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547: Stopping a Swami from Swindling Our Mommy | Feedback Friday

2021-08-13 | 🔗

When your stepfather passed away and your mother posted about it on Facebook, an old friend -- a self-described "swami" who claims to be psychically linked to her -- called to reconnect. Now, he seems to be taking advantage of her grief and loneliness to get closer, and based on a number of his wild, unlikely claims, you're worried that his end game may be less than altruistic. What can you do to stop this "swami" from swindling your mommy? We'll tackle this and more here on Feedback Friday!

And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at friday@jordanharbinger.com. Now let's dive in!

Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/547

On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
  • You worry that your mom's "swami" friend may be trying to take advantage of her grief and vulnerability since your stepfather's recent passing. How can you keep her safe from his less-than-altruistic intentions?
  • You squandered a financial windfall in college on partying and substance abuse, which led to hurting a large number of friends and family along the way. Now you've been sober for years and you want to recover these relationships, but it's clear from attempts to reach out that many of the people you left behind are content to leave those bridges burned. What can you do to move on and let things go?
  • Your brother, who died by suicide, should be remembered for how he lived his life rather than just how it was ended. You want to start a foundation in his name to help your community learn skills as he loved doing, but where do you begin?
  • You worked hard to advance in your career, but a recent merger no longer allows you to work from home and care for your daughter. As a result, you've decided to quit and become a stay-at-home dad, but you eventually want to return to the workforce. How can you network and stay relevant during this time away and ensure your time is spent as productively as possible?
  • You worry that your tendency to procrastinate could cost you your dream job. How can you stop putting things off and causing yourself unnecessary stress and exhaustion?
  • Documentary of the Week: The Dissident
  • Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at friday@jordanharbinger.com!
  • Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.
  • Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
I welcome. The feedback Friday on your host Jordan, Harbinger today, I'm here with my feedback Friday producer, my dutch uncle and Deliverance Gabriel, was right on the George, urban, your show we decode the stories, secrets and skills of the world's most fascinating people and they turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to him your own life and those around you. We want to help you the matrix when it comes to how these amazing people think and behave, and our mission is to help people we'd better informed, more critical, think are so you can get a deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what really happened. even inside your own mind if you are to the show on Fridays? We give advice to you. We answer listener questions the rest of the week, we have long form interviews in conversations with a variety of amazing folks from spies to see owes athletes, authors, thinkers and performers and, if you're joining us for the first, time or you're. Looking for a handy way to tell your friends about the show we ve got those starter packs. Please are
elections are your favorite episodes organised by popular topic. It held new listeners, get a taste of what we do here on the show just visit. George, harbinger dot com, slash start to get started this We had a Rachel newer on wildlife smuggling. This is kind of a gross topic. Is it that might be one of the grossest shows that I've done and I dont chosen human organ trafficking. Ok, wildlife smuggling is next level depressing, but it was an interesting needing conversation and an important one, and we also Scott Atoms, one from the vault. Persuasion tactics used by the former president. What do you think they're persuasion tactics are not so we're gonna. Do it and some of the psychology behind that as explain once again by Scott Adams, whose, but on a show a few times now to make sure you had to listen to everything that we created for you here this week, gay by
we ve got a lot this week. So let's dive into the Mailbag high Jordan Agape were two sisters who are concerned about our mom last summer are stepped out of twenty years, passed away after months of severe illness. The day after he died are mom posted about it on Facebook, but after that, a very old friend of our moms. Let's call him bury called her up. Wanting to reconnect on one hand, were very happy to see our mom branching out socially and even getting into another relationship when she's ready, but there are several red flags with bury that. We just cannot ignore red flag number one when very first call their mom. He insisted that he never saw her post about her husband's death. Instead, he claims that he is quoting quote psychically linked to our mom and that he could send something was wrong. He calls himself a Swami and has told her multiple times that all she has to do is think of him and he will psychic
receiver message and call her within a day or so. Coincidentally, she has thought about him at times. Any has called there within a few days, so she takes that as proof that bury has these special powers ok held up for anyone who doesn't know remind us what a Swami is. A Swami is basically a hindu, religious teacher care so bury from Missoula thinks he's an indian MR killer. Famine, that's great! I just want to everyone to know what that means: red flag number two barriers made some pretty bold offers their future together, even though they ve only met up a few times in person when he first called her, he said that he quote: never wanted her to worry about anything unquote and that he would quote take care of her unquote. He has called her Missus Barry when they talk on the phone he has offered to sell his property and, by her
by the ocean, which is our dream great. This is some dirty jack shit right. I've, I've heard this pike S continued yeah themselves for Miller. Ok, red flag number through bury has convinced our mom, but he inherited a large fortune from his parents. Now, maybe he did. He does have some land and he's never seem to worry about work still. There are no obvious signs of his suppose its status as a multi millionaire. Also he claims have while the world, but some of the photos he says he took while travelling, show up all over the internet and a reverse image search make his right. So this lazy, Me Swami, is just downloading photos from Fuckin Flickr. What a pro has tons of unexplained money criminals, con artists, just San Continue- you may have picked up on this already, but our mom, it's gullible and emotional, for example, she's into the conspiracy theory, seen in a major way. The quantum financial system, Joe by
