« The Jordan Harbinger Show

140: How to Warm up Cold Cliques | Feedback Friday

2018-12-28 | 🔗

Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Jason DeFillippo (@jpdef) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week!

If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at friday@jordanharbinger.com. Now, let's dive in!

On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
  • When you're the new hire on the job, how can you warm up the ice cold cliques that seem to surround you?
  • Is there a secret technique to packing and traveling with wrinkle-free professional clothes?
  • Even though you've rebuilt your life since spending two years in prison, you worry that people will find out about your past. How can you own it?
  • When is it appropriate to explore medicine for depression versus continuing to make life changes?
  • When you've got the opportunity to move your family to experience life in another country, how can you optimize your time to ensure you're living to the fullest while there?
  • How can you improve your social skills when you feel like you don't have time to socialize?
  • How can you express genuine support for a friend who's experienced an unfortunate setback without it seeming like you pity them?
  • Is there an easy way to let past mistakes go and stop blaming yourself for life's big missteps?
  • Recommendation of the Week: Death by Magic
  • Quick shoutout to Captain Jose Gurganus!
  • Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at friday@jordanharbinger.com!
  • Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.
  • Connect with Jason on Twitter at @jpdef and Instagram at @JPD, and check out his other show: Grumpy Old Geeks.

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Full show notes and resources can be found here.
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
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for you. You can receive a safety assessment and attend therapy in person or virtually, and because we accept most private insurance plans, you get premium care without the premium price. Don't wait start your new year start your new life today call one eight eight eight recovery. Now that's one eight eight eight recovery. welcome to feed back Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger, I'm here with producer Jason, to fill up here on the job harbinger show. We love having conversations with our fascinating guess. In this week we did a deep dive with gay, Ms Raw. He either Then, before he's that of editorial here at the Show- and he makes me sound, really smart in written format, which is what I love about him, but this deep dive was about finding your purpose and how this path is a more complex than the old cliches like follow your dreams, volume, passion whatever and others sulky advice. Beckoned dismay ass miserable so check out that deep dive on finding your purpose earlier this week. We also,
had former president of Google, China and Artificial intelligence investor Kai Fu Lee talking. A I the right China, and how the a I revolution will be as dramatic and impact for as the industrial revolution, but it will have and a lot faster that one was fascinating. Don't miss that as well First, our primary mission is to pass along our guests, insights and experiences, and our insights and experiences to you in words. The real purpose of the shell is to have conversations directly with you and that's what going to do to day here on feedback writing. You can reach us at Friday, at Odin Harbinger dot com- and I just got from Hawaii Jason. I forgot what it's like to relax yeah, you relax seriously it's funny, because when I was on the plane, I was watching stuff on my ipod and I watch some stuff for free views that we're doing, and then I just ran out of things. I had to do so turned on some CNN, key memory or something about spies, and I was just watching for no reason. Injun looks
and she goes on Kay and I go yeah. Why and she goes you look like you. Just look different and I was like yeah. I feel weird and she goes yeah. What's what's up with you it was like. I don't know, think about this and I thought about it all about it and I went. I just have none to do so. I'm really relax and she's like yeah you're, like completely sagging in the chair and dislike I never looked like that. I always look. You know hyper alerts. She. She was concerned that I was concerned, and I forgot what it's like to relax literally forgot. What that feeling was that's how long it's been yeah, yeah. You know you needed a reset, that's for damn sure after this year that we have had, I'm looking forward to my reset after we do this show so yeah is gets its good to get tat, get away. Sometimes isn't it yeah man, yet we I really can't even overstated. Cool. I ran into a lotta, show fans down in Hawaii in various. hotels and restaurants. I thought it was cause I
half the island, listen to the show, it would be a cafe and people like Hey Jordan, The show man in America, ok and then I want to eat some local food is a K. Jordan really love you're doing loved the episode with so and so, and I thought like, while that's really unique, rarely what I run into to show fans. Replaces in a week and then it just kept happening, and I thought that was really cool. I guess Hawaii. Doesn't the big island doesn't have any folks on it, so there are a lot of events that happened to be at that Well, I don't know Aloha to everyone. I saw down on the big island this past month, and this feedback Friday should be interesting. As always you ve got fun ones have got deuces. I can't wait to dive in Jason. What do we have? First, hello, Jordan, Jason, I'm twenty five! I'm going to school full time to become a kindergarten teacher this year, I was hired on as a teachers assistant and its provided me with very valuable insight into the teaching world. This past weekend was our holiday party, and I was looking forward to attending since I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to get to know my co workers better in network as well
