The Bugle Audio Newspaper, you all work. How long do you lose on welcome to issue full thousand and seventy two of the bugle, which is not only the world's leading and only audio newspaper, for a visual weld, but also a truly indispensable guide to life? Back with sage, I shall now she's, ranging from how much to become a tribal warlord. How to avoid being taken for a billionaire oil tycoon and how not to win Wimbledon. If you listen to the shout from the start, two thousand you'll have achieved all three. Those I am Andy's helmsman. You may know me from such well known shows as the Bugle podcast Andy's This one's water slide, my him, why is my Turkey still alive how to avoid simple, cooking errors at Christmas and

Andy, met gambling fictional meetings between low profile, comedians and major historical figures, one I'm though a freelance astronauts about will admit. Work has been a little thin on the ground with the moonlight. things have ended in nineteen. Seventy to copy it before I was born October, chose a wrong to undo specialised. Of authorities Beagle four thousand, and seventy two by the most people of coincidence, is that is, that same number, The number of spiders legs found this week in a secret draw in Steve Balance. oh desk in the White House remains unclear whether ban only form a White House chief strategies and income. Nation of Beelzebub Franchise, a bold all the legs of Five hundred nine spiders or one leg of four thousand and seventy two different spiders or an average of four point. Five one legs of nine hundred and three spiders or some combination of the above, whether he'd, actually more positively ordered a job losses, spiders legs from an old

of medicine site on the dark net. In order to find a perfect fitting replacement leg for his beloved pets policy Iraqis who of course and by the name of endocrine wind Stanley, poor envy, wincey spider say he is human. After all, I'm joined this all the way from Mum by India by Man whose skill We combines the varying challenges of being a comedian, a screen Roy amber glamour model by because in Room Leslie on the first two of those three jobs, it's out of our pile. I Andy happy to be here and also Andy Tell you the monsoons of started in India, and I totally fearlessness no, but during the monsoons very interesting time to be doing this Andy because while we speak, you know there is a very strong ability that my neighbours may get washed away and I will get you neighbours. I may get washed away to a different location so

This is a this is going to be an intrinsic opposition Andy because, although I'm stationary! I cannot guarantee that. I will be for the hour right, ok, sobbing, what what what level of of rainfall is at the moment, are you in a dry bit or a very wet bit? Well, I'm glad you asked that are now, because I think I know that the guy that did you guys having in your religious books. No, when you build that Iraq has now thing going on an average south asian monsoon, nothing. I could see I'm in the drive it, but by when I say dry bit, it basically beans ankle deep in here so. We are voting on the fifteenth of June twenty eight seen the anniversary of the exact same day by day, coincidence of the fifteen June Twelve fifteen one King John of England, put his sail to the Magna Carta. These documents that burns

Right in the heart of every english hearted person enshrining such precious rights that we hold dear to this day, for example, the rights for anyone who was borrowed a sum of money from jewish people and has done before that debt has been replied. The needs to pay no interest on that debt, for as long as they remain under Each studies show one most important rights enshrined by private Magna Carta also. Crucial right this that no channel person shall be forced to build bridges over rivers accept those with an ancient obligation to do so. That is a cop. I begin to explain the number of times I've been saved from being obliged to build a bridge and evaluates just nice about freedom to walk down the river?

as an english person protected by the rights of the Magna Carta to think. Well, someone can also be to build a bridge over that are not after TAT, the right off and also that s H ice may be given in marriage, but not the summit of lower social standing and that Germany, so absolutely as a father of two children as a right, I'm gonna be absolutely all over at something my life on this day in sixteen sixty seven, the first human blood transfusion. What it was and I stood by Doktor John Baptist Denise in France and the six sixty eight told a France smash. Every single recording the book draw our own conclusions: six seventeenth century cycling vans as the section of the Beatles going straight in the bin. This week, a special pull out celebrities and the things they temporarily lost.

