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627: Would I Be Insane to Report from Ukraine? | Feedback Friday

2022-02-18 | 🔗

You're an American citizen living and working in Kyiv, Ukraine. The embassy just released a statement recommending you evacuate as the situation with Russia escalates, but you've considered staying there and becoming an independent journalist to cover what happens should armed conflict come to pass. Is this a foolhardy death wish disguised as a passion project, or a perfect time for a prudent career pivot? We'll try to find an answer to this and more here on Feedback Friday!

And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at friday@jordanharbinger.com. Now let's dive in!

Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/627

On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss:
  • You're an American currently living and working in Ukraine, considering a pivot to war reporting should the situation with Russia escalate. Is this flirtation with danger a death wish in disguise, or a perfect time for a prudent career pivot? [Thanks to seasoned war reporter Danny Gold for helping us tackle this one!]
  • You're a 37-year-old married man who's come to realize you don't really have any male friends your own age. What can you do to change this?
  • How do you establish healthy boundaries with the sister who mistakes your support system role as an invitation for constant abuse?
  • You and your spouse went into marriage with a noncommital attitude about having kids. Eight years on, you've decided you'd like to try having some, but your spouse does not. Is there a win/win way to work through this?
  • You took a 50% pay cut to join a startup making a product you strongly believe in. But the pandemic happened, and now your pay cut is 100% as your company struggles to regain momentum. What are your options for seeking job opportunities in your network without simultaneously signaling there's something wrong with your current company's product?
  • Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at friday@jordanharbinger.com!
  • Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger.
  • Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi.

Sign up for Six-Minute Networking -- our free networking and relationship development mini course -- at 

This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
Welcome to feedback Friday, I'm your host Jordan Harbinger, as always, I'm here with feedback, Friday producer and ninety dude living in a ten toad world, Gabriel misery. I he see, broke your toe. I soon I broke my view and goat yoga or something else they read busily. That's the only Berger, two sentences to enjoy your life, you could have been sprinting the feedback Friday inbox to check the involved. That's actually closer to the truth, was crossing my apartment a couple days ago and I just got it on the edge of a table. You're fat one bachelor fast. My vast studio about me. Yes, just cut it on the table is a very, very glamorous super. Embarrassing about this whole thing is actually did do go Yogurt Africa of gorgeous Of course you data, but it is part of a part of a bachelor bachelor, bachelor joint bachelor
so our as wonder I mean it sounds wild yeah, hey Bachelor Party. What are we gonna be doing? You know goat yoga, now, cliche He again took I do. Is it really like the goats stand on Europe? when you're doing poses an stuff. Is that really what you say? And I mean that's one of the things they do? They also just gonna, like lean on you and they ve watched the out cured figure. It's it's. A fun thing to do is find that there's no therapeutic benefit, though from the adding No, although they do at a lot of weight. So if you try to do push ups, like amazing exercise, okay yeah, it's all I know you're not getting more enlightened because there's a goatee at the nape of your neck. Licking you as you drip, sweat and downward dog arose, on the Jordan Harbinger showed me because the stories secrets and skills of the world's most fascinating people enter in their wisdom into
article advised that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. We want to help you see the matrix when it comes to how these amazing people think and behave in our mission is to help you a better informed, more critical thinker, seeing get a much deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what really happening, even inside your own, mind, have renewed the show on Fridays. We give advice to you. We enter list are questions the rest of the week. We have long form interviews in conversations with a variety of incredible people from spies to see, owes athletes, authors, thinkers and performers, and this week we had my friend Dan Pink on the pie, our of regret, he's a great writer. A great thinker, really interesting. Frustration on what people regret in how to use regret to sort of preemptively strike against those types of behaviors that might
up and regret. We also had the one and only Adam Grant. I love this guy's, but on the shore bunch at times he is just a friggin genius and multiple areas. We talk about networking and relationship development. Obviously that's a big thing for me here on the show Adam Grant with his book, given tat kind of set the table for a lot of this, and this episode is packed with practical from some of the best in the business when it comes to outreach, networking and relationship development. I also right every so often on the blog my latest posed is positive. To take with you out of the pandemic is: is this one's all about the unexpected upsides of this crazy chapter like any period of adversity? The pandemic served up a whole lot of stress and uncertainty and very real heartache, but also forced us to confront a ton of new insights habits ideas. My since that could change the rest of our lives for the better. So that's what I talk about in this article, the benefits you can focus on as you eat out of the pandemic and how you can harness them to be happier more connected, more zillions, and you can find that article and all of our articles at Jordan, harbinger dot com, slash articles,
