I welcome the feedback Friday on your host Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer Gabriel, Miss Raw. He who looks like you just got back from an ashram or something or you're going to was actually know shaved your head Naturally I cannot see far from it to save my had led the beard grow two weeks in Peru. That'll do it for you I'll. Do it tat? I thought your hair was a on the Jordan Jordan Harbinger show. We declared the stories, secrets and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom. Interpol, to go advice. You can use to him. Your own life and those around you, we want to help. You see the matrix, what as to how these amazing people think it behave in our mission, is to you become a better informed, more critical thinker, didn't get it. deeper understanding of how the world works and makes sense. What's really happening even inside your own mind, if your to the show on Fridays. We give advice to you. We answer listener questions the rest of the week. We have long

from interviews in conversations with a variety of amazing folks from spy, to see he owes athletes to authors thinkers to performers. This week we have a dollar back on the show by popular demand, of course, on why empires fall and the future of the USA and China and Shawnee one recorded five six years ago unhappiness. This was really popular. When it first aired, we decided to remonstrate re editing Are you sure this week giving me more timed it change diapers on our two week old daughter, who was born over the break so make you ve, had a look, analyse and everything that we created for you here this week knew your man, I'm excited to keep growing. The show this year were also The family, literally my daughter, was born over the break that wasn't just a joke. So now I have a two, depending on your listening to this three four week old daughter, a clump of my dna mixed with my wife's dna that just sleeps all day in spits milk everywhere, it's nice like sleepless delusion and a good excuse

did not go anywhere because I can't go anywhere anyway, because I got a deeper in one hand and the microphone in the other. Well, congratulations! You! There were men come out before you. Thank you very much that stupid. I'm happy for you now resolutions matter not at all. I honestly don't know what to say to people who have kids idea. Ino, honestly, not nothing like king that's great, and then it's like you see the baby and it's like oh wow adorable, but it was kind of sometimes but usually like. It's ugly is hellenes peeling. It looks all red it's like sunburn, but it's not what the fuck is wrong. With your that's ice, cube, corkins

what's the first thing out of the mail bag. Hey Jordan gave my amazing fiance recently proposed me. So now we ve started making wedding plans. My problem is that I have an alcoholic father who has previously ruined other major events in my life like graduation and other big milestones, we were really close when I was young, but starting in high school, he began binge drinking from the moment he woke up till he passed out at night, he's been in the hospital multiple times for the duties and as a minor residual neurological issues. As a result, This is not the same father. I grew up with that man did not have these severe drinking issues as the bride. Of course, I want my daughter, my wedding, but I dont want the drama associated with having him drunk at our wedding. This is a celebration for us and I am so worried that my father is gonna ruin it. My car Thinking is that I should speak to him about my boundaries around whether I decide to let him give me away whether we do a father, daughter, dance and my expectation that he only be there if you sober

How exactly do I go about handling this? Do I let him know my concerns? What would you do in my situation signed keeping my dad to this ass burlesque without turning into a bride Zella? This is such a sad story. I'm really sorry to hear that your dad has been struggling with his addiction for so long it sounds. It gets taken, a huge toll on him and on you and probably your whole family, you're in a tough spot here, wanting your d a debate, your wedding mean he's your dad. He should definitely be there well, theoretically, but now running into causes scene and ruin your special day, I've seen drunk. Will it weddings. It's always embarrassing. In fact, A friggin nanny got drunk super. She. She wedding of one of the gens friends in the grooms mother, had to baby sit this nanny from Taiwan all night during her only sons wedding during, I think so she was laying down. It was horrible. I'm each year was brutal the bathroom like getting sick. It was inside,

everyone was embarrassed. It definitely colored the evening. It was the thing that everyone's like so what's up with the really drunk lady you like fell over, say I get it. You do need to talk to your dad. and get super clear on your expectations and boundaries. So here's how I do that first off I'd make some time for the two of you to talk alone and lay out your concerns gently but directly. If this were me, I'd say something like listen. We both know you ve been struggling with alcohol for a long time. It breaks my heart to see you suffer like this. jurisdiction is ruined a lot of important moments in my life and that's cause me a lot of pain over the years, but I'm not here to talk about what happened in the past. I'm here to talk about the wedding. I really want you there you're my dad, I absolutely will not allow you to get wasted on the most important day of my life and derail. Yet another other big milestone for me. I don't want that. I know you don't want that so

we need to get clear on how you're going to act that day something wrong. those lines, then I would lay out very clearly what you expect from him. Maybe you say, Look. If you come to the wedding, I'm asking you actually I'm telling you respectfully not to drink not at all, no champagne from a passing tray, dram of whisky at the bar. Don't even look at them, an sanitize or dad if you're there. You are sober, I'm telling you this to make. You feel bad or punish you. I'm telling you this, because this is the only way I can feel comfortable, my wedding, we'll go smoothly. If you can do that, then I will but you give me away and we can do a father, daughter, dance which I think would be really special for both of us. If you can't do that, then I'm really sorry, but I can invite you to be a part of the ceremony and if you say yes, oh, but you end up doing to cure shots and a bathroom rude, janitor claw there are some like that. Then I mean after ass some people to escort you out, please