well, I'm individually. We and other major hours are struggling to find new things for celebrities to talk to us about spot. We are looking at things that have been lost for a little while by the great and famous sweet talk to film actor. Appetito looks back on the time he couldn't find. favorite pen before finally, locating it after I'll, be irritated. Eight minutes search in the trouser book ever suited won the day before American Gulf Legend. Jack Nicholas, tells us about trying to make a beef stroganoff from a recipe book was frantically trying to locate a pot of mustard that turned out to be honest, spice wreck rod. Minis fridge way had been looking. German politics star, Angela Merkel shares the heart, rending tale of woe. now, a days on the amateur german athletic circuit? She misplaced discus and have to throw a sleeping cats that she found by the side of the track instead Former archbishop account. We run Williams. He spells the end on how we once left his Bible in place that are usually kept. His nineteen fifty four no advance lawnmower maintenance and vice versa, and then hats,

improvising Easter service about how Jesus was both the oil in the engine and the grass box providing Rex. For the humble blades of long cut down by like that section, I've been used. Here is an important announcement. It seems that mothers no I'll do brush multi, probably, but don't panic quit there to save your teeth. Quip is an electric toothbrush. That's a fraction of the cost of bulkier brushes. It essentially like having your teeth. Gently linked by a banal an angel it has an inbuilt time, no cutting corners. My two reference- and they said who brushes every three months or your brush keeps your teeth. Looking absolutely sensational, quit was Goldie best electric toothbrush by Jake you and they Tesla toothbrushes by Bloomberg. this issue of those who immense, as complements quip, starts it just twenty five dollars, and if you got you get quick dot com Flash bugle right now, you'll get your first refill back free with a quick electric toothbrush that your first refill pack free

Get quip dot com, slash, bugle, spelled Viti. Do you, I pray dont come slash. Bugle saw now for top story this week and as well. The question is what the fuck is going on in the world and of Arab. You report over sixty percent of the world's population and your God, given role as the Bugles Asia, correspondent direct you hey. No rights only comes on where it was all happening earlier this week Lee North Korea summit, which took place in it single. For how because your continents reacted. One of the first things that I think from said is that he will know in the first three minutes of meetings Kim Jong whether the treaty me I mean

besides and when I read that I realized, isn't that that is how all greek treaties did get signed. A Marshall plan. The treaty over suffer all great, reduce them. The World WAR, the japanese surrender already in the vague about the first three minutes, based on twitching eye contact, and a certain feeling in both the world leaders bottoms, they re which one is coming, this pretty. As you know, we have been tearing our selves apart over breaks it and the complicated negotiations do I need to just adopt the trompe in style. And just have tourism I and whoever is currently king or queen of Europe standing six inches away from each other's faces for three silent minutes before they both go yet and it's all them. I think so. It takes a basic diplomacy involves years of of back and people work and AIDS and assistance.

going out minutiae of nuclear documentation, it's time to do away with that, and I think I think it's time, like you said, for a mix of basic literacy on the spot exuberance with a fair dash of insanity and also I want to know what you think of this, because this is probably for the first time where something happened and the whole world went to Singapore and no one actually knows what happened. I do think this is the future. Of diplomacy, wet where people were meat? But we don't You know why? Because no nor love jealous had no tangible deal was signed. No actual deeds for food. North Korea to get rid of their weapons was decided. So is This really how you we'll have meetings of the future where they will be meetings, but we would not know why pick while, I think, there's a lot to be said. For that most favoured saying is neither the devil is in the detail.

But if you remove all It'll. Then you have no no devil, it is very hard to fully understand exactly was how much we should we should trust. Donald Trump on this matter. He's got a bit of a boy who cry Wolf issue going on us discussing this pop goes in times gone by. Maybe we should take Donald Trump fight. Admittedly, his face is an orange tinted lie, but, but still we will do our best The wording appears to be about as watertight as efficient dry suit, and what will it woman? What of it? Well, maybe this is the future. He said some truly extraordinary things about is new. Best friend came particularly and we'll get into this later when he set aside what its brings vague against

