The tenant renting your upstairs room has become so paranoid and delusional that you and your spouse no longer feel safe in your own home. On top of this, he has no job, no car, and he's behind on the rent. You don't want to be the heartless landlord who evicts someone so clearly in need of help, but you also don't want to wait until his erratic outbursts become violently directed toward you or your wife. So what's the right thing to do here? We'll try to find answers to this and more on this, our first Feedback Friday of the new year!
And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at email@example.com. Now let's dive in!
Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/609
On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
- How do you evict the mentally unstable boarder who makes you feel unsafe in your own house without also being heartless? [Thanks to attorney Corbin Payne for helping us field this one!]
- With a desire to "fix" the problems of others where you find them, you seem to get romantically involved with a lot of emotionally dysfunctional narcissists. What can you do to break this lamentable pattern? [Thanks to clinical psychologist Dr. Erin Margolis for helping us with this one!]
- In conversation, you often find yourself thinking of something to say before the other person has finished talking. And when it is your chance to speak, you're painfully aware that you're speaking too much. How do you strike a better balance of active listening and speaking succinctly?
- In your senior year of high school, you're hopelessly overwhelmed. If you crush one deadline, another one looms nearby to crush your spirit. Your willpower is low, you're neglecting basic self-care, and procrastination is always more appealing than productivity. Do you truly need a break, or are you just being lazy?
- As an underling ascending the corporate ladder, you found certain aspects of company culture a bit cringy and borderline cult-like. Now that you've started your own business, you want to create a company culture that builds rapport and teamwork while avoiding these pitfalls. But how?
- Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org!
- Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.
- Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Welcome to feedback Friday on your host, Jordan,
urban sure? As always, I'm here with feedback Friday producer the booster to my dose of this lifesaving advice vaccine,
Israel is right on the Jordan
Avengers show it echoed the stories, secrets and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to. Him
your own life and those around you're gonna, get email about know it already about the fact that a hoax about that
throw its we're gonna get some crazy. I've got some crazy recently, Stoa Brewster still booster. We want to help you see them.
tricks when it comes to how these amazing people on the show Thinkin behave our mission,
is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinkers
the deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what is really happening, even
inside your own mind. Now, if you are new to the show on Fridays, we give
I see you and answer listener questions the rest of the week. We have long form interviews
conversations with a variety of really frankly, amazing folks, from athletes to authors. Spies to see owes thinkers to performers went some fantastic episodes this week,
We talked with NBA superstar Dwayne Wade, especially really, but anything
other than basketball, which is really fascinating parent.
role, models. Leadership, go figure is a lot more complex than what you see on tv. I really enjoyed this conversation. I think you will as well. Even if you don't have kids any don't care about basketball wheels,
one that recorded several years ago from the vault with Jacko willing, really popular
so a lot about leadership. A little bit about Vi
once in there. I just found this conversation really fascinating worth remembering and rearing. So let me know what you think of these episodes once you ve had a chance to listen and gave it want to start offices
I can't believe I remembered this literally happen. I mean, maybe
ten years ago now, eight to ten years,
I was walking through Hollywood. I used to live on Hollywood Boulevard, which is his actually kind of a crappy area, believe it or not the stuff
the work of fame is disgusting by parliament
I remember that was a very specific phase of Jordan Harbinger. It was yet in it lasted, wait too long as pry there for three or four years, but I was
walking along right out near my apartment. Someone goes YO
Dave Navarro, and it was like this kind. I, whatever like a rough
can do them like I'm Magna acknowledges
David of, if you don't know who that is, he's a rockstar he's super famous in the United States anyway
I showed that off none. I walk a few more blocks.
and literally like a guy panhandling homeless, guys,
on the ground. Is why Bro
Dave Navarro, and I said over my shoulder, I said Scrooge
They ve Navarro are not David of our work, as I was just cut it I'd had at their pride. I haven't a good day to you. Look like them. I don't think I look
David of our oh. No, I don't think I do and then a voice behind me goes.
Think he's talking about me. Man and I turn around in. There was Dave Navarro
that was a little embarrassing, but the to take away here is a man.
Not every things about you. In fact. Usually stuff is not about you. You just think it is, and what our what's that Gabriel? What's I'd like cognitive vice, always forget this? Is it the spotlight affairs spotlight Acta? It's, like you think of
Thank you think it's always about you and you think everybody's looking at what you're doing, but really everybody thinks that so everybody has focused on themselves and nobody's paying attention to you right. Yes, my friends,
and father. Whenever I retailers, I say my grandfather, but it wasn't my grandmother, my friends, grandfather and my grandfather. As far as your concern filled me, one thing
a long time ago- and he said he I spent the first.
Thirty years of my life worried
Everyone was thinking about me and then I spent the next.
Thirty years of my life
caring. What anybody thought about me and now I'm in the final thirty years of my life- and I realize nobody was ever think about me
and its true better
I've, been thinking about that income into that realisation of aged sixty instead of right now, right now now you know my question is what was given up
doing behind you for so many box, and it was he like just five following you,
he was just trying to get my autograph now he was walking down the Hall of Fame, probably to go to his dealer
on the whole, the who walks on. If you don't live on Hollywood Boulevard, what are you doing there? It's dangerous get off the boulevard. It's like tourists, as you wanna go the Wax museum in people looking for drugs. That said, I feel it David
I can afford a lift, yeah well met. This is sort of almost pre goober Pre laboratory left them. Ok, maybe it after I think the guy had a bikers,
anyway. We heard we talk about this on the show before probably a few months back, but I wanted to highlight this once again. I got an online trainer and I was highly sceptical of online fitness training, but about six seven months,
go through some business connections. I decided to give online trade
you shot. This has turned.
