Hannah Hart is best known for her bubbly personality and boozy cooking mishaps on her mega-popular YouTube series, "My Drunk Kitchen," so many fans were surprised to learn about her life-long private struggle of dealing with her family's mental health issues, as detailed in her memoir, "Buffering: Unshared Tales of a Life Fully Loaded." Hart said she turned to meditation while she was fighting to get conservatorship of her mother, who suffers from psychosis. (( Links and more info below... ))
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Hey it's damn a brand new ten percent happier is coming up after this. Hey it's Rebecca Jarvis than I wanted to tell you about my podcast. No limits bring you a new guest with a new story. Every Tuesday we're talking to ill, blazing women across a variety of industries here about how they built success and carved and unique path. Again. The podcast is no limits with Rebecca Jarvis and you can I did on Apple podcast or wherever you're listening right now, just search no limits with. Back a Jarvis and subscribe to day for maybe see this the ten percent. Have your podcast dinner. Everybody. My guess this week is one of the biggest you tube stars. There is her name is Hannah heart. You probably know her from a hit you tube, show called my drunk kitchen in which, as the title suggests she gets hammered.
Cook stuff, but she there's a lot to this. To this person out of fans were surprised to learn about what has happened behind the scenes in her life throughout her life in in her new memoir called buffering, unshared tales of a life fully loaded and not for nothing. She is also a meditate, or so here we go had heart. Thank you for doing this, Pritchett is really go to meet you, especially after I listened to the book at in red it. Oh yeah, oh, and I was actually in a hurry. I was late, so I listen to parts of it unlike doublespeak. So let us now is little trippy. Is it because I'm not talking like a chipmunk? Yes, exactly I'm sorry, I didn't even know that you could listen to a book and devastated
I learned this because a lot of people told me they listen to mine on double speed and at first I was a little offended to be honest, but over time, actually, as I've become because I have to do to pack has ultimately any too you know, listen Borri people's books. I need to do a quickly. I do the doublespeak I have to say that reading your book, I don't think I could listen to it on double speed, because it would stress me out the water happened. Yes, love that happens. A lot happens your book actually, and I want to talk about that in a second. Let me just ask you the question I always ask first, which is: how did you come to meditation? an app called heads base. My sister, you know. Obviously I was familiar with meditation. Casual way, and that you know your friends how to do a yoga class and at the end of it they like and now you're going to clear my vulva, and it was always like my favorite part of the class, but not something that I found to be really sustainable. That's like return to that moment unless I was in a dimly, lay yoga studio after working out now I will their sister
became a really Naomi Naomi Yan Naomi is huge fan of an even on doublespeak. Remember the elements is in she's, a huge fan of an app called head space, which has been I mean it's brought met. Patient into my daily life. It's amazing and I've. Really. I've learned so much from it and it's so easy use has no, like you know religious bias. I know it turns a lot of people off in terms of like spirituality, better than that Protests from away that, I think even the biggest sceptic would be able to benefit from an I'm by no stretch of the imagination, of a sceptic of all things unknown by. I feel like that really opens doors or people who wouldn't normally gravitate towards meditation worker impact, as it had on you and your positive one. I would say no it's
you know the metaphor about your either a ship on top of the waves or you like cruising through the ocean. It's like it helps with my reactivity me now on the outside. I'm I'm always seeming pretty like com and less unlike super happy, but on the inside I can get like really she's, really fast and Adaptation is kind of help me like control that, but not in active way, it so hard to talk about my can, because, when you talk about it, you use all these active verbs. But it's really it's passive. You know it's it's! It's not controlled, I'm not forcing myself to calm down must have more calm in me, like my body, knows more how to create space between action and react. Because I'm excited doesnt have always to me. We also hope you meditation experts other get that the funny thing about heads face. Those specifically is that they have this tender. A challenge which is: can you meditate for ten minutes a day? Ten days,
It took me one year to complete it and, after that I got like really in the group. Is interesting euro, accurate, the friends with the guys who do have based their phenomenal human beings? I am partial to earn a newer, called ten percent happier available in the Annapolis, but we find to that that people dance round if they can evade dip their toe in they go away. They come back its and I m fascinated by this. What is it that that stops people from getting started? I mean, same thing that stops people from putting on their shoes and going to the gym you. Now. It's like it's just. It's just getting there. It's its resignation, I woke up this morning and I found myself immediately diving into the same, like thought patterns. That kind of by brought me down yesterday, and I had this thought, which was like ok, I don't have to think like yesterday today
like. I was looking so forward to tomorrow, and that tomorrow is here, so I'm just and to change the way I'm thinking about today. Did you just fall into what's familiar and its more familiar, do not go to the gym than go. You know, that's not so it's overcoming inertia, yeah I've met. I voted to her on this before, but my wife does not meditate. And an I dont lecture her about it, because I know that will be first while she was Gimme smack and second, it would be the short cut to her. Never meditating. I take her she's into which now sceptic she'd, like said her husband, less of an idiot did then he used to be still plenty Lundy, they're not like, but and she's scientists, or she really see the sides it is and is, is into it. Just can't. Get started. Is it ok for, like? Let's say you have a partner who doesn't is not not interested in meditation? Do you think it's cool to be like hey? Why don't we meditate together,