so make sure you had a look and listen to everything we created for you here. This week gave what's the first thing out of the male band aid: Jordan. Again, I'm an american citizen living and working in Kiev, Ukraine. The embassy just released statement recommending that we evacuated given the escalating situation with Russia, but I am unsure that that's the right decision for me. In fact, I'm considering staying here and becoming an independent journalist to cover what happens should it actually come to a major armed conflict. My reason is prey the I served here and the peace corps before taking my current job and I believe in democracy. The idea of leaving everyone I know, you're behind, is racking me with guilt, and I want to do something to support them. Frankly, if the? U S deployed militarily, I'd have my hand up to be the first one back here. Of course, this
might be a fool's error. It I have no military training. I dont know first aid I dont even really have practice as a photographer, Slash videographer and the closest I've been to being a good journalist is a podcast on China that I produced with a close friend of mine from college garage. there's something funny about like if the military wants to go on the first one in line by the way, I don't even know how to apply first aid, but I am a pod cancer, but I'm with you broke these skills are limited in use, though they but in a war zone anyway, you do so it's basically me. my intermediate russian and a nice go pro. At the same time, I've also felt in you're about not having a career as a thirty one year old guy for a while. My options, state cider, not great, but I would find something eventually. The thing is, I vote,
in this person who cares about the wider world, loves languages and isn't afraid of being endanger especial if it's for a purpose. Maybe this crap in Ukraine is none of my business, or maybe it's literally, why, God put me here, there's probably something saner that I could do from safety or something more effective than I can do, even if it's dangerous, but I don't have much time to figure it out. So should I stay and give us a shot, and Ukraine and the membrane had nice. Well. This is a fascinating question at a fascinating moment in history, as some of you know. I lived in Odessa, Ukraine for a time about twenty years, Oh now, in that place was amazing, its known as a city of spies it as a ton of his three. There is a lot of really cool beach side clubs. There there's a lot of great bars and restaurants. There. The food is awesome. The people are in kind of a unique culture, even then Ukraine,
Really really. Amazing place- and I have a lot of love for ukraine- has had a blast there. I we should spend more time there. I always plan to go back their aid to hang out with old deeds in parks and talk about their war time periods because they would be selling their metals to make money and I'd be buying somebody order of Stalin Metal from an old get Well, I want to hear how you got this. That's what I want to hear and old guy walk round their metals pinned to their chests because it was kind of like the these old room. who are two guys wanted the honour, and I find it incredible place you and is near and dear to my heart and this whole situation with Russia is unpopular, paying close attention to it, and I completely understand your impulse to get involved literally been there and very similar situation is yourself. We wanted to talk to an expert about your question so reached out to my friend, Danny gold. He's a foreign correspond, in a director of producer and long form, writer and, most importantly, former guest of the Jordan Harbinger, show Danny's covered multiple conflict from Syria to Gaza, to Iraq,
to El Salvador and he knows better than anyone what this career actually entails, and the first thing Danny said was you have a few advice, I just here you're already in Ukraine, you seem to speak. The language one of the languages anyway russian and you have some common experience with the place you want to cover, which is actually Danny felt comfortable advising you here as opposed to get out some Yahoo who reads about the Ukraine situation on read it in So a Ryanair flight with a friggin flashlight in an Iphone hoping to become a war humanitarian overnight. That said, Danny had some sobering it ice about the realities of working as a journalist, especially in a war zone. The reason you're chasing this conflict to create a new career for yourself. You to do that with eyes. Wide open, as Danny put it to US journalism, is Ashley WAR Journalism. This is not good career if you want stability and money and a three bedroom apartment and Tribeca with you're cool war photos hanging above your restoration hardware, couch. If that
our intention going in Danny said who are choosing the wrong career? He actually warns people about this. Pretty often it's just now the kind of thing you can do if you want to have nice things, if you want to support a family and buy a house now that might be more global. Since you live in Ukraine, you might get paid by American but he's in U S dollars, and things might be the inexpensive over their relatively speaking, but that anxiety. You have about being thirty one without having a solid career, indeed his view becoming a journalist, especially a war correspondent. That's not going to this feeling go away at all and ass. He put it to us people ever romanticized view of what this work is like. It is noble work for sure it is important work. I would have loved to have done some of this work myself, but you go in thinking, you're going to change the world or look for glory
action I mean. Maybe you'll get a little glory, but in Danny's words changing the world is a very small part of what the job actually entails. So Danny's advice- if we are serious about pursuing this- is that you think about it. As a business, most of the big outlets, CNN Bbc ff Whatever it is, they have their own people on the ground. You'll probably have to find some or publications that would want a four hundred hundred word story a three minute: video, a shorter peace to start reaching out, yes, send cold Emails to editors use the six minute networking stuff get introductions. If he can, Tell them your history. Why you should be the one to tell this story: the can actions. You have the language skills the fact that you're already there, which means they won't, have to pay for travel expenses. Danny said you have to parity just not make a lot of money, you might even lose money at least at first Dennis their thought is: can you in bed with a better, alien or a military unit.
