Thinking back on how you've navigated your life, you're concerned that certain human interactions reveal a tendency toward behavior that our former guest, behavioral expert Thomas Erikson, might categorize as psychopathic. Weighing the evidence for and against, you really want an answer to this question: "Am I a psychopath?" We'll try to get to the bottom of this and more here on Feedback Friday!
And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at email@example.com. Now let's dive in!
Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/592
On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
- Weighing the evidence for and against, you really want an answer to this: "Am I a psychopath?" [Thanks to behavioral expert Thomas Erikson for helping us field this one!]
- Now in your thirties, you gathered the courage to tell your mother about the sexual abuse your stepfather inflicted on you as a teenager. Her response was to take his side and now they've moved out of state, essentially cutting you off entirely. You're rightfully devastated. How can you move on from this? [Thanks to clinical psychologist Dr. Erin Margolis for helping us with this one!]
- Your otherwise model spouse has one or two episodes a year when overdrinking prompts him into hurtful ranting for which he'll apologize the next day and all is forgiven. But what if he mouths off to the wrong person or says something that is truly unforgivable next time (like the upcoming holidays)? Is there anything you can do in the moment to bring him back to his senses?
- As a factory supervisor, you expect to hear certain blue-collar perspectives aired that would be considered unprofessional (or grounds for termination) in other fields, but it's only gotten worse in today's divisive political climate. Sadly, objecting to the employees and HR has gotten you nowhere. Hunting for another job during the pandemic would set you back in several areas of your life, but you feel powerless to improve conditions at your current position. What should you do?
- You're an overwhelmed teenager in a rural community who has found solace in the act of cutting yourself with a razor blade. You know it's dangerous and you told your parents you're over it after they caught you, but you still crave the feeling. How can you actually get over the urge to cut yourself? [Thanks to Dr. Erin Margolis for helping us with this one, too!]
- Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to...
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
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welcome to feedback Friday, I'm your host Jordan, Huh
Bonjour. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer Gabriel Miss Raw. He I got your
you're cold from last week. Here now I got Dennis rod. Monodist arrived the natives, whatever we called it last week. Man, I just woke up, did a bunch.
interviews and then like felt myself getting sicker as the day of progress, and this is one of those one of those crash
never get sector have not would, but anyway, nobody cared
on the Jordan Harvest, show we decode the stories, secrets and skills of the world's most
fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice
you can use out an alarm laughing at that, so that you can use the impact your own life and those around you. We want to help you see the matrix when it comes to how amazing people think and behave in our mission is to help
you become a better informed, more critical thinker even get a deeper
understanding of how the world works and make sense of what is really happening even inside your own mind. Now, if your new
to the show on Fridays. We give advice to you an answer. Listener questions the rest of the week. We have
form interviews in conversations with a variety of just amazing people from spies to see owes athletes, authors, thinkers, performers, this
Big. We had Andy Norman on mental immunity, how we can keep our thinking free of diseases of the mind so to speak, and also I was unchaste Jarvis
live where I got interviewed on a wide range of topics, namely now
working relationship development, so I decided to air that in the feed cause, I thought the episode one particularly well chases, a fun interviewer, a good friend of mine, so I wanted to plug this into the feed for all of you
as well so make sure you have to listen to everything that we created for you here this week. We also got a really
actual email from a listener. Now we get a lot of really great emails, but this one sort a hit different gave. You want to read it sure, so somebody wrote in saying
and to thank you for doing what you do tonight. I will find myself sleeping alone for the second night and a role for the first time in five years. I could not be happier I started listening to your show a couple weeks ago and Spotify even
I have always tried to be self aware. Your show really open up a lot of locked doors. In my mind, one of those doors under a hundred pounds of chain and fifty pound padlock was the fact that my relationship was controlling toxic and nearing a stage where the next thing to get broken in a fight,
have been me. Thankfully, I have good people on my side and was able to get out with one of my three dogs and my two cats. All of my coworkers rallied people I met two or three times in my life, gave me a place to live. I thought people helping me nonstop. I've been as open and honest about my situation where the people around me, because I feel like it will help me he'll. I'm really just here to give your huge thank you. I'm alive, I'm safe.
and I'll never feel alone again. So this this is amazing. You know this is one of those. Does anybody listen to feed that Friday for anything
other than schadenfreude net attainment, and the answer is obviously yes, I mean
doesn't even a long time. Listen. This is somebody who's been listening just for a few weeks so I'd. I love that. I love that impact. You know it
love about this message gave is that you and your wife,
he s, pen late at night, which I never do? But you know you see those documentaries and it's like a broke athlete and they go man you find out. We are real. Friends are you're watching behind the music on each one in high school, and it's like the artist goes.
well can he's like what happened all these friends I had and there are bitter about elderly. They always say you find out who you're real friends are. This is the opposite experience right this woman
found out that people she had met two or three times in our life gave her a place to live. You find out how much support you have that you
and even realize you had until you ask
help, and this is my experience when I was restarting the
Jordan, Harbinger show for years ago. Not even four years ago, I was like our man. You know, a lot of people are gonna goes to me
he probably and I had people that I just didn't even remember they were being like I've loved your show or yeah man. We met once at a conference three years back, I'm the male everyone. I know about this on my email list or have you on my show in
times your new show, and that that was surprising to me, this woman,
her colleague, stepping up had almost near strangers stepping up the other thing.
