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601: Should I Marry My Dying Girlfriend? | Feedback Friday

2021-12-17 | 🔗

You've met someone who checks your boxes for marriage material, but there's one problem: medical issues may mean they've only got three years left to live. Should you propose and hope for a miracle? We'll examine this and more here on Feedback Friday!

And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at friday@jordanharbinger.com. Now let's dive in!

Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/601

On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
  • You've met someone who checks your boxes for marriage material, but there's one problem: medical issues that may mean they've only got three years left to live. Should you propose and hope for a miracle?
  • Your spouse went on a quest of self-improvement, and now follows a so-called "life coach" who dispenses what certainly seems to be a steady buffet of snake oil with an exorbitant price tag. How can you wake them up to the fact that this is probably a scam?
  • You have three years before you're able to retire from teaching -- a job you once loved, but students, parents, the community, and the administration are more entitled and demanding than they were when you first started. Three years seems like forever to endure a job you now hate. What can you do to make it to the finish line intact?
  • You've received a sizable inheritance, but you understand how quickly money dissipates when you try to throw it at every problem you want to solve. Are you wise for wanting to use the money to create multiple streams of income so you are able to help people more confidently in the future, or just stingy?
  • As a freelance consultant, how can you set boundaries that ensure you're not working for hours more than clients are willing to pay?
  • Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at friday@jordanharbinger.com!
  • Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.
  • Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi.

Sign up for Six-Minute Networking -- our free networking and relationship development mini course -- at jordanharbinger.com/course!

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This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Special thanks to our sponsor Glenn fix single malt scotch whisky. Lately, you heard me talk about Glenn, fitting and challenging traditional notions commonly portrayed in culture of what it means to be wealthy and live a life of riches. When fitting believes that be, the material. A life of wealth and riches is about family community values and fulfilling work. These are the values that lead Glenn, fitting to become the rule. Leading single malt scotch whisky on Feedback Friday. Are always trying to help. You solve problems, get in the way of you living your richest life more from our partners. Glenfern come up later in the show welcome to feed back Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with feedback Friday producer, the poppy Tula, who takes you to schooler Gabriel, I was the damaging name that I've ever come up with, for you, Gabriel, missed, he's also here on the Jordan Harbinger, show we decode the stories, secrets and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. You wanna help you see the matrix when it comes to how these amazing people think
behave our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinkers who you can get a deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what really happening. Even inside your own mind if you're Due to the show on Fridays, we give advice to you an answer. Listener questions the rest of the week. We have long form interviews in conversations with a variety of amazing folks from spies to see owes athletes, authors, thinkers and performers. This week we had said Sir Robert, on green washing, in other words, why those labels you see on sustainable foods like dolphin, safe tuna and other products. Those are often fake. I didn't know this. There used to launder their reputations of big corporations in many cases, which is terrifying said, we also spoke to meadow world peace formerly run our test. You might remember from the malice at the palace. You know that guy who jumped into the crowd and punched a fan at an end
game, and it turned out to be the wrong fair and it wasn't even the guy that was messing with them with one of the black marks in India, history, I'm not a sports guy. So, of course, with the conversation took a different turn. We spoke about mental health, not letting our past define us quite an interesting character. That matter world peace, so make sure you have had to listen to everything that we created for you here this week gave what's the first thing out of a mailbag age order and game I'm a forty one year old guy living in the south- and I recently left an eighteen year, marriage with a woman who caused me to distrust all women. The marriage also cause me too only view women as short term relationship material. Then three months ago, I met a woman who checks all my boxes for what I wanted a relationship now debating marrying her. But there are a couple problems. First, she has some serious medical issues that might make her lifespan three years or less she's, also shared a lot of things that trigger her PTSD, which makes a relation
with her difficult I'm such a mess. Guys should marry her with no expectation of how long I'll have with her or should I just walk away, signed till death. Do us part or make a new start, while that is quite a heavy question, really really It's a basically a grown up version of the fault in our stars or word up. What was that movie about the kids with cancer who fallen love? That's the one of autumn, our stars and yeah. That's exactly what before I don't watch movies like that, I can but out of the one where assailing Would Liam that guy from baby driver literally make out an end for exotic point, so cranes that scene was so bizarre. That's why I don't watch those that will now that's not why, but that's one of the many reasons why it is not just the Anne Frank make out saying no, and I was on the Holocaust- sexual Liberation part- is much as it is every the everything else that makes me not want to see a fair enough. The f. What let me start by saying this is an incredibly tough choice. You meet someone who they want to be with, but they only have a few years to live,
in one way that makes the whole released- shit more, meaningful, weirdly, more romantic, its incredibly tragic, but the tragedy almost makes it like or touching, but in another way I understand how something like this would give. You pause. Do I really want to sign up for this kind of heartbreak? Is it even fair to get involved somebody who's gonna die soon. Yeah, I'm certain see where they make movies about this kind of thing that this high stakes stuff here right. First of all, we have to talk about your pay for a moment, because there is obviously a lot going on there you're in a relationship that caused you to distrust all whim and two only view women, as short term relationship material, we'll get to that in a second. But now you ve met this woman
