« The Jordan Harbinger Show

544: Psycho Scammer Landlord Alert | Feedback Friday

2021-08-06 | 🔗

You stopped renting from a violent, paranoid landlord as soon as you saw the warning signs, but you fear a future tenant may not be so lucky. Can you publish some kind of APB as a heads up to potential victims without getting in legal trouble? We'll try to find an answer to this and more here on Feedback Friday!

And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at friday@jordanharbinger.com. Now let's dive in!

Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/544

On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
  • You stopped renting from a violent, paranoid landlord as soon as you saw the warning signs, but you fear a future tenant may not be so lucky. Can you publish some kind of APB as a heads up to potential victims without getting in legal trouble? [Thanks to Corbin Payne for helping us with this one!]
  • How can you overcome a lifelong tendency to be late for everything that infuriates everyone you know -- most of all you?
  • How can you best encourage your friend get help for her recently developed eating disorder when her own family is not only unsympathetic toward her condition, but actively exacerbating it?
  • You're a paralegal who enjoyed working at Firm A -- until the pandemic hit. So you took a position at Firm B, but find it less than enchanting after just six months. Now there's an opening in your old department at Firm A, but you're worried about being seen as a firm hopper if you apply. Should you go for it anyway?
  • You've kept the stupid tattoo you got on a drunken night of college debauchery secret from your mom for 13 years. But now you're going on vacation together and you're liable to reveal all when you take your shirt off poolside. Is there any way to minimize the inevitable awkwardness of the moment?
  • Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at friday@jordanharbinger.com!
  • Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.
  • Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi.

Sign up for Six-Minute Networking -- our free networking and relationship development mini course -- at jordanharbinger.com/course!

This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
I welcome the feedback Friday on your host Jordan. Harbinger today, I'm here with my feedback Friday producer, my comrade in conundrum, Gabriel misery. Ah he on the George Bonjour Shootin, see no one thinks about the plural of conundrum. That's that's! What's goin on here on the Jordan Harbinger Showbiz Decode, the stories secrets and skills of the world, fascinating people and we turned their wisdom into practical advice, but you can use to him your own life again, those around you. We want to help you see the matrix when it. Comes to how these amazing people think behave in our mission. The show greater mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker, soon get a deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what is really happening and inside your own mind, if your new today on Fridays. We give advice to you answer listener questions the rest of the week. We have long form interviews in conversations with a variety of amazing folks from spies to see, owes athletes, authors, thinkers and performers, and if your joining us for the first time,
or you're. Looking for a healthy way to tell your friends about the show got starter packs. These are collections of your favorite episodes organised by popular topic, to help new listeners, get a taste everything we do here on the show just visit, Jordan, harbinger dot com, slash start to get started this week on the show we had Nicole per Roth with a deep dive on cyber warfare in the biggest threats globally and especially against the United States. This is an interesting. So if you want to know how the world is gonna end and to do it but seriously gave our critical infrastructure like power plants and stuff. Basically, you can log in there with like you're a well screen name, because the password hasn't been changed since ninety ninety eight and shut down all the safety mechanisms and half of these things are great, yet mildly, terrifying and in like water is not say, none. Basically, nothing is safe. Basically, everything is secured with post. It notes stuck to monitor that says password one two, three four and then you can just dump chemicals into the drinking water. We also Douglas Field
on why we get superpowers one we're angry, so the psychology behind this, how we can harness it without blown gasket, super interesting psychology there on why we snap and that's the title of his book as well so make sure you gotta, listen to look to all that we create for you here this week gave you just sent me to school. Article from the New York Times by right, an embryonic Matthew, it's called don't mistakes, silent endurance for resilience- and I thought this is this- is pretty insightful, so the story is pre. Uncle worked at big talent agency in L, a inner twenties which is kind of like corporate hell in a lot of it. Your job is to basically may show her clients. Dream came true. She loved that part of it it was really good at it, but she hated pretty much everything else or so much else anyway about the job. The red carpet, dish, musing chatting people up at moving her meares and all that and Gabriel. By the way, when I read that I was like that's what most people probably love about jobs like this right. That seems like the sexy part, but it wasn't for her. It is this.