and was executed at get my last year and is now a body double aliens GEO Engineering, Anti backs. The list goes on and on. This is on top of mystical new age hooey and several multilevel marketing schemes that she's got caught up in. She's? Also quite lonely. She lives in a rural area where she doesn't have any friends and her marriage to her stepdad was complicated. They didn't have much of an emotional connection for the last decade and he left her in a bad position financially she's now living in a house she cannot afford, has an enormous amount of student debt and recently lost her job. Neither of us has the means to support her she's starving for someone to care about her and treat her like she special. We want to support her mom and her grieving, and we want to support her and building healthy relationships. So how can we find out whether berry is good for her and whether he's even telling the truth and do these red flag sound? Concerning to you guys or
Are we overreacting because we ve lost so much of our faith in our moms judgment, signed saving mom from a Swami con, so he's not telling the truth right like what are we even start with this one? Anyone listening right now as a ton of alarm bells going off, so we grieving, isolated, gullible, love, starve, financially vulnerable women, and we ve got a crafty, manipulative love bombing pseudo spiritual Savior wannabe, whose coming out of the woodwork co incidentally, Emily just the right time to rescue your mom as she's in this group the position- is vulnerable position so yeah. This is bad news. You're not overreacting where my mom I'd be very concerned about, bury the Swami good I'll be swamp over there Obviously we don't know of berries trying to run a serious scam on hurry. Could he could be, but he also just be a delusional weirdo adamant he's moved in on your mom emotionally, and that alone is worrisome. Anything could happen for there. You know I just that this just occurred me Gabriel. He said. Oh, if you
give me I'll call you within a few days, such a huge window. All he has to do is collar every few days and she's like oh, my god. I was just thinking about you Tis Deniz, like that's right here, Friday afternoon. What are the odds are just as a cough twice a week and he's got it govern rape, l, oh yeah. The big problem is you're up against a significant obstacle in your mom in one way, she's highly manipulable you'd think she'd be you can convince, but the conspiracy mentality, the need to believe these are very Jude mindsets, there's deep programming at work there, so this will take them doing so, Can you do to save your mom? Will first of all yoga, after resist the urge that, at first to convey Sir, that she's wrong about bury. Instead, I would actually maybe a little counter intuitive. I would focus on building a strong foundation of trust and rapport with her cousin You come at her like mom. Wake up. Various is a scam. You swamp! he's done, I'm telling you what you want to hear your lonely, your desperate, Can't you see, scamming, you you're, being an idiot she's gonna shut down
We tapping into her shame her cognitive dissonance, you're gonna trigger end. Narcissism, any need for control. Her response will probably be to reject you and dig her heels and I'm not saying your mom's a narcissist, I'm just saying we all have this and you don't want to trigger it. But if you stay close with her, you be her friend you make her feel under good and safe confiding in you Eve when what she is saying is objectively bat should crazy, you're going to have better chance of changing her mind, and I know that's. What Doktor Stephen Hoss, I would say, is our resident cult, mind, control and conspiracy, theory mindset, expert he'd, say approach her with love rather than judgment, ask thoughtful questions direct. to re, evaluate what she believes and remember that there is a mom beneath the copper eyes, mom, who is still listening to you and that's the person you're speaking too, and I think and he's absolutely right when he says stuff like that's right,
you gotta, remember your normal mom. If she ever was normal, but like it you know the mom, you love is underneath freaked out honourable weirdo act and mom, and as you do that I would start helping your mom identifies some of the underlying thoughts and feelings that are making her so vulnerable to bury in the first place. So when you, I recall you come over to visit, engage with her. You know like how you feel in these mom how you doing since the funeral. Do you talk to bury recently? Has that going? What do you like about him? What do you think he likes about you? How are you feeling money, these days, how's the job search going. You want to talk about anything, just questions like that, obviously not all at once. That would be a little awkward but organically gradually overtime. Hopefully you can get her to acknowledge some of the very raw feelings that she is dealing with beneath. Surface on talking about her insecurity, her loss of control, her fear, her need to believe even something her need to belong to be taken care of by somebody else, as she opens up, listen carefully to what she said.
try to drive more towards feelings than ideas reflect them back to her. You know, like I, totally get. Mom money is really stressful I feel that way too, and your right, the world is crazy. It's scary to feel it, You don't know, what's real and what's fake, I get why you're looking for answers that kind of thing. If you do this consistently you'll build some, really powerful trust and rapport with her we're her guard isn't up because she feels judged or threatened she'll start to feel like you have her best dressed heart, which of course, you do, but she needs to feel that first before you try to change your mind, then, and only then would I start to chip away at bury the swamis bullshit. Way than I do. That is to ask open none, threatening questions, I'd, say things like Alice mom the other day, when you said you were worried about making the mortgage payment. I know how stressful that is for you. So berry, says he's gonna buy you a house. How does it feel is a kind of a relief, maybe she'll, see like hell yeah, that's relief? Are you kidding did to make the pay
and I get to live by the ocean and you can say yeah. I bet if I were in your shoes. I'd want someone to rescue me too and if she confirms Then you ve got an easy opening to say, but as your daughters, love you we just gotta ask: do you think very and actually do that for you or do you think b. He knows that you like sharing that from somebody I mean. Why do you say he's offering you all of this so quickly, you're, smart mom? What do you make of that obviously yield shoes? questions that are most helpful, but that's the approach that I would take very gently. Very respectfully. Ask your mom some questions You don't tell her what to think, but you really courage her to answer them for herself. I would do this with all of the red flags you mentioned over several conversations until the logic starts to seep in and hopefully your mom will realise that what this dude is saying is kind of us right. It's directly tied to how she feels these days, she'll start to put the pieces together.