The dinner party was hosted at a local restaurant in my expectations were quickly thrown down the drain. As I arrived, Everyone was sitting in clicks and didn't bother to acknowledge other people besides their own groups. What struck me the most was the admin demeanor towards the others. I was honest expecting more of a friendly and welcoming atmosphere since we're in the education field with children after awkwardly finding a spot to sit. I spoke with it. The teachers and had my meal and left. What would you I do in this sort of situation when everything and everyone is just awkward and rude. I left so up and let down? Since I was expecting to have a fun in good time, but it was very difficult to enjoy am I getting into my head too much. I keep beating me. Uh down. Since I thought maybe I was shy, but I automatically closed up. What are some tips to get them most out of a work event and meet new coworkers. Thank you, the new kid in school. This hurts to read because I've definitely been through this clicks are tough because we feel rejected by that clicking. Business rightly feel
who we take things personally, I know how it feels to sit alone and do your own thing and feel like nobody cares if you even exist in fact, as an only child, I felt like that much of my life because everything I went into was a click kind of almost by nature where I was and Sir and I didn't have any siblings to kind of have made any headway in there. but I will say that it's not the case that people don't care that you exist. It's actually a hundred percent natural for people to just want to hang out with their friends. I wish I'd realize this is a kid, but it is the rare going leader that goes out of their way to welcome some one else and that's true for adults and children. It sounds like your leadership. Is a bit lame in that department. Ship outgoing, make sure everyone's included department, but I think that's probably most professions most professions and most offices are going to have clicks. It's just kind of the way it is the cold truth. Is that it's you?
who has to go out of your way to go around and introduce yourself there sitting in a click too bad walk up and introduce yourself Admin seem closed off, tough crap go up there and do yourself and insert yourself and your conversation as long as you're, not discussing something private or sensitive you can tell of people, are more likely to be receptive because of their demeanor. If you look around at clicks out, say- look I get it- I'm giving you tough love, but there are techniques for this. If I go into placed by myself whether it's a conference of some sort of business thing or a dinner party, whatever it is. I will look around at the different groups talking and if there is a group, talking, that's laughing and smiling. I will go to them first, because those tend to be more open conversations chances are people that are really laughing and having a good time are going to welcome somebody else into the group. I dont have his science for this, but I this is, I do when I go and work runs. I will start with that intact. Typically, people
smiling a laughing, especially if the doing it loudly they have high social status because are not afraid to be a little bit louder. So what that does you can get into that group more easily and you can often rely on some of those people, depending, of course on the situation for introductions to other also gone into those groups. First, also, let's make good use of what is called the Ben Frank fact. You ve heard about this on the show before, but essentially his comes from deal energy. How to win friends and influence people, then Conklin had somebody else and then the government that heating get along with and so what he did was he asked that guy to borrow a book. The guy was an avid book collector the guy lent him the book to be polite and then been sent it back to him and what this day, is it cause the guy to think of him as well? I have this guy out. I went in this book. I must like him. So that's what we call the Ben Franklin Effect will review. Backwards? Rationalize our behavior, so ask advice from the older teachers. Ask it from people that have been there longer show that you ve,
in their opinion, and you want to learn from them. Not only will you get some, I'll drop down you from the older teachers, but you'll also take advantage of the Ben Franklin effect in this situation. this sounds relatively simple and it is, it doesn't mean its ease, those I do give you credit for reaching out, knowing that this is an issue that you need to fix. The good news is that this is fully then you're control, and when you conquer this beer caused by the way. That's really what this is. It's a fear of action in isolation, you'll be in a great place once you kick this to start off your career with So I really hope that that helps next time. You find yourself in that situation. In the meantime, you realize you who needs to take the initiative on this, nobody else needs to do that
Ass. They should, but since there not it's up to you and you'll, be fine. Are right. Next up high J Cubed, what advice do you guys have for travelling with and packing professional clothes? Every couple of months, I travelled to professional events for school and have to pack suits, dress shirts in slacks for the trip its aggravating to get to a hotel. tired from travelling only to unpack wrinkled clothes. I hate having to iron stuff. Whenever I get somewhere, I know travelling for professional reasons will only get more frequent after school. Are there civic, garment bags or suitcases that you can recommend that are practical but affordable. Is there a secret packing technique for these things? Thanks all that you do and happy holidays rankled at wrinkles sorry, I normally dont give advice and stuff like this tat. I have a ton of expression, travelling with professional clothing from my days on Wall Street and now is bigger and interviewer, who is on the road alot. I've got a pack all kinds of stuff and Jan help me out
is because she helps new pact because, apparently, once you get married, you turn into a fifteen year old or twelve year old boy again, and your wife struck its due at monster for you, I shaved there are so will we ever these e bags packing cubes their ebay, packing cubes twenty bucks on Amazon? You stop. Socks and one baggy stuff guarantees in another use, zip it up. It makes it tight and compact, and you can really shoved these into your suitcase, like they have measurements that our carry on size that they fit in perfectly dress. Shirts, I usually take one or two I fold up needs stack them. You can find great Youtube videos unfolding that the ship It's really easily Ministry of Supply and LULU Lemon. Yes, yoga brand carry professional ants and shirts that dont wrinkle an easy, their dry. You could, whereupon the flight you can bike with them on their kind of almost like Platt Polyester plastic IE, but they look like dress pants.