entire life around in such a good way. You know, like I said I was skeptical of online train. This has really delivered I more flexible
I can play on the floor with my son, a bunch I can run around town. I can lift heavy things. I don't
back pain. I fix some knee and hip issues that were starting to come up with turned out
because of an imbalance, I feel much help.
dear. I look better. I mean it's just like really just flogged everything around for me and I
we recommend anybody that's been like. Maybe I should get in shape its not just about losing weight. It's about getting stronger, functional fitness. You know if you spoke
what are the jam or a year work out there, half assed get a trainer, I'm telling you this company is called work out double
You are a k o you t dot com, w r k o you t dot, com, usually
get a free trial. But I love this company so now, if you tell him that I sent you, you'll get your first three sessions free and twenty percent off your first training package
and highly recommended w our k, o you t dot com. Tell my sent you get a few free training sessions that w our Kay,
Oh you t work out without the first. Oh anyway gave what's the first thing out of the mail bag. Hey Jordan
my wife and I are in our early twenties and living in our own house, where we rent the top floor to forty seven year old, six foot, five, three hundred pound man and his ten year old daughter. Over the past few months. The tenant has become more and more apparent
he's been read: stumping and yelling all day and night about hackers and microwave beam, arrays in the walls and floors. Slowly following him and burning I'm alive, that's a direct quote. He also believes the house's slowly killing him with its dryness and negative energy. My wife and I have both begged him to get help, but he thinks we and the neighbours are the ones doing all of us to him. He even admits that he is physically unable to stop yelling, which makes our lives are living nightmare recently.
He had a complete meltdown, accusing my wife of hacking, his daughters, Iphone after I had just factory reset it. He pounded on that
until my wife crying and petrified opened it to find him, throwing his daughters Iphone on the floor and then screaming at her that I'm the victim, not you stop crying and I'm the one whose life is being ruined. When I got home, we talked with him and he seemed to understand that we are genuinely innocent. Then the next day he confronted us again about the hacking. So I had to look at his phone and found that it was just him in putting his password wrong and changing stuff around in the settings. So, finally, we got the police involved. They talked with him and afterwards confirmed our suspicion that he has some sort of disorder like schizophrenia, but there's nothing they can do until he physically threatens himself or others. Last month, I had given him a two month notice that we plan to use the entire
us and to no longer went out the room, but I don't believe you will ever move out. He has no job no car and he's even behind on the rent. It will take at least a year for the landlord and a tenant board legal system to catch up, or even consider our case due to cover it. We ve considered
stalling a camera in the hallway when he inevitably gets violin or breaks into our unit, but he thinks everything will get hacked and a super paranoid about being watched. He even took the
you're alarm down in the hallway, since he thought it might have a camera in it, the only
no, I have is to offer him money to look for a new place. Some friends and family have suggested calling child services, but I feel this option would definitely calls him to become violent. My wife in our petrified and have been unable to sleep for the past,
weeks, and now it's really impairing our ability to work. So what other options do we have? What would you do signed fighting the monster over the bed? Ok
is a nightmare nightmare. My nightmare specifically living in the same house with a severely lions
able person whose litter,
he terrorizing me and my family and then refuses to get help. On the other hand, right at super sad for him, for you guys for his daughter
especially somehow, I'm so sorry. This is happening to you, but more important
I'm worried about you guys something has to change. So, let's get into it. Since
lot of your question hinges on the law. We decided to talk to an expert. Of course. We consulted with carbon pain, a k, Av Oracle of Knoxville, defends, attorney and
friend of the show in the first place court
went was how can they get evidence of what,
Sky is doing before they go to court, and that's where my mind went as well as a is worse lawyer, ever even I thought of this. The police reports are helpful, but going
forward. Carbon said it would be extremely helpful to get some audio or video of the guys ranting raving the threatening he said this has been
critical in landlord tenant cases, because you don't want to get into a he said we said situation
currently a ton of landlords. Surprise, surprise will just say whatever it takes to get a tenant.
evicted because they want amount and judges have seen it all before. So you really
Wanna come in ready to show the judge, just a small taste of the night,
That has been your life these past few months. Now I know,
that's hard, because the guy won't put up.
any kind of monitoring. I imagine, or just gonna put up a few-
Ambrose, but don't worry, we're, definitely not hacking. You and your enemy of the state. Paranoid fantasy is totally totally just
apparently fantasy, but just a few more ring cams in the common areas, please, so you do have to get clever. First of all, when he's talking to you
your phone in your shirt pocket recording already every time you have a conversation with them. Even if it's not
video camera you're, just sort of like back at us
but the audio recording or and or you install a super discreet
and in the hallway, while he's out of the house, of course, or you set up like a Teddy bear
slash nanny, cam and the common area, and you only talk
to him there so that you can record it do so
going on home surveillance, figure out what
options. You have that won't trigger this dude paranoia hard evidence could be a game changer, and the Good NEWS is carbon said that there is
probably a quick, a remedy to this than you think, if you're willing to take a loss online,
steers ran? Did I know that's hard to stomach, but hear me out here you can likely
this guy removed, because he's made himself a nuisance and he's breaking the law peace around.
an you he's engaging in essentially aggressive assault of behaviour,
pending on your state, those ground
can allow you to expedite his removal. The only snag is that the law tends to be ready, specific and largely inflection
in what you can do as the landlord and what you have to do to successfully give him the boot over. These behaviors Corbett also said that the idea of
bring him some financial incentives to relocate. It's not a bad idea, but you might want to double check
if that's even legal in your state, there's coercion and
If you don't want to go over the line here, carbon mentioned that some states that once had rent controls now have outlawed.
Practice because of the power imbalance between landlord and tenant, yadda yadda, so
Do your homework and make sure you're not breaking the law yourself there, because the last thing you want is then to be dragged through the mud over this just try to protect yourself.
Corbians over all take is that this is why
Those areas where you may slash probably will have to retain.