when you're in a toxic situation, a lot of people tend to stay away from you because well you're, in a toxic situation right and on what the two rubber,
If on me out, I want to be involved and I want to be in the middle, but once you decide for real
I'm getting out of this a lot of people like yes. Finally, I will help you
they want you to get escape velocity. They didn't want to go
involved if you're gonna go back to your abusive relationship and then that now the boyfriends after you
husbands after you and hate your guts and they have to deal with the fall out, but almost every
he's a human being is going to be willing to take somebody who is in a bad situation and help them if they think that that is going to work right if they think that there's a chance at their help is gonna, be well received,
I just love this message. For so many reasons. I think it illustrates a lotta good points and
I realise that what we're doing is important, so I hope that everybody gets a little bit of value from this letter in
so much to her for writing that in descended into us. I love it as always
some fun ones, and some deuces can't wait to dive in gave what is the first thing out of the mail bag? Hey Jordan again, I'm writing to you, because I am afraid that I might be a psychopath.
without trying I file away every human interaction I've ever had and, however, on reacts to different stimuli. What you're a psychopathic expert, Thomas Ericsson, described as being able to pick things off of a shelf? My earliest meant
The problem is being an elementary school and forgetting to do my spelling homework. I claimed a paper that had
your name on it. As my own. An hour later, the teacher called me to her desk with another student who also claimed the paper. Without thinking I insisted, the paper was buying the teacher decided to do spelling test. I remembered how the words were spelled and matched the assignment closer than the other student and teacher ended up giving us both credit for the paper. I didn't feel guilt, remorse, fear or worry,
If anything, I felt powerful powerful that I outsmarted the teacher. On the other hand, I knew that what I just I was wrong despite it not feeling wrong from that date forward
centrally became an anti bully speaking up when textbooks got things wrong and teachers failed to equip students for the real world. When someone came to me with a problem, I could quickly diagnose what was going on and give them decent advice. This made me fairly well liked, but I didn't have any emotional connection to the people. I was held
I didn't care about the consequences of intervening or fear lowering by social standing, one night at a party, for example,
I saw a young man trying to force a girl into a bedroom, long story short. I had to be pulled off at a guy and spent the night in jail. I enjoyed the support of fighting up until then, but that I was not sport. I honestly don't care if I killed him fast forward, many years, a marriage for children and nearly a decade of sickness, and I still feel like that. Wolf, having recognised just how predatory by instincts are, I refuse to even use basic sales techniques or relationship building skills because they could be slightly manipulative, but there is a large job market without engaging those skills. At this point, I feel secure in moving forward, especially because I've been open with my wife and asked her to keep track of my behavior and tell me if it changes. But what do you think I am I in fact
like a bath and if so, what should I do signed facing the spectre that I might be Hannibal Lecter while fascinating question? I appreciate your candor about all of this. I'm sure it's not easy to talk about, and I admire your eagerness to figure out. What's going on here. It's interesting, I think a lot of
People walk around wondering if there's something wrong with them. I mean I've done this before gave. Were you
on what I asked about intrusive thoughts into my
what else walk around and just be like what would happen if I just jumped up and tabled smack that person across the face? Many like way to my insane for thinking this route- and I remember talking about this on the show, unlike dozens
people wrote in and the like. Now doesn't everybody do that, and I felt a lot better after that. I think a lot of people have this bugging there had that there's something wrong with them, especially people who take an interest in cycle
gee. You know it's funny. I also remember a while ago I interviewed this famous expert on narcissistic personality disorder and I got a ton of you.
Else from listeners being like. I just listen to your interview and a lot of what he described sounds just like me. What's wrong with me,
but my a monster and of course these people were not malignant capital and narcissists. They were just hyper aware of the standard,
our cystic impulses that literally all human beings have to some degree kind of, like our medical schools, do
start thinking? They have all the diseases their patients are coming in with a web m d syndrome and also, however,
But he whose like two months into a therapy programme, starts writing in and telling us everything that were wrong about on feedback frighted, all the terminology that we're using and I'm just like cool. We got our answer.
for real therapists within twenty years of experience, but tell me more about how
I've known anyway, so
like you're alone, in worrying about something like this, but we wanted some insight from an actual authority, of course, so we consulted with your boy Tom
Eriksson Behavioral, expert and author of the book, surrounded by psychopaths, we did a fascinating interview with him some time back. That was episode for sixty five. I highly wreck
when checking it out. If you want to great crash course in the cycle paths mindset you gotTa Jordan, harbinger dot com, slash for six five that goes for every episode has type the number after Jordan are measured outcome or after the slash anyway,
and the first thing Thomas said, he's that your letter it contains some interesting contradiction,
on one hand
being very open and blunt about your impulses. You say that you are lacking in guilt of remorse. You feel like a wolf to use your word to confess that you didn't care. If you beat another person to death,
It's pretty disconcerting Thomas agreed that that probably isn't could include normal. At the same time, though, you're telling us how few
Finally, you protect other people, how you make an effort to council them how you active-
avoid professional skills that even seem remotely manipulative. Like the aggressive sales tactics, you even asked your wife to keep track of your behavior. You want to
your impulses. That is not exactly monstrous behaviour right. So are these psychopathic tendencies? Well, in Thomas's view, he doubts that, in his view, a psychopath wouldn't even see himself as well
Psychopaths generally, dont consider their own behaviour at all, and they don't think that they
the wrong way you seem to feel
or your more in contact with right and wrong, but it does sound like you, dont modulate. Your actions very well sometimes show to quote Thomas here: a wolf can't act,
wrong way as long as he is behaving like a wolf, he just is, and I agree
with a mere reading. Your email, I'm not getting Dexter Morgan Vibes, I'm not getting squirrel in the mailbox vibes, I'm getting person who has complicated, and sometimes it is regulated feelings about himself in the world vibes which describes a huge number
of people? These feelings might seem psychopathic, but that doesn't make you a psychopath
I'm having the exact same reaction. Just yes he's complicated. Yes, he's conflicted and he's done some things that are kind of questionable, and maybe his moral compass is not always well calibrated, but this isn't like a guy like stocking people. Might snap and murder somebody or like premeditated or anything like that.