Not cheap their one hundred fifty bucks but they're so worth it, because you can literally pack a whole almost suit in there and just kind of late shake it out in its perfectly fine favorite suit it is to me too, you am, I there are forty percent twice a year. It still pricey, though, get a four wheeled those wheels, rotate we entered sixty degrees. Get us carry on size, suitcase always popular for hard shell case even get a samsonite as well. If you'd want to show for the to me, I get it to me great, because everything's, acts together in attaches together and they have as in maintenance or you can just drop stuff off at a location, and I've done this a couple of times: hey my handle bro hey. This is stuck in they'll, just fix it while I'm in Manhattan or whatever, and then I walk in, it later pack up and go like us we're amazing videos on Youtube would show you how to pack certain items as well as how to pack tons of stuff without wrinkling them. People have mastered then Jason, I'm Tellin, you Youtube has fallen videos were I'm dislike this guy
spend a lot of time learning how to fulfil its a lot or as some kind of engineer and figured out the most efficient way to do it. Last but not least, of yours. happening with a suit: get a suit bag. Not us case that you JAMA suit and it is a suit bag. I have one also to me: it's amazing it. Just to my suitcase, I have one giant rolling closet with me when I go to hear depending on what I'm doing, of course, and links to this stuff. be in the show notes as well all right. What's next hello. The three Jays huge of your show and level one fifteen years ago, I did something dumb. They cost me everything in my life I spent two years and and had one hundred dollars. When I got out I'm a college grad, I contribute to society outgoing fast learner in then cut guy, but it was amazing how I couldn't get a job. I ended up washing cars into dealership in winter, I've rebuilt my life built a company and have a great family. I do a lot of public speaking in my industry and have developed a great name for myself in my
old, I'm so fearful that people will. Google me when I speak or all of a sudden everything will come crashing down again, because people will find out about my background I have now you telling people, but only after I know them any advice, the friendly Phelan I get it this is traumatized or that experiences traumatized, that's totally normal anything your your own boss. Now you have nothing to fear other then well. Shame, and this is a form of what I would consider toxic shame right. You ve got the idea that the path to find you somehow and also combine that with impostor syndrome, and I urge that land because my impostor syndrome is real because I went to prison, I get it, but this is really no. Different than regular impostor syndrome and its because in a league. You didn't think you'd be in before, and you were excluded from Maybe you felt like it could evaporate at any. Second other gonna find out that I am a fraud they're going to.