Turning and I know that cost can be off putting, but carbon said you might be so
raised at the cost of hiring an attorney, pleasantly surprised. I should add four evicting a bad
there's a lot less work involved in a case like this then say going after,
the guy for back owed, rent or something like that. That's always tricky. This is a little bit less complex. Also the influx.
Post covert, landlord tenant cases has bogged down the system, as you noted, but according to carbon, it's also left the judicial
Mary so like judges and things like that, just exasperated with bad actors in these cases,
it is a bad actor right. If you have to get in front of a judge, he said that the facts, if your case could really cut in your favour,
especially if you have airtight evidence of this guy's behavior, I mean, if you show up in your like hears him freaking out and-
making my wife cry and saying that there is
laser beams and the walls, and then he says I'm gonna come after you. If you keep hacking me not a whole lot of wiggle room there for him to be like hey, you know their treating me unfairly, I mean he is mentally ill and while it true
because that is you, don't you have to put up with it carbon maiden,
The good point, which is that this guy probably doesn't even have the wherewithal to hire an attorney, and if he does, he probably run his attorney off pretty damn quick. So if you're up against a pro say, defendant, meaning a defence whose rubber
bending himself. That also entails a lot less work. Generally then, somebody who died,
have an attorney which could even
magically lower the costs of this case, but if you're, not,
ready to hire an attorney. Most states also have nonprofits that provide legal,
I didn T landlords, which is interesting and probably long overdue. They'll have the forum
then the instructions on the timelines and the time limits and all that so maybe start there and see what you can find.
The big question for me, though, as I know, I went over some legal stuff here, but the big question that the real issue- that's just sort of in the back of my mind here or in front of my mind: do they report this guy to child welfare, Slash Cps, because aid is
clear that somebody mentally unstable and potentially violent, he is
little girl, trapped in the house with him. Yeah that is terrifying today
about, and we actually did some homework about that and you can absolutely report apparent whose struggling with mental illness. If- and this is an important if you believe their child is being abused or neglected,
welcome to report them either way, but if a child is being abused or neglected, then child welfare can step in it's not exactly clear from your letter, if that's the case, but I think it's safe to say Jordan, that this guy's daughter, she's not grown up in the healthiest environment right and that's kind of understating it and not to be alarmist or whatever. But who knows
sky, who thinks that frayed laser beams and desiccation are slowly killing him. I mean I don't mean to laugh at Super saver
but it's absurd, while no one likes a dry apartment either. I do I'm with him on that and with them on the directives, but it's also
it's a little the faculty, if you ve, ever seen them every group. So if that has concerned about all of that stuff that doesn't exist. Who knows what he's doing to his daughter behind closed doors? Even if he's not physically hurting her? I have to imagine that the psychological damage of apparent like that is very real. So, yes, reporting him to desire for an agency like that could be a good option, but you have to be prepared for the consequences and the obvious consequence, which you already met.
Send is that a visit from child welfare could have really antagonize. This guy maybe drive him to get even more violent with you, which is just terrified to think about if they remove him from the house that same day, though, then you'll probably be okay, but that's not guaranteed, and you know he could always come back later. I mean I'm just thinking about what this guy is capable of very impulsive out of
role, can sense or himself you are dealing with a highly paranoid, highly aggressive personality. So just take that into account yet Andy's huge right. Six. Five three hundred pounds like this is a guy who can do is cool laid man, your door in if you wanted to do not tackle in the sky and the front lot now, the other consequence, and maybe the harder one to come to terms with, is what
happened to this ten year old girl? I mean in general, Deasey often the court's try to keep families together unless there's a very good reason to separate them. But with apparent like this, it is possible,
She gets taken away from him until he's evaluated and he's medicated and has proven to be a fit parent, and then that could take. Who knows months, maybe longer so here's a question: do you know if this guy has any friends or famine
I mean, do you have their contact information. Do you know if they're in the area, because a if Deasey, F or the police did take this guy and then the d
Butter would ideally be sent to live with the next of kin. Hopefully, somebody close to them, which would be a relatively good outcome here, but also be if you're in touch with any of these family members, they might be able to help you talk this guy down come to the house may be convince him to get help before you have to escalate this. If that's an option, I would definitely try to do that first, so yeah. This is a very difficult choice to make a kind of breaks, my heart to think about this
in ten year old girl being taken away from her parent and put into some foster home somewhere? I mean we know, I'm in some fostering are great, but some a lot of them very violent, very difficult, just unstable in general, that is traumatic stuff. So the question is: is it better than growing up with a father whose ranting and raving and doing God knows what to her
very hard to say, but maybe yeah. That really is the question, and that is definitely what you'll have to figure out, but in any event carbon agreed here it is critical to get this guy. Evicted
Yes, a we obviously have look. I've got compassion for someone like this. I know what like what sort of painting him in the negative light here, because of the way the letter came in and but I'm sure it's true,
fine for him as well as you guys, but this guy's behaviour is bad.
It's only going to get worse. This guy needs psychiatric.
air and his daughter she needs and deserves a safer parent. So carbons advice is to ask yourselves: what's the cost of having p
some quiet and knowing you'll be safe in your own home cause.
situation, Ya'Ll Eleven and right now. I think you know it's untenable or untenable, as the case may be, when I can resist so start. Making moves get the resources you need and, most importantly, please- stay safe,
This guy ever does threaten himself or you or your wife or his daughter. For that matter, don't even hesitate call them
Please immediately protect yourselves as much
can mentally physically. I really hope this is all over soon and has a positive resolution here. Send any good thoughts from Kel
cornea. Were you basically have to bring the entire
our house down to get evicted, but good luck of LEO
more reasonable state? You know who
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on the Jordan Harbinger, show all right. What's next
hello, Jordan and gave him a lady,
twenty is an currently single. Although I'm very picky, I tend to gravitate towards guys who are basically narcissists with emotional dysfunction and
big insecurity is literally all of my access look exactly the same, I'm assuming by bad. She means that they all have the same personality.