make your own daughter kick her father out of the wedding I'd rather not drink it all ever, obviously, but also offer you not drinking unjust this one day. Can you do that? For me, and then the balls in his court- and I know that some of what I just it might sound a little harsh, but I think you need to be pretty blunt for your dad to appreciate what a big deal. This really is a few hedge you talk around the issue. He might you're, not that serious see you might think like Alyosha, no problem, sobers adjudge got it in a wink, double gun fingers, and then you just now. A few Moscow mules while nobody's looking and knocks over the friggin sushi spread or whatever you know that there's always a Susie's red suddenly he has understand, because any those heavy once they won't Tipp its decision on our behalf understand the partisan, withstands everything. That's radishes, bread, that's vulnerable right, always he had to understand the severity of the situation. How important this is to you the consequences, if

doesn't are your boundaries. At the same time, you have to be prepared to force those boundaries that means being prepared to ask your dad leave if he gets and if you have a wedding coordinator, definitely talked to them. They have in every crazy thing that can happen at a wedding there really good about handling difficult guests. It's not gonna, be there first rodeo. I would also reach to a couple guys in the family. Maybe people closed your dad, like his brow or his nephew, or something like that. Somebody gets a little sway over and tell them that the chance. Your dad is gonna act out. It should be no news to them and if he does, you'll need their help just quietly escorting him. and putting him in an goober home, enlist a few people to keep an eye on you We have to deal with this alone on your day and if you have this conversations and you don't think your dad really gets it. Then I would just be prepared to not fight him to the wedding. I know it hurts, but it might be

right move depending on how far gone he is. I don't think you owe an invitation to anyone who might serious. Compromise your day, even if they are your parent, it's not fair to you. It's not fair, fiance, and it's not fair to your guests will have to deal with the dead, whose tanked and spit talking her face during the orders. Dude. into a couple those weddings. It is word yeah, good points or an He had taken a hard line with him. Maybe that's what he needs to realise a serious. His problem really is good luck, you now you can imagine right if your daughter's, like dad, I really wish you'd stop drinking. You know makes me kind of sad. I imagine that that's probably pretty easy for an alcoholic too. Were you? Don't you

brush off. But if your daughter's, like sorry dad you're not coming to my wedding because you have a problem or or if you agree to her terms of any get, kicked out of your daughter's wedding for drinking too much. Yet that could be a very real wake up call and look if your dad shows any willingness to get better than I would obviously try to get him. Thou be needs whether it's getting into a hospital did He talks or into rehab program, or into a I mean, I'm guessing you ve already been there. You probably had had conversation, but but- throwing out there in case this conversation becomes a real chance for him to finally clean up its act. But, more importantly, it sounds like your dad's addiction has taken a very real toll on. You, I mean growing up with an alcoholic parent from a young age that is incredibly difficult. I would make sure you're getting the support. You need two, if you and on this already you might want to check out some Alan on meetings. That's our recovery programme for families and friends about Alex it's a pretty amazing place, and I bet the people in those meetings would have some really good

The ideas on how to handle this all wedding situation, I'm guessing that you are not the first person to have to deal with an alcoholic parent coming to their wedding or not come to the wedding so give it a shot for a couple meetings. You may pick up a few jobs that I'll help you learn how to best support your dad. While you also take care of yourself I'm glad you brought that up gave. She definitely has some stuff to work through and I hope she gets to do that. The amazing if she could help dad get better too, but it sounds to me like he's pretty far down the road, I'm not saying you should give up on him, but she can also save him until he actually wants to get better at some time. It's really hard to teach in old dog new tricks, especially if there is not in a frame of mind right. It's it's everyone else's problem, so keep the door open, keep pushing him to get help, but also just no, but you can't really be super close with somebody who is in the grip of a serious addiction like this. It's heartbreaking, but that's the reality

in the meantime congrats on getting married. I think it's so exciting. It's always it's so fun being married. I wish I'd known how great it was going to be at would have done it sooner and I'm sorry that you have to make this to about your dad, but I know if you handle it with integrity. You'll make the right call. So we're wishing you and your fiance and in fact your dad as well all the best, but you know who don't get hammered and ruin the most important day of your life. The sponsors who help support the show fearless into feedback Friday here on the Jordan Harbinger, show we'll be right back. This episode is sponsored in part by simply safe. you ever wanted to make your home feel safer. There's no better time. The now our friends, it simply say for giving our listeners to all their new year's holiday deals, twenty percent off world winning homes. Security Andrew first month is free. When you sign up for the interactive monitoring service, simply It has everything you need to make your home, safe, indoor, outdoor cameras, comprehensive sensors, alma.

turn around the clock by train professionals. We actually had our alarm go off a few times by accident and they call within seconds to find out if we're, ok or we need the police simply safe was named bet home security systems of twenty twenty one? By? U S news and world report I get cranking impatient, went knowledge doesn't work the way it should so I can attest. This is a breeze to set up no long term contracts or commitments start feeling a bit more peace of mind this year. Hurry take twenty percent off here, simply safe system. And your first month is free when you sign up for the interactive monitoring service visit, simply saved outcome. Size Jordan today go to simply safe dot com, Slash Jordan. This episode sponsored by work. My friend Curtis launch something that has been gained changing for me. You heard me talk about it before I wanted to share at all with you have done so previous than Feedback Friday It recently took my personal trainer from three days a week and four days a week. I wish I'd hired a trainer sooner. It's helped me so much with mobility as help me get stronger, obviously as well. I literally couldn't kneel down before, because I was really tired. I couldn't play on the floor with Mikey and I couldn't sit down on the floor.