Do you know anyone who can be your fixer? This is like a local Who knows the right people who can help you maneuver they can translations, they can get you in and out of checkpoints stuff like that away. Times. These guys are gangsters or, military officers that might want to add their paycheck a little bit. Those people are absolutely key, also enjoy and he's view you don't want. get a conflict situation alone. He's worked with other journalists. The lot in his career and if you can team up with somebody who's, got more experience whose willing to take you along show you the ropes and keep you out of trouble. That's always the best. Also Danny did mention that. Go pro footage, it's just not gonna sell unless it in ain t sell video. You generally need high quality, video, good editing, which is a whole other skill that you may or may not have. In his view, your best bet is to write up stories. It's just so much simpler from a business perspective,
exactly right and Danny, also zeroed, and on one other thing you mentioned, which was your personal passion for this conflict and actually was very interesting. That did trouble him a little bit because, ideally, in Danny's view as a journalist, you really want to temper your personal biases about the story. Your covering Danny made a super clear to us, not saying that you know you have to be like a total robot in order to cover a war zone or that you can't be sympathetic to the people your covering or the sources you work with, but when you meet and wanting to volunteer. If the, U S deployed militarily, that in Danny's book is probably crossing a journalistic line. Now look this is complicated. Your passion is obviously drawing you to this opportunity and there are tons and tons of journalists out there who are clearly sympathetic to the people, their reporting on right. You see that all the time, but even if you have those sympathies, your editors have to trust what you say. You have to trust that you'll be accurate, so Danny's advice is to not mention your personal Belgians when you reach out to these publications,
you have to know that you're not going to censor yourself or cherry pick, details or straight up makes it up if you're covering a story which obviously has happened in the past as Danny put it to us. He sees the mark of a good journalist as somebody who might have sympathies or might have a narrative and still reports against those sympathies or that narrative. If that's, where the story wants to go, but in terms of sinking your teeth into the right stories, Danny's main advice is to find. characters when he started out, he told us he thought people just wanted like an overarching picture of a situation, kind of a broad view, but then he realized what they really want is a character that he could tell a story through. Another mistake: Danny sees people make by the way. Is that they think they have to be right in the thick of the conflict, but he pointed out that you can also plenty, a great stories, a mile back five miles back ten miles back from the front line, for example, what's going on with ukrainian civilians right now,
you know how is the average store owner or police officer or student being affected by what's happening with Russia? Sometimes those stories are actually more fascinating than the actual combat it. Of that by the way might also be a smart move in a situation like this, where there really are in clear terms, there is no clear front line, at least not yet this Ukraine, Russia thing, is obviously a fast moving situation. You are first timer, so if you're gonna go into this again eyes wide open in you definitely to be smart and you want to stay safe. Yet it's a really good point and Speaking of staying safe, Danny also strongly recommended getting safety equipment. Before you head into a war zone, it might seem obvious, but a vest, helmet first aid equipment. All of that and have a plan in case something happens.
Danny actually had a friend to get kidnapped in Ukraine. While he was working on a story and this stuff happens all the time. Do you have insurance? What, if you get sick? What, if you get hit with shrapnel, what, if you get stuck somewhere and your phone dies, you gotta plan ahead for this stuff and assume the worst and also have some plans and tools and contacts in place. So Danny's advice and second all of it, what you're trying to do its noble? It's important, it's exciting, but you have to do it with clear expectations and a solid plan. It'll be a steep learning curve. It get dangerous. You'll probably be flailing for a while, but you could also be an important voice on the ground in a monumental conflict with huge implications for the world and that very cool just make sure you're being thoughtful and safe. While you chase this dream so
blog there and by the way, if you want to learn more about Danny Gold, a fascinating guy, I highly recommend checking out the interview we did together. That was episode, six one nine. He also hosts podcast about organised crime called the under world podcast and you can find him on Twitter at De G is serious willing to all those in the show not for use well, also that this just occurred to me listen to our Daniel Levin episode that aired a few weeks ago. Den if you haven't heard it helps kidnapped. people in the Middle EAST and find missing people, and things like that in a lot of those people are journalists in one of the things that he said in the episode was, shame on all these new networks, because, instead of sending their own people out there, they will send these free glanced, journalists and a ridiculously dangerous situation. Still I go cover ISIS because they are not responsible for the they're not ensured they don't have to worry bout. It and they'll send these like fresh out of college kids, to cover extremely dangerous situations that they know they can't even
their own crazy, F war correspondence into because its to Harry don't become upon in that game, because you might contact network in, they might say great go, get a story and dumb bass be on the front lines. Get some great footage, maybe bring a drone, and then you end up getting sniped by a russian separatist or by any enforces wondering who the hell this guy is run around their area of operations, one of the reasons why you need a fixer. But this is an extremely dangerous line of work. So definitely listen. that Daniel Levin episode Episode six one seven and then Danny gold. Six one night got some homework for you. You know who won't try to invade your country under the pretext of limiting NATO expansion, the products and services that support the show we'll be right, back listening to feed back Friday here on the Jordan Harbinger show we'll be right back this episode of sponsored by better help online therapy, but our help and I want to tackle some stigmas around mental health. I've gone through therapy. What am I friends regularly see therapists as well. I know I know we ve been taught
Take care of our mental health should be a part of everyday life, but look we work out. We stay physically federalist. We try for sing on investing in the health of our minds, it's as or even more important, and don't make the mistake of waiting tell your life is just in the toilet before drawing therapy. I did that to date recommended therapies, a tool to utilise before things get bad and it can help you avoid those loans and those low suck better help is cut two miles to online therapy that offers videophone even live chat sessions with your therapist, no driving, no parking. You ought to see anyone on If you don't want to it's more affordable than in person therapy and the hook up with a therapist under forty eight hours. Why invest everything else and not your mind. Our listeners get ten percent off your first month at better help: dot com, sash, Jordan, that's b e t, T r, H e lp that call fast Jordan. This year, one of my goals is maybe I'll try to revive my Russian and with Babel