But if you're not actually a psychopath and what is going on here well hard to say for sure. One theory that Thomas proposed is that there might be some narcissism at play here.
there does tend to be a lot of overlap between narcissism and psychopathy. He explained this to us, but according to Thomas Narcissists, generally
aren't as cunning or threatening as a psychopath would be there often manipulative attention seeking self centered but
usually fully aware of what they're doing. To quote Thomas here, narcissism is less. I want to do this terrible thing, and so I just will- and it's more like- I probably should have done that thing that I just did, which does seem to capture how you feel sometimes like with the spelling to store when giving advice, became awaited,
people to like you, Thomas also raised another interesting idea, and I do want to tread lightly here, because you know we're just going off one email. We don't really know you're full story, but he did say that there might might be some attention seeking behaviour going on here.
possible that you found it intriguing way to get a little bit of attention by displaying some very real problematic patterns and then writing into a show about and getting them to talk to you about it and see if you know lines up with your experience, if you are playing this up a little bit and again we're speculating Europe, and if you are, that isn't
you too is just an issue in a different way, but we're nothing you straight applying or anything we obviously have no way of knowing you do seem sincere, but Thomas is getting at an interesting question which is: is your perception of yourself as a psychopath? Is that serving some purpose
is it I don't know, maybe creating an identity that allows you to feel special or in need of attention. Does that status that you have
an outsider. Allow you to move through life at a certain way, maybe without too much of an emotional investment or maybe just in a sort of muted descent
her stared way that protects. You from what might actually be quite intense feelings that would be very interesting to explore, because, even if it turns out that you're not actually a psychopath, the fact that you view yourself that way that is still very meaningful yeah. Those should be great questions to explore for sure they'll. Probably get you closer to resolving some
this stuff than trying to fix the psychopaths psychology or describing? Because I don't doubt for a second,
but you're dealing with some very intense experiences, but you probably just needed.
Through them with the professional understand where they come from how they operate and find a more helpful explanation if there is one so you
situation, is complex, to say the least, but Thomas
opinion. Is that your probably not a psychopathic
he's not a doktor. He hasn't even seen you in real life, so you take that for what it's worth, but that should be
during a reassuring, but there's still work for you to do. I'd find a good psychologist.
Pretty much immediately. You might even want to look for somebody who has experience with psychopathy specifically and tell them point blank what you are wrestling with, so that they know how to
protein and you can get an experts. Diagnosis, that's real
Always gonna be your best bet when it comes to stuff like this, but whether you're a psychopath or not, it sounds
You have a lot to talk about, especially the things that this fear of being a psychopath is holding you back from so I'd make that a priority
good luck with men and good on you for being the self aware, but you know gave her
definitely is not a psychopath trying to prey on your vulnerabilities. The amazing sponsors who support our show, we'll be right back
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two years old and my mother's husband, sexually abused me from the age of thirteen to about the age of sixteen. I finally found the courage to tell my mother about all this a few months ago after all these years, and her reaction was not what I expected
Initially, she asked our husband to leave our home for the next two months. We spoke very little. She asked me to give her time to process and she told me
been in me that she was staying with a family member until she figure things out. Little did. We know she was actually moving to a different state with her husband. We haven't spoken in months and she refuses to take any of my phone calls. The last time she spoke with my husband. She told me that things are different from how I'm saying they happened. She doesn't believe
By that I mean traumatized. As I say I am, she doesn't understand why I waited all this time to say something and why I agreed to move back home. If you did this to me, she thinks I'm doing this out of revenge, because I never liked my stepped add, and I want to separate them. I am so hurt angry and confused. She has cut me out of her life, but I can't seem to do the same part of me is waiting for her to snap out of it and come back home, I'm having a hard time coming to grips with my new reality. I never imagined that the day I told my mother, the truth, she would refuse to believe me and take her husband side. How does
One move on from this signed the loan survivor. While all this is a really heavy story, you shared with us and I'm so sorry you went through this. I can only imagine how traumatized it is to be abused by her stepfather. That's heart breaking enough, but
and to tell your mom all these years later and have our basically just deny your whole experience is just doubly traumatized thing:
and I can hear from your letter how hurt and angry and sad you are about all this and that that makes total sense. I get it so obviously this is very complicated territory
We want to consult with an expert on your situation, so we reached out to Doktor Aaron, Margolis, excellent, psychologist friend, Michel and Doktor Margolis his fur
reaction was similar to us, just very moved,
heart broken by your story. It's awful its violating. It's scary.
Course you're going through a lot right now. She also pointed out that-
Sadly, your mom's response to all of this. It's not uncommon,
for parents in this situation, as you put it to us, it's very hard for parents to X.
a revelation like this to accept that they hold some responsibility for Britain
a person into their lives who would harm their child and some parents instead of accepting that responsibility
they just turn around and blame their child. That does not.
