually what happened to them, not on how they in imagination or fantasy related to it, but he discovered with Mary Ainsworth is the three main kinds of attachment. So people who are securely attached to their mothers, it doesn't have to be their mothers, but it often is their primary caregiver it really. What it is is the relationship between the mother or the primary care, given the emphasis that forms idea of your own competency to get her needs met and also what you expect from the world. So there you are a child. Three months old, you cry out for someone to take, our view and, depending on how they show up you develop.
working model of yourself as capable are incapable of getting your needs pad, and you also know The working model of what you can expect from the world surveys show up good enough. You have a sense I am confident I can get my needs, but in the world is likely to meet by needs and if they don't do that, then you develop other views. My mom competent of thing, my needs met and the world is likely not to meet the more I'm, not competent gettin to get my needs met, but- the world will conditionally respond to be depending on how I perform or the world I'm not competent, getting my needs but in the world is a dangerous place that I should not engage in because of what can happen Were you in that last category there, the yes a you grow, was in New York City, which you grew up work though a group in Chicago Research, cargo,
difficult family as a consequence of insufficient or not good enough? I meant you and a view in the world is a hostile place at what are you can't get your make men right? I grab at noon fluent way, but also with a depressed other who we know a lot of drinking in my family. Those things are very scary for children because they alter the nature of our how your caregiver risk. And through, depending on how much I've had to drink, which you don't really know how to calculate is a child. My mother, also too, to be violent, tents, unpredictably, violent, and so those things are also scary. hard to manage so
we all have the conditions that we had his children and one of the things that it does is. It affects these two things: the working model of self, the working model of the world. If you don't Oh, that you have a working model of the self. It says that you're not capable of getting your needs met. You still go about the world as if that's true for you. and if you have the view that the world won't help you, you still go about the world as if that's true, though, people love a security They may not be aware either they think of themselves as capable of getting their needs are met and that the world will meet their needs, but then to go about. exploring the world in that way. It one sense what were describing is, in view so conventional meditation way. Exploring the view of this, in the world. If you don't think the opportunity is there for you, you often don't even see that it's there, even if its being offered to you when you-
further opportunities, would you mean well somebody likes you or you have a work opportunities. I most they think of life. As this pursuit of love and of work or work is a term meaning he be a better term you want to pursue and engage in activity which actually has meaning to you, and you want to do it in a community of people who love you and will support, and if you can do Add it doesn't really matter what it is you're doing as long as you found, meaning in what you do, and also that the people are to share that exploration with you an attachment. We would call that attachment in the relationships and exploration, and then pending the conditioning you had either you're you're good at relationship I'm good at exploring or some combination of that, for example,
as a dismissing adult o. This would be sort of in the nurse assist end of a very psychologically oriented society. That way, so we often use masters and model of narcissism at one and borderline at the other with different and attachment. It's the dismissing view. Is that I dont really need anybody and the internal sense is I'm I'm great, I'm fantastic, I should have whatever I want and with other p pull. The view is that they are not really up to my level of fantastic this, so I'm entitled to just take from them whatever. I want- and so you see in
those kinds of relationships. It's one directional you give to me and I dont reciprocate in preoccupied adult, which would be an anxious, ambivalent I held, the caregiving was so erratic than that the child never rely on the character. This is different. Save from the dismissing the dull to his childhood was one of a constant neglect, nobody ever came when so they didn't actually never develop the capacity to rely on anybody and they explore. But they never come back and share their exploration with anybody, because nobody was interested, and so they tend to explore things that have social standing, social meaning rather than things maybe authentically meaningful to them
how does meditation help with attachment issues? Will? First you need to be able to see what it is. That's happening: and then you need to be able to move in a direction that's more secure. Most of this is gonna, be in seeing the mind states what you do, but you think how that affects, how you view things and then all There's a big peace around emotional regulation attachment that attachment mechanism regulates the. Fear of abandonment or fear of being harmed physically, and so it's an activating strategy which makes you seek proximity to somebody who will protect you, so it can either it turns out. It turns off in a secure person it turns on, and then you get proximity that it turns off. So that's a pretty functional thing.