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babble language for life? Thanks for listening and supporting show your support of our advertisers keeps us going who doesn't love some good products and or services you can all. Visit Jordan, harbinger dot com, slife deals for all the details on everybody that helps support the shell and now back to feedback Friday. On the Jordan Harbinger, show all right. What's next, Hey Jordan gave a method seven year old man, and I feel that my social life is completely compartmentalized. While I have a small number of acquaintances associated with the Hobbes, I participate in mostly pretty solitary activities like competition, shooting and gaming. I dont feel as if I have any true friends like I did in college or in the marine corps. I see some of these acquaintances monthly, but not once as the subject of inviting anyone, overt anyone's house or meeting outside
the activity come up. I feel that it would be weird to be the first one to bring it up, and I have no idea how much I actually have in common with these guys, aside from the shared activity, not to mention it would definitely be weird for it to be. Like a one on one mandate situation, I attempted to join both veterans of foreign wars and American Legion, but nobody at the local chapters was within a couple decades of my age, my parish same story, my only really purely social are those are my wife, this sort of tricks me into not feeling like the hermit. I am because she's particularly adept at making girlfriends wherever she goes and we spend most of our free time together. I'm just now coming to the realisation that I would be completely alone if it weren't for her, and I don't feel like its healthy you to be so dependent on one person now that my wife and I
respecting our first child. I'm realising that I can't think of any one year by you could be my childs godfather, and that makes me concerned. I feel, like I'm missing a very fundamental part of what it means to be a member of society. Without close, my friends- and I just don't know where to begin my completely off base in thinking that casual associates from unease activity are not a good basis for real friendship, and am I wrong that men don't simply contact each other. Just hang out signed. Looking for my eyebrows, as my loneliness grows, yeah man. This is a real thing: you're describing there have been a ton of studies on the crisis of male friendship, lack of connection among men. It's almost an epidemic words ever used, but whatever, and I'm sure it's only gotten. Worse during the car, and pandemic and you're right do tend to bond over an activity more than they do over. Just like being a and being who wants to hang out and talk, but that also speaks to our Ability is guys to connect with another person as a person right.
Then mediate that connection through an intense job or a trip or a call of duty on Xbox or whatever it is, which is a shame but its absolute something we can work on the thing is it so to me. Like you a lot of assumptions about what male friendships should look like, you're, not sure if you have in common with these guys outside of your Hobbes, you dont know if it would be weird turn up the idea of a one on one sort of mandate. You also said this thing about your wife. I don't feel like it's healthy to be so dependent on a single person. It's a fair point, and I think it's great that you, where of that, but I also wonder if there's some anxiety there, maybe fear of relying on someone else needing them to feel connected, so it makes sense that it's been hard to make close. friends, you have a lot of ideas about how men ought to relate to one another and though ideas are probably making it hard for you to open up and by the way I am not judging you for any of this tons of guys have these beliefs like last Dave
branches. You gonna think I'm gay would have asked me to go. I can, he doesn't want you and then it gets weird or whatever aids. All in your head. Man total that model of how male friendship should look, maybe It comes from the way that you were raised. Maybe it was real forced by the Marines, I can imagine that's the case, or maybe just inherited it from our culture in general, and the sad thing is that model doesn't make it easy created just be like you know what I'm feeling of alone or lonelier whatever. I could use some bro time. I'd love to talk today. If he's great, Dave you wanna go see jackass forever and, yes, I chose jacket, because I feel, like that's the safest mandate movie. I can think of right now. There's no subtext they're, just good old fashioned, immature american men, children getting punished in the nuts much better than love actually have might be. Ok, look I'm still subject to They're, nice culture a little bit that could be something didn't stop you from inviting me to personal data, about what hey look gave now that we're talking about it. The fact that we skies even call our hang out mandates that
says everything right there, women don't call her! Hang out women dates, but they do so Maybe they call it. Ladies night, fine, but there is an all this sort of like so consciousness, engender crisis built into it again. It says a lot about how we deal with friends. But buddy of mine. He goes on trips with his friends negotiates emancipation which has come one way of saying they do manly stuff, but also, if you say, vacation it's like oh eve. I assume you brought your wife and your kids now where we went wrong kind of with my college friends, and it's like you gotta make it you gotta put a term on their, so it's not his lame rate. So it's not as weird it's not funny yeah. So interesting, good point, which is actually again to your points. sad because look to the guy's writing in if you're feeling deserves to reach out and be more connected? I promise you that your other guy friends, they are feeling the same way, but I'm guessing in this friend group nobody's making the first move because they're all self conscious about it. Just like you and the fact that you met them at the shooting range or in a gaming group that doesn't matter
you people, however, you meet them, and then you can just build the friendship from there. So tat your question yeah. I think you are off base in thinking that casual associates from a shared activity are not a good basis for real friendship, and no it's not. that men. Don't contact each other. Just hang out. Of course they do. I mean the ones with strong relationships. Do the ones without strong relationships, probably don't, which is why you have to change your outlook here. A little bit might vices star, put yourself out there. A little more me the effort to build these friendships. You don't have to think of it as a mandate to think of it as a hang out. Maybe you start by making it to get to know them a little more when you guys are doing your activities, gaming, halo, whatever it is chat with them, are you guys game stick around after the shooting competition should the shed catch up whatever it is, and if you feel a bond with one of these guys, it's totally I decided you running out. Gimme your number text and propose a plan could be anything you could watch a movie. You could the game at your house. You good grab a couple of beers at a bar, whatever it is.