like ten minutes and you can try it on CIA like it. Yes on that with her, we done many times she's. Her problem is just starting a daily happen, I don't think I'm really worried of proselytizing. I mean I have a if you want to listen to podcast, that's up to you and want to read my book. That's up to you and if you want to listen to me, give a talk sometime, fine! I don't talk about it unless somebody asked me because it it's a shortcut to getting really annoying. Actually there's a there was a a cartoon in the New Yorker a couple years ago had to women having lunch, and one of them says to the other had been gluten free for a week and I'm already annoying, and I think really applies to meditation, but I think you're actually on safe ground. If you're with somebody in there, not a meditative, hey, hey you wanna, try together, where I would. I don't know if this, if you're talking about your own experience, but where I would put up a red flag, would be if the verses resistant, I wouldn't bring it up again. Gotta man, resistance,
I'm doing that pack right now and heads face every endeavours that have a I'm not I mean I'm, I'm strong. I am massively pro meditation How do you do? It is fine I now and those heads base. If you're doing heads base, you aren't good heads, those guys her great, I just did. I did the acceptance pack pack is there. They do look a little Andy there. The guy had space who I want to have on on this progress soon does themed meditations quinces there, they call them packs yeah and am also doing there. The pack on acceptance. When I was working to conserve my mom and what would love to conserve conserve our amalgam, throw it on the item bail. I was doing the exceptions pack and what was fascinated me as I did not expect it did not expect the question to be. What are you resisting
What are you, what is it that you're, resisting instead of an in that's really that that question of force you know I've always used like a whip to motivate myself. I've always used guilt or obligation or force or just come on Hannah like let's go to try motivate myself, but just as simple as being like. What are you resisting about getting up? Is such a different question than why aren't you getting up it's a brilliant question. My meditation teaches Guide Joseph goes. You I've been studying with for awhile talks about like in within meditation. He took when you're actually meditating. He talks about struggle as us as a feedback. If you're struggling, that's an important source of feedback and and you should look for what are struggling and what are you not accepting? What are you resisting and then you are holding on it in the credit that Non bank not be so uptight about? I mean it's not easy nobody's.
You working with some, as you alluded to cement her maternal issues that are pretty profound, which lets get I want to come back to meditation, because I want to hear how you found that its useful on two of the main issues. You talk about your book, buffering near buffering unshared tales of a lively loaded it shocked fit. Ten year olds across the nation did because The things you revealed in there that they would not have expected, while the euro- that's it's kind of my joke as you tumors in I'm a youtube where a new terrorist get this big old stereotype of having like teenage girls is there at their audience and data. Fortunately, I've always had like an older, an older group of people drawn to the kind of work. I do well, you you don't want fifteen year old kids getting drunk. No, so not, but I do think that I am a healthy example of my duration and inspiration, but the very family friendly programme watch it with their bare hands. It is
it is in the book is family ready firmly, even though you dealing with some dark issue yet. Thank you. I feel that exact same way, but it so this thing to me because at him this is just an anecdote. Roquat And of one of my signings on tour, I see this like, like small child, like under ten single digit holding my book and unlike an it is clear that they just wanted a celebrity to sign a book, and I look at the parent, like all withdrew to this book, and I am a big fan or in Vienna. And that the dad was like. Oh now, she just loves you tube, so we figured you know I just want to get to the next. You do book and I agree. Sought Heaven, unlike you, should really read this before you. Let your daughter read this. And I was just so dead serious and it's not that. I believe that we should really like in an age on books, but I do think that if the parrot the parents to know what kind of questions are getting themselves into. Oh yeah me this desert these feminism, These are tricky issues, but you and I were dancing
that here, but you re some really serious stuff. I think you do it in a totally forthright way and if I had a fifteen year old, if a dive to world I would or forty you're old, maybe even a thirteen year old. I would totally let them reduced andred. May I maybe the single digits now it's, I think single digital little to younger it. Oh, it's like its opposed puberty book or amidst of puberty, but yes for sure. So he's going to stay there with the reason why, when I come back to meditation eventually is because there are two main themes in the book. One is really profound family issues, the other is your stuff and anxiety and career, and I want to hear a little bit about how meditation helps you deal with both it as Bolivia's get to the actual books in the book. You talk about stuff that I think a lot of people who no you're shiny, happy veneer on Youtube might never have been able to into it, and so, I'll. Let you tell a story. It sounds like you had some some serious challenges as a kid me, air turns out. You know when I grew up the book.
