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Everything You Wanted to Know About Self-Love But Were Afraid to Ask | Bonus Q&A with Jeff Warren and Susan Piver

2021-01-22

Today, expert meditation teachers Jeff Warren and Susan Piver return to respond directly to the questions that you, our listeners, have been submitting to us about self-compassion. It’s a tricky concept, so it’s no surprise that you’ve sent in more than a few humdingers. So strap yourself in as Jeff and Susan bring on the wisdom to help you make sustainable, healthy change in your life.

 

Take a few minutes to help us out by answering a survey about your experience with this podcast! The team here is always looking for ways to improve, and we’d love to hear from all of you, but we’d particularly like to hear from those of you who listen to the podcast and do not use our companion app. Please visit https://www.tenpercent.com/survey to take the survey. Thank you.

 

About Jeff Warren:

Jeff is an incredibly gifted meditation teacher. He has trained in multiple traditions, including with renowned teacher Shinzen Young. Jeff is the co-author of NY Times Bestseller Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics, and the founder of the Consciousness Explorers Club, a meditation adventure group in Toronto.

 

About Susan Piver:

Susan Piver is the New York Times bestselling author of nine books, including The Hard Questions, the award-winning How Not to Be Afraid of Your Own Life, The Wisdom of a Broken Heart, and Start Here Now: An Open-Hearted Guide to the Path and Practice of Meditation. Her newest book is The Four Noble Truths of Love: Buddhist Wisdom for Modern Relationships.