you guys, hang out. You might even want to talk about this exact question. You're asking us, you could say something to you ever. You hang out with you know like day. If you could be like Dave it Actually I don't really have a lot of close guy friends. I want to change that, but it feels pretty hard to make friends as a dude special later in life. Are you noticing that too? Is it just me and my crazy, a mile in my husband and me The day will say the same here, I'm like super mad about that. I was really stoked that you asked me to hang out today or maybe help Actually I do have a bunch of friends, it's really awesome, and then you can ask him how he did that. Maybe you can learn from somebody who has the exact kind of relationships you want either way. You're gonna get some were good and while you do it, you'll be binding in the process. That's great advice, gay and don't worry if this is hard at first or it's a little awkward or some of the people you invite don't respond, is totally fine. It'll probably a very new for you to put yourself out there. But again, of course, it's a good thing. You re writing a pattern that takes time and work, but it will pay off
also think you'll find that the more you make an effort to engage with people. The more they'll make an effort with you. It really is a virtuous cycle. So good luck, my man, I love that you want to work on this. I think it's gonna make a huge difference in your life congrats on your first child. It so exciting it so fine start making some friends It's gonna be healthier and were written for you. You can reach us Friday at Jordan, Harbinger calm, keep your emails, concise, use a descriptive subject line. It keeps things easy for us. If there's some, we are going through any big decision. your wrestling with or you want a new perspective on life. Love work: what to do daughters, moving to the Middle EAST, Shack up with a guy she's, never met in person. Whatever's, You stand up at night lately, hit us up Friday at Jordan,
of injured? I've come we're here to help we keep every email anonymous, our next up, high Jordan game. I recently got engaged to an incredible man who has helped introduce me to setting healthy boundaries boundaries like not stressing if I can always pick up the phone for somebody and not feeling guilty whenever I have to tell my family no, but my little sister has always been my weakness, and lately I've been on my limit with her. She loves to come to my apartment cook, bathed, get pretty and then go back to her boyfriend's house where she lives. She says that she is uncomfortable doing it over there and and since you used to have a room here, she feels more at home. She use this room as a place to haphazard, lay throw Oliver stuff and pushed off cleaning it out for months.
removing out. I ended up cleaning and packing up all our stuff, only for her to rip open all of the bags and make a mess again because she needed to search for clothes. Eventually, I took it upon myself to pack everything up again and bring it all my mom's house. I also had to kick off my phone bill for non payment. All of this has led her to call me a bad person. Things finally came to a head when she belittled me and mocked me for asking her to clean up after herself when she came over to cook. My sister constantly diminishes my feelings, and it seems that whenever I'm upset about something she shuts down and becomes hateful, I kept trying to give her a chance, but I finally had enough-
I just blocked her number with no contact, but I feel horrible, as both my parents work, entry, level, jobs and, and she has no real role model. Her boyfriend is also a walking red flag in and out of jail with no real job and a ten year old kid they live with his mother and he's already cheated lied and verbally abused. Her part of me hates to leave her alone, especially with him, but another part of me feels taken advantage of because she continues to use me for my apartment and my money and countless other things. Am I just nipping here or do? I have a reason it done signed. Finding my spine, while I draw this line man, what a sibling relationship over I mean this is incredibly a trading and, in my opinion, pretty disrespectful. It sounds to me, like you, ve been for your sister in almost every way financial the emotionally logistically and I'm guessing you play that role for her, since you guys were young. And based on what you shared. She hasn't
Who is honoured that kindness, she's been messy in all senses of the term she's take an advantage of your generosity. She's lashed out. withdrawn. When you try to talk to her so now, you're, not nit picking it fascinating to me that you think you might be NIT picking it's actually kind of funny, given how stark your sisters behaviour has been. That probably speaks to just how high your tolerance for her bullshit is, but no, I don't you're being fuzzy whatever it seems to me. You have some very concrete reasons to feel taken advantage of, and probably pretty her by your sister. That said, I totally understand the conflict. You feel failure, first of all, sibling relationships, always complicated tabling relationships where one sibling is a mess and the other sibling is the super put together caretaker, who constantly saving the other sibling even more complicated. Despite your
anger? I'm sure you love your sister, I'm sure she loves you, although she struggled to show that sometimes and it hurts to stand up to her, but on top of all that when you cut her off your also sending her back to, downstairs fire of a boyfriend and who knows what's happening over there. I'm sure you have a movie real in your mind of all the things she might endure if she doesn't have a safe haven with you. So you taking this stand. That's not just you standing up for yourself that probably feel like your condemning heard of his very dysfunctional life that she's chosen, but still this I'm resetting you're doing right now. It sounds very healthy, inappropriate. Your start get clear on what is an isn't fair, your fiance as helping see this dynamic you're caught up in he's, giving you the convict to draw a line and that's a huge step for you, but the thing about boundaries, especially when you're drawing them. After decades of playing along, is that their voice. we friggin hard to maintain, in fact drawing
boundaries can be as painful for the person drawing them as they are for the person whose, on the receiving end we ve talked about this before drawing boundaries can bring up a lot of guilt. Sadness feeling, like betraying the other person or even abandoning them. When you try to change this situation by drawing a line you're going against the tide of pro ramming and rules that have guided you up till now, but those feelings They don't mean you're wrong and your sisters, feelings about those bound. Those don't mean you're wrong either how she reacts in a referendum on whether you have a right to say says, I love you, but you're not be unfair to me. This doesn't feel considerate. I won't put up with it anymore. I care but you- and I want only good things for you, but you have to find your own way now and in your case, given the facts, I think this move with your sister is a super important moment your relationship, because not only are you taking yourself seriously you're also, in her a chance to step up without you,