Mainly focuses about like the stigma surrounding mental health and how a lack of awareness and a lack of education and a lack of structure. In our society as a whole really creates more harm than good and families that suffer from mental illness. You know my mother has as psychosis and it just got worse and worse and worse ass. We get older. It's really hard to explain this in a nutshell, which is why you know I wrote the book by the way. We view not show her. You can goes one will happily so. The book really deals with a kind of my mother's descent, eventually culminating in homelessness, eventually culminating in me trying to provide care for her and my journey from a child to an adult trying to provide care for this person that I love, love deep. And coming into system. That literally told me there's nothing you can do and I wanted people to read this book, because I want people to become aware of the fact that
in a walking our children by homeless people on the street where teaching them up. They failed that society. But the truth is society, failed them. There's this giant gap in our health care and are met healthcare that lets people who are non violent, non violent people who suffer from psychosis, meaning yelled there we don't share the same reality. A hundred percent of the time non, violent people end up homeless because of their violent. They end up in jail, which is horrific, and so you have this huge margin of people that are just ignored and this is a result in over if any mental health enthusiast you'll. Now that is the result of poverty, L p S act of nineteen sixty something we didn't and six is there. Like all know these, you know where we're doing terrible things of the mental health care and warehousing them and Mental Institute exactly and in lieu of the coop. Exactly and then the Reagan AIR came in there like shut it all down and but all down, but there was no.
A solution put into place the system is broken its missing apart anyways. I talk about that in all the issues that stem from Vienna were to meet. Some of the most brilliant stuff was because I was relating to you as the character, unless your mind obviously have an enormous amount of compassion for what your mom's going through, but you're the narrator, and so I really focused I mean I think the reader focus is a lot on your experience as a kid in a household where it's gone and has joined the Jehovah's witnesses with which you have few coat with whom you have a few quarrels and and then your mom is not a reliable, in many ways and in this sense the household was not safe here and it's it's sad big enough.