The part that dealing with all the drama and and and stuff I get an agency is often not the sexy part in dealing with Talent- is almost universally a nightmare. A couple, my friends are agents and the like You know who's the worse person ever and it's always this person, you thought, would be super cool and it's always disappointing. Eventually, she realized she'd been powering a job for a long time. Thinking that she's just be resilient. One really she was suffering in silence just totally in denial about the fact that this was not her true col if you well, and she knew it and, as she says, article tolerating things didn't enjoy was for a long time. My superpower resilience without, Any waiting period turned in endurance and they became adept at snuffing out My own vulnerability and discomfort before I even felt it, and the crazy thing is all a crazy super. Predictable, in fact, is that her bosses loved her for that she was actually being rewarded for suppressing that vote that was telling her that it was time to make a change so eventually, after a ton of soul, searching preamble
realize what she really wanted to do was to be a writer as one does. She left her job starts working on these creative projects and that's what he's been doing ever since and quite successfully. I might add, I just want to show that with you guys, because I think we we did talk a lot about resilience of show right how to take a hit, how to stick with goals when they get tough, pushing through the dip finding meaning in adversity, but there is also this dark guide to resilience where we think we're being super disciplined and tough pushing through challenges in many times, we are but really something for just shutting down the part of ourselves. That says, I'm not happy this is miserable. I don't want to do this anymore. This is draining life out of me. Maybe there's something else out there. It's important to differentiate those two things so, the next time you get, self powering through work when you're border your burned out or your muddling through life when you're, really depressed or disillusioned, especially if you are the type of person like me, who takes a lot of pride and that ability stop and ask yourself. This question am
I actually being resilient right now, or am I just in denial, and this is such a great question posed pandemic when a lot sir wondering if it's me the time to make some big changes and willing to pray, Uncas article in the shone out. I highly reckon checking it out. It also really hit me and struck me well, because I spent a lot of time at my old company using bad behaviour excusing me. like crap for a long time. Thinking that both the dip just longer. This is how businesses you know. It's really stressful, there's always gonna, be this in that turned out to be a mistake. Once. started to acknowledge that it did always have to be this way and that there was a certain part of me that was just blind that wilfully blind to the fact that I needed a big big change. Once I was able to sort of
That for what it was, I made changes and I've never been happier, and I really wish I'd done it sooner. So are we got some fun ones? We get some deuces. What's the first thing, I the mailbag, Hey Jordan Game. Earlier this year I rented a room in a decent house, thinking that it would be an interim crash pad till I found my ex place. This was a pretty nice property worth five hundred thousand dollars and one of the nicest neighborhoods in town and crazy people, So you don't have a nice houses, so I figured that spoke for itself. This person has never spent a lot of time and allay, but agreed the owner lived on site in the master sweet. I thought he was a bit off. He mumbled like a big time stoner, but still I usually trouble, then one night around two in the morning, while gaming he started screaming violent misogynistic profanity at the top of his lungs, like you, fucking, or I'll kill you. While you intense it was loud enough. wake me up was sleeping with earplugs on another floor. This wasn't,
You know I got a little excited when I game type a screaming. It was unhinged. I lasted eight days in this place. I then found out that the previous occupant of my room, had hastily moved out after the owner menaced him with a knife in the middle of the night, alleging that he was in an ongoing conspiracy with another tenant to harass him in his sleep. I searched the state court database and was shocked to find that on the day I moved in the owner was literally in court, pleading to another criminal charge. His criminal record goes back about twenty years and includes aggravated assault. Verbal harassment,
do you realize speeding assaulting an officer and more much of it pleaded down or out, but the rest. He pleaded guilty to there also to civil claims from past tenants who sued him in small claims court and won this guy's violin and certifiably paranoid. He keeps renting out rooms to unsuspecting victims and its preference is college age. Girls who are easier to intimidate out of their money he's got a posting for rooms available right now and he's had one up every time. I've checked since I moved out. I already spoke to one cop. I work with about this and he said they can't do any but if someone doesn't stop him he's going to keep doing this scam again and again and eventually Bell snap. My fear that one day I'll hear about it on tv ending in a stand off with the cops or a murder suicide. I'm not thinking of writing a story about this guy to warn other people to stay away. I don't need to say anything about him. That's not available in public records in statements from previous residence or in the texts that he said
and I don't intend to embellish anything. Kanner writer safely, right, an article about a real life, crazy person, terrorizing and extorting renters out of their deposits. What's my legal exposure here- are there any other legal landmines that I should be aware of signed mightier than the sword. So at first I thought this deed was just another superintends fortnight player by God and intensified quickly. I would say, gave another week another psychopath right. This is super crudities psychopath in net and again not the technical term. For all of you who are like it's not the term, we use any more. I mean like bottom line. Super super weird creepy stuff. I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation, but good on you for figuring out and leaving so quickly, eight days, I can imagine, it must have been pretty intends to get me out and eight days. You don't and may be forfeit my deposit, its credible to me that these parasites are allowed to keep doing what they do oftentimes, there's really just nothing to stop them legally. So I get why you