right. Ideally, mom goes back to bury the swamp, be Suam and starts challenging, I'm a little bit on what he's offering her what he sang his response to. Her will probably tell her a lot about the game that is running and then she can show that with you guys in the three of you can hopefully dissected together and keep chipping away at whatever he's trying to pull with your mom. Now, if your mom flat out refuses to engage with you or she keeps buying into berries bullshit, then I would get a little more proactive because your mom, she might need hard evidence to change her mind about this. I know I run a great the conspiracy, their estates, hard evidence to believe. Think about this new guy in your life, but this is the second lg we're dealing with. So it's important to think ahead. So I'd start putting together. You know the berry files. I would screenshot the travel photos. You posted and screenshot the reverse image search results, proving that they're fake try to estimate how much is car is worth. How much is land is worth. You might be able to use a web
like Zillow or even higher a fairly reasonable land appraiser to do a quick valuation, see if that lines. Up with what he's telling your mom about the wealth he supposedly has you could use a social media, you could use a life story. What he's shared with your mom details of his biography to see, if he's had any spiritual training, I mean not that training as a swami when you're boarding Columbus, Ohio guarantees. You know that you have any mystical powers whatsoever but at the very least you can question is credentials a little bit yea you dont want a mail order, Swami right net. Nobody wants a mail order swan course. and course swallowed the authentic. He has the visa issues alone, like a headache, so You guys could even go a step further and reach out to any mutual contacts you guys have, or even, if they're, not mutual contact them and you can reach out their friends on Facebook and say paid. You know this guy's, a friend of our family seemed like an interesting guy, but just curious how'd. You meet him. What do you know about him? You know try to get some information that way and if you need even more ammunition, then you might want to
Sid our hiring a private investigator. I know that's a little dramatic and that is super dirty John of me to propose hiring private investigator could be useful, especially if things between mom and bury start escalating quickly. You might be able to get a good file on this guy for a reasonable fee. A basic background check credit check, employment. History may be dead history, any bankruptcy filings or criminal investigations. Litigation stuff like that, you never know what could turn up, and that could be the proof that your mom needs to look at the sky in any way, but also if it turns out that he's clean and he's just kind of a low key. I don't know just a guy wants to feel important than he really does like your mom, and you know he's not running some sophisticated, game that at least you'll know that you don't have to panic immediately either way. I think it's good information to have. I can refer some good investigators if you need that these guys are not cheap, you know, but they do the job right and also, if you think about it, what's up We'll grand if it's gonna, save your
from signing over the house or her retirement account or the Neue that your dad. But you know like that's, that's the way that I look at these kinds of things. Well, we're and then I would share what you find or what you get from an investigator with your mom and again be thoughtful about the stone bargained aroused and throw your Manila folder in her lap. Like Bab told you berries, Africa, the you know nothing like that. I would sit down with her very gently. Tell her that you're coming from a place of love you coming from a place of concern, and you know that this might be hard for her to wrapper had around, but you know that she would want you to share this with her and then tell her what you ve learned again: try to lead with questions rather than advice. You know, do you think a super wealthy guy would have all these high interest loans Siena? That kind of thing? Why do you think bury showing you fake travel photos right? Go slowly, draw her out. Let her draw her own conclusions and you know Jordan interesting.
MR coming to me, maybe they're moms conspiratorial mindset will actually turn out to be an advantage here in a certain way, because you know maybe they say: hey mom. You know how you always trying to help me see the truth. Rake are so much misinformation out there. I think. Maybe we should do the same thing with bury your smart. You think for yourself right does this makes sense to you and that way, maybe they can tap into the mindset of hers. That conspiratorial kind of paranoid is mindset to help her see berry smokescreen. That's a good idea! I like that this is a very smooth way of using the moms framework against her, so to speak, but also for her. I think that's an exam of a doctor has and would call ethical influence, all part of the process of bringing your mom back from wherever she to begin with, bury the Swami. So that's how we approach and if your mom refuses to listen, you might just have to enter more strongly. Maybe you tell bury to stay away from her and if you have any evidence of criminal intent or wrong doing maybe you go to the polls.