Open the book with a quote from my mom says, there are no bad guys in the story and I think my ability to have feel compassion for another person has been a great blessing in my life and something my mother's taught me. My ability to have great optimism is something my mother has taught me, but the same time. She hasn't been the most reliable parent through no fault of IRAN and its interesting big I thought I lived my whole life with disability to not blame people. But I realized is an adult, as I was just internalizing all of it like any. Rental child? I was young wasn't mad at them with their father, sick there this there that I get it. I get it but meanwhile I was developing. These were really deeply seated self, hey issues he now like when you're a little kid alone House like five six? Seven, you're scared or you're upset, and you spend as much time as I did in your crying, and you want comfort eventually, you just stop crying
because there's no one there to teach you how to comfort yourself or no in there to give you comfort, so you just have to stop and that. I carried into adulthood and manifested in a number of ways what ways. I don't know you don't allow easier to write about the target year, buffering but a common fanciful him! That's why it's everywhere will just to talk a little bit about remain just I've a two year old and so a number of more sensitive to the issues of what is like to be a kid and the euro as you said alone, a lot in a house where was not sanitary, it wasn't clean and you know I didn't really realise how horrible that was until I got older and I it's like such a judge word to use the word horrible and anyone they grew up in the kind of environment. I did ya. Our house wasn't clean You know the animals went to the bathroom inside. It was definitely declared uninhabitable coupled time cps, you never come back
times a year and be like make this fit for human habitation, and I guess I I really really didn't realize that wasn't normal for a long time like what is normal anyway I really don't realize that it was like that in oak is everybody's got issues and I'm in. It's like when you get into like high school and middle school pupils are time. Ah, my mom is crazy, like oh, my family got Isn't all you don't even know. I was again: oh, my God, the sun so horrible now I go to their houses and I'll be like you know their food, their food. But does it not to diminish any of those real traumas that people door everyone's traumas different? But it really took me a long time to realise that still kind of him denial. I guess that it wasn't. It was more abnormal than normal how's. Your mom do know Marilla, she's doing well she's, really working on she's really working hard
everything, I'm she's, taking medication, we're working with a great group. You know, As I go into a buffering, I was able to use one though spoilers, but what I did conserving my mother is not something that happens I on conserving. When you can see someone's, there's two forms of conservation. There's probate, a conservative ship and l p s conservator ship probate is You do with your aging parent. You know your agent. There is no longer able to care for them. Answers, so you take on their financial staff. If they have mention Alzheimer's you're, able to help provide them care, get them into a home, etc, etc. It's really what we do with our parents and they become all their private conservative ship. It's great. They can choose to do it. The issue Is that if you are someone who suffers from psychosis, which is the only group That falls into LP as you then, in L S, conservator ship are able to help get them care.
Whether or not their willing to, and that's like its visit, wonderful, wonderful book called I'm not saying I don't need help, and the issue with someone's reality when you look at someone and say hey, you know what the skies Blue and, if you can't start going along with the fact that the skies Blue this is causing some real issues. You're gonna terrify that person, because that's their reality, that's really real to them, and so LP aspirants conservator ship allows you to medicate someone to to be informed the second biggest hospitalized to be able to make decisions on their behalf. In returns in terms of their psych psychiatric wellbeing, so what I found that was so shocking is at is that psych er and e r r different psyche are doesn't have to notify any family psyche are wouldn't let us in Calais, like oh she's, not requesting you think she's not requesting me. She.
I'm talking about anything. She saying nonsense. When you mean she's not requesting me, you know that's first reading, so where is she? Is she say, placed in a safe place, she's in one of the very, very, very, very few facilities that hope that work with the family and with the person to rehabilitate them, to whatever extent they can be and into society. What? What in you in the Ewe, Ewe, Ewe came out of childhood that was, as with very firmly established, had its pretty serious challenges. What in you, you ended up going to use it It is one of the best of age in the world. How in Libya and its to eventually it's in arguably- true, and what in you, I gave you the strength to apply yourself in school.
It ended his place- do well there and do all that you ve done subsequently. Given I mean I think a lot of people would win crushed under the weight of which of what you are dealing with aid for as little food. There wasn't a house and as much feces there was on the floor. We all loved each other a lot, and I was given a lot of encouragement and I was whether or not its rooted in reality, I was told I was smart and special and I could do anything I wanted, and that was just really encouraged- am that's pretty much it and I didn't believe it. You know I was a really grumpy teenager. I was like good good anywhere, but I don't know I just on my teachers. Really believed in me, it's weird because I still to this day believe that it's the encouragement,
That got me where I am, but I can't understand what that encouragement comes from its like to say that the encouragement is stems from my actions or behaviour feels wrong. I'm just like people have just blindly encouraged me all my life for absolutely no reason. I still feel away with serious food at Kyoto, kudos to your mom fighting through the fog of psychosis. She was still able to trends that message to yeah, but you know in its like inner away. Like you know, we didn't have like and souls are binder. Paper you know she wasn't help able to help us wash our clothes you now, but she loved us and that message came through it, an you so interesting, my mom, read the book now and she was like. You never asked for anything Isaac mom five year olds, don't ask for you to do their laundry five year olds put on their pants
like you know by, I love my mom. She she's credibly kind person who was never given the tools to understand that her suffering is not her. You know what I mean, and so there I'd just just for the people they dont know anything but LP us versus private conservative ship is really important to stress the fact that L p S conservative ship, the conservative ship to help a mentally ill family amber, never happens, Everyone who I worked within this told me. This is not gonna happen. This never happens to the day that when I finally won my case as a wealthy educated white famous person, the I walked out the court, the conservator ship caseworker was like this never happens. Hannah. You ve done an amazing thing I would like this has to happen more like a cannon.