Cute moms behaviour at all. It might give you some context, probably not a surprise, but what really good
we gave is that her mother lied to her about going back to her husband and then they moved state and I'm wondering if they were like we.
Get out of here, because we can get prosecuted in this state. So, let's move to another state. That's like not gonna play ball. I don't know, I don't know how that works, maybe but that's just extra sketch
No it's one thing to sort of go. I dont know what to do. I'm just die need me time. It's another thing to be like we need to escape and then escaping with the actual perpetrator, she's. Choosing the
stepped add over her own daughter, and she didn't want her to know and ashes mine blowing to me to me that signals that on some level she knows
her daughter might be right, but she just cannot bear acknowledge
not to herself, which I mean look moms, obviously go into her own complicated process right now. I guess I have some compassion for the bind the cheese end, but to me it is unconscionable anyway. All of that to say you feeling
so hurt and angry and confused. That makes perfect sense. Mom didn't protect you. When you were a kid and
was going on under her nose and she's. Not
acting. You now was an adult when you're telling her this,
the whole happened to you not only that she's
It up denying your reality in a way that strikes me as incredibly cruel, all of which
Doktor Margolis pointed out is probably bringing up a lot of feelings in the here and now, but also a lot of the feelings from the past that haven't been resolved. Now, the real heart of your question is this
range conflict urine now we're your heart.
And that your mom won't support you. Your confused and feed
he is at her, but also use
aunt cut her eye to your life and man. I can really empathize with you here
no matter what your mom is done. She still your mom. You still,
need her in some way. I mean we all need our moms, even
Their imperfect or hurtful or even absent, that's a very big wound and pray
something that wound healing it. That's where a lot of
growth, you're looking for is gonna, happen and doktor mark
was put it even more directly. In her words, you
clearly need to grieve your mother, the mother. You thought you had
mother, you needed to have and the mother that you wish you had now and that's incredibly painful grief is painful and it starts with coming to
armed with some very brutal facts. You can undo what your step dad did to you. You can
four and tell your mother. What happened you can now
on. No, how she reacted. That's up there with some of the most hurtful experiences you can have in life to be abandoned by the one person who should be taking your side. I dont know
you're ever gonna be able to cut your mama your life. The way your mother's done with you from the sound of it, but you are going through
an irreparable shift with her, so Doktor Margolis. His insight is that you won't heal from
by getting rid of the sadness in the longing for your mother, you'll have to start by acknowledging that the
feelings are there that their valid that their painful and that they might need?
ever go away completely those feelings
responds to a trauma like this there part of being a human being, and you can be experiencing all of this grief
and be realising that your mother is not a protective figure for you, as Doktor Margolis point
it's not one or the other is both an that's part of the mind fuck of accepting it.
Jewish like this in its entirety. So much
you can. I would forgive yourself a little bit give yourself. Some grace
still wanting your mom right now, of course, you still want the nurturing of
until figure, while you're processing, what happened to you even,
your realising that she can't realistically offer that to you right that is so well such organ and olive outside it does sound like what you really want is to be free of this loop that you're stuck in to use your words
of me is waiting for you to step out of it and come back home but she's. Clearly, not I mean not anytime soon, anyway, Doktor Margolis Zira and on this as well and her inside there was,
pretty dead on, as she put it, does that's a dangerous game to play. Those were her words because waiting for your mom to realize that you were right and that she made a grave mistake in all likelihood, that's a path to even more disappointment and a path to you know being pursued
they stuck in this phase of the experience this new reality that you find yourself in right. Now, of course, it's difficult to wrap your had around a because. Not only are you a survivor of sexual assault but you're a survivor without one of your primary support figures, which you know that's devastating. You deserve better than this and you might not get that from your mother and there's no way around. It is just a shitty place to be so Doktor Margolis
approach to a situation like this is really about allowing yourself to have the feelings, your having and trust that this is part of an incredibly difficult but very necessary process.
grieving your morning, you're young herself, in addition to the mother, Join mentioned a moment ago. Your morning, the relationship you thought you had with her and your morning, your mom now and the thing about grief, and we talk about this on the show, a lot
it usually never goes away completely, could ebb and flow it might be better or worse from day to day and
the time you will figure out how to channel that grief and more productive ways, but going through an act of abuse like this. That is not the kind of thing that you just put away one day and then never think about again. This is something you have to live with and process and make meaning of that's really the only way forward.