and tell them what's happening. Even a phone call from the cops could scare him off, but if you won't stop and your mom moves forward with him. Then I would do everything in your power to protect her. Tell her not to merge their finances. Do not buy new assets, do not take out new debt together do not get married and I would continue staying close to your mom is possible, so she has a link back to you guys. If and when her relationship with bury goes sideways. I hope it. Get to that point, but you have to be prepared for anything. These scams happen every single day and I hate to say this, but the targets are those scams. They fit your mom's profile to a t to do discount. Your instincts here. Take carrier mom, take care of yourself and we're wish me the best man or in the stores. So wild You seen the documentary love fraud now always at its doc. You series, I think it's on HBO right now. It's about this, this group of women who were all defrauded by the same dude who basically ran the same scam on them. I think it was in Ohio, another think about
I wonder if that's why I sent a higher moment. Is it bury the Swami also as another do this guy? But this guy, basically they moved in on women who were lonely who had money, got them to care about and told them he loved them. You know in every in every single case it was the same story. He got tens of thousands of dollars out of them in some cases you like open restaurants with them stuff like that, Then he has always leave town changes. Name it do it all over again, it's fascinating, because the documentary all the women team up with a private investigator, to try to track him down and turned him over to the police. Oh wow, it's so interesting, highly recommended but it is a little bit alarming when you see the pattern sounds kind of similar to what's going on here, So with your mom, you may want to check out episode for thirteen. This is Mark Edward he's here was he's a mental us too, like a magician type guy, but he used to work for a psychic hotline. Any just explains
the fake psychic game works and he said, there's two kinds of psychics: well that there's no kinds of psychics but there's two kinds of fakes. One, the ones that know what they're doing is fake and is just all bs and it's either for entertainment purposes like you're doing it at a magic show or it's a car like you do in a psychic hotline or you have deluded yours. into thinking that you actually have these powers to bury the Swami may be just kind of like a dipshit old guy who's, like you said, board and looking to feel important and has deluded himself into thinking that he has these powers, which is markedly more harmless than somebody who's trying to drift in scam your mom by convincing her that he's a psychic or has special powers etc and looked back the investigation thing I feel like that is a good day Gabriel, because you know if this guy's rich are he owns the land. What you know, they're going to find they're going to find this land that he's lives on his like a rental property, but he pays nine hundred dollars a month from somebody else who lives in the neighborhood or is it out of person or in maybe
did inherited, but like it's not worth anything in its underwater and he just lives, there is about to get evicted yet so my house and by you house, some ocean moved. You know like there's all kinds of crap like this out there. But yet every alarm bell in my head is going off by the way I can reach us Friday, Jordan, harbinger dot com. Please keep your emails, concise, try to use a descriptive subject line that makes our jobs. these your end, if you can tell us what state and country live in, that helps, us gave a little bit more detailed advice, especially for illegal stuff. If there's some you're gone, any decision. Your wrestling, whether you just need a new perspective on life, love work whatever what to do about a voice what scare landlord hit us up Friday? at Jordan, harbinger dot com, we're here to help, and we keep every email anonymous here. Listening to back Friday here on the Jordan Harbinger, show we'll be right back and now back to feedback from
on the Jordan Harbinger, show all right. What's next dear Jordan, again, when I was still in college, I got an unexpected and hefty inheritance and I didn't make the best choices with that money. I travelled all over and partied lied to most of my close friends and family about it and ended up hooked on substances where my closest friends found out the truth they reached out to me and some even travel to find I'll be at the time I would say this is the new me leave me alone, I'm having fun a lot of them,
out of their lives after that, and understandably so after a year and a half of living like that, I realized how sick I really was, and I found help I've been sober now for two and a half years. I've since reached out to my friends back then I've been back friendly relationships with some of them and others have told me that they're just not interested in letting me back into their lives. This hurts but its understandable. So I just thank them for their time. Then there are some who never responded and straight up locked me on all social media. I have new friends and a new support group, but I just can't seem to let go of those people. I never heard back from its easier for me to let the relationship die if I get confirmation from the other party, otherwise and is filled with what s any advice on what I can do to move on and let things go signed amending fences. Well, you ve been on quite a journey, my dad. I'm glad to hear that you got clean. You read out your life that I think is fantastic and definitely not easy to do so. Congrats there it sounds,
You been doing a lot of amends over the last five years, which, as you know, is an important part of recovery. It sounds like one people reject those amends. You can accept that, but when you get any response whatsoever. Yeah creates a lot of uncertainty and that uncertainty is hard for you, it's causing you to ruminate and obsess, and I get why that's so tough. I we actually drive me crazy as well. It did you get my message: why aren't you responding? Are you still man? You does not care like what the hell yeah yet so so what can you do? First of all rejected amends. This is action. A big topic within the addiction community, it's very common most every programmes they talk about, how you are ultimately powerless over other people. You control how they respond and, as you probably know, making amends that's, ultimately, not for you. It's for the person you ve hurt at least Ninety nine percent of it is right. If, if someone doesn't want to hear from you, the general advice is to respect that interest to Europe, to move forward with your recovery, but in your case,
moving on his hard, because you just don't have the information you feel you need to put our relationship to bed. I wonder if I may what's happening. Is that in the absence of a response, your doing what I would do candidly in imagining the worst case scenario like the believing that the person does eyes as you and wants you to carry this guilt instead of a man that they just might have a very full life now different life or that they don't know to deal with their own feelings, about your apology or who knows maybe they're stuck in addition to or they're gone there's. Some other life crisis needs is like the last crap that they need right now. You just don't know when we don't know something humans, we tend to tell ourselves a story that reflects our worst fears, a lot of the time and probably a name for that cognitive, biased, Gabriel. I can't think of it off the top of my head. I know it applies to pretty much all people, not just people in your shoes, so I think it's probably a negativity by