Be that me, whose, like literally basically at the top of our social food chain, still has to really wedge and struggle for eight years to get this done, and that's it I can take time off work anytime. I want and still get paid because I run my own business. Has anybody going to be able to do this for further? get me. A guest me were really incentive sounds like we need. We need to think about some serious danger and no question of independence and also question the matter health system in this country's Jack Jack. Better word than I would have come up with seriously jack, and so we ask, I saw my thanks sailor. Mental we're just gonna dig. Did you have any reluctance talking about this stuff, given your proof you're a career in the image you ve projected into the world was. This is a pretty big bombed drop on folks, I can say with total sincerity,
the only reason I pursued entertainment was to spread this message. I'm really lucky, then I'm funny because it gave me a platform to do this. It's weird, though, now with buffering out and me being in this career, I'm like oh, I did the thing I wanted to do when I do now. What's motivating my mom's, ok, ok, moms, ok, you're, successful, where I want it's weird so weird moment: This is what you are. The ads done check got that message like all I see. So what? What do you want? Now, I'm in limbo really I'm in total limber. You will, I know, and I know tat I do Well I'm really excited yours. I did do, although you just don't know why you're known it, I don't know why. I'm doing anyway
I would like, when you really motivated by family, are by specific goals, which is I dont want my mom to die covered in cockroaches in it Without that, but now I my good check, I feel I dont know it's driving me and I've. I've lost my whip. Let's work on this for a book, but before we do, go back for it for those two haven't watch any your stuff. How did my drunk kitchen get start? Who? Well it's a delightful tale? So, as you mentioned, I would do you see Berkeley and I studied english literature and japanese language so with my two degrees when the market crash in two thousand and eight as nine all. When my generation graduated, we were the over educated underemployed. How old you know, I'm thirty! Just ten thirty haven't birth. Thank you, but it's better in your third is just were drawn. Its absolute through twenties were tough manner. They are
the worst. They aged me yeah, the twenties aid. You make So when, when my generation graduated, you know, I saw one around me, he people would studied rhetoric and molecular cell biology and and really employed things that were destined to go places. Just nobody got jobs, Nobody got entry level. There is nothing so every struggling, and I I've always wanted to make sure that I was making practical decisions with my life, so I pursued proofreading copy editing work. You know my secret heart of hearts stream was always to be in a creative industry, but that pursuing entertainment was not practical and it's too risky. Then there's no say So I would never do it, so I had an opportunity to take her proofreading job out here in New York for company that I was working for part time and David Cisco. It was a part time job here and I moved from San Francisco to New York.
And my roommate, whose at the time My room at the time I former remains in Cisco, suffer from chronic depression and we always lifted each other by making and so one day we're talking on G chat. My sister just gotten me this new laptop and she was really bomb to choose a dude. I just I miss you so much like a wish. We could just hang out like get drug and cook as I do. I might get drunk a good free right now, so I made her a video and posted on the internet. It is called buddy ocean at the time and then a bunch of stuff. And your side, and I was like Qual Missus March, two thousand eleven. Nobody has any idea what Youtube is least of all me. The people been since two thousand, sixty thousand eight they knew, but I had idea, what I was doing out like white wire, hundreds thousands of people watching this and the comments section, saying things like this is my new rich show on Youtube, and I was like show on you tube. What
but then part of music. Oh my god! What if this is my chance? What if I could work in entertainment and so called its later, I posted another video couple weeks after that another video went back and changed all the names to la drinking Well, I mean over the course of a couple weeks, your your twenty year resilient, I'm also five three and like a hundred twenty pounds, drunk as much as I dont want to admit it. I had shrunk early, rude yeah, all of those people that thinks they can drink a lot, but then it's after two ounces of wine, I'm the person at the dinner party- that's like listen, this guy's malay catch. You just had two glasses of wine am? I did I anyway so opposed. Videos changed names, although we might run kitchen something so like establishing a brand, and then at that moment I did not want to be labelled as this drunk person, so I may have different video called advice.