that's right. I gave my heart kind of eggs for this woman, but that's really her only option it's time to confront, except and process, and if you're not there. Already the
asked place. The only place in my opinion is in therapy. You find someone good, maybe somebody who spoke
lies in trauma and abuse and get the support you need, you do needed your worth it. I know it sounds corny, but this is a problem
that is worth handling correctly. I'm so sorry. This happened to you, but I'm
really proud of you for telling your mom the truth and owning what happened. That is such a crucial step. You seem like a very brave person, I'm really
do applaud your behaviour here, and I know those qualities are going to serve you very well in therapy and in the rest of your life, so we're sending you hugs from California. Good luck. You can reach us at first
they at Jordan, harbinger dot com. Please keep your emails, concise! Try to use a descriptive subject line that makes our job easier and if you can include the state and country that you live in, that help us get you even more detailed advice. If there's something you're going,
through any big decision, your wrestling with, or you just need a new perspective on stuff life. Love work: how to protect your family from your delusional and paranoid parents, whatever's keeping you up
nightly hit us up Friday at Jordan, harbinger dot com, we're here to help, and we keep every email anonymous our right. What's next hatred
I gave my husband is loving and hard working, and we have a happy relationship is also extremely talkative and open
dated and hardly stops for breath at times. Sometimes, leaving me out of group conversations, I'm used to this, though, if he wants a stage, let him have it. The problem is that when he drinks too much his mouth runs away with him. The non stop talking occasionally turns into a nasty rant directed at me where he can say some very hurtful things I dont argue back. I think it's best to ignore him, then, the next day he apologizes, but recently this happened with someone else he was not provoked, yet he decided to put down someone else's opinion, any
would not shut up. If I discreetly kick him, he just calls me out, like she's, kicking me to shut up, but I won't I can tell him over and over to stop, but you won't once again the next day. He's always sorry. I know it's the demon drink that propels the ranting, but we both like two occasionally drink, and this only too
to happen a couple of times in a year when he has undoubtedly had too many one day, though his big mouth will offend the wrong person or hell say something to me that I cannot forgive. How do I region and slap my husband's monkey brain quiet signed a cringing wife trying to avoid strife
well here. This is a super interesting situation. This is a real problem and I think it speaks to some deeper issues in your husband and in his relationships. It sounds like this problem
the little narcissism at play here. Also, some did
in addition brought on by the drinking. Of course, your husband is not
made up monster, but he can be very hurtful and it sounds like he's kind of
dominating, maybe a little bullying and just generally disrespectful to his audience, which a silver
knowing I mean it's gotta, be hard for you to watch. I am
I join it somewhat. Embarrassing free, who is his wife
I know you're asking about how to make it that you know I gotta, I'm just gonna be honest here. I have had too much to drink a few times when
the and I've like thrown up out of the car in a number, its leg so cringe
thinking about, and I know that she was so embarrassed. Producer Jason was in the car for this once and he
just like everyone was just like. Oh my god, you know, and it was enough to get me to just not drink anymore, really, because I would like do. I want that to ever happen again. No and it's just this guy keeps doing it.
that is also running his mouth and it's just seems like I I get it. I've been. There have been on both sides of this equation. Unfortunately,
I know you're asking about how to make him change, but I'm actually more interested in the dynamic between you and your husband, as you put it you're you
days rance. You feel that if he were
stage should let him have it even when he gets nasty you don't push back, you find it best to ignore him. You are
we most of his behaviour to the drinking, even though there is dead
minutely, an element of personality at play here and every time he acts
He apologized the next day and in August, swept under the rug, of course, until the next time he has one
many Jack Daniels in the cycle does repeats itself and that,
the model of your relationship from the sound of it you huh
and is the star the show you're the audience you should
to allow to be big at least in social contexts, you overlooked some objectively does.
functional behaviour on his part, then
Is it by saying that he is entitled to the attention? Is the alcohol
logging in any way, doesn't really mean what he says and, as you put it one day, is big mouth.
Offend the wrong person or he'll say something to me that I cannot forgive, but this
already happening. He is
offending the wrong person. It's you any has said something that you can't forgive, except maybe that you ve told yourself that you forgiven it when clearly
some residual resentment buried underneath the surface. The tipping point your
read about in a way it's already here, it's already here, so my question, for you is how have you got
settled into that dynamic. What purposes
serving in your marriage. What does your huh,
and being kind of agro and uninhibited, and you being avoided and peacemaker. He was doing for you guys
because my haunches, that, beneath this dynamic theirs,
Surely a lot going on for you. I don't know about you gay, but I hear some anger in the EMS theirs and shame here. Probably some fear about what would happen
you really told your husband how you feel game apiece your mind endless, and I hear you he's loving unease,
working and he's a great husband all these other ways. I do I do that. I'm not saying this guy has
under his thumb or anything like that. But the fact that he's a good dude in many ways- and you still don't-
wanna call him out too much at the little interesting. I think that speaks to some of your stuff. Around conference
Sean, owning your feelings, possibly upsetting somebody by
saying what you really think, so, if you really want to change your huh,
behavior. You're gonna have to work on both sides of the equation.
if you haven't done this already, I would have a very honest conversation with your husband. I would respectfully but bluntly, tell him
He comes across when he dominates a conversation and belittles people's opinions. How you see that behaviour
ding his relationships, his reputation with your friends, then I would tell him- and this is-
the way the most important part? I would tell him what all of this is like for you, how it feels to be excluded from a conversation how it feels to have to listen to his rance.
what it's like to be on the receiving end of his hurtful comments- maybe you ve tried this, but I dont get the sense that you really told your husband a look
No, you probably don't mean it. I'm willing to forgive a lot, but its very embarrassing. For me, when you belittle my friends, opinions its extremely
hurtful when you insult me and I'm really asking you to think about what you're saying and how it affects other people, especially me
that's hard to do when you're drinking, then I think we should talk about whether
should be drinking this much something along those lines that I'm guessing. That would be a pretty
every thing to say to your husband. It might in fact be a little threatening for him to hear, but the fact that its scary- maybe that's a sign that it's important year well such or such a good point.
since the conversation that in many ways she has been running from- and maybe he has to in his own way, by taking up so much space, because I don't know by Europe's we're picking up on a little bit of a manic quality and her husband. You know the intensity, the non stop talking that kind of man, equality, that's often a defence against
something so in addition to having this conversation with your husband, I would also explore what's going on for you, what you are afraid will happen if you speak up, how biting
tongue in sweeping things under the rug,
be allowing you to keep things may be an even keel and also I what cost to your sense of self and to your feelings. I know these are big questions. They would be great ones to bring into
the therapy and if you and your husband have some trouble working through this than couples, counselling would be a great idea because, again you're asking about your husband's rance how to make him stop, but really
It's just an entry point into a whole world of stuff about both of you so to your question,
I return and slap my husband's monkey brain quiet. The answer is you, you can't you really can't. You can't make your spouse into a radically different person overnight. There is really no short cut here.