air to enable her. Your sister will have to learn to take care of herself. She ll have to figure out If this relationship in his actually healthy and maybe hopefully shall start to appreciate how lucky sheep to have you they're all those years, but you can't do that until you say enough, so I think you have made the right collyer actually think really doing great, this doesn't mean you're, not gonna have ever speak to your sister again, it doesn't mean you don't care about her. She might come back and six months and say it also. I was friggin furious you when you kicked me out a block me, but I see now. I just wasn't very good too, I wasn't taken care of myself and if it's ok, I like to be closed. Again in a different way. There would be a great way back together, or maybe she won't get there and that's ok too. you just have to be clear about what you will and won't do for her. What your relationship is really about and that's where holding the boundary becomes just as important as setting it
The first place. So good luck. I know it's hard now, but it will get easier in Europe we are doing right by both of you in the long run you know get This reminds me of my mom and her brothers. So my mom's brothers were real charmers there million examples of this, but one of them was like always asking for staffed by Knowing money and like can you pay me out of jail literal? You know like all this stuff finally, my mama's, like no, I met with some help from my dad. She was like no I'm not doing this anymore and years later after, like going to prison and then drug rehab, he was like you know that was totally understand. go, and you did a lot for me- well yeah it, but it took they took like years and years and years and years year, because it looks like a well he's being terrible at all. So if somebody is in the throes of addiction, for example, is my mom's brother? Was it's like? Well, I'm just looking to get my next fix. I can't even think about this. You know and then, once you come out of the fog,
it's like, oh, I was crabbed, everyone wasn't them, so this is a complicated. Situation, but is, as the sister grows out of this she's pray gonna be like. Ok. Can I get it? I was a friggin toxic mess. You know who Much off you until you finally blow a gasket and kick him Amadeo life. The sponsors who help support this show we'll be right back This is the Jordan Harbinger Show, and this is Feedback Friday, we'll be right back. This episode is sponsored in part by away one of the four give Jen got me in one has been the most practical and thoughtful is away luggage away is crafted with features that may travel seamless. It's got forth three hundred and sixty degree spinner wheels that guarantee the smoothest role gliding effortlessly through the most tactic of airports and stations, thoughtfully the test they approved combination locked keep all your belonging safe. I can't wait to hear frankly anywhere, but Taiwan, Greece, Portugal, Spain of
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my wife and I have been married for about eight years, when we first got married, we weren't really sure where we stood on kids, we were young and we thought we would just figure it out later. Then we slowly shift it to never wanted kids, partly as a knee jerk reaction to the pressure of everyone telling us to have them we're both turning thirty one this year and I've slowly come around wanting kids, while my wife has moved further in the other direction. we ve talked several times and besides the expected personal reasons, you know like I don't know what that will do to my body or it'll ruin our freedom or kids are expensive stuff, like that she's also voiced not wanting kids, because she feel guilty about quote bringing them into this terrible world. On quote. Sheikh knowledge is that she has a good life job car house and all that, but she still can't get over guilt. My wife's suffers from high levels of clinical anxiety and has had childhood trauma. So I wonder if that plays a role in a reluctance to have children, it hurts a lot to think that
not only will I not be a father, but I won't get to see her as mother and create a life with her. She has said that you would be open to therapy, but I'm afraid that she'll make a decision. She'll regret. Just to keep me happy. Do you have any advice on how my wife and I can work through this without anyone having major regrets, signed the conflicting multipliers wow? This is quite a conundrum. I got to say I really appreciate it both of your perspectives. Here I get wanting to have kids, obviously, all of her way too much about my spun, and you will continue to do so here on this show, and I to understand being concerned about the world you're bringing them into. I think about that all the time. The thing is if your wife succeeds in can in seeking to not have kids, you might result her for denying you this huge think that you want, but if you say eating convincing her to have kids. She might resent you for how to compromise on her belief. So as a tough one, the Good NEWS is your ready onto the answer here, which is you guys, have to have some really deep converse
issues about all of this. I do think your best bet will be therapy, probably couples therapy, so you guys can have a space to talk about your gulls. Your concerns really communicate about this big decision, but good your wife's history. Individual therapy would also be really really helpful. The anxiety, the chair, all trauma the guilt. She feels that lot to carry around and she has some big stuff to work through, because I think you're onto something here that hurt. Asked in her personality, might be playing a role in her conflict around having kids, I'm fact, I'm sure they are. I mean yes, your wife the strong belief that the world is a mess that place that it's wrong to force somebody into it, but if she holds that view so intensely, she also probably feels that the world is a messed up place for her. So if there's a way for your wife to change her position here and and by the way, I'm not saying she has to change that, she should that's completely up to her and like said I can definitely appreciate where she's coming from, but if there's a way for you guys to feel comfortable having kids together then she's got