you ve done a one. Eighty, you want to marry her despite her serious health issues. Now that might actually reflect a lot of growth on your part and if so, that's great news, but it does seem like a pretty extreme shift to make putting your girlfriend aside for a moment if you had just written to us about your previous marriage, I would tell you work through that experience, figure out what went wrong. Why is it led you to have such a negative view of all women which is just unreasonable? Of course, whatever went wrong, that marriage, I want you to get super clear on that. I would get super clear on that? If I'm? U, because if you want to have a successful relationship with anyone in the future, whether it's this new woman or someone else, you're gonna, have to unpack these complicated, leaves of yours- and I can promise you that whatever they are their showing up in some way in your current relationship, so my advice go to therapy. No surprise. There start talking about this
the forensics on your marriage. You gotta do a post mortem on this thing. You have lots of good reasons to work on these parts of your life, especially given this huge decision that you're facing now. all right. Now we can talk about your girlfriend, so this is fascinating. Obviously, the hell stuff is just front and centre. If you marry this woman, your committing to Hu, a short marriage taken her through these serious medical issues. Dealing with all of the risk possibilities that that entails. That's a big role to play, I'm not trying to you out of it right off the bat. I just think we have to recognise that this is a lot to take on for anyone to take on, and I guess I am saying this- not just so your clear about what you're signing up for, but also to appreciate what that commitment would mean for her. If she has a really rough view- years ahead, she's gonna need a partner who truly loves her who's, not gonna, run away, half way through or bail
as more men or stick around the kind of like quietly resent her and me her life even harder, if you get married, you both need to be on the same page about how you feel how going to deal with everything that the next three years brings up, because I think you know it's probably gonna, be frigate devastating, although it could be very powerful to be there somebody literally until the end of their life man gave. That is so intends to think about contents. There is some real life is right there, but here's the other thing your girlfriend isn't just dealing with her medical stuff. She also has PTSD according to your letter, and that is obviously sad and, I hope she's doing ok, but she has work to do here too, because it merely an issue in your relationship. I know that might sound weird to say about somebody's gonna die in the next three years. Maybe her health stuff makes the PTSD just like a footnote in the bigger picture, but I guess I'm confused about how good this relationship actually is because
you could have said that your girlfriend is PTSD but you're happy to help her were through it or that it's a challenge. But lovers, so it doesn't matter. But that is not what you said. What you said was she has PTSD, and that makes a relationship with her difficult and yet she checks all your boxes, so I advise and you're probably a notice, a theme here is you need to dig into the stuff I would get very. Very clear on why you, in this relationship and whether it's actually a healthy relationship for both of you and what's drawing to commit in a bigger way. Despite these very significant issues gave its interesting man. He almost has to put aside the huge question of her life span to be able to see this relationship clearly, because I get the sense her diagnosis and the sums weird but hear me out here, it's almost eclipsing all of these other issues that he'd have to acknowledge in a typical relationship like it's almost like this is such a ban.
Saying that you can almost gloss over all the other actual problems or its causing them to We're look the other problems because he feel badly, for which I guess I can understand, but that is not going to make either of them happy at all. No, it is not that that's a good point. Her diagnosis does feel like them. As you here, but it's also a kind of obscuring all of these other real issues, issues that ultimately will determine if this relationship is even a good one. You know time line and lifespan I'd in Jordan. I'm still thinking about what you said earlier about the fact that he went from only viewing women a short term partners to now wanting to get married. Your right, maybe he has grown, and if he has fantastic, but the reality is he is considering during a woman who will be dying in the next three years. This relationship It has a very real expiration date. I know this is super sad to say out loud. I do not mean to be callous about it whatsoever, but if you are looking for a way to commit to somebody
really having to come in, then choosing some who is going to die pretty soon, that is If a great way to do that, I mean it is possible that he hasn't changed that much since his marriage ended, he's just found another person whose medical issues her exactly what he wants witches in his words short term relationship material. The only difference is here just treating her thou way. She is that way. So it's not as obvious that he's dating somebody who fits that template, because he's thinking to himself will look. This is her stuff. I mean this is out of my hands right, but the fact is, he still choosing her and I gotta say it Does he meaningful that the only woman he wants to move forward with a real ways and the divorce is the one person who unfortunately won't be around for very long yeah? I had not thought of that, but I think you're onto something and we don't pick our partners by accident right. This is like a subconsciously That's what I'm getting at earlier when I said he needs to unpack what happened in this last marriage, because, whatever that was its death,
at showing up in this new relationship or what you just said. I think that might be the thing that showing up again I think it might be when he says that she checks all of his boxes. I believe him they might be double in a lot of ways. Maybe you and some are really really special ways, but I wonder if one main boxes. That he's looking to check is the ability to have you, no one foot in one foot out to sort of be able to commit to somebody, but I also know that in three years, If things go the way you think they're gonna go, then he may be free again and look. I wanna be super clear about this. I am not saying that is links for this. Woman are real or that he doesn't have good intentions. I think he does, but I do think that all of those things are also being informed by these feelings, and these believes that he doesn't fully appreciate those feelings in those beliefs. They go back to his last marriage, as you pointed out, but they almost certainly
back further than that, as they always dear right to childhood, and all of that, and until you get in touch with that stuff, it's kind of impossible to resolve the conflicts that are holding you back from a real commitment or that are causing you to put people in the same role, time and time again, which in your case is basically intimacy, yes but intimacy with a shelf life. Yeah, you nail the man. Look, you got some more to do my friend we're not saying you should marry this woman. Maybe you should maybe it would a really special three years for both of you. But you need to Why you're, making this commitment and a wise with this person there are still issues in this relationship. The young. Need to address no matter what, but the fact that your girlfriend only has a few years to live. That introduces a whole other set of stakes here. So I would make sure that you're ready for that and they you can really be the partner that your girlfriend deserves. I'm really sorry that you guys are facing this intense diagnosis by the way to go.