Jordan. Not yet they all looked like Danny to veto.
But our having a heavier strapping Danny Sir. I find myself looking for a case to solve
I unintentionally want to take the person under my wing like a mother hen and fix them. This is not what I want for myself. I want someone is confident and stable. I don't
If I myself have a problem, it's not like my life is empty, I'm in medical school and I'm about to take my first boards exam
with my family and I interact with them all the time. I only have a handful of friends, but I'm happy about my relationships with them. How do we even find the time to get entangled with wrong people now that I've recovered from the last toxic relationship, I'm open to meeting someone new? What's your advice for avoiding the wrong person, what are some red flags that I should watch out for signed
finding, Mr Right, while avoiding the blight. Well, I gotta say I love how opening clear you are about this pattern of yours, you ve kind of nailed it. I think a lot of people can relate. We wanted to talk to an expert about your question so,
turning to the one and only Doktor, Erin Margolis clinical psychologist friend of the show- and the first thing Doktor Margolis said, was that this pattern of yours
It doesn't have anything to do with how empty or full your life is. It has to do with you and how this pattern
functioning in your life? Her hunch is that there's, probably something that feels safe or familiar about this dynamic with the men you date, even if its unpaid
for example, maybe you saw this kind of caretaking and fixing in your parents relationship or maybe you received attention and love by being a caretaker too apparent or a sibling from a young age.
and that's the only way you've learned to start of the vet feel worthy in a relationship or maybe- and I thought this is an interesting hypothesis on Dr Margolis park. Maybe it feels safer to be the fixer
in the relationship and not the one who needs to be fixed because you don't have to
is vulnerable. It's pretty insightful, if that's true, obvious
You can't know for sure, but we'll let you figure out if any of these theories fit so doktor Margolis. His question was: what are you getting out of this template for your relationships? Does it make you feel good or may be safe to play, that caretaker role
Does it make you feel validated if someone who's emotionally and available needs, you is being with that kind of person. Tied up with your self worth
whoever is drawing you two guys like this: it's not about
whether you have a ton of time on your hands. It's about your history!
or relational models? Your conditioning, it takes two people to make a relationship work. It's now,
just that you're fighting men who are narcissistic toxic. Indeed, of saving it's there,
you're willing to tolerate any even participate in that pattern. That's the dynamic! So the first thing
I encourage you to do is find the origins. This is a pattern, that's repeating
and it's worth uncovering what that pattern is figuring.
Why and where it comes from. We also ass doktor Margolis about these red flags, which things to avoid in perspective partners and again her take was that it's not necessarily about looking for red flags and
other people, it's more about. Looking for these qualities were talking about in ourselves or in yourselves
you develop more awareness around your own pattern. There.
We'll be able to make a more conscious choice about which men to get involved with, rather than being, you know, yanked around by unconscious patterns and interpersonal habits to Doktor Margolis. His insight is that
sort of asking the wrong question here I mean sure we could tell you you know avoid
I guess you talk for more than twenty minutes nonstop without taken a breath or run away from due to dump their insecurities on you immediately on the first day, but in Doktor Margo
was his view as a bit of a fool's errand right. The more imports
thing to focus on is which behaviors trigger you and send you into your own pattern of MRS fix it right or MS fixed?
Of course, if somebody is abusive or violent or is doing the exact same thing, one of your difficult access is yeah, that's worth paying attention to, but outside of that I
focused more on you and less on them for the best advice we can offer you- and this is not to be much of a surprise, stew,
going to therapy, if you're not there. Already, that's really the only place to unpack the deep roots of a pattern like this, with a professional who's interested in getting to the
agents of this thing and if you're already in therapy Great just make sure you're talkin about the deep stuff attachment history old patterns childhood. The past basically is Doctor Margolis said to us in our council. You have to go back to go forward and look not every therapists take
that same approach. Different therapists might have different takes on that, but I'm with her on this my anew,
Our fight opinion is that she's right behind the insight,
and growth you're looking for,
lie in the roots of this pattern, not so much in what
other people are doing your wanting to look outwards. Hypothetical partners don't exist yet, but really you got
look inward and sort of fix your picker. If that makes sense- and I hope you get to do that- You'Re-
pretty halfway there in recognising this problematic pattern and the fact that it exists in wanting to rewrite it. That is a huge step forward now
it's just time to do the work. You got this all right. Next, up, hey Jordan! Again, I have a point
alone, where I talk way too much, I often catch myself and meetings and social situations and literally have to bite my lip to stop myself from talking. I am fully aware of the fact that if I'm talking about
earning I want to learn about and from others and don't get me wrong. I do listen a lot, but I often find myself thinking of something to say before the other person has even finish talking. The only thing I ll say my defence is that in situations where there are awkward silences, I feel obliged to speak up and help everyone relax, and I do always try to get others to join in I'm good at spotting when others want to speak but are interrupted or ignored, and I directly asked them for their input. So they have a chance to speak. I also volunteer for a crisis hotline to talk to people who are struggling with mental health, and I can listen for hours without talking too much as nothing on those calls is about me. But in my work and my personal life, I just can't shut up
do you have any tips for someone who wants to stop talking so much signed the loquacious labour? I mean you're asking me this. I'm somebody talks for eliminating. You know, I'm not the best person to give advice on this candidly by I have asked myself the same question. I'm always trying to find that balance between carrying a conversation and staying present enough to really listen. It's a skill like any other skill, and it starts
becoming aware of just how much you talk, which Europe,
but he doing, which is great, I'm gave there have been times
and I mean many of them like we're at a group dinner in I'll, be
walking in June, will say to me in Chinese you're talking to launch it just like under her breath, and am I oh and then I'll just Philip. What about you guys tell me about? What's going on in your life and she's, like Europe is really on fire and its its eye?
like I'm being entertaining, everyone smiling laughing and then she's like Yahoo. You need not be MR onstage. All that I'm just the moderates paying off it is. I get disciplined in multiple languages now at all times, because no one else understands
So your situation is interesting, though, because you clearly can listen when you want to look at the crisis Hotline and when,
do you talk a lot? It's not a narcissistic thing. It's not! You know cool story. Bro, let's get back to me. You just feel
obligated to carry the conversation, so everyone can relax. You try to get people to try men, you even notice
when people are ignored, you're like a white hat convoy.