Then it is missing. President just turns off, so it ever, they feel a need for somebody else. They turn off their attachment mechanism, so they're not seeking proximity, they're, not seeking close this net preoccupied adult for, for instance, it hyper activates, so their constantly seeking proximity. Sadly, seeking close this, and where were you re, dismissive brac upon, I was it's called unresolved, cannot claim I am extremely preoccupied, an extremely dismissing at the same time off the charts, well yeah, just sort of at that, the needles all the way out That know how did it manifests itself? I was highly dissociate, so we know dissociation.
You're, not barrier you off and greener pastures, Nero mind zooming, get it out of the present moment. The colloquial terms for cannot classifies fearful, avoid and so on. I was the sweetest around, but I was completely unreliable. Fearful avoid people need to ask two emotionally regulate and so they withdraw? If something happens, if there's a conflict in the relationship, they will withdraw from the relationship and stay withdrawn until they figured out the perfect thing to do to come back into the relationship, because they are afraid that if they make a mistake yoke, and I'm not really kidding about that. The fears at that level, but You can imagine a child with a depressed violet, her mother, who if they make the wrong move
She goes off into a rage which is completely terrifying. Answer hyper you're, hyper sensitive to what you have to do. You have to do it right or anything could happen as you care that, inter adult life of For us, the likelihood that that's had happened is very small, but it still feels like that. That still with a view is so, you engage in figuring out the perfect response, and if it takes you three months to figure out the perfect was but you ve been gone for three months and that you just show up and present a solution that you ve come up with The main harm to relationships is not that you have have come up with the right thing at the wrong thing. Is that you reliable and showing up for people, and so it's locked, reliability, really the timid as the relationships to buy happy to have you around, but they don't count on you and you can't be
an intimate, supportive relationships. People rely on you as a kind of mutual exchange, look at what a mutual relationship is based on really it's the ground,
floor of it is reliability that you can really count on somebody to show up for you when you need them, and all you have to do is trade them that that you'll show up for them reliably when they need it had some mutuality, peace and that creates a felt sense of safety in relationship. If you have that felt sense of safety relationships, you'll be willing to a tune to, though so, to Mint. Is this process of connecting emphatically and also you'll be able to reveal yourself authentic lead to them? If you dont trust somebody else who tend to withhold an authentic expression of your son, if you're not willing to, let somebody see you, then nobody sees you. Can you feel unseen, which is not a great place to pay? If you would
tune to somebody and then the empathetic connection deepens. They can actually soothe you or co, regulate you emotionally, and then what comes from that basis is a felt sense of delight in seeing the other person that this is model that was developed by had brown of at Harvard. Do you know what it's like to somebody see you and just be delighted that that you're there that you you're, who you are without needing to do anything. I had really good parents, I'm glad now, so you know what that is. I do now that imagine a child who never had that Canada wrenching you so I can't derailed you. I had asked you a question about what meditation, how meditation is helpful for people with attachment disorders.
and you are starting to answer, and then I ask another question about how to shoot up for you. So I apologise for that. Back to that. You said the first thing: the way in which meditation is helpful? This sense completely into it true to me is justifiable. he clearly what's going on right, but what Then how? Once you see things clearly, how is meditation useful? Well, he would be in the things clearly move your attention to a more secure framework of operating in relationships, a great deal that is going to be emotional regulation. I think that the goal of Tatian in the long game is gonna, be classical enlightenment, but there's a lot of things. That you have to do along the way so that your capable of going into that class. in line. What does that mean? Well, the terrible sends its error
being all school voters old school was. I would care about a teacher. So that's what kind of what I do that you see through the nature of self, at its ephemeral and not substantial you see that everything arises and passes. Let nothing lasts. As a human being were stuck in a body which will grow old, get sick and die that we have to do a deal with getting thing. we wanted losing them till. We have to do Gary where we work, we have to deal with putting up, but we don't want putting up with what we don't want and then also that's but all ongoing, constant irritation, that nothing is exactly the way that we would have it if we were actually in charge of anything just kind of a double edged sword. How would we but it was not really a charge of anything if you could see into that, it would change this
the fact that you haven't, you would move from an identification with the consciousness of experience into awareness, and then he would this fear. The ground reversal would put you into awareness where there's no suffering and that sets it's in your garage, so stuck in the. ups and downs and contents of your concerns and your actually just the person, the one who is aware of all of this coming and going on the stage of your own consciousness. That's it said that would be class the limits of using that's the long com that the law gave the short game. That is How do you get your life up to organised in such a way that it can support you in getting to that and often what refined, as its relational and also work, wise or exploration wise, many of us spend most of our life engaged in activities that don't really have meaning to us.