Super sad and overwhelming sometimes. But I also think that, with the right approach, it will be very clarifying, so we're thinking about you guys or wishing you the best and you know who doesn't have a problem committing our sponsors, amazing products and services will be right back. Listening to feed back Friday here on the Jordan Harbinger show will be right back. This episode is sponsored in part by Charles Schwab. If this year is has anything it's that tomorrow may look nothing like today, but Schwab knows that successful financial planning can help propelled network by two point seven times. That's why Schwab offers a variety of easy flux financial planning options that can rise to meet any of life's many curve balls. Whether it's making a compliment We retirement plan online or chatting directly with financial consultant. Anyone can look forward to planning with Schwab, learn more at Schwab, dot com, slash plan episode is also sponsored by grandma early, it's been hacked agree
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it's just going! Who doesn't love some good products and or services you can always Is it Jordan, harbinger dot com, slash deals for all the details on everybody that helps support the shell and now back to feedback Friday on the Jordan Harbinger show all right. What's next age or Donna Gabe two years ago my wife went in search of quoting quote making herself better. She went deep into tons of books in part, casts on topics ranging from dieting. Two positive self talk to changing her way of thinking about things. This eventually led her to life coaching. she has found one particular life coach that she has gone all in with about six months ago. My wife's start paying three hundred dollars a month to meet once a week and zoom with life coach who was certified by this life coach. To quote, him quote: work on herself. She says it's helpful. Now she has a strong desire to do the six month advanced course at a cost of twenty thousand dollars. I was completely shocked and that's understating it to give some perspective. This is one of the typical situations you ve done.
About in the past, where a person is on the ropes and they give their life savings to a life, coach and hopes of female turning everything around we're, both advanced in our careers and make money, and we live comfortably below our means. So it's that she wants to spend twenty thousand dollars. It's that she wants to spend twenty thousand dollars on what seems like a program that teaches you how to get better at drinking snake oil, but at the same time, Ben quite a bit of money on my hobby over the last couple years, so I feel, like I really can't say no without looking like there's a double standard, are all of the life coaches, like this, just a scam or is there some legitimacy to them? How does a coach justified twenty thousand dollars a value for something like this? How do I get to a place where I'm ok with something like this, or should I put my foot down, signed looking askance at this song and dance of yet this is a little worrisome. As you know, I'm pretty skeptical of ninety nine per and of life coaches out there. It's not that I don't think people should get coaching. I I love good
oetting. Obviously this shell wooden exist, if I didn't believe in work and on yourself it's just that there are so few coaches out there for actually worth their salt there's all no regulation in the coaching industry. The whole field is just rife with bullshit and exploitation. I love that your wife committed to getting better. We all should be, but I do find it interesting that you guys already doing pretty well and she still wants to be coached sharp. Maybe this person take her to the next level, and that could be great, but she might also be forking over twenty grand to like a former soul cycle instructors washed out of there the academy in whose just gonna tell her to eat bread and cheese eads and start journaling every morning, so I get your concern here. The first thing I would do. I would really the sense of whether this coaches legit, I know that's what you're asking me here. So look them up online. Try to find work use that are not just testimonials on their website. A lot of people don't realize for some reason that the testimonials on peoples
website are not these impartial reviews right there selected. Those are just marketing look for stories on independent forums or social media study, the coaches curriculum, if it even exists, dont settle for. Like you know what a super charger productivity or develop a long term vision or whatever they tell you look for specific exercises, specific concepts, techniques assignments, look at our six men and networking course right. It's free and unlike this is rills exercises and practices that will help you create and maintain a network go into it and I'm giving you very specific stuff- and this is a free freakin course- I would never get coaching for something that is not specific. I've coaches for a lot of things. But it's like you going to teach me voice over for video games. We are going to do demos. We are going to work on scripts. The not like I'm gonna show
you some voice over stuff, send me six thousand dollars. It has to be specific, also check out these coaches qualifications. Were they successful in some other field before they began co, king or have they just always been coaching and their main credentials that they coach other people? That's a red flag for me, there are a handful of just top coaches who have been coaches for their entire career their amazing. You know they might have coached the Chicago I clocks another a corporate trainer, that's more like it there's a record there, but those people are right there working in the industry, now coach or they ve got a degree in psychology or management or some other achievement or accolade their trained reputable institutions. They have consulted for real companies and you can sort of verify this. By getting a letter not just like, I spoke at Google once that doesn't count. Ok, if this coach, your wife, wants to higher This has an online life coaching search and
two hundred hours of I don't know like: what's it could dearer yogurt teacher training of whatever that from bickering? That's a concern. Ok, but if you started and sold a yoga studio and then went on to consult for real. In some other major fitness brands and worked lewd lemon in corporate. Now, that's a different story, very different. The other big thing. I'd try to sell us out is whether He's coaches are encouraging your wife to run with what she's learning on her own or, if they're, keeping her on the tap. Ok, we talked about this and that that show Gabriel, that we did about fate, gurus and stuff like that suck India into their final, but the fact that she was doing three hundred bucks a month and now they're up selling our two. This super hi ticket twenty grand six month programme are now sounds a little says to me any program that says you have to keep coming back, or else you won't be successful. That is usually a red flag. Even the frigate mill