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Visit Jordan, harbinger dot com, slash deals for all the details on everybody that helps support the shell and now back to feedback Friday on the Jordan Harbinger show next up age. Orton again, I'm in my thirty is, and I work a highly paid contractor job I'm very grateful for, but that gives me no satisfaction whatsoever. I've also had serious issues with depression and self harm throughout my life, and I intermittently have dark periods that entail a complete lack of motivation and crying episodes that I cannot control. I've tried therapy with poor results. Take my prescribed medical, listen, and admittedly, during too much, I hold myself accountable for all of this. I do not consider myself a victim in any way

being in a dark period and dealing with frequent crying episodes. Right now, my ability to perform at work has been called into question and I have essentially been told by my bosses that I might notice I'm ashamed about my emotional state and I feel serious guilt because I know I have a better than so many others, I'm in this job, due to a referral from a colleague who depends on me and who I can afford to let down, and I can't leave my current job because of the serious ramifications this will have for my career. I simply have to man up and deliver right now. How can I find meaning and motivation in a meaningless job? So I can just do the basics showering daily? showing up on time and just getting through signed finding the muse while singing the blues abide right. It sounds to me, like you, are really struggling right now and you ve been struggling like for a long time- and I'm really sorry to hear that you are in such a dark place right I can only imagine how stressful it must be to be called out by your boy. As for being so fragile that they might fire you

been very open and direct with us here and since we only have a few minutes to spend with you, I'm gonna be pretty open and direct with you too, because I think what you're going the right now, it's a bit of a wake up call so, first off the depression, your expire, and the lack of motivation the impulse to self harm. Those are very you debilitating and scary feelings and you, all the help you can get working through them, so the first truth bomb when a drop on you and I hate that term, but amusing. It anyway and it won't be much surprise is that you need to stop drinking. This is serious stuff man, you're drinking to none the pain or quiet the thoughts or just escape your life. But all its doing, is kicking the canned down the road you're, also, basically pickling and already depressed brain in the present and making it harder to be present and do the work of sorting through the root causes of depression. I'm going to Does he know it all Uncle Jordan Mode here and just tell you point blank cut that shit out man. If you can't, then this is

galloped into a real dependency and it's time to look a or other resources to get sober. Don't wait just do it. This will be one of the best decisions of your life. And it will make everything else. You need to do so much easier, the second I'm going to drop on you also not a huge surprise. Ensure get back into therapy or, if you're, already there you need to re, commit to it. You said you had poor result, therapy in the past, and I would figure out why that is if it's, because you working with a lame therapists, then find a new one, a better one. If it's, because you work Billy invested or you weren't doing the work on your own to implement what you learned, which is very common, so no shade there, but let's be honest with ourselves here then it's time up to your sessions in a new way. I don't know you super well, of course but I do know that, if your wrestling with all of this stuff, then you have a lot to work through No one can do that alone. Fines! one good and start talking,

Honestly, if I were you, I'd, go to my next session with my existing therapist. If you have one- and you say, look, I haven't had good results from there be in the past, help me her stand, why you you go in there, Raw focused undefended, but all committed to figuring yourself out and if you're Education doesn't seem to be working, which is also very common. Then go back to your psychiatrist or find a new one and tell them what's up I highly, recommend doing that in conjunction with therapy, though I'm not a psychologist, I'm not qualified whatsoever to tell you how to medicate yourself, but I can tell you that virtually all experts Bree, that medication is not a magic bullet, it is a tool and it really works best. in conjunction with talk therapy and on that note The last issue here is that your question, which is how can find meaning in motivation in a meaningless job. So I can just do the basics. Ok, that's a good question, but I actually think it's the wrong question to me.

That question speak to you trying to manage these symptoms of your depression skating. On the surface of the problem, so you can just muddle through this rough patch until it hopefully resolves itself. But that's the kick the down the road mentality that lead you hear the right question is why do. I feel the hopelessness where Does my lack of motivation come from Why do I want to hurt myself in? Why am I struggling to process these feelings motivation? That's not some real, you can just grab onto and ride through the should show of life, even other a tunnel, cheesy hustle porn Youtube videos, not they'll. Tell you that finding meaning in life is obviously essential, but that's not something. A couple guys on podcast can just give you that something you have to create by committing yourself to something you really care about putting in the work asking the right question, and creating meaning that can really hard when you're so depressed that you can't even take a friggin shower right. Of course you don't care about anything. How do you create some you care about, meaning is important,

I'm not sure meaning alone is gonna lived you out of this cycle that you're in gable. a crazy might be into tough on this guy not at all. I was nodding, along with everything you just said, but there's something else in this letter. That's really jumping out of me and actually might hold the key to. Why he's finding itself to get better so early on. In the letter he says what was it that he holds himself accountable for all his feelings. He doesn't consider self a victim in any way, and then later he says that he feels ashamed about his emotional state, but he also feels gonna guilty because he knows he has a better than some. the other people and then at the end of the letter, he actually says that he can't quit his job just ass to what was it man up and deliver right so it's interesting on one hand, I hear a person who is taking ownership of his experience. He's not wallowing in self pity he's not blaming other people or creating a victim identity which is you know that's admirable. On the other hand, I also hear a person who isn't Billy allowing himself to acknowledge just how much pain he's in I mean here's a guy

minimizing his own experience, because some other hypothetical person must have worse, we ve all been there and who also kind of you. like has only option, is to stuff his feelings down and just power through. I get why he hasn't been able to work on this stuff. It sounds to me, like he's, not even really giving himself the space to fully acknowledge what he's going through, which is pretty heavy. So if I can pile onto Jordan's truth bombs for a moment, here's my truth bomb you're not doing well, my dude, and that is ok what you you're going through. What you're describing a lot of people go through that its being human? Ok and you saying that you're not away damn you relative, rising your own pain, because somebody else must have it worse in you feeling like you're. Only option is just great your teeth, work harder, that's not getting you anywhere! I admire your strength. I respect you know that instinct to be self sufficient. I really do, but I think it's time to say to yourself. You know I need help. I can pretend like I'm above this anymore. I can't just wish these feelings away. The feelings. Are there? No matter what so now I have to say