feel compelled to write a story about this. Guy this is your superpower, it might be the one thing that exposure dude for who he is and so great headline, decide scammer landlord, I'm. Definitely click on that have both other hand, though you're dealing with they known monster, who is and paranoid? Who knows what will happen when he kicked the Hornets nest? I know it Thomas Eriksson, say, he's our resident, psychopath expert, he'd say, walk away, it's not worth it Cannot win this game, get as far away as you can from this guy, just walk away, but I get it. That's probably be easiest and most prudent thing to do. But I asked get why you want to take this easy, no job down, and you might just be the person who can do that. Just know that you're in getting some degree of risk, maybe a lot of risk. By doing this, you published the article you might find yourself tearing at this dude knife in an outward since parking lot, one day or something or who knows you know maybe he'll be riding
a prison cell somewhere and you'll be safe, although it doesn't sound These crimes would put him away for a long period of time, as you do have to consider your exposure here. That said, Europe asking a legal question here, and I a lawyer, but not your lawyer, so we consulted with the one and only carbon pain, defence attorney and friend, of the show and carbons take is that this is essentially a question about defamation, legal part anyway. So super quick legal lesson here. Sickly. A statement about a private individual as opposed to a public figure, is defamatory if a its false and be the defamer made this. it meant recklessly or negligently and see. The statement causes harm to the person about whom this statement was made. The really important point here is that a true statement can not be construed as defamation show for the purpose,
of your question, we're going to assume that all of your allegations against this guy are true and that you can back them up with evidence, and if you can't, a court might find that the we were not true or were made recklessly or negligently, and you could have been found to have defamed this guy. Now, of course, he's remember: he's gotta sue you for that. So which is unlikely as well. So bottom line is carbons view. Is you can run about this guy's criminal record to your heart's content, because that is a public record. You're, not revealing anything new? You can talk about the arrests, the convictions the allegations made in The allegations made in the charging documents. All of that Coffee at here is that you need to sure you use the correct terminology in how you characterize this guy's interactions with the police psycho landlord. He might have been arrested for half a dozen serious felonies, but that doesn't mean he was convicted of all of those felony
so. It's pretty common for defendants to plead to a lower number of crimes than what they were arrested for, and the same applies to any civil cases too. Like carbon said it's one thing to be sued, for thing. It's another thing to be found liable for the exact thing alleged in the law suits. You have to be very precise in the lane you use you dont want to say somebody was convicted of X Y, see when they were just arrested for that. were arrested for aggravated assault, but not convicted of aggravated assault. They were only convicted of some misdemeanor. You dont want to confuse those, because that could be defamatory. The second hand gains against the sky, though those falling into or of a grey zone, mean it's good to have statements from sources in writing, but that doesn't mean that the statements are true. So in order to avoid being found reckless or negligent corbians view is that you're gonna need to take some steps to really ask
and the truth of this matter. This is one reason why journalists try to get two or three different sources to confirm the allegations of another source to really make sure that their story is air tight. But if you can't confirm certain incidents, you can always give yourself. Some protection by explicit acknowledging that no one else was a witness to them. So you can even say in the article so and so alleges this there was Other person who witnessed this this incident that way just reporting on what was said instead of defaming buddy by alleging something yourself right. Super sound advice, also one of the elements of defamation could actually work in your favour here. So curbing gave us this. Other example thought this was interesting, so imagine that some reporter right wrote a story about Harvey Wine state. Yes, a Hydra Wednesday right famous bollywood producer famous for sexual assault, he's in the news and lets say this report a wrote, a story about here.
Verbally abusing his kids. Let's also imagine that Harvey Wednesday was actually a doting, loving father and these specific allegations they aren't true, so he could turn around and our case and sue the reporter prove that the statements were false but still lose his case, because it doesn't damages reputation any more than it already is like he's already known as one of the most prolific sexual assault, perpetrators alive right, so additional allegations of child abuse. Those probably wouldn't cause the rest of the world to think any less of him. Given the facts and it wouldn't harm his ability to get business or form relationships are
thing like that. His other behaviour, as already basically close those doors, so you can see where carbons going with this right. If psycho landlords criminal history includes a bunch of assault convictions, then you could argue that saying it happened again recently doesn't do any more damage to the sky. His assaulted behaviour that the matter of public record also, if the record shows that he's a generally violent and crappy person that the cops have been called to his home on multiple occasions that he's burn through a bunch of other tenants and a short amount of time.
You could argue that describing additional experiences of similar behaviour not really doing any more damage bright and therefore not defamation? That said, you still have to be very careful about how you make your assertions in this article, especially about this guy targeting young female college students so basically need to make sure your differentiating between the unvarnished facts and your opinion of those facts. So if you say that a large number of college aged females have stayed in the skies room and they ve all vacated the premises in short order, that's fair game. That's objectively! What happened? The implication
that number or the explanations for it. That's something else this guy might be running the scheme because he loves gaining power over women. Sure that's possible, but he might also be doing it just to exploit them for money or because they're less suspecting targets or who knows maybe just college age. Women happened to make up the majority of the rental market in his neighborhood. You just don't know so. Those speculations are just bad, as Corbin pointed out of the speculations supported by facts, so cord ices don't present them as unvarnished tracks. That's great and in one last thought here is this land Lord on probation, because if he is carbon point that possessing a knife, much less threatening someone with it sounds like a probation violation. Anyone on probation signs away some of their rights in exchange for being allowed to serve a sentence on probation egg is. It depends on the knife right, but oftentimes will agree that a probation officer can their home without having to go through the process of them getting a warrant, and if this guy's convicted Phelan possessing a