after really explore all that stuff, why she has such a bleak you are the world. How her anxiety, duty impact her experience of life, how her feelings, herself for informing the kind of mother she think she'd be and, by the same token, your desire to have kids, I'm sure. That's all sorts of should have your worldview, which is very different from your wife's. That's what you guys need to dig into. Yes, that is a really good point, Jordan, because, to a large degree, We see the world is a reflection of ourselves brave if you're, joyful and optimistic and you're well functioning The world tends to be a much friendlier place, but if you're, you now feeling depressed and hopeless in your struggling life as a lot harder to cope with. But then you know you can also hold these philosophical positions like something like its objectives, wrong to have children and to bring them into this mess up. Work and those seem like their totally independent of our feelings and to be fair he probably are to some degree, but they can also grow out of those feelings or at least be in
city with which you believe in an idea like TAT, that's definitely fuelled by your feelings about yourself and your feelings about the world. That's what you and your wife need to get clear on together. How much of this position of hers is just this article, just what she believes and how much of it is informed by the struggles, the feelings, the experiences that she's having and if her challenges are playing a big role in this reluctance to have kids how she's gonna work on that. If she does work on it and she makes progress. You guys might be able to have kids without creating the resent men or the regret that you're afraid of if she doesn't make progress, though and you guys are gonna- have to decide which one is more important. Is it your relationship, or is it you getting to have children and presupposing the answer to that both are completely valid and that something you guys want to figure out together, but it will reach are you guys to get very clear on your values in your priorities, your beliefs and really what future your creating together? All of that, it is interesting, though Jordan. I've had the same thoughts.
it's usually the state of the world. That gives me pause about maybe having children one day, but I also wonder like: could his wife get to a place where she feels this reluctance to have children, but she decides to do it anyway, like yeah, the world is objectively dysfunctional, terrible, Their happening life can be really hard, but also I'm gonna be great mom. I'm gonna do my best to create a childhood, that's loving and supportive, and I'm not gonna pass on the trauma. That's help me back in my life or made me think that I shouldn't be a mom or whatever it is. I think a lot of parents go into parenthood like that, there aware of the costs and the risks and the conflicts, but they also believe in some larger purpose, having children. Definitely I don't know any conscious parent who doesn't have some kind of liked around this decision. Now what you do with those concerns how you solve them or put them to good use, for example, by trying to be a different kind of parent from your parents or working extra hard to give your kids different experience from the one you had or
contributing solutions to the problems you see in the world. That's the question and that these two need to figure out is his wife's conflict, a sign that she shouldn't have kids, or is it just pointing to work that she still needs to do on herself? I would make an the guiding question. I think it'll take you guys to some very meaningful, very important territory, and if you do, then. Whatever the outcome is that's how you of it having regrets, saw because get to do that and were sending you both good thoughts in whatever you decide to do our next up. as three years ago I left a big could have job to join a start up. I took a fifty percent pay cod, which, at the time I was comfortable with we raised a bunch of money created a great product and then the pandemic hit. We spent most of twenty twenty continuing to improve the price,
but didn't get any sales to speak of sales are on their way up now, but not fast enough to keep up with the rate at which we are spending cash. As a result, I am not currently getting a paycheck at all: I've exhausted my savings and I'm now taking on debt to pay the bills. I've been casually looking for another job, but I've been hesitant to reach out to my network because I dont want people to get a negative impression of the viability of the product. I also know that if I left there would be a pretty big gap and skills on the team which could impact everyone, including our investors, I believe in this product and am confident that in time it will take off, but I also need to make a living. I'm struggling with weathered stay with his company, continue to take on debt of loyalty and hope, or we to my network, to let them know that I'm interested and other opportunities. So what do you think I should do signed pouring sweat equity? I'm sorry to hear this. This is tough itself see guys raised all that money in and built a great product and then the pandemic here I do feel for you and for a lot
businesses in the same situation, but the listen, you guys are in now it's also extremely common in the start up world, as I'm sure you know the thing: as you are not looking for another job because you're being loyalty or company and now you're fired a paycheck and taking on debts. You can protect your teammates and investors. That says a lot about you. You sound like a really thoughtful dedicated person, but honestly, this is not wise this irresponsible and I'm not sure it's actually helping your employer as much as you think, because even if you did stick around four, for six months or a year. It's just not guaranteed that this would save the company and if it did They should be paying you for that commitment. So I think it's time to get caught. On your priorities, if you're putting yourself at serious financial risk for an extended period of time, don't just mean it I'll make an minimum payments on your credit card for a couple months. Until your series becomes through, I mean making half of what you use to taking on personal debt, just to protect your employers reputation
then it's time to have a real, serious conversation with your bosses. I would be pretty straight bored with them? I need a raise. This is how much I need you're. The reason I believe I deserve it. Here's what I'd be able to do I stuck around and then just give them a chance to make it right, but if they can't or they won't, then I would seriously reconsider your strategy either you need to change your lifestyle to live within your means. If you can and if you really believe in this company- or you need look for another job. It really is that simple. Now, if you will, founded the company- the calculus would be totally different. Then it might make sense to fund your vision with debt. For some time. It would be a lot harder to jumped ship, but that is not your situation. Your situation, Is your employee and you're not in compensated at all. I know it's a tough pill to swallow, but it's not your job up to manage everyone else's impression of the product or to make sure our team has all the skills that it needs forever and at any cost. That's the founders and senior