or something akin to that room. So I think the key to resolving this problem. Actually, I think negative negativity biases overestimating the likelihood of a negative outcome, but it's him or something like that. So I think that key to resign This problem is its not to get paid, answer you or pretend like you oh really care what they think you do care and on some level you should care the keys to figure out. It is about this uncertainty that so difficult for you. What thoughts come up with some doesn't respond to you amends. What does somebody else's rob response or lack of response, make you feel about yourself not to go on, gonna here. But if you can unpack those questions a little bit, you could do with a sponsor. You could do it friends recovery. You could do with a therapist. I think that this obstacle will Come a lot more manageable for you, the pain, my not go away completely, but you'll be able to process a lot of stuff that comes up
found it, which is where most of the relief will actually come from? Yes, I agree, Jordan. He cannot control what other people do or say, but he can control how he processes the feelings, maybe the girl to the shame or just how he frames historian light of their response, which who knows I mean that might even be more therapeutic long term than just hearing somebody he was mean to five years ago. that's okay, I forgive you. You know what I mean yeah, it's a good point. I think that might mean living with a few of those old wounds as well. I know they're painful, but they don't need to be all bad so as important as repairing those old friendships is for you try not to penal. Your feelings, yourself on these people, sometimes he's gonna have to forgive yourself and forgive for not for giving you an then keep building if you want to live, knowing that these mistakes as hard as they are their part of work out you to this point, and that makes some valuable part of your story good, when oh by the way, the show review instructions are updated, we had, they were little idea. They were little hard to follow. Please
no. If these are easier to use for those of you reviewing the Shell, Jordan, harbinger dot com, slash review, we ve got screens it's in there, we ve got a little bit better documentation and review the show while you're at it. If you have an already Jordan harbinger dot com, slash review are at what's next how guys? Last year my brother took his life at the age of thirty. It was devastating and it's been a long haul
process the other day my mom overheard, someone referred to my brother as the kid who killed himself and was found for days. It broke my mom's hard. I can't bring my brother back, but I sure, as hell, I am going to do my best to make sure he isn't remembered for one decision that we all wish you hadn't made. He was a kind and intelligent man with so many talents, a great loss to the community. I want to start a foundation in his name to help our small community learn new skills, music, language, arts and so on. I want people to have the opportunity to grow and learn. As my brother love doing. The problem is, I don't know where to start, I've been compiling a list of people in my network who may be willing to share their skills, but I'm a bit lost. Where do we go from here to make this happen? Signed foundation, frustration, man, I'm so sorry to hear about your brother losing summoned to suicide, especially sibling Scotty relatively difficult and then to feel like he's only being remembered that one terrible thing
when you know that he was kind and gifted in so many other things. I get one you'd want to memorialize him in a different way to try and create some, in his name as a measure few times, given our reading this book, grief day by day by Jan Warner, she wrote it after her husband died. They were incredibly close and her they threw morning became this book which lays out Oliver insights and exercises for working through grief and in the book. Jan talks a lot about this exacting how to keep someone's memory alive and creating meaning out of their death is actually part of processing the loss. She actually says but that the most important moment of my life of grief was when I realized wanted my husband's life to matter more than his death. I want to make every a celebration of who he was and what we had in the way that she encourages people to do that is by those feelings into action. Converting grief into empathy or are or a conversation or a new project. She writes healing, me is not getting over grief
healing is learning to have my grief inspire me rather than dead in me, and it sounds like that's what you're trying to do for your brother with this foundation. So I think it's a great idea So how do you make it a reality? While there are literally thousands of books and articles and courses out there, but starting in managing a nonprofit, I'm no expert, I just recommend checking out a few, the best ones, I'm sure you can get many mba in nonprofit management online. If you wanted to, but the best advice, and offer you right now is to make the mission. Of this foundation as specific and as practical as possible. right now. Your mission is to help your small community learn new skills, music, language arts and your vision is for people to Have the opportunity to grow and learn? Is your brother love doing awesome, love it? But what that actually mean what product or service will you be providing think of it like a like any other business. What will it take to actually bring those services into the community? That's what you have to kneel down my right a nation, is to choose one thing: the
can really do well with a clear impact and make that the focus of the foundation, especially in the beginning. So, for example, could focus on only teaching one language or one instrument or one kind of art or you offer a program that teaches all three, but only to one type of student, like students under twelve or students, from a specific background or another example. You could be a founded that raises money that you then distribute to other multiple other education programmes, in which case the one thing really doing great as fundraising once you get clear on that things will become a lot easier if your teaching that one class you'll know that Unita Space and instructor a certain curriculum, some funding instruments or whatever for loners, maybe partnerships with other institutions to fines. as for your programme are instructors. If you decide to vote on fund raising venue that, you need relationships with donors, maybe a few sponsors to host fundraising events that kind of thing, but if you keep it at the level of,
Well, I'm help in my community learn new skills. This things now, gonna get off the ground bluntly. It's like a start up saying We're going to make our users happy through technology, ok, cool, but how, by building invitation amp by creating a faster browser by being a matchmaking service. You gotta the fund product you get a widow it down. You gotta get product market fit the more laser, focused the more practical to better and I'd start. Talking to your friend family colleagues mentors interesting people that you meet and bowed the idea off of them as well see what makes people excited see. What makes you excited and then follow that feeling and don't be afraid to experiment. Maybe you start by offering that one class and you discover that what you're community really means is a different kind of class or a different mix of students or the same class. a totally different neighborhood, or you start with that. One class you raise a little money and then you scale of up to two and three than five: the phone, She will evolve on its own, so just be willing to play a little bit and be nimble again, your basically running a startup,