Terry doesn't keep you in boot camp for more than a few months right. They get you graduate you two different stuff and they don't tell you that I have to do it every single day I much more sympathetic to a programme. It says: look, this is twenty grand. We teach you everything you need to know you go off applied on your own. We want you to do that. We don't want you to have to keep paying us to see results, even though there is ongoing, support, where's the program and says hey for she do our weekly coach, Then you graduate tourist six month programme than you do our year, long accountability, worse and then we're gonna spam you with marketing for retreats and masterminds for the next eight frickin years. Those programmes are almost always predatory in some way,
I agree: Jordan, I'm also having a little bit of a reaction to this coach pawning, his wife off to another coach. Yes, she certified. I mean that doesn't automatically mean that the coach is bad, but I don't know I just it sounds like the main life coach. She really liked as the face of the brand and then she sort of farms out clients to different coaches. Maybe so she can scale it's a little unclear yeah! That's a good point. Look I point out that two. Unless these coaches are rigorously, and in the same curriculum, it's really hard to know if she's, even getting the quality that she was promised. That's not necessarily you'll breaker, but it's just one, we're thing on the list of ok, that's interesting, and I wonder I wonder what the payment structure is light, but that's a whole different sort of question that we're
the matter is the money flow, and also like is the woman she initially was attracted to you is that the person is doing the tick tock like the self help take toxin. Then it's like. Oh I'm, inches in your coaching programme, she's a great. I have five people who do that for me right. Here's, the schmuck Jordan, who got certified two weeks ago by paying twenty grand and is now is working for me right exactly right. So You do everything. Jordan said I would also talk to your wife about why she's drawn to this programme in the first place. I know she said it's helpful, but why is it helpful? I mean? Is it because she likes having someone to talk about our weak with somebody who can keeper accountable? Maybe somebody who motivator fair enough? also. Is that necessarily something you need to make somebody for? Or is she finding it helpful because this person, she's working with, is really helping her there helping her do some deep work around her habits or her thoughts or her goal stuff like that something that's Lee
to something measurable if it's more the former than I would ask your wife if she really really needs to pay. Somebody twenty grand to make sure that she's avenue exercising and crossing things off of her to do list. That is the sort of lowest common denominator, coaching that, in my view, you can problem. internalize and do for yourself even better three dollars a month to check in once a week. I could see that may be being reasonable, but twenty thousand dollars for the same thing just longer. That could easily be assails funnel upset with just no real benefit, but if it turns out that your wife really is generating huge returns from this king like she's, getting a big promotion or she's demonstrably happier or more focused. Then maybe you'll feel more comfortable with her spending the money, but the thing about life, coaching
is that you usually don't know if you're going to generate those results before you actually begin. That's part of the hustle. You know be interesting. Jordan. If she went to this life, Cochin said sure I'll do the programme, but here's an idea, I'll pay, you half of the money up front and then I'll give you. Let us say, like twenty percent of my additional earnings above what I'm making now for the next two years, which could easily exceed twenty grand that she would have paid in cash if this coach really stands behind what she teaches than then shall be more likely to go for that, but if she's like now, just eight twenty grand thanks, you know that would be pretty telling yet it's a clever idea. I dont know if a coach would go for that, because then there dependent on you to execute the result and then actually pay the about over age, which you know the mayor and a chase you for. Potentially I like we're heads that it would make an interesting test for sure just to even observe how the coach responds like, if she's polite but firm about her feet fair enough, but if she gets all shifty and defend
of that tells you a lot about her personality or like terms it around and sort of, like blames you for even trying to negotiate you're Nicole creating in this is bad. I bet you negotiate with yourself too, and compromise you're gonna nearly word. You get also speed up and you forget the yard negotiating the breast said answer. Your question are all life coach is a scam no, but in my experience most of them are just generic. When I get watching, I'm getting a skill, I'm getting a real, tangible skill voice silver, I'm learning how to do something in production. I'm learning chinese right. Some of these coaches are generic, but some are straight. A predatory alive coach can justify charging twenty grand by helping people earn multiples of that, but they kind of have to prove it right. They have to have passed clients that of all use this stuff to really juice up, and on that note, You might want to encourage your wife to ask this coach if she can chat with a couple of her past clients and see what they think when I was selling programmes and coaching people would say, can I speak to pass students?
like absolutely here's, a guy in your area. You might even be able to meet face to face here's another guy. If it you don't click with the first guire, you can't make time to talk and they like a while, ok, you know these are not easy. find in most guy, but if they're like no our clients are all confidential, not great right, that's a dodge and that's a bad sign. So here's my take the question: isn't how do I get to a place where I'm ok with something like this? The question is: how do I assess this programme and understand what my wife really needs right now, if you find out the coach really is a hustler yeah put your foot down, but me More importantly, I would help your wife understand why she was drawn to somebody like this in the first place and how she can seek out higher quality influences in the future and to help you do that. We're gonna linked to some art those and a deep dive. We did on literally this exact topic, it'll be on the show, Jordan, Harbinger Dotcom, highly recommend check in those out and good luck and ghetto gave this just occurred to me.