in depending on where that the problem, not knowing what is meaningful for instances would not be able organize your life around spending, most of the most of the time the energy that you have engaged in an activity that meaningful as a problem for a lot of people, and so you begin to examine. How are you, organizing your life and living your life and then moving in the direction of that lot of that comes from the practice of meditation and be able to see these fluctuations of self come in, own fluctuations of desire, come and go, were version come and go and then. What we notice is that, in order to change a lot of these things because their strategies we used to mostly regulate ourselves, we need to provide an alternative. Emotional regulation strategy because
the body Bible emotionally regulate itself, with the strategies that you have me don't have agency over that. What you have agency over is the strategies that the body my views and you have to learn that it's like anything else. In the beginning, it's effortful, it's conscious it's out of this repetition of practice, but once they become automatic than the body mind, just doesn't them and meditation, which is this practice of repetition and a paying attention and then a training. The mind allows you to develop these alternative skills that then take over for the ones at aren't as useful to all these strategies that you use like when you have a fight with somebody you retreat your corner and and don't come back and take it into your confident that they won't kill you all the stuff that you describe, that you are doing because of that night in the difficult road. You have your mother went first step is,
it clearly and second step is to be able to develop a healthier strategy right. So if we use that as an example of what I suggest that people do. Is they pay attention to the normal window of communication, which will be different with each person normal window. If well, some you, don't you communicate to somebody, communicate right away back that's too soon or they they can communicate back too late. So another way what that is When you communicate to somebody that your relying on a relationship. How long is too long before you begin to worry that something's wrong and how
Oh is is too short that your irritated that you have to attend to it again, I would be the window between those two points would be the window of communication that if you drop a communication in there that a person just accepted and receives it in the fearful avoided the fearful. Avoiding problem is that you don't respond in the window of communication. Inside the fixes to respond. It doesn't matter what you do as long as you respond, because that's the thing that makes you reliable, you can always fix bad communication. You can't fix an unreliable this in the relationship. Secure people have a view of the world as the as people will be the need for the review of themselves as capable they
too unreliable because that doesn't even occur to them to to consider it? So so so security people are most often relationships with other secure field, because that's the dynamic just missing people, I don't do mutual and so they're, most often in relationships with preoccupied people are willing to abandon their exploration for proximity and as long as they can be close to the person who never likes to be alone, they're fine, but they don't to explore cause. It's all about dismissing prison than the cheerful, avoiding person is almost every relationship with a secure person, because they're so reliable. The dismissing prince doesn't care whether they come and go as long as they show up. They have juice, you're, never in relationships or not in law relationship with preoccupied people, because they to withdraw or emotional
Regulation in the preoccupied person needs proximity, fur emotional regulation. So you can begin to describe these views and people can begin to identify them and see how they function. That then in order, for instance, for a fearful of wooden person to show up at the window of opportunity. They have to be able to regulate the fear, mind that is keeping them from doing it. Then. So you apply meditation technique to the fierce experience. Well enough that you can make the action where the gesture to communicate, and then you ve in that sense resolved that difficult the relationship. So when we look back to the very first question ass, you that sent us on this very interest. down. This very interesting path, the first rush ass was why how and why Did you start meditating and you said with pain, and distress?
what, how old were you what was going on in your life and then what happens subsequently well, I would I am late. Adolescence was in the sixties and so the first, big understanding meditation was transcendental, meditation you shouldn't ass, the white elbow below the Beatles on that dear prudence and my ferrets I've, maybe my for your up late to my son other. So I I was, I was deeply resentful of the four hundred dollars that they wanted for the mud, and so I would I look Grubbin Evans in Illinois I went to which northwest her deny the tops but he had to giving me thereby transfer practice that for a while, it was a good concentration. Meditation worked pretty good, and then I aren't you I was a vagabond hatching around Europe for a year or so, and I came across Rum DAS.