in general, though, I think it's an awesome idea, I think it's very touching that you want to do in your brother's name. I know that these sense of purpose will try late into something great it'll help You guys remember him in a new way and Jan she talks that in her book to G actually describes healing as king memories back from the claws of grief. It sounds like this. Innovation is your way of doing that. So I wish you the best with it and willing to the book, and I keep talking brave day by day by Jan Water, in the show notes it's available on Amazon Barnes, a noble. Of course. You can also check out grief day by day dot com recommended our what's. Next, I gave em
I'm happily married with a two year old daughter and a baby boy on the way. My job used to be extremely flexible in terms of letting me work from home, but a recent merger with another company as made the roll, a strict, eight hundred and twenty five in person job after much deliberation, we decided that the best option would be for me to quit my job and become a stay at home, dad, as the alternative would have been paying for a babysitter to raise our kids and spending next to no time with them. I honestly don't really know how I feel about this. There's a part of me: that's completely on board and excited to spend so much time with my daughter. The other part feels like I worked so hard to get this far only to have it all crumble in front of me now, I'm at an absolute loss as to what to do with my time. I know if I'm not careful, I can waste it and the days just passed by how do I structure what a non work life routine looks like? Is there a way I can still
work while juggling two kids. What should I start doing now so that when I go back to work, I can hit the ground running sincerely daddy daycare. This is a great question. I'm sorry that your job is change things up on you, I think that's probably jarring for anyone, but, like you said your fortunate to spend time with your kid. I think this new array, could be really great for you. Your growth doesn't have to stop completely just because your staying home but you'll be all right if you're not. liberty by your schedule. The time can just slip right through your fingers, Here's. What I do. I would start by setting a loose intention for this new chapter. It could be. cover a project you really care about. It could be to deepen your expertise in your current field. It could be to take care of your health look into work out every day and cook my own food, not either burger king everyday for lunch, you know, can really be to invest in your kids and help them grow could be all those things this right here will give this wide open ocean in front of you a little bit a shape and a little bit a meaning it'll be more and your changing diapers and drive and kids around not theirs, aiming raw.
fat but it'll be exciting for you as well, and then I would commit few goals and habits that'll make that intention. A reality, for example one them could be to work out for forty five minutes five days a week. Honestly, I do this, even if your trying to get in killer shape, working as a way of anchoring your day it'll keep your spirits up in a lock you into a routine. If that's too hard to do with the kids, involve the kids press your baby, while you do sit up soon, play with them. While you work out, that's definitely that guy Dad Lifehack. I definitely worked out with my kid Jane get bug I during a shoulder day, and I just kept hoisting em up until my shoulders were on fire and I did a bunch of sets of that and it worked, but your daughter industry or go for a job or on the neighbourhood. Not only will create a habit. You'll. Teaching, our own children, the importance of movement from a young age. So that's gold. I would also find some ways Investing yourself treat this period like an open ended self, directed, grad school, take a few online
classes starts inside projects, learn a new skill, completes inserts, read a book or two, month started newsletter to share your thoughts. If you want to do that, anything goes its totally up to you, but here's a good exercise. figure out where to focus picture. Yours intervening with a hiring manager in two years after your dad's didn't you know your gear statehood dad state. What story would want to be able to tell them which skill Would you want to be able to say yeah? I totally know how to do that. I took a class on it and then I did a ton of it on my own to stay sharp, what skills or knowledge or relationships which you need to be a great candidate answer. Those questions then work backward and crew, a game plan. You have to leave this up to chance. You can create a road map for yourself by citing where you want to end up and then I would definitely investing in your relationships, just because you're out of the work is, it doesn't mean you can't be networking in fact, you probably, have even more time to meet new people, especially the virtual space. Maybe you
the call with one new person in your industry every week you can with them, while the baby's napping offer your expertise, help make some introductions. If you commit to that simple thing about it. You'll know fifty people in your field by the end of the year and have spent decent amount of time with him on the phone. I wouldn't be surprised if one of those people Gets you your next job or opens up some other opportunities, you and if you need some help with all this check out the six minutes, networking course we teach you how to reach out to people set these things up. demise. It Jordan Harbinger DOT, com, slash course. The courses free, I'm sure you ve, heard me talk about it a hundred times and you creative. Here too, for example, you can start a book club made even an online book club for stay at home dad's or for executives in your industry, so combine you're reading goal with your networking goal. That's just one example of how you can build the architecture to service multiple goals, all at once. To that's my advice. Take this at home, dad chapter into your own hands. It doesn't have
you're, tired out from your career. You can be a present dad and a great professional. In fact, If you spend your time well, this chapter might even advance. Your career in a surprising way. I know this decision was kind of a blow to your identity, maybe even your sense of self, but I also it's an amazing opportunity to develop an even better one. Shall be deliberate, be disciplined, be curious, create strong systems and tiny habits to run your life, so you don't have to spend extra time worrying about whether you're making the most of it are feeling stagnated, but, most importantly man enjoy this time. It is a gift in you, relationship with your children will be so much stronger because of it. I think it's bad ass that you're just going to do this I think, you're gonna treasure this period of your life, especially once your kids are grown or when you go back to work. I think he's gonna, be like the best two years of your day aid or possibly of veto the next twenty thirty years? This might just really be time of your life in many ways this is the
Jordan Harbinger Show- and this is Feedback Friday, we'll be right back thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going who doesn't some good products and or services? You can always visit, Jordan, harbinger dot com, slife deals for all the details on everybody that helps support the shell and now for the conclusion of feedback Friday are at next up. Hey Jordan gave a thirty something women working in what I would consider my dream job. I just move to a city. I love and I bought a house with my husband and the perfect neighbourhood on paper I am put together. The problem is a huge procrastinator to the point where thinking of work and life tasks keeps me up at night. With my mind, racing then, the next day I will fail to accomplish most of these things. I will clean my house or cook a nice dinner or work in the garden instead of just hammering away at these tasks.