The heart, because I noticed that so much in the common section was not about people thinking drunk people are funny. It is about people wanting to spend time together, and that was something I could do. I couldn't be a drunk, but I could spend time with people. So you, u diverse, voted a number of ways right and how many shows you have now, I'm being a youtube, mainly just about posting content at first, I want to tell me have like flagship stuff. Like I did, my kitchen, I did show called too day, which is like an interview series where you improvise me. You sing your answers over royalty, free tracks So somebody asked you a question like what you favour part about summer. If you like, of South America, as you get to where they do not like whatever its much better without its called tunes. They check it out
I do that, and we are right now Youtube for me as become just a place where postmen video content videos. I want to make any video any video, so I'm of forty five year old Crotchety put you know elderly human and I'm not I'm not in the on line the demo for this stuff, so Gimme, a sense of like who are you peers? How competitive is it? What are the right? What are they Frazier aiming for, so the reality is is that Youtube has become a space. You know those working in news, how well do salacious headlines. Do very well very well, so are headline equivalent as a title, a video, and so there are people. That right stories as they want stories to be told and their people that I want you to know how to lose your bite in thirty days. You know I mean I'm so Youtube consenting AIDS,
and of from two thousand eleven to now it's literally evolved from an independent and energy and of independent artistic space to mainstream. So my little humble channel of two point: five million subscribers to lot my philosophy, so I dont stressed myself out and try and play a game. I'm not interested in winning is just post content, but I still think is interesting. The other day I made a recipe for that red wine hot chocolate thing. You know I just want to make it tried it out. It was delicious. I was out of my drunk kitchen. I did it didn't write. My mouth recent video is literally taste testing different types of apples. I saw that yet fun funny right, so you good clean county Do you? Can you make a living doing? This is two point: five million subscribers enough till it make a living. You too bad sense is not a substantial farm. In that sense, the ads that you that you can sell food aid is not, nor has it ever been a substantial funds. Your how'd you make were what is this?
actual form of income for what you do well, what I did in two thousand eleven was. I started telling t shirts and started selling March and every person that bought something from me those years as first early years literally, they were sustaining me and you, versify. I mean I wanted to be a writer. I wrote and published a book. I've made movies with my friends, you take opportunities and you try and capitalize on them, but you need to stay consistent to what your core values are. Hustling, yeah, you think it's exhausting you work. Really hard, and you have these intense obligations that you want a vaudeville budgets, posting content right, you're. In order to sustain your user base, you got to keep posting, but that's not how you sustain your livelihood. So how do you do it? What what are the sources of income for you now? What do you? What are your? What are the various? objects in your universe. The various projects may Universe include. I recently partnered with food network. After my very first tv show, which Emily really exist. Yes
Tell me anything about can say anything about it, except that I am very proud of it and it's the right time, and I am happy that I ignored I'm happy that I waited till. He had the right team of people with us to go out and sell a tv show. Everybody wanted my drawing kitchen to be a tv show, and I was widened Joanna do. Why would I want to lake, because you don't wanna be pegged? Is that as the drunken, because I couldn't get drunk for thirty minutes on his studio said with a hot light like or you know, if I ever would an Oscar, I want to go home and shoot em decay for the people. They got me there and an Oscar, raise my drunken ok, I want to be able to have that freedom to post and say and do whatever. I want television in a lot of ways. You know is that you have to work with a bigger partner. I dont kitchen is just for me in my friends, two point: five million of them
food network show TAT. All men for network has been the best. I owe you know like himself so happy, I'm really sorry about it. Coming out, two thousand. Seventeen keep your food network, stay slate, treated, don't get your car, don't get your cards, they tube It's gonna be coming this citizen, seventeen and I'm really proud of it and I'm I'm proud of it, and so people dough and watching her liking. It at least something that I think is really good. So back to what you're saying before that your kind of in limbo- or with a spiritual, Amber spiritual, limbo or professional immoral, but actually everything is get your ex ever. If you ve lost the wind, you notice to keep you motivated, while the Good NEWS is that I think it's weird, it's like I guess I'm walking without weights and I've never done that before some so walking. I just feel weird, you know it's like