This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
For maybe see this is the temper happier podcast, I'm doing Harris again it Friday. That means it's bonus. Time and this is a really unusual opponents. We are bringing back two of our wisest and most popular guests for a cure a session, you may remember: expert meditation teachers, Jeff worn and Susan ever from episode, one in our new year series or you may recognize them from their excellent work. As guy in our new year's meditation challenge on the ten percent happier app today, Jeff and Susan are back on the path and they're here to respond directly to question from you are listeners people, been submitting us questions about self love and self compassion. It's a tricky concept. It's no surprise. They ve sent in more than a few humdinger, so strap yourself in Japan. Susan are gonna bring back there. and to help you make some sustainable, healthy change in your life kick off a new year here. One thinks
before we dive in, we would appreciate it if you could take a few minutes to help us out by answering a survey about your experience with this podcast we're always looking for ways to get better, would love to hear from you the impression Miller. We like here from anybody who listens to the show, but does he used the ten percent happier app but really would like to hear from everybody so go to ten percent Dhaka Ford, Slash survey, ten percent doc com for its lush survey. Thank you for that. Our right, let's diving now, which a foreign and Susan Piper Susan Jeff, thanks for doing this I'll, be here happy to be here. Let's dive in with some voicemails, you know how this is going to go. We're going to be playing voicemail said. Listener is left us with questions about self love and self compassion and meditation before I play you that, though I wanna play you clip of you guys talking, because after we recorded an episode. A few weeks ago, we caught you guys talking in ways that real. Your own inner critic me just play that to you I'll decide quickly feel free to try
whatever you want, I vow did a little bit too not to be so medical particular. While it can, I meet a warm up, so I think I can rambled a bit off the top, so I will not be offended if you decide to take big chunks of that. Ok, I know that this is done business. But I did not hear rambling and I The same as you suggest. Let me start with you. clearly, even after having spent a whole episode, which we posted a few weeks ago in which we about managing the inner critic. Your is not vanquished. Yeah thanks lasting me telling me that much is true. Yeah. No, I mean it's an honor, future my life actually even during recording something like that. the part of me that wants to do the best job I can so I'm thinking about that and I doing a job- and I can recognise when I'm more on point and when I'm not now If I were Morse economists with that,
I would know that it would serve all wash out in the end. It will be fine, but because I am not totally because part of me locates. You know exe thence myself in others in some way I still get hooked so for sure I know that's, why to this effect of practical. That's why I get so relate to the whole self compassion thinkers I need it. Yeah, I have no idea what you're talking about sorry no, I realized This is early when we were. According the other day, the EU played a clip of me talking inside. I noticed I was cringing out like oak, I do want to listen to my own voice and, at the end I said Something like well, that's, isn't piper sounds like a know. It all and the second I said it I was like crap, I just did it. I just just myself and I did feel comfortable hearing my voice and all I heard, and it was well she since it holier than thou
I don't know how it sounded to anyone else, and I don't know if I turned it on a different day. I would have heard something else, but yeah not gone, that's not gone, but what does seem more present. In addition, just like self owning constantly seeing that himself, owning say: where are these illegal fields of perfect mental health as the exactly here you look around a mini actually monies in time with people who meditating for a long time, senior teachers their human. Foibles are right there and I think that maybe there's some people who really have zero suffering in their life. I mean? How would you know I am sceptical super skeptical down at one point in a pass conversation you when I talk about this, I will your period in my life where a lot of panic attacks and if I would tell
someone about it. They would say well, you're meditation teacher shouldn't you just be able to at a tape I know it doesn't change the truth of being Reform messy, crazy, Awesome, human and what petition does enable you to do it. What appears to experience it more fully with a more open heart versus such an important conversation that conversation is sort of like what can you change in your life? And what can you change? You know for me personally, its and diagnosis and eighty d have a diagnosis and bipolar. I have this kind of talk. Turn inner situation for many years of my life and I thought meditation was gonna cure me of that tortured. Inner situation that it was bring my attention in so is less shooting, often
directions that it would bring my emotional life in which has a natural up and down that can be quite wild and it's been very, very, very, very long process of realising that it's not gonna do that it, or rather it does sort of, but not in the way. You think that in coming to accepting the weird way your configured so my case, this particular sensitivity- that's gonna critters were volatile in my attention in my mood in coming to accept that. Then it shaves off all the suffering and the systematic, amplifying those signals that making you more volatile and was making your attention more strung out and desperate to find some place to land. You know, so in other words, by had learned to accept this complicated messy person in order to really receive the gifts of that conflict. Listen. I think that's what every one of us is facing her life. In a way
love that use the word volatility several times and No, I don't have anyone ever read anything about alchemy, the ancient art or the modern art or any form of alchemy, but in the ancient art of alchemy, the four step in transforming something base into something precious is to introduce that substance into state of volatility, which I have sound fascinating, because it's sort of only one something becomes a volatile. Can you actually reform it? so there's something uncomfortable also powerful in your states of volatility there not something to be ashamed of their a base material, that's ready to reform in some way beautiful. Thank you have never heard that I'll. Take it it's yours. I really appreciate this conversation because I may be very useful for people to hear that, even though your meditation teachers you're not avatars of