find out that I don't belong here. I want to present this won't happen, and even if it did you build it and trust me- I literally just did the same thing this year round. reset, my entire business. My entire show I'm almost my entire life with slightly different sort stances I've, gotta presence or understand yet a different, a different set of factors What I do you haven't going to prison? Yes, yes, not yet not yet have been caught. What I'd do if I were you who is on the circumstances, in your talks? Why me by? That is look. I don't know your industry, but I think you could crush its if you added story to whatever is your speaking about even if you're giving talks about customer service it car dealerships. Imagine if you they an angle about how- Everyone has a story and that story affects how they think in that lines that affects their customer experience or something like that and then italian, something is personal as going to prison and coming out and building your business with a hundred dollars in your pocket. What's not
we admire about that. So thing tells me you're not in prison for some character, defect, rave river, some dumb. I think we can all late to getting caught in being punished for something else. Ginning if we got caught and punished for the worst thing we ve ever done in our lives like look if you ve done something just absolutely awful. I understand that you are going to have some chamber on that and you still need on that, but it yourself like it was probably a young, dumb guy move right. Adding your Sorry to your talks to your personal history allows audience and colleagues to get to know you and it will be scary, cause you're being vulnerable, but it shows a huge amount of character and strength and challenge the way the audience thinks about prison and about you and that's a great way to expand the listening. his mindset during a talk- and this is the main of a great keynote speech and personal story here. I'm also it consult with you on something like this or refer you two amazing speaking coaches, who can, if you're interested in that,
You should turn this into one of your greatest strength and something unique in your keynote and just remember, vote Durability is so powerful and its powerful, precisely because it's scary us aware that type of thing on our sleeve, so as a poet the colossal fur says to show you weakness, is to make yourself vulnerable to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength- and I hope that's clear here for you and I think that you should do that. I think you should really get ahead of this, but not just it of its own. This and use it as a hammer to just knock your audiences out, because I think this is the makings of a great time and a buyer that just makes you so unique and so trusting much more than anybody else who might be in a similar circumstances or other folks in your industry, oh and listen to the episode, we did a deep dive on impostor syndrome. You to listen to that. If you already heard it re. Listen to that, because I talk about this feeling of fraudulent this feeling of uncertain
a lot and if you ve got time, listen to the deep diver uncertainty as well. because it sounds like you're in kind of a combo of those two situations. Those too deeply the opposite should really help willing to those in the Charlotte's as well. We'll be right back with more feedback Friday right after this thanks for listening in supporting show your support of our advertises is what keeps on the air to learn more get links to all the great discounts. You just heard visit Jordan, harbinger dot com, slash deals, and if your list to the show on overcast plays click the little star by the player, so we can get the little credit for what we do over here. We really appreciate now back to this over the conclusion of Feedback Friday, all right, what's next hello, Jordan, team, I've been feeling down and lonely for several years during this time, Externally, I've been extremely successful. I built a business, that's grown to support. self in several employees started several new social activities made lots of new friends and renewed existing friendships.
the level one challenged myself with interesting class like improv, achieved multiple fitness goals and overall have focused on living. My best life, despite external, appearing fine internally. I've been a mass, I live alone and will regularly have waves of loneliness and unhappiness wash over me. Sometimes I can even be out among friends, inexperienced feelings of loneliness, despite being surrounded by people who care about me about six months ago. started seeing a therapist upon hearing it recommended over and over again on the show, and I've made progress in feeling better. I can catch him, self, intellectually, when I'm feeling down encounter thoughts of sadness, but emotionally I don't feel any better when I listen to your show on depression with Christian Carney. It clicked her description of what depression feels like resonated with me. Deeply I've been tried, to counter the feelings of loneliness by enhancing my social circles, but I'm not personally, seeing the results. I have additional to grow. In this area, there are always more classes and interesting Hobbes to explore. I could get a cat or a dog
find a roommate or find myself in a serious relationship with someone. But I'm wondering if internal feelings of sadness will persist regardless of the external progress I make. When is it appropriate to it? or medicine for depression, Ursus continuing to make life changes. I'm a functioning or of society in externally, I'm doing well. Well, I do get a mole really down and lonely I've. Not let it stop me from achieving my goals. I dont experience lots of suicide, but I do regularly have feelings of the pointless of life, obviously decision made in regards to medicine is a discussion I should have with my doctor end or a psychiatrist, but I'm wondering what your take is on. If these are feelings, every one deals with the times and when its appropriate to seek medical treatment. Thanks for all you and your team does, I owe a large part of the changes I've made my life to the skills. I've learned listening to your show, gratefully yours happiness, seeker I'm really sorry to hear this, and thanks for writing in your do everything right seeking professional help for this stuff is