well, leaders who are slightly less tainted by the human rights abuse brush than King John, on a described it described, came as, and I was right very touching- dominate, gave each other some lovely gifts, summit. Donald Trump gave Kim Jong in the joy of nepotism classic book from the same publishers, the joy of sex, complete with the odd nineteen seventies pendule drawing happy is handing power and influence to their relatives. I was Kim gave Trump his new play station for game Kim Germans, descent crush it. Twenty eight eight from the autopsy range of games trumped, describes Kim Jong on as very talented. We took us you can interpret in a number of ways the talented at having his relatives executed by anti echo of guns, the that's a talent. I guess not not one that I have been. Maybe I do have now just haven't export rich of you ever slain, any members of your family using large scale weapon,

without the talent, that's what it is like a try, but each may be separated Chavez writers who is excellent, but Turkey, german top of the world rankings for killing relatives with anti aircraft guns without Refer Novak job, which has been injured from last year's job. and the rankings, also very talented, are being the son of a dictator and inheriting both a dictatorship and the genes that make one more dictators and talented at human rights abuses. Again a legal level? Not not my thing, not challenge the odd I am already at a fount of motorists balls and made her think that Louis Hamilton is not a talented drivers August. We need a cup came German, some slack. He also said, and this without trumped up this about came, he said: he's got a great personality, he's a funny. Guy he's very small. I mean that just sounds like feedback on a first date. This is really accepted it. What do you do? I look like all romances. It has to start somewhere. I think too much of world diplomacy has been called.

You know, has been political and uncovered in so much. You know process like imagine if Keyser Wilhelm, the first when meeting with Queen Victoria could have said something similar if, if any I'm in human history. It really start Franz Josef editing, Stronger in empire had at one point refer a fellow where leaders having a nice bottom. You know I think we'd get somewhere. Is it it said. The one looks like the way does, because they would adopt people talking like the route at first it which leads me to should Andy alone. People saying that you know that there is no credibility to this meeting, but do you think do things like the actual document they sign? It said is North Korea will dismantle its nuclear weapons at a time.

actually decided some time in the future. Now to a despot who you cannot trust whose displayed, yellow shocking disregard for any treaties or human rights Don't you think? That's a sufficient: are you talking about, came here or try them? We have to define these things that I think CNN News read just like in the bill in summit does about when the two dictators, meat in If that was a Freudians little just a basic fact, is very odd to decide. I guess we will have to let history be the judge, the problem with history, being the judges comes out with somebody rogue judgments over the dominant not always sit through all the evidence when mobility of some kind of jury system involved, I rather nothing trump about him. He said he loves his country very much citation needed.

Natasha Unladed. Mr President, I'm an admittedly on about love does manifest itself in some of the most curious, wise or, if Kim, Jong and loved his pet impala, like he loved his country, that Impala would be starving to death mines, ridden flee, bitten and blind of despair. he's entire life locked in a cellar. Thinking to myself, when I had the chance to choose owners as an Impala. With hindsight, I should have gone with Mickey Thee freely. Swine owner when I had that Kim's lava his country is not so much the love, I dare not speak. Its name is the love that speaks its name far too much through. a grunt tv propaganda drawn while you know because the Thick Europe, all the great leaders it I've been studying dictators recently. I dont know why kitchen the dictator week in my life and the ETA bid, looking it more mug Gaddafi. Robert Mugabe, absolutely its range of people, and you know I think, that a first sign of love,

these are the major part of love- is also feel right. I think many relationships between Nations indicators work very well when one tied says I love you and you know if you do not respond with. I love you. You will die I do hope, wouldn't what, when you got married on about, and if you did a speech at your wedding, that you did not use that line a large part of love is fear. I did not. I did because I d I was also not backed up by a large nuclear arsenal like some of his children are. I think I think it also. It also helps that you bring weaponry to a relationship which can give did didn't. I don't think so. This is wrong. love is Saddam Hussein. You it in all these people know it at which, which begs the question. Where does the relationship go from here right with its you have to, as described by

she had had dictators who are in love. Is that enough for them not to have nuclear bombs pointed at each other. I dont think it is, I think, insect it's imperative to have nuclear weapons when falling out the money thought of it is that we have from the romantic angle from as we know there are. Many is not necessarily been entirely monogamous unfaithful through his role, career, so whether this applies in politics? Who knows? Let us turn now to what he said about other well these, particularly in the aftermath of the almost serenely. Bizarre g7 summit, which seem to have ended in a slightly tents agreement that then this integrated into an extremely times lack of agreement having described, came as talented and loved his country. lucky works out is a real dream boat. He described just didn't Trudeau as very dishonest and weak, I'm sure