a wider there and what they mean and what I'm gonna do with them, because these uncontrollable crying fits these dark periods, as you call them there. Let me tell you something, so you can number them or you can push them away It doesn't change the fact that they contain information that you need to work through this and working through it. That might make things more painful for a period of time and might make the more intense might make you feel even more vulnerable than you already feel, which I wouldn't That's already pretty scary. If it's starting to affect your work, but in the long term I promised that it will get you much closer to the relief and the stability that you're looking for that's what I would be focusing. Right now: the meaning, the motivation, those things can come their important, but they're gonna come after once you get your house in order. it's so true gave there are probably a ton of variables contributing this guy's depression, but the fact that he's basically neglecting himself, the guise of being discipline. That could be the thing. That's perpetuating the depression, or at least it's an aspect of the root cause

I feel sure. So there you have a man time to start showing up for yourself in a new way, release the habits that aren't serving you and seek out the relationships and resources that will, and if you do, that, I've got a strong feeling that you, find the motivation and meaning you want so badly, but it starts with. You were sending you good thoughts. Men take care of yourself. I think you ve got there gave its occurred to me as we reply to this guy's query here. If you're depressed writing you must read the motivation to show up to work in your kind of having trouble keeping up but you're, I kind of holding it together. That is more harder than getting the motivation to do other things like go to therapy and fix it right. So this is already a strong guy right he's got all of tools, he needs he's not like you. I just can't even like it took me all day, busy mail from my phone, and that's like this is already a really strong person whose managing this with sheer brute force method banging his head against the wall. So once he actually plots the right course for this

He definitely has, although sort of raw materials to see this through he's just trying to ram, is through a brick wall instead of going to the front door, and I think there are probably part of the problem- it such a good point, the energy he is spending on trying to just hold it together. He could be spending trying to work through the right people, and maybe in writing a few friends and to help him it's just that doesn't seem possible time right now, because in the depression that seems so threatening gap at such a good point, I hope he gets to do that yes and you can reach us Friday at Jordan, harbinger dot com. Please keep your emails, concise, try to use a descriptive subject line that makes our job a lot easier. If there's some you're going through any big, vision that your wrestling with or if you need a new perspective on stuff like life, love work. What to do if your creepy stepped add might be going after a new family, so crazy, one. From last we gave whatever's got you up at night lately hit us up Friday at Jordan, Harbinger Dotcom, we're here to help and we keep every email anonymous, oh by the way Spotify has just started to allow

cast ratings. It would mean a lot to us if you took literally by ten seconds to write the show just go to the Jordan Harbinger show in Spotify on your mobile device. Click on the rating boxers like three dots, their future combat it'll, save rate show smash those star as ideally five of them. I know I'm never thought as upon Castro. Biota say smash that like button, but here five stars depending on what. Think, were worth and for more detailed review. Instructions just go to Jordan, harbinger dot com, slash review and thank you very much in advance. I really appreciate and gave us to our what's next, Hey Jordan gave a twenty four year old action worker and I have a co worker, I will call TIM Tim is mid. Forties divorce stand very lonely in the last year. He met a girl online and developed a relationship with her. I was fully supportive of it since that's how I met my fiance

eventually, though I realise that he's being played his quoting quote. Girlfriend is a ukrainian model living in California, stuck in financial hardship due to covered and relying on his pay tax to live. He sends her upwards of a thousand dollars per month and has never and video with her her microphone is always broken, as is her camera. He sends or money for new phone, but she always as excuses. Meanwhile, he lives on instant, noodles and handouts from other people. I've tried gently asking him questions to nudge him toward the truth, but he doesn't want to engage. I've also tried laying out my concerns directly, but he's told me that he'd rather figure this out on his own, I feel like deep down he knows he's being played, but his loneliness just won't allow him to accept it. I haven't made any recent attempts to talk to him about this, but I feel like I'm partially responsible because I'm not forcing him to see through the scam. Everyone else around us knows his situation, but nobody will say anything

I also don't want to ruin the working relationship. We have by pushing to hard, so How can I handle this while keeping his feelings intact, signed bursting this bubble without causing trouble man. I've heard this story so many times over the years and have actually seen at play out a couple times with people that I know it is so awkward so a friend to keep the short. I was coming back from Ukraine. This is like literally twenty years ago now, and I see my bodies, wife, standing at the gate and, unlike oh that's, cool they the pick me wait a minute, they don't know I'm coming back from why're. You hear what you doing here and she's like oh high Jordan, my uncle's girlfriend is coming in and, unlike oh, ok, that's cool who's. Your uncle and aunt feels like a Michigan dude with a baseball cap on whose middle aged and, unlike we cannot forget the signs,

all like welcome to America as like, what's goin on here, and it was really kind I, Kind, a new then that something might be up, because it didn't sort of sit right with me and I waited cause. My parents actually forgot to pick me up. I was trying to do they literally forgot what day I flying so that Detroit Airport and I'm waiting in waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting, here's my parents like an hour away and my friend Jessica she's, like so yeah my whatever his name is like not here. Yet how many People were on that flights would using should not stop at customs and, unlike while I dont want idols the third is that much more is there's no bags left on the baggage claim they that doesn't mean I didn't take her bag. She stuck at immigration that maybe they do that. I don't know, but it was just like another Half hour goes by, and it's just really really clear that she's, our coming and, of course, they're trying to straighten out they dont want to leave. Yet in case you caught it, immigration all the stuff. Well, of course, it turned out that she didn't exist,