I feel, like I have more space in my head. I am going to use this time right now, because I I enjoy the work I do and I'm really tired about the projects that are coming up on the professional level. Everything is great. I know how to manage a things and excited to do them in my private time. My private life. I think I'm gonna, take this time and really go attention to the issues that I haven't been able to resolve like heal in the ways I haven't been able to heal that's kind of my twenty seventeen goal, I think during my confessional, my resell. My like this is like. Let me just get this off my chest by making that all public it now has afforded me enough space to go back and take care of that kid in that house still am no. She deserves some love. She died. How do you go about doing now? My therapist wants Andy are, let's Andy
our is like a type of like PTSD recovery. Fair, be thing, I'm just a start. It could you go further in the Mediterranean, probably ask I'll. It's like. I have a lot of resistance. I don't know I'm worried that fall apart in a lot of ways. But I know I will I guess it's like I have to believe. I have to know that I won't cause. I don't. I've never fallen apart. I've never drop the ball, but I have this idea about myself that I will maybe you should follow, but now I remain that way. I think they just need to trust myself an outward robbing the ball workload. I don't even know or drop in the ballot like I. It's like it's it's an irrational fear. I guess I buy worried I'm worried about something that I've already proven, isn't true, which is that I wouldn't I would abandon,
Well, I'm like having a revelation right now. I am worried that if I Allow myself to process these things to the fullest extent I'll manifest them, but I'm not that person like I'm, worried that I'll be unfit and be incapable of taking care of the things around me. But why? Why explained what the logic there? Why would you manifest them if you began it can like when you are, what version of adults who seeing- and so it's like, if you my version Don't hurt was my mom, and so I think in some ways I scare them. If I let myself fully process things become my mom, which is irrational, yeah yeah, but that's probably why I'm afraid of Rosa rational use. That is a big revelation them, and I have to talk about this more next week.
I felt a man I have so much tat like. I don't want to do a site funny, because I'm really a dancer. I could dance around everything like I can. I read it really. I'm really really grateful for my relationship with my therapist right now, because in I do see BT, which is a very specific argive, Behavioral third yeah, which, by the way, works very well with meditation. They often combined an embassy Mindfulness based cognitive behaviour should does tell me exactly and it works really well, because it really is kind of like you can't dance from yourself and that's, I think, one of the most beautiful things about meditation is. I I've cried during meditation out of nowhere, like always in their me, like I'm at attaining an
I know we like pop up in a back humming, like I'm rash one of the mistakes. I think people make meditations, they think it's supposed to yours was to be calm and that's not the point. The point is to feel whatever you're feeling clearly so that it doesn't yankee around does that, yes out I'll, take the witness an end, and so, if your crying there's there's that's your doing right yeah, I ain't, it is shocking. Almost every single time I meditate meditating on planes, I spend our time and hotel tell rooms almost every single time I meditate I realise that I have all this lake. You know when you go through the body scanned moments. I realize I have all this anxiety in my chest and every time I forget that I carry that they're like right now in this room. I am not aware of it, but if I was so, I closed my eyes, meditate, I'm probably pretty sure I
feeling it right in the center my chest and at what I do is I visualize I visualize that it's like. I, like a big threaded ball of fire like better word, like energy, like a big threat, a ball of energy that specific color and then in my mind, when I'm trying, when I'm doing my twenty minutes of like relaxing I kind of and pulling pulling at little threads and letting them go and kind of like unwinding it. You know, but not like this course fully adequate road just come in just how holding letting it come and go when I was doing the audio book, I didn't notice it Director pointed out when I was accordingly audio book I was holding Tackling this. I literally had my hands in front of my chest. To keep myself in that space
where I could convey the emotion without having a cathartic experience, because if I broke down and started crying while reading, I'm taking then away from the listener. So it's like you just stay. You hover right in that space used. They are a dancer but you're also kind of a bulldozer because you done you survived and and and you thrived in the midst of adverse circumstances and and of course, part of the way you ve been able to drive that bulldozers by not may be forthrightly facing some of the. Are mere bigtime whose you mean I'm not I'm not a mental health professional, but it all sounds like completely justifiable to me tat when I look at it. Yeah yeah, but you know from the mine