I would wonder- and I would ask this dear dear Writer- is this approach We're your wife get certified to do life coach work because they didn't address that in here, because he might not know because his wife might actually not have told him and that's why he needs to look at the curriculum, because a lot of these codes do this sort of shifty crap, where they're like sign up for this in good coachman and sign up for this now, you're being train the trainer and you doing this and it's like the sort of implied promise or maybe even explicit promise is you're going to then be licensed like the person, his wife is working with now to also train other people, it's a pyramid scheme. Essentially it's almost like a fancy of of self help, but a lot of times and people join these train the train or things they keep it on the locusts, embarrassing lecture might not say I'm a little unhappy in my career. I want to try this life coach things. I've gotten a lot of my weekly gouging. It cost twenty grand for me to get certified cause. That's
well you're gonna change careers. But if you just like I, like my coaching, let me do the advanced thing and then she goes through it and later on she's like so. I did this and I'm thinking about changing career because it was amazing and I'm certified now that so I would find out if there's thing else going on in here, because it is very common for coaches to sell high ticket items in the way they justify a high ticket prices. They say: you're gonna make like five times this in the first year of full time, coaching, which is just nonsense, because you need to find clients which is really really hard, you can reach us Friday at Jordan, harbinger dot com. Please keep your emails, concise, use, a descriptive subject line that makes Caesar on us include the state and country that you're in that will help us give you more detailed advice if there's something you're going through any big decision year, wrestling with or meaning a new perspective on stuff, like life love work, whether to report your unstable colleague, whatever's got you staying up at night. Lily had us up
Friday at Jordan. The harbinger dot com we're here to help and we keep every single email. Anonymous are at next up: hey, Jordan, a game. I was a teacher of about fifteen years until I left the classroom to become an instructional coach which led to six years in administration suffering from compassion fatigue and exhaustion. I made the difficult decision to leave my role as principle. to return to the classroom, all in the middle of a pandemic? Now, in my second year as a classroom teacher, I am struggling to not hate my job and resent my retired from teaching husband, my husband dropped to part time at the end of his career, do distress and then fully retired this year he struggles with stress and exciting, so is not really able to support,
me as a sounding board. Teaching was always my love, but now I've lost my love for the job and its super hard to keep up. I hate to blame the kids, but they are definitely different from the ones. Fifteen years ago, students, parents, the community, the administration there far more demanding far more entitle than ever before. The problem is I'm stuck as I have three more years before I'm able to retire. I dont know how to survive the next three years. How do I stand a job that I do not love or even like all that much signed stuck in home room. This is rough I feel, for you hear my mom was a public school teacher, a special ed teacher. for many years so I know sort of first hand slashed second hand. I guess how tough this job can be, gave it so interesting how she thinks the kids in parents are worse now than the ones fifteen years ago, I feel like probably true just based on those those like school district, meaning are those board meetings, whatever you see on Youtube or parents are screaming and like three,
doing things at school board members about like masks or curricula not including or including evolution whatever it is like. It is always nonsense, but made it really is true across the board teachers haven't hard man. They have to deal with so much crap. On top of the super important job of it. I like actually educating our kids. My heart goes off to all of you anyway, you're stuck in the classroom. You dont know how you're gonna get through the next three years. I assume you have a engine coming after that which that is probably a good reason to just stick it out. At this point, it's kind of what most teachers are working toward, but maybe things are so bad that them he isn't even enough to make you feel like you make it so if you're gonna get through the next three years without slapping a forthright, you're shouldn't, have to invest in other parts of your life and not the you're, not when this already, but first you really do need to have a rich life outside of the classroom where you can decompress and channel this frustration
saw strain and healthier ways. I would find a hobby tennis, gardening, friggin MAC remain whatever. That, even is I've heard of it, but I don't really know what its braiding things. I thank you in who doesn't love braiding things find the peace you're looking for in the classroom in your own life. Do you not this rise? We have gave member that federal Jim was like I have five more years, and my life is meaningless said just do the same crab everyday, nothing and work on is important, and we told the fine meaning outside the federal building like volunteer a bunch and make your jobs or your second everything. This is sort of similar. I would also make a conscious effort to invest in your close relationships. You know a few good friends, maybe even a fellow teacher or to your husband, who you said your kind of act wits end with, but it's not
from the sound of it is what we do have to talk about your husband for a moment. He said he's not really able to support you or be a sounding board due to his own stress. I have to think that's making this situation harder. If I were you, I would try opening up to him about what it's like to be going through this without his support what you could use from him to get through the next few years, but also maybe what you could be doing for him what he wants from your marriage. You know you stressed, is anxious your disillusioned and burned out. It sounds like there's a bit of a gulf between you two these days and you guys would both benefit from talking from listening to each other. Coming back together, we could probably talk about your marriage for forty five minutes here, but I'll just leave it. There invest in your primary support system that
going to be huge, it's also possible that your time in the classroom won't get much better and, let's be honest, you can't fix all these kids. You can't tell their parents to be kind. You can't change the environment and the system and the world their raised in all you can do and you can control- is how you respond to it. How much you let that toxicity effect you, how much responsibility and compassion you realistically can take on its possible that you need stronger boundaries to get through them, few years, the most important boundary being. I will not let this crazy environment dragged me down or make me miserable or keep me up at nights, doing in resentment I'll just be the best teacher. I can be that's all. I can do also key perspective, I know three years sound. A long ass time, but it really isn't that long is miss.
Suppose you are now you will be thrilled when you can return. And maybe you can start thinking about how you want to spend your retirement and start working towards that now. I bet that I'll help you cope with the craziness. If you want to do bike tours by the bike Our training now grab that Palatine whatever, if you want to do in classes in Palermo, ITALY, fire up friggin, do a lingo or email me all refer you to the italian teacher start doing Italian for an hour a day. By the way, I'm not learning Italian, I don't need. I know people that that sounded confusing. I know language teachers get good companies, but I can refer any It's a pretty much any language. If you want a garden start reading up on different plans and soils or whenever you needed I'll, just develop that green them whatever it is. I wouldn't wait for your retirement for the fund to begin just start planting the seeds, maybe literally
If you go with gardening, I think you'll find the relief you want so badly. It's actually accessible to you in some form. Right now. You just have to make the effort to seek it out, and I bet it'll be a lot easier to survive a classroom full of screaming kids and conferences and de bag parents. If you just know that you're gonna go home to a life that you're actually excited about, to start. Focusing on that and good luck, and also if I were a teacher, I would cut a bitch, so I understand we ought to come with IRAN, a kind of like a hive. I have seen and heard So many horror stories from my mom- and this is like the nineties in its definitely worse now, I've understand you. I understand that this is like people are at their wits end and don't want to do it and want to get out and care way. I feel you so were witness were suddenly good thoughts and hugs here from cat.