Safe and dominate right. You might talk a lot, but your usually doing it in the service of something good. So I'm not
totally convinced that you need to do a complete one. Eighty here, I think it's more about.
calibrating the ratio of talking to listening one, easy
to do that is to catch yourself. In the moment. You feel the impulse to just go on and hit paws on. The next comment right then, and there catch herself wanting
talk again until yourself. Wait skip the next thing, make it about them and then ask the person a follow up question or follow their train of thought or pass the baton to somebody else at just stay, quiet and see what up
If the thing you are going to say turns out to be important, you can always say it later. If it wasn't it.
weren't, you won't even remember and overtime,
Your brain will start to learn what it thinks is urgent, usually isn't as urgent as it seems, and if you're like me, you're like I need to get this out before I forget, and then it's like you didn't, really need to get out and you can forget and its fine there's. No consequence, it's almost like it. I dont want to use the term.
the OECD, but its endeavours neurotic thing for me to be like. I have to say this here: it's not gonna happen and the answer is it: can it can just not happen? The other thing that this practice will do is keep you present in conversations, if you're really clicked into what somebody is saying, it's impossible to play
Your next comment in idea or a comment or a reaction, might flowed across your mind, but you won't be.
reviewing it and practising it like a transcript of the conversation in advance, and this is something I had learned with interviewing, because a lot of interviewers just know what they're gonna say next and they don't listen. They d
The next thing, and that that's an interview killer, it kills the flow to my main
piece of advice is to totally focused on the person in front of you. That is it. I know it's easier said than done, but let go of the need to control the com,
station. Just listen whatever you learn by putting all your attention on another person, that's where the conversation will go and that's where it should go.
You don't have to control every exchange. You can just follow the other person and together you guys, will create the converse,
station. In fact, the more you listen, the more other
People will want to talk. I'm sure you ve noticed this because more than anything
people love to be heard, and the less pressure you'll feel to prepare your next comment and be sort of a performer man that is so true Jordan's is that feeling of being in the presence of somebody was really really clicked and away you're saying yes,
so there's nothing better than I feeling, and it would be a relief for her to be able to put down that need to control conversations down for a little while and just be present with whoever she stopped.
Too, but you know what I'm wondering is really what's behind this impulse, not so much. I get the sense that she's really good and I mean really good at taking care of other people. You know making sure everybody feels included, making sure that their herds he's always looking out for me
for who are maybe on the outside of a meeting or who are being interrupted. I think it's coming from a really good place is working so hard to make sure that happens. It's incredibly thoughtful, she's, very attuned. I mean look:
she's, even volunteering at a crisis hotline on top of only ass, though she clearly cares about other people, but in
other way. I wonder if she's feeling a lot of anxiety about what would happen if she didn't direct these conversations like what would happen if there were an awkward silence and a meeting, and she and her colleagues just been upset there for ten or fifteen twenty seconds was just thinking about whatever the last person said without really be so
like what, if that silence were actually productive, I mean maybe in that silence somebody would have an unofficial.
That idea or somebody else would speak up or they would all just hang in the silence and appreciate the problem that are trying to solve. I think her fear of the awkward silence is very telling, because to her any silence at all is awkward
that's not the case and just that she hasn't allowed herself to find out what happens when she doesn't try to fill every single gap with more words. She doesn't it.
Her conversations might be even better if she pulled back just a little bit and created more space for other people to step up.
I'd try to figure out what's behind the impulse to talk so much you know is, is talking a subtle way too. Maybe a serb control a little bit. Is it away to take the burden off of other people to play their part? Does it feel really good to take care of everything
All of these impulses again come from a good place. I know, but they might not always be serving you or other people. The way that you think that's a really good point is well enough.
that she can do this at the crisis outlined, but not in her own life is
interesting as well. I would try to figure out what it is about talking to strangers. That makes it so much easier to listen. Maybe
there are some distance there, you don't feel is responsible for them. Although it's hard to think about like it's hard to imagine that
he's in a crisis hotline, but what went home or may be talking to some
beyond the phone, maybe that forces you to really listen, because you can't see their face. He can't see their body language and that's fascinating is well actually, because me,
That's another exercise! You can try just listening to what someone says as if they were talking to you on the phone and seeing
You notice, I don't think you can really where blindfold when you're in conversation. That might be a little weird, but you know what we'll figure out how to make it work
ever, it is try to apply.
you're doing at the hotline to your life in any way that you can and see what happens, you're, obviously capable of listening.