great idea. These symptoms are no joke. I hear you on trying to expand your social circles and improve your happiness, but that's not really how this works yes Social circles, improve our happiness, they improve our satisfaction, but if we have regular normal people, brains as we all do, sometimes expanding our social relationships can work wonders Dogan, IRAN, if you're in a place you're surrounded by friends, but you still feel lonely and hopeless. You ve got something. what's going on. I totally picked up on it. That was the one line where he got me, I'm just like. Oh you, have something else is just you need more friends right. Yeah, like you know, when I moved to Mexico, I was learning spanish and I was a little bit depress now that I think about and recognise that at the time, but I live kind of, or even the city in the family that I was living, what they were like having all this all these fights all the time, because the father was like an alcoholic and was drunk all the time, and I didn't think like. I
good family, those like ok whatever in. I certainly get depressed round that an eye number being like. I should snap out of this crap miss my friends at home and steps. I started making more friends and things really started to look up for me. That makes more sense, the right of a socially isolated one. that it improve my happiness level if you're server my friends at a bar and having everyone else's having fun. You just feel lonely in hopeless man. That's a good index, they're, like you said, Jason that something else is going on here. That's more brain chemistry and not just like think positive or something my right. This different, we don't fix depression, by forcing ourselves to be more social unless social isolation is the cause of our depression. So I repeat that we don't fix depression forcing ourselves to be more social unless so for isolation is the cause of our depression, and you know that Then, when you around people, you feel great, but maybe you don't make time for that, but if you're still around other people
Still feel that way you got set males in Jonathan hides book the happiness hypothesis. He talks about three methods to deal with, Russian, and this is oversimplify, but just to give you an idea here, meditation live behavioral therapy or medication. But this isn't a decision you should make on your own, especially if you're already seeing someone about those. If we a therapist great by the way, try discussing each of these options with your therapist and your doctor and am glad that Christy parties episode on the show, was able to show you that what you're dealing with is something particularly cute- and this isn't just the normal ups and downs of life so lean into your treatment realise. This is something you can wrangle and get ahead of, even if you can't control it right now on your own, and you also give up So you have my permission to stop beating yourself up about this Sometimes our brain chemistry just needs a reboot and we shouldn't be expected just do this on our own, without any help so continuously
in treatment and let yourself off the hook a little bit sounds like you're being hard on yourself for this, and you shouldn't be This is something that a lot of people go through. There's no shame in it at all, and the best thing to do is just figure out how to fix it and sounds like you're on the right path. Alright, next up Hale, I have the incredible opportunity. moved a Germany with my family, I have four kids under six in a wife that is super supportive and excited to go on this adventure. We ve, really hard for the last five years and gotten out of debt this year so will have way more funds to seek adventures we'll be there for three years and want to do as much as we can during that time will have it one. Four day week, end a month and to two week paid vacations a year. We want to take advantage of this and credit opportunity to the fullest. We are both musicians in history books you're, so excited to live with all that history so near we don't want to be the type that you mentioned in passing a few weeks ago. That lives in Germany and eats it Mcdonald's. As a season traveller, do you have any advice you would give to capitalize on? They can
since in everyday life in another country, your inner with animal Linsky made me realize we may not even know what we don't know thanks in advance, soon to be foreigners yeah. This is great. I love this. I've spent several years living abroad and it was by far the most rewarding time of my life so far in something like eight or nine countries, so far have travelled to many more and now I dont know particular circumstances of your job or how your kids are being educated. But, in my opinion the first thing to do is make sure that you're not stuck in the Ex pat bubble. This can beat up if you ve got a job its place you with a bunch of other Americans living and working in the same place if your kids are going go there with german kids, then volunteer for things at the school and be as active as you can in their lives. This not only few great parent, but it will expose you too. and of other kids with whom you can connect now too
Germans are not super outgoing when it comes to making new friendships, especially as adults, but that doesn't mean that they aren't friendly and that's an important point to note realize, though, that you'll have to take the initiative when it comes to making the first move, invite some of your Colleagues are kids friends, parents etc over to your house for barbecues when the weather's, nice and concern also having holiday parties where you invite your local, german friends and acquaintances, so you can get to know them better hands. couple, unique things with Germany like if someone says they don't want to come to your party, don't take it personally. fight them again, because it's actually total After all, Jason you'll love this in Germany. If you don't feel like going to a party, you can just be like no thanks. I don't. Like doing that in the person goes. Ok and it's totally fine we're here alone. Man, I know I know here is someone's like Hague. Are you coming? The party to mine you like now, don't feel like, and people are like, ok, you're, too good for us. Are you don't want to go? Why you mad at someone you just like now