be heard, there was a book that he wrote round ass gesture from the uninitiated born Richard Albert, yes, Boston. Massachusetts in that area Guy went to Harvard or went to fancy schools and then got trouble as a professor at Harvard where he gave acid The students as persons I asked what he was to be rewritten with Illyrian, do yeah so anyway then went on double went. India became Bob around us that the recent history, so that actually worked really well for me- and I know I was in New York and the eighties through the AIDS period where you were an artist. I was very hard and very hard period that you every couple of months code funerals, but he would put a dear friend a whole generation blighted really and the the terrible response from the Reagan administration
So I didn't started to practice. More seriously, has been kind of till up until then also got sober, so it was a hard hard drinker in just a little. Play. Family system of emotional regulation became, you came honestly, yeah did so taking. way, the use of drugs and alcohol as a primary means of emotional regulation. I needed to develop some alternative to that, and meditation seem to be really excellent to them. It really is excellent as the bushel regulation strategy. So if you have afflicted strategies- and you want to stop using them beauty, you can't stop using them. We have to stop and replace, and meditation was great for that.
mostly doing the temper Ruby Shea so that would then that tibetan School then he went from GM to to Bob around us to trumpet membership was a tibetan teacher moved to the west and right to feel? What can I tell you? I was sick he's trying to make sure I gotta go then, when I moved allay in ninety two: by did some of a positive introductory classes really liked deposit was a great and I was a dark orphan for years, because by relational power albums made impossible a relationship with a meditation teacher to until I found and young who is, I teach her twenty years previous guest on this broadcast awesome guest every to go back and listen to that. One he's that guy is awesome and actually want to share and sends other students. Then, if Jeff Warren the HE and he and I just wrote a book together,
familiar, oceans and big fat us. So one of the things of of heavy a crappy child. It is that I have a kindness power which is really high. I mean in order for me to be will to be it a close relationship with you. You have to be somebody of extraordinary kindness and That was the problem with most of the meditation teacher time counter. They weren't kind enough for me, but she said, was and that that opened up a whole kind of process of really being able to go into the mind states and the conditioning than to see it clearly and then in seeing it clearly recognise what I needed to do in order to shift it into a more your way of being in the world. and then also he's said lightwood teachers up the first time I sat with me said I expect all of you to be.
Blatant in this lifetime, which I really was encouraging about, encouraging because the first class I went to, there was a moment where we all went around said. Why did you come here, and I said I came here because I wanted to be I didn't and everyone laughed, but it wasn't a good laugh veto. the second uncomfortable, but you are getting louder? I wasn't getting it always gotten you there. I think that my practice actually trades were my life entirely, so at that I mean, might practice it transformed my life I'm about entirely, but I wouldn't commissar online. It's ok! You know that kind of dicey thing that light of conversation. Yes, I wouldn't, I will explain why it's amazing, because we're a competitive culture- and
A different traditions regard the conversation of beer attainments differently, for instance in tibetan practice. Nobody, even the most lighten people, will tell you what a tape they ve been because it's considered so rude meditative attained ever yes, yes, the impact Tibetans who No, no, no! I'm a terrible meditate, even though like in the those in the know how their super line right culturally at the west- and maybe this is just a good thing to know what is in light met. What do you think and light meant is and If you told me what you thought enlightenment was, I could tell you whether that was what I have, but if I say to you, yes, I'm enlightened without defining that right, Very specifically, who knows what we are actually talking about? What classically and Buddhism it's the upward
greed, hatred and desire. I would say that No, I haven't completely uprooted any of those, but if you look at the four pathway after about Buddhism. That's our hardship, but Jesus failure Can I just jump inverse engenders explained that the four path model of of of enlightenment? those who have studied this thing is basically, and I'm gonna put it simply. There are four, ages on the way to what's known as full Mart, enlightened mirror or our hardship, wrote and each step along the way, to gradually erode the hold with which greed hatred and delusion has over you
you gradually erode the hold that these defilement have over. You so anyway backed you, everything's, so not our hot, my teachers, a guy named Joseph Gold, CM fury of her. That name and amazing teacher. He often says somewhere between the first and the fourth. You know that would work for me because and I and the reason why the recently reticence is- I want to affirm it there's this the reason for this I when I first started out, people about enlightenment and they would get very real cagey. I thought was this some weird mafia american thing? I didn't get it it's what you said earlier. We live in a competitive culture and if you start saying too much about where you are in this model, which, by the way is just one model of enlightenment, then people start measuring where they are against you and it gets into a whole weird competitive thanks a better
in some ways to be a little bit cagey right but its, but I think that is important for you to who is to understand what it is and then look at the person and see if they actually manifest thou, be the better way to do it, because you know you could say anything now. Are you actually so far from it person, from a personal point of view, learn what it is that enlightenment is and then see. If you recognize those characteristics in the person, then that her you're going to work with so that you know where they are actually add very well said that that day you just brought it down to the most useful lower possible, so you that's it. Interesting life, from a lot of which we'll be able to get to. You were an artist you just the of an open, your vector reason why you're in York, right now his you ve, had this opening