of one you by the way, if your joining us for the first time- or you want to tell your friends about the show we ve got the episode starter packs. These starter packs their collections of your favorite episodes organised by topic the whole new laws there's get a taste of everything that we do here on the show: gotTA, Jordan, harbinger dot com, slash start to get started and we got Spotify playlists in there as well all right, what's next Jordan gave me twenty one year old college student and my grandpa passed away last year, which led my dad to inherit around two hundred fifty thousand dollars is death then cause my dad to slip back into alcoholism, which also led him to pass away earlier this year. It was a surprise and a huge blow, as we had gotten quite close since he sober up a few years ago, unexpectedly passing led me to inherit most of the inheritance that he had just inherited. I've been struggling with guilt about receiving this money, my dad only outer for four months and
but really earned any of it. All of this has led my husband in me to have conversations that I never thought would come up so soon, for example, if and how we would help family or friends without enabling them, as I have seen happen, quite a bit and family growing up. I always thought that if I were financially stable, I would be quick to assist anybody. I could, but now I find myself being stingy with the money not wanting to touch it until I get older and living a pretty modest lifestyle, I realise the money can be spent very quickly. If it's not used correctly, I am open to investing it or using it to start aside thing like an urban be or a rental property. My husband is an accountant and has been very supportive throughout the grief and the probate process, but he's much more open to giving it away in helping people, especially as family. Am I wrong for wanting to use the money to create multiple streams of income, so we are able to help people more confidently.
future or am I being to protective and stingy with the money signed, worrisome windfall LAO well, this is a pretty wild turn of events. I'm so sorry that you lost your grandfather and your father, especially your dad do that alcohol, isn't that is incredibly sad and sudden, you're, obviously very fort suddenly have this money, and I think you know that, but some really tragic things happen. for it to come your way and that always that always suck suggest does. But here we are have an amazing trunk, a change to work with, and your asking a really great question. So, let's get into it first of all that guilt that you feel I totally get it it's true, you didn't do anything to earn this money. traditional sense, you might always veal conflicted about that. But the best thing you can do, the
Anything you can do really is except the absurdity of coming into such a large amount of money and make a promise to yourself that you'll use it responsibly. I think that's how you can sort of earnest so to speak by becoming a good steward of this gift, which I know you want to do now. I have to say, I think your approach to this money is right, this is what I would probably be doing with it to just being conservative. If you put this quarter million into a rental property or in investment portfolio or a college fund or a reliable side, business, no life, coaching or any sort of some. long term asset you'll be setting yourself up nicely, that's good! That's the prudent thing to do. You won't regret being careful with this money now, rather than thinking it into like a crazy kitchen, Renault or spending and unclose in a car and stuff like that, but those are I values. That's. What I think is important nice things are fine, but they dont me
is much to me as creating meaningful experiences and investing in my future security and stability. Ok and look, it is nice to help Europe and family if they need it and if they deserve it, but you are right when you into money? A lot of people might start hitting you up and that can easily Tipp over into enabling. Like seen happen in your own family. If your uncle wants you to bail amount, because you spend all of his money at the friction dog track or your cousin, whose honour ninth careers like suddenly, I want to be a private investigator I'd like whatever our she wants. You go get a coach to fix a bronze. I don't think it's on. reasonable. To say sorry, I can't subsidize this. I need take care of my family and pay for education for my kids or whatever, but if you're The law needs like ten grand to pay for need surgery, so she can walk again. That's a very different story, obviously, and that's worth considering. You'll have to make these calls for yourself, which let us acknowledge. That is definitely a weird position for you to the end.
No doubt about it and part of you. Stepping into this new reality is making peace with the fact that you have to make some potentially difficult decisions, sometimes and you might not make everybody happy all the time, but anyway My point is, I dont think any of this makes you stingy idle. I think it makes you responsible the fact that you didn't go straight to the dealer and snatch up like a miser, Roddy or whatever. That says a lot about you, I'm happy here that in your right, this money can disappear really quickly. If you dont use it wisely, fair or not, earned or honour- and this is your money and you get to do what you want with it. So that's my advice. Be smart Bethought, full think long term and know that it's ok to use this money primarily for you in your family. That's why it was given to you and not to other people. The hardest part will probably be the disagreement. Your husband about what to do with the money you guys will have to have some hard to hearts about
The money means to you what your goals are. As a couple, what your priorities should be and you need to get on that same page since you're married, I assume that the money belongs to both of you legally and practically so. You'll have to sort of well you'll have to sort that out and if you guys are totally divided about what to do with it, Maybe you compromise, maybe you take a fifth of it and you help his family and the rest. You put into an air can be property or an IRA? That would be one way too both of your needs an take care of your loved ones, while also taking care of yourselves. I do want to say, can go. relations on ending up in this position, but that feels like the wrong word like yea, you to family members and clothes succession, and not great. What's the word for congratulation when you didn't do anything to earn something and it comes about through tragedy- I'd just enjoy it when you stumble into the situation like this. Not so much good luck. The only