I just don't feel like going to a party. It's totally acceptable yeah. You can't do that I lay people get so but hurt you just like me. I worked on it. The yard, my back hurt. I just don't feel like going out to a party to that. You can't say that you have to make some something up. He had ass, yet Oh my cat got run over by you know. Guy down the street. So I'm so sad right now the Anna come over to your house next week near like there's, fluffy and use like oh, It was my other cat you never somewhere. The cat is weird of money. Freight years you denied. Look at you, Germany's interesting like that and the other don't be late for stuff there really, often until all, don't you ever be late in Germany, ever I mean you can be look, it happens but like communicate, and you just don't be late. Also find something you can do with the wife or even your whole family. Like sports ices other activities and get going on those
I realise the language barrier will be an issue at first and that's ok more on that later, three see if there are any expert, that you meet in your new gig that have made local friends and make known that you'd like to make local friends too and you'll stay top of mine when they hang out with those fronts. They'll probably try to include you if you ask them to enforce. Always gonna hit a language barrier. If you never learn to speak, german and three years is way too long to go with the language barrier. Fortunately Herman grammar is hard yeah, but the words are easy to learn and easy to pronounce so get a German too you're on Skype, in fact, refer you. I have a really good german teacher on Skype and in fact I have a few really good Germany There's on Skype that I can refer you to you, Do the lessons during your free time, rather than going to a class and then being beholden to people that aren't as good as you are, like classes being cancelled, you can do this. Whenever you want during where we have a free, our do a few times a week. Do them
with your wife, the clauses so you're, both accountable you're on the same level and then check out the cool university or couch surfing dot com or even some other websites for people befriending. Fats or language practice groups that's a great way. meet other experts and some locals when I was the Germany I found some city or actually back in the old day. They were audio tapes for Michel Thomas about how to learn German and I just listen to them over and over again, and I did it didn't nothing ever really clicked from it. But when I got into the social situations that I was in in Germany, I can understand a lot more, so maybe try and dig up and give those listen before you had over there. Just a kind of get some really good. Conversational grammar gone yet You're gonna, go to the contrary, Michel Thomas's a great way to learn. I would start with this Skype teacher as well, He can get you going on, sounds interact. You, which is gonna, be really important in the beginning, and there are a lot more than You can do to make local connection, such as being a regular at a pauper restaurant playing on US
words team, where the language matters last etc. But if you make an effort to connect with Germans, while you're there and your practising the language you'll be converse national on six to eight months, you'll start make em more local friends, which has no ball effective network effect and on your long weakens and vacations, take the train around it FR in cities in Europe, everything is so close over there. You can see a lot within just a few hours of your home without ever having to fly and I'm jealous you're about to have a life changing experience and the chin. To raise your children knowing a second language, almost natively, this is a huge advantage for them and free for the rest of your lives if you leverage it properly so few broken off, ask aside knit outskirts asian it yeah our necks Hi everyone, I'm in the surgical medical field, working ass, a doktor coming to the end of my residency. to the realisation that senior in attending jobs are being appointed not based on competence but on social value. The problem is this: I had a previous medical
after job. In another area, which I left, I was being bullied there in that place has done everything to hamper my career. In my new place, I have a family with two kids in expecting a third one, I'm completing the exit exams at the end of completion of residency on completing the right up for my phd, I need to work. my current job. Therefore, I don't have much time to socialize, which is necessary to develop a good name nor take part in my residency programmes, teaching activities, which is a good way of developing a good reputation also the stress of doing all the above makes me a little short with people which I find difficult to control. What should I do to build my value to be liable to at least develop strong networks in support, so I can get support for a future job best wishes doktor crabby pants, a doktor. Her I'd be pants. This is a tough lesson for many to learn. It's a big wake up, call when someone you hired for years ago is now your boss, because they built connections and you didn't and I get It- Airbus
with your family. You got the phd etc. I do understand that your short on time, thankfully developing a net. Doesn't require a lot of time. First reengage, weaken dormant ties using drills and level. One then do the lay off if lines exercise also from level one. This way you can start to build a support, network, You should have started years ago, but it's better late than never and as the old chinese proverb goes, the best time to The tree was twenty years ago. The second best time is right. Now I will go these girls here, because there at Jordan, harbinger dot com, slash level wine and videos in their free for everyone. That's your! harbinger dot, com, slash level, one and there's a lot something it's off about this letter, though I believe you me have been bullied. I know you said that and this is common in any workplace. But what is less likely somehow to me- and I don't know your circumstances- are not calling. You lie, of course at all, but what seems less likely is that you are we can now someone's trying to follow you around and ruin your career. I mean what happened that they have.