perfection and as opposed to being demotivating. I think it's just the opposite that this practice can take you very far, but you're still struggling with things. In fact, that struggle can be helpful in helping other people so kudos to you guys. Speaking of other people, let's start bringing some voice males without. There are due here's voicemail number one. I had a very near the pressure self love, how is it possible to do that? Those things in your life, you can't even forgiveness for weeks by Wolf. I relate to that Susan. Let's start with you hear things that you can't forgive yourself for It's just Jane. I wish I could just look at your hug, you ain't! How, because that is extremely for when you can't forgive yourself. So the first thing that I would suggest
stop trying to forgive yourself, because then you can't forgive self for not for giving yourself and turns into this very painful endless loop. So stop trying to forgive yourself. It doesnt mean let yourself off the hook. You can, if you want, but that's not what I'm suggests King feel what it feels like to be someone who can't forgive themselves and tuna to that, whereas it in your body, whereas it in the environment. But the important thing is not this: story of why you can't forgive yourself, because I said this, I did that. All of that in this predicted, moment can wait. It's not that that's potent is important. For now just tune into what it's like to be someone who can't forgive themselves, and if you're anything like me, my guess, is some, maybe in small degree of self compassion might also enter the picture and
Little softening agents can initiate approach Sesar forgiveness that other it goes missing when you just are beating yourself up, constantly I could not agree more. This is this or a paradox. You know we get in these states is suffering and child and of course we want to get out of them, and yet the medicine is to completely accept that you're in this state of Unforgivable mass or you're in a state of depression or in a state of whatever it is that you don't try to it so counter intuitive, you don't try to get out of it. You just let yourself I'll be there and in the wedding of yourself being there I was almost always the sense of the humanity of it emerged see now the humanity of the heartbreak of being human? Its is naturally happen
Are you begin to realise that other people in his place to that kind of common humanity here and compassion is often spontaneously arises? And then, of course, the paradox? You can then move more quickly through that, because from the place of acceptance, all the driven this that was keeping its stock starts to lift and then the system can begin to move all on its own nice guys, let's go to the next voice mail. Hey there and your whole team. Thank you for everything you do. The spears, Jennifer coins I was thirty Iowa leave her need a look back at myself at different points. and have a degree of compassion for myself and to find myself beautiful and really see how I was doing the best. I could do given the circumstances, but I have a harder time finding. All of that. For me.
Health in a given moment- and one of my questions is like- why is like and clearly for it because I manage to build it up for myself even like looking down, I have one or two years ago, but then again it's hard for me to do that, like all right now, now, because I'm always thinking of life oh, I could lose a few pounds or there's a project. I want to finish that I haven't finished and why haven't I am etc. So can't wait to see what you do with all this picture. I appreciate that question very much Jeffrey Sir, with you. This time was z, you're gettin there. He do it like self compassion by degrees? I may I dont know why it's the case brought by its heart wise. he's your two like an earlier version yourself, but if I had to guess because
earlier version of yourself. Doesn't this team for it's an idea It's easier to have kind of compassion for an idea than further true messy complicated. Faster of who we are now. So what I would say is that we are doing great, keep going, that's actually place willow, will star was our compassion is like an early version themselves themselves as a little kid. It's obvious innocence, vulnerability and we can find some caring for You can kind of March your way up through the different year, until you work up to the person, you are now, and we are now all the ways we cannot disappoint. Ourselves is intense, it sort of triggering. So it is the hardest placed you could say to begin from, but that's what the practices yeah. It is interesting that you say Jeff that the person that you are having compassion for who was in the past doesn't exist anywhere. That's really interesting, and what is
this time lag that happens with compassion. What could I do it for what used to be, but not for who? I am many of us have become wired, to think that if I'm not cons, only working or done it myself or criticise myself or pushing myself. whole. Damn thing's gonna fall apart that Lou that holding it together is my self aggression for lack of a better phrase, and that's true I myself and everyone else to examine my PS. It's not and then just like with Jane, who couldn't forgive herself. It's that a good place to start is used for of yourself for not being able to forgive yourself and when you can't have passion for yourself. You could start with having compassion for yourself for not, able to have compassion for yourself because that happening now. That's always a good,
to start with what is happening right now, get your doing great completely surprisingly, let, sir, with move to the next voicemail I hope. You're doing, while I'm calling person perspective, I felt compassionately kindness, after years of working in the corporate. Moreover, now starting a new business and reflecting on how successful, corporate world through my meditations S. Entry talking with coaches, I realize I really had a perspective of continuous improvement and what that night was. I focused on what can be improved, what a change, what was going wrong? First, that's how I was successful in the corporate world starting a new business. I really want a foundation for self compassion, and I want to people to celebrate resource and look at what is working first and only changing, maybe one or two things that is