when is absolutely a violation of probation and it's likely a serious crime in and of itself, so you might look up who this guy's probation officer is give that person a ring fill them in and what's been going on at this guy's house, his p o is parole officer. probably listed on the plea agreement itself or its on file with the court clerks office, you can play we get it ready handily by calling a getting those court document. Personally, I am a big fan of this option, because you'd be used the system is already in place to hold him accountable and you be able to do without dragging your name into it, but we have also heard stories the show about parole officer is just not doing anything about a serious predator, so it is possible goes nowhere any slip through the cracks, in which case your article might be the thing that takes him down, but it doesn't have to be the next step right. You can go there with the p o route first and maybe keep your name out of the motto or at least of the line of fire. So basically you stick to the facts here. You should be well protected
legally speaking, that doesn't mean he's going to sue. You of course, he's unpredictable. Her probably be pissed. I'd be ready for anything if he has the money to do that, but his case is gonna be flimsy, if not totally unfounded. Also, if you work with a legit by the way libel lawsuits are super expensive in the first place. Also, if you work with a legit publication to publish this their editors and lawyers should make sure that your sourcing and language are in good shape as well, and if this guy did sue you the pub patient might even represent you. You know that there might be something to that. I would ask about that when you signed a contract with them, I'm not sure how it works with freelancers. Maybe there's laws and there you could push for you know, maybe that protect you are reimbursed. If this guy ever took action, it's hard to say, if you dont work with a publication, then I would consider consulting with an attorney yourself and may be partner with an experienced journalist who can t The process that they go through seek and really doubt the eyes and cross the t S on your own. But good luck,
and I would love to see a journalist take this guy down, especially somebody who was one of his victims. I think you might be saving someone's life. You know college women can often defend themselves against some old creepy psycho guy with a knife, nor can most people for that matter. be a great story, is well just be rigorous. Do your leg work and most of all watcher back on this one. I hope that this guy, be crashes and burns. I hope you take him down, but he might lash out at you before. He does and definitely sent us away when you published to say by the way you could reach us Friday, Jordan, harbinger dot com! Please keep your emails, concise, try to use a descriptive subject, line that always helps us out here, maybe Job easier include the state and country eleven that'll help us give more detailed advice, and if there's some you're gone through any big decision, that you're wrestling with or you just need a new perspective on stuff, like life love work that it makes and after a fatal car accident. Still thinking about that one from last week, well gave that was intense hit us up Friday at
Norton harbinger dot com, we're here to help, and we keep every email anonymous here, listening to feedback Friday here on, the Jordan Harbinger show we'll be right back. What's next, hey guys, I'm twenty five years old and I've been chronically late since the day I was born, I'm late everywhere I go nowhere.
What always it doesn't matter where I'm going doctors, appointments dates, handouts or, worst of all, by job. This drives everybody. I know nuts and nobody's more disappointed with my own timeliness than I am. I know I have poor time management skills, but sometimes it seems like an almost supernatural occurrence if I leave the house with plenty of time to spare I'll hit traffic or have a car problem or wind up and implement whether I've been attempting to fix this problem. My whole life- and I keep coming back to my sleep, I'm extremely hard to wake up and I even have an unconscious personality that speaks and does stuff, while I'm still asleep like turning off my alarms, not quite sleepwalking but close. I've done asleep study and everything came back normal. So waking myself up has consisted of alarms, bright lights and even small electrocutions
ok, I wonder how you said that up to now is, I think, a little bit you put on your finger new year, China PICS of it being laid, has cost me jobs in the past, but I'm finally other company I really like and want to stay with. They brought my clock in times to my attention more than once, I'm never more than two or three minutes late. But if I'm not close, why can't I just seem to make it an on time. My boss says that other than my time card, I'm a model employ. Why is this happening? Do you have any advice on keeping a tighter schedule? I love the show and all that you guys do, even if I never listened to the US on time and of course it up signed not trying to brag, but I do ten dollars. You know this is a. This is actually a great question. The two to three minutes thing sticks out to you: don't get there in a second, your definitely not alone in this problem. Lots of people struggle with this, but you're right. The stakes are high and there are really. good reasons to fix this, so let's get into it first,
we did some digging. There are tons of theories out there about why people are chronically late. We all know somebody like this, a common one. Is they just failed to act? we judge how long a task will take, whether its finishing something up before they leave the house. Or estimating how long it will take to get somewhere with traffic. This is known as the planning fallacy kind of self explanatory doktor guy winch. He was actually a guest on the show that was episode. Sixty six talk about a throwback. He pointed out in one of his articles that a common blind spot for late people is assuming how long a task or journey should take, rather than how long it can take. So, for example, they tend to assume the traffic shouldn't be bad, rather than assuming that it might be bad or they rely on other people's estimates without leaving some margin for error or building in a cushion guy. Also, Another interesting theory, which is that late people have a hard time being comfortable with the idea of being early, so they tend to not planned something