out for you so hard. Let's assume but this is actually is the case that you ve got some vindictive a hall which is totally possible. The best defence you have against someone trying to ruin. Your reputation is to develop a better. And stronger reputation. That is true did more by others. It sounds a bit like you're not doing that your stress, your short with everyone, because you have all stress near I'm any time I've gotta stressed use myself. I really do, but you have to realise that what you have just said is essentially the following one: you're too busy to connect with others to when you're at work. People out yet you three, when you're around others you're not that nice to them, because your stress about one in two, that's a pretty vicious cycle. In all these things may be true, but the through line here is that these all external circumstances are not hearing a ton of personal accountability here. What I do appreciate is you're at least aware of what the problem is, and you can fix it. So get cracking on
one and realise that building relationships and networks is not optional. I think you see that now. This is a mandatory part of your career development. It's just. Important as everything else you're doing for your career, you're already thirsty It is beyond time to dig the well lover one. Is it Joe Harbinger, dot, com slush level. One again: it's free! You don't need a credit card, any that crap, it's just the stuff. really want to teach the world essentially to go, get it are at? What's next hey, Jordan, I reached out to my friend about something recently and he replied. I actually wanted to update you. I didn't pass the bar. Unfortunately, that's why I've been pretty flaky the past couple of weeks just dealing with it in the that I can so I'm sorry if I've been out of it lately, but I really appreciate you getting me that coffee and sending me all those invited cetera. I responded to Eric sorry to hear hope it works out its now. If you weeks and I want to reach out again to show some sympathy etc and invite him to hand If he wants what's the best way to do that in a way that
I wish him to feel like a normal, healthy person and not someone who people need to do favors for signed just trying to help hey man. This is one of those situations where he's feeling low and he doesn't want to be a burden on any one and its car like what happened with my friend. gay when he didn't respond to me for months. This guy I was like what the heck he's not responding. I thought it was weird and at first I was like did I do something I thought? No, I didn't do anything and then I really do work not to take it personally but I was really weird it out by later on. I finally caught back up with J and he had been going to remain juror set of life crises and he can't get depressed and crawled into a shell. A good friend move here is to call call your friend speech on and see if you can stop by. We in person, and then, once you do tell him. You know he's gone through some stuff and you wanted to let him know that it's totally cool if he wants to be alone for a while and
the around a talk, but once you let him know that sea, you can drag him out of the house for a coffee, a bite to eat, something like that woolmer sad. We often see isolate instead of reaching out for support, which actually can often make things a lot worse with my friend J when we did talk again, it turned out here going through something very similar to what I'd been dealing with all year and one things. He said at the end of the call was man I wish we talked earlier. I feel so better. Knowing you understand what I went through, I wish would stay connected all year, and so it really we could have really been helpful to each other. This year, but instead I couldn't reach, on any media. So is really tough. Also, let your friend know that Europe backed his wish to be alone, but that Europe friend and you think, should come out. He should go for a walk. You should get some sun and get some stuff off of his chest. This is great opportunity for you to help a friend a need. And a great opportunity to deepen your friendship to see my friend suffer at all. But what I will say is that
whenever they do I'm one of the first to get in touch because I see helping in supporting friends out in situations like this is major opportunity to create stronger connection with that person to take advantage of this and help your friend out, if you can I think it's an honor to be in this kind of position and able to help Jason. What's next hi guys I've been through several very difficult life situations. The forced me to look for ways to grow and function better around trauma and help other people through life as well, only downside, is that I have a really difficult time holding onto this new found self worth when I date or get into. Our relationship is ten times worse when a break up and even though I know I'm great the way that I am without any one else, how do I get better at letting stuff go and not blame myself. I think this issue goes back to my childhood in there So much pressure on me to make my mother happy. So I feel like I lean on relationships are for the reassure and I never really got from her when I was succeeding. I'd love to hear
your opinion and to understand what I might be doing wrong thanks holding on to tight. This is great and this is a needy mindset here. This is the you're trying to get this person to love you more to give you attention so you're, both needy and approval. seeking and that's a really bad combination too, in relationships? This will do so all non codependent relationships and will destroy healthy relationships is a it is repellent to healthy partner, to have this kind of mindset and I'm not yelling at you. I hope that comes across. I do have compassion for you here. This is nearly possible in this particular state of mind to find and keep a healthy, released, if you're, looking to relationships to fill a void in your life, and you notice. You told me this insight, of adding to work binding with someone else's life. So you want to bring people into your.