I'll leave one email, I'm dreading dealing with unopened in my inbox for weeks, yet respond hundreds more in the meantime Y yeah. The worst part is when I finally do jumpin and face these tasks. It doesn't take his long and it isn't nearly as bad as I think it's going to be and I feel relieved afterwards. I finally reached out to some friends my mom and my sister, all of whom I consider successful high performers, and they ball admitted that they have the same problem, procrastination and then dread over it, resulting in hitting snooze over and over the next morning and being exhausted. Is this some kind of known phenomenon? How can I stop putting things off and causing myself unnecessary stress, eggs, signed, put off by just how much I'm putting off another great question will first of all, is this unknown phenomenon? Yeah, absolutely Are you kidding me? Probably half of this self help industry deal in some form, with procrastination right, a minute you any book you see online or any of these it is. This is a human thing we seek out the east
in pleasurable stuff. We avoid the difficult, painful stuffs notches. You I mean look at your free. and your mom and your sister even deal with this still to some degree and honestly you acknowledging it so openly, it's a great step in overcoming it, but before we talk about that, it's worth talk really quickly about why we procrastinate one theories Procrastination happens when there's a disconnect between our present self in our future self. It's not as Wu Wu is. he's right, even though we know that the person who has to finish the project and two weeks is the same person. We are today right now avoided that same project. We tend to not have as much empathy for that future person in general. Human beings are more focused on how they feel today, just of our many unfortunate cognitive biases. In fact, this one study and that people who are more in touch with their future selves, both too much in ten years down the line. They actually reported, fewer procrastination, behaviors owing to the studying the shown it? Another explanation is poor,
No resistance, we procrastinate to avoid something unpleasant could be. The difficulty of the task could be a resentment about even being obligated to do the task. It could be a fear of failure. That's a very common one in the fear. That's closely related to perfectionism. We want something to be per right. So we put it off and then it drags on and that we think we're doing that because we have these super high standards, but really we're just avoiding so unpleasant feelings and ourselves this by them is why I often put off important things by the way. I know I need to sit down. I know I need to think about how a phrase everything I need to plan it out and described the email little bit more. So I just wait until I'm in the right mood to do this, which is literally friggin, never right. So I use systems to defeat this, which I'll talk more about the sack and then there are more mundane explanations for why we put things off struggle with focus, lack of confidence, low efficacy, poor planning being spread too thinly all of those could explain why you procrastinate to take them
to figure out which of these variables apply to you. Don't make it a whole project. You dont need another reason to avoid work afraid, but it is diagnosing. Maybe talk to your family, discuss it with a therapist or coach you're out. What's going on beneath your procrastination, my hunch is that its avoiding unpleasant feelings thing and the not taking your future self seriously thing. In my experience, that's usually go on, especially for a higher performer like you from there you'll, be in a much better place to fix it and here a few ways to do that. First, developed different systems and habits just like to stay at home, dad oftentimes when we procrastinate. We just have bad architecture and don't worry, I'm not going to bore you with some like 1990s Franklin, Covey get her done. Seven habits of highly effective people get a day, planner crap right now you can read but that online, if you want, but I will say that teaching your brain to get. Things done, even when you don't want to do them. That's very powerful. If you do it enough, it will
Eight new habits, which are the literal pathways in your brain and in just a couple of weeks that new get stuff dunce, offer it's going to replace the old avoid this at all costs software in while you do that give yourself some positive reinforcement to cement the habit. Maybe you grab cup of coffee after you answer a few emails in the morning. Maybe you get our praise and a better review from your boss, forgetting your work done on time, or maybe you reward is just not feeling, yes and getting a good night's sleep. I know this kind of hokey, but the science really does show that when pair and a verse of task with something enjoyable. Its value increases in likelihood of procrastinating on it decreases. So, for me, I've got checklists envy to do is app on my phone. And on my computer, for everything like this answer: five and and emails answer twenty linked in messages answer ten in ram dams whatever that way
look at my inbox and go my gathers attorneyship there and I'm never going to get it all down. Let's make homemade ravioli ride like that's it. I understand how that can be grade in. Do that specific type of procrastination, but if I just go, Gotta get through five important emails, one two, three, four: five ok, now, I'm good, I chip away everything and then before I know it's like. I only have a few things left I get our role and I start to do the work. It's like the old go outside and running shoes on, but you don't have to go running unless you actually want to at that point and then you're like all school outside of my shoes on its like those little tiny bites that super helpful and if you need it course inhabit formation. I'm gonna link a bunch of great episodes for you in the shadows. just don't listen to them as a way of avoiding your email due to email and endless into them or listen to them. While you do your email or better, yet just do your email and realize you don't need to listen to them at all. My last again, not original, but this one is great tackle the least pleasant thing too