do when, for example, they have some time to kill at the airport or their the first ones, to a meeting another common trade of, ironically late people is that their more light let it be multitask. Hers, there's an interesting study from two thousand and three that found that of one hundred and eighty one subway operators in New York City has been talk about people who you probably shouldn't, be multitasking. Those who preferred multi tasking were more often late to their job. What explanation is that multitasking makes harder to engage in medical cognition, which is basically an awareness of what you're doing again, something we hope that subway drivers have so what you get caught up the multitasking and when you finally look up your late, there's also some evidence that Ebay, people are more punctual and tight. Be people tend to be late because they literally experience time differently. So in one study, researchers found that for type a people a minute past and fifty eight seconds, pretty close, whereas tight, be people felt a minute pass in seventy seven seconds which is pretty
fascinating and there's the story that late people on some level maybe enjoy being late, because it creates a mini crisis and adrenaline rush. It gives them a boost. They need to get something done. They basically thrive on the panic of running late. They need that many I should stress to get something done. I definitely know some people like that. I am the opposite of that. That drives me crazy. I hate that feeling, but I know a lot of people properly hook done it, but whatever the science thing is for sure being chronically It is a habit, and habits are very hard to shake. They become part of your operating system your personality. Almost a science even shows that they form mental pathways in the brain they get strengthened with repetition. So if you want to fix this, you're gonna have to create some new. Habits. Basically, you're gonna have to rewire your brain. So, let's start with the practical. I would break down activities into detailed steps, so you can accurately estimate how long something will take really factor in every step and be precise. So if you're trying to figure out how long it's gonna take to get to work
Catherine how long it takes to wake up. Get ready. Make breakfast walked here or the subway get through a worst case scenario, traffic approach, the building their security ride. The elevator get your desk all of that time yourself for a week and you're out how long it actually takes then add a fifteen minute, but On top of that, you never gonna, be late again and try. It out, see our works, and this is the most. For its part committed routine, no matter what every single day after a few weeks, they behave here will eventually create the habit, and positively reinforced when your brain gets a reward for being on time like me and I'm not getting fired or where there is I could anxiety your boss praising you. Your ability to be part of the
office in a new way. Your personal pride- I know this seems obvious kind, o hokey, but there's real science to this tons of experts. Talk about this strategy so give it a try, good advice, Jordan, he so close. It might just be a question of fixing the habits. My only question as I do wonder, if there's something deeper going on here, who you know sometimes were laid because we just sucker planning, definitely I've been there but sometimes were, because we're avoiding something on some level, so I'm curious to know, what's going through your head, when you're trying to leave the house when you're on your way to work when you're in a rushing up, yellow or even though you woke up half an hour early, are you aware of any anxiety or any resistance and those moments you know? Is there any part of you that I don't know maybe resents having to show up to some place in the morning on time or is being laid, may be a way of asserting just a little more control over your life, because it's interesting he's chronically wherever he goes, but he's only a few minutes late to work, like you said, if he's that was, why can't you just make it? That's like picking up there
slightly from the parking lot type of thing. Re part of me wonders if that's an unconscious way of saying Also up when you tell me to her, but I'll just be you know three minutes lay because I'm in control hurt. You know that this is my life. I could see wrapping away too play by the rules of the game, but maybe shift the terms just enough to give him a little more autonomy and the fact that being late is cause to your jobs in the past, does make me wonder if there's something going on here with work specifically may be responsibility more broadly. That brings up other stuff, that's contributing to the lateness, even wonder. If this sleep walking persona, you talked about whose turning off your alarms, if that could be part of this, I don't think it's totally crazy to think that if you have some unconscious conflict about having to get up and be somewhere in answer to somebody else in the morning, you would express that, while you're sleeping I mean what dreams are right, I mean they're just unconscious expressions of material that were not really in touch with. This is kind of a dream like persona. So, if I were you I'd explore that a little bit see if there's anything unresolved lurking
beneath the surface could be yeah. I wouldn't be surprised that sort of two three minute things: got to me as well, as I mentioned at the top of this one, that unconscious material is powerful. I'm also wondering why his other habits are like he does. He exercised as he eat well dizzy drink a lot during the week. Is he stared phone for an hour and a half before he falls asleep. All that stuff can be playing a role here, it's hard to say. We now have the disease on that, but here's a As you are aware, there's a problem. You really do. the change you do want to keep the job so I'd say creating new habits around your sleep now Roger planning. Roger commuting seek out the help they need, whether its asleep coach or a therapist, or some advice from your boss at work. That might actually be a smart move today, Oh you're, taking it seriously, nor actually working on it. Take a deeper look at once on beneath this lateness thing, also we're going
to a few of our episodes about habit formation in the show nuts for you, so we got James, clear, be J Fog Et Cetera, definitely check those out and if anyone listening is dealt with this type of problem or this problem before hit us I would be happy to pass along any additional advice, so you ve got this man good luck, all right. What's next, Hey Jordan and give a friend I've known since we're an elementary school has just told me that she is developed and eating disorder bending and purging to make matters worse. She doesn't have supportive parents, her father is a functioning alcoholic and her mom has been pushing her to lose weight after she became depressed last summer when but began my younger sister also developed and eating disorder, and it has taken well over a year with a very support, a family to get back to what an outsider might see as normal. But we know the disorder will always be there. I know that without a supportive circle around my friend, it will be impossible for her to recover. I also know that the longer she puts off treatment, the worse it'll get I'm close to her, but I'm not that close for their parents and even if I,