at Mama, loved to seven show mobile in you mentioned before that you are a door mantle, that's the big eyes. I think this probably pre sobriety doorman alot of the big clubs your New York were actually it was my sobriety job o real now that's like in terms of pay- what places and things maybe not the best decision door better outside I was raised widow drink. You never did get em. You get in the waft, your Cuds late, witnessing the horror of alpha very real worth agile, but HU. I said all that to get me to the crucial question want ask: which is what do you do now? What would a muffled mobility should teach her and I still make art that's what I do I live in LOS Angeles. We have a group called I met a group and its current were calling it a meditation and psychotherapy center. We owe
our focusing heavily on attachment friends its attachment, I think, attachment disturbances. The basis of And so we have a model for addiction but attachment disturbances, the basis of personality disorder. So we're going to be working with people with personality disorder and we do a kind of cycle education about what attachment is and what meditation is and how they can work together, and then we train people to do penetration techniques that will be supportive in transforming their there in secure attachment more towards secure attachment. And so that's basically what I do. What about people who had great parents in a healthy attachment and are still jerks I'd explained that causes attachment, isn't the whole gay I was referring to myself.
You'd have to convince all over again, I myself, I still retain the capacity, the bigger the old version. Yes, I think that we all should have that as a way of being in the world. Oh spontaneity freedom, the m. so you have the early attachment experience really which wines up at about three years old by the time. Actually, I was at other than brown and he said that they have a new study that shows that the first installation of the working model of self happens between two and five months, but by the time you're, three years old, it's pretty well fixed and it can stay that way. The whole of your life, if you don't do something to change it or some adverse circumstance, doesn't affect what happens next, as we begin. in as soon as your parents turn you loose in to say: preschoolers school, you begin the outbreak,
negotiating your own personal relationships and, depending on how that history goes, that also affects greatly the the experience of somebody if you, if you'd like somebody and they like you back and that consistently happens, it creates a different kind of person. Then, if you like somebody, they don't like you that happens, or it's a mix that sometimes who could get somebody, and sometimes he can't a lot of that its cultural. In the way that you look we're socio economic stuff. They don't have any choice about really and then in peace, really there's another one of these cycles? That happened when we add that exploration around sex? Are you what's your sexual orientation with your gender
Are you able to attract and be in relationship with the people that are attractive to, or are you not, and that also could have a great impact? If your consistently going for people that you can't have, it creates a sense of deprivation easily find the people that you weren't in your able to have relations so that those are the main three things that affect that attachment cycle. can, you have to healthy and attachment, like I have a kid at home was about to turn. Three is our only son, and you know
The EU, not only he, deny any problem getting his needs, met breast whenever he asked something like there's a swarm of people. You know some totally also yeah rapid could but could could could not go pear shaped in some way. Well, I think the term in contemporary societies, a helicopter parent- yes, we try to do that. He gives us needs met. yeah, so you weren't develop in the kid the idea that if he has a need- and he expresses it- that somebody will help him get need met that creates a great sense of security. We want to encourage them to explore. What's meaning to them, and you wanna be delighted by the experience of the exporting, so it's these toothpicks they they can go off and explore at the edge of their capacity to explore. and there they know a hundred percent that you're there when they come back from that at called. I believe I've I've read a lot of books by my
Doktor Mark Epstein, causing ego coverage? I think, as the term, something like big go off: Loring, knowing that you're their cattle watching right yeah? If, if you don't think anybody will be there, when you get back, you go off and explore what you don't come back, if you, if you're worried whether they'll be there, you don't go explore so you. What do you want to try to do is to your child to find meaning in the activities that they pursue and that the meeting should be their own to use the term delight, because the apparent that is, I would say, the primary emotion that I feel just you know I can just gazing at him right. That's also. yeah, it's often for me on and off he likes it, but the union makes em annoying, which is totally food. Logan does it affect people,
that you're giving renown honour, as is bad for my ego but whatever well, yes, kids, some kids don't have that. They have conditional delight Ghana sufferance in somebody up to be a dismissing person. It's very likely that the only delight that they could get was when they they delighted in their parents or they I their parent. So they know that they're getting bad care
And the only way they can get any response at all from their caregivers is by presenting an ideal view of the the care that they're getting. So you can imagine this kills. The man that creates at the hub people who had to grow up to be preoccupied. Adults have had no experience at anytime of to light their never delighted, because the way that they could connection is by bringing up problems I'm so they scan for what's difficult than they bring it up to you to sort of hangry way, so that he'll fix it and it has a tendency to short circuit the delight that they would experience from someone else. Then shuffle avoidant adults, afraid to be seen said: they'd never presented themselves openly, and so nobody can see them to delight in, and so how are you now, after all these years of meditation? And how are your relationships and you getting the delight you need, I have wonderful, loving released.