You're going to have to share things that you haven't, wanted to share and your husband's going to have to acknowledge them and you're both going to have to talk to each other at work through the feelings that this difficult conversation brings up, but
Millie your husband's relate, the one is gonna have to figure out. Why he's ranting? Why he's dominating the way he does and whether he really actually wants to change here
The point gave, who knows, maybe him dominating conversations putting other people down. Maybe that's a way for him to maintain control or compensate for our feelings of inferiority, or maybe just to get attention that he doesn't
feel he's getting and other parts of his life or, like you said, the man called
the others ran might be a defence against other feeling.
whatever it is. You don't bully your friends at insult your wife, if you're not wrestling with some complicated stuff, so I think it's time to talk, probably with the help of a professional.
More, you guys can listen to each other empathize with each other. Try to appreciate what each of you was going through, the better shot you have of fixing this behaviour and
hopefully improving your marriage overall. I hope you get to do that. Good luck by the way up here,
winning us for the first time or you're. Looking for a handy way to tell your friends about the shell, we ve got these episodes starter packs. These are collections
your favorite episodes organised by popular topic to help new listeners, get a taste of everything that we do here on the show his visit, Jordan, harbinger dot com, slash start to get started our right next up hatred and again, I must
supervisor in a factory and unfortunately I have come to expect a certain amount of ignorant interrogatory comments around here. I voice my objections and try to have open conversations about these issues with my employees and HR
but I found that the problem has only got worse, especially given today's climate extreme comments about marginalized groups, coworkers, who used to see each other after work, no longer even looking at each other. Even shouting matches these
far more common now I've thought about leaving, but I need a high and steady income to continue my higher education and finding a new job during the pandemic is complicated
is there more I can do here, or should I just ignore the stuff and get on with my day signed, conscientious and conflicted, who tricky
one I get the bind the you're. On the one hand you the supervisor, at this factory, you want to foster a healthy environment. I assume that's part of your responsibility there. On the other hand, if you
in every time? One of your guys goes on a ran about immigrants than they'll, probably start to resent you they'll think you're, a buzz, kill or snowflake are there
I feel like your meddling, and anyway, you probably
more important things to do than educate, Kurt the Quality Control Inspector and why he needs to rethink some things before he talks about how women aren't as smart as men or whatever their gripe de jure happens to be so yeah. This is a hard won.
said. Oh, I love that you tried to have these open conversations. It sounds like you tried to address this thoughtful
and nobody wants to put in the effort to change which sucks
honestly, I'm inclined to say that you should just leave it there, except now. It's actually getting worse, some of your
Please don't even looking at each other. Some of them are actually
in the shouting matches that is obviously a problem. This
in just the occasional blue joke, or some on pc banter between a couple guys over their cigarette break. This is action.
becoming a hostile work environment or is a hostile work environment. So I do think you have something that you gotta do here
I don't think it's on you alone to solve this issue, so my advice go back to HR. Tell him what you're, seeing how its escalating
would spilling over into people's relationships at work. The key thing you
have to do here is make,
hr understand that this isn't just rubbing some
people the wrong way. This is,
actually having an impact on their employees, ability to do good work and that its taking it
on. You too, if you can make the highroad see that
way people are talking to one another could have a material impact on the company either by contributing
sloppy work or increasing the risk of accidents are making their best people leave for other jobs, then they might
just wake up and realise that they need to do something here. This might also
mean coming up with clearer policies on what is and what isn't, ok to say at work or enforcing the existing policies more effectively or whatever, or even holding a little town hall, where everyone has a chance to talk about how things are going and figure out where to draw the line, you can start this com
station with their bosses, but that's really up to hr and management. That is their job.
And then maybe they'll look to you to help them enforce it, but I just I don't think it's your job alone. Higher growth in Europe
He should treat HR like a partner in this problem and hopefully they can collaborate on the solution together, although the fact that he feels like it is on him completely that actually says a lot about him. He actually sounds like a pretty solid boss, yet of dude for this out of it. But if you do it,
just said, and each hour and management are like now. You know we're not going to meddle in everyone's business. We're just gonna, keep treating the factory like like a poorly moderated sub. Read it then, it's time to make it
and either you stay and you let all this stuff, rural off your back, just completely sidestep at focus on your work is best you can, which who knows, maybe that's the best move, at least as long as you have to stick with this job. I know you have some good reasons for doing that and if you said you are pursuing your NBA ears
they like that it'll probably take it all on you and it will continue to hurt some of your employees, which sucks, but you do have some control
over how worked up to get about what your hearing, given that you can't change all of these people. Psychology is, you know yourself overnight, and your other option is to start
for new job at a factory with a better culture which is probably the right move long term. It sounds to me like you're, pretty unhappy
The culture here is just wildly out of sync with your values and they seem like the right values. I gotta say just like basic human decency: vignette jumped ship totally fair. Maybe you start putting out some feel
he's right now. Get the ball rolling on interviews, see what happens if it takes a few months to line up a new job. It would be nice to start out, and I bet that that would also make it easier to get through some of the hard days at the factory when Curtis scream it up price because they voted for different people in some local election. I don't know what the deal is better
We need something they fight about. If you know that you're already planning your escape route, yeah does things.