were to reach out. I'm not sure how they react to encourage my friend to get help from her universities, medical staff, which is not good at all, or do I talked to her and try to help her reach out to her parents signed tending to her friend before she descends well. This is sad and unfortunately, pretty common I'm sorry that your sisters struggled with an eating disorder too, but it sounds like you and your family of really helped her get better, and that is great news, and that puts you in a good position to help your friend right now. So, first of all one of the best things you can do for her right now is be available: non judge, mental and supportive. The fact that she told you she said elegant eating disorders. It's a big deal that mean she trusts you and she's, at least, open to working on it and, in all likelihood, she's implicitly asking you for help. Like you said one of the most important variables in a person's recovery. is the support of the people around them. So the more you can be there for her, listen to her make her feel,
safe and understood the better. Ultimately, though, she is going to have to do the work of her report and that means that a minimum finding a therapist seeing aim Well, doktor therapy is worse, is going to do a lot of the psychological work she has to understand her even disorder and resolve whatever is going on around it, and my opinion. This is a non negotiable. She has to be talking to a professional right now ideally, somebody who has experienced treating eating disorders is so it's out there first, do usually say that on their website of their public profile. So look for that. Somebody really understands this. This person will probably the most important variable in her recovery, so she needs a professional to lead the charge here. Seeing a doctor, that's also really to see if the eating disorder has caused any other issues, there are nutritional deficiencies that can happen. Electrolyte imbalances, cardio vascular complications, whatever it might be changed to get out ahead of that her colleges, medical staff
should be able to take care of her there. Just on a physical front, but if they're not good at overall care. I wouldn't just send her to a primary physician and call it a day again, she needs to see a therapist now, if your friend drags or feed on help which she might eating disorders are tricky the very tricky it's not usual to encounter resistance, even with boy who know that they need help, and if she does that, then you might they consider getting more involved. Maybe you find some names of the therapists on your own in you, send him to her if she won't pick up the phone maybe you make some calls yourself and book an appointment. Ideally she's driving there, but if she can't or won't, then I think it's worth stepping up. The best thing you can do. For her is get her in the room. Now I don't know Severe her eating disorder is, but I know that these things can kill. You. Even if they don't seem severe, you can have ruptured is soft guess I mean there's all kinds of things that are terrible. That can happen, but they are all
tons of resources out there for people at different stages. If your friend needs more intensive treatment, she might want to consume. An impatient programme and intensive outpatient programme, a residential for then programme might even be in the cards where you live in a facility. You get twenty four hour care with lots of structured support. There's therapy. There are two activities, and so on a lot of insurance covers the stuff. Maybe even your friend student health insurance might so don't be afraid to look into those, since, but again, if she's in the early stages of this disorder and she's stable, then going to Therapy might be enough to at least get her started in the right direction. Yes might be enough and is absolutely like. You said non negotiable regardless. Definitely the first step and a therapist should be able to tell if she needs a more serious intervention. So the sooner the better. As for whether to tell her parents, that's a tricky one on one hand she could probably use all the support she could get and if she's in trouble maybe be our need to be keeping an eye on her to some degree, especially, she ends up eating,
intensive treatment. On the other hand, it sounds like these parents may not be very helpful. They might even be the cause of the eating disorder in the first place. That is complicated, also she's, an adult now so there's only so much. They can really make her do, but at some point she'll probably want to let the men on what has been going through. This is another example of something that would be really great for her to talk to a therapist, you know whether to tell her parents went to tell them how and what to do if they don't respond. Well, that might be the most important thing again, just one more reason: she should be darkened or professional right now. So, if she's will and eager to go to therapy than you probably don't have to tell her parents immediately if she doesn't want to. But if she fights you on this, if another month goes by and she hasn't reached out anybody or if her eating disorders getting noticeably worse, then I would reconsider reaching out to her parents. Her family may be any other close friends you guys share. You can't be entirely responsible for her recovery on your own
and I would also follow her lead there, a little bed. You know she says I really do want to tell my mom and dad, but I dont know how really not gonna react. What what should I do and she seems ready to do it, but just does How, then may be you say? Okay, no, let me help you through that maybe even go with her to talk to the parents. Hopefully it's her decision and yours is backing her up and you're, not making her do anyting, but if this is truly a crisis situation, if it's an emergency, you might actually have Do that were also got a link to a bunch of resources for you here in the show notes. Definitely encourage you to those out get some more advice. You can also be to some of these organizations for more advice. This is a lot to taken as a friend, so don't be afraid to ask for the help that you need to and here's another thought if you think You could help your friend and your sisters open to it. Maybe you can offer to put them in touch you they already know each other may be talking to somebody else. Who's been through this and come out. The other side will give her some confidence and hope a model to follow. If your sister tells her.