she had sediment email later on that day, like oh, I got robbed on the way to the airport, which none of it made sense, because I guess that same person amateur, as they were forgot to tell him that or like already at the airport or something like that a clear. What didn't want approached me. I just didn't make any sense. It is like you know, chat addresses an email and it was just a scam from the job. This is. Where a common everyone, seen catfish on MTV right. It's a super com, a scam, so your boy TIM he's, obviously very lonely- is deeply and secure pro We know you and it's just too threatening for him to even imagine the possibility that China from tender is treating them like a piggy bank and in all likelihood has this scam going on with twelve guys at a time. It's so weird to me that people fall for this stuff so easily, but I think that speaks to how badly Some people want companionship. I game How many times can someone say their laptop and phone and

your phones in cameras on both are broken. Before you go. Ok, this person clearly doesn't want to meet a guy like two times. You say it out and then a microchip. This is not happening. The dude sending our thousands of dollars, thousands and thousands of dollars, and she can't even borrow a phone call him on the video camera on. What's out for two minutes to say thank you. It's so obvious him all right, let's get into it! So here's the deal what you ve tried to do. With TIM, asking him questions laying out, concerns. Helping him see the situation objectively, that's exactly I would have told you to do, but, as you already done that and TIM straight up told you he'd rather figure this out on his own, whatever that may that do literally means learn the hard way whatever. So as far as concerned, your part is done. If you want to further within, which is a kind of thing to do. Then great go for it, but in terms of say giving a co worker who isn't your best friend from a situation like this. I think you have done your part, but if you'd You want to give it one more shot. Then I would

he even more direct with him, not cruel, just direct, maybe say TIM Buddy. Listen to me. I know you like this girl, I know how nice it is to be needed by somebody. I'm really worried about you, man. I know this isn't a fun conversation to have, but we're colleagues were buds. I will. I wouldn't be a very good friend. If I didn't tell you that your caught up in a highly manipulative situation, all I'm asking, but you hear me out for ten minutes, keep an open mind and then later, you can decide what to do and all respected, but from where sitting such a nice hard working, dude hand over a thousand bucks a month to a woman who won't even talk to him. If you we're friends with that guy, would you tell him to stay in that relationship? Or would you tell him too seriously? this person out and reconsider. If the ship is even real, because if you can you down this path. I think you're gonna get and in a really bad way and you're gonna hate yourself for not asking some basic question sooner. That's

I do it anyway and I be overly worried about ruffling this guy's feathers. You might be hurting his feelings a little bit. Any he's probably derail the conversation by getting defensive, but me he needs to have his feelings, hurt a little bit just a little bit because his feet. These are what is keeping him stuck in the con yeah. That is Zactly right. You have to make it safe for this guy to consider a very different angle on this situation, which is super scary for him. You know it's threatening, like George, said to the ego, but you also have to be blunt enough to make him snap out of his delusion that he's in its actually interesting it's kind of like talking to somebody who's in occult right. They have so much invested in believing that

the organisers and there are part of his good that their helpful that the leaders have their best interests at heart that its super threatening for them to stop and go wait a minute. Maybe these people don't have answers? Maybe I don't need them. So it's a very hard line to walk, but if you can do both of those things than you might have a shot at getting through to him, but if tinges doubles down and refuses to engage with you, then then I think you ve really done your part. He's. Gonna have to come to this realization on his own. He will get there eventually. I don't know when could be a couple. Months could be a couple years who knows but it'll happen eventually, unfortunately, he might have to lose a lot more time and money and also face before he realizes that you are right, but That happens. I would definitely be there for him. You know I wouldn't crack any jokes. It is expands. I'm assuming you guys do that all down the gas or construction we're! Yes, prevention, like hey. Your fate, governs on a phone at eighty, none of that like

I told you so, unlike mocking M for the next six months, I would just be kind and supportive, because I'm guessing he's already gonna feel terrible at that point heroin He's gonna need good buddies around to help him move through. That means, more than ever just tell your glad he's come to your senses and just to help him get free of this woman, this frickin vampire squid, and if you feel, but there's an opening their. Maybe you can help look at what kept him in this relationship. Might you know what drew him to this relationship in the first place? So he doesn't do this all over again when he, you know swipes right on Marcia for Moldova and six month. I'm just saying this: I'm just you know the guy has a type it could happen again is Marcia. It's probably Misha some do in Moscow sitting back countenance roubles, pretending to be a woman on tender. Meanwhile, is making dating for actual eastern european women so much harder for right, because the real women are like I'll? What does everybody think I wanna ask him for money like? Why does everyone think up a scammer or, but I will say it-

When I was living in Ukraine again literally twenty years ago, there were only cyber cafes so or at least four. what I needed to do. There is no internet in the family that I was living with their if their house, so I would go there and spend a lot of time there, especially any downtime, overshoes hanging out there and there were numerous times were there'd, be like one guy seated at a computer, and I looking over his shoulder, and he be I think an English like I'm looking for my soul may right now and I would use to think that these guys were actually dating may be talking to women or have you not even having a same sex relationship with some of the guys in the photos and then started bringing in the girls, and they would be telling girls in russian zones in Odessa. Here's what's goin on, the guy lives. Does this their familiarizing them with the story so that when they have to talk to this guy, eventually to prove that their real their filled in, but meanwhile this guy was doing everything and again I gave them the benefit of the doubt. Thinking oh he's translating, and then I realized. No he's.