And you clearly have a lot of empathy. You just have to apply it the right way and figure out what
driving the urge to talk this much dig into that and see what
comes up, and I love yourself awareness about all this. I think it's really admirable, and now I'm self conscious about talking on this question. So I'm done you know who won't talk, nonsense
though without taking a breath. The sponsors who help support this shell, we'll be right back,
This is the Jordan Harbinger Show, and this is feedback Friday will be right back. This episode is sponsored in part by Grammarly it felt like just yesterday I was playing Xbox while sipping on hot cocoa spiked with a shot of Glenfiddich. Suddenly it's two thousand and twenty two in my inbox is starting
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for the conclusion of feedback. Friday are at what's next Dear Jordan, Gabriel, I'm in the thick of my senior year of high school and I'm feeling very overwhelmed. It's as if the second I take her one deadline or crisis, another one pops up and I am constantly doing damage control for things. I let slide I'm so busy. At this point, I am regularly neglecting base itself care sleeping too little skipping breakfast eating poorly and so on. I suspect that your advice would be to require ties, but the problem is that I feel like. I should have time to manage everything, as many of my peers seem to be able to do. I regularly
the willpower to work, and then I procrastinated, a watch random Youtube videos late at night, even though I'm tired I'll practice guitar instead of studying or draw and listened upon gusts, yours included anything. That's distracting enough to lessen the stress that I feel, for example, I should be taking physics notes right now, but instead I'm writing you this email and now I feel guilty whenever I'm not working. What's the difference between self care and procrastination? Is this happening because I truly need a break or am I just being lazy,
and seeking a german or just being avoided. Such a good question gave you remember: junior senior year of high school of yeah yeah, so intent
I did my senior year, I was an exchange student, but I think I pushed all that crap the junior year Europe, its six, maybe like fire
five hundred and thirty, depending on the school you're at school, like seven thousand seven hundred and thirty eight classes till what is it three hundred and then you've got sports in club.
all its staff and you go home and have a tunnel homework if you're like me,
I think of the nineties with three four.
I was a homework some nights on top of all that now you're also
posed to be working on your friggin college applications, while you're just totally brain dead and trying to be
human being and function. I honest
I have no idea how we did that. That's just straight up young
person, energy right there I mean I still
we're pretty hard at my age, harder than most
people, I know that are my age just from an energy perspective, but in terms of pure,
hours and brain power. There weeks I don't even come
Oh, stop how hard I grind it is it ground grounded in high school. Unlike for
reckon hours of sleep per night for weeks
months, at a time being a teenager brutal you having a teenager, especially teenager right now, it's beyond intent, I think competitions, probably even more intense than it whatever was and there's like social
following you home and does not even touching on the social aspect of being a teenager, just the workload anyway. All of that to say what's asked of high school seniors
is literally insane to me borderline
in human really. So what you're describing it doesn't sound
out of the ordinary to me at all. I know your peers seem to be handling this a lot better than you are maybe he's some of them are, but I promise you that there are struggling and
and where we had people addicted to coffee who are like fourteen, ok, they're, the
people are just good at hiding it or no one's asking. So everyone
there are, the only ones having a hard time. Just keep that in mind. It's a lot of bullets against a gram.
One wants to be like I'm having a hard time which is like girl. My life sucks. That's what's up right now, it's just wait is in power
I have no clue generally there like, while just go to bed earlier, because they have no clue what you're doing
homework or that, like you, have to get their like, we'll just quit, banned in sight.
Ok, that's like the only thing making me competitive for college but cool. So let's talk about them.
reason you wrote in what's the difference between self care and procrastination such a great question at any age and its tricky, because a lot of procrastinate tory behaviors sure there often
ever way to put off work, but they could also be your brains way of saying hang on. We need
I hear when
The laugh or play, or just escaped for a little while and that can actually be healthy, so I'm not sure
There is a clear divide between procrastination and self care. Sometimes procrastination is also self care like playing
our or writing an email to us, but not all self.
Air is necessarily procrastination, of course. If that makes sense here, but in general, I think we know
deep down when we're procrastinating it.
you're doing one thing when you should be doing something objectively, more important and the behaviour
Comparing your ability to succeed. There is a difference between play.
guitar for an hour on a Sunday morning, because its meditative and helps you focus later and playing guitar.
Two a m in the morning, while you're calculus homework sits, there half finished and you should definitely be asleep one is there a pewter can expressive the
raise, staving off anxiety or boredom or stress in the short term and all
creating more of it down the line. So the best advice I can offer you- and this is after you
years of struggling with the exact same problem, is to become a lot more
a lot lot more deliberate about your time.
if you know you need an hour and a half to iron out shower
play guitar and talk to your best friend and have dinner with your family, put it
The calendar schedule it into your calendar into all of those things within those ninety minutes and if it's impossible to get done a ninety minutes. The answer,
to do everything faster or to blow over that time slot it's to stretch out the time slot. Next week, when you
realize that you need more time that it's back to work,
Another ninety minutes for homework. Thirty minutes to watch
a sort of the office in decompress check your texts grab a snack whatever then put the friggin phone away and its
two hours to work on college essays run a timer, then you're in bed at ten or whatever
Get the eight hours of sleep that you need to Morrow do
same thing again. This is not rocket science, there's no big secret here. It is frankly just about being done.
And these boundaries, though they are crucial. They tell your brain when it's time to play and when it's time to work
It isn't trying to do both at the same time, because it hasn't gotten
friggin arrest for a month, boundaries
also help you get things done more quickly because you're totally clicked in for a period of
you're, not dragging an assignment that should take forty five minutes into four hours, because you're sort of half pint
a halo during right and they force you to
prioritize. If you
gradual everything out and you realize you actually can't go to the movies this weekend. You'll know that your job is to
Billy buckle down in finnish those applications- and you won't be at the movies- haven't a freak in panic attack about her.
you're gonna answer. I say number two on the common app or whatever and then not enjoying any single moment of it, and I know you said that you feel
You should have time to manage everything. That's a freakin myth, man! Either you
do you have time to manage everything and you haven't figured out how, which is what we're talking about or you do
we have time to manage everything and you need me.
some trade offs in the next couple of months or for the next couple of months, which is perfectly fine there
zero shame in prioritizing. It is not a weakness, it's actually the definition of discipline. This is what every successful person that I know does. So, no, I don't
Put your lazy, and I don't even think that you lack discipline I think you're just under systematized also, I would go back and check out episode, five, four, seven, it's a feedback Friday. We too
question from a woman who was struggling major early with procrastination, and we talked in death about why it pops up in
all the ways to deal with it. That will be a great listen for you.
what an harbinger dot com slash- five, four seven- I think it was the last
question on that. Episode will also linked to that in the shadows, so give us a real shot and I think you'll find some relief from the stress and anxiety that you're facing, but also know that
some anxiety, our normal parts of being a junior senior whatever in an insane friggin educational system, one.
spring rules around you'll feel a lot better.