decade, jobs and they have investors providing recent is to ensure that happens. Your job is to do right by yourself and buy them, now that doesn't mean you should leave them in the lurch or talk smack about their product to your network. or not give him a heads up that you might be leaving? There is obviously a thoughtful way to do this, but if you need to find a new job, then you have to accept that people might wonder. What's up at your company, Let us just how it is. I live in the Bay area. I hear it all the time. Every company deals with this. I know you're worried about creating problems, but your company has problems anyway and truth be told you probably we have as much of an effect on them as you think, and if your effect is that strong, you should be getting compensated for it, so I wouldn't hesitate to start reaching out to your people, and I would be doing this either just as a matter of habit. That's that good, all six minute networking for you. imagine this scenario you stick around for it for six or nine months, the company goes
are you decide to finally leave and then after hit up your friends like a long time, no talk. I know it's been forever, but I'm leaving my company and I really need a job. The worst to get get the worst one descend all because you are trying to protect your company that just when under slash you finally gave up on think about it How much harder is that job search gonna be how much more tea is. Will those conversations feel you know what I'm about to say dig that well before you get thirsty, because sounds like you got a little cottonmouth coming on right now. I hope I hope you get what you want here, whether its at this company There someplace else they are lucky to have you. It sounds to me, like you, have a lot to offer to any employer. Don't forget that and wishing you this,
hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week and, of course, everyone who listen. Thank you so much go back and check out the episodes with Damn pink and Adam Grant. If you want to know how I managed, above all, these great people and manage my relationships using software systems in tiny habits check out our six minute networking course. It's free! It's over there on the Thinketh platform at Jordan Harbinger dot com, slash course. The drills are designed to take justify minutes per day, like we saw that last letter, it's the type, a habit, ignore. Only at your own peril. You can find it all for free at Jordan Harbinger that come slash course owing to the showed us for this episode. We found it. Jordan, harbinger dot, com transcripts or in the show notes. I'm at Jordan, Harbinger on both Twitter and Instagram, or you can hit me on linked in you can find gave on Twitter at Gabe misery. Ah he or on Stu Gram at Gabriel, Ms Raw, this show is created. association with pod one. My team is Jen, Harbinger, Jason Sanderson Robert Programming, bared, Milly, Ocampo, Josh, Ballard and, of course, Gabriel. Ms right, our advice in opinions are
our own. I am a lawyer, but I am not your lawyer. Do your own research before implementing anything. You here on the show, Ditto, Danny Gold and thank you- Danny for sharing your experience in wisdom with us. Remember we rise. by lifting others, show this What those you love and if you found this episode useful, please share it with somebody else who can use the advice that we gave here today in the meantime, digger best tool, why what you hear on the show? So you can live what you listen and we'll see you next time, if you're alive for another episode of the Jordan Harbinger, show to sink your teeth into here's, a trailer with the infamous fire fasts Billy Macfarlane from inside federal prison. Where he's serving six years for fraud and on the for twenty six million dollars in restitution. His acquit by even not be charged for this call. This power some William, an inmate at a set of prison mine, the call to exact dial nine now
when I asked before our first call, if you are a con man, we had ten seconds silence. Is this new Billy that were hearing or are you the same Billy that trying to pull off the fire festival? When I think about the mistakes are made, I haven't there's no way I can eat describing, but without thinking I was wrong, and I hope now that I can, in some small way once, you knew that the festival wasn't the festival, gonna go as planned, widen, You call it on the table, I don't know, but the decision the council has always did when I was told that break it off died in the event that fully no one actually physically anyway, but up until the last second I believed incorrectly took upon often available. We had something called the emerging daily payments document. If we use is Google Excelsior, essentially with the payment very had a maiden then gave us open proceed.
About much waiting to be that from a couple thousand hours a day. Twenty nine dollars a day were at away governing the morning fined for nine dollars by noon, and then they became ass before how a solitary confinement essentially being locked in a box like that sounds terrible. It really at eighty take away with others, one guy curbing thirty percent. Did he was already block it forever, five years, and I was there- you had a big is huge and you got so close to something great that everyone wanted to be a part of the people still want to be a part of it. I have to wonder if there's gonna be a fire fast version, Eliza me wouldn't call it that. Are you thinking of doing something similar everything that you want a great deal to do with being locked in a cage, her picture here? Are you gotta, come from with Billy Macfarlane, including lessons learned on the inside the value of trust and Billy's plans for the future. Once you serve
the time he agrees. He rightly deserves check out episode for twenty two of the Jordan Harbinger show Are you ready for a podcast that doesn't old, back check out the atom? Corolla show the number one daily downloaded podcast in the world five days a week and completely since our joint Adam is. He shares his thoughts on current events, relationships, politics and so much more Adam welcomes a wide range of special guests to join him in study for in depth, interviews and front row seat to his freewheeling point of you download, subscribe and Tunein. Adam Corolla, show on Apple POD casts Spotify. Amazon or wherever you get your podcasts
Transcript generated on 2022-02-22.