Making up everything and he's telling them what to remember and then he's asked in for money, because I saw this over a period of months, so I'm a hundred percent sure. I knew what I was we cannot work. Yes, your friend were seated ascribe presently it was fascinating. It was like a documentary happening right in front of me, because this guy would bring in multiple, when this work on particular he'd sit right next to me, he had no shame about it at all, is his job here was a job and he just say hey, I need a new phone or hey. I need a computer offered. It was like my grandmother's in ill health. I need one thousand five hundred dollars for medical treatment and guys would be transferring money off in via Paypal and probably some bank wire stuff and then pay that close of attention to that part, but he beginning money from them in that way, and in it was just like shameless fraud. It was really sad to see this. Cyber cafes, her, oh, my gosh, yeah because internet is so private right. Everything think about everything you do on the internet, some of its fine, but some of it,

weird is hell. You don't do asked yes and where did off so I don't know what have you seen at cyber cafes? I don't know I'm trying to remember, but like every time I've been in a cybercafe, something weird has happened. Like I remember the first time I backpack with Latin America, I would pop into cyber cafes cuz. I a blackberry utter, and now you can't get one cause. They don't exist corral long. It's been nice room are being in a cafe unlike Guatemala, and there is a guide as this watching, like being the most her if Card Gore Pornography, never ending up in five, like significant latte, with one eye, on the other hand, under the community, who knows what the other disease one hand legs thrown back some here, matter and the other just like frantically clicking the mouse, Just like no shame, just like the others like a little partition like a little. You know little splash guard between the computer. Literally, it is case it is united, you didn't ask for photographs, but he just didn't care

We insist- and meanwhile I, my dear Mamma S, awesome amazing, ruins my God man I yeah at yeah the now I've heard that the real purpose go to the library, computers them for that and its consent, free speech issue. They say they have to let them do that its unreal. He yes can say, like you can't sensor things. Are publicly funded and yadda. It's so basically dot dot, dot, crazy people look at porn at the library and the computer anyway, TIM's wake up. Eventually, you know he will. The hard part will be why watching somebody that you care about even a little bit, make a horrendous mistake, but that's how it works, TIM's live in his life you're alive in yours, you gotta. Let him walk his own plank on this one, and you sound like a solid homey, though I mean he's like you too. Have you look out for him by, at the end of the day, your boy really needs to learn how to look out for himself and after this blows up

pretty sure that he will gave theirs. But more here that we didn't really address it. We don't really have time for, but it's like there's an element of escapism for this guy I mean he knows, he's being played so frickin obvious. You know he's in denial when he's I want to figure this out for myself. You don't say that when you know our relationship is real, you ok, don't worry about me. It's all good, you don't say all figure. this out the hard way, rightly He knows good point at it's gonna beat, but he just has nothing else going on his life right now. He rationalize is at some level, even if its fake it still companionship and still entertainment and still something to look forward to, even if it's completely bullshit. That's what I think and that sad that extra sat on top of it. But you know who won't pretend to be a twentysomething model and siphon off all your money. The sponsors who help support this show This is the Jordan Harbinger Show, and this is Feedback Friday, we'll be right back this episode,

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It had to be easier for suicidal ideation, which was triggered by my insecurity, is about my partners, romantic past and diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I can objectively look at the situation and know that I'm being a rational, but that doesn't stop my physiological response of immense emotional pain. Part of BP is intense fear of abandonment, and my situation is self perpetuating. My partner's been supportive of me through all of this and I'm taking a higher than normal dose of medication, as well as doing dbt, which is the most successful therapy for this disorder. But I know it's difficult for her to deal with. On a day to day basis, so my question is: am I wasting our time by putting? this side meeting a shoulder while across this border loud, you ve been through quite alot recently. This is quite a tale. I'm sorry that you ended up hospitalized that must have been friggin terrifying, especially now in the middle of a pandemic. But it sounds like that. Lead you to a helpful diagnosis to marry

patient dialectical behaviour therapy actually had a google that, of course, which is apparently in x, modality for Bp Deep and its ultimately a great thing. You sound like a very thoughtful person, you're going through something pretty intense and you're still able to care but your partners experience in all this, and I know those qualities are going to serve. You really well in your treatment. But given all that, I was actually surprised by your question. I thought you were going ask you am I doing everything I can to get better or how do I get over this? of abandonment or something like that. But what you're actually asking is, if you're wasting your partners time, which is while that is definitely that speaks to your thoughtfulness, but I think it's a very telling question, because, where my mind goes, is you worrying but whether you're wasting your partners time while you work through your be pity, is that itself a reflection of the fear of abandonment. because a huge part of your experience is worrying that people are going to leave. You read that

makes them want to leave, which then confirms for you that people are going to leave you. So it's a self fulfilling prophecy, very kind, men with BP. From what I understand. So here you are wrestling with these thoughts and feelings noticing how an inn that relationship brings up a lot of these vulnerable aspects of your personality and instead of thinking. Why I'm really lucky to be with a woman who's going to support me. While I work on this stuff, you're thinking, man just wasting your time. Am I too much joint? So maybe let her go and to be clear on that Judging any of these questions, I'm just noticing along with you, but they actually make sense. through the borderline lens through the BP lines. But what's interesting to me about your question? Is that it might just be another reflection of the very disorder that you're working so hard to resolve, gave that makes sense. Don kind of like getting spun up here. No, no,