Will not always be this way? No colleges, not worse. A lot of people expected to be. It is not its
the opposite in many ways, but if you can learn,
to develop the habits and techniques to thrive at seventeen years,
older, whatever you're gonna take those with you into the rest of your life, which is a huge,
that, whether you're working in a business that your own or someone else's so as much as you can try to view.
as an opportunity to grow as well. You got this. You have all my confidence. I used to be a friggin disaster way worse than you good luck. You can reach us
Friday, at Jordan, harbinger dot com. Please keep your emails, concise, try to use a descriptive subject line that helps, make our job a lot easier and if you can include the state and country that you live in, that hope is give
even more detailed advice. If there's something you're going through any big decision, your wrestling with, maybe you just need a new perspective on stuff life. Love work: what to do here.
What fetish is derailing. Your life, whatever he's got you stay,
at night lately hit us up Friday at
Jordan is honest: it's not your calculus homework hit us up Friday at Jordan, Harbinger Dotcom, we're here to help and we keep every email anonymous and, by the way,
for joining us for the first time, or you want to tell your friends
the Show- and I always appreciate it when you do that- check out our episode, starter packs. Those are collections of favorite episodes organised by popular topic, that'll help.
new listeners, get a taste of everything we do here on the shelf. Just visit, Jordan, harbinger dot com, slash start to get started our right next up, Hey Jordan and gave him
I was attending college. I worked for quite a few large corporations and many of them
They very ingrained company culture from mottoes two systems. They always seemed so artificial and so fake. At most of these jobs, I was at the lower end and remember joking about how ridiculous they seemed with coworkers a team leader comes by and spouts some script about
Work makes the dream work and you know we're a team because of ex Wincey I even
member a job I had where we had to pool our hands together in a circle and say Joost before the start of each chef Keith did you work a job issues where we have the silicone juice specific thing, or do you think they said?
but I like normal company now I think it's a very juice specific thing like it sounds like a juice place. He worked. Oppressed states actually kind of clever
I will lie, but I can imagine the walking in there and having to do it by force. Sometimes you just like. I need a slower start.
Little annoying ere. I think that is that once context a better, but I hear the whole thing was borderline cruelty. I've grown a lot since then, and have a successful business with a great partner and a decently size
Duff now we're working on developing our own company culture, but I can help you remember how repulsive that concept was to me in the past. I dont want to be
I'm that annoying employer that imposes I roll culture speeches on their staff. Maybe I'm over thinking this, but its affecting my by and as to what we're trying to do so I'd love to hear some extra input. How do we do company culture without the cringe?
and the cautious cultural test ban so worthy here, my time in corporate life.
So I put almost every company culture I was a part of it fell Conakry
in some way, especially those places where they try super hard to we're. Gonna make our culture thing right. It just makes me think of office space where the legality of thirty seven pieces of Blair, that's really the minimum. As soon as you are coming up with catchphrase
an anagrams and rituals and forcing them on people. It's already weird. It's just sort official and yes, borderline cruelty for sure. Some with you, man,
ITALY, seeing as I run my own business and our company culture around here- is basically me and gave roasting each other for ten minutes before we have record
I have a whole lot of soda background.
when this year we do the annual
call to make sure everyone is still alive and breathing with the fact is we like tat, but that's the bare minimum. That's a very,
during our term into my original areas around here. Is it balls
There is every company has a culture whether that company consciously creates it or not, and some company cultures are just the lack of a culture
and it's kind of a free for all, and then it's really about the quality of the people who work there, which works for somebody small companies like if there are some people, the cultures, pretty awesome, there's not
a lot of people here, everybody's great, so we can have dont have to form.
slogans on everyone, but if they're not awesome people, it can totally
off the rails, and I do think that a good company culture is essential and if it's done
right. It can be amazing, which I now
was what you want. I've been in companies with bad culture and debts way worse than no culture and way worse than a cringe culture. Here's what I'm thinking! First of all your credit
detector when it comes to this stuff is pretty high higher than most. You know. First,
and what a cheesy cruelty culture looks like. So anything you guys
consider implementing I'd, run it through your cringe filter. If your business partners like what
who did happy hour every week and everyone went around saying one thing that made them feel vulnerable at work. Recently you can
imagine, being an employee standing there just sweating with a Sierra Nevada and his hand, like ragging his brain, for something that's good to say, but not actually vulnerable, because you don't want to go there at all envy
Now that feels force. This feels pushy. I don't like it, but maybe
you could imagine having fun it a happy hour once a month where any
who wants to say a few words about what made them excited at work lately, maybe that's the better version of the ritual
so, you can actually use your cringe filter to find the right idea to put into place. At the same time, though, I wouldn't feel too much pressure to create those rituals from the top down.
That's where the cringe comes from a lot of the time, some executive.
verandah consultant comes up with these ideas in their offices or in like a board room because they got to justify their salary and then just roles.
As a matter of policy, then the culture becomes rigid and self conscious, as opposed to play,
or inorganic Andrews envisioning. This is so Michael Scott. Slash motivational,
posters on the wall of the conference. Room type is right. So, if I were you I'd start paying it.
into the little ideas and customs that develop around your office and find ways to formalised those things. So, for example, if you over here a customer service rap asking a customer about
dog barking in the background, and it goes well and it's kind of a fun thing that happened the day. Maybe you write that kind of chat into the customer service supports grids, and you guys
Come to the friendly company that talks to customers like their actual human beings or
Here's another random idea! Right! It's a bunch of your employees like form a bowling weak.