Easier when you have the keys to the prison, so good point Gabe if he can't work with management to fix this culture
then there's no shame in leaving and eventually Del realise that by not fostering a better environment they're losing their best people or they want.
And the whole place will thus become a toxic cesspool and eventually the place of friggin fall apart. If that's the case, it don't be a fool
prioritize yourself. I love your attitude. I love your willingness to stand up for people and have hard conversations. Those are
Equality is even in the supervisor, just make sure you're offering them to a company that actually deserves them. Good luck gave you know what hr
could give this guy if he manages to clean this place up some of our amazing sponsors,
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is the Jordan Harbinger Show, and this is Feedback Friday, we'll be right back. This episode, sponsored in part by better help online therapy there,
He is so helpful if you are having a hard time, but even when things are going well, it can also help you to find your goals,
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grant incense Ink New York, New York and now for
conclusion of Feedback Friday Hague, as I'm sixteen years old, and I
in a small community in Virginia and during the middle of the pandemic I was extremely overwhelmed. I was watching a tv show that gave me the idea to cut myself. So I particularly upsetting day I try
I immediately regretted doing it, but I was still hooked on the feeling. A while ago my parents found out- and they confronted me, but it never came up again. I also was an entirely,
with them, and I told them I was over it, but I'm not over it, and now I'm craving it again. My parents are so busy. Is there anything? I can do to protect myself from hurting myself again sign
try to heal when there is so much to feel man, I'm really really glad you wrote in thank you for doing that.
And I'm really sorry that you ve been going through such a tough time. This is very soon.
staff, as you know, and it must be scary and confusing on top of being dangerous. This is definitely a sign that it's time to get a handle on what
driving this impulse to self harm, giving an essay she got
idea from a tv show is terrifying as apparent because you know you think o K,
now there are influenced by the staff, but obviously it is not the case. Once again we wanted an
for its opinion here, so we consulted with the one and only
after Margolis on your question as well, and the first thing: Doktor Margo
was explained to us is that when people and
age in non suicidal self injury, its general
an emotional regulation strategy, so it's away to cope basically oftentimes a personal
numb and then they'll cut, to feel something or they'll feel overwhelmed, like you described and they'll cut too,
motion regulate so to exert some control over their emotional states or to balance out so in Doktor Margo
his view. What you're addicted to hear problem
he isn't the cutting itself, but the Nero
transmitter rush that it creates and or the experience of feeling something other than
completely overwhelmed. I'm freaking out life is really hard and, of course, all teenagers have big emotions. That's a huge part of being
a teenager, I remember it all too well and there
nothing wrong with that, but not all people you,
rage cut themselves after watching someone. Do it on a tv show right. So I'm curious
what else is going on here and Doktor Margolis was too so her general principle in a situation like this, and, of course I agree with her completely- is
to a therapist. I know we recommend this a lot. That's because it's almost always a good idea in cases especially like this. Whatever is going
beneath the cutting and around the cutting. That is what you need
be working on with a professional, the chain of events leading up to the self harm
feelings you have right before you have the urge this experience you described.
being overwhelmed. All of that is playing a role here. Doktor Margolis kept emphasising this woman
toward the real problem. Here is not the cutting itself. The cutting is your way of dealing with the actual problem, so I would find someone to talk to as soon as possible
Then you can figure out how to intervene before you cut and hopefully find a healthier way of processing. Your feelings, you'll, probably have to ask you
parents to take you since you're a minor, and that might be a dove conversation, but it might also
make them realise how much you need the help and since they seem to be struggling with how to help you
but actually be relieved. To take you to a professional, I know is apparent.
like it came to me with something like this. I would be really worried, but I would also be really glad that I knew about it in that we were doing something about it. So don't worry about
Freak in your parents are ok in addition to talk
somebody, I would also start exploring a couple activities Hobbes in places.
Can give you a healthy outlet for some of your feelings. You know join a friggin, photography, club and
are taken. Pictures or rights, and stories imposed on WOT pad may be voluntary.
An animal shelter on Sundays, whatever I'm actually big vanity animal shelter idea. Super therapeutic animal therapy is a real thing,
I can be very grounding for you right now, there's a reason that there are
therapy dogs, it's not it's not merely a trick for people to bring their pets on an airplane. I mean now
percent of it is, but there's of assuring them there, but really any activity that helps you express yourself
process, these feelings would be phenomenal. Talking to a friend go in for a hike journey
in cooking playing music exercising. There are tons of productive outlets out there, and I would talk to your therapist about the best
way to engage in those activities when you feel this urge to hurt yourself, agree Jordan and to dig into this just a little bit more. I think we have to
by your parents here for a minute. You said that they confronted you about the cutting sometime back, but then they sort of swept it under the rug now you're struggling again, but as you put it, you can't really turned to them, because there I think Europe, the way you put it was there so
busy man during their color breaks. My were re, lay out who busy too busy to help their daughter who struggling with cutting herself out. Oh no, I imagine that, having pair
like that, an amount throwing it on them, but when your parents are too busy to take an interest rate- or maybe you just feel that there too busy and you dont want to bring this to them. That must make you feel pretty alone in all of this, if I had to guess Europe,
and snapping super involved in your life right now, probably contributing in some way to the urge to hurt yourself or at least to your coping strategies, the ways that you avoid hurting yourself, and maybe it's confirming that this is the only option. You really have
Doktor, Margolis Zira and on this as well and her insight was that you probably need more resources of support outside of your parents. So, in addition to therapy, I would look into some support groups.