spell perspective, I'm always looking for reason and value, and I actually think that stems from my religious upbringing. I've had this big believe in my life that if you do good things, you deserve good things like This back, your dad being Jehovah's witnesses. Yeah like that literally life is tit for tat. Everything is pursuit of perfection. Action based, very value, oriented, very moralistic, that's probably where the whip came from. You know, which was good. It was kind of like to brutal ends of the spectrum, and sometimes good things happen for no reason, and sometimes bad things happen for no reason and that, as such a hard fact to accept because it takes away power, takes control. Well, maybe the power is in accepting it dinners. Ladies and gentlemen, I had to make them tethered. I would drop. It
get a dj. Little button do gooder a revolution like that? I think you should, if you, if you weren't so busy, I would hire you as my hype. Person. Think they'll be awesome. That's I'm gonna! Do it but want to learn more about you were. Where can I go? What? Where should we send If you want to learn about me, you gotta, buffering book dot, com and grab a copy of my book. Buffering, unsure tales of a life lay loaded if you wanna come on. With me on this journey, we can finally on Youtube at HIV, are tee o at twitter at each air, tee O Hartwell, Instagram, Snapchat, they're, all heart out a J r t coming out, it's a goddamn anything else. I should ask you, but didn't o question: do you dad do still struggle with in our shops to meditate? Yes, sir, you use the perfect analogy for major waste recycling to jump,
the pain in the butt, and I don't want simple as that, but I know what it feels like when I don't you know: I've had the trifecta, I've had depression, anxiety and panic, and was born on third base. I didn't have any of the issues that you there are two loving cop is meant as parents and I've had all these things, and so I know that if I don't exercise an and meditate my life can be harder. So I just do it. How hard the even when you know it yeah my sister says it's like brushing your teeth. It again you can skip in the morning. Sometimes we gonna you're gonna, feel kind of gross. Yes, absolute mental flaws Fisher, mental floss both of the both of those things you know for me, both of them are really important, and I just think it's like you. Gotta find a paint point with a kind of breezes backdoor time, but before that, what is it my fascination with? What is it prevents people from doing that?
thing or as a friend a new friend of mine from who is in charge of getting people at Google to meditate is like we know the medicine works. We just can't get compliance, and so. What are that? There are a by things, a whole consolation factors, but this sort of inertia that were discussing now is a huge one, and I think it's about you have to see enough the pain of not doing it. You know if I, if I go without exercising or and or meditating for a couple days and then like the voice in my head, is much meaner and
I am less happy and I just have to repeatedly have my face rubbed into poop like a puppy and out, and that's what gets me back on the wagon. I also wonder if it's a question of agency, which is to meditate or exercise daily, but to meditate daily, instead met how much it, how much you responsible for in your own happiness and wellbeing. Absolute, I I think mean this is one of my primary arguments as one of the things they got me. The most interested in this subject is that no happiness is not contingent upon. A meat is not necessarily entirely contingent upon the the the brute facts of your life, like the quality or child hooter, your marriage or or romantic life for your work life. Those things are really important, but when it comes down to it happiness is the skill, and you can do you can train it, just what you can train your body and that huge? That's like a major headlines Waidelich.
Where did my whole career to focus on this, because I think that just a huge thing but you're right, it's it's kind of a tough thing to face too to because, if you're unhappy, certain amount of responsibility in that they have to deal with that isn't to say, however, that we should be blaming the victim if you ve got depression or if the circumstances of your life truly are by object, any object. Measure or by your own internal feelings about them. Bad, though, or difficult that we not only need to blame the victim, but it does. You do have to wake up to a certain amount of agency. We all do have I think that if you're in a certain tax bracket, you have a moral responsibility to society to go to their being and star meditating, so you don't I got your daddy issues all over our political system so, like a sort of
Mental health trickled down. It really should be, but also its like people with money of power, and if you can have power, you better be accountable and, like you better spiritually progress, you can't just move up. One form of Jane you now I live in LOS Angeles is a lot of rich, sad, angry people, and I just it's just like they just won't- take her himself anyway. I'm your delight. Thank you very much. For Cambodia really nice to meet. You really like through you to think so much Ok, there's another edition of the ten percent happier podcast. If you liked it, please make sure to subscribe rate us, and if you want to suggest topics, we should cover a guess: to bring in hit me up on Twitter at Dan E Harris. I also want to thank heartily the people who produce with Pakistan really do very much Work Laurent Efron Yacht, fell hand. Sarah AMOS Andrew Capps Ii Jones and the head of ABC Use, Digital Dan silver attacking Excellency
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