We have a quarterly party down at lucky strike, maybe have different departments face off and they get a little crappy plastic trophy that goes on the desk of somebody or they rotated of your business.
Nor accidentally, blurted out some weird phrase in a meeting. Maybe
turn that into a meme are running joke, like everyone goes our guys time to crunch them snails, and that's how you
Oh it's time to end the small talk and get down to business or whatever right, you know, have to force it on people. It doesn't have to be a thing. People have to use or participate in dumb eggs
balls, I know, but you get the idea. These are organic references. They mean
so much more than like toothed before starting a shift. Joost is lame.
no one else in the world, so, let's crunch some snails, that phrase carries a very specific meaning that ends up being unique to your company and that tiny thing, because
part of your culture and then that'll encourage other people to do the same, and then your employees will be creating the culture too, which is really what you want that organic bottom up, culture, especially in a smaller, come
the other thing you can do is just ask your employees what they like, what they don't like, what would make them happier or more productive check.
With them from time to time, and just ask him: hey: are you like it
weekly happy hours. Are they fun? Do you just feel kind of obligated to be there? The whole
share. One thing that made you excited thing is that working for you tell me the truth. I really want to make sure we're getting our culture right here and we're not go unfold, Michael Scott and maybe
Say they love it or maybe they say it's a bit much and then you just adjust or get rid of
ritual. Accordingly, in you welcoming candid feedback, like that not being heard
her holding it against them are being passiveaggressive about it, using it to make the culture better. That's also a big part of buildings,
culture, because when you're employees realized, they can speak freely and you'll, take their idea
on board, then they'll feel heard, they'll feel invested
they'll want to keep sharing ideas with you and the culture will just get better and better
So a lot of what makes a culture is actually just the way you too,
your employees, the core values you guys embody. Not just you know whether you do
such as penny wise, the clown every Friday or you'll catch phrases, it all hand meetings, because at the end,
the day culture,
really just how it feels to work at your company right. You know it is fine, as it supportive visit inspiring is a productive stay focused on fostering that x
parents- and I know that you'll get the details right. So good luck with that, I know that's tricky. It's a fine balance hobby,
I enjoyed the show this week. I want to thank everyone who wrote in and everyone who listened special,
until this, nor Braden James, who found us into
diaries and road into the show, and really really really wanted to shout out. So thanks for listening
and I appreciate it, don't forget to check out the episodes we did with Dwayne, weighed and Java willing this week by the way,
I'm gonna be making worksheets for episodes anymore. I now collective grown, there's this law
out of work involved in creating them. It's very hard for us to keep up its almost impossible words. Not gonna have new worksheets moving forward, but the old,
we'll stay up. So I hope you find those use
all their Jordan Harbinger dot com, there's links in the shown us for the worksheets
When you look at him, you'll see the while he's must have been a ton of work and they were are so we're just going to kind of let that go. I know you get a lot of use, but we just can't. We can't
if you want to know high managed to book all these great people that are on the show, I manage my relationships using software systems and tiny habits, and I teach all that for free in the six minutes,
working course over there on the think, if it platform, that's it Jordan,
harbinger that come slash course dig the well before you thirsty I'm teaching to how to do that. These drills, they take a few minutes a day. There's really no excuses
Do it ignore it at your own peril, find it all for free
what an harbinger dot com slashed course
into the show nets, for the EP has said, can be found at Jordan, harbinger dot com transcripts, run. The show notes on at Jordan, Harbinger on both Twitter and Instagram. You can also hit me on linked in you can find gave on Twitter at Gabe.
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Getting. If we think we deserve it, I think it'll help us in the charts. I would really love to test this and I would really love your feedback on the show in the Spotify. Thank you so much the show is created an associate
with pod one. My team is Jen, Harbinger, Jason Sanderson, Robert Ferdy
bared, Milly, Ocampo, Josh, Ballard and, of course, Gabriel, MS right, our advice and opinion
our own. I am a lawyer. I am not your lawyer. Do your own
research before implementing anything you here on the show, ditto carbon pain and doktor mark
was his input, is general psychological information based on research and clinical experienced its intended to be general and informational in
it does not represent or indicate an established clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance, and that means you remember we
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What those you love! If you found this episode useful, please share it with somebody else. You can use the advice we gave here today in the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show. So you can live what you listen and we'll see you next time
you're about to hear a preview of the Jordan Harbinger Shell with a black man that befriends members of the clue, Klux Clan idle support, but J J J at all export that ideology, but I support people having the right
to believe as they want to believe as long as they don't cross the line and hurt people and a show to prove that I will stick up for somebody else's rights, as also lead to people just like that state
for my and I had a anybody. I am impetus for over two hundred
to make up their own minds to convert themselves because I've, given them reason to think about other things that make more sense than what they currently do. It bothers me a great deal that we call ourselves the greatest nation. On the face of this. We have to admit that there are some flaws here,
I don't hear that statement that we are the greatest. Maybe I would bend and say that perhaps technologically we are the greatest. So how is it
that we as Americans can talk to people as far away as them
or anywhere on the face of this earth, but yet there so many of us who have difficulty talking to the person who lives right next door. This is the twenty four
century. This raises nonsense, does not belong to any century, let alone the twenty first. We are living in space age times, but there are still too many of us. Thinking was stone. Age
for more on how Darrell Davis convince two hundred KKK members to give up their robes check out episode. Five four zero on the Jordan Harbinger show. Are you ready for it?
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Transcript generated on 2022-02-26.