think you can really do is make the most of it and be grateful. Your gratitude will make you appreciate the value of what you have have an that'll, usually lead you to the right decision and the right choice. Good luck, What is the great use of funds and or otherwise supporting the podcast by supporting the sponsors who make it possible we'll be right back This is the Jordan Harbinger Show, and this is Feedback Friday, we'll be right back this episode of sponsored in part by better help online therapy talk about better help. A lot on the show this month were discussing some of the stigma around mental health. Do not work. Until things are unbearable to go to therapy I'm guilty of a two, but I've come to learn that therapy. Is it will to utilise before things get worse, and it can help you avoid those lows. Better help is customized. Online therapy that offers videophone and even live chat sessions with your therapist. So you don't have see anyone on camera if you don't want to its much more affordable than in person therapy and you can be matched with a therapist in under forty eight hours
but to try and see way over two million people have used better help on line therapy for ten percent off your first month visit better help, dot com, slashed Jordan, that's better hd lp that concept, Jordan and Joint over two million people have taken charge of that mental health with the help of an experienced professional. This episode is also sponsored in part by fruit of the loom when it comes to appear Kids need to fit this design to fit a kid. That's white fruit of the loom they thoughtfully make and specifically tailor their clothes and underwear to ensure they can deliver a great fit, the kids of all shapes and sizes sure they could just make small dozens of their adult styles, but kids in adults just aren't built the same. That's why only fruit of the loom can offer the best fit guarantee whether you're lookin for underwear, tease, sweatshirts or sweat, pants, furtive, loom the variety of styles and fabrics to fit all your kids apparel wants and needs. No matter the kid, no matter the cut furtive loom offers the best fit guaranteed check out. First,
looms: kids, underwear, enclosed at fruit dot com. This episode is also sponsored in part by glenfern EC lymphatic breaks from a single malt. Scotch whisky Norman helps redefine what it means to be rich. It's easy to get bogged down in material success. The currency of the new rich, is getting more time and enjoyment out of what you ve already got. This is one of the last feedback. it is of the year, and you know I look at the things that I have and that I have a clue- or do I gotta anew. phone recently or something it and that's cool, but you know, what's really cools being able to help people, all the time. I would gladly use Motorola Razor Hashtag, throw back if I had to in order to keep helping people on episodes like Feedback Friday. It's really one of the biggest pieces of joy that I take out of my years, looking back at all of these insane problems that we have held people with this is what I find truly valuable, and I think most of us are like that. We just get kind of distracted by materials
says in a lot of ways it it's really unhealthy and is something that can really start to take control of our lives, and so I am grateful for you writing in I'm grateful for a hearing, your crazy stories and helping you out with your crazy problems or not so crazy problems and am grateful. The Glen fitted for making episodes like this possible skilfully crafted enjoy responsibly Glenn Thick twenty twenty one imported by William Grant insane in New York, New York and now for the conclusion of feedback Friday are next up, goes on the office manager and big picture person at a very busy therapy practice. My boss is a hugely talented
and insightful psychologist whose well respected in our area, not only for her elucidating assessments, but also for the time she gives families and their support teams. So they understand the diagnoses that she's giving in her pricing. We build in a thirty minute post assessment consult. However, the amount of time she spends working with families far exceeds that sometimes upwards of fifteen to twenty hours, more all for free, some families. Just ask and ask and sugar on giving her product being her expertise, she's an angel, but it never leads to more referrals and it doesn't make happy or build her brand in the way that she wants I'd like to help her examined this tendency and establish clear boundaries as she expresses distress at the amount of time she's giving away what you're take on this as master relationship, builders, Wenders, consulting turn. To giving away the milk for free, signed finding the IRA. Why, when the wells running Drive, this is a great question as
No, I talk all the time about investing and other people not having an immediate expectation of return not being attached to a return, because that really is the way to build a meaningful relationships. It's also in mind Durant anyway. One of the best ways to be happy weather is at work or in your personal life being generous as a matter of policy. It just makes life more interesting and more fulfilling. So I guess in that way it's also kind of selfish, but those There's a copy to that principle and the coffee is to be generous up until the point where it. Compromising your own security or your own happiness. If helping other people is putting you out put new at serious risk, By that I mean it's causing you to neglect your own needs. Are you lose a bunch of money or bunch asleep, or you sacrifice your health? Then it's time to reassess how much you're giving away to other people. You still have to take care of yourself. You can't abandoned yourself in the process of serving other people,
now it's not clear whether your boss is actually suffering because of all this free work she's giving away. But you did say it doesn't make her happy. She's distressed, so that might be assigned it's time to recalibrate here. The other colleagues too, being super generous, is that you still have to be generous with the right people in the right ways. So, if you're giving way a ton of time and expertise to people who just don't even initiate it or they don't even use it. There's nothing meaningful done with it. They don't reciprocate in some form over the long term. Ever then, it's possible resting in the wrong people that's more of a global thought for everyone listening right now, not so much only for your boss, she's a doctor. These are her patients. The terms of that relationship are very specific, but yes, you're absolutely right. Your boss does need to look at this tendency if she's, giving way fifteen to twenty hours of consultation to each family for free that does seem excessive.