working and having really hard time. Enrolling myself in this idea. I think I'm still stuck The idea that I, let's not working in order to improve in order to meet the same level that success. But I had no corporate world. I love your perspective. And now I am very positive, generally and very positive with those around me that this is really something that I do to my thanks. So much Are you do I'm looking for a decorating that you challenge not uncommon, I think, to be positive. If people around you and brutal with shelf susan- I don't owe me just see. If I can, take a shot at which she said and then see if it lands with you, but it strikes me that I just wonder whether there is a false dichotomy she set up, we know we do a lot of you know my team, various teams, I'm working on with ten percent happier, we do a lot of what we call postmortem after a project and
but we do both we look at what went well and what didn't go well and I feel like celebrating the winds and looking at the misses, can work very well in concert. You don't need to pick one or the other, but I don't know, maybe a misheard. Her question may be taken in the wrong direction. What do you think you know I'd dad? I don't think I don't think he was heard her it and it is fairly valuable to look at what went well, what went poorly and a key part of what you said is as part of a team. So that's situate, the conversation, indifferent ballpark, and when started your own business and I speak from personal experience here is having what from having my own business, especially when its new it's so friggin vulnerable, it's just so vulnerable and you're as good as your last. Email exchange, someone said they like what you're doing this is gonna work. Someone didn't respond us in every and work, so I think a place to start
with self compassion is too I recognise that when you start your own business, whatever the content is your telling world who you are and you stepping out from behind a corporate screen seem screen or any of the screens, and it just carries with it a very ten cents of vulnerability and to apply. I want to be different. I don't want to feel vulnerable. I dont want to feel the things I M feeling is distances you from what you seeking witches away of feeling comfortable in your skin, New business and it's just not comfortable right now, and so, can you get come from with that in the sense of except it feel it become curious about it. before you try to change it, and I know that meditation can help, because it teaches you how to run waves, not how to dictate waves or change
moves into other kinds of waves, so then I'll. Just close by saying, I feel you and kudos: do you for being willing, step out in this way and it's a big deal. Thank you, Susan. Let's move to the next voicemail by Jan Teresa from comparison is the theme of trouble it is this whole problem Teddy Roosevelt that I used frequently remind myself not to prepare myself to others whenever possible. This is one act of self love that I often turns you in addition to granting myself and solitude time every day that time used for self care activities such as my daily meditation practice. I yoga practice. I walk outside lasting early and reading. My question to you is: are the things we do care? The same
self love for the latter, a much deeper kinds that you consider Hausa thinks you're, offering this opportunity celebrated at such a great question. I'm glad we have people who are smarter than me here to enter it. Jeff of what your take you I mean, I I think it's not like these concepts live as these indelible things let me now that everyone can agree on, but I guess I would say when I subjectively think about self care versus self love. This, of love for me is really about acceptance like who you are as good, is ok. The ups and downs the whole nine yards cyclists to serve this base line, place of working to accept myself this Care is more seeing what I'm, having a hard time and then being into Jane about implementing the strategy that works just like it, you know, your friend, having a hard time you might
help them or want them to find a strategy is gonna work for them. So it's like that more active pieces. For me there. I guess the self CARE Kelpies Susan. Your take yeah. I went out with self love. I just think of all loves other love and self love, it's a relationship and it has ups and downs and its useful to stay in the relationship and ride the waves, when you feel good about yourself, not good about yourself, all that can the self love- and I agree with what Jaffa saying that self terrorism more like boots on the ground, what do I need right now? Can I supplied from myself and underneath that itself? certainly, but love is an umbrella that can embrace self care and more here we talked about this when we did the. whole episode recently on the show, at least for me, I can get hung up on the word, love and I think it's useful sometimes too
dial down the grandiose city and think of it just as Jeff I think has referred to it. You know he used to different word. The word I'm about to use, but I'm not yet loved. You swear words on the show, but giving a crap about yourself. He used the word. That starts with the letter S, and if you can just take it down that, then of course every shift in your chair, as the great mean your impish has said every shift in your chair everything you do has that aspect of care in it and that this say something about the living dynamic process of that care, you when you walk around with an attitude of basic care for the world, for yourself It changes how you walk and changes how you exercise like. Oh, am I in my pushing myself too hard? Oh, my dear, I am I going to do over some limit. That's actually gonna hurt me here. There is the sense in which you start to just have this
Lee carrying concern about where every party, your experience, start to come out and not just as a more intelligent and interesting place to live. You know like big person for myself it's better, more interesting and intelligent place to live inside that than it was previously just unconscious, moving towards my goals and dragging my mind and body behind me like it was this thing, right behind a pickup truck. They that makes sense if it does, it might have been a bunch of strange words, but that Europe critic, but it actually did make sense, guys really appreciate you doing this as always excellent work, and thank you. Such a pleasure. Let's do this every day
with me about my moved, so great a heritage. Yes, thanks again to Jeff and Susan thanks, everybody who joined the new year's meditation challenge in the ten percent happier apples, great, I'm sure, we'll be circling back to this practice of self compassion. A lot going forward I am sure will be doing more. Challenges was see back here on Monday for a fresh upset I guess you want an unusual couples. Who knows everything was studios. First, Greece has arrived on Disney plus revenges principles. All the universe is expanding. Why you re, welcome home model studios, wander vision about first to episodes now streaming exclusively on Disney plus
Transcript generated on 2021-01-23.