the chips and I'm actually secure territory down terms of that, I would say secure with slightly preoccupied features were currently at. She cannot do some re parenting. Self parenting is a change of view is maybe a better way to put it. You need to see that actually, you can get your needs bed and the way to do that is by telling people what your needs are surprised have rights. If you are fearful avoidant, you would never tell somebody wouldn't what you need, because you're afraid that if you tell them they'll kill you. How often are you going to tell anybody what you need from them. If you think the responses that I'll kill you ever, you have to be willing to reveal yourself authentically witches. I like to call it the earthquake and the tsunami, if you're in insecure attached,
a new authentic. They reveal yourself here immediately afraid that you'll be abandoned and if you can hold on to that abandoned bid to regulate that relative able dissolve we'll hit be hit by the tsunami, of terrible sadness and then you're just crushed by this terrible sadness could hold on through the terrible abandonment and through the town People sadness, Playlist called the terrible dread, the terrible dreaded, I will say is that you come into a place of security. We might think that oh I'm going to be authentic, now, solve all my problems, but actually you feel much worse doing it in the beginning and then you have to chip away at all of the conditioning and then gradually be able to reclaim Europe had to city, because if you're, if you move toward authenticity- and you have this terrible spike of abandonment, air
the inner thing that you could do arises in the mind and if you choose it, relieves the abandonment terror In a little while you're angry that you couldn't be authentic and then anger is the expression than you to the person in the relationship? So it is very effort fault to reclaim your authenticity. Secure people don't understand this and they give no credence word, because they haven't learned how to be able to take me to say, never had a use for it. They've always been a ten tickets, always got them what they wanted, and so that seems obviously the best way to do it, which is obviously the best way to do it, except if you grew up in an environment where your authentic expression in some way punished or the debate was that you be someone else. Children always try their best,
come to think that the parrot words, even if it's a total abandonment of their authentic, because they can't survive without them. Thank you for help me understand it to last questions These are quickie, well, maybe not will see. Is there anything that I should have asked you that I didn't? I dont know fair enough, for people who want to learn more about you, your group. Where could I I have a website called there to group org so they just have to go in there pretty. Thank you very much for thank you very much. Like you, I say that Ok, that does it for another edition of the ten percent happier podcast. If you liked it, please take a minute to subscribe rate us all. If you want to suggest topics, you think we should cover our guests that we should bring in hit me. on twitter at Danby. Harris importantly, I want to thank the people who produce this project. Lauren,
I'm gonna, go hand and the rest of the folks here and ABC who helped make this thing possible. We have tons of other broadcasts. You can check them out at ABC new podcast dot com. I'll talk to you next Wednesday. There's not a person in Amerika who hasn't been impact it in some way by the corona, I was pandemic, but it every community there are pockets of people who are sitting up every day. This is my my day last day of the cylinder stretch of proteins for one of our ten, and these are America's essential workers, the people who are keeping moving. I turn into a home school mom and now in a new plants from Ebay, see news you going from damaged and even worse, I. She went back to my office inside crying because it's not fair hearing here, making sorry that our community smiled faintly moraine. This is essentially inside the from the
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