Said she's an angel which is a great quality, given that she's there to take care of people, but I do wonder if Being an angel is another way of saying a real people: pleaser who doesn't have boundaries, maybe she's Fraid of letting people down by saying. I'm sorry, but I, for thirty minutes of consultation and after that you'll have to book. Another appointment- and I might be reaching here but You'Ll- have to decide if there's some truth, it is, is it possible that she's giving away her time and expertise as a way to feel needed or valued or to be seen a certain way by her patience, and if any of that is true, it would be great if you could ask her why she feels compelled to give away so much time to her patience. What's making it so hard for her to put her foot down. Why does she feel drawn to being so involved with her patients? Families she's, the psychologist, she's trained to understand the importance of boundaries
they allow for the right kind of care how they help protect the clinician. So she should be willing to look at this and if you can help her see that giving away so much free work isn't just making her unhappy. But it's also now, serving her practice since it's not leading to more referrals or building her brand you might get, we see this in it hopefully new way, which would be such a great gift for her as a condition, because I'm getting the sense that she so wrapped up in this way of doing business that she can't even see this clearly. But if she is determined to keep giving away this much free consultation to people, then I wonder if there might be ways to make that investment more valuable for you guys. So, for example, what if you helped your boss turn these consultations, that she's doing into case studies, and then you could post those case. Studies on the website, so new patients who are considering her practice can see the kind of work she does
she approaches? Are patients how involved she is with her patience? What kind of result she gets? That would be a nice way to pay this off or here's another idea. If your boss wants to publish some articles in psychology, magazines or journals, or maybe she wants to write a book- maybe she could draw on some of these consultations for material for the book or for the article or she could follow up with the families should consult with after month after two months, maybe six months out how they're doing if they need anything and maybe just throw in their hey, would you Leaving me review online. That would be a huge benefit to the business point is whatever you decide to do I would think about how to translate this woman's incredible carer into something more tangible for the business. I think that's completely fair,
her. Patients probably are going to do that on their own and look to be fair. It's probably not on them to find ways to pay back because his during pointed out they are patients, so the relationship has pretty fixed terms, but it is on you, as the big picture person, the strategy person here to get creative. So I would work with your boss to figure out what aspects of her brand she actually does want to build, how she could actually get more referrals out of this work and then work backward to connect the dots between the free work that she's doing and the benefits she wants to see. All of that said, though, your boss definitely needs to look at those boundaries, there's obviously nothing wrong with being a compassionate, generous doctor. I was there more of them out there, but if she's, giving away dozens and dozens of ours and not getting anything in return and she's miserable, then yeah. I do think that's a sign that something needs to change in the way the EU can approach that conversation with her is you know you could say something like. I see you giving away so much of your time. I know how much you care about your patience. I get that this is coming from a really good place, but
I know that you are not happy, you not happy as a person, you're not satisfied as a clinician. So let's forget this. I have some ideas about how we can make us more sustainable for you how we can generates more value for the practice, but we should also talk about how much time you can really afford to give away, and then you can be your partner and you can be your friend and you can help or look at some of this stuff more closely. Yeah great point gave, I think, The answer is a combination of both setting stronger boundaries, but also maximizing the value of her generosity, which is what all great relationship builders do, no matter what industry therein their deliberate even while there being thoughtful. If you can help your boss get there, I think you guys will find a way to be generous with out, giving the milk away for free to the point of exhaustion. Good luck, this documentary, the weakest to you as well, by fruit of the loom instead of another ugly. But our show me care with underwear from further the loom now this documentary behalf.
in the curve on Netflix is so it's funny slash, tragic and sad right, it's about flat, Arthur's and sort of lets them. Gives them enough rope to hang themselves with now. I know that some of you believe the earth is flat because I hear from you in my inbox: you're not gonna, like this documentary, but the people who believed that the earth is round, and I think that's probably the majority of you are going to enjoy. Documentary Will Lincoln and shone out. It's called behind the curve. It shows the culture of flattery, why people are interested in it and it really shows that even their own experiments trying to prove the earth is flat for some reason they keep proving the earth is round go figure thanks to further the loom for sponsoring the documentary of the week. Hope you enjoy that. I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week, and everyone who listened go back and check out Spencer birds and met a world peace if you haven't yet by the way. I know it is that a relationship building thing- and it would be remiss if I didn't plug our free course- six minutes. Networking system, software, tiny habits, all stuff I used to create,
maintain relationships. It's a free course there's no bs up cells, not yet anyway. It's at Jordan, harbinger dot com, slash course right there on the think effect platform, a link to the show notes for this so it can be found at Jordan, harbinger dot com transcripts or in the show notes as well, I'm at Jordan, Harbinger on Twitter and Instagram. You can also hit me on Linkedin you can find gave on Twitter at gave Ms Raw he or on Instagram at Gabriel, misery. I hate the show is created in association with POD cast one. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jason Sanderson, Robert Foger DE unbared million Campo Josh Bell and, of course, Gabriel, MS raw heat. Our advice in opinions are our own. I am a lawyer, but I am a terrible lawyer and am also not your lawyer to do your own region before implementing anything you here on the show. Remember we rise by lifting others show show with those you love. If you found this episode useful, please share it with somebody else who can use the advice that we gave here today in the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen and we'll see you next time
If you're looking for another episode of the Jordan Harbinger show to sink your teeth into. I wanted to give you a preview of one of my favorite stories from an earlier episode of the show, Megan Phelps Roper she's, belong to one of the most hateful religious cults in America, the Westboro Baptist church. She was born into this and she later escaped to hear her. Tell the story. First and it's really incredible, I sort of protesting when I was five years old, but even that first ticket there was a silence, Gaze are worthy of death, so gaudy attacks is what was brows message that we became known for. We were the good guys and everyone outside the church,
evil and going to Hell, and we had the only message that would bring the world any hope we had to go and warn people these terrible things are happening, and if you want this pain to sob, then you have to change, because God isn't going to change after September eleven attacks. We had to sign the said, thank God for September eleven. What were we thinking? This massive crowd comes down. We were at this corner of this intersection of these three streets by the time they actually reached us were just enraged? There was no space between us and them think I really dicey. One of my cousins gave his signs to somebody else, and I started standing on top of attraction.
And pretending like he wasn't with us. They were again incredibly intense because obviously the circumstances are so sobering. It brings me incredible sadness to think about now. I can't do this forever, my family, for they would refuse to have any contact with me at all. Once I laugh somebody that we had confided in sent a letter to my parents and told them that we are planning to leave and then then email came in Can we left for more with Megan, including the details of her harrowing experience and escape check out episode, three zero of the Jordan Harbinger show. This episode is also sponsored in part by life, lock, the holiday season of Having is also a holiday season of taking for cybercriminals looking to cash in some tips to help you stay safe, while holiday shopping.
Include only visiting secure sites and acts from retailers that you trust, not, though shady ones. If the advertised online use of e p m instead of public wifi, create strong passwords, don't we use the same frickin one for every site, check your bank and credit records for fraud every day we put our information at risk on the internet, and in Instant, a cyber criminal could steal. What's yours sometimes even harm your finances, your credit and your reputation, good thing, there's lifelong lifelike helps detective.
Transcript generated on 2022-02-27.