goes to the wrong way round. Welcome to the new world of duplicity closely, when no one really knows what anyone else means it was very, very strangely Jason Trump successfully brokered a peace deal with his key ally Kim Jong, IL globally. In French will trade

on an old gray while skilfully and bravely standing up to the looming threats of Canada and the worthless economic speck, that is Europe and the rest of the western world, and at one of the highlights with which this famous photograph the went around the world, one of the classic political photographs of all time. I've got a photograph if you could almost have been up painting on a sixteenth century phrases and biblical seen. All the human tension involving carvings on a greek Temple and M, I'm sure or bugles will have, will have seen it it, sir, basically that the two central characters are Angela Merkel looking at Trump as if he were talking. Turd would not allow just leave of imagination and must be,

then Trump looking back at her as if he's just washed in her fish tank without unmistakable your problem and not my problem? Look the he's perfected since, by force everyone else's standing around paid me thinking. How, then, can we come to this India the inner by MR released a Youtube video a few days ago, where he he was. He was good The fitness challenged by the nuclear captain and I believe, a personal friend of yours, I'm leaving I deep deep personal data- I was also a toilet,

where it belongs at why they should have a little talk of cartoons of the Indian. What twenty eleven world CUPS court that I wrote the text for so it's. I believe the only document in the world has the autographs of both and is ultimately and very carefully in the same place, summoned up the value of that unbelievable. Now, it's priceless anyway. He threw a challenge to the inner Bramley stir, if it does challenge and he he was run some pushups and he said now. I challenge to the Prime Minister to do something then they need progress had decided. He was going to make a whole Youtube video in his garden and I highly recommend all duplex watch. This Youtube video, what it looked like, basically Andy was, I think he was you'll get exercise, but what it looked like was that he was lying down and a large rock a train arms are hopes, was the move, but it was shot with four different cameras. Some cameras,

focused on the Prime minister's feet. There was also a little bond in his in his garden. The premises of India has a garden, and not only did he d run around his long. He also took a little dip in the pond and sort of splashed about like a three year old At one point, one one body was twirling: some sort of a baton do This is how the whistles Nothing says. I'm serious world leader more than splashing about upon look a three year old, I'm in there there's no certainties anymore in politics I gave up and the officious if this is the way to India Function as the twenty first century economic force, the Ex Soviet Congress present Rattle Gandhi described. It is bizarre and ridiculous, which is generally

got to massive electoral success. Well, I do you know if you were leading the world's largest democracy and which I know you, but you do it practice and we were told that sixty percent of your life- there it is obese and disgusting, haven't you wanted to make a video to tell them to get fit to get physically fit? Would your approach be to go out and do I gotta than splash about a little in the pond and generally do a little dance with the stick amid Yapped absolutely would amend, because I'm a clearly you mention the obesity problem affecting this nation and we ve had without varies issues that were born and a new sugar tax, not very long ago, because the prospects of major Louise and an early death doesnt resonate with the british public, but twenty five be extra, but look I've gotta! You have awful, undivided nation

attention, but we don't respond well to harsh criticism in democracies, so telling us to get fate, serious message. We might take that on board showing us what we can do it by just splashing around in a pond gout. That's the way, though, isn't it this just a nice acceptable message that does not require anything. money is not the only world leaders were released? A video of his daily morning, routine Teresa, my has just done the same today, jumping on this bandwagon she's released a video of her average morning. It's simply a video of her sitting alone at the breakfast table, poking it a bowl of cornflakes, with a fork saying before pushing me bowl of cornflakes away from her mumbling. No thanks, Darren Viking mean for the middle distance, then putting the corn flakes back eating one cornflake staring the middle distance again to merely speaking the conflict into a handkerchief and saying cannot. Can I have can I have toast