on your to do list the first thing in the morning before you do anything else right. This is called. Eating the frog. I think there's a productivity book, which is probably two hundred pages of just saying the least pleasant thing on your list. First, I started his years ago. It's been an absolute game changer if you try to work up to them unpleasant things later, you're gonna dread it for the whole day and that will infect your home, food which will make you put it off even longer, which will make you push it to tomorrow, and the cycle just repeats over and over again until you have a bunch of crappy days and you finally bite the bullet short circuit that pattern, was Mark TWAIN who said if it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do at first thing in the morning and if it's your job, the ITU frogs it's best to eat the biggest one. First, like you said when you We do face these task that not even as bad as you think, they're gonna, be to tell yourself that when you feeling avoided and just dive in your brain will catch up. I promise and why, you do that. Take a few seconds to think about your future self. Really extra, her reminders,
She's you and you are her and whatever you're feeling right now, it'll feel worse for her in a week again, I know it's cheesy, but the science says this is the more you integrate your present self in your future self, the lash you're gonna put things off. If you try I really do think you're gonna be able to conquer this thing. You don't even needed create a hundred percent, especially at first, if you get thirty percent better at this, your life will change dramatically, and then you can better and better over time from there. Also, we found a good book for you. It's called solving the procrastination puzzle, a concise guide to strategies for change by Timothy A Rachel he's one of the top procrastination researchers around its probably fuller gems, willing to that book in the shown it actually talk to guy years and years and years ago I just damn it. That area is long gone, but I remember talking with him on the phone systems habits introspection. That's your gameplay! Good luck
this documentary of the week is brought to you by fruit of the loom thanks to fruit of the loom for sponsoring the documentary recommendation of the week here. I also recommend, looking in your underwear drawer and replacing the ones whose best days might be behind them. fruit and alone. For that, my recommendation this week is the dissident. The dissident is about the murder of Jamaica showed me a little dark, obviously, but it's more about Saudi Arabia's effort to control international descent and it's a little dark, but it's really well produced. It follows the. ass, a nation of custodian, also sort of documents, other dissidents, from Saudi Arabia that are essential on the run from saudi Crown Prince Mohammed been somewhat so. It's be a little bit humanity, nerd or political policy nerd, but I thought it entertaining and interesting and Jan Lighted- and she doesn't follow a lot of stuff, I think you really dig at the dissident will link it in the show notes you'll enjoy that. I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week and everyone who listened thanks for that are linked to the shortage of the episode
found it Jordan, harbinger dot, com transcripts or in the show notes. There's a video feedback. Fridays that goes up. Are you to channel eventually at George, harbinger dot com, Slash Youtube, I'm at Joe and harbinger on Twitter, Jordan, Harbinger on Instagram or you can hit me on linked in where my name is Jordan, harbinger you can find gave on Twitter at Gabe Misery, ah he or on Instagram at Gabriel, Ms Raw. He this shows created in association with Podcast one. My team is gender urban jerk J Sanderson Robert Ferdy, unbared, milieu Campo, Josh, Ballard and, of course, Gabriel. Ms right, our advice in it. and those are our own, and I am a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer, to do on research or implementing anything you here on the show. Remember we ride by lifting others, share the show, those who love. If you found this episode useful, please share it with somebody else who can use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen and we'll see you next time. Here's what you should check out next the Jordan Harbinger show I
Did it in a way that most people now I just wanted to work on my own? I want the chance to build something scratch. My way I didn't know it was an immediate start up. It was just me I was fucking around with ideas. I just need space a table laptop and a few ideas. It took more than a few to get TAT Instagram, but that was yeah. I we think there is a reason. Why start started by like twenty earls you can go far too, for I am every single day. Maybe the longer you dont get sick, like you, don't really have kids and that's part of the beautiful thing about entrepreneurship is that you can make lot happened. Was a few people highly leverage you stay healthy Ngos
talked a lot about having like one tat magic. All instrument was was like that our and a half and Photoshop for five seconds the beginning going down to what five milliseconds towards the end. Rarely does your plan I work out, so you have to be able to be quick to move to where the fire starts. You can't will lightning is what I'm saying you too was a dating site. It's crazy! That's! While to think about how you can go back and you can actually see the Wayback machine like what it looked like way back in the day and striking I opened startups this Sunday. There will be this moment where retro school again, where life divide, we don't have now we're just on the web for more from cabin system, including how to get feedback from others and when you should and should not listen to it check out episode three thirty, five right here on the Jordan Harbinger Show.
Transcript generated on 2022-03-06.