the only way I'd beat. This thing was going to therapy talking to my family and really work on this stuff. That could be very powerful again sorry that you're going through this, I'm sorry your friend is going through this. I know it must be scary to watch your friend suffer, especially after what your sister went through You know how this works now and she's a lucky to have you lookin out for her. So we're wishing you and your friend the best good luck, this the Jordan Harbinger Show, and this is Feedback Friday, we'll be right back thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going. Who doesn't some good products and or services you can always visit, Jordan, harbinger dot com, slife deals for all the details on everybody that helps support the shell and now for the conclusion of feedback. Friday are right next up, Hey Jordan, thirty year old, paralegal in a large metropolitan city in twenty twenty, I started working at a large law firm. Let's call this firm, a creative. I was generally
I was generally enjoying my work and area of law, but our workload was slow. Then the pandemic head and late twenty twenty. I was content did by a former colleague who is now working on a new, smaller firm. Let's call it firmby. She offered me apparel eagle position in an area of law that was new and exciting to me with really good pay and more responsibility, so I took the offer I have now been at firmby for six months and I am not making the area of law are department. Chair has also had some health issues and I am concerned about. The future of this group is very small, and we haven't been bringing in many cases. I recently heard that firm, a has an opening in my old department. I asked if they would be interested in me coming back and they were absolutely thrilled. I'm really tutoring and going back to four May, I enjoy the the work more and will be busier and fulfilled. I, my hesitation,
but I've only been at for MB for six months, and I don't want to be seen as a firm, flip flopper. So is it okay to go back to my old firm, signed, hop to the hot shop or stop and chalk it up to a flip flop, nice or I will gave the peril levels at my firm did all the real work that was always kind of a joke, their infinitely more qualified than most junior attorneys on staff. It's a pretty good gig skilled gig to this one's pretty easy, and I would say yes if you're miserable in this role- and they might be dissolving the group anyway, it's a great time to make a change. It sound you'll be happier you'll, be busier and you'll be in a better position to negotiate a new job and now than later, if they just let everyone buddy go right from your department. Now many flood the market or there's another reason also. life is short. You gotta, do you enjoy as much as possible the only cause Yet here is just me
it sure that your position at Fermi is definitely going to be better, and it's not just the shiny new thing or the shiny new old thing in this case is not a grasses green or on the other side of the fence. You were already on before type take. Thinking I would like it rose on the time we have rosemary avatar. It sounds like it's gonna be fine, but I just I know that. Sometimes, when you're unhappy, it's easy to hype up a new situation, In all your hopes on a new job, it's called escapism, I'm big guilty as anyone, and I get that you don't want to be a firm hopper, but it takes some effort to get that reputation. You'd have to jump back, defer, may than jump firms Eve in six months than hop to another place the following year before it really is any eyebrows, but if you work somewhere for six months nine months and someone asks you what happened, why back, all you have to do is tell them a meaningful story. You know something like this. I went to Firmby because the workers, hiding and they gave me more responsibility, but it turned out that apartment was losing steam I'll undertone there, but I didn't love the work I was doing so on my
employer, invited me to come back, I I said yes, I mean that's really dont over think this. In fact, your own employer inviting you back. I think that helps compensate for the short amount of time you spent at firmby in the first place that not to me the Euro, desirable employee. It almost makes it sound. Like you weren't looking to juncture the invitation came in and it made sense, it was a great offer, so you took it. I dont think anyone is going to be an eyelash at that, so that's my advice. Go where you, I did go where the work is interesting. The team is solid. The pay is good, don't sweat the timeline too much, but if you find yourself getting restless again in six months or a year and it starts to become a pattern. Then I would look dad and figure out- maybe what's going on, but it it just doesn't sound like you there yet so, congrats and being an in demand, paralegal again great skill to have greater good luck. All right. What's next hugging about twelve ago when I was twenty three I had some college friends in town we had a bar
noon and started drinking fishbowl mixed drinks off now. So that's like the big fish, like that with like like as a blue alcohol. Usually it's like dumping, Entire veto pound sugar and then throw some light. Crappy vodka there and put a giant straw or two and their role in food colouring yachts. Horrifying divers is a recipe for massive hang, my gosh and apparently worse. According to this question, wherever there is it going somewhere Red one lead to another and we ended the night by getting epic matching fishbowl tat s. It I told you, it's never leads it. I mean it's not like and I ruined my favorite surety centralized delude colouring on it. Now, it's kind of like he had driven down my chest. Analogous frickin tramp stand defaced my little robotic right. Ok, we did it. This is even worse so much we did it.
because our weight or told us that if we got the tat we drink for free, the rest of the night when Shocker he didn't hold up, has that have a home for her feet. Eight we get the Rio got now that that would have been even remotely good trade if he did it, but you you got shafted even entered my girls like the worst trade deal in the history of terrible, and you still got shafted. I the waiters, like. I don't think he has begun enough to do it just getting still two hundred and forty dollars. Less of it were now creeping up on the thirtieth anniversary of the event I'm grown up now. Married with kids must be mature and all that and we're about to go on vacation with a bunch of close family friends and my mom, who still doesn't know that I got this tattoo, I dont think should actually be angry and realistically she probably won't even care still I've kept secret for a very long time.