think you're onto something huge, there's an aspect of his question that is so considerate he's being a good partner, really by wondering if this is more than his partner can reasonably take on. But there is another aspect to this question that just might be a coded version of you know. Is this person to leave me in? Should I leave her before she leaves me and if that's the case, I would look about question very closely. Definitely taken into therapy and unfair with your therapist because, ultimately really that's a question for your partner. That's not a question for us she's, the only one who can answer it, but if you do ask her, I would really sit with that question and be very conscious about how you frame it, because if you say that, Listen, I'm feeling, like all this stuff, I'm going through, is a lot for you. Maybe it's more than you signed up for I'm afraid of you leaving, but also I hate making you feel, like I'm afraid of you, leaving so maybe just let you go right now, if you frame it like that, and I you might be acting out bad. You know abandonment scrapped, but if you say something like

I've been wondering lately what my treatment has been like for you. I want to know supporting me while I do this work is a lie or if it's manageable or what is it like for you? If there's something I can do to make it easier, I would love to know or if you just want to talk about it, I'm here to listen. You know, that's a very different question. The first question will probably contribute self fulfilling prophecy that Jordan talked about a moment ago, but the second one we just open up space for you guys to talk openly about what this is like for each of you without also imposing this other narrative that you have on the conversation of your going to leave me and that might be heard for you to do right now, it may take a little bit of time for you to build up to that and that's totally fine. You might want to press for the conversation in. therapy and then bring whatever comes up in the conversation with your partner back in therapy? So you can look at it with your therapist but you learning how to ask this question the right way, I have a feeling that will be a really powerful part of working through these symptoms. You know teaching yourself how to

they to your partner, how to ask questions in a way that doesn't perpetuate this fear that she's gonna leave you yeah. That's a great point gave it's almost like his impulse to ask this question first place. That's the ends her she's looking for. He wants to know he's too much but meaningful thing. Is that he's already convinced that he's too much exact, so I dig into them question a bit more on your end and whenever you can yourself, assuming that someone's gonna leave. Just maybe ask yourself is that the bp, he talking or is that me talking the more you can separate those two out the more I think, you'll start to observe the disorder instead of being run by it completely, and I know that's a little simplistic, but I think you know I'm. Getting at, I mean just writing into us. You ve already shown that you are bigger than this programming the poor grand that you're running in your head, that's causing this in the first place, and I love your commitment to getting better. I know it's hard. I know it's bringing up some painful stuff, but this is the way through man keep up the good work

by the way, if you're joining us for the first time- or you want to tell your friends about the show, the episode starter packs our good way to do that. These are collections of your favorite episodes organised by Miller Topic. Help new listeners get a taste of everything we do here on. The show just visit, George Harbinger dotcom, slash start to get started our next up. hello. Jordan again, I've got a weed addiction, but I've been trying to shake for you, I'm twenty one now and I started smoking when I was fifteen, I used it to cope with parental issues in my teens and on weekends with friends, but now with the parental issues gone, my friends no longer smoking, I'm pretty much left alone with my dick

I now spend around forty dollars a week on weed and I can't help myself from smoking. Every single day, this addiction is hurting my career, my love life and my school life. My family hate, Sweden. I would definitely get fired and kicked out of college. If I got caught, I've tried everything I can think of to stop myself, but I've decided that I need help. I cannot do this alone, so what options do I have for getting clean without letting anyone find out about? My addiction Signed no sticks, no stems no needs. Well. Thank you for writing. In my friend I do really appreciate your candor here I gotta say you already done one of the hardest parts of getting healthy, which is admitting that you have an addiction and you need help, and I really commend you for that, especially when it comes to weed sometimes with cannabis. it's hard to see when you really have a problem because it so accepted now and with Weider, two hundred

baby you're smoking, a J or you're doing a little edible or whatever. It is you're, not railing lines at night clubs on a toilet paper, dispenser uninstall every weekend, writer shooting up in a friggin Dennys bathroom during lunch or whatever we depend The is real, even if it's less obviously destructive, Some people never realised that they were abusing, and I'm proud of you for noticing this pattern in your life and wanting to change it and gave to this reminds me of. Is it half the movie where life Bob Zagat stands up and goes what you're digital we you ve, never sick did for weed come on man, you any goes onto a gear. The cocoa and Erika. It's kind of. Like me, made a joke out of it, of course, because many folks really wouldn't consider this to be a real thing that you I'll pop culture says you can't even be addicted to write. But of course we know. That's not true to the real quick just like with any addiction. There are a ton of resources out there for you. There are not