Healthy, interesting, exciting. Whatever world you don't want to look to other people to complete you, that's a huge problem and that always gonna result in you having that needy or codependent or approve seeking mindset, So the solution here is work on yourself. You need to deserve what you want in the way that you do that as you gotta therapy and you're gonna find that choice had patterns are very tough break out of but definitely doable. I would also work on particular skills, build skills and stack them. We ve talked but skill stacking before on the show. Essentially law new skills they dont have to be related therapy at all why gone yourselves to that. You grow and function better, that you have some more capabilities. This builds confidence. It will help you breaking out of this childhood patterns, in combination with the therapy that you're going to in you're, going to find that, as you become healthy. You attract healthier people as well, and you got all be careful that you're not trying to date, people that are reenact
those childhood bat and you can have to bring awareness to that, because you want to avoid that. That's going to result in disappointment, the key here, is realising that you cannot fill avoid in your own life with someone else and a healthy and balanced, why you do it? You can't you have to work on your own stuff. You have to your own stuff out, so that you attract and are attracted to the right kind. If people and then your welcoming them into your world, which is a world that is healthy and in a good place for a long, lasting, healthy, mature relationship until you do that you're gonna always seek external circumstances and validation and will always always always be a disaster recommendation of week, Jason abusing this death by magic, never heard of it. What is it so? magician. He essentially goes to all of these old, where a magician in the past is died, doing a trick, goes in reenact that trick somehow awhile.
He's doing different illusions and research and stop it a little bit like contrive Coronel yet he's good at what he does is pretty impressive. I guess he does. The bull catch in this one, because that's Take. A lot of magicians have died, trying to do the bullet catch. I haven't seen I've only got a couple episodes. This don't spoil any of em some of them. I mean look, it's it's really interesting. I'm I'm, of course, trying to be like ok. Is this not just a bunch? A camera tricks, it would be really silly if it were the guy's. A good report nation death by magic on Netflix serious, it's not just one documentary, it's worth watching! Hope you all enjoy I want to thank everyone that road in this week, don't forget, you can email is Friday at Jordan, harbinger dot com to get your questions answered on the air. We always keep you anonymous link the shoulders, for this episode can be found at Jordan, harbinger dot, com, quick, shout captain Jose G here recently got my coat action and suffering, and unfortunately his friend was a victim of thousand oak shooting Jason and yeah. Just he's been really
under a tough time, but I met Captain Jose whose just an awesome person we were at a party on a bow I was at some internet marketing party that my friend Keith Yankee Through and it was like look at networking and they were announcing names that people that we're on the boat and a captain asked to see me and it turns out the captain Jose G. He listens to the shell and he's like I heard your name being announced. So I went up to the bridge and hung out. While we were on this like party boat, it was awesome s pretty girl and yeah cap they really great, I'm sorry to hear, is gone through tough time and again the action and suffer from the Tom bill. You episode really is healthy and get through that so look there. My thoughts are with you. Your great. Do. and I'm sorry to hear that you're gone through such a tough time right now, but we are with you man, our on Twitter and Instagram at Jordan Harbinger it's a great way to engage with the show Jason where they find it. They can find me at my purse
the website at Jpg doubt me or on Twitter, at J P death, or you can also check out my tech by gas, grumpy old geeks over a Jew G dont show or in your progress player of choice. on and get the level one course, Jordan, Harbinger, dotcom, slash level. One teach you how to make create and maintain relationships. This is the skill set. I really would have been life life, changing ten fifteen, years ago. This courses, free you, don't put a credit card in their Jordan Harbinger dot com, slash level one. The show was co produce. With Jen Harbinger Charlotte's, for this episode are by Robert Fogey, keep sending in those questions to fry at Jordan, harbinger dot com keep em concise. If he can, it helps increase the chair. Does your question will get on the air share them? with those you love and even those you don't lots more coming up in twenty nineteen, have a safe happy healthy new year. This has been a great year for Us a heck of a year- and I just want to say thank you so much to everybody that, tuned in the first year
of our new run apple best of twenty eighteen. We did that because if you really- and it's been my greatest honour- and I think I before, but Jason, JANET myself and all when I say it's- been a great honour to serve you this year and were really excited about what's coming in the future, so do your best to apply What you hear on the shows you can live, what you listen and we'll see you in twenty nineteen, if you're struggling with alcohol or drugs recovery centres of America can help the holidays are over. The here is here and the time to act is now expert private care, a recovery and as of America, will get you on the road to recovery today, so called wanna. Eight eight eight recovery. Now at our fully accredited world class treatment centres in Devon, Pennsylvania and maize, landing New Jersey, you will be treated with compassion, dignity and respect by our dedicated team of professionals. You will also benefit from specialised programmes, twenty four hour, medical care and the comfort of our outstanding facilities.
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Transcript generated on 2022-02-23.