so how do I break the news? Do I take my shirt? Often just back like it's not a thing. How do I explained the thirteen years I haven't told her, and what do I do if she actually does get upset signed? Hiding me about that? That's really That's really good name. I gave the stories objectively hilarious, but it's all so annoying right. He got a shitty tattoo, because a waiter told them they could drink for free and that it turned out to be a lie like an hour boys walk relative tat, you have a free in clown fish on his shoulder blade because Dave the bartender thought it would be funny. I feel it is something that would happen and exact elephant Arcas in a movie yeah yeah like a scene where he and his friends goes skinny dipping on a road trip and like what the hell's that he's like. Oh that's, my fishbowl Manfred tramp, I got some stupid plot device. It's too late, change things now. So what do you do, while honestly, you're gonna be ok. There's your thirty I've now you're an adult, like you said,
probably not in Munich care. I get that your embarrassed for sure I mean I understand if you want to be a little admiral about it, though you can just take off your shirt. Wait till someone notices then gather everyone around and tell them the story of the night. You and the boys got matching fishbowl tattoos down and Tampa, which you know. That's where that happened. Fort Lauderdale? Do you want to head off any dirty both in Florida? If you want to head off any drama, you can call your mom before the trip or polar inside of breakfast and be like so listen kind of embarrassing Now I never told you thirteen years ago me in the boys. We got really wasted a tiki bar. We ended up getting match. tattoos, I didn't want to tell you because it was incredibly dumb. The last thing you want is a mother is to see your son with a fish ball on his love, handle rib cage or whatever, but you're going to see it anyway, so there it is sorry it in sooner, but I was obviously embarrassed and actually is does get upset. Then I don't know letter. I guess she's gonna have to just have the reaction. She's gonna have to
your mom if she gets angry, I think it's gotta be short lived. This is so long ago. Tell her you understand. You were upset with yourself for a while and just let her come to terms with it. You guys will probably be laugh and about it by dinner time. Also a lot How she reacts is going to depend on how you react if you're super cagey in your uncomfortable shit, Probably have more reason to be upset if you can if about it, and tolerate her reaction, I think it will be easier for her to accepted to yeah totally unique Jordan. I have this friend he's in his bank is in his fifty is now he's actually the cfo of a pretty major company. He has a tweedie bird tattoo on his upper thanks. Literally sweetie bird tattoo on it like a grown man with a yellow brain out for its super grant. The first time I saw we're out the beaten us like dude. What is that- and he was here Oh yeah, that's that's my tweedie bird justino, some drunken night with his body is like twenty five years ago.
talked about it, and then I laughed about it, and that was pretty much that, like I'm, not his mom, so it's different, but the fact that he was so secure about it. That made it easier for me to accept it too, and now it's just like this funny thing that we love from time to time, while they go you're, not the only person, who's got a dumb tattoo and they were drunk and looking then half lack right doesn't have some huge terrible. ragged tattoo on his back. They gets drag to the tabloids all the time I mean he seems to be doing. Okay or maybe not I do see a lot of means about him hard to say, but I mean I think he was last spot in the hamptons with J lower something so like a well rife in any way If you really start to hated, you can always it removed or covered over with a better one, not about option, but no matter what happens it'll now be as bad as Ben Afflux tattoo. Any weapon approaches it's possible. That particular otherwise on it have fun and vacation, and if you find yourself a dive bar on this trip and a waiter makes you an offer, maybe don't take em up on it yeah,
hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week and, of course, everyone who lives in thank you so much go back and check out the episodes with Nicole Pearl Wroth and Douglas fields. If you have it, so cyber warfare and rage, respectively, superpowers with rage anyway, if you want, know how I managed to book all these great people and manage my relationships. I use software. I use systems that I use tiny habits that teaching you how to do that for free teaching you how to dig the well before you get thirsty our course is called six minute. Networking it's over on the think, the platform at Jordan, Harbinger, dot com, slash course again, I've used this stuff. I use it every day. I hope recommend you do to again it's totally free. I don't need your stupid credit card. I got nothin for sale. I just think that more people that no this stuff, the better Jordan Heart, Your dot com, slash course linked to the shoulders for the opposite. Can be found at Jordan, harbinger dot com transcripts, you're on the show notes, videos on Youtube, Channel, Jordan, carbon calm, Slash Youtube, wheels ever clips channel
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you here on the show, so you can live what you listen and we'll see you next, I stay tuned after the show. We ve got a trailer of our interview with Eric Schmidt, former chairman of Google. He tells us why government shouldn't have their claws in a free and open internet and what form privacy might take in the age of tech mega corporations. This is a rare chance to hear from somebody at the top of one of the large tat behemoths on the planet so be sure to stay with us after the show? For that, I heard that you actually got to google it and didn't think, though company was up too much, but it was the argument that you got into with Larry in Sergey that really, when you over you know, about a search engine surgeons, no matter too much but fine. You know it's always try to see us, so I walked in to building down there. and here is learned, Sergei in an office, and they have my bio projected on the wall and they proceed Grill me on what I'm doing it Novell, which they thought were a terrible idea,
and I remember, as I left that I hadn't have good an argument in years and that's the thing: started the process in a meeting. Once someone asked me about the dress code at Google and I think your response was well, you have to wear something that still it, why don't you have actually where something here at work? They hired super capable people and they always want to people who did something interesting if you were salesperson, he was really good. If you were also olympian, we heard a couple rocket scientist and we weren't doing rocketry. We had a series of medical doctors who we were just impressed even though they were doing medicine. The conversations at the table were very interesting. but they really wasn't a lot of structure I knew. I was in the right place, because the potential was enormous. I say any schedules, no just sort of happens. If you want
you're more from Eric Schmidt and learn what role a I will take in our lives and how I d, as our fostered inside a corporate beast, like Google check out episode to zero one of the Jordan Harbinger Show.
Transcript generated on 2022-03-06.