Colleagues, anonymous meetings all over the world. There's marijuana anonymous, specifically, there's talk therapy, there are support groups, there's addiction, recovery forums and sub credits. List goes on and on not gonna get into all that here, but we're gonna linked to bunch of those resources for you in the show notes, and I highly encourage you to check them out. Go to the show notes right here on your phone or on the website of Jordan, harbinger dot com. You'll find a bunch of the links that we collected for you and since I know concern about keeping this a secret, keep in mind that recovery groups are anonymous. I mean it's really right there in the name they take. Privacy very seriously, also attended these. Meetings have moved online during the pandemic. So, if you are concerned about even showing your face, you could actually log into a remote anais or I may meeting you probably don't even have to have the camera any private you boy would have to leave your home or your bed. Certainly, no camp just ease in by listening to other people's stories for a few meetings. Honestly, it's never been easier to get the help that you need and by the way,

there's a go. I went to a in any and a few others just to check them out, as I wanted to feel more familiar and more comfortable recommending them, and I had friends that were were in their unlike Agis. Come with me, they're, not awkward at all, sometimes they're, actually quite fun and their almost always interesting. It's not constant stage cringe like you see in some movies or shows where everything seems really high pressure in Europe will everyone's staring just give it a shot especial now that you can do it on soon and you don't even have to go park at some church thirty miles away. But I do want to talk about the privacy thing for a moment, because I think it's really interesting. I hear you that your family hates we'd you get fired and kicked out College, if you got caught great reasons by the way for getting sober, that's an amazing motivator consequences like that. So I understand and that you wouldn't want to go to your mama, your boss and be like I've been smoking cushions. I got my learners permit, help how going to go over well, but I do think that it's important to open up to people outside your immediate circle, people who are safe, maybe

You have one or even two friends, you really trust who would agree to keep your sobriety private or a therapist or the people you meet at the meeting people who are also in recovery? Maybe even a sponsor these relationships, their essential to getting sober and staying there. All the research confirms that strong into relationships with one or even to people that one of the key variables in staying sober. Anyone involved in a recovery community knows you don't go around blabbing about other people, you meet and recovery and every recovery is going through the same journey, so I get your desire to keep this a secret. But I encourage you to find your people open up to them. Let them open up to you. I think you'll find it incredible. Source of support in those relate ships, and while we are on the subject that really goes for anyone trying to achieve big goal or create any kind of lasting change in their life, whether its quitting a substance or getting in shape

or letting a job or starting company or finding a partner or whatever. It is out of me to get myself box here, but the How do I get the more it becomes clear to me? We cannot do the big stuff alone. We just I know I know we all want to do the hard work and struggle and transform and total anonymity. So we can look perfect to the outside world. I get it. I've been there, but that is just not how real change works. We need one another. That is how we are wired. The real me the full changes they ever happen in a vacuum. They always happen through our relationships, which is why I keep bang on about them here on the show every single week so take that into your weekend and into your twenty twenty two I promised it'll. Take you way further than you ever thought. You could go on your own.

Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week and everyone who listen. Thank you so much go back and check out radar LEO and Sean ACORN if you haven't yet, if you want to know how I managed to book all the great people you here on the show, I manage all of my relationships, my friendships included using software systems and tiny habits. do you have to dig the well before you get thirsty inner six minute networking course that courses free it's over on the Thinketh platform at Jordan, harbinger dot com, slash course. The drills take just a few minutes per day. It tell me a lot over the past couple of decades. It really has been crucial for me, find it all for free, Jordan, Harbinger, dotcom, slash course, A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at Jordan, harbinger dot com transcripts. Also in the show notes, I'm at George, harbinger on both twitter and Instagram. Orders. Hit me on linked in you can find gave on Twitter at gave Mister ah he or on Instagram at Gabriel, Ms Raw, they show is created.

Association with Podcast one. My team is Jen, Harbinger, Jason, Sanderson Robber, frogeity in bared, Milly, Ocampo, Josh, Ballard and, of course, Gabriel misery. Today, as are in turn, call Humes last day. Call thank you for all your work on the show these past few months, you're research and behind the scenes coordination were fantastic and were wishing you all the best in your future. Endeavours are advising in Hence our our own. I'm a lawyer, but I am not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you here on the show and remember we eyes by lifting others, share them, what those you love and if you found this episode useful, please do share it with somebody else who can use the advice that we gave here today in the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show. So you can live what you listen and we'll see you next time, if you're looking for another episode of the Jordan Harbinger, show to sink your teeth into here's, a trailer with poker star any Duke on how we can learn to make better decisions by thinking. In bets, instead of trying so hard to be certain, all the time

the quality of life, is determined by the sum of two things: the quality of our decisions and laugh when something bad happened to us. We is a skill one involved at all. We just sort upon it off to to the luck elements, but when good things happen, we sort of ignore the luck element and we say that it was because of our great scale as self driving uber just hit until the pedestrian, but when I thought was really interesting was bad words to suspend testing, and just the car off the road, not just the Louvre cards, but other shelves driving me evolves and what I didn't see were any comparison to house self driving here did per thousand miles travel versus the technology that we already have on the road, which is cars that are driven by human. We know that six now

that's very nice per year by regular driven cart. Let's say that you're on the side of the road and you ve got a flat tire and of course, what everybody thinking at that moment is. I have the worthwhile Beverly. Why did they think valleys happened to me, I'm so unlucky of so miserable which really interesting to me about it, like you could have gone a promotion like the biggest promotion of your life three days before and you're not standing on the side of the road going. My life's great cause, I know that the biggest promotion I could ever imagined so imagine that you had this flat tire, Uruguay, and now I'm asking you to day a year later. How much do you think that that lack higher would have affected your overall happiness over the year? for more with any Duke concluding some common mistakes we make when evaluating decisions, check out episode. Forty here on the Jordan Harbinger show. Are you ready for

podcast that doesn't old, back check out the atom. Corolla show the number one daily downloaded podcast in the world five days a week and completely unknown, a joint Adam is. He shares his thoughts on current events, relationships, politics and so much more Adam work. a wide range of special guests to join him in study for in depth, interviews and a front row seat to his freewheeling point of view, Download Subscribe, entered into Adam Corolla Show on Apple podcast, Spotify, Amazon or wherever you get your pipe