so all the while we deserve after this not there's been some some other exciting news coming coming from UR from India, vertically intrigue and about by this story about the chief minister of of Jelly moving its salons, the governor of Delhi's house, because they couldn't find time to meet. That's correct I mean I don't know how you do your business dealings, but I think this is a perfectly legitimate thing to do the chief minister of Daily needs a bunch of documents signed for day to Day administration of daily from the governor of daily. Now it appears that the governor of jelly was giving him the run around. He didn't want to it him he was avoided him. So so did the next best political thing he moved into the governors House refused to leave and opposed photographs on twitter of him, and his two ministers sleeping cover the scotch. Now I think in the west,

call it trespassing some people call it squatting. You may even call it lunacy, but I think a perfectly perfectly legitimate way to meet someone if they don't want me to do is to just live in their house, because if we don't know what else will happen, we don't know if the nuclear deal will work out in our work will be really. We know that when a man lives where he will go home. That's a very interesting philosophical when looking at it- and I mean it's also the british- why many ways to just turn up somewhere, someone else lives in just stay. There were tremendously throughout history. While the relationship between Britain and India continues to evolve with the exciting news that Britain is well number one rinds motion for indian billion, as on the run from accusations of fraud, and just I don't agree nation. We are. This breaks it rex era we

can still be one of the world's leading havens for fraudulent billion as well. It's interesting you bring that I've Andy because in the last four years we ve had four different billion is cheap, the country in for completely different innovative ways, but surprisingly, all of them have ended up. In London I mean we had their accusations against the founder of the Ip Ella tournament. You know well Andy valid body and he's supposed to have cheated beleaguered vast sums of money, sir. He disputes it, but he disputes it from Central London. The next person Vidalia liquor, Baron billionaire refutes the fact that he is, he had an airline, Kingfisher Airline, and he says he does not all indian banks any money, but he's saying this not from the comfort of his home in Bangalore, but from a sub,

of Southwest London. The most recent most recent indian fugitive is a diamond. A billion collar called nearer Mahdi. So there is also a high proportion of Moody's involved running away with money nor relation to our prime Minister Muddy and these gentlemen has been spotted in Britain. He is accused of taking a fraudulent letters of credit from the Punjab National Bank of over two billion dollars and subsequently has not been seen in India, but has been seen in Leicester Square, so I dont know what it says about empire deep, but I know you you have extensive. We thought about loot, loot during empire of how money went from India to in that, fortunately, you know is a tradition we ve kept up, but now, luckily, our own people are leading us in going to Britain's

a break. News now and well. Buglers. It's been a sensational week in a break seats as we move towards a glorious hammer. freedom. They democracy induced sledgehammer, which we are currently debating with ourselves exactly how hard to swing it to crack ourselves in the nuts It Serbians, there's been some major developments in breaks in the within the british Parliament and in Europe, and I was ready, hoping to be able to give you a full rundown buglers on exactly what's going on, but I will be honest with you now. I haven't got partly because I've been busy this week with my other quotes job, which is talking back on the radio and smuggling down in the factual comfort, blanket of statistics, and I was planning to catch up on what has been going on with the various breaks it votes in the negotiations, but

have raised the point this week. Well, I have definitively concluded that it is no longer worth working out what is going on, because by the time you ve worked out, something else stuff will be going on There's no point trying to work out what all politicians are currently squabbling over, because by the time you got even some of your head round that other politicians will we squabbling about something else. Was the original squabbles saying come on now is not the time for squabbling. Now is the time for coming together for the sake of their nation No one knows what's going on about these, getting old ridiculous, that political parties being tearing themselves apart, but in such a way that these shots of those politics bodies are flying into each other's lapse. So the parliamentary vote are essentially the same, thereby U turns W turns triple do salvos back stabbings from stabbings, all This gives the impression that currently the british parliament, he's gotten is essentially acting like some kind of goldilocks for the twenty first

wandering around a deserted house, sticking our metaphor, international partners in every available electrical sockets. Until we find the electrocution avails just write these confusing times, sport news now and well. We can ignore all of the above buglers as discussed, because the world, up is underway, the beautiful game or almost office, as is known to bananas. Blank And it's all on the wild, there's much excitement in India, but what a classic opening much Russia again Saudi Arabia, the world tuned in Syrians, watching excitedly on their telling. The simple one or other of the two forces pulling the strings in the endless civil war. Yemeni football fans coming