Self harming in your area. Support groups by the way are super helpful because you get to hear from people who are going through something similar to you. Sometimes people, your own age as well. You can learn from their stories. You can feel less alone. A lot of people make friends in there
and since a lot of support groups are actually meeting virtually these days, you can probably hop on a meeting for your bedroom. You will have to ask your parents for a ride to the local YMCA or wherever there happening. Also, a lot of these groups have resources for parents as well. So if your parents are struggling with how to support you re now, you might be able to get some good information for them.
or at least some guidance on how to talk to them yourself, hopefully bring them into the fold a little bit more to get. You started work in a link to a bunch of great resources about self, harming in the show notes and were also includes some good support groups that we found
in your neck of the woods. Good advice gave, and I agree with Doktor Margaux- was completely. She really needs to be in therapy here and in look you're. Not broken. Therapy is for people who just want to get back on the right track, so I'm so grateful that we had a chance to even talk with you about this and if your parents make it difficult to
therapy. Then you should just check out those groups until you get there on your own to go, find some support. Start talking. Take care of yourself
find an outlet, and I know, there's gonna, be a very different way of making sense of these feelings bright,
you're, not some sort of crazy head case or beyond repair, or anything like that. I want to make that abundantly clear. So if that's in your head,
we just relieve you of that burden right now? What you are experiencing is quite common you're on the right track, trying to get it under control and find a healthier way to cope. You ve got this, so
grateful for your letter, we're thinking about you and good luck, hope you enjoy
that I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week and everyone who listened go back and check out Andy Norman and me, Jordan, Harbinger unchaste Jarvis live if you haven't heard the episodes of the podcast as we get one and oh hi managed to book all these great people on the show and manage my relationships. I use system software and tiny habits. I'm teaching you headed
the same and are six minutes networking course and that courses free over on the think effect platform at George,
harbinger dot com, slash course. I'm teaching you how to dig the well before
you get thirsty, and I wish I knew this stuff twenty years ago so start now. It really
the kind of thing you ignore it, your own peril and again it's free frickin free, take six minutes a day for five, but five and networking was taken: five
Jordan, harbinger dot com, slash course,
to the show notes for the episode or a Jordan harbinger dot com transcripts or in the show notes, I'm at Jordan.
harbinger on Twitter or Instagram, or you can hit me on linked in as well, and you can find gave on Twitter at gave misery, ah he or on Instagram at Gabriel, Ms Rocky. This shows creativeness
CS with podcast one. My team is just
Harbinger Jays Sanderson, Robert Foger D and bared Milly, Ocampo, Josh, Ballard and, of course, Gabriel. Ms Rocky, our advice, an appeal
our own and I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer, so dear own research, before implementing anything you here on the show, Doktor Margolis his input is general
psychological information based on research and clinical experience its intended to be general and informational in nature. It does not represent, or
Kate and established clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance did Thomas Ericsson. Remember we rise by lifting others,
the show with those you love. If you found this episode useful, please share it with somebody else who can use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, do your best tool
Why? What you do on the show? So you can live what you listen and we'll see you next time
if you're looking for another episode of the Jordan Harbinger show to sink or teeth into most of us have big goals that we'd like to accomplish anything from
in better physical shaped, acquitting a lifelong vice to learning a new language habits.
my creator, James, clear shares processes and practical. We can use to incrementally change our own lives for the better here's. A quick bite is not a single one percent change. That's can transform your life, it's a thousand of them whenever I feel
giving up, I think about the stone cutter who pounds a stone a hundred times without a crack showing and then on the hundred first below its Watson too, and I know that it wasn't the hundred first that did it. It was all the hundred they came before. Newsworthy stories are only about outcomes. Will we see outcomes all day, long and social and on the news we tend to overvalue them and overlook the process like you're, never going to see a new story that is life. Man needs salad for lunch like this is nine raids. Only a story is six months later, when man was a hundred pounds. The real reason habits matter is because they provide evidence for the type of beliefs they have about yourself and ultimately, you can reshape your sense of self yourself image. The person you are, if you embody flogging a washing machine here, don't one place many video games to do remember if you walk in a pretty much any living room where all the councils and airspace the office the tv. So it's like what is this room designed to get you to do? You could take it.
in turn it away from the television we either
increase the friction associated with the task sea could take batteries out of the remote so that it takes an extra five or ten seconds to started up each time, and maybe that's enough time for you to go to a really one wants something, or am I just students might be
point here. Is your bill to get habit, make it obvious you break about how to you just making this
your entire life, you are existing inside some environment and, most of the time, your existing inside environments that you don't think about right, you're like and in that sense, your kind of like the victim of your environment, but you don't have
be. The victim of the EU can be the architect of it for more with
clear, including what it takes to break bad habits while creating good ones and how to leverage tiny habits for giant outcomes. Check out
so, one o eight on the Jordan Harbinger Show with James clear. This episode is also sponsored in part by further the loom when it comes to apparel kids need a fifth is designed to fit a kid
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Transcript generated on 2022-02-28.