together as one to see if Saudi Arabia could bombard the russian penalty Box with unstoppable process is effectively, they be bombarding civilians with unstoppable bombing raids over the last few years, The answer to that was now. It was a five male win for Russia, against the saudi Arabian seem evidently discomposed, belated and confused buzzing women allowed in a stadium without also seeing women. Instant removed from that stadium. For five, no one for Russia that feels like it must have been a hack would honour will not believe that result release twenty years. All the evidence was got. There would serve some interesting sites at the opening of the year. The welcome, in particular, those that saying for football and politics should not mix or try telling that too my approach in the crown prince of Saudi Arabia and the thief a President Johnny and fancy know who sat grinning Lee next to each other chat

about one assumes football banning protests. How much money is to use oil wealth, the repressed political opposition and how funny is one major sporting bodies, rather than your dictatorial leadership by toting up to a sporting events and sharing beauty tips, not beauty tips area, cracking down on descent tips among those to mixed up, which explains. Why lost my job cosmopolitan magazine? I was always. I love the idea, Andy that that led him, if you didn't it is opening speech had dimension at about from welcoming the whole world said Russia is like any other country. I did. I told her that many speeches are headed opening of events where the leader had to clarify that it was indeed a nation that they were acts up daily said: don't go go by the media reports. Russia is a normal country and then he added we are a country I dont want.

these media reports be, but it seems like the west are a little confused about whether Russia is or is not. An asian work continues to have everything to do with Russia to be asked, and in particular whether we are sufficiently skeptical of Mr Putin to abandon the World CUP, which we that are operating may well issue some form of protests with protested against the leadership of the observations of world cups repeatedly about every well cut. We ve been doing since nineteen seventy bobbing eliminated and I'll be infancy. At what point and how strongly we protest against Putin by doing the same Putin it talks about the wonderful power of football, is it wherever they live? No matter observations. We are all united as one team by our love for the spectacular dazzling, uncompromising game, and this is fully

talking about game renowned for its technical negativity, its endemic cheating at rampant profiteering, its exploitation of poor people from developing countries, its corruption and its complete moral vacuum. So interesting, take on football, your so called for sport to strengthen peace and mutual understanding among peoples. An extraordinary claim for let him if Odin That is not a prime top ten hobby and it disappoint me. The item with thirty five referees on duty. There was no referee on hand to run up the potion, as he said, those patently mendacious with its power. A mutual understanding among peoples not run up the point With a yellow cannot stand origin, unto him like a vigorous normal. Signal with his hands an odour of free Kate for humanity,

Well, that brings us to the end of this week. Bugle, if you have any email for us to send them in to a hollow buglers at the bugle podcast dot com there Some people live shows to alert you to the tenth of July at the Underbelly in London. The fifteenth and twenty second of August at the Edinburgh festival we're doing a show at the end of the road music festival. That's only further. The thirty first of August Lester Square Theatre on the thirteenth of September and the four end of November and would ensure the Lowry feta in sulphide on the seventh of October, I'm off, doing a short run of these satirist for high show at the Soho it. When the eighteenth to the twenty first of

July, so do send your email requests for that show to satirizes at satirist for high dot com or issues considered as a World CUP special satisfied at the underbelly on the fifth of July. Next will be appearing in that Amity Item or festival from the fifteenth to the twenty six of August with right questions wrung out. the end is the plugs and of after you have any shows you'd like to alert all as yes

Shockingly Andy, I'm at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this year from August first to the twenty seventh I've. Never been to Scotland, I do my closest association that Scotland is the Shakespeare polemic Beth and I believe it. The police has changed a little since then in parts of it have parliament not. So I look forward to performing they're talking about very recent events like the british Empire and its relationship with India, a subject that you and I have never explored Andy August. first it wouldn T seven at the pleasant courtyard about thanks as always for joining us. Do hopefully monsoon Season Treaty, world boots, Anderson, water, we'll be back next